#also perception problems are terrible i fear

[mrhunnynuts]

logged in to post this cameo i got late last year . have fun dadviders i like them a lot .. bye

[gay-otlc]

(no sure if my previous message got sent so i’ll just retype a shorter version here)

Hey, I saw that you hid/deleted my comments and blocked me, so I want to apologise if my arguments came as too harsh or agressive. I did not mean to hurt you and I mean you no harm. I was just really upset that agreeing with an anti sexist rhetoric caused me to be called transphobic when this is something I am completely against. Not sure you read every replies I wrote because I was also discussing with other folks in the section but I was saying that even if Terfs may use that rhetoric against trans people, we shouldn’t give it to them and allow them to reclaim it.

Your argument can be turned around by saying that on the other hand, both trans men and trans women can be victims of misogyny based on how they are perceived and can suffer from sexist violence. The bear thing is purposely exaggerated and extreme because its point is to catch attention and to be shocking. Of course it can lead to deeper conversations and reflections later on, but the priority is to point out sexism and violence against women. At the moment, men are the oppressor, since our society is patriarchal, and women are oppressed. Asking women to stop hating or fearing their oppressor will do nothing to help them stop being oppressed. I understand your sentiments and it’s great that you are fighting for trans people to not end up with that rhetoric used against them. But this was not the idea behind the original topic. Of course we can open up a discussion about this but it shouldn’t be overstepping on women’s attempts to denounce what they go through. Terfs are terrible people and will hide behind feminist arguments but we can’t let them reclaim all of these arguments and let them turn them into transphobic ideas because we would be giving them what they want by letting them become some spokesperson for feminism. Most women who agreed with the bear thing were not carrying any ill sentiment against trans people. Because that wasn’t what the topic was about. But I appreciate that you added another post and explained yourself more, and I am sorry that the discussion became a heated argument and that I got a bit too emotional.

I wish you well and hope you have a nice day.

I don't think I got your previous message (Unless you were this person? But you're a lot politer than them so I'm going to guess not)

I was also very upset at the time, which was definitely hindering my ability to have a productive conversation with you. I apologize for that.

To be clear, again, I don't think saying "bear" makes you as an individual transphobic- just that the sort of rhetoric present in the "man vs bear" discussion is very similar to the rhetoric that gets used against trans people.

I fully agree with the idea that too many women, and too many people in general, have been victims of violence from men. That it's horrible for so many people to have been traumatized in such a way that they don't feel safe around men. My problem is that this conversation frames men* as the worst possible threat. Not everyone who says "bear" feels this way, but a majority of them do

*or really, people who are presumed to be men based on appearance, because no one is going around asking strangers "excuse me, what's your gender identity?" before they decide whether or not they feel safe

even if Terfs may use that rhetoric against trans people, we shouldn’t give it to them and allow them to reclaim it

The thing is, this perception of men (or "men") as the ultimate threat isn't something we are "giving to" TERFs- it is already a foundational part of their beliefs. You can read further about some common TERF talking points here.

Your argument can be turned around by saying that on the other hand, both trans men and trans women can be victims of misogyny based on how they are perceived and can suffer from sexist violence

Yes! Absolutely! Both trans men and trans women, as well as other sorts of trans people, very much do suffer from sexist violence, and this might cause them to feel unsafe around (people they perceive to be) men just like many cis women do.

That doesn't contradict my point that trans people also suffer from anti-man rhetoric.

Of course it can lead to deeper conversations and reflections later on, but the priority is to point out sexism and violence against women.

Pointing out sexism and violence against women is absolutely an important thing! I do think it can be done without treating men/people perceived as men as inherently dangerous though.

Asking women to stop hating or fearing their oppressor will do nothing to help them stop being oppressed.

Obviously we shouldn't stop fighting misogyny because everything will be solved if women just stop hating men, or anything. But I do still want women to stop hating men. "Misandry, as I see it, can never reliably be prevented from collapsing into transphobia." (Not "misandry" as in a form of systemic oppression equivalent to misogyny, but as in the literal "hatred of men.")

Most women who agreed with the bear thing were not carrying any ill sentiment against trans people. Because that wasn’t what the topic was about

Even if the topic wasn't directly about transphobia- "man vs bear" is closely related to the belief that men/perceived as men are the worst possible danger, which is closely related to transphobia.

I don't think all women who say "bear" are transphobic, consciously or even unconsciously, or that they need to change their answer or else they hate trans people.

However, I don't think it's unreasonable to act people to reflect on their internal biases, and on how the way they perceive men may relate to transphobia.

Thank you for the chance to have a civil conversation about this, I wish you well too

[dontjinxx]

I know you love Ortega, so what are your headcanons for him?

I do (cracks knuckles)

So as some of u probably know, I hc Ortega as disabled . specifically, I hc him with juvenile arthritis . I saw that baton in the canon games and saw him leaning on it like a cane and took that and ran with it lol . to me he’s 100% a mobility aid user, who often needs a cane at the least but also uses crutches and wheelchairs on worse pain days . his friends of course are very supportive and respectfully make sure he’s ok, but I also hc ortega does NOT like being babied .

Ortega is hinted at to have relied on his parents / his parents money in the past . so from that I hc that as a younger child and before Team Star, Ortega was a very spoiled child who would run to his parents whenever something happened . his parents were probably the coddling and “throw money at the problem” people, so when Ortega started having problems their money couldn’t instantly fix, they didn’t know what to do and just left him hanging . Ortega never learned to deal with his problems head on, so when he started getting bullied ( and realized his parents couldn’t just fix it ) he had no idea what to do . Because of being small, he was 100% seen as an easy target for bullying, even physically . I think a big reason he’s got such a defensive / standoffish attitude is because he couldn’t solve his problems with fighting physically so he had to adapt and instead learn to verbally deal with bullies .

Also, from all of this, Ortega has grown to strongly dislike what he sees as coddling . he wants to grow and be his own person, and doesn’t want to be a spoiled brat anymore. However, this leaks into his perception of coddling vs offering genuine help and can sometimes get defensive when offered any help at all . He sometimes refuses to accept help, not out of ego, but out of fear that he’s being seen as a child or he’s being a bad person .

Ortega definitely doesn’t want his parents company . He has no interest in business, and his parents probably push it onto him especially since he started acting out with Team Star . I think he’d wanna pursue engineering more than anything .

I think he dyes his hair pink and it’s naturally grayish brown and yes this is solely because of the different colored hair at his roots

I also stand by the hc that he’s bratty and definitely not terribly nice to people he doesn’t know / trust ( and especially adults he doesn’t trust ) BUT he can be super sweet to people he cares about . I know in my heart he is so caring towards Star and will tell off anybody who crosses them .

His love language is gift giving for others, but enjoys receiving words of affirmation .

He doesn’t like being touched by people he doesn’t fully trust ( basically anyone outside of Penny and the Star bosses )

He doesn’t even like piano that much, he’s just been forced into it by his parents and got used to it

He’s a certified genius . like this is canon but I like to amplify it . dude was implied to have built a starmobile in a NIGHT like that’s insane . also he figured out how to integrate terastallization INTO his starmobiles so they could all have their own Pokémon type starmobiles like ??? that’s crazy bc tera research was literally the professor’s work and some fuckin 4 foot tall brat figured it out in a night .

Also I hc him as gay, and probably a cis guy since I kinda see him being comfortable as male and he just has no concept of gender norms / expectations . guys can love pink and being cute and also giant cars built for battle !!

[wutheringmights]

Off anon, Long ask ahead.

Serious: When my friend first sent CTB to me, I read the first two chapters. Then I abandoned it. A long while later. I remembered I never read it. Thought, “Well let’s give it one more chance, it might surprise me.” Man, oh man did it. I got to the Ear-piercing scene and was hooked. The dread I felt throughout the past sections. Just knowing Something terrible was going to happen and they were going to stop being friends, brothers. When Spirit discovered Warriors had been lying about the light spirits. I thought that was it. But Then It Wasn’t. and that was so much worse. In a good way. Defying expectations. The neck scene. Changed the whole game. Went from, “I’ve got stop projecting onto these characters. Obviously, the author didn’t mean for me to interpret it like That.” To, “Holy Shit I am So Awesome and good at subtext.” Very good. I did not notice the underlining theme about hands until it was Too Late. Went back and looked at previous chapters. Oh my god it was so obvious. Of course, now I am intentionally looking for foreshadowing. Which might also cause problems. I am noticing Drowning coming up A Whole Lot. So, worries. Went back and reread the first two chapters after I finished reading and was punched in the face by how much I missed. I was mainly compelled by the past sections. In part because there were fewer characters and thus it was easier for me to understand. The first time the present sections really got me was when Warriors found Wind with the journal. I was so scared for him. And the next chapter did not disway my fears. I cannot properly explain the way I felt when reading. Every so often I would feel the most amazing sense of dread while reading. And it compelled me. You wove such complicated feelings into this story. I so desperately wish I was better at explaining emotions, just so that I can tell you how I felt while reading. But god. I can find myself in some way in Spirit, The child, and Warriors. It’s so incredible.

