#always happy to talk about them if anyone wants except my memory is bad so idk how much i can rmb in detail for discussion(?) lol

[rinbylin]

what is your favorite film of all time?

21. favorite animated film?

38. in your opinion what's the most overrated movie?

1. what is your favorite film of all time?

here is my top 4 currently on letterboxd. i'm pretty sure the first 2 are going to be permanently there for at least the foreseeable future...MOVIES OF ALL TIME

21. favorite animated film?

哪吒闹海 nezha 1979 hands down! i don't really watch animated films to begin with out of preference (though i should try more at some point) but it is very special to me!

38. in your opinion what's the most overrated movie?

lolol this is the most difficult one so far!!! man, there are way too many movies i do not like/enjoy as much as people seemed to. NOT the most overrated, but one of the representatives for me is f/rewell my concubine 1993, considering its status as ""number 1 of chinese cinema""...... hoping nobody stones me to death at this point :] not saying it's bad-bad, just saying i personally didn't manage to connect with it and the ultra high praises surrounding it.

-

movie/film ask bait

[srvbryn]

heyy, I was the one that asked if you're taking requests and I'm so happy you are!!

Could I request Luke x reader, where reader stats sending him some anonymous notes (just small things to avoid being obvious) and ends up getting kinda sad when Luke is considering almost every girl in the camp except her, and the ending can be whatever you like

Hope you're comfortable with this! 🥺

Also, if you're up to make tags with anon identification can I be 🫀anon? (It's so I can find the answers to my asks faster, but it's okay if you don't want to 😊

Hope you have a nice day 👋

Luke Castellan. Secret notes

𐙚⋆.˚ Luke Castellan X f!reader (no mention of Godly parent)

Summary: "I've always admired you" He used to be the sweetest boy in camp, but now he's known as a traitor.

𐙚⋆.˚ light angst, THEY USED TO BE FRIENDS but then idk shit happened man, Luke actually like reader BUT he thought reader didn't like him so he spend time with different girls everyday to ignore his feelings lol, this shit take a whole different turn LMAOAOA

A/n: THIS ONE IS SO BAD - this writing shit block hit hard 😭😭 I barely have any ideas , I'm sorry if this one is BAD 🫀 anon 😔

“For what it's worth

I did love you

And I could have said it a thousand and one times

But I wanted nothing more than for you to hear

To understand and to represent all that it meant

And I would say it again

To make it a thousand and two I do still love you

And it sure still does sound sweet

For what it's worth

I understand you

Maybe as far as you want me to

Maybe even more, but I do

And the consequences of understanding you

I didn't know would be love

Love unabashed and irreplaceable

Love that can't be replicated

A flame that didn't need to be fanned

Because how can you understand the beauty of a rose

And leave it in the garden...”

Maybe knowing it has thorns?”

Eighteen-year-old (name) has her future all planned out - spending the time at Camp Half Blood and move out of the place; attend college near the city; spend the summer in Spain.

The second I close my eyes, the memories play, and I find myself back at the beginning.

He used to be the sweetest boy in camp, but now he's not. It was sweet how he would respond to girls smiling at him. He was kind, the type of man you would want in a relationship.

He's literally the personification of a fairytale man, the way he walks the way he talks.

He's flawless.

i. The first time I secretly gave you a note

I got some paper and wrote down my feelings for him. This is the first love letter I've ever written, and the first I've sent to Luke.

When I was finished, I went in without anyone noticing, folded the paper, inserted it through the slit, and pushed it inside.

You sigh with relief. It was dumb; seriously, a love letter? He's the most gorgeous and strongest swordsman in the camp, and the only way you can confess is through an anonymous love letter??

It was sparring time, and you really enjoyed it because you could admire Luke Castellan.

What you didn't expect to see was an Aphrodite girl batting her eyelashes so hard while staring at him. She's going to fly with that eyelash of hers, you thought to yourself.

But she has courage, and you admire her for it.

Lover girl: 0

Ms steal your man (#1) : 1

Luke Castellan was still awake that night, looking at the moon, as is his usual routine, which no one knows about.

Reading the notes he found inside his locker,

"Dear Luke, I've always admired you since the first time I saw you. - ♡"

It was short, but not meaningless, because it was the first time someone gave him something to remember.

Lover girl: +1

Ms steal your man (#1): +0

ii. 14th February - I hate you

It would've been nice if your crush noticed you. You would be lying if you said you didn't hate valentine the most.

Inside her cabin, (Name) couldn't shake the sting of loneliness on Valentine's Day.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she imagined Luke enjoying the company with other cabin girls. "Why does he always choose them over me?" she questioned, her heart heavy with unspoken emotions.

Meanwhile, in the dimly lit hallways, Luke laughed with the others, blissfully unaware of (Name)'s pain.

"Luke, why not spend some time with (Name)?" Annabeth suggested, sensing her sadness. Luke brushed it off with a casual remark, "She's fine on her own."

Back in her cabin, (Name) clenched her fists, whispering to herself, "I'm always on my own." She tried to distract herself, but every attempt failed. The distant echoes of laughter outside only intensified her solitude.

As the night deepened, (Name) heard footsteps approaching her cabin. Hope flickered, but it dimmed as she realized it wasn't Luke. A gentle knock echoed, "You okay, (Name)?"

Tears streaming down her face, she replied, "I just wanted to spend Valentine's Day with someone who actually cares."

iii. I should hate you

"You should've seen (Name)'s face," one girl giggled, recounting a previous encounter. "She's such a mess."

Deep in her heartache, (Name) wished Luke would notice her suffering. "Am I not enough?" she wondered, dealing with the harsh reality of his neglect.

The cabin's walls appeared to close in as the weight of unspoken words pressed down.

Luke's laughter echoed through the night, a stark contrast to (Name)'s silent sobs.

She craved his presence, his understanding, but he remained blissfully ignorant. "I thought I meant something to him," she murmured, wiping away tears.

iv. Thank you, Annabeth

The evening sun cast a warm glow over the tranquil lake as (Name) joined Annabeth, Percy, and Grover.

Laughter and chatter filled the air as they settled by the water's edge. Annabeth, with her piercing eyes, couldn't help but notice (Name) seemed distant.

"Hey, (Name), you've been quiet. Everything okay?" she asked, concern etched on her face. (Name) sighed, her gaze fixed on the water. "Yeah, just thinking about stuff, you know?"

Percy, ever the perceptive one, chimed in, "You can talk to us. We're like family."

Grover nodded in agreement, "Totally, (Name), we're here for you."

As they enjoyed the lakeside atmosphere, Annabeth couldn't ignore (Name)'s glances toward where Luke was chatting with another girl.

She approached (Name). "Look, (Name), it's been going on for a while now. You can't keep avoiding this. You should tell Luke how you feel instead of sulking every time he talks to someone else."

(Name) tensed, her expression guarded. "It's not that simple, Annabeth. Luke and I are practically strangers."

Annabeth crossed her arms, her voice gentle yet firm. "You're like an older sister to us, and we hate seeing you upset. If you don't tell him, you'll always wonder 'what if.' Trust me, it's better to know than to wonder."

The words lingered between them, and (Name) mulled them over as they decided to take a dip in the lake. The water was cool, and the moon reflected on its surface as they swam.

Percy splashed water at Grover, starting a playful water fight. (Name) couldn't help but smile at their antics, but her thoughts still lingered on Annabeth's advice.

As they swam back to the shore, Percy asked, "Come on, (Name), join the fun! Don't let your worries ruin the evening."

(Name) hesitated for a moment before giving in, and soon laughter echoed around the lake as they played and enjoyed each other's company.

v. Realization

Luke's curiosity got the better of him when he noticed (Name) sneaking into Hermes Cabin.

As he approached her, he had a furrowed brow and a puzzled expression on his face, and the pile of small love notes in her hands revealed the secret he had unknowingly discovered.

"(Name), what are you doing here? And what's with all these notes?" Luke said.

Her cheeks flushing with a mix of embarrassment and nervousness. "Luke, I... um, well, these notes are for you. I've been leaving them hoping you will read them"

Luke's eyes widened in realization, understanding crossing his features.

Luke said teasingly. "You're the one behind these notes? Why keep it a secret?"

Glancing everywhere but at him, you replied "you hangout with different girls everyday what makes you think I have the courage to confess?"

Luke's expression softened as he processed (Name)'s confession. The air between them thickened.

"You don't have to hide, (Name). Your notes brought joy to my days. Knowing it's you only makes them more special."

vi. The prophecy

“Luke—”

“Good-bye, Percy. There is a new Golden Age coming and you won’t be part of it.”

He slashed his sword in an arc and disappeared in a ripple of darkness.

The scorpion lunged.

I swatted it away with my hand and uncapped my sword. The thing jumped at me and I cut it in half in midair.

I was about to congratulate myself until I looked down at my hand. My palm had a huge red welt, oozing and smoking with yellow guck. The thing had gotten me after all.

My ears pounded. My vision went foggy. The water, I thought. It healed me before.

I stumbled to the creek and submerged my hand, but nothing seemed to happen. The poison was too strong. My vision was getting dark. I could barely stand up.

Sixty seconds, Luke had told me.

I had to get back to camp. If I collapsed out here, my body would be dinner for a monster. Nobody would ever know what had happened.

My legs felt like lead. My forehead was burning. I stumbled toward the camp, and the nymphs stirred from their trees.

“Help,” I croaked. “Please . . .”

Two of them took my arms, pulling me along. I remember making it to the clearing, a counselor shouting for help, a centaur blowing a conch horn.

Then everything went black.

Oh gods, "Annabeth-" (name) voice breaks the silence.

"I know (name) I know" She replied.

...

“You idiot,” Annabeth said, which is how I knew she was overjoyed to see me conscious. “You were green and turning gray when me and (name) found you. If it weren’t for Chiron’s healing . . .”

The room was quiet when Percy told them the story.

It was quiet for a long time.

“I can’t believe that Luke...” Annabeth’s voice faltered. Her expression turned angry and sad. “Yes. Yes, I can believe it. May the gods curse him.... He was never the same after his quest.”

“(name) can you believe what he just did?!” Annabeth said.

"I don't.. but seeing Percy like this oh my gods... I'm so sorry Perce"

Maybe I was dumb for not noticing you were plotting to betray us.

See you on the other side, Luke Castellan.

[callmewrinkles3]

All Too Well - DR3 x Fem!OC

Summary: Saying goodbye is hard. Saying goodbye to your family without telling them it’s a final goodbye is even harder. But Em has come to terms that Dan doesn’t love her the same way she loves him, and leaving on her own terms will hurt less than being told he’s ending things. March 2022.

Word Count: 12.3k

Warnings: fighting, all the angst this bad boy can carry, lil bit of a dickhead!Dan, running away from your friends, mentions of death, mentions of motorsport crashes and deaths, moving without telling anyone, lying to family, talk of medical procedures, frank talks about what people want to happen if they can’t decide.

A/N: We’ve kept you waiting, but we hope this was worth the wait! This part of our story is what started us on this madcap adventure together, and it’s a lot of what makes our beloved Em Em. Thank you in advance!

Em stared at the two boarding passes in front of her as she sat in the fancy Heathrow lounge, a caramel latte beside them. Heathrow to Dubai, Dubai to Melbourne. More than twenty hours spent on planes to get to Melbourne, to jump into work and get stuck in at the Australian Grand Prix. And it was the last thing she wanted to do.

She should be excited. She should be so happy because she was about to see the boys after over a week apart, she was about to see Dan. She was finally going to get to see the Ricciardos after almost two years apart. But she was dreading it, the memories from Saudi filling her head as she thought. Em forced her attention to the laptop sitting on her knees, emails up and the one she never thought she’d write sitting in the middle of the screen.

SUB: Resignation Letter

From: emmy@.ric3.com

To: blake@.ric3.com

Dear Blake,

Please use this email as my official resignation, effective immediately. I’m sorry that I can’t offer any more notice.

Working with you has been fantastic, and I appreciate everything we’ve gotten to do over the past three years.

Kind regards,

Emma.

Signing it Emma felt wrong. Emma was for Zak Brown and Andreas Sidle. Christian Horner had used it the one time she was introduced to him at Red Bull. She was always Em or Ems now. Except for Dan, she was his Emmy. But that wasn’t going to happen any time soon. Or ever again. If he called her that she thought she might lose the last grip she had on her composure and break.

The email was scheduled and sitting in her outbox to send after the race, and the last thing she did before boarding was reschedule her flight home. Instead of leaving Monday morning with the boys, she was going on Sunday evening. She’d be somewhere over Queensland by the time Blake received the email and the boys would be at least twelve hours behind her. It was enough time to make sure she could be well ahead of them and get away.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was supposed to be smiling and laughing, and she was supposed to be in Perth right now cuddling her niblings and laughing with Grace and Joe. Learning to cook yet another family recipe and insisting that she and Dan were just friends. She couldn’t even answer the question honestly if they were friends now.

He’d sent her away. The one thing she begged him not to do, the pinkie promise she’d made him give. The only promise she had ever asked him to keep. Not to stay safe while driving, not to do anything else. Not to leave her alone. The near screaming match they’d had in his drivers room that Blake and Michael had to break up. The way he didn’t even look at her but told Blake to “take Ems to the hotel”. How she had tears streaming down her face as she was escorted through the paddock like she wasn’t supposed to be there.

She still didn’t fully believe that she’d dropped her phone in the car. Em shouldn’t even have been in the car alone with Blake, but Dan insisted she went to the hotel room so she went. She was left there alone in Saudi Arabia, where Dan knew she couldn’t leave the hotel. She stared out the window at the smoke from the rockets, completely alone all night until Michael knocked on her door the following morning and she had to pretend everything was fine.

She’d worked from hospitality and as soon as the race finished she changed her flights to go back to London instead of Perth, making up an excuse. And Dan bought that she was going back for her parents.

“Family stuff.” She’d said when he asked.

“Em, you don’t talk to your family much.” She was folding clothes into her case, the one she’d brought that had her Australia clothes already standing fully packed.

“Yeah, but it’s family. My parents have their thirty fifth wedding anniversary in a few weeks, I’m helping plan it.” Only the last part of her words were a lie and she bit her tongue.

“Everyone wants to see you, they all miss you and they keep asking when you’ll be over. The kids miss you.”

“I’ll see them in Melbourne, Dan. You go, enjoy your time at home with them.”

She’d gotten a car to bring her to the airport and Dan hadn’t even asked a question, just a “text me when you land”. There was no hug, no even quick hand squeeze like they usually did in the Middle East. That’s when she knew whatever they were doing. The nearly four years of sleeping together and pretending they weren’t, of the media wondering who she was and why she was always there, was over.

