#am i making jokes to cope with the crushing weight of my trauma?

[thecorvidforest]

how do i tell someone i’m having a breakdown over the fact that i spent all my formative years in a cult & will never have a properly functioning nervous system but like in a cool sexy way

[capriclonus]

So obsessed with your fic and ty for giving your Tumblr 😋 PLS PLS GIVE ME TIPS ON WRITING THE CHARACTERS!!! I LOVE THE WAY YOU DO IT!! I am struggling rn with my story 😔😔 I aspire to be like you 😿

First off, WOW, someone coming to me for writing advice? That is an insane honour and a privilege! Honestly, I don't even know what to say, I don't consider myself an amazing writer (mostly I just consider myself one of the many pieces of trash worshipping at Shadowheart's feet) so its just fucking amazing that you want my input! Secondly, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with writing! It can be so so difficult. I think we're all guilty of forcing ourselves to write sometimes when we can't--so make sure you take time to do other things that aren't reading/writing to clear your headspace (and also simply changing the colour of the word document helps a lot! Also the font).

In terms of writing characters, a lot of what I do is very subconscious so you'll have to excuse my somewhat word jumble here as I try to think about and vocalise what it is that I do--

1. Get to know your characters. Recognise they aren't static beings, but change. For example, using Shadowheart as a reference, I think we can agree she has three basic states of being in the game: first, what's she’s like as an acolyte of Shar; second, what she's like as an ex-acolyte/selunite; and third, what she's like as a Dark Justiciar. Ie. in the beginning Shadowheart is blunt, defensive, scared and anxious. Still, she's also committed to her cause which has been off-roaded by needing to find a cure (and she has private doubts about that cause because of the trauma she's been through finding the artefact). But as a selunite, she's much more open and honest with her doubts and her feelings AND she's not afraid to have a bit more of a joke--you can sense a weight has been lifted from her, even as the initial decision crushes her. Also, think about how they speak, the words they use, and how they vocalise. Shadowheart speaks differently at each iteration--as an acolyte, she speaks relatively informally (for Shadowheart) when she's speaking to you, but when she's talking about Lady Shar, she alters her language and speaks more formally, more weighty. Compare this to Dark Justiciar: she's very formal all the time now, because she's moved from an acolyte to a representative of Shar, which needs to be taken seriously.

2. Empathise with them. What does the current stage of their journey feel like? If it were you, how would you feel and how does that differ to how they might feel? Read into the things they say in-game: their psychology comes as much as from what they don't say as it does what they do say.

3. Contextualise them within your fic: now you know what stage of their journey are they at, think about how that is affected by the environment/context you've put them in. For example, in my fic Give it Up for DJ Shadowheart, Shadowheart never moved past the stage of being an acolyte of Lady Shar but, more than that, she was never given the choice to do so-- Shar abandoned her when she was no longer useful so she was never given the object of choice. How does that affect her character, and how does it affect it in a modern context? For me, I decided not being given that choice would likely make Shadowheart feel stuck in place and, given her in-game bias to move to Selunite when offered choice, it makes sense to me that she would slowly become the selunite version of herself over time so long as she had positive influences in her life that promoted finding joy and purpose in other places, and promoted healing. Thinking about Lae’zel, I’ve framed her in the aftermath of her abandoning Vlaakith (getting fired from her job and losing her girlfriend is my equivalency to this) but instead of having another cause (Orpheus/a new job/her girlfriend) she has nothing and feels she has nowhere to go. And in my opinion, that would simply be too much for her to cope with, as someone who is driven by purpose and structure. Therefore she falls into a deep depression.

4. Have fun with it!!! Fanfiction is ultimately about self-indulgence and you should be focusing on what makes you happy to write more than anything. The characters don’t need to be perfect. In BG3 they are all so unique and as long as you are having fun whilst you’re writing them—if you’re making yourself smile, turning yourself on, whatever it is you want to get from your fic—then you are doing an AMAZING JOB!

Honestly I feel I’ve mostly talked a load of guff here, it was a lot harder to think about how I characterise people than I thought, but I hope I’ve helped in some way, even if just by explaining my thought processes behind my own characterisations. I hope it makes sense anyway!

And for what its worth, I’m sure you’re doing a lot better than you think you are and I wish you all the best in your fanfiction endeavours! Remember that, as much as I celebrate kudos/bookmark/hits milestones—and I do—they are very arbitrary numbers and if you’re happy with your fic, if you get pleasure out of reading/writing it, that’s really all that matters. I’m not ashamed to say I reread my fics all the time because I wrote them for me! And of course, to think that I’ve written something just for my own enjoyment that other people have enjoyed too is really wonderful! But I always keep in mind that at the end of it all, my fiction is for me!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR AMAZING ENGAGEMENT BTW YOU ARE SO SWEET AND I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST!! Come back anytime, I love to chat!!! <3 <3

[celestialdr]

My Script

So I’m posting up my script here if anyone's interested. This is for my main DR in the D:BH Universe.