The dread I felt during Scenes like, the entirety of chap 14 or the build up to The child’s departure. Is rivaled only by the Horror I felt when the Minish showed up in chapter 16. I actually had to stop reading for a moment because I was so scared. I don’t know why.

Silly: Don’t worry, I’ve already ‘fought’ my friend. When the name twilight came up, I genuinely thought it was twilight sparkle from my little pony. I very quickly scrolled back up to look at the character tags (I did not look at any of the tags before reading, big mistake.) when the minish first came up, I felt such a primal sense of fear. I can’t even explain it. I thought I was getting by fine. Then A Creature showed up and my gosh. I had to stop reading for a minute and prepare myself because I was just SO scared. Though I have to say that by far the scariest moment when reading, was the slow dreading realization that every single character was blonde. Horrifying. I keep getting Wind and Wild mixed up. It’s causing problems. It took me so long to realize Time was the child. I was so dead set on the theory that Time was an older Warriors. It made sense at the time. Speaking of Warriors. I keep thinking of him with facial hair. which is funny because he is constantly described with a clean-shaven face. And I kept forgetting. I have to wax him in my brain every few minutes. Legend is flipflopping in my brain from, I think I know what game he’s from, to, emo teen. I no longer know how old any character is. I do not trust my perception of age. I thought 'old man' Time was in his Sixties, I thought he had fully gray hair. NOPE! Another blonde boy! I knew of exactly two legend of Zelda games. Original legend of Zelda, and Tears of the Kingdom (and super smash bros. if that counts???). I think perhaps this is causing problems. When Lana got mad at Warriors for spreading rumors about her and Time. I remember thinking, “That’s kind of an overreaction.” And then I went back and reread that that chapter and GET HIS FUCKING ASS LANA. I am now a Lana apologist.

Spirit is just continuously playing the “Hate” monologue from, “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream,” in his head (Me, projecting again). This is very disjointed. Thank you.

Going into this story with nothing but Tears of the Kingdom, the original LOZ, and Super Smash Bros to guide you is a feat. I have friends who are more well-versed in Zelda lore, and they do not understand what is going on.

I am both impressed and terrified. I still think you should fight your friend.

Nonetheless, I'm really happy that you enjoyed the story-- especially the past sections. The past is always the hardest to write, and it's really nice to know that you were so deeply invested in it. I'm really happy that you found it compelling and dread-inducing. Truly, thank you <3

Also, Spirit having the hate monologue on loop in his brain is the funniest take on the character. No notes.

[distortedsense]

Art I made for my fantasy book The Day My Dream Died about a young woman who lives in a world where some people can access a dream realm called the undermind which reflects humanity’s perception of reality. The undermind also breeds dark creatures called fiends which feed on the thoughts and emotions of people. The people who can access the undermind are known as dwellers, and are often relied upon by the people around them to protect, defend and heal those touched by fiends the way a healer wards off disease and helps close wounds. Some societies are more or less proactive in upholding a practice of this tendency, and the view of what it means to have access to the undermind can be starkly different from one culture to another.

Our protagonist, a young woman named Lise, is pursuing her sister who has fled home under the influence of fiends. The problem is, her sister’s fiends seem to have become contagious and spread in the towns she has passed through. Lise finds herself overwhelmed with the number of people dead and dying in her sister’s wake and struggles to catch up in the midst of the terrible chaos. The fiends are devouring people at a rate unseen in recent history. Lise wants to do more than merely survive but even her survival is starting to seem dubious in the face of the fiends’ new developments.

The world this story takes place on is known by many of its peoples as Komalle. It is a planet whose life may seem a little surreal, owing to the fact that a single, full day/night cycle takes longer to finish than 400 of our days and nights. They count days like we count years. Broken into 4 quadrants of 10 weeks of 10 cycles of 10 hours of 100 minutes of 100 seconds. Lise is 18 nights old at the beginning of her journey, the rough equivalent of 23 years old in our world.

Something darker, a spot of perfect darkness, resides behind the mind of Lise. An inherited illness her mother had which she knows only as NON beckons her into a stasis near death. Something deeper than comatose, an undeath, which had plagued her mother throughout her life. For much of Lise’s childhood her mother lay in a cool, near death state. It happened upon Lise herself in her adolescence and she fears how a part of her yearns to return to it and remain in it forever.

tip of the iceberg for u my little tiny captains 🦔 🫡 welcome to a new world

I want the writing and art to be accessible for free on the internet but if you like the story/art and want to support me you can check out the posters I have available below. If you like a piece I haven’t put up there send me a message or leave a comment somewhere letting me know and I’ll add it.

Art Prints

I will end up reinvesting most of whatever I make into the art because that’s basically all I want to do in life anyway. Trying to do a lot with a little here, of course, and I’ll always seek to do more with whatever I have within my grasp. I have pretty severe chronic pain so I’m well accustomed to trying to accomplish a lot within certain limits. I think this project is pretty ambitious for a one person show but when the material is accumulated for everyone to see and all is said and done I think this will really be a great fantasy epic for the ages. It’s got my flair for the distorted and surreal but ultimately wondrous. It is epic adventure and horror and mental anguish and beautiful cursed trees and death and life and other assorted especially cool and radical fantasy psychicologicalphilosophickeries as they say. Please check the story out for free and let me know what you liked or loved. I share new chapters every couple weeks sort of staggered out as I have few readers latching on yet/caught up to what’s already out. Anyway, enjoy!

ART, FOOL! ART!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, I am a girl ENFJ, 18 and I think that maybe I am in grip. But even if this is not the case, I am terribly worried about how my problems affect my standard of living and my general morale now and how it will affect even more in the future.

I realized that at some point in my life I became too critical and became too defensive about the feelings of others. To be honest, I don't even remember when I was able to do otherwise. Those moments when others thanked me for showing empathy/the sympathy seemed completely random to me. It was like, "But I didn't do anything, did I? what are you thanking me for?" or something like "I used these words as a defense against your feelings, but did they help you?".

And now I can assume that I was showing sympathy or helping them understand their feelings without realizing it. But, even so, it makes me think that this is strange. It's like, "I'm not that good at all and I didn't do anything good on purpose, so why are you grateful to me?"

I don't really know how to build long-term relationships with people. I do not know how to defend my personal boundaries and be aware of them, I do not know how to take into account my needs, which is why, as a result, I often left the relationship. Some were, in fact, toxic, and I just idealized people. But there were also those that could be very good, but I was afraid of such. I was afraid that people might love me or trust me.

Only recently I realized how low my self-esteem is. Due to the fact that I have never been able to build a healthy and long-term relationship, I closed myself off from them. I began to believe that since I can only cause pain and since people cause me so much pain, I should get away from any close relationship. And, as a result, I continue to actively reach out to society, but it comes out very distorted, through the prism of all my fears. I became very critical of others and of myself. I don't see any value in myself and reject other people.

I've seen that you advise developing Ni, but every time I try to do it, I don't understand what to look at. And I feel restless and anxious when I try to turn into conscious reflection. I immediately have a desire to avoid this and occupy myself with something else that will just help to distract myself.

I don't quite understand what caused this fear. I think I'm afraid of the responsibility I'm dealing with. It's like if I start now and I have to sort out that huge pile of cases and problems that I have. And I feel like there's so much of it and that I just can't handle it all. And I'm also afraid of criticism. I don't understand when, in fact, it is necessary to change. And I even want to say that I don't understand when to criticize myself? That is, I don't understand when I'm acting correctly, and when I have to fix something? As if there should be some rules here.

And I would like to ask you for advice. Where can I start to gradually solve these problems? What can I do not to be afraid to immerse myself in myself and not to avoid myself?

----------------------

The best way to tackle a big problem is to break it down into smaller and more manageable steps. Since you are unable to do this, I will outline the various issues you have raised, roughly in the order in which I believe you ought to address them:

1) Inferior Grip: How did you come to believe you are ENFJ? You say you don't remember a time when you weren't like this. This is a red flag in terms of type assessment because a person cannot be in inferior grip for the entirety of their life. It would mean they've never had any sort of real grasp on the positive traits of that type, especially with regard to the dominant function. This would make it nonsensical for them to classify into that type.

