#am I super neurodivergent or just never learned to share because I’m an only child? or is it trauma? lmao who knows bUT IT’S MINE DAMMIT

[mimzy-writing-online]

I hope this question isn't too stupid, but you're one of my favorite writing blogs so I'll give it a shot. I want to write a FanFic based on the 1971 version of Willy Wonka. I wanted the story to tell Violet Beauregarde's story, the one that turns into a blueberry. However, I have SOME questions as I'm fairly new to FanFic. 1). Am I better off focusing on each kid's perspective, going back and forth? Or is it good to narrow my focus one one character? 2). Can I give them a character arch, li

(2/3) like Violet's really mean in school but she becomes kind after her experience at the factory. Is that too cliche or predictable? 3). Why does she try waddling away after her blueberry transformation and the Oompa Loompas are singing/dancing around her? They're trying to help her, and I don't really get why she'd do something like that. 4). What are tips to better understand the characters I want to flesh out? I guess it circles back to the last question, understanding their psyche. Yikes

(3/3)  Yikes! Super sorry this ask is long. And I'm even more sorry if my questions were lame or you've covered them before. :P. I can overthink at times, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my writing. I'm such a perfectionist storyteller, it's not even funny. I hope my questions aren't bothering you. You're one of my favorite writing blogs, so I figured I could come to you. I apologize in advance for wasting your time. You DO NOT have to reply at all if you don't want to. :P Thanks, have a great week

First and foremost: this is not a stupid question, you are not wasting my time at all. This is actually a rare treat for my blog because I don’t get many asks that don’t involve blindness, though I usually know better how to answer those than I do other questions. So, here we go:

Are you better off focusing on each kid’s perspective, going back and forth? Or is it better to narrow your focus onto one character?

The general rule of writing is to simplify. If two background characters serve a similar purpose, just combine the characters, for example. Slimming down extra scenes that don’t contribute to plot or character development.

However, that advice is meant for people publishing novels, working within an overflowing industry, dependant on sales and royalties. They have to meet whatever industry standards are, like word count or POV types. They have to find someone willing to take them on as a client because they love that book.

Fanfiction is not bound by such nonsense. Fanfiction is a beautifully lawless land where capitalism cannot influence it. What defines what you do with fanfiction is if you enjoy reading it, and if you have the steam to continue a long project.

Some people easily write 200,000k fics within a matter of weeks or months (or in my case, just once, two years). Some people work best with short fics. Both (and everything in between) are wonderful.

So, how much steam do you have for this project? How long do you think you can carry it and still finish it? Because that defines how big you should plan to make this project. If you don’t think you can write a long fic, then maybe just stick to one character.

A compromise between the two is to focus primarily on one character, and examine the other characters more briefly. This could be done in just a single POV chapter, or a handful. This could be done with the characters connecting and seeing the side character through your main character’s eyes, seeing how they’ve changed.

There’s no wrong answer. This fic is for your enjoyment primarily. No matter what you write, it will appeal to at least a few people, if not crowds. But your fun comes first, both literally and figuratively. Write for you, write to explore the story for yourself.

Can you give them a character arc like Violet’s where she becomes kinder after her experiences in the factory? Is that too cliche or predictable?

I wouldn’t call it predictable, because I’d expect everyone to go into completely different directions because they were all such unique and individual people before they entered the factory, and they were foiled by their own quirks.

Violet was mean and fake, she was demanding. I don’t know how much I want to speculate on the plotline you have going for her, how you’ll develop her to make her want to be more kind.

But I would love to speculate on the others.

Agustus Gloop? 

I feel like his experience in the chocolate river and almost drowning would make it hard to enjoy chocolate ever again. I think it would be a long time before he had any sweets. Also, because of his weight, I imagine there’s got to be some body-image issues hiding under the surface. I’d also put money on him being bullied, and him acting out against the students who bully him and because of his size he is more intimidating, but that doesn’t stop people from saying things behind his back.

