#an old mom on top of having that name smh give her a chance god

[texaschainsawmascara]

I weep for the future

[lordxgrinnyxboy]

rewatching The Grinning Man once again,,2am edition,,just through Beauty and the Beast bc i had to give up and go to bed. @past me you really thought you were gonna. ha. haha. who ever said you’re not a funny clown.

‘ye gods’ is fully a tagphrase of barkilphedro’s. bc saying it at least twice makes it definitely a Thing.

josiana says Bark looks like a...~bug~...and ngl the cut of his coat + those limp antenna things on his hat do actually kinda create that effect. they really did make him look like a skittering creature

accidentally paused at such a moment where his head is angled just so and it’s so weird bc u can’t see the paint on his nose at this angle what

i could play barkilphedro. it would be a ghastly shame but i. no. i could though. no i couldn’t. but

everything bark says just sounds very...Like That.

gonna start doing eye makeup like bark’s

i have so many feelings about the fact that Mr. Maskell’s ensemble(?) character and Ms. Obianyo’s ensemble character stand beside each other for this scene

au where Gwyn’s mom lives and the two of them work as performers

no but fully that Green Cowl but also like. Ms. Obianyo’s entire outfit??? that is a Fantastic Look right There right There.

i like how Bark points at an audience member when he says “whose life is even worse than yours”

okay so the mist that comes up when Bark first says “laughter is the best medicine” plus the way Ms. Obianyo’s ensemble character Looks At Him plus the way Ms. Obianyo’s Ensemble Character and Mr. Maskell’s Ensemble Character stand next to each other plus the fact that this is all Barkilphedro telling the story of events he perpetrated and whatnot just generally the whole look of the bit gives me Feelings like these particular two ensemble characters are almost sort of the ghosts of Gwyn’s mom and kinda sorta who Gwyn could’ve been but also not but also Kinda

i’m just so very emotional and love seeing these two together they look amazing and i love them DX

Josiana’s Introduction/Portrait dress looks fantastic and im mad she doesn’t get to keep it

London!Jojo’s costume is better

genuinely still can’t believe Clarence is Ursus

but it’s kinda ironic tho since it’s by Clarence’s orders that Bark was ever in the situation where ‘hmm guess i havvvve to mutilate this kid’s face lol, that’s too bad” was a thought htat occurred to him so i mean both of Ursus’ characters had a hand in what happened

clarence is like “look at my unhappy children/what a tonic for my pain” ursus is like “...” and dea’s like “look at your unhappy children father i dare u”

the lords on palace hill are a gift

Ms. Brisson is just a truly adorable individual i love her ensemble character

also the material on the sort of dress/aprons the Lords wear? the print kind of looks like a map to me but idk if that’s what it is?

Osric’s “Welcome to the Stokes-Croft Faire” is like. one of the top 10 most iconic moments of the show for me negl. maybe even top 5. It’s got this particular energy i can’t describe but it’s So Good

i feel like in this scene like the top half of Mr. Maskell’s face is painted white(er) which looks fabulous once the bandages + cowl are added like heavens above but also with the whole “ooooh that’s the ghost of pre-barkilphedro!Gwynplaine” angle it’s interesting w/how Jojo’s got that bit of white paint/powder as well and it looks like Dirry-Moir’s whole face is painted at least for this number like Ooooh Is That A Lord Thing idk but it’s a Vibe

i once again think it’s interesting that it’s the actors for Angelica and Jojo who are in the picture frame for “Chained Beasts Fighting” considering how Jojo and Angelica seem to for real not get along so well during the play’s events

i’ve another theory abt mr. hubert

bark’s really like all up on Mr Maskensemblecharacter for the “stab an old man with a needle” bit.

i’ve tried so hard to figure out what the heck that could mean but all i can find is “they’re probably referring to murdering ppl with hat pins” u-u

yo the artwork on the walls behind them Wowie

gosh i love Osric

the little dance thing they do after “I’ve got the misery” is something i yearn for like. pls.

idk if anyone gets more into that last Laughter is the Best Medicine choreo than mr. Dirry-Moir like. he is positively Aggressive with it

the drum or whatever makes that little repeating like, three-point, one-two-three over and over toward the peak of this song is like. i don’t know what i was about to say but I Like This Part Of The Song Even Though It Is Very Stressful And Intense

idk man gwyn just looks Really Good when ursus pulls back that curtain like idk if it’s the way he’s standing or the way he’s moving however slightly or what he’s doing with his hands but like. A+ Gwynlit you look fantastic right here

i like how initially he looks just at Ursus but then kind of looks directly into the camera. sort of fancy the notion that in order to get through shows Gwyn’s kind of particular about where he looks and will try to focus on Ursus and Dea as much as possible but otherwise kind of just tries to not really See the audience maybe or something

oh hey that’s Born Broken that’s music boxing hangon lemme go back what plays for

i don’t reckona- give me a minute - i don’t. recognize. there we go. the music box sound that  plays for gwyn

dea is So Pretty

“I shall put my money where my mouth is” dirry-moir that is a most unfortunate turn of phrase

ngl gwyn always looks like he’s having a good time doing up the Drama for his act as Clarence

shadow!gwyn’s hair is next level kinds of floofy magnificence

even his bandages look amazing

“Sonny” :}

no but when Gwyn walks little puppet!Gwyn up the ramp to the ship but Dea’s helping and so they wind up standing Very Close and there’s Height Difference i’m sorry but they are Adorable

i reall like the ocean effect they do

Dea’s cowl look is Exquisite

can’t actually remember for real for real but i’m fairly confident that Mr. Maskell’s “MOTHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER MOTHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER” was at least 67% of what initially forced me to fall in love with this show so Thank You Mr. Maskell For That

the cowl + bandages just looks so good i don’t know what to say. that’s a Look right there. the eye makeup? the hair? The Bandages and Cowl? I’m sorry who says this is not a handsome boy?

he looks amzing

puppet!gwyn constantly looks like he’s got one eyebrow raised thanks to how the eye area is carved

i want to know how Ursus thought he wasn’t going to wind up with a couple of the most dramatic chidlren on the earth like when did he think there was a chance they wouldn’t both turn out Dramatic

high note hazlit has arrived

i wish that in the Osric Raises Gwyn au there was some way for Osric to meet like Ghost!Hazlit or i don’t even know but. they need. to meet each other.