She’d promised herself that she wasn’t going to catch feelings, that it was just sex. That she could do it. That every time she told Dan “y’know, right?” it was purely platonic. That the slow sex was just them wanting to take their time, nothing else. That she hadn’t murmured to Dan to make love to her in Bahrain when they shouldn’t have even been sharing a room after Grosjean’s crash, when he kissed her and held onto her and whispered that he loved her as he entered her.

Because that was sixteen months ago and nothing had changed. It was never going to change between them. Their fight in Saudi had proven it, and now she had to pretend that everything was fine before she said goodbye to the people she loved for the last time.

She couldn’t keep working with Dan when not sleeping with him. She couldn’t watch him fall for another woman, couldn’t get introduced to more people as “Em, my best friend” anymore. She was his Emmy. He was her Danny. And not getting to love him and be loved by him how she wanted to was going to kill her.

The flights were what she expected, Dan had upgraded her tickets to first class like he always did and she wanted to kill him like she always did. She spent the flights and the layovers organising his calendar for the next three months, tracking his flights and cross checking the sponsor events that had been filled in. Everything up to Hungary was booked and ready to go. She checked her watch when she was halfway to Melbourne, realising that he’d be at the Optus event she was usually on his arm for. She was supposed to be there this year, but she told him to take Michelle instead. All the events around the Australian GP that she always went as his plus one, wearing the star necklace he’d gotten her for her birthday, and the matching earrings that were her Christmas present the same year. Her outfit was usually one he’d bought for her against her protests because “let me spoil you” was how he showed that he cared, and she always wore the gold moon ring on her thumb that matched the sun one she’d bought him for his little finger. Most of her wardrobe and all of her everyday jewellery were presents from Dan. Her life was completely entwined with his, and untangling it all was going to hurt.

Her flight got in at god-awful o’clock that Wednesday morning, she’d lost a full day having left London on the Monday evening, but she walked through Melbourne customs with her suitcase glad to just be through. She’d told everyone she’d get an Uber to the hotel and meet them for breakfast, but instead as soon as she appeared in front of the glowing Melbourne sign two small figures ran to her yelling.

“AUNTIE EMMY YOU’RE HERE YOU’RE HERE!” Em dropped her bags and fell to her knees, arms wide open to pull Isaac and Isabella into her and pressing so many kisses to their curly heads.

“I’m here, I’m here. I missed you both so much. So, so much. I’m so sorry I couldn’t see you, I wanted to see you sooner.” Stupid Western Australia and closed borders and not letting people through. Her eyes began shining as she took in the difference in the two kids, Isaac at least a foot taller and losing the childlike way he’d spoken. Isabella had doubled in size, long hair and a child instead of a toddler the last time she’d seen her in person.

“It’s ok, you’re here now! Nana said you’ll sit with us for ev’rything ‘cept the race? Cause we’ve got two years of birthday and Christmas pressies for you!” Isaac looked so proud, grinning as he took her wheeled carry on and pulled it.

“I can’t wait. Who’re you here with?”

“Grandad Joe! He has our sign, Uncle Mike and Uncle Blake told us we had to use all the glitter. We were gonna wait, but I saw you and I wanted a hug. Is that ok?” He looked almost worried of her response, but she ruffled his hair.

“It’s more than ok. All I wanted was hugs from the two of you.”

Isabella clung to her waist, Em lifting her up with one arm and mentally thanking Michael for the strength training that let her carry the girl and pull her suitcase with her. She looked around to see Joe holding a giant piece of bright orange card, Auntie Emmy written on it in blue and silver glitter. It was the shiniest thing she’d ever seen in her life, and it was coming home with her even with the craft herpes that would infest her suitcase. Joe pulled her into a one armed hug on the side his granddaughter wasn’t monopolising, pushing a kiss to the side of her forehead that made her want to cry.

“We missed you, kiddo. Grace wanted to be here but we couldn’t fit her in the car too, and Dan’s doing media today. You cut it tight to get in.”

“It’s my parents wedding anniversary next week, I’ve been helping. I have to fly out after the race on Sunday.” It was Wednesday, and she could see his face fall as he realised how little time they’d have together.

“We’re spending as much time with you as we can until you go. Those boys get you all year round, we get you for this weekend.”

“That sounds perfect.”

When they made it to the hotel Em was greeted with yet more hugs from Grace, Michelle, and Michelle’s husband Adam. There were tears in everyone’s eyes at the reunion, and the long hug from Grace was the best thing ever and broke her heart at the same time. It was so restorative, so good, but she wasn’t going to get many more of them.

“Dan checked you in, here’s your key. He’s got the room on the other side of you, Blake’s on the other wall, we’re most of our corridor. Do you want to get some sleep and we’ll call you at noon?”

The first thing Em noticed about her room was the adjoining door between her room and Dan’s. She closed the lock gently to make sure she was completely alone. After that she napped fitfully, waking up to knocks on the door and yet more hugs. The day was spent going to the zoo, kids hanging out of her as she swung them around and gave piggybacks, feeling exactly like part of the family. Blake told her to take the day off for jet lag, and she wasn’t complaining.

That evening was filled with fun as the kids clung to her while she pulled out the first of so many presents. Chocolate first so she could see their faces eating proper chocolate rather than the Australian stuff that didn’t melt in the heat. The bag of duty free was quickly eaten between everyone, a movie on tv as she filled everyone in on what she had been doing. It wasn’t until after eight that Dan appeared wearing a suit.

“Ems! I thought you were coming with me tonight?” She looked up from where she’d been half dozing with Isabella curled up against her, taking in her best friend wearing a navy blue suit and white shirt.

“Coming to what? I’m taking today for jet lag. What’s tonight?”

“The AusGP reception. You always come!” Confusion was written all over his face and Em swallowed once, looking at him carefully.

“I said I wasn’t doing anything this year. I have to leave pretty much straight after the race, I don’t have time.”

“Emmy, please.” She hated that she couldn’t resist him when he did that, when her name curled around his accent like that.

“I don’t have anything to wear.” This was the closest they’d ever come to an argument in front of his family. Their eyes were going between them as if watching a tennis match.

“I got you something.”

“Dan, you can’t do that.” It was pointless to argue but she had to try make her point. She couldn’t just do everything because he wanted her to.

“I did. C’mon, it’s three hours and some schmoozing and we can come back so you can go to bed. He did his best impression of puppy dog eyes, lifting Isabella from her. “You want to see Auntie Emmy all glam and pretty, right Is?”

“Yeah! She’s always pretty.”

“You’re very right. I left the dress in your room, Ems. Please?”

“Fine.”

She said her goodbyes and went into her room, making sure the adjoining door was locked before going into shower and change. As she walked into the bathroom she thought she heard the door rattle but ignored it, forcing herself to take time to put herself together.

Years travelling around the world had taught her how to make herself look presentable in very little time, forcing her to learn how to do a blow dry with a hotel hairdryer. It took less than an hour to have hair and makeup perfectly done, a wrap around her shoulders and a pair of heels on her feet. The dress Dan had picked was perfect for her. It was lavender, knee length with a corset top, and her jewellery worked perfectly with it. He had taste when it wasn’t about party shirts. Once she was ready she picked up a clutch and knocked on Dan’s door. He opened the door confused, but ready to go.

“I thought you’d use the adjoining door? It’s why I got us these rooms.”

“I’m tired, Dan. Can we just get this over with?”

The launch was like anything else, an event to deal with. There were speeches and then wandering around the room, Dan’s hand hovering at her lower back but not quite touching her. She smiled as she was introduced as “meet Ems, she’s my best friend and my manager’s assistant who keeps my life on track”, even while her heart was breaking. But she kept her cool, finally managing to break away from Dan for a few minutes to chat to Ted and Natalie from Sky while Dan did the rounds.

“I didn’t know if you’d be here. I was talking to Michael yesterday, he said you weren’t in Perth with them,” Ted remarked as Em looked at the almost empty glass of champagne in his hand.

“Is this going to end up as gossip on the notebook if we talk?” Nat nearly snorted with laughter, Ted shaking his head with a chuckle.

“Nope. I’m drinking so I’m officially off work duties. Unless you have any gossip about things? Anything that I can attribute to an unnamed McLaren source?”

“I don’t work for McLaren, thankfully Zak doesn’t sign my paycheque. But no, I’ve got no gossip. There’s some family stuff happening so I have to head home pretty much as soon as the race is over. But I needed to see everyone, it’s been almost two years and I missed them.”

“Fair.” They chatted about the season so far, studiously ignoring the controversy around the last race, until Dan arrived back to make excuses and get them to leave the party.

“Back to the hotel?”

“You read my mind.”

The car ride back was the most awkward one the two of them had ever done and Em didn’t know what to do. Usually if they were in a car alone together they’d be curled into each other or at least holding hands. But she was on her side of the SUV, Dan was on his, and the hand she’d stretched into the middle as a peace offering was ignored. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do with that. Didn’t want to know, really. All his actions did was solidify that the painful decision she’d reached was the right one. Just because things could be easy didn’t mean they were right.

When they reached their floor in the hotel Dan stopped outside her hotel room as Em waved the keycard at the lock.

“Night, Dan.”

“But I thought…”

“What?” She was sharper than she should have been, but she was jet lagged and tired and heart sore.

“I thought we’d be sharing a room.”

“Your family are two doors down and the kids are here. The chances of at least one of them knocking on my door before I want to get up in the morning are high, and I don’t want to have to explain why we share a bed when we’re not married. Do you?”

“Not particularly.”

“Exactly. I’ll see you in the morning.”

As soon as the hallway door closed behind her she double checked the lock on the adjoining door before flipping over the door lock. If she’d looked out the peephole she would have seen a confused and disappointed Dan standing in the hallway.

The next few days passed in a haze of having the kids around, working, and ignoring Zak. She knew he was the original source of the rumours the year before, he was the one who got Mazepin to start spreading that she was sleeping with all three of her boys. It was her greatest pleasure to get to tell him no, and she did it with joy.

But in between finalising as much as she could before her resignation was sent she had time to wander Melbourne alone. She loved the city. It had always welcomed her in, it was Dan’s home race and the place where she knew everyone adored him. Em wandered around a craft market, finding a jewellery maker who made gold charms and engraved them on the spot. It took her all of ten seconds to buy two and get them put on different coloured leather cords, one each for Isaac and Isabella. The front had a pair of angel wings for each of her angel kids, and the engraving on the back read love you forever, Auntie Emmy. 

Leaving her family behind was going to be the hardest part of this, and she needed to make sure that they knew just how much she loved them. Em was so aware that she was about to be the first adult to choose to walk out of their lives, and she didn’t want to do that. She didn’t want to break their hearts the way hers would break too. She just hoped that when they realised she wasn’t coming back they’d know she wanted to tell them how much she loved them.

Practice and qualifying were shit and she felt her dislike of the team growing even stronger. She didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to deal with the stupid orange team and the way that they were favouring Lando already. Dan was the one who won a race last year, not Lando. He was the one who had proven himself with podiums galore. But they didn’t care.

That night she left the door between their rooms unlocked. Her bags were half packed, her resignation email was scheduled to send and she’d triple checked the timezone on it. Em had spent the last two days hugging everyone as much as she could, surprising Chloe by popping into the Aston garage before a practice and waving to Lance and Seb as she pulled Chloe into a giant hug. Scotty got one too, trying to put the love and care she had for her best friends outside her boys into a hug. There were waves to the people she couldn’t hug because rumours would start, giving Susie a recommendation for the restaurant they all ate at the night before so she and Toto could have a family meal with Jack in privacy. The small things to make sure everyone knew she thought about them and loved them.

Em couldn’t sleep straight away. Nights before races were hard, the crashes she’d watched with her own two eyes usually playing in her head. Dan in Anthoine’s car, Dan in Grosjean’s. Dan in Lewis’s place the year before with no halo. Dan in the rain and a tractor on track. All the ways she knew people had died racing she thought about and she couldn’t deal. Her fear every time Dan slid into his seat in the car was all encompassing but racing was his first love and she could never ask him to stop.

She was about to get up and go down to Michael’s room to ask for some melatonin, but the doorknob between the two rooms rattled and clicked open quietly. Em stayed still as she was, breathing in and out steadily.

Dan slipped into the other side of the bed. If she just opened her eyes she’d be able to see him. If she reached her fingers out slightly she could touch him. It was the first time they’d shared a bed since Bahrain and being just over covid and she wanted him to hold her. Her body was screaming to curl into him and tell him she loves him and she’s his and she doesn’t want him to fall in love with anyone else because she wants him to love her. To choose her over all the models in the world he could have.

She didn’t sleep that night, too aware of his presence in the bed. She could hear his snores but she didn’t dare look up at him, didn’t dare move in case she disturbed him. He needed his sleep the night before a race.

As the morning dawned through crappy hotel curtains she could feel the vibrations from the alarm on his watch, the one he always used to try let her get some extra sleep when he needed to be up early.

Please kiss my forehead. Please, Dan. Please just give me any sign you want me to stay. Don’t leave me again.

Every morning was the same when they shared a bed. He’d delay until the very last minute to stay in the warmth and then kiss her forehead in goodbye. And then he’d leave, not content to get out from there until he made sure she knew he said goodbye.

This time he slid out of the bed without touching her, padding across the still room and going back into his. Em heard the lock slide shut on his side and rolled over, tears filling her eyes.

It hurt so much already, how was she supposed to pretend that everything was fine? How was she supposed to act normal around everyone when she wanted to scream that they were over and nothing would ever be the same again? How could she be okay when she felt like this? 

He’d left her alone. Again. He hadn’t even touched her but he’d slept in her bed and she never thought Dan could be so cruel. She never thought he’d leave her with the barest hint of his scent, that if she hadn’t been awake she wouldn’t have known he was there. The ache spread through her chest and she tried to quiet her sobs but it hurt. It hurt so, so badly.

A cold shower soothed her puffy face, getting rid of some of the usual redness while makeup did the rest. She was dressed in her usual race day gear of shorts, vans, a McLaren polo, and a Dan hat on her head by the time there was a knock on her door, Michael standing there.

“Hey, I’m heading in with Dan and Blake now. He said you’re going in with his family in an hour?” Another cut in her heart. More space between them. But she schooled her face into a smile, hoping Michael would believe everything was fine.

“Yeah. I said I wanted as much time with the kids as possible, it’s fine.  See you there?”

“See you there.”

Michael was a couple of metres away from her when she stepped into the hall, grabbing her room key from the slot just inside the door.

