#and Hal’s part is about feeling guilty and not deserving of getting better

[ajaxxx-x]

The Mountain Goats were so good for writing a song about Hal and Carol failed toxic relationship

[so-writing]

Sugar, Honey, Ice and Tea - Matthew Tkachuk (17)

all parts here

-

“Please take these as a gift, from a Flames player, to a very appreciated, supported and loved Flames staffer, my fucking ass,” you said to yourself but brought the bottles into your apartment anyway. 

If Matthew didn’t want to drink the wine and was going to gift it to you with some cheesy note, you were definitely going to help yourself, without thanking him though, because fuck him. 

It was almost noon and you were starving but entirely unwilling to cook yourself something at home so you got dressed and headed out for your favorite little diner. The place was called ‘The Crispy Biscuit’ and you’d been frequenting it since you moved to Calgary. Thirty people in the dining room was pushing capacity but the food was excellent and you never minded waiting to be seated. 

“Good afternoon, dear, haven’t seen you in a little bit,” one of your favorite servers, an older woman with a kind smile named Anna, greeted you warmly, “that hockey team must be keeping you busy!” 

“Hey Anna, they’re doing their best but I’ll always find time to get here.” 

The two of you exchanged pleasant small talk as she lead you to your table. Lucky for you, it wasn’t busy and you were able to be seated immediately. 

“Unsweet tea with two lemons?” 

“I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad thing that I come here so often you know my drink order.” 

“Maybe a little of both,” she gave you a quick wink and smile, “be right back with that.” 

You knew what you were going to order, the grilled cheese sandwich and fry combo, but you looked over the menu anyway. It distracted you enough that you didn’t hear the door open and see the red mass of curls enter the restaurant. 

“Hey, kiddo, how many for you today?” 

“Just me.” 

“First time here?” 

“Yep, how’d you know?” 

“I’d remember a head of hair as good as yours.” 

*

Matthew had never been to ‘The Crispy Biscuit’ but he’d just completed an eight mile run and he was fucking hungry. The place seemed innocent enough, and he planned to treat himself to something outside his meal plan after that run, so he headed inside. 

“Hey kiddo,” a kind older woman greeted him with a big smile, “how many for you today?” 

“Just me.”

“First time here?” 

How could she have known that? Matthew was skeptical but she was incredibly nice and he needed to eat as soon as he could.

“Yep, how’d you know?”

“I’d remember a head of hair as good as yours.”

He blushed at her comment and followed her to a booth against the wall. The restaurant wasn’t very busy and as soon as he was seated, his eyes were glued to the menu. 

“Here, honey, water with lemon. Do you need a minute with the menu?”

He looked up for the first time and he froze when he saw her sitting in the next booth.

“Yes, if you don’t mind?”

“Not at all, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Thank you.”

What the fuck was she doing there? Of all places in Calgary, why was she there? He couldn’t catch a fucking break.

*

Anna set your iced tea in front of you and took your order.

“Ol’ reliable, yeah? I’ll put it in now dear."

Anna took your order to the kitchen and you passed the time by allowing yourself to swim in your thoughts until a voice you knew all too well pulled you to the surface. 

“Thank you.”

Matthew fucking Tkachuk was sitting in the booth next to yours. Of course he fucking was, but what had you done to deserve it? As far as you knew, this was your place and your place alone. Matthew didn’t get to just come in and take over, especially after everything that had gone down between the two of you.

You kept your eyes down but felt his gaze on you and you knew he had seen you, just as you had seen him. 

“Ready to order, dear?” 

You heard Anna asking Matthew if he was ready but you couldn’t look up at either of them. 

“I actually need another minute, but my friend is sitting at that booth, do you mind if I join her?” 

“Are you one of those hockey players keeping her busy?”

“Yeah,” you didn’t see his soft smile, “guilty as charged.”

“Go on over and join her, this is her day off though, so be gentle.”

Your heart swelled at Anna’s words. She knew nothing about you other than the information you had divulged while sitting at one of her tables, information she didn’t have to remember or even care about but she did anyway. 

The happiness you felt dissipated as soon as you heard Matthew slide into the booth across from you and set his water glass on the table.

“Hey.” 

*

It was a risk and he knew it, but there she was.

The stars had aligned and he had to fucking go for it, because when would be a better time than now? 

“My friend is sitting at that booth, do you mind if I join her?” 

“Are you one of those hockey players keeping her busy?” 

“Yeah,” shit, she talked about the team to this woman, “guilty as charged.” 

“Go on over and join her, this is her day off though, so be gentle.” 

Matthew quietly slid into the booth across from her and kept his eyes on her while she kept her own on her fingernails that she was picking at. 

“She told me to be gentle, which I intend to be, but we’ve gotta talk.” 

“There’s nothing to talk about, Matthew. I was clear in my email.”

She still wasn’t willing to meet his eyes but at least she was responding, he was going to take that as a small victory. 

“I know, I understand. You just want to be coworkers, and I want us to be together, so why don’t we compromise on something between? Friends?” 

Another big risk, and a conclusion that he wasn’t entirely sure he had completely accepted, but it was all or nothing in that moment. She didn’t respond, but Anna saved them from the awkwardness by bringing two plates full of fries and grilled cheese sandwiches with ranch on the side. 

“I figured I’d just double her order, since it’s your first time here and she’s a veteran, she knows what’s good. Is that okay?”

“That’s perfect, thank you.” 

*

“That’s perfect, thank you.”

Fuck Matthew and his manners and his kindness and his shitty hockey play and his stupid feelings.

Fuck, did he really just say that?

“You want us to be together?”

You spat the question at him as you dipped a fry in the ranch and popped it into your mouth, “you really want that?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t fucking believe you, Tkachuk. Now, after that, I’m never going to believe a single thing you say.” 

“Why not?”

This had to be an elaborate joke that the entire team, hell, maybe the entire Flames organization was in on. 

“Why not?! Matthew, I don’t think you’re as stupid as I wish you were, so you can probably figure it out.”

The two of you sat in silence, eating together in the same booth while being a thousand miles apart mentally. 

“This is why I’m offering to be friends. You’re pissed at me, I’ve been shitty to you for a long time and I know it and I’m sorry.”

“I don’t accept any of it. Not your apology and definitely not your feelings.”

*

“I don’t accept any of it. Not your apology and definitely not your feelings.” 

He expected it, he was going to have to work for her and he was willing to, but that didn’t mean her initial rejection of him didn’t hurt. 

“How is your grilled cheese? Hal uses garlic butter, garlic makes everything taste better.”

“It’s good, and I agree, garlic is the shit.” 

“That’s one thing we can agree on, Matthew. Garlic is, indeed, the shit.” 

She finished her food, excused herself from the table and left the restaurant twenty minutes before Matthew finished eating. He was aware of her departure this time, because he wasn’t going to make that mistake again, and he let her go without saying a word. 

As soon as Matthew cleaned his plate, he took a photo and sent it.

*

It was reminiscent of your ‘date’ and you were so pissed off you had a hard time thinking straight. 

It was a song you’d sang in the past, fuck him, fuck him, fuck. him. Matthew didn’t deserve you or anything to do with you. 