It’s kinda long.

*WARNING: very self indulgent.*

Intro

My DR is set in the D:BH universe. In Detroit, 2039. I am a young Detective at the DPD.

All events that happened in my play trough of DBH happen in this reality. EG. Markus = Peaceful Revolution. Kara= Her, Alice and Luther all escape to Canada together. Connor = Becomes Deviant.

Hank and Connor become like father and son. Connor moved in with Hank after the events of DBH.

I have been working at the DPD as a detective for about a year now, I was very excited to be working alongside my dear friend Trey Greene (OC), who actually ended up being my partner. We do almost every investigation together.

During my time at the DPD I have become fast friends with Hank and Chris. Gavin is okay, we joke and banter but I wouldn’t say we are buds. I disliked his attitude towards Hank and his dislike of androids. But if he changes, who knows, maybe we can be friends. Idk.

I always supported android rights, even before there where deviants. I always treated androids with kindness and compassion.

I first met Connor on the 6th of November 2038, back before he was deviant. I was always kind to him and had a fondness for him. When Connor first saw me he stopped for a minute in a miniature awe, the stereotypical love at first sight motif. Although he did not know it at the time - him not being deviant yet. A software instability entered his program upon seeing me. In fact, anytime we made eye contact or talked he got a software instability. It baffled him.

The first time he saw me after deviating he was hit with butterflies, it didn’t take too long to realize what it was, he had a huge crush on me. He kept it to himself but Hank knew immediately.

It is now January the 8th 2039, Connor and I have become quite good friends but his feelings for me only continue to grow. We've only known each other for 2- 3 months but Connor is falling in love fast and now he's decided to finally pluck up the courage and admit his feelings to me and ask me out. How will he do this? I don’t know yet.

______

World

 After the events of DBH, Androids start getting rights, relatively quickly.

Laws are implemented to protect androids. Androids are free. They can own property, get paid for working and all of the things Markus was advocating for.

As time goes on Androids fully integrate into our society and we mostly live in peace. Hate crime of any kind is rare.

Android politicians start to pop up. Android Pride day exists. Androids can marry each other and humans. Android/Human relationships are normalised. Androids can adopt. Etc.

_______

Shifting

 1 hour - 1 day

. While I am in my DR my clone is sleeping in my CR.

. I have a Healthy attachment to my DR and I recognise the importance of my CR.

. I remember everything from both realities vividly while I'm in the other unless I script otherwise.

· I can fully trust my clone. My clone acts identical to me.

· When I shift back to my current reality time stops in my DR. The next time I go to my DR everything continues where I left off.

 · I can use the LIFA app in my DR to see what my clone is doing in CR.

· I only shift back to my CR when I want to, I can’t go back on accident.

· My safe phrase for coming back to my CR is “I want to go back to my Current Reality.” or even as simply as I make it my intention, then I can go back.

·  Nothing traumatic happens to me in my DR.

· When I come back to my CR, I will remember everything that happened in my DR.

· When I shift, I wake up in my DR bedroom.

 · When I am shifted I smell cinnamon and my eyes automatically open.

· I cannot die or get very hurt in my DR.

. I am able to fully Integrate Into my DR self’s life. e.g. Rembering my DR self’s past, feeling comfortable and normal talking to and interacting with people in my DR selfs life. Having all the skills and knowledge my DR self has.

. No one from my CR or other realities can enter my DR without my permission.

.My guardian Angel or one of my angels or guides from my DR has decided to help me shift. Whenever I try to shift in this reality the Angel assits me and pulls my CR self into My DR.

_______

About Me

I have the same name, b-day etc but I am 25 Years old.

Childhood and teen years, pretty similar to CR.

Everything is pretty much the same except added skills talents or whatever else I script.

 Physical

·  I Look like myself but 10x prettier.

·  I have my dream body, which always stays perfect and in shape. Similar to my body type only toned and fitter.

·  I have perfect, white straight teeth.

. I always have good breath.

· I always smell great - My sweat doesn’t smell.

· Low, silent gas that doesn’t smell.

· I usually smell like ‘Soap and Glory’ products.

· I have Beautiful hair that is easily maintained. My hair is also a slightly lighter blonde.

· I have my Ideal, natural eyebrows.

·  I have soft, clear skin and I am slightly tanner than in my CR. 

· I am beautiful from all angles.

· I have long eyelashes.

·  I have a straight, cute nose.

·  I always have good hygiene.

·  I never gain weight when I don’t want to, my body is always slim and never bloated.

·  If I ever get pregnant, after having my baby, my body goes quickly back to the way it looked before.

· I don’t have to shave too often.

· If I ever decide have a baby, my pregnancy will be safe and my child will be safe. It will be born happy and healthy.

