#always treated like a child by those older than me and like a weirdo by those my age and younger

[prettyboysmlm]

reminded once again that i don’t have any friends.

[anonbeadraws]

So I caved and with @spacespectres help made an avatarsona! With a big chunky statement to go with it!    (Trigger warnings for homophobia/transphobia, conversion therapy, death and parental abuse. Everyone gets just desserts though.)

‘I’m, actually not sure why I’m here. You can’t help me, my son is gone and the police arn't saying it but - I’m sorry, my ears are- It’s like- You know those alarms, the ones that are made to disperse kids at shopping centres, keep them from causing trouble- not that i think they work. you see more of them these days, scruffy and dirty, what their parents doing, i don’t-  Anyway, it’s like that noise, that high buzz. it’s meant to be that, as you get older, your brain tunes it out, adults aren’t meant to hear it anymore, just keep on shopping without hoodlums hanging about outside smoking and throwing shit at the elderly.   I don’t miss that, Ben’s smoking, i’ll say that. That’s awful to say, i bet you’re thinking, god how terrible, her child’s missing and she’s moaning about a few nicotine stains on the ceiling.

I know theres plenty that would call me a terrible mother anyway, i know the neighbours didn’t agree with my decision, the decision of a single mother, who struggled enough just to keep her child fed and watered and out of trouble, to then struggle to keep him from wearing my lipstick when i was out of the house-!   I have no problem with the gays. I want to say that, have that clear. I just know, what he was doing, that wasn’t my Ben, that wasn’t my son and, the Helping House was what he needed.   I’m his mum, i know what he needed, don’t care what his dad says. he wasn’t here, he wasn’t here to raise Ben, so he doesn’t-

The pamphlet was so nice, so professional and i checked it out online, all 5 stars, apart from the odd protester sticking his oar in, and it was- reassuring to know he’d be looked after, helped! Get what he needed. And he was fine when i left him there, with his old school backpack with all his bits in, the Helping staff there to welcome him. Reminded me a little of when he started primary school, he looked so small, all big eyes…  They promised it’d be a couple of weeks, maybe a month, and then he could come home, all better.

  I got to visit every weekend, which was nice! Sometimes brought him biscuits, can't beat home made, chatted a little. He still had that, that look from when i left, like he was little again, when i could tell he didn’t really want to leave me at the gates, he didn’t want to go in all alone, couldn’t we just go home instead mum?  But i was strong. For him. I resisted.

I think, it was when that look started to go, that little boy look, replaced with something, i don’t really want to think about even now, that i really noticed the other patients. One in particular. He looked different from the others. Props to the Helping House, they keep, kept the kids tidy. it was actually lovely, real treat to see Ben all combed and neat, not smelling like his trash dump of a room. And not a whiff of smoke! i’d honestly not have been surprised if he’d snuck in some ciggies in but if he had, they must have confiscated em quick.    No fags in the Helping House! I mean-! oh you know, what i mean!

But this one,.. they all dressed in clothes from home, apparently they worked out its better for the process, this one was a mess. Half shaved hair, no knees in the jeans and honestly, sunglasses indoors? who did He think he was!? Mick Jagger?  He just slouched in the corner of the visiting room, looking out into the gardens, like he belonged there in that clean good place.  They were nice gardens, well looked after, like the kids. I remember it was coming up summer, lots of lovely flowers. lots of happy bees.

Anyway, i did Not like how Ben looked over at, him, while we had our cups of tea. it was this, gooey soft look i’d never seen on him. later i remembered it. it was how his dad looked when we started courting. That cloying honey sweet love that turned sickly and choking far too quick. God, that look, on my boys face? You bet I had words with the staff before i went. I did not bring my boy here to get help and it be ruined by some hooligan with warped intentions. I made sure they understood. They didn't seem to know what i meant by the Sunglasses kid but it’s a big facility, probably get a lot of patients. Their success rate was incredible really, always seemed to be spaces open. Whatever they did, didn’t do a lot though. Cause i kept seeing him, every time i visited. And he drew a crowd.       At first it was the ones who didn’t have family to come, poor dears. They’d be sat, close as they could to him. They had rules about touching in the Helping House, and rightly so, helps with, the temptation, but they’d sit there, close as they could to him, just listening, sun on their faces from the big glass window.  Now that i’m thinking about it, I don’t think i remember ‘em blinking?    Anyway, Could never hear what was said, what venom that creeper was pouring into their ears, whenever i tried to hear him over the other visitors, it just came over as a low buzz. Well, whatever it was, those kids were hooked.  I didn't like it. And the next weekend, there more of ‘em! You’d have kids that’d be crying one week that their family hadn't come, who didn't give two shits the next, pardon my french. They’d be sat in the corner, happy sappy faces, listening to whatever nonsense that kid was murmuring to his little flock. They didn’t touch, not then, but it was a close thing, i remember being so shocked that nothing was being done about it. It was obviously a problem. that weirdo was the problem.

But my boy didn’t stray. He might’ve looked over at that hive of idiots who worked against what these good people were trying to do for them, with that… look. But he stayed and drank his tea with me like he should. He looked tired, but i knew that’s cause he was working hard, getting better.  i got the reports.

But the last couple of visits, i come in and it’s just my boy in the visitors room.   The rest were outside in the garden, in the flowers. All those kids, twenty or so of em, tangled in each other, touching and so close. I don’t think they were, Doing things but, it was against regulation for sure,  and I stood up, to go do something, anything, even just yell at them to stop it, ask what they thought they were doing!? That’s when the Buzzing started. For a second i thought it was just a bee come in from the garden, poor little bumble trapped indoors but it was in my ears, in my head. It was nothing i’d ever felt before and I’ve had Tinitus and that’s a nasty bugger but it was more than that.

Been to the doctors since. Apparently they can’t work it out, whats causing it. All they can say was it wasn’t Tinitus.

I think it was, Sunglasses looking at me. I remember when i got up, to tell ‘em off, i remember light in the corner of my eye, like a reflection off glass. I think he turned, he knew i was going to stop em and he-

Last sunday was the last time, the last visit. Had a big tin of biscuits, gingerbread, Ben’s favourite, had some nice news about his cousin getting into uni, first in the family! Always had hopes Ben would be the second, but-  Ben wasn’t waiting for me. He was outside. With Them.

Him.

There he was, holding the hand of that freak and the staff were just stood round like numpty’s doing nothing! Dumb faces and vacant as their patients were outside rolling about in the sun like it was the 60’s! And smoking! I thought, they must’ve found a stash cause i could see the smoke, swirling dark against the sky, dark against their smiling, stupid faces.

I was furious. i was, so angry.

I think thats why i did it. I was so angry that i couldn’t think of anything else to do but grab that sunglasses wearing freak who was corrupting my boy, who was holding his hand and steering him wrong and undoing all my work and love, and shake my anger out of him. I was yelling all that, yelling at him. I remember he was light, not as heavy as he should be, not for a kid his age and that he didn’t flinch. And he spoke to me, in that low drone that I thought had been just distance and space distorting his voice, but was just him, god it was just him.

I cant remember exactly what he said, something about love, real love, some hippy nonsense. No, i remember one thing. The little shit asked if i thought i was ‘my child’s real Family.” ‘Of course, i said, ‘i’m his mother’ Then he smiled, like i was wrong and i hated him. And I could see myself, in that dark reflection, in those stupid shades and i couldn’t stand it.   I wish i hadn’t, done what i did. i just didn’t want to see myself in that black mirror anymore, all twisted and hateful.   Turns out it was far nicer than what was behind them.

I let go, dropped it, that thing in ripped jeans and stripes and it fell into the flowers. There were so many happy bees. Thats when i heard the other kids. They had it’s voice, shared it’s voice, that drone. That buzz. i didn’t dare look at them. My ears, started up again, like before but, that sound, their sound, it made it louder and i honestly thought my head might explode and I turn to Ben, my boy, who had dropped to his knees in front of that thing, holding it’s hand and for a second, I thought he was smoking again, dark wisps coming from his downturned face and, I just, my fear turned to anger, for just a second, that he would do that here and now.

But I begged him to come away, to leave it alone, to get better, to just be my little boy again, to come home with mummy. Then he looked up, my Ben, and his face-   it wasn’t smoke, it had never been smoke. it was the same as whatever had been bumbling around in the creature that still lay in the flowers but Ben smiled all the same. I, feel crazy, crazy saying it but- as the bees poured out of my little boy’s smiling mouth in that choking swarm, their buzzing droning out his words, my boys last-

My name is Sarah

i’d never seen him happier.

Apparently I fainted. Never fainted in my life, i’ll tell you, too tough for that sort of thing, but i must’ve. Police think it’s what saved me. I like to think otherwise.   Officially, what happened was that the patients turned on the staff, killed em and left. Simple, explainable. Some sicko’s like to use what happened as an argument against conversion therapy, old hippy dykes that don’t have enough to picket over, idiots.  They didn’t see the bodies, they didn’t see what those ‘helpless victims’ did- They dragged them outside after they killed em, into the sun, into the flowers. I remember waking up once, amongst all the dead. Happy bees, dipping their beaks into the blood of the doctors. Plenty of sugar in blood, I read.

Ben was all i had left, my only family. I don’t have no one left. You don’t get many visitor when the papers insist you made your kid a killer. Don’t even get phone calls from Dave anymore, but i call that blessing. He was barely Ben’s dad anyway. I’ve gotten used to the quiet. i go to work, i come home, watch a bit of telly. the buzz from the old tv only scares me a little. I know i did my best for him. i believe that, after everything. I wouldn’t be here though, if, there wasn’t, something else.

 I had a visitor the yesterday. Wasn’t expecting it, thought it was a missionary, Jehovah’s or something. Was ready to tell them to piss off, i tell you. It was a girl. Said she was my daughter. she looked like my Ben, same smile, same funny little knees he used to scrape up, ones i used to kiss better. It wasn’t Ben. My Ben had eyes. My daughters words buzzed, like there was something in her throat. Perhaps the same things that crawled where her eyes would be, round and yellow and bumbling, i thought, and my head starting hurting again. She only stayed at the door, didn’t come in. She said she just wanted to say hello.

She said she’ll visit again.

That she’ll bring her family.

i don’t think she means me anymore.’ The magnus archives belongs to Rusty Quill, the above belongs to me!

[whatifxwereyou]

Ashes Chapter 15: Same Old Story

Fandom: Mortal Kombat 2021

Pairing: Liu Kang x Reader

Summary: Some history for Y/N and some brotherly love from Cole.

A/N: when you so busy writing smut that you forget to update the story so you can get to the smut lmao. enjoy, fellow nerds.

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You were uncomfortable talking about personal things, particularly your history, but Cole deserved answers and he was a patient listener. Being a father, you weren’t really surprised by that. “When I was a kid, like… nine I want to say? Honestly my childhood is pretty blurry. Feels like another life.” You cleared your throat. “Anyway, yeah, around then I fell ill. I had these… fits, for lack of a better word. I didn’t understand what they meant at the time because I was well, nine. No one else understood them either. As an adult I know that I was experiencing prophetic visions. Honestly, they weren’t really prophetic then, I guess. That’s a word Raiden uses a lot for them. Back then they were rarely of future events. It was more like gaining deep insight into the lives of others. I could touch someone or something that someone else had touched and I would disappear. I’d see a glimpse of their history or their present. I was too young to interpret it.”

“Like touch telepathy? I’ve seen television shows about that concept. This stuff is hard for me to wrap my mind around. Too much like fiction.”

“I suppose that’s a good thing to call it. When I saw things, I would also black out. And have a fit. Like a seizure, I suppose. And when that was happening, I would often say things about what I was seeing or hurt myself. It frightened people. My parents took me out of town and I stayed with my grandmother. I was homeschooled after that. My parents saw it as an embarrassment if I recall.” You laughed at the idea of that now. That life was so far behind you that it didn’t matter how stressful it had been. Back then it had felt like the end of the world but as an adult, it was a distant memory. Those experiences had made you different and strange but they had also made you unique and special. You had embraced the things that had separated you from normality since then.

“Well, that’s awful.”

“Oh, no, no pity. It’s fine, really. That was world’s ago.” You waved off his disapproval of a parent being embarrassed by their child for things they couldn’t control. Cole really was a good guy. “I stopped having the visions at around twelve and while I was weak from being so sick, I fought to be normal afterward. My dad ran a dojo and so I grew strong again. I focused on martial arts. It was something that helped me find strength and determination back then.” You smiled at the memory. You’d always had a fondness for it in your heart. That was one of the first things you and Kung Lao had bonded over. Your father had taught Wing Chun and that was what Kung Lao specialized in. “With time my father could no longer teach at the dojo so he moved in with my older sister. I took over the dojo and then opened a shop in the old storage space to make extra money. I had every intention of moving away. I would never be more than a weirdo or a witch there. It was too small a town.”

“Did you ever get to?”

“I mean, I’m here now. That’s a long story though. I’m trying to keep this brief.” You chuckled. “We can talk about that stuff another day.” That was a more casual and personal conversation. This was personal but definitely not casual. If you didn’t have to share these parts of your life then you never would have. Much of it was still too raw. But Cole Young was curious about your past and you were curious about his. It was nice having another friend who wasn’t Liu Kang. You really did get along with him and his family.

“Fair enough.”

“About five years ago I was still doing the same. There had been a robbery across the street and the thugs came into my shop afterward. And, well, I’m not the type to roll over and be robbed.”

“I’d say not.”

“It escalated. There was a man who came in to pick up herbs I had imported for him every month who came in after. He ended up helping me out. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, I killed one of those would-be robbers. He’d been trying to kill me so… I have come to terms with that. That’s how I got the dragon mark.” You pointed to your back. Yours was on your lower back on your left side. “The man who helped me was Liu Kang. I knew him then and he was kind enough to help me deal with the fallout at the time. It took ages for him to convince me to that there was any truth to any of this… Mortal Kombat and arcana nonsense. It’s kind of embarrassing looking back at it.” And the story was far more complicated too. You’d been attracted to Liu Kang from very early on. “I guess that’s why I’m so patient with Johnny. It’s easy for us to know what’s the truth but when you spend your whole life believing that fairytales are made with computers and science? It’s difficult to believe anything else.”

“Yeah, I get that. Not everyone had Sub Zero rushing them into the truth.” He joked. That was true enough. But Johnny Cage had had his come-to-jesus moment that afternoon you were pretty sure. You hadn’t had a moment like that in the beginning. Just Liu Kang’s word and his arcana.

“Liu showed me his arcana but I thought it was a trick. He was very persistent at the time. Tried to talk me into leaving everything I had ever known for what I thought was a trick. I was scared, I’m not too proud to admit that. The part of me that wanted to leave home and never look back had grown smaller over the years. I’d become complacent. I’d grown comfortable being known as a witch and honestly, the next generation of people in town hadn’t treated me so terribly. The kids even thought it was funny that everyone thought I was a witch. But then… I found my arcana.”

“The ink?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty and under control now but in the beginning, it was a nightmare. The first time I used it had been on accident. I nearly destroyed my store. Then I fell and had a fit and I was suddenly seeing things again. Those things I saw didn’t make any sense. None of it. I saw flashes of people and places I didn’t recognize. The best way that I can describe it is… nonsense. It didn’t mean anything.” You sighed heavily. Those moments had been terrifying. “The second time had been even worse. If Liu hadn’t been basically stalking me then someone would have gotten seriously hurt. I’d hurt him but he’d been tough enough to handle it. I felt terrible about it. By then I’d more than grown fond of him.” You didn’t want to get into the details but it hadn’t exactly been difficult to fall into Liu Kang’s arms and it hadn’t taken very long either.

“There’s a lot of history there, huh?”

“Yes. Focus.” You wanted to get this story over as quickly as you could. “After that I decided to go with him. It wasn’t worth the risk of hurting people in town with something I didn’t understand. I didn’t want to leave but I was glad that I did afterward. Raiden’s Temple was where I had needed to be for what came next. It was awful at first. The ink and the visions made me sick. I had little to no control over any of it. Raiden helped me. He could unravel what I saw even if it was just spaghetti to me. My visions helped him. At least he said that they did. Liu helped me get control over my arcana. There I met Kung Lao and I was happy. About a year later the visions stopped altogether and I was stronger than I’d ever been.”

“And now you’re having them again? Out of nowhere?” Cole didn’t sound terribly concerned. He had handled all of this very well. It was nice not to be taken too seriously or looked at like you were about to fracture. You didn’t think the visions were out of nowhere. In fact, you thought that the visions were likely triggered by Kung Lao’s death. Trauma did funny things to people. The things that happened to you were a little funnier than most.

“I confess that I didn’t realize I was having them at first.” You shrugged. It was difficult to explain but it seemed as though, at some point, Cole had abandoned his disbelief and had embraced chaos. “They were more like nightmares. It was difficult to decipher what was guilt and grief and what wasn’t. It wasn’t until the other night on the roof that I even considered they were visions. Well, that and I feel terrible. I haven’t felt this terrible since the last time I had them.” You were a little embarrassed to admit that. If you’d been honest about what you were feeling from the beginning then maybe you could have done things differently. You just hated being weak. It was a hot button for you.

“And that was when you saw what happened this afternoon?”

“Kind of? I saw the beach and a wave of corpses coming for us. Does that count?” You tried to joke. Cole tilted his head as if to consider if it counted or not.

“It does at least explain why you were extra creepy this morning.”

“Implying that I’m always a little creepy.”

“The ink is a little creepy, I decided.”

“I guess that’s fair.”

“But you’re okay? This morning was wild.”

Did you not seem okay? You supposed that you were feeling out of it after seeing Kung Lao’s death. You definitely weren’t feeling yourself but you thought that you’d hidden it pretty well. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sound a little morose.” Cole looked to the door like he had somewhere else to be. He probably did. He had a family and all that. “I can’t say we know each other very well but whatever happened back there must have hit hard… and I mean… you were so different at the end of it.”

“I’m fine, Cole.” You reassured him with a forced smile. You were a little morose. That was a good word for what you were feeling. You wanted to sleep for the rest of the week until you had to go back to China.

“Ally, Emily, and I are going to go grab dinner. You’re welcome to join us. You could probably use some food.”

“No, no. Thank you but I think that I have encroached upon your family time enough this week.”

“We really don’t mind. You’re good company. Allison asked if you were joining us, even.”

“Really, Cole. I appreciate the offer but I’m not up to it. My social battery is completely drained.” You offered a weary smile. It was nice to be wanted. “I’m going to rest.”

“You’re just… so off. I feel bad leaving you alone.” Cole pulled his phone from his coat pocket. “I’m considering asking if Ally wants to grab food and then bring Emily here to watch a movie with you.”

“It’s okay, Cole. I need the time alone, I think. Besides, I’m allowed to be a little under the weather after that.” You smiled even so. You didn’t want him to pity you. You didn’t need that. You really would be okay. That morning had been difficult but you weren’t prepared to say the real reasons why. You were a mixture of angry and hurt but you’d trudge through it.

“Yeah…”

“Hey, look, you don’t need to feel responsible for me just because of what happened with Kung Lao.” You would happily absolve him of any guilt he felt in that regards. He was guilty of nothing but being a good man.

“What?” Cole was genuinely surprised and you internally winced at how you’d miscalculated. You’d read the whole situation wrong and instantly regretted your words.

“I thought you might be feeling some misplaced guilt about it. I don’t want that for you.”

“Oh. Maybe that was why I approached you on the street that day but I think we’re past that. We’re friends now. Am I wrong about that?”

“Not at all. It’s been lovely getting to know you and your family. I really mean that, I’m not just saying it. You’ve managed to get me a little out of my head which is nice. And you like my jokes which I appreciate. I’m sorry about the way that came off. I wasn’t trying to diminish our friendship. I just didn’t want you to carry around that guilt, either.”

“That goes for you too.”

“It’s been a hard day. I’m not coming across the way that I mean to. Let’s say lost in translation.”