You were perched on your couch as Onyx purred on your shoulder when he sent the message. It was a photo of his empty plate from the diner.

“Did they pump these sandwiches full of drugs? They’re fucking incredible! I hope you don’t mind me becoming a regular.”

Of course you minded, but you didn’t want anything to do with Matthew fucking Tkachuk.

You didn’t respond to his message, because as much as you hated him and wanted nothing to do with him, you just couldn’t commit to letting him go. 

-

Study questions at the end the chapter (lol school): (1) Is she better off with Matt? (2) Is she better off alone? (3) Should she end up with Brady? (4) How do you want this to end? -- send all answers to ask

[sleek-mendes]

Fratboy Luke! Pt 3

Warnings: Language, mention of alcohol

I don’t know how long I sat there. My mind was spinning and the alcohol swimming in my veins was not helping. A knock on the door snapped me out of my thoughts.

‘Katherine?’ Haley called softly, pushing the door open.

‘Hey.’ I whispered. Her eyes fell to my neck and she raised her eyebrow.

‘I saw him walk out, I figured you guys got into an argument but clearly you were up to something else.’ She laughed. I wasn’t in the mood to laugh. I wanted to cry, but it felt dramatic.

I knew what I was getting myself into. And my gut told me not to. But I did it anyways. It was my fault. I should’ve listened to my gut.

‘Okay you aren’t laughing or telling me to fuck off so what happened?’ Haley asks, stepping into the bathroom and closing the door behind her.

‘Things were fine but then he just stopped and told me he couldn’t do this. Whatever that means. And then he left.’ I explain and Haley’s face falls from confusion to anger.

‘That little shit im gonna-‘

‘No. Haley don’t do anything. I just want to go home.’ I sigh, zipping up my jeans and trying my best to cover the hickey with my hair.

‘Ive had too much to drink but, I’ll ask Calum. He hasn’t been drinking for the last hour.’ She explains and I nod. Haley takes my hand and leads us both out of the bathroom and down the long hallway back outside where Calum stands with Michael.

‘Hey, could you take us home? I’m really drunk. But i’ll come get my car in the morning.’ Haley asks and Calum nods, looking towards me.

‘You good?’ He asks.

‘I’m fine. Please just take me home.’

He opens his mouth to say something but Haley shakes her head and he quickly closes it.

‘Let’s go then.’ He purses his lips, eyeing me carefully before leading the way to his car.

‘Katherine, wait!’ I heard Lukes voice getting close but i shook my head and continued walking, Haley’s grip on my hand tightening.

Luke’s hand wrapped around my arm and my movements halted.

‘Don’t fucking touch me.’ I berated, ripping my arm from his grasp.

‘Please just let me talk to you!’ He begged.

‘No. Don’t ever fucking talk to me again.’ I yelled, a few heads turning in our direction but I couldn’t even care if I wanted to. All i could see was red.

‘You don’t get it! I-‘

I laugh sarcastically at his comment and turn to face him fully.

‘No I get it. You won. You wanted to fuck around to prove you could do it? You win. Fuck you for making me think I might’ve been wrong about you.’ I say it calmer than I thought I would and turn away, rushing to meet Haley in the car.

‘Are you okay?’ I’m surprised it’s Calums voice that asks the question.

‘I’m fine.’ I answer shortly.

‘He’s had a fucked up love life. That’s why he acts like that.’ Calum explains quietly.

‘And the rest of us haven’t?’ I ask, raising my voice slightly.

‘No but.. nevermind. It’s not my business to tell’

-

Calums words remained in my head for the entire week. It made me wonder just what Luke has been through that makes him act like such an asshole.

I hadn’t seen Luke around at all. He’d avoided me successfully and i’d done the same. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little disappointed that he didn’t try at least one more time.

But that was also the problem wasn’t it?

I had turned him down, I made it hard to even be my friend, yet I STILL wanted him to run after me? I hadn’t been easy on him. Yet I excepted him to be easy on me.

It was getting harder and harder to convince myself that everything was working out the way it’s supposed to.

‘I’m leaving! Are you sure you don’t want to come?’ Haley announces as she walks into the living room, fixing her hoop earring.

‘I’m sure.’ I smile.

‘Alright well, i’ll miss you.’ She smiles waving goodbye before leaving to go to the small kickback Calum was having.

I knew enough to know that ‘small’ still meant Luke would be there. Plus partying on a Thursday night put a bitter taste in my mouth.

I would enjoy my Thursday night on the couch, take out and netflix on the tv.

Not even two hours later my phone lights up with Haley’s face, a sigh escaping my lips as I press the phone to my ear.

‘Haley i’m not coming!’

Haley giggles into the phone. ‘You’re so silly, I-I was actually calling to see if you could come get me?’ She’s clearly drunk as she stumbles her words.

‘Come get you? You’re not staying with Calum?’

‘No. Everybody’s still here and i’m really really... really tired. wanna come home yknow?’

I shake my head and laugh at her state.

‘Yeah Hal, i’m come get you. Be there in 15.’ I don’t let her answer as I hang up and stand from the couch, stretching out my limbs from the last two hours of being lazy.

I throw on a pair of leggings and some shoes before stepping in to the cool night air.

I knew I was gonna see Luke. There was no way Haley was gonna get all the way out to the car with ease and I had a feeling a drunk horny Calum wasn’t gonna be much help.

I pulled up to the frat house and let out a sigh before making my way to the door. I didn’t bother knocking because I knew they wouldn’t hear me. The music was blasting from Calums room so I made my way up the stairs, following the music.

I opened calums bedroom door and my eyes fell to the ground where Luke sat, a girl sitting on his lap, her lips attached to his neck.

His eyes met mine and a small smirk started to play on his lips as he saw my reaction.

‘Where’s Haley?’ I ask, looking around the room.

‘Bathroom. With Calum. Normally it’s curtesy to knock.’ He chuckled, the blonde girl pulling away from him to look at me.

‘Normally it’s curtesy to fuck in your own bedroom.’ I spit back, slamming the door as I stepped out of the bedroom, trying not to think about the image as I made my way to the bathroom which I could now hear Haley whining at Calum.

‘Katherine! I’m SO glad you’re here. Everybody’s getting horny and I feel like i’m part of an orgy.’ She giggles, leaning her head against the shower door.

‘She’s better now but I still think she’s gonna puke a couple more times.’ Calum explains and I nod softly and bend down to look at Haley.

‘Let’s go.’ I sigh holding out my hand for her to grab.

A pout falls on her lips as she puts her hand in mine.

‘Are you mad at me?’ She asks quietly.

‘Why would I be mad at you?’ I ask, helping her off the ground.

‘Because I knew Luke had a girl here and I still made you come get me.’ She hiccups.

Calum chuckles beside me and I send him a glare before focusing back on Haley.

‘No baby, i’m not mad at you. It’s not your fault he’s a tool.’ I smile as I pull her out of the bathroom only to be met with Luke’s cocky face.

‘So i’m a tool?’ He asks, crossing his arms across his chest as he smirks down at me.

‘Yes. Now if you’ll excuse me, i’m literally right in the middle of something.’

‘In the middle of me!’ Haley shouts loudly, putting her head on my shoulder. ‘Wait,’ she giggles. ‘Not like that. But fuck off Luke.’ I’m the one to chuckle this time as I step past him, pretty much carrying Haley down the stairs.

