#and I had a completely different outlook on media than I do now

[black-rose-writings]

I am terrible at life choices.

[ilex-opacus]

This is it this is the day I go crazy and talk about Akagi Ritsuko for way longer than anyone in 2024 should.

The way I have seen her miscaracterised is so.. so heartbreaking to me. Granted the Eva fandom is huge and I haven't been a part of it for a suuuper long time (I mean, the original fanbase from 30yrs ago is reduced to little more than a bunch of ghost accounts on dead forums by now) but the most common interpretation I see of her is something like this: A cold woman who has buried almost all her feelings for the sake of doing anything Gendo tells her because she's in love with him, who knows what she's doing is wrong, but who doesn't seem to care. A woman who has learned to care so little for the pilots, in particular Rei, who many people even say she hates, who only takes a stand on the "good side" once Gendo has personally scorned Ritsuko's love for him by having her put in solitary isolation.

And to me, that reading if her is just... Well not *wrong*, there aren't any *wrong* interpretations in media... What it is instead is willfully ignorant of so much if her character that proves almost all of that to be untrue.

Like yes, Ritsuko is cold. She's calculating and logical, but that's really about as far as the popular interpretation of her goes. She explains that being overly idealistic isn't something she scorns ("it's a nice way of thinking" directed at Maya and "your outlook is also important" directed at Misato) but something she knows she can't indulge in, otherwise the entirety of NERV's operating force would be hinged too much on personal feelings. Also, it's something she doesn't really know *how* to do. Look at Ritsuko's history -- a girl who practically grew up at NERV HQ, during the Second Impact, living under the constant shadow of a mother who didn't even give her the time of day. They write letters to each other in keigo instead of talking face to face. This is clearly a girl who's been isolated at least since high school, probably longer, who has probably lost so many people due to growing up during a damn extinction event. Someone who admits to being so poor at human connection that she supplements any hope for a family by raising cats, and even then! Even then she has to hand them off to relatives when her work gets too much for her. It's not that Ritsuko is cold and unfeeling because she enjoys it or scorns closeness, it's because she has never had the means or freedom to learn and foster those skills. It's her who introduces the concept of the Hedgehog Dilemma, she knows better than most how much you'll struggle to form bonds if you don't consistently try.

And Misato isn't some beacon of pilot safety either. The idea that she's the nice, sweet, helpful one and Ritsuko is the evil wench driving the pilots to their death is just blatantly incorrect. There are MULTIPLE instances of Misato being the one to endanger pilot safety, and Ritsuko being on the other end discouraging that. Take episode (I think 7 or 8?) where Ritsuko confronts Gendo about using children as pilots. She laments placing all of the burden on them, and spearheads the Dummy Plug system in the hopes it will alleviate that strain. Whereas Misato has made multiple allusions to molesting Shinji, has kissed him fully on the mouth, and seemed completely unaffected by the idea of sinking Asuka to unsafe depths in their fight against the 8th angel. The only difference in how they treat the pilots as child soldiers is that Misato is more vocal about how upset it makes her, whereas Ritsuko, not one to be talkative when it comes to her own feelings, as Misato points out, is not.

More examples of Ritsuko being nice to the pilots include: Teaching Rei and Asuka how to cook at Rei's request so that they can have a dinner together with Gendo and Shinji. Ritsuko sees this child, this child raised inside NERV in near total social isolation, begging for a chance at social contact, and she takes time out of her schedule so busy to the point she doesn't have time to wash her own clothes, to teach Rei how to cook. That brings me onto the next thing, actually, the way she's constantly characterised as despising Rei (specifically because she's "a competitor for Gendo's attention"). I can think of, at most, 2 canon instances where Ritsuko is actually mean to Rei in any specific, targeted, or substantial way. One is when she destroys the Dummy Plug system because, quote "these are just empty vessels, they have no soul. I'm going to destroy them, because I hate them." Which is bonkers to me! Bonkers! Because my IMMEDIATE thought when I first saw that scene was "Oh, of course Ritsuko hates the Dummy Plug system, it's science taken too far, it's a disgrace against life to create soulless husks, of course Ritsuko sees it as science used for too evil a purpose to justify. She hates them because they're inhumane." But somehow everyone took that as "Wow Rei I hate you so much I'm going to kill a bunch of your clones"?? I'm sorry, but since when has Ritsuko been characterised as being so *petty*? I mean, this is a 14 year old girl she's supposedly beefing with here.

The only other instance is when she says "(Unit 00) was definitely trying to kill me" after it goes AWOL during the 11th angel attack, implying Rei (who's soul is inside Unit 00) hates her, presumably because of something shes done. But OF COURSE she thinks that. Of course the head of this operation, who has overseen all of these horrible things, signed off on so many inhumane fights, thinks her soldiers want her dead. I don't think for one second Ritsuko thinks she's a good person. She literally says "you'll learn (that being idealistic is impractical) the first time you feel dirty." She feels guilt over what she does just like I said before, just like Misato does forging forward with this whole operation, she's just more quiet about it.

So why? Why does she do this? You can put Misato's involvement with NERV down to a genuine desire to help, the genuine illusion she's doing humanity good by protecting it. Throw in her half a revenge plot, and you can say she's doing these horrible things for ostensibly just reasons. But Ritsuko knows infinitely more about the inner workings of NERV, to the point it's implied (?) she killed Kaji, one of her only friends, to keep the information safe. People always put it down to just "she loved Gendo, that's why" and yes, frankly, that's a terrible reason. It also, doesn't make sense!

Take Ritsuko, a woman with little to no social fluency, a woman who can bouy herself only on her scientific merit, because remember, she lived in her mother's shadow for most of her life. The only way to ascertain her worth, especially underneath someone as unfeeling as Gendo, was to prove her commitment as a scientist. She didn't *have* anything else, she couldn't have anything else, no matter how much she wants to. A woman that has fought so hard for the approval of Gendo, and imagine you're her. Imagine your own mother won't even speak to you. You don't have any father around and you never mention him, but there is a man your mother seems to love. Odd, considering she doesn't seem to love you in any way that really counts. You'd want his approval too, no? You'd want approval from the man your mother, your overshadowing scientific monolith of a mother, melted back into humanity for. You'd want to prove you were as good as her, that you could enrapture the man she managed to ensnare. Because all you want is for people to see you, recognise you, that's like - THE key theme in evangelion across so many different characters. And remember Ritsuko was a highschooler when she met Gendo, when she found out her mother was having a fling. Imagine you're orphaned soon after, and all you have left is impossibly large boots to fill and this man, this man who is important, talented, and special enough to make your mother look at him, and he's asking you to help him. Of course you would. Of course you would. Because all you want is some human affection, no matter how clinical and predatory it manifests itself.

The line about Ritsuko and Gendo is literally "I wish you'd use my body again, like you did back then." Because Japanese lacks plurals, it can also be read "I wish you'd use my body again, like you did that other time." (In fact, I'm actually more inclined to that one because I see 時 used for singular occurance more than multiple ones, in which case 頃 feels a little more common?) I'm sorry, but you'll never convince me this wasn't grooming. Just look at the situation I described and try and convince me this is shorthand for "she was in love with Gendo." Idolised him, sure. Desperately craved his approval on an intimate and academic level? Yeah. Bit *loved* him? No. And there's certainly no way Gendo felt anything back other than some weird, predatory affection (I mean seriously, Gendo. You knew this woman when she was a high schooler and you were old enough to be banging her mom. There's a lot wrong with you already but now I'm adding perv to the list.)

And the plan he's making you execute, wouldn't you find it captivating too, if you were her? A world where all those emotional roadblocks you've built for yourself finally disappear, a world where you can open your heart and see your mother again, perhaps connect with her for the first time. A world where you don't have to prove your worth as a individual because you'll be part of so much more. A hivemind filled with love, clarity, and pure acceptance. Sure, she's not some virtuous saviour of humanity, but neither is Misato, really. No one who works at NERV can do so with a clear conscience or for an entirely noble cause. What I'm saying is that Ritsuko isn't as shallow as to do all that for Gendo's dick. She has complex, self-rationalised reasoning there like everyone else.

And that just brings me back around to her relationship with Rei. Maybe she does hate Rei, a little bit. Not because she's vying with her for Gendo's attention, because that's stupid. Ritsuko is a piller of calm rationale, of impersonality and reticence. In what world would she possibly be that possessive of anyone, even the man she idolises on a personal and academic level? She isn't even remotely cold or aggressive towards Kaji when he steals away Ritsuko's only friend or actively goes digging for NERV intel, she's KIND to him, welcomes him as much as she's able to with how closed off she's become. She isn't desperate for attention in the outward way someone like Asuka is. She wants Gendo to approve of her, but never exclusively. Id say the only person she's ever in competition with on that front is her own mother.

Rei is just like her. A girl with limited social contact who's only link to some greater sense of being and humanness is through Gendo, of all people. She needs him, depends on him, sticks to him and adores him despite knowing he's mistreating her ("I don't get special treatment. Believe me, I'd know.") She's also been groomed to be Gendo's obedient, grateful puppet, grateful because if not for him, she'd have somehow less. Maybe Ritsuko does resent her. Maybe it's like looking into a mirror at your old self and wishing you could slap sense into the person you used to be. Or maybe it's like looking at the person who made your mother commit suicide in guilt, perhaps. Everyone seems to forget that little detail.

Maybe the Dummy Plug system being destroyed wasn't Ritsuko's personal act of scientific disgust, maybe she hated those lifeless clones because she cares about Rei so much she knows a fate of reanimation into indentured military servitude is worse than death. Maybe a life spent captive under Gendo's grooming is worse than death fighting the angels. Maybe she can't stand the thought of Gendo using a person so many times over, never learning his lesson. Maybe she wanted to take away one of his strategic devices and punish him. But "she just hates Rei that much" seems like too shallow and excuse.

When Ritsuko turns on Gendo, everyone assumes it's because she's finally been personally scorned by him, and has realised he doesn't love her, or that she's angry he's thrown away all the scientific research she's poured into project E and wants to spite him. And okay, maybe those contain a grain of truth, but combined with her destruction of the Dummy Plug system and her asking him as early as episode 7 if using child soldiers is really something they can justify, Ritsuko's betrayal reads to me as a woman who has finally been given a wake up call surrounding the man who has used her for most of her life. Ritsuko is a woman who is closed off by necessity, of course it takes her personally being wronged by him in a massive, obvious way, to realise just how irredeemable he is. It's not "once you hurt me, that's it for you." its "once you hurt me, I can't overlook you hurting everyone else anymore because of how much I idolised you." That's a selfish road to take, sure, but Ritsuko hasn't the social fluency to be less so. Further proof her rebellion isn't just some scorned lover's hissyfit as so many people paint it is that she *continues* to actively work against him, dedicating all her time and skill, for 14 years during the Rebuild movies. She is so dedicated to stopping him that she works with WILLE for 14 damn years. If that's not a woman thoroughly convinced this man needs to be brought down for his crimes, I don't know what is.

Anyway. I have thoughts about Agaki Ritsuko. My beautiful blonde morally grey but still complex and emotionally wounded babe.

[fuckyeahalfredmolina]

...Speaking of Instagram (Or Social Media)

*warning long post ahead*

There’s another GIF at the end of the post

There’s nothing more I hate than people gatekeeping something. Or trying to shove their ideology down other people’s throats. I’m not talking about human rights and beliefs such as feminism or being an LGBTQ+ community ally because these are the things you believe in and stand up for. I’m talking about people projecting their own insecurities on others and trying to police how they think and act. 

There’s a reason the Ask button is disabled (yes I did it on purpose, it’s not a glitch) and the fact that I don’t check the notes nor follow anyone. 

As someone who was in a lot of fandoms on platforms that don’t even exist anymore and witnessed the rise in popularity of multiple celebrities, there are always dumb fans who ruin the fun for the rest. Always. This fandom is no different.

But just before I start, I want to link this study because it will help in understanding what I’m trying to say:

People Who Worship Celebrities Have Lower Cognitive Abilities, Study Suggests

For probably a year now, I’ve come across so many fans who try to forcibly shift the fandom in its entirety to fit their outlook. And try to make Freddino something he is not. This could be done in a respectful manner or even a fun way but no - those type of fans are borderline unhinged to say the least.

I’ve witnessed fights ensuing over trivial matters that are completely based on pure speculations or over things that are just personal opinions. 

How dumb you have to be to get upset over something someone said and it doesn’t harm anyone? How much years of brain development do you need to understand that everyone thinks differently and everyone has the right to say their piece? And most importantly: how hard is it to understand that you don’t have to chime in with your unsolicited opinion over every fucking matter? 

Social media really made people think that they have to have a say in what other people share and that what they think is important. It is not. Especially when a person is in their own space/platform/domain and didn’t specifically ask for opinions. Because of that, I’m not interested in interacting with anyone in this fandom on this platform. I’m just here temporarily to have fun and talk about Freddino in a way I like. It is okay if you don’t like what I share. I’m past the age where I look for social approval especially from people I don’t know. If one thing the internet has taught me is that  anonymity brings out the worst in people.

Previously, there were many message boards and platforms where we gathered as fans of Freddino, most notably IMDb message board (the website had a message board for every single person and every movie) which was one of the best places to talk about Freddino, his work, and life. Back then, it was so much fun! We could discuss anything and share everything we like. Of course there were annoying people, but not the extent that is happening currently. 

I’ve seen sheer absurdity by people who obviously still don't have their shit together or their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed yet or still need years of life experiences. Or probably just dumb. I use the word dumb, not stupid because to me stupid is a term I use for endearment. 

Here are a few things I’ve seen and I was taken aback by the unintelligence that the people exhibited:

-Salma Hayek and Harvey Weinstein:

There was an upsurge in this matter though it happened in 2017 but as you guessed - it’s the new fans who made a big deal out of it. Some blamed Freddino or questioned his stance on this matter or the #MeToo movement in general. Until someone dug up an old video of him talking about it and supporting Salma. Still, some people continue to make a fuss about it. Going around attacking him based on something unrelated to him that happened years ago is ludicrous. 

-Why does Fred talk about p*rn a lot?

Personally I dislike p*rn for myriad of reasons unrelated to religion or stigma (you can Google how predatory the industry is or the psychological effects of p*rn if you want to read more) but if Freddino watches p*rn, what is the problem? He likes to joke around and this topic is fun to him. Also these videos are old so maybe he changed his stance. Either ways, there is no problem unless you view p*rn or s*x workers in a bad light. And frankly that is “A You Problem” you need to keep for yourself. 

-“Don’t sexualize Fred! He is a human!”:

Oohhhh this one is my favorite! While I agree there’s a degree of sexualization happening in Hollywood, it is natural at the same time to find someone sexually attractive. Did we go out of our way to solely sexualize him? Did we stalk and harass him in any way? Are we focusing on his looks and ignoring his career? Do we acknowledge his acting chops or just stare at his titties?

The one person who I’ve seen cry the most about sexualizing Freddino is the same person who has written unhinged posts about meeting Freddino and how they spend their day “Reality Shifting”. Google this term. No seriously, do it and read about it from a psychological standpoint.

-Body Shaming:

This is where a lot of people are projecting their insecurities on Freddino. “Stop talking about his boobs! Fred is not fat! Don’t shame his body!” - when Freddino himself used to joke about nothing but his “moobs” in Spider-Man 2? A lot of his interviews are lost and so many information and websites are not available anymore during the era when the movie was released. He still openly talks about his figure, he’s not ashamed whatsoever. Actually, he comes off as confident. It’s you (I’m using generic you here) who actually have a problem and projecting your problem onto Freddino. Having a meltdown and fighting people because they said Freddino is fat? Guess what? He IS fat! And it’s totally okay. Because that’s how people actually look. He’s normal. He looks like a lot of people around us-- he looks like us.

Social Media really ruined people’s perspective regarding bodies and I’m glad I was born before all that craze (Google Social Media and Body Image). I’m not saying that this problem is exclusive to certain demographic groups or that old(er) people can’t have body image issues because of course they can but I believe when you’re basically born into the era of social media and perfect body depiction, it affects you deeper. This problem is so prevalent now more than ever. So people go around and demand others adhere to certain rules they have put for themselves based on their insecurities or beliefs. You see people on social media with *perfect* bodies and expect everyone who doesn’t look like that to be defenseless or a victim or need special treatment? You may be the one who needs a special treatment and likes to be addressed in a certain way but does that apply to everyone? If a certain word (if it isn’t a slur) hurts you and you don’t like it being used to describe you, does it mean it will hurt another person?

Some people like to argue semantics and say “don’t call him fat, use the term overweight”. It’s the same thing, you’re just projecting and actually defending someone over something he has no problem with.

- The Pronouns Battle:

I’ve seen horrendous fights over what pronouns Freddino uses. Pronouns are important no argue about that, but did he say what pronouns he uses? If he did, then great, if he didn’t, why are you speculating? Why lose your shit fighting people? Hell, why does it matter to you? He can use whatever he likes, why are trying to specifically determine his choice?  This was such an amazingly disgusting thing to witness because it showed me how some people invest in celebrities’ lives and how much they try to forcibly connect to them. 

I mean I did start a silly blog and I’m sort of investing an hour or so daily but I don’t go out of my way fighting people over something that isn’t related to me. It’s one thing to look up to someone famous but it’s a whole different thing to claim they are like you and you have similarities based on your false narratives. This leads me to my next point:

-“I know Fred! I truly do!”:

Nope, you don’t. Yes even if he “changed your life” and even if you really feeeel it in your heart that you do -you don’t. Whether you’re a new fan or an old one, you simply can’t know someone based on what they chose to show the world as an actor and entertainer. Believing you know someone because “you feel it deep down” is such an immature way of dealing with people and this will get you hurt. We all think he’s funny, sweet, gentle, sexy but we can’t claim to actually knowing him as his family and friends do. This is such a weird hill to die on and I’ve seen so many immature people chose to do so.

-Harassing other fans around because “that’s so mean” or they didn’t get the joke:

I once joked that I want to live inside Freddino and I’ll share the rent and utility bills. It’s an obvious joke, right? Right? WRONG! One fan went ballistic on me and cried over a joke they didn’t understand.

Many others try to police how people speak of Freddino and will not accept any criticism or a lighthearted joke or any comment that doesn’t adhere to their own views. God forbid someone isn’t worshiping your favorite actor and sees them as a normal human being with flaws.

And how about you allow people to say what they want, granted that they are not being awful? I’ll never use slurs or insults regarding sensitive matters but it’s totally fine to joke around. I call Freddino many things as a sign of my love and admiration because it is okay. I’m not accusing him of murder or diminishing his value as a human.  If this concept is so hard to grasp and if your prefrontal cortex is not fully developed, please log off or try not to bother people. He’s a grown man and doesn’t need you “defending” him. Both of us are insignificant to him, it’s not like he’ll acknowledge your existence for defending him over something so trivial. God some of you need a lot of growing up to do. I’m pretty sure someone must have had a complete meltdown over one of my posts or will in the future.

Do you know how ya’ll sound like when you take things seriously and start defending a celeb over something everyone else understands it is a joke? How absolutely smooth-brained you appear to be for “fangirling” in an obnoxious way? Have a look and if you don’t see anything wrong with what those fans said then yup - you’re one of them:

Tom Holland's Rude Fans Insult Sebastian Stan & Anthony Mackie Shuts Them Down

There’s a reason a lot of Discord servers and many places actually have kicked out a lot of sudden, new fans of Marvel and/or Spider Man or superheroes in general. So much drama, fuss, hurt over basically people sharing their opinions and engaging in conversations. This is not “passion”; this is mere obtuseness.

The silliness from some of the fans is ridiculous. However, to not contradict myself, I’ll never gatekeep so you do you boo but you do that away from me though.

Please stop being dumb. Thank you.

