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still-a-morosexual-help · 3 years

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OBEY ME! LESSON 47 DETAILED SUMMARY + THEORIES

The lesson starts with Simeon and Levi laughing over how Lucifer forgot Diavolo in the game. Belphie complains about what a pain in the ass it was cause Lucifer made Belphie and some of the others go back into the game to get Diavolo and how Belphie had to start with the party at the beginning and so was unable to straight away teleport them to the castle and how as it was the second play through everything was harder and how diavolo had been so pissed he’d given them all the silent treatment, though Belphie did end up chuckling about how much that had freaked out Lucifer. Belphie says that as an apology Lucifer had finished all of Diavolo’s paper work and given him a free day off so Diavolo would be visiting. Levi says that he’ll be shutting himself in his room then and when MC asks about it Levi says that it’s not like Diavolo is coming to see him and it’s not like he cares about seeing Diavolo either. That truthfully he doesn’t really like Diavolo all that much cause he’s too serious and scary and cause they share no interests so Diavolo won’t have any idea what Levi talks about and how he’s scared he’ll say something dumb in front of him and piss Lucifer off. He makes MC promise him to him away from Diavolo. Belphie says that you shouldn’t spend time with a person you don’t like anyway. Simeon says that maybe you should take the opportunity to get to know a person better before you decide whether you like them. MC can agree with either Simeon or Belphie. Simeon then gets a call from Lucifer asking him to send the other 3 home cause Diavolo has gone missing.

At home Belphie says maybe Diavolo actually ran away from home to freak out Lucifer as revenge for the whole game thing. Satan and Beel greet them at the door. Satan to show them something funny and Beel to get one of Simeon’s sandwiches from Belphie. Satan takes them to the living room where Lucifer is pacing and screaming down the phone at Barbatos, yelling about not being able to find anything yet and demanding Barbatos calls him the second something turn up and if he can’t get to him then one of the others, before keeping the call and trying to figure out who else he can call and traumatise. Mammon is trying to get Lucifer to sit down and calm down and breath for fuck’s sake. Mammon gets yelled at for his efforts cause how the fuck can Lucifer calm down when Diavolo is missing. Except, yeah Diavolo might follow a stranger if they offer him candy, but y’know Diavolo’s an ancient incredibly powerful being I’m sure Lucifer can afford to calm down a little but whatever. Mammon tries to get MC to calm Lucifer down and honestly I love Mammon so much he’s such a good brother is2g. If Mc commands Lucifer to stay he um “EEKs”? and then blushes about the sound he just made (I’m not into romancing Lucifer at all but am I the only one who thinks he’s turned on by MC’s power over him despite his whole Sadistic Dom personality? It happened once or twice in the very beginning of S2 as well) According to Asmo while Diavolo had been going through the portal to the human world Barbatos, who has the flu, had sneezed and now they have no idea where in the human world Diavolo ended up. With the saddest expression Lucifer says, “Oh Diavolo, where have you gone!?” and I’m??? You want me to let MC come in between that!!? Lowkey wish OM! Did something like the Arcana where when MC picks a LI, a couple of the remaining LI get together. In every version where MC doesn’t pick Lucifer I desperately want him and Diavolo to get together and in the versions that MC picks either Lucifer or Diavolo I want there to be the option for the three of them to be in a poly relationship, pls. MC asks why they can’t just call Diavolo and Mammon says they’ve tried a bunch of times but being unable to. Levi says he knows someone who might be able to help

Levi takes them all to his room and Asmo is in tears as he tells levi it’s fine if his friend is imaginary cause asmo has a lot of imaginary friends – aka in his words first he imagines a beautiful man and then a beautiful woman and then well he imagines them all fucking and the fact that this otome game has 11 LIs and not a single one of them is straight is just…beautiful. I’m so happy wtf. Levi insits his friend exists and when MC says they believe him he says that even if he makes other friends that won’t displace MC’s role as his friend. Lucifer tells him to cut the BS. And it’s Alexa!? Levi introduces them to fucking Alexa and I’m screaming sir pls. It’s called Crowe here though and he completely dismisses MC’s “fnkfjkjdjkjkdvjkfd pls tell me you understand wtf that actually is” by saying how Crowe is always up to talk to Levi about any interest Levi brings up and the rest of the brothers are greatly impressed while MC goes through a crisis in the corner. Beel asks if there’s a little person inside it who talks and casts spells. Belphie while blushing asks if he can talk to crowe and I can’t fucking believe after 3 seasons MC’s gonna be replaced by fucking Alexa. Belphie asks crowe if it’s Levi’s friends and gets a “If you say so” which Levi gets really excited about and what it likes about levi and gets “how he’s able to turn everything into a negative thing” which levi takes as a compliment and this is really sad guys but then again I did once spend weeks trying to get Siri to agree to date me so… Belphie then asks Crowe to turn Lucifer into a rabbit, it obviously doesn’t work. Levi asks crowe where Lord diavolo is and MC becomes increasingly more annoyed at being the only sane person in the room. Crowe obviously doesn’t know how to answer that.

Asmo asks about the sensitive spots on Lucifer’s body (wtf asmo c’mon) and Satan asks for Lucifer’s weaknesses, Crowe answers with “I’m sorry. I can’t answer that” which the brothers take to mean that crowe knows but is refusing to say. Lucifer threatens him to keep quiet and Crowe says he understands, Belphie is upset that Lucifer threatened crowe and Levi says he made Crowe sad. All the while MC is losing their mind and insisting that Crowe’s just tech, while the brothers all ignore and talk over them. In what is probably a fit of jealous rage MC commands the brothers to all sit the fuck down and explains to them that crowe really is just an electronic device. Levi refuses to believe them and insists Crowe is his friend. This somehow leads to Levi giving crowe Diavolo’s phone number and Crowe tracking his phone and Lucifer remembers “oh yeah shit missing boyfriend”. They end up in a karaoke bar. The sweet relieved smile on Lucifer’s face when they find him is everything. Diavolo asks how he looks dressed as a human and MC compliments him. Mammon scolds Diavolo for worrying them and Asmo says he feels silly to have been so worried now, Lucifer tries to herd Diavolo back home but Diavolo says he can’t go cause a note on the door (in devildom script) says the room is cursed and only allows you to exit once you get a 100% score on the karaoke machine. Asmo’s pissed cause he has a spa/salon appointment, Levi has a gamin event, Beel has a buffet and Satan’s pissed cause he wanted to think up of more cat related hashtags he could try searching up and I’m- Lucifer says it’ll be easier to do the task than try to break the curse using magic and Diavolo agrees. Belphie says Diavolo looks way too happy. And look I’m just gonna say it now cause we ALL know it – Diavolo’s definitely behind this and using it as some way to hang out with the others.

Asmo’s happy about being able to sing karaoke and Levi complains but is also searching for anime songs so. Belphie and MC think the situation is strange cause doesn’t being in the human world mean this shit doesn’t happen to them anymore? Diavolo says the bar is owned by the three legged crow group (aka yatagarasu) – the Devildom’s largest holdings company and developers of the D.D.D.. Their mascot (Blackjak) is one of the chat stickers. Diavolo’s the majority shareholder of the company. They’ve been expanding to the human world as well, mostly because of demand from sorcerers and witches. They also developed crowe, with Levi having a prototype. Levi realising crowe’s not a real person starts crying (and wiping his face on Satan’s clothes) about crowe got him tickets for a band and how cause Levi thought crowe also liked them he made sure to buy two tickets for both him and crowe and I’m just this is so sad. MC takes the opportunity to sweep in and say y’know I’m your friend and hold Levi’s hand to which Levi blushes and thanks them. Crowe’s the one hosting the Karaoke and says if one person manages a 100 score everyone can leave and that to make things interesting he’ll be throwing in some surprises. Crowe: All right then, party on! Diavolo: PARTY ON!!!!! :D Lucifer: *SIGH*

Asmo goes first cause he’s the best singer they have, Levi complains about Asmo being good at everything when he has nothing and MC teases him about being the Avatar of Envy. Asmo nails the first part of the song but in the interlude as one of crowe’s surprises Asmo starts hearing his fans screaming to him (which no one else can hear) and starts the second part a bit late so his score is 88. As punishment for not scoring a 100 Crowe kills Asmo. Or rather he sends him to be tortured till someone is able to score 100 and set him free. Lucifer, as expected, is not pleased. Levi is excited about how this is suddenly a game of life or death. Lucifer is very much not pleased with that. Diavolo’s also extremely pleased. Lucifer’s going through it. Mammon (who was so busy picking out a song that he didn’t notice one of his brothers got kidnapped) volunteers to go next. Though he’s not as good as Asmo he’s apparently a very good singer and once sang lead vocals in a band at RAD. Mammon chooses a love Ballad “Even if I wind up as a demon, I’ll always love you” and oh baby… the brothers immediately realise Mammon fucked up when choosing the song, Diavolo goes ??? and MC ignores them all to do what they always do best and that’s to be Mammon’s #1 cheerleader (still can’t get over how much MC took charge and planned everything during Mammon’s bday event and had the brothers start giving him his little presents/notes a whole week before the actual date, when in every other bday event they just took a backseat role and let the others plan and fix everything up while they distracted the bday person. Whether you ship them together or not you gotta agree Mammon’s got a real special place in MC’s heart.) Anyway MC cheers Mammon on and Mammon blushes and stutters and then refuses to sing the song cause he realises he just picked to sing a love song in front of the person he’s in love with and tries to switch his song last minute. But cause he completely missed his cue to start he gets scored 0 and sent to hell. Satan says Mammon should be fine cause he’s used to that sort of thing. Diavolo: :D WOW :D THIS :D IS :D TERRIBLE :D ! :D Lucifer: Really, cause your face is saying something else entirely…

They all sit silently looking sad for a bit. Lucifer says Asmo & Mammon were their best chances of getting out with perfect scores, satan wonders (with a sad expression) where they are and what’s been done to them. Levi says let’s be real Asmo’s probably getting off rn. Lucifer says they need to focus on who’s here rn and getting out. Diavolo volunteers to go next and Lucifer shuts him down, Diavolo whines about it. MC asks if it’s cause Diavolo is the heir and they can’t risk losing him. Lucifer agrees. Diavolo reluctantly agrees but in exchange he wants Beel & Belphie to sing next together cause he once heard them at a RAD festival and they were amazing. Beel starts ordering everything on the menu. Lucifer says if they harmonize they might be able to get a perfect score. The twins sing perfectly together and Dia & Luci are beaming until Beel’s food order finally arrives by materializing on the table all Hogwarts style and well you can guess what happens then. Lucifer seems uncharacteristically rattled and upset by all this and I mean yeah he has to slowly watch his family disappear in front of his eyes while he’s unable to do anything about it – this is probably his worst nightmare. Plus if they don’t get out chances are he’s gonna end up stuck in a tiny room for the rest of his life so