“Michael?” He turned and she half jogged, pulling him into a tight hug.

“What’s this for?”

“Haven’t seen you as much. You know you’re my brother, right? How lucky I am to have you as my family?”

“You’re the most annoying little sister Ems, but you’re my little sister. I’ve missed having you around.”

“Miss you too.”

She watched him walk away as step one of her goodbyes was done. The next was to go to breakfast with everyone and pretend that things were normal for the next few hours until the race was over. She could do it. She had to.

Breakfast with the extended Ricciardo clan was fun, Isabella still clinging to her and Isaac insisting on sitting beside her. She soaked up every moment she got with them, walking out to the car Dan had arranged holding Isabella on her hip.

“That’ll be you in a few years,” Michelle commented as Em struggled with the car seat buckle before getting it right. “The mother, not the cool aunt. We can swap places.”

Another stab to her already mangled heart. “I dunno. Wait and see, but I’m not sure that’s on the cards any time soon.” Considering the only man she wanted to have a child with didn’t want to be with her, it was a no.

You’ll be a good mother, Em. Plus you’ll have loads of family around.” She wanted to scream that she was leaving her family behind for good this afternoon but instead she just smiled tightly. It was too close to home. She couldn’t keep this conversation going. It hurt.

The race matched her mood. The strategy wasn’t good, the car was a tractor, and the oblique team orders to not let Dan try overtake Lando made her want to scream. The team points would be the same, but no. Not for his home race even. The crowd were amazing and let out loud cheers every time the orange car made its way around the circuit, but it wasn’t enough and Em knew it. It hurt. Her last time at a Grand Prix, her last time cheering for the man she was so deeply in love with, and the team and car had let him down again.

The plan was already to delay debrief till Monday so Dan got to spend time with his family, and Em decided to head to the airport nearly immediately. She couldn’t stay any longer. She couldn’t deal with any more hints from Michelle about a niece or nephew in the future, couldn’t listen to Grace or Joe talking about how much they’d missed her. She couldn’t spend more time with Blake and Michael without wanting to break down and tell them that they had changed her life and she wouldn’t make them choose between her and Dan.

Because that was what it came down to. She was the last one in this group that was all united by their love of Daniel Ricciardo. She was the one who loved him so deeply it hurt, the one who loved every single member of the group to the moon and to Saturn. And she loved them so much she couldn’t bear to have them walk away from her. Because that was what would happen.

Her own blood family didn’t choose her. They saw her as a disgrace, as a failure because she was thirty one years old, unmarried and without kids. They didn’t realise that she was the one who kept Dan on schedule, who organised sponsor events and filtered out the crap he and Blake didn’t need to know about. She stopped the balls from falling out of the sky. Because she was just an assistant.

And if the people who gave birth to her wouldn’t choose her, she knew the family she’d built wouldn’t either. She was never the one who was chosen, and she didn’t blame them. She was just Emma. Danny was Dan. She knew who she’d pick if given a quarter of a chance.

She’d just finished packing when the adjoining door opened, Dan walking in already speaking but stopping when he saw the case by the door, her carry on full with the edge of the orange poster getting folded in.

“Where are you going?” His tone was accusatory and she steeled herself for the argument.

“Home.”

“Emmy…”

“Don’t Emmy me, Daniel! You know I have to go back for the anniversary.” She turned to look at him, watching as confusion turned to anger.

“And I also know that’s bullshit. I’ve known you for how many years, Em? You’ve visited your parents twice. Michael was with you one of those times, the visit lasted twenty minutes and even he didn’t have anything nice to say about it. Michael. Who has a good thing to say about almost everyone. So tell me the truth, why are you leaving now? Why not get on the flight with us tomorrow?”

“Because I have to go back.”

“Don’t lie to me Em!” He raised his voice and Em gave as good as she got, staring back at him.

“You want the truth, Dan? All of it?”

“Yes! That’s all I want, it’s all I’ve ever wanted with you.”

She took a deep breath, staring into his brown eyes for the last time, soaking in that even so angry he was so beautiful. She’d had the privilege of sleeping with him for nearly four years, of loving him for three. Whoever got to do that next would be so incredibly lucky.

“You left me alone. The one thing I ever asked of you, the only thing I ever asked you to promise me was to never leave me alone. I begged you. Whatever was going on, whatever was happening with us, please don’t leave me alone. And then there were bombs flying and I watched one explode and you made me get into a car and leave. You made me stay alone, and you didn’t come back to me that night. I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know if you were even alive because I didn’t have my fucking phone until the next morning and all the news was in Arabic. You were gone to the track before I knew what had happened. You left. You broke your promise, Daniel.”

“I didn’t have a choice!” It was the worst thing he could have said.

“But Blake and Michael got to stay. Angela stayed with Lewis, don’t try to lie to me and tell me she didn’t. Britta stayed with Seb. You sent me away, Dan. I was sobbing and begging you to stay and you made Blake drive me away. You made me leave when I was scared.” She let her words sink into him fully. “Just leave. Get out of this room and leave.”

“Emmy…” His voice was soft and she blinked back the tears she knew she wanted to cry. Not until the airport. Not until then.

“GET OUT DAN!” She yelled at him for the first time, shock on his face. “JUST LEAVE! It’s what you’ve been doing this whole weekend, just leave.”

“Fine. Fine. If that’s what you want, I’m fucking gone. I’m done here, I’m gone. I’ll be downstairs in five for you to say goodbye to everyone.” She watched him walk through the adjoining door and lock it as Em’s heart completely broke in two. She’d ruined it. He was done. He was gone. He was leaving and she was going and she would never speak to him again because her Daniel wasn’t hers anymore. One person down, eight to go.

She brought her bags down to the lobby alone, everyone standing there waiting to say goodbye. Michael got a hug, she’d said everything she needed to earlier that day. Blake was beside him, wrapping her in a full body giant one and holding her tight.

“You know I love you, don’t you? I really love you.” Blake grinned and pulled her close again.

“Love you too, Ems. Moving beside you was the best decision I ever made.”

Saying goodbye to Michelle and Adam was hugs and whispers of seeing them for Christmas when she knew it was a lie. Grace pulled her into a hug that only a mother figure could, whispering in her ear.

“We’re coming over for Silverstone and yours and Dan’s birthdays, so we’ll see you then. We love you Em. If you need anything I’m only a FaceTime away. Don’t let them get you down when you’re with your family.”

“I love you too, Grace.”

Joe got a hug and a murmured love you, his hand patting her back soothingly. The kids were last, sulking as Em squatted down in front of them.

“So I got my angels a present to say goodbye, cause I know I didn’t get to see you lots. Want to see them?” There were identical nods and Em strapped the bracelets on, Isaac’s on a black cord and Isabella’s on a purple one.

“It matches the one I made you and Uncle Dan,” Isabella murmured as Em pulled her into a tight hug.

“It does. It’s a reminder that I love you both so very, very much. No matter how far away we are, I’m always going to love you, okay? Don’t ever, ever forget that. Pinkie promise me?” She held out her little fingers, laughing as they both enthusiastically took part in the ritual. She pulled them in for a final hug, pressing kisses to both of their heads.

“See you on winter break!” Isaac grinned as he spoke, Em putting a tight smile on her face. 

“We call it summer break, but I’ll see what we have to do then buddy.”

“Do you want a lift to the airport? I’ve got the rental?” Joe asked but Em shook her head.

“Nah, I’m good. I’ve got an Uber coming, I just want to get on the road. It’s hard enough to say goodbye to everyone I can’t drag it out much longer.”

“Fair. Love you, kiddo.”

“Love you too, Joe.” Her phone buzzed with the notification that her driver was there and she started towards the door. Dan still hadn’t come down and that was it. He didn’t love her. He didn’t feel anything like how she did because no matter what he’d said, he’d never make her leave. But she made him leave. He was gone.

She was almost at the door when an oh too familiar voice called across the lobby, running up to them. 

“I didn’t think you’d be leaving already.”

“My Uber’s outside, I need to leave.”

“Oh.” There was none of their usual hugs, none of the subtle kisses he pushed to the top of her head when they were separated. He didn’t even squeeze her fingers. It was like they were strangers. “Send a text when you get to London?”

“Yeah, sure.”

She turned to get her luggage into the car, shielding her face from everyone with her hair. The driver lifted it in and she was soon safely ensconced in the back seat, tears falling down her cheeks as she waved goodbye behind partially tinted glass.

“Was that Daniel Ricciardo?” The driver asked, Em forcing a smile.

“Yeah, I work with him.” It was true for another five hours at least.

“He seems like a good guy.”

“He’s one of the best.”

Tears streamed down Em’s cheeks the entire way to the airport, through the fancy check in area and security, and following her into her first class pod. She mostly ignored the staff apart from nodding at them, continuing to cry and wipe her eyes on tissues. The tears barely stopped until Dubai, only aided by Blake’s near constant texts as soon as her email sent.

She knew when she arrived in London that she had about twelve hours before the boys landed, Blake texting even while he was on his flights. She sent a I got back safely, receiving another flurry of responses.

Em, what’s this email about?

What’s going on?

Tell me you didn’t mean to send this

Is it the travel? Do you want to slow down? Why?

Ems we need you. How am I supposed to tell everyone you’re not coming with us anymore? Did you meet someone? Did something happen?

We’re about to land in Heathrow. Dan’s going to his place and looks miserable. I’ll be at your door in less than two hours.

When she got the final text Em grabbed the bags she’d hastily packed with clothes and the things she needed for the next eight days until the boys had left London for Imola. The address of the last minute airbnb was in her email, getting an Uber to it handy. She was long gone by the time Blake arrived, sitting in her temporary home for the next while and planning what she had to do. They’d leave England on the Wednesday, she had five days to empty her flat.

It started with an email to her landlord to give up the lease. Her family reasons excuse was accepted quickly, the landlord told she had to leave London and the apartment would be vacant from the end of the month. After that she had to start planning on where to go to.

There were too many memories in London. Nearly every street reminded her of Dan, of days walking around hand in hand to show him her London, not the tourist one he knew. The city she’d moved to at eighteen with a dream and a student loan and where she’d discovered who she was. Dan was everywhere in the city for her - memories of their first kiss in the pub she’d spent too many hours in, museums she’d dragged him to, streets he’d stolen a kiss from her at with a grin and a chuckle when they were waiting to cross the road. The cafes and greasy spoons she’d brought him to with the promise of not telling Michael. She couldn’t stay there, it was too much.

But everywhere she thought of had memories of him. Filthy weekends away when they were at home because of covid, eating out to help out and driving to Manchester or Glasgow to spend time together and have hotel sex. The midlands were completely out because of Silverstone, of memories of Enstone and the Renault factory, of Milton Keynes and his goodbye from Red Bull.

The only big city she could think of without a memory of Dan - with only one memory of her boys - was Liverpool. Which meant her parents. Which meant a conversation she never wanted to have. Calling her mother wasn’t like calling Grace. But she didn’t have Grace in her life anymore, so she had to do it.

“Emma, what country do you deign to call us from today?” Her mother answered the phone, disdain dripping from every word.

“Good morning, Mother. I’m in England. I was calling because I need to ask for a favour from you.”

“Yes?”

Em swallowed, teeing up words on her too thick tongue. “I had to leave my job, they didn’t have the funding to keep me on. I was wondering if I could move home for a few weeks while I’m applying for new jobs. I want to leave motorsports, there’s too much travelling and I want to settle down.” She hit every keyword that her mother had as she checked her bank account balance, spotting her final pay deposited in the account. It was more than healthy thanks to travelling so much for work and Dan covering that under work expenses. But she needed to be sensible, and renting somewhere without a job would be a mistake.

“You can. You will need to pay rent while you’re here.”

“Of course. Just let me know how much. It wont be for long, it’s just a few weeks. It’ll be like I won’t even be there, if I’m not interviewing I’ll be in my bedroom.”

“Fine. Let me know when you plan to arrive.” She sounded bored of the conversation already.

“I’ll be back April twenty fourth. I can send you the train details then.

“See you then.”

The difference between the call with her mother and a call with Grace just cut the wound in her chest even harder. Grace never let a call end without a million “I love you”s between them. She made sure that Em spoke to everyone in the family, and if Joe was out at the garage she took a message and told Em that he loved her. Instead her mother hadn’t even asked if Em wanted to leave a message for her father.

It felt so, so wrong.

The list of things she had to do before the boys left for Italy was beginning to shrink, but there was still so much to do. She ignored Blake and Michael’s texts, refusing to even open them. The chats were archived so the red dots didn’t irritate her. Dan didn’t send her anything at all, yet more proof that he meant everything he said in Melbourne. He was done with her. She didn’t realise that emotional pain could hurt this much. She’d never believed in soulmates, never believed in fate. She always thought that if a relationship ended she’d get through it. But now? This not quite a relationship over? It ached to her core.

Friday morning she had an appointment with a solicitor, walking in with a tear stained sheet of what she wanted to leave to different people. She’d always fought with Dan about being prepared if something happened to him, not wanting to know what he left her. She was one of the two people who could decide what medical treatment he got if he couldn’t consent. She’d cried when he told her that day in Spa when they got that tragic news what he wanted if he was in a crash like that. That he trusted her to not let him stay on machines. Some of her nightmares included his plaintive “I don’t want false hope” that made her ache.

She didn’t trust her parents to not do the same for her. They’d keep her hooked up to machines for as long as possible, they’d insist it was for “hope”. Em didn’t know what hope, but she knew them. They’d barely spoken for five years apart from occasional texts and birthday cards, they didn’t have the right to decide what happened to her.

It was a blustery Friday morning when she walked into that office and signed the papers to say Daniel Ricciardo, Blake Friend, and Michael Italiano were the people who decided what would happen if she couldn’t make her own medical decisions. She gave the lawyer the makeshift will that was handwritten and tearstained. It was simple - her cookbooks and exercise equipment to Michael because he was always trying to adapt her recipes. All but one piece of her furniture to Blake. Her CDs and DVDs to Dan, along with the coffee table he kept falling over. Her collection of Dan’s raceworn helmets to Isaac and Isabella. Dan, Grace, and Michelle were to divide her jewellery between them based on who wanted what. The rest of her belongings were to be sold and the money put in Isaac and Isabella’s college funds. It was too easy.

Even after everything that had happened, even after walking away, she trusted her boys more than she trusted anyone else in the world.

After all of that her final task was to organise her storage unit and movers. That was easiest of all if Em was honest. A call to a moving company who agreed to put everything in the unit without her there, and walking into a storage company. She signed a two year contract and paid the full rent then and there, surprising the man at the counter. Now she was able to disappear.