As such, there is a possibility that: you are exaggerating, your self-perception is highly distorted (and not suitable for self-assessment), or you are mistyped. If others can recognize some positive traits of the type in you but you don't, it is all the more reason to double check your type, because it means Fe is not operating in any dominant capacity. As a general rule, I won't go into detail about function development as long as doubt remains about the correct type.

While it is possible to struggle with inferior grip for a long time, there must be a reasonable explanation/cause given for why the dominant function is so poorly developed. You have not provided an adequate reason by my standards, so the most I can do is remind you that it's important to be certain about your type before attempting function development. As per the warning in the Type Dev Guide, trying to develop the wrong functions or developing functions in the wrong order can be harmful to your psychological well-being.

2) Self-Regard: Low self-esteem/self-worth/self-confidence is an extraneous psychological issue that can slow, inhibit, or misdirect your attempts at function development. Therefore, it is advisable to address it before you attempt function development. I have already written a lot about the topics of self-esteem and self-worth, consult past posts. The process of improving self-regard usually involves changing distorted beliefs, adopting more appropriate values, correcting faulty reasoning, and/or healing old traumas. It is a serious issue and since you have very little insight into it, perhaps it's a good idea to work with a therapist to get to the bottom of it.

3) Emotion: You should not try to develop your functions unless you are fully committed to learning, change, and growth. Improving oneself is difficult enough without additional obstacles such as fear, apathy, ambivalence, or resistance. These kinds of emotional problems produce a lot of frustration that can be very damaging to motivation, which in turn makes people more likely to give up on their self-improvement efforts.

Unwillingness to reflect on yourself basically reduces your emotional awareness, thus leaving your feelings and emotions unaddressed and wreaking havoc through more unconscious expressions. When you aren't able to manage your emotional life well, it's hard to feel in control and confident.

Improving emotional intelligence is vital for the development of Fe. While I cannot say it is an easy task, I have witnessed many people show marked improvement in this domain when they followed reliable methods. Consult past posts and the recommended books on the resources page.

4) Skill: For some people, low self-esteem is really low self-confidence that stems from lack of knowledge and/or skill. This is a common problem for FJs due to slow Ti development. It seems you lack basic problem solving skills, so you are afraid/unwilling to confront your problems as a result, thus leaving them to fester and worsen.

Problem solving skill is a subset of critical thinking skills. It involves things such as:

language ability to name and describe problems with precision

analytical ability to break down problems into constituent parts

logical ability to identify causes/factors behind the problem

an open and creative mind to brainstorm and experiment with different possible solutions

organizing ability to carry out solutions with a systematic plan

adaptability in adjusting ideas/solutions to new information

Problem solving and critical thinking are important life skills you should've picked up throughout your schooling. However, not everyone has access to quality education. If you haven't learned these skills by adulthood, the onus is on you to learn on your own and/or pursue further education. Just like emotional intelligence, it is very doable because there are already reliable methods you can follow, see past posts and recommended books.

5) Relationships: You say you do not know how to take into account your needs. Start with the basics: Everyone needs to have a sense of safety in order to conduct relationships in a healthy way. If you don't feel safe around people, then you need to ask yourself why, in order to discover whether the reason lies mainly with you or them or a bit of both - the cause determines what the solution should be.

For example: Sometimes, other people are actually unsafe because they are unwell, bullies, or abusive, which means you should get away from them. Sometimes, people are quite safe but you still feel unsafe around them because you have unresolved trauma from the past that prevents you from engaging fully in the relationship, which means you might need the help of a therapist to heal. Sometimes, people feel unsafe to you because you have grossly misunderstood them, which means you need to do more to understand them better.

The point is you won't make well-informed relationship decisions as long as you are not in possession of the truth about yourself and others. And how will you get the truth if you are not open to inquiry, exploration, examination, feedback, and criticism? Without the truth, you will always be flying blind, which doesn't feel safe, does it? YOU play a crucial part in creating an atmosphere of "danger" by not addressing the ways in which you are flying blind, which means you need to do your part by opening your eyes and learning to see more clearly. That is what Ni+Ti development is about.

As you know, it's difficult to be good at relationships and bring something of value to others when you don't have your own life in good order. However, refraining from relationships isn't the way to improve your relationship skills, rather, it means you give up every opportunity to learn and develop them. Since you have so little insight into yourself, it is necessary for you to see yourself more clearly through the eyes of others - Fe development cannot proceed properly otherwise. This means learning how to turn all feedback and criticism into something constructive, even when it's painful.

Emotional pain is something to learn from, not something to avoid. As long as you fear the pain of living life, you'll be stuck. You have a choice to make as to what's more important to you: the safety of your comfort zones, or the growing pains of personal growth. You make that choice every day and you can change your decision at will.

[council-of-beetroot]

Polpru CEO, you gotta tell us what their wedding looks would be, it's a classic staple of shipping

Somewhere, I have an explanation of the polpru wedding

Some background I have never been to a wedding however I have watched all of Four weddings and much of 90 day fiancé on TLC so my perception on weddings are skewed.

Also note I am insane and therefore like weddings where you know deep down this is a terrible decision but you are kinda curious how married life will be like for them so you don't object

Finally keep in mind that a lot of this would not fly by today's standards but this is the 19th century and Gilbert is Gilbert who is even by 19th century standards is an ass.

And I'm really sorry if you wanted nice cute Instagram photoshoot wedding

Anyway on with the wedding! 💍

(This occurs after the partitions)So, Gil needs to get married. Problem is no sane woman would marry him (tell me I'm wrong) and Hungary is taken. So Gil sees Feliks and is like hey Feliks is like lady adjacent right? This could work not like Feliks has anything better to do now that he doesn't technically exist lmao. Plus what better way than to get back at your rival (Tolys) than by fucking their wife. (Of course sex before marriage is a sin and all so Gil being a model God fearing Christian has to get married before he can sleep with his enemy's wife)

Gilbert isn't one for low-key celebrations he needs to go all out with this wedding. Decor with his national colours, everyone is invited to the glorious occasion!

Reminded me of this post of mine here

Okay side note why has Google search gotten worse like I look up weddings in Prussia and they give me wedding venues near me.

Okay so what about our dear bride? Well Feliks learns of this and is like "wtf, I'm not marrying your pathetic ass." Gil's like "perfect we'll get your measurements for the dress and we'll be married in no time!"

The wedding day arrives and Gilbert basically tells Feliks that he better commit to the fuckin' bit or there will be hell to pay.

It's a very awkward ceremony even if this was a perfectly normal wedding, Feliks is a little freaked out because this is a big social event, But the people doing his makeup and stuff are like it's okay everyone is nervous before the wedding you'll do great! so he decides okay let's just get this over with, play my part and discretely piss Gilbert off somehow to make it worth my wild and then I can go back to whatever I was doing previously (going through an identity crisis) He, however doesn't realize that Gil is committed to the marriage bit.

Now their first night together? Well that's a whole other story

Here's another post going a bit more into the domestic side of things for them here

I really need to plan out the wedding and venue more though. Also how well do they pull the charade off. Any ideas would be lovely 😊 also any information on standard Prussian marriage practices would be appreciated.

Now a modern polpru wedding would probably be quite different than this.

[callmelexy]

Oh... It's a sense of self

First of all... What is a "sense of self"?

According to google, a sense of self refers to your perception of the collection of characteristics that define you. Personality traits, abilities, likes and dislikes, your belief system or moral code, and the things that motivate you — these all contribute to self-image or your unique identity as a person.

After watching Inside Out 2 today, I realised that the sense of self we have skews our perception and determines our actions.

Let's say I dropped my cup of coffee today...

If I had a negative sense of self, I'd probaby say "F*ck, i'm so dumb for dropping that coffee cup". If I had a positive sense of self, I'd probaby say "Oh no, my coffee! It's ok. Sometimes it's just a bad day."

The development of our sense of self begins at a young age, I believe. Weaving together from our childhood until now. As I sat through the movie and saw Riley with her multiple emotions, I realised a strong sense of self is good but it is also malleable. I once suffered from very deep negative self talk. On the outside, I pride myself as a go-getter, a problem solver but the source of that pride came from a terrible fear of failure. I'd rather not take on a project or request than to fail and dissapoint those around me. With therapy and keeping a more open mind, I realised my sense of self altered from drawing motivation from "I need to prove i'm good enough" to "I may not be the best, but I will try my best".

As my sense of self improved, I realise the lens of my looking of others changed too. I was less skeptical of others' intentions, more into giving people chances, more genuine with my interactions and definitely, more trusting of my own intuition.

