#am i aromantic or just autistic? we'll never know.

[thatdude-noah]

both aromanticism and asexuality are identities and labels that i feel could apply to me to some degree, but i struggle to wrap my head around what it means. i think it's just the autism talking, but both identities feel like they're dependent on the opposite end of the spectrum if that makes sense? like. you're asexual because you're not allosexual. and the reverse applies as well, obviously, but we live in a society where it's just assumed everybody is allosexual. the problem is, i have no idea what being allosexual is supposed to feel like. i don't know what sexual or romantic attraction feels like to most people. so i can never fully grasp the aro or ace labels, because i don't know what that identity feels like. maybe i'm on the aro spectrum, or maybe this is how romantic attraction feels to everybody else. maybe i'm on the ace spectrum, or maybe this is how everybody else experiences sexual attraction. i can never figure it out.

[companion-showdown]

Who is your favourite companion?

TOURNAMENT MASTERPOST

propaganda under the cut

Compassion

Imagine this you are a Remote who is very happy being a space time anarchist punk thank you very much. Hanging out with their pal Kode and then suddenly in comes this British Twink talks your pal in to committing suicide so they can get their boyfriend back and then unplugs you from your culture and plugs you in to their Time Machine so you have to start travelling with these people who you hate. And this time travelling Brit keeps trying to stop you being Aromantic. Then suddenly bam you get turned into a TARDIS and now British Twink’s ex best friend turned Genocidal Dictator (who looks like she is from the 1920’s) try’s to turn you into a breeding slave to make more TARDIS’s from the war that is yet to happen for them but you have already experienced. So the Twink makes takes away your autonomy and ability to control where you land in a brutal and unconsensual act of needless cruelty and cowardice because they think they know how to look after you better than you a space time anarchist punk from the future so. Oh and they also seal of your primary means of defending your self from War Queen Romana who wants to make You a breeding slave. Eventually you break their conditioning and kidnap an unwilling time lord saving them from the destruction of their home before/after the war you came from. Now you have fun times and occasionally visit the war. Then you get board and become all of humanities afterlife and make everyone immortal after they die. Also you are the 5 A’s Aromantic, Asexual, Agender, Autistic, Anarchist. (anonymous)

Mind-links with the TARDIS and becomes a TARDIS herself. Travels with a human companion of her own and becomes a key player in the War. Later turns herself into the City of the Saved, an afterlife for all humans in the universe. What more can you ask for? (anonymous)

repressed bisexual from the sixties who's in love with the Doctor (anonymous)

Roz Forrester (joint propaganda with Chris Cwej)

Even though I never really followed the New Adventures books (so am probably not the best person to speak up for them) I've come to love these companions and their dynamics with Seven just from the three novel adaptation audios and the boxset of four new stories with them. Two 30th Century Adjudicators (basically military police) who end up leaving their job and journeying with the Doctor instead. They're pretty much polar opposites to each other but work together well and are both competent and likable. The actors both do a great job of bringing them to life and despite how little they've been used by the audios I think they've made a great impression with their limited time. I certainly hope we'll be hearing more from them beyond the one announced boxset where they're appearing with all of Seven's other companions. (@seven-times-champion /@elden-12 )

[raayllum]

Hi I was the anon the asked about parallels. If you didn’t get that ask just forget about I wanted to add a question about how do separate fictional relationships romantic or otherwise with real life ones. I’m asking how to take your fandom glasses off( for lack of a better term?

I know this is probably obvious but it’s healthy to outgrow a show right and realize it was holding you back

Re: this ask a little while ago

Well, fanon/canon romantic relationships vs real ones are very different things (I am assuming that some of those are like, celebrity based, but that is an assumption so it may not make all my advice/thoughts accordingly accurate to what you're looking for, depending on your circumstances).