Osric’s got vibes and i don’t know what they are but they’re so powerful and they move me to intense affection

it’s Ridiculously Tall-looking Gwyn time. he goes to stand up straight and keeps on Extending

he really just keeps his eyes on the puppet at all times tho

“your little hat can find out what it means” i know he said ‘heart’ but he said ‘hat’ gwyn needs a hat send tweet

book gwyn got to have a hat

don’t worry gwynlit osric’s gonna take care of that in the au

dea’s so cute

so when Ursus says “for certain, it would be no man” is that like a heads-up that they changed the wolf’s name bc now it isn’t Homo anymore or

it’s 3am now and im only 20 minutes in help me dea

forearms

the “No” “Yes, yes” when Ursus first gives him the Crimson Lethe kills me every single time bro.

how long is this post do i need to shut up yet

i’ve babbled for longer before i think we’re good

And Ursus Gave The Boy A Name. A Cruel Name. A Name That Means “Wow That Debilitating Wound Carved Into Your Actual Face Must Hurt Pretty Bad Huh Kidlet”

arms

still mad about the fact that Ursus mentions “Melt into mist/no longer exist” and Barkilphedro uses those Exact Words

i always assume they’re talkin about going to Murca but i mean technically anywhere could be the ‘new world’ huh

forearm

see the one thing i

when he says “we’ll come back to the place where once we were lost in the snow��� now im thinking about adult!lord!Gwyn revisiting like. the actual place. where it all Happened like. imagine adult!Gwyn going back to the gallows-site and just.

under angelica’s reign it’s probably converted into a memorial instead ofc and is no longer a gallows-site but still

puppet!Dea doesn’t wear shoes

when puppet!Dea first goes “Mojo?” puppet!Gwyn kinda reaches toward her for a sec like he’s Concerned

Dirry-Moir waving at Dea like he’s trying to figure if she really is blind smh

cowl gwyn is such a phenomenal look

GWYN DOES THE FOOT WIGGLE DURING THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST SCENE I JUST NOW NOTICED

HIS FOOT IS ACTUALLY FLAT ON THE GROUND SO INSTEAD OF IT BEING A LITTLE HEEL SHAKE IT’S MORE LIKE A LIL ANKLE TWISTY BUT. !!

puppet!Gwyn fiddles with his shirt/vest a lot

forearm

the lil motion with his head after the Kiss tho rlly does look suspicious like the “twinge (of unspeakable agony)” motion tho

love how Osric just runs along to go with to see the rest of the show like. he’s into it.

[praphit]

Gretel & Hansel: White people, hear me!

I know, I know, some of y'all were hoping that my next review would be Taylor Swift's "Miss Americana". 

I'm sorry to disappoint you. Why and how is she still making movies anyway? I thought that everyone associated with "Cats" had been banned from Hollywood.

Now, it WOULD be cool, if Taylor got involved in Horror. I'm thinking that a bunch of horror monsters could get together to track her down; kinda like a contest. They would, you know... do their thing to her, and then bring her back from the dead in the sequel, and repeat the process. Every now and then, they could throw in Justin Bieber or someone else with his same level of annoyance. BOOM! Franchise! So, donate to Praphit Productions (millions), so I can make that happen. I'll just CG Taylor Swift in, if I have to; I'm sure she'd be ok with that.

Just picture Jason Voorhees or Kanye West chasing her.

No, people, I'm here to talk to y'all about Hansel & Gretel!

No, no, no, I'm sorry! "Gretel and Hansel!"

I almost forgot about that blow up in their studio. Y'all remember that?

Sophia Lillis' (who plays Gretel - SHE’S GREAT IN THIS-BTW) first day on the set was raw! 

She walked up to the director and was like "Bleep this bleep! Who is Hansel? Who the bleep is he?! No one knows that actor! What is he, like 5 years old? Bleep him! How is his name first?! So, a woman can't lead a man, huh??! It's always gotta be Hansel first, right?! And what always happens?! That witch bitch always tries to eat them! Bleep that! Y'all know who I is! I'm Sophia bleeping Lillis! I was in "It" one AND two. What has "Sammy Leakey" (playing Hansel) been in??!

Not a damned thing! I want my name first! You will put it first or so help me God, I will UNLEASH THE FURY!"

Director (Oz Perkins): "I actually like that idea"

SL: "I don't give a bleep what you like! Just make it happen!" 

Then, she went to her trailer, and when she came back out, it was "Gretel & Hansel".

(Hansel’s not even in the shot. Lillis was too raw for him.)

Let's see if Gretel fairs better in this story, now that she's getting the chance to lead.

We all know this Brothers Grimm story. There's a family (I don't know what Gretel & Hansel's last name is... we'll just say "Shakur"). So, the Shakur Family was struck by a famine in the land. Stuff happens, and G & H end up off on their own, in the woods, and eventually meet up with a witch, who later tries to eat them.

White people, hear me! Are you listening? STOP GOING INTO THE WOODS! Seriously, STOP! I'm trying to save you. Black people know better, but y'all... smh. I know y'all like to go hiking, and camping, and taking selfies on mountain tops and shit, but PLEASE... STOP! Nothing good is waiting for you out there!

Quit going into the woods to get footage of alleged monsters/spirits. Quit going into the woods to spend the night in cabins. Quit going into the woods to party on the anniversary of the night that 12 people were mysteriously murdered in those same woods. STOP!

JUST STOP! DAMN!

Some of you might be thinking, "Well maybe Gretel will make it. Maybe now that she's leading the duo, things will be different." Nope, she's white... *sigh* so we all know what she and Hansel did...  went right into the woods.

This movie is mainly from Gretel's perspective. Right from the jump, we see Gretel being pimped out by her mama. Gretel of course declines to become a professional hoe, but when she comes back to her mama for a possible different direction in life, Mama is like "Would it have killed you to get on your knees for your family?! We're starving!"