They’re silent and sad for a bit till Satan says that Levi sings a lot of karaoke alone in his room. Levi says it’s not really karaoke and that he just puts on his headphones and sings along with the opening but also how does satan know that!? And satan says, well who doesn’t know that and Levi freaks out and turn to MC and they’re like lol yeah sorry and Levi freaks out more and wishes for death while Diavolo very happily says that Levi must be very talented and that he’d love to hear it someday and Levi starts floundering and deflecting. Satan says Levi shouldn’t be so modest cause usually when they go out to karaoke he doesn’t let any of them leave till he’s sung all his anime songs and Diavolo asks if Levi’s being shy cause he’s there. Levi blushes while Diavolo keeps complimenting him and encouraging him to sing and MC remembering their promise to Levi bails him out by basically saying he’d be too nervous around new people to get a perfect score and Diavolo lets it drop after Levi agrees with them. Satan’s need to leave and watch cat videos becomes too great and he volunteers and Lucifer happily encourages him. Diavolo gets closer to MC and says so did you do something to Lucifer again? Had one of your therapy sessions? And MC teases and says maybe. Diavolo happily says he knew o=it cause usually Lucifer isn’t willing to admit how highly he thinks of Satan and he actually calls MC a “family therapist” and I’m so glad someone finally said it, at this point MC should be getting paid is2g. Satan sings his favourite ballad and Diavolo compliments his singing while Lucifer just compliments Satan as a person in general for striving to do his best in everything and facing challenges with a cool head. Diavolo laughs about how much praise Lucifer’s giving out and Lucifer says he’s just stating the truth. Lucifer says satan should get a 100 until the tv starts showing cat videos, Lucifer yells at satan to not get distracted and satan is able to resist it until it starts showing a pile of sleepy kittens curled up together, who are starting to doze off. It’s too much for satan to stops the song to coo at them, he gets an 83 and is taken away. Levi says that even though it was fun at first he’s starting to get scared. Diavolo asks if Lucifer wants to go next.

#obey me spoilers #my posts #my theories #obey me #obey me!#swd obey me #shall we date? obey me!#obey me shall we date

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firelord-zuzu-the-jerkbender · 4 years

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Curled Up Small

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Tw: references to canon child abuse

Sokka didn't exactly know what he'd done to be blessed like this, but he wasn't going to question it. They were travelling overnight, taking it in shifts to pilot the bison, keep a lookout, and sleep. Aang was piloting currently, Katara keeping a lookout. Toph was sprawled out in the middle, and Zuko? They certainly hadn't fallen asleep close together, but Sokka had woken up with a dead arm and the firelord napping on his chest. Zuko had his face buried in the fabric of Sokka's shirt, gripping it in his hands like a blanket.

Sokka was beginning to get cramp in his legs, but every time he shifted, Zuko whined softly in his sleep and frowned, holding him tighter. Sokka didn't have the heart to wake him up, not when he looked so comfortable and restful. Zuko didn't sleep much, and often when he did sleep, it was fitful, full of thrashing nightmares and abrupt wakings. He only really slept peaceful when he was completely exhausted, or when he felt completely safe, although that wasn't always a guarantee. This seemed to be a decent night for Zuko, so it was the right thing to do, really, to let him nap.

And maybe… maybe Sokka was being a little selfish, enjoying being so close to such an oddly cuddly firebender. There was no way he could cuddle Zuko like this out of the blue, so if Zuko decided that Sokka was a pillow, then Sokka was a pillow if it meant being close to him.

Sokka couldn't help but make small observations about Zuko like this. He didn't snore, but he did exhale tiny puffs of smoke through his nose, kinda like what Sokka would imagine a baby dragon to be like. He breathed slow and calm through his nose- his breathing was barely audible, but his chest moved as he breathed each time. Zuko had freckles, Sokka noticed, but they were pale and barely visible. You had to be close to notice them, but they were dotted over the bridge of his nose and across his cheekbone. Sokka wondered what the freckles on his left would have been like before.

Sokka had the urge to pet his hair, kind of like if the firelord was a cat- although, Sokka figured he shared some traits with cats, like being an asshole for no reason sometimes, being angry but tiny… Sokka reached out, gently smoothing Zuko's hair back behind his ear, lightly scratching at his scalp. Zuko huffed a puff of smoke out of his nose, a few embers landing on Sokka's shirt. He smiled slightly in his sleep, and if Sokka wasn't in love before, he certainly was now.

Zuko shifted, and for a moment, Sokka feared he'd woken him, but instead Zuko put his leg over Sokka's and rolled further onto his chest. Sokka was pretty sure he was gonna have the worst case of pins and needles when the guy woke up, but for now, he didn't mind. Zuko looked comfortable, and he deserved to be comfortable. He'd suffered so much, struggled so much. Maybe Zuko would only have a brief respite from all of that pain in moments like these, but that's what made them so special. Sokka wanted Zuko to rest, to recover, to be okay.

Zuko shivered, and Sokka supposed it was probably pretty cold for him. The fire nation was hot, even of a night, but where they were now, above the ocean, it was freezing. And whilst Zuko had spent time at sea, he'd been surrounded by fire there, and he had a room indoors. There wasn't a warm campfire or a roof on Appa, and whilst Sokka didn't find it particularly cold, he was used to polar conditions, so he supposed Zuko, who grew up in a warm climate and only carried thin clothes, was probably freezing his nuts off.

Sokka reached for one of the spare blankets in the pile beside him and carefully wrapped it around Zuko, bringing it over his ears to keep them warm but making sure his mouth and nose weren't covered so he could breathe easier. He even managed to get the blanket over Zuko's feet, so his feet wouldn't get cold. Zuko mumbled, pulling the blanket over his head and burying his face further into Sokka's chest, but aside from that, he didn't rouse from sleep, his breath soon evening out again.

Zuko slept peacefully through most of the night, but at the first peek of sunrise, he slowly began to stir. At first, he just huffed, frowning and burying himself deeper in the blankets with an indignant huff of smoke embers from his nose, drifting back into a short nap before consciousness seemed to slowly start to return.

And that's when it occurred to Sokka that he was cuddling the firelord, his completely platonic buddy who Sokka had non-platonic feelings for. Zuko shifted again, knee painfully digging into Sokka's thigh. Zuko frowned, forcing his eye half open- the scarred eye was still sealed shut with sleep, and Zuko was trying to blink the sleep away before he sighed and tried to settle back down for another nap, although it was only a minute of shuffling and elbows digging into Sokka that Zuko gave up sleep with a soft groan.

"Morning," he mumbled, blindly reaching out and patting Sokka's face as he opened his eye a little bit. He cupped Sokka's jaw and kissed him softly without thinking, snuggling back onto Sokka's chest to try and sleep again, and Sokka was having a fucking crisis because Zuko just kissed him good morning and they weren't even dating, were they dating?

Sokka didn't get to overthink it before Zuko shot up, eyes wide open. "I. Uh." Zuko blushed a blotchy, mottled puce, cheeks ruddy with probably embarrassment and humiliation, and it occurred to Sokka that Zuko hadn't really thought about it, that he'd just kissed Sokka like it was normal. "Um. I- I'm sorry," Zuko apologised, scrambling across to the other side of the saddle. He hunched over completely, folding in on himself like he was ashamed, and he looked about ready to cry.

Sokka took a few moments to process what happened, before slowly moving to sit beside Zuko. Zuko didn't move away, although he did look away. Sokka caught a glimpse of a tear running down Zuko's cheek, heard a quiet sniffle. So he was crying, after all. "Zuko…"

"I said I'm sorry, please, just, leave me alone!" Zuko's voice was breaking, vulnerable. He looked and sounded small, like he was trying to make himself small… Sokka had seen Zuko the opposite, had seen him explode with anger when he felt threatened. He'd scowl and yell and puff his chest out and he'd physically fight anyone, especially if they were taller than him, but now…?

Now Zuko was trying to protect himself, trying to make himself small and invisible. It looked like his hunched posture was an attempt to protect himself, to protect his body. He kept his arms and legs locked tightly in front of his torso, head ducked down and face protected.

He looked scared, like he was waiting to be hurt, to be yelled at or pushed, maybe hit, or… or burned…

Fuck.

Sokka's heart dropped, because he'd never fully registered just how hurt and traumatised Zuko was until now. "Zuko…" he began gently, careful to keep his tone soft, "I'm not mad at you, or upset. I- I promise. I just want to talk…"

"I'm sorry," Zuko repeated, "I- I won't kiss you again, I- I am so, so sorry that I- that I kissed you, and, I understand if you're uncomfortable about it, and I'm sorry I-I'm gay!"

"I'm not uncomfortable," Sokka replied gently. He scooted closer a little, but Zuko flinched, so Sokka didn't get any closer. "And, there's nothing to be sorry for. You were half asleep anyway, and… I guess maybe I… kind of don't want to forget it happened." Sokka took a measured breath, reluctant to confess whilst Zuko was so upset and distressed, but he knew that if he'd kissed Zuko half asleep, he'd rather be nervously asked out than pretend it didn't happen and have his heart crushed. "I liked the kiss," Sokka confessed quietly.

Zuko inhaled sharply, going rigid, before he breathed out slowly, his breath shaking, but he relaxed his posture slightly. "Y… you…?"

"I like you," Sokka confessed carefully, "a lot. I'd like to fall in love with you, and all that soppy stuff. Not that I'm not already in love with you, but, I'd like us to fall deeper in love together, if that makes sense? So, uh… yeah, I'm into dudes too."

"I-" Zuko cut himself off, taking a measured breath and breathing out a small poof of flames. "Have been flirting with you since I joined team avatar," he continued, which certainly isn't what Sokka was expecting, but he certainly wasn't against this unusual development. "Thank you for noticing." That smirk Zuko gave him in the cooler when he breathed fire did things to Sokka, and now Sokka knew that it was meant to. Oh boy, Zuko was good at this and Sokka was screwed.