[deshaunicus]

Just sharing two of my favorite photos from 2023, but I also really need to just vent a little. The past year was a trying one for me.

There were some positives, for sure, and I've already written about those elsewhere. Today, however, I want to unload some of the more stressful things. I don't plan on going into a ton of detail, but I think I need to say it somewhere because I haven't been in a good place.

Work

The biggest source of stress for me has been losing my job at the end of June. I made a big move and left my finance job of 15 years to work for a non-profit media company in early 2022, and I got laid off about 18 months later. Make no mistake here: I loved that job and all the people I worked with. It was kind of heartbreaking to leave a place that made me feel so welcome. In the time since then, I've applied to a ton of jobs, and I've had only one interview. The interview that I was able to get wasn't even through the traditional application method—I had a friendly rapport with a recruiter and managed to land an interview that went all the way to its final round. Unfortunately, I didn't get that job and it was crushing. The little bit of savings I had has been depleted, and my unemployment ends in a few weeks. Job searching is fundamentally broken and it doesn't appear to be improving.

I've always struggled to get paid photo gigs, and despite what I'd consider to be a solid catalog of work, it has been difficult to consistently get in front of people who can offer paid opportunities. To that point, I had 4 paid concert gigs last year, out of 26 gigs total. I did have a handful of photography gigs that were not live music related, and I'm incredibly grateful for those, because they've helped to keep my rent paid for a little longer. Still, these are only occasional drops of income that aren't sustainable. I don't know what to do, and I'm pretty exhausted.

Relationships

Last year was possibly one of the loneliest years I can remember. Thankfully, my best friendships are still intact and I don't see that changing. However, there were just a lot of transitions that were starting to settle in for me. Most of my friends are married and/or have children, and quite a few of them have moved away too. It doesn't mean the friendships have dissolved—they're just different now and can't be maintained in quite the same way. Unfortunately, I still find myself occasionally revisiting abandoned friendships from years ago and grieving in one way or another—usually by having a flash of anger and then disappointment.

Romantic relationships were nonexistent. In fact, I essentially swore off of dating early in the year after a particularly demoralizing experience. Losing my job, of course, cemented that hiatus for me.

Professional relationships have also struggled. My attempts to nurture new relationships with artists, editors, and creative staff for photo work were fruitless. I did have a couple of people who successfully recommended me for work, but my own personal outreach was unsuccessful.

Outlook

I have made an effort to take the time and look back on the good things that have happened. I don't have selective memory about the good and bad things, but the bad things have been a mess. I don't know how I'll pay rent next month. If I manage to pay that, then the month after that becomes the new major concern, and so on. This is worse than paycheck to paycheck—there are no paychecks.

When friends casually mention things like plans for kids and marriage to me, I no longer confidently believe either of those things are in my future. Instead, I feel unlovable.

My sleep schedule is completely upside down now, and I don't leave my apartment for days at a time. I'm tired, and I would like to have one bit of security back.

On the very, very slim chance that you've reached the end of this, I applaud you. Part of the reason this is here is because I don't think very many people will check.

I hope that whatever 2023 was for you, 2024 ends up being better.

[alexbkrieger13]

New and good Kosse interview and with some really nice photos (not talking about the ones of her but she looks fab). Behind a paywall later. Don't miss at the end what Peter, Marika and Zecira have to say about her.

https://www.dn.se/sport/kosovare-asllani-herrspelare-maste-inse-att-de-kan-gora-skillnad/

Ahead of this summer's WC, the situation is different.

At the same time, the Swedish star wants to be more than just a soccer player, and would like male players to think the same:

- They should realize how much they can influence young guys' outlook on the world.

Tears well up in the eyes of Kosovare Asllani.

It is Easter Monday in Gothenburg and the following day Sweden will play its last training match before this summer's football World Cup.

She has a groin injury and has already missed an international match a couple of days earlier.

When she is now forced to answer no to the question of whether she can be part of the genre rope, it becomes emotional.

So emotional that the 33-year-old, who for a decade has been one of Swedish football's leading figures, both on and off the field, has to step away from camera flashes and microphones, try to collect himself.

- You may have short questions, she says to the gathered journalists when she is back.

She almost shakes her head to herself:

- It's a practice match... why do I care so much?

Six weeks later, and at the same time eight weeks before Sweden's World Cup premiere, she makes a comeback in her club team AC Milan.

She has longed to play without pain, says Kosovare Asllani when DN meets her in her new hometown of Milan.

Thick gold rings glitter on each index finger. And except when she carefully lifts the elegant coffee drink she ordered, her hands swing back and forth.

- Do you think I talk a lot with my hands? she laughs after following my gaze.

- I have become Italian!

On a terrace above the city's well-known cathedral, she, known as "Kosse", tries to explain the background to that press meeting last Easter.

She loves soccer so much that even a missed practice match hurts.

Kosovar Asllani grew up in Vimmerby in Småland with Kosovar Albanian parents.

As a child, she followed her brothers wherever they went. It didn't matter that they sometimes tried to shake the little sister off or ride her away. The goal was the football field, and she knew where it was.

- I started competing against my brothers early on.

- I think it was love for the sport right away. And since then I've never really looked back.

The relationship with the national team has not always been frictionless, but always special. The tears in Gothenburg were about frustration.

- I couldn't bear to be injured again, says Asllani.

- It's really sick. The body knows that you are injured, but the brain sort of says "no, no, it's nothing, push on". And then you try to push yourself to limits where the body does not feel well.

How much of an emotional person are you?

- Apparently a lot! If I get so bloody for such a question.

She stormed into Swedish football ahead of European Championship 2009 and filled the newspapers with spectacular headlines. Her water bottle had the word "diva" on it. She was going to be the new star. And she wasn't afraid to give her opinion.

Her background, outspokenness and technique were compared to Zlatan's.

Two years later, Kosovare Asllani was poked out of then national team captain Thomas Dennerby's World Cup squad.

When she met DN for a long interview that fall, she was completely cut off from the national team. The phone had been silent for months, and her forthright statements in the press were used as "horror examples" in the national team's media training, according to Asllani.

Immediately after the poke, there was the thought that she never wanted to play in Blågult again. But pretty soon something else popped into my head.

- They have stopped believing in me. But... I believe in myself, said a 22-year-old Asllani.

In the Olympics a year later, she was back, has since been part of the national team and, after several championship medals, became exactly the star she once so clearly said she would become.

Nevertheless, the road has not been straight. After being left out of the starting eleven in 2014, Asllani went on a hard attack against the new coach Pia Sundhage:

- If I had been called something else, and laughed and danced and pretended to be, then maybe I would act, she said then - and once again the headlines replaced each other.

Actually, it is only now, under the leadership of national team captain Peter Gerhardsson, that she feels that she is allowed to be herself in the national team, says Asllani.

- I have never adapted, I have always been myself. On the other hand, in previous years, before Peter took over (2017) I would say, I felt that everyone would fit into this square, no one was allowed to stand out, but you looked for more faults and tried to set a standard how you "should" behave . But since Peter took over, it doesn't matter how you are.

Besides, she has matured and gotten older, she says and laughs. It is a journey in itself.

- When I was younger, I didn't feel like I fit into the Swedish national team, maybe I came in with a different attitude. But it was also the way I had been brought up to cope, when I grew up it could be a bit tougher climate.

- I said in one of my first interviews that I wanted to be the best in the world. Maybe I had a different approach than others and was more clear about my goal, but I was labeled as cocky quite early on.

It was journalists – eager to find someone similar to Zlatan Ibrahimovic on the women's side – who created that image rather than herself, she believes. At the same time, she thought it was a bit funny with a high, and continued to "throw wood into the fire".

- But really, I've never been super cocky, but just been labeled as such.

Has that stamp gotten you down?

- Yes, in previous years, absolutely. Then the pressure got to me too. The first championship was the EC in Finland in 2009. There I felt that "shit, there is more pressure on me even though I am 19 years old, than on Victoria Svensson and Lotta Schelin". But I regret absolutely nothing, because I have learned a lot.

She was on the soccer field all summer vacation .

Once Kosovare Asllani started playing on a team, she found she was way ahead of her peers.

Football was encouraged in a family where football was always on the TV. Other relatives were questioning. Why would she, as a girl, run after a ball?

- It's a question I grew up hearing, she says - not at home club Vimmerby IF, but on a visit to Kosovo.

- I remember that I almost got a little angry. Because they didn't ask my brothers "why do you play football?" I remember that my mother also got angry and said "my daughter should be allowed to do what she wants".

Kosovar Asllani throws up her hands again and states that this happened 20-30 years ago, back when she was still called "Kotten".

- But when I have been and visited smaller clubs in Sweden, there have been parents who tell me that their daughters hear the same thing today.

What do you feel then?

- That there must be a change. It's happening more and more, but for me football, like all other sports, is neutral, it belongs to everyone. But I sometimes also hear that "I like that my daughter has you as a role model, because you dress like a girl". What does that matter?

She sees herself as more than just a soccer player. Kosovare Asllani has had that as a mantra in countless interviews.

She likes to raise her voice about gender equality and the conditions of women's football at the top level. But just as often about inclusion and integration in association sports.

- There are many who may not feel accepted, and sometimes discriminated against, in youth football in Sweden. So I feel that Swedish football has a job to do.

When she made her national team debut in 2008 in an EC qualifying match in Västerås, she became one of the women's national team's first players with a foreign background.

- It's time for some foreigners in the national team, Asllani said before the debut - but 15 years later, very little has happened at A national team level.

Admittedly, there are more players with a foreign background in this year's WC squad. But in a comparison with the men's national team, or for that matter with, for example, France's women's national team, Swedish women's football lags behind.

- For me, it's about the need to train all leaders even more so that you can take the next step, says Asllani.

- Because the talents are out there. You have to give them a place and see them. Sometimes it can mean that you have to do an extra job of creating a relationship with the parents.

She takes the example of Asllani court , a football initiative for girls with a foreign background in her childhood residential area Bullerbyn in Vimmerby.

- Some of my best friends ran the project, and there they had to spend an incredible number of hours building relationships with the parents, so that the girls would even be allowed to come and train.

- It went from them getting a strict no to the children being allowed to come. And it also ended with the girls getting into association football and in the end the parents were there supporting matches. One of my best friends started crying when she saw it.

This summer's World Cup will be record-breaking and women's football is breaking attendance records after attendance records in Europe. Established men's clubs invest heavily in their women's teams - and players can today make a living from their sport in clubs such as Barcelona, ​​Chelsea, Bayern Munich and Milan.

- But I get more questions about what has happened outside the world than about formations, how we play, any particular match. And they had never asked men's players, says Asllani.

- If journalists ask men's players, it is not that they are very knowledgeable about what is happening in the world. You don't get very good answers to your questions, I would say. But we are expected to know about everything.

She personally has nothing against it, she continues. She knows that her voice can influence, and she wants to use that.

Should men's players take more of a stand on various issues?

- I think men's players need to realize what platform they have to be able to make a difference. I don't think they realize that. Because there is so much money in men's football. They play football, go home, have several houses and their entire families in place... it's easy for them to live the professional life.

- So yes. I think they should realize how much they can influence young guys' outlook on the world, because for example, not many men's players have gone out and supported women's players as they could have done.

Over the years, conflicts or exchanges of words between Sweden's women's and men's national teams have flared up from time to time.

Like when Zlatan Ibrahimovic said in an interview almost ten years ago that Sweden's greatest women's national team player could be praised for his international record with "a bicycle with my autograph on it, that will be fine". Unlike the men's counterpart - who got a car.

Or when the previous national team profile Nilla Fischer turned to men's players and men in general in an incendiary speech about equality at the Football Gala, and the men's national team felt rushed.

- If you choose your words when you talk to the media, if you support women's players and so on, it affects younger people more than you think. Instead of having someone who is the best in Sweden who says that women's football is shit. Because then that's what these young guys take with them into society, or if they see a girl playing football, says Asllani.

Should we see the last as a pass to Zlatan?

- You can say exactly what you want, but I just think it's a shame that you don't choose to use your platform for a positive purpose

Kosovare Asllani's all-white outfit – shorts and short-sleeved blazer – stands out as she poses for the camera among tourist groups and aperitivo-hungry Italians around the Piazza del Duomo.

Italian is still on the to-learn list. So far, the Swedish star is making his way in Spanish.

The career journey has gone via a first professional contract in Linköping with a salary of a few thousand - "the parents had to bring bags of food, I had a very small apartment but I thought it was big at the time" - to some of Europe's leading metropolises. Paris. Madrid. Milan.

She is probably more of a big city girl than a small town girl, she says.

- I love fashion, clothes, the hustle and bustle of the city. Maybe not many people like it when there is movement all the time, but I love it.

So far, there have been games in six different countries: Sweden, USA, France, England, Spain and then Italy. The fact is that Kosovare Asllani, apart from in Sweden, has never changed clubs within the same league. Instead, the Swedish star has often gone to leagues or clubs just on the brink of a major development journey. Gut has been allowed to rule.

- I think it's exciting with big projects.

- I don't like changing clubs in the same country, but am driven by testing new cultures, new languages, new leadership, how football is played in different countries. So choosing Italy now… I could have gone back to England or France but it doesn't appeal to me because I feel like I've done that. And Italy has always been on my wish list.

Suddenly, it is more crowded than before in the glass-enclosed fashion mall next to Milan's cathedral.

On the ground at an intersection is the well-known image of a bull, Il Toro, in mosaic. Putting one heel on the bull and spinning around on one leg is said to mean luck. Kosovar Asllani has done it before, but wants to do it again.

On July 23, Sweden begins the hunt for gold in the WC.

Three voices. About Kosovar Asllani

Peter Gerhardsson, the captain of the Swedish women's soccer team: "When I started in 2017, 'Kosse' played a lot on the left in the national team - although I thought she would be ten (the creative link in the center between midfield and attack). So she was actually one of the first that I placed. Then I like players who take their own initiative, who dare to go against me and question. She does it. She showed qualities that I thought she had, but also qualities that I didn't know about, like her skill defensively and willingness to run. She is a leader type who has great faith in herself and faith in those around her. I want brave players, and she is a brave player and a brave person.”

Marika Domanski Lyfors, long-time national team manager: "'Kosse' is cocky but in a charming way, she was when she joined the national team as well, and that permeates her whole person. Much of what she is passionate about has been helped by the fact that she has a bit of this cockiness too, she dares to say what she thinks. And I think that's good. When she opens her mouth, I think a lot of people are listening. She is incredibly important as a role model. There are a lot of little girls who have started playing football because they have 'Kosse' as their idol. And then it's not about her background - but about her way of being."

Zecira Musovic, national team goalkeeper and England professional: "When I was younger, I didn't have a very good grasp of Swedish women's players, because the coverage of women's football was not that great. But I now see what a role model 'Kosse' is for today's youth. It is important to have people to look up to in order to be able to dream yourself. You have to be able to see it to be able to believe that you can also get there, or further. She is a fantastic person and a great player who is extremely important to our national team. I am truly delighted to share a football generation with her. She is a great teammate and fantastic team player. A friend who is close to me.”

[holisticsoulhealer]

Melting Pain - A Spiritual Story

There have been many instances over the years, for me to be guided to help individuals when they were faced with major situations that seemed too overwhelming to deal with alone. A great deal of these were medical and of a physical nature. Someone got a diagnosis that sounded like the end of the road, and that’s pretty miserable to have to deal with, especially when it first hits. I have found that meditation and a positive outlook of potential is vital to move the energy to a completely different position.

I remember one lady was going through a circumstance of losing both breasts and her whole world felt like it was entirely different for her. She couldn’t make heads or tales of what she was supposed to do with a new version of feeling feminine and beautiful. We walked through a meditation to remind her that she was much more than the physical and that the truth of who she was could not be altered with anything lost on the inner layers of her essence, regardless of what happened to the body that housed her spirit. She had physical, emotional and more challenging, the mental process to go through with the impending changes she was adjusting to.

Our work was for her to make emotional peace with the changes that weren’t going to define who she was. Her mind had to relax and accept that she would see a different version of herself in the mirror. Her homework was to prepare for a melting of the pain of not being who she thought she was, and a replacing of who she was about to become, with a very different mirror image. She had to stand in front of a mirror every day once all the body had healed enough to gain its healthy color again.

She had to stand and touch and love that body again, in its new form, to melt the pain away of the changes she may not have deliberately chosen if it wasn’t a family line of destiny in her case. She had to love her and forgive the family genetic line that had created this truth that could complete with her, once she loved and transformed it thoroughly. This is only one of many, many examples of how we can melt the pain of some of the hardships life has in store for us.

As always, please share this post with anyone that you feel can benefit from it! Please like us on your social media channels and subscribe to our mailing list if you haven't already done so! We are mailing out a monthly newsletter and a recap each week of our blog posts and interesting tidbits! This is how you can stay informed with what is new in the world of The Holistic Soul Healer!!

Love & Blessings,

Ruth

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[themascarasnakeuniverse]

Being a “writer.”

Since I was in my early teens I have wanted to be a writer. I just liked the idea of it. I was under the impression that they where rich, people listened to them and they could just sit in a bookshelf lined study and work alone, unhindered and in their own time. I can pinpoint when the desire began. I was experiencing what I know understand to be psychological bullying at school. I talked about my interests and what I was “obsessed” with a lot. At that time it was certain TV shows. My fellow pupils began to tease me about spending too much time in front of the good old idiot box. Anything was an excuse to mention it. If I had not attained a good enough mark at a certain piece of work it was because I was too busy watching TV and did not study. If I could not catch them when we played “tick” (tag or tig depending on what part of the world you live) it was because I spent too much time sat in front of the telly and was unfit. If I had not watched TV on a certain I would make sure to mention it the day after, most of the time I was ignored. The teasing continued when it suited them. One of my peers had a shelf full of videos that where unsuitable for a boy his age but that did not stop him asserting I consumed too much media.

This affected me more than it should and I internalised the opinion that I was overly inclined to spend time in front of a screen. I went to the library with the intention of withdrawing an adult book. Something I could read instead of turning on the TV of an evening. As I did not know anything about books or authors I was at a loss as to what to get. Had I asked for help the librarian would have directed me towards the age appropriate books. I did not want that. I spent a good while looking blankly art the shelves. Then I saw them. The books of Stephen King. I knew the name. I knew his books contained swearing. I knew I was not allowed to watch movies based on his work. But my parents could not stop me getting a book from the library. I chose “It” because that was the bulkiest tome available with his name on it. “I could miss a LOT of TV because of this book” I thought as I handed it to the librarian. Part of me was expecting her to stop me taking it home. But that did not happen. I put it in the bag I had with me and rode home on my Raleigh Flyer with the buckled wheel.

It took me a good three months to finish “It” and I can remember little of it now. That and many other books by the esteemed Mr King are on my to read and re-read list. As I worked my way through the adventures of “the losers club” from Derry, Maine I began to form an opinion. Stephen King was rich, if I got that rich I’d never have too see my tormentors again. I bet nobody got on Mr Kings case for watching too much TV. I though that if I became a successful novelist I could do what I wanted and everything else would fall in to place. Also, people listened to and respected someone who had written a book.

Perhaps I should have pursued English when I went to college. But I had to resit GCSEs in order to progress to A-Levels. I did not have to resit English Language or English Literature. By the time I had completed these resits I had decided not to go for A-Levels and chose a vocational cause for the next two years. Perhaps had I studied English at A-Level things may have taken a different path. I abandoned my plan to write professionally in every way except in my dreams and daydreams.

As I sit here as a cynical adult I have a very different outlook. I still love the idea of being a solitary writer, having a study and closing the door on the world whilst I compose a masterpiece. However I am aware that writers have to do things like promotion and book tours. They have to please an editor. They have to write what is popular and likely to sell. I am also aware that many fantastic writers produce amazing books for small presses and still have to keep a day job whilst Dan Brown can write utter bollocks and the money flows in because tomes sell to millions of idiots who would not know a good book if it kicked them between the legs.