I know - Mom of the Year.

Dad isn't even around. I may have missed something, but I don't remember where he was, or if maybe he ran away, a long time ago. One of those "Daddy went to get a pack of cigs, and never came back" scenarios. He may be off in a land flowing with Big Macs and Fries, Idk. Or maybe, being that his "selfish" daughter wouldn't put-out, he decided to get to work on the corner himself. Who knows where he was in this movie??

Gretel was def tough though. And she loved her brother! She was very protective of him. There is a scene where there's some sort of vampire creature chasing down Hansel, and Gretel stands up to the creature. That's the type of character that she is in this movie. She's smart, tough, and though sometimes hard on her bro, she loves him very much.

Hansel on the other hand is annoying as shit. And Dumb! Man, is he dumb! I'm surprised that we never see Gretel slap him. But, she is always able to compose herself in the midst of her annoying brother, and keep the journey going. She even calms him down at one point with some drugs. They end up eating some shrooms on their trip. Now, THAT'S love, people! Seeing someone in need of calming the bleep down, and offering them some good shit. What's a road trip without a moment when the group gets high??

There's a Lando-looking character that they meet along the way. 

He doesn't have much of a role in this movie. I'm not saying it's because he's black, BUT he's a fascinating, noble character, who's black and barely in the movie. And they do not trust him at all. I'm not saying it's because he's black... you know what?? - YES! Yes I am saying that!

He saves their lives, offers them food and shelter, and gives them specific instructions that will keep them safe. But, after that (the only character so far that has had G & H's best interests in mind), Gretel immediately questions his motives. White women, hear me! If a black man willingly sticks out his neck for you, IN THE DARKNESS, in order to save YOUR life, that's a man that you can trust. Cuz we (black men) all know, that if we try to save a white woman out in public (even if we succeed), there's a good chance that the cops will still swing by to shoot us. They're thinking just like Gretel is in this movie - "I know it LOOKS like they saved her, but... can we really trust him? - let's shoot him just in case." Granted, this Landoish character sends them off (again with instructions for their safety). They had no quarrels about leaving (and quickly).

So, they runaway from the compassionate black man, who just saved them, and they meet an old lady (the witch) who has black fingers, and house smells a lil like death... and they say to themselves "Let's sleep here!" Ain't that some shit??! 

White people, HEAR ME!

STOP!

They don't even question her black fingers, they just let her handle their food. I question people of whom I don't know, with normal fingers, handling my food, but... I guess that's just me.

Then, the rest of the story is legend.

The production design in this movie is absolutely amazing! If this film had no dialogue, and was just silent, it still would have been a beautiful movie (despite the cannibalism:)

The plot, I felt, was secondary to the cinematography.

Some of you might say, "Well that's nice and all, but is the movie scary? Does the witch, at some point, rev-up a chainsaw, and chase the two kids around her house?" No. "Ok, but does the movie, at some point, have little, pale Asian kids making creepy noises at H & G while they're trying to sleep?" NO! "Yeah, but is there some sort of human centipede action happening in the basement of the witch, and she tries to..."

NO! NO! HELL NO! What's wrong with y'all?!

No, none of that. The story that The Brothers Grimm have painted is horrifying enough. Famine and crappy parenting, leading to witch who wants to eat you... I'd say that's all that's required; the director knows this.

They don't need to use any gimmicks, just the same story (pretty much), a lil dark magic, the mentioned cinematography, and well-placed spooky music keep the movie in a consistent place of dread.

I think RT got this one wrong (59%). I don't have much bad to speak of, concerning this movie. I can't give it an A grade, due to it being a copy of a story that we've seen copied many times before. Plus, there are some ending issues I have with it, that I'll get to in a sec. BUT, this film is a hell of a B grade :)

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WARNED YOU!

A few things:

Soooooo, Gretel has some sort of connection to the witch that is never explained. Apparently, she has within her, the same powers as the witch.

She ends up sending her bro off to Lord knows where. She sends him off on a horse that she says she SPOKE TO, and he (the horse) will get Hansel there (where? who knows??) safely. So, she's talking the animals now?? When did she pick-up that skill? And where the bleep did she even get a horse?

There's some super grease that her and the witch use to do magic, that is never explained.

Now, none of this took away from my enjoyment of the film, but... still though.

There's a message of false empowerment at the end. Like I said, she abandons her brother, so that she can... fulfill her destiny or something. She has dark magic in her, but she is convinced that she'll use it for good. Like I said, Gretel is a SMART character... what happened to all of that smart? It's like saying "Hey, I have this STD, but instead of tending to it, I'm going to use my STD for good. It's going to be hard, but I've gotta be strong."

WHAT?!

I said "false empowerment". The movie isn't painting a picture of this being a good thing, but the "false" part is subtle enough to where people could walk away thinking it's an empowering message.

You abandoned your brother to become a witch! But, maybe I'm not being fair. Perhaps Gretel will be just fine. Throughout the history of human beings, we've had many people who were in power, and who thought that not allowing their power to be checked was the brave and noble thing to do. I think those times in history all worked out well right??

I could have added some pics to accentuate my last statement, but I feel it might have been a little too real:)

So, instead I'll leave y'all with this slightly less horrifying pic

... and bid you adieu.

STAY OUT OF THE WOODS!

[rawinternets]

Star Wars Episode 2: A rediscovery

OK... at this point, I’ve reviewed in series: 

Rogue One Ep4: A New Hope Ep5: Empire Strikes Back Ep1: Phantom Menace

And boy, I am not excited for Episode 2. Still, I’m ready to give it a chance. 

What happens when I do this is, I watch a movie that improves upon the effort in Episode 1. You can sense here that George Lucas took a lot of the criticisms to heart, maybe even ceded some control to others whom he trusts. Jar Jar is significantly toned down, the spectacle is there but the mystery and darkness is turned up a bit. 

