#ana vent

[support]

Everything okay?

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you are not alone.  

If you are in the United States, please try:

National Eating Disorders Association (support, resources, treatment options)

If you are outside the United States, visit IASP to find help lines related to eating disorders for your country. 

For self-help courses on body image and general peer support, please try Koko. 

If you need some inspiration and comfort on your dashboard, follow Post It Forward on Tumblr.

[nailed2urjawbone]

ur daughter is not fine she’s on ed tumblr in 2022.

[elaine404]

I wanna stress starve instead of stress eat

[serendiptiouseri]

It’s just embarrassing how long I’ve been trying to loose weight atp ಠ_ಠ

[yourbabymama1]

This side of tumblr be like talking in Morse code lmfao

4n4 4n0r3x14 pr03d 34t1ng d1s0rd3r m14 4n4m14

[thinm1ntz]

No I dont WANT to be skinny, i NEED to be skinny.

[crackfairy777]

does anybody else want to be really skinny but not like the extreme sickly skinny

-no hate to anybody who is, i’m just saying

[miyaskz]

i cant wait to be skinny enough to wear low rise jeans these are heaven

[little-misss-perfect]

i hate my body in a way that is high-key scary

[dreamy-love111]

If this isn't a reason to recover idk what is I don't want to die from this I am so scared of heart failure. I have the symptoms, I am susceptible to get these deficiencies because I had them before when I was just as sick as I am now behavior wise and I am scared of my heart giving out on me. I haven't eaten a proper meal and purged it since valentine's day.. I couldn't call my parents to inform them about my absence today because I couldn't walk. I feel like an incapable failure. I hate myself for doing this I hate myself for wanting to be thinner. I just want to be normal again but I don't know If I'll ever will or if I'll die before recovery and I don't see myself stopping any time soon. I already got two heart attacks at the age of 19 years old. I feel like I am too far gone. I am so scared. I want to excell at school I want to be ok I want to make friends I want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I want to be sane. I want to simply eat a meal. I warm comforting nutritious meal. without feeling guilty, without purging. I want to be able to work out hard without feeling like I'll pass out. I want to be strong and fit too. That's what I really want but my brain tells me another story. It tells me that I am faking, that I am not thin enough to be sick. two days ago I ate a clementine and I drank 100 ml of organic pomegranate juice so this must mean I am faking. It's true my heart hurts but Maybe that's normal maybe it's just my anxiety. I lost weight too fast but my bmi says I am healthy. I am not sick I am a fraud. I don't feel my legs and I haven't since 8 am it's 10 am right now I am too scared to call for help. I am so scared so so scared :( I want a hug. Have I ever expressed how touch starved I am on here? Yeah I haven't been hugged by anyone lately other than my mom and dad... But I have no friends to talk to about this, other than the really kind people I have met on Ed Tumblr. But I crave contact in the real world too. And I am too afraid to open up. I am so scared. So scared. I think I said it multiple times but that's how scared I am. That's all I think about. I haven't accomplished anything if I die today. The end is very near I think. I am a failure including in this Ed. I am never thin enough. I am never pretty enough. I am never smart enough. I'll never be enough. Yet at the same time I am too much, I feel too much, my thoughts are too much, my fat is too much, my needs are too much. I ask for far too much.

You know I sometimes wish I didn't have a physical body, that I was just a soul wandering around, I want people to see me for who I am on the inside. I want to be loved I want to be seen. And I am not talking about my physical form because in that area I want to be small enough to disappear from sight.

I am a walking paradox. I feel like I confuse people, like I scare them, whenever I share my thoughts people are horrified. They don't understand.

I was bullied during my childhood. I was treated like a fat unlovable Monster. And in the weekends my family members would be concerned and would say remarks about me being overweight, I could never be carefree I was always reminded that I was fat, I was always told I was eating too much, whenever I would try to cut back on food they would treat it like a joke. On top of that I used to eat to comfort myself, whenever I was upset I would eat. Got bullied at school? It's ok I'll go back home and I'll eat and eat and eat. And during the night, if I got a nightmare, I would cry and stuff my face with food. Food has always been there for me. Never judged me. Never bullied me, never abused me. It was the only substance I had. I felt high on the sugar, salt and fats.

I was always compared to my stick thin brother, he always had friends, was sociable, funny, loved by everyone. And I was always jealous, he is very picky with his food so when mom cooks something he doesn't like he puts what he has on his plate in mine when my mom isn't looking, I ate his food too I was his trashcan.