I have also learned that writing is not easy. It takes time and mental energy and rejection is heartbreaking. Yet I cannot give up the romantic notion that writing would bean ideal life and would make me happy. Many writers tell me that poor mental health is almost guaranteed. And I still hang onto the belief that it would be an ideal career for me. And I still look at creative writing textbooks on the shelves of the library and thing “I should get those, shut myself off and work my way through them.” I never do.

As I sit here in a cafe in my home city that was a famous haunt for actors, writers, musicians and creatives around forty odd years ago I realise my ideas are at best misplaced. I do NOT need a retreat. I need to shit or get off the pot. I need to get on with it. More resources are available to me than where to that thirteen year old with bad friends who took things to heart. I can pirate textbooks. I can look at YouTube videos about famous writers and take advice from a million other enthusiastic amateurs. I have just had to look up a correct spelling on Google. That was not available to me when I held that copy of “It” in my teenaged hands and thought “I will do this myself one day.”

[finelinevogue]

he’s so vogue

Description - you are the journalist for the new Harry Styles December Vogue Issue

A/N - how is everyone doing? hope you enjoy! if you have any requests please feel free to ask. love you all and have a lovely rest of the week!

warnings: swearing

[masterlist]

Being a journalist for Vogue was probably the biggest flex you could ever make.

After 3 years of studying English Literature at Surrey University, you never thought, only a year after, you'd be working as an apprentice at Vogue UK. If it weren't for your Aunty, who worked in the fashion design section at Vogue HQ, then you'd no doubt still be a broke-ass, single, lonely student. Ok, lonely you still were but your job was so full-on that you didn't have time for a relationship.

Two years into your apprenticeship you were promoted to an official member of the team, and then another two years later you got promoted to team leader in your department of journalism, and editing; The Media - or as you like to call it - "The Celeb Goss". You were beyond happy with your job and found such passion in every article your wrote. Whether it be about a new celebrity romance or the collapse of one, you found a way to story-tell in such a meditated way that everyone loved your pieces.

That's why the Harry Styles had requested you to be the one to interview him.

Of course you'd written about A-list celebrities in the past, producing articles on pregnancy rumours, or engagements, or breakups, but you'd never met them before authoring an article. You'd met plenty of D-list celebrities who thought they were mega famous, but if you mentioned their names people would turn around and ask "who?".

This is why interviewing Harry Styles was a massive thing for you.

Not very often did you get to do work out in the field, especially in these covid infested days, but nevertheless it was your favourite part of the job. Getting to meet the people you were writing about was completely refreshing, allowing you to obtain a clearer outlook on which direction to take on your journal piece.

You were asked to go to Stonehenge, where the photoshoot was being filmed, as your office of interview. Even though you'd lived in the UK all your life, you'd never actually been to Stonehenge. It wasn't really on your bucket-list, but it was a pleasure to get to see it all the same.

Being the prepared interviewer you were, you'd prepared an array of questions that you were set on asking Harry. You'd never met him before, but after much googling and youtubing of him prior to meeting him today you would already be confident in saying he's the most brilliant man to ever exist. You were really nervous that you were going to screw this interview up and make a terrible mess in front of Harry Styles.

"Lisa! What if I accidentally say something I shouldn't?" You ran your stressed hands through your hair.

This whole morning had been frantic. It had started off by you waking up late, no thanks to Lisa, your best-friend and co-worker, pressing snooze on the alarm. You wanted to look professional today so you'd put on your best shirt - only to spill coffee down it ten minutes later. So now, you smelt of coffee and were wearing what was left in your wardrobe - and it wasn't much. The only things left clean were a pair of pink corduroy flares and some, pastel coloured, graphic t-shirt to go with it.    

"You won't. Stop being so negative." Lisa rolled her eyes, probably fed up with the amount of winging she'd heard from you this morning - and you'd only been awake an hour.

"My outfit is hardly professional either." You huffed, pouring the rest of your, second, coffee down the drain.

"Well I think you look gorgeous." Lisa stated, whilst putting her breakfast bar wrapper in the bin.

You and Lisa were back and forth about you stressing, and such, for about half an hour before you had to leave. You had a great panic about losing your glasses too. You could see without them up close, but for long distance viewing and reading you were practically blind. You were taking Lisa's car, since she didn't think you were emotionally stable enough to drive. Lisa was the creative director on the set, and thank goodness she was so you could at least ramble to someone.

After a two hour drive up from London, you arrived at Stonehenge and it was freezing. Although the sun was out, it did nothing to keep your body heated. The journey up had been nice because you sat in your nicely heated car, chatting away with Lisa and blasting some Harry Styles out of the speaker. You'd made it through the first album, and the second one up to Canyon Moon before reaching your destination.

Upon arriving you could just about, without glasses, make out about 15 other cars, arranged at the bottom of a hill. There was an array of Audis and BMWs, a few Range Rovers, which you placed your bets on one was Harrys, and a green, vintage, Jaguar which was most likely belonging to the fashion editor or something. There was also a modern barn, perched at the foot of the hill, which was where Harry would be getting changed in to his various different outfits.

It took you a moment to register that Lisa had parked and was already clambering out of the car, making you look a little idiotic still blankly staring at the beautiful scenes in front, and around, of you.

But it was still bloody freezing.

You jogged a little to the boot and whipped out your white cardigan. Originally you'd thought that this would've been enough to keep you warm, but now you were starting to think otherwise.

The atmosphere here was amazing. People were rushing around left, right and centre loading, and unloading, various pieces of equipment and clothes. You caught sight of brightly coloured fabrics being carried to and from various places. There were the camera crew, and presumably director, all chatting amongst themselves. The smell of the very fresh air was so lush that you'd forgotten what it smelt like - especially after years in London.

You grabbed your bag from the boot, which had your notes, recording kit and laptop stuffed inside, before locking the car and following Lisa in to the barn.

It was lovely and warm inside - a completely different climate to than the outside. It was as if it was Bali inside and Antarctica outside. Better Bali than Antarctica though.

"Ok. Let's put our stuff down over here and then go find people we need to meet and such." Lisa instructed, you still too in awe of the place to fully comprehend what was going on.

You followed Lisa and you two ended up dropping off your stuff next to some other bags. You took a liking to the purse next to your stuff. Next to your bag, it made yours seem ancient - like it was worth nothing more than a penny. It was luscious and a beautiful baby blue colour. You softly ran your hands over it, finding satisfaction in how smooth and subtle it was.

"Hope you're not planning on stealing that, love." A manly voice appeared from behind you. You whipped around to see who's bag you'd been messing with, and it was just your luck that it was to be Harry Styles'. Of all the people's it could've been it had to be his. 

Perfect.

He looked dashing. He was in black flares and his iconic 'But daddy i love him', t-shirt, along with a huge green anorak. His hair was prettily clipped back with a pink clip, presumably placed there to gave his curls greater volume. In his hand he had a pink toothbrush and you guessed he'd come back over to put it away in his bag - only to find you caressing it instead.

"Oh - no, no. Not at all. I - uh - I just thought it was beautiful." You stammered over your words, choosing them carefully to try and make you look less like an active criminal.

"Mhm." Harry nodded whilst looking you up and down, most likely judging why a peasant like you, in comparison to him, was touching his expensive property. "Well, I love your flares darlin'." Harry looked down at your trousers, his compliment making you blush a little.

"Thank you. That wasn't professional, and neither is my outfit, I know, and I apologise." You added, because you knew that if your boss knew you turned up today the way you did she would give you a right bollocking - and potentially even fire you.

"Never apologise for flares. You look amazing." Gemma perked up, making you feel more self conscious surrounded by all these other beautiful women. Gemma was in a slouchy, knitted, jumper and basic jeans - no doubt all from shops beyond your budget - and yet she looked like a model fit for the runway for Vogue.

"Okay, sorry." You apologised again, to which you, creepily, got the exact same, stern, look from the Styles siblings at the same time.

"My stylist, Harry, introduced me to big pants. He offered whether I wanted to try a pair of flares, and I was like, 'Flares? That's fucking crazy'!" Harry laughed as he told his story, earning a laugh out of you too. "Now they're my favourite item of clothing. Have a whole wardrobe dedicated to them."

"I wish he was joking." Gemma laughed at her brother and his flare obsession.

"Well you do look handsome in them, so I understand why." Your words rolls off your tongue before you could even comprehend what you were saying. Only after you finished your sentence did you completely intake what you'd just said.

"Good start." Lisa giggled to you, before turning to walk over to the coffee station. It was a help-yourself coffee bar and you knew that you were going to bed at least five cups to get over the last five minutes alone. You'd probably drain the station before letting anyone else have any.

"Oh god." You awkwardly mumbled, not daring to see how weirdly Harry would be looking at you, before walking off outside.

You had spent less than 10 minutes here and yet you'd never felt like a bigger clown. Joining the circus had never been so easy.

The outside wind hit you like a powerful leaf blower, and your hair blew around like crazy - most likely compiling into a birds nest on the top of your head.

Today was supposed to be the start of something great. Your hopes were set on a promotion from your written masterpiece, whilst enjoying the company of one of the most handsome, most lovely, most talented men of this century. Those hopes seemed a little too distant now. They seemed to mock you, as if to laugh at how you ever thought you were going to be any more successful. You'd completely, in more ways than one, made a fool of yourself in front of your interviewee, you were so underdressed, you were caught fondling his Gucci purse and you were still bloody cold.

It all felt too unprofessional for a job where professional was practically the driving force of the company.

You leaned against the barn, taking a deep breath to try and calm yourself. You were a master in over-thinking, but unfortunately that wasn't something you could add to your resumé. You let your eyes close and the other senses come alive for a few moments. The sounds of distant sheep and the smell of the cold wind were just two of the senses that allowed you to take a step back for a minute, and breathe.

"Thank you." A voice interrupted you from your attempt of quick meditation. You looked to your left and noticed Harry standing there, still in the same outfit as before.

"I'm sorry?" You asked confused, taking a step away from the barn to considerately pay more attention to him.

"Thank you - for saying I look handsome in flares." He repeated, smirking when he added the second part.

"Oh." Was all you could respond, feeling too embarrassed to take the conversation any further. "I should—" You pointed back to the barn, using it as an excuse to leave before yet screwed up anymore.

"Lisa told me you're the interviewer." Harry added, and it only occurred to you that you'd never actually introduced yourself. "So it's lovely to finally meet you Y/N." He stuck out his hand for your to shake, which you did willingly. His hands were a lot softer than you'd expected.

"Ho... You know my name?" You asked surprised.

"Of course. I also know you're the best writer in Vogue right now." He flattered you, which made you blush. You had a feeling he'd make you do that a lot today.

"Sure." You rolled your eyes as you spoke sarcastically.

"Well I chose you for a reason, didn't I?" He rhetorically asked.

"I mean.. I, well.. I don't know?" You stumbled over your words, making yourself look like a larger fool than you did already. Today was just turning out to be exactly what you didn't want it to be. "Sorry."

"Stop apologising. You do it too often." He told you, nearly making you apologise again but he gave you a jokingly stern look, as if he knew what you were going to say, and so you decided otherwise.

"Harry!" You both turned to see there was a man waving towards you both, but specifically to Harry. "Come get changed!" The same man shouted. Harry lifted his thumbs up, as if to signal he'd be there shortly.

Harry turned back to you and noticed you shiver a little.

"I'll start the interview after I come back from the dressing rooms, yeah?" Harry asked, taking off his, khaki green, trench-coat in the process. He handed it to you before you could oblige against it.

"Wait what?" You confusedly looked down at the coat and back up to Harry.

"Gives me a piece of mind knowing my interviewer isn't going to die of hypothermia before actually interviewing me." He smiled, obviously attempting to crack a joke and you have to admit you did laugh.

"Thank you." You say, before he runs off to where he's being called to.

                                                            ••••

You'd been sat inside for a little while, waiting for Harry to come back. It gave you time to perfect your questions though.

Thinking up questions to ask Harry had been a challenging task, but one that you'd been fully invested in. You loved creating questions to ask him that were going to get to understand him on a deeper level. He was a very private man, and you completely respected that. If you crossed any boundaries, with the questions you'd ask, you would write them out of the interview. You liked to think you hadn't thought up a question that would make him feel uncomfortable though.

Pissing off Harry would be on another level of shame.

"Coat kept you warm?" Harrys voice disengaged you from your notebook.

"Hm?" You asked then replayed what he'd just asked in your mind. "Oh, yes. Thank you very much." You stood up, from where you'd been perched on the floor, picking up your nearly finished green tea as you did so.

Only when you stood up did it come to your realisation that Harry was now in costume. He was dressed in luxury. Each item looked like it cost more than your rent, and that was saddening. He looked rich and luxurious. To be quite honest, you were finding it rather difficult to take your eyes off him.

"You think the outfit is Vogue enough?" Harry asked, striking a few poses, which made you laugh. It was refreshing to see him act so relaxed and carefree, rather than a stuck-up-prick you knew some celebrities to be.

"Completely. I love it!" You exclaimed, appreciating the twirl he did for you.

He was wearing a kilt-like skirt and he looked beyond beautiful in it. Fuck toxic masculinity. Fuck being a manly man - like what does that even mean? Harry was embracing gender fluidity and experimenting the ways in which there was no definitive line between men and women's clothes anymore, and you thought it was marvellous. Revolutionary, for times as politically and socially troubled as these.

You started removing the coat in attempt to give it back to him, but he refrained you from doing so by holding on to your forearm.

"Keep it. I thought we could go outside to start the interview, so you'll be needing that." Harry told you, and you agreed - however reluctantly that was. You couldn't really complain though, because the coat did kept you warm and, what's better, it smelt divine - just like you'd imagine Harry to smell.

"Okay. Thank you. Do you want to go now?" You asked hesitantly, not knowing whether he was busy for someone else right now.

"Whenever you're ready, love." He answered, making you feel more relaxed. He was going at your pace and was making you feel settled - he was even more of a gentleman than people described him to be.

The two of you had walked around the backside of the barn in silence, enjoying the comfort of each other's presence. Well, at least you were. It was a blessing no one was back here. It was just you, Harry and the scenery that surrounded Stonehenge.

You approached a bench and you plopped yourself down on one end, whilst Harry sat on the other. He respected the fact that there was a pandemic going on, and didn't want to make you uncomfortable in any way. You still had your mask on, so Harry had taken that as you were very conscious about the virus - which he admired.

You pulled out your glasses, from the depths of one of the coat pockets, and placed them on your face, probably making yourself look even geekier than you already felt. Today was just one of those days you wished you had good eyes...

You opened your spent notebook, musty pages practically falling apart, and turned to the section of questions you needed for that interview. You were so nervous already and you hadn't even asked anything yet, all because of the previous interactions with Harry today. Your shaky hands shuffled through the pages and you cursed under your breath when you struggled to find what you needed.

"Shoot. Come on." You mumbled quietly under your breath, hoping it would make this terrible situation end faster. You mustn't have been as quiet as you thought though.

"Y/N." Harry's name broke through your clouded mind of self-disappointment.

You looked up at him to see him softly smiling at you, blowing all worries away from you away with the wind. "Yes?" You timidly asked, pushing your wind-swept hair out of glasses - where it'd gotten caught.

"You’re alright, love. You don't have to be professional around me, alright? We're just two strangers having a conversation, to get to know each other, okay?" If his words didn't calm you enough, the soothing sound of his husky voice certainly did.

"But that would mean you asking me stuff too?" You replied, confused at his implications of the phrasing 'getting to know each other'.

"Mhm." Harry nodded his head.

"Oh I don't know Mr Styles, i'm not a very interesting person." You answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, pushing your glasses back up the bridge of your nose from where they'd fallen.

"I refuse to believe that." Harry chuckled, making a quick smile appear on your face. "And please call me Harry. Just Harry." He begged, obviously finding it weird you calling him by his professional title. All you wanted, ever, was for your interviewee's to feel comfortable and safe, so if Harry wanted you to call him Harry then so be it.

"Ok, Harry," you sarcastically said, earning a shake of the head on his behalf, "you can ask me a few questions throughout the day." You told him, but you knew he'd struggle to find even two questions when he realises how bland you are.

"Does that mean you only get to ask me a few as well?" Harry smirked, already knowing the answer to that question. Unlike Harry, you had to write an article about today when you got home and so he knew that you'd have to dig as much dirt as possible from him.

"No, sorry. I don't particularly want to lose my job." You paused to look down at your notes, squinting a little as you did to see better. "Okay. Tell me your experience with corona virus."

"Sorry I didn't quite catch that, love." Harry apologised, leaning in slightly to see if he could hear you a second time around.

"Sorry." You looked down to fiddle with your fingers - a habit you'd undertaken when you're embarrassed. "Um..," you cleared your throat, "would you mind if I took off my mask?"

Your timid voice sent tingle down Harrys spine. He didn't think anyone could ever be this sweet. "Not at all, ‘course you can." He replied, again, wanting to make you feel as comfortable as possible.

You hesitantly took off your face mask, feeling like you were in some dramatic movie where they face revealed someone. You kind of liked having the mask on, because, for one, it kept you warm, and for two, you were a little self conscious with how you looked compared to all the other women here today. You shoved the mask in your pocket, with trembling fingers, before looking back down to your notes.

"Woah." You heard Harrys voice being mumbled under the wind. You eyes shot up to his and you noticed him staring right back at you.

"W-what? Is my acne playing up? I knew I should've—" You self-consciously run your hands over the areas you know you got acne. The masks really didn't help when it came to skin care.

"Hey, stop. No. You just... You look beautiful." Harry complimented you, and a roaring blush arose on to your cheeks. You'd never been called beautiful before, and so you were taking the compliment like such a 13-year old.

"Oh, uh, thank you." You awkwardly answered, not really having any other words come to mind in that moment. Harry chuckled under his breath, still keeping eyes on you for some reason.

"Would you mind repeating your last question, I didn't quite catch it?" Harry asked politely.

"Sure. Um, tell me how you've experienced corona virus." You repeated for him, gripping ahold of your pen to start copying what he says and pressing start on your recording device in case you needed it later.

"Well, it's been tedious that's for sure. However, I just want people to be safe and for life to return back to normal, so therefore i've been very MIA for a lot of the time. Keeping to myself mostly. I only went out for hikes or bike rides. All my meetings were online, so it's been very lonely." Harry kept eye contact with your figure the entire time, and if it weren't for you concentrating on writing what he was saying then you'd probably melt away under his gaze.

For such soft eyes he sure was intimidating.

"I presume the loneliness sent you crazy at times." You laughed, because you sure felt that way through lockdown. Curse being single.

"You have no idea." Harry laughed along with you, making you, slowly, feel more at ease.

"Actually, you'd be surprised." You looked at him unsure, before returning down to your notebook.

"Okay then, first question from me," Harrys words made your head shoot up, "How can someone as amazing as yourself be lonely?" He asked and you made a mental tally of how many questions he'd asked.

"Could ask you the very same question, Harry." You slyly replied, avoiding the question by answering with another question. It was a tactic you'd learnt, throughout your years of journalism, when you wanted to dismiss something .

"That's cheating." Harry pointed at you and raised his eyebrows, but you couldn't take your eyes off the big, cheeky, smile perched on his face. You shrugged you're shoulders in defence and returned to your questions. "But you did just call me amazing, so I think i'll let it slide this one time." You blushed, again, when you understood what he meant.

He was amazing though - that was the truth.

"You were in L.A. for the majority of quarantine, am I right to say?" You already knew the answer but your manager had just wanted confirmation.

"Yeah, but L.A. feels like holiday, whereas London feels like home." He answered, which you appreciated. He hasn't got lost in the way that Hollywood could let people. He'd stayed grounded.