Still, we have a mostly flat movie. Only one “9″ scene and really it’s just the visuals, which have always been Star Wars’s strength. And, we are introduced to George Lucas’s Awkward Teenager Fantasy of a Space Romance (tm) featuring a horribly directed Hayden Christensen and a bewilderingly amenable Natalie Portman. Like, at no time at all in this movie does it make sense that Padme should be falling for this petulant, whiny, and kind of creepy kid... unless we simply assume that she kind of sucks, too. 

Despite John Williams again trying to save the day (and this romance) with a score that soars to beauteous heights with Across the Stars, the film definitely fails here. The infamous “sand” line, etc etc etc all to come. 

Lastly, we get an incredibly hokey and just inexcusably bad Gladiator style setpiece. 1′s and 2′s abound. The end result is a film that kind of flops on the main plot points and otherwise just plods the prequel plots forward, setting up an ep3 that might well have been made into three movies since it’s the only prequel that is interesting or ties to the originals in any satisfactory way. 

On to the scores. 

Average score: 5.48 Standard deviation: 2.07

Scroll. 7. This whole scroll made me say, “I guess...” Like, fine, I guess Count Dooku is a necessary new Sith character. I guess the Republic needs to create an army to help the Jedi... None of it makes me that excited. Appropriate omen for the rest of the movie. 

Approaching Coruscant. 6. Very pretty ship. Very pretty cloudy day on Coruscant. Terrorist attack! Holy shit! Hollywood dramatic death of the decoy getting killed, bad directing/acting by Amidala. I wrote, “woof.” talk about botching an interesting idea. 

Palpatine and Jedi. 7. More expository scenes here. “Dooku was behind it.” Sure, whatever. Keep republic together, sure, whatever. Yoda is fine. Samuel L is bad (must be the directing...). Palpatine scheming is just sort of Meh. 

Obiwan and Anakin. 8. Not too bad, to be honest. Ewan does well, he’s turning up his “Alec Guinness” knobs quite well. 

Jarjar / Padme, re-meet Anakin. 7. Damn, Amidala friendzones Anakin immediately. Anakin less good in this scene vs. with Obiwan. But the tension here actually makes sense.  I wrote, “I’m OK with it.” Jarjar, man. Boo. 

Worm assassination attempt, city chase. 6. This was supposed to be a big sexy setpiece and I was not loving it. Pretty imagery - very bladerunner - but Anakin’s “not another lecture” and subsequent arrogance during the chase scene means I really can’t understand how the Jedi didn’t see this coming. He’s a total prick. On top of that, one basejump from a speeder down 500 feet to another moving speeder *might* have been excusable, but two? And Obiwan catching a lightsaber out of nowhere? Plus, we get bad alien cutscenes. They go to a bar and there’s robot football on in the background, and that’s just a SMH / facepalm type stupid easter egg. Wasn’t into the cigarettes / “death sticks” line that much either. Anakin as a detective is a “meh.” Just... lots of falling flat going on here. 

Jedi Council and Palpatine. 8. Obiwan tracks down the bountyhunter-assassin and Anakin gets to guard the Senator. So, I actually think this is starting to set up Anakin’s turn pretty well. Palpatine is subtly sowing confusion, discord in Anakin’s mind. The council shows serious flaws in trying to spy on Palpatine via Anakin. Palpatine can appeal to Anakin’s ego. Again, the Jedi really were pretty stupid, which I guess we just have to believe (and call-forward to Episode 8, Luke’s POV). 

Jarjar becomes senator. 3. Copy-pasting my notes: “bad. why is anakin monologuing? padme is just sitting there. anakin temper tantruming for no reason. anakin a little rapey.”

Refugees. 3. I skipped over this scene accidentally and that would have been appropriate. Anakin and Padme stilted banter is bad. “At least we have R2! ha, ha, ha!” Good music (as always, JW). 

Diner. 5. Obiwan goes to see an “old friend.” They give a big alien a mustache and have him talk like a Chicago line cook. Gimme a big “meh!” Gotta go to the outer rim to meet some cloners. hurray. 

Library. 7. Jedi archivist arrogance. The mystery deepens - no system is there where the cloners are supposed to be! zomg. But this is all fine, and almost decent with deepening the mystery. 

Padme and Anakin refugee dinner. 7. Kind of as painful as watching someone’s first date at a bar while waiting for a friend. “Attachment is forbidden but we’re encouraged to love unconditionally” and a bunch of other hoke. Anakin is persistent. Still, not a bad scene. 

Jedi training w/ Yoda. 7. A little hokey how Yoda asks the padawan kids to guess at why there’s no system in the archives. A bad yoda chin scratch. A little hokey, but good. 

Back on Naboo. 4. Good music. Dialogue between Anakin and Padme continues to be pretty rough. “Keep our faith in the republic.” More politics. Lake country. Anakin and Padme tension is dumb. 

Camino. 7. Bad name, cool scene. Good mystery unfolding... why is Obi-Wan expected? What are all these soldiers doing here, who ordered them, what’s going on? Kind of clunky revealing dialogue and the CGI is a bit out of hand but also decently cool. I wrote: “I’m OK with the secret army storyline.” 

Lake country on Naboo. 2-6.  Padme is smoking hot. Beautiful scenes here, but then we get this gem: "I don't like sand. it's coarse, rough, irritating... gets everywhere. Here, everything's soft and smooth." Anakin is such a douche. Padme lets him kiss her, but why? Not sure i'm buying this shit. Love song (Across the Stars) is amazing. Beautiful waterfall. But then they dissect their first kiss. mehhhhh. Let's talk politics at a picnic? No. "Make people agree." Anakin is authoritarian and sort of evil. How could she fall in love with this dude? Then he surfs a cow. No. Now they’re rolling around in the grass. No. No thanks.

Django and Boba on Camino. 8. One of the better and subtler scenes maybe in the whole series for acting. Obi-wan and Django do a great job of dancing around each other verbally while sizing each other up. 