People think I am wasted potential, I am still in highschool, I repeated two years I still live at my parents house. I take my studies seriously but does it mean a thing when I can't stand up? When I can't do the most basic task ever. What we need to do in order to survive. Eat?

I wonder if I never got abused, would I still be this way? I would have never used food to cope, If I never was horribly bullied, if I didn't let people walk all over me because I would have had enough respect for myself to walk away from horrible situations? Would I still be the same person? Would I be in college now? Would I have a loving boyfriend? A group of friends to cherish and love? To do basic things with? Like going to the restaurant? going on walks? Going to parties with? I have never been to a party that wasn't family related. And I am nineteen. How pathetic is that?

I feel like I have a heavy burden I carry with myself at all times, my heart feels heavy. I am in pain physically and emotionally. I feel like a walking corpse. Like I am rotting from the inside.

I do so many things. I draw, I write, I read, I dance, I am good at most sports, I sing... I like learning new things...

Why do I feel so unlikable when I have so many things to talk about? when I have so much love to give? when I help out all my classmates? When I am a good listener?

I give I give I give but I don't get anything in return, don't get me wrong I do not do these things because I want something in return but it would be nice for someone to return the favor for once, to appreciate me, to like me, to love me...

I am at a loss of words.

I can't be the only one that thinks like this, right? Please tell me I am not alone...

~~~~~

Wow I wrote my whole life story while waiting to feel my legs again and stand up. I wanted to say, if you have made it this far... Thank you from the depths of my soul. I am very appreciative and I feel seen, if you feel the same way you can always talk to me, loneliness is horrible and I understand. I truly do, I'll be there for you, I'll listen. Thank you for everything, seeing what I post on here, sharing, commenting. It makes my day and makes me feel less lonely. I wanted to add before you tell me to see a therapist I have a team of doctors taking care of me. I'll be ok hopefully, I got over my PTSD I don't think about my abuse that much, I am medicated for my BPD and ADHD, I rarely have panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I don't feel like used goods anymore I am just struggling w my ed and intrusive thoughts about self harm, I am clean of self harm, I haven't done Xanax, lorazepam or tramadol in a long time too. I don't drink and I don't smoke either. I want someone to be proud of me.

I am sorry my thoughts are all over the place I can't form a coherent thought like ever. My mind is a mess.

I wanted to say that I am really sorry you're struggling just as much if not more than I do. I hope one day we get what we really want, we really do deserve it. We deserve better. You might be in the same boat as me, not ready to recover and that's ok. You'll be ok... I am sending you a virtual hug. The internet can be so great sometimes, you meet people who feel just like you, who think just like you do so you feel less alone.

Have a nice day, thank you.🩷 There's a virtual kiss from me. Love you, take care, drink water, take your vitamins, try to not purge, try to journal, don't forget to do your homework/ what you need to do, clean your room, do your bed if you haven't done it today, go to the bathroom if you haven't in a long time and you felt too depressed to stand up and actually go, take a shower if you couldn't do it today. You got this, I believe in you and I am proud of you for trying today. For pushing through, for giving it your all despite the hardships.

And if you need help doing basic things don't forget to actually text me on here and maybe we can clean our rooms together, do out homework together, update each other on the tasks we need to do. Show each other our completed checklists. We can be productive together. We can do it.

[scarlettesworld]

Oh to be skinnier than the friend that always goes "I eat so much but can't gain weight. I don't know where the food goes"

Even though they only eat once a day

[cantdoana]

Pinning this so I will see it all the time.

This year I will;

- Weigh less than 50kg/110lbs (skinny for my height, I'm tall)

-STAY skinny.

-take good care of my looks. Nails, hair, skin etc.

-exercise almost everyday

-stay on track

-get this done and be a thinspo

-be a size 0

-study properly

-take walks everyday

-at least 10k steps a day

~have a skinny 2023~ 🍓🍓

[nailed2urjawbone]

this eating disorder shit is like a full time job bro. a life style. talk about overworked & underpaid.

[xnastkaxvv]

What u want from Santa?

Me;

⭐

S

SK

SKI

SKIN

SKINN

SKINNY

[insykko]

I wouldnt even know what do do if I looked like that tbh. It fucks me up that some people just come out of the womb looking perfect

[just--wannabeskinny]

i've never hated my body more than i do now