"So what did you entertain yourself with during quarantine?" You asked curiously, slightly side-tracking from your pre-written questions - just because you were intrigued (nosey).

"Not much, not to be boring. I ate a lot of bread. I worked out pretty much every day. I wrote quite a bit actually." He used his fingers to pinch his bottom lip, something you'd noticed he did in interviews.

"Does that mean a new album on the way?" Your inner fangirl was screaming at the thought of HS3.

"Can neither confirm nor deny." Harry smirked to himself, like the cheeky bugger he is.

"That's a yes then." You joked, pretending to write it down in your notes.

"You're impossible, you." Harry laughed and shook his head. It made you feel all funny the way you could make him smile like that. You were the source of his happiness for just that moment, and that was enough to make you feel happy for a lifetime - not that he felt the same.

"Next question," you stated, moving swiftly on because you knew you had limited time, "How's your experience with Vogue been so far?"

"Wonderful. Everyone has been so welcoming and that makes it so much easier for me to have fun. It's daunting going at things alone, but i'm getting slowly used to it now." Harry sniffled a little, probably due to the freezing cold weather here.

"Must be strange, not having four best friends around you, all the time, anymore." You stated rather than asked him, sure that he was missing his bandmates. I mean, you were - so he definitely would be.

"Brothers." Harry replied, making you look up at him confused.

"I'm sorry?" You asked, giving him your full attention.

"You said four best friends. Well, actually they're my brothers." His words actually caused a rift in your heart. You could feel it being pulled apart and torn in to two. If you wrote this in to the magazine the fans would have a worldwide passing-away-party.

"Harry." You said softly, slightly tearing up at his words. "God, I swear i'm not normally this emotional." You chest your throat and try to establish your dignity - however there wasn't that much left anymore.

"Oh shut up." Harry looked away obviously trying to hide the fact that he was tearing up too. You laughed at him but didn't draw any more attention to it than you guessed he would've wanted.

"They mean a lot to you then?" You asked, hopefully not treading on any unwanted territories.

"Much more than a lot, yeah." Harry nodded his head, turning it back to face you. He could tell this conversation was now off-the-record because of your closed notebook, your undivided attention towards him and the fact you’d turned off the recording device. He liked being able to look at you, rather than the top of your head. He swore you were the prettiest girl he'd ever seen.

"You still see them often?" 

"Not as often as i'd like. Niall did come around the other week to drop off some old guitars he didn't want anymore, and then we ended up playing around with some music for a bit." He admitted, which stitched your heart back together.

"So does that mean a Narry collab?" You teased, biting your bottom lip in anticipation.

"Narry? You so are a directioner." He laughed along with you.

"And you just avoided my question, therefore there is a song out there written only by you and Niall." You concluded, which shut him up.

This conversation was going a lot better than expected. Certainly a lot better than earlier. You will be permanently scarred by the way you spoke to him and handled his belongings. It was going to haunt you forever - and yet he'd forget about it by tomorrow. Or maybe he wouldn't, which is why you felt the need to apologise.

"Harry?" You asked, clearly indicating this was still a conversation away from the interview.

"Yes Y/N?" He watched you intently, listening to your every word.

"I, um, just wanted to apologise for my behaviour earlier. I was just really nervous to meet you, and to be honest still am. I didn't mean to touch your stuff without your consent and I certainly didn't mean to make you uncomfortable with any of my comments. So, i'm sorry. I can only imagine the awful, yet true, things you must think of me." You rambled really quickly, that you were uncertain whether Harry even caught one word of what you'd says.

"Do you know why I asked for you to interview me Y/N?" Harry asked, which wasn't the first thing you expected him to say after your apology.

"No. I...well Lisa told me it was because I can write well or something." You suggested, not wanting to sound egotistical.

"I mean you do write perfectly, but no." You were intrigued now. "I asked for you because I, and this is not for your magazine, have a secret - but not-so-secret - crush on you." This time it was Harrys turn to blush.

"Harry... you don't have to say that to—"

"I'm not saying it for anything. I sincerely think you are the most delightful, most prettiest, most fucking sweetest person i've ever met." Harry exclaimed, which you were taken aback by. Never, ever, did you think that Harry Styles would proclaim his likeness towards you. Ever.

"Harry don't mess with me, please." You shyly spoke, tilting your head down in disbelief that the Harry Styles was smitten about you.

He shuffled along the bench, stopping a little way from you but close enough to reach out for you. Your heartbeat increased when you noticed his hand move closer towards you. It didn't stop till he reached your face. He took his time, courteously, pushing your hair behind your ear before removing you of your glasses. He held the right-eye frame and slowly pulled the glasses off your face.

Once he'd successfully taken them off he folded them up and placed them alongside your closed notebook.

"Can see those pretty eyes now." He whispered quietly, but loud enough for you to hear.

"Don't lie. They're so dull." You mumbled, lifting your head up slightly. His face was still away from you.

"Not to me they're not." He retaliated, looking deep into your eyes as you did his. "I hate this corona virus."

"Why?" His words were so out of the blue sometimes, it gave you whiplash.

"Because I can't be as near to you as I want to be." Harry told you. And yeah, you hated corona too. It was getting a little laborious now.

"Smooth, Styles." You chuckled. You wondered how many new and weird pick-up lines could be made from covid. 

"I know." He winked, which honestly would have made you throw up if it were any other man on the planet. Somehow, though, Harry just made it seem attractive - along with every other thing that man ever did. "After this, would you like to come back to my house for a cuppa tea?" He asked sweetly, like a five year old asking whether you wanted to play together.

"Okay. Lisa was my ride though." You said more to yourself than anything else, debating on how you'd even get to Harrys. Uber? Taxi? Lisa? Walk?

"I'll drive us, it's fine. I have to drop Gem off, but i'd be more than happy to chauffeur you." Harry kindly offered, to which you were internally screaming about. You were literally, and metaphorically, having a field-day with all this Harry content and interview.

"Are you sure? I don't want to be a burden." You question politely, not wanting to overstep any boundaries - especially in these covid infested times.

"Of course. I wouldn't have offered otherwise." He protested, waving his hand at if to say it was no bother. You were already trying to work out, in your head, how much petrol money you were going to owe him.

"Then i'd be honoured to have a brew with you Harry." You giggled at how cringe you were being, even if this was just your normal self speaking.

"Great." Harry genuinely smiled, teeth and all. "My shoot should take a couple of hours, but feel free to continue to write and journal. I'm looking forward to reading this particular article." He winked at you before standing up.

"Wonder why?" You sarcastically asked, knowing full-well it was due to his exposure of his own feelings towards you. Even though you'd never says anything back you were quite in agreement on how you felt about him, like he did you. He would be a narcissist to say he knew you liked him the same, out loud, but he knew. And you knew that he knew.

"Wonder why indeed." He gave you one last smile before he'd disappeared for the rest of the afternoon, leaving you to digest and relive the past half an hour or so.

Being Harry Styles' crush was probably the biggest flex you could ever make.

                                                          ••••

After Harry had finished up his shoot he was quick to come find you again.

You'd watched parts of his shoot and he looked magnificent. There wasn't a good enough word to describe how amazing he looked. Harry, his stylist, was probably the best stylist out there. His fashion choices were unmatched and you wanted him to be yours. You were not rich enough nor fashionable enough, ironic for working in a a fashion company, to hire a stylist, but you would if you could.

You were so proud to see what he was achieving now as the person that he was. Harry was just being Harry, without the devilish control of shitty managements or ridiculous amounts of PR stunts. Harry was more free than ever, and it definitely showed just how much he was enjoying it.

You were certain that this Vogue magazine would break the internet - his fans were good at doing that. This could be a turning point for many people, with their outdated and ignorant views. There was no room for people with racist or homophobic or transphobic or xenophobic - and the list does go on - views anymore.

You were waiting by the front door of the barn, to catch Harry as he walked past. You caught sight of him in a white robe, presumably to get changed back into his everyday clothes. He looked really pretty in the robe - very domestic actually.

Today had been a good day.

Harry asked you to send over the more specific Vogue questions to him via email, so he could devote more time in to answering them in a lot more depth. You thought he meant you'd be sending them to some PA in his team, but you were shocked to understand he'd given you his personal email.

People were walking back to their cars and packing away the filming kit. You saw Lisa and the director talking to one another, no doubt discussing some in-work gossip.

"You ready?" Harrys voice reminded you that you'd been waiting for him. You looked to see he was back in the same clothes as this morning, only this time without his coat.

"Here?" You offered, having him over the coat once again but he declined.

"Looks better on you anyways." He winked at you, before walking through the car park and to his car. You were very surprised when you found out Harry was the one to own the green Jaguar. You assumed all celebrities drove the Range Rover, but no. The vintage car added to Harrys immaculate vibe and just made him that little bit more hot.

Harry properly introduced you to Gemma, who was equally as lovely as Harry. They were both amazing people and they were crazily alike. From the way they looked, down to the way they phrased their words, they were mistakingly twins. Gemma explained how Anne, their mum, didn't know they were doing this photoshoot and that it was going to be a surprise, which you thought was so cute.

Gemma spilt a lot of gossip on Harry, to which he got very embarrassed over. You learnt that Harrys first word was Cat. You learnt that Harry is godfather to multiple children, which you found heartwarming. You learnt Harry used to be a baker - which was something he elaborated on for a good half an hour. Harry was just a fountain of memories and Gemma was the one sharing them all with you.

The drive back to London was relaxed. You sat in the back, listening to Harry and Gemma pointlessly argue whilst an Arctic Monkeys album played in the background. You forgot that people like Harry drove, and listened to music, just like other regular people. You often misplaced celebrities in society, thinking they had everything done for them but in reality that (often) wasn't the case - at least not for Harry.

Gemma was dropped off quickly before Harry drove to his. It was no surprise that the Styles siblings didn't live too far away from each other. Harrys house was beautiful. Bigger than anything you could ever dream of buying. It was a palace compared to your cupboard-sized house. You were unbelievably jealous. He gave you the tour of the house, showing you where the toilets were, and even his panic room if necessary.

You migrated to the kitchen for a bit, talking about anything and everything. Getting to know the minuscule pieces of information that no-one else was trusted with, made you feel special. Harry made you feel special - even if he weren't meaning to.

Every moment held a spark. Every touch set off a firework. Every laugh was an electric burst. He made you feel so alive.

"We can go to the living room after this has boiled." Harry said, pointing towards the streaming kettle. He wanted to show off his fancy tea collection he had, and let you have a try if you wanted to. Harry was boring and chose the basic green tea, but, after much deliberation, you chose the cranberry green tea. It intrigued you and it sounded delicious.

"Why the extensive tea collection?" Not even you, a certified caffeine addict, had this much tea in your house. Coffee was a different story and one in which you didn't want to talk about.

"They help me with my meditation." He took the teabags and placed them in his glass mugs. They had a delicate Gucci stamp on them, and you just imagined that they probably worth the same amount as your daily salary.

"You meditate?" You were slightly surprised that he did.

"I try to yeah." Harry nodded, focusing on pouring in the boiling water into the mugs. "I've got very tight hamstrings and so it helps if I meditate twice a day."

Harry finished making the tea, in the light-filled kitchen, before showing you around to the open-lounge area. Everything was modern and chic. It was exactly how you imagined it, but better. The open, red-brick, wall was a beautiful feature and one that you were a whore for! It reminded you of New York and the memories you'd made there one summer.

The sofa was a beautiful velvet, green, sofa. It was soft and gentle, a lot like Harry when you thought about it. The whole house was an architectural masterpiece and you'd be lying if you said you weren't jealous. You sat on one end and Harry went to go and sit on the other end.

"I don't bite you know?" You joked, self-consciously wondering whether he didn't want to be sat near you.

"I know, I just don't want to step on any of your covid boundaries - which is perfectly fine by the way." He added, apprehensively taking the spot next to you.

"No, not at all." You ushered him to sit next to you, as you took a sip from your steaming hot cup of fruity tea. "If I smell though, do tell me!"

"Yeah, you smell bloody awful!" Harry sarcastically remarked, but laughing afterwards to assure you he was joking. The atmosphere went quiet for a minute, only the sounds of passing cars and deep breaths being heard.

"Y/N can I ask you something?" Harry turned the tone of the conversation. It sounded like he wanted to be more serious than you two were being beforehand.

"Anything." You encouraged him to continue. You placed the cup of tea down on the table, deciding it was too hot to drink right now, and gave him your full attention.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Harry questioned. You didn't think you'd be having a conversation this intense - especially if you had different opinions - on your first day of knowing each other, but here you were.

"I believe you can love someone at first sight. I don't believe you can be in love with someone at first sight. Why?" You were curious as to how his brain had journeyed to this particular topic. You'd never really had this conversation with anyone before, mainly because you were unaware of the true power, and meaning, of love.

"It uh... It doesn't matter." Harry shook his head and you could tell by his body language that he was shutting you out. Maybe you'd made him uncomfortable.

"Sorry I didn't mean to—"

"No, no. Please don't apologise. It's just - I like you a lot more than you may think." Harry shyly told you, which made you all soft inside. He was being vulnerable and that was something you admired in a partner. You didn't just need love, affection and trust in a relationship. No. You needed vulnerability and heartbreak too, and Harry was revealing that part of him to you.

"I like you a lot more than you think too." You repeated, not because you felt bad for him but because you truly did like him a whole lot. Love was a weird yet wonderful thing, and if you were to hazard a guess you'd say you loved Harry. 

You couldn't wait to be in love with him.

"Does that mean I get to crown you my girlfriend?" Harry excitedly asked. Harry happy was something that should be made a constant, and you were more than happy to be in control of that.

"At least take me out first." You bargained, wishing for nothing more than to go on a date with Harry. Where you'd go, you had no idea. Everything was closed right now and there was still the chance of becoming sick with corona, but no doubt Harry would think of something not only clever, but special.

Of course you'd love to be Harrys girlfriend. However, you wanted one more, official, opportunity to really get to know him - unprofessionally. You wanted to make sure that you knew, and he knew, that you wanted to be with him because he was the charming Harry you've come to love, not because he was Harry Styles.

"So you're allowing me to take you on a date?" Harry smirked like a little child, your heart fluttering at how excited he was to be able to treat you to dinner.

"Yes, Harry. Yes I am." You answered sweetly, offering him the cutest smile you could.

You can't believe what a turn of events today has been. You've gone from nearly writing yourself on Harrys enemy list to writing yourself on to his 'people he's dated' list. Who knows what the future would offer you. At the start of the day you had wished this whole day to end and for the ground to just swallow you up, now you never wanted it to end. It was too perfect to be true and yet it was.

Harry was the most wonderful human to exist and you were beyond surprised to be the one to catch his attention. You didn't understand why you were so special, but it was nice to feel like this for a change. It was nice to feel wanted.

                                                             ••••

A few months later and you were officially Harrys girlfriend.

It had been such a crazy few months. Harry religiously took you out on dates every week. Whether it be to grab a hotdog at a local diner, a coffee from a quaint cafe, a walk in Hyde Park or a late-night drive around London - which normally ended up with you falling asleep before you could make it back to yours. On sleepless jet-lagged nights he'll still drive through London's quiet streets, seeing neighborhoods in a new way, just as an excuse to spend time with you.

Harry often stayed over at yours. Even though you looked like you lived in a shoebox compared to Harry, he liked it. He liked the subtly and normality of it all. He wanted your life to remain as normal as possible and, apart from the occasional paparazzi incident, it did. You never had anything to complain about. Of course the online bullying created emotional wounds, at the start of your relationship, but it was nothing that Harry couldn't repair with a bit of love.

Lisa has nominated herself to be maid-of-honour when the day comes - if the day comes. Harry has already pinky sworn that you are it for him. The one, as some may say. You were utterly flattered, but you certainly unsure of what the future help for you both.

You loved Harry, you do love Harry and you will forever always love Harry.

It was ridiculous to think that all this stemmed from you working at Vogue. From you studying English Literature in a city away from London. From you dedicating you extra hours gaining work experience and money to be able get in and afford university. So many moments in life have you stopped and said 'i wish i hadn't have done that', but now you were convinced that they were the best things to have happened to you - because they lead you, all, to Harry.

And, being Harry Styles girlfriend was probably the biggest flex you could ever make.

[chibioomi]

￫ 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞 ! : sakusa x musician!reader

tags: romance, long distance relationships

summary: you and sakusa have been in a relationship since your second year of high school. now, a few years later, you both have relatively busy schedules; sakusa playing and practicing with the MSBY jackals, and you touring the world due to your successful music career. while both of you are travelling different parts of the world, what’s keeping your relationship alive is the phone calls made throughout the day.

ㅤㅤㅤ ───────────── .°୭̥ ❁ ˎˊ˗

three months, seventeen days, five hours, five . . . twenty . . . forty minutes. the time seemed to drag by a lot slower when you weren’t actively doing anything. the small things; the quick, warmhearted touches, the lingering, doting glances in crowded places, where things to miss about being in the same country as your boyfriend. many relationships would suffer after being physically apart for so long, but not you and sakusa kiyoomi’s. maybe it was due to the simple reality that when you both were together, there was always a small, comfortable distance between you two. even though sakusa loved you dearly, he just couldn’t get over his germaphobic tendencies. it was something you had come to an understanding with early on, and when people questioned why you weren’t bothered with it, you would plainly state that you two had your own means of showing affection.

you never expected them to understand, they didn’t feel the way sakusa did about germs. neither did you, but you acknowledged why he felt the way he did. that, and the fact that he was trying to be a little more open about it, made you comfortable with it all.

you had gone from standing at an arms distance to being close enough to hold pinkies, a method he preferred over holding hands, especially in public, in the means to not to lose you. when you two were in a small space together, he’d actually remove his mask, given that you were alone. occasionally, he would plant a chaste kiss to your cheek, or allow you to do the same to him, and on highly rare occasions, he’ll give you an actual kiss. any other time, you either both have masks on [ wearing a mask in public has just become a normal thing for you ], or just one of you will. he’s still not a big fan of cuddles, and will only do so if you’ve both taken a thorough shower and put on clothes fresh from the drier [ quick hugs are ideal, and when he’s feeling extra affectionate, they’ll last almost two minutes ]

and none if it bothered you. in fact, it was all of these little things that lead you to fall deeper into love with him. and you knew you would continue the fall, and there would be no end. there was a hidden rush to it all, deep down, hidden under the surface. it was something only the two of you felt. loving sakusa was refreshing. it gave you a new outlook to life, something you appreciated.

you knew you weren’t the only one that felt as if being in this relationship helped you find new aspects of yourself. sakusa felt the exact same. though it was a rather tedious process, you helped him see the world other than a never ending rotation of disease. he now held a deeper meaning within himself. he was just as appreciative of you as you were him.

being away from one another for so long didn’t affect your relationship. if anything, it made it stronger. it was evident to anyone around you both that you missed one another, but it wasn’t to where it would affect your performances.

when you weren’t practicing sets, on stage, doing meet and greats and interviews, and every other responsibility you held as an upcoming musician, you were watching his interviews and volleyball games. when he wasn’t playing, practicing and so forth, he would scroll through the different fan pages on his social media to see what you were up to [ he found it a little weird at first, why did people seem to know where you were at every moment ? ]

but when you both were free, and when time permitted, you made those late night / early morning face time calls that made everything much more bearable. they were both of your favorite parts of this temporary, long-distance relationship.

“how’d your show go?” sakusa asked one night, well, night for you. it was midnight by time you were able to call him, and it was almost seven in the morning for him. he had asked you to just go to sleep, that you two could talk later in the day, but you argued that by the time you’d be free again, he should be asleep. that conversation lasted a few minutes before you came out with the upper hand.