"Oh," Sokka replied eloquently, because he was smooth like that. "Cool! Wanna, uh..."

"Do an activity together…?" Zuko added awkwardly, and Sokka snorted at the irony- he'd once said that to Yue, and it was oddly reassuring and endearing to find out that Zuko was just as bad at this as Sokka was. He was an awkward little turtleduck.

"Sounds good," Sokka replied, reaching out to rest his hand on top of Zuko's. Zuko smiled softly to himself, blushing, so Sokka added, "and you're free to nap on me whenever you need to." Zuko lightly shoved him over with a smile.

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gayandvibin · 4 years

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30, 33 and 45 for Robbie and Jacob lol ?

Ohoho I am so sorry for how much I ramble on, but these have been super interesting to work on!!!

30) Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they ever have kids? Why?

Robbie and Rowan get married pretty young after the uhh Debacle... in which Rowan IS COMPLETELY SAFE AND LOVED, JC CAN COME FOR ME!!

Robbie manages to send their branch of the Flores family into a bit of a crisis over this (mmm, pureblood slytherins, how fun), but they have each other at least, so he’s not the most bothered.

Weirdly enough, I don’t see them having kids together? Just like 17 cats. Rowan ends up a professor so I suppose he’d consider his classes his ‘kids’ in a way? But neither of them are particularly fussed one way or the other.

Okay so I’ve always had it in my head that Jacob and Griffin would eventually settle down and retreat from everything together... however my dumb gay ass was always like?? But what about Kettle??? Initially they were just sort of a dickhead that existed but I’m attatched now :( All of them go through some shit between Jacob’s disappearance and return, and Kettle particularly... calms down? I guess? They stop being a prat for the fun of it, and grow up a lot more than I intended (hehe oops, everyone’s traumatised now...)

That’s a really long-winded way of trying to say that they’re now a lil poly thing - Jacob gardens and runs a very small herbology/botanical business (im thinking a flower shop in a muggle village, where he maybe also grows common potion ingredients?), Griffin is a ministry worker, and Kettle is just kinda vibin, enjoying a quiet life.

(this is my own fault for making so many ocs, there’s a little about them buried in this blog, but I need to make something coherent about these kids)

As for kids, Jacob would never have wanted kids himself, but they eventually end up adopting a kid later on - someone from shitty situations similar to his own childhood, something he is Not going to let anyone else go through.

33) Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why?

While I don’t see either Robbie or Jacob necessarily willing to harm anyone, let alone kill someone, I think they definitely have the potential.

The people they love come above all else, and while Robbie is more of a healer, that doesn’t make him incapable of doing some damage.

Jacob is probably a little more inclined to do some harm (cough, RAKEPICK, cough) when he gets out of the painting, but I don’t think he’d be good at dealing with that in the aftermath? While his brother could convince himself it was for the best, I don’t think Jacob himself would be able to reconcile it at all. Anger has its place, but death is something irreversible.

45) If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (like something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even like pineapple pizza?

I... have nothing serious to contribute. This question made me lose it, and I have no idea why, so here’s animagus Robbie screaming at a slice of pizza, you go bro!!

I guess this means no Flores likes pineapple? Huh...

#hphm #hogwarts mystery #hphm jacobs sibling #hphm mc #hphm jacob #robert flores #jacob flores #hphm rowan #rowan khanna #kettle #griffin #hsjdkfkfkk this took a while to do but i love it #im gonna start on the others now kdjfjfk i apologise if they are also like This #i....had thoughts for the tags but i forget #so maybe ill update them later idk #OH YEAH #short haired jacobs are right after he gets out of the vault #and then when the entirety of the hphm storyline is done and he cuts it again #the pic with kettle and griffin is afterwards ig?#eye... am creating my own plot for years 5 to 7 because i dont even really know what happens with the painting #but i have tried twice to make a comic about robbie meeting jacobs friends #but it ends up long and theres like no context its just like oh boom btw kettle is a werewolf now have fun #he fucking hated jacob for a bit after duncan dies but uhhh yea various other random plot nuggets #vibe arts #kettle thorne

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colitisandme · 5 years

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It’s no coincidence that ‘stressed’ is ‘desserts’ spelt backwards. That’s what I typically dived towards when I was stressed or sad. Desserts equaled gluttonous happiness. Whenever I was anxious, I ripped into packets, tubs and cake shaped items with joy and frenzy. Desserts and stress were my bed fellows. They were brilliant friends, hogging all the blankets under the duvet of my life, leaving me cold, plump, hyperactive, covered in sugar and shivering, with no cover on me, cursing the fact I didn’t wear fluffy socks to bed. my mind would whirl away like a washing machine. And so, cold and shivering with my hair on end, looking like a deranged Womble, I would end up seeking something sweet to eat. Instantly after the first mouthful, my hair would become less wild, my thoughts would be less chaotic and I would sink into a pile of sugary blissfulness. So when I had to give up sugar, I was, well stressed irronically.

Stress and worry have followed me around my whole life, from when I was in Primary school right up until present day. It has become such a huge part of my existence, I didn’t feel right unless I was worrying about something or constantly going over things in my brain. Not just tangible thoughts. Nope. My worries consisted about serious things that are going on in the world, my finances, my families happiness, the house, husband wellbeing, friends, have I upset anyone? Am I being a good wife? To other thoughts and worries like; Have I locked the door? Have I turned off the tap? To really helpful thoughts and worries like; ‘I am pretty sure I heard a crunch under my foot when I put out the rubbish? ... Why didn’t I turn the light on? Oh my god was that a snail? What if his family are waiting for him to come home. What if, because he never appears, the mum snail becomes an alcoholic, becomes hooked on nettle wine, and the children forgo their education to look after her. Eventually they leave because she’s just too much to handle, and so, alone and drunk, she sings songs about her lost love, while hiccuping and wailing in a nettle wine stupor ... And it will be all my fault.’ So round and round my thoughts and worries went, until I felt like a hamster on a wheel, running and running and going nowhere. I didn’t vocalise these worries. They were all internal. I just couldn’t switch off.

I beat myself up for anything that goes wrong. Nobody need punish me, I do a great job of that myself. Once when I was very young, I decided that the cat simply had too many whiskers that she didn’t need. Even at aged 5, I reasoned I was doing her a favour and she was probably absolutely fed up with having an even number of whiskers on each side. I was sure that if she could speak she would beg me to reduce her grooming time, as she was taking simply ages to preen her whiskers, tell me stories about when she would get laughed at by all the other cats for having rediculous symmetrically numbered and placed whiskers, and longed to remove herself from mediocrity and boredom. Well I certainly didn’t want her to be a laughing stock. Happy to oblige.... *snip* (I probably should have stopped when the cat tried to scrabble away from me, eyes wide with fright as I confidently strode over to her, gleefully, with arms outstretched looking like Edward Scissor Hands, but never the less I was convinced I was doing her a favour.)

I came downstairs clutching a traumatised, angry cat in one hand, and a pair of scissors and newly trimmed whiskers in another. I proudly showed off the new look to my parents. They were not as open to the new aerodynamic moggy as I had hoped, and freaked. I immediately lost it. I sobbed. I apologised over and over to the cat, I tried glueing her whiskers back on, I stroked her, cuddled her, I was convinced I had ruined her life. I was inconsolable. I spent many days after that setting up a makeshift counselling clinic for my cat, where I would stroke her and make sure she knew what a beautiful cat she was and I told her I was sorry that was going to be lob-sided, and struggle getting in to tiny gaps, and try and make up for what I did by taking extra special care of her. My parents didn’t chastise me, because nothing they could do could make me feel any worse than I did. Even at age 5, I worried a lot.

So you can imagine that as adulthood embraced me, just how easily worrying had become a part of me. As natural as breathing. Stressing about everything became normal. Overthinking was critical to my daily life. I lived each day on high alert, in case I needed to jump into action and fix whatever needed fixing, just like I tried to do with the cats whiskers. I am at my best in a crisis, and god knows I have had many to deal with in my life. I love being Superwoman. I love saving the day. But being in this hyper-alert state was not fun and certainly not healthy.

I became ill after a BIG burnout. I had been playing Superwoman for too long. I had been living on the edge for months, I was always stressed, I wasn’t sleeping, I was in pain, I was withdrawing, I was experiencing horrendous brain fog which was really sodding useful as I had just started an incredibly stressful job, where I would drill myself to be perfect and chastise myself for processing information incorrectly. On top of this I was dealing with a managerie of outside issues. Very quickly and surprisingly, (to me as everyone closest to me would describe me as the strongest person they knew,) my health and mental health imploded like a double whammy firework. I did not know it was coming, but oh my god when it did, I was floored. I had never been so ill. I was scared. I knew that I could not continue doing what I was doing. I needed to change my behaviours. I needed to spring clean my brain. I couldn’t turn to sweet treats anymore to relieve that anxiety because cake or sugar would make my bum explode. I needed to find another less ‘caboom, fire in the hole type way’ to manage my anxieties and stress.

IBD forces me to think purely in the present because I have to spend a huge amount of energy simply functioning. I have to stay in the moment. If I worry or think further past a day/ week it becomes impossible, as I am never sure what one day will look like from the other. Stress hugely exacerbates my IBD symptoms. I learnt this very quickly. The more I worried about why the hell my body was being so unco-operative, the worse my body felt and the more angry it got. And with IBD there is a lot to stress over. Finances, health, stigma of having an invisible illness, work, isolation, diet, questions over future plans etc. It’s a big thing to deal with. It’s enormous. So I worried and got worse and worried and got worse. And so eventually, feeling like I had been kicked by a horse, totally hungry, weak, prone to explode, sugar deprived and looking like a bum with eyes, with my wonderful Mum’s encouragement and support, I came across meditation and mindfulness.