The texts kept coming from Blake and Michael. WhatsApp and iMessage, even a signal account she’d forgotten she had on her phone. Michael sent her instagram DMs so she deleted the app instead of trying to avoid reading them and appearing online. But finally it was Wednesday and she knew exactly when the boys were flying out of London City Airport. She’d organised the private flight for them, booked the plane and made sure the flight was as clean as possible. As soon as they’d take off her plan could start.

Walking back into her apartment felt too normal, just checking her post and finding it mostly full of letters from Blake. Get in touch, we’re worried, we miss you. Sentiments she knew he’d share but it would be easy for him to forget about her. The letters went out in recycling and she began to pack up her life.

The boxes were settled easily. Storage, donating, and Dan’s stuff. The ones for him filled quickly, clothes and accessories and things he’d left lying around the apartment that had become theirs instead of just hers. It took three boxes to get rid of the sense of him.

The storage boxes were easier, but the final thing she had to do at four that Sunday morning was decide what to do with her helmet wall. Ever since Monaco and his win, Dan had given her his race worn helmet for any new race design. She could name which race each of them was from, and in the middle was her Monza win one. McLaren had wanted it for the MTC but Dan refused to give it over, insisting it was his and he was keeping it. They got the trophy so he got the helmet. And then he put it in the middle of the IKEA shelves that they’d spent a weekend putting together and laughing.

Part of her - a large part if she was truly honest - wanted to donate them. Get rid of them for the clean break she insisted she needed. But she couldn’t. They were the good parts of the last four years, the best part of her life and the reminder that for years she got to love Daniel Ricciardo and travel the world with her best friends. Once she was settled somewhere she’d put them all back up to get her and explain to whoever asked that she was a part of Formula One for a short while, and it meant so much to her.

It took longer than she expected to get them wrapped carefully and boxed away. Two just about fit in one box, but they were light at least. When they were carefully labelled with the races, a tear falling from her eye when she wrote Monaco 2018 on a box in looping letters, she sat down to write notes to her boys. They deserved more than a resignation email and leaving without saying goodbye but if she saw them in person she wouldn’t walk away. She was barely strong enough to do that the first time. Em couldn’t do it again.

Dan’s took the longest. It started with anger. How could you make me love you when you didn’t love me back scrawled angrily, tears staining the lined pages as she wrote everything. But she couldn’t give it to him how she’d written it. She couldn’t deliberately hurt him. It wasn’t Dan’s fault that she’d fallen in love with a man who couldn’t love her back the way she wanted him to love her. It was her fifth draft, still tear stained, that was the one she was giving him.

Danny,

I’m sorry I didn’t say this in person but I couldn’t do it. We both know that things between us haven’t been working for a while. It’s nobody’s fault. I guess we just wanted different things. It happens to us all. But we’re both done and writing this is easier than another long conversation and another fight.

Go be happy. I’ll cheer you on from wherever I end up, no matter what. You’ve changed so many lives, mine included. Thank you for the amazing years and experiences. You let me do things that so few people ever get to do and I can’t thank you enough for that.

Emma

Michael and Blake’s were harder and easier. She only needed one attempt at them, trying to wipe the tears before they fell.

Blakey,

I’m sorry for leaving like this. I’m sorry for leaving you in the lurch, but I made sure that everything logistically is booked until the summer break. Just get him where he needs to be on time, you were always better at that than me.

I love you. You’re my big brother and i wasn’t going to make you choose between me and Dan, that was never going to be fair. I’ll be happy and I want you to be happy too. Find a girl and settle down or bring her around the world. I’m rooting for you the entire time.

Will you make sure everyone in the paddock knows I love them? Tell Chloe and Scotty to get their wedding planned. Chloe will be the most beautiful bride and I’m so sorry I won’t get to see her in person. Scotty will look ok, I guess.

Thank you for everything.

Love,

Ems

PS - the extra key is for my storage unit. A1 Storage in Wimbledon. Figured you’d be a good person to have it.

She folded Blake’s letter into an envelope and labelled it before writing the last one. Somehow this was the hardest, having to ask Michael to do what she couldn’t.

Mike,

I’m sorry for leaving and I’m sorry for asking you to pass a message on but I know you will. I love you so much. You made lockdown bearable even when I was being a bitch, and you made me actually enjoy exercising you cruel man.

Tell everyone that I love them and I’m sorry? You let me know exactly what a family is and how I deserve to be loved and that’s something I can never thank you enough for. Ever. I can’t make people decide between me and Dan. He wins every time and that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s easier if I just leave.

Tell Grace and Joe I love them and I will forever be grateful for their love and support. Let Michelle know that she’s the best big sister ever. Please make sure that Isaac and Isabella know that I love them no matter what. It’s not their fault I left and I will always love them. Whoever gets to be their auntie is the luckiest person in the world and I wish it got to be me.

Tell all your family I love them, and ti voglio bene to Nadia and your Nana. I love you all so much, and I’m cheering you all on from wherever I end up.

Love,

Em

When the movers came she handed them the key to the storage unit, letting them know what to do. Everything was out of the apartment in a few moments and Em took a last look around her almost empty apartment. The memories were suffocating. Dan tripping over the coffee table, the London lockdown when they got back from Australia and they lied to Michael about what the yoga mat’s primary purpose was. The way Dan danced with her in the dark kitchen, distracting her from finding food for them in the fridge and getting them to sway in the silence. The kisses and living together like he loved her the same way she loved him.

He’d been blowing up her voicemail since Wednesday and she deleted them I listened to. The first “Emmy” hurt her too much, so she decided to practice self preservation for once. As soon as her voicemail said “you have an unlistened to voicemail from Dan” it was deleted. The same with Blake and Michael. She couldn’t do it.

Finally it was time to leave, and she carried Dan’s boxes one at a time into Blake’s apartment. The three were stacked one atop the other, the letters on top of them. Em stared at her thumb, at the moon ring that had been there since Dan bought it for her calling her his moon on dark nights. She couldn’t bear to take off the three necklace hanging on her chest, but this she had to leave behind. She wasn’t his moon, and he was too bright to be her sun.

She slipped it off and rubbed her finger against the warm gold, pushing a kiss to it before stepping back. The final thing she needed to do was leave the envelope with her medical power papers and will on Blake’s coffee table before she locked the front door and slipped his keys in his post box. It was done. She was gone.

The tube to Euston was quicker than expected and she joined the trek to the Liverpool train, settling into her seat a few minutes before they were due to pull out. Her phone lit up with a notification that the race was about to start, illuminating the photo from lockdown of her and Dan holding Isaac and Isabella. They looked like a family. Em unlocked her phone and pushed her thumb firmly down on the F1 app to delete it. A clean break.

The train pulled off exactly at two, her mind echoing Crofty’s “lights out and away we go”. Dan was in the car and racing and all she wanted was a good points finish for him. But she couldn’t check. She couldn’t let herself find out what he was doing.

Her tears fell harder as the train pulled into Milton Keynes, the memories of the last time she’d done this train journey as Dan’s plus one. His leaving Red Bull party, staying in a hotel with him the week before they flew to Perth for Christmas. It was the only time she’d gotten to visit the impressive Red Bull factory. Meeting Max properly, Christian cornering her with his wife - and keeping her cool around Geri fucking Halliwell - to ask if she could convince Dan to come back. Getting whisked away from Helmut quickly when he tried to speak to her, meeting the mechanics and team that she’d seen at several races properly for once. Yet another place she could never visit again because all she’d think about was Dan.

Em made herself stop crying shortly after, pushing a cold bottle of water to her eyes. She couldn’t be red eyed or puffy seeing her parents. It was bad enough returning with her tail between her legs. She didn’t know if she’d survive the I told you so.

*

When Dan got out of the car in Imola he knew what he had to do. His first stop was being weighed and getting his slip, Mike pushing one of those AG1 drinks into his hand to down to get electrolytes and water back into him. After that it was media rounds, apologising to Carlos, and doing media. Once the debrief was finished it was London. He needed to get to Emmy. For the second time he’d gotten on a plane when he should have been with her and he needed to apologise. Needed to make things right.

“The jet will be ready when we finish? I need to get back to London tonight.” Michael handed him a McLaren branded shirt and pair of skinny jeans to put on once he was out of the shower.

“It’ll be ready. Mate, you need to know that she might not want—“

“She’ll see me. It’s Em. She’s my Emmy. She’s going to see me and I’m going to tell her everything. I can’t do this without her. I can’t. I dunno how I did it before.”

“Ok. Go shower and head out.”

The debrief was painful. Lando on the fucking podium, Dan last. They wrote off his technical debrief after the collision. It was clear Dan couldn’t have done anything, and the rest of his race was nothing to write home about. He should have just retired. It was shit and he just had to listen to how Lando had a flawless race and was extracting the most out of the tractor McLaren had built. He had to wait until it was over, half listening and taking notes while stewing.

All he could think about was Emmy. He hadn’t reached out because he thought she needed space, wanted time. He’d had the fucking ring in his pocket in the hotel room and then they’d fought and he couldn’t exactly get on one knee and ask her to marry him after that. But now she was gone and she’d been gone for weeks and he didn’t know. He needed her to be ok. He needed to go home and see her on the couch and beg for her forgiveness because he was hers. His apartment was so fucking lonely, driving in and out of the factory without seeing her. Without going to sleep curled up beside her and waking up with the fairy lights glowing as she read whatever dog eared book she was rereading that month.

The voicemails were being listened to. Her inbox went from full to empty and he kept texting, determined to get through to her. Needing her to talk to him. To say anything at all. People kept asking where she was, he laughed it off and gave the excuse of family stuff. Natalie had nodded and said she hoped Em would be back soon. Chloe had looked at him oddly when she heard the excuse but he shrugged and moved on. The elder Stroll could be terrifying and he didn’t want to get on her bad side. Not even Scotty could save him from that.

There was nothing he could do but wait to be freed. The moment they were able to break - after Dan apologised to the mechanics for the job they’d have to do on the car - he was on his way to the driver room. Blake and Michael were already there with bags packed and ready to go.

It was a two hour flight to London and they landed at nine. After forcing their way through traffic in a black cab it was after nine thirty by the time they arrived at Blake and Em’s building. Dan stepped out of the car and grabbed his bags, heading straight upstairs to the two identical doors. He didn’t realise when it became more normal to stand in front of Em’s door than Blakes, but it had years before. He knocked twice to no response.

“Em? I’ve got my key, I’m coming in.”

The lock turned easily with the familiar key and Dan set his bags down to flick the light switch. What he saw terrified him.

The room was empty. The couch that killed his back, the coffee table his shins hated, gone. The bookshelves and the kitchen table they’d spent a lockdown day building, gone. Her helmet collection was missing. Em had once told him that if the building went on fire she would save whichever helmets she could. If they were gone, she was gone.

He ran to her bedroom but everything was missing. The fairy lights they’d taped up with double sided tape. Her bed. The throw cushions he laughed about. Even the case at the bottom of her wardrobe with the lingerie he’d bought her was gone. Her pink boots weren't there. It was like nobody had lived there for years. He couldn’t even smell her perfume in the air.

“Dan?” He hadn’t realised tears were streaming down his face when he turned to see his best mates standing in the doorway. “Mate, you need to see this.”

He followed them back to Blakes, pausing to lock Emmy’s front door. She had to come back. The idea that she wouldn’t come back was impossible.

Until he saw the boxes.

Three of them, neatly stacked almost up to Blake’s chest. There were three envelopes on them, and a glint of gold on top of one. He nearly ran to it, ignoring the post race soreness going through his body to see the ring he’d given her sitting on top of the one neatly labelled Daniel.

She’d used his first name. Emmy never used his first name unless something was wrong. He’d fucked up so badly that he didn’t want to open it.

Instead he held the ring firmly in his palm, the metal cold against his hand. She was there. She had been there and now she was gone and he didn’t know what to do. But instead he followed what Blake and Michael had done and opened his letter.

It was how impersonal it was that killed him. Em was done. She’d be fine. Thanking him for bringing her around the world and letting her work with him. She didn’t want another fight and she thought he was done with her.

She didn’t love him like he loved her and for a brief moment that made him want to die. The moments they’d shared, the times they’d said they loved each other. The times he’d held her and traced I love you down her back or against her clit when he was eating her out, desperate for her to know but too afraid to say it. The 'y’know, right?'. Everything from the last nearly four years. None of it had ever mattered because she wouldn’t have married him. He had her ring in his fucking ever present backpack and thank God he hadn’t tried to propose because she’d have said no and he’d have been humiliated.

“I guess you were right. Buying the ring was a mistake.”

His choked voice broke the silence, but it was Michael who got the next sentence in, cutting off Blake’s question about the ring.

“Mate, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“She doesn’t love me like I love her. I was wrong. I just got my heart broken so please, don’t rub it in right now?”

“Did you read any of what she wrote?”

“Yeah. She’s done. She thanked me for letting her travel with us. Like she didn’t earn her place. She signed it Emma. I was wrong, ok? I was wrong and I can’t take you rubbing it the fuck in when I think Im gonna break.”

“What happened? Because the two of you were fine in Bahrain, and then after Saudi she disappeared and skipped Perth, and she was barely in Melbourne. What happened with you?” Blake was the one who asked, Dan flopping on the couch beside him. He held out his much shorter letter for them to read.

“Things were weird when we got back after Christmas. Then we had covid and got through it. And Saudi fucking happened. With everything going on and keeping her safe I didn’t see her till after the race and she was already leaving. And in Melbourne we… We had a fight.” The memories of what he’d said were circling again, the anger between them, Em telling him to leave again. Him walking away.

“We thought that much. You didn’t even hug her goodbye.”

“She told me to leave!”

“In self preservation.” Michael’s voice was low and Dan was almost afraid of his best friend. “She said she didn’t want to make us choose between you and her, that she knew we’d pick you. So she left. I have to tell your fucking family she’s gone, by the way. She asked me to. So you’re going to tell me everything that’s happened between the two of you and we’re going to fix this. What the fuck did you do?”

He wanted to be annoyed that he was being blamed but he couldn’t blame the boys. So he let everything out.

He told them about wanting to kiss her in Blake’s that first night, of Monaco and their agreement that it was over once she left Monaco. Coffee and Silverstone and her birthday drinks. Spa and I love you when they were faced with the reality of what could happen with his job again. Em begging him to never leave her behind, that no matter what he wouldn’t leave her alone. Her dick of an ex who’d destroyed her self-esteem and meant she lost her friends. The meaning of 'Y’know, right?', the phrase that had been their mantra since 2019. That he hadn’t slept with anyone else since he’d met her because he just knew she was supposed to be his. That he’d bought the ring when they spent Christmas 2020 together but was just waiting for the right moment. And then in Saudi she’d been sobbing and he sent her away. He made Blake take her away from him. From them. He’d broken his fucking promise and again in Australia he walked away when he should have stayed in that room.

