#and I had at least a couple irl friends within a decent distance of me that I could go see

[liedownquisition]

SO,

which of those fics you’re hiding away appeals to you the most?

AND, what do you believe are the specific obstacles between you and figuring out how to finish it? if it’s a lack of foundation, what specifically is lacking in the foundation? if it needs more research, what would you need to research? if you’re not in the right mindspace anymore for the story you were telling, how has your mindset matured between then and now?

I think this is the first time I've had a legitimate and decent question in a really long time and honestly for that I'm going to give you a bit more information than you asked for bcs you've given me and Excuse.

First off, I'm going to give you info abt more than one, bcs asking which one "appeals" to me the most is like asking me to pick a favorite child, specifically the ones I have the most regrets about:

(This got super long I'm sorry)

(FE3H) A Study in Late-Onset Emotional Responsiveness - This is abt Byleth but in particular abt their response to *spoiler*'s death from a 3rd person perspective. I favor GD so it's from Claude's. The reason this makes the list is bcs while it's not as large as some of the other fics, it has what I think is one of my absolute best written little idk, metaphor isn't exactly what I'm looking for, but there's a poetry to it that just, I think it's good. I think it's real good.

(PJO) Love and Dying, Per the Sea - Not-really-Percico Hanahaki AU abt overcoming self-destructive loves and growing with it and growing against it. as much as I want to continue it, fandom climate grew in such a way that I was uncomfortable writing for characters in this age bracket/the age range of the target demographic. Also, I'd have to decide if I want to make it have a shippy endgame or not. Which again, Fandom got to be such a way that I got nervous about touching on any of that...

(DCMK) Bindings Between Us - Kaishin fic series centered around books and libraries. DCMK is... a fandom that has always been *good* to my fics and they're the one fandom that I contemplate writing for the most bcs of the validation they give me. This fic I would need to do a lot of research on esp mystery and heist novels since the "prequel" is abt them making sassy comments at each other via book exchange. there are two other prequels that I had ideas for/started to write but there's a decent bit of it that *relies* on the history of the book exchange, for that *and* the sequel. but also just, hm, i feel like outside of the prequel I don't feel as much direction in it (Note, you would not believe how many other DCMK fics I've got plotted out in my gdocs. Major fics even. The biggest roadblock to *all* of them is largely that either they need to be casefics, which I sometimes am not the cleverest at *making* puzzles even if I love solving them, or that there needs to at least be some degree of references to cases/heists to make it work.)

My writing has definitely matured a lot from my DCMK days, and I wonder if I could really manage to not make things... sound like they work together I guess. I like to think my character portrayals have gotten more in-depth and human, but in particular a lot of that means mess. I love mess, but not SOLID mess. like. Dynamic mess where people have flaws and hurt each other but work on it, or sometimes they just accept those flaws are going to hurt but they love someone enough to deal with it bcs it's not toxic - or, sometimes, it is toxic and it's about learning when to leave each other mutually even though it hurts but at least you had each other for a while - enough for it to have been good, enough before it became something bad. People are different and aren't going to agree. It's making the broken pieces of each other fit even though sometimes those pieces really really don't want to.

(TPP) Courtly Affairs - SpaceFae. Just... SpaceFae. The worldbuilding I have tucked away for this mfer that's never going to see the light of day even if I DID finish it is insane. I'm... so far behind on this podcast that I don't think I could do it justice until I do, but it's gotten *harder* for me to focus on them so it's... a lot. Mostly it's that yeah. well, and also a similar thing to the DCMK stuff is that all three of the fics that are supposed to go in this series are Casefics that build to one overhead case and like, that's a lot of interwoven Plot that I have to do just for character development. Lays down.

(NTWEWY) The Art of Living - this was posted as a oneshot, I'm very content with it, it's not my most popular work by a longshot bcs idc how big the fandom is in general but the dynamics that this oneshot covered are so very Niche that most people won't even look twice at it. "But Axel, this is about stuff you haven't written/posted, why are you talking about something you DID?" because, my friend, it was supposed to be multi-part, and I settled. It was supposed to be abt Josh being a shit who does nice things in the meanest way possible and Shoka calling him out and them roasting each other. But, also, about depression, suicidal idealization, and finding reasons to live for yourself and not just for other people. About finding Yourself when you want the people you care about to find You first and make the whole experience easier. It's a bit... raw, and I suppose that makes me nervous. (I also tried to get back into art/drawing with this one, I've got a picture all laid out for the scene but I can't bring myself to finish it.)

(AA) Unnamed LangWrightWorth - I have to confess that this one is actually the least planned out one. At least, not in the way the others are. Like? in the other ones (not counting the oneshot)? I've got several files of JUST notes and keeping track of things and Chapter Breakdowns. this one is just some rough backstory then some word vomit and a vague direction of where I wanna go with it/events I need to happen that I haven't notated outside of that One File. But it's got so much flavor. honestly? I think the biggest obstacle here is my brain is not fixated on this fandom rn.