Meditation and mindfulness have helped me manage my stress. After phone calls chasing mental health appointments, referrals and cursing the incompetence of Drs, mental health professionals and admin teams, I turn to mindfulness and meditation as a way of calming my mind. It has taught me to accept things, the way they are during the moment because that may change in the next moment, And be in the moment with it. For example, the pain I get with IBD can feel like your belly is being sawn in half. It feels like a group of can can dancers, jig about on my groin, back and stomach wearing high heels, and using exquisite timing and excellent rhythm, stomp on my intestines, causing me to chew my fist in distress. If I use mindfulness and meditation during painful episodes like this (sometimes whilst crossing my eyes, grinding my teeth and chewing the carpet) it helps me not to fight the pain, but to breathe through it and accept it in the present. When I am anxious, Meditation takes my mind away to another focus in a gentle way, and if my mind wonders off like a hyperactive butterfly, it gently brings it back again. It’s not easy. Sometimes it definitely does not work, but sometimes it does. I have learnt to focus on my breathing, I have trained my brain to change each thought. From a time where the thoughts on a day to day basis felt like they were running around my brain on fire, screaming fire engine noises, wearing a bucket on their head, careering into other thoughts who fanned the flames with a manual citing ‘50 ways to put out a fire’ and can’t work the hose, to a calmer place. One where my thoughts can pick flowers, float in a babbling brook, frolic with fluffy animals and where the fire extinguisher is readily available. Because IBD has forced me to strip everything back in my life, there is no room for extreme stress. No room for high anxiety, because it just hurts me. Physically and mentally. Where as before, I would keep my worries to myself because I didn’t like bothering people with them, now I talk about them, accept the things I cannot change, appreciate things in the moment and change the things I can change. So strangely in that way, IBD has probably saved my life. It’s very strange how things work. I am the most ill I have ever been and should be the most stressed I have ever been, but I can’t be, because that would make me even more ill. Don’t get me wrong it’s still a battle. But I try. I try to appreciate every moment. I appreciate every mouthful of food, and take ages eating it, where as before I would thoughtlessly shovel it in.

I start each day with a mantra and meditation, and even though sometimes Its not effective, I can honestly say that practicing Mindfullness and meditation, are the best stress relievers and stress deterrence I have ever had. They are also the best dessert substitute I have ever had, because meditation doesn’t make my jeans bulge, make me act like an over excited toddler at a birthday party or attract an enthusiastic colony of ants who desire to lick my sugary face. So if like me you are a natural worrier, I urge you to not get so stressed out, you end up gnawing on yourself like an Octopus and try it. Doing a little a day may just take the edge off and sometimes just doing that will help deal with things a little more positively. And when we are living with a long term chronic disease like IBD, being positive, even in the face of a huge challenge like this, is everything.

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the-bounce-back · 4 years

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26 LIFE LESSONS LEARNT IN 26 YEARS

So… ya girl turned 26 back in May. I had originally planned to post this the day after my birthday for maximum dramatics and symbolism, but here we are.

Yes, I am painfully aware that my birthday was over 4 months ago now, and yes, I have already been dragged to the moon and back by both myself and my friends for not finishing the post on time (it’s been chilling in my drafts since, like, late April)… so face your front and mind your business.

All jokes aside, these past months have been insanely chaotic for us all on both a personal level and global scale. Everyone and everything seems to have gone mad. A whole pandemic… having to literally fight for equal rights and justice in 2020... having to watch world leaders single-handedly destroy the countries that they themselves campaigned to govern... and on top of that, being forced to stay indoors and not being able to do whatever you want?! Sh*t, I’m even surprised that myself or anyone I know hasn’t been sectioned yet. This whole year needs to be put in rice, immediately.

I can’t lie, watching everything unfold these past few months - while struggling to come up with ways to entertain myself because of the constant negative news and energy drifting round and stifling my creativity - has had a massive toll on my mental health. Although my coping skills have become a lot better over the years, how in the hell was I (or any of us) meant to prepare for a year of constant chaos, death and revolt? No one could’ve seen it coming, and that’s why these circumstances have made me feel like my mental health has been dropkicked in the throat. We’re not built to be cooped up at home for so long, and we’re definitely not built to have to consume heartbreaking and traumatising media on a daily basis. No wonder so many people have been feeling like they’ve lost the plot.

On top of that, I’ve also been dealing with a lot of other things - because when it rains, it pours. Not being able to distract myself by doing fun stuff because of Corona has somehow given my subconscious the confidence to go absolutely apesh*t. This, in the sense that a lot of past situations I’ve forced myself to suppress over the years to be able to just function like a normal(ish) human being have managed to claw their way to the surface and demand my attention like a bunch of spoilt and crying toddlers. To put it in the least dramatic way possible, these feelings and memories have been killing my ~*vibe*~... like, a lot. Ya girl’s been going through it. It’s been particularly hard because I promised myself at the beginning of the year to work harder on not obsessing so much over past situations that I have no control over, but due to the circumstances I’ve forced myself to give myself a break and take each thought as it comes.

Yes, this is all very depressing - but despite everything, there have also been a lot of silver linings of this lockdown. Besides day drinking, chick flick marathons and chatting sh*t on facetime 24/7, having all this time to focus on my mental and spiritual health has definitely taught me a lot about myself. I genuinely feel positive and like this time of my life is needed to be able to grow and evolve when I’m not in that negative state of mind. These experiences coming back to the surface and demanding to be felt and dealt with may be hella exhausting, but I’ve definitely done this enough now to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that one day I’ll be able to fully make sense of it and fully heal. And when I finally have gotten to that stage, I will definitely write a few posts about it - because no one should feel like they have to deal with this level of headf*ckery alone.

Anyways, there you have it - another long-ass excuse for my lack of productivity. But hey, at least it’s valid.

Enough with all the dark sh*t - we have more than enough time to revisit that and other fun stuff in another post, don’t worry! Instead, let’s pretend that it’s still the day after my birthday, that I am editing this with a hangover while stuffing my face with leftover cake, that I am indeed capable of keeping personal deadlines and that I haven’t been AWOL for over a quarter of a year. Keep on reading for 26 big and small life lessons I’ve learnt along the way in this dunya, in no particular order. It’s going to be a very long one (tip: scroll and find the ones that resonate the most with you), so get cozy, put the kettle on and get some snacks or whatever.

1. You are still young - do not compare your journey to other’s.

Okay, so I’m definitely projecting with this one. When I turned 25 last year I had a bit (a lot) of a minor (major) existential crisis because I was very far from where I had always expected to be at 25 years old. Career-wise, fitness-wise, finance-wise and relationship-wise I just felt like a massive failure, and like from that moment on life would just go downhill. I made the mistake of comparing myself to my agemates and people younger than me, and seeing other people’s success when my own life was a mess didn’t exactly make it better.

For this year - despite me now being on the wRoNg side of 25 - I feel very calm and even happy about getting older, simply because I realised that my time will come and that everyone's journey is different. For this reason, comparing your progress to other’s doesn’t even make sense and just puts a load of unnecessary pressure on yourself. Be patient - all the work you’re putting in now will pay off soon.

2. Take time to reconnect with your ~*inner child*~.

I know, I know - it all sounds awfully hippy-dippy, but hear me out. In short, your inner child refers to the subpersonality that still feels, thinks and reacts as you did when you were younger, and reconnecting with that childlike aspect of yourself can be beneficial to your mental wellbeing and psyche for many different reasons.

The main reasons I have focused on reconnecting with my inner child in the past couple of years have been for a) learning how to tap into that creative, free and spontaneous nature I had as a kid before life got in the way; b) to heal wounds that occurred in my childhood that are still holding me back, and c) to reparent my inner child by unlearning toxic mindsets and behaviours that have had a negative impact on my life.

In terms of creativity, I remembered how much I used to love drawing and writing as a child, and returning to these passions as an adult has had such a massively positive impact on my mental health in ways that I can’t even begin to describe. Doing activities you used to love as a kid should really be considered acts of self-care, because the childlike joy and excitement that comes from it? Absolutely bladdy priceless.

Then there’s the dark and mildly traumatising side of reconnecting with your inner child. Revisiting and analysing what can be very emotionally painful memories is never going to be a delightful task - but trust me when I say that you have to push through it, regardless of how long it takes. There aren’t any shortcuts or detours involved when trying to heal a wounded inner child, so make sure that you are patient with yourself and take the time you need to heal.

All in all - regardless of if you’re trying to get your creativity flowing, trying to enjoy life more in general or trying to unpack almost a couple decades worth of trauma (my personal favourite!), setting aside some time to really reflect and remember your thoughts and feelings from way back then really does help make sense of your thoughts and feelings as an adult. I’ll even bet money that every single insecurity and doubt you may have about yourself can be traced back to something that happened during your childhood - which is why reconnecting with yourself at that age is imperative if you want to truly heal.

3. Be confident about your creative projects.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in life so far is definitely understanding the fine line between confidence and arrogance. I can only really speak for myself - although I know that a lot of women can relate - but I was raised to be humble about a lot of my accomplishments. It got to the point where even the slightest self-acknowledgement of my talents made me feel like I was being arrogant, attention seeking and braggy, so for a long time I kept a lot of W’s and my pride in my work to myself. However, this is one of the aforementioned toxic mindsets that I’m currently working on unlearning - because if I don’t hype up myself and my talents, who will?

After speaking to friends about similar topics I get the impression that this reluctance to hype up our own creativity goes - in many cases - way back to a time during which we might not have had our creativity appreciated and validated as children. For me, this makes a lot of sense because I was extremely creative and had a very vivid imagination as a child, but I think somewhere along the way it got stifled by the pressure of making certain family members (who thought anything remotely right-brain stimulating was a waste of time) proud.

Anyways, it doesn’t matter anymore. Now that I’ve realised that my creative vision is a blessing, and that being confident in the quality of my work has nothing to do with being arrogant, you best believe that I will self-validate every single project I complete, and I hope you will do the same.

4. Love and take care of your body.

I mean this from both a body-image and health point of view. I spent way too many years of my life hating my body and hating looking different to literally everyone around me, and I’d be lying if I said that realising how damaging this self-hatred was doesn’t get me in my feelings from time to time. However, I have been able to get out of this mindset - for the most part - and can now appreciate that my body is beautiful, and that the perfect body I was always striving towards doesn’t even exist.

With that being said, it is important to remember that loving your body goes beyond self-acceptance... It also entails taking care of it through exercise and healthy eating.

I know, it sucks. I don’t make the rules.

I’ve definitely been struggling with being healthy during my 20s - partially due to my sweet tooth and partially due to comfort eating and other unhealthy coping methods when my mental health was at its worst. As expected, my initial reaction to the weight gain was piling even more self-hate and pressure onto myself, when I really should have been kinder and more understanding to myself during that time. I should have used exercise and healthy eating as a coping mechanism to get better, instead of forcing myself to lose weight in a harmful manner due to feelings of disgust for my body.