She’d picked the fight. She’d picked it so she’d be left alone and leave and the realisation of how well she fucking knew him hurt so much. She knew him like the palm of her hand and for a minute he forgot about it.

“Let me get this straight. You’ve known just how shit her family is for longer than any of us, and I’m the only one who’s actually met them. She asked for exactly one thing from you which was don’t leave her alone. And in Saudi, one of the countries she’s most scared of being away from us for any length of time, you made her go back to the hotel and stay there on her own. She begged you to stay and was sobbing and you left her to cry when she asked you to stay? I could fucking punch you right now.” He nodded at Michael’s words, shame filling every cell in his body.

“You made us leave her alone.” Blake spoke and Dan thought he was going to be sick. “In Melbourne. The morning of the race. 'Em’s going with my parents. She wants family time.' She didn’t know she was going with them, did she? Why?”

“She… I… No. We weren’t ok. I didn’t know if I could be in the car with her. Not after that night.”

“What happened?”

“I… Fuck. She kept the door between our rooms locked that whole week. But Saturday night it wasn’t locked. I had a habit of just trying it, just in case. It was open and I went in. I just lay down on the edge of the bed and watched her sleep for a while before falling asleep. I left before she woke up. She didn’t know, she was asleep the whole time.”

“You think our Ems was asleep for a full night before a fucking race? Are you an idiot? Did you get brain damage in that crash today? She doesn’t fucking sleep! You slept in the same bed as her for four fucking years and you don't know that? She’s into me for melatonin every damn night because she can’t sleep worrying about you. She was awake that entire night and you left her without saying a goddamn word and then you abandoned her again. Again, Dan. Don’t tell me you did something stupid and cheated on her like her fucking ex.”

“I never cheated. I haven’t touched another woman.” The thought made him sick. “I’m not that asshole. You know I’m not.”

“I don’t mean to be funny Dan. She lived beside me for nearly five years. She’s my friend. And now her apartment is for rent, your shit is here, and she’s told us all goodbye and to give messages to the people she loves. So you might not have cheated on her, but you broke her. It took us four years to help Em feel like herself again and put her pieces back together and you broke her.” Blake was opening another envelope mixed in with the post on his coffee table that Em had left in as he spoke, eyes widening slightly. Before he could get the words out Michael had to.

“You’re telling your family, by the way.” His voice was solid, a way Dan had never heard before. “She asked me to tell them but I can’t. I can’t break those kids hearts and tell them their auntie Emmy loves them forever but she can’t see them again. I can’t tell your sister that she’s lost a sister, and I can’t tell your parents that you ran off the woman they want you to marry. That the woman your mum teaches family recipes to had to leave, because you fucked up that much. You know she’s their second daughter, right? Even before whatever the fuck you’ve been doing started they adored her. From Monaco. Em’s lost the only decent mother she’s ever had because of you. She didn’t want to make us choose but if she was here right now I’d choose her over you any day.”

“If you think she doesn’t love you, read this.” Blake held out a package of papers, Dan skimming them.

Everyone in his line of work was familiar with leaving a will behind. The fucking academies basically demanded it at this point. He’d put Emmy on his own medical power of attorney form after Spa, told her what he was leaving her when she was ready for that conversation after Roman nearly died in Bahrain. 

But Emma wasn't racing cars every weekend, so she didn't need the papers she signed. She didn't need to leave a will behind, but his name was there to make decisions for Em. She’d left him specific things. The cold fear snaked up his spine, tightening around his lungs and making it hard to breathe.

“She wouldn’t. She won’t do anything stupid. It’s Em, she wouldn’t.” The words came out as a rush but certain. She wouldn’t hurt herself. God, he couldn’t live with himself if she did.

“It’s probably just a precaution. But Jesus Christ, Dan. She’s gone. We have no idea where she is, we don’t even know what country she’s in. We don’t know what kind of head start she has and with the amount of frequent flier miles she has she could be anywhere. We can probably cross off here and Australia, but that doesn’t take away much.” 

“I need to leave.” Dan turned to see Michael pick up his bag. “I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk. I’ll email you workout plans. She’s my fucking sister, Dan. She’s my little sister and I trusted you knew what you were doing with her. She said goodbye to me and I didn’t even know. You… I can’t look at you right now. I’m this close to quitting too because I don’t know you anymore. The Dan I grew up with? He would have said something. He wouldn’t make the woman he kept saying he was going to make his wife run away. He wouldn’t make her feel unloved. Just work out what you’re going to do. I’ll be on the plane to Miami but I don’t know if I’ll see you before then.” Dan watched as his oldest friend, the man he’d known since primary school, who’d supported him through thick and thin, walked out of the apartment into the London night.

“She’s gone. She’s really gone and she’s not coming back. I… I have to find her, Blake. I can’t do this without her.”

“You need to work out what you’re doing. You need to tell your family she’s gone. You need to do your job. We’re all hurting right now and yeah your heart is breaking. But its my job to do tough love and tell you that you need to work first and then think about her.” He stared at Blake in shock. “I’m pissed. But work first. Em somehow managed to take everything off my plate when she was leaving, because she didn’t want to make things hard on me. Go home, Dan. I have to call Chloe Stroll and tell her Em’s not coming back.”

“Not yet. Please. Let me f—“

“I’m telling her. You can hide it from the media, from your family, whatever. Chloe is Em’s best friend outside us. Do you really think she hasn’t tried calling Em already? Really?” Dan nodded once. “Go home. Your place, not the empty apartment next door you called home. Go home and get your shit together. Em would kill you if you fucked up a race over her.”

Dan got an Uber on his phone, taking his bags downstairs along with his letter from Em. He slipped the moon ring onto his little finger, settling it just above the sun. He needed her back. He just didn’t know how to find her.

[yumantimatter]

Death-Neutral Antideathism

[epistemic status: a statement of personal philosophy. questions and responses welcome, but please argue the tractability of ending death with people who are more invested in it as a goal than I am]

I'm pretty normie for an anti-death transhumanist. I haven't signed up for cryonics and don't plan to unless it gets way cheaper and better, I donate neartermist, I have pierced ears and zero other body mods, etc etc.

I still consider myself a part of the movement, because it's straightforward and obvious to me that if people don't want to die they shouldn't have to, and if they want to change their bodies and minds they should get to.

Personally I'm fine with dying someday. I think I am going to grow up into an old person who has had plenty of experiences and is comfortable with not having many more of them. If I found out today that I had a terminal illness, I would rather spend my time and money on fulfilling my bucket list and leaving my loved ones good memories (and donate the rest) than in the hospital desperately trying out low-probability treatments. (See my opinion on cryo)

(Then again, I certainly wouldn't turn down a miracle cure! Or a known, tested treatment with a decent chance of getting me through! Or something that was unlikely to work but low financial and opportunity cost to try! This is also the same as my opinion on cryo)

I don't view death as bad inherently. It's just a change of state, if one that's uniquely impactful in its irreversibility and all-encompassing scope. I don't agree that people dying is always a great screaming moral emergency, that death is a yawning horror for anyone who looks at it clearly, or that we are all fooling ourselves. For me, the way modern culture treats death is actually a pretty good match to how I feel about dying.

But, um, *gestures at anti-deathists more broadly* *gestures at all the people who do try any possible treatment for their terminal illness* *gestures at the instinctive struggle for self preservation when it would be so much less effort to stop* It sure seems like there's a lot of not wanting to die going around! And it sure seems like a horrible idea to just ignore that!

People who make peace with their eventual death even though they'd prefer to live longer are fine, and not making a mistake. People who make a thought-out choice to die or to risk their lives for other goals are fine, and not making a mistake. And people who desperately want to live, who cling on to cryo and fund anti-aging and search for any possible means of continuing on, are also fine and not making a mistake.

I think death is bad for the many many many people who want to continue living, or decide to live, or endorse being alive, and who die anyway. A natural death after a long fulfilling life isn't an exception to that. This is the part where I do wholeheartedly agree with the standard anti-death talking points, and want them to become more mainstream. That competing perspective which validates the desire to not die, and which spurs people into looking for ways to do something about it, is vitally important for the sake of people who don't work like me.

Maybe this is just a long winded way of saying I'm a preference utilitarian (ish) who takes weird and hard-to-fulfill preferences seriously? If so, I'm happy to take up that flag. Weird-preference-fulfillmentism all the way!

(I haven't even brought up the transhumanism, which I support on the same lines - I don't think my position there is particularly unusual in these parts though, seeing as this is the transgender website.)

For now, I am in coalition with the anti-deathists. And I will keep being in coalition with them, until and unless the world shifts far enough to count my viewpoint as neutral.

[elliespuns]

What is your perspective on tlou2 being inspired by the Israel-Palestine conflict? It didn't register with me at first but I've gotten too attached to the characters by the time that I discovered it and it is genuinely disappointing HOWEVER I have separated their narratives from the political dimension of the game by just focusing solely on the individual emotional journeys that each of the characters go through and I never really bought the games myself first hand except get them second hand but is it still wrong to adore the characters?

Not happy about it. I mean, who would be?

I wasn't aware of it at first either; it just didn't click, and then I started seeing the rumors, and well, it all made sense. I am disappointed. Not at all for Neil Druckmann, though. I don't really care about him (except for his amazing mind, where he created Ellie and Joel, the only fictional characters that I've got to love so much). What I am disappointed in more is that almost everyone thinks that once you continue to love this game, you support the evil too. Which is not how I feel about it.

But then again, does even my opinion matter? I've already got a lot of anon messages throwing hate on me for managing a blog about TLOU and supporting the evil. And I sit here and wonder... where did I ever say that I supported the bad side of the conflict? I don't think I ever did. Why? Because I don't talk about politics on this blog. This blog has been made to share love with all TLOU lovers, not to support Neil Druckmann or anyone else's political views or to even share about politics in general.

People are quick to judge. They go and preach to stand with Palestine and then go hate on the people who chose to stay quiet. People should realize that individuals managing fandom blogs and not sharing politics doesn't automatically mean that they support the evil. We (bloggers) have our own personal lives out of our blogs and our own personal accounts. Many of us are posting about the conflict on our personal social media. People should think about this before making bloggers feel like shit for managing silly blogs where they don't want to discuss what can be discussed elsewhere.

I have a deep bond with this game; I had it a long time ago before any of this was happening (everyone knows I will always prefer the first game over the second). This is not something I can just throw away. I have memories connected to it, feelings, emotions... it's not like I can tell myself 'fuck the game' now just because of the news I got. I guess it's easy for others when the bond is not so strong, but this game has been in a better part of my life for so long, and believe it or not... when I think about how Ellie and Joel make me happy, I don't have fucking Druckmann in mind or any of his political views.

I will never mix my admiration for this project with politics. Me not agreeing with Neil Druckmann's political views won't change the fact that I've already fallen in love with this game years ago. I am not loving Druckmann; I am loving something he once created. That is a big difference. Especially if you've already loved the game before the conflict.

I say, unless you're actively supporting the propaganda and throwing your money at it, you are not hurting anybody. You, being emotionally connected to the story of this propaganda's project or its characters won't really change a thing. Not for good, yes, but not for bad either.

Anyway, this is my opinion. I think people should stop judging those who are not sharing politics on their fandom blogs because they never know what these people share on their personal accounts. We are here to enjoy things that are free; love and joy for fictional characters we've adored for too long.

Sorry, I got a bit carried away. This is probably the only post about politics I'll share, so this needed to be said.

Anyway, you don't need to feel bad for loving the characters. You are not doing anything wrong. I think every one of us who still loves TLOU to this day is able to detach from the fact of who's behind the games. We're here for Ellie and Joel. They don't care about Druckmann either.elliespuns answers

[orikiys]

✿ ✿ 〞voicemails with hanbin

✰ pairings : bf!hanbin x gn!reader

✰ genre : romance + fluff + heavy angst

✰ synopsis : they say, regret is stronger than gratitude, and hanbin wished he would have said it all sooner. he was late, and there was no way he could turn back the time

✰ warnings : mentions of character death, grief, loss, angst, miscommunications and cursing, hallucinations, mentions of suicide, mentions of death as a joke

one 𖨂

"good morning my love, it's 4 a.m but who cares right? i knew you did, you cared for me so so much. but it's already been 127 days. 127 days of pure torture without you not being by my side. without you not baking your favorite cinammon rolls for us. i miss it. from your lame jokes to your cute little giggles. i watch your favorite movie regularly, i still buy myself two scoops of ice cream because i knew you loved the flavor yet you would hesitate to share, i still have your phone with me, and even though I keep sending these voicemails to you without any hope of receiving one back, i just hope wherever you are, you are happy. and safe. i've been dreaming of you again. it started a month ago and although, it seems so real, i know it's not true. you are so close to me, yet so so far my angel. these memories of us; will forever be with me. and no matter what, i won't stop loving you."

two 𖨂

"i'm back again my love, and it's currently day 200. your friends visited me yesterday and although it was to make each of us feel better, all we talked about is you. no one has forgetten you angel, no one. even the florist remembers you and one day he asked me where you were. i said that you've gone far away on your new journey, opening an entirely new book of your life. one which doesn't have me, maybe? our relationship was the most significant one in my life. you made me feel alive. but perhaps that doesn’t mean it was meant to be forever. our relationship, and you, have shaped me more than anything or anyone has or ever will. i am becoming the man i was intended to be. nothing will shake me again, and that’s all credit to the strength I’ve gained from the life I shared with you. thank you. thank you for teaching me how to love again, and thank you for loving me."

three 𖨂

"i'm angry. at you. i hate you for leaving me all alone in this world! i had no one except you! but why did you have to leave so early? couldn't you take me with you? couldn't we be the forever we always talked about? what about the cat we were planning on adopting? what about a cottage nearside the shore with mini you's and me? what about all of the promises you made? are you breaking them really? are you not going to come back ever? are you seriously leaving me during my worst?! i'm so sorry for not taking you to that concert of the group you loved, i'm very sorry for not doing couple skincare when you wanted. and i'm sorry for all the times i hurt you. please, just come back? i can't do this without you. you're my other half. my soulmate. just- let me see you once more, please? i want you in my arms, i want to look into your eyes when we kiss and i want to slow dance with you every evening. just come back. this is the only thing i want from you baby."