Now we're in to my most recent fics in my Current Hyperfixation.

(DC/Batfam) Peggy Sue Me for Trying to Make Things Right - Jason Peggy Sue via deus ex machina. He recruits Tim as his civilian confidant and gets more than he bargained for. Most of the terrible stuff is canon in the original timeline with some concept-specific causes. I have arguably about 13+ batfam things but some that I feel more strongly like "oh I wish I could write and share this" and this is one of them. The main reason I do is bcs, well, you would not believe how many batfam fics I've read in the past…. idk, 6 months? I've gone through and read the majority of several major tags. a number of fics I've read more than once. This fic is one I really love the idea of but also am the most afraid of doing bcs there are dynamics in the fandom that I don't quite agree with. I tolerate many of them, but I don't agree with them on a legitimate basis. This fic has some *incredibly specific* dynamics in it, and those dynamics are messy. But, like, Human Messy. These people aren't inherently bad or good but sometimes they are Deeply Wrong about how they interact with each other and what they choose to do no matter how Noble they may try to be. This one is also a lil bit of a case fic. I worry about my ability to keep the plot from dragging as I air out the dirty laundry of every character involved.

(DC/Batfam) Essential Vigilante Guides -Jason Todd-centric. Utilized my highly specific Jason Todd's Bio family backstory that I thought was fun. Jason doesn't have a lot of canon friends from his Robin days and this fic doesn't exactly fix that - it's about him compensating for not having peers of his own by chatting up the only people he is around enough to build a relationship with: Villains. This right here is legitimately THE main fic I was referring to when it comes to having things plotted out to be honest, because each one that I think about maybe possibly sharing just kinda makes the feeling bigger. 3 seven-chapter fics either 3 oneshots or a single collection of those (and possibly other) oneshots to cover some gaps. the biggest issue here? Situations. I know what I want to do with the character dynamics. I know my goals for every single chapter. the problem is keeping it jazzy enough to not be some kind of monotonous "It's this situation again but with new character to interact in it!" Especially the second of the multichapter fics. It's... Big. It's intimidating. I don't have a good track record with multichapter fics/series even if this one is basically a bunch of vaguely linear oneshots set to Theme.

My biggest issue overall? Self-confidence. I've been out of the "posting my writing outside my writing discord where my 1 friend who loves me and everything I do can read it" game for so long that I guess I struggle to see value in my work. I struggle to believe that anyone would be interested in it. And, I know, and I fully support the "write for yourself, not anyone else" but the corollary to that is, admittedly, that if it's not for anyone else then why should I show it to anyone else.

IDK, don't get me wrong I love my friends but sometimes I need more support to push me to finish something, and It's been a struggle that I've fallen short on every time I try to get into a new community that could broker that. Not on the part of the community, but on mine. (no I haven't tried getting into any batfam-adjascent communities. I haven't been active in the DC fandom since... not since I used to RP a fanfic-inspired version of Wally West. And RP communities have gotten so much more intense than they used to be.)

[aziraphaleandcrowley]

Tldr: me word vomiting lots of random emotions and thoughts I’ve been having about my life. Would put under a read more but tumblr mobile is shite. Ignore if you wanna, I just needed to throw this into the world cos I’ve been so socially distant from everyone in my life that I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, and I’m not sure I would’ve even if I actually replied to my friends more than once in a blue moon

...............................................................

Me: honestly convinced I’m never gonna find romantic love cos I’m ace and probably aro - at the very least I’ve never been attracted to/interested in someone enough to want to date them and the whole being sexually attracted to someone and looking a people and wanting to have sex with them sounds fake and doesn’t resonate with me at all.

Me: is theoretically a very sex favourable and positive person but the idea of sex with someone I’m not dating is just so weird to me but damn do I wish there was someone who knew me and my likes and dislikes to be intimate with

Me: is super duper disappointed to not experience love/sex but is simultaneously doing literally zero to create opportunities cos I just don’t speak to anyone outside of my family and colleagues, and the one single guy I had any interest in at work is gay and has left.

Me: reads fanfic constantly and I’m now wondering whether it is beneficial in distracting me from my loneliness or enhancing it. I think both. I think I need a break from fanfic at the very least but honestly don’t know what I’d do without it cos it’s been my go to hobby for so many years and I legit read for 30+ hours a week and that’s soo much time to fill???

