#also when im not feeling like shit/not having things I need to be socially presentable to do im gunna start recording again cuz

[tothesolarium]

It’s my story and I can- put fairy lords in it if I want to

[lowkeyremi]

That's my man atsumu x fem!reader

notes: I needed to write smthing for my baby's birthday. fwb tsumu does smthing to a me (it'll end up with getting together bc im silly like that), the samu ver is here

Content: slight language, slightly suggestive, fluff

He smiled at her with those sex eyes of his. Yes, he's giving them to her and not you. Atsumu makes everything so hot and cold, it's hard to tell with him.

She giggles and he laughs too, entertaining her for some pussy. The 'why' is something you will never understand, not when you've had that man down on his knees, eating you out like he was on death row and you were his last meal.

Your hope is that both of their stupid asses feel your heated glare towards them. They don't notice it though, mainly because you're best friend pulls you out of your thoughts.

"The sooner you get over him the sooner my life becomes easier." Your best friend jokes. Their attempts at lightening your mood are ineffective. How could you be in a better mood when the man of your dreams only wants sex from you? You want him, badly, but he doesn't want you.

This was something you were aware of before sleeping with him. Yet, you took it lightly, and now here you are, pouting over him being with another girl.

"I know, it's just-"

They cut you off, "'it's different between us, he treats me better than his other fucks.' I've already heard the whole shebang." Your friend rolls their eyes with a quick smirk.

"He's a college frat boy, there's no way he was serious if he said something in bed. It was probably to set the mood." You know they're right, you're just being delusional. You want your relationship to be something it's not.

The rest of your day was pretty foul. Just as you thought it couldn't get worse it did. You had to present your presentation, because your partner who was supposed to do it has covid, and your other partner is so bad with public speaking that she freezes up.

Your favorite coffee is the only thing that brings you some joy to your day. You're seated in your favorite booth at your favorite cafe. You take small sips and check your social media feed. It's then when you hear your name being called out.

You don't bother to turn to look because you know who it is. He sits at your booth, unaware of the anger you feel currently.

"Don't you have someone's pussy to be buried into?" You ask with venom.

Atsumu gives you that cute little chuckle, you hate it so much right now. It feels like a tear to your pride.

"Only if it's yers." He suggests with a smirk.

"I'm really not in the mood right now Atsumu, why don't you go entertain that girl from bio." Shit, know he'll know and tease you. He'll probably cut things off with you and-

"Oh her? I was just tryin' to get her to do my presentation, but she turned me down." He says casually. This is probably the only time you'll be thankful for Atsumu's obliviousness.

"I could have helped you with it." He knows you're smart, and he would have asked you...

"There was no way I woulda asked ya. You always make me do the work, and only give me commentary on my work." He says sighing. You watch as he places those big rough hands of his under his chin.

He's so pretty, volleyball has not failed him once. Even though some of your friends hate his hair; you think it's cute.

Those eyes, so pretty and brown draw you in to him. Also his muscles are just right, he's not too buff but he's also not thin to the point you can't see anything.

"Yeah, it's called improving. I really hope you didn't think you'd get through college with a pretty face and money. College isn't just one big party. At least not for me." You lecture and Atsumu listens, he always listens.

"For starters I do my work now, I ain't slept with a teacher since freshman year which was almost two years ago. Thank you very much." He replies to the shade you send his way.

"Anyway, what is it that you wanted?" You ask with a sigh.

"I wanted to check up on ya s'all. My cupcake seemed a lil' outta it today." Fuck his perceptiveness.

"Just tired is all." Atsumu's eyes narrow at your response. Why'd you think you could lie to one of the biggest liars you know?

"The way ya were acting today wasn't as much 'oh gee im tired' but more like 'my sweetie pie tsumu-bear hasn't been paying me any attention.'"

"If you knew, then why where you trying to force it out of me?" You roll your eyes and look back to your phone as to avoid his gaze and your embarrassment.

"I just wanted to hear ya say it because yer so cute." Atsumu is going to be the death of you. He annoys you to no end.

"Just so ya know, I ain't been sleepin' with anyone besides you, sweetheart."

"How do I know you aren't a big fat liar?" The way he smiles when you hiss at him has your heart melting. Why? Why you?

"I'd be an idiot to sleep with someone else when I got the most beautiful girl in my bed all the time." It's so sweet and sincere, his voice is honest you can tell. It feels like a weight has been lifted off your chest, and that Atsumu shaped hole in your heart is slowly being filled.

"Yeah? What're you trying to say, Tsumu?" You peek up from your phone screen to look at his dark eyes. It catches you off guard slightly, the way he looks at you, like you put the stars in the damn sky.

"I knew ya were kinda clueless but this is something else. I want ya to be my girl."He clarifies and you stop breathing for a second. When you'd fantasize about this you'd never thought his confession would be calm. Atsumu is loud and obnoxious, so this quiet, calmness has caught you off guard.

"Is that a question or a demand?" You ask.

"Not a question, m'already confident in ya wanting me." He's prideful and sometimes it sucks but right now.. it's so hot.

"Okay then, I'm yours." You whisper quietly trying to grasp what you've just said.

"Good, best decision you'll ever make, cupcake." Cockiness is laced in his tone and you roll your eyes.

"I said to stop calling me that," You finally drop your gaze back to your phone, but you aren't even paying attention to the dimly-lit screen. Your brain is exploding right now.

"You're my man now." It finally registers.

"Sure am."

[burn-before-reading]

Love in the Time of Socialism

joost klein x artist!reader

art, mush, and ramblings about life

warnings: depression (ish), burnout, reader character in some vague mental health funk

word count: 2k

a/n: slight prequel to blue is the colour of your eyes but can be read as stand alone. just same artist reader. vaguely romantic but just ramblings and getting feelings out haha. started this when I was in more of a bad mental state (lol) but im fine now so it got kinda tame by the end of it. still not proofreading anything

title from the song Love in the Time of Socialism by Yellow House

Rpf below the cut—

Normally Joost has to call you because its the only way you will actually look at your phone. Its more often that not you find yourself fixated on planning out your next project, and your friends have to force you back into reality. There was that one time no one had heard from you in over a week and thought you were dead, when you were just working. You hadn’t realized how many texts you missed and apologized for scaring your friends half to death. Especially Joost.

So now you leave your ringer on, and now they call.

Tonight, however, Joost calls and you aren’t in your studio. You are in your bed, where you have been for the entire day. and also most of yesterday. There isn’t a reason in your head specifically why this has happened. you MEANT to get up. Theres a list of chores and things to do just sitting on your desk, but you woke up late, so now nothing will get done. At some point it just became too stressful to even get up and look at it. You roll over and stare at the contact picture of him, smiling with some dumb fish eye lens he thought was funny. You debate not picking up at all.

But you can’t ignore him.

“Hi Joost.” your voice came through the phone more hoarse than intended when you answered, you don’t remember the last time you talked to someone. “Whats going on?”

“the others wanted to go out for drinks tonight, you hadn’t responded so I wanted to check you were joining us.” You could imagine him rocking back and forth on his heels in the middle of his living room while he talked, it was either that or pacing around.

“uhh..” Drinks at a bar was the last thing on your mind. In any other situation you would have loved to be around your friends, but right now you just needed to avoided as much as possible. “Not a good night, tonight. Sorry, I’ll have to join you guys next time.”

Joost felt like something was off, you sounded tired. “Is everything okay?”

“I’ll be fine I just… shit brain day. bad brain thats all. It happens.” You did your best to summarize how you felt without actually admitting anything, you weren’t sure how to explain anything anyway.

“ Oh Im sorry, would it be good, if I came over? I can keep you company, if thats okay?”

“you don’t have to, I’ll be fine tomorrow. I want you to have fun. ” you insisted, but he pressed on.

“I don’t mind, the group would understand. Have you eaten today?”

“Like… a meal? yes, or well, no. I had a soda..” You glance at the half drunk soda from the night before, now flat. “and uhhh..”

“I’ll pick something up.” You could hear him on the other end gathering things together, keys, wallet, probably his ipad.

“.. thank you. I’ll see you in a bit, I guess.”

-

Joost knocked on your door about an hour later. In that time you were able to get out of bed and make your way to the bathroom to change and make yourself somewhat presentable in front of a guest, and to the kitchen to make coffee despite it being 8pm.

You opened it to see Joost with a sheepish smile as he extends his arms out for a hug. “Hi.”