I imagine the chocolate thing is a form of self-comfort. Maybe he turns to other foods to over-eat with to cope. Maybe eventually he figures out that this isn’t helping him. Does he try to replace unhealthy foods with healthier ones? (idk, I have a personal turn off on getting into the concept of dieting, so I’m not going to dig in much there).

I’d like to see him learn to love himself, develop some body neutrality, that his body doesn’t define who he is or what his worth is. That he becomes okay with who he is as he grows up. People who are happy and comfortable with themselves are generally nicer and easier going than people who aren’t. Maybe with some self-love, he’ll be kinder to others.

Veruca Salt?

Okay, I have a confession. My brain thought of her when discussing Violet. I haven’t seen either of the films in years.

Well, let’s thank Wikipedia everyone, the greatest gift of the internet.

Veruca does come across as a spoiled brat. Her parents shower her in material objects, which might mean something. I have a close friend who hates people buying things for him or giving him gifts that cost money. This has to do with a parent buying him things out of guilt after episodes of emotional abuse. I asked him a while back what he wanted for his birthday (I meant baked goods, I bake or cook special meals as birthday gifts for my friends. A has asked for chocolate chip cookies for three birthdays in a row now. Several friends ask for cookies for Christmas). Anyway, my friend had a panic attack and couldn’t respond until an hour later.

Maybe there’s something to that.

What does she think about money as she grows up? Does her love language continue to be gifts? I think it might one day be quality time. Maybe it is now. It’s common for rich parents to be absent and barely spend time with their kids because of work and extravagant social lives that sort of money gives them access to, meaning they barely have time in the day to spend with their kids. Maybe gifts are the only way she can make sure her parents still care, the only way she can get their attention? 

Mike Teavee?

Apparently in the movie credits his last name is spelled Teevee. But I’m obsessed with tea (and this is the point where I remember my tea and wonder if I’ve let it go cold because I got too focused. Nope, it’s still there). So it’s Teavee here.

Wikipedia describes him as a young boy who only watches TV, nothing but TV. He’s especially interested in cowboys and Western films. He comes across as a know-it-all. He’s easily annoyed but gets along with others.

Anyone have a guess at where I’m going with this?

Mike is neurodivergent. I mean, that’s my new headcanon. I lean towards ADHD because that’s what I project, but like everything else, his interpretation is in the eye of the beholder. Every viewer sees something different in him.

Some common ADHD (and autism) experiences beyond having a specific interest is how others react to your special interest. You get used to people getting bored when you talk about your interest for the thousandth time, but it’s still important to you, but not to someone whose opinion matters to you. RSD is probably common.

Wikipedia says he’s described as lazy in the books? Common ADHD “symptom,” or rather something that outside viewers label as laziness. Really, he just doesn’t have the motivation to do any of those other things.

And Charlie?

Did anyone think I wouldn’t have any thoughts on Charlie, our hero and protagonist?

Oh no, I have thoughts. Charlie goes to great lengths to set his family up comfortably, he becomes generous with his money. He also knows nothing about running a factory. I’m hoping Willy Wonka gives him some help there. But I bet adult Charlie is a stressed-out workaholic who tries to do everything and thinks he has something to prove, that he’s not just some random lucky child, that he can do this. Charlie totally gets a work-related anxiety disorder.

Those are my thoughts. I still think giving them Violet’s arc isn’t cliche or predictable, but rather completely different from what you think would happen to all those kids.

I mean, maybe a few of them are still little jerks in their adult lives. There’s no one road to grow up on, even if you’re four strangers who shared a similar traumatic experience.

Why does she try waddling away after her blueberry transformation and the Oompa Loompas are singing/dancing around her? They're trying to help her, and I don't really get why she'd do something like that.

They strange looking short men she’s literally never talked to, never seen or heard of before today, who’s already taken away two children by this point, all while singing a song about what terrible children they were.

And she’s scared because her body is doing something strange and scary and awful. She’s scared. She doesn’t know what to do. What will happen if these strange men take her away? She doesn’t know what happened to the other kids.