· I have perfect senses.

·  I can be fully functional with little sleep.

· I have good stamina and am physically fit.

· I still have my accent. 

· I have a naturally beautiful face with and without make up.

· My make-up sits perfectly on my face and stays all day until I take it off.

· My make-up never runs.

· I always have nicely manicured nails.

·  I always look well groomed. 

Health

 · I have high pain tolerance.

· My period only lasts two days and doesn’t hurt too bad.

· I can only get pregnant if actually wanting too.

· I am always safe.

·  I am divinely protected at all times.

· I am well rested and perfectly healthy.

· I can think clearly.

· I have good mental health - maybe went through similar mental health issues when I was younger but now am perfectly healthy and able to cope.

· I do not scar.

· I heal fast.

· 𝖨 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝖻𝖾 too overly 𝖺𝗍𝗍𝖺𝖼𝗁𝖾𝖽 to my DR and I will not get any trauma.

·  I eat healthy, and enjoy healthy foods.

· I drink plenty of water

·  I have balanced chakras, Good intuition and I radiate love and light.

·  I can easily communicate with angels.

Skills

·  I am a skilled detective. I know exactly what to do and I have all required skills.

·  I am an excellent shot.

·  I have excellent fighting and self-defence skills.

· I have high intelligence.

· I'm never badly hurt in the line of duty. Extremely lucky (like domino in dp2.) If I ever get hurt in DR its only minor. No one is suspicious about it.

·  I'm a good writer.

· My art skills are always better in my DR than in CR.

· I have a good memory and deduction skills. Good reasoning skills.

· I am socially confident and charismatic.

· I am an excellent speaker.

· I am good at reading people.

· I give good advice.

· I am a good friend.

· I am a great kisser and fantastic in bed.

· I am hard working and have lots of patience.

· I'm a great singer and can play piano, guitar.  

·  I know French and Irish.

·  I know how to drive.

· I'm really good at make-up.

·  I'm really funny.

·  People easily trust me.

Life

· I have all knowledge my CR self has.

· I had a relatively easy life.

· I come from a wealthy family.

· I am always full of motivation and energy.

·  I have an amazing closet full of clothes, including both new clothes and my CR self's clothes.

· I have all of my current realities belongings. (Well, the stuff that I want with me.)

· I have a ton of art supplies.

· I live in my own house which I can afford with ease.

· I have a cute golden retriever called Bailey who is okay alone in the house while I'm at work.

· Bailey is a year old and is fully trained.

· I have a nice car that is self-driving.

· I have a good phone with the LIFA app

·  I get to travel to cool places on holidays/vacation.

· While I'm in my DR I don’t confuse my CR's past with my DR's.

· All my fave shows, music, movies are also in my DR.

· I have lots of friends and make friends easily.

· I remember my past in the DR and can reference it with ease.

· I never have to kill as a detective, I can always disarm or find another solution.

· I won't get fired from my job.

· I'm good at my job and I know how to do my job well.

· Trey is my partner and our desks are beside each other.

·  I'm also friends with Chris and Hank.

·  My friends are always there for me. My friends care about me.

·  Money comes to me easily and effortlessly.

·  I am a really great at manifesting what I want in my DR.

·  People I don’t want to, won’t die or get very hurt.

·  People from my DR never notice if I'm not there because when I’m not there, my clone takes my place. (Although I probably won't use my clone too often because I plan to pick up where I left off most of the time.)

·  I know all passcodes and important numbers of my DR self's life. E.g. Passwords, phone numbers, etc.

·I have a Spotify/ (or whatever the equivalent to it is in this reality) filled with music that I like. Maybe some of the playlists that I have in CR.

· I'm quick at picking up skills.

· If I ever decide to change career in my DR, I can do so with ease and get whatever job I want.

·   I have nice, tidy handwriting.

Family

I come from a wealthy family. We moved from N.I. to America - Detroit in 2025. (Moved Because dad was offered a great job.) *family all have our green cards.*

Family is friends with Carl Manfred.

A very loving, healthy and supportive family.

* In my actual script I go into more detail about my family. but i’ll give you a brief rundown. I chose to shift to a reality with a different family from my CR family because I thought if I had a different family and friends it will give me more of a reason to come back to my CR. So I can have balance? idk...*  

My DR dads name is Patrick, DR mums name is Mary and my DR brothers name is Lucas.

Family support and are okay with my relationship with Connor because they recognise androids as living beings.

Last but Not least! Bailey!

Bailey is my one year old Golden retriever. She is very well trained and is an absolute angel. She also really loves Connor.

House

I live in a 1 bedroom, 1 bath house with Bailey. *In my actual script I stuck in a bunch of pictures of a house I built in the sims 4.*

Friends

So, I'm not going to go through all the friends I scripted on here but I’ll tell you about my best friend from my DR. My partner from work, Trey Greene. He’s 27, a leo (like me) and gay. (I honestly made my entire friend group LGBTQ+ LOL)

I may have also scripted that jenna marbles is there and shes my friend lol.