Yesterday, I had dinner with two friends, J and Q. As per our usual meet up, we talked about life, love, career and everything in between. J went on about how her work predicament included not being able to small talk or "play the game" to win brownie points with her boss. What really struck a chord with me was her saying "Alex, you know how to play the game and I wish I knew how to." For some reason, part of me felt anger. I felt accused, shamed and embarrassed. I tried to take pride in it, tried to cover with something like "oh ya, playing the game is fun" but i knew those were not honest words. And for that, J & Q, I'm sorry.

It was a fun meet up, no doubt. But I came home emotionally uneasy, as if something was about to bubble up. I thought... Maybe it was because of my unhappiness with my boss / the current company system, but today, I realised I was unhappy because a part of my sense of self was derived from being liked. And that desperation of being liked was derived from a terrible fear that I would be iced out the way I was way back in my childhood / school days.

If we're being completely honest, a part of my anger for my boss also stems from "it takes one to know one." Playing the game, as part of my sense of self, made me a "lalang" type of person too. And maybe it took J to say it to my face, for me to detach myself from the narrative I created so long ago. Genuinely, thank you, J.

J, Q, you and I will be facing many changes to come, as how life is. And that sense of self is very important to ensure we stick our core values and positive belief systems. But when we encounter a negative belief system, like how I did today, I've learnt to mentally give it a hug and say "it's ok, you can go now."

To that lil girl who was ignored by her family and not included by her peers in school, I hope you know that you're actually a very likeable girl. You just hadn't met the right friends yet. You've learnt how to morph into multiple characters to survive the social world, but rest assured, you can let your guard down. You can be you. & that really is enough. You can start to let go of the bitterness and anger. You do not need to play games or win points to get ahead anymore. You can take a break, knowing that genuine connections will draw themselves to you and you to them as you choose to be as genuine as possible. & if you do get hurt or taken advantage of, learn to be a bit more wary but never lose the spark the people closest to you love.

And to all my gentle readers...

I hope you slowly let go of the fear, anger or negative self talk. I hope you give it a mental hug when it bubbles up and let him / her know that yes, it does suck to get hurt but it is much too painful to continue on with life from deep wounds. Let the wound close up, heal and develop into a scar. A scar that reminds you that it does get better and that you are worthy of love, acceptance, joy and all those good things we crave.

This post is for J & Q. Thank you for allowing me the space to be myself thoughout our friendship. Thank you for providing honesty and openness. I love you girls very much.

[paralyze-fic]

Paralyze.

Chapter 43

"Your daughter..." I started, looking up at him trying to keep my face neutral, "Seems to be scared of something." I stared down at her again, and tears were filling her red eyes so I touched her hair again to help her calm down.

"That's because I scolded her a while ago," I nodded without taking my eyes off of her and I tried to say something else. Even if the bandages covering her limbs weren't from normal injuries, there wasn't evidence to prove it.

"Let's keep moving our way," Togata senpai's voice was clear. He wanted us to drop the subject and just make it seem like nothing happened.

But if I know Izuku the way I know him, he would-

"But those injuries don't seem like the ones a kid gets when they play..." -voice out his thoughts.

"She tends to fall a lot..." Chisaki said, but that was a terrible lie.

"A little girl like her, shaking, scared and not saying a word... that doesn't seem normal to me." Chisaki was getting mad by now, I was thinking the same way as Izuku, but the suspicion wouldn't be good for the investigation Sir was doing.

"Izuku, I know how you feel, but this isn't the moment. If she's in danger... we'll save her later." Izuku looked at me and I saw how serious he was. "You want... to save her now, right?" He nodded once and I sighed, "Me too. But... please, just-"

"What are you doing to this girl?" He asked firmly, without letting me finish.

-don't get us in trouble...

I thought this was it, all of Sir's work just got thrown into the trash and Chisaki was probably going to do something to us, but all he did was sigh. "All the heroes are so perceptive. Well, it's something embarrassing... I don't want to talk about it in an open place, could you follow me over here?" Chisaki turned around and began walking into the alleyway he and his daughter came out of.

Izuku stood up and I did too, especially because the girl was still holding me too, so she pulled me up with Izuki. Togata senpai, Izuku and I made eye contact, I knew what he was trying to say to us. I nodded and followed them.

I stayed a bit behind, looking at the girl and smiling at her. I stroked her hair and softly pinched her cheek, "What's your name, honey?" She stared at me, with her eyes filled with fear.

"Eri..." I smiled more and caressed her cheek, she leaned against it, and that made my heart ache.

"So Eri-chan, right?" Eri nodded and I observed her, "You're a pretty girl, Eri-chan, and your horn is really cute," she blushed a bit and hid her face in Izuku's costume.

"Thank you, sir." I chuckled and she grinned a bit.

"You can call me (M/n), I'm not that old, Eri-chan." For a moment I went serious and got close to her ear. "We probably can't help you now, Eri-chan, but we'll come back for you and rescue you, okay?" She stared at me with surprise. Thankfully, Izuku and Togata senpai had been talking as a distraction, and that worked to make Chisaki unaware of my words.

"Promise?" Her eyes teared up and I nodded looking into her eyes.

"I promise, but keep it a secret okay?" She nodded and tried to smile a bit.

And finally, we stopped.

We saw how Chisaki slipped one of his gloved fingers into his gloved hand and that made Eri-chan jump off Izuku, running towards Chisaki. That surprised me but also made me feel even more determined.

I'll save you Eri... that's what heroes do.

"You're done with your tantrum?" And she just nodded in silence, her head down. "She's always like this. I'm sorry, thank you for deviating from your way to listen to my problems. Excuse me for causing you trouble," he held Eri's hand and slowly walked away. "Well, then, good luck with your job."

"Wait! Why...?" Togata senpai and I extended our arms out, holding Izuku back to prevent him from going after them.

"Don't go after him, didn't you notice? He just showed us his attempt to kill us." I stared ahead, where the two had disappeared.

"That's how he got her to go back with him, Izuku." He looked at senpai, and then at me as we talked. "If we persecute him too much, he will be harder to catch. Let's just follow Sir's orders."

We made our way back and continued our patrol for a bit, only stopping when Togata senpai took his phone out and made a call. Izuku and I stayed behind him and I saw the green-haired boy's expression.

"We'll save her, Deku..." he looked at me with confusion, "I promised Eri-chan we'll save her, because... we're heroes." His eyes teared up and he closed them.

"When we have our costumes, we are heroes." He repeated senpai's words and I hugged him.

"So, don't worry too much, we will rescue Eri, together, okay?" He nodded against my chest and senpai ended his call, a momentary surprised look on his face which faded almost immediately.

"We have to go and reunite with Sir and Bubble Girl, let's go." We followed senpai and on our way, Izuku was silent. Every now and then Togata senpai and I would talk, but it never lasted long.

The three of us were shaken at that encounter and the impotence of not being able to help Eri, and we were busy thinking all the way to the meeting point, not caring about the rain starting to fall on us.

//////

"We're really sorry! We got ourselves in a problem!" That was the first thing senpai told Sir, "We never imagined we would encounter him around a corner like a transfer student or something!" Sir lifted his hand and apologized.

"No, that was a mistake on my part. If I had tried to use my quirk in any of you this wouldn't have happened." Right after he said that I felt my phone vibrate, but I ignored it, this was serious.

"Anyway, I'm glad you're okay! If you had made a wrong move you would've alerted him and it could have been dangerous." I couldn't help but agree with what Bubble-chan, and then Izuku said something about how Chisaki just didn't look that scary.

After that, Sir told us about the incident that happened a few days ago and how the Shie Hassaikai were the bystanders.

I knew about that incident. I saw it in the news when it happened, but Sir's explanation was more detailed than what was said on TV.

And Bubble-chan told us about how they kept an eye on that incident, also saying something more about Chisaki. I didn't really hear it all, I was only able to think about Eri.

I noticed they were walking, so I followed them, staying at the back.

"Ah, I almost forgot it! Sir!" Togata senpai called him, and he turned to look at him. "Talking of injuries... we have some new information! Chisaki has a daughter!"

"A daughter?"

"Her name was 'Eri'. She had bandages around her legs and arms, and she was completely terrified," Izuku explained and I just bit my tongue.

I feel so useless... I could've...

I should've done something! But I remembered my training during my internship after the Sports Festival.

When Sir explained to me that rescuing people doesn't happen at that exact moment. Or at least, not always. Especially when it's a situation like the current one. Sometimes you just have to wait and create the perfect plan to assure their safety.