And they’re not really communicating they want to help, just singing cheerfully about how awful children are.

What are tips to better understand the characters I want to flesh out? I guess it circles back to the last question, understanding their psyche.

A lot of it is just watching real-life people and wondering why they are the way they are. Listening to their reasoning and what they tell you about who they are and where they come from.

I know people who grew up like Agustus with using over-eating as a way to self-comfort, and the bullying they experienced. I know that if a kid was physically bigger than his bullies, maybe he’d fight them to make them stop and leave him alone. People who go through that journey of learning that their body doesn’t define who they are, accepting it because it is theirs and it takes care of them.

(Which reminds me of a post I like that pops around here and there, that positive body image should be about more than how “sexy” your curves make you look. A person shouldn’t have to be sexy to be treated like a person. A person shouldn’t have to be sexy at all if they don’t want to, especially not all the time, and especially not a child. And there are a lot of obese children in the world who don’t have any positive body image messages designed for them)

I learned what my friend’s love languages are and why they have them and what they mean. Which is why I have that theory for Veruca.

Mike is just self-projection and listening to other neurodivergent people when they describe their life experiences or listening to their theories when they say a character is neurodivergent too.

I won’t lie, my theory on Charlie is based entirely on the Avatar: the Last Airbender fandom’s common head-canon that Zuko becomes a workaholic after he becomes Firelord. There might be some canon material in the comics that supports that, but I’ve never seen it. I think Zuko and Charlie have a similar vibe and that those three years Zuko struggled, and Charlie’s entire life before the factory make them both feel like they need to be perfect and do everything right to prove they deserve the job they’re given and that their backgrounds don’t define their worth.

Thank you so much for your ask anon!

And again, you are not a bother. I enjoyed digging into this movie I’d never thought in depth about until tonight. And you’re not alone, lots of writers are overthinkers and perfectionists. You are in good company. Our writing and fanfiction community welcomes and loves you <3

And thank you for your kind words! I’m so happy that you love my blog so much <3 It made my day to read that

Take care anon, and good luck in your writing :)

[mychemicalrant]

Getting it on Both Ends

There’s kind of a weird emotional set of walls that someone with aspergers has to walk between. On the one hand, we are visibly set apart from everyone else through our appearance, behavior, interests, etc. On the other hand, we’re not visible enough, so we get accused of all manner of ill intent. This plays out in the following ways:

Wow, you’re autistic.

So I recently went on an interstate trip that, while challenging in many respects (lots of socializing with strangers, changing sleeping environments), went surprisingly well. My dad and I then met up with some old family friends of his, people who had known me since before I was born. They have a stunning, beautiful, amazing, accomplished, incredibly gifted and experienced 19 year old neurotypical daughter who they couldn’t be more proud of. Like, this kid was a superstar in high school and in their little community with friends, boyfriends, admirers from all over. Now she’s working with children and going to college for a degree in Awesome Incredible Career. I...am a 30+ year old job-challenged newly diagnosed autistic with few friends, no car, and have just moved back in with my parent. Suffice it to say my self esteem was a little low. I’ll admit, by this part in the trip I was incredibly weary of traveling and socializing. We had taken this very cross-country trip 15 years ago to see these same people and I remember having a panic attack the whole week from being so far from home, but that’s another story. My point is, I was visibly off. I went outside to spend time by myself, I stimmed like crazy, I drank ungodly amounts of beer, I ate a ton (because eating is readily available and encouraged in that part of the country), and I hyperfocused on a few of my travel interests. I’m a huge fan of collecting things and I like to collect certain things while I’m on the road, so I ended up dragging everyone along to search for these items.