‘You couldn’t have avoided this forever!’ Luke shouts.

‘Avoided what? You? I could very easily never talk to you again. Don’t get it twisted , Hemmings.’ I scoff, Calum rushing down the stairs and lifts haley off of me, picking her up bridal style.

‘I’ll take her to your car.’ He says quietly, taking the keys out of my hand.

I nod and turn back to Luke who is now half way down the stairs.

‘Last time I checked, you were begging me to fuck you and I walked out. Don’t forget.’ He says lowly, stepping in my face.

‘Are you upset princess? That I let somebody else fuck me? Even after you wanted it so bad?’ He steps even closer, his hand falling on my hip as he pulled me against him.

‘Fuck you.’ I reply reaching my hands up to push him away from me but he grabs them before I can do so.

‘You already tried.’ He smirks.

‘You’re a piece of shit. Whatever the fuck- WHOEVER the fuck did what they did to you for you to be like this- you deserved every minute of it.’ I shout, pulling my hands from his and stepping backwards.

His eyes sadden at my words and I try to push away the guilt I feel for saying something I knew would hurt him.

‘Just... fuck you.’ I add before leaving the house.

‘Everything okay?’ Calum asks.

‘It’s fine. I’m fine. Thanks for your help. I have to go.’ I say quietly.

‘I’m sorry you had to see that.’ He sighs, clearly talking about the bedroom incident.

‘See what? Me and Luke were never a thing. We kissed one time. For a game.’ I lie, my voice getting louder than I intended.

‘Katherine... that fight last weekend had nothing to do with the game. I know what a face of Luke’s victims looks like.’

‘I’m NOT a victim. Don’t call me that. And it’s disgusting you all act okay with the way he treats people.’

‘Hey. He’s been through a lot. Like I said. I’ve seen him more broken than anybody. He has reasons. That’s not an excuse but... I know the real him.’. Calum explains, not letting me answer before he disappears up the driveway, leaving me confused & guilty once again.

-

I know it’s short i’m sorry :( if you want part 4 let me know! Thank you for all your feedback and patience with me. I love that people love it <3

[commanderquill]

Anything Can Be -- Part Four

<< PART THREE

<< PART ONE

Summary:  Barry doesn’t know much beyond the space station he calls home. After all, he doesn’t have to travel worlds to help innocent people as a Chief Inspector. But he’s put to the test when a Green Lantern, the stuff of myths and legends, shows up one night insisting he didn’t kill the woman bleeding out beside him. And as if that wasn’t hard enough, they have only a few weeks to solve the case – before the Guardians of the Universe come take Hal Jordan away.

Two hours later, a guard enters to escort Hal, and Barry leads them through the halls. They enter a circular room, just as sleek and grey as everything else, with a low ceiling that makes Hal feel that much more claustrophobic. There's a raised platform at the front, like a stage, and in front of it is a circular table surrounding one man in one chair.

The Chief has dark brown hair with thick sideburns lining his jaw and dense eyebrows to match, which make him look perpetually stern. The uniform he wears isn't dissimilar to Barry's, but is adorned with more circles and dashes for ornaments across his chest and is navy blue where Barry's is red. He’s probably human, but it’s hard to tell from this distance.

Hal didn't really notice it before, but he's starting to wonder why most of the staff on this space station seem to be of human descent, or at least something close to it.

In front of the stage is another identical table surrounding a much shorter plastic chair. Between the two tables, more plastic chairs make up the perimeter of a circle. It's creepily reminding him of an AA meeting and he’s tempted to comment that he isn’t an alcoholic.

The guard leads him to the the table and chair on ground floor, then goes to stand by the door. Barry stands to the left of the table, nearest the door and the guard, but doesn't take a seat in any of the many empty chairs. "Your Honor, I present to you Green Lantern Guy Gardner."

At first, Hal is startled to hear the name, and almost looks to the door to see if Guy just walked in -- he wouldn’t put it past him. But then he remembers where he is and what he did.

So, that’s going to be a thing now.

"Guy Gardner is accused of murder in the first degree. I've already stated the reasonable conviction I have in his innocence, and would like to formally request bail for the record."

Well, good to know that somewhere this whole thing is being recorded. He hopes it's just audio, because being stuck in a cage probably hasn't done his hair any favors.

"The reasons I have are of the following: 1) There are no DNA related samples or evidence linking Gardner to the scene of the crime. 2) There is no perceived motive. 3) The investigated timeline and events of the murder don't logically correspond with the suspect. 4) I retain reasonable belief that the suspect can be of use on the field to locate the actual culprit. 5) The suspect carries with him a good reputation and good background and deserves the benefit of the doubt."

The Chief listens respectfully until Barry finishes, nodding all the while, then says: "As previously stated in private and now restated for the record, I, Chief of Police James Gordon, grant permission for suspect Guy Gardner's temporary and supervised release. However, due to the unique circumstances of the power which Gardner wields, unconventional bail terms have been arranged. Guy Gardner, if you agree to these terms, you will be free to assist our Chief Inspector with your investigation, and also to do whatever you please within the boundaries of this station and under the direct supervision of an officer approved by our Chief Inspector. Chief Inspector Barry Allen, if Guy Gardner agrees to these terms, you will be held responsible for his actions. Is this understood by everyone present?"

"Clear as day,” Hal says, until he realizes that maybe that expression doesn't work in space.

"Understood," Barry says.

"To be allowed on bail, Guy Gardner must agree, among other base requirements, to surrender use of his Green Lantern power ring."

"Hell no," says Hal, almost before the Chief finishes speaking. "Absolutely not. Not in your dreams, not in your nightmares, not in your--"

"Then I believe this hearing is over," responds the Chief, cool and collected. The guard moves forward.

"Woah, wait," Hal protests immediately. He warily eyes the guard, and catches Barry off to the side rubbing at the bridge of his nose with his fingers. "Can't we talk about this?"

"These terms aren't for negotiation," the Chief declares. "I'm not certain you realize how bad your situation is, Lantern Gardner. Murder suspects aren't often allowed bail at all. You only are because of how valuable Inspector Allen's word is. You're in absolutely no position to bargain."

"Yeah, well--" he cuts himself off as the guard nudges him forwards the door. "Watch it," he snaps. He turns his attention back to the Chief, who hasn't made any move to get up. "A Lantern can't remove their ring. It’s one of the most powerful weapons in the universe, and I can't depend on some mediocre police department's evidence locker to keep it safe."

"You know just as well as I do that a Lantern's ring can't be wielded by anyone other than the Lantern," the Chief replies, and Hal doesn't know why he's surprised that he knows that.

He curses under his breath as he allows himself to be herded out the door. He doesn't glance behind him on his way back to the cage, but he can hear two sets of footsteps that say Barry isn't far behind. He doesn't look even when the cage door closes behind him.

"Good job," Barry says drily.

Hal whirls around. "You could have told me what the so-called 'questions' were," he snaps, but almost immediately regrets it. Barry does not look impressed by his temper. Hal has always been remarkably good at pissing people off but, for once, he can't afford to chase this person away.