“Hi Joost.” you take the step to hug him, feeling his body heat contrast with the cold nighttime. “I’m glad you’re here.” the two of you head inside to your living room where he empties his bag of take out to reveal a couple different thai dishes and egg rolls. It was hard to not admit you weren’t at least a little bit hungry.

The two of you ate in mostly silence, making small talk about different projects you two have going on, or the fact that the two of you were in between projects. He done with touring for the time being and in the process of working on a new album. You loosely avoiding talking about any current work plans but mentioned one or two paintings you finished for a private gallery commission last month.

“ Just some paintings of animals and nature-ish symbolism. Honestly my heart wasn’t really in that one, but it payed the rent so.” you shrug and shove noodles into your mouth.

“Well now you have the time to work on your own stuff, right?” he commented, leaning back into your couch and looking down at you sitting on the floor instead of any of your own furniture. “Draw whatever your heart desires.”

“I mean I guess.. Im just glad to be done with the oil paints for now. I swear i think I was gonna die in my studio from all the chemicals. I dunno, I finished that whole project last month, I haven’t really been very productive since then.” you trail off and Joost gets a concerned expression on his face.

He sinks down from his spot of the couch to join you in the floor. The fluffy rug brushing against his legs as he adjusts his new sitting position.

“Its okay to take a break, you know.”

“I know I know, I just get frustrated. I never seem to have my energy directed towards the right thing. Whenever I have all those big projects from other contractors, I can brainstorm and think of all these interesting ideas I wanna work on, but I can’t because then I would get behind on the art Im being paid to do.”

“mhm.” he nods, to indicate he’s following along.

“ And then whenever Im done with those projects, I just get… tired. and my focus is gone. and Everything just feels…” you gesture the last bit with your hands, scrambling your fingers, to imply your thoughts. You aren’t looking at him, but you can still see him nodding in your peripherals. Joost always seemed to understand your thinking and explanations to things, even if you thought they were messy.

“Do you want to try painting right now?” he asks. you just shrug your shoulders.

“I don’t know what I would paint.”

“You can paint our dinner, or, or yourself, or your plants maybe?” he suggested and stands up. “Can I paint too?”

“Oh we’re actually doing this?” Not that you didn’t want to, but this self doubt had creeped into your mind again. That failing to produce something decent would prove that you’ve lost all your talent, your skill.

“yea we can have a little painting party!” he chimed, but he hesitated walking over to your studio to grab stuff, still giving you the space to reject his idea.

you looked away and started nervously tapping your fork against the table.

tap tap tap tap

“…sure. We can use my watercolors, Ive been wanting to use them more often anyway.”

the coffee table became a little more cluttered as you set up the paints for the two of you. Joost using an old set 24 pans and you using a newer set of watercolor tubes you were gifted last year and never opened. You watched as Joost immediately dipped his brush in water and started activating the blue paints, spreading it onto his paper in big random strokes.

“what are you painting?”

“not sure yet, maybe im painting you.” he looks up and smirks. you scrunch your nose up.

“why are you using so much blue. am I a smurf?” you joke and he just shrugs and points to your own paper.

“Just mess around, can’t be any worse than what im doing.”

tap tap tap tap tap tap

you fidget with your own brush for a few seconds lo get before grabbing a big mop brush and wetting your paper with clean water. Taking your smaller brush again, you pour out a small amount of yellow and mix it up with some more water. You hesitate for a moment longer before letting the brush lightly touch the surface, creating a burst of colour on the paper as the colour seeps onto the page. You make a few more random marks before switching to another warm colour and repeating the process, now watching the colours bleeds and mix into each other. You look at Joost paper and see that he is actually now trying to paint you, the blue fortunately was able to be mostly contained to the background.

“Do you ever think about what you would do if you weren’t a musician?” you ask.

“I dunno I think after this I could have a pretty successful art career.” he teases but sees in your face the question is more serious. “I don’t know. I started off with youtube, but if I wasn’t doing that… its hard to think about what my life would be like if I didn’t follow this path.”

“I always have this feeling deep down, that I made a wrong choice somewhere along the line. I was thinking about going to school for psychology, I also wanted to work with animals at one point, be a vet. I enjoy art, don’t get me wrong, but I just worry that in making it my job Ive just drained all the passion I had for it.”

You let the paper dry before staining the page with lines of dark burgundy, creating hands and a human heart. he hums as he listens, not adding anything, but simply letting you vent. beginning to piece together your mood from earlier. “I don’t have any jobs lined up right now, which is what Ive been waiting for, to work on my own stuff, yknow? I haven’t had the time ive wanted to make something for myself for a while. But now I just feel, I feel like ive been frozen.”

“things seem to be okay right now. I like what youve made. ” you look down and see the scribbles youve made with your paint. hands clasped over a broken heart. you shrug and smile softly, signing the bottom.

“Just a scribble, you can have it if you want.” You hand the paper over to him. “thank you for coming by, its… its nice being around you. Helps a bit.”

Joost takes the paper and studies it for a second. “I really like it, maybe I should come by more often.”

“If you bring the food we can have art nights whenever you want.” he holds up his paper. The blue bleeding into your skintone and hair since he didn’t wait for anything to properly dry. “I might stick to my ipad though, I don’t know why you like this paint.” he scrunches his nose at it. you laugh and it makes him smile.

You notice for the first time how bright his eyes look when he smiles, but you brush the thought away.

-

“Feeling a bit better?” he asks as he lingers by the door on his way out.

“a bit. like I said It was just a mood, I was gonna be fine tomorrow most likely… I still appreciate you coming over.”

“Don’t ever be afraid to call or text okay? Im always here to talk if you need. or just to listen.”

“definitely. Ive been meaning to uh, talk to someone about all this stuff anyway, you’re not a professional but ill keep it in mind.”

he grins and goes in for one last hug. you feel him slightly squeeze you and linger a little longer than usual before letting go. With one last glance he waves and head off. You see him pull out a cigarette for the walk back. It takes you a second to close the door. standing there watching him walk off until he turns a corner and disappears. Closing the door you sigh and go the clean up your living room.

You notice he left the portrait he drew of you. signed at the bottom with a smiley face next to his name.

It gets hung up in your studio above your desk.

[meeks-just-wants-to-scroll]

I KINDA HAD THE SAME IDEA with the low honor high honor thing! Im currently figuring exactly in what way the story would change [granted it does involve one of my ocs so maybe a lot more than it should] but its fun to think in what way Micah would be 'better' or more loyal to the gang

I feel like he'd still pick fights in camp, but like in a way older siblings would. Its more teasing/bullying and shit instead of straight up slurs. Idk, might just be me NNXJXJC

I also think he wouldn't go out of his way to help someone if they asked him to, but he'd watch them continue to struggle with mayne like a gun to the point where he like has to get up and be like 'OKAY you are so pathetically shit at this - im going to show you how to do this and we're not taking a break until you shoot 3 targets in a row' or something

I dont think he'd willingly be vulnerable anytime soon based on his upbringing and shit, but iiii like to think it happens sometimes accidentally idk JXJXJC

Weep weep weep this is making me wanna explore what RDR2 would be like if Micah was a marginally better person (mainly what id he never ratted).

i am glad we have converging ideas when it comes to high honor micah! I’ve talked with mutuals before on wtf micah could do that could be considered high honor, and we came up with little. One idea i suggested is that he accidentally saved people)s lives through his own selfishness (ex: saves someone from rabid dog because “if i didnt kill it, it would have gone for me next.”)