Things were going pretty well, I guess, but in the back of my mind I was stressing. Was I coming off too weird? Too excited? Too distant? Too uncomfortable? I didn’t want to embarrass anyone but I knew I was slipping into the end of my rope. I had just spent one and a half weeks in hotels/stranger’s houses meeting an endless stream of new people in a strange area I wasn’t familiar with. And, like it or not, I’m autistic and always have been even if I didn’t always know it. But there’s something poignant about growing older and still seeing yourself acting outside of your age-appropriate behavioral expectations in front of people much, much younger than you who are absolutely nailing maturity. After all my worrying and insecurity about this...I overheard a conversation I probably wasn’t supposed to hear. The daughter was talking to her dad who has, again, known my parents since before I was born and visited frequently when I was a child. He knew my mom before she died. And he said “...ever since [my mom] died mychemicalrant’s been....weird.” And his daughter said, “Oh, I thought mychemicalrant was nice!” It was a very humbling moment, I guess. I am really nothing at all like my mom, which I think is part of this observation, but the fact of it is that I have had my weirdness blamed on my mom’s death since I was ten. And that never feels good. Because I know I’m really being blamed for autism, and that is something that I can’t help. Getting over tragedy is something that society expects you to do and also provides a context for my inappropriate level of development, but...that’s not what it is. So, ouch.

You can’t be autistic, that’s bullshit!

Anyway. So I’m licking this wound slowly on the drive home. My dad doesn’t say anything to me about my “behavior” (like he would have had to do when I was growing up) so I figure the moment has passed and he’s unaware of the whole thing. See, my biggest fear is my dad getting blamed for my behavior. Like, my parents were always critical of me to a point, but my dad is an Enneagram 9 and he lets things be what they are for the most part. But being a single parent and having a “troubled’ child attracts unwanted attention, and I’m scared to death that my autistic presence will cause some of the legal ruckus it caused when I was a kid. That’s...well, that’s another entire story, and maybe entirely TMI for tumblr. Back to the present: I get home and call my friend to tell her of this experience and how it made me feel. She was sympathetic about it, which encouraged me to share some really good news from my vacation:

I made a new friend who is really fascinated in me (cool) and this person friended me on FB. In doing so, she found my months old Autism Diagnosis Coming Out post and commented on it, which bumped it up to everyone else’s timeline. I had thought everyone had seen it and chosen not to say anything, but suddenly I was getting a stream of supportive and loving messages from old friends, including a friend of mine who is pursuing their own diagnosis right now. !! I was very excited about this, and mentioned it to my friend on the phone, who knows this person. And suddenly all of the polite, restrained, “You’re undergoing a spiritual journey right now that means you will overcome your autism when you’ve learned XYZ spiritual lessons” in regards to MY diagnosis became “There is no way they’re autistic, they’re a fucking spoiled only child who got everything they wanted from their mom because they threw a tantrum if they didn’t, they are autistic like I’M autistic, please!” Me: This friend got along with their mom as well as you get along with yours?? My friend: Yeah, exactly, [Friend] is exactly like me! A spoiled only child who didn’t learn social skills because their parent didn’t teach them! Me: ...You know I’m an only child too, right? My friend: Oh, but your situation is TOTALLY different, I mean, blah blah blah...

Yikes. This conversation has stuck with me. First of all, I’m really proud of my other friend for seeking a diagnosis. I have always known they struggle with some form of executive dysfunction and a diagnosis makes that make so much sense. I’m super proud that they are pursuing this path. Also, it does not surprise me that my friends might also be on the spectrum or otherwise neurodivergent because these are the people I was closest with. I um...don’t have the heart to tell my friend in the aforementioned conversation that I strongly suspect she may be somewhere near the spectrum, too. My point is, not everyone believes me when I tell them I have autism because they have a built in, violent, cruel, irrelevant stereotype of autism in their minds. (My friend worked with troubled children from broken homes who included kids with autism, and naturally these kids looked/acted nothing like me.) But it was the vitriol with which she body slammed our mutual friend while pretending to begrudgingly accept my diagnosis that took me aback. It made me think a lot: if my friend who is seeking a diagnosis doesn’t have autism and is instead a spoiled only child who didn’t learn to socialize (this person is actually extremely empathic, generous, and creative), why does my other friend think they are pursuing a diagnosis? I didn’t have the energy to ask, but I had a few guesses. And none of them reflected well on my friend’s feelings towards me and my diagnosis. So, there you have it. On the one hand, I’m so “weird” I’ve had the cops and CPS called on my family to investigate potential abuse because my behavior indicated that something was seriously wrong at home, and growing up I was a constant source of embarrassment for my parents. On the other hand, I can’t possibly be autistic because only little boys who bite and scratch and hit their moms with broken bottles are autistic. It’s an uncomfortable place to be. I’ve had legitimately had my feelings hurt by being called out for being autistic and called out for "not really having autism” in the same week.