Anakin-Padme Dinner / Wooing. 3. God, I wish I didn’t have so much to say about this tripe, but I do. I guess i'm fine with wooing Padme with Jedi tricks... But I still don't really buy the love story. And now we get lines like: "I'm in agony. the closer I get the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you." Suuuuuper creepy. “Haunted by the kiss you should have never given me.” “You are in my very soul tormenting me.” Honestly! This is like The Room. "THEN YOU DO FEEL SOMETHING!!!" Just a bad scene overall. Now Anakin is getting nightmares. "Your presence is soothing." Meh. Natalie Portman - did I mention she’s smoking hot? Anakin's mother is suffering in his nightmares, so he’s leaving to help her. Padme will go with him!? what the fuck. Bad lines too. Also callback to Luke leaving to help Han and Leia... I don’t know. Bad.

“Collect call.” 7. I believe this is the scene where Obi-Wan calls back to the council and Yoda or Samuel L. says their powers are diminished for not being able to see the creation of this clone army. Decent plotline, OK. 

Django Fett vs. Obi-wan fight. 6. Decent. Too much ledge-hanging and Jedi are too super-duper-heroey. Tracking Django is fine but looked hokey. 

Tatooine. 4. A fancy ship lands at Mos Eisley... man, they’re really going back to this well a lot. We see the stupid slave owner bug guy again and long story short, Anakin’s mom has been taken by the Tuskan Raiders. Time to kill some things. 

Obi-wan tracks Django. 6. Asteroid field again. Depth charges again. Supposed to be a good action setpiece but I’m distracted because there’s not supposed to be any cool noises in space. Fine with Obi-wan faking his death to avoid Django. Very pretty scenery and Obi-wan sneaks around some. Whatever. 

Anakin on the mother hunt. 1-7. Clever shadow of Anakin-as-Darth on the side of the building. Back to good music from Ep1. Finds his mom, and we’re back to bad dialogue. “Ani? Ani? Ani? Ani?” ... should feel something here, and don’t. The actor chemistry is just so bad, and I blame George. Still, Anakin going HAM is a good slip to the dark side. Hebrings his mom back dead, and proceeds to monologue shittily to Padme. "Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things. I'm good at fixing things.” Awful. “Why'd she have to die? Why couldn't i save her? I know I could have?” what the FUCK. Terrrrrrrrrible. "I killed them. I killed them all." "I'm a jedi, I know I'm better than this." OK, finally at the very end as he breaks down, some sort of decent turn in this scene.

Count Dooku. 4. Jesus, how long is this movie? We get a random weirdo trying to create a new treaty with the trade federation to oppose the Republic. TWIST! This is what the rebellion does, but they’re somehow good! Sigh. 

Yoda and Windu. 4. “Pain, suffering. Young Skywalker is in pain.” Whatever. 

Funeral, message. 4. Here’s what I wrote and I remember none of this: “Clete is fine. Not really buying the whole anakin thing with mom. anakin stay where you are and protect the senator! padme is a mess too.”

Senator scheming. 5. So blatant. Sometimes this plotline is really well done and sometimes is sucks. Could have given this a 3-5. 

Dooku and Obi-wan. 7. OK, we have an exposition-y scene where Dooku tries to recruit Obi-wan to his side. This scene saved by two very good actors giving a good performance. 

Jar Jar in Senate. 2. The worst thing the franchise ever did gets to deliver the vote that gives Chancellor supreme powers. Jar Jar is a f***in’ tw*t. And Chancellor creates the Grand Army of the Republic. 

Padme and Anakin on planet. 1.  Oh, right. Anakin was going to go find Obi-wan or some shit. Padme saving the day with her senate powers! mehhhhhh. C3PO and R2 engage in dumb banter, but not as bad as jarjar. We’re now on some kind of shop floor ... that’s a No. Padme is now running through stampers. No. Bad. Dumb. No. Anakin also dumb. No. bad. My reviewing devolves into 2-year-old level angry language. We see machines making machines. C3PO hangs off a ledge. R2 flies around... come on. Wow, this is so bad. Padme falls into a fucking steel boiler. NO. NO NO NO. Anakin’s lightsaber is cut in half and we get a terrible "Obi-wan's gonna kill me." BOOOOO. And now droids and the fucking bountyhunter show up. God, that was worthless. 

Padme and Anakin pre-Gladiator. 2.  Anakin gets to deliver this gem: “I’ve been dying each day since you came back into my life. I love you.” I don't feel this makes any sense. Except I guess it’s clear now, as i said at the beginning of the review, that Padme kinda sucks. “I truly deeply love you.” Why?

Gladiator Death Battle. 1. HOW LONG IS THIS MOVIE? Also: GOD, THIS IS HORRIBLE. The only good part is Obi-wan with some sarcasm, otherwise we have unnecessary zerg monsters and midriff-revealing claw slashes and general dumb gladiatorial action. The “bad feeling” line was terrible, worst of the series. And where did Padme get her fucking keys? 

Jedi save the day. 3. The Jedi look very hokey and stupid, to be honest, and they don’t look like very good fighters at the end of the day. Scores 3 for light sabers but otherwise it’s a 1 or 2 scene. What’s the end game here? Get surrounded and killed? Django vs. Mace Windu who cares. We get terrible Anakin and Padme cheesing, terrible C3PO humor, bad Jedi vs. Droids action, just all around shit. 

Clones save the day. 5.  Yoda arrives with clones to save the day. At least the plotline is somewhat nuanced - who is fighting who, who is good and who is not. This ambiguity is good. But nobody wanted to kill Dooku until he was already escaped? Sort of mediocre action. Soundtrack just sounds like the matrix. Why is yoda so into the fighting? He’s trying to protect the Republic, which he knows is eroded. The jedi sure fucked up.

Death Star Plans? 5. So having seen Rogue One, this doesn’t make any sense at all (continuity errors!) ... but the DS was actually a design from the Trade Federation, apparently? Not into this. George Lucas sucks and Dooku sucks. 

Dooku Chase. 7. God, I can’t wait for this to be over (the movie and the review). Padme falls out of the transport - OK. Obi-wan and Anakin argue and it’s good. Finally some good acting out of this guy. 