Me: really doesn’t want to have kids in the future cos I don’t understand kids in the slightest and pregnancy is terrifying and I still feel like a child myself and I know this is something which may change in the future but I don’t think so and my mum bringing up wanting grandkids on a near weekly basis recently is kinda starting to put me on edge cos I’m already starting to feel like a disappointment cos I’m an only child and I’m the only opportunity for grandkids - which I know is ridiculous but it how I feel and that’s valid

Me: with my grandad in hospital (he’s gonna be fine, he would be out of hospital if he actually did what the doctors and nurses said about doing exercises etc) it has made me think about the family I do have which is: my mum, my dad, my grandad and my uncle. That’s it. I have two other uncles and several cousins etc who I see maybe once a year but they don’t really count.

Me: has a handful of really amazing friends who I haven’t spoken to in months and I don’t even really know why. They’ve all messaged me and I just havent replied. I’m not trying to actively push them away like I did with a friend in the past who I just felt drained with in the end whenever we interacted, but honestly every time I get a message I just feel exhausted at the prospect of ongoing social interaction. And it’s silly cos I know exactly the kind of thing I could message people about to start a conversation, like I could talk to Emily about finally watching Hamilton and how it’s been two weeks and I’m still listening to song on repeat and how she was right about how good it is and yet it’s been a week and a half since I’ve thought about sending that message and yet I haven’t and just uggghhhh @me

Me: is horrified by the idea of being alone for life romantically, and knowing that between my ever dwindling family and me not talking to my friends that being alone if more likely that I ever want to think about

Me: wants to live a happy life of my own but don’t know how to. I want to move out but can’t afford to on my own and it’s super impractical when I can live with my parents for £20 per week for food. But god forbid if anything happens to one of my parents I’m gonna be stuck at home forever cos I have so little family and my parents have literally no one else to turn to.

Me: wants to do a masters in gender and sexuality studies writing about representations of asexuality on screen but I know I could write and entire book which would be great for phd level but I missed the deadline to apply cos June was crazy and all I’ve been doing recently is working 6 days a week then working on my car for a day before working another 6 days. And even if I did a masters and maybe eventually a phd I have no idea what I’d actually do with it? I have so little ambition for anything right now and the future is just a void of mystery in which I don’t even know what I want???

Me: is starting to think I might actually be kinda depressed. I’ve thought it on and off for longer than I’ll ever admit but I’d do quizzes online and they’d say I wasn’t so I didn’t really think too much more about it (and yes I know an online quiz is shit and means nothing but there’s no one I would want to talk to about it cos I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me and shit but yeah). I know I’m not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal depressed. All I know is I’m uninspired and I feel kinda empty. Doing stuff I do enjoy, if I actually do it, just makes me feel tired half the time so I end up trying to nap instead but then I don’t sleep great either, waking up in the night or when my dad is getting ready for work so I very rarely get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I’m irritable a lot too...

Me: even if I am depressed what does it matter? Like it does matter ofc, but my mum is on media for depression and it’s taking her weeks to get an appointment with the doctor to try and get a different dosage. I’m not a danger to myself or others, I’m unhappy, but who isn’t with COVID going on and there are people who need mental health services more than me. Which is really hypocritical of me to say cos I’ve told my best friend so many times that trauma and mental health etc aren’t competitions of who has it worse but it’s the truth. Also my mum and colleagues access the only mental health resources in town and I do not want to deal with interactions with people I know whilst trying to improve my mental health.

Me: I don’t know how many times I’ve said it in posts like this but something needs to change. I was set on a good course at the start of the year. I was getting out, socialising, doing new things, inspired to cook, learn to new music and change my lifestyle, and then COVID happened and since all of that has slowly drained away and I need to find a change to revitalise that. I’d hoped getting back to having driving lessons and working on my car would be a start, and to be fair it’s been less than two week since I restarted doing that, so maybe I can find a new spark of inspiration still. Within a couple of months I will pass my driving test. Hopefully it won’t take much longer than that to get my car finished and on the road (hopefully it’ll take two weeks to finish putting the rear end back together so we can finally get my car back on four wheels, then it’s just lots of little jobs which hopefully won’t take too long). The weather is supposed to be decent this week so I might work up the effort to go for a walk down the fields which always seems to relax me a little. And the cinema reopens at the end of the month so I’d finally have an excuse to get out of the house (I know COVID is not over and things should not be going back to normal any time soon, but I need to do something other than go work for 4 hours everyday and spend 90% of my time at home and most of that time in bed because I have nowhere else to go). I don’t know what else I can be hopeful for in the coming weeks but that’s a start and just listing them out here has made me feel a little better so.

I keep thinking about Patrick from Schitt s Creek, leaving his hometown to escape a life which didn’t fit him and finding everything he needed in a tiny town in rural Canada, and wishing I could do the same, but I know I’d just end up even more alone because I am not a social person in the slightest and don’t kno how to be despite knowing that me making changes is the only way to improve myself.