four 𖨂

baby, even this word feels so unfamiliar on my lips now. i haven't met anyone after you. there is no after. you were my one and only. and it ended the moment your hand dropped in the ambulance. i will never ever forget that day. that pale look on your face as your cried in my shoulder. but i could do nothing! absolutely nothing! i've never felt so useless in my life. i couldn't even save you, what kind of fiancé am i? we were going for trial of your wedding dresses and so suddenly you couldn't breathe. you told me, with tears running down your face as you grasped on me tightly. to do something. to do something that could save you. and i failed. i'm so fucking sorry love. i fucked up very bad, and i know it. but your friends, my friends, your parents, all of them tell me it wasn't my fault. but how could it not be when you said you knew that i would save you? you trusted me with your life! and i? let that trust go in vain. i don't think i'll ever forget, 13th of june, when i let you go."

five 𖨂

are you okay? are the other angels keeping my angel safe and happy? i hope they are. i hope you're not mad at me. you have all right to be, but there's a bit of hope in me that you might not be mad at me. please baby, just say something except for 'hi, this is yn. i'm currently unavailable please leave a message' i left you nearly 500 voicemails and all i ever receive is radio silence? it's not fair baby. it's not. please, don't punish me this way. please. i beg you to come back, even though i know it's impossible. i'll wait for you, even if it might take forever or 2-3 rebirths. i'll wait for you."

six 𖨂

"it's day 467 and i thought i was close to moving on, then everything stirred up again and i realized i had only buried you deep in my heart, there's no way i could forget you. little by little, everything is becoming distant. from your voice, to the feel of your hair under my fingers, to your face. and i fear i might forget all the things about you. which is like my worst fear. sometime in the day i go from loving you to hating you. the hate is just a way i am trying to fool myself. how could i ever hate you? i will have only love for you. i hope to see you one day and only appreciate the love and laughs we shared. i often think about the times we’d be falling over in the kitchen laughing, trying not pee. or in bed cracking up, while I hit your arm from laughing so hard. or when you cheat by sitting on my lap and winning all the games witj cheating. i don't mind. it felt good to see you smile. one day i will grow old with grey hair and wrinkles, but i will still love you. one day, when i lay motionless, i wish to be buried beside you. i wish to see your face when my eyes close. i wish to say i love you upon my last breath. and i wish to see you with the stars. i wish to be loved by you in every life."

seven 𖨂

"it's day 1000. i brought you a new phone so i could keep sending you voicemails. i still recharge your data everyday, and i still listen to all the voicemails you sent me, in hopes you did the same. but of course, you can't. i keep fooling myself, and dragging myself deeper and deeper into my delusions that now i've started seeing you. everywhere. when i wake up, at work, in the mirror, and even when i sleep. your face- it haunts me now. you walk up to me in my dreams or nightmares, and tell me how you hate me. or how i put myself before you. you called me selfish. you told me that i didn't love you. i didn't love you? i've been loving you endlessly, my angel. my therapist says i need to stop sending you voicemails now. or i won't be able to move on. but what if i don't want to? what if i want to be surrounded by you, engulfed with these hallucinations till i die? people call me crazy at work, i know that. they don't talk to me afraid that i might make them crazy as well. but I want them to know what love is. it can be both a boon or a curse. and now, it has turned to be a curse. but not once do i regret it. i will meet you in every life. and i will love you in every life. i can only hope that each lifetime, we learn faster and love harder. maybe eons down the road, we will actually work out. if we do, I can’t wait to experience that love. and if we don’t, i’m at peace because I know in my soul that every time we finally walk away from each other, this will always be the relationship and you will always be the person that made me who i was meant to be. i am coming to you now. i can't live like this. goodbye, my love. this might be the last voicemail you receive. just know that i love you. always and forever"

[tnt-zone]

Welcome to Our Blog!

This blog is run by two alters, Taylor Swift (not that one ;)) ) and Scary Marlowe, with occasional appearances of others that may be familiar. Here is our comfort zone, where we collect things that make us laugh, remind us of our friends, or generally things we like about our source.

This might end up being updated later but it's a good first draft!

Intros and DNIs under the cut

Intros

HEY! I'm Taylor Swift! I'm the one mostly running this blog, usually just reblogging stuff I find funny or whatever! If there's any fictives out there that want to reach out don't be shy! I love to chat with anyone! We aren't gonna list off who all is here from source but me and Scary would be happy to see anyone really. My sign off is 🤺 but more than likely it'll be something like "Taylor posts" but I'm gonna work on that 😅 ANYWAYS enjoy and yeah nice to meet ya!

Taylor Swift Facts

16 years old

Confirmed to have Demon DNA by the FBI

I am awesome and cool

On the FBI top 10 wanted list

Certified cat-boy 😌 (TikTok couldn't handle my power)

I don't really know my role in the system yet but I'm being told it's somewhere between mood booster, pain regulator, and social alter so you make up your mind what that means about me!

I really love talking about source memories, they aren't all the same as "cannon event" but if anyone wants to here some wild shit hit me up

I have a really cool scare dog (not that I need one but her name is Scary and I love her (off to bed with you -⛈️)

I'm Scary Marlowe, seeker of darkness and blah blah all that stuff you know the drill. I'm gonna cut to the chase before all you haters and say I know I'm not my source. I'm something fucking better, I'm myself. Now that that's out of the way, hey! I have a lot of source memories so that's why I'm here, plus Taylor really likes it here and always wants to show me stuff so. Anyway my sign off is ⛈️

Scary Facts

14 years old

Still into poetry and writing

Resident bad girl

Potato hater (yes that carried over)

I'm actually nice but like I'm mean about it sometimes

Here's where the real fun begins

DNI

Haters, if you don't like it here then leave

Pro-endo, sys-course. That's not what this blog is about thank you.

Pro-shippers.

Maps, Pedos, whatever they're using nowadays 🙄

Roleplay accounts, I'm sorry it just scares us a little to see someone acting like us or someone we know and we know it's not them. A lot of you do a great job, we might end up changing this rule later on if we feel more comfortable but for now respect our space.

If you're here just to hate on an alter, turn yourself around and block us. Don't waste your time.

We don't hate on dads here (except Willy) so don't bring that energy please.

We are bodily an adult so you actual minors out there don't be weird. We love to chat but we do have firm boundaries that will be in place for not only our protection, but for your own as well. Choose internet safety children 🫡

Anyways have a lovely time and enjoy our little slice of haven in this crazy world!

[hearts4golbach]

Light Shower. (Sal Fisher x Fem!Reader.)

part 4

"you just cleansed me like a waterfall, you came."

-

The EAS system rang through my ears. it spewed some shit about a severe thunderstorm. I immediately picked up my phone and called Sal.

-

4 and a half year old me sat by sal, concerned because our cartoon got interrupted by an alert. just then, we heard thunder crash all around. I looked over whenever I heard shuffling next to me.

"Y/n, I'm scared." sal choked out.

"awe, sally." I scooted closer to him and pulled him in for a hug. I gently shook in my arms as we waited out the storm.

-

I smiled, reminiscing the memorie as the phone rang. "hey." I heard his raspy voice on the other end of the phone.

"you okay? want to come over and wait out the storm?" I asked, butterflies nipped at my stomach with excitement.

"it's not that bad, surprisingly. I'm just a little nervous. nothing big happened yet, I'm on my-" sal got rudely interrupted by the sound of the power shutting off. "nevermind, fuck this." he hung up the phone as I heard feet pounding down the hall. sal walked inside, quickly shutting the door behind him. "I swear to God I saw the hat man." he joked, attempting to ease his nerves.

"well, this is fucking scary." I pulled sal down onto the couch next to me, "like, I'm about to piss my pants."

sal chuckled loudly, but not loud enough to mask the loud bang outside. he had ran over without even grabbing his shoes, which i found hysterical. "spooky." he responded.

"I know, right?" I threw myself back onto the bed and looked at the ceiling. my vision moved to sal, who was looking at something on my bed. "wha-" I stopped mid sentence as my eyes locked on the small baggie of coccaine that had fallen out of my pillow case. "sal, i-"

"how long have you been clean?" he asked gently. he turned to face me, looking deep into my eyes. lighting flashed, allowing me to see Sals masked face in actual light.

"8 days. since the day we went to the lake." he seemed relieved. "you're so pretty when you're scared, it's funny." I laughed lightly. he rolled his eyes. I laughed harder, wrapping my arm around him. I kissed his cold prosthetic cheek. "you know, you're the only reason I'm clean." I smiled at him. his eyes met mine. he gazed deep into them, making my heart race. his eyes flickered down to my lips before looking away.

"what'd I do?" he asked.

"okay, sassy. you got me out of bed and stayed by my side when I needed it the most. when I needed you the most. you kept me distracted and happy. I'm better now, Sal."

"i- I don't really know what to say."

"then don't say anything." I whispered. he took my hand gently in his. he laid down next to me after taking his mask off. I brought my hand to his cheek, tracing his scars with my thumb. I knew he loved when I did that, because his eyes always fluttered shut. silence fell in my room, except for the occasional crash, making sal jump but he kept his eyes closed.

"I wish we could lay here forever. I'm tired." sal whispered. oh, and it made him sleepy. I guess it was comforting for him.

"me too." I softly smiled.

-

the summer before 7th grade, sal and I walked around the forest, heading to one of our secret hang out spots.

"There's the bridge." sally pointed out.

"no duh, I have eyes too, you know." I rolled my eyes at him. we rested beside eachother at the railing. "have you heard everyone talking about having their first kiss?" I said, biting the inside of my lip.

"yeah?"

"yeah, you haven't had your first kiss, right? you'd tell me."

he gave me a 'seriously?' look. "nobody would want to kiss anyone that looks like me."

"you don't know that, don't beat yourself up over something that's not true." he shrugged. "kiss virgin." I smiled, teasing.

he rolled his eyes at me. "like you arent."

"what if I'm not?" I replied with a smug look on my face.

"pfft. yeah right." he waved his hand dismissively at Mr.

"I'm just kidding!" I playfully punched him in the arm. "but how cool would it be if we went back to school NOT kiss virgins."

"stop calling us 'kiss virgins'" he said, mimicking my voice. "that's so stupid." he inched closer to me, nudging my arm.

I looked over at him. "it's the truth!" silence filled the air as we looked at eachother, and eachothers lips before leaning in.

-

I exhaled the nicotine left in my mouth out the window and inhaled the sweet smell of the rain. the buzz hit my brain, muffling all of the super negative thoughts. I looked back at sal, who was sleeping peacefully on my bed. he laid there so casually in MY basketball shorts and his hoodie. he had a calm expression on his face, one that I don't see normally. I slightly smiled at the sight, wanting nothing more in the world than for sal to be at peace during the time he's awake. sal always tells me how much he misses his mom when we're alone, and just by hearing stories about her, I do too. I didn't even know the woman. I knew he just wanted to feel normal. I could tell it's killing him. I put my cigarette out and jumped back in bed. I gently pecked his forehead and another on his cheek. I pulled his hair away from his mouth, the ends stuck in his mouth. I knew I was in love with sal, and I always had been. but it was a thought that I had pushed away so much that I had managed to hide it. I had always loved him, even when I didn't understand what live actually was. I softly smiled as I looked down at the bluenette. I knew he'd never feel the same, and I was somewhat at peace with that. I trusted sal with my life, but at the same time I didn't want to deal with losing someone or something else. atleast not for a long while. I wiped the tear that fell down my cheek. I'd do anything for this boy, and I hope he knows that.

[ghostiiess]

[NSB HEADCANONS] - justin phan being your boyfriend

☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆○o☆

pov: what i think justin phan would do to you if he was your partner!

warning // REMEMBER!! : none, except at the end i talk about not eating // don't want to // don't feel like it. it's just how i imagine how he would react to these kind of things. of course, if you are or know someone who is living this type of situation, please talk to someone you trust. i'm not a pro in these kind of subjects, but know that you are not alone in these kind of things and that i am here if you guys ever want to talk or something like that. otherwise, my requests are always open if you want to talk about it in anon <3 i believe in you and i'm already so proud of you of how you become and became :) you can do it, i trust in you!

type: wholesome // fluff

member: justin phan

justin would be an amazing boyfriend like-

this boy just want to laugh and have fun with you

he love that he can be himself with you

he would LOVE to create funny memories with you and make them as inside jokes that only you two can understand

if you feel a bit insecure, anxious, bad, ugly or something like that, he would do his best to help you and to make you smile

even if he'll have to look dumb or weird in front of the boys, seeing you happy and smiling is one of his priorities. he doesn't care if the boys are laughing at him (which i don't think, they would ever do that kind of things, but this is only an example). jp would always want to see you comfortable and happy in the relationship. if he have to embarrass himself in front of his best friends just so you can feel a bit better, he'll do it.

he'll always ask you if he can do that certain thing to you before, just because he's a caring boy who never want to make anyone uncomfortable (not that the others boys wouldn't do that, but i feel like justin would ask his s/o for (almost) everything just to make sure he's not making a mistake or something like that. i hope you guys can understand!!)

"can i give you a hug?"

"can i hold your hand?"