“It’s okay, Y/N. Your English is pretty good so I’m not sure that excuse works, but I’ll let it slide.”

“I know, I know… I’m being cold without meaning to. Like you said, I’m a little morose right now. I do this thing when my feelings are difficult to process where I kind of shut off and… I can come off as cruel without meaning to. Honestly, even in Chinese it doesn’t sound much better.” You couldn’t help but laugh at yourself. “I’m sorry.”

“No need. Today was a reality check. It scared me too. And you’re clearly going through something. I wanted to help, is all. Sometimes when I get too far into my head things snowball and become an avalanche.”

“I appreciate that.” You kicked your shoes off next to the bed and laughed. You had no plans of going anywhere else for the rest of the day. “I used to have Kung Lao to keep that from happening. I appreciate you trying to help but you can go get food with your family and enjoy your afternoon. I’m exhausted. I’ll probably nap or meditate on what happened today.” What you really meant was that you would do whatever it took to get it out of your head. You were going to try and forget the awful things you’d seen today. You weren’t sure you could forget it. His death was burned into your mind’s eye. It would haunt you for the rest of your life.

“I will but before I go, I wanted to talk to you quickly about Liu.”

“I would very much prefer if you didn’t.” You scrunched up your face in distaste.

“I know that I’ve been teasing you about it.” He laughed and you rolled your eyes. “But is everything okay with that? I know, I know… it’s not my business, you’ve said it a dozen times now. It’s clearly complicated. You don’t owe me any details but if you need help with it then say the word. I’m happy to help.” Was Cole Young offering to be your wingman? Or was he offering to beat up Liu Kang? Either scenario was kind of hilarious.

“I’m obviously defensive about it. I’m sure that it’s hilarious from the outside looking in but Liu and I have more history than I care to explain. I’m not ready to get into it with anyone. Not you and definitely not with Liu, either.”

“But that’s okay?”

“Yeah, it will be. I’m a pretty tough lady.”

“On a scale of one to ten just how supportive do you need me to be?”

“No scale. Just be yourself, Cole. You’re doing fine.”

“Even teasing you?”

“I’ve had worse teasing, trust me. I dated Kung Lao for years. Besides, it kind of lessens the frustration of it. Sometimes I get too serious and scary in my head. The joking grounds me a little.”

“Good to know.” Cole patted you on the back. It was nice having a friend to talk to. A friend that wasn’t Liu Kang. Not that you didn’t enjoy Liu Kang, things were just too complex between you right now. There was so much hurt and grief that you weren’t sure how things would pan out or if they would ever be fixable. And Cole was a good man. You enjoyed talking to Allison too and Emily had taken a shine to you. You hadn’t had the opportunity to be around kids in years and you were good with them at most ages. That was part of why you’d enjoyed running the dojo.

There was a knock at your door. You made to get up to answer it.

“I’ll get it. I’m on my way out anyway.” Cole stood and so you sat back down. You wouldn’t argue with him. Cole opened the door and there was Liu Kang, which was no surprise to you. You’d been expecting him to show up at some point. Who else would it have been, anyway? You were pretty sure that you’d rubbed Sonya and Jax the wrong way with all your talk of kidnapping. Cole stared Liu Kang down instead of greeting him and you tried not to laugh.

“Hello Cole.” Liu bowed his head politely in greeting. “I was hoping that I could speak with Y/N for a few minutes. Is she here? Did I come to the wrong room?” Liu peered around him and made eye contact with you. You offered him a curt wave.

“That’s up to her.”

You tried very hard not to laugh at the look of confusion on Liu’s face. He was bewildered.

“Of course it is.”

“You can come in, Liu.” You stopped that conversation before it got any weirder. Cole meant well, but wow.

“I was just leaving.” Cole clasped Liu on the shoulder as if to wish him good luck and then left, closing the door behind him after Liu had stepped past him. Liu watched the door close and then turned back to you. His expression was priceless. You’d have to thank Cole for that later.

Next Chapter >>

[kanohivolitakk]

What Takua/Takanuva means to me as the resident weird kid

Warning: This is going to get a bit personal. I’m not trying to go too in deep on my own life and struggles, just enough to get my point across.

Soo, if you have followed my account for Bionicle content, you probably know me as that one (very vocal) Nidhiki liker. I love the traitor spider and think about him a lot, to the point I’m writing several meta posts on him. However for as much as I love my treacherous mutated spider boy, he wasn’t my favorite character when I first got into the series and first became my favorite character much later on.

No. The first character in Bionicle I truly adored in Bionicle and my favorite character for many years (from 2003 til at least 2010) was Takua/Takanuva. Baby me LOVED Takua. I thought he was a super likeable character and Takanuva was very cool for me. As a kid I really loved bonus heroes (or sixth rangers if you’re a Power Rangers fan) in kids media, because they were cool and had cool powers and were important to the plot but not part of the main gang!! And I feel Takanuva is a big reason I loved extra heroes honestly. Takua was a character that made me really

As I grew older and my taste started to gravitate towards villains and more morally grey heroes, my love for Takua slowly faded away. While I still really like Takua, he was dethroned as my #1 favorite character and slowly fell down on my favorite list, from top 5 to top 10 to top 15 (where he currently is I think?) It went to the point if I started to wonder if my love towards Takua was mostly an imprint of how much I loved Takua as a child rather than how much I like him now.

Well, that was until today, when thanks to the Takua is nonbinary headcanon/meta post by @kanguin (as well as the additions by @crystaltoa), I realized how Takua may as well be one of the most relatable characters in any piece of fiction I ever confused. And not just because I’m a gender ambiguous being.

But for that, I need to go a bit personal.

I was...a bit weird as a child (and still am a bit weird). Always loud, always talkative, curious and obnoxious. You know that kind who was treated as an outcast if not outright bullied. However, my most notable trait as a child was how imaginative I was. I loved to come up with scenarios in my head and play them. That combined with my loneliness (thanks for not having that many friends my age and spending a lot of my free-time either alone or with my extended family from my mothers side) led me often playing by myself. However with my family I kinda came known as that kid who daydreams, always had their head in the clouds and never thinking about real life. As I grew older I never really stopped daydreaming, instead my daydreams switched from playgrounds to writing fanfictions and talking about/ brainstorming headcanons (and pseudo roleplaying) with friends. My relatives still saw me as the weirdo who always was focused on fantasy, never reality.

And just..reading those Takua/Takanuva posts made me realize how, as someone who not only was an outcast but also a curious daydreamer and looked down by their close ones for being such. I started remembering Takuas characterization in Mask of Light, and how a lot of points actually hit really hard for me. In particular, Takua saying to Jaller that he was “always different” from others really hit home for me. I have tried to fit in, to be similar to others...but I have always had quirks and personality traits that made it difficult for me to communicate and blend in(I am currently being diagnosed whether or not I am on the spectrum but thats kinda off-topic).

Another thing thatreally hit home with Takua is that, while he wasn’t bullied per say, the society around him (including his own friends) treated him as a weirdo. WHile I was bullied as a child, I had many more experiences of people who were genuinely nice to me/geniunely liked me (close family members mostly) still finding my behavior a bit strange and trying to get me behave like a normal person (in a non creepy way).

And sure, Takua isn’t the only outcast character out there. But a lot of outcast characters feel unrelatable for me due to their personality being often too timid/shy or too abrasive or just too plain. Takua is none of those things. He’s characterized as curious, friendly (but somewhat socially awkward) and a daydreamer. Someone who rather have fun than do work. And just, as someone who was (and still kinda is) a daydreamer, Takua is a character who reminds me of myself and who I can see a lot of myself in, both how I was as a child and how I am now

So yeah. Takua may not be my #1 favorite character anymore, but I realized how important he is to me and how much I relate to him. He may as well be the most important character for me in the series and that’s saying a lot considering how much a certain traitor spider means to me.

So yeah, godspeed little buddy. Godspeed.

[recurring-polynya]

Your thoughts and headcannons on Nemuri Hachigou because I don't think she gets talked about enough, when in reality she's pretty interesting, she's essentially, a blank slate, Mayuri's second chance that I don't think he feels like he deserves. She's Nemu but she isn't and I think people(especially Mayuri) forget that a lot, that's a fascinating position to be in.

Puttin’ this under a cut because I’m gonna say some unkind things about Mayuri and I do not want to cause any distress to the many lovely people on this website who delight in his horrible antics.

This is not so much a headcanon so much as a thing I came up with for fanfiction purposes, but it’s all I got.

Right. So, like I said, I despise Mayuri. I just hate him. I understand that he appeals to some people, but I strongly dislike the dude and go to exorbitant lengths to avoid him ever appearing in my fanfic.

Additionally, I do not vibe with Nemu 7. She registers as not-a-person for me, she’s basically an extension of Mayuri himself. Don’t get me wrong, I find Mayuri’s treatment of her to be vile and I wish someone would take her away from him, but she comes off as very robotic to me. She is conscious, but she is not an independent being, if that makes sense. She is not a real girl. It’s funny that Mayuri keeps talking about how advanced she is, because clearly he means only her cognitive and fighting abilities. In terms of recreating a person, she’s incredibly primitive compared to the other mod souls we see. Take Kon, for example, who has a fairly limited powerset, but is never presented as less of a soul than any of the other characters. An even more interesting example is Ururu and Jinta. Ururu is described as being older than Jinta, and she is clearly “less human” than him-- she has less affect, she shifts into a distinct “attack” mode, etc, which implies that Jinta represents advances in mod soul technology. It’s notable that Urahara and Tessai and even Renji, in the canon scene where he protects the Shouten kids, never treats them as anything less than people. The contrast with the way Mayuri treats Nemu is stark. He likes that her feelings and personality are limited, he sees this as a feature.

I was completely unmoved by the entire chapter where Nemu died. Her sacrifice did not come across to me as anything indicating growth or humanity-- in every battle she's ever been in, she nearly dies because Kurotsuchi tells her to. She simply prioritizes Mayuri over herself. She always has. It’s simply the logical extension of her programming. A lot of people say they would have preferred Nemu to live and Mayuri to die and for sure I would have *preferred* that, but I have never seen Nemu as enough of a character to be worth rooting for. Like, at least Uryuu would have gotten some satisfaction form killing his clown ass, and that might have convinced me for at least half a second that he actually was on the side of the Quincy.

Caveat: if some talented fanficcer wants to write a short novel on Nemu discovering her humanity etc etc, I’m all for it, I’m just saying that canon hasn’t given us anything to suggest she would do more than just shut down without Mayuri to tell her what to do.

Onto Nemuri 8. I can’t believe they let Mayuri have another one. It makes my blood boil. The dude is an on-screen abuser and Kubo had the gall to try to make me feel sorry feel him (I did not) and then gave him another one.

So, I took her away from him.

I mentioned earlier that I go to great lengths to keep Mayuri the hell out of my fanfic, and usually the way I do that is to have my characters go through Akon whenever they have to deal with Squad 12. I think I started doing this because Akon is sort of weirdly familiar with Renji and Rukia in the TYBW, but I have projected all over him and he’s mine now. The way I assume Squad 12 functions, based on my career in scientific programming, is that Mayuri is like a primary investigator-- he's the Big Ideas guy and he spends a lot of time doing wholly self-directed research. He’s the face of Squad 12, so he has to go talk to the Captain-Commander and beg for money and defend blowing things up, but when it comes to science stuff, he does what he wants. Nemu is the lieutenant, and I think she handles most of the usual lieutenanting-- paperwork, meetings, etc., but I think Mayuri takes up a lot of her time by using her as a personal lab assistant on his wacky projects. There's nothing wrong with this, but I think in a lot of squads, the lieutenant is responsible for the day-to-day running of the squad and spends a lot of time dealing with their subordinates and other lieutenants. Nemu, instead, focuses on her captain. Now, the rest of the Gotei counts on Squad 12 for a lot actually-- gigai, Hollow tracking, Dangai monitoring, etc. etc. From the point of view of most science people, this stuff is mundane-- it’s all application, not development, and all the difficulty is in the twitchy little details. It’s frustrating and it’s unrewarding and you never get credit for it, and it is vitally important. There is a certain kind of science professional that makes a career out of this. They usually have master's degrees instead of PhDs, and they are usually tragically underpaid and underappreciated for what they do. In the real world, without these people, you wouldn’t have mass vaccination sites or weather data on your phone or cute li’l robots landing on other planets. In Bleach, these are the people keeping soul reapers alive in the field. And in my mind, this is Akon’s department.

So here’s the headcanon:

After Nemu’s death, Mayuri has so much sad clown pain about it that he wants another robot child poste-haste, but can’t bring himself to do the actual work, so he shoves it off onto Akon, with a list of the design specs he wants. The last one was pretty good, Akon can handle a few minor upgrades, it doesn’t need his personal hand in it. Thinking about going through all that work again just pisses him off, honestly. What a waste!

And Akon's like, yeah, cool, fine. It was heavily implied that he did a lot of the work on Nemu 7, it's just a matter of digging out his old notes and cleaning out some vats.

Except that, right around the same time, Rukia and Renji decide to have a baby.

Babies are super rare in the Gotei, and it’s not like those stuffy nobles are gonna let Akon look at their precious offspring. But Rukia is a rank weirdo, and Akon is their pal, so she’s always like “I hear they have these things in the Living World where you can pee on a stick and tell if you’re pregnant, can you make me one?” and Akon’s brain goes, “Wow, what even is the first detectable sign of a newly formed soul, this is very interesting.” So, at the same time he’s trying to grow a new and improved Nemu, he’s got access to the developing fetus of two captain-class shinigami. So when he has to pick between eight good candidate embryos to move to the next vat, he picks… not the one with the strongest reiatsu signature, like they did last time, but the one whose reiatsu looks the most like a real baby.

Akon reminds me of a lot of programmers I know, so I always sort of headcanon him as particularly interested in whatever passes for programming in Squad 12, and I think he takes special interest in revamping Nemu’s artificial intelligence system, which is primarily based on taking in information about the world and building up a realistic personality based on people she observes. In particular, it gives extra weight to “people who resemble her”. Nemu 7 was raised by Squad 12, so she came up very Squad 12, just like Mayuri wanted. Unfortunately, toddler Hachigou Nemuri’s algorithm unexpectedly decides that she has much more in common with toddler Abarai Ichika than any of the adult soul reapers around her.

Nemuri 8 is a very successful sample in terms of power and intelligence but she’s also very boisterous, and the rest of Squad 12 is like “Akon do something” so Akon takes drastic measures: he asks Renji for parenting advice. Distressingly, Renji is full of useful ideas like “tire her out” and “only fight the important battles” and “we’re signed up for baby yoga, you wanna start comin’ to baby yoga? Your back is gonna thank you.”

Akon didn't mean to let them hang out so much, but Ichika is a very useful data point and also if he takes Nemuri over to the Abarai house, the girls will entertain themselves (i.e. chew on each other) long enough for him to have a beer with Renji and Rukia and honestly my man really needs that beer.

I don’t think Akon thinks of himself as Nemu’s dad past the first time when she calls him ‘Daddy’ and he corrects her (she only did it because that’s what Ichika calls Renji, very predictable quirk of her programming). She’s just a work project. She’s not even his project, she’s Mayuri’s project, he’s just handling the little details. Fathering just happens to be an adjacent field of study that he’s found to contain a number of very useful best practices.

I would prefer not to get into the detail of the physical abuse that Mayuri uses against Nemu 7, but I would like to think that Akon finds ways to protect Nemuri 8 from the same, or barring that, maybe this is what finally drives Akon to murder Kurotsuchi and become Squad 12 captain himself.

Other Nemuri Headcanons:

Her favorite book is Rejection of the Twin Fishes!, Captain Ukitake’s posthumously published children’s book.

She prefers to be called “Nemuri” over “Nemu.”

Nemuri’s second favorite person in Squad 12 after Akon is Rin, because he always has candy. Rin actually likes having someone to share his hobby with and helps her make a World of the Living Snack Bucket List. When other shinigami come in for gigai, Nemuri constantly tries to con them into bringing something back for her.

Rukia teaches her to cuss, but tells her never to do it around Akon. Nemuri never actually cusses around anyone, but really enjoys having Forbidden Knowledge.

Speaking of Forbidden, she is mildly obsessed with Urahara, even though she’s never met him. She’s constantly on the lookout for thumbprints of his work in modern Squad 12 technology.

The one thing she does have in common with Mayuri is an absolutely batshit personal aesthetic. She starts painting her face as a tween and is somewhat inconveniently both into piercings and inflatable outfits.

The true proof that she has surpassed her predecessor, at least in terms of humanity, is that she is able to learn the name of her zanpakutou.

Oh, if you want to read any of my fanfics with Nemuri, here's one where she and Ichika play football and here's one where she tries to con Byakuya into buying her shaved ice. I really like writing Nemuri hanging out with Byakuya because I think an adult man who navigates social settings via rigid system of etiquette and class hierarchy and a small child with a pile of Markov chains for a brain would be natural friends.

[fellowstrangetownappreciator]

La Fiesta Tech and other unfortunate decisions 1: Greek House powered by hatred (Tank and Johnny)

After my last post about my general play style for university in TS2, here I come with something more specific! (aka a blog that promised to be about gameplay is finally posting gameplay)

I ran 35 Sims through college at once - the 8 Strangetown and Pleasantview teens, La Fiesta Tech premades, plus student bin families from the other two universities. In this post I’ll focus on one of the households, what their general experience was and what are my headcanons about it.

Now, I don’t have the save file anymore. The neighborhood succumbed to corruption just a rotation after, so I restarted. It was a learning experience and now I know to run HoodChecker after every rotation and to batbox gossip memories frequently. However, I’m over it and enjoying my new hood even more, I just thought I write a short disclaimer that these bits won’t have any mentions in future posts. But my interpretation of the characters still stands and doesn’t change regardless of save files.

Anyway, let’s get down to business!

...to defeat Academic Probation.

When Johnny Smith signed up for an assignment to establish and lead a Greek House of his own, he was overjoyed. Even more so when he saw the name "Grunt" as his assigned partner.

Founding a Greek House with Ripp? AWESOME!

But... the Grunt in question wasn't Ripp...

No. It was the a**hole Grunt. They’ve already been living in one dorm (with like 14 other people) and the place was a battleground.

To be fair, Johnny and Tank didn't just fight and nothing else. Yes, fighting was like 90 % of how they usually spent their time together but there was something else...

Chess.

In this particular game Johnny had become surprisingly fond of chess and frequently rolled the want to play it.

Chess has always been Tank's favorite game.

They played quite often and it was one of the rare times they were having fun together and actually talked instead of yelling.

But are a few games of chess enough to earn one forgiveness for a teenhood of nastiness and abuse?

In Johnny's eyes rightfully not.

He had to admit the a**hole is quite chill when he's not being a total d*ckhead but that didn't change anything about the fact that Tank had been terrible to him for no good reason ever since forever and he hated him for that.

Those feelings... weren't completely mutual.

College was Tank's awakening. He found himself away from his father, away from prying eyes that would judge him for not being perfect and for the first time in his life, he felt quite free.

And empty. And alone. He realized he had no friends and that the only person who truly liked him was his father and he would most probably stop if he ever learned of Tank's inner world.

He decided it was a high time for a change.

But habits aren't easy to break, especially if they're the only thing you know. Tank had never learnt to relax around people, never learnt to talk to them just to get to know them, never learnt to express himself, never learnt how to make friends.

Why, he had never needed to! They would have been a weakness, an unmanly stain of lollygagging on his consciousness. He was taught that friendships form themselves on the battlefield and it's a waste of time to try to create them otherwise.

It was quite awkward when he started approaching Ripp in attempts to mend their relationship. Tank has hurt Ripp in the past, he actually treated them quite horribly, fueling his own confidence from being the older, bigger, stronger one and from their father approving of such behavior.

Their father has never said it out loud but it has always been simply there that Tank was the superior one. More obedient, stronger, faster, more masculine. Smarter, even! How could Ripp with an attitude like theirs, with their lousy academic results even compare to by-the-book and hardworking Tank?