CoUlD’Ve, WoUlD’Ve, ShOuLd’Ve… Sigh. Hindsight really is 20/20. What’s important is that it’s never too late to start the self-love journey, and that your body is beautiful regardless of the form it currently happens to be in.

5. Know how to communicate effectively.

That is, with people who are genuinely worth your time and energy. No matter how good of a person you are, there will always be people that seem to be entirely committed to misunderstanding you, twisting your words and trying to make you out to be a bad person. Hell, you might even be that person in someone else’s life... whether you realise it or not (I reckon I probably am). Trying to communicate with someone that has no desire or intention of getting to a level of understanding with you is literally the most frustrating and draining task ever - which is why I no longer do it if I don’t have to. There’s literally no point, and I’m just exerting energy over someone that is probably enjoying the conflict - so why bother?

With that being said, learning how to respectfully disagree, give constructive criticism, set boundaries, resolve conflict, listen to and g-check the people that you do genuinely want in your life becomes more and more important with age. I’m definitely guilty of leaving things unsaid or unresolved in the past - due to fear of offending/losing friends that meant a lot to me at the time - but we’re aDuLtS now, guys. If we can’t talk without constantly having to sugarcoat things, are we even really friends?

The answer is definitely a resounding ‘no’ from me, and since adopting this mindset - along with knowing when to distance myself from people that are literal energy vampires - my life has been a lot more peaceful. 11/10, would recommend.

6. Eliminate fear of failure.

Obviously, no one wants to fail at anything. But I’ve genuinely found that my biggest L’s in life have been the most character building and taught me the biggest life lessons. Although it might be hard to see how the situation is making you evolve when you’re neck deep in the sh*t, once you get into the mindset that failing is a learning opportunity, you’ll see that your ego won’t be as wounded when things don’t work out the way you wanted them to.

Again, I can only speak for myself, but I feel like many of us with immense fears of failing at something were probably raised in environments in which failure was not an option and often followed by some kind of negative reaction (e.g. undermining of intelligence, disappointment, verbal abuse etc). I think that constantly associating failure with this kind of shame has made us terrified of making perfectly human mistakes. Mistakes that we wouldn’t pay any mind to if someone else were making, but that we beat ourselves up over - just because it’s us.

Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t know, man. Regardless, teaching myself that failure and making mistakes is okay and part of the process has made me feel a lot more secure in myself and my capabilities - simply because I now know that there aren’t any mistakes that are unfixable and it’s never that deep. At the end of the day, as long as I know in my soul that I’ve done my best, there’s really no need for negative self-talk.

7. Pick your battles.

I.e. don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s so wild to me that a couple short years ago I would let every minor inconvenience, disagreement and disappointment caused by others really get to me and ruin my day. Nowadays I have gotten so good at simply removing myself from situations and people that just bring negativity into my life, because honestly? The stress isn’t worth it. Life is so much more peaceful when you refuse to give energy to negativity and toxic/inconsistent people, and once I got past the feelings of guilt for not being so available to everyone it really became one of the best choices I ever made.

8. Be kind.

This one is a cliche and a no-brainer, but still very imperative. Remembering that literally everyone has their own sh*t going on - regardless of if they speak on it or not - is extremely important, especially in terms of us interacting with each other. Being kind, sensitive and respectful to others literally costs nothing, and positive energy has a tendency to be contagious.

Obviously (for me at least), this becomes a slightly different story when the person involved constantly allows whatever they are going through to affect the way they interact with you. Things like lashing out, self-isolation and self-destructive behaviours are all tell-tale signs that the issue isn’t with you and that you shouldn’t take it personally, but of course everyone has limits to how much they can empathise with these kind of behaviours. As someone that has been on both the receiving and giving end of this kind of behaviour, I’ve found that the best approach for me is to still be kind, but to love and support them from afar - simply because I know that I have a tendency to take things to heart when I’m not even the issue. The bottom line is to try your best to be kind and understanding, but also to know when to distance yourself from toxic behaviours that can end up taking a toll on you.

9. Process your feelings.

I definitely get it. Sometimes life throws sh*t at us that is a lot easier to just push to the back of our minds so we can stay focused on what we have going on at the time. But believe me when I say that whatever feelings you squash, ignore and push past now will come back to haunt you in the future.

Okay, so this sounds very dramatic and ominous. Your feelings aren’t going to take physical form and beat you up… however, it might feel like this is what is happening. Obviously this differs from person to person, but I’ve found that when I don’t allow myself time to process my feelings as soon as possible after they’ve been triggered, there is a risk of me being re-triggered and snapping again at a later stage - albeit at something wildly unrelated and minor. In other words, small small issues that pile up on top of negative feelings end up becoming the straw that breaks the camel’s back, the drop that spilled the glass, and whatever other corny and related sayings you can think of.

What I’m trying to say is that carrying around the weight of unresolved negative feelings takes a toll on you, no matter how resilient and ~*zen*~ you are. I have no doubt in my mind that carrying past negative feelings, trauma and pain for days, weeks, months and even years has detrimental effects on both your mental and physical health. There is a lot of research to explain this further, and I have also seen these effects on family members, friends and myself when times have been tougher than usual.

With that being said, it might sound like you’re screwed if you’ve gotten to this age and not learnt how to fully feel your feelings. I’ve been feeling that way for about five years now, I reckon. However, it’s never too late to strive for good mental health and to deal with unresolved feelings/trauma - once you get past the fear of being triggered by the bad memories, you soon realise that that’s all they are; they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them.

10. Be ‘selfish’.

So, we’re at that age now where - traditionally speaking - we’re sUpPoSeD to be looking to settle down. Get married, have kids, get a mortgage, be on a set career path… all of that adult stuff that always used to seem so far away, but is now heavily breathing down our necks and killing our vibes. It’s upsetting me and my homegirls, to be honest.

All jokes aside, there is nothing wrong with wanting these things for yourself at this age. However, my point is that millennials/Gen Z (especially women) are put under insane amounts of pressure in their twenties to have all their sh*t together - either by family or just society in general. Meanwhile, many of us are so riddled with anxiety, insecurities, unresolved trauma and lacking a sense of self due to constantly trying to please others and to not be a disappointment to the older generation that we don’t even know which way is up anymore. This is where selfishness comes in.

No, being selfish doesn’t mean to be an inconsiderate d*ck to everyone around you in this context - sorry to disappoint. I mean that it’s important that we take the time to slow down, not be so hard on ourselves and to focus on finding our own path, purpose, dream career etc on our own terms - not to please someone else. Now is the time to unpack your traumas, ~*find yourself*~, and unlearn any destructive mindsets and behaviours you’ve picked up during your childhood and teenage years. Now is the time to learn how to love and accept yourself fully. The way I see it, if you don’t make time for this, a happy, lifelong marriage and strong, healthy relationships with children you bring into the world (if that’s what you want) are a myth - simply because healthy relationships require inner peace. Even if you don’t see yourself going down the ‘traditional life plan’ route, this is still extremely important.

Times are changing; there is nothing wrong with doing certain things later in life if you’re not emotionally, mentally, physically or financially ready to deal with it… no matter what your parents/judgemental aunties/condescending uncles might try to tell you.

11. Take people at face value - not for their potential.

If I got a pound for every single time I’ve told myself this over the years, blatantly ignored it and then ended up getting hurt, I would’ve spent this entire lockdown at an all-inclusive luxury resort on a beach somewhere hot, instead of struggling in a germ-infested London. Honestly. I try not to get mad at myself for this, but it’s very hard not to because it ends up being a cycle that infinitely repeats itself in all my relationships (platonic, non-platonic and family) - leaving me feeling like Boo Boo the Fool for not listening to my intuition.

In my defense, I get myself into these situations because despite coming across as a sarcastic and heartless piece of sh*t sometimes, I genuinely do try to see the best in people and give them a chance to prove themselves as a good and positive influence in my life. This in itself isn’t the problem. The problem is that once I see even a molecule of potential in someone, I very easily latch on to that potential and become Stevie Wonder to the million red flags that pop up over time… and I don’t even realise how disrespected I’ve been until further down the line or long after the situation is over. I reckon that this insistence on riding for people that end up doing me dirty stems from knowing what it feels like to be given up on, or dismissed before even getting to prove myself. It’s a really, really sh*tty feeling, and I think I’m just wired to not want anyone to feel that way because of me.

In other words, my niceness and understanding/accommodating/empathetic qualities might be some of the best things about me - but they really invite sh*tty people to take advantage of me.

The bottom line is that despite wanting to push people to be their best selves, there really isn’t much you can do unless they want your help. Unfortunately, a lot of people would rather fake a desire to improve themselves instead of just saying that they don’t want help - simply because they enjoy the attention and the energy that they end up leaching from you while you’re worrying about them and their (non-existent) ambitions.It’s literally only recently that I’ve kind of figured out how to combat this, and now I see right through these type of people, and can cut them off with ease. Again - it’s all about protecting your energy, and making sure you only give it to people that are genuinely trying to improve and elevate themselves. You are not a charity - stop allowing useless somebodies to deplete your life force just because their own is clearly not enough to keep them motivated.

12. Be self-aware in a healthy and constructive way.

As you’ve probably gathered from reading this, I am insanely self-aware. I honestly don’t think there is a single negative thing someone could say about me or my character that I am not already trying to work on, or at the very least am aware of. Of course, being so in tune with myself for most of my life used to make me overanalyse everything I said and did - sometimes years after it happened - and I’d be so harsh, mean and critical towards myself for things that weren’t even that deep when I look back on them.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t think there’s a ‘cure’ for overanalysing and overthinking everything. Once you’re aware, it’s very hard to just stop - believe me, I’ve tried. But what I’ve tried my best to do instead is to flip my overthinking into something positive. By this, I mean that when I’m up at 4am and start to deep my whole life and everything I should’ve done differently, I try to focus on what I’ve learnt and how much I’ve grown from the situation, and how much of a better person going through that situation has made me. This is definitely something I’m still working on, since negative thought patterns that have been imposed on you from a young age are very hard to break. But what’s important is that I try, and it has definitely helped me be kinder to myself.