[noahtally-famous]

'supernatural au thingie' 👀?

okay so first: I'm sorry for responding so late, readapting to college life has been quite hectic lmao

secondly: I did not expect this to catch on this much so I’m putting a disclaimer that this is only partially thought up and partially pulled out of my ass, so pls bear with me lmaoo

thanks for the asks and the comments!! and as desired, here it is! (heads up, it's kinda long 😅)

JASMINE: descended from the great women warriors, the mythological Amazons. even without her ancestry, she's truly a pillar of strength, both physically and mentally. people naturally gravitate toward her for reassurance yet are intimidated by her, alike. her ancestry shows in subtler ways, enhancing the skills she already has; her affinity for animals, particularly horses and other riding creatures; the strength and endurance that surpass an ordinary human; her combat skills that outpace even the strongest warrior. because she is a warrior, one who loves traveling, never being tied down, and who advocates for equality. women can be just as courageous as men. however, despite being equivalent to a show of strength and courage, her stature leaves her more of a lone wolf. (now she doesn't mind so much; she has her ragtag group of friends, after all. like, the phantom who's also a corporal human, in the throes of fear (and hatred)--a self-battle--of the opposite side of the creatures of the dead, an elf with a skewed perception of perfection that seeps at her very being like a parasite leaving her near-invisible compared to her sister, even a hunter who doesn't know what she's getting into setting foot in this town, and a seemingly ordinary guy with a lot more unordinary to him much to his utter dismay. it's far from perfect, in fact, with everyone's accumulating problems, things might get worse before they get better. but she's descended from the Amazons. she's a pillar of strength; she's there for them. she'll make sure everyone survives.)

SHAWN: best friends with Jasmine and Sammy; a ‘ghostbuster’ kinda guy except he doesn’t track down ghosts—he tracks down every other dead entity though. the reason? you can’t track down what you already have in you. along with being a hunter of the dead, ironically, Shawn is also a form of phantom. an accident gone terribly wrong, his physical body is never the same again. while he is a corporal human being, he can do the typical things phantasms can: walk through walls, move quicker and smoother, etc. he's a fantastic hider, only wishing to be found when he wants to be or when taken by surprise. it makes sense that he’d also entertain a deep distrust for the undead; ghosts and zombies are on opposite sides of the spectrum after all.

DAVE: an ordinary guy. totally, utterly, completely ordinary. right? yeah, no, that's what he thought (and hoped). he was ordinary, to give him credit, until a mysterious animal attack ("werewolf!" his best friend, Shawn, often whispered. "or a zombie!") caused his dormant unordinary genes to awaken. understandably, it's cruel irony that the one person who prides himself on being totally normal is actually a supernatural being that is the rarest and most abnormal. like a kick to the face, really. harbinger of death? seriously?! bad enough he gets premonitions of death and, on many occasions, though he's learned to control it over time, has to scream it out, but he's also part of the branch of supernatural that's predominant in women. come on, it's in the name, isn't it? banshee. alas for Dave, that isn't the case. he's going to have to learn to live with his oddity--the rarest of them all: being the male version of a banshee; a ban-he. even among the supernatural world, he's given a second glance. an oddity among oddities, concealed until he cannot anymore. (interesting parallel between Shawn and Dave in here, hm? one having a foot at death's door, the other literally being able to see death. makes sense that Dave's one of those few ppl able to find Shawn when he disappears). a tether, an anchor. he has one in the form of the girl he is closest to; he hasn't ever fathomed what would happen to him if anything drastic happened to her. he doesn't want to fathom it. harbingers of death retain emotional connections as a coping mechanism to ground them to reality, it can be hard for them to move on or let go at times; but he needs to learn to do so, to find a better way to survive, or else it will eat him up from the inside.

TOPHER: it makes sense that Topher would be a siren. an alluring way of words that makes the one spoken to preen; compliments upon compliments slowly luring them in. the catch, however, is simple but unconventional. whispers spread of a curse, (though no one knows if it is true and, if so, who was the curser); of the siren who is the epitome of the greek being Narcissus--only focused on himself even as people throw themselves at him. The Narcissus siren Topher puts his ambitions and fame over everything and everyone else; he would do anything to get on top. trust has no place in his worldview; the only person he does trust is himself. his reflection in the water is the only important, the only beautiful being, and if anyone dares cause some ripples, he'll make sure they regret it.

LEONARD: he's a fairly simple one. with a staff in hand, a penchant for spells and potions, and seemingly gibberish words leaving his lips, it's obvious he's bound for the path of magic. he can sense magical signatures--even potential supernatural ones within a person, though not the specifics. he's a magnet for abnormality, so it makes sense that he embraces it and is able to see it within the so-called normal world. and he does--he embraces the idea of being different, unique. magical. after his scientist father and an accident involving one of his inventions, getting these sweet powers was a pretty awesome deal for him! even if his father still, for some reason, doesn't seem to believe that magic exists. (it's a good thing his uncle, who has faint dwarven blood in him, does or else Leonard will go stir-crazy living with overly logical people.) and it's not just his family, magic is, ironically, the last thing people want to fully believe. aliens, the apocalypse, werewolves, everything else is fine. but magic? and, by extension, Leonard? no way. while it's amusing, it also disheartens him; that the world is so monochrome that such a bright thing like magic is seen as a faraway nothing. I mean, that's fine. it's not like he can show it off everywhere. there are some people who believe him (like the fae with a rose-tinted view of love, and the fiery girl whose supernatural signature is multiple shades of red and orange--like fire); but wherever he went, it seems like a lot of people don't like to believe him so readily (that one guy at school who scoffs at his displays is one of them; but Leonard can do one better: he can see the inhuman signature concealed in the guy's DNA. temporarily. not so normal after all. it'll be quite interesting to watch that blow-up happen--and it will happen soon.)

ELLA: with a musical voice that draws animals--and even people--toward her, her life and perspective are rosy and romantic. despite being a fae, Ella's far from mischievous like her companions. all she wants to do is help her friends and be a good friend in turn. flowers sway in her presence, they are soft and delicate, like her; but there are some plants that are deadly when truly provoked, and surprisingly, that is her as well. she doesn't use it often--if at all--but faes are known for their deadly anger, especially if scorned. Ella keeps saying she is nicer than her brethren, but how far can one really go, when pushed too far, to distance themselves from what's a part of them? (she's one of the few people to break down a frenzied Dave's walls from the start; perhaps it's because, in the end, despite their vivid differences, they both had similar intentions, but for different reasons; they both didn't want to acknowledge a part of them; the difference is that Ella embraced her difference compared to the other fae, Dave attempted to reject his.) really, she just wants to feel love. true, genuine love, unlike the illusions her brethren create.

SKY: truth be told, she's fully and utterly human. not a single drop of supernatural blood in her. no, she's not like Dave; there's seriously nothing hiding within her. however, that doesn't mean she doesn't have a foot in the supernatural world. similar to Shawn, she is also a hunter--though not just of ghosts and the dead; Sky hunts any and every supernatural creature. having grown up with a drive and passion to eradicate the dangers to the world and with an Achillean mentality on her shoulders, she sets out with the belief passed down by her family that the main (and only) thing posing a threat to the innocents are the supernatural. she's about to realize just how wrong she is and how far loyalties can go...

SUGAR: at a first glance, one might assume she, too, is a siren; with a deadly passion and alluring grace that has won her many pageant awards and golden crowns, she can make beauty look messy and deadly but in a defiant way. and that may be true; sometimes the blood and genetics of various supernatural creatures mix within one person. no one relly knows for sure if Sugar and her family hold traces of siren genes. perhaps she also has barbarian genetics in her as well--with her deadly rage and the fire in her eyes when she's scorned. or perhaps that's something different entirely; the fire in her eyes, the deadly rage--like a wildfire, the way her hair seems to glow and spark like embers if you focus on it; sometimes the temperature rises a bit. honestly, if you think abt it, Sugar being a fire sprite makes sense; as well as the traces of dragon ancestry--she hoardes those gold crowns and trophies like nobody's business, basks in pride like its second skin, highly possessive of what she deems her righteously deserved, she doesn't like being scorned; it only feeds the flames. living on a farm, she probably isn't aware of the true power within her.

BEARDO: he can do more than just mimic sounds; the sounds revolve around him. he can warp things, even reality, with just the noises he makes. 'sound manipulator' would be the best way to classify him; his power relies on sound, itself; making him quite a powerful being, indeed, as sound is everywhere, even in the slightest drop of a pin. it's a good thing he isn't vengeful or antagonistic or else there would be problems.