Yet it was Ripp who was seemingly happier, like they didn't even care about father's disapproval or the pressure of being the offspring of a venerated general. Tank realized he admired them for that. They did things Tank wouldn't even dream of. They didn't hide who they were.

Forgiveness... forgiveness isn't easy to attain. But Tank was determined to try anyway. At the very least he would stop causing any more harm to his sibling in the future.

It wasn't that straightforward with his new alien roommate, though.

Johnny was special. First he despised him because his father taught him they were inherently dangerous and invasive, they needed to be driven away. But that got quickly buried under memories of aggression and hostile experiences. It was by all means Tank who started it and Johnny was only fighting back but that didn't matter deep in Tank's head, his brain had connected Johnny to unpleasant, awful things regardless.

But he was also the most... attractive person Tank knew. Tank couldn't help himself. He wished Johnny Smith wasn't an alien, so they could've been friends right from the start. He was athletic, even more than Tank, was interested in the same sports as him and was damn good at them, he has always had good grades without seemingly having to study that much, and all around, he would make such a worthy friend!

Friend. Was that something Tank sincerely had on mind when he fantasized about Johnny? (And did he do that a lot!) No. Not at all.

Ripp has long been out, proud and loud about their orientation, not denying they liked boys and girls and anything in between and beyond, and the general was giving them dirty looks and deprecating remarks for it. He wasn't outright punishing them, mainly because he expected nothing more from Ripp and knew his middle child was simply "a weirdo" but Tank was sure his reception would be even worse if he came out.

He was supposed to be the good son, after all. The heir. He was not supposed to think or do or, by the Watcher, be something his father considers perverted and unmanly. He could only imagine the horrible things the general could say to him and the thought alone was enough to make him shudder.

Once again Tank simply didn't understand Ripp. They liked girls, so the world didn't even had to know that it's not all there is to it. They could've just find themselves a girlfriend and not face any judging generals. That's what Tank would do!

But he couldn't. He wasn't like Ripp. He only ever felt attracted to other men and male-presenting people. There was nothing he could do, no way he could force himself to be any other way.

And nobody knew. Not even that girl from their high school that Tank asked to prom so that he didn't look weird. They were on amicable terms but they weren't even friends, they just helped each other out so they didn't seem like outcasts to the whole school on the prom night.

He remembered his father being elated and encouraging him to invite his "girlfriend" for a dinner soon, so he could meet the fine young lady that might just one day become his daughter-in-law.

Tank had to tell him that it unfortunately "didn't work out" and that he "needs to focus on his studies and training anyway" and the general then praised him for it.

Little did he know that his favorite son, even back then, was not only gay but had a hopeless crush on an alien boy.

Every time Tank tried to interact with Johnny and be nice to him, he got reminded of his feelings he was so ashamed of and of his fear of his father disavowing him, so he said something mean instead or didn't talk to him at all.

The only exception was chess.

Sometimes, when a game neared its end, they spoke. And they talked... casually. It was awkward and cautious but it was a conversation and it felt... good.

Playing chess with Johnny became Tank's guilty pleasure. (even worse than watching make-up tutorials on SimTube!)

Being forced by the assignment to live together for six semesters was equal parts a living hell and a dream come true.

They had a small house on La Fiesta Tech premises that they were to transform into a lively Greek House.

"This place looks like shit and smells like a prison cell. Or vice-versa?"

"You got everything you have for free, Smith. Stop bitching."

Johnny sighed and opened up a book. "Says someone whose loaded dad literally sent him money for this house."

"I thought your family was also well off. Is that incorrect?"

"We have a financial situation called None of your business, Grunt."

"Sorry for asking like a normal person."

"Nothing you do is 'like a normal person'."

...

"I quit! You're unhinged, Smith!"

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I found a knife under your pillow!"

"You found -what? Why the f*ck were you looking under my pillow?!"

"I was just changing the sheets. I did mine, so I thought I'll do yours, too!"

"Why the f*ck would you change the sheets on MY flipping bed?"

"Because you are a disgusting manchild and it stank."

"I was gonna change them tonight! And, guess what!"

"What?"

"YOU also have a knife under your pillow!"

"I don't!"

"Yes, you do, liar."

"How do you know that?"

"I saw you put it there yesterday, you galaxy brain. The question is, why the hell do you have a f*cking knife under your pillow?"

"Why do you, Smith?"

"Because I live with your ass. I sleep better knowing you can't just murder me in my sleep. Now you tell."

"Same. I've slept with a knife under my pillow ever since grade school in case a robber got to our house. I won't stop now that I live with YOU!"

"..."

"I won't kill you. I'm not a freak! Killing is wrong, even if it's parasites such as you. And, besides, I'm not stupid. If you turned up dead, I'll would be charged immediately, even if I didn't do it."

"So why do heck do you think I would kill you, Grunt?"

"I... don't know."

"Anyway, were you for real? Are you quitting? We fail this assignment but I'm chill with that if it means getting rid of you."

"No, no! I'm not going anywhere until we pass. I'm not a quitter! But if you want to quit, I'll respect that and be glad this circus is finally over."

"Fine. Are we getting pizza for dinner tonight?"

...

“I invited my family for a lunch...”

“Alright. I’ll be in the library. Or the gym. Haven’t decided yet.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I want you to be here, Grunt.”

“Why? So you can all make fun of me?”

“Stop being so defensive. I want you to be here, so you can just chill with us. And my folks are gonna know you’re actually... okay.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“And if you hang out with mom, dad and Jill, you’re gonna know they’re okay, too.”

“That’s not how this works. I can’t just act like we’re friends now and everything’s peachy.”

“Well, who said that? Maybe that’s exactly how it works. You never know until you try!”

“If anything goes wrong-”

“Nothing’s gonna go wrong. It’s not that deep. We’re been living together for nearly three f*cking years and had a sh*tton of time to talk. In fact, I already told them you’re my friend now.”

“I thought we agreed we wouldn’t use the F-word!”

Johnny laughed. “What? F*cking? F*ck? C’mon! Your dad can’t hear us!”

“No, the other one. The FR-word.”

Johnny rolled his eyes and grinned. “Go friend yourself!”

“Okay, I’ll stay for the lunch. I’ll go get my tuxedo...”

“Please don’t.”

Reaching a truce was a painfully slow and slowly painful process. Sometimes Johnny wondered if there’s even a point. Sometimes Tank wondered if it wouldn’t be better just to focus fully on his studies and forget that Johnny existed.

But they had to live together, they had to work together organizing parties and happenings in order to grow the Greek House. They had to speak. And when the exams drew nearer, the only person who was available for evening study sessions was usually the other.

What did they study anyway?

Tank rolled the want to major in Drama while Johnny studied Political Science. Tank has never told his father the truth of what his field of study is and knowing his father has access to the university's statistics and probably could fact check that in Tank's house there lives a Drama major and a PolSci major, he pretended he's doing Political Science and Johnny is the one majoring in Drama.

When the general came for a visit to attend Tank's graduation, Johnny played along with his lie.

The relationship between Tank and Johnny improved drastically over the three years. They still weren't exactly close friends but were healing with a prospect of a friendship further along the way.

Were they romantic with one another?

No. Johnny reciprocated Tank's attraction and maybe something could happen in the future but Johnny fell in love autonomously with somebody else.

With a different Grunt, to be exact.

(typing angrily)

Anyway, even though Tank's crush on Johnny ended up futile, it was still a great experience for him.

In college, Tank Grunt really flourished, despite the initial struggle. He realized a lot about himself and started working on his social skills and repairing his relationships.

He also found a friend in none other than Ophelia Nigmos and she became the first person he ever came out to.

Plus, he was the most academically successful Sim of the whole 35 students I played, being the only one who graduated with a flawless 4.0 GPA.

Unlike Ripp, Tank returned back to live with their father and Buck for the time being. He was expected to enter the army and needed a place to be. Moreover, the general was vocal about choosing him as the heir who inherits the Grunt house someday, so it was simply right for Tank to go back and live there.

Was it? Wasn’t it?

Tank was definitely having second thoughts.

He didn’t wonder anymore if military was the right career path for him. He knew it wasn’t.

But was he ready to let the world know who he really was?

[lady-deaaaath]

You Are You-Grelle x Othello Drabble

Something that came to my mind a while ago.

Warnings: Mentions of the past, a transphobic family and slight dark themes. 

(Note: This is exactly what I went through with my own family, so the reason I relate to Grelle and how she’s my comfort character.)

---

Grelle Sutcliff and Othello, along with Ronald were tasked to see a person whose soul they needed to reap. Grelle was her usual self, Ronald supporting himself on his lawnmower death scythe. Othello only came with them, because he was bored and would rather tag along with them, than being locked inside his own division of reapers.

“So? Is this the place?” Grelle asked, grabbing a lock of her crimson hair and played with it.

“It appears it is, at the little Sunnyville.” Ronald confirmed with a nod, checking the paper that was given to them.

Suddenly, Grelle stiffened completely, her porcelain skin becoming pale and sweat came running from her forehead to her cheeks.

“S-Sunnyville?” She stammered, pulling off one of her black gloves and poking at her nails with her other gloved hand. A habit of hers when she was nervous or afraid of something.

“Sutcliff-Senpai? Are you doing well?” Ronald noticed the change in Grelle’s behavior and so did Othello, who raised a brow at it.

“What the matter might be, Grelle-Chan?” He inched closer to her, right as Ronald moved closer too.

Grelle was this anxious because the name of the place brought her very, very undesired memories of her past as human and her very, very unhealthy and transphobic family spun around her mind. She didn’t at all want to remember all that. She was tormented by them, and a severe headache was starting to throb her head as she groaned and put her hands on her temples, and shrunk to the ground. Remembering all that, almost put her sick enough to start throwing up what she ate a while ago with the other reapers.

“Senpai?!” Ronald crouched down to her, putting a hand on her shaking shoulder. Othello did the same with her other shaking.

“Grelle-Chan, you have to tell us what is it with you. Otherwise we won’t be able to help you!” The scientist reaper advised her, completely not liking how Grelle was acting, it looked like she was remembering memories that she really didn’t want to remember.

“...Sunnyville... family... I’m a freak...” Grelle could only stutter those words. The headache wasn’t letting her speak clearly. Noticing a bench nearby, Othello nodded at Ronald to help him move Grelle over to there and so they did, gently sitting her there, both took seats by her sides, leaving her in the middle.

“Can you tell us what is that about?” Othello asked her, gently. Waiting for her to calm down a little, so she couldn’t smile. Ronald had opened a water bottle they’d brought when they got thirsty and handed it over to the troubled reaper lady who took deep breaths to calm down. Once she did, she sighed and began explaining.

“I’m sorry... the name Sunnyville brings me very terrible memories. I’ll explain everything.”

--

“Grelle, come down. It’s dinner time, you boy.” Called Mrs. Sutcliff upstairs to the youngest child that the family had.

Grelle Sutcliff, that time a human in her 13′s came down, wearing her red dress that she adored wearing. Her family didn’t approve of her ways of living or her preferences.

“Again with dressing like that? Grelle Sutcliff! You’re a boy, a man. Act like one now!” Said her father, who was a very short-fused man and clearly disapproved of his youngest’s ways of dressing and acting.

“Dad, he’s just a weirdo. A freak. If he won’t accept the fact that he was biologically born a MALE.” Said the eldest son of the family. Walter. He scoffed and made fun of Grelle, even forced her to fall down, when he extended his leg to make her trip over.

“Freak, only women wear dresses.” the second eldest son scoffed at Grelle, throwing some cheese at her face and laughing at her.

Grelle felt terrible. She didn’t have a loving home or family, everyday she had to deal with this and it was really taking a toll on her mental health, she didn’t have any support. Both her parents always rebuked her so harshly. Her siblings hurt her and bullied her.

“Get up.” Her father yanked her off and scowled at her.

“B-but, I really I’m a lady. I want to wear red dresses, go to fashion stages and be the most beautiful lady of all London!” Grelle protested, hurt and inddignant that she didn’t have any support at all.

“Shut up!” Slap. Her father had struck her in the face. “You will go to your room, and write three thousand times, I am a man and I will act like one. Now. You’ve lost your dinner tonight.”

With a hand clutching her stinging cheek, Grelle sniffled and hurried up to her room, locking the door and doing just what she was ordered to do. She was crying, heartbrokendly. What horrible family she was born to. She didn’t accept that she was a boy, of course she wasn’t. In her heart and mind, she was a lady. And to the heart nothing or no one could lie too. If only she had someone to come to, someone supporting of her and her choice.

Days went by and nothing ever changed in her family. By the time Grelle turned 15 she had required that her party was the most fancy and girly possible. This earned her a harsh lashing out from her father and mother, her siblings laughing at her and calling even more names. For not wanting to comply dressing how they wanted her too, she was caned thirty times and sent to her room without food. She spent the whole day crying herself till very late in the night, before she eventually cried herself to sleep. That was when she decided to choose this choice. 

The next day the family didn’t see Grelle coming down for breakfast, to which they thought she was just taking a lot of time dressing weirdly again. The father went up the stairs and slammed the door open, to which... he saw his youngest child hung from the windown, long dead.

“WHAT DID YOU DO, YOU CRAZY BOY?!”

For once in his life, Mr. Sutcliff cried so heartedly at his youngest’s death, Mrs. Sutciff did too. Both of them regretted it when it was too late. The other two children of the family, didn’t really feel any remorse for their dead sibling.

“It was best that the freak died. He was such a creep, we’re better off him!” Grelle’s older brothers were the biggest douches in the whole world, they laughed off her death, while their parents actually didn’t take joy in it. They whole heartedly regretted treating their child like if she was just a weird specimen, preferring the girly stuff over the guy stuff.

--

“...I-I was treated s-so terribly b-by them... e-every single of them!” By the time Grelle finished telling her story, she broke down crying in her hands. Those memories hurt a lot, it ached her heart, and even then, some reapers in the Dispatch didn’t address like how she wanted.

“Oh, Grelle-Chan...”

“Senpai...”

Both Othello and Ronald hugged her gently, they felt absolutely terrible for her and felt absolutely furious at her family, if they were alive still, for sure Othello and Ronald would personally go to them, despite the rules forbidding them to interpose with the humans and made them pay for all the pain and torment they put her to go through.

“Grelle-Chan...” Othello cooed gently, a hand running through her long, crimson hair. “Even though you had a truly awful family, they were so blind as to never know or value such a wonderful lady as you.” 

Grelle slightly lifted her face, to look at Othello, as tears rain down her cheeks, and she let out little sobs. “O-Othello...”

“You are wonderful and amazing, Lady Sutcliff, and any one else that says otherwise, are fools and blind. I’ll always believe you’re a beautiful woman!” Othello said, with a warm tone, and in his face honesty was painted. He meant everything that he had told Grelle.

“What he says, Lady-Senpai. Count on me that I’ll also believe you’re a great, beautiful lady.” Ronald joined in. He respected his Senpai a lot, and if she wanted to be seen as a lady, then he would treat her like one, just like how Othello was doing currently.

“T-thank you, guys... it means a lot to me...” Grelle had managed a small, sad smile. Leaning over and now wrapping her arms around Othello, who pulled her into a tighter hug. Ronald was patting her back, helping comfort her.

“Anything for you,” Othello had always believed Grelle was just the perfect lady, in his eyes she was and she will always be. He would always be there for her and would defend her from the unkind, hurtful reapers around her.

“Oh, Othello...” Grelle smiled wider know, letting the last of her tears roll down her cheeks, while gently nuzzling Othello’s neck with her cheek. Ronald was smiling at them, it seemed like the both of them were going to become something else more closer. Othello was perfect for Grelle, they have had a long friendship before, and now that friendship was turning something else.

“Thank you so much, for being there for me, Othello.”

[vitanitf]

BASIC QUESTIONS

First name? “Vitani.”

Surname? “Leu.”

Middle names? “Alala.”

Nicknames? “V.”

Date of birth? “August 20th, 1998.”

Age? “Twenty two.”

PHYSICAL / APPEARANCE

Height? “5′4.”

Weight? “121 pounds.”

Build? “Athletic.”

Hair color? “Pink right now.”

Hair style? “Buzzcut.”

Eye color? “Brown.”

Eye shape? “Shit, I don’t know. Deep set?”

Glasses or contact lenses? “I wasn’t born with no weak ass eyes.”

Distinguishing facial features? “Freckles.”

Which facial feature is most prominent? “My jawline.”

Which bodily feature is most prominent? “While I’d love to say my ass, I think it would be my arms.”

Other distinguishing features? “A shit ton of little scars.”

Skin? “Light.”

Hands? “Strong.”

Make up? “I do eyes and lips, that’s all. Eyeliner, lipstick. Eyeshadow and mascara if I’m feeling frisky.”

Scars? “Trust me, honey, someone like me has a lot of those.”

Birthmarks? “Wouldn’t you like to see?”

Tattoos? “None. Yet.”

Physical handicaps? “Non-existent.”

Type of clothes? “Depends on what kind of mood I’m in.”

How do you wear your clothes? “I’m guilty of a little tailoring if needed.”

What are your feet like? “What the fuck? Weirdo. Good enough, why? You want pictures?”

Race / Ethnicity? “Half black, half white.”

Mannerisms? “I’m a shifter. Always moving my weight from one leg to the other.”

Are you in good health? “Better be. I ain’t worked my ass off for nothing.”

Do you have any disabilities? “No.”

PERSONALITY

What words or phrases do you overuse? “Fuck, shit, Hell, ass, damn. Bitch too, if you catch me in a bad mood.”

Do you have a catchphrase? “What kind of cheesy ass bullshit would that be?”

Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? “Pessimistic.”

Are you introverted or extroverted? “Introverted.”

Do you ever put on airs? “Sometimes it’s necessary.”

What bad habits do you have? “Saying inappropriate things at inappropriate times. Wanting to punch something when I get pissed.”

What makes you laugh out loud? “People falling. Gets me every time.”

How do you display affection? “I don’t.”

Mental handicaps? “Listen, if I didn’t have any of those after my childhood, I’d be fucking unstoppable, huh?”

How do you want to be seen by others? “Important.”

How do you see yourself? “Lost.”

How are you seen by others? “Intimidating.”

Strongest character trait? “My independence.”

Weakest character trait? “My stubbornness.”

How competitive are you? “Hella.”

Do you make snap judgements or take time to consider? “I make snap judgements. I’m working on it, alright?”

How do you react to praise? “If I ever get any, I’ll let you know.”

How do you react to criticism? “I either get pissed or I try to do better. Or both. Usually both.”

What is your greatest fear? “That I can’t stop myself from turning into my mom.”

What are your biggest secrets? “I’ve done a lot of shit I’ll never repeat. I can’t.”

What is your philosophy of life? “I don’t know anymore. I’m just trying to go day by day.”

When was the last time you cried? “When I ended up at Kiara’s after beating the shit out of some poor girl in a club. First and last time I ever remember crying.”

What haunts you? “My past. A lot of it.”

What are your political views? “Anyone but Scar.”

What will you stand up for? “My beliefs, no matter how twisted or wrong or confused they may be. I think I’ve proved that point.”

Who do you quote? “No one.”

Are you indoorsy or outdoorsy? “Outdoorsy. I hate being inside too long. It feels like being a wild animal trapped in some tiny enclosure. I can’t stand it.”

What is your sinful little habit? “Oh, baby, I’ve got plenty of those.”

What sense do you most rely on? “You have to rely on all of them to get by. You can’t pick and choose. You have to keep them all sharp.”

How do you treat people better than them? “Excuse me? Who are you saying is better than me? At what?”

How do you treat people worse than them? “Depends what they’re worse at.”

What quality do you most value in a friend? “If I had friends, I assume it would be loyalty.”

What do you consider an overrated virtue? “Kindness.”