"can my lips touch yours?"

yes, sometimes he won't ask (really rare moments! he'll only do it when he see you really need it, but most of the time, he'll ask you before doing it)

like sometimes, he'll just give you a hug because he knew you needed it or just because him, himself, needed one (i hope you guys can understand what i'm trying to say)

sometimes he'll just kiss your lips if you can't stop overthinking or putting yourself down, sometimes he'll just do it because he couldn't hold it anymore to see you talking and not being able to stop it

but other than that, he'll always ask you for permission

he'll take pictures of you secretly just so you could see how beautiful you are when you don't see the camera or when you're not looking at it directly

justin would take pics of you and send it to the NSB groupchat just because he think he's lucky to have you and he want to show you off to his best friends

"she's listening to our songs... how cute is she"

i'm sure if his s/o was listening to nsb's song, he would totally make the group know

like his heart- aargh i can't even describe it, but he would def be super happy and excited about that

mostly if you're singing the lyrics without you knowing it

HIS HEART OMG!!

his heart go boum boum, baby

he would smile so so much, like- omg, i won't talk about his smile but damnnn..

anyways- justin would def send these kind of stuff in the groupchat

he would hype you

"you are so god damn cute, fuck y/n... that's a nice outfit!"

he would invite you to the gym with him

and you would go to target with him since it's one of his fav shop

i'm sure, justin would sing you a song before you go to sleep or to make you less stressed or just because he wanted to sing something for you

he would sing "Brown Eyes, Brown Hair" by Caleb Hearn (it's at the top of the headcanon!!) just because he feel it would make you smile

i love that song so much (it's so relaxing and cute? if this song could have a love language, it would be words of affirmations, for sure) and i feel the lyrics would fit jp?? idk how to explain it, but he give me this vibe?

talking about love language.. i feel his love language would be quality time? he love spending time with people he like and appreciate so i'm sure he would be super happy to have these kind of moments with you

it's okay if you guys aren't doing something special, just him being with you make him smile

he would make skincare with you

"and then after.. i use that lotion! wanna try it with me, my love?"

he would call you "my love" because he feel like it's a delicate and cute nickname to give to his s/o

he would have food date with you (sushi, korean bbq, in-n-out...)

he would give you his bubble tea (mu tea) for free

you would be drunk with him if you have the legal age to drink

and if you're like seb (not an adult yet), he'll make you drink the bubble tea lol

he cares ALOT about you

like he would genuinely make you know his appreciation towards you with hugs, kisses, random date and lot of funny jokes

he would make fun of you

we all know how jp love making funny jokes to the nsb members, how he make fun of them times to times so i guess he would do the same to you

he's simply a funny guy who love having fun

so if makes fun or you, know that's one of his way to demonstrate his affection towards people

but if he ever get you, he'll apologize and make you know how worthy you are

for example, if he make fun of your face, he would apologize and tell you how pretty your face is and how his jokes are a way of him to show you his love and that he didn't want to hurt you or to make you feel ugly :(

he's a caring guy and a super loyal one

i forgot when he told that info, but i think in one of his videos or one of the members', he said that he's super loyal and stick to only one girl at time (like he won't go talk to multiples girls just because he's bored with you or something like that)

PICNIC DATE!! omg, yes, please!

this man is so romantic oml

he want to romanticize life with you <3

you being best friends with the north star boys <3 and the media team!!

he would make food for you if you don't want to eat or don't feel like it

"c'mon baby.. i know how hard it is for you to eat, but please, just taste it. do it for me, baby love. take as long as you want, but i want you to eat at least something, even if it's not big, it can be super little, but please, i want you to eat something for me. i don't want you to pass out or to do something like that"

sure, he know bad days can happen, it happen to everyone, but he would try his best to cheer you up and see the amazing smile you have

justin's a thankful guy for everything, mostly for the stars. he think the stars are a real source of inspiration and to him, the stars are the most cutest person in the world, so just like them, he would think that of you :(

all the boys love the stars with their whole hearts and want to meet every single one, so please, even if jp is not the guy who would do a lot of pda in front of the city, know that he like you a lot and care about you. so please, never doubt his love you :(

to conclude this headcanon, justin would make sure you're always happy and comfortable in the relationship. also, you would prob adopt a cat together or something like that (and he would try to talk to the cat lmao)

[tokkiyuna-rabbit]

It's time I admit this. And I'm sorry for how cringe it's going to be. I am not seeking anyone's attention. But I owe an explanation to y'all, which is the intention of this post. (Also sorry for bad grammar).

Anyways!

I am sure that most of you have noticed my lack of prescence on this account. And some may even noticed I deleted all of my past post with the exception of a few posts.

You may be wondering why I did so. Why would I delete so many posts that people were genuinely enjoying? What prompted me to do this?

That's what I want to talk about.

No, I have not given up on my characters. Eunkyu, Eunyeong, Siwoo, Haoyu, Hyeonsik, and Aera will always be my precious characters. I worked so hard on them and it hurt when I realized that I wasn't doing them justice. (Honestly, Chunhee and Raon bring too much bad memories that I just cannot. Plus, I kept forgetting about them and realized why I created them...).

I have always been an indecisive person. I have always been a perfectionist that wants to make no mistakes. I want to be error free, but I can never be. I tried so hard to perfect my story that it lead to me losing what it truly was. I cannot even remember how I created my story and kind of story I wanted to tell. I kept changing my mind in hopes of finding that perfect story that would be perfect. And my art just made things worse (I'll touch on this towards the end).

Therefore, the more I thought about it, the more anxious I became. I was never good at regulating or even understanding my emotions. It's not what I am good at. I can't even keep my characters consistent because of that. And I am going to be the most open I have ever been: I have autism. I was clinically diagonsed when I was a baby by a doctor. And one thing that my autism does to me is having a lack of realizing and understanding of emotions. Which is why I can be so emotional about things that may not be that important for others. Heck, this rant can be seen as childish. But, it isn't to me. So combine that with being a perfectionist and that's just a disaster. To which I just ended up deleting everything. To run away from my problems, which is something that no one should be doing (with exceptions of course). Honestly, this part makes me embarrassed, but I feel like I have to get this off my chest. I just want to be honest.

Onto the art, I will be honest. I hated it. I hated how I could not produce the same level of quality of art. Especially since I went abroad and had little time to draw. I lost interest of drawing at the moment. But, it was also this trip that opened my eyes to many new experiences. I tried to show that with my art and story. But, it just didn't make sense. Probably because I was trying to hide this side of me from my classmates, so there was a time where I wasn't thinking or working on this story. Anyways, I just realized that the style I as drawing in wasn't one that I even liked. I just kept telling myself to draw what was popular and it would be ok. If I drew the style that was popular that it would be the perfect piece. But, how could it be perfect if I wasn't happy? Again, it lead to me deleting it because I couldn't stand looking at the imperfections. I was afraid that those who came to like my art and story would be disappointed.

I came to the realization that on my other account, I was much more excited to draw. Much happier even though I was drawing in a style that I believed was lesser because it wasn't popular. No one has ever cared for that art style before. It wasn't perfect. But, when drawing for my other account, I never drew them to be perfect. I was just drawing and I was happy. I was happy with that art style and even the little mistakes I made. After all, I made that style back when I was 15. If I truly disliked it, then I would have abandoned it a long time ago and yet its here still. And what about stories? I haven't made any new stories to be exact. But I do have a new OC and he is lovely. But I didn't create them to tell a story. Honestly, I just think I liked having a character to create stories for.

So what the heck am I even rambling? You will see my OCs again. Not in the old art style but the one I am happy with. Is it perfect? No. Is it the most amazing and eye catching? No. But, that doesn't matter. Art is meant to be subjective anyways, so who cares what style it's in? Art is meant to be expressive of the artist. What about my story? I am still going to keep going. I might post a few things in the future. But mostly redesgining the characters. You'll see those OCs again.

Oh and the fan art was just something to practice my art. I hope y'all don't care that I like that series. I'm not that into it as before.

Well, this is the end of this post. Thank you for reading this post. I will be logging out to avoid seeing notes on this post because I am anxious and afriad of what anyone are going to think about this post.

Fun Fact about Hyeonsik:

If he was a human, he would work as a cosmetologist. Ok, but an actual serious fun fact is that he likes art and often sketches the other characters. He's gotten in trouble for doodling them on official documentation.

[c0pernicus]

I feel like I never really see people talk about just how bad the long term effects of prolonged abuse, or C-PTSD can really be in people, especially young people, and I wish it was talked about more.

I pretty much never talk about my own experiences for safety reasons, because I would always receive a whole mess if I did choose to try and tell others what I went through, and maybe that's what has made my experience with C-PTSD so bad, but its genuinely so debilitating.

The burn out, the exhaustion, the body aches and horrible sleep schedules and inability to maintain a job because my emotions and brain had really never recovered even years- half a decade- after everything stopped. The digestive issues, the memory problems, the entire lack of a sense of identity and self. The lack of want to put effort into my identity and self.

I feel like I'm chronically searching for someone that's supposed to be me. Constantly, I'm stuck now trying to validate a sense of self I no longer possess. Old passions, old hobbies, old things I liked and enjoyed- It feels like I've been stripped down to bone and nothing sticks anymore. If I have an interest it's very fleeting and I usually will drop it once I find I start to enjoy it, as if its been so heavily ingrained in my brain that peace and happiness and to just enjoy things isn't something I'm allowed. I've become incapable of thinking anything even neutral about myself at this point. I don't believe nearly anything anyone else says to me, and I feel very passive towards others in general if I'm not terrified of them instead. I lack friends and connections, and I constantly hide away from others.

I'm constantly frozen. I can't function on even a basic level if someone else is present in my home; I have to be doing what they're doing, or engaged in some way with what they're doing (Watching, observing, next to them at the very least and quietly doing something unobtrusive) or I can't do anything at all. If I am left alone I'm riddled with anxiety and my mood plummets, my intrusive thoughts are constant and like a horrible movie montage I can't turn off. Trying to lay down and sleep is no better, for years I've been stuck having to just occupy my brain until I pass out.

It's a constant ghost I just can't seem to exorcise from myself. No amount of trying to forgive or forget or let go or move on or accept has made a pebbles difference in the mountain I'm stuck under. I forget everything and anything except for what caused all of this; my wife and friend constantly cut me off to tell me that they've already heard what I'm telling from before from my own mouth, and they I know there are times where they let me continue like it's the first time I've ever told them the fact or the story and I'm simply none-the-wiser. I can't remember things I've done, things I need to do, events or recent days even. I feel stupid and airheaded on the best days, and I know it shows to others because they've told me before.

Work is hard because of the anxiety, the agoraphobia, the memory problems, the health problems. I'm sick constantly; I can't eat or retain food, I have the flu, I've caught Covid for the 8th time despite trying to be good about cleanliness when I leave the house and return. I can't eat a lot of food without being in pain, with it going right through me or sitting like a rock in my stomach for several days. My joints ache more often, my muscles are sore, my traps are solid to a concerning degree from the daily stress of just living with it all. I can't remember the last time my eyes weren't sunken in and purple-blue.

Therapists have only wanted to slap me with a diagnosis and an array of medications- none of which have worked. I've been told it's depression, it's anxiety, it's PTSD, it's bi-polar, it's BPD, it's psychotic depression, it's schizoaffective, it's DID. The DID one threw me for a loop, I'm not going to lie, but the rest were believable enough. I don't look at my medical charts anymore, so I don't know what I have or haven't been branded with by now. The meds and talk therapy never help, I never feel release, I don't believe words anymore- especially from strangers. The meds make the brain fog worse, or I feel numb, or people don't like the person I've become, or my self harming gets much worse, or I just want to kill myself enough to really try to.

Stress tips me over the edge so easily. The hallucinations suck and I resent them. They're a one way ticket to being unemployed and unfunctional for potentially months at a time, and it's humiliating after the fact as well. The last time I had a bad episode I believed there was a man living in my closet, and I couldn't go inside of it. I would hear him moving around inside, he'd yell and get so angry if you opened the door. I've thankfully forgotten the name I gave him; it was something stupid for sure.

I've become a miserable ghost, and I don't see any light at the end of the long tunnel. There is no way back to my body. I'm just lost and wandering and witnessing but never participating. It hurts the most to think of how I was before too many things piled up; the passion and the drive and the creativity. Always making something, always doing something, there was always some project or plan or thing I was doing that I felt pride for. I didn't care if I was weird to others, because I was confident in myself.

I just lay down now, when I can. I do my dishes and my laundry, I try to shower when it doesn't make me nauseous to. I take care of my cats and I work jobs infrequently. I sit with my parents disappointment in who I've become like it's an old friend, and we share coffee and reveries.

I exist, begrudgingly. That is the only thing I try to take pride in now.

[tellmegoodbye]

hi!!

going off of what you recently said about being asked about music, I’m going to ask you about music! I love discovering new music so who are your top artists and your top songs?? either currently or all time

HI I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW THANK YOUUU

Okayokayokay I'm calm I promise :)

My favorite band of all time is linkin park, and honestly they always will be. Now I'm sure everyone knows all of their popular songs, but I'm going to go ahead and recommend a criminally underrated album of theirs, which is A Thousand Suns.

Now even though LP is my favorite band they obviously have not been active since 2017, so I'm going to also talk about my favorite band that's still currently active, and my second favorite band of all time. Shinedown!

If you're wondering just how much I love this band, I am about to see them for the fourth time at the end of the month! They are honestly so good live so if you're into rock music and looking for a damn good concert experience, I highly recommend catching one of their shows!

I know the lone star (and og) fandom is at least somewhat aware of them because whoever chooses music for these shows does not know how to miss 😊 and the song they used in the second episode of lone star, how did you love, is one of my favorite songs by them. I literally got so excited when it started playing and started singing along. A very memorable moment for me while watching this show! (I also have a shinedown shirt with the lyrics "every day is do or die" on the back...I promise I am normal about this band 😂)

fun fact: if you've seen me lurking around on my main, leave-a-whisper, that is a reference to their first album! I also reccomend the Sound of Madness album. These two are their two best albums in my opinion!

there are so many bands I could mention so I'm just going to mention a few more quick ones so that this doesn't become an essay. I also have last.fm if you want to take a look any bands I don't mention here, cause there's a lot!

Speed run under the cut! Trying to keep this at a reasonable length here 😂

Three Days Grace and Breaking Benjamin, I grew up listening to these bands! middle school harley practically lived and breathed one-x and phobia.

Halestorm, one of my favorite bands with a female lead. Lzzy's vocals are fucking insane and the music is extremely fun and empowering.

Speaking of amazing female leads, if you're looking for some metal (or just curious about getting into the genre) I really love Jinjer. They are insane live and Tati is a phenomenal vocalist.

I also dabble in prog music. I pretty much grew up listening to bands like Dream Theater and Porcupine Tree. Insane talent in both of these bands. One album I really love and reccomend is Deadwing by Porcupine Tree.

O.A.R, my childhood. My parents introduced me to this band when I was very young and I have loved their music ever since. I can't really compare them to anyone else, but I reccomend listening to songs like heaven and love and memories. Those are a couple of my faves!

I don't really listen to much rap music, but NF is a massive exception. His lyrics are always amazing and the music is just really fun, sometimes really angsty.

Bad Omens, Dayseeker and I Prevail are some good metal bands to get into if it's usually not a genre you'd enjoy. Amazing vocals.

Album recs!

I have been listening to To Be Everywhere is To Be Nowhere by Thrice. It's an amazing album. My favorite song off of it is Hurricane.

My favorite album that came out last year is Spirits by Nothing More.

My favorite albums that came out this year are Take Me Back To Eden by Sleep Token and Dead Club City by Nothing But Thieves.

Finally, some song recs!!!

Atlantic - Sleep Token

Satellites - Periphery

Higher Place - Malevolence

Familiar Taste of Poison - Halestorm

Mourning Song - Holding Absence

The Red - Chevelle

Tears Don't Fall - Bullet For My Valentine

Breaking My Bones - Friday Pilots Club

Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away) - Deftones

Dying is Absolutely Safe - Architects

One More Light - Linkin Park

Death By Rock And Roll - The Pretty Reckless

I could mention sooooo much more but this is definitely enough for now. As you can see my music taste is very rock and metal heavy and I know that's not everyone's thing, but if you're unsure then definitely give some of these bands a try!