Characters in a story do not have legitimate agency, as they are not real. They cannot decide to have feelings for another character, nor can they decide to be with them. The writer(s) or fans must realize the potential and, by virtue of being real while the characters are not, can engage with said potential in a variety of ways. This is especially true when it comes to ascribing/projecting versus recognizing our experiences in characters. For example, I very much read and interpret Rayllum as an aspec dynamic (Callum as demiromantic, Rayla as demisexual) and Ezran (among various other characters in TDP) as Autistic as an aspec and Autistic person, but those are ultimately headcanons. At most I might argue there's coding, whether intentionally on behalf of the creative team or not, not is anyone else Wrong for not headcanoning those characters the same way. They're not real, and the wellbeing of real people always takes priority over the wellbeing of fictional characters.

Secondly, there's a wide range of shipping and what it means out there. This is because shipping doesn't always mean "these two characters live happily ever after with babies" (or even if that is the end goal, is not where the root of interest lies). I have characters I ship as in "they didn't even really date and are now longstanding divorced from one another" (Viren/Harrow), "this would never be canon but I like it anyway, and possibly ship either or both halves with other characters in canon anyway" (Terry/Corvus), or "I only ship this 10-15+ years later when they're in very different stages of their lives" (aged up Soren/Opeli or Claudia/Ezran, for example).

This also means learning to read shipping signs even if 1) the ship isn't your cup of tea and 2) how to recognize a lack of shipping signs even if the ship is your cup of tea. Just because I like a ship doesn't mean I think it is, or should be, canon, and just because a ship doesn't work for me as much personally doesn't mean it's 1) a bad ship or 2) isn't happening.

Now, in real life, most of us don't necessarily choose who we develop feelings for (although I know that can vary for people who are on the aromantic spectrum sometimes, myself included) but like

In a fic, or a book, or a show, often times we are privy to characters' direct thought processes. We'll see scenes where they are alone or not with each other. This allows us often to get a very personalized peek inside their head, to really definitively know what they're thinking (and why).

There is no real world equivalent to that; all we have is taking people at their word or at their writing, and trusting that they mean what they say. And maybe we trust that because of consistency, or time frame, or said words being supported by actions, but it is trust. It takes a long, long time for trust to turn into knowledge, in relationships.

A good example of keeping heads screwed on straight (ironically for a queer couple) might be me and my partner. We're both big Rayllum fans and ended up seeing a lot of ourselves in them as people and as a couple. I relate most heavily to Callum but Rayla is my favourite; they relate most heavily to Rayla and Callum is their favourite. And while the similarities are sometimes useful and often times funny, we are decidedly not Rayllum and they are decidedly not us.

More than out growing a show, I think (although that can happen too) it might be more useful to frame it as outgrowing a mindset. If we make any given thing - particularly fictional concepts we do not own and thereby don't have any ultimate control over, and that going a certain way - or anything, really, too much a part of our self-perception/identity, we will undoubtedly have a very hard time if/when those things don't go our way, and inevitably at least one of them. Self hood needs to be grounded in meaningful relationships with art, hobbies, trusted people, and selfhood. Ships and shows can be reflections of that, but probably shouldn't be much more - and never taken that personally

[autisticlee]

I have so many characteristics that make me feel like dating would be absolutely impossible to do and navigate, because they're such undesirable things that no one wants. i

if someone DOES want/are ok with them, there's so few of those people that they either already found someone, or they're out of my reach/we'll never meet. and that's if THEY match what I want as well, which then makes that pool even smaller.

i'm autistic. i'm asexual/aromantic. i'm trans/nonbinary. all things that make dating extraordinarily difficult to begin with.

i'm also not smart, rich, socially acceptable, or conventionally useful. i'm not physically attractive/don't match societal standards. i'm not likable to most people and can't even make or keep friends. my interests are very weird and niche, and it's hard to find people who share them.

if I can't figure out how to make and keep friends, how am I ever supposed to date? that's many levels ahead of where I am, almost end game. i'm at level 0. the tutorial level. except my tutorial glitched out before I even started and won't work. so I can't advance.