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? “I’d like to be content in my skin, not have to strive for approval anymore. It’s a hard habit o shake.”

What is your obsession? “Knives. God, I love knives.”

What are your pet peeves? “Hypocrites. Cutting in line. Loud ringers. Pop music. Too much traffic. Goody two shoes.”

What are your idiosyncrasies? “I lick my lips too damn much.”

FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Is your family big or small? Who does it consist of? “As far as I’m concerned, there’s Nuka. That’s it.”

What is your perception of family? “It’s fucked up, it’s a trap, and you’re better off if you never have any.”

Do you have siblings? Older or younger? “Two brothers. I’m the middle child.”

Describe your best friend. “I don’t have one.”

Ideal best friend? “Someone that wouldn’t annoy the Hell out of me.”

Describe your other friends. “I don’t have friends.”

Describe your acquaintances. “Okay, those. They’re cool. I’d put Penelope, Sadie and my boss on that list.” 

Do you have any pets? “No.”

Who are your natural allies? “My brother.”

Who are your surprising allies? “I guess you could say Kiara.”

PAST AND FUTURE

What were you like as a baby? As a child? “Fucked up. I didn’t play with other kids. I wasn’t allowed to have friends. I went to school, I trained, I went to bed. A lot of times without dinner. I spent I don’t know how many nights listening to gunshots hoping we weren’t next. So, yeah. Fucked up.”

Did you grow up rich or poor? “Poor.”

Did you grow up nurtured or neglected? “What do you think?”

What is the most offensive thing you ever said? “How long do you got?”

What is your greatest achievement? “Making it out of that shithole alive.”

What was your first kiss like? “It wasn’t even a first kiss, it was a make out session during sex. I’ve never been kissed just to be kissed.”

What is the worst thing you did to someone you loved? “I let my family treat Nuka like shit, then I let him leave and I didn’t follow. I didn’t check up on him. I guess I thought… I guess I didn’t realize I had a choice, or how clear the right one was. There’s no excuse. I should’ve stood up for him.”

What are your ambitions? “I just want to do better.”

What advice would you give your younger self? “Run. As soon as you can, run as far as you can get. It has to be better than this.”

What smells remind you of your childhood? “Copper, mildew, sulfur and smoke.”

What was your childhood ambition? “To make mama and Scar proud.”

What is your best childhood memory? “You’re going to think I’m shitting you if I say I don’t have one, but I don’t have one.”

What is your worst childhood memory? “Oh, those, I’ve got a whole notebook of those.”

Did you have an imaginary childhood friend? “No.”

When was the last time you were crushed with disappointment? “When I was told to leave. Do you know what it feels like realizing your entire life was a goddamn lie? It’s maddening.”

What past act are you most ashamed of? “Thinking it was okay to live the way I was living.”

What past act are you most proud of? “Deciding I was going to move and move on. It took a push, but I decided to be a bigger person. I did that.”

Has anyone ever saved your life? “More than a few times. Where I grew up, if you’re not saving one another, you’re all fucked.”

Strongest childhood memory? “It was storming. We didn’t have any candles or lamps or nightlights. I remember wanting to run to Kovu’s room. I was so scared I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was just a kid… but I wasn’t allowed to be scared. So I laid there watching the lightning until I fell asleep.”

LOVE

Do you believe in love at first sight? “No.”

Are you in a relationship? “No.”

How do you behave in a relationship? “I wouldn’t know.”

When did you last have sex? “It’s been… what, a week?”

What sort of sex do you have? “I’m a little kinky. I’ll leave it at that.”

Have you ever been in love? “Hell no.”

Have you ever had your heart broken? “If you want to call it that.”

CONFLICT

How do you respond to a threat? “Threaten back.”

Are you most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue? “Fists, but I can multitask if you want to keep it interesting.”

What is your kryptonite? “A hot girl. I’m putty in her hands.”

If you could only save one thing from your burning house, what would it be? “I don’t have anything worth saving.”

How do you perceive strangers? “Threats until proven otherwise.”

What do you love to hate? “Cockiness. It can be pretty damn sexy.”

What are your phobias? “I don’t have any.”

What is your choice of weapon? “Guns are more effective, but I’m a knife kid through and through.”

What living person do you most despise? “Zira.”

Have you ever been bullied or teased? “Kids were too afraid of me to tease me.”

Where do you go when you’re angry? “I’m trying to remember to just go away. Take a deep breath, count to ten, chill the fuck out. It’s really fucking hard.”

Who are your enemies and why? “The outsiders. I wasted two decades fighting tooth and nail for them. I put my life on the line. I gave them everything I had and more, and they turned their back on me. They can all rot in Hell.”

WORK, EDUCATION AND HOBBIES

What is your current job? “I’m a bartender at the Pit Stop.”

What do you think about their current job? “It’s not a bad job. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not glamorous, but it pays the bills. The guy hired me on the spot. No experience. No nothing. I’ve got a lot of respect for Mr. McQueen.”

What are some of your past jobs? “You don’t wanna know.”

What are your hobbies? “It all revolves around combat training.”

Educational background? “High school GED.”

Intelligence level? “Higher than yours.”

Do you have any specialist training? “Twenty fucking years of it.”

Do you have a natural talent for something? “Yeah, martial arts and spear throwing.”

Do you play a sport? Are you any good? “I don’t play any sports, but trust me, I’d be good.”

What is your socioeconomic status? “I got too much other shit to worry about. Check back in a year or two.”

FAVORITES

What is your favorite animal? “Lions.”

Which animal do you dislike the most? “Giraffes. What do they even do with those long ass necks? Eat leaves? What a waste.”

What place would you most like to visit? “Africa.”

What is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? “Don’t you dare laugh at me. I’ll fuck you up. There’s something about sunsets that always stops me in my tracks. I’m serious, not a giggle.”

What is your favorite song? “I don’t listen to music.”

Music, art, reading preferred? “Art.”

What is your favorite color? “Red.”

What is your password? “And why would I tell you that?” (576342rtsyssy572xlc2l)

Favorite food: “I’m partial to steak.”

What is your favorite work of art? “Dunno.”

Who is your favorite artist? “Dunno times two.”

What is your favorite day of the week? “There’s something about Thursdays that just feel right.”

POSSESSIONS

What is in your fridge? “I’m not gonna lie, it’s running low right now. I know there’s some strawberries and half a carton of milk left, probably not much else of mine.”

What is on your bedside table? “Glass of water, earbuds, phone charger, pocket knife, wallet. There’s a pistol in the drawer, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

What is in your car? “Don’t have one, but I left a spare charger in Nuka’s.”

What is in your bin? “It’s empty.”

What is in your purse or wallet? “ID. Fake ID, just in case. Cash. Debit card, credit card. Some grocery rewards card I got talked into signing up for. Oh, and a coupon for Fudge Stripes, I need to remember to get those before it expires.”

What is in your pockets? “A knife.”

What is your most treasured possession? “My most expensive sword. It’s not that expensive, I found it at a thrift store, but I fixed that baby up.”

SPIRITUALITY

Who or what is your guardian angel? “I’m not buying that I have one.”

Do you believe in the afterlife? “There’s gotta be something. There’s too many people I know that deserve to burn in Hell.”

What are your religious views? “Don’t really have any.”

What do you think heaven is? “Dunno.”

What do you think hell is? “A well deserved torture chamber.”

Are you superstitious? “Eh.”

What would you like to be reincarnated as? “Some big cat. That’d be really fucking cool. If not a lion, a tiger or a cougar or something. But not in a zoo. Hell no.”

How would you like to die? “I hope I go out in a blaze of glory.”

What is your spirit animal? “Lioness.”

What is your zodiac sign? “Leo.”

VALUES

What do you think is the worst thing that can be done to a person? “Taking everything from them.”

What is your view of ‘freedom’? “Not being forced to do anyone’s biding.”

When did you last lie? “It’s been awhile now.”

What’s your view of lying? “Don’t lie to me. Sometimes it’s gotta be done. But don’t you dare lie to me.”

When did you last make a promise? “I don’t make promises.”

Did you keep or break their last promise? “I’d probably break them. That’s why I don’t make promises.”

DAILY LIFE

What are your eating habits? “I have trouble remembering to eat, so sit’s a little sketchy, I’m working on it.”

Do you have any allergies? “Nope.”

Describe your home. “It’s not much, but it’s more than I’ve ever had.”

Are you a minimalist or a clutter hoarder? “I’m a minimalist.”

What do you do first thing on a weekday morning? “Look outside.”

What do you do on a Sunday afternoon? “Work, usually.”

What do you do on a Friday night? “Stay up too late.”

What is your soft drink of choice? “I don’t like soda.”

What is your alcoholic drink of choice? “I lack too much experience to choose.”

MISCELLANEOUS

What or who would you dress up as for Halloween? “Dressed up as a kickboxer once, I think that’s it.”

Are you comfortable with technology? “Yeah. I guess. What does that mean?”

If you could save one person, who would it be? “Nuka.”

If you could call one person for help, who would it be? “Nuka.”

What is your greatest extravagance? “Don’t have much of one.”

What is your greatest regret? “Wasting so much of my life to come out empty handed.”

What is your perception of redemption? “All I know is I’m trying.”

What would you do if you won the lottery? “Buy Nuka and I a real place instead of an apartment.”

What is your favorite fairytale? “Hansel and Gretel.”

What fairytale do you hate? “Jack and the Beanstalk. It’s fucking stupid.”

Do you believe in happy endings? “No.”

What is your idea of perfect happiness? “I don’t know if it exists.”

What would you ask a fortune teller? “Where do I end up?”

If you could travel through time, where would you go? “Back to the start. Redo it all. Right this time.”

What sport do you excel at? “Never played much sports.”

What sport do you suck at? “I don’t.”

If you could have a superpower, what would you choose? “Shapeshifting. That’d be fucking cool. Turn into a mouse, squeeze in a crack, turn into a bear and rip someone’s fucking face off if you need to.”

[fangirlyah]

✦ just an arrangement - Draco Malfoy x Reader (part 1)

summary: the return to the school year with the dark mark is hard enough, but now they must fulfill a more intimate request or they expect a happily ever after with an old death eater.

warnings: none

word count: 1,950

a/n: i’m pretty excited about this so i hope u like it. if u wanna be part of my (still non-existent) tag list for this fic, just tell me :)

a starry night full of light illuminated the sky.  very different from the humor y/n was holding. 

she saw herself in the mirror, immersed in constant pain, both physical and emotional. her arm, freshly marked by the dark lord, felt almost on fire, stitches and burns that were almost impossible to hold. thanks to her childhood surrounded by darkness due to the alliances of her families, she herself already knew how to create her own healing potions that sootheed her wounds for at least a while.  

she was only sixteen, but had a higher weight on her back than any teenager. she was not the only one, her classmate, draco malfoy, had and was suffering a life very similar to hers.  but he wasn't very good at hiding it, his thinner body and marked dark circles revealed his stress. but y/n was always a better actress, no one had ever seen the bruises on her arms, nor had she been seen decaying. on the contrary she was known for being one of the sweetest and most positive people with every hogwarts student. thing that put his hair on end, ‘how could she be so calm with everything that was going on?’ she knew a war was coming but he always saw her smiling sweetly at every person who crossed her path. how many times had he smiled that sixth year of hogwarts? maybe not one. 

but as he noticed her big white smiles, she noticed the lack of his. she knew what he was going through, his task was very complicated and terrifying, y/n had been lucky enough to be out of the instant murder of her own headmaster, but she had to be in charge of repairing the vanishing cabinet. 

they were not friends or anything close to the word, they were acquaintanced despite the number of encounters they had during the months, due to the similar connection of their parents. both only children, completely alone on their way to giving their full life to who-must-not-be-named. y/n did not want to be alone, since she was a child, she had tried to approach the blonde and become his friend, but he did not acknowledge receipt. 

"hello, draco! my house elf made pumpkin pie, would you like a piece?" a small y/n took small leaps in her freshly ironed dark blue dress.

"I'd rather die than try something of yours," an eleven-year-old draco disgustingly expressed to the girl who was just looking for his sympathy. 

a sympathy that, despite the passage of the years, she had never found. y/n had stopped trying, had stopped fraternizing with draco in the fourth year, when she had slightly begun to develop a crush on him. and she was, and is, smart enough to know that if her hormonal heart kept hearing his wretched words, she would have an almost irreparable broken heart. but it didn't work, because even though he ignored her, she couldn't get him out of her mind. and seeing him at least twice a month at her home, dressed in his pristine suit and his fine hair combed did not help. 

"y/n since when is your roasted chicken more important than good gossip?" millicent spoke with her mouth full of crushed potatoes, spitting slightly. 

"since always, millie" y/n was not at a time in her life where an adolescent gossip filled all her senses. 

"you're very boring... so, it turns out ginevra weasley is in love with potter!" 

"I'm not at all surprised, weirdos like weirdos" pansy parkinson, despite the years that elapsed, did not seem to forget her hatred of gryffindor and everything related to it, especially the golden trio and its own close ones. 

it was a Friday night and despite the icy weather and sun falling much earlier, the great hall was full of students enjoying their dinners. at the slytherin table there were most students, but there wasn't any sign of draco malfoy... but she spoke very quickly. 

"get up" a big, cold hand, adorned with silver rings and emeralds that stood out on his pale skin, grabbed y/n by the arm and pulled her with intent to lift her out of the seat. 

"sorry?" she looked up to see the blonde with a serious countenance, staring at her. 

"hey, we're talking you can't take her that way!" spoke one of her friends but it was too late, y/n was already standing on draco’s side, who kept holding her arm tightly. 

"shut your mouth, bulstrode" and with that, draco began to walk quickly without looking back, which she thanked as he would not see her in a hurry and almost stepping on her own feet. 

arriving on the seventh floor, finally, a large door suddenly appeared on a white wall, capturing the complete attention of y/n. draco did not hesitate and submerged them both inside the unknown room which turned out to be too small for its immense door. 

'the room of requirement' thought y/n immediately, but why did it appear before them? she wondered. 

it was the first time y/n and draco had crossed word for at least five months, since the first time they both attended a death eaters meeting as official members. she still remembers how her body trembled and as his did too, but the firm hand of lucius on his back almost held him in his place. she also recalls that their seats were facing each other, and that she saw him swallow heavily when, after the meeting, he saw the girl accidentally shed a salty tear. 

"may I ask you what we are doing here?" y/n’s voice sounded shy and calm despite having draco in front of her swinging from one place to the other, regardless of the small space. he did not speak and it had been more than five minutes that they were inside the room and the idea of leaving had crossed y/n’s thoughts, but she knew what he was going through, so she decided to wait. 

"you're my girlfriend now..." draco's body stood violently in front of her, leaving a reasonable distance. he didn't look her in the eye, but she knew he was serious.

"what the-... what?" 

"we have to be together, the dark lord wants it so" 

"since when?..." the confusion took over her body, even though her heart was screaming, 'your crush is telling you to be together, shut up and accept!' but it wasn't that simple. 

"in less than six months we will both be seventeen, your parents and mine were married at that age, and they were all already death eaters..."

"it's our turn" y/n thought out loud.

"we must not marry, just... be together...as a couple or we'll be paired with other death eater who's at least fifteen years older and I think we both know that's not a reasonable choice"

"I understand..." it was something they should do sooner or later, then they could split up and submit to some other arranged marriage. but at the moment they were both the best choice of the other. "let's do it" 

------------

the idea of pretending to be a couple began to really settle in y/n’s head a week of the event, when draco rested his hands on her shoulders unexpectedly on a sunday for breakfast time. she wanted to bewitch herself when she felt the butterflies she hated so much flowering. those butterflies provoked by him, which she had sworn to bury years ago and which she had clearly failed to achieve. 

her friends’ faces were transformed to the sudden change in the attitude of the prince of slytherin. they all noticed that they both slipped away from classes and most social situations over the weeks. but, they would never have assumed they were going away to be together, they were right. they used to escape because of the tasks indicated by who-must-not-be-named or because the terror and darkness had suddenly consumed them. 

then the weeks passed and their interactions increased, because they had to increase if they wanted to make it believable. 

the arrangement had begun in august and by that month, their only contact was some rubbing of hands in potions or small glances in the great hall, which however minuscule they were, they both knew that they should be noticed. 

"you're doing it wrong!-emm...I think you're putting more ingredients than the necessary, y/n" sometimes she wanted her fake boyfriend to be a better actor, his voice changes were notorious, but at least that day they were lucky to be sitting with crabbe and goyle so none of them noticed his weird voice changes, and if they did, they wouldn't have the braveness to ask. 

"I've made this potion multiple times, draco. to make it perfect a few drops of agrippa are never too much" the blonde’s ears were still surprised to hear his name, his actual name and not malfoy, come out of y/n’s mouth. despite his attitude towards her, which had not changed since the age of eleven, she continued to treat him delicately. 

"you've done this multiple times? this is the first time we are learning potions to close wounds" the last thing he wanted was to make the cute girl uncomfortable, it wouldn't show a good image for their relationship.

"I'm only curious when it comes to potions" but y/n answered with immediate discomfort, much to the chagrin of draco. 

by september, their hands were already united from class to class and their bodies were sitting together in the great hall for almost every meal, all of this causing a lot of whispers.

"your hand is sweaty" whispered draco in his ear, as they traversed long meadows to hagrid’s hut.

"sorry... is that everyone is looking at us and it's making me nervous" she wasn't used to being the center of attention, unlike him. 

"just... focus on me" draco gave a squeeze to her hand, making y/n think that, finally, the boy had given in to acting cordial in their false relationship. but his phrase wasn't over, "you must do well, I won't let you ruin this."

with that said, y/n focused her thoughts on draco. how he was holding her hand, how she had imagined this so many times and how he seemed unbothered by it. but he wasn't feeling like that.

it was only in october that they first had a meeting alone, only the two of them, with no audience present. 

y/n was on a sofa, very close to a large window pointing to the big forests surrounding hogwarts, in the common room. it was the early hours of the morning so the sun was orange painting the sky as if it were its own canvas, lighting everything around it, including y/n. her hard-covered book was on her lap and she moved it so gently that it seemed that her fingers floated. for draco's eyes it was something new. with semi-swollen eyes, a morning voice but perfectly clothed, he watched her from the other side of the place. he didn't think she was a morning person, so when he received the letter and decided to be the first to come down for breakfast as he couldn't fall asleep again, the last thing he thought was he was going to find her there. with her legs contracted towards her and her bright hair braided in a shedding way, was the first thing draco saw that morning. and for a moment, he thanked merlin for waking up so early. 

"it's time to go" was the only thing the blonde seemed to say, when he approached the couch where she was. y/n just turned around to see him. she knew exactly what he meant. 

[dwimpala-67]

As Time Goes By

Written for @spnabobingo

Square Filled: Pack Courting

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Jared/Jensen

Word Count: 5365

Warnings: Angst with a happy ending, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort.

Part 1

Part 2

The next day Jared was a nervous wreck. He had gone through everything in his wardrobe and he still couldn’t find suitable clothes to wear on his date with Jensen. His sister was watching him, amused at his antics. One moment he was speaking about how good he looks in blue jeans, and the next he was debating if blue would go with a pink button down or a cream one. If this wasn’t funny enough, he then started trying it on and suddenly realized that the black one was much better as it complemented  the shape of his ass perfectly. He put on his tight black jeans and a cream shirt. He observed himself from all angles in the mirror and then looked over at his sister, a horrified expression on his face, already worried if he’s being too forward. 

“What if he thinks I’m gonna put out on the very first date? He won’t think I’m a slut or something, would he? Does this look too tight? Should I wear my baggy jeans instead?” Jared rambled on. 

It was such an adorable sight to watch. Her brother was an absolute mess and Margaret enjoyed every second of it. She couldn’t fault her brother though, because it was  the first time that someone had asked him out. It was obvious that he was going to mess up. That was one of the reasons why she was sitting there in his room, trying to calm him down.