“i think i had one of those ‘i made it moments’, tonight. it was just crazy to see how many people were there, enjoying the music i made. to hear them singing along . . . for them to say that my music makes them happy . . .” you had trailed off at that point, at a complete loss for words to describe how you felt. directing your attention back to the screen, you saw your boyfriend’s proud face, and it almost brought you to tears. “and to think, you’re the one that actually pushed me to do all of this. i owe it all to you, you know.”

sakusa shook his head, his untamed curls falling onto his forehead, which brought a small smile to your lips. “no, y/n, i only asked you to do something about that talent you have. you’re the one that put in all the hard work, those long hours. this is all because of you, and i couldn’t be more proud.”

“i love you so very much, omi.” it took everything in you not to let the warm tears spill onto your cheeks. you weren’t a highly emotional person, but the constant support from the man you loved, the words of encouragement and praise were enough to pluck at your heartstrings.

“i love you, too, y/n. more than anything. but make sure you drink some tea, take a shower, then sleep now, okay? you look exhausted.”

so no, continuous tours you both went on weren’t painful. because you knew when you two were finally in person, you’d get yourself a hug and a quick, masked kiss. and until then, you had these phone calls to pull you through.

[marueonmain]

Bottom Line ~ Memeulous

Summary: George is concerned about Y/N’s well-being but does not know how to approach or handle the situation. 

Pairing: memeulous x reader

Warning: !!DO NOT IGNORE!! MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING - EATING DISORDER(S)

Word Count: 1.2k

Whether or not youtubers are classified as celebrities, four million people is still a lot of people. It is about five times the seating capacity of all Premier League stadiums combined.

Naturally, there was overlap between George’s four million followers and the one and a half million people who viewed Alex’s video on instagram fitness influencer Ashley Nocera. It was an entertaining video with an interesting segment where the flatmates weighed themselves on camera.

“I think George—I think we’re legally dead.”

It was a joke, of course, to which the younger laughed, and the older argued. Both men were fine weight-wise: just on the lighter side of what would be a ‘normal’ weight range for their height and sex.

While it was fun for George to angrily defend himself whenever he was called small or to push the ironic narrative of being massive, it was not in truth something he cared about. As long as he had skin to keep his organs in and bones to hold the skin up, that was all that mattered to him.

It was Alex who first pointed out that his girlfriend might not see it the same. George was not observant, but following that conversation, he tried a little harder, and he noticed some things.  

Y/N bought two new identical shirts – seemingly the same fit and size as ones she already had just in different colours – but these did not fit her. She also twice blew up at him for changing dinner plans as if it were his fault the restaurant was closed or too busy to seat them.

“Are you not dressed? We got to go.” Y/N chirped, fiddling with putting her earring in as she emerged from the ensuite into the bedroom.

“You’re not eating as much as you should.” And there it was out in the open. George did not have time to even think how best to approach the topic before his concern overrode his rationale and took control of his mouth – spilling the words out messily.

Y/N shrugged, “Yeah.”

“Well…isn't that like…a problem?”

“Maybe, but I’m not going to deal with that right now.” She finished with her earring and crossed the room to her small shoe collection. “If we don’t leave soon, we’re going to be late.”

“We’re not leaving Y/N. We need to at least talk about it.”

“Now?” A frustrated sigh rumbled through her throat. She threw her hands up in mock surrender and resigned, “Fine. What do you want to say?”

“You know we were together all Saturday and Sunday, and I never saw you eat more than a bowl of cereal and a banana.”

Y/N scoffed, shaking her head she asked, “Is that it? What you’re worried about? You know I don’t eat a lot. Never have. Besides, we ordered in pizza Sunday night, remember?”

“You had two slices!” George spoke sharp and loud before pulling himself back down. “I just—I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me. Even if you think it doesn’t matter or it doesn’t make sense, you can tell me. I haven’t been where you are, and I’m not sure what we’re meant to do from here, but I’m all in for you.”

“We do nothing. I’m fine; I’ve been dealing with this for years.”

“By ‘this,’ you mean your eating disorder.” He did not know how she could be so casual about something so serious.

“I can handle myself.”

“Obviously not. You don’t think I’ve noticed how you started having to wear a belt with all your jeans else they fall right off you? Or how you always change clothes in the other room?”

“Fuck off.” Y/N snapped; the blinds of offhand indifference were ripped down to reveal the blinding light of an angry sun. “Look at you, George. Look at your friends! Attractive, successful social media influencers. I’m not dumb. Ok? I know the type of women who get with guys like you – they’re graceful, camera-ready goddesses. They’re not fat.”

The last word broke off in her mouth and shattered against the floor. Tears sprung to her eyes, and she was quick to turn from George and wipe them with the back of her hand. All the while, her set jaw, and tense muscles worked to maintain her previous unfalteringly stern expression.

All George could muster amidst his bewilderment was a meek, “You’re not fat.”

“I know. Why do you think that is?”

“You don’t understand. You’re noticeably thinner. It’s enough that people are asking me if you’re alright. A quarter of the comments on the last video you were in are accusing me of like forcing diet pills down your throat or other bullshit. Even Will and Alex and them have brought it up.”

“Oh, I see.” Y/N barked out a short, humorless laugh. “So, this isn’t even about me. It’s about you. How you look to your friends. Got it.”

“They’re our friends, and they’re worried about you; I’m worried about you.”

“Well, I’m not going to change. Alright? Bottom line. I know what I’m doing. I know my body and what works for me and what makes me feel good about myself. There’s nothing you can say that’s going to change my mind now, so let’s just leave it. Forget about it and go. We’re already late.”

It took another few moments for either to speak as it seemed the subject was dropped altogether. Y/N collected her keys and wallet up in her hands while George changed his shirt. And both moved to leave.

The solemn silence between them broke just as Y/N locked the door behind them.

“I’m breaking up with you,” George said.

His hard-hitting gaze coaxed a temporary softness from Y/N. Her shoulders relaxed, even turning inward, a hesitant smile on her lips as she searched his face for the joke. “That’s not funny.”

“I’m serious. If you refuse to get better, to even try, then I’m not going to be there while you make yourself worse.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Sure, I do. Bye, Y/N.” George took a step backwards, before turning around completely and walking up the hall toward the stairwell. He did not even want to share a ride down in the lift with her.

And Y/N did not call after him like in a romantic comedy, nor did she follow him with an intense desire to proclaim a new outlook, a changed perspective on the situation. Her feet remained planted, and her mouth shut. She did not see it for the ultimatum it was – at least not at first.

Y/N: alright, I get it, v dramatic. You made your point Y/N: this is so stupid! Y/N: don’t be a dick. text me back. Y/N: you’re serious? All this over what 3kgs??? Y/N: Fuck you!! I don’t care I’ll go out by myself!

Y/N: answer the phone. Coward. Y/N: must be hard to ghost me on every platform

Y/N: ok I get it Y/N: isn’t 72hours a fair punishment? come by so we can make up.

Y/N: answer the phone. Y/N: George, I get it. I’m not alright Y/N: I’m sorry, Answer the phone, and we can talk, please!

Y/N: I need help Y/N: I’ve made an appointment with a psychiatrist. Y/N: she specializes in eating disorders.

George: When’s the appointment?

Y/N: Thursday @ 11

George: I’ll be at yours with the uber at 10. I’m sorry too.

Eating Disorder Helplines UK: 0808 801 0677 USA: 800.931.2237 Canada: 1-866-NEDIC-20 

[lady-plantagenet]

What are your top ten novels about the Wars of the Roses? And why?

I think it’s obvious by the length how enthusiastic I was to answer this ask xx thank you for asking me and giving me also an opportunity to make a masterlist of some sorts of all my reviews xx. But you know? I speak like quite the expert but in reality I’ve read very little histfic about TWOTR because I just newly got back into this hobby (about a year ago) and have little time in general so tbh the last three books on this list I do not personally care for but since I’ve read so little novels of this kind they are here nonetheless hhh (so please people, give me no angry asks asking me why I am endorsing PG, I’m not).

1. The Last of the Barons by Lord Edward Lytton-Bulwer

This is quite possibly the best book I’ve ever read in my life. The gap between these books and the rest is a chasm the size of the world and I wpuld genuinely reccomend this book as an actual piece of literature to anyone, not just TWOTR fanatics. It is written in 1840, in quite old timey lingo and it centres around Richard Neville 16th Earl of Warwick, but in the true tradition of a real classic it is more than just a character drama, it astutely showcases the purpose of Warwick and what he did in the context of his wider world and doesn’t just chalk it up to personal greed. There is also this fascinating subplot about courtship, science and such. Hell, you even get this eccentric ‘natural philosopher’ guy called Adam Warner who tries to make something like a steam engine and gets employed as an alchemist by Jacquetta and Edward IV.

From a historical standpoint it is quite biased as the author himself was a politician (and an actual baron) and tbh I don’t completely agree with his interpretation of history and I can see some of the Victorian inluences slip in, but some of his takes are very refreshing and he clearly consulted the primary sources. I am much interested in his philosophy and life outlook though and while I don’t think his Warwick is the Warwick, I think he (Lytton-Bulwer) understood him like no other novelist could. As for the writing style... here’s an excerpt of a good reads review that I agree with and tells you all you need to know:

“Of course, such a style of writing no longer exists. The language used is essentially foreign to us. But the nobility, the pride of this story work their ways into your bones, your heart. You will yearn for honor once you have left it.“

Basically, go type it into google and see what I mean. You don’t even need to purchase this book it’s all online at the first click on Gutenberg.

Nevertheless, I’ve posted excerpts of it here, here and here =)

2. The King’s Grey Mare by Rosemary Hawley Jarman

This book (unlike the latter) has zero actual historical value. Actually, it sort of does in the way that it hilights certain real events that most people are unaware of when it comes to its protagonist: Elizabeth Woodville, eg the whole Cooke tapestry affair and the whole Desmond affair. Both things which I still stand on the fence about (if you don’t know what I’m talking about send em another ask or pm me). But like, it isn’t political, philosophical or such in any way like the first book, yet you still feel like you are *there* in the 15th century - by the time I finished reading it my heart was wrung dry and I kind of fell into a down for a couple of days because I just wanted to feel the magic again. If anyone would ask me I would give this 5 stars because it perfectly achieved what it set out to do (I can’t expect all books to go above and beyond like #1), it made me feel for the characters who were super complex, was accurate historically and even when it wasn’t it made sense, it got very creative with its themes (which I like to see because I am not interested in reading the exact same story over and over again) and the prose was absolutely magical and brought all the depth to this novel. I’ve read classics with less flowing and poignant prose, yes actual classics!

This book also switches POVs quite a lot (basically it headhops because it’s written in omniscient- but whatever, rules are meant to be broken), so you’ll get to see many of your faves in there, Edward IV, Margaret of Anjou and Grace Plantagenet feature quite heavily. One thing that disappointed me is that it wasn’t really Edward IV/Elizabeth Woodville (at the time I bought it for that), she never really likes him and his love for her kind of wanes towards the end. If you’re not too bothered about that then I say go buy it.

3. The Daisy and the Bear by K L Clark

I put this here because we are already going into shakier territory when it comes to this list. This is kind of the last *really* good, truly five star one. It is a long spoof about TWOTR but god it’s smart! Yet, It does not take itself seriously and has Margaret of Anjou/Warwick the Kingmaker as a crackship and centrepiece and had me in stitches the whole time. I’ve written a long detailed review for it here.

4. Death be Pardoner to Me by Dorothy Davies

This is a novel about George Duke of Clarence. Quite possibly the only novel ever written about him in existence and boy is it a trip - the author claims to have channelled him (she’s a medium). I’ve written a detailed review for it here. I read this last spring and my views have unfortunately changed, the thing is, I’ve come to find out through my research that this was quite possibly a hoax as there are some indisputable inaccuracies (Ankarette Twynyho’s age, the details of Isabel’s death - we *know* she did not die from childbirth, Isabel did not reunite with him after Tewksbury 1471, but right before Christmas 1470). It’s also quite Richardian (the author admitted) and she could have *had* me had she not chose to divulge it in the foreword. Nevertheless, I still like this book because it did get to me at certain points and it’s good quality as a novel, I remember shedding a tear at one point even which is extremely rare for me but I think that says more about my sentiment for the subject matter than the book itself.

5. We Speak no Treason by Rosemary Hawley Jarman (not yet finished, so ranking may vary)

I haven’t finished it yet, so I’ll leave it here for now. This book is a Richardian book about Richard III, but I can’t get enough of this author, I haven’t found anyone to replace her with. The prose is magnificent as usual and I must confess that I’m happy that this book is told through the POVs of three OCs and not Richard, he remains rather elusive and tbf I find the three OCs very interesting and at this point I’m more interested in their stories than anything else. Of course, Richard III is still a fairly prominent part of this novel (even when he doesn’t appear) and it has led to me getting annoyed quite a bit. Given who I am I fumed massively at that one aside that Clarence and Edward have bastards whereas Richard isn’t like that... like are you serious?? At one point the author reassociated the Games and Playes Chesse book to Richard when it was in reality dedicated to Clarence and I got even more annoyed. Leave the poor figure something ma’am? Whatever, as a book about three medieval commoners it’s fantastic and that’s what I pretend it is.

6. Wife to the Kingmaker by Sandra Wilson

Nothing more to add than what I wrote in my (super-long) detailed review on here. This is the case because I read it very recently. This is a novel about Anne Beauchamp 16th Countess of Warwick, it’s ranked higher than Sunne because though it’s less accurate it’s got panache.

7. The Sunne in Splendour by Sharon K Penman

I feel very strongly about this Richard III book and what it represents. I wrote a long detailed review about it on here and a follow-up post on the discussion is here ft my awesome mutual @beardofkamenev ‘s insights also thrown into the mix. Xx

8. The White Queen by Philippa Gregory

This is a step higher than the other two because this book pretty much changed my life. The thing is, I read it translated into my own language by an extremely talented translator and I was also only about 11/12 years old so it was all very impressive to me then. This book about Elizabeth Woodville effectively introduced me to the TWOTR; an interest that has never really left me these past ten years (though at one point (ages 14-19) it was quite wane). It’s not a good book by any standard (I was quite shocked when picking it up at a bookstore, I had found that when read in the original language it lost all its magic), but I owe a lot to it and some people who now endlessly discourse about how bad PG is need to recognise their debt of gratitude and be a bit more respectful, I think. That is of course unless you came into this era via different media, but you got to admit that a massive part of us got to this place through TWQ, though we outgrew it.

10. The Red Queen and The Kingmaker’s Daughter by Philippa Gregory

Exact same commentary as above, just objectively not good books. Flat characterisation, misunderstanding of the era, historical innacuracies which don’t add anything, lack of nuance in prose which often dances too close to *gasp* YA prose *shudders*. But these are lower because I don’t owe them a debt of gratitude as I do TWQ. Funnily enough, they are still better than the series.

[fangirlovestuff]

Romantics- Chris Evans x reader

a/n- Hey lovely people! i know i haven’t posted in... *checks calender* two weeks?!? yeah, life has been kinda hectic for me lately, but here’s this little headcanon while i get back in the groove. hope you’re all doing well, enjoy!<3

so we all know and love the notion that chris is a very romantic man

he likes pulling all the stops on special occasions

taking you out for fancy dinners as much as he can

buying you flowers whenever he can

once, for your birthday, he left the set of the movie he was on just to see you

you had told him you were bummed he couldn’t be there but it’s okay and you completely understood

but his stubborn ass convinced his director and hauled himself on a 7-hour flight just to get home at 10 pm on your birthday with a bunch of balloons and a huge smile on his face

needless to say you were giddy to see him

and your celebrations definitely made up for his absence for most of the day

another time for valentine’s day he attempted to bake a heart-shaped cake

it didn’t really go according to plan

it didn’t look like a cake nor a heart because chris got distracted (hey, you didn’t know there was a cake in the oven!)

well, it’s the thought that counts

you love being wooed by chris

he always knows how to make you feel special and loved

but you also love to return the favor at any chance you can

a hopeless romantic yourself, you loved to show chris your love for him any chance you could

you always!! came to greet him at the airport when he came back from a set

even if it was like 3 am, you made sure to be there to drive him home after his flight

the amount of cheesy airport reunions is unreal

you jumped into his arms and peppered his face with kisses

“I missed you”

his voice was still a little groggy from his awful sleep on the flight, but his smile was shining like the sun

“I missed you too. now let’s go home”

chris isn’t the greatest cook, so you usually do the cooking around the house

but on special occasions you like to really go all out

on his birthday, you asked his mom Lisa for the recipes of his favorite childhood foods, and cake obviously

Scott took him out of the house for a few hours while you prepared everything and when they came back chris came in to see you and the table packed full of delicious food (courtesy of Lisa’s recipes of course, you weren’t that much of a good cook)

“happy birthday!!!” 

he definitely got emotional when he saw everything you prepared for him

other times you’d both have the small, quotidian ways to show your love

if chris saw a few spiteful comments that day you assured him of how much you and countless others admired him and how awesome he was

before every single event, you told him he looked amazing and that he’s gonna crush it

“sweetheart, you’re biased”

“that doesn’t mean i’m wrong chris”

chris bought you chocolates a lot because he knew how fond you are of them, especially if you’re having a rough day

he gives the best massages

buying chris sports jerseys 

also small ones for dodger

you both make an effort to learn about each other’s interests and hobbies

chris tried to teach you football sometime

it basically ended in you tackling him onto the ground and straddling his waist

“that’s not how you play football?”

you tried and failed to play innocent

he raised his eyebrow and you shrugged

“guess football isn’t really my thing”

you help chris update his social media

one time you’re petting dodger on the couch and just cooing at him while he licks at your face

“who’s the best dog? yeah, that’s right, you are!”

you hear footsteps and feel chris’ presence behind you

“you know what? you’re a baby dodger, just like your dad” 

you turned around smirking to find chris, phone in hand, recording you playing with dodger

“I didn’t know you were recording,” you laughed

an hour later you’re sitting on the couch and you get a twitter notification from chris

it’s the video, captioned “I get no kisses in this house”

you laugh and go find chris in the kitchen

“I’m gonna regret teaching you how to do that, right?”

you kiss his cheek

“besides, you get tons of kisses. actually, some would argue you get even better than that,” you wink and pull away

he pulls you in by the waist before you get further away

“really? like what?” he smirks

...anyways, you and chris have a similar outlook on romance which makes you a great couple

you both acknowledge that your relationship can’t be rainbows and unicorns all the time

and you both put a lot of efforts into sorting your differences, which definitely occur every once in a while

but at the end of the day, you were both romantics

so for the most part, you were just focused on the important thing - being in love

did some of your friends make fun of you for basically acting like a couple of teenagers in love? yes

did you care? no

you made each other the happiest you’ve ever been, and that’s all that matters

that definitely got outta hand... the original concept was just romantic things you and chris do for each other but then it just escalated into a full on relationship headcanon oops

anyway,,, hope you enjoyed!!

Chris Taglist: @swatson06 @horny-nd-bored​ @shannon124 @perfectlyharolds​ @phoebe-21-99 @wintersoldierslut​ @iceebabies​ @wanessalopesueiros @sleepingpapermouse @steverogerswasalwaysworthy @holtzkinnon @angelicl-y @stydia-4-ever @thatoneperson5000 @fangirlfree​ @kaitcordx25 @bequeening​ @steve-barry-damon-logan​ @itscrazycherryblossomcollection​ @hollandxmarvel​ @darkwitchfromthesouth

if you wanna join / be removed from the taglist, comment/message me! this is a taglist for Chris and his characters. much love <3

[robron-til-the-end-of-time]

I understand if you do not want to answer - but I would be very curious as to what you think the Sussex's have been lying about.

(Before anyone reads further, this isn’t going to be Meghan and Harry pleasant or positive.)

The problem is they’re either thick, have bad memories and can’t remember what they say from one month to the next, or lying. So, stuff that’s been caught on video clips in the last few years, rather than statements that can be misinterpreted, or more likely written for some PR person for them.

We’re only having one baby.