"You didn't honestly expect it would be easy, did you?" Barry responds. "You're a Green Lantern suspected for murder. Any time bail is allowed, something must be given by the defendant for temporarily holding that is valuable enough to the defendant that they either won't run without it or can't run without it before their trial. Normally it's money, but considering we have no information on how valuable that is to you, requiring a monetary deposit doesn't guarantee that you won't still run. The only way to make sure you show up to your trial is to restrict how easy it is for you to run." Barry gestures to Hal's yellow mittens. "Hence this."

"I didn't say I don't know why you guys want it," he replies, his ire already dying down. No need to get angry about logic.

"Well, either you turn your ring over to us or you're going to be stuck sitting in this cage for the entire length of this investigation." Barry's expression is at first disappointed, but soon looks concerned. It's almost hard to pick up on, but whereas a line like he said would be mocking coming from anyone who wasn't genuine, it sounds sad coming from him. "And it doesn't get much better than this."

Barry has taken to leaning against the cage, apparently comfortable enough to do so, although not comfortable enough to have his back to Hal. He's staring intently at Hal, waiting to see what move he'll make.

He needs to stay calm. Being angry will only hurt his case. Which he doesn't really understand -- he feels like an innocent person should be allowed to get angrier over being wrongly accused than a guilty person, but the universe is fucked like that sometimes.

After a moment taken for himself, he looks straight into Barry's face. "Fine," he says. "Take it."

[confinedsoul]

Comfort Escape II

(disclaimer: SUPER LONG STORY TIME)

Hey y'all

So I just ditch this page after I finish the challenge. Haha it’s so me I’ll tell you. Setelah gue bebas dari suatu tanggung jawab, I tend to procrastinate to start another one because I feel like I need a break. I actually already came up with another challenge idea that will make me preoccupied for the next 30 days. But before that, I need to prepare myself because I alone have a very high expectation for myself and it’s not that rare for me to be disappointed by that. You see I tend to blame myself for everything because of my own expectations but I can help to set the bar that high because that is the only thing that can push me forward and thrive in life.

Anyway, a lot of things happened after I started this page. As time went by I had a lot of disagreements with my mom and brother, which made me overthink a lot and I ended up going to a psychiatrist, oh and I’ve been sleeping a lot, like too much. My grandma now lives with us which is a good thing because if anything happens, I go to her and ease up my mind looking for mental support hehe. The thing about writing, gue masih mencoba untuk bisa seperti dulu lagi dimana gue melarikan diri lewat tulisan tapi susah ya ceu. I mean segimana keras gue mencoba untuk nulis lagi tuh rasanya ada yang menghalangi aja gitu kan. Belakangan gue kalau ada apa-apa cuma diem aja dikamar, tiduran, bengong, atau ya tidur sekalian. Gitu deh pokoknya.

Gue mau story time dulu nih. Dulu waktu SMA, sekolah gue ngadain kompetisi dan semacam pensi gitu terus ada kompetisi film pendek yang dulu gue lupa antara jurinya atau pesertanya itu Aulion. Kalau gak salah awalnya peserta, terus tahun berikutnya jadi juri. Dia top banget sih pada waktu itu, sampai sekarang gue masih selalu kagum sama karya-karya dia di youtube. Terus ada film pendek yang ikut kompetisi itu judulnya Borderline. Gue lupa ini dari sekolah mana tapi mereka jadi peserta di tahun itu. Awalnya gue gak ngerti ini apa sih maksudnya, ceritanya agak gak jelas dan gue kayak ini kenapa begini cowoknya. Turns out, it’s about Borderline Personality Disorder. Gue dulu gak begitu banyak baca tentang ini, karena jaman gue SMA dulu, pengetahuan dan awareness on mental health issue itu belum setinggi sekarang. Gue baru benar-benar mencari tahu dan aware tentang mental health waktu gue akhirnya merasakan hal itu sendiri di masa-masa kuliah gue.

Gue pernah sekali self diagnosed, dari beberapa event yang terjadi dan gue rasakan terus gue cocoklogi dengan gejala dan ciri-ciri dari beberapa gangguan mental yang gue temukan di internet. Sebenarnya itu jadi salah satu batu loncatan buat gue untuk bertanya ke orang yang lebih ahli karena dari beberapa tes online yang gue ambil dan konsul online lewat aplikasi memang disarankan untuk konsul langsung ke dokter atau psikolog. Lagipula at that time, the only reason that makes sense about my condition is only that diagnosis I made for myself. Turns out it’s a lot bigger than I expected. Dulu gue mengira gue hanya depressed karena skripsi gak kelar-kelar dan gue merasa gak punya teman jadi gue mengalihkan hal itu dengan makan yang banyak, minum alkohol setiap hari, belanja sampai duit gue habis, dan pada akhirnya mencoba bunuh diri. Gue bertindak terlalu impulsif and doing things that will risk my wellbeing for weeks and weeks after that I just bundled up in my bed doing nothing but regretting my life decisions. Kalau dipikir sekarang, dulu gue benar-benar menghabiskan hampir 2 tahun disana doing nothing but that. Makanya akhirnya gue konsul ke dokter.

After several appointments, diagnosa dokter adalah Affective Bipolar Disorder dan gue menjalani pengobatan dan terapi psikologis sejak saat itu. I’m actually getting a lot better. Setelah 1 tahun lebih akhirnya gue punya mood yang lebih stabil. Gue gak gampang sedih dan overthink, tapi gue juga gak gampang berperilaku impulsif dan overly happy sampai terlalu hyper like I used to be. Gue merasa fine-fine aja. Memang gue kadang gak bisa menahan ledakan emosi kayak marah, sedih, senang, atau segala jenis emosi lain tapi menurut gue yang disetujui dokter gue waktu itu adalah it’s just a part of me that I have to embrace. Adalah hal yang wajar kalau kita merasa marah dan kecewa kalau ada hal yang gak kita suka, memang gue orangnya begitu dan yang perlu gue lakukan adalah gimana gue bisa mengontrol diri gue dengan baik. I swear to you I became a lot docile after that.

Gue gak pernah sekalipun memakai kondisi kesehatan mental gue as an excuse for my wrongdoing. Gak ding, bohong haha. Sometimes I just wish that people would understand me and my actions and how I hold back this whole time because of my mental conditions. Gue pengen dimengerti gitu loh. Tapi gue selalu berfikir gimana kalau sebenarnya orang lain juga punya masalah sendiri dan dia harus keep up sama gue yang begini which make them decided to keep distance from me because I’m such a toxic person. My mood swing is no joke. I’m afraid that they will leave me alone, that could be my family, friends, loved ones, anyone. I’m afraid they’d give up on me and leave and to be frank I’ve done anything for them to not leave me, making myself pathetic, doing everything they like, and anything else you named it. Ngerti gak? I have a fear of abandonment. Kenapa sekarang gue bisa ngomong kayak gitu? Last week I went to the doctor and he said that I might have a Borderline Personality Disorder this whole time and my previous doctors seem to overlook it because the Bipolar episode was more severe back then.