SAMMY & AMY: with their delicate features and light hair, their semi-pointed features, and light eyes, the elven blood runs prominent in the twins. it's said that with little effort they can merge together into one terrifying creature, an unstoppable force; but neither are willing to test that theory out. they hate each other, one unconsciously jealous of the other, while the other just wants to break free from the toxicity. they are each other's monsters, the unstoppable force. while Amy revels in the attention she gets--at the expense of her twin--using her willowy ways to obtain her twisted rose-tinted version of perfection (all elves are obsessed with perfection of some sort), Sammy is the outlier. slowly, she starts to slip away, become more and more Amy instead of Sammy. she cannot stop it, it's the bane of being an elf; Amy's version of perfection bleeds into Sammy, forcing her to believe the same. And elves will do anything to reach that level of perceived perfection. sooner or later, Sammy won't be Sammy anymore unless something changes. like maybe her version of perfection. (but that's something she ultimately has to do on her own; no one else, not even her friends, can pull her out of the merciless grips of the unknown if she doesn't feel like she deserves to be seen.)

MAX: according to him, he's an evil genius. a mad scientist who wishes to observe and pick apart the supernatural. unfortunately (or rather ironically) for him, despite saying over and over that he's a man to be feared, his abode has unintentionally turned into the main sanctuary, a home base for the supernatural. everyone somehow ends up there whenever they need assistance and he complains that he doesn't want to help him, but in the end he does (either via subtle threats, or bc of his own curiosity). over time, he becomes this disgruntled supernatural magnet who helps but is a bit eccentric with ideas that are even more eccentric than his personality). he wants to make himself into a supernatural creature too, invoke that kind of power, but fear holds him back from many things--including becoming part of the supernatural. you know the saying 'his bark is worse than his bite'? that is Max to a T. kind of ironic that the guy who wants to be a supernatural creature doesn't as opposed to some other certain people mentioned above who wanted the exact opposite. (although he is intrigued by that inventor who he asked to be his sidekick. pretty dull move on his end, but he will only realize this far later on. as of right now, he has not a clue why she suddenly despises him so much. he is the evil genius in the making, right? an inventor as a sidekick would be good! he just doesn't get why she's so against it. is he offending her? nonsense! evil doesn't offend...but is he? people are so unnecessarily complicated, ugh.)

SCARLETT: an inventor with quick, deft hands, and a faster and sharper mind, every bone and nerve in Scarlett's body hums to creation--of the mechanical kind. but the mechanisms in her body are not just of the human variety; there is a way of thinking that people often drift to the kind of hobby/career that describes them physically. in Scarlett's case, it is truth. first being experimented on by her overly ambitious mother (a trait she shares) and then testing her own inventions on herself (that is the only form of testing she knows and is used to, after all), and, as the cherry on top, an accident that left half of her body immobile had it not been for an emergency surgery that left one part of her body human and the other a working mechanism of gears and wires and other robotic parts; Scarlett thinks it's funny, really, when she says the only organ in her chest where her heart should be is merely a pulsing hunk of metal. she wonders, at times, if the heart in her is even her own; perhaps, during the surgery, the doctors had switched hearts to keep her alive. it's a thought that sometimes keeps her awake at night, pondering.

RODNEY: no one, not even him and his family, knows his lineage. it's tangled enough as is without bringing in the supernatural too. the phrase 'gentle giant' isn't lost on him; barbarian is too...well, barbaric for someone like him, and there have been considerations of fire sprites or merely forest nymphs and dryad ancestries. the truth is unclear. as said previously, the lineages of the supernatural can get mixed up; it can make sense that Rodney and his family retained several branches of the supernatural. if you ask him, Rodney would say he's just a guy with a love for the forests, the trees, and everything in them. most of all, he loves his family. he would do anything for them. one would even say they're like his pack, but they don't. the supernatural lineages are quite mixed up in this family without adding speculation...right?

[artekai]

Wow, they weren't kidding. Those nightmares can really hit you in your fears and anxieties

Vent under cut (if you read you have to promise not to judge and not to let it affect your perception of me)

I just dreamt that one of my friends texted me something along the lines of "Hey, I need to level with you. I found a romantic partner, and while this hasn't happened before, they fulfill all of my needs so let's not talk anymore" so basically just telling me they didn't need me anymore because they had a partner now so I should stop talking to them. And I know it sounds stupid and like it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things (it's certainly far from the worst I've had), but fuck has it been hard not to be afraid I'm gonna be left alone lately, and my brain just had to spell it out for me. I swear my heart physically hurt when I woke up lmfao, that's how bad it scared me.

I have to imagine it would be easier to deal with the actual, concrete, physical problems I have irl if I weren't also constantly anxious about losing everyone I care about. I'm a terrible friend so I don't see why they shouldn't get tired of me soon and move onto someone better. I know at least they deserve better. And what else do I have going for me if not my friends? They're the only reason I'm still sane. Fml.

I hate that I'm like this. I hate that it genuinely scares me to the point of making me feel physically sick. I've been getting the urge to self isolate again - granted, I've been busy and exhausted so that also makes it harder to socialize - but a part of me still can't help but feel like it would be easier to take it into my own hands, to strike first so it doesn't catch me by surprise. It's my fault that I'm afraid to lose anyone, anyway, for daring to let myself get close to them in the first place. But it always feels so good at first, doesn't it? I always get carried away by that feeling, even knowing what's inevitably coming, sooner or later.

I can't help but think I'm a horrible person for thinking that way, too. I literally come here and publicly display red flags every other day lmao. So I don't understand how my friends still think I'm worth being friends with. Why they didn't jump ship early on like the ones who did. They were right. I'm not worth the risk. I really aren't.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but there is something really wrong going on deep inside, and I really do feel it every day. No matter what I do I'm gonna end up hurting someone I really care about, either by pushing them away or pulling them in close, and I'm not sure which possibility scares me more. I should've stayed alone when I had the chance. It's not fair of me to drag others down with me - to drag really good people who don't deserve it down with me. Just because being alone was starting to hurt me. How selfish, isn't it? It was downright stupid to think I could do things right this time. I don't think I really believed it, I just wanted an excuse.

I really do hate myself a lot. I hate this is how I am, and how I feel, and how I think. I just wanna curl up and cry and forget there is a world outside of me at all. What I've really needed for a while is a shoulder to cry on. But when I try to open up to someone it feels like they jump straight to offering advice or trying to cheer me up or just get uncomfortable and change the topic, and, if they don't, I feel pressured to wrap it up quickly so as to not burden them too much. So how am I expected to open up when it feels like I'm not welcome to do so in my own terms? I'm so sick and tired of bottling shit up. I just want to let things suck sometimes. Because they suck and it's exhausting to pretend it doesn't affect me.

Sigh. I really do just need to break down in someone's arms. But really I just wanna lay down and die. Fml.

[cadmusfly]

My AI art/neural network art/image synthesis conspiracy theories:

Living artists who are represented in image synthesis datasets to a recognisable degree would not be so nearly impacted if it wasn't for the existence of Pinterest and similar image reposting sites. Without Pinterest, most living artists' names would not be recognised by image synthesis and the fears of direct style infringement would not be so exacerbated

The current drama and fears surrounding copyright violations of AI art will cause companies to shy away from embracing image synthesis, thus slowing down the possible threat of artist labour replacement by automation and placing image synthesis - for the moment - as a playground for artistic exploration, research, hobbyists and unfortunately nft tech bros

My other AI art hot takes include that I think that people are focusing on the wrong end - that the impact of image synthesis outputs (like the use of it in corporate settings and the use of it to knowingly harrass and infringe on artists and people who don't want to see it) is more important than the dataset input, which is more of a PR problem that exacerbates the perception of the output abuses

and that legal remedies against ai art have the potential to hurt other fields such as transformative artwork and general internet stuff as collateral damage

I also consider my use of ai art to be an extension of my lifelong appreciation and engagement with transformative art in general (fanfiction and fanart)

also most ai art, possibly including mine, is not good, and that is perfectly okay because artistic endeavour is allowed to be terrible even if it is by nft bros

i'm just having fun making weird boats

(image generated with stable diffusion, will put full prompts on @teuthisdreams soon because this was created via generating an abstract image with the colours of the asexual flag and then passing that into a prompt invoking aivazovsky + homer + brandywine school)

[springvaletales]

((Session 65 is wrapped!))

I wore myself out today doing other adult-related things that needed to be done and I am not all here but it’s been two weeks since last session and I don’t want to let my players down.

We start off with Thiori asking to give Ra-Ra a gun. Very specifically a Topaz Annihilator.

“Are you sure you want to give the Muppet a gun?”

He is very determined to find this gun. If he rolls a 20 while looting the prison, I’ll let him find it.

The recruitment room the party was left in is unguarded, so they sneaked out and had Thiori track Master L.O.C.K.E.’s location.

The Players finally realized that I’d named the prison warden ‘Masterlock’.

"Where's the fantasy Lockpicking Lawyer when you need him?"