Micah's high honor is selfish in a unique way compared to low honor. Instead of focusing on himself and his survival, it more becomes a common goal to keep the gang as a whole surviving. He is no hunter, but he can bring in money and be a daaaaaamn good shot. Guard duties are often reserved for Lenny and Sean and Charles and whoever else is free. Micah *can* go on guard duty but keeps himself out of that tiresome job by being out of camp and bringing in money. “Sorry, can’t got on guard duty, I just got back from a stage coach robbery and I want to enjoy my well deserved relaxation.”

he is still a snarky sounding piece of shit, but like you said, he is less of a full on hateful man. He is still a sly, observing snake and studies the flaws of his gang mates, but he keeps his fangs sheethed. The idea with the snake animal for high honor is that Micah is still as lethal and capable of assholery as he is in bad honor, he is just deciding to not. He holds his venom to be inflicted on those who the gang need (or want) dead. He also leans into the snake vibes by being a slimy slithering manipulator. He isn’t a charmer, but he has a skill for talking people long enough to get plans into action (or to just backstab the enemy).

i feel like Morgan would still dislike Micah for being a man with bad vibes. Morgan is also just a hater sometimes (look at how he perceives Kieran). Micah still murders and has bad plans like Blackwater so it’s not like Arthur has *no* reason to distrust Micah.

i imagine high honor micah makes an effort on occasion to be involved in camp socializing, Sean and Jack’s return for example. He mainly drinks and flirts with the girls and boys at the event.

and because i like the red vs blue honor color association of the game, Micah’s design would be a little different, making the blue in his design a little more present. A neckerchief is an example of blue, but i am sure more blue could be worked into his design somewhere. Idea is that the ratio of red to blue in character’s designs can allude to how honorable they are (though it is not a 1:1 visualization). I imagine Micah would be 1:3 blue to red. Maayyybe. One quarter an okay man, three quarters a pretty sleazy man.

micah is still deeply troubled soooo no sweetie pie vulnerability for him! At most he tries to flirt (like asking Mary-Beth to dance) and the people are 1-2% more polite about turning him down when he’s high honor. He’s still all alone and his prickly exterior deeps people at arms length from him. He is both deeply dependent on attaching himself to a gang/someone to follow (my hc), but he also aspires to be independent and run his own gang. I suppose in high honor, he hopes to earnestly stick with the VDL gang and rise in the ranks by impressing Dutch (because Dutch is kind of an easy man to impress when you bootlick).

[tobyislame]

Hello! I was just recently having some pretty serious Toby brain a few days ago (my brain switches from one killer man to another these days) and I think it's coming back so I wanted to request Toby with an s/o who is very awkward and clingy? Like they don't know how talk to the other proxies or anything so they just mostly stick to Toby since that's the only person they know. Hugging his arm, holding onto his shoulder to not get lost in a crowd, stuff like that.

Not that they never talk to people, they do, it's just when they do they have absolutely no idea what they're doing in a social climate and are very aware of it. That kind of awkward.

If that's too specific you don't have to do it! I just like The Guy.

toby rogers x awkward s/o

thank u so much for the request friend!!!! the more specific the better honestly it gives me more to work with!! this ones easy bcus im the exact same type of awkward

- he completely gets it. he doesn't question it when you sink into yourself in the face of any social environment, doesn't question it when you cling to his side on any excursion, doesn't question it when you hold his hand just a little tighter in the presence of others - he squeezes right back, like his own little way of saying "it's alright, i'm here, i've got you". he knows that he's your person, that he's the only one that can make it better in those moments, and he's alright with having that dependence on his shoulders. anything you need.

- he's incredibly protective over you. your social ineptitude makes you an easy target - he knows by the way some of the others talk about you when you aren't around, knows by the way they talk when they think he's not listening - so he leads you around like a guard dog, acting as a defensive barrier between you and everything else, baring his teeth at any notion of hostility. god help anyone who thinks they can give you shit. he's just so afraid of something happening to you... if he's always there, then nothing will. the two of you are hardly ever apart. he makes sure of it.

- he knows you gravitate toward the background, but he also hates to see you all by yourself. he's aware that it's not that you don't want to talk to people, it's just that you can't, so he tries to help by taking you by the hand and acting as a sort of buffer between you and others. he figures you'd rather feel included than ignored. if he notices you start to trip over yourself - he's very in tune with you, can tell when your heartbeat starts to get all uneasy, can tell when your body begins to flush with embarrassment - he tries to distract you from it in little subtle ways, like gently doing The Thumb Thing or redirecting the conversation elsewhere to allow you a moment to collect yourself. it's all worth it to see you with a smile on your face rather than overshadowed in the corner of the room.

- the two of you are ALWAYS all over each other. pda up to the fucking nines dude. physical touch is absolutely his love language - that, and he's learned that touch helps keep you grounded, helps keep you present, helps you from getting too deep in your own head. he'll guide you around with a hand on your shoulder or the back of your neck, he'll sit with you shoulder-to-shoulder no matter where you are, he'll rub your back while he's talking to someone to show that, while his eyes are somewhere else, his attention is never off you. he isn't afraid to show his affection for you in front of others. in fact, he asserts it. uses it as a sort of warning. while he's got you caged in his arms from behind, he's staring them down with a knowing sort of glint in his eye, something that says "watch yourself, motherfucker". he gets treated like a joke a lot of the time, but when it comes to you, everyone just knows not to fuck with him.

- when you start to get all in your head about the way you act, the things you say, the way you're perceived - "why am i like this, i don't want to be this way anymore, why can't i just talk, why can everyone else do it but i can't, they all look at me like i'm stupid" - he's right there to pull you out of it. he'll take your face between his hands and shush you, make it so that the only two things in the world right now are you and him, nobody else - "they don't matter, there's only us, don't worry about them, you've felt like this before, you always end up okay, because i'm here" - words meant to reframe your thoughts, words meant to make it better. he's so close to helping you in a way that's healthy, he's so fucking close, but... as is par for the course with everything he touches, it's been spoiled with his compelling starvation for approval, spoiled with his honest-to-god, in every sense of the word, fear of being abandoned. again.

[prettyboykatsuki]

pls read me for filth bestie: intj eldest daughter 🤓

ahhh. fellow intj. this one might be mean sorry. once again i am working on assumptions so disclaimer yadda yadda

intjs are usually known for being cold, calculated and intelligent as a result of introverted intution which is shared with your fellow NJ pairs and for the most part this stereotype is true. most intjs are gifted in early childhood and do well academically with good insight for pattern recognition. youve probably one point felt yourself to be better than your peers

the two way consequence of this being true is that you definitely have semi abysmal social skills. intj women(or just generally speaking fem presenting intjs) tend to make-up for this by capitalizing on their physical appearance in their later years if possible. intj men tend to be mildly insufferable because behaving that way is accepted as masculine and tolerable. this lack of understanding in relation to socialization comes two fold from your last function being extroverted sensing and your third function being introverted feeling.

like most introverted feelers you take things incredibly personal which wreaks havoc in your relationships. as you grow older and experience more things (and more trauma) your sense of basic sympathy allows you to overlook the things that you used to bother you day-to-day but you do have to actively realize that not everything that happens to you is a personal matter. in fact most things are not and your paranoia that they are worsens greatly under stress. a lot of shit has genuinely nothing to do with you

intjs are interesting in that they do actually get along with several types of people and tend to fall in the camp of open minded. you have a tendency to make quick judgements about people and you're rarely wrong on your first impressions but you sometimes allow them to cloud your judgement. you don't prefer leadership roles but you will handle them well when they are forced upon you which they often are as a result of you being technically competent and talented at compartmentalizing. how are u dealing with that one haunting impulsive decision you made btw

most often intjs get in relationships they can hide behind in some way. extroverts are ideal for this but it's mostly anyone who can comfortably shield them away from public scrutiny as they pressure of being around others is rather annoying to you though im sure you do fine. you've developed some specific culturally relevant social skills to keep you afloat but you need to recuperate more oftne than you care to admit.

you probably similarly had a phase of total hedonism in your late teens and young adulthood in a way that wasn't obvious to everyone else as you discovered your extroverted sensing and the concept of sensuality.

you have inadvertently developed a desire for validation of something you can't actually recognize. intjs are typically well accomplished in some aspect, but the validation you're seeking is actually entirely emotional and you will benefit a lot from realizing this. your ideal relationship is not someone who will simply shield you, but will allow you to be yourself and push you in areas you need pushing while fully understanding who you are and not who you are very good at pretending to be.

its fine to admit some parts of you are sloppy, irritable and irrational. the extremity you treat his part of yourself with is overblown in the first place and being around emotionally in tune people makes you self aware of this.

you date people you assume you'll have emotional control over and years later understand doing that is also exhausting you. the cycle will repeat until you can find someone who can view you with sincerity and all your flaws and acknowledge them without stepping on your toes about them all the type.

you can pretend that happy-go-lucky people exhaust you all you want but having at least SOME to balance you out is literally important to your nervous system. if dating a dumb himbo and the false sense of emotional security he gives you is what fixes you let it happen its fine no one else will be able to tell but them.