I think this is not unusual for those who would otherwise have fallen through the cracks, diagnostically-speaking. But, here’s where I’m at right now emotionally. I am trying to adjust to life in a new place (that part is going really well) and adjust to my new understanding of myself as autistic. This isn’t easy when I have to oscillate between shame (I really am autistic and this does have social consequences, not just for me but for those around me) and worry that I’m not “autistic enough” and I’m somehow defrauding those who are truly disabled or lying to everyone about my condition. In other words, I am still trying to define my relationship to autism. I have a lot of pain and shame to wander through first.

[stimmingbabie]

6/9/21 update (part 2)

So since I have only two weeks left of living in this shitty town with these shitty people, I messaged a few family members asking if I could visit or be visited before I leave sometime. To my surprise, this is how my convo with my aunt went

Her: WHY SO FAR?

Me: It’s...hard to explain

Her: Do you like Chinese food

Me: I love Chinese food!

Her: Wanna go get some? (it was 7 pm)

Me: I’d love to, when?

Her: In 45 mins, takes me 30 to get there

So yeah. I got up fast and got dressed, told my gf obviously, and she came to pick us up. She took us to my favorite Chinese place, which also is hers. This was the first time I’d seen her in person in a few years, since every time we tried to make plans SOMETHING always came up. Mainly because of her children and husband (shitty dude).

After we ate, she asked if we had a curfew, we said no, and she took a road we’d never been down before (my gf in the back of the car: “oh lawd we gettin kidnapped”). My aunt then took us to see more family I hadn’t ever met, or only ever met when I was a small child. My uncle Joe, his son, his best friend/girlfriend, my grandpa, my aunt’s childhood best friend who was the mother of two boys, a girl, and...my sister. My sister was adopted out just like I was, but we share the same ahole of a biological father. I knew about her and all of my other many sisters out there, but never met her. 

This was a night i’ll never forget, because I realized I DO have family. And family that understands me, too. I got to meet all of them, and they’re from my bio dad’s side of the family, which is why I never got to before since my parents didn’t like them much. 

I found out that most of my mental illness, and even neurodivergence, most likely comes from them. My grandpa has bipolar with psychosis just like I do, all of my family struggles with anxiety and depression and psychosis, and a lot of my family is autistic in every side of the family. Even my sister. 

I started stimming by rocking back and forth slightly because I was anxious a little, and they were like “are you stimming’ and I was like HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS??? Anyway, I smoked a blunt with my uncle and his “friend”, I got slightly high but only in a way I’d never felt before, which was mostly a relaxing feeling. A great contrast to the high I felt a couple weeks ago from an edible (read through my posts for that one).

I learned so much about my family, where I come from, and how connected I truly am to them. AND I look SO much like my sister, because we both look like our bio dad quite a lot. We bonded a lot too, so much so that she wants us to come back tonight to stay the night!! Which will be fun, especially since my aunt is bringing her kid over to stay the night with them as well, so I’ll have cousin time too. And of course my gf is going. It’s gonna be super fun, and I’m really excited. I wanna see them more often...I wish I had met them way sooner before I’m about to move 5 hours away, but also if I had I’m not so sure I would’ve made this decision as easily. I guess everything works out for a reason.