Then it hit me like a lightning bolt sent from Olympus. Dari situ gue mikir, kenapa gue gak kepikiran tentang hal itu ya? Selama ini gue pikir gak mungkin punya gangguan mental lebih dari satu pada waktu yang sama. Dari situ terus mulai lah gue cari-cari tentang BPD dan menonton beberapa video untuk edukasi diri. It scares me really. Mungkin ini yang selama ini gue rasakan tapi entah kenapa dokter gue dulu gak pernah melihat hal ini padahal sebenarnya kalau gue ingat lebih nyata terjadi. Gimana dulu gue bersikap sangat pathetic pada teman-teman gue dengan tujuan they take pity of me and stay by my side yang malah berujung they talk shit about me behind my back tanpa coba mengerti gue. Maybe you could imagine how I felt back then, tapi gue mikir daripada gue yang ditinggal lebih baik gue yang meninggalkan mereka duluan, and I left. I left that circle and refused to join them unless a person personally asked me to join.

Have you ever felt guilty after venting up your anger to someone else? Sewajarnya pasti lah ya, tapi mungkin ada juga yang ngerasa lega atau malah satisfy karena udah bisa menyampaikan isi pikiran mereka. But have you ever felt afraid and guilty that you start to think that this person, whoever you vent your anger to, will eventually be tired of you and leave you because you just hurt their feelings several times at that? I do everytime. Like I said, my mood swing is no joke. I get agitated over the smallest thing and snap if I ever feel upset over anything. But less than 5 minutes after that, I get excited and happy after I read comics and forget I ever felt upset before. Dating a person like me will be like riding a roller coaster everyday. Bayangin dulu gue dekat dengan satu cowok yang keep up sama personality gue yang begini selama 2 tahun lebih dan dulu gue gak tau kalau gue mungkin punya BPD. Gue benar-benar takut dia ninggalin gue karena gue hanya selingkuhan dia. We’re happy at times but at some points I frustrated the hell out of him, guilt trip him, playing victims, doing all things he asked me to, even though I love him with all my heart not rarely I demand for more attention and support, I also buy things for him and pay for his meals and expenses hanya agar supaya dia puas dengan gue dan gak ninggalin gue. I want him to be with me, mau gue tetap jadi selingkuhan dia atau tetap jadi teman pokoknya dia gak kemana-mana. But after all that I’ve done in the end he still left me. I hate him even now but looking back, I deserve his hate too.

I know that I’m a very toxic person and that it would be hard for people to keep up with me but I want everyone to know that I’m trying my best to control myself so that nobody ever feels offended and would eventually leave me. Sebisa mungkin gue melakukan hal apapun yang membuat orang lain nyaman dengan gue. You could say that I’m a people pleaser, walaupun ada beberapa hal yang memang kalau gue gak mau dan gak suka, gue akan langsung bilang ke mereka sambil memutar otak gimana biar orang lain tetap puas dengan jalan tengah. Kayak misalkan di rumah gue sendiri, gak jarang ada perbedaan pendapat antara Bapak, Ibu, dan Mas yang kadang malah bikin suasana rumah jadi gak enak. Jujur gue selalu takut kalau akan ada saatnya, ada yang gak bisa tahan lagi dan akhirnya memutuskan untuk keluar dari rumah. Untuk mencegah hal itu terjadi gue menjadi penengah untuk ketiganya dengan berpikir netral dan mencari jalan tengah untuk masalah yang ada. It has always been like that since a long time. Paling terasa adalah waktu kakak gue mau menikah dan sekarang-sekarang ini setelah Bapak gak ada. Sometimes I can control my mood better jadi gue bisa menjadi penengah yang adil dan menyelesaikan masalah dengan damai but some other times I can’t take it anymore and just blow up. It happens on a daily basis. Capek gak sih? Gue jujur capek kayak gini terus dan kenapa gue baru tau sekarang kalau gue kemungkinan besar memang punya BPD.

Terus gue juga baru nyadar kalau semua OC atau tokoh-tokoh dalam cerita gue itu punya kehidupan dan situasi yang sebenernya gue inginkan. I’d like to imagine that they are actually me in another life as I have several universes for my own story. There’s time when I even make it sound that I have another personality karena gue pengen banget membuang kehidupan gue yang sekarang. Ada waktu dimana gue gak mau pakai nama asli gue dan memilih untuk pakai nama dari karakter fiksi yang gue buat, terus gue bersikap benar-benar seperti karakter itu waktu gue kuliah dulu. Gue juga pernah menjadikan mereka pelarian gue dengan membangun imajinasi bahwa gue adalah mereka dan imajinasi itu jadi comfort zone untuk gue. Hari ini gue mau jadi si A ah, terus gue membangun setting tempat, waktu, dan kejadian di otak gue and actually act it out as if it was all real and not in my imagination. Strangely it does make me feel a lot better. Weird and stupid I know, but if it worked then it’s not that stupid. Well maybe just a little.

I know that tumblr might not be suitable for this kind of post but I’m not actually looking for a reader, you see I’m just pouring all my thoughts and this is what I call comfort writing. I find writing this on a laptop is much more efficient and convenient than in a book. I mean at least my hand isn’t weary. It’s just my writing style to imagine that there’s actually people who read my writings. When in real life, the only person that ever reads my writings is only my father. If you happen to see this and actually read the whole post until this paragraph then you have my greatest gratitude and might as well interact with me or something, I’m a lonely person you see I might need your company :)

By the way, I decided to start a new challenge on Monday. Gonna prepare a lot and it will be a little bit different from before. Hehe please help me expect a lot from myself.

Jadi, sampai jumpa di tulisan lainnya!

[bubbleescape]

Closure —epilog part—

Butuh waktu yang tidak sebentar bagi Alma untuk mencoba menerima duka dari kenyataan yang telah terjadi. Iya duka, duka karena patah hati. Bukan, bukannya ia tidak bahagia mengenai kabar baik dari sahabatnya. Ia hanya sedang dalam proses menerima dalam tahap griefing. Ia tidak mau munafik, ada sedikit rasa getir dalam hatinya. Alma tidak salah atas apa yang ia rasakan, perasaannya valid. Perasaan jatuh karena pupus harapan.

Alma sadar betul ia berada dalam fase almost acceptance dalam stage of griefing. Ia telah melalui banyak hal sebelumnya; denial, anger, bargaining, depression. Ia sekarang sudah atau setidaknya pulih dari depresi. Sudah muncul rasa merelakan dalam dirinya. Merelakan apa yang telah terjadi dan apa yang akan terjadi. Sebentar lagi, Alma akan bisa menerima semuanya. She will embrace the feeling, certainly.

Selama dalam hidupnya, Alma tentu sudah banyak merasakan asam manisnya kehidupan. Hidup yang nano-nano. Tentu saja ia sudah pernah patah hati sebelum ini. Tapi patah hati di usianya saat ini tentunya menjadi hal baru baginya—bahkan kalau bisa memilih, ia tidak ingin merasakan kegagalan sekarang. Rasanya seperti mimpi yang sudah dibangun, diharapkan, bahkan didoakan hancur berkeping tanpa sisa.

However, the earth keeps rotating, the time keeps running, and life goes on. Life doesn’t care how hard you are struggling and how much you are hurting.

Life doesn’t wait for you to recover, that’s not how it works. All you can do is keep walking, even take a baby steps.