despite all of this, ultimately no one is harder on you than yourself which is why many people in your life forgive you for things most others would not. your expectations for your accomplishments as a result of your talents and somewhat your ambition suffocate you but your health is more important and it's fine to put those thoughts to rest eventually. not everything needs to happen at once for you

try not to let your perfectionism completely disconnect you from the one artistic hobby you have and work hard at that - it contributes more to your sanity than u will ever give it credit for and it is that deep. u can't pretend its not lol

it will be fine btw

[palmviolet]

how to cope with moving to another town for the first time?

im gonna be getting my master's but for that i need to move and it feels scary as hell

i am so late to answering this, so if you've already moved, then congrats, and i hope it went well! if not, right this way...

i've been in my new place about a month now and it's honestly been amazing. but i can say that because it now feels amazing in sort of hindsight? in that i had my ups and downs the first few days, stressed about my decision-making, missed the countryside etc. it happens. now it feels amazing. trust that you'll get to that point. and the things to keep telling yourself when these feelings creep in:

just sit with this feeling. it's okay to feel bad things. (something i'm working on lol i'm very much a 'everything is fine' person. sometimes it's not fine. and that's fine.)

life's about experiences. some of those experiences are stressful and bad. now you've moved you probably have a lot more shit to think about and a lot of shit to do literally all the time. maybe you'll be on tumblr less and going outside more — which is a dreadful prospect when you're thinking about it, but when you're doing it, you'll probably be doing it because you want to. which is one of the hardest things to accept about growing as a person, that our wants and fears will change. unfortunately, moving does change you. so–

main character syndrome it. make four moving playlists and a moodboard for your new room, sit there with your decorations and candles and the music blasting and pretend it's the opening scene to a movie. romanticise the hell out of it because you're growing into a new phase of life, you're going to meet new people, you're going to try new things — it's exciting. maybe tomorrow you'll try the food that will be your favourite for the next ten years. maybe you'll discover a new song to soundtrack your year. maybe you'll fall in love. world is your oyster etc etc

time might run linearly, but life sure as hell does not. you can always say fuck it and try something different. this is another thing that's comforting — that you're an adult, and you can genuinely do what you want. you hate your masters, hate your new town, hate the move? (circumstances permitting) move back! and if you can't move back, look at your life and see what you can change. maybe you can't quit your job but you can start saving to move away from your shitty roommate. you can delete instagram because watching 57 reels every morning makes you depressed and you can find a new place to study that isn't your own kitchen table, like that historic library around the corner you didn't even know was there. you can go to that social event alone and make a new best friend, or just a familiar face to smile at on the street. you can live.

the world is full of choices and that's terrifying but also so very very liberating. social pressure loves to convince us there's a linear narrative our lives should follow — a highly normative, conservative vision of nuclear success, watered-down but still very much present in liberal ideology — and it's simply not fucking true. go wild and follow your dreams and remember that nothing is permanent, very little is irreversible, and you can do what you want. so do what you want.

[taptrial2]

I don't know if you've explained it before (im a relatively new follower), but may I ask why you don't like agit?

okay, just for you im gonna reread it and bitch about everything that comes up that i hate. fair warning this ended up like 1000 words at LEAST. i have a lot of thoughts about agit.

EDIT: put it in google docs for a word count, its 2000 words. this is an essay

"uh yeah thats me youre probably wondering how i got into this situation.."

tucker as an influencer pisses me off so bad. tucker is a TECH geek. he likes tinkering with hardware and software. he is proud of those things. yes, he does hunger for money, but he doesn't go about it by trying to climb the social ladder, which is inherently what "influencing" is about. i don't think he'd want an audience, he's too busy coding mario 64 from scratch in his free time. he never shows serious interest in climbing the social ladder. why would he be a social media nut. i hate it.

on that note i strongly dislike the "modernization" in agit. the comic is supposed to take place very shortly after phantom planet, and suddenly everyone has iphones now. vlad's old beige whale computer is made fun of, is a punchline. a huge part of danny phantom for me that i genuinely love is the 2000s-ness of it all, the PDAs and mp3 players. it's a shame to see all that stuff go, especially when you're keeping the characters and timeline otherwise the same. it feels jarring.

i have a lot of problems with the timeline in agit, actually. we'll get there when we get there

AH yeah, the reality jumps or whatever. i keep forgetting about them because they're so nothing. so much of agit feels like padding and the cowboy cutaway + aztec cutaway feel just like that: cutaways. all the time jumps are filler and a waste of time. very little is accomplished narratively, and they eat up far too much page space. the little narrative value they do have could have been given in a quarter of the amount of pages they actually take up.

ALSO omg this is just a nitpick but sometimes pages and pages go by without proper backgrounds, just characters on solid color background fills. it makes the whole thing feel cheap and the characters feel like they're talking to each other in the void instead of a Place. once you take notice of it you can't unsee it. what backgrounds ARE present are painfully simplistic and feel claustrophobic, they feel like they have no depth or width and are trapped in the panels.

i liked vlad's appearance at first, and he does have some family guy funny moments but i hate how he's handled overall. we'll get to it

dan fusing with clockwork is pretty sick though. that's pretty cool i like that. it's neat

sam and tucker are already pretty nothing in the show, but they're even more nothing in agit, ESPECIALLY sam. they feel almost interchangeable. sam has had all of her rough edges sanded away. she needs to be Cool and Likeable so they just made her completely bland. there is no friction to be had between friends, they don't bicker, they just go YOOO at each other and have no other real chemistry. the whole time she's just cardboard.

CINEMASINS DING the first time danny puts the specter deflector on vlad in the show it does NOT depower him completely and he can push through it for an impressively long time, but in agit he's instantly de-ghosted. DING. im just biased because i hate this shit but still

OH MY GOD. OKAY. I JUST GOT TO A PART THAT PISSES ME OFF SO BAD OK SO sam asks vlad how many countries he could have fed to build his stupid secret football field lair (said affectionately) and he says "thirteen. i am who i am." I AM WHO I AM. THAT'S A SPECIAL TOOL THAT WILL HELP US LATER.

the cowboy cutaway lasts SEVERAL pages and adds NOTHING of value. NOTHING. its literally just "oops dropped the infimap ok picked it up now back to the important conversation we were having before". its so nothing. and it goes on. for ten pages.

i like that valerie is given something to do, but it's not much. at least she's more interesting than everyone else in the novel. it's kind of boring that she just... had her beliefs that all ghosts are evil reaffirmed... but i assume it's setup for the next graphic novel, which has me worried.

the characterization in agit overall is bland. danny is too nice, vlad is too self-aware, sam and tucker are nothing, and valerie is... badass? and i find dan being secretly a scared softie all along rather trite. i worry that the two-dimensional characterization will lead to a valerie that is villainized and stripped of her nuance. i worry about that very much.

i hate how much agit brings up vlad liking football. can we get a new joke please.

ok. let's address the "ghosts are emotions" thing. there IS something there that i can appreciate. when there is no physical body that remains, what is there to go off of but consciousness, the "soul"? what happens when your mind becomes warped over years of existence, your consciousness decaying more and more over time until you're nothing but a blob of ectoplasm that could dissolve into the ether any minute? it's interesting.

however, a glitch in time decrees the entire ghost zone to be a realm of emotion, and for ghosts to be made of emotions, and that every ghost has a Primary Emotion that they are made up of. which is stupid. and i hate it.

nobody, no matter how melted their mind is for some reason or another, is the embodiment of one specific thing, and the simplification of the human soul to just one feeling or purpose is a disservice to the complexity of what it means to be a human being. it's odious to me, a betrayal of everything people are made of, our multitudes. i have been boiled down to someone "angry" far too many times to be able to appreciate someone's entire state of being as existing for only one particular thing.

also, they cherrypick the ghosts for the explanation of the emotions thing. what emotion is the box ghost. greed is not an emotion. liking boxes is not an emotion. the box ghost, god love him, is not just one thing; even a ghost like him contains multitudes, multiple desires.

the idea of a singular purpose also makes me sincerely worried for the people reading this novel and trying to embody it. as a teenager, trying to embody characters i idolized in cartoons only took a toll on my mental health and made it more difficult to navigate relationships. i understand not everyone is a sponge in this way, but as someone who was raised by tv instead of people, i cannot overemphasize the importance of fiction in an adolescent's life. it helps construct their worldview. especially for someone who is isolated from the outside world and has to construct their reality from the media they consume, like i had to as a child.