Meghan’s being confirmed into the church of England when she married Harry. Yeah, didn’t happen.

H and M “don’t read their own press” which is blatantly a lie with how often they sue the Daily Mail and others. Don’t get me wrong, I’d probably sue the DM too, because they’re trash, but it’s amazing how well they can keep up with their negative British press, in a different time zone, when they don’t read it. Supposedly.

Meghan was becoming a British citizen/spouse. She either hasn’t, or is currently breaking immigration law, because British spouses aren’t allowed to live outside of Britain for 90 days continuously in any calendar year. So she either didn’t change nationality as she said she would, or she’s breaking immigration law, and I know which one I’d favour.

We’re having our baby privately. Then giving an interview when Archie was under 3 hours old. Yeah, that’s what I’d do when wanting to avoid telling the worlds media I’ve had a baby...

We want to be financially independent, then complaining that the money tap’s been cut off. Also Diana left Harry a millionaire, so it’s very very untimely to be complaining about money RIGHT NOW in the economic outlook. Harry actually got left more money than William did, to take care of him as William’s the heir and Harry isn’t and was (barring disaster) never going to be.

“I’ve been a Princess.” Absolutely no knowledge of how the Royal Family works, because no babe, you haven’t. Marrying seventh in line to the throne doesn’t make you a princess.

“We don’t want Archie to have the title of Prince, because we want him to have a normal childhood.” Now complaining that he never got the title, when at the time the Queen was under pressure to give Archie the title they said they didn’t want.

Harry: “Flying for holidays only should be discouraged due to climate change and most people shouldn’t fly for pleasure.” The week before he took Meghan for a holiday. Which okay, not lying, but majorly hypocritical.

Not lies, but things that really grate on me.

On a royal tour Meghan visited a mosque without properly covering her hair, and having her arms out which imo was just so blatantly disrespectful, and was the first time she really started getting on my nerves. You can’t do that, it’s so crass.

When they were Royals, they did go through staff at a quite frankly ALARMING pace.

I also find Meghan and Harry both announcing a pregnancy at Eugenie’s wedding, and then their second pregnancy mere hours after Eugenie released the pictures of her newborn baby completely classless too. You don’t do that, it’s really bad.

I genuinely thought Meghan wanted to be part of the Royal family when she married Harry. I even ran a Meghan blog at one time and was massively supportive. I loved that she had her dress embroidered with the commonwealth flowers, because that was going to be where her married work took her, overseeing the Commonwealth because the Queen and Philip don’t fly anymore. I love that she had Charles give her away and I felt massively sorry for her in the week running up to her wedding with how much shit the press threw her way.

Many many issues do I have, and no, I’m not getting into long arguments over this from the anons I’m bound to get.

Maybe they’re not liars, maybe they’re incredibly thick people with terrible memories. Also, disliking Harry and Meghan, and thinking they’ve handled everything ABHORRENTLY does not mean I don’t believe the racism accusation (I’m just amazed it wasn’t Philip, because I’d bet money he’s the one Royal to say stuff politically incorrect), and nor does it mean that I disbelieve Meghan was suicidal. Also M and H have been completely trashed by the British media too (what baffles me is how they think having an interview like this will make that bashing ANY better.)

[jalapeno-princess]

Clandestine Meetings and Stolen Stares

Physics Professor Mark Tuan X Reader

Word Count: 9.9K (Damn it felt longer haha)

Genre: Angst, smut

Warnings: Rated 18+, unprotected sex, breast play, (nothing too explicit), cheating

Summary: It was your junior year in college and you couldn’t wait for it to be over with. You wanted nothing more than to graduate and get out of the hell hole that is college. All you really cared about was your education, your job, your friends and your family. However, that all changes the minute your eyes land on your indescribably handsome physics professor and what you thought was just a unreciprocated crush on the older man, turned in to more; so much more. (Sorry guys I don’t want to go too deep in the summary and give away the entire story so I’ll keep it at that)

A/N: Hey guys! Look at me claiming I won’t have time to write stories and throwing another one out there like nothing. This is apart of the song requests imagines and I do have quite a few of them so I will try get them out as soon as possible (I don’t want them to be too short or rushed so please be patient me and thank you again for your requests!) This was requested by one of my favorite followers @yup-indecisive-girl-cece​ thank you for all your love and support with my page and my stories! I hope you enjoy! (I wrote this in a few hours so there might be a few errors but eh whatever hahaha) Based on the song “Ilicit Affairs”. Honestly the album is a bop and I listened to it while writing this I actually plan on writing a few stories in the future about some of the songs off the album once I finish the requests. Happy reading!

“Y/n—earth to y/n. Hey! Is everything okay?” 

If you could describe the current state of your mind, a mess wasn’t even half of what was going on up there. There were many different thoughts going on in your head; unfortunately they were all negative. You wouldn’t have even known you were tearing up if your best friend Yugyeom didn’t wave his hand in front of your face to break you out of your trance. 

“Huh? Oh—yeah. I’m fine. It’s just—I’m just tired I guess. Finals are coming up and I’ve been pulling all-nighters almost every night so I’m pretty exhausted. But don’t worry about me. I’m okay.” 

As much as you hated lying to the older boy, especially because he told you about every single thing that went on in his life, there was no way you could tell him the real reason why you were so distracted; why you were on the verge of breaking down in tears. He would never understand nor did you think he would want to continue your friendship if he were to know exactly what was clouding your thoughts. 

Thankfully he didn’t continue to press for more questions and turned his focus back to the chocolate shake you purchased for him half an hour ago. If you were going to tell anyone what was causing you so much distress, you’d be in so much trouble and so would he. Feeling your phone vibrate against your lap made your breathe hitch because you knew exactly who it was. 

The only two people who have been reaching out to you these days other than your parents to see how college overseas was going, was the outspoken yet gentle and child-like boy sitting in front of you and your physics professor Mark Tuan. He was the reason why you’ve been so uptight; so tense these last few days and unlike most of your classmates, you weren’t even nervous about any of your finals because most of your worries were caused by him. 

When you signed up for Physics 345 with Professor Mark Tuan, you didn’t think anything of it. Since it was your junior year in college, all you were focused on was passing junior year with flying colors and concentrating on your last two semesters in college, working on your senior thesis and graduating on time. What you weren’t expecting, was getting in to an affair with said professor that would go on for longer than expected. 

Everything going on in your life up until the point of meeting Mark for the first time was going pretty well. You and your friends were enjoying what was left of being college students; going clubbing on the weekends, having some drinks at the bar when school was getting rough, attending parties thrown by some of the most popular students in school and just hanging out at each other’s places when you all had free time. 

You had a part time job at the library which you were extremely grateful for; you hardly had to do anything, it was always pretty quiet and you got to work on your assignments most of the time so it was a win-win situation. Although you missed your family every now and then, you had quite a bit on your plate to really feel homesick. Little did you know, that word would have a different meaning to it a few months later. Walking in to the auditorium, you weren’t surprised to see that you didn’t know anybody in your class. 

Your campus was huge and from what you knew, none of your friends had any plans on failing a class so they all laughed in your face when you recommended it to them. If only you took Youngjae’s advice and signed up for Religion 315 like he did, you wouldn’t be in the mess you were in right now. But then again, you wouldn’t have met the man who changed your outlook on both life and love completely. You wouldn’t have met the man who now owned your stupid, stupid heart. 

Since you were notorious for making it to class earlier than most students in order to get a good seat, you decided to play a few games on your phone before scrolling through social media. After getting bored on twitter, you pulled out one of your notebooks and started to prepare your notes when you heard heels clicking against the tiled floor. 

You were never a believer in love at first sight. It was so cliche. How could someone be in love with someone just by looking at them and not knowing anything about them? There was no way and yet, when you took a look at your new science professor, you could physically feel your soul leaving your body. He was handsome, there was no doubt about it. In fact, that was an understatement. 

He was gorgeous. You didn’t think young science professors existed let alone one that looked like he came straight out of vogue magazine. All your science teachers from high school had white hair, glasses and wore suspenders. This guy was wearing a red flannel over a plain black v-neck, torn skinny jeans and vans. There was no way he was your professor; but as soon as he placed his briefcase down on the desk and looked around the classroom with a stupidly handsome grin on his face, you knew you were fucked. 

“Hello class, I’m Mark Tuan your physics professor. Please call me Mark. I’m fine with professor, but no Mr.Tuan. It makes me feel old. A little bit about me, this is my second year teaching physics. I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in physics, went on and got my master’s in teaching and graduated with my doctorate two years ago now here I am. I’m one of those weirdos who love science, I love learning more and more about science each and every day. I’m thirty-one years old, I’ve been married for three amazing years and I have a one-year-old daughter named Ella. We also have a dog named Milo. In my free time, I like to play video games and watch the office. Well, that’s it about me. There’s about forty-five of you in here, so it would probably take the entire class if you guys were to introduce yourselves individually so instead I’ll have you get in to groups and you guys can just  talk amongst your peers.”

It was as if everything he said went through one ear and out the other. All you could pay attention to was his pretty pink lips and how soft they looked. You could also feel your heart flutter at the way he smiled when talking about his passion for science. However, hearing that he had a wife and a daughter brought a weird feeling to your chest but what did it matter? He was your science professor and this was only the first day you met him. You told yourself it was just his good looks that you were attracted to, but deep down you knew there was something else that got you thinking about him a little more than you should. 

As your classmates went around in a circle talking about what major they were studying, why they signed up for physics and what they want to learn in the class, your eyes began to wander around the room in search of your professor and you hated that you didn’t know why. You’ve seen and even been with a decent amount of good looking guys. Your ex-boyfriend was actually considered to be one of the best looking guys in your university, so you had a hard time understanding why you couldn’t take your eyes off of Mark. As soon as you found him, you felt as if your heart was about to jump from out of your chest when you realized he was already looking at you. 

You were sure if you were to look in a mirror, your face would be red from embarrassment. Was he watching you this entire time? Did he know you were practically ogling at him this entire time when you were supposed to be paying attention to your classmates? To both your delight and dismay, he sent you a flirtatious wink before making his way to your group. You felt like you were about to be sick. Feeling him stand behind you while placing his hands on the chair sent chills down your spine. 

Why was he so close? And why did you want him closer? When he was talking to other groups, he stood a few inches away from them but right now he was in your personal space and you couldn’t help the thought of wanting him even closer. 

“How are we doing here?” Your classmates hummed in content before they started going around and telling him their answers. “Okay, what about you? What’s your name, major, why you took this class and what you want to learn in this class.” 

He pulled his hands away from your chair and walked towards the other side of the room to give you eye contact and offer you his full attention. You didn’t know what was worse; him standing directly behind you giving off his intimidating aura, or him looking at you while you were for sure about to make a fool out of yourself. To prevent yourself from looking like an idiot even more than you probably already did, you brought your attention to your notebook and pretended as if you were reading off from your notes. 

“My name is y/n, I’m an English and communications double major with a minor in Spanish language. I—uh—I’m—shit I’m sorry what were the rest of the questions again?” 

He looked at you in curiosity before letting out a soft giggle. This man was thirty-one years old, how was he capable of such an adorable, high pitched laugh? And how could you butcher that entire thing? You only needed to answer three questions with two of them relating to one another. You were sure you made your attraction even more obvious if he couldn’t already tell by the way you were practically drooling over him. 

“What made you sign up for this class and what do you want to learn?” 

You softly bit your lip out of frustration and took in a deep breath before responding. Once class was over, you were going straight to the bar and getting drunk. This was only day one, you had five months with Mark as your professor and you fucked it up in less than half an hour. He was probably going to go home and laugh at your little breakdown. 

Although you had a feeling you weren’t the first to get flustered over him. If he’s been teaching for over two years, he had to have a few students that developed a crush on him. Surely you weren’t the only one. But that’s what it was and all it ever was going to be, a silly little crush. It was normal; Mark was handsome, he seemed very intelligent, very passionate about his field and was very energetic. He also seemed very child like and with the way he laughed at something you didn’t think was funny, you knew he was still a child at heart. 

“I enjoy science, I think it’s one of those intimidating subjects that people are afraid to take because they’re afraid of failing. I will admit I’m not the best in science and I’m sure I’ll probably be shit at physics, but I love learning and I’ll do my best in this class. Or at least try to. I want to learn more about motion, movement and the relative entities of energy and force.” 

The soft smile he gave you went straight to your chest; there was no way you’d be able to survive the rest of the semester if he were to continue looking at you like that. His wife was one lucky woman. What world war did she fight in her past life to land him as a husband? 

“I like that answer y/n. I look forward to working with you this semester. I’m sure you’ll learn a lot about force and energy in this class and if you don’t end up doing too well, I listed my office hours on the syllabus. Feel free to stop by if and when you need help—and I mean this to all of you. Don’t be shy to ask me for help, I would rather spend a few grueling hours teaching you about Newton’s law than to have you fail my class entirely. Okay, for the remainder of class, I’ll be going over the syllabus and luckily the school provides the required textbook so you can all save an extra $200. I expect you all to use that wisely.” 

There was a feeling in your gut telling you he meant more than what he was saying about his office hours, but then again you felt stupid for even thinking that. He was married for three years and he had a daughter. He was also ten years your senior and you didn’t think you were all that special for someone like Mark to look at you in that way. 

He was your science professor and that’s all he was ever going to be to you. You knew exactly what you were going to do with that extra $200 once you were finished with school. Once class was over, you hastily packed away your things before making a beeline towards the door. Right as you were about to walk out, you heard Mark softly whisper your name. 

“Have a nice rest of your day y/n, see you Thursday!” 

Yeah, you were definitely getting plastered tonight. You didn’t even get to take five steps out of the classroom when you felt an arm roughly thrown around your shoulder. 

“There‘s my favorite science nerd. How was the first day of hell huh? Only two semesters left.” You let out a hysterical chuckle; as much as you hated school and couldn’t wait to graduate, you weren’t quite ready to enter the real world just yet. However, feeling the effect that Mark had on you knowing that it was only the first day toyed with your mind a little bit. You kept telling yourself over and over that he was just being nice, but you didn’t hear him saying anything else to any of the other students. 

Was he just picking on you specifically because of your little breakdown in his class? Your chances of passing physics with a grade higher than a C were already  pretty slim, what more now that you had a Greek God as your professor? You were doomed. The first couple of weeks went by better than you had expected. Sure, there was some material that you had a hard time learning but you refused to schedule office hours with Mark. Being in a class with him surrounded by thirty other students was already extremely overwhelming, you didn’t even want to know what were to happen if you were alone with him. You’d probably have to drop off the face of the earth from embarrassing yourself tremendously. 

A month later, you found yourself between a rock and a hard place. Physics only became more and more tough as the days went by and you cursed Mark for giving you so many difficult assignments. It’s as if he was taunting you. You did what you could first before you even thought about signing up to meet with him. Going to see Mark during his office hours was your last resort. First you reached out to a couple of your classmates; asking for them to explain the material to you but nothing worked. 

They were all very kind in trying to help you, but you still couldn’t memorize nor understand the seven branches of physics. Then you went along with BamBam’s suggestion to go get tutored but just like your classmates, the tutor couldn’t even help you which is why you found yourself emailing Mark to schedule an appointment with him. His response made your eyes roll, but it also sent warmth to your heart and you hated yourself for not being able to learn it on your own from the few sources you had around you. On one of your days off, you made your way up to Mark’s office and gently knocked on the door; patiently waiting until he welcomed you in. 

“Come inside.” 

You hesitantly walked in and sat down on one of the chairs he had facing adjacent toward his desk. You began to look around the room and smiled to yourself at how much his office matched him as a person. It was simple, yet the few trinkets and bobble heads he had on the shelf made the room a little more lively. 

“Took you a while to meet with me. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your grades for a while now, so I’m glad you actually came in for help. Your test scores aren’t looking too good y/n.” 

You released a long sigh; disappointed with the news but not surprised. Why did you think you were capable of such a complicated subject? Even some of the smartest students on your campus had a hard time with physics and you wouldn’t consider yourself dumb, but then again you weren’t the brightest bulb in the bunch. 

“I know. I’m sorry, I should’ve came earlier. I just—I didn’t want to bother you. I tried asking for help from tutors and other students in the class but nothing worked, so here I am.” 

He gazed at you with an unidentifiable look on his face and it made you nervous. You didn’t know exactly what it could have meant and the curiosity was eating away at you. 

“You know y/n, I commend you on taking this class. I know you took it as an elective and I’m sorry it’s probably not what you expected it to be. I’ve been told I can go a little hard on students sometimes, but I’ve been trying to make the work a little more easier than it was last semester. I couldn’t help but take notice though, you do amazing when it comes to the homework. You ace the lessons like nothing, it’s just the quizzes and the exams you’re not doing too great with and it’s probably because you take it in class, with me in the room.” 

Your eyes widened at his last few words but he gave you no time to ask what was on your tongue as he got up from his chair and sat directly in front of you on his table. 

“Am I a distraction y/n? Don’t think I haven’t observed the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking. It’s actually cute by the way—sexier when you bite your lip though. I guess this is the time to admit that I do the exact same thing, although I’m more discreet about it than you are. I love knowing the effect I have on you; if only you knew the effect you have on me princess.” 

Were you dreaming? You had to be, there was no way this was actually going on right now. There was no way Mark confronted you about drooling over him in class only to tell you that he’s been doing the exact same thing. What was going on? Was he messing with you? He had to be. Mark Tuan couldn’t have feelings for you—he had a family. And you—you were just a junior in college. His student to be exact; he had to be pulling your leg. 

Yet the way he was looking at you, so seductively with a charismatic glint in his eye sent warmth to your core. The way he was looking at you as if he was a lion and you were his prey, ready to pounce on you did wonders to your body. You couldn’t describe the way Mark made you feel. The way he made you want to do better, the way you wanted to impress him and be someone he admired. The way you wanted to be the reason behind his contagious laughter and breathtaking smile. 

There weren’t enough words to describe what Mark made you feel and when you felt his fingers grip your chin and tilt it upwards so that the two of you made eye contact, you were putty in his hands. As wrong is this all was, you couldn’t find it in yourself to stop. 

“What are you doing to me y/n? I have a family whom I love dearly, but I can’t stop thinking about you. You’ve been on my mind every single day since the first day of school. I don’t know what is about you—well it’s obvious that you’re beautiful. Extremely beautiful y/n. But I’ve seen hundreds of beautiful women in my thirty-one years of living and I’ve never batted an eye at any of them. You were so flustered, so adorably clumsy on the first day but it was the eagerness, the enthusiasm you had in wanting to learn even if you may not be the best in science. You remind me a lot like myself when I was your age. You’re one of the most hard working and extremely intelligent students that I know. I—fuck. I’m aware that a few of my students have crushes on me in the last two years and I found it cute but that was it. They didn’t make me question the love I have for my wife and the status of my marriage the way you do. I really shouldn’t be saying things like this before knowing how you feel but I can’t help it. I like you y/n. I really like you and I know it’s wrong for so many reasons and please don’t feel like you have to reciprocate these feelings, please just don’t say anything.” 

Your mouth was dry and didn’t know how to respond to his entire confession. It was still taking you a while to process the entire thing. Not once in your life would you have ever pictured yourself in a situation like this. No, things like this only happened in movies. To both of your surprises, you found yourself smashing your mouth against his, silencing any doubts that he had about your feelings for him. His lips were soft and gentle against yours, but the grip he now had on your hips was rough and intoxicating. It was hard to believe that for the last month, you’ve been dreaming about how his pretty lips would feel against yours not knowing that here you would be a year later, lying flat on your back on top of his desk while he left multiple kisses along your neck and chest. 

“I—like you too—a lot—and if this is wrong—well fuck Mark I don’t want to be right.” 