yes, I have good characteristics that people would be lucky to have (like loyalty, willingness to communicate, honesty, going out of my way to be there for people I care about, etc) but those things don't overshadow the ones above. first impressions kill me. my most noticeable traits kill me again. I can't lie or mask. no one gets to the smaller "good" traits or they simply aren't ever enough.

this is why I never tried to date and never even thought about it until now. I gave up before even starting because I knew it would be a dead end, a waste of time and energy.

i'm going to complain further under here, despite already making like 10 posts about the exact same bullshit:

"until now." so, I need someone who lives in canada to date me so I can move there from US and be with the only supportive people I have in my life lmao. my closest friends, my found family, who meet my needs, respect my boundaries, go out of their way to help me, and reciprocate everything mutually and equally. they actually want me in their lives. it's not one-sided, for the first time in my life. I don't question their motives or loyalties like every other friend I had in my life. it's genuine and real and they've stuck with me for like idk 5 years now? meeting irl (which usually ends my friendships for some reason...I guess people don't like me after meeting me outside of my internet persona?) it was solidified even more that we are the found family i've been wanting and needing my whole life. why do they have to be in a different country that has an extremely strict policy for being allowed to move there?!

so back to the dating thing a big problem is that I have too many barriers that I can't hide that make people uninterested or dislike me. I also can't control other people. people are unreliable and difficult as hell.

throw on top wanting to date someone specifically to move countries and they might question MY loyalties and think i'm only using them. when actually, I genuinely also want someone who can be part of our found family and be my life partner.

unfortunately, I know it will probably never happen, since it's not even about "trying" or "not giving up." I literally don't know how to try to find someone. like where to look?? social medias are collapsing and I get ignored everywhere. dating apps are for more hookups, polys, cheaters, and bots/catfish than real partnerships. I have no clue how to make people like me because who i am hasnt done me any favors ever in my life. waiting around for someone to come to me first just wastes my time! plus i'm picky as hell and can't accept just anyone.

people keep telling me "keep waiting you'll find The One! don't give up! I was in a similar position and i found someone!" that doesn't help me. it doesn't give me hope or whatever. I prefer actual helpful things like "I'll help you get there!" if you want to "help." I prefer to look at things realistically and live in the moment. not a future I can't see. and in this moment i'm stuck in a shitty anti-lgbt state with unsupportive and unaccepting family who don't treat me very well and no irl friends i can trust and rely on. no one can say that will for certain change in the future. things don't always magically change for the better and if you aren't prepared for that, you'll always be stuck in one place, waiting. i'm not being negative. it's more dynamic than that. it's more "I need an alternative in case this truly is a dead end." i'm simply not getting my hopes up for disappointment and fooling myself into believing that doing nothing and waiting will help, while life passes me by.

but I also can't do anything. because I don't know how/what to do

and by can't do anything I don't mean in life in general. I mean about getting out of my parents house so I can be free from them and fond a safe and comfortable place. I can't afford it alone obviously. I unfortunately need other people on my life, as much as i wish i could be a lone gremlin human and never need others. and that's the part I have no clue how to do. if the only humans who want me aren't attainable, then what? i've tried for over a decade and only had failures because people are unreliable and turn on me without warning, after i'm the only one who puts effort into trying to help us escape our situations. i'm TIRED. I can't keep trying to do everything alone and end up hurt and betrayed by fake friends. i'm so tired.

(if anyone reads this, don't try to comfort me because it won't work. if you relate, you can share that because that's fine. if you want to help me by being a candian who can sponsor me to move there then that's even more acceptable 🤣 if you find you cant stand me after im permanently there, i'll appreciate your help and let you go lmao)