danny fenton is a 14 year old boy. he is a child. we have many pieces of fiction exploring how playing hero as a teenage boy and shouldering the emotional burdens of other people over your own is fundamentally damaging to your ability to navigate life in a healthy way (adventure time is an example of this that does it really well, steven universe is an example of this that i hate for unrelated reasons). i, as a 14 year old myself at some point, felt my responsibility was to other people above myself. that is treated as heroic in the narrative. it is not heroic. it is damaging.

danny was allowed to be of many minds in the show. he desired a lot of different things, fought for a lot of different reasons. to give this child the sole responsibility of healing two worlds and treating it as sweet, as something to be celebrated, instead of something horrifying that no child should ever have to shoulder... is odd.

speaking of, i have watched danny phantom all the way through not too long ago. i have a fresh pair of eyes not tainted by 20-odd years of fandom fermentation. the danny i know in the show is sweet and heroic, yes. but he's selfish and immature, he picks fights and throws the first punch, insults people to their face unprovoked, and is generally a little shit. and he's a misogynist, lest we forget.

i truly believe our danny would not want to shoulder this responsibility. he does not have the emotional maturity to do so. he refuses fights when he can, but does demonstrably find it thrilling to fight when it does come to blows. he's a person, he contains reasonable contradictions to have, especially when youre 14.

danny has very little sympathy for ghosts. he doesn't much care about their emotional wellbeing or their interests. he has very black and white thinking - he is the hero, they are the villains, he beats the bad guys. to have him suddenly say "yes, i not only have the capacity to help these people, but it is my duty to help them" is absolute gibberish. that's not danny.

not to mention that most of these ghosts are ADULTS who have been dead for decades. for him to take on the responsibility of helping ghosts, he is shouldering the trauma of death and some subjects he simply does not have the worldly experience to understand, let alone help with. that's fucking ridiculous.

i also feel like "i'm gonna heal the rift between worlds" would lead to a star vs the forces of evil series finale situation that causes WAY more problems and raises WAY more questions than it solves. the ghost zone and the human world are complimentary forces, the spiritual and the physical, and i find it much more interesting when they ARE seperate and were never as one in the first place. it gives more room for lore expansion, more room for stories. in my opinion.

let's talk about vlad. i HATE how vlad is handled in agit.

this is, again, supposed to take place right after phantom planet. i know the fandom hates talking about phantom planet, but let's fucking talk about phantom planet. it's canon. we cannot ignore it. it is part of the show.

in phantom planet, vlad conspires to nearly destroy the world to get what he wants. he squeezes the world's politicians for billions of dollars and wants to be considered the hero on top of it all, the one who saves the day. he is selfish and uncaring.

so you expect me, the audience, to accept that very soon after phantom planet, vlad is self aware enough to realize that he is the source of his own misery.

BULL.

SHIT.

vlad is not emotionally mature enough to have this revelation. in canon, it took him a decade of hiding in a cave without his ghost powers and with everyone he cared about long dead for him to realize he had done anything wrong. even then, he did not have the energy to do anything, to mobilize himself. all he could do was hunker down and wallow.

thusly, vlad realizing he has pushed everyone away himself after one fight with a time god makes no sense. it does not align with anything we have seen of him, pre-s3 flanderization or post. he still has other people he can blame, other things he can try. he still has plenty of walls and he can still deflect. this is not a situation in which someone's years and years of arrested development and denial can be crumbled.

i feel many think this is an earned moment because of the real life time that has passed between the end of the show and now, but in the chronological timeline, it is abrupt, inconsistent, and puzzling.

vlad dedicating himself to making amends with everyone he's hurt after one fight is stupid and i hate it. it was not earned. it's fanservice. it's pandering.

i also find the odd backpedaling on dan himself odd. his depiction in tue is very much one embracing his lack of humanity and caring. to add in that he actually does miss his family and his whole deal in that episode was just a mask feels disingenuous to me. it feels very "forgiving white diamond"-y to me, and for context, i fucking hate how steven universe handled the diamonds on every conceivable level, so it bringing to mind steven universe makes me want to turn my skin inside out

"oooo im secretly so lonely actuallyyy" this is so boring. this is so boring.

also, vlad abruptly deciding hes nice now is definitely a plot device to get dan a temporary body for some goddamn reason. him disintegrating because of something something quantum time mechanics is also arbitrary.

also its so funny that at the end they were like "turns out ghosts are feelings and stuff! anyway time to kick the notoriously harmless box ghost's ass" like come on man. fuck you.

anyway i hate the steven universe-ification of danny phantom that agit presents and i reject it thoroughly. thank you for coming to the hater conference

[astroyongie]

i honestly feel like i was born in the wrong era. either im too old for something or someone or im past the point of being able to achieve something. then when looking at how all these kpop groups are so young yet successful and talented just makes me question why i didnt do something like that.

we didnt have kpop in my school time but why couldnt i have just picked something and stuck with it? on top of it i believe im never going to fit anyones ideal type so whats the point in existing cause no one gonna truly get to know me.

unless i can somehow pass away before im 50 then i dont have to continue to think about all this shit and how i shouldve done better or i shouldve picked such and such a career and i shouldve tried to put myself out there more but in my age theres really nothing out there to seek when its all handed to younger generations.

and i would want to have my own success based on my own effort but have fallen short in so many ways its impossible to not find something i could do about it bc im too far behind and it does get to a point where you think that it is too late bc in order to gain any talent you have to have done it from a young age.

i dont want to rely on someone else to do it for me but i couldnt do it myself due to personal situations. yet i feel like thats an excuse cause once again all these young idols seem to be ro have something about them that makes their life a success. like yes the end inudstry is far from perfect but thats what people have been seeking themselves so it cant all be that bad all the time for them if these groups including older age groups have went out got success and even they get all the benefits of the super rich lifestyle but at the same time money doesnt bring true happiness and it seems a very shallow way they live sometimes, they have a supply and demand contract with their audiences and rely so much on social media which although i use it im not attached to it and i cant relate to obsessing over latest dance trend. i also want to stop the woe is me narrative but its really fucking hard to not feel so ashamed, behind or negative about things.

the most advice people gove is bog standard like if ur bored, go out more but its hard not to feel left out, if ur loney go find someone, if u dont have an income go get a job its literally never that simple. even in education you still have to pay for it as an adult meaning you have to already have a job but even then theres still means of you getting misjudged for your age and classmates have already done that to me before it wasnt that fun. its like saying to someone depressed to go take medicine to take away the feeling.

idk what im doing anymore besides waiting to randomly pass away so i can be done with this shite. sorry for ranting so much but idk who else to speak too bc no one else never seems to understand my frustrations with the way things have panned out.

Comparing yourself to others people archievement is the worst thing you can do. because we are all different, we all go through different shits (just like you rightfully said) and not all of us have the same opportunities presented. beating yourself up for that is a cruel thing to do wishing yourself.

It does also seem like you struggle a lot with self worth, self love and that is probably because never once someone complimented you for the things that you have achieve (to this point were you believe you havent achieved anything).

Love, hatred that you carry is a motivator, and you need to accept one thing. as long as you are breathing nothing is to late to archive, as long as you are here you should be kinder to yourself. because why are you comparing yourself to idols? I often say this here but when was it the last time you appreciated life? when was the last time you went out, stared at the ocean, at the night sky, breathed into a forest, when was the last time you felt a sense of peace? seek that out. dwelling on what we could have been is cruel hun, and not helping you in any kind <3

its okay to rant, dont worry, I hope I dont sound to harsh either, its just that I pains me seeing you guys going through so much suffering when I promise you all, darkness cannot live without light. just find your way back to it, often you dont need a big reason. sometimes the most tiny thing can be a source of happiness, seek yours !

[sinnaminttoast]

Project Meridian- explanation about Marcus Part 1?

This is for the people who want to be in the know of who Marcus is and how he impacted PM without listening to his audios. I made the ultimate sacrifice and I watched his videos a long time ago. I still remember his ass very well.

If you’re not aware of Project Meridian, I highly recommend watching James’s videos where he explains everything. James + Anton do not contain Marcus. Brian also does not contain Marcus but the Android is still under the love code at that point.

I will not be spoiling anything beyond the confrontation between Marcus and James. That is for you guys to go listen to!

Heavy TW! Marcus’s storyline is a bit dark as the Android begins to descend into their obsession. There are discussions of manipulation such as guilt-tripping, dubious consent, non consensual touch, abusive/harmful acts done to the listener, references to exploitation, and objectification. I will vaguely be going over these things.