It was true; you knew having an affair with your professor was taboo and you knew what you were doing was terribly wrong, but you were just going to have to deal with the consequences later. Now, you were going to show the beautiful man in front of you just how crazy he’s been driving you over the last month. He smiled against the inside of your thigh and made his way up to your soaking entrance, blowing some hot air against your core before flicking at your clit with his tongue. 

“Well, I’ll be your dirty little secret and you’ll be mine. Oh and by the way y/n, consider this a one on one lesson about energy, force, movement and motion. I’m going to drain you of all your energy, force my cock in to this pretty little pussy of yours, have you bounce on my dick like the professional cowgirl I’m sure you are and then I’ll bury myself balls deep inside of you while hitting it from the back. How does that sound?” 

The wanton moan that fell from your lips at the sound of his naughty words made the coil that was already building in your stomach tighten. The two of you spent the rest of the day exploring and learning each other’s bodies. You didn’t think that it was possible to explore the many different positions that the two of you dabbled in while being in such an enclosed space but you weren’t complaining. You knew that you wouldn’t be able to come in here again without reminiscing on the way Mark had your breasts pressed up against the window while he roughly drilled himself in to you doggy style.

Once the two of you both came down from your highs, he took a couple of tissues from his desk and wiped you down. He placed a soft kiss on your forehead before he went searching for your clothes that he greedily ripped off of you and flew across the room in a haste to finally get inside of you. His breathless moans and grunts, murmured curses, kinky and naughty words and the multiple compliments that fell from his lips while you were loving up on each other were now etched in to the back of your mind. As you watched him pull up his jeans, you felt a pang of hurt hit your chest. 

What have you done? You just slept with your professor; a married man, it didn’t matter if he had feelings for you and that you reciprocated them, you shouldn’t have let your selfish desires and carnal urges take over. For all you knew, his poor wife who had no clue what just happened with you and her husband was sitting at home waiting for him to finish work, probably playing with their daughter and the image made you feel pathetic. You just allowed yourself to fool around with a little girl’s father. You could be the reason she grows up in a broken home because her mother found out about her father’s brief lapse of judgement. 

However, you didn’t feel as much as remorse as you did your feelings for Mark and if he was okay with having an affair with you, than who were you to disagree? Over the next six months, you and Mark snuck around to fool around with one another. If he wasn’t blowing your back out in his office, he was taking you up against the fridge in your apartment or having you ride him in the backseat of your car. After your first time together, he set some ground rules. You weren’t able to text him unless he texted you first in fear of his wife seeing your messages; which turned in to emails instead because it was easier to tell you of how much he missed having his face in between your pretty titties and how much he loves the feeling of you clenching around him. 

You also weren’t allow to mark him in any way which was a given, but that didn’t stop him from leaving a couple of love bites and hickeys around your body making it known that your bed was spoken for. He also didn’t want your affair to get in the way of your job or your studies, therefore he refused to meet up with you no matter how much he wanted to until you finished your work. You didn’t know how the two of you have been keeping this a secret for so long. You were no longer a student of his, but that didn’t stop you from attending his office hours. 

Unfortunately, you made the mistake of falling in love with him less than three months in to your secret little rendezvous but it was hard not to. Sure, most of your relationship was spent making love with one another, but there were times that you got to see the real Mark. There were days where you actually went to see him for some help on your assignments and he would always be so patient and understanding with you. He would also reward you with kisses every time you got an answer right and it made you want to try even harder. Sometimes when he would come over to your place, the two of you wouldn’t even have sex. 

You’d either cuddle and watch a movie together or bake something you saw on the food network. He was also pretty invested in the Xbox that you had and sometimes you’d find yourselves battling each other in halo or call of duty. It was in those moments, the moments where he asked you how your day was, where he held you in his arms for hours and comforted you when you found out your grandfather passed away, where he would buy you your favorite coffee drink and purchased things for you that reminded him of you. It was a mistake. How could you fall in love with someone who was on paper; unavailable?

Mark made you feel things that no one has ever felt before. He showed you things so beautiful that you could only see with him and he made you feel as if you were the most beautiful thing on this earth. When you were with him, you felt like everything was perfect. He made you extremely happy and you knew he felt the same way about you. But when you’d leave his office, or once he’d leave your apartment, you felt empty. 

There was a hole in your chest that he would leave every single time he’d have to go and return home; back to his family. To his wife, who wasn’t you. It would always cloud your mind; how could he continue to go home to her as if nothing was wrong. As if having an affair with one of your students and going back home to your wife was one of the most natural things to do? You didn’t mean to be so selfish and only think about your pain and your suffering, but you’d put yourself in her shoes every now and then. If it were you and you found out your husband were cheating on you, you’d be devastated. 

Over the weekend, you and Yugyeom were at the grocery store preparing for a movie night with a couple of friends to take your mind off of finals. The two of you were arguing on what type of chips to get when your eyes landed on a cute little baby sitting in the cart. She looked so familiar and you couldn’t exactly pinpoint where you have seen her before. It wasn’t until her mother turned the cart around that you knew she was Mark’s wife and that was her daughter. He had a picture of the three of them on his desk in the beginning of the semester and you couldn’t get over how pretty she was. 

She had long, silky hair, a petite frame and a gorgeous smile. The way she was looking at Mark in that photo was the same way you looked at him every day; with so much love and admiration. However, as your relationship continued, you were quick to notice that he took the photo from off of his desk and sometimes he even goes without his ring. It always made you curious as to why he did that, but you never had the courage to ask him. Seeing the two of them in person awoke something inside of you. 

Even if it was just a couple of seconds of seeing them, it felt as if a bucket of cold water was thrown on you and reality just slapped you in the face. For some reason, seeing them made you feel like you were about to throw up. You didn’t understand why you felt so bothered; you had no problem sneaking around with her husband for the last six months. But knowing she existed and actually seeing her were two different things. It made it all the more real that Mark was being unfaithful and that you were a home wrecker, slowly tearing their family apart. 

Only then did it occur to you that Mark wasn’t with them and you knew he was still probably sleeping because you tired him out in the back of your car the night before. You couldn’t allow this affair to continue; it was extremely stupid of you for letting it get this far and you were sure if you didn’t see the two of them that you would only get deeper and deeper in to a mess that you didn’t know how to get out of. That night, you found yourself at your previous fuck buddy Jinyoung’s house. You knew it was a big mistake, but you needed to know that there were other men out there who could please you. 

Other men that would find you attractive and love your body the way that Mark claimed to. Other men that would be able to take your mind off of the only man you’ve ever loved. You needed to know that you could move on from Mark; that he wasn’t the only man out there but as Jinyoung thrusted himself in to you and left wet, sloppy kisses in the crook of your neck, you knew that nobody could take Mark’s place. Nobody would ever be able to set fire to your bones and send your entire body in flames. Nobody could ever be nor replace Mark, and that’s what you were most afraid of. 

You weren’t surprised to see that Mark’s been trying to reach out to you for days. Ever since the day at the grocery store, you’ve been avoiding him. He’s sent you multiple emails over the weekend and thought that you were too busy with finals to get back to him so he understood. But when you didn’t meet up with him at his office that Monday and Tuesday, he knew something was up. You knew he was growing impatient and he must’ve known something was wrong. Mark never called you unless it was an emergency and even then, he would stick with emails and text messages. When you saw the two missed calls, you decided to finally give in and asked him if everything was okay. 

Come to my office in fifteen. We need to talk. 

You took in a deep breath and ignored the look of confusion on Yugyeom’s face before standing up and gathering your things. “One of my classmates are asking to meet up right now to study for the exam on Friday. If you’re not busy later, maybe we could go watch a movie or something. I’m sorry for leaving so sudden, but actually do some studying while I’m gone please? You have all the time after finals to focus on chocolate shakes Yugyeom. However, you won’t be able to afford to buy them anymore if you don’t graduate from college and get a decent paying job. I’ll see you later.” 

You slowly made your way out of the coffee shop to prevent yourself from looking suspicious, but once you left you quickly began making your way back to campus. Thankfully the coffee shop was only a couple of minutes away and it gave you enough to calm down your racing heart. You thought about what you were going to do the entire weekend. As painful and gut wrenching the idea of no longer having Mark in your life was, you just couldn’t keep doing this anymore. Sure, it was mainly because you hated being the cause of a broken home, but it was also because you could no longer be the other woman knowing you harbored feelings for him. 

She was his wife and you would forever be the whore that he only reached out to for sex. The closer you were to his building, the more you could feel the nerves building up all throughout your body. Surely he had to know you were staying away from him and not just focusing on your education in the moment. Even on the days where you were busy, you’d still contact him but you haven’t talked to him once the entire weekend. As soon as you made your way outside of his office, you took in a deep breath and gave yourself a couple of seconds to prepare your entire confrontative speech. 

To your dismay, as soon as you knocked on the door, it’s as if he was waiting right there; waiting for you to arrive because you couldn’t even finish knocking before he opened it. 

“Hi—“ the glare he gave you sent chills down your spine. He’s never looked so upset with you before. Was he really bothered with your silence? Why would he be though? You were just his play thing; you didn’t think not hearing from you would bother him in any way. He allowed you to walk in and closed the door; locking it just to be safe. There were a couple times where the two of you almost got caught because he forgot to do so. Luckily people always knocked before trying to open the door. 

You felt him before you saw him; he wrapped his arms around your lower waist and placed his chin on your shoulder. Many red flags were going off at the feeling of his embrace but you couldn’t pull away; this man took away your sanity. You put him before yourself so many times. You were afraid of the backlash that would come if you were to make it known that something was on your mind. 

This is your last time together y/n, make it worth the while. 

Feeling him leave soft kisses against your neck made you shiver. You began to think back to a few days ago when Jinyoung had you writhing underneath him. With Jinyoung, it felt so rushed and at the end, you felt so disgusted; so used. He didn’t even bring you to your orgasm. With Mark, your release was his number one priority. He wasn’t going to stop fucking you until you came and that’s what you were going to miss. Someone who genuinely seemed to care about you and your well being. Someone who made it his responsibility to make sure you were taken cared of. You were going to miss Mark, but you miss the person you were before stumbling in to bed with him. You were a young woman with morals; one who would frown upon cheaters, mistresses, adulterers. 

Time and time again, you told yourself you could never do that to someone but Mark Tuan broke down your walls entirely and got you to go against everything you ever believed in. Not anymore. Only for today, you were going to allow yourself to give in to him; to allow him to ravish in your body one more time. But once you were done, you were going to leave both his office and his life completely. 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” 

His voice sounded melancholic; as if he was sad that you’ve been doing so and it made you feel even worse. Why did you feel like you were the one ruining everything? When two people have an affair, the two are at fault. It takes two people to cheat, so why do you feel as if this is all your fault? Especially because he was the one to initiate it all? Why did you allow him to take so much from you? So much of your time, love, patience, spirit? Only for him to reciprocate it in sex? Why did you allow this man, this stupidly beautiful man, to own your heart knowing there was no way you could ever own his? 

“I’ve been busy with finals—“

“Bullshit y/n. Now tell me the truth. Why have you been avoiding me huh? Ignoring all my attempts in contacting you—did I say or do something to hurt you?” 

Yes, you broke my fucking heart. You fucked my body and fucked over my mind. You touched me, filled me up entirely and left me empty every single fucking time only to go home to a woman who isn’t me. Who will never be me and I refuse to let you have the power to hurt me anymore. 

“No. You didn’t do anything I’m just—I’m the problem. Don’t worry about me okay?” 

He released a frustrated sigh before turning you around in order to get a better look at you. He cupped both of your cheeks in his hands and gazed down softly at you. His gaze pulled on your heartstrings and now you were worried that there was no way you’d be able to leave now. Mark had that effect on you. He could make the entire world go away and your attention would be solely directed on him. 

“How can I not worry about you? You’re all I ever worry about—all I ever think about. I’ve missed you so much y/n. You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong okay? Just let me take care of you.” 

He missed you? No, he didn’t miss you, he missed the sex. He missed your body. He missed the way you did whatever he asked of you. There was no way in hell that he missed you, he didn’t know what he was saying. It was his dick talking for him; you knew how easily turned on he’d get from past experiences. You knew his words were a lie, so why were you now torn on what you should do once this was over? 

He brought his lips down to yours in what started off in an extremely passionate yet gentle kiss. However, it didn’t take long for the kiss to get heated. He gripped at the back of your thighs and wrapped your legs around his hips and roughly shoved you up against the wall. His lips were rough and hot against yours, nipping, sucking and tugging on your bottom lip while playfully squeezing your ass in the process. Your hands absentmindedly made their way in to his hair; it was a habit you had every time you both would make out. 

The soft grunts against your mouth made it aware that he enjoyed your little ministration, and you continued as the kiss only got deeper. Kissing Mark was what you thought you were going to miss the most; he told you on a few occasions how much he loved the feeling of your lips against his and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t trace your lips once he was gone just to reminisce on your love making session. 

“Need to—fuck you—now—right now.” 

You pulled away from his mouth and began leaving wet kisses along his jaw as he carried the two of you over to his desk. He laid you down gently on the table and brushed away some of your hair before stealing one more kiss. 

“You’re so beautiful y/n. Breathtaking.” 

He placed another kiss on your lips; more delicate and feather like this time. You didn’t know which of his kisses you preferred but with the way this one made your heart flutter, his gentler kiss was your new favorite. Countless men that had crushes on you, all of your exes and some one night stands would always tell you of how beautiful they thought you were, but nothing compared to hearing Mark tell you how beautiful you were. 

Although you never thought too much of yourself, Mark never failed to make you feel like a goddess verbally and physically. He brought his hands inside of your shirt and squeezed both your breasts, causing a soft moan to fall from your lips. 

“You like that? I know how much you love when I suck on these big titties of yours. Let daddy get inside of you and then I’ll show them some love.” Your shirt was thrown across the room with your shorts pulled off right after. 

“Fuck—I will never get enough of this view.” 

Watching him bite his lip while looking at you caused you to cross your legs in order to get any sort of friction against your throbbing core. How could someone who talked about such boring topics such as the earth’s mantle and the crevice of the moon be capable of such a naughty mouth? Just like you, he was now in just his underwear and you found yourself admiring his body in all it’s glory. Who knew a physics professor would be hiding such an impressive six pack under all his flannels and band tees? 

“Wanna see just how much I’ve missed you?” 

He didn’t give you a chance to respond before he took off his underwear and you swore you could come just by the sight of his thick and extremely hardened cock. The tip was red and you had a feeling it had to be painful. 

“I’m hard as a fucking rock y/n. I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time baby, but I’m gonna need your help in fixing this problem. You made daddy think you were ignoring him; now daddy’s gonna teach you a lesson.” 

He lined himself at your entrance and ran his cock along your soaking folds to lubricate himself before entering you. His hands made their way up to your chest and he shoved his palms inside of your bra, cupping and squeezing your mounds the same time he pushed himself inside of you. The two of you moan in unison; no matter how many times you’d make love, the stretch always drove the two of you insane. 

“Fuck—so tight—so wet—so, so good. Please—shit shit—tell me when I can move baby please—“ 

Another reason why you loved having sex with Mark was because he always put you first, every single time. He never failed to ask you how you were doing, if he could move, if he was hurting you, if the two of you could experiment in different positions. Although the two of you were commuting such a sinful act, he was always quite the gentlemen and it never failed to bring a smile on your face but they never lasted long. 

The second you nodded in agreement, he began roughly shoving his cock in and out of your cunt. His dick stretched out your tight walls deliciously. Each and every time he bottomed out, you let out a pleasurable sigh; his balls hit the back of your ass with every single thrust and you could feel his cock kiss your cervix whenever he’d return back in to your warm walls. He followed up his promise and continued fondling with your breasts and completely yanking your bra off so that it wasn’t in the way of him massaging your mounds. He flicked at your nipple and pinched the other before bringing your breast inside of his mouth completely. 

“M—Mark—mmm, fuck—your mouth—feels so good and your cock—f—fuck.” He giggled softly as he brought one of your nipples in between his teeth and nibbled softly. 

“What about my cock y/n? Tell me—my dirty little slut. Tell me how it feels? You love the feeling of my balls on your ass yeah? Love the way daddy’s long, thick cock feels going in and out of your slick walls, don’t you y/n? Because I do. Fuck—did you just get tighter—don’t do that y/n, you know what that does to me.” 

If only he knew the real meaning behind his words. If it were anyone else calling you their dirty little slut, you wouldn’t have thought twice about it but since it was Mark and technically yes, you were a dirty little slut, it made your stomach hurt. It wasn’t like you’d clench around him on purpose. It was just so much for you to take. The sound of skin on skin clapping and both your quiet moans filled the entire room making the atmosphere extremely sensual and erotic. He pulled away from your breasts and intertwined both your hands together while placing it on both sides of your head. 

His thrusts only got harder and faster as the minutes went by and you were sure with the pace he was going that you’d both reach your ends here pretty soon. Though most people considered missionary as the most boring sex position, it had to be one of your favorites. You loved watching Mark’s facial expressions as he drilled himself in and out of you. You loved watching the way his eyes would roll to the back of his head as the tip of his cock would graze your clit. You loved seeing his cocky smile every time he’d force you to beg for him to make you come. 

But something in the way he was looking at you right now was different. He never looked at you like this before and you couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but he looked both fucked out yet soft with a hint of what you assumed was worry or curiosity. A small smile rose upon his face and he leaned down to steal a kiss from your lips. 

“You mean a lot to me y/n. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Fuck, baby please tell me you’re close, please. You always get me to cum so soon. Your pussy is just that good. Ah—shit—“ 

Feeling his warm, creamy liquid fill up your walls got you to release not too long afterwards and you sent him a soft, cheeky grin even though you knew the hell that was coming. He gave you a few minutes to come down from your high and put his clothes back on before cleaning you up and helping you put on your shirt. The pleasurable soreness between your thighs made your cheeks warm and you were sure your legs were probably jelly at the rate he pounded you in, but you wanted your last time together to be memorable. 

After Mark, you don’t think you’d want to be involved with anyone else for a while. Not when you experienced what you thought was the love of a lifetime. Once you were both finished making yourselves look more presentable, he ran his hands through your hair and pecked your nose. Since you knew of your next actions, you pulled his mouth down to yours and left a long, sloppy kiss on his lips. God, you were going to miss him. 

“Hey, y/n, are you okay? I didn’t hurt you too much did I?” 

You didn’t even realize a tear fell from your face until he wiped it up with his cheek. This felt like deja vu, Yugyeom did the same thing for you less than two hours ago but for the same reason. You knew he meant it as if he wanted to make sure he didn’t fuck you too hard, but you were in fact in pain. 

You did hurt me, but not in the ways that you think you did. 

“Should we take this back to your place now? I miss eating that pretty pussy of yours. Then we can order some take out tonight or something. I told my wife I wouldn’t be home until late because I knew there was a chance I’d be seeing you today, so we have a good amount of time together—“

The laugh of hysterics that came from the back of your mouth confused him. You couldn’t believe how he was acting so nonchalantly. He told his wife he was going to be late because he planned on sleeping around with another woman. How could he not feel wrong about that? 

“Mark—let’s stop this.” He looked at you as if you grew another head. 

“What are you taking about y/n? Stop what? I don’t understand where this is coming from. Baby—“

“Don’t call me baby! Are you forgetting that you have one? You’re married Mark! You have a wife and a daughter waiting for you at home while you’re out here kissing another woman. Spending time with another woman—fucking another woman! Giving yourself to another woman! Do you know how hard it’s been for me these last few months pretending like nothing was wrong? Fucking you and letting you fuck me knowing that you had a family waiting for your return? Do you know how many times I’ve cried over this situation? How many times I felt disgusted with myself because of this? You’re right Mark, I am a dirty little slut. I’m a whore—a mistress—A FUCKING HOMEWRECKER and I can’t let this go on anymore. I’m sorry.” 