Connor

*Okay now to the real reason I'm shifting, the love of my life.*

Connor falls in love with me the moment he sees me. Although he may not understand what it is at first because he hasn’t deviated yet. When he fully deviates he realises his feelings. He's a little shy about it at first but eventually asks me out. We date and fall in love and end up in a loving healthy relationship. We respect each other's boundaries and are completely in love. Like stereotypical soulmates.

 Connor is very romantic and affectionate. Literally like a prince charming.

 When we get together we are in a healthy relationship and both of us are completely faithful. I can trust Connor fully because I know he is trust worthy and always has my best intentions at heart.

 . We have similar love languages.

.  Connor is super-duper romantic and calls me sweet names like "My love."

. Much Like me in this DR, Connor is completely protected and safe with extremely good luck.

After the events of DBH and Connor is deviant. Amanda and cyberlife no longer have any control over him.

 NSFW warning - Skip to Lifa if your not comfy.

Connor's model was created fully equipped with regular male genitalia (which is about 7 inches.)

He is very vocal in bed and is great at dirty talk. He can do loving romantic sex and also kinky rough sex too.

 Lifa

Lifa is an app on my smart phone that only I have access to. Others don’t notice it. (like hidden in plain sight.)

 It can only be noticed by others if I decide I want to show it to someone.

 Lifa allows me to script while in my WR. It also allows me to see myself in CR.

Lifa updates me when its nearly time for me to wake up or reminds me when. As if it's like a timer.

 Lifa doesn’t require internet. It has maps on it. I can look at my money and add to my money if I so wish. (if I add money it doesn’t ruin the economy.) idk magic lol

 I can also access in online on a computer or tablet or any device that carries the internet.

 No one else can use it unless I specifically allow it.

 I will be alerted by this app if my clone wakes up.

 I always have my phone near me. I can never lose it. Its also always fully charged.

 If I get a new phone. Lifa automatically downloads on it and deletes off the old phone.

MISC.

· When androids deviate they are able to feel pleasure, touch, etc.

· Androids actually do have souls and are actually a new life form.

· After revolution CyberLife starts to create things for androids like upgrades. E.G. Taste, ability to do almost everything humans can.

 · Most people are environmentally conscious.

· The earth is healing and people are taking better care of the planet. A lot more environmentally conscious options.

·  The ocean, air, atmosphere and earth are all 70% cleaner than in CR.

·  Racism, homophobia, sexism are quite rare. Ultimately society frowns upon such things.

·   Humans and Androids live in peace

· Shortly after the revolution, Kamski got repointed as CEO of Cyberlife. Cyberlife now focusing on the needs of Androids and helping them adjust into the world.

·  Youtube still exists and is relevant.

·   Bagel Bean and Boojum exist in Detroit and aren't too far from my home. (These are food places back at where I'm from that are bomb.)

·  No crisis with bees.

. The Police and justice system are reformed.

·   No threats of ww3.

·  I don’t live too far from work.

·  All the videogames I like still exist, (except for dbh obvs.)

· We can buy Cadburys and Pujana tea in America. (Things I like in the UK.)

• Food in US is similar to food in UK. e.g. same food laws and food that is actual tasty / healthy. LOL 

(sorry, I've been to America and the food there tastes weird, man.)

Future

Now that the androids have rights, Cyberlife has to free all active Androids. Eventually they get around to RK900. Cyberlife only created one RK900 as a prototype before the revolution.

The RK900 goes by the name Nines. He ends up working in the DPD. (Months later.)  It takes a while for Nines to deviate but he eventually does. Nines is rather stoic but he is nice. Him and Connor have a brotherly bond. Nines becomes friends with me, Connor, Hank and Trey. (Part of our little found family.)

 In the future, when Connor and I are both ready we get married and have kids (either through adoption or sperm donation or maybe they find a way for androids to have kids in the future, idk?)

 In the future me and Connor buy our dream house together.

--

So, Yeah that's what I've scripted so far. I keep one script on my PC and one in a notebook under my bed. 

Feel free to use any ideas or concepts from my script 

[h1kari]

Hellllllo! My name is Natalia. I am apart of the Haikyuu fandom. Here is a list of stuff about me.

I go by she/her pronouns

I am a Sagittarius, tho idk how much that fits. I have really bad adhd and social anxiety but when I am a pretty extroverted person at times. I try to make everyone my friend. I am really really focused on my studies since I have had my parents shoving the importance of it down my throat my whole life. I am also a people pleaser and have a hard time putting myself before others (I am working on it tho). I would also say I am the funny friend cause I use trauma as a coping mechanism🤗. I am again a people pleaser and my few friends mean the world to me so I would probably help them hide a body no questions asked.