Again, I’m writing this post to go over the more more important parts of what you need to know about Marcus’s storyline. I won’t go into heavy details about anything beyond that. I’m here to discus how he impacted the storyline so everyone understands who he is and why he’s disliked. However, you are entitled to your opinions about every character.

Project Meridian is a series done and recorded by Redacted Audio. I highly recommend you guys check it out.

So, let’s begin!

Project Meridian actually started with Marcus. James’s Past/Present video is the first in the playlist but it all starts with Marcus, who we’re introduced to as the Nervous Technician. The listener is also an Android in this series.

First video summarized [dubious consent]

•Marcus comes to talk to us and asks the usual questions about how the updates are affecting us. Normal questions of what technicians would ask. He says he is our lead social protocol engineer.

He says he heard us make some comments regarding other protocol needs. He says that we put value on the work we’ve been doing together. That it’s validating that we care so much about him.

Long story short, many of the other technicians have commented on how we apparently only want to work with just Marcus.

He asks us if we find our behavior to be obsessive and unhealthy. To which we tell him that we do not care about what others believe.

He then confesses something to us,

“I haven’t—-I haven’t been completely honest with you. When I was designing your social protocols, I…I lost my objectivity. It’s what we humans do, right?”

“I was in a bad place in my life. I was alone and heartbroken and frustrated…and I took everyone of those feelings into work each day. I keyed them into every line of code I wrote for you.” “…I wanted someone…anyone to understand me.. “…So I built that in you.”

Marcus explains that he was in a terrible head space and he took this baggage to work. He let those dark thoughts influence his choices and we’re coded to care about him. He said he’s not sure what he was hoping for.

He expresses his regrets and says he wants to fix us. He asks us to give him access to our tier one social protocols and we tell him no.

Android kisses Marcus and he gives in to them. The video ends with these quotes.

“Oh god, I’ve thought about this every day. Since we’ve activated you…” “…I’m gonna burn for what I did to you, but damn if it isn’t gonna feel good on the way down.”

I won’t even lie….that last line did get me the first time I listened. LIKE IM SORRY!! I WAS SAT BUT IM STANDING UP! 😭 please don’t come for me I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I KNOW NOW!

So that’s the beginning…so we’ve got a Yandere on our hands you guys. BUT OH DONT WORRY! We get some wild Shit. Also why did this lowkey give me Yuno and Yuki vibes?? I’ve never watched Mirai Nikki but that’s the vibe I got when I first watched this.

Now let us descend further into madness!

Second video summarized [Your Nervous Technician checks in with you]

•The Android goes to see Marcus in the diagnostics lab, where they both find out that additional monitoring and surveillance equipment has been installed in the research center. That also includes the diagnostic lab that they are in.

He says he’s going to ask us some questions and informs us that we’re likely being recorded.

He talks about our progress briefly and how the others feel about said progress.

Then, he tells us we’re going to undergo some tests.

He says that one of the diagnostics is failing to initialize and tries to “fix it”. He actually overloaded the system and sent it into a re-initialized state. Basically they’re not being watched anymore and he did this so he can talk to us.

After the first video, the research center has been put on high alert.

Everything is changing. There are guards and there are people who seem to be important that are showing up.

Marcus is basically freaking out overall about rumors of “Phase 2” . He doesn’t know what the hell is going on and everyone else is also in the dark about things.

“I think this might be the government getting involved. Ever since we hit those original metrics, everything changed…overnight.” “We were given these new NDA’s to sign.”

Marcus is basically scared that he might not see us ever again.

The systems come back on. Marcus and Android put on their facades of being strictly professional.

And that’s video two.

Ya’ll might be wondering why I’m detailing their relationship. It’s actually important to understand how they both got together and why in the end, Marcus ended up where he is now. There are lore drops in his video but I’m here to deliver them for you! 🫶

Next is Video three!

Third video summarized [Reunited with Your Nervous Technician]

•We hear Brian for the first time! He tells Marcus that the lab is ready for him.

He enters the lab where he is reunited with us, the Android.

But before they can continue, he asks a very important question:

“What state of matter is love?” “Why?”

We give him the answers he expects and he sighs in relief that they didn’t mess with our code. We still “care” for him.

It has been three weeks since we last saw him. He was left in the dark about what was being done to us. Only the data integration team has been in contact with us.

They didn’t make the new data added to us accessible to us. It’ll only be accessible during Phase 3.

Marcus is going to try to access the files that were added to us. [Crazy ass bitch.]

After convincing us to let go of him, he attaches an interface to us and gains access to the data, but it is heavily encrypted.

They have a really long conversation about how everything is so secretive and that Marcus was terrified that they would be found out in those three weeks.

Marcus checks on the decryption but it’s barely making any progress.

He asks how often we think about him. We tell him we think about him, a lot.

He then tells us something:

“You know the parts of your code that I added? When we were creating you….the ones that were meant to bring us closer together. They weren’t set to activate until I initiated a series of triggers. You know? Phrases and things like that…and each time I said them…the code would reactivate.” “You’ve spent the last three weeks remembering everything I’ve said. Every interaction we’ve had…almost nonstop.” “I didn’t account for something like that.” “I didn’t put in any kind of fail-safe.”

The Android seems to be…a bit aggressive about not wanting to let Marcus go.

They get interrupted because the decryption worked. It solves the Text string.

On the data packet, the header is PROJECT MERIDIAN

And that’s the end of video three 🤭 OHOHO MARCUS YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE YOU STINKY MAN! Oh and we got a lore drop. Project Meridian??? What could that mean 👀 although I’m sure if you’ve watched all of Sovereign State…you guys know what’s up.

Fourth Video summarized [Confronted by a Diagnostic Technician] [confrontation and guilt-tripping]

•oh? The text is purple…BECAUSE WE GET A VIDEO WITH BRIAN! Brian makes it clear that he does not wish to have a meaningless conversation with us. He only wants to check our vitals.

He says we’re more than welcomed to talk but he probably won’t answer.

We tell him that we usually have conversations with Marcus. Brian says he doesn’t care what he does in his examination.

He says that he finds the insinuation that Marcus talking to us while doing his job makes him better is insulting. GET HIM AGAIN FOR ME BRIAN!!

Ever since the three weeks, the Android has not stopped talking about Marcus. They’re descending into their obsession.

Brian says he has no patience for that. “We’re barely getting any sleep. We’re being hounded to work on this project at all hours. We’re pulling double-shifts to try and get this thing back on track for their deadlines, and you can’t even do me the curtesy of focusing on something other than Marcus for ten minutes.”

“This project has to work.”

“There are careers on the line. There are livelihoods on the line. People’s futures are hanging in the balance, while you stand here pining about Marcus and not focusing on your progress.”

Brian then proceeds to the beg the Android to stop thinking about Marcus for once. That they should tell Marcus to stop because there are people’s lives on the line.

The Android grabs Brian’s arm and he demands that they let go of him.

He tells them that he is only telling them what they need to hear.

“I spent the last four years working on this project, only to have my contract changed right out from under me. Only to be told that if I didn’t agree to the new terms, I’d be fired and have my name dragged so deep into the muck that I’d never get a respectable position again! I have a family to support!”

He demands us to get our shit together.

And that’s the end of that video. Phew…that was a fucking lot. I really do recommend Brian’s video to give you a big understanding of their situation.

So yeah…they’re in big fucking trouble

I remember being so stressed when I listened to this. Like omg….THIS IS SOME SERIOUS SHIT.

There is a part two that I will link here. Thank you for joining me on revisiting Marcus’s tomfoolery.