The pirate guards are leaving the party alone as they move through the prison - mostly bc Thiori has lit up his glaive with his lightning and they think he’s a guard leading a tour of new recruits.

Master L.O.C.K.E. surprised the party by standing on the catwalk above them and dropping down metal flakes from his cigar/brand, but it….didn’t have the desired intimidation effect.

Bagelby threatened to go to Master L.O.C.K.E.'s boss (the Pirate King) and get him fired on the grounds of dereliction of duty (letting prisoners break into/escape the prison repeatedly and not trying to stop the security breach that is the time loop).

HE ROLLED A 1 TO BAGELBY’S 20. FUCK.

Bagelby successfully deceived/intimidated the notoriously feared prison warden into not only giving up the location of the captured Lord Wiggles but also printing out an officially signed and sealed prisoner transfer approval notice.

With the prison warden sufficiently cowed (and my combat plans derailed), the party boarded another elevator down to the lower mining levels, and met the sleepy pirate elevator attendant, Cookie.

He is absolutely named after the character from “Atlantis: The Lost Empire”, and I will take no criticism on the matter.

Cookie is jacked af from cranking the freight elevator up and down by hand, and Lex is a little jealous of the bulging arm muscles he’s hiding under those baggy sleeves.

He hails from a suburb town outside the capital city of Iskall, Headuin, on the other side of the Gourman Sea, and became a sailor because he couldn’t afford to keep living on the mainland after his parents passed. He misses the sea, but he can’t sail anymore.

Bagelby, having rolled a 1 on perception, looking directly at a man with two peg legs: “Aww, why can’t you sail anymore?” Cookie: “Ye see, I gots me a nasty case of the vertigo round about twenty years ago. Ruined me balance and cost me me sea legs, it did.” Bagelby: Thiori: Cookie: Cookie: “Lost the flesh ones to that beast what prowls the bay here a few years before that, but that’s another story!”

Thiori jokingly suggested that he knew someone who could ‘fix that problem’, referencing Tasslour Krell and his mutant bio experiments, at the cost of terrible working conditions and routine agony.

Cookie: “Ah, chat’s a little more pain when ya got it chronically?”

Oh no, we gave Thiori another crisis. This is becoming a pattern.

The elevator left the party in sub-basement 8, and then returned up to a floor with no prisoners, leaving behind a series of failed perception rolls and Ra-Ra’s best attempt at ham-fisted meta exposition (there’s a pull rope off to the side that summons the elevator, so that it isn’t waiting if ever the prisoners escape).

A pair of guards approach the party from one of the active mining alcoves, demanding to know why they’re there, and are immediately apologetic and much more polite when Bagelby presents them with the Official Prisoner Transfer paperwork.

The fact that it’s Lord Wiggles getting ‘released’ caused someone up on the watchtower platforms to spit-take for dramatic effect. He has a…reputation among the pirates.

He is also buff, and Lex is jealous.

“Are you going to bang Bagelby’s dad?!”

Lord Wiggles, Problem Prisoner of the Year, very nearly caved one guard’s face in with his pickaxe when they came to release him, forcing Thiori to grapple him.

With a successful persuasion and deception roll, Thiori convinced Lord Wiggles that they were there to break him out and to play along.

The party managed to keep their cool long enough to re-summon the elevator (which came down in a hurry) and get back aboard, all with Bagelby picking the locks on Lord Wiggles’ manacles.

Lord Wiggles, staring hard at Bagelby: “You look familiar….have we met before?” Bagelby: “Yes. No. Sort of. I had a weird dream about you once. Not in THAT way though.”

As soon as Bagelby name-dropped Lord Featherton, Lord Wiggles became more cooperative and less suspicious.

Lord Featherton’s given name is ‘Pavo’.

Cookie is in a hurry to get the party back up out of the sub-basement, and takes then as high as the freight elevator goes. Itt turns out that he’s in on the time loop joke.

He warns Thiori to take the 4th elevator from the left ‘this time’.

With that advice in mind, Thiori carefully tested every 4th elevator in the main entry hall on that floor until he found one that didn’t creak, and then he, Bagelby, and Lord Wiggles boarded to begin ascending.

The elevator shafts are open on the sides, and you can see all the ropes and counterweights that keep the platforms from falling/rising uncontrollably.

Sir Carl and Lex were left behind with the Owlin, Rock Construct, Isstun and Ra-Ra to choose another elevator, but Master L.O.C.K.E. appeared at the end of the far hall, walking all slow and menacing, so they had to hurriedly choose one.

The Rock Construct was the last to board, but backed off when the platform started groaning under their weight.

They sighed in resignation, made a comment about ‘almost making it out this time’, and then ripped a sharp rocky piece off of their body.

Ra-Ra, frantically popping up from the back of the crowd: “Wait waIT WAIT! We tried that last time and it didn’t work!” Lex: "Last time??" Rock Construct: “At least I know which one not to cut now.”

They threw the sharp shard like a frisbee at one of the elevator ropes, and severed a counterweight which then sent the platform rocketing towards the top of the shaft…leaving the Rock Construct in the room below, with Master L.O.C.K.E. fast approaching.

Thiori and Bagelby were quickly caught up to got to see the rest of the party shoot past them in a big blur, screaming in terror and confusion.

The elevator hit the top of the shaft with enough force to shatter the platform and throw everyone out into the room, and not a single person stuck the landing (a shame, too, since Sir Carl’s sea legs meant he was the only person who didn’t fall prone when the weight was cut).

Horrified prison admin: “What did you DO to the elevator system?!” Sir Carl, calmly: “We made it faster.”

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

[pillow-anime-talk]

grr.

request: may i request akashi seijurou with reader who’s kinda possessive? & hi! can i request something a s/o with mello a little… possessive? thanks. 

# tags: heaedcanons; current relationships; possessive!reader; romance; light comedy; mention of swearing; rather sfw

includes: female reader ft. seijuurou akashi {knb} + mihael keehl {death note}

author’s note: hello, guys! i decided to write these two requests together ‘cause they are very similar. hope this is not a problem! love you all.

— SEIJUUROU

↘ Your humor is very often related to the feelings that accompany you when you’re with your boyfriend; you feel possessive and impulsive because at the same time you consider yourself insufficient for Seijuurou.

↘ Both of you come from two different worlds; he’s from a highly arranged family, he has maids, his father requires a lot of him, he’s talented in many areas, always has the best grades, incredibly athletic, damn handsome and very kind. 

↘ You, on the other hand, are just a normal, happy human who has just good grades, one passion, sport is not your whole world and you don’t consider yourself the most beautiful person in world (although your boyfriend thinks otherwise).

↘ I think you have a slightly distorted perception of yourself and what you’re really good at.

↘ So your behavior is caused by fear and you often show it in ways that others find very tactless and mean. You look at other people with nervous eyesight, stamp your foot, say something unpleasant about someone, you disturbing your lover’s conversation with another student, very often write to your partner and talk about how you are annoyed by people from class, at work, while shopping. 

↘ There are many things you should get rid of, and you know it, but it is very difficult for you.

↘ Your boyfriend talks to you a lot; he always assures you of his feelings and kisses you on the forehead to additionally show that you mean a lot to him. 

↘ You appreciate that he gets along with you, even if you offend his friends, team members or others who are close to him.

— MIHAEL

↘ The situation is different here; I think, Mello really enjoys seeing you in this version.

↘ He likes to observe your nervousness, your behavior changes, how you get angry and upset under your breath, he likes it when you look at his interlocutors or strangers with a dark gaze, how quietly, even silently, you curse at them and three generations ahead.

↘ Of course, Mihael talks to you a lot in the meantime, but these conversations don’tgive you much. You both have terribly difficult characters – you are possessive and jealous, he’s bloody mean, insensitive and it’s hard to change his mind because he likes to keep things under his own control.

↘ But you are a really good couple, even if you argue a lot and have quiet hours.

↘ I think your boyfriend just doesn’t know how to show you his feelings (he’s a bit dense, you know). Instead of buying you something sweet or cute, he just pokes you with his shoulder and sits down next to you to show you that he still loves you very much and wants to reconcile with you. It’s really fun and cute. 

↘ It’s the same with you, by the way. It’s hard for you to say anything; you prefer to show everything with gestures, even the small ones.

↘ Anyway, I think Mihael is a bit of a narcissist and just likes it when you give him your full attention. Your possessiveness is really motivating for him, because he thinks that when you are jealous of him, you’re also the most honest in your feelings.

↘ There may be some truth in that, because when you see your partner talking to someone for too long, you just like to walk up to them, give your boyfriend a long kiss and wink on him. 

↘ It just turns him on.