“Relax, big brother. You look just fine. In fact, this outfit is better than the pink and blue combination.” She made a face and Jared pouted at her.No matter how much everyone told him that pink was too girly, he loved that color on him. He rather thought it suited his tan skin better. He knew no matter how he dressed, no one would pay any attention to him. However, that didn’t stop him from dressing properly. At times, he dressed himself in pretty colors that brought out his features. He also loved to style his long chestnut-brown hair in different ways. Some days he tied it up in a bun. He did receive looks when he did that; mostly sour ones. But he didn’t care. He dressed to please himself. He had decided  that it didn’t matter if no one appreciated him, he’d appreciate himself instead. It made him feel good about himself. However, that didn’t stop his brat Alpha sister from teasing him whenever he wore pink,  or even a tank top for that matter. She always said he looked like a dork, but he rather enjoyed wearing those. 

“But pink brings out my tan,” Jared insisted.

“No, JT, trust me. You don’t want the Alpha to think you’re weird.”

“That’s the point of the date, right? Getting to know each other. If he can’t accept me wearing pink, then there’s no point in going forward at all. I won’t submit to his wishes. He has to accept me just as I am. I won’t be changing myself.” 

Margaret sighed. Her  brother could be so stubborn sometimes. “Look, there’s plenty of time to get to know each other and still be yourself. But you don’t want his  first impression of  you to be a weird one. You want to impress the Alpha, not make him run for the hills.”

God, his sister could be such a hard-ass sometimes. She was an Alpha, and could never really understand Jared’s need to please himself and to be upfront with anyone he meets. After all, she didn’t have to face rejection the way he did. “No, Marge. He asked me out so it’s obvious that he needs to impress me. I didn’t ask him out.”

“That’s not how it works, JT. An Alpha always wants the Omega to impress him, show him why he or she can be a good partner, and submit to the Alpha’s expectation. It doesn’t matter who asks whom. All it comes down to is how the Omega presents in front of Alpha.”

Jared listened to his sister, shocked. How dare she talk about him submitting to Alphas? She was speaking exactly like the asshole Alphas he’d encountered all his life who were always telling him what to do. “How dare you? You’re just like all the stereotypical Alphas. How can you talk like that? Is submission  all you Alphas care about? Does it even matter to you what the Omega feels?”

“JT, you’re crossing a line here. I’m just advising you for your own good.” Margaret spoke, a hint of edge to her voice. She was quickly losing her patience. 

“No, you can’t make me…”

“Jared, don’t argue with me. You’re wearing the cream shirt and that’s final, ”  she yelled at Jared, using her Alpha voice.  

Hearing those words, Jared frozed. He couldn’t believe how his own sister was treating him. Jared always thought that even if she was the Alpha, she’d be different with him. Because she saw how it messed him up when he suffered rejection at the hands of all the Alphas in his pack. She had seen how  hurt he had been, and she was well aware of his reasons to leave the pack and relocate to Australia. He was  distraught that his own sister didn’t understand him. His Omega hormones were already screwing with him because of his nervousness over going on the first ever date in his life, and Margaret’s  orders weren’t helping any. 

Tears pooled in his eyes as he forced himself not to cower at her command and he shouted back, “Get out. Now.”

“Shit...JT. I’m sorry, I didn’t…” Margaret already hated herself for being so harsh on her  brother. She never liked to hurt Jared, especially when he had been through so much. Although it wasn’t her intention to make him cry, he was definitely being stubborn. 

Hearing the yelling, Sylvia Padalecki rushed into Jared's room. “What’s wrong? JT, oh my God , why are you crying, honey? What happened?”

Jared didn’t answer, he just embraced his mother tightly, seeking comfort in her arms. He was terrified. Terrified that he’d lose his only chance at finding a mate. He wanted it to be perfect and Margaret’s words had touched a nerve. 

When he didn’t speak, his mother turned to her daughter, “Why is he crying, Marge?” She gently ran her hands down  his back, trying to soothe him.

“Mom, I just...he wanted to wear a pink shirt and I wanted him to wear a cream one. One thing led to another, and I pointed out how Omegas should submit to their Alphas and then I yelled at him.”

“Margaret Anne Padalecki, how could you say that to him? Who are you to impose your views on your brother, who you forget is older than you. Just because you are an Alpha doesn’t mean you are free to impose yourself on anyone. Don’t you know he’s vulnerable right now. All his life…” she couldn’t say the words out loud. It had been a very hard time for all of them, watching Jared heartbroken and sad. Now her son was crying silently on her shoulder. “After going through so much, an Alpha asks him out and this is what you do? Remind him exactly how  Alpha wolves can be such assholes? I didn't expect that from you.”

“Mom, I’m sorry but…”

“No buts. You may be an Alpha, but I’m your mother and you don’t intimidate me, young woman. Jared can wear whatever he wants. Now go, let him get ready.”

Margaret really felt sad for making Jared cry. She was just voicing her concerns. Being an Alpha, she knew what their expectations  were when it came to Omegas. She simply wanted Jared to impress his Mate. She didn’t want Jared to be rejected by his own Mate for being a weirdo. But even she had to agree that she had overreacted. His family’s support was what he needed right now. She left the room quietly, feeling ashamed of what she had just done. 

Sylvia calmed her son down and showered him with her love. Her poor child had endured so much. She could totally understand the reasons behind his outburst. Once Jared stopped crying,  she peppered him with kisses on his forehead , much to his annoyance and urged him to relax and get ready. She knew her daughter only wished the best for her brother, but yelling at him was not the correct way to make him understand. Margaret had always been a brash child. Being the youngest, and also  an Alpha, she was always pampered even by their extended family. She never had to face any problems, unlike Jared. Well, Sylvia decided she would just give her daughter a  talk later. Right now, she needed Jared to relax and get ready for Alpha Jensen. 

Jared was pacing in his room, looking at his hair every two minutes to check if it  looked  okay. 

“Relax, Son . You look smart. The Alpha won’t know what hit him,” Greg Padalecki said, trying to hide his smile while looking at his adorable son. He was so happy. His son finally was going on a date, something which he never thought would happen.

“But Dad, I…” Jared didn’t get a chance to complete his thoughts as the doorbell rang. “He’s here.” Jared breathed, rubbing his clammy hands on his jeans. He had finally chosen a pink shirt with black jeans and his hair was  combed neatly, the long reddish-brown wavy locks brushing his neck. His mother had gushed about how handsome he looked in the outfit. Even Greg had to agree it bought out Jared’s features.

 Right now all that mattered to Jared was Jensen’s approval. The words of his younger sister were still fresh in his mind. They were another reason for his nervousness.

“I’ll go. ” Margaret jumped up from behind him and rushed to the door. “Good evening, Alpha.” She deferred to Jensen’s status as Pack Alpha. Had she not been Alpha herself, she would have totally drooled over him. Jensen  was pure sex on legs. And she was Alpha enough to appreciate his beauty, despite the fact they were two Alphas who’d never have any feelings of that kind for each other. 

“Good evening. May I come in?” Jensen gave an appreciative nod at her. 

“Of course. Please.”

Jensen stepped inside and Jared's breath hitched. The scent of his mate permeated his senses and he found himself desperate to get the man’s attention. He watched as everyone in his family greeted the Alpha. The man was stunning in a blue button down and black jeans with brown boots. His hair was gelled and  spiked. He was, simply put, gorgeous. 

The moment Jensen’s eyes reached his, Jared was overcome with a feeling of want. His heart was running a mile a minute. He stared shamelessly, not even caring that he hadn’t yet greeted the Pack Alpha. Jensen, didn’t seem to mind much. He approached Jared slowly, like a predator eyeing his prey, and gave him a brilliant smile that brought out his eye crinkles.

“Hello, Jared. You look handsome ” Jensen said, handing him a bunch of blue orchids. “These are for you.”

Jared was blown away. “Thank you,” he said, furiously blushing, feeling heat pooling in his stomach as he ducked his head down and accepted the flowers. “These are beautiful . And you look amazing too, Alpha.” 

“You can call me Jensen, Jared. Between us, as True Mates, we can forgo with the Pack formalities.”

Jared smiled at the Alpha’s declaration. “Alright, Jensen.” It felt so good to say his name. It felt right. 

“Perfect. Now, would you please do me the honor of accompanying me on a date, Jared?” Jensen asked, holding out his hand, well aware that he was going above and beyond the general practices of wooing an Omega. He knew generally the Alpha would only greet the Omega and  his family, shower him  with gifts, and mate with him  right away. However, Jensen didn’t believe in that. He was raised differently. 

His father had sent Jensen to live with his maternal grandparents when he was five years old. They had taught him to be different from the general knot heads. It was at Copper Packlands that he studied Pack dynamics, and his grandparents taught him that an Omega was the most important member in pack hierarchy. It was the Omegas who carried their future generations, something which the Alphas,  for all their holier than thou attitude, weren’t capable of doing. His grandma, Lyla Cooper, had taught him to respect Omegas and treat them equally. That’s why he believed his actions were not only baffling to Jared, but to his family as well. 

“I most definitely would, Jensen.” Jared gave him a shy smile and took the offered hand. His eyes went wide when Jensen kissed the knuckles on his hand and led him out.

They drove out to a small diner called “The Shack ”. It was actually a small building  turned into a diner near the lake. It was new for Jared, which meant it must have opened up in the last six years while  he was off in  Australia. There was a small reception area where you’d ask for a table and then a waiter would accompany them up the wooden stairs, crossing a small bridge towards the sitting area. It was comfortable and classic. Jared had to give it to Alpha Jensen for choosing this place. 

Once they were seated, Jared took in the view. The ceiling was Victorian high and made of bamboo and hay. They were given a corner seat which  gave them direct access to the lake side view. There were candles and lanterns lit everywhere in the restaurant which gave the room a romantic private look. The street lights near the lake gave it a luminous glow which made Jared fall in love with the place. 

“It’s beautiful out here,” Jared spoke up first. Their table had a candle holder  decorated with pink and white roses. The napkins were a rich shade of maroon and the plates were a complimenting shade of white, adding to the ambience. 

“You like it? It was opened by my friend Mike three years ago. He was looking for a place to start up, and got this idea of giving his customers an experience of dining in a hut. An actual hut.”

That sounded a bit odd. “A hut?” Jared asked.

“Don’t ask me man, that guy has crazy ideas. So I persuaded him to instead go for a shack-like structure that would complement this view. He readily agreed. We had our architect friend Chris design it for him because, trust me, no one wants Mike to decide anything. If he had a chance he’d open an “Come Naked, Eat Naked” restaurant. Where everyone would be asked to come without clothes.”

Jared laughed. This Mike seemed to be a curious guy. 

Jensen was struck by  Jared’s beauty. He looked gorgeous with his head thrown back, laughing at Jensen’s retelling of Mike’s ideas. His Alpha puffed in pride at having made his mate laugh like that, without Hesitation. The pink shirt  brought  out his tan and he practically glowed  in the candlelight. “You should wear pink all the time. It suits you,” he softly said.

Jared stopped talking  immediately. He looked at Jensen for a minute, trying to find any hint of a mocking tone behind his words, but he was surprised to find  that the Alpha’s words were genuine. Especially if the shy look on his face  was anything to go by. “Really? 

“Yes, it looks simply perfect on you.”

“My sister thought I shouldn’t wear pink. She said  you’d find me weird and would never go out on a date with me again.” Jared spoke, eyes downcast, playing with the hem of his shirt. 

“Is that right?” Jensen asked, curious about that line of thought.

“Yes, she said  that  pink is a girly color,” Jared mumbled, afraid Jensen might just agree with his sister’s opinion . But he needed to know what the Alpha thought . “And that Omegas should only wear things that please  Alphas. That Alphas only care about the Omega’s ability to appease them.”

Jensen wanted to find every single one of the assholes who had bullied Jared. He had done his research on Jared Padalecki. He had talked to his council members and Jared’s school mates who were still living in the Pack to understand the reason behind Jared’s escape to Australia. It hurt  his heart to see how the beautiful boy sitting in front of him was emotionally scarred. He specifically wanted to deck Margaret Padalecki for telling Jared what to do. Not that he would, she was an Alpha too, and a female at that. But he had the strongest urge to lecture her about manners.   It was obvious that the boy had taken those words to his heart. 

Jensen reached out and held Jared’s other hand which was playing with the napkin and he spoke softly, “Jared, that's a bunch of bullshit. I was raised differently. Trust me when I say I’m not like any Alpha that you must have encountered, growing up in our pack. My father sent me to stay with my maternal grandparents so that I could  be raised in an environment free of any prejudices due to  being heir to Ackles Pack. And my grandma taught me all the things that have shaped my ideology, not only as an Alpha but as Pack Alpha too. I guess you were already gone when I took over?”

A mere nod prompted Jensen to speak further. “I’ve brought about a series of changes to the Pack so far and I’m planning on reforming this Pack inside out. I know my father is a traditionalist, but I’m not. I believe that an Alpha should always put the wishes of his Omega above all others. As an Alpha’s mate, his Omega is the most important person in his life. Without his mate, an Alpha can never attain  his full potential. You’re my equal Jared. You’re the one wolf who has the ability to control me. I’m at your mercy Jared, and not the other way around. Your wish is my command. I would be the happiest wolf ever if you’d allow me to love you, cherish you, and make you happy. So, Jared, would you give me a chance to 

 win  your heart?”

Jared was floored. His conception of being with an Alpha had been shaped  because of his past. To see that his man was so different than what he had encountered so far made him believe that this was the wolf who’d maybe give Jared a chance at finding his happily ever after. “You’re different, aren’t you?” Jared asked him, staring back at the intense green gaze that peered through to his soul. 

“It’s the first of many instances to come. And by the way, your sister’s a fool if she thinks pink is a girly color. It perfectly suits you, and I’m jealous that people other than me can look at you wearing pink. You look handsome, Jared.”

All Jared was able to do was blush at those words. Really, what more could he say? Jensen’s words washed over his conscience, soothing the turmoil within him. If this wolf was his mate, he was happy that he’d found him even if it had taken  so long .

“So, what were you doing at my home last night?”

Jared felt a rush of guilt at hearing that question. He had meant to go and talk to Jensen about his brother and his best friend. Instead, he had stumbled into his True Mate and forgotten everything else! “I..umm..I wanted to talk to the Pack Alpha about my brother and his mate.”

“Your brother, huh? Joseph Padalecki, I assume?”

“Yes. I ….I hadn’t been living in the Pack for the past five years, and unfortunately my family didn’t tell me anything that went on with my brother during that time. Apparently he was in love with Chad the whole time. I just didn’t know about it.”

“And when the incident happened with the rogue human,  the Murrays disowned their own son.”

“Yes, I am surprised...I mean, I know they always despised Chad for being a male Beta. He’s the first male Beta born in their family in  twenty years. And his father is kind of an…”

“An asshole. Yeah I know. I know that very well.” 

Jensen had that tone to his voice which meant he’d had an experience with them, piquing Jared’s curiosity, “Why ? Did you run into trouble with them?”

“Oh yeah,” Jensen replied, sipping his wine slowly. “Jay, you have to understand that within the last two years I’ve been trying to change the Pack law and the ways the Pack perceives fertile Betas and Omegas. I banned the public mating ceremony. I mean, most of the Packs have started letting go of the archaic traditions, but here quite a few tried to create trouble when I proposed to ban the public claiming. Murrays created  quite a stir, but they didn’t know what they were up against.” Jensen’s eyes turned a golden green, just a flash of the Alpha’s rage. 

“Oh My God!  What did you do then?”

“Let’s just say that Peter Murray never dared to cross me after that.”

“I see.”

“So, your brother mated Chad Murray. They wanted to have a little distance from the Pack but still remain on Pack grounds, stay members of the Pack. Unfortunately, my father wouldn’t allow that. He demanded they stay right where they were. So finally Joseph and Chad felt like they had no other alternative than to give up their standing in the Pack and move away,” Jensen continued, trying to gauge Jared’s mood.

“Yeah. But  Chad lost the ability to conceive! He was a fertile male Beta without the ability to get pregnant! Everyone picked on him and he was vilified by the Murrays and their supporters. So you see Chad needed to get away from the Pack and he had a right to do that because he had to heal. Had he stayed in this Pack he would have lost his sanity!”

Jensen heard the concern and worry in Jared’s voice and saw just how distressed the situation made his mate. “Wow, I didn’t know that happened. I mean I knew Chad was attacked, but I wasn’t aware that he can't conceive anymore. Jay, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry my father forced them to leave instead of understanding the situation. I heard your family was quite supportive of Chad after the incident. And my stubborn father took away the only connection your brother and mate had to this Pack.”

“It’s not your  fault.  But I wanted to talk to Alpha Anton and ask him how he could do this to them. All his life, my brother protected me against all the bullies and when he and his mate needed Alpha Anton’s protection, no one paid attention to him. He was forced to leave this Pack, Jensen!”

“I’m so sorry Jay, I can’t even begin to realize just how devastating it must have been for you.”

“Can you ...can you do something?”

“Jared, I won’t deny that what my father did was wrong, but it’s been a long time and I don’t think your brother, or even Chad for that matter would even consider coming back to this Pack. Too much bitterness must have settled in by now. But if it means so much to you, I promise I’ll reach out to him to see what he thinks. Maybe we can reinstate their Pack status and let them live wherever they are living at the moment. I just hope they  haven’t yet accepted protection from another Pack.”

That thought had never crossed Jared’s mind, and he hoped that his brother hadn’t done that. “I just wanna meet with them, Jensen. I never had a chance to console them.”

“I understand, Sweetheart . I’ll see what I can do. Now can you smile for me? That dimpled one?” Jensen smirked as he watched Jared give him a brilliant smile that outshone the sun. 

The rest of the night went smoothly. Jared had  relaxed as the night progressed. They had a lot to talk about as they shared almost all the same interests.  The wine Jensen ordered had been exquisite and the steak was to die for. The entire meal  was delicious. Especially the dessert. The chocolate soufflé  was the best, and immediately became Jared’s new favorite. They had left the shack, holding hands,  satisfied, with  a feeling of togetherness blooming between them.

“I had a great time tonight,” Jared said as they parked in front of his house. 

“Me too,” Jensen said, and brushed his knuckles against Jared’s cheek, already loving the shy smile. 

“So…”

“So, we should do this again,” Jensen suggested, a hopeful look on his face. 

“Definitely we should. Rather we must.” Jared insisted, smiling wide as his dimples showed up. He laughed as Jensen poked one of them. He didn’t want to  let go of Jensen just yet. 

“Would you call me territorial if I walked  you  to  your  door?” It was as if Jensen could read his mind.

“Not at all.”

They got out of the car and slowly made their way to the Padalecki residence, walking closely, hands brushing slightly and goofy smiles on their faces. Once they were at the door, Jensen once again rang the bell. “Jensen, I have the key.”

Jensen just winked at him, leaving Jared confused as to what the Alpha had planned on doing.  

Jared was wondering what Jensen was planning  when the door opened and Sylvia  Padalecki greeted them. “Oh, Jared you're back. And Alpha, please come in.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Padalecki. If you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to you and Greg.”

That made Jared’s eyebrow go up. His mother looked at him, questioning,  but he merely shrugged. They both headed towards the living room and sat down on the couch. That’s when his mind started spinning. Jensen never mentioned talking to his parents. Insecurity set in and his mind went through all the possible scenarios. Was Jensen leaving him? Was he planning on telling his parents just how stupid he was? After all, he had no idea how to behave on a date, and had he done something stupid to upset Jensen? Jensen didn’t seem upset though. But why didn’t Jensen say something to him? 

Jensen put his hand on the small of his back and tugged him closer. “Relax Jared. I can hear those wheels churning in your head. It’s nothing bad, promise.”

Jared sighed and leaned into Jensen. “I know. Years of rejection and bullying have left a pile of insecurities behind. It’ll take some time to put them behind me.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Jensen assured him. “There they are.”

They stood up as Jared’s parents, along with his sister entered the room.