Dooku fight. 7-9. Notwithstanding that Dooku seems like a very unnecessary character, this climax is decent. Anakin’s an idiot apparently, and force lightning is apparently a big sith weapon. OK light saber fighting until double-lightsaber fighting, at which point it’s hard to follow the action. George is too busy focusing in on faces. And Yoda shows up. Huzzah. Fun to watch him with the light saber, maybe a bit too much spining around and Yoda ParkourTM, but why is he shouting? Aren’t Jedi supposed to stay calm? What happened to the Quigon meditation approach? Dooku esacpes. bleh. 

Dooku Sidious meeting. 8. It’s all going to plan, yes, yes. Who the fk is Lord Tyranus? Very good music. War has begun, cool. All to Sidious’s plan, no surprise. 

Yoda and Windu. 7.  "Victory you say? Not victory. The shroud of the dark side has fallen. Begun the clone war has." Meh. 

Clone Deploy. 9. The visuals of Star Destroyers lifting off and a huge army deploying is pretty cool. This is the highlight of this movie, which is sad. 

Secret Marriage on Naboo. 7. Very pretty shot, no dialogue is good, anakin has a fake arm, bad kissing. definitely not an “8″. 

Credits. 6. The tone of the ending music (traditional theme) is too upbeat. Should have taken a page (pre-emptively) from Rogue One’s book and used a quiet, somber theme. Gets there after a minute or so. Bleh. So glad this is over. 

VERDICT

Not memorable, not unique, and basically a handful of scenes could have done the job here instead of what felt like 5 hours of filler. Happy to forget this movie ever happened. It grades out on the histogram as mostly 7′s and an even distribution around 4 or 5, but really, the 7′s were often due to boredom or “meh” type scores. Very flat movie in experience, with only downside and very little upside. 

REVIEW LINKS:

Introduction: Star Wars, a rediscovery.

Rogue One: 6.92 / 10.00 (stdev 2.06).

Episode 4: A New Hope. 8.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.34).

Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back. 8.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.29).

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. 5.00 / 10.00 (stdev 2.08). But probably worse than that, actually.

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones. 5.48 / 10.00 (stdev 2.07).

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. 7.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.77).

Episode 6: Return of the Jedi. 7.90 / 10.00 (stdev 1.91).

Episode 7: The Force Awakens. 6.57 / 10.00 (stdev 2.01).

Episode 8: The Last Jedi. 6.31 / 10.00 (stdev 1.89).

Verdict: Star Wars, A rediscovery.

[xobabygirlhemingway]