So she did it. She took a baby step at first. A beginning of awakening. Pelan-pelan ia belajar, perlahan ia bangkit. Belajar mengenali emosi dalam dirinya, bahwa apa yang ia rasakan ini nyata, perasaannya valid. Tanpa sadar, Alma mengenali dan menerima semua emosi yang ia rasakan. Alma tidak denial.

For a while, she thought what if she trying to communicate how she feels? What about being honest? She really needs an emotional release. She needs complete the uncompleted feeling inside. Even if the ending isn’t the better one for her, at least she feels less regret. Maybe she needs a closure.

Maka, Alma bertekad untuk memberikan Ben sebuah closure. Sebuah ‘perpisahan’ yang menandakan bahwa ia rela untuk melepas sahabatnya mencapai bahagianya, sekaligus tanda terima kasih dari Alma untuk Ben karena telah menemaninya dan mengajarkan banyak hal selama ini. He radiates positive energy vibes, he is a good man. Ben deserves a gift as a thank you. And at least for Alma, she deserves a peace of mind indeed.

Alma memberi Ben sebuah hadiah dan ada surat di dalamnya.

Hi, Ben my bestie!

How have you been? Thought we haven’t met for a while. Is it a a year ago we meet? Is it the new year ave the last time we catch up, no?

When I’m writing this, I feel perfectly fine. No secret motive, and please just read what I want to say ahead. I’m writing this letter to get my peacefulness mind and just let you know what happen to me. I need to do this.

You’re getting married soon, one of your life goals will come true. Kita mungkin ngga akan pernah ketemu lagi, ngga bisa hanya berdua—not in the café, not in the restaurant food you like, not in our favorite hangout places, not anywhere. We will totally live on our life separately. I thought you deserve to know, it’s the right time to reveal the truth.

Here we go. Ben, do you remember first time we meet and greet to each other? Yeah, it’s been long time ago—eight years ago probably. Lo inget ngga gimana cupunya kita dulu? Masih bayi yang belajar buat merangkak, melangkah, dan transisi dari remaja labil sampai jadi orang yang hampir dewasa—iya, kita saling membersamai masa-masa krusial di quarter life crisis. We grow up together, we are so close with one another.

‘Til that night—the night you admitted that you’ve found someone special in your life. Lo tau ngga Ben apa yang gue rasain waktu itu? I don’t know how to react, honestly. Kabar dari lo tiba-tiba banget and I need time to process them slowly. So I tried to keep a distance from you for a while. Lo sadar ngga? I’m so sorry for that.

Itu bukan salah lo Ben, I was the one who guilty. Gue memutuskan buat mengenali perasaan gue sendiri ke lo. Di sini, gue merasa jahat banget karena gue ngga merasa ikut bahagia dengan berita baik dari lo, padahal gue sahabat baik yang lo percaya. I was wondering, gue ini kenapa sebenernya? And then I reached a stage that I realized something. I had a romantic feeling for you.

Now thinking back, maybe I was stupid. I don’t even know since when this feeling getting deeper. Maybe I should have told you a long time ago, maybe I should have asked you and stop wondering. Mungkin harusnya gue ngga perlu terlalu lama buat bilang: I loved you Ben. I was in love with you, with so much denial and hesitation.

Gue emang orangnya pengecut. Ngga bisa dan ngga mau jujur sama lo—sama diri sendiri juga, because I think it’ll affect our friendship and both of us become awkward toward each other. I think that it’s not right to be in love with your own best friend. So I kept it myself. Gue emang ngga bodoh-bodoh banget, but I’m not really good when it comes to feeling. I am such a dumbass.

Gue selalu bertanya-tanya tentang semua yang terjadi, tentang lo.

“Lo dulu pernah punya romatic feeling juga ngga ke gue?”

“Lo dulu sering gangguin gue malem-malem kenapa?”

“Kenapa gue ngga jujur dan ngasih tau lo tentang perasaan gue?”

“Kenapa lo ngga pernah tanya?”

I had many moments to tell you what I felt, but I didn’t. Berakhir dengan gue berasumsi bahwa memang lo hanya menganggap gue sahabat lo, hanya hubungan platonic yang menurut gue juga ngga mungkin lo bakal jatuh cinta ke gue.

I was really stupid.

Sampai akhirnya gue open up ke sohib gue, she knew about you. Dia bilang kalau romantic feeling itu wajar dan alami. Lo ngga boleh menolak perasaan itu, even itu perasaan ke temen deket lo.

Gue bodoh—dan gue terlambat sadar. Ngga ada yang bisa gue lakukan selain menerima kenyataan yang telah terjadi dan berusaha bahagia.

Gue berusaha bangkit, embrace the feeling inside me. Mencoba merelakan bahwa bahagia lo ada di orang lain. Mengikhlaskan bahwa gue memang hanya bisa sebatas jadi temen deket lo aja.

Ben, once again, I have no intention to interupt your life for doing this thing. I just wanna confess all of my feeling and release many thoughts I’ve been thinking some time back. I wanna live in peace.

I’m so sorry I didn’t love you properly back then. And it’s such a relief that you didn’t end up with me. You deserved a person better than 24 years old Alma Zenecca that didn’t know how to love and treat the one she love appropriately.

Last but not least, gue pengen berterima kasih atas kehadiran lo di hidup gue. You were such a huge learning process for me. I know you’re a good man, you will be a great husband, partner, and father to your future family. You know, I always wish for your happiness and fulfillness. And of course, you will always get my back. Don’t worry about me, it just the matter of time and I’ll recover. I will be back as a tough and independent woman like I always do.

Doakan gue cepet nyusul lo ya, hehe. You rock, Ben. Happy wedding!

Your stupid best friend,

Alma Zenecca.

And I, no, I don’t mind

This is the last time

That I will show my face

One last tender lie and

Then I’m out of this place — This is the Last Time by Keane

June ‘21

Je

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Strap in as I dissect this one.

I'm gonna be brutal here...Miles is a charcter with some merit and a lot of potential but his merit stems from the fact that relatively speaking he's been portrayed in a way that doesn't do a bad job capturing the feelings of a young biracial poc in modern day NYC and his relationship to his identity as a POC.

I think there are much better examples out there and there have been times where you could at least argue Miles has dropped the ball.

But overall it is Miles' greatest strength as a character.

In other aspects though....not so much.

Because as much credit as you can Miles in regards to handling race and identity...his personality outside of that, his career as a superhero and his general status quo are laughably bad.

Miles suffers from the exact same problems most of Bendis' characters suffer from (including the Ultimate versions of Peter Parker and the other Spider-Man chaacters).

That is to say he is mostly bland as bread but he is handed praise simply because Bendis is associated with him. In a similar (but not as largescale) a way Stan Lee is revered because he pioneered a new way of doing comics Bendis' name automatically makes readers and observers praise his work because when his comics career began at Marvel he pioneered a brand new way or writing comics.

Problem is a lot of the time in pop culture people confuse novelty with quality.

Because Bendis and Stan Lee both, from a creative writing point of view, tended to miss way more than they hit.

Oh sure Bendis' Daredevil and Alias runs in most respects deserve the acclaim they get as does Stan Lee's Amazing Spider-Man and Fantastic Four runs.