I am Italian and Argentinian with brown hair and blue eyes. I am also not confident in myself what so ever. The only thing I like about myself is my eyes cause people’s go to thing to compliment me on is that (although it’s always after I compliment them so it may just be a coincidence). I have fairly curly hair that goes to my shoulders. I am 5’5 and don’t know my weight cause I’m borderlinjng an ED sooo.

I really enjoy clothing and have a vast fashion sense. So I could be wearing a cottage core dress one day then the next a oversized sweatshirt with a collar peeping out and jeans the next. Not so much into like emo, grudge, goth stuff like that tho.

I love acting. It has been a huge part of me for a while. Singing and dancing to. Also when I am bored I like to pick up a new language although I only speak sign language and English fluently (I’m getting pretty good at Spanish tho). I also want to go into the medical field when I am older.

Okay random things. Uhhh my favorite color is yellow, I like reading and writing, and my favorite number is 2. Sorry if this isn’t helpful.

first of all YOU’RE ARGENTINIAN HELL YEA SAME HERE M’AM, ok now yea: i ship you with 🥁🥁🥁oikawa! Aight let’s get to it 😼

So i feel like you’d meet pretty much by chance, like for example, one of you forgets your umbrella on a super rainy day, let’s say that’s you. Except you didn’t ‘forget’ to bring one, you gave yours to one of your friends cuz they themselves didn’t have one (you guys couldn’t share cuz they had to get another route) You were slightly regretting your overly kind gesture while walking down on the pouring rain. Oikawa spots you, he had noticed you before all this tho, he knew how normally good natured you were, your grades, talents, beauty and style hadn’t gone unnoticed either. You’d caught his eye, he just didn’t know how to approach you, yet. As he saw you trying to stay dry, going from shop to shop, he called out to you, waving his umbrella around. You didn’t wanna “bother” as you said but he insisted. So there you were, lightly holding onto tooru’s sleeve while you both walked down the street. Not much time had gone by since oikawa started chatting you up, asking questions, being all popular-star-student charming. You felt calm and appreciated in his presence, like he was genuinely interested, and he was! That rainy day was the exact push he needed to talk to you.

Couple months late and you guys are really close, walking home together, you going to his matches, studying together, shopping together etc. He loved how more extroverted you were now that you were friends friends. He definitely let down his ✨ooh so charming and calm guy✨ mask, i mean- he could still charm your pants off, but around you he was more childish, like when he’a around iwa, yknow? That being said, his team sees his crush a mile away, are you blind or something?? Fr. They’re like god you idiot just ask her out so you can stop fawning over her in secret. You like him too, obviously, but he’s got every girl after him, it just makes you feel icky- like you don’t deserve him, and it’s not like you’d be any different from all the girls after him, right? (NO YOU DUMB BITCH SORRY FOR CALLING YOU A BITCH BUT OFC YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS), then, as you fall for him more and more, you also distance yourself more and more. This leaves oikawa feeling like shit cuz he thought his fliriting and romantic advances were making you uncomfortable so he’s like “got it” all angsty. You guys don’t talk for a while.

Like a week later you have this drama acting show, and dammit of course he’s gonna go! He’s seen you work so hard for it and he knows how passionate you are. Fuck this!! Fuck the uncomfortableness and angst, he just wants to be with you!! He decides, he’ll tell you everything after the show and if you turn him down, he’ll just have to live with it.

You do amazingly, of course, he’s left speechless by your performance and each second he’s more and more eager to see you, actually see you. After the show he finds you, you’re surprised to say the least, but happy to see him again

“What’re you doing he-“

“I have to tell you something”

“...okay”

And so he tells you. He had planned what he’d say but his mind is blank, so he just sputters whatever he’s feeling and he’s felt all this time. You’re like holyshitholyshitholyshit and tell him you feel the same

“I’ve missed you”

(😭)

Aight that was pretty long. bUT now couple shenanigans. You’re both obviously fashion icons, and fashion icon + fashion icon = fashion couple. Ngl sometimes he wants to match outfits w you and you’re like sir-🗿cuz most are pretty cringey, so one birthday of yours he decides to give you a prank like gift, this atrocity:

He jokingly gave you the beast one, and now one of your many inside jokes is “YO-DA”

Another thing, you guys help each other, as all couples should. He’s helped you relax more in terms of studying, telling you it’s okay to take it easy and that he’ll 100% help you to take more stuff off your back. You deserve rest. He’s also helped you become more confident in yourself, putting your needs above other’s wants. He loves how kind you are, but he hates seeing others take advantage of that kindness. OH ALSO you both use humor as a coping mechanism 😍 iwa-chan is very worried.