“Welcome Alpha. Please take a seat. How may I help you?” Greg Padalecki spoke, a little apprehensive about this meeting. 

“Alpha Greg, I would like your blessing and permission to publicly court your son and declare him my Intended Mate.” It was a tradition that when an Alpha found his true mate, he had to declare them as their intended and court them publicly. Once the pair was comfortable with each other, the claiming ceremony would take place. 

Everyone was shocked and that included Jared. His mouth fell open and his parents were looking at Jensen, wide eyes shining with tears. 

“Of course, Alpha. You have our blessings.” Sylvia spoke, wiping away the tears that spilled down her cheeks. “Oh Alpha, you don’t know how much that means to us.”

“Alpha, for so long we thought our boy would never find a mate and never settle down. But you are like a breath of fresh air in his life. So, of course as long as Jared is okay with it, you have our blessings.”

Jensen smiled at them, “Thank you. I promise you, with me Jared will always be cherished and safe. I’ll do everything in my power to keep him happy. As my mate, he’s the most important person in my life.” He turned towards Jared then, smiling at the red and tearful face, “Jared, Sweetheart, please don’t cry.” 

Jared hiccupped. He didn't know when he started crying but he’s pretty sure it was during his father’s speech. He had accepted the loneliness that had filled his life. He had resigned himself to never finding a mate. And within two days not only did he have a True Mate, but his mate wanted him just as much. “Happy tears,” he said, giving out a choked laugh. 

Jensen shook  his  head a little and cupped Jared’s face, wiping away the tears with his thumb. “I do need your permission too, you know.”

Jared gave out a wet laugh, somewhere between a sob and a chuckle. “Yes, yes, damn it.”

His happiness knew no bounds as Jensen sealed the deal by pressing his full lips against Jared's. It was a very soft kiss just brushing their lips together really. But it meant the world to Jared. “Thank you, Jay.'' Jared threw himself in Jensen’s arms as he hugged the man to his chest and sobbed with relief and happiness, letting loose years of pent-up emotions.

Once Jared calmed down, Jensen spoke again, “You okay?”

“More than.”

“Alright. Before I go, “ Jensen said as he turned towards Jared’s family, “ I’d like to talk to Margaret.” He saw when she tensed up immediately and his wolf chuckled internally. Good, that’s exactly how she should feel for saying those words to Jared. “I’d appreciate it if you'd stop imposing your ideas on him. If he wants to wear pink, let the damn man wear pink. Look at him, he looks hot.” 

Jensen enjoyed both the horrified and shameful look on Margaret and the blushing red shade on Jared. 

“Sorry, Alpha, I was just trying to...I know what Alphas’ want from their mate and I just…”

“Well, next time I’d like it if you kept your opinions to yourself and not assume what you ‘think’ Alphas want from their mates. I was raised differently, and I'm perfectly okay with him wearing anything he wants. If I don’t have any problem with it, then neither should you,” Jensen said in a no-nonsense tone. He understood that she was just looking out for her brother, but the fact that she’d hurt Jared had been enough for him to leap to his mate’s defense. 

Margaret was flustered. “Yes, Alpha. I’m sorry. I’m sorry JT, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“It’s  alright, Marge. I should probably be used to your brattiness.” Jared joked, trying to tone down the tension in the room. It seemed to work as everyone smiled.

“Alright, tomorrow I’ll call the town hall meeting and inform the Pack about us. Until then, Jay, you have my number. If you need anything, just call me or even leave a text. I’ll be right here.” Jensen said, grabbing Jared in a bear hug. “I don’t want to go, but I have to leave. See you tomorrow, Jared.”

Jared followed his Intended out and bid Jensen goodbye before he drove out in his car towards Ackles Mansion. He closed the door behind him and the moment he entered the living room, he was engulfed in a group hug by his family. They were crying and laughing and speaking all at once, congratulating him on finding his mate. Jared accepted their well wishes and Margaret’s apology. Once they left him alone, his sister giggled.

“What?”

“JT, your mate is so damn hot. You’re one lucky wolf.”

His parents agreed and the three of them started chatting about the two handsome men mating together and how it was unfair to all the females. Jared just rolled his eyes at his crazy family. 

But he couldn’t fault them. He was truly happy for the first time in his life. 

to be continued

[secret-engima]

So in your Naruto FF cover where Noct/Yoru is believed to be a god, what are the reactions of the families of the Chocobros? Cause their Clan member just got poached but they've also been really strange ever since their near death experience that woke up their memories (or did they always remember)? Especially the Hyuuga because they basically had Hikaru/Ignis enslaved and branded. Or even some povs from the Chocobros. (Poor Prompto, being an Aburame lol)

Ooooo tricky. Kinda depends on the family?

Lemme see- Ignis’s family are Most Displeased. They are super possessive of their eyeballs and treat their branch members as slaves anyway so they see it more like theft than a powerful man claiming a friend. Of course, there’s not much they can DO about it considering it’s Yoru and he burns Ignis’s seal off in .05 seconds and also threatens to burn the rest of the main branch to the ground if they touch Ignis again (not in so many words, but his magic does flatten a few of the members with its intensity when they got too close to Ignis.

Tbh that’s probably a blood grudge the Hyuga hold until Naruto’s time even though they stay in Konoha and Ignis is known among the hyuga not only as the blind member but the Stolen Hyuga. A warning to all hyuga of what will happen if they are not careful with their eyes and other such nonsense that only works because younger Hyuga don’t interact with Yoru enough to know that he’s a really chill dude and Ignis is happy where he is.

The Inuzuka are not too thrilled at first, but more laidback about it? Gladio still visits and they can tell that he’s Super Happy about being reunited with Yoru, and Yoru is polite and respectful to them and their dogs like him and you can never go wrong with the opinion of dogs in an Inuzuka’s eyes.

The Aburame ... are honestly the most chill about this? They aren’t too thrilled at first, but Yoru already has a Hyuga and an Inuzuka by then, so there is a precedent, and after a bit of watching it’s clear that these four are basically a Hive unto themselves and Prompto is happy to be there, is healthy and well cared for so they just kinda- shrug and move on. Maybe use the fact that one of their own is “Favored by Yoru” to their advantage during tricky Council meetings generations later.

The oddness and memories thing were long commented on, but ... mostly unnoticed in Hikaru’s case? Among the Branch Clan it was noted, but no one said anything or really thought about it because honestly I doubt the Hyuga have never had an Incident where Branch Members get a bit ... weird post Sealing and post a traumatic experience. That’s a chakra doohickey tattooed to your SKULL, side-effects are not impossible. The Inuzuka noticed it too, but Gladio was still ... himself, just a big more jaded and mature so they let it slide.

The Aburame maybe spent a good few years trying to figure out what the freak happened with Prompto though. Because they’ve never had a bug-a-phobic member before and it’s weird. They love him tho. He’s their disaster child.

Tbh in the Warring States Era nobody was really focused on mental health. If you were loyal to the Clan and could fight that was all that really mattered, weirdo personality changes aside.

Uhhh POVs but only short snips, and pls forgive any inconsistencies with previously establish AU lore my brain is tired and I may not keep all the details 100% straight. Just roll with it.:

Ignis:

After a lifetime of being blind, being able to SEE everything, all around, at any given time is unnerving. This entire era is unnerving and Hikaru has bitten his tongue more than once to keep from railing against it. Against sending CHILDREN, some not much older than toddlers out into the field, against the brand on his head and the heads of so many others that burns on the whim of a Main Branch member.

He keeps his head down, but inside ... he hates. More than a little bit. He is a fractured piece of glass and he knows too much pressure with make him snap, so he does his utmost to avoid those situations (because if he snaps children will get hurt even more than now and nothing will change in the Clan).

Then one day they go to meet Hashirama and Madara, to speak of peace, and of course Hikaru has heard of Yoru, the mysterious forest spirit that supposedly watches over the new village and ensures no fighting happens, but he does not actually think this Yoru will be all that impressive.

He never expects it to be NOCTIS. Noctis, who looks at him with hope and wonder in his eyes, who looks so very unchanged despite lifetimes, who rises and calls him brother and Ignis and friend and CLAIMS him in a way the Clan Head cannot dispute. No one can dispute against Noctis, because he is still a Lucis Caelum and a king and to him, their chakra is pebbles in an ocean.

And for the first time in a long time, Ignis is happy. Ignis has hope.

...

Gladio

Gladiolus loves his new family, and he knows they love him back. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss his old life like a wound in his side. Iris’s presence makes it a bit better but also not, because war is cruel and no one cares that she is still so young (older than the other Clans children sent to the field, because Inuzuka treasure their puppies, but still far too YOUNG to the mind of a Shield and Crownsguard). He loves his canine partner and the Pack, he loves that they don’t really question his memories, how his personality has matured and changed since the incident that woke him up.

Even so...

Even so, the absence of his brothers is a bleeding wound in his heart, and when the Clan Head looks at him, Gladio knows the man can see that in his heart of hearts, Gladio is not part of their Pack. He is family, but he has another Pack, another Alpha he swore to a lifetime ago, and that loyalty still howls in his soul far stronger than even the ties of blood and Pack and love that binds him to the Inuzuka.

So perhaps that is why the Clan Head does not look as outraged or surprised as he could have been when Yoru finds him, when NOCTIS looks back at Gladio from an eerily familiar yet not face. That is why, while the Hyuga sputter in shock when Gladio hugs Ignis tight and spins him in a circle for joy, the Inuzuka just watch with comprehension dawning in their eyes. Gladio looks to his Clan Head and says he’s going with Yoru and there is not request for permission. Just a courtesy of announcement. Because THIS- this is his Pack, his Alpha, his Beta, his brothers and littermates. He will follow them above all.

And the Clan Head lets him go.

...

Prompto:

Prompto wants to know who he ticked off in his past life that had a say in the next, because he HAD to have ticked off someone. Why else would he have been reborn into a clan of LIVING HIVE PEOPLE???????

He thinks he distresses them- no, he knows he does, when he flinches from the clan techniques and hives, from the little insects and their pheromones that the Clan uses as essentially an insectoid, chakra-based texting system amongst themselves. He knows he stresses out his hive for a long time, flinching from the feel of them inside him, from the skitter of their legs and wings and the whisper of their tiny, simple little thoughts in his own when they talk to him.

It .... it’s bad for a while. A WHILE. Bad enough the Clan won’t let him fight (which is fine with him) but also bad enough he loses weight and can’t sleep from the hive buzzing buzzing buzzing under his skin from his distress toward them.

It’s his great great grandma that saves him, quite literally, because an Aburame that rejects the hive is an Aburame who dies, not by any malicious intent on the Clans’ part but just- biologically. Just like starving to death will kill him, rejecting his Hive will kill him too and he KNOWS that but he can’t just- turn off his fear.

Then one day Elder Maya, the oldest living Aburame, sends for him. He comes to her private house with shivering skin and jumping senses and the hyper-awareness of the things inside him buzzing buzzing buzzing trying to remove the source of his distress and making it worse because they WERE his distress-.

Elder Maya takes his shaking hands and leads him to her garden.

It’s- it’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful he could cry for his long lost camera of another life. There are colors everywhere, blues and greens, reds, pinks, whites, and mixed splashes of yellow and purple- flowers that stand tall, flowers that droop, flowers dangling from the vines growing up tree trunks.

And everywhere there were flowers, there were butterflies. Butterflies and ladybugs, the two insects he wasn’t completely creeped out by because they were so pretty and photogenic, and for a moment Prompto is so awed his shaking stops, the Hive inside him goes quiet. A butterfly flaps lazily over to him, a glorious thing with vivid blue wings the color of magic and black dots and swirls that remind him of fire. It settles on his hand and he doesn’t flinch from it like he does the kikachu of the clan, just stays quiet and watches it with a bit of awe.

“You are not scared of these ones,” Elder Maya hums.

“U-um ... no,” he whispers as he watches it, “they’re ... pretty. Cute. They don’t ... they don’t look like they’ll hurt me.” And that’s not really his issue with the Kikaichu, but he can’t explain a phobia to ninja, not well anyway.

“Good,” says his great great grandmother, but not with her lips, with the soft splash of impression-scent-sensation from the butterfly on his hand and he gapes as he realizes THIS is her hive. These ladybugs and butterflies are Elder Maya’s hive. He stares at her and she adjusts the dark glasses she wears, “I will give you some of mine. Why? So you can cultivate a new Hive that you will not be afraid of.”

And she does. And it’s CREEPY, but also ... kinda not? It’s ... it still freaks him out to have bugs under his skin, but these ones ... he knows these ones. He chose them, he hatched them, he raised them. They are beautiful and deadly and soft looking and can strip flesh from a target in seconds and he wishes he had a camera because it would be so cool to have butterflies that can pose on command.

It’s a rocky road, but his shaking stops, and his weight goes back to normal, and his sleep schedule returns, and all the Clan breathes a sigh of relief when they see Prompto ambling around, not flinching from the glittery blue butterflies flitting on his shoulders.

And it’s not like his old life, his brothers he misses so badly, but its kinda nice to never be alone. Wherever he goes, his Hive goes, and his new Queens are kinda ... bossy almost and its endearing in a creepy kinda way. The only thing that would make life better, make it perfect (other than to not need a Hive in the first place) would be to have his brothers again.

And then they go to the new village of Konoha, and he meets the famed and terrifying Yoru, who isn’t terrifying at all, but is instead old and tired and blue eyed, and a fish lover and when he smiles, crooked and shy at Prompto all his Hive SINGS under his skin because he KNOWS.

And suddenly the world is perfect again.

[blake-belladonna-defence-force]

Dear Little Me...

Recently, I’ve been struggling. Struggling with the fact that, looking back on my childhood, I was left with more scars than I thought. That it had far more impact on me and who I am today.

I spent a good portion of the other day traversing through my memories and coming to terms with the fact that I was hurting as a child.

Today... I came across this and decided to give it a go. As a way to let go of the past hurt. To validate myself. And maybe even as a reminder, not just to myself but to anyone that might need to remember that we are worthy of love and kindness and gentleness.

So... here it is. A letter to little me... and maybe, some of you can take a message away from it too.

Hey, Kiddo.

So this is me talking. Um… to start off… I’m nonbinary. No wonder we despised the clothes mum got for us, eh?

So… most people call me Defence these days… and yes, by that, I do mean my friends. And before you ask, yes, you find yourself friends one day. Friends that remind you that they care about you. Friends who never make you question whether or not you matter. Friends who see your flaws and your quirks, who see how different you are and still love you.

Do you know why?

Because you deserve it. Just as much as anyone else.

You do, I promise you that you do, hun. I know that you think you don’t. I know you think that the way your peers treat you is normal. I know that you think that the way your so-called “friends” treat you is normal but believe me… it isn’t.

It is not okay for them to question how devoted you are to the group just because you’d rather sit and listen because you just like listening to them talk.

It is not okay for them to make plans in front of you every single day but never invite you, excluding you from things that you so desperately want to be a part of but are too scared to ask for.

It is not okay for them to dangle their friendship in front of you but only let you get so clos, snatching it away when you behave in a way that they don’t like.

No, they’re not obligated to love you. No, they’re not obligated to spend time with you. They don’t have to invite you anywhere. They don’t owe you shit, to be quite frank.

But to make plans in front of you, to ignore you, to shower each other with affection while you’re forced to watch isn’t okay. To make you question why you’re not good enough for them isn’t okay. To slowly isolate you from them instead of being honest with you isn’t okay. To make their friendship, their love, conditional isn’t okay.

And the thing that hurts me now, kiddo, is I know how much that killed you. I know how much it chipped away at your soul and heart every goddamn day. I know how much you wanted to be a part of that. I know that you loved your friends fiercely. And I know that when you finally left the group… you may as well have not even existed. You discovered the truth that day, little one. You discovered that you didn’t matter. That you were nothing to them.

And it happened time and time again. Because you were different. Because you weren’t normal. Because you didn’t match up with what they wanted from you. Because you were a weirdo that spent more time with her nose buried in a book, content to listen to her friends because their happiness made her happy. Because you just didn’t understand social connections like they did. Because it was harder for you to connect to people your age.

And the worst part is… I know what you’re thinking right now. You think that this is okay. You think that this is normal. You think that love and friendship and affection is unobtainable to you. That you’re not allowed to have it. That you don’t deserve it. That you’re not worthy of it.

And it kills me that you’re going to feel this way for 23 years. It hurts knowing that you’re going to get your heart broken over and over and over again.

It hurts knowing that you question why anyone would be friends with you. Why anyone would love you. Why would they even tolerate you.

It hurts knowing that one day… hearing a friend say “I love you” is going to overwhelm you and leave you wondering “why?”

It hurts knowing that you think that you’re better off alone. That you’re meant to be alone.

And dear fucking Christ above, kid. It breaks my heart knowing that you can’t even look at any reflective surface because you can’t stand to look at the girl nobody wants to be friends with. That you hate yourself. That you wonder every single day what you’d done wrong.

It hurts knowing that you believe people when they say that you don’t care enough. That you’re heartless.

But let me tell you this… you didn’t do anything wrong, my love. You might not always know how to show it or maybe the way you show is just different or maybe you’re just not good at emoting… but you have a heart. You do care. You care so much and have so much affection for your friends that it bubbles up inside your chest and you feel like you’re going to explode because there’s just so much. It overwhelms you… but it’s only a bad feeling when you know they don’t even like you. When you know that they care right back? It’s very comforting.

And that love that you think you’re not worthy of? That friendship that you think you don’t deserve? I need you to know that you do. You are so, so worthy of it all. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. You’re just different and that’s okay.

And here’s a little secret… one day… you’re going to get a haircut. You’re going to change your hair colour. You’re going to dress how you want to dress… and when you do? You are going to have the biggest, dopiest grin on your face when you look in a mirror and for the first time in your life you’ll like what you see and you’ll say “I feel handsome. I like me. This is good.” And it will be. Because you’ll finally be looking at you, not the person everyone wants you to be.

You’ll make friends who care about you. Friends who you care about you so much. Friends who make you feel wanted and loved. Friends that slowly help you unlearn all of the horrible lessons that your school years taught you. And you’ll help them in return. You’ll support each other. Tease each other. Annoy the utter shit out of each other. Be utter gremlins to each other. Scream at each other when you’re not taking care of yourselves. And it comes from a place of mutual fondness, which is very nice.

I know you don’t believe me. You still think that you don’t deserve it. That you’re too broken to have it. That you’re not allowed to have it. That’s okay. You take your time. Hell, I’m still learning to accept it myself! But there’s something else I want to tell you before I go. Something that has been a long time coming.

Are you ready?

I love you, little me. I do. I love you for your quiet nature. I love you when you get loud and excited and don’t know how to wait your turn to speak because of this really cool thing you learned! I love you when you’re shy. I love you when you just want to sit in your room and read. I love you when you think that no one else does. I love all of your quirks and I love you through your flaws. I love you when you’re being a little shit. I still love you when you fuck up and make mistakes, even when those mistakes hurt people. I love how you learn from them. I love how sensitive you are in a world that demands you to be cold and uncaring and harsh. I love your creativity and how you make dumb jokes just to make other people smile and laugh. I love that you’re clumsy because it’s a part of who you are. I love that you love so fiercely, even though it fucking terrifies you because you know it’s just going wind up with another broken heart. I love your strength that you think you don’t have. I love the bravery that you think you lack.

I love you, kid. I’m just sorry that it took me nearly 24 years to say it to you.

I won’t lie. We’re still hurting. Still healing. We have a lot of bad days. But the good days more than make up for them. I don’t always love myself and sometimes, often, I’m not very nice when I speak to myself. But this is me reaching out to you. This is me taking a step forward. This is me looking back at the hurt and scared little girl I used to be and smiling reassuringly.

Because believe you me, kiddo… we’re going to be okay.

That’s a promise that I intend on keeping.