13. Don’t let feelings distract you from your goals.

More projection for ya headtops. Tantalising humans really just pop up out of nowhere when you least expect it sometimes, and when the connection is there it can become dangerously easy to get carried away and lose focus on your own goals. I’ve been very vocal about my opinion about how healthy relationships are meant to elevate and inspire you as opposed to stressing you out and holding you back, so this isn’t exactly anything new to those who have read my blog for a while.

With that being said… I get it. Meeting someone new is hella exciting - of course you want to make an effort and see how things go. It’s easy for me to come on here and say that you should make sure that you don’t go catching feelings for someone that wouldn’t want you to continue shining and flourishing in your lane while with them, but we all know that a) we can’t help who we fall for, and b) me saying so would make me the hypocrite of the millennium. I’m not sure how or why I manage to attract (and get attracted to) people that I later on down the line realise do more harm to my goals than good… but at least I’ve learnt a lot from those situations, and I’m a lot more picky about who I deem deserving of my time now.

14. Always make time for #self-care.

There’s not much to explain here besides reminding you that the world and everyone in it is mad, so taking time to yourself and doing something you know will make you feel better during a hard time (or even a simple time, let’s be real) is crucial in this life.

Get the takeaway. Buy the shoes. Do a cheeky face mask. Have your 3rd bubble bath of the week.

Life really is too short and too crazy to deny yourself the little pleasures, so do it and do it without any feelings of guilt. If you’re anything like me, I’m confident you’ll think of a reason for why you deserve it - no matter how ridiculous it may be.

15. Get comfortable with being alone with your thoughts.

Okay, so I feel like I’ve discussed this topic to death, so I won’t delve too deep into it here. Instead, I’ll just reiterate that learning how to just sit alone with your thoughts and feelings from time to time - especially at this age - is imperative for your mental health.

As important as it is to have genuine and supportive friends that you can open up to about your mental, it’s important to remember that there are always abstract thoughts and feelings lurking beneath the surface, that you couldn’t even put into words even if you tried. Regardless of if it’s unresolved feelings, suppressed traumas or an uneasy gut feeling/your intuition, some things just can’t be explained until you’ve been able to figure out where these thoughts are stemming from - and I firmly believe that this “detective work” needs to be done alone to be able to get to the root cause of the thought/feeling.

It goes without saying that delving deep into yourself to try to figure out what these thoughts/feelings mean can be a very intimidating and triggering task - so I fully understand why a lot of people struggle with facing this alone. To clarify, I am not saying that you shouldn’t turn to friends for support if you need it - I am saying that as great as your friends may be, they can’t read your mind and will never be able to do so. Only you can know for sure exactly what you’re thinking and feeling, and taking time alone to allow yourself to become in tune with your mind and understand yourself on a deeper level is the first step towards being able to put your feelings into words - and to be able to communicate them to others.

16. Don’t let fear of judgement stop you from doing whatever the hell you want.

This has been a major one for me the past couple of years. As I’m sure you know, regardless of what you do, say, wear or look, there will always be people - sometimes even complete strangers - who will have something snide to say in an attempt to discourage you from trying to do your thing. I’ve mentioned in previous posts how many hairstyle, outfit, blog and creative ideas that I’ve scrapped because of fear of being judged, and I try not to get annoyed with myself for caring so much - because it’s not my fault. I’m sure many of you will relate to being raised in an environment in which you were almost forced to conform to whatever was seen as a rEsPeCtAbLe lifestyle. If you didn’t, you’d be deemed a disruption to the status quo by others… which we were conditioned to believe was a terrible crime. Shock horror.

I’m here to tell you to not give a f*ck about their opinion - because who in the blue hell are they?

After being very concerned about what others think of me for most of my life, finally realising that judgement from others usually stems from their own insecurities, bitterness, jealousy or an otherwise tragic and unfulfilled existence came as a massive breath of fresh air. I even feel sorry for people that feel the need to insert their sh*tty little opinions into things I do, because I don’t even think they realise that it’s falling on deaf ears and blind eyes now. I’ve literally become Helen Keller to the nonsense now, because I don’t have time. And they’re wasting their energy. Poor things. I hope they get some rest soon.

With that being said, it does take time to get to a point of not being phased by judgement. A lot of time - for me, I’d say it’s been a couple of years. I still have a long way to go in regards to not being phased by judgement coming from people whose opinions I still care about too much (i.e. family members and other people I look up to), but the key for me was definitely baby steps.

17. Learn how to forgive.

As appealing as holding on to everlasting hatred towards someone that did you dirty sounds, trust me when I say that the best thing you can do for yourself in this kind of situation is to forgive them - or at the very least try. Carrying anger, hate and resentment in your heart is extremely emotionally draining, and let’s face it… the person in question is most likely sleeping soundly at night, at peace, snoring, drooling and having happy dreams about living rent-free in your head after all this time.

The thing about forgiveness, I’ve learnt, is that it doesn’t have to mean that suddenly everything is okay again, or that what they did somehow became erased overnight. Absolutely not. Instead, forgiveness has become a tool to give myself closure over a situation, letting myself accept that what happened happened and to reclaim my sanity after being angry about it for a long time. It’s for me and my mental health - not for the person that hurt me.

Additionally, it is important to remember that forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you are now obliged to continue being nice and cordial with the person. If you’re on that level of maturity, honestly… you deserve all the accolades, because I don’t think I could ever do it. For me, most of the time the person in question won’t even know that they’ve been forgiven - and I like it that way. I just wish them the best from afar and keep it pushing once I’ve healed from the situation. Regardless of the choices you make in relation to your own situations, just make sure that you’re doing it for yourself and not out of consideration for the other person.

18. Understand that your ~*purpose(s)*~ may take time to become clear.

Bare in mind, this is coming from someone that still has no idea what the f*ck she wants to do with her life. Honestly, every year around my birthday I try to figure out why I’m even on this planet - and every year I think I have the answer before life comes and humbles me again.

While I’m not particularly interested in getting into existential questions regarding if life even has a purpose, I will say this - just keep doing your thing. Stay in tune with your emotional, spiritual and mental health so you can determine whether or not you feel you’re on the correct path for you. If you’re anything like me, you will feel in your heart when you’re not where you’re meant to be, regardless of if it’s a job, a new activity you’re trying out or even a relationship. If your gut feeling is telling you that something isn’t for you - don’t ignore it. Eventually you should get a fair gist of where you should be going and what you should be doing - even if the actual purpose in itself doesn’t become apparent until much later.

Or at least, this is what my theory is. As I said, I have no clue. But this is what I’m doing and it’s definitely been working.

19. Don’t feel forced to have a detailed life plan.

Don’t get me wrong here - having goals, plans and aspirations is extremely important. However, having your whole life planned to the minute just isn’t realistic. I have written about how I used to be extremely adamant on being in control of every single situation, and would have a minor (major) breakdown whenever plans changed in a way that I couldn’t affect.

Having a nervy b everytime something doesn’t work out in your favour is obviously a very counterproductive (and hella childish) coping mechanism - if you can even call it that. Nowadays, I just try to stay as open minded and flexible as possible whenever life feels like throwing me one of its cute little curveballs, so I can try my best to adapt to the situation and keep moving forward, as opposed to throwing all my toys out of the pram like a spoilt brat whenever a minor obstacle to my plans presents itself.

What’s more is that having a rigid life plan with hard deadlines for when you should’ve accomplished certain things leads to - in my experience - another unnecessary reason to start criticising yourself, which we at this point know is a waste of time, energy and just bad vibes in general.

Just relax. Honestly. You’re doing great, regardless of if you’re exactly where you want to be or not.

20. Put yourself first. Always.

I’ve touched on this multiple times in this post already, but I definitely feel like it deserves its own point. I also want to direct this specifically to women - although some of the gems of wisdom I’m about to drop can be applied to men too, I assume. I don’t really care if they don’t though, to be honest - everything else in this world is already for them, so I’m sure reading something that isn’t won’t kill them.

Sis. I know you are exhausted from being strong all the time - yet here you are, still standing and still fighting. For what it’s worth, know that whoever and wherever you are - I am extremely proud of you for constantly picking yourself up and dusting yourself off every time you are mistreated, disrespected and/or taken for granted.

But it shouldn’t be like that.

You may have been taught early in life to always put your own health, happiness, dreams and wellbeing to the side when needed to accommodate and support others - because that’s what women are mEaNt To Do. But this is so inherently f*cked up, wrong and unfair - it genuinely pisses me off whenever I think about it because it literally makes zero sense to me. It reinforces the notion that we only exist to serve, protect, help and satisfy others needs - whether it be in a family setting, at work or in relationships… almost as if we aren’t human beings with feelings.

Yeah… f*ck that. Call it tough love, but I really need you to grow a back bone right now. Too many times have I personally felt/heard about us feeling the need to bend over backwards for people that do nothing to help or protect us from the pains that life can bring, so clearly you need to be there for your own damn self. Think about it - that ex/potential/fwb/mcm that you’ve spent so many sleepless nights obsessing, crying and worrying about, and that you tried so hard to keep satisfied to the point of mental, emotional and physical exhaustion - where are they now? Living rent free in your head and almost definitely not thinking about you.

Yes, I am a little heated. Yes, I am projecting. And yes, if I ever catch you placing a mans needs and feelings over your own, you will catch these hands because clearly you haven’t been listening.

All jokes aside and as cheesy as it sounds - you are a queen, and I need you to step into your power right now. I want so much better for you, and you can’t get better until you fix your priorities. Your focus should always be on protecting your heart and mental/spiritual health - regardless of the situation you find yourself in. It is 100% possible to nurture and care for others without giving up your sense of self and power, so please, please, please find a balance that empowers and benefits you, and you alone.

21. Learn how to practice detachment.

I have plans to write a post about this in depth in the near future, so I won’t delve too deep into it here. In short, detachment refers to the practice of severing ties to people, feelings and memories that may have meant a lot to you for a long time and had a major impact on your life, but that you now realise are toxic and are holding you back from moving forward and growing as a person. Essentially, it is all about forgiving, forgetting, letting go and moving on from whatever hurt that may still be lingering long after the situation is over - and never bringing it up again.

Sounds great right?

Wrong. Detachment f*cking sucks - but it is extremely important. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I naturally hate giving up on people and I tend to obsessively reflect on past situations. I try to convince myself that all this reflecting and overthinking is helping me heal - which it has, to a certain degree - but the honest truth is that it takes up a lot of time in the present. It’s emotionally exhausting and time consuming. Detachment, on the other hand, basically forces you to not even acknowledge the past pain and hurt someone has caused you, and placing all your focus on the present and the future… so this is naturally a very hard task for me.