But if you bother to really read most of Stan's OTHER Silver Age work...it's a billion miles away from those runs. Stan's Avengers, Iron Man and Thor stories are NOT stories that come anywhere close to the brilliance of his ASM and F4 work. They have great concepts behind them for sure but they are NOT executed very well.

And yet ALL of Stan's Silver Age work is held up in reverence.

The same holds true for the majority of Bendis' work. Most of it is garbage but is revered because he pioneered a new way of doing comics and readers of the early 2000s mistook the novelty of his work for genuine quality writing.

I mean when you honestly think about it for 2 seconds the decompression style he employs is financially and creatively toxic because it literally means readers need to spend more money to get ONE complete story and the pacing of it is destroyed. Reading in trades might be satisfying but the month-to-month sales get fucked in the ass.*

But people don't see that. They see decompression and they think it's goo because bendis does it and Bendis is the best writer around right so that must mean the way he writes is he best way to right.

Except it isn't.

Because Bendis is the guy who on Ultimate Spider-Man tookt he character of Peter Parker who's whole point is that he's the every man superhero motivated by the death of his Uncle ben and decided that his biological Dad Richard parker should be like massively important to the ongoing narrative along with his pseudo father figure Nick Fury the head of the super duper secret spy organization that runs the world. And then on top of that decided that instead of having J. Jonah Jameson be you know...an important character like he has been in....oh yeah EVERY iteration of Spider-Man's story he'd rather Jameson be rarely seen or heard from.

That's not even getting into what he did to the villains. Using just one example Ultimate Venom is objectively speaking a worse version of Venom than the 616 iteration of the character.

At his worst 1990s Venom was an over the top caricature embodying everything wong with the 1990s. He was a mindlessly violent grimdark anti-hero complete with a slavering tongue and idiotic catch phrase (I'll eat your brains!).

It was godaweful personality for the character....but at least it WAS a personality.

Ultimate Venom had ZERO personality. He was nothing more than a gnarling, gnashing mass of goop, teeth and tentacles. Which is NOT what Venom is supposed to be. Venom s supposed to be a evil version of Spider-Man. He's supposed to look like a warped image of Spider-Man and have all his powers, except he doesn't in this version.

When you look at the entire point of that character and of the Ultimate version of Spider-Man overall it was a colossal failure from everything other than a financial point of view. It's job was to do a modernized and more realistic take on Spider-Man but it failed because it fucked up the fundamental points of Spider-Man's story and characters.

But people PRAISED that which underscores my point. People praise Bendis' work because it's Bendis regardless of the quality of the content.

Miles is no different except he ALSO gets handed automatic praise because he provides representation for marginalized people again regardless of the quality of the character. This isn't unique to him because the SAME thing occurs with Riri Williams who is aggressively poorly developed from a characterization POV. I mean for goodness sake we're talking about a character who doesn't seem to care about her Dad dying to the same degree she cares about her BFF. Like...what the fuck. We're talking about a character who asks her teacher to marginalise her.

And despite that, she's praised by the comic book press in general.

Because they aren't bothering to look too deeply at her personality or her characterization or her development or any of the important shit that goes into evaluating writing. They just see a black woman in the role of a prominent white male superhero and that's all that matters.

Which is exactly how the author of this article looked at Peter Parker and MIles Morales.

Peter and Miles aren't people. They aren't characters.

Those aren't the most important things.

The most important things are that one is a white person and the other is a poc.

That is the primary capacity in which their characters and their very identities are to be viewed. That's the 'right' way to view them.

Except it's not and doing so is immeasurably stupid and in fact harmful to the cause of equality.

Saying ANY given instance where a black person or a person of colour is deferring towards a white person in the way Miles does is equitable with racism is as fucking stupid as saying Boys from the Hood is prejudiced towards white people because there are very few of them in the movie.

It divorces fucking CONTEXT.

So let's look at the scene from an in and out of universe perspective with the context applied shall we?

If you bother to read up on Miles Morales goddam history you'll KNOW he has routinely defined himself in contrast to older more established heroes, trying to live up to their legends. You could even argue it's part of the core concept of Miles Morales so having Miles state Peter is the real deal Spider-Man is not just 100% in character but not doing that in this context could be argued as being the height of dishonesty for his character.

It's like complaining that Spider-Man felt guilty over Aunt May's illness in this storyline. Him NOT feeling that way would be bad writing. Because of his established characterization he is OBLIGED to react that way.

But that's an in-universe thing.

Out of universe this is saying Miles lives in Peter's shadow and Peter is the one true Spider-Man.

Yeah.

That's 100% accurate. And to explain why we need to do a little history lesson on the very foundation of the Marvel universe.

Once upon a time in the late 1930s Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster invented the first ever superhero, Superman. The hook for the character was that he was a guy with powers beyond those of ordinary men and used them to fight crime and save people. it was a hit and soon shittons of other characters were created with every name, costume and super power gimmick you could think of being canvassed.

Times changed though and supeheroes fell out of fashion and most of those characters disappeared. Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman however hung around because they were the most popular. Why were they the most popular?

Simple, of all of the various characetrs created they were the ones with the most substance to them relative to everyone else. Every other superhero more or less was a costume and a set of powers and a flashy name and little more than that. Batman had a compelling origin story and gharish supervillains. Superman was the ultimate embodiment of childhood wish fulfillment and Wonder Woman was the definitive female power fantasy.

In contrast the Flash and Green lantern were about a due who was fast and a dude who had a ring that made glowing green shapes. Riveting.

These characetrs were so unimportant that DC comics in the 1950s revived them by basically creating all new characters to replace them. And so we got Barry Allan and Hal Jordan amongst others.

And it was fine because nobody gave a shit about the old Flash and Green Lantern because again...they were superficial. So long as someone could run fast and had a green ring they were good enough. The superficial aspects of both superhero identities was actually so foundational to them that they were replaced AGAIN by Wally West and Kyle Rayner. Because again, the Flash was about a guy who was fast and GL was about a guy with a green ring. That was the POINT of them.

But in the 1960s some guys called Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko (along with others) struck upon the idea that....maybe they should NOT make superheroes who's main hooks were their flash names, costumes and powers.

MAYBE instead of their powers the point of these characters should be their personalities, their relationships, their personal lives in general and the struggles they face day to day like most of us.

Spider-Man wasn't the first experiment with this idea but he was the most successful.

The point of Spider-Man is objectively NOT that there is a guy called Spider-Man, with web spandex and spider powers running around fighting crime.

The POINT is the life story of Peter Parker. The point and the thing that made Spider-Man popular was Peter Parker's SPECIFIC personality. His SPECIFIC relationships with his SPECIFIC friends, family and colleagues. His SPECIFIC jobs. His SPECIFIC life stauts quo in general.

It wasn't the case that ANY given character with ANY given set of friends or personality could've been plugged into that role and would've been as successful because if that was true Daredevil and multiple other Marvel characters would've been as successful too.

Hell NOVA, Speedball and other characters who were deliberate attempts to be the Peter Parkers of their generations never came close to that level of success.

Because the entire CONCEPT and APPEAL of Spider-Man is rooted SPECIFICALLY in Peter Parker.

Now with all of that said let's look at MIles?