[asterekmess]

Do you think Peter is actually GLAD that he didn't bite Stiles or invite him into his growing pack? Could he sense how out-right dangerous Stiles was when he offered him the bite? Peter respects the hell out of Stiles, that's a fact, but if things had fallen differently, do you think he might have ended up fearing him more than any outside threat? Stiles not needing the Nogitsune to be Peter's personal Sword of Damocles.

Because if Peter had bitten Stiles, and as Stiles became wiser to the rules of everything going on around him, Peter would know that he was on ever shorter and shorter time limit before Stiles overthrew his little monarchy for himself - not because Stiles is greedy for power or anything, but because Stiles has a very... gray, loose sense of morality and sometimes Peter might get VERY CLOSE to stepping some invisible line, especially if it came to threatening or hurting people that Stiles felt protective of (including Derek).

I'm a Sterek-shipper, but I love the stories where there's a friendship or mutual respect between Stiles & Peter, mainly because I know how dangerous Peter is, and how utterly chaotic and mischievous Stiles is (and dangerous he could be).

I too love Peter and Stiles having a good understanding and respect for each other, since their characters are so similar. I'll admit though, I think that's where our perceptions diverge a lot. I've had to re-read this ask about five times, because I think your view of Stiles and Peter is just Incredibly different from mine, and it wasn't quite clicking. Lemme explain:

I don't see Stiles as dangerous? And I don't think he has a loose sense of morality. I just think it's anchored to things that aren’t Law and Altruism. His concept of morality Is grey, but it's built around a simple concept of protecting those he loves/cares about, which I think we both agree on. That’s honestly a very reasonable morality system to have in this world they live in, where laws and government can’t Help them with their problems. They can’t rely on Goodness to get them through things. Sometimes the choice is between something Terrible and something out of your Nightmares. Sometimes you can’t be good, and Stiles doesn’t try to. He focuses on keeping his people safe, because goodness comes second to family. I do think that if someone he cared about was threatened, Stiles could Become dangerous to do something about it. Hell, that's canon. He lit a man on fire in season 1, both because he knew it would protect countless citizens, and because it would protect Scott, Scott’s mom, and Lydia. But in general, he isn't dangerous. Not because he couldn't be, but because he has no need to? Stiles loves lacrosse and research and solving mysteries and videogames and reading and Star Wars. He likes mother-henning his dad's diet and bantering with people as sarcastic as him. He wouldn’t go darkside without Reason. He doesn't want to. I think what you see as danger, I just see as potential. Stiles has So much potential to do literally anything, if given the right push. But without that push...Basically what I’m saying is there’s no reason for anyone to fear him, unless they’re doing something to harm the circle of people he cares about. And that’s not likely to happen with Peter, because the one person that might be in danger there is Derek, whom I don’t think Peter would ever harm, since Derek is ALSO in Peter’s circle. And Peter, I also don't see as dangerous, at least, not the same way I think you see him. Like I said, their characters are Incredibly similar. We're talking Perfect Parallels, in some cases. Peter and Stiles both have morality systems built entirely around protecting their own. Peter Can be dangerous, and has been Shown to be dangerous, but only when he’s trying to protect himself and his people. The canon often, if not constantly, tries to tell us that Peter is evil, and he'd sell his nephew out in a heartbeat, but the actual things we see in canon do Not match that. - Peter kidnapped Stiles in season 1 because Derek was missing and he'd apparently been Unable to find him himself. He was desperate enough to find his nephew that he grabbed the smartest human he could (the son of the Sheriff) and shoved at his pressure point (lydia) without even Asking first, because he wasn't willing to waste time being polite. And because he had ulterior motives with biting Lydia (resurrection), but that wasn't even hinted at in canon, so I'm dismissing it for now. - He went to hunt his nephew down even though it would mean facing off with the hunters by himself, with Derek likely too injured to be of much help (and he was) and prevented Stiles from following him. One could argue that he knew Stiles would try to attack him after what happened to Lydia, and recognized him as a real danger worth neutralizing, but it also meant he Protected Stiles by stopping him from going to the show-down where hunters would inevitably be shooting anyone they saw head for Derek. And he knew Stiles would head for Derek. - Then there was the mere fact that he Stayed In town when he came back from the dead, even though he was weakened as hell and Derek had Already killed him once. He stayed, and he helped his nephew. And then he spent four months hanging around seemingly helping Derek find Erica and Boyd, without ever turning on Derek? - And his scenes with Cora, holding her hand as they run and staying with her in the hospital. Facing off with Ennis to protect her even though he knew he wasn't at full strength yet? There was no personal benefit to that. - Even what he did to convince Derek to give up his spark. It gets framed like this cheat or lie, but The Alphas were after Derek's SPARK. If Peter could convince Derek to give it up (only possibly, since he admitted he didn't know for sure) to help Cora, then they wouldn't have a REASON to go after Derek anymore. He was Protecting Both of his niblings. (niece and nephew) - He goes with Derek to South America and he is Strung up right fucking next to him when the Calaveras grab him, which implies he didn’t cut and run at the first sign of danger. The list goes on and On and ON. Derek's not in danger from Peter, in my opinion, no matter what the show claims. XD

And as to the starting point of Peter beating Derek to a pulp, yes, he did harm his nephew, but in this situation, Peter genuinely thought he was protecting Derek as well. He was trying to kill the people who set the fire. He Knew everyone who was involved, and he KNEW about KATE. In his mind, his behavior was unfortunate but it had to happen even if it meant hurting Derek a little now. IN the long run, he would be protecting him by killing the bitch who assaulted his nephew.

On the topic of Peter biting Stiles. This seems to actually be another example of him providing/helping Derek, even after death. Let’s go back to that resurrection thing. In order to set up what he did to Lydia, Peter would have to know he was going to die. or at least be relatively sure. If that shit were easy, people would be resurrected all the time, and Peter wouldn’t put in the effort if he didn’t think it was necessary. If he died by a hunter's hand, Derek would become Alpha, since it seems to run through the bloodlines to the nearest one. At least as far as he knew, since he didn’t know Malia existed and they never establish if werecoyotes even Have Alphas, so even THEN it might’ve gone to Derek. And if he died by Derek's hand, again, Derek would be Alpha. So why offer to bite Stiles in the first place? It's not like Stiles would be able to help him. Peter expected to die, and even if Stiles survived the bite, he wouldn't have shifted soon enough to be of any use, and he wouldn't have enough control to help either. Why bite Stiles, when Peter knew he was going to die soon and that Derek would be taking over? Could it have anything to do with the fact that he knew Stiles was already helping Derek before now? That Derek was protective of Stiles in the LTC facility? Werewolves people. Derek was wearing Stiles’ CLOTHES when they went to see Peter. Peter tells Stiles in the garage that wolves need pack, and by now he seems to have figured out that Scott is NOT that pack. But Stiles is. Did he pick Stiles for Derek? To give Derek a real pack member after he was gone? Hell, even if Peter Did bite Stiles, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome of that night. Peter would die, and Stiles Would have ended up Derek’s pack, if Scott couldn’t figure out how to make him stay packless until he became an Alpha himself. There’s no monarchy or Alpha Peter to overthrow. Derek was always going to be the Alpha, and Stiles was always going to be on Derek’s side.

It just so happens that Peter is Also on Derek’s side, which means that they make awesome allies, just like in S3. They have the same priorities, and they know each other and respect each other enough not to step on the others’ toes. But, your main question was whether I thought Peter would be glad that he didn’t give Stiles the bite. Honestly, I think he is, but not for any of those reasons. I think he’s glad because of Paige. At the time he offered the bite, and just after, teenagers were getting bites like it was candy, and thankfully they all survived, even if Jackson had a bad reaction to his. But when Peter comes back, he comes back seemingly...intact. He talks about his past, he has reason and control. And he tells Stiles the story of Paige, the human that challenged Derek, that stood toe-to-toe just like Stiles does. The show gives us a near Perfect Match to Stiles in physical features and wit and sarcasm and Curiosity and acceptance of the supernatural. Remember, Paige figures out Derek’s a werewolf, and she doesn’t even bother bringing it UP, she’s so okay with it. There’s no fucking way that Peter doesn’t see that parallel with Stiles. And while Paige and Stiles are in no way related, I don’t think he would be able to forget how she died. I think that he would be glad he didn’t bite Stiles, because now that he can Think Clearly, he’d never offer it to him in the first place, just in case Stiles was like Paige. He respects Stiles. He likes Stiles. He would not consider the bite worth the risk, when he knows Stiles is just as useful and integral to the Beacon Hills dynamic, while human. I think Peter’s just grateful that past him didn’t accidentally fuck all of that up by trying to give Stiles the bite anyway.