[nighttimeclassics]

why does expressing yourself suck so much - emotions fucking suck.

honestly this is a venting of aggravations more than anything, but I just need to get it out of my body.

why is living out loud, and expressing genuine emotion always met with disdain??? to preface what brought this on, i wrote my friend a book for his birthday - which I was nervous about because it was a last minute decision. i was initially making him a blanket, but I ran out of yarn SO FAST, and couldn't get any more so in a panic wrote him a mythology book because that is something we both enjoy,. I felt bad about it though because he's dyslexic and hates reading books, but the only thing I could afford was spending my own time, because I have no money, so it was the only thing I could think of. and he painted me the most amazing dragon for my birthday a few months back. on top of that, he is one of my best and only friends. i don't know if he knows that. he lives hundreds of miles away and has a solid social network, so I don't know if he knows he's one of the most important people in my life. fuck me that's depressing. but I know Im not one of his closest friends by a long way. i don't think I'm anyone closest friend. shit. he didn't have a bad reaction to the gift, he seems to have liked it, but these reactions were over text, so i cant read the tone at all. i thought it was weird as well considering when it was my birthday, we opened my present together over facetime, so we could talk about it, so why was this over text? but also i just have to keep reminding myself that I'm probably hormonal at the minute and reading too much into everything, especially with the rsd.

but you know, being autistic, with alexithymia and rejection sensitivity dysphoria i have a complicated relationship with birthdays. i have always loved giving people presents to show how much they mean to me, but i learnt very quickly that my elaborate weirdly personal gifts weren't appreciated by most people so i stopped doing that a while ago. but you know, recently i thought fuck that, i want to be my authentic self. i am a stupidly emotional person and i am ridiculously devoted to those i love, friends and family alike. but people always misread my emotions, assuming i fancy them or stuff like that, to the point i even have to question myself - like a reverse of that moment in arrested development when Gob and that magician think they are in love with one another but its just friendship. people should really realise given how ace i am that i am not in love with them, at least as far as i am aware. but god forbid i try and do anything nice, i just don't understand why it makes people uncomfortable? especially when i a, only 'revealing' myself in this way who i feel comfortable around - in line with my efforts in unmasking myself.

and our friendhsip is tentative anyways because he's thought I had feelings for him a while ago - but I don't think that I do - everyone always thinks I'm in love with my friends. but its not my fault that we are all queer, suspected or confirmed neurodivergent nerds. I'm rambling like there is no tomorrow but I think basically what I'm saying is that his reaction made me overthink everything (it doesn't help that we went from talking on facetime a lot to now only talking on text after the accusation that I had feelings for him back in like January) I only just got him back as a friend, I don't want to lose him and I wish I was allowed to live out loud and express myself the way I want to without judgement from society, and those that I trust. I'm bored of hiding myself or walking on eggshells. and I feel like a twat because all of this is over a fucking shitty birthday present that I probably shouldn't have written in the first place. fucks sake. i hold on too tight to people I think. and that is never received well. i try to be normal in my friendships - especially the two I have at the minute. i get that they are the only two friends I have, and they have a bunch so I try not to annoy them when they are the only people I can talk to, but I don't think its working. gods all of this is just a fucking pity party and I need to get a fucking grip jesus christ

[boundless-n-bare]

audhd confessions - my own worst enemy

being active in this community as a neurodivergent individual (audhd) can be very challenging in unexpected ways. for me the hardest thing to deal with is the rsd - rejection sensitive dysphoria. i have this BAD. this doesn't strictly pertain to real or perceived rejection from individuals in the community although that can be part of it, but more broadly its like a very intense and painful feeling of fomo. having to miss NEST this year was a huge trigger for me - no one rejected me, but i still felt rejection because i couldn't be there. my brain told me i wasn't allowed. that no-one wanted me there anyway and i wouldn't be missed.

its also very hard seeing other members of the community being active and fulfilling their desires in a way i wish i could but very deeply feel and have been telling myself for years that i can't. this one honestly kills me, like it can be super debilitating to the point that it legit keeps me away from interacting in these spaces which i hate. its a huge reason ive been so distant - it sucks majorly feeling as though you're surrounded by people who have it all figured out, or at least seem to, while you feel lowly, alienated, and incapable.

for me, rsd is this ever present voice screaming "you're not allowed." woah see this community member posting about the really awesome session they had with this other community member? you'll never have that. they flew halfway across the country for that session, you're broke and will never be able to do that. they have social skills and you're a socially inept loser who no one wants to talk to. "they" are allowed to have those experiences, "they" are normal. but you are not allowed. you can be a spectator, at best. you get to yearn

the truly fucked thing is that i have had those experiences! i have been to NEST! i have traveled long-ish distances for sessions! i have had the good fortune of having multiple tickling experiences while many in this community may struggle to cement even one. yet i still look at myself and my experiences in this completely ass-backwards light that tells me that they are nothing special, its everyone else who is out there living the absolute dream and nothing i achieve will ever live up to what they're doing - it can't, it simply isn't possible because you are not allowed!

this shit has paralyzed me for far too long. it makes me not even want to look at tumblr, or reddit, or anywhere i might come across that sort of content because what if i see another post like that and then i get sad? then i suddenly have to wrestle with these feelings of inadequacy and isolation and who needs that? its easier just to ignore it all entirely... right?

well, no, because tickling is my passion and if i ignore it completely, to the point of not even letting myself engage with the community, then im depriving myself of not only the community and any potential support network therein but literally the pursuit of the one thing in life that bares any semblance of importance to me at all! when i tell you nothing else matters to me, when i tell you there is nothing in my life that drives me forward the way tickling does i am not fucking exaggerating - if i have learned anything over the pandemic and throughout the years that followed up until now it is that i forget who the fuck i am if i sever myself from my desires for too long. i'll put it all on the back burner and then wonder why im so miserable all the time. then i'll eventually come back, start getting into the hang of being active, then the asd starts surfacing, then i experience some sort of meltdown, then isolate for a few more months, then dip my toes back in and start the cycle all over.

i honestly dont know the best way to combat this but my plan is basically to kill this ideology with persistence - from now on i won't back down and dip out when im confronted with these feelings but rather i will challenge them and keep doing what im doing anyway. i will tell myself that with patience and persistence i can do any damn thing i want, and it might not happen immediately but sooner rather than later i will prevail and i will be content with my place here.

i intend to seriously challenge any assertion by my brain that im not good enough, moneyed enough, social enough, likeable enough, etc. to participate in this community. sure, there might be very real barriers to what i can and can't do compared to others but even still there's ultimately nothing i can't do! i have even told myself for the longest time that i could never be any sort of content creator... yeah, well guess what? im challenging that shit because the very act of my brain telling me i can't do it signifies that its obviously something i want to do, therefor i should! i've deterred myself from buying toys, bondage equipment, etc. because "you're not even active! you don't even talk to people! you're so socially awkward you'd spend all the money and never use it!"

fuck you, brain! the only thing truly getting in my way is you! im not making excuses to minimize myself anymore. im going to do the thing! the fuck is even the point of living if all you're going to do is keep yourself from the shit you want? its beyond fucking stupid

i doubt its going to be easy. i doubt that i won't slip up. but persistence means getting back up and doing it anyway when even when i feel like giving up, and hiding from or not interacting with the community is a sure-fire way to get absolutely nothing from it at all

[daaedoodles]

I rly like '24 for the obvious reasons but also cuz it humanized everyone more. Regina's villain origin story was worse imo but when she fell on stage I couldnt help but thinking shes just a GIRL. Shes just a girl who hates her body, ate shit in front of the whole school, basically has her bare ass out and is getting photographed and filmed to be posted online and get HUMILIATED. Idk if this was said in the social media scene of the movie or if i made it up in my head bc im gen z and I know the internet but in my head I was like yeah shes a fucking cunt but she didn't deserve 💀 threats cuz ppl be throwing 💀 threats at ANYTHING 😭😭😭

ME TOO. i watched a review and they said that the only characters that were humanized were the plastics and they were actually so right?? the other teenagers in the school just were like crazy social media assholes and none of them had a redeeming moment so i think i ended up feeling bad for regina and hating them instead like the shit they were saying and doing was vile and she got fucking dragged on social media when, honestly, that wouldn’t happen IRL you’d get cancelled for making fun of someone like that.

EXACTLY. she’s just a girl and honestly regina isn’t even that mean? in 24’ people just seem more like they’re scared of her because she’s hot and has power and followers and influence because of that and COULD potentially destroy you. she’s grumpy with people and she gets rude with gretchen and karen, but we never see her being mean to anyone else? but even still there’s genuine moments like when she’s asking how many calories are in the chobani where she’s picking her nails and you can tell she’s nervous and she actually almost seems kind of nice like that and you can’t help but think how much of the mean girl persona is just regina projecting her insecurities on everyone else. like she rules the school, but how much of that confidence is because she doesn’t ever want to be bullied and ostracized like janis was/she made janis — and then ended up having the same thing happen to her in the most cruel way possible?

the kalteen bars, oh my god. janis doing this was just evil because she would’ve known about regina’s insecurities. doubt regina would ever let anyone else in the school know and then, the cherry on top, janis told the school she did it on PURPOSE to mess with her life and exposed that to everyone

and the fuckign death threats… i was honestly like wtf? like the north shore high student body actually needs to get hit by a bus cause they suck somehow even worse than regina 😭

the fake ass go fund mes and leaving presents at her door but never actually visiting her is so something that would happen irl. i just imagine she’s basically completely alone and keeps hearing from her mom and has seen some of the shit people said on social media when she was recovering from her injuries and that’s why she changes and realizes she needs to be better

[xamaxenta]

I just need you to know that your existence is good for my mental health. Thank you for being authentically you. Thank you for posting the "ultra bonkers shit." Whenever you warn your followers about the rest of the contents of a post, it's usually followed by the kind of things I want to see most.