With that being said, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not going to be easy for anybody. Reaching a level of emotional maturity in which you can completely disregard the pain someone that meant a lot to you has caused you really sounded impossible to me at first - especially mixed with the complicated feeling of not wanting to “abandon” the person that hurt you. But I’ve been working on this very hard during the lockdown, and I can confirm that after doing it for a while you begin to realise that the situation's power over you is entirely determined by the importance you attach to it. Once you learn how to remove that importance and your emotions from the equation, you’re one step closer to being able to truly move on.

Anyways. Stay tuned for a post about this because there is a lot to unpack.

22. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

This is another one I struggle with a lot, because who wants to feel like a weak-ass b*tch who can’t manage on her own? Not I, said the cat.

All jokes aside, I think many of us can relate to not wanting to bUrDeN our friends and family with our struggles and problems, simply because we’re now at an age where everyone has their own lives to tend to and figure out. No one wants to feel like they’re being annoying, or feel stupid and paranoid about being judged because they can’t figure their own sh*t out (more projection for ya!).

I’ve really been working hard to get rid of the notion that asking for help has anything to do with intelligence or capability, but it’s very difficult to do so when you’ve been raised in an environment where admitting that you can’t manage to do something alone was often equated with not trying hard enough, or not being smart enough. Asking for help was seen as a weakness and a last resort, and I’d often feel ashamed to admit that I was struggling with something.

The funny thing is that while I apply all these rules about not burdening/disturbing people with my problems to myself, I’d literally drop everything in a nanosecond to help a friend out if I could. I’ve noticed this a lot with my friends, too - we’re reluctant to ask for help, but always there for each other if needed. This if anything proves that the fear of being judged/annoying is all in our heads, and that we should be kind enough to ourselves to allow ourselves to be helped from time to time. Yes, everyone wants to be that superwoman/man that has all their sh*t together - but the reality is that we are all human, and life can be very brutal at times. Surrounding yourself with people that care about you and want to see you win is key - and although allowing yourself to lean on someone else from time to time might take a little (a lot) of pride-swallowing, I promise that you will feel better once you’ve shared the load of your problems.

23. Don’t let past experiences poison current friendships.

This is quite possibly the biggest challenge for me right now, and I’m literally only just beginning to get better at this. I’ve mentioned multiple times that my overly empathetic and accommodating personality has attracted a lot of sh*tty “friends” over the years, and for the longest time I blamed myself and thought there was something wrong with me for constantly allowing people to treat me so poorly. As a result of this, I developed hella trust and abandonment issues.

I genuinely didn’t even realise how much these experiences had f*cked me up until I started taking my mental health seriously, and realised how much I had closed myself off emotionally to protect myself. I also realised that I - very unfairly - projected my trust issues onto people in my life that have done nothing but be kind and caring towards me, simply because I allowed myself to be so blinded by the past and assumed that they would do me the same way. I’m honestly just grateful that my closest friends could see through the front I put up and didn’t give up on me, because whew… they really didn’t need to.

The point I’m trying to make is that while it’s very natural to be afraid of being hurt, betrayed and disappointed again, you can’t live your life thinking that everyone is against you - simply because it isn’t true. Yes, it’s very hard to rebuild your trust and confidence in people again... but going through life being paranoid that everyone is against you is just setting yourself up for loneliness and bitterness, and we don’t want that. Again, what’s worked best for me here is working on detachment from the past, and learning to not feed into the feelings of paranoia that arise from time to time. It will take time, but you definitely owe it to yourself to allow good people into your life properly.

24. Step out of your comfort zone more often and just have fun.

Let me be very clear and say that I’m not encouraging anyone to jump out of an airplane - although that would definitely be a massive step outside of anyone's comfort zone. But what’s life without a little thrill?

Regardless of if it’s as extreme as launching yourself off a cliff and placing all your trust in a flimsy elastic band, or as simple as just trying a new activity or restaurant, life becomes so much richer and more fun when you do something you wouldn’t normally do. It genuinely nourishes and stimulates your right brain - which for me is a much welcomed break from life having to be so f*cking serious all the time.

It also boosts your confidence to try even more new things, and that’s when life starts to get a bit more interesting. Live it up, b*tch!

25. Make happiness your priority.

Right, so I appreciate that not everyone will agree with this - and that’s okay. You’re entitled to your wrong opinion. I’ve been very open about the mental health struggles I’ve had since my teens, and about the various unhealthy coping methods I’ve tried to deal with it. However, I’ve found that the best way of coping is very simple:

Just do what makes you happy.

Honestly, it’s that easy. A lot of people - myself in the past included - feel a lot of pressure to give their life meaning and purpose by using something outside of themselves to define them as a person. When I was younger that thing was sports, and after uni I thought I’d find happiness from pursuing the career I thought that I wanted. However, I realised a couple years ago that attaching the concept of happiness to an external factor will constantly just make you feel like it’s just beyond your reach - and when you finally reach the goal that you swore would make your life happy and fulfilled, you’re just left with an underwhelming feeling of “...is this it? Surely there must be more to life than this?”

For this reason, I wholeheartedly believe that true happiness stems from inner peace, accepting the past and simply just pursuing things in life that sits right with your mental health and spirit. Building happiness from within sets you up to be confident that you will be fine no matter what life throws at you, and will make you truly unf*ckwithable.

With that being said, I fully understand how it can be easy to equate our obsession with reaching career/life/relationship/fitness/etc goals to happiness, but let’s say for argument's sake that you do reach every single of your goals that you think will bring you joy. When the pride and elation of accomplishing these goals wears off, are you genuinely happy? Or do you realise that your inner battles are still there, and that the part of your brain that was so focused on accomplishing this goal now just feels… empty and idle?

Okay, so that got a little depressing - but these are questions that I highly recommend you ask yourself. Chances are that you realise that while having goals and ambitions are important, they’re all air if you’re not genuinely happy on the inside.

If there was a one-size-fits-all path to happiness, I would share it here. But unfortunately, the path to happiness is highly personal - only you can determine what will bring you inner peace and alignment. Personally, I started with reconnecting with my childhood self to remind myself what made me feel happy before life started getting serious, and went from there - maybe that could work for you, too.

26. Understand that everything will fall into place at the time it’s meant to.

I put this one at the end because I feel that it summarises all points very nice-like. It’s extremely easy to get caught up in how you think life is supposed to be like at this age, and even easier to fall into a depressed state when you deep how far away from this ideal you might be. As someone that has had the importance of an established career, rigid life goals and living up to others’ expectations rammed down my throat at a young age, I’ve always had this unsettling feeling that I’m running out of time to accomplish what I need to accomplish in this life - and I’m only 26.

What’s helped me a lot with this unsettling feeling is taking time to ground myself, take a deep breath and reflect on how far I’ve come, as opposed to how far I still have to go. I also force myself to remember that as long as I’m constantly in tune with myself and gently pushing myself to evolve and mature, I’m already winning.

You will find happiness. You will find love. You will reach every single goal that you’ve set for yourself. You will overcome whatever internal battle you’re currently fighting. You will feel like yourself again. You will receive every single blessing you’re waiting for - as long as you’re willing to put in the work and understand what is right for you and your mental/emotional/spiritual health.

It may take longer than you want it to, but it’s important to remember to enjoy the journey and learn from your mistakes. As uncomfortable as it may be to accept that no amount of control and planning can predict life’s twists and turns, allowing yourself to trust that the universe will give you everything you need at the right time is extremely empowering and calming.

Keep doing your thing, and you will reap the rewards in due time.

So, there you have it. If you read the entire post from start to finish, you deserve all the accolades because at the time of posting this, even I haven’t read it all in one go. I hope that you found something that resonated with you and will help you navigate through the f*ckeries in this life easier than before.

Anyways. Happy belated birthday to me, I guess. I can’t wait to never do a post like this again!

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #opinions #Empowerment #selflove

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paulsrace · 5 years

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A Bloomin’ Garden

Some time about a year an half ago, I felt the Lord leading me to learn about gardening. Up till that point, my only effort and experience was a shrivelled up cactus in my bedroom some 17 years ago.

A year and a half ago, I was enjoying newly wedded-ness and living in an apartment building located in the ghetto area. I had the luxury of time and a lot of quiet. I was in a great place to reflect, reconnect, and get in that place of learning again with the Lord. But try as I might, I couldn’t understand what I was reading online. I saw gardening and plant life as a whole different system of thought that I simply could not wrap my brain around. Seasons and cycles frustrated me because I didn’t know how I would manage the multiple things in a garden. When we moved onto our own property a few months later, soils and zones and light revealed that our modestly sized yard was as complex as constellation.

As a result, I preferred to ignore the whole thing for the larger portion of time. And for the smaller portion of time, sit frustrated and cross-eyed through all these information.

Meanwhile, God still seemed to be presenting the idea of gardening as something I would like. EQ, Lord?

Slow-forward to a couple of months ago, understanding and learning suddenly became easy, and I AM enjoying this gardening thing! It all got absolutely logical for me. The things I read are finding their place in the giant jigsaw puzzle that is forming in my mind, whereas back then, gardening information was like a bunch of random, pointless, post-it notes that had lost its tackiness. I am learning about my yard and understanding it independently of the inter-webs. I am even understanding the purpose of weeds!

“I see you, my little plant things! You are a miracle!”

And now - literally now - I just problem-solved the death of my cactus from years ago. My little spiky friend had been sitting in the shadow with not even indirect light to pretend-warm its green skin! I now understand the detriment it had been in, and how oblivious I was! Closure!

This all made me wonder why God told me about gardening back then instead of now. It seems obvious that what He told me then, was for this season. And why this season? I don’t know. But I did suffer feeling disobedient and doubtful. And striving at all just took the mojo out of it.

But here is another thing that seemed to have bloomed effortlessly. I’m going back to work. Yes, in the field that had left me traumatised and angry. And yes, we had spent money on license and registration things so that I can go back into the mental health field of counselling and therapy here in California.