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Currently I’m sitting on my old roommates bed in my dorm that is now to myself. Because this dumb foreign bitch who is only spending a semester here from South Korea thinks she can test me. Don’t ever take pics of my side of the room and my personal shit mocking my lack of organization due to the fact I’m a messy depressed sloth. Tf hoe. And also don’t tell me I can’t have guys over IN MY BED. You mad I’m pulling niggas and you're not. You’re not my mom. Don’t text me and tell me to clean my side. This is college I have other shit on my agenda to worry about. And this bitch thought she could play me. LOL. Hoe. You a whole snitch. This 23 year old uptight goody ass bitch that offered to buy my underage ass beer dug through my trash and put my friends and I’s used plastic shot cups in a ziplock bag and turned it into the front desk literally 2 days after I moved in. What tf they gone do? Test it for alcohol and fingerprint it? I think the fuck not. The fact she was so proud when they didn’t care and just threw that shit out is a whole joke. Thank god I go to a ghetto ass college where the RA’s are cool. When my friend Z tried to fight a hoe for gossiping around campus talking shit RA’s at the front desk said “As long as it’s not on campus.” Also sidenote- don’t come to college on some petty ass high school shit. Ain nobody on that fuck shit. Three weeks in and I’ve already gained and lost friends because snakes go with the grass I cut. Anyways, now I have no roommate cause the little snitch bitch had to move out because I almost fought her, she had to bring our RA B to come help her move out because she was so scared. Cussed her ass out right in front of our RA. Zero fucks given. Good riddance. Also thank god the snitch was unaware of my bottles and bong on lock. Everyone here already knows me as the plug for bottles because I always got bottles. Courtesy of Walmart, and my big ass purse I steal them with. Somebody call Kodak and let him know I’m the real Finesse Kid. I’m still recovering from last night. What happened last night you ask? Woke up, beat my face, spent the last of my money at Walmart on notebooks, a rug and flowers for my dorm, and fabrics, etc. for a lingerie line my friend Z and I are planning to start. Time to get a job! Seriously considering becoming a stripper with Z. Yes, we signed up for pole dancing classes for tomorrow I guess we’ll see if we actually go through with it or not depending if we can find a bus there and back. Anyways, when we arrived back to the dorms from Walmart (after getting stranded and having Z’s ex fuck buddy’s friend covered in satanic looking ass Tatts pick us up because we missed the last bus back) we got dressed real cute to go to a hookah bar and invited our friend Kodak. His name Ain really Kodak but I call him Kodak because he looks like Kodak. Who we are all friends but I just found out likes me. I can only be friends and get along with guys fr but then they have to always go and catch feelings. The struggle is real. Anyways, we start walking to the hookah bar because it’s real close to campus downtown and on the way Kodak runs into one of his friends who decides to tag along. In a sketchy dark back alley Z changed out of her leggings and coat because it was cold into her cute outfit ready to make an entrance. Kodak and his friend waited for us in the parking lot. This drunk white guy with dreads creeps up behind Kodak’s friend who was ready to swing just to scare him. He apologizes for his dumbassery and we make our entrance into the hookah bar. We sit down and order our hookah and as we wait, the same white guy with the dreads walks up to us from the bar. He apologizes and introduces himself as a tattoo artist and offers to buy us all Henny shots. Hell yeah. He brings us the shots and when we all take them, a worker comes up to us and kicks us out for underage drinking (they marked our hands with x’s) when we just arrived and didn’t even get a chance to do what we came to do. Chill and smoke hookah. So we leave and say fuck it and go on the hunt for a party because it’s Saturday night and we’re in college so there’s bound to be a party. We heard about a party at The E (apartment complex of mostly college kids) without knowing the room. And also a party at a frat house. Last frat party we went to was a complete disappointment and groups of people we kept passing kept saying The E was the move. So you know damn well we went to The E. And let me tell you, The E was poppin. You walk in that bitch and you see drunk girls falling everywhere, fine niggas in flocks, hear music blasting. The first party we go to was alright. My girl Z was the only one throwing it back. And these prissy blonde little hoes with no ass wanna give judgmental looks because they can’t throw it back even if they wanted to. So we left the party on the 2nd floor for the party on the 4th floor. The second we exited the staircase onto the 4th floor because the elevators were packed was like the stairway into heaven. Music was blasting, drunk bitches were tumbling past, and there was a whole ass crowd waiting outside this one room. First thought was fuck this shit, but it was known there was a lit ass party in that room. And we had to be in there. We pushed past and as soon as we entered, we were apart of the best party I’ve been to ever. You see guys with their shirts off, niggas smoking on that loud, girls twerking on guys, throwing ass everywhere. This drunk girl got on the table and started yelling. You know, the shit you see in movies. And in that moment, we knew, we were the only practically sober ones there. We find our friend T and sit with her on the couch. Kodak’s friend stayed at the last party which wasn’t shit compared to this one, so his loss. Kodak sat on the couch arm chair and I was on the end with him, with him looking like he my man. I looked fly as fuck; rhinestone choker, off the shoulder black bodysuit, $60 ripped jeans with my face beat. Looking like a whole snack. And a full course meal. I recognize from across the room this guy Z and I met with his friend on campus whom we exchanged snapchats with. He goes by Chop (I’ll say that since it’s not his real name and use first letters for everyone who got a real name tf) and he been hitting on me on the snap. I knew he lived at The E with his friend L. I pointed him out to Z and she called him over with his dreads, tattoos, and grills. He leaned over and said something to him then he approached me. (Later I found out she told him I wanted him and he didn’t even recognize me or realize who it was smh) he starts talking to me and points out I look sober as fuck which was an unfortunate fact. He goes to grab me a drink and comes back with a plastic cup and I down that shit the second he hands it to me. Okay. I know. Before you point out how stupid I am, I know not to take drinks from guys. But I was in a fuck it mood. Which typically is the cause of my many mistakes and reasons for sticky situations. I handed the cup back to him and he turned it upside down to make sure I finished that shit. Z was sitting next to me and asked if I took that drink and pointed out that he made sure I finished it and how sketchy that looked and that he probably slipped me some shit. Z turns to T to tell T, then tells Kodak (we all still chilling on the couch). They’re all asking me why I took it and I’m sitting there like fuck. I tell them no matter what, to stay with me at all times and make sure we leave together so nothing happens to me in case this nigga tried to date rape me or some shit. And they were making me all paranoid. With that established and the fact there was nothing we could do because I already drank whatever the fuck he gave me, and the party was still lit we got up and started dancing. T was grinding, Z was twerking. Z got down on the floor and started twerking and got the whole parties attention everyone was recording that shit. I remember it hitting me fast and I felt super fucked up. When I first got to this party I saw Q (fine light skin) and tapped him on the shoulder to make my cute ass known. Back story about my history with Q: Z met Q on the app for our college so she invited him to hang with us. She went back home for the weekend leaving us alone together mid-hangout so we went and hotboxed his car. He called me pretty, said my skin was soft, and I sang him Love Galore in his car. He drove my high ass to Taco Bell, God bless. Tried to get me to come back to his room but instead I went to bed in my room, parting ways. A few days later Z was making me third wheel with her and B (her ex complicated boy fling) and we were bored and decided to go to the movies. Z dragged me down the guys floor hall and knocked on Q’s door for me to invite him. He agreed and came with us as an awkward unofficial double date. And by awkward I mean Z and B were hardcore making out and B was grabbing all over Z’s ass she was practically on top of him the entire movie. When I was just sitting next to Q and we were awkwardly watching the movie with zero contact. The most contact that went down is when I put my head on his shoulder during the end credits to see a funny video he was watching on his phone. BUT WAIT BACK UP!