You’re going to hurt. You’re going to lose people. You’re going to watch somebody very important to you fade away to illness and you’re going to grieve for them. You are going to be so strong and so brave for that, no matter what you think. It’s not easy, this road that we walk. But it’s ours and we’re not entirely alone. We have our family and one day, we’ll have our friends.

Chin up, baby girl. Keep those eyes open. Keep breathing and taking it one step at a time. Take as many breaks as you need to. Because one day… you’re going to make it to my point in the road and you’re going to look back and say “Holy shit. I did it!”

We’re not always kind to ourselves… but I am proud of you. I love you. And I promise that I won’t give up on you.

Promise that you won’t give up on me?

And I know it’s your birthday this month. I know you don’t like your birthday, even less after what happened with mum. But it’s okay to let go. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to laugh and smile and giggle as the people in your life celebrate you.

You deserve it. Because without you, I wouldn’t be in the amazing place I am now.

So… Happy Birthday, little me. You’re more loved than you think you deserve and I can���t wait until you see what’s in store for you.

Spoiler alert; you’re happy. Still sad, still have bad days, still spiral. But you’re happier than you have been for many years. That’s something to look forward to, my dear.

I’ll leave you here… but just know that the future is brighter than you think.

Lots of love,

Older you.

P.s… try shopping in the men’s section. Our non-binary ass will appreciate it 😉

[sharkbaitsekki]

Zakkura at the Golden Saucer. Fluffy but funny! Though, honestly, I'll be happy with anything. Thank you!!

The pressure was on Cloud now, and it was nearly palpable in the air around him. All of his muscles were tense as he waited, slowing his breathing and trying to focus. His grip around the leather tightened. His eyes darted around to collect all the information he could later use to his advantage. His entire body was taut like a bow, aimed and ready to find its target true. Cloud only had one mission to fulfill here tonight, and failure was absolutely not an option. Too much hung in the balance of his success. 

“Let’s do this fair and square,” his opponent smirked, and Cloud glared at him in return. 

“Bring it,” he taunted, and took one last deep breath as the announcer chimed in. 

“And... begin!”

The bang of the starter gun was deafening, but not as deafening as Zack’s whooping as he kicked his chocobo into a well-timed starting sprint. 

“Seeya later, Cloudy!” Zack taunted, sticking his tongue out at the blonde who frowned at his own missed start and kicked his canary yellow chocobo into a gallop. 

“It’s okay,” he reassured his mount (and himself). “This is the long track. Zack stands no chance if he doesn’t remember that.”

His chocobo crowed in acknowledgement, and settled into its rapid pace. Cloud kept his eyes peeled for obstacles, leading the animal over the initially simple bumps and turns in the race track. He didn’t mean to brag, but he was actually quite talented at chocobo riding. 

It just so happened that Zack “Golden Child” Fair was also good at it. Unfairly so. Cloud just wanted to knock him down a peg, finally have something to tease Zack about, for all the teasing the latter did for him. 

Speaking of the man, Cloud huffed self-satisfactorily as he saw him turn the next sharp bend. As expected, his charcoal grey chocobo had slowed down after its initial burst of energy, allowing Cloud to catch up with his steady pace. 

“How’s that overconfidence treating you?” he taunted as he came up behind Zack, enjoying the brief flash of panic in the older boy’s eyes. 

“Rather well, thanks for asking!” Zack grinned, not seeming too worried. “Don’t worry Cloudy! I’m sure you’ll look ravishing in that dress!”

“Like I’d actually let you force me into another one of those things.” Having brief flashbacks to Don Corneo’s mansion, Cloud could only shudder. 

He focused on avoiding the more treacherous mountain terrain for a bit, distancing himself from Zack to take it easier and steer his chocobo away from the pitfalls and rocks, smug when he noticed Zack’s chocobo trip and stumble in the distance with a loud crow and an accompanying cry of surprise. That was Cloud’s opportunity to catch up again, this time side-by-side with Zack. 

“Don’t get your feathers too ruffled when I win,” he scoffed, lowering his body to ease his chocobo into a sprint. The wind whipped past him, whistling in his ear, but it wasn’t loud enough to cover up the sound of Zack’s loud, unrestrained laughter. 

“Was that a pun?” he laughed, also lowering his weight to keep up with Cloud in his sprint. “I can’t believe it. A pun! From Mr. Sunshine himself!” 

“Stop talking,” Cloud gruffly said, feeling his cheeks heat up despite the cold wind on his face. “I’ll push you off your mount.”

“I’d like to see you try.” Zack’s voice suddenly dropped and oh, there was the competitive streak that had started this ordeal in the first place. A shiver ran across Cloud’s body, heating him up at the sound of that tone. 

“Don’t test me,” he threatened, bringing his chocobo closer until he was within reach of Zack and shoving his shoulder roughly. At least Zack hadn’t seemed to expect it of him, his chocobo veering off course slightly and narrowly avoiding a protruding tree root in consequence. 

If Cloud wore a smug smirk on his face as he took the lead, nobody saw. 

“Hey, I’m coming for ya!” Never the quitting type, Zack quickly caught back up to him, this time taking the lead on the assault by trying to bump Cloud’s chocobo off the path. Cloud pulled on the reigns tightly to keep his mount on the right track, and while he was focused, Zack leaned over and grabbed his arm. “Two can play at that game!”

“Let go!” Cloud grunted, trying to shake the annoyance off, tightening his legs around his mount to use both of his hands to pry Zack off. The latter only seemed to be having the time of his life like this, also letting go of the reigns in order to wrestle Cloud in what was likely a violation of at least four rules on the racetrack. 

“Come on, Cloudy, you can do better!”

“You’re so annoying... Get off!”

“Can’t make me! I’ll do what I have to to win!”

“In your dreams, weirdo.”

Zack laughed at that, genuinely amused, and perhaps it was the radiant grin on his face that suddenly took Cloud’s breath away. His heart skipped a beat as if free-falling when he looked at the sheer happiness on his partner’s expression. 

Less than a year ago, golden days like these seemed unattainable for both of them, each one stuck in a nightmare of their own. How far they’d come, Cloud realized, simply by never giving up on one another. 

Instead of having his eyes on Zack’s blinding euphoria, however, he should have paid attention to the racetrack. It was the panicked cawing of his chocobo that drew him out of his contemplation, and he turned to the front urgently. 

Too little too late, Cloud noted the boulder in their path at the same time as Zack did. Just when Cloud felt the grip on his arm begin to loosen, their chocobos let out twin cries of panic and each split into a different direction to avoid the boulder. 

“Whoa!” Before they knew it, they were both free-falling off their mounts, hanging on tightly to one another in the absence of all else, the gesture nearly ingrained into them after so long of it having kept them alive. It wasn’t too tall of a drop, but when they landed awkwardly in a tangle of limbs, it was undeniably painful. 

“Oww....” Zack groaned, finally letting go once they were on solid ground, sitting up to rub his head where he’d cracked it against the ground. 

“This is why you should’ve been more careful,” Cloud complained, mimicking the action and cradling his elbow where it had impacted the ground painfully, lightning bolts shooting all the way into his shoulder. At the sight of him, Zack’s face only split into a grin again, despite the spot of blood welling up on his forehead. “Hey, be serious for a second!”

“No way,” Zack chuckled. “That was fun. Sucks we didn’t finish the race though.”

“Zack!”

“Is your arm okay?” 

“Yes, it’s...” Cloud groaned, realizing he wouldn’t be winning this. “It’s fine. Zack, that was dangerous.”

“There are worse dangers in life,” Zack casually said, and meant it. Shrugging, he put his hand out to inspect Cloud’s arm, making sure it wasn’t broken. “So wait... if neither of us won, then who’s going to wear the dress!?”

“Nobody’s wearing dresses!” the blonde grumbled, jumping when Zack touched a sensitive part of his arm. 

“But you’d be so pretty...”

“I will end you.”

Zack laughed at that, letting Cloud’s arm go to instead cradle his jaw in his hands. They were dusty from the fall but warm, and Cloud immediately felt his heart skip a beat. Almost on instinct, his eyes darted down to his lips, feeling light at the sight of the beautiful, simple smile etched on them. 

“Alright, it’s a tie, then,” Zack conceded in a softer voice, caressing Cloud’s cheek. “Consolation prize?”

“You’re such a baby.” He said that, but Cloud did lean in to kiss him, soft and brief, enjoying every moment of it. It was at times like these that he realized how close he’d come to losing Zack forever, and he hated the feeling of anxiety that came with all of their moments together. 

“Mhm,” Zack hummed, drawing back and then back in for another kiss, slightly longer this time. “Sorry for pushing you off. Didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“It’s fine.” Cloud didn’t dare open his eyes just yet, just in case this was just another mako dream. “Glad you’re well enough to keep making fun of me.”

“I’ll make fun of you even on my deathbed,” Zack promised lightly, although there was something bitter to it that prompted Cloud to lean in and hold on tight to him. 

The two of them stayed there for a minute, tangled in one another and breathing softly in tandem, letting the joy of their peaceful moment together wash away all the doubts that always sat at the back of their minds. The “what if”s and “could’ve been”s faded from attention, replaced instead by the acute awareness of how warm, solid, and alive they were under one another’s hands. 

Cloud couldn’t imagine where he would be now if not in Zack’s arms. 

“Hey! Lovebirds!”

“Well, moment’s over,” Zack chuckled, moving away from Cloud just in time to see Aerith ride around the bend, heading their way on a beautiful white chocobo. Tifa followed not too far behind on a pink mount, worry etched on her face as she spotted them. 

“We totally saw you wipe out on the cameras!” Aerith laughed shamelessly as she stopped next to them. “You two owe damages to the racetrack owner, just saying.”

“Oh, good. More money we don’t have.” Cloud punctuated that sentence with a glare directed at his other half, who, in return, simply chuckled sheepishly. 

“Oops.”

“Well, climb on. Tifa and I will take you back,” Aerith prompted. “Gotta say, though... there really are more romantic places to make out than on the chocobo racing track.”

“Eh,” Zack shrugged, helping Cloud stand and linking their fingers together. “We’re used to just taking whatever opportunity we can get.”  And Cloud clung on tightly, renewing his eternal vow never to let go.

[fantasyinvader]

Kamen Rider Saber: Finale and Series Review

Okay, before I start disemboweling this series I want to give the finale two points of props.

It was nice to see the main trio fight the big bad together rather than it just being the lead Rider.

The ending really feels nostalgic for me. It's like one of those old games or anime that tried to do something like Evangelion, mostly Star Ocean 3 comes to mind.

I was going to add another point: how the ending didn't have to rely on a cosmic retcon to turn things into a happy ending like Build or Zi-o did, leaving those who died dead and having some level of maturity. I was going to give the show that point, even if it felt like it was leading into Touma essentially becoming God, but then the show did it and...I'm going to be honest here, I was saying fuck you at the screen. Multiple times, kinda like when Doctor Who's 50th anniversary where it turns out Gallifrey wasn't destroyed, the Doctor sealed it away and just couldn't remember it. Like, that is the level of bullshit I was calling out, and with Doctor Who I only said it as an “oh fuck you” rather than just “fuck you fuck you fuck you” until I noticed I was doing this and stopped myself.

Got it? Good. Now let's put Kamen Rider Saber on the examination table, rip it open, and see what went wrong with it.

Oh my god, where to begin with this series?

You ever see a show or movie that tries to do too much for it's runtime? Maybe a book that has some ultimately good ideas, but it never fleshed them out properly? That's my biggest feeling with Saber. Individual parts of the story, some arcs and characters are good on paper. Not to mention, Touma has two incredibly sexy upgrades (the Ryuki-inspired Draconic Knight and the berserker Primitive Dragon). But there is just so much in here that, given the proper focus could have carried the show if properly developed. It's a case of quantity over quality.

But the main problem comes to it's central McGufffin, the Omniscient Tome. This book is supposed to have all knowledge and later on all stories contained within it. It's what powers Wonderworld and the Wonder Ridebooks that are the main collectable trinket of the season. But when you stop and think about it, Saber is a world where there is no free will and the antagonists are all rebelling against this in their own way. Kento's dad (former Kamen Rider Calibur) went rogue in the backstory because he was given a vision of the future through his sword, and it led to the former Saber taking up the role of Calibur and going rogue in order to learn the truth. When the other riders are turned against Touma, the argument is over how he's destined to become more powerful, making Touma seem like he's seeking power and could be a future threat. When Kento returns from the dead, he's haunted by visions of the world ending in multiple variations, leading to him trying to seal the Sacred Blades in order to stop it. But then Master Logos is revealed to be buttfucking insane, wanting to rebel against his position in the world. Then it turns out the monster faction's leader, was a former poet who lost hope when he learned that all his creations were already in the Omniscient Tome, so he decided he would end the world his way rather than the predetermined ending. And even then, the world still ended the way it was always fated to end, even with Touma disappearing to nu-Wonderworld if only for a year.

The world wasn't saved, it was destroyed and then rebuilt because Mei wrote an online post that encouraged people to share their stories, which they did in oblivion even though these guys shouldn't have seen the post at all and instead just heard her voice.

Like, maybe the nu-World has free will. I'd buy that. But when applied to the 47 episodes I've spent the last year watching (alongside the Zenkaiger crossover episode), it felt pointless because it ended the way it was foretold in the Omniscient Tome. It didn't matter that Storious was defeated, fate was not averted. It's like, the complaints people have about the MCU post-Loki. It doesn't matter that Tony decided to sacrifice himself, because he didn't have free will. He was always going to sacrifice himself. Thanos was always going to snap away half the universe, and it would always be undone because choices didn't matter before Loki's ending.

And that's not even going into how they final arc reveals that Touma can somehow create stories not present in the Omniscient Tome. That he can somehow, because the personification of Wonderworld choose him as a child, that for some reason he's the only writer in history that can do this. His catchphrase is about how he'll be the one who'll decide how the story ends, but with the idea that everything was set into stone? It's laughable.

Like, my problem with Zero One's ending was the last scene. Aruto had learned a lot about the Humagears and was an advocate for them finding their own dreams as they became self-aware AI. So him trying to treat a new humagear as just an amnesiac Is  and try to help her “remember”? That felt like a betrayal of the character and what he stood for. But the post-series movie revealed that Is left a copy of herself in the Zero Two driver, and merged with the non-self aware nu-Is who the movie kept reminding us wasn't the Is we knew. Aruto even had a sobbing scene about what he was doing, lowkey acknowledging what he was doing but without overtly calling him out. It fixed Zero One for me after that last scene left me with a bad taste in my mouth that overshadowed an otherwise excellent show.

You can't fix Saber with a single movie, that's what I'm getting at here.

So, with that out of the way let's go into my thoughts on each character.

Touma: Is one of the blandest main riders in the franchise. His sense of style is probably one of the worst I've ever seen though. Like I know they like to try and give the main riders their own look rather than having them dress like normal people, like Aruto wearing a hoodie under his suit jacket alongside with his very bright shoes, but this wasn't a W or even something like Ghost (where honestly I really liked Takeru's robe-like shirts). What they eventually settled on with Touma was a stupid hat, really baggy pants, and shirts that look like they came out of a stern librarian's closest. You know, the type with her hair in a bun and their horned-framed glasses on a chain.

Rintaro:Is one of those cases where he's meant to be the secondary Rider of the series, but is overshadowed because the writer likes to use someone else more. The idea of him having to turn against the organization that raised him (like a child soldier) could have worked really well if the series had a more free will-direction. But alas.

Kento: Kento's the one character I found I could really like. His arc was more interesting during the first quarter, his return as Calibur, but then he returned to being Espada and, as much as I love that suit, he just became Touma's main cheerleader. Really, I felt like towards the end it was a waste of him, especially since he doesn't get any power ups like Rintaro did to solidify him as one of the main three. He definitely feels like a victim of rewrites or just the writer not knowing what he was doing.

Mei: The female lead. Honestly, I just found her annoying most of the time. A womanchild to match Touma's more manchild moments, with a potential romance with Rintaro thrown in to only be confirmed in a future movie. Really, she should have taken over as Espada after Kento disappeared early on (especially since she's one of the three in the Ending dance while Kento isn't).

Daishinji: I'd say best boy, but he became a background character pretty quick.

Ogami: An older Kamen Rider who is also a father to a young child? Cool, and could even have worked in contrast to Rintaro's raising as essentially a child soldier. But alas, it was not to be.

Ren: OMG. A somewhat psycho younger Rider, idolizing Kento, and his social Darwinist beliefs on strength leading to conflict as Touma gets more powerful, leading to him abandoning the team to train with an enemy monster? HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT NOT WORK! I swear, Ren should have been the secondary Rider of the series, with his changes in beliefs being used more effectively.

Yuri: One of the most competantly written characters in the entire show. One of the original swordsman who became his sword, returning after 2000 years and not only feeling the culture clash of then and now but even how the idea of what makes a hero has changed? Good boy. Also loved him using a shadow body early on during fights.

Sophia: Why are you even here?

Reika: Oh boy, the swordswoman who leads the rest to distrust Touma under the orders of Master Logos, and doesn't sway from this until he's proven to be batshit insane? And even then, reluctant to join the others? Could have been better, especially if her relationship with her brother didn't come across as incesty. Though, could we please return her to Magine in Zenkaiger? Reika hugging her was really cute, in a socially awkward type of way.

Ryoga: Reika's brother. With his powers being something out of Jojo, time manipulation powers which are a bit hard to explain. He starts them and to his opponents things seem like the fight is continuing as normal, but he really exists outside of that and then can attack from a blindspot? Could have been really good with if the series had gone Team Free Will is all I'm saying.

Master Logos: What I mentioned above, but his Rider suit is one I'm in lust with. Just laughs like a madman and you're wondering why Reika and Ryoga don't rebel against him earlier.

The Megid: Two are a waste who I never bothered to learn their names. Fall out of focus for a bit and only return to be beaten, with the sad fact that they were once human. Storious is the exception, but even then I felt he was a little too late to save the series.

Tassel: Bon Lecture! I still hate you you weirdo, even if your death scene made me feel a little sad. The fact that you treated the early parts of the show as a story you were reading? Have you seen my other complaints?

As for the message of what the show tried to say? I don't really mind it. It's encouraging people to love stories, even if they are copies (considering the controversy of Time Paradox Ghostwriter and Cheat Slayer within recent memory, I'm trying not to make jokes about Saber encouraging plagiarism). And I don't think that's a bad thing in itself. Hell, how many stories take stuff from older stories and just tweak elements to make them their own? I love the Elric saga, but that was based on old legends and meant to subvert the likes of Conan the Barbarian, and some other stories I've liked have borrowed elements from it as well. The idea that stories can be used to pass on our hopes, thoughts and dreams to others is pretty nice as well, rather than writing being a form of masturbation on the author's part.

But in the shadow of the Omniscient Tome and it's implications, I really feel the story should have taken another route.

A lot of Riders start of weak, having to introduce the plot as well as the main release of whatever trinket they want kids to gorge themselves on this year. But they usually start getting better towards the end of the first quarter, while maybe stalling a bit towards the end of the second/third. Saber was a series that I felt never really found it's legs. Too many bareboned plot threads on the go, dropping some for a while only to pick them up again after they've been forgotten about. This is not a good series, to be honest I think Zi-O and even Ghost were better, and really feel it would have been better handled in the hands of someone who could actually write. 

Not to mention, this gave me flashbacks of Power Rangers Megaforce over how much this series relied on fight scenes. Throw in greenscreen everywhere, lack of civilians...oh god, it is Kamen Rider Megaforce. And it felt like Saber was trying to have a story, unlike Megaforce, but it has the same “it’s a kid’s show, we don’t have to try that hard” energy.

[adevotedappraisal]

Magdalene by FKA Twigs, a review.

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I’ve been learning some shit from women from as long as I’ve been alive. Always some other shit that I never asked for but I got told it.  I used to treat them things they said as laws as a child, but I never saw them in a book, so then I stopped believing them.  They were always hushed laws though, laws told with squinted eyes and italicized whispers, laws told when no one else was around.