[x-heesy]

PHUCҜ ΨΣΔH ITΔLIΔΠ RΔP

Happy f- holidays, merry m- Christmas

December 25th, we are on alert

Still the anxiety rising, hey

I smoke like it's legal, hey

Tell me if anyone is normal

In Area 51, bro, there's Santa Claus, wow

Put the record on and you're dead, you wait for this piece more than the risen Christ

In my house the crucifix is ​​a memory

Son of God, I prefer abortion

I think I go to Mc, I put on a happy face like Arthur Fleck

I make a massacre if, again this year Michael Bublé sings on Italia 1

I smoke but don't mind it

There is the nativity scene that gives me a round of applause

People go where their noses take them

Especially if it is Pippo Baudo's

I ride with the revocation, eh

Widow type noise, huh

Christmas is upon us

Jehovah's Witness

If it gets me that bad

Maybe, maybe it will be Christmas

Even though it all seems the same to me

Every time I think about it I get Charles Manson, eh

I think I'm late today too, eh

I'm not on time for dinner

You know what the fuck I care about gifts

Or to see some stupid aunt

I hate Christmas like the Grinch, mh

'This flow kills you, it gives lessons, mh

I enter a cinepanettone, mh

With a shotgun, mh

New Year's Eve with a bang

I'm crazy, now I'm going to explode

I'm under your girlfriend's tree, I give her my cock with a bow

Hey, Santa Claus

Except one day a year he's just an old drunk

This year I made money and I will ask baby Jesus

What does he want as a gift, like Briatore

Well done, clown sings

All red bro, like Santa Claus

You who are around me, because you want a follow

I'll give you the likes, I'm Santa Cloud

I see you sad, maybe it's because you're not on Salmo's album

And if Santa Claus exists, I'm not the rapper of the year

If it gets me that bad

Maybe, maybe it will be Christmas

Even though it all seems the same to me

Every time I think about it I get Charles Manson

Nice gun, what does it shoot? Balls?

Better not be a tree, because he has more balls

When I come in, everyone goes, "Wow."

Between 'if I call God, he answers me: "Woof"

I don't give a shit, but at least

I always destroy myself when I have dinner

I ate a pandoro with Morgan

There was only icing sugar

Christmas makes you fat as shit

And waste the food we need

I don't pray to an angel, I'm not in Bethlehem

I don't envy the tree because it's broke

I'm sorry if you were alarmed

But you are as out of place as someone who goes on the subway and shouts: "Allah" with a gun

What a bomb of a gift

Your girlfriend, boar

Always eating

He's not Santa Claus

But such a big oaf

If it hurts me so much

Maybe, maybe it will be Christmas

Even though it all seems the same to me

Every time I think about it I get Charles Manson

They already ask me what I do on New Year's Eve

I wonder what I'll do on New Year's Eve

You didn't see us in your club, you're blind

Dinner at Mc, Jesus Crispy McBacon, huh

And at dinner with the relatives, mh

I introduce myself and take my leave, mh

"When are you going to give us the little ones?" (Eh)

I answer: "When I defrost them" (Wow)

I have a recurring dream that attracts me

Convince the Vanzinas to film Christmas in Syria

So perhaps we can see what is happening in Palestine

And on opening day, I shoot myself in the mouth in the front row

Merry Christmas, assholes

With my brains on De Sica and Boldi

We are as empty as your drunken talk

Give each other gifts, not our business, it's better if you leave

Fuck off kindly

The difference is there and you can feel it

I am always fresh, evergreen

You are always cool, always green

I'm going to shout "Happy New Year" at an Easter lunch

I already know it's in Santa's sack

Another great album from a talent dad

Happy f- holidays, merry m- Christmas

December 25th, we are on alert

Happy f- holidays, merry m- Christmas

December 25th, we are on alert 🚨

𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙻𝙴𝚂 𝙼𝙰𝙽𝚂𝙾𝙽 (𝙱𝚄𝙾𝙽 𝙽𝙰𝚃𝙰𝙻𝙴2) (𝚏𝚎𝚊𝚝. 𝙻𝚊𝚣𝚣𝚊) 𝚋𝚢 𝚂𝚊𝚕��𝚘, 𝙳𝚊𝚗𝚒 𝙵𝚊𝚒𝚟, 𝙽𝚒𝚝𝚛𝚘 v7

@ombrabrontok @len0r @luna---zylum @bigbonzo @boanerges20

[tash-sho-sho]

Demons in Wonderland!

I had this thought for a while now...

I’ve been in OM fandom since it came out, I’m a fan waiting for season 5 V,v 

"So..." Malleus began, Mc sure has talked about all the brothers and now that the prince had the chance to meet him, he realized how... unique they are, no in a bad way, of course.

Perhaps... Sebek disagrees.

Anyway, they have been for a time now and he already knows, a little at least, the personalities of the brothers. Just enough... he is still pretty salty that NRC students rather invite demons than himself. When he was told about their last adventure, the storm in Diasomnia lasted days.

Lilia has told him Azul almost made a pact with Mammon,  almost, Mc and some others (brothers, he supposed) stopped the demon of greed before he regretted it. Mc is pretty unique, reminds him of some little troublemaker. Unfazed by him, he assumed living with demons in a world full of them would do wonders to human's instinct.

Malleus also noticed that Azul had tried to make a pact with... to be honest, all the demons, it was just Mammon who was worth remembering. He was lucky enough to be nearby when Azul slyly asked Lucifer if he was interested in making pacts.

"I have no desire to make a pact with anyone, much less in a world where we will not be staying." Arms crossed, pride and powerful demon, his curiosity got the better of the prince, demons from another world? Interesting, no Sebek nearby? Go for it.

Azul was kinda sweating, and he paid him no mind, "Have you ever made a pact? You seemed like one who would think carefully." Malleus interfered, he could see Azul relaxing, just a little bit. It seems other students didn't want to get close to. Now that he thinks about it, it seems Lucifer was also pretty feared, Riddle seemed to respect the demon and Lucifer didn’t mind the housewarden of Heartslabyul.

"Does it matter? I don't make pacts with just anyone." Simply replied. Lucifer, ever so prideful, but it made him quite happy to have a conversation with someone who wasn't afraid to speak, of course, some humans are exceptions, but a new one is always welcome!

"It does not."

Azul sighed, Malleus remembered he was there, "If you made a pact, that someone would be powerful, strong, prideful, and scary?"

The fae looked at Lucifer intrigued, he would think that that someone would be like that. Lilia had told him Lucifer was very strict with his brothers.

"Maybe someone who's less of a trouble maker...?" Malleus rested his hand on his chin.

Sebek complained once about how horrifying it was that demons were in the same school as his prince, maybe he said something else but he was sulking. Having demons being invited......

"So they rather have demons than having me, an actual student"

Dark times, quickly discarded the memory before the weather changes.

"I do have a pact."

"Do you?" Azul started to think about something.

"Of course."

"Is it a strict ruler?" Both housewardens noticed Lucifer looking to his side.

"Butterfly on my nose...!" Quietly screaming, Mc was really happy. They could feel the little legs of it on their nose and it made them really happy. They saw Lucifer, Azul and Malleus (the Tsunotaro! It was a funny name, it was not a good idea to call their prideful demon like that, however) looking at them. They brightly smiled, they were really happy and their emotions were easily read. Lucifer smiled subtly before looking at his two acquaintances.

They simply resumed their happy moments with the butterfly.

"..."

They weren't expecting that, in fact, they are expecting Lucifer to clarify. True, Mc seemed close to them, but being the pact master of Lucifer?

Lucifer knows what they are thinking.

'Mc? Doesn’t seem scary at all... much less someone who abides by rules...'

The moments they would see Mc in some kind of problem was...

"Mc is my only master, as well as the master of my little brothers."

Malleus has gained a new interest in humans! Humans from other worlds are fearless, and Mc was now in the list of people he would like to meet and befriend!

Sebek be damned.

Extra

Azul: The troublemaker?

Lucifer: They have name.

Mc: Yeh... I have name.

Malleus: Just like Yuu to me.

Azul: *confused*

[inmeredithsmind]

Friday

Is it ok to feel sorry for myself? I struggle with this. I grew up with the mentality and awareness that there was always someone worse off than me. To be thankful I wasn't there. That someone would love to be in my shoes. There was always someone less fortunate and so on and so on.

I didn't grow up bad. I had a good childhood. I had a mother who worked hard, a father that was there.. so maybe their marriage wasn't great, but I had an Uncle (moms brother) whom helped my mom raise me. This all has nothing to do with a bad childhood like some would think. I was a happy girl. I was blessed even until the day I met me ex. Lets call him Narc for narcissist. And even though it has been a few years since we were married, the trauma of that abuse is not something I can just turn off. Today has been one of those days. A day where the anxiety meds just don't cut it and I feel what I have felt on many days that I have a fall back. My head aches, my mind wanders to the days it was trapped and my body trembles. I pretend I am fine, I smile, I act normal at work, I do what I am supposed to do. I go through the day to day routines. I remind my landlord that my hot water heater is broken, but I remind myself that I still have water and I can boil what I need to. I should be thankful to have a home and I am. I will live in a tent if it came to a choice of that or a mansion with my ex. So I smile, say it's no problem and go about my day. When on the inside there is a war. Two parts. Myself and my mind. My mind screams at me the darkness I burry because I prefer to push down my trauma instead of dealing with it. There is also the saying others have said such as "It's been years, get over it." Does anyone get over abuse? I don't think so. They move on, they get better, but the scars are still there. So why are we told to get over things?

I have learned to swallow hard and smile as if everything is ok, but it's not. I feel guilty for telling those close to me. I feel like a broken record and I refused therapy from my doctor. She suggested it, but I don't want it right now. Mostly because I don't want to seem like I am whining over what happened to me. I also don't feel like talking to someone who hasn't been in my shoes. What will they do? Look at me, hear my issues and throw more meds my way? I already take one for anxiety and another to help me sleep.

My boyfriend is understanding, but even to him I can't speak of these things. The guilt of annoying someone with my mental fight does not seem worth it. Everyone has their own problems. So the nightmares come, the memories flood and sometimes they don't. I have a problem with my memory. Things said or done just a week ago I lose or forget completely. Some take offense to this and say I don't pay attention, but there are holes in my memory that date back years especially during my abuse. Did that really happen? Am I gaslighting myself? It's a feeling I can only describe as being trapped in your own mind and frustrated that you can't escape and you can't make sense of what you know or think you remember.

Outside, I smile, laugh, go about my day. Drink my coffee, enter my cases in my work computer and am hopeful about the weekend. Yet inside, my head hurts, my body aches, my stomach begs for food though my anxiety takes my appetite and all I want to do is lay in my bed and sleep it all away, but I am a mother. A single mother and I must be strong for them and strong for those around me. I refuse to show my weakness. I prefer to burry it all. So I will jot this all down here and burry what I can do those around me have no idea. They will see me smiling and taking my meds and cooking dinner for my kids and they will see that I am fine. My wounds are my own. My mental fight is my own and that is how they will remain. Except for you, whoever reads this. You know.

[qhostqizmo]

personal

i try so hard to hold on to christmas spirit every year and ride some false high and every year its. not. it's not there.

i can't bring back the childhood memory of laying on the skirt of the christmas tree, staring up at our decorated pine, the smell of sap, the soft bulb mutli-color lights. the house dark; decorations everywhere, the faint sound of the tv in the background.

it's like the only positive memory i can recall. other than getting a gameboy and pkmn yellow the year of its release. only vaguely otherwise recall going to my grandmother's or my aunts, but nothing concrete. no details.

christmas time is literally the /worst/ time of the year for me and i'm so exhausted. i cook, i clean, i do everything to make christmas the best i can for everyone else- baking and buying gifts and decor and helping to put things up and going on and on. i'm tired. i'm working myself to the bone and constantly stuffing new things in that trauma box in the back of my head.

grandmother passed away christmas eve 10 years ago

not having presents under the tree for years and feeling like i'm worthless compared to everyone else (i understand it's not the meaning of christmas but try telling anyone it doesn't hurt to see adults and kids getting to unwrap surprises and you're just There, handing them all out). (oh and now you're an adult ADDICTED to the concept of surprise gifts becuz you have repressed feelings about 'person who got me smth cuz they like me and saw this and thought of me').

being burnt out and told by your family you're being mean and grinchy and cause all the fights and dramas on the holiday when you just want some peace or not to be asked to do something every 5 seconds. literally. called to cook or pick up or help with something or mocked for being the family blacksheep who gets overstimulated and needs a min or won't allow hugs or won't drink-- just leave me alone just let me be for a moment, please. i'm so tired of always doing everythign for the holidays i never got to be the one that sat down ever since i was fucking 7-8ish i've always been the second matriarch i didn't want to be i'm SICK of it. i'm SICK of having had to pick up my parents slack and be a second parent without realizing it god it's so goddamn exhausing and i don't really dwell on it until the holidays roll around just how long and how much i've had to do to make the holidays what they've been all my life for eeryone else.

this is my first year without my orion

last christmas is when i noticed something was very wrong with him

it fucking klls me how much i miss him. i'm devastated. i hate everyone talking about getting a new pet in this house i just want my boy back i'm so exhausted. my soulmate, my sweet boy, my goofy moose my protector my friend my smelly man. he meant the world to me. and no one fucking gets it.

it feels like there's this constant wall between me and happiness all the time and it's so much more pronounced in winter / especially dec through february. i hate carrying my burdens. i hate having to smile through and push through for something that hurts so much. this time of year is draining and filled with heartache for me. and it aint' even over becuz come my birthday i once again have to deal with the 'day that something bad alwys happens' and be mocked for being old but unaccomplished for my age according to normal people stands.

but i don't know any other way than to ball up my feelings and swallow them with the exception of like middle-of-the-night-diary-shitposting-all-over-the-internet. just throwing up my baggage. hoping the universe hears e i suppose. hoping somehow that yelling into the void can soothe the aches i carry deep down.

i want to hold my dog. i miss my boy so much. i hate pretending. i hate christmas. i hate that it will never have the innocent spark it had in childhood ever again, and will always be a muddled mix of misery and loss and grief and the struggle of adulthood and mockery.

i just want it all to be over.

i don't want to hold up a fake smile anymore or hold up traditions for anyone else i just want to be alone with my sadness and a blnanket. i 'mt not worth much more than finished housework anyway.