- upon entrance to the movies when we were buying our tickets Q patted his pockets and looked at me and went, “You paying?” TOTAL DICK MOVE. His excuse was, “But you invited me.” Nigga no. Then I’ll uninvite you tf. I was highkey salty at him the entire movie. And yes, I ended up paying for his expensive ass $10 ticket with my poor ass that I can never afford again and that is $10 I will never see again. Z told me stop talking to him, and I agree my standards should never be that low. What a total and complete douche. Not the same guy I met on the first night. Fast forward to two days before the party and Q almost fought with M. M is my unofficial boyfriend. Not my boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him (yes I came to college a virgin) and he’s the only guy I’ve been with, and between us let’s just say we’ve fucked a lot since then. Q and M almost fought because M knew I hung with Q and was being a jealous immature little boy and sending me snapchat videos of Q off guard in class making fun of him. It annoyed me what M was doing so I told Q and then Q started roasting tf out of M to me via text. There was tension and long story short shit almost went down but it didn't. (”You have niggas fighting over you!” -Z) Anyways, back to the party. My fucked up ass set on a mission to find Q at this party knowing he was here. I found him by the kitchen standing there just staring at the crowd looking like he was having no fun. I walked up to him not giving a single fuck this psychotic bitch I was best friends with the first two weeks of college was dancing right next to him with her new friends. I remember throwing my arms around him, being all up on him, putting his arms around me. I was a mess. Yikes. No matter how fucked up, he will never deserve me after that dick move he pulled. I barely remember this night and the order of events that happened next so bare with me. I remember turning up. Leaving, coming back, Z teaching me to throw it back at the bottom of the stairs before going back again. Then we left. Z took off her heels because her feet hurt and stepped on broken glass as we were walking down the steps outside. We sat on benches as she tried to pick it out, while she was doing that for some reason my stupid fucked up ass decided to call M. Honestly I don’t even remember what I was saying but according to Z, it was bad. I brought up Q, and was talking about other guys and Z told me M has feelings for me - which he has yet to confess to me but in the meantime proves I am a total and complete piece of shit. While on the phone with M, me paying no attention to him even though he was on the line different groups of guys kept approaching me and talking to me and asking for my snapchat. I have so many snapchat adds from guys that night, who knows whos who. Because I sure don’t. We ended up walking back to campus with the last group of guys that approached us. I remember one guy trying to come onto me hard and this white guy with a speech impediment telling me how good his plug was and showing me pictures of weed trying to get with me unaware how unattracted I am to white boys. I remember meeting up with my drunk friend A in front of the dining hall on campus who came from the frat party which apparently was crazy lit too, to go back to the party I just came from at The E, but then we heard word that all parties were shut down by the police because they were too lit. Which explained the cops coming up the stairs as Z and I were leaving (perfect timing). The girls (Z, A & I) and Kodak (who lives in the same dorm building as us) decided to go back to our dorms. The guys we were walking with tried to come back to our rooms and kept trying to get us to sign them in but we were like BOY BYE and ditched them at the door. Kodak and Z went to bed, A and I made our way to the basement and ate other peoples food from the public fridge (I know, I’m horrible).  Then I remember eventually making it to my room and crashing. I forgot to mention I was sweating bullets and was hot as fuck. All I wanted to do was party, hell I was even trying to twerk which doesn’t ever happen with my self-conscious petite ass. And I kept trying to go back to the party. Z said he definitely slipped me some shit and I heard word it was Molly. The world may never know. But no way was that just alcohol. Everything was a blur including this morning. And at least he didn’t date rape me. I did think it was weird he slipped me shit then ditched me. When I messaged him on snap that night after I left the party making it known it was me he kept trying to get me to come back and saying he would come pick me up which is weird. I passed. Moral of the story is, don’t take drinks from guys with grills. Or any guys for that matter. I slept until 3 pm today and Z and I were exhausted as fuck still recovering from last night. Today we walked around the hood, and came back to eat and crash. I’m sitting in bed ready to finish this so I can crash because holy shit I’m so exhausted. I have classes tomorrow I NEED TO GO TO. Three weeks into college (forgot to mention I’m a freshman and I’m 18) and I’ve only been to one class. I know it’s bad. My depression has just been really taking a toll. But I’m trying to not let it be the fall of me. I’m making it a priority to go tomorrow and from now on out. It’s going to be interesting to see ho I manage sewing in my Apparel Production class with these long ass acrylic nails. (I’m a fashion major btw). That’s my first class of the day that goes from like 10:30 am to 1 pm then I have Communications which I forget what time. Anyways, I’ll be there. And I know I’m fucked because I’m so behind. I have to be up early to beat my face and get breakfast & Starbucks with Z before class. After classes we have our pole dancing intro class which I’m interested to see if we actually go through attending or not. Then later M is coming over one last time. He’s in the army and I just found out he’s going to Florida to help with the hurricane for two months. Two fucking months. So much for a relationship. He wants me to wait for him. But it don’t be like that. This isn’t a relationship, I don’t know you and you barely know me. You took my virginity and we’ve been sleeping together and laying up in bed since. I only briefly mentioned my mom’s husbands abuse once. And he thinks he knows me. He likes me but doesn’t talk to me and gets jealous and acts like we’re in a relationship but doesn’t get to know me or tell me about himself nor does he ask. I’m not the same person I was a week ago, who knows what kind of change will occur in two months. I met M at college orientation a month before college. I approached him because I liked his tattoos (ITS ALWAYS THE TATTOOS THAT GET ME!!). The girl I used to be friends with the first two weeks of college called him over at the basketball court saying I was interested but too scared to talk to him. (not scared, just awkward. Plus he was in the middle of a game) he ended up asking for my number and things went from there. I’ve made it known I’m single though.  He hasn’t even attempted to cuff me fr so that’s on him. He doesn’t seem to realize I’m not your typical virgin. Or wasn’t. How am I supposed to do long distance with a guy that won’t even establish what we are. I’ll let him figure it out. However, I’ve had my eyes on this guy I keep running into. First two times on campus and the other two times on the city bus. He has a neck tattoo that’s how I’m always able to tell it’s him. He looks like a cross between Tay-K and YG so you already know whats up. Saw him on the city bus yesterday before that crazy night on my way to Walmart with Z. Z fell asleep next to me on the bus but when I saw him get on I immediately woke Z up. “Why the fuck did you wake me up?” She follows my gaze and, “Ohhh” Best Friend Intuition. “I’m going to go get him for you.” I kept telling her no but you know damn well she did. She gets up and walks down the bus and takes the seat right next to him. “My friend thinks you’re cute but is too scared to talk to you.” She kept trying to wave me over and I kept refusing, they were both staring and I realized now I’m looking stupid so I make my way over and sit in the seat in front of Z, turned towards him. It was mostly Z doing the talking and was honestly awkward for me. But she worked her magic and we followed each other on Instagram. He told me he’d DM me when he got to work (damn he makes a McDonald’s uniform look sexy). Don’t judge me. You’re judging me. But if you saw him you wouldn’t. When we were at Walmart he commented heart eyes on one of my pics then slid in my dm’s and asked for my #. I gave it to him and we’ve been texting. He’s real cute and sweet. Waiting on him to reply though wtf it was going good so him or his phone better be dead. Found out he doesn’t even go to our college but he be here. Probably I’m assuming he knows people. Also found out his name is J (using first initials only!) and he has a neck tattoo in the front center of his neck of a pair of dice and his name and apparently is in a gang and on probation with 4 charges. Okay daddy, I see you. It’s always the bad boys I have hella heart eyes for. If you’re not from the streets, I don’t want you. He looks like trouble, and trouble looks fine as hell. He told me to invite him to the next party here so you already know next weekend is about to be interesting. And he said he wants to chill with me on no fuck nigga shit sounding like a real MAN (M take note) and said I could even invite my friend Z to smoke and drink. So stay tuned because you already know whats up. But for right now, I need to go to bed and make sure I’m up and get to my classes.  It’s almost 1 am which means I should be downing coffee after coffee by breakfast. The life of a girl from the hood in a new hood, in college. 

xo babygirl hemingway