DATE IDEAS: going to the theatre, you guys get the chance of seeing the ✨arts✨ and you can dress all fancy. You usually go out for dinner at a nice place 😌 also study dates!! He loves bothering you, you just look so cute!! All concentrated!!! Plus it’s a great way to get you to relax more. Sometimes you also teach him languages, he finds it sososo cool that you love learning them, can speak it AND that you’d be patient and willing to teach HIM 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 this mans has heart eyes for you and you only, forever

Hope you liked it!! Have am awesome daynight and thanks for the submission ^^💞💞

[songofproserpine]

To sum up today’s conclusion in therapy: Embrace the struggle.

The details:

I had a trauma dream last night that was also a lucid dream. I knew I was dreaming, and didn’t want to keep enduring the nightmare, but when I tried to escape, my brain wouldn’t let me. I felt locked into it, trapped by my own brain, despite my desire and active attempt to break free.

Leading into this, all day yesterday I was daydreaming about conversations with people I admire, yet these fantasies were just ways to brickbat (it’s a word, look it up) all my attempts to comfort myself. Instead of imagining situations where me and this person had a genuine heart to heart, I imagined them arguing with me, making me defend myself; I imagined myself having to deal with their scorn and ridicule instead of their kindness.

I think–and I didn’t say this in therapy, but I imagine my doctor agrees–that these two are connected: the feeling of powerlessness/needing to defend myself from my own self, and the inability to imagine external comfort without also needing to be on my guard.

My responses to stressors or outright triggers is to either be petulantly angry–like a child stamping her foot and saying no–or shutting down completely, retreating into silence and isolation until the mood passes. I am constantly torn between these two reactions, which often manifest as anger outright, when it’s actually more like fear or sadness. The latter example–retreating, going ‘dark’–usually leads to more constructive and useful things: I put on music and start thinking about my stories, all the ways to fix this or that, what I want to do for another one, how I can improve it or expand on something I already established. Or I start cleaning, play a game, reach out to some friends. When I was in school and when I had a job, I would throw myself into my studies or focus intensely on an assigned task to do.

It’s the first response–the reflexive, childish response–that I have the most trouble with. I don’t want to react that way to triggers, to distressing, terrifying situations. I can’t do anything with childish fear and powerlessness. I can’t do anything but feel it. It’s as useless and infuriating as someone telling me, “That’s not fair!” when I explain to them all the things that happened to me. Yeah, I know it’s not fucking fair–that doesn’t comfort me. That doesn’t make me feel better, and I’d rather not hear it (though I’m trying to come around to the way of thinking that this is someone’s way of expression compassion and sympathy? It’s just not my brand of the thing).

My doctor asked if, when these moments happen (the reflexive “no”), if in my head I feel like a child, like do I regress or something. I said it’s more that I’m seeing it as a childish, immature reaction to have, because it doesn’t lead to anything constructive or useful. It’s as simple and pointless as a temper tantrum. And then he said something interesting: what if that reflex is a way that my mind responds to feelings that I can’t easily name, understand, or control? Which is something a child does.

Children’s behavior–the loud screaming of toddlers, the explosive energy of lil’uns–seems to be based on that, right? They have so much inside them that their brains and bodies don’t know how to contain it, so it’s just this one big burst of noise. And my brain, for whatever fucking reason (is it the trauma? The personality disorder?) responds in a similar way, because it can’t deal with how it’s feeling.

Which ties into the summary of the session: embrace the struggle.

I am, for whatever reason, always going to be at war with my own nature. The “good”, the “bad”, the dreamy and ideal naivete, the hardened, bitter cynic, etc.–all these things are always ever going to be at odds with each other, tearing me in between it. That’s it. Period. Much like the Buddhist credo “Life is suffering” is a complete statement, empty of judgment or an emotional exploration of that fact, the phrase “Embrace the struggle” is something I have to just… let sit in my head.

And this happens to me all the time. All the time. Every single day is like this back and forth. Sometimes it’s fun–me constantly connecting outside things (memes, video games, books, movies, characters) to the things I’m thinking/feeling. Sometimes I can make them into jokes. And other times it’s a weight that crushes the air out of me.

The point is that every single day is like this for me. I am constantly struggling in some way.

Kyo said something that reminds me of this a few years back, for a Mobile Q&A. When asked about a motto/phrase that he liked, he responded with:  反逆精神. Rebellious spirit. And I think… that’s something I have to adopt here. I have to be my own rebel, against myself, against external, harmful things. I have to fight. And sometimes that’s going to be hard, harder than I can endure. And sometimes I won’t know how to start or even get it to stop. Sometimes I won’t want to do it at all.

But I have to. Period. End of the sentence.

Because sometimes… the struggle isn’t all that bad. Sometimes it’s comforting, freeing. Sometimes it’s empowering. Sometimes it’s like how it feels to write and edit–I am in a constant process of perfecting and honing my craft, channeling my ideas into their purest state. That’s still a struggle, isn’t it? I’m still fighting to make something emerge how I want it to be. It just isn’t as demoralizing and heartbreaking or soul-draining as the struggle, say, to cope with trauma, or a stressor, or the unbearable agony of existing in a world that’s this fucked up.