[ghost-of-the-machine]

ramble about my aromantic tendencies cuz im all. confused im SURE theres a word for this i just think im not ready??? i think like. not in a personal way, in a PHYSICAL way like something needs to change before id ever CONSIDER IT, makes me sick otherwise like theres so many things!! so many hurdles and stuff that would deter me from all that nonsense but i still like the idea of it like the idea is so sweet, its why i enjoy it so much in fiction but. in execution? IDK MAN.. freaks me out for so many reasons

romantic love is so cute bro like. its genuinely adorable to me, i love listening to love songs and just feeling the emotion and passion behind all the words, but ummmmmmm. i think realistically im capable? i just think that any attempt wouldnt go well, i dont think i can give someone what they might need, its always been like. okay 1. im going to be OBSESSED with you ill do anything you say ill let you mistreat and abuse me ill do anything for you okay which is not ideal!! not ideal, made for bad people dont want bad people. but?? on the other hand its also like i cant imagine loving another person more than i love my friends, but thats whats expected of me isnt it? i think they wouldnt like it very much if i had an equal amount but like. is it even possible? I REALLY DONT KNOW.. i know ive said it before, i just feel like. love, not platonic not romantic just LOVE pure unlabeled love. what kind of treatment would i give to a partner that i dont already give to my friends? itd go really wrong there im sure, i dont wanna hurt anybody yknow

idk its like such a cute little fantasy tho isnt it? maybe i meet someone and we become friends and then it leads to something more, is going on dates fun? maybe it would be but. i go on dates with my friends!!!!!! like is it different? i guess, but im out with someone i love i dont see how it could be much different

sometimes it feels like people like me dont get that. its hard to be good enough for someone else, like. i know theres like 8 billion people in the world but its always. im too fat im trans im not hot enough im too mentally ill im too awkward too. TOO EVERYTHING!! so on top of like. how can someone possible be more than what i already have, i have to be good enough too!!!!! so much work, i honestly. after brian, i was so content to just fall back on fictional characters, i know it sounds silly but self shipping LITERALLY saved my life i was hanging by a thread after him and then i found a coping mechanism that made me feel so good

i think its uncertainty, when it comes to fictional relationship? i make the rules, the scenarios, its perfect for me but. in real life you cant do that, im thrown in BLIND. i know its part of life, you learn and grow together but erm... im autistic please dont do this to me PLEASE if i plan out my conversation at a grocery store with the clerk and im STILL THROWN OFF... yeeowch!!

thats the thing im very offputting to other people like. something about me, i can see it in their eyes, see the way they kinda. like im. somethings all wrong with me!!!! they dont like it, i cant imagine myself being charming but.. maybe if i start T, ill be less. dreadfully anxious about seeing other people, then maybe ill flourish a little more. we'll see, it still freaks me out the thought of loving someone more than my friends like TO ME i dont think its possible and i dont want to find out about it okay it makes me sick it feels like betrayal, never tell me otherwise or ill feel awful, its betrayal to me!!!! cuz i want to give my friends the most i can give, they deserve it, so like. what, am i supposed to give less? give someone else more?? like ew who are you1!!! i dont need you i just need my besties thats all i need :] but its still a nice thought isnt it? its cute

i think i just have like a limit on the amount of people i can know at one time, ive always wanted more friends and i have more friends now!! sooo i dont realy need anyone else then? its very easy for me to feel satisfied with what i have, of course i am!!! grateful even!!!! so im like. it just doesnt matter so much to me. nice thought but i dont see it happening like i dont really WANT it to happen like i do but also. like. listen.

am i still gonna throw down to little love songs? absolutely yes sir!! to me tho like its feelings i can easily project onto my friends SKFJS like how me and my bestie kiss eachother on the head okay. because i loooooove them, its so easy because i love them!! its a love song, i dont care what kind of love its made for, i feel love and ill hear it how i want :] ITS. its some weird social bullshit okay, who says we cant? who says we cant go on little friend dates and kiss and hug and be in love with eachother while also being JUST friends? WHO SAYS!!!! its what i dont get, theres some disconnect between romantic and platonic love that i dont see at all. why should one be more valued than the other? hogwash okay its gobbledygook its. nonsense!!! im glad i dont see it that way, the hard part is finding other people who also dont see it that way, i realize my feelings on it arent STANDARD.. still, im satisfied. i have a lot of love to give and im always allowed to give it, isnt that so wonderful?