I mean, now of course men make the real laws that we know and live by.  Well come on now, we write them on parchment, and display them on lights, we code them into computers, inscribe them on coins and stone. But these women…man women tell you some other shit, like glue shit, in low, muttered tones in the quiet part of the house.  Like advice on… well not how the world works, but how to deal with the world when it works against you, and how to make it work for you. But you see, I’ve come to believe that the fairer sex tells you different laws than the vaunted laws and advice of our fathers because they all around see the world differently than men do.  They may, in fact, have been harbouring different goals than us all along.  

I mean for christssakes us men have our hero’s journey as clear as day, writ large and indelible across history books and entertainment.  You could take that Joseph Campbell mono-myth theory and see it expressed in Arthurian swash-buckle, the middle earth ring-slaying of Tolkien, or in the recently concluded tri-trilogy of Star Wars galactic clashes.  We’re in the empire business, as Breaking Bad’s Walter White infamously said.  But still, the question always lingered to me: what is the heroine’s journey? Is it really just a lady in a knight’s armour? Or some tough-as-nails spy for some interloping government’s intelligence agency, delivering kidney kicks in a designer pencil skirt?

Well, I’ve come to believe that the heroine’s journey is navigating the waves of history we imperial and trans-national men make from our railroads and pipelines, our satellites and wars, them at once preserving a culture and sparking a path and creating a bond between cultures in order for them and their (il)legitimate brood to survive.  That old chestnut about how behind every successful man is a woman always unnerved me by its easy adoption. I kept thinking ‘bout that woman.  I kept thinking, what the fuck was she thinking?

You see women’s heroes, they ain’t as clear as day to me.  They don’t kill the dragon, they don’t save the townspeople, they don’t shoot the Sherriff, or the deputy, or anyone most times. When I ask people in public at my job what super power they would like, most men go for strength, flight, and regenerative abilities (my pick).  Most women went with mind reading and flight. In late night conversations though, with the moonlight coming through the white blinds and resting soft on us like so, I sometimes manage to hear that women’s heroes heal and clean the sick of the nation, in sneakers with heels as round as a childhood eraser; they feed a family with one fish and five slices of wonder bread; they would run gambling spots in the back of their house, putting the needle back on the Commodores record and patrolling the perimeter of the smoked-out room with a black .45 nested by their love handles; they climb up flag poles and speak out loud in public for the disposed and teach children those unwritten, floating laws while cloistered in the quiet part of the house.  

Although their heroines are sometimes from the top strata of society –a Pharaoh here, an Eleanor Roosevelt there, an Oprah over there—they also name a healthy mix of radicals and weirdos with modest music success, people like Susan B. Anthony, Frida Kahlo, Virginia Woolf, or Nikki Giovanni, I mean did Nina Simone or Janis Joplin even crack the Billboard top ten? Yet there they are, up on the walls of a thousand college dorms across the country.  So even though I couldn’t’ve foreseen it, it makes sense that of all the ultra-natural creatures, of all the great conquering kings and divining prophets of the Holy Bible, Mary Magdalene ends up the spirit animal for the album of the year for 2019.

Mary Magdalene was a follower of Jewish Rabbi Jesus during the first century, according to the four Gospels of the New Testament of the Bible, a figure who was present for his miracles, his crucifixion and was the first to witness him after his resurrection.  From Pope Gregory I in the sixth century to Pope Paul VI in 1969, the Roman Catholic Church portrayed her as a prostitute, a sinful woman who had seven demons exorcised from her.  Medieval legends of the thirteenth century describe her as a wealthy woman who went to France and performed miracles, while in the apocryphal text The Gospel of Mary, translated in the mid-twentieth century, she is Jesus’ most trusted disciple who teaches the other apostles of the savior’s private philosophies.

Due to this range of description from varying figures in society, she gets portrayed in differing ways, by all types of women, each finding a part of Magdalene to explain themselves through.  Barbra Hershey, in the first half of Scorsese’s The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) plays her as a firm and mysterious guide, a rebellious older cousin almost, while Yvonne Elliman, in Norman Jewison’s 1973 film adaptation of Lloyd Weber’s Jesus Christ Superstar is lovelorn and tender throughout, a proud witness of the Word being written for the first time.  In “Mary Magdalene,” FKA Twigs, the Birmingham UK alt-soul singer, describes the woman as a “creature of desire”, and she talks about possessing a “sacred geometry,” and later on in the song she tells us of “a nurturing breath that could stroke you/ divine confidence, a woman’s war, unoccupied history.” Her vocals that sound glassy and spectral in the solemn echoes of the acapella first third, co-produced by Benny Blanco, turn sensual and emotive when the blocky groove kicks in.  That groove comes into its own on the Nicolas Jaar produced back third, and when this all is adorned with plucked arpeggios it sounds like an autumnal sister to the wintry prowl of Bjork’s “Hidden Place” from her still excellent Vespertine (2001). 

This blending of the affairs of the body and of Christian theology is found in the moody “Holy Terrain” as well.  While it is too hermetic and subdued to have been an effective single, it still works really well as an album track.  In this arena, Future is not the hopped up king of the club, but a vulnerable star, with shaded eyes and a heart wrapped up in love and chemicals, sending his girl to church with drug money to pay tithes.  Over a domesticated trap beat he shows a vulnerable bond that can exist, wailing his sins and his devotion like a tipsy boyfriend does in the middle of a party, or perhaps like John the Baptist did, during one of his frenzied sermons, possessed and wailing “if you pray for me I know you play for keeps, calling my name, calling my name/ taking the feeling of promethazine away.”

Magdalene, the singer’s sophomore release, takes the mysterious power and resonance of this biblical anti-heroine, and involves its songs with her, these emotional, multi-textured songs about fame, pain and the break up with movie star boyfriend Robert Pattinson.  With “Sad Day,” Twigs sings with a delicate yet emotional yearning, imbued with a Kate Bush domesticity. The synth pads are a pulsing murmur, and the vocal samples are chopped and rendered into lonely, twisting figures.  The drums crash in only every once in a while, just enough to reset the tension and carve out an electronic groove, while the rest of the thing is an exercise in mood and restraint, the production by twigs, Jaar and Blanco, along with Cashmere Cat and Skrillex, leaves her laments cosseted in a floating sound, distant yet dense and tumultuous, the way approaching storm clouds can feel.   Meanwhile “Thousand Eyes” is a choir of Twigs, some voices cluttered and glittering, some others echoed and filled with dolour. “If you walk away it starts a thousand eyes,” she sings, the line starting off as pleading advice and by the close of the song ending up a warning in reverb, the vintage synths and updated DAWs used to create these sparse, aural haunts where the choral of shes and the digital ghosts of memory can echo around her whispered confessional.

In many of these divorce albums, the other party’s role in the conflict is laid bare in scathing terms: the wife that “didn’t have to use the son of mine, to keep me in line” from Marvin Gaye’s Here My Dear from 1979; the players who “only love you when they’re playin’” as Stevie Nicks sang on Fleetwood Macs Rumours (1977); or as Beyonce’s Lemonade (2017) charges, the husband that needs “to call Becky with the good hair.”   At first though, Twigs is diplomatic, like in “Home with me,” where she lays the conflict on both sides here, expressing the rigours of fame, the miscommunication –accidental or intentional –that fracture relationships, and the violent, tenuous silence of a house where one of the members is in some another country doing god knows what, physically or mentally. “I didn’t know you were lonely, if you’d just told me I’d be home with you,” she sings in the chorus over a lonely piano, while the verse sections have the piano chords flanked by blocks of glitch, and littered with flitched-off synths. Then, the last chorus swirls the words again, along with the strings and horns and everything into a rising crescendo of regret.

Later in the album however, her anger once smoldering is set alight, in the dramatic highlight “Fallen Alien.” Twigs sings with an increasing tension, as her agile voice morphs from confused, pouting girlfriend to towering lady of the manor, launching imprecations towards a past lover and perhaps fame itself. “I was waiting for you, on the outside, don’t tell me what you want ‘cuz I know you lie,” she sings, and, after the tension ratchets up becomes “when the lights are on, I know you, see you’re grey from all the lies you tell,” and then later on we have her sneering out loud “now hold me close, so tender, when you fall asleep I’ll kick you down.”  All while pondering pianos drop like rain from an awning, tick-tocking mini-snares and skittering noises flit across the beat like summer insects, the kicks of which are like an insistent, inquisitive knocking at the door, and then there’s that sample, filtered into an incandescent flame, crackling an  I FEEL THE LIGHTNING BLAST! all over the song like the arc of a Tesla coil. The song is a shocking rebuke, and it becomes apparent upon replays that the songs are sequenced to lead up to and away from it, the gravitational weight giving a shape and pace to the whole album.  Because of this, the other songs on Magdalene have more tempered, subtle electronic hues and tones, as if the seductive future soul of 2013s “Water Me” from EP2, and the inventive, booming experimentation of “Glass & Patron” from 2015s M3LL1SSX, were pursed back and restrained until it was needed most, and this results in an album more accomplished, nuanced and focused than her impressive but inconsistent debut LP1 (reviewed here).  

This technique of electronic restraint has shown up in the most recent albums by experimental pioneers, with the sparse, mournful tension of Radiohead’s A Moon Shaped Pool (2017), it’s cold, analog synths and digital embellishments cresting on the periphery of the song, and with Wilco’s Ode to Joy from last year, an album bereft of their lauded static and electric scrawl, mostly embossed in acoustic solitude and brittle, wintery guitar licks.  Twigs and her co-producers take the same knack for the most part throughout the album, like with closer “Cellophane,” where the dramatic voice and piano are in the forefront, while effects crunch lightly in the background like static electricity in a stretched sweater, and elsewhere, as the synths of “Daybed” slowly intensify into a sparkling soundscape, as if manufacturing an awakening sunrise through a bedroom window.  And it is this seamless melding of organic and electronic instruments, to express these wretched and fleeting emotions of heartbreak that makes this the album of the year.

It makes sense that an artist like FKA Twigs would be drawn to a figure like Mary Magdalene.  Of the many Marys in the New Testament, she stuck out as palpably different, or rather, she depicted a differing part of womanhood than the other two.  She wasn’t the chaste, life-giving mother of Jesus, or the dutiful Mary of Clopas. Instead, Magdalene was this mixture of sexuality and spirituality, one of those figures that managed to know men and women in equal measure, wrapped up with the blood as well as the flesh.  Twigs also played with this enrapturing sexuality in her work, writhing around in bed begging some papi to pacify her and fuck her while she stared at the sun, then making you identify with the lamentations of video girls, and then telling you in two weeks you won’t even recognize who you were seeing before.  There was something mysterious and layered to her millennial art-chick sexpot act though, layers that have begun to be revealed with this album.  

We realise now, that what she was depicting all along was more like the sexual heat that lays underneath devotion, as opposed to fleeting, mayfly lust, and that she now understands the weight and half-life of love.  That is, that beyond the sex and patron and fame there is a near sacred love we build between each other for a while in time, lasting as long as both hands can bear to hold it, and also that the death of a relationship still has the memory of the love created warm within it that then radiates off slow into the air.  A love that then falls into our minds for safekeeping dark and unobstructed now, the way Jesus’ blood fell from his wound into Joseph of Arimathea’s grail held aloft.  

“I never met a hero like me in a sci-fi,” FKA Twigs sings, an evocative line less so for the hegemonic patriarchy of the worldwide movie and comic book industry suggested by ‘the sci-fi’ here, and more for the ‘hero like me’ part, which suggests she had to make her hero origin story all up, without the scaffolding of centuries of relatable mythologies, presenting us with an avatar of millennial love, in all of its tortured luster.  And you hear this type of love in her voice, no longer changed up and ran through a filter for Future Soul sophistication most times, but out in the open now, to express particular emotions, whether it’s in that swooping, falling ‘I’ in the heart-break closer “Cellophane,” or her assured realisation, later on “Home With Me” where she says “But I’d save a life if I thought it belonged to you/ Mary Magdalene would never let her loved ones down.”  

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It’s never about how to conquer with these women you see.  In the end of all relationships it’s how they find their way out after us temporarily embarrassed conquerors are about to leave, jacket slung over shoulder, standing by the door. You squint your eyes back at her this time, and you listen this time, while she tells you, or tells the ground in front of you, what parts of love to let go of, and what parts are worth holding on to in this age of Satan, the parts that will help you become yourself. “I wonder if you think that I could never help you fly,” the song tells you then, one of those stinging admissions that only women come up with, and you wisely stay silent, and then the piano chords part, the synths subside. And for a while there as she looks at you, as the breathy sortilege in the song keeps going, it all sounds like something worth believing in again.  And then, the words she says to you start to come across like laws.

[uozlulu]

Who are your favorite top ten black clover characters and ships? Talk about them.

This is both easy and hard. Like I have so many faves and ships, can I really make a top ten? Let’s find out

Ten top faves in order they came to my brain:

Asta - It was favorite character at first bellow really. I like that he’s got his own political philosophy which is more than some other Jump heroes in similar positions have sometimes. He reads very nephew I never had to me. I just really love loud, kind characters really. 

Noelle - I like that her powers improve and grow with her desire to protect others. She’s also set up for such a great character arc when all is said and done. It’ll be fun to see her continue to loosen up more and more as we go now that she’s with a family who loves her openly and unconditionally.

Yuno - He reminds me of my little brother so a lot of his interactions with Asta bring on a lot of nostalgia. I also like how there are layers to him even if they’re subtle. He’s clearly got some depression issues to work through. I’m looking forward to how he handles a manga spoiler as he deals with more and more with such things. 

Charmy - I like that she can be both funny but also srsbsns when needed. She’s always entertaining and there’s so much more we can learn about her as we go along. 

Mereoleona - She’s very loud and very interesting. Like does sense use her grimoire when she makes those fire paws? I think we’ve only seen evidence of her grimoire open once but maybe that was actually Fuego’s. I also like how she’s in a position in which she can reject the nonsense of nobility without us having to sit through some family estrangement drama.

Magna - I want to see more of him. He’s an interesting dad friend to Klaus’ mom friend and he’s also constantly struggling to make things work. He’s very, very relatable. Reminds me of my struggle with learning to spell and learning math post-pre-algebra. 

Charlotte - I love her. A constant contradiction. Confined by the etiquette of nobility and her own nerves while deep down having her teen crush phase ten years later than most. Really hoping the filler arc allows her to sort some stuff out not only for shipping reasons but I think that she’s kind of not quite done with her identity crisis so if she could get more of a harness on some of her contradictions or find a way to blend them together more smoothly that would be good for her overall. Would also love to see her and Luck figure out they’re actually (half?) siblings

Vangeance - Very relatable back story, and I am looking forward to seeing how he grows as a character now separated from Patri. Looking forward to what the filler arc is going to do with him. 

Yami - He reminds me of my older sister in how he and Asta interact with each other, though my sister and I don’t you know how so much bathroom conversation >____>;;; (but that’s Jump for you). I’m hoping we get to learn more about him as we go along here. Also curious how many people in Clover Kingdom realize Yami is actually his surname considering Julius calls him Yami and calls Vangeance William.

Father Orsi - I’ve always rather liked him. In many ways he’s Asta and Yuno’s dad. I’m kind of hoping the current backstory subplot ends with that being acknowledged in some way kind of like how during the elf arc we had a lot of familial talk like Licht and Tetia getting married, Yuno being the reincarnation of their child, Tetia and Lumiere being siblings, etc...and had a plot point of Asta saving Orsi’s life while Yuno kept the threat at bay. Yuno especially is at a critical point that his part of the subplot could go in that kind of direction, which would be nice since Asta had the bigger father son moment with Orsi last time, but it won’t surprise me if by the time we get there it will be both Asta and Yuno who affirm that Hage is their home and the church and their squads are their families. 

Ten ships I enjoy in no particular order: 

Asta/Noelle - Asta’s still hopelessly devoted to Sister Lily and Noelle has only just discovered her heart can doki doki but I think they have the potential to grow and change together and become a really strong couple as that progresses. 

Yami/Charlotte - These two are very relatable. Does Yami know? I think he does, but I also think he can’t be 100% certain, which is very relatable especially since I too grow up as an “other” around my peers. Charlotte is also relatable because a lot of what she says out loud is some of my own internal monologue from back when I used to get crushes on people. It’s such a stupid mutual crush that could really become something fun if they would both just communicate and be themselves. 

Luck/Magna - They have a deep friendship and understanding of each other which could totally translate into something more if they wanted, which is always my jam. They also seem to know how far is too far when you factor out that they’re a hyper violent comedy routine at times, and that’s also nice. 

Yami/Vangeance - Makes me sad how little content there is for this ship especially after I filter out what I don’t want to see on AO3. Again you’ve got that friendship that could evolve aspect and they’re also two people Clover Kingdom sees as an “other” and had to prove themselves to get where they are. They both seem to have a love style that isn’t controlling given the love they show for their squads, which I think is what both of them need. 

Finral/Klaus - I know. I know. Everyone’s going “Where did that even come from?” and the answer is there is so little Black Clover fic when I saw a fic for this ship a while back I was like “Okay. Tell me more,” and it sold me on the ship. Both of them are kind of in a support position for their squads, they were both raised as nobles, and they both are kind of learning to let go of that nobility, though Finral has already let go of a lot of it now and Klaus is only starting to loosen up. It’s an interesting dynamic I’d like to see more of. 

Noelle/Kahono - Might have been me projecting a bit but when Kahono set up a double date designed to get Noelle and Asta together it reminded me of when I was in the closet back in middle and high school and fixed this girl I had a crush on up with the boys she liked alsfjldskfjaldkj. Also Kahono seems to have a lot of warmth and affinity for Noelle, and I think if they were able to interact more something could develop. They’d be very cute together, though I think Noelle likes her crushes weirder than Kahono but maybe Kahono has a secret weirdo side we just haven’t seen yet. 

Grey/Gauche - Do you ever like look at Gauche and feel that one gifset of Nick Furry burst forth? Yeah, so in a world in which he finally calms down a bit about Marie, he can be part of a ship as a treat. I like that they both can bring out sides of each other others can’t and I think they both have a lot of room to grow together as people. It would also be nice to see Gauche unwind a bit (though I think he’ll always be stuffy) and Grey open up more (though she’ll always be shy). They also seem like characters that wouldn’t overwhelm each other either, which is good because I think both of them wouldn’t respond well to more aggressive personality types. 

Charmy/Rill - We need to talk about how everyone Rill loves has handed him his ass. We really do. His butler did, Asta did, and now wolf!Charmy has. Just wait until sheep!Charmy hands him his ass, he’ll never look back. That said, that’s not why I like them. I like them because I think Charmy needs someone who will appreciate her and I think Rill definitely will as he gets used to her. I also think Rill needs someone who won’t put up with nonsense unless it’s the fun kind of nonsense and Charmy definitely would fit the right kind of chaotic energy. I also like ships in which the girl is just as capable of saving the boy (a la Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask) so again, like Asta/Noelle and Yami/Charlotte, I’m here for this ship. 

Leopold/Yuno - This stemmed from me thinking about how they would interact since strangely enough we’ve not seen them in the same place as the same time yet since Leopold didn’t participate in the Royal Knight Selection Exam. I would love to read some fics with this pairing but there aren’t a lot out there. In some ways it’s that anxiety/depression ship dynamic that I gravitate towards so it’s no surprise I’m curious how it would go. Maybe they’ll get to work together in the next major battle arc. 

Noelle/Nero - But like when Nero is in human form, you know? Again, it’s that anxiety/depression dynamic. I also think that while Noelle can draw on strength from Nero in battle, Nero can draw on strength from Noelle outside of battle because Noelle has that side of her that likes to care for people and has a lot of compassion for others even though she tries to cover it up by being tsundere. It’ll be fun to watch them fight alongside each other since they’re both going to be training in Heart Kingdom during the filler arc at some point.