But I have to. Period. End of the sentence.

So, I will. I’ll try.

ETA: A less trite way of phrasing it, which I like because of its irreverence: Fuckin’ fight me. I’ll PvP with my own broken brain, I don’t give a fuck. Nobody’s gonna take me down--not even me.

[adorninscenarios-blog]

Lost In a Fantasy

Genre - Fluff, Angst

Word Count - 2050

Length - One shot most probably

Ten is stuck in his own made up world 

I swear it is better then the summary.

Rosy pink tinted his cheeks as he laughed, head tilting back, his hair bouncing as he nods to every word that come out of her plump lips. He stared at the way rays of light shone through the windows illuminating her face, how her doe eyes stare right back into his, as she tells him how her day went, Ten felt like he had heard the story a thousand times but he brushed it off as her voice continue to fill his ears. She sounds like Ten’s favourite song no matter how much it’s placed on repeat he would never feel like it is overplayed.

Brown locks fall covering her face like curtains as she flails around with a stupid grin etched on her face. She laughed and giggled as she tells Ten about her day, hand gestures accompanying her story. Ten mentally noted about how cute she looks as she scrunches up her nose when she talks about something she disliked, how her eyes shimmer and the corner of her eyes crinkle when she starts talking about her dance class so zealously. Every minute that has passed felt like eternity as Ten try to engulf the sight of the beauty in front of him.

In the middle of the conversation she looked at her wrist and a look of shock painted her face as she hurriedly stood and engulf Ten into a quick hug telling her goodbyes as she has elsewhere to be, not specifying where she is going, she has never specify where she heads to leaving a bewildered Ten alone at his apartment, he never wants to pry. If she doesn’t tell Ten where she go, then that would mean that there is no need for Ten to know, he believe in the trust that they have established over the years is enough and she’s going to tell Ten one day.

The empty space left on the beige couch however is now taken up by a giraffe who is staring blankly at the petite boy waving his long limbs around as he try to wake Ten up from the intense staring contest he is having with the white walls across the room. The taller male stop his weird antics as he see Ten come back to his senses, a cheeky grin displayed on his face as he shoves 2 brown paper bags into Ten’s face. The smell of grease soon spread around the room as Johnny went to the kitchen and took the fast food out and plated them. Greeted by a whiny Ten that insist he must maintain his weight for the upcoming dance competition he has, however in contrast to his words he grabbed the oily mess that we call chicken wing and look a large bite out of it.

The smaller cling onto Johnny as an abrupt slam of the door alerted the pair, come in a man that seems so familiar yet Ten could not place his fingers on who he was, the man is well dressed and bringing in a briefcase he sat at the couch across from Ten as the taller has filled all of the space on the couch for his “legs”, Ten thought silently that Johnny should share some of that genes so he can grow a bit more. Chuckling at the thought he momentarily forgot about the random suspicious man sat across of him, that got into his apartment with ease meaning he knows the passcode to Ten’s apartment door.

The man had a stern face but Ten would say that this man is scary indeed, Ten grasp tighter at Johnny’s clothes bundling it up around his small hands. The man’s presence was intimidating to say the least, however as the man’s stone face slowly turn into a small smile, Ten starts to ease up, maybe he is isn’t that bad after all Ten thought, he was always been the type to easily trust to someone.

Shock is not a big enough word to explain how Ten is feeling right now, he felt like his whole world was crumbling down before him like an overcooked crust of an apple pie, the crumbs left on the floor. He refuses to take the words of this random man into consideration, this man is nothing all Ten could know this man could be a serial killer feeding Ten lies to try and kill him fro his enjoyment. That must be it Ten thought, even the idea of a serial killer seated in front of him is better then thinking about the slightest chance of both his best friend no longer walking on the face of the earth as he knows it. Shaking his head in refusal he pushed the unwelcomed man out of his apartment, but with his frame the man won’t even move an inch out of his seat, the man started to speak in a soothing tone Ten feel like he knows too well, he first asked Ten to sit back down onto the seat he sat before. Shaking in fury Ten exclaimed a loud no saying that the nonsense this random man is spurting out are just lies and the Johnny this man had described about is there right in front of his eyes sitting on the couch-, that’s when Ten turned his head back to look and that Johnny is nowhere to be found, even the couch Johnny was seated on is now replaced by dark blue chair fit only for one.