He let out a scoff, but you could see in his eyes that he was now feeling remorse. Whether it was towards you or to his family, you will never know but it didn’t matter anymore. Your mind was made up and there was no way you and Mark could bounce back from this. Especially because your heart was at stake and you were now wearing it on your sleeve. 

“We’ve been fooling around for months y/n and it never seemed to bother you that I have a family. If it did, you would’ve never let it happen but you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. Still want you. Fuck—I meant what I said when I told you that there’s something different about you. You excite me y/n. You’re the only source of my happiness right now. You make me feel safe, you make me feel things not even my wife makes me feel. Please don’t give up on us—tell me what I can do to make it better. I’ll do anything.” 

Leave your wife. You hated that those three words were at the back of your tongue, but it was the selfish bitch inside of you, the one who loved Mark Tuan with every fiber of her being that didn’t care about anyone but herself that wanted him to give up his family life in order to be with her. But the realist in you knew that could never happen. There was no way he’d leave his two-year-old daughter and his wife of four years for a senior in college. He wouldn’t give up everything he’s worked so hard for to be with you. No one in their right mind would do that; especially not for sex. 

“Let me go Mark. It’s what’s best for both of us.”

“Speak for yourself y/n! I can’t lose you. Why only now? Why are you acting like this now? Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”

Your throat was sore from all the yelling and your chest felt dry. Your fists were tightening out of frustration and you were sure there were tears falling from your cheeks but you were too numb to feel anything. A part of you was ready to say fuck it and take him in your arms, but you couldn’t do that. You loved yourself too much to give in to him even if it’s all you wanted to do.

“Your daughter is beautiful. She’s a splitting image of you. Has your pretty brown eyes, light, curly brown hair and such a cute little smile. And your wife is gorgeous. I saw them at the grocery store the other day and seeing them, actually seeing them in the flesh rather than just pictures felt like a punch in the face. You have such a cute little family Mark. Why would you let it all go to waste for a college student you fuck on the regular?”

“Damnit y/n! When will you get it through your head? I don’t say it but I know you know you are more than just a fuck. This is way more than just sex between us and you know it! Fuck! I love you! I’m in love with you and I have been for a while now! That’s why I can’t lose you! You’re all that I want and could ever need in my life. There were so many times I came up with excuses to be home late so I could spend more time with you. You make me feel young, like a little child. All my worries and negative thoughts go away whenever I’m with you. You’re my favorite place y/n. My safe haven. You mean the entire world to me. I’ll do anything to get you to stay. Please—I’ll go insane without you.”

“I love you too Mark. More than I plan on admitting and that’s why I have to let you go.” 

His grip on your waist was tight and he pulled you against his chest in attempts to hide the tears that were falling down his cheeks from you but to no avail. You’ve only seen Mark cry twice in the last few months that you’ve known him for. Once while the two of you watched Christopher Robin and the other when your grandfather passed away. It was weird seeing him cry then, you didn’t think your tears hand any effect on him but it made you smile knowing they did. This time was much more different. It made you know that his words were sincere; that he really did love you and that he would go crazy without you. You’d probably go crazy without him too but it was what you had to do. 

“I’ll leave her. If that’s what it’ll take to make you stay, I’ll leave my wife so we could be together—“ 

You shook your head and gave him a sad smile. As amazing the thought of being with Mark sounded and knowing he was willing to leave his family to be with you made your heart flutter, you couldn’t let him do that. You wouldn’t be able to live knowing what you did. 

“Mark, please don’t. I can’t, okay? I love you, I really do and I probably always will. I’m sure I’ll regret doing this later on in life and I’ll miss you like hell—but it’s the right thing to do. What we had was amazing, but you and I both know we could never be together in the way that we want to.” 

You placed one more kiss on the corner of his mouth and you could feel him hesitating to reach out to grab you, but you knew Mark was aware that you were right. He could fight for you all he wanted, but he couldn’t fight your heart’s decisions. 

“Goodbye Mark. Take care of yourself.”

[henlp]

Most anime is bad.

It's fair to say anime's success in the West, starting in the 80s-90s but gaining mass recognition and appeal in the 2000s, mostly comes from a wide range of premises for stories told, and how emotional payoffs are (for the most part) earned by the writing, be it hype moments, shocking scenes, or the often-expected bittersweet finale.

However, in spite of these positives, it's very frequent that the story for an anime/manga/novel/game/etc. ends up being bad; and for the longest time, I couldn't figure out exactly why. Even a decade ago, when I was far more lenient and forgiving to the content I consumed (because I had yet to achieve the jaded, joyless state I find myself in <current year>), I could tell something was amiss.

Think I first took notice of this when the era of the Big Three was coming to an end, with One Piece carrying on as Fairy Tail instead took the shovel to the head. Alongside Bleach and Naruto, these three manga series all suffered major issues in their final arcs, so blatant that it became too difficult to accept. Something stank in Denmark Japan, and it made no sense why these (supposedly) good series where floundering as they neared the finish line.

A few years later, with more media under my belt, out came Black Clover. Both my weeb cousin and a good friend had spoken highly of the series, alongside many of the places I used to check for animus, so I watched the OVA... and hated it. There wasn't anything inherently wrong with the pilot for the story, mind you, at that point it was only the screeching from the protagonist that bothered me. When the series proper began, I made the conscious effort to try and power through in spite of the awful first impression, to see what the hype had been about... and I still wasn't seeing it. In fact, the story's erratic and hyperactive pacing, alongside its cheap animation, made it almost impossible for me to watch. Only by virtue of the previously aforementioned hype moments on occasion and the catchy OPs did I stick around long enough for the story to get interesting and for me to have any investment in the characters. It didn't get good, but it had at least become tolerable. Lucky for me AND it, I was still at a point where I wouldn't drop shows as easily.

It wasn't looking good for my outlook in regards to japanese entertainment. Even if I would end up consuming more anime than any western shows (at least animes don't fucking despise their audiences), my eye kept getting more critical, and I kept getting less adventurous, due to several shows disappointing. But I still couldn't figure out why this was. If anime and manga were appealing to me still, why was I less inclined to give 'em a pass, why was I more and more dissatisfied. And then I got my answer in 2021, thanks to two shows: Jujutsu Kaisen and the second anime adaptation of Shaman King.

A story's quality can generally be quantified based on three things: characters, world, and plot. Each informs the other two, and a good story never has one of these working against the others. But it can also happen that all three work in their own right, but not in tandem. A fourth, rarely-considered factor for evaluating story is EXECUTION. So when it comes to anime, manga, novels, games, etc, the problem usually is in execution. You could argue that there are different cultural sensibilities for storytelling in Japan, or corporate factors interjecting themselves in the process; but that would be an explanation, not an excuse. And nowadays, enough japanese creators quote some of their influences as not just being other japanese creators, but also creators from around the globe (past and present). There's not this magical bubble keeping the Land of the Rising Sun ignorant of other types of storytelling and development processes.

So how did I arrive at this conclusion thanks to Jujutsu Kaisen and Shaman King 2021? Both shows suffer terribly when it comes to execution of their stories, although in different ways:

-With Jujutsu Kaisen (at least the anime, I've not read the whole manga), there were several instances where I found myself asking "Did I miss an episode or something?", because you frequently had characters reacting and conducting themselves with one another as if there was a deluge of development between them off-screen. No better example than EmoBangs McGee, who becomes BFFs with the protagonist in less than 5min, later having a fight that was probably meant to be very heart-wrenching, except there was no development for their relation (and powers), so it made no sense for them to act in that fashion (if this is different in the manga, by all means let me know);

-With Shaman King 2021, meanwhile, I was well-familiarized with the characters, the world, and the plot. I knew the main elements of the story, I had in fact rewatched the show in the past decade, and in spite of filler content and Black Sabbath cameos, still remembered it strongly. But as I am watching the new show, the word that comes to mind is "cheap": cheap animation and rushed pacing. Maybe this is due to certain events, or the studio trying to rush past the initial stages of the story, but still. All it had to do was clear the filler, give each scene and character the love and care they needed to make their moments the best they could, and let it go from there. It's been twelve years since FMA Brotherhood, if you're going to be a greedy bitch and redo an anime adaptation, there's no excuse for it to be of such low quality.

As you can see, both failed in execution, with the latter in its new adaptation and the former (possibly) in its original format. When I realized this, suddenly the fog dissipated, and I could see why all those stories had failed: Bleach failed because its power creep and character conflicts were executed horribly; Naruto's atrocious pacing (in both manga and anime) was done solely to extend the story needlessly; Fairy Tail's final arcs (although not only that) dropped the ball because Hiro Mashima was actively trying to ensure there were no sad elements to the story or the end of his characters' arcs; Black Clover‘s poor execution came in how its first few arcs play out, trying to speed up through the world-building, which left most characters too anemic and underdeveloped until far later into the story.

But of course, this is an issue that exists in far more IPs than just the ones I’ve mentioned so far and others of the same caliber. It happens with the cream of the crop as well: Boku no Hero Academia's more recent decisions have been executed very poorly, when they were just a single step away from being done very well; post-timeskip One Piece has relied too heavily on characters having skills and forms that we aren't familiarized with, and fights that don't resolve in a smart fashion, but due to nakama power fueling Luffy; season fucking 2 of One-Punch Man is the poster child for terrible execution of anime adaptations, considering the original webcomic, the manga, and season 1. This issue is (almost) everywhere, and yeah, I get it: anime and manga are produced through such a hellish process, that a lot of times the authors or production staff don't have the time to go through their stories to make sure everything's on the up-and-up. Yusuke Murata is not exactly a common example, of someone that's allowed to go back to both redraw and rewrite entire chapters; and I am somewhat glad that, at least when it comes to JUMP, they seem to be getting slightly more lenient with the talent and their teams if it means better results in the long run.

However, the issue persists. I neither know nor think that anything can be resolved even if the extremely demanding workload of manga/anime production were to be alleviated (we've had plenty of examples in the West, of media that has all the time and money in the world, still imploding and salting the earth around it), but at the very least, it can be something that creators who are not under those retraints to take into account, so as not to make those same mistakes.

Do not try to subvert conversations that SHOULD be happening, just because in anime there's a stereotype of scenes where everything stops in its tracks just so characters can have a conversation, be it executed well or poorly (an aspect I'd wager stems from when the source material is manga or a novel). Don't think that because a character's power level let's them blow up the moon from orbit, that immersion can't be broken if you don't justify how they might struggle against another on the same tier. Be wary of the very common issue with 'Wanime' (Western animation using the anime style), where creators completely put aside depth for spectacle, to the point that it becomes indistinguishable from a parody show such as Megas XLR.

Always remember, execution is the be-all and end-all to every character development, emotional payoff, hype moment, world building, and plot progression. Think about every scene, and if it actually informs the audience of what should be happening. If it doesn't, then you'll have to try and fix it before, not after. And if you can't do it (which is fine, most of us are fucking dumbasses), now you understand why even a lot of shonen action series have a bunch of slice-of-life, semi-filler scenes interjected in-between big events, so that you can have context and weight to what will transpire.

[kim-lexie]

itaewon class.

overview. 

this drama was absolutely incredible an absolute gold mine. i was originally interested because park seo-joon is a part of the cast and let’s be real every drama he touches turns to gold. i loved how dynamic the characters and plots were present throughout. i loved that it attempted to touch various topics including racism and class structures. it had a little bit of everything. 

this drama follows sae-ro-yi, a steadfast and determined individual. it starts with him going to high school and protecting a fellow classmate. which ends him up in a debacle with the school bully, jang geun-won who is the son of the great jang ga group, jang dae-hee. this is the company whom sae-ro-yi father helped build from the bottom up. sae-ro-yi holds to his beliefs as he was protecting a fellow student he doesn’t bow in apology, and he ends up getting expelled and his father losing his job. through all this, his father continues to encourage his son and saying how proud he is of his son for standing for what is right. shortly after, his father is killed in a hit and run accident. when sae-ro-yi comes to find that it was all geun-won’s doing he violently beats him ending him up in jail. while in jail he desires to finish opening his restaurant that his father and himself started dreaming. it leaves him with a 10 year plan landing him in itaewon, where he comes to open danbam pub with a close knit group of soon to be lifelong friends. 

i would highly recommend this drama it was dynamic and i never knew what to expect coming from the various characters we had the pleasure of following. i thoroughly enjoyed the duration of this drama from seeing how he overcame his time in prison, and raising money to get to a place to open his pub it was great.

*spoilers ahead * you have been warned.

characters. 

sae-ro-yi. this man was incredibly steadfast in the pursuit of his dream. at first it was interesting, because it appeared to be a revenge plot to get back at jangga group. but by the end he realized that he had more to fight for. he went through years in prison, and a fishing boat, to make it to a place to raise enough money to open a pub in itaewon. he grew this pub with trusting those around him and learning the world of investments and stocks to then eventually be able to buy out jangga group after their countless scandals. it really came full circle for him. and it was because he was unwavering in his goal of making people the priority. 

jang geun-won is at the center of the incredible character development of sae-ro-yi. this kid. i am still conflicted on how to feel because at the center i feel that a lot of his evil qualities stem from his raising. his father made him kill a chicken and consider all the people around him livestock as the only way to get through life. then when he did screw up and ran away from a hit and run, he got it covered up by someone else. when one is taught with that perspective how can you not be a completely and utterly twisted human being. but then again he had many opportunities to switch his direction. when he was talking with soo-a all those times when she was like nah you’re not great, get it together. but then he went and kidnapped yi-seo because he knew it would get sae-ro-yi out so he could kill him. like that’s messed up. sooo yeah i take it back he was a horrible person. terribly twisted character. 

jang dae-hee. his man is messed up and i find it difficult to find that he was so thrown off by sae-ro-yi. it may be because he found a bit of his old self in him. because sae-ro-yi was steadfast in his beliefs where as the ceo wavered and changed with the times to further the company. i also need to add, that this man is an incredible actor especially as they had him age dramatically throughout this show. 

soo-a this woman was also messed up and worked for jangga group even though she knew that sae-ro-yi’s dad was killed by the son and covered up by the ceo. what a crap friend. i did not appreciate how in the last few episodes they wanted me to like her character because she did finally develop a conscience and payback sae-ro-yi’s dad two fold and turned in jangga group for all the crap they’ve done over the years. but sae-ro-yi pursued her for so long and then when he developed feelings for yi-seo is when she got woke and was like wait hold the phone. ya know what sister, you lost your chance, so good bye felicia. 

yi-seo. this girl. *insert slow clap* i came to truly love this character. she was crazy and still is crazy but she has her lovely qualities as well. sae-ro-yi needed the balance in his life, and he was living his life in a deep revenge scheme, she was there to advocate for the best for him. she had no regards for herself in some instances, when she recorded geun-won confessing to killing sae-ro-yi’s dad, and how she got slapped dang. i appreciated that he finally got woke and realized that all this time he had feelings for her. when it came time to try and find her after geun-won had kidnapped them and the ceo jang was the only one who knew where they were, he easily got down on his knees because he knew that he needed to save her and that he had something worth more than his pride. 

i’m willing to do it thousands of times. 

there’s nothing easier than this. 

i love how sae-ro-yi also kept her in line, because she could never hold her tongue. and she hurt those around her without realizing the consequences of her actions. (also his little head pat thing TT)

jang geun-soo. this kid should have been majorly twisted at the start, having the same raising as geun-won, but he was a sweet precious bean who found a friend in yi-seo. however, she never saw him in the same light he saw her. and that twisted his outlook and pursuit of his goals. he easily threw her feelings for sae-ro-yi under the bus and exposed her, and then went off to work for jangga to take over the company and win her heart. in the pruusit of his he released information about hyun-yi to the media during the cooking competition. and he became a different person. then at the end he came to his senses and went to apologize to the crew at danbam. i must also add i loved the hyung relationship that sae-ro-yi had developed with geun-soo even before he knew his family. and this lasted throughout the drama he was always there to offer advice and stand up for him, as well as forgive him when need be.

the danbam crew. choi seung-kwon went through major character development in the time he knew sae-ro-yi. he woke him up and showed him that he can change his perspective and elevate himself. he didn’t need to be a gangster even if that was his past self. and this was insanely prominent after yi-seo was kidnapped and he went to his previous gang to find out where they were, and he ended up calling the cops to solve the issue rather than doing so with his fists. he also developed in his perspective of those around him, especially in his growing feelings for ma hyuun-yi. she was the character who experienced a gender transformation in the early episodes of the show. her character was so great (and i must say that i love lee joo-young ever since ‘weightlifting fairy’). her character was insanely strong and went through so much as a part of her that she wished to be kept personal and secret was released to the public. she was strong and continued to hold her head high through it all. toni kim this boy brought light to the issue of racism and how deep set it is in the culture. i love that he started working there and how kim soon-rye, the investor and someone opposed to him, ended up being his grandmother. i found that all the members of danbam really enhanced each others qualities whether good or bad. and if bad they grew and developed to overcome them. 

sae-ro-yi’s father, park sung-yeol. this man was such an encouraging force for sae-ro-yi. he helped him finally realize what life was and how it should be lived. 

i’m going to embrace my yearning heart and continue tot love my life. 

you finally got it that is what life is. you can overcome anything as long as you’re alive. 

and the whole drinking alcohol thing, when it had been bitter tasting for so long and how it ended up being sweet in the end because he had the joy from those around him. i wept. 

plot & themes. 

i felt that they attempted to tackle large issues from transgender, racism, and social class structures. i found that they were are lightly touched and resurfaced every once in a while. i appreciate that they brought it to light, however i was disappointed that it was never fully addressed, but then again they did a lot considering other dramas don't even try. 

sae-ro-yi went through so many hardships and it really developed his character. being thrown in jail. having to work on a fishing vessel to raise funds. from having jangga company taking over his original building, to having to buy his own building to continue danbam. and all the twists from the cooking show they participated in and how even geun-soo realized information about hyun-yi in hopes of deterring their win. then as time went on they grew the company, our yi-seo ends up in the hospital and gets kidnapped. when sae-ro-yi goes to find her he gets run over just like his dad, another hit and run. then when he goes to ceo jang to find their location he gives him the go around and makes him bow to him. then when they find out where she and geun-soo are they get beaten up again. literally his bean went to hell and back again. i am glad that we saw them in the last clips as they found joy in their day to day, and he finally confessed to her as 

my head and heart are all filled with you. 

i love you. 

and how yi-seo now goes around asking him, ‘do you like me?’ and he makes the clarification nah i don’t just like you ‘i love you.’ i really appreciate this distinction because he followed soo-a around for years saying he liked her, and that this is different. 

there were so many favorite moments (sad happy and everything in between) throughout the drama so here are a few in no particular order:

yi-seo determining that she wants to help sae-ro-yi overcome everything and anything in his path

when sae-ro-yi opens up to yi-seo about his past and she sees all his scars and she cries while he holds her. 

when sae-ro-yi encourages hyun-yi to do what she wants even though it would throw their investment opportunities if they failed the best pub cooking show. but if it was best for hyun-yi that is what he was going to back.  and then how she is an incredible boss and says...

yi-seo finally confessing to him, and all he has excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. when we all know he loves her but is too stubborn to see anything but soo-a. even though i knew her feelings weren’t reciprocated at the moment my heart still shattered into a millions billion pieces when he said he never had feelings and when she confessed saying she loved him and he made up excuses  and told her not to love him. 

when toni finds out that the investor ahjumma is his grandmother, and that they are family and she welcomes him in with open arms. 

when sae-ro-yi finally cries. because dang was this a moment. when he wakes up after being run over and realizing that he didn't save yi-seo and that he is at a total loss. it’s a breaking point for him, and really everyone in the room felt it. 

park bo gum being that handsome chef in the end at soo-a’s cafe. 

i hope everyone enjoyed this drama as much as i did, and as always i am sure i missed things, and it just ended so i am still processing. but dang this one was really good, and i’d rate it a 12 out of 10.