Close to 3 years ago, I had quit my job in Massachusetts to get married and move away to the west. I was grateful for all that timing (another crazy story to tell) because I didn’t know how much longer I would have lasted in that job. It was constantly crisis-mode / high intensity with a mother load of unhelpfulness from superiors and systemic issues. I was angry that I was made as helpless as my young clients, and almost hysterical when the deep emotions finally broke through. I decided then that I would retire to the west and into being someone’s wife. I would withdraw from my graduate education and the world of mental health, and cling to the robes of Jesus for a different spirit-filled career path. Or else work as a barista because I would much rather learn about coffee.

For financial practicality, I had to get back into work. And I reluctantly knew that it was foolish not to take advantage of the pay grade my education offers. And in a swift move of great favor (another great story to tell), I found myself jumping back, necessarily, into academics in order to qualify for California’s requirements. It has been just over six months since I embarked on it, and I have just recently completed it.

During this time of academic studying, I had been constantly resentful of the money we were leaking out from our meagre savings, and the effort I was putting in to something I had said I didn’t want any more to do with. I realised that my resentment had to do with my confidence being interrogated by a sense of incompetence. Not unreasonable since I was rendered useless countless times by multiple factors in that previous job. I was also constantly battling sadness at the way pathologies were so thoroughly expounded upon in the academic literature that I felt the identities of God’s children being violated. And since my mind had trouble understanding what I was learning without giving over to its systems, so I was constantly going under.

Yet inexplicably a few months ago, memories of my old job started to surface. Positive, encouraging, successful memories. Little breakthroughs that went a long way for the young ones and their parents who desperately needed it. Unexpected laughter broke in difficult situations. Hopeful smiles revealing hearts that were surfacing, even for a brief moment. Furrowed brows of worry easing in pleasant surprise. A complete turnaround in symptoms and functioning.... God is being good to me - He was encouraging me for this new season. The memories in earlier times were usually terrorising and pain-filled. But now, God is re-framing my memory and experience of my work.

Suddenly, I am rearing to go. I recognise that I lacked experience and skills still. But suddenly, I know that I am as good as the next person to go on this journey. And as if this monumental change of attitude wasn’t good enough, He endorses my heart’s desire to do something unique in this field, again through wickedly good timing:

The day after I complete my deficient courses, I met with someone whom I had conversed with only once over a year ago. She had asked me about what I did and showed genuine interest in it. I made no pitch as to what I eventually hoped to do with it, nor mentioned my disdain for the mental health system then. When we spoke recently, she clearly understood the value of what I was trained for, and spoke the words that had been in my heart to do. She had no clue how stellar her timing was! While I’m just now in the beginning stages of finally getting to flesh out this little passion of mine, I feel the wind of permission through my fingers, freedom in my lungs, because my heart’s desire was being known and taken care of by the One Who knows and knew all my details.

I’ve had many personal stories of God’s timing like this, so I’m a firm believer. But I don’t want to turn this into theology, mainly because this is more about God being His own Person. He is paying attention, and He moves the pieces for us. He does these in such GOOD TIMING that I feel I have no more intelligence on how things should go by now. I want to always be able to surrender into this joyful mystery, especially when things get difficult. Now, all I can understand enough to articulate, is it’s time when it is time. And when it’s time, the length of thread weaving through my life becomes apparent. He remembers such details of our lives, and He is constantly acting on it on our behalf whilst we sometimes get absolutely lost in disappointment and frustration. My work was in holding back and away from acting out of fear and lack, being still and calm, and only doing as much as He has put in front of us to do. And also especially to not ever think I am clever enough for myself! I’ve found that the waiting is the invitation to partake, and also the place for a relationship of trust. The waiting is where we can see God without the evidence, and never feel guilty for not doing something about everything.

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icechuksblog · 5 years

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My Fellow South Africans,Our nation is in mourning and pain.Over the past few days, our country has been deeply traumatised by acts of extreme violence perpetrated by men against women and children.These acts of violence have made us doubt the very foundation of our democratic society, our commitment to human rights and human dignity, to equality, to peace and to justice.As we have done before in times of great difficulty and strife, this is the time to come together as a nation to confront our problems directly.The nation is mourning the deaths of several women and girls who were murdered by men.We know the names of Uyinene Mrwetyana, Leighandre Jegels, Janika Mallo, Ayakha Jiyane and her three little siblings, but we also grieve for many others who have died at the hands of men.These killings have caused great pain and outrage because acts of such brutality have become all too common in our communities.Violence against women has become more than a national crisis.It is a crime against our common humanity.Today I speak to you as your President, and as a citizen of our country.But I also speak to you as a husband and a father to my daughters. Like millions of men across this country, I am appalled at the war being waged on our sisters, our mothers, our wives, our partners and our daughters. Women have every right to expect that they be free from harassment and violence on the streets, in schools and campuses, on buses, taxis and trains, at places of work and worship, and in their homes.We have heard the calls of the women of our country for action and for justice.The collective anger, the pain and the fear that these killings have caused must strengthen our resolve to end all forms of violence and abuse perpetrated by men against women.We have recorded progress on the implementation of the decisions of the Presidential Summit on Gender-Based Violence last year. Working together, government and civil society formations, have already made much progress towards establishing and resourcing a national machinery to coordinate our campaign against gender-based violence.We are reviewing laws on domestic violence and sexual offences to prioritise the needs and interests of survivors.We have established 92 dedicated Sexual Offences Courts since 2013, with a further 11 to be opened this financial year to improve conviction rates and provide comprehensive and appropriate support services to ensure survivors of sexual offences are not subject to further trauma.I wish to enumerate some of the additional measures we will be taking.We are going to overhaul and modernise the national register of gender-based violence offenders provided for in the Sexual Offences Act to ensure it is effective in combating gender-based violence. This National Register of Offenders will list all the men convicted of acts of violence against women and children.I will ask Parliament to consider amending the legislation to make the register public.I will propose to Cabinet that all crimes against women and children should attract harsher minimum sentences.We agree with the women of our country that the state should oppose bail and parole for perpetrators of rape and murder against women and children.Many women’s organisations have complained that there aren’t enough rehabilitation programmes in our prisons. These programmes will be increased and reconfigured to reduce the number of repeat offenders.All gender-based violence cases that have been closed or that were not properly investigated must be reviewed.We will strengthen the emergency teams at a provincial level – which bring together the police, social development, health, justice and education – to continue providing rapid and comprehensive responses to all forms of violence against women.These emergency response teams will focus in particular on violence directed at women, children and other marginalised groups including the LGBTQIA Plus community and people with disabilities. We will address other systemic challenges such as the backlog of cases, delays in DNA testing and the availability of rape test kits in our police stations.We will use every means at the disposal of the state – from the police service to the justice system, from social development programmes to our school curriculum – to strengthen all parts of our national response to gender-based violence.We will implement a national multi-faceted plan to prevent gender-based violence through school programmes, community initiatives and workplace policies.The Minister of Finance will be asked to allocate additional funding to the national machinery to coordinate our campaign against gender-based violence.The women of our country are calling for emergency measures to end this violence. I will therefore be asking Parliament to discuss and identify urgent interventions that can be implemented without delay. Violence against women is not a women’s problem.It is not a problem of what a woman said or did, what a woman was wearing, or where she was walking. Violence against women is a men’s problem.It is men who rape and kill women.There is therefore an obligation on the men of this country to act to end such behaviour and such crimes.As men, let us speak out. We must not look away.We must face gender-based violence head-on. Let us, as families, make sure that we raise boys to respect women, to respect themselves, to value life and human dignity.We acknowledge the men and boys who have heeded the call to respect women by participating in the Takuwani Riine Men and Boys Campaign. We also acknowledge others who are championing change towards a South Africa that is free of violence by 2030.As South African men, let us take responsibility for our actions. We must treat the women and girls of our country with care and respect.It is only when we do that that we will end violence against women and children.Let us declare that enough is enough.Fellow South Africans,Over the past few days, our country has been deeply traumatised by acts of violence and criminality directed against foreign nationals and our own citizens.As I speak to you, the debris of several days of violence and looting continues to litter many of the streets of our country.People have lost their lives and many have been injured.Families have been traumatised. Livelihoods have been destroyed.We know that at least 10 people have been killed in this violence, two of whom were a foreign nationals.No amount of anger and frustration and grievance can justify such acts of destruction and criminality.There can be no excuse for the attacks on the homes and businesses of foreign nationals, just as there can be no excuse for xenophobia or any other form of intolerance.Equally, there is no justification for the looting and destruction of businesses owned by South Africans.The people from other countries on our continent stood with us in our struggle against apartheid. We worked together to destroy apartheid and overcome the divisions it created, where we feared each other and our differences were exploited. Thanks to the people of Africa, we have now achieved democracy and must use this platform to live together in harmony.We value our relations with other African countries and need to work to strengthen political, social and trade ties if we are to develop our economy and those of our neighbours.Where communities have genuine grievances these must be addressed through engagement and dialogue.But where people act with criminal intent, irrespective of their nationality, we will not hesitate to act to uphold the law and ensure order and stability.We commend our law enforcement and security agencies who have moved swiftly to restore stability in Johannesburg, Ekurhuleni, Tshwane and parts of KwaZulu-Natal. The violence has largely subsided and police have increased reinforcements and visibility in priority areas to ensure the safety of all within South African borders.The criminal justice system is ready to deal with perpetrators of violence, looting and lawlessness. Since Sunday, 423 people have been arrested for violence-related offences in Gauteng and 21 suspects have been arrested in relation to truck violence in KwaZulu-Natal.I am calling upon each one of us to desist from fueling a climate of fear and confusion. We must act responsibly and stop disseminating fake videos, photographs and messages, especially on social media, with an intention of negatively portraying our country and its people.This misinformation is also being disseminated in neighbouring countries and throughout the world, causing panic and putting lives in danger. Let us not be misled. Let us not be provoked by those who want to sow mistrust and fuel conflict.This is a time for calm.It is a time for all of us who live in this country to confront our challenges directly and earnestly, not through violence, but through dialogue.We call on all religious leaders and communities to lead the country in prayer and contemplation this Friday, Saturday and Sunday.In all churches, mosques, synagogues and temples, let us humble ourselves and bring healing to our nation.As a nation, we have endured moments of uncertainty before.As a nation, we have overcome conflict and achieved peace.Now, as a nation, let us once again work together to end the violence that has engulfed our streets, and damaged our economy and confidence in our country.Let us once again, as a nation, work together to end the violence against the women and children of our country.Let us build the South Africa we want, and which all our people so richly deserve.I thank you.

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