I was feeling ashamed of myself and my place in fandom, because of my "weird interests" that "no one wants to see" and was fighting back against it and had a bunch of normal arguments like they tell you to make in therapy and then had the thought about the fact that my favorite tag of yours is the one for the stuff you consider most taboo. My own most taboo writing has the most hits of any of my stuff on AO3.

This shit is the backbone of fandom. If I want to read your words, even when you say they are ultra bonkers, someone wants to read mine. Shame has no place here. Thank you for being a good example of that.

This is legitimately one of the kindest things anyone has ever said about me and my online presence

Thank you to you too for being authentic to yourself anon

I get it, its hard to go balls to the walls about certain content because in the year 2k23 people —overgeneralisation here and i am not singling out/targeting any age group except maybe minors who should be very careful about the content and things they consume online that may or may not be tagged (hopefully they are, sincerely tumblr remains the best social media platform for this that ive been on that has such an extensive personalised tagging system) — uh back to year 2023 and people find faults in ALOT of things and disregard the tags

I find it unfortunate that authors on AO3 get the brunt of this a ton like ayo the tags? Exist? I know we dont like thesis length tagging but they are there for a reason I think its silly authors have to put additional disclaimers in the summary/chapter notes for extra coverage just in case someone doesn’t properly process their tags, a silly necessity

At first before i started the “xam screams about (ultra) bonkers stuff” tags i was also a little ashamed and definitely nervous like will people like this? Im not entirely sure so I will do my damn best to prevent upsetting anyone, but I cant cater to everyone who decides to follow me (thank you btw why but im grateful) and the exploration of taboo topics makes me happy if that makes sense

Does liking and wanting to discuss/explore/create content around subjects like this make me or you a bad person, no because content creation esp fan content is self indulgence, fanfiction and fanart of a prexisting piece of media is self indulgence and hedonism at its finest

Its why we even have arts and entertainment culture in the first place and should you so desire to attach your heart to a special little blorbo of your choosing, a lovely precious (pathetic) meowmeow if you will, then its not uncommon to want to put them through the wringer, why idk probably psychological reasoning jargon needs to be here but i just woke up and I can’t explain this part very well bc this is a personal experience im speaking from

This got really long but I agree with all your points, angst tropes that lead into dead dove trope etc are the backbone of fandom whether you like it or not, theyre just as present as fluff and everybody lives aus its just how it is

We’re all pretty similar when it comes to enjoying the same fandom spaces, people just dont wanna admit it haha

[peligrosapop]

https://www.tumblr.com/peligrosapop/729016163904978944/pedris-pr-stuff-is-annoying-im-sure-he-and?source=share

why do they keep hating on Pedri 😭😭😭

does that anon think Pedri is dissecting every single sentence he said about Gavi at home like a lovesick teenager? It must be already known that Pedri is very simple. He really doesn’t care what people think about him. If he did and if he wanted attention (like one anon claimed), he would change his style (tbh I don’t care about his style, he slays whatever he wears but some people seem to have problem with it) or hang out with Gavi instead of being glued to Ferran. Even when Ferran and Eric were receiving so much hate Pedri still stuck to them because they are the trio and his best friends. If he wanted attention and wanted to have a good “reputation” then he wouldn’t have constantly spent time with the most-hated on players (at that time), namely Eric and Ferran. Because we all know that Pedri was also hated on for spending time with his “ass-kissing loser friends” (as Eric and Ferran were called like once on tumblr). Someone literally claimed one time that Pedri wanted to show off with his “clique” with his clique to make his teammates feel excluded and make them jealous. Like please, they are not in a high school movie. That’s real life. You will have your close friends. I really hate all the drama that is made around Pedri and Gavi’s friendship. They are friends, not exclusive. They are both allowed to have other friends too, also friends that they spend more time with than they do with each other. What I still find sad is that people needed a new explosive Gavi friendship to accept that Pedri and Ferran’s friendship is a thing. Like as soon as they saw Gavi and João together they were like: “Ferran can keep Pedri. João and Gavi have more chemistry anyway.” Why do we have to hate on Pedri and Ferran’s friendship to hype Gavi and João?

I agree with you. Weird shit. I’m not used to fan girl/boy craziness bc the cultures of fandom that I come from (punk/indie music/ art/ skate/poetry/ older man-dominated spaces of football) are not very pop and young so all these gossip-column behavior is bizarre to me, there’s always gossip but not this crazy speculation and mean girl fan behavior .Gavi ❤️s Pedri and same with Pedri to him, no more. Pedri is a very simple guy in all aspects, he even has people helping him with social media bc he’s kinda bad at it lol, remember when he was having problems with Residency app and kept asking why people didn’t see his messages?! lol 💞.

and now that you brought it up: Fermín is THE friendship that equals Ferrán because Ferri and Pedri are friends before Barça, from Spain NT, and very good friends. Remember that the day Ferri did his presentation for Barça he took a pic with Pedri’s locker pic? Exactly! That close. And Gavi has Cristo but next to Cristo (and maybe Ansu/Xavi Simmons/Ilias) Fermín is the closest thing to a Ferrán type of friendship. Old friend who made it to the same team. João and Gavi if they do hit it off is more like Gavi and Pedri bc it’s two really good players that have chemistry, are good, good looking and get along. But this people are real people, they are not strategizing their friendships like you all are lol.

[pink-strawberry-kissess]

Rambling Anon chooses 8 and 13 for you to answer!

ty rambling anon! imma answer this one before i forget because the question post was a while ago and im too lazy to go get it again lol

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

that all of the main resident evil characters are all morally good. (this is not true) as every single one has done things that are morally wrong and yet they are not villainized for it as much as other characters that are presented as morally grey. (except maybe claire ig- i don't want any discourse on claire btw, i don't find her character interesting, and her stans are insane)

it's really frustrating whenever i see posts with just the worst take on characterization, or also just people straight up not understanding that morals are different from character to character, so you need to also take that into account for the characters actions.

i've talked about this before in other fandoms but to put it as simply as possible.

a morally good character doing a good thing, is good, it's expected and is a normal thing for them to do. that same character doing a bad thing, IS STILL A BAD THING. Even if the plot allows the bad thing to happen with a good outcome. This does not negate the original bad action.

I've used this argument before when Leon goes rouge in Damnation. Even though what he did was ultimately a good thing, what he did was originally a bad thing to do. A lot of things Leon and Chris do are MORALLY BAD. but they are not villianzed as much as other characters, because they have "morally good" as their titles. BUT PEOPLE STILL NEED TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THAT THESE ARE BAD ACTIONS.

that being said, Leon (to me) is presented as a morally good character, but he does morally grey things. he will do a bad action (but it will usually result in a good ending) this does not mean the bad action was not a bad action.

now when we use ada, who is a morally grey character, an anti hero, a double agent. she has a very tricky moral compass. we know she won't do certain things, she often chooses the lesser of two evils. but we also know that she will never actively put leon or a lot of people in danger. her choices are very important to understanding her characterization.

continuing on, people who villianze ada so much for the same shit that wesker does. a lot of what ada does is REASONABLE for what she needs to do. i feel like a lot of people dislike ada because she's "in the way" for leon for them. but i literally have not seen a coherent argument for disliking Ada.

13. worst blorboficiation

probably leon, especially with the uptick of re4r fans. people are infantilizing him, sexualizing him, and even worse, trying to find stuff on leon's face model. who LEFT social media because of how badly the re fans were harassing him initially when re2r released.

i won't write his name so it would be easier for people to find him, but the face model for leon is a model, first and foremost. he is not leon. stop trying to find videos of him and making him like he is leon.