Soon Ten’s whole vision of sight blurred up, as the whole room seem to have changed in color, decoration and even size. The beige walls was gone now replaced by grim looking white walls and the table that had his chicken wing is now replaced by a metallic tray with food that looks like stale mush, the room was white from top to bottom, with mostly all the decorations in white except the blue chair that is in the middle of the room that he must’ve sat on, and the man across from it calmly sitting on his high chair writing down notes on his notepad. The man looked up at Ten and said “I’m guessing you are now back into the reality Mr.Lee? This would always happen every time I come back. You have not been showing any progress at all, how could I help you if you yourself can’t even get out of that imaginary reality you try to live in it always seem like you are getting better however every time we are at the brink of your recovery you always set yourself back to your original state.”

Tear start to flow down Ten’s face as sobs muffled sobs came out from his pale lips as he hiccups, slowly losing his composure, dropping fast onto the hard ground as the idea of losing both y/n and Johnny come across his mind. 

“Chittaphon I am trying my best to help you get out of this trauma you have but first you need to let the fact set in that y/n and Johnny is no longer here, they are long gone and I assume that they would hate seeing you like this, trapped in a made up bubble made by your imagination cause you can’t let them go I know that they play a big part in you life but Chittaphon I beg you, you need to try and let them go you wouldn’t want to lose another important person in your life right?”

The memories soon flew into his mind as the image of y/n pale face project itself, there she laid on a hospital bed in the mint gown that every patient wore however she still looked pretty as ever even to her last breath, however no matter how much time and preparation Ten had, the moment her hand grew cold and lifeless in his all the mental preparation he had went out the window and he fell into a deep depression, secluding himself from any activity only staying in his dark apartment, with barely any light able to seep in, he was a mess and he knows it.

Ten couldn’t cope with the pain of his best friend, his crush, the love if his life leaving him, regretting not spending enough time with her, it killed him to think that the person who made him smile was gone, and he couldn’t even make y/n feel the same way she does when he’s around her. He had been such a coward even to her last breath he still could not stir up his courage to fess up his undying love for her. Ten didn’t want to feel this pain he feels and slowly he had trapped himself in a figment of unrealistic imagination to deal with the pain it all first started with the thought of what if y/n was still alive, how Ten would get out of his way to make the biggest confession he can muster and slowly he has fallen deep into the delusions he has set up for himself.

Johnny is his closest friend, he probably knows Ten more then Ten knows about himself, and Johnny knows how hard this must be for Ten, distancing himself from Ten for a couple of days to give space and time for Ten to grieve, after a few days however Johnny was too impatient and would also like to comfort his friend Johnny had found himself at the doorstep of the younger’s home. The sight displayed in front of Johnny was a look of utter shock however when he was greeted by a cheerful looking Ten and not a forced-smile look however a full out this-is-the-happiest-day-of-my-life smile, Johnny was shocked to say the least when Ten was back to his happy-go-lucky self, Johnny felt a mix of emotion wash over him, happy that his friend is not in a all time low, yet freaked out as the younger is way to happy to be someone that have lost someone so precious to him. Johnny soon found out that Ten have deluded himself in a made up fantasy world where y/n was still alive when Ten started to have one of his rants about how y/n said yes to his confession, when Johnny said y/n was no longer here ten just laughed it off saying it’s not a funny joke and pointed at the black couch saying that y/n is right there. Johnny had a blank expression all through the ride where he brought Ten to the psychiatric wart, unable to believe that his friend is not in the right state if mind, he knows that this could take a toll on Ten but never this much. The moment Ten was taken away was an heartbreaking moment Johnny couldn’t let his Ten go, Ten is almost like a brother to him but Ten needed help and Johnny knows this would make him better. Johnny visits Ten once every 2 days and would always find something new to bring for Ten to try and help Ten be not as bored at the place, cause even spending a few hours there Johnny can feel boredom etch in his bones he can’t imagine Ten needing to go through that everyday, but this would help Ten, Johnny is wiling to try anything.

However nothing seems to want to go Ten’s way when one day Johnny has not come to visit him, Ten was just getting better and was almost at full recovery. The news that greeted him the next day was not so pleasant to hear though, as he has come to find out that the person that have stayed by his side to get him to recover had died in a car crash, Ten have spent the next  few hours cursing at the drunk driver of which he doesn’t even know the name of, and Ten has slowly but surely come back to his delusions, Ten has relapse.

This has happened continuously for several times over the course of a few years now every time Ten has been seeming like he is about to reach full recovery he has relapse back and clouded his mind with these delusions, Engulfing himself and living in his memories, and wanting to have something that now no longer exist

~Cia

|| Author’s note - This is my first ever written story that i have published i hope you enjoyed it as much as i enjoy writing it. The plot line is that Ten is stuck in his made up delusions that his best friend which is y/n is still alive, Johnny tried his hardest to snap him out of this made up world. The rest was up to me and Ren to decide, so this is how I interpreted the story and Ren interpreted it in a more cheerful tone. I hope you would support both my and Ren’s work. Thats all for this pretty long authors note, thanks for reading ^^