Is his personality as vibrant and fleshed out as Peter's? No, he's bland and talked up as 'just a good kid' which is to say he lacks flaws in his personality (which was you know, part and parcel of the entire fucking POINT of all the Marvel characters)

Does he have a compelling motivation and concept powering him such as the guilt and sense of responsibility stemming from his Uncle's death which he blames himself for? No, not anymore. His core concept was that he was the legacy Spider-Man who picked up Peter's role when he died, something Miles feels he could have prevented. Now though that version of Peter came back to life and MIles is in a universe where Peter Parker is alive, has never died, is still active and Miles merely co-exists with him rather than adopts his role and tries to live up to the legend of a fallen hero.

Is his powerset a fine balance of making him a formidable fighter but also far from invincible? No, he can literally win any given fight by turning invisible, sneaking up on someone with his wall crawling powers and spider sense and electrocuting them. And we know it'll work because apparently his electorcution powers are strong enough to knock out Blackheart who is literally evil incarnate and the son of the Devil...and Electro who's entire body is a living electical battery. Miles Morales has plot convenience powers up the wazoo. And if somehow none of those things do the trick it's okay...because he can like make his body explode with electricity and blast everything in his path. And on top of that (if you read the arc where Ultimate Peter Parker returns) Miles can ALSO come back from the dead. That is literally one of his powers. My...how relatable?

Does he struggle with balancing the responsibilites of life alongside the responsibility of being Spider-Man, including the immense burden of guilt, supporting his chronically ill mother, dealing with serious grief, having shit from his peers and the general public mistrusting him which makes earning money extremeley hard? No. In every way other than the fact that he must deal with the immense burden of institutionalized racism Miles' life is 100% better and easier than Peter Parker's. And he has people who can at least support him and help him through personal crises he endures. Peter for the longest time was entirely alone and had to deal with all the stuff you see in this issue and more. THAT is what FORGED him into the hero we know and love today.

He endured all this crap in his life but wasn't destroyed by it, in fact he rose above it and helped people.

THAT is what made him connect with millions of people across the world generation after generation since 1962.

So when Miles in the story, and Bendis through MIles outside of the story says Miles lives in Peter's shadow and Peter is the real deal he's 100% right.

Miles can be the best Miles Morales Spider-Man ever.

But he is NOT the measure of Peter Parker either as a hero in universe or as a character outside of it.

Because Spider-Man was never a name, a set of spandex and spider super powers.

Spider-Man WAS Peter Parker and his life.

To be Spider-Man is to be Peter Parker.

It isn't a mantle to be passed down like Cap's shield or Batman's cowl.

Spider-Man isn't a symbol or a mantle or a legend.

Spider-man is a specific person called Peter Parker and the life he leads.

So no.

It's not 'racist' for Miles or Bendis to acknowledge that or Miles place as NOT being ont he same level as Peter int he role of Spider-Man.

Because it's the truth.

*Bendis' USM work managed to survive that only because

a) It's Spider-Man, Spider-Man automatically guarantees certain baseline sales no matter what

b) At the time that deompression style had the novelty factor going for it

c) Early 2000s Spider-Man was in a state of collapse. Basically until JMS' run began it was bleeding readers badly so any vaguely decent Spider-Man felt like an oasis in a desert, even if the water wasn't exactly clean

e) Mark Bagley's art. Bags is a master artists at the best of times but more importantly his rendition of Spider-Man had been the definitive version used on most merchandise throughout the 1990s, even influencing the highly influencial 1990s cartoon that was back then very recent in people's minds. I mean is it any wonder the quality and sales dropped once Bagley left? If it was all about the writing then it wouldn't have mattered much but it 100% did

f) It was remaking old concepts. At the time that was a new thing so the idea of seeing a moderization of Spider-Man's origin or of the origin of Venom or of Spider-Man first working at the Bugle seemed enticing to readers

g) Whatever you say about Bendis as writer because he was the lone author of USM and because USM the one and only main book for that version of Spider-Man there was a consistency lent to the work that wasn't alienating people and it was easy to catch up because you just needed to follow from issue #1 then issue #2 etc. the same applies for the trades. Much like Japanese Manga USM regardless of the quality of the content was very accessible because you could just start at the beginning and gradually catch up without having to figure out that you needed to read this mini-seires over here or that crossover over there and then in your head explain any contradictions that cropped up because of it.

[the-caws-meow]

 OKAY CAN WEJUST, EVERYONE sIT THE FUCK DOWN. It’s 3 in the morning adn i ‘m having feelings

so we all know Hals’ s most famous line right? “I’m scared to not exist, aren’t you?” OKAY FUCKING> HAL KNOWS DIRK ISN’T..

If anyone could pick out Dirks not so subtle signs of depression and shit it’d have to be Hal, Hal KNOWS that Dirk’s to the point of trying anything to jsut escape himself  so why would he pull an argument like that?/ 

Guilt and emotional manipulation. Hal didn’t mean jack SHIT of what he said in that whole part. He was playing up the guilt factor, saying whatever he had to to survive. Hal did want to live yesm but I don’t think Hal was actually ever scared of Dirk killing him. there were so many times that Dirk could have stopped Hals shenanigans, nipped them right in teh bud but he DIDN’T because he was weak and unprepared. He could have taught Hal from the start how to act because guess what Hal was a fucking kid 

he had had everything he had known ripped away from him so he did the one thing he had left, and that’s communicate. Now Hal still sees Dirk as an existention of himself, and while Dirk hates Hal, i dont’ think Hal ever really hated Dirk 

Hal understood the sht Dirk was going through because he knows he’s just dirk in a weird situation, Dirk could never grasp that. as much as both parties wanted to be their own person they were never really their own person they were eachother in different sittuation 

okay 

so 

back to the scared to not exist thing. Hal has learned that Dirk’s going to be a little extra lenient with him becuas eDIrk’s responcible for his existance and feels guilty about that. So he’s got wiggle room, he can basically do whatever the fuck he wants as long as he knows what to say to get out of it. 

Now we also see Hal flip flopping between denying he has any feelings to Dirk and claiming that he does and that they’re being hurt to Jake. 

Hal is a fucking master at playing with people and it’s great. in the worst ways. but the thing is Hal didn’t do it jsut to be a little shit he did it because he thought that’s what he had to do. that’s what he had to do to establish himself as a person because that’s what people were foing ot him

i love roxy but sh eused him as a smut roleplay partner because she couldn’t have the boy that she actually wanted and it’s bullshit. jaek only used him as a gateway to get to dirk. dirk only used hism as a tool to help him deal with his friends Hal was constantly being ued as a tool for someone elses perosnal gain and it makes me so sad because he deserved so much better than that. 

SO yeah, Hal knew he was safe, he wasn’t scared he was about to die or anything he knew he was safe he was playing up theatrics to get himself out of trouble yet again and was using Dirk and crew as little tools for his fucked up game but what would you expect from an AI who’s only been exposed to that kind of treatment?? 

I just have a lot of feelings about htis okay i’ll sfic it when i can see straight tomeoowr 

EDit” BEtere yet I’ll just copy and paste this to a new posts and fix it there instead of editing this garbage 

Edit Edit> I’ll jsut rewrite this thing like a n actual full blown essay yo, with a topic sentence and everything