And then a line from Hamilton about death is easy, living is harder, and I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not in any way, shape or form want to die, but living is hard and I have an easy life. I have enough money that I was able to loan my dad the money to buy a car, and still have more savings after that than he does, I have a good that if not particularly well paid I do enjoy and I’m good at, my family live me in their own way, even tho I feel that part of my social distance and reluctantance towards others is because no one in my family is particularly socially inclined.

Maybe I just really need a hug.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore but I just had so much build of of words in my brain that they had to go somewhere and this has turned into my go to word vomit place

Things will get better. I don’t know when or how but they will. But they won’t if I don’t get enough sleep for a starters. So off to bed I go. If you’ve read all this thank you, I guess, for listening cos I’m not sharing this with anyone irl just yet. And I’m sorry this is so long but tumblr mobile doesn’t let me put in a read now but I want this out in the world even tho no one will see it

[fearofaherobrine]

Roleplay Server Log #294

“Slender Check, Red Scales, Temple Thief, Nessie's Star”

[Yaunfen] Pokes head up out of the water- Who that?

[TLOT] Is checking the local chunk as best he can for errors-

[Steve] scared- Slenderman....

[Slender] Notices them and then seems to realize where he is- My apologies, I hadn't realized how far I had followed my brother in

[TLOT] Has his hands out and his eyes closed like he's psychically searching for water- It's fine. The server is pretty tough and it's shored up to the nines for emp.

[Steve] Yanks the fish a little too hard to make it stop pulling and the lemon gummy fish flops on the ground near his mate-

[Slender] - I hope my brothers pet hasn't caused too much trouble?

[TLOT] Finishes and relaxes, his eyes opening with a slightly brighter glow from his concentration- Nah. She's had a few growth spurts and is verbal now. She's a stubborn kid, that's all. Elusive too.

-Fish flopping-

[Splender] In the distance- PINWHEEL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[TLOT] Um? - mentally- Splender? Is she hurt!?

[Splender] - SHE'S KILLED CRIM!

[TLOT] Aloud and in chat- If she killed him there'd be a death message in the chat? And there's nothing for today.

[Splender] - BUT SHE'S TEARING HIM APART!

[TLOT] Shakes his head- Where are you?

[Splender] - ON THE WAY TO CP'S!

[TLOT] At Steve - Please watch Yaunfen, my lamb.

[Steve] Got it.

[TLOT] Picks up the fish and it becomes a flat item and stops moving. He gives Slender a slightly long-suffering look- Shall we?

[Slender] - Lead the way

[Splender] Is freaking out nearby-

[Pinwheel] Is still helping Crim and bits of red scale are flying everywhere-

[TLOT] Walks up and stares - Um... Splender? Crim is incredibly relaxed and not in any pain. I think he might be shedding.

[Splender] - BUT THERE'S SO MUCH RED!!!!

[TLOT] That's because he's red. - he picks up a tiny scale and turns it in the light. it's just a single pixel and nearly invisible on the edge.

[Splender] Still making worried noises-

[Slender] Sighs and goes over to Pinwheel and picks her up- The other one seems to be asleep

[Pinwheel] - Nooooo!  Helping Cri!

[Splender] Gasps-

[TLOT] Checks on Crim, there are scales everywhere and the patches of new color she was exposing look fresh and shiny- Yeah, he's shedding. How odd. But she was doing good. It's nothing to freak out over. You know these two are friends.

[Splender] Tries to grab Pinwheel from Slender-

[Slender] - No brother, you know you hug her too much, that's why she bites you so much

[Splender] - But she's talking more now!

[TLOT] Is looking up at both of them- So let her talk-

[Pinwheel] - I helping Cri!

[Slender] - To the point that he fell asleep, that is usually a signal to stop so you don't accidentally hurt them

[Splender] - Brother!  Let me cuddle her!

[Slender] - You only just remembered that she was still here...

[TLOT] Hops a couple of times and throws dirt blocks under his feet so he's level with them- Pinwheel? What happened to Crim? Is he shedding?

[Pinwheel] - He got itchy after getting in some water

[TLOT] Aww. He should come find me or Doc if he gets hurt. You should too.

[Pinwheel] - I took bad scales away

[TLOT] Sounds like shedding to me. Good job kiddo.

[Pinwheel] - I keep going?

[Slender] - You should wake until he's awake again

[TLOT] Just in case. If you hit a sensitive patch you might wake him before he's done sleeping-

[Slender] - Brother, can I trust you to not smother her?

[Splender] Blubbering- Pinwheel!

[TLOT] Maybe try a bit of shoulder perching?

[Pinwheel] - No, me play with Cri

[TLOT] Do you want to stay and sleep with him?

[Pinwheel] - Yes!

[TLOT] Well there you go. Splender? Just hang around here for a bit. Let her keep her buddy company.

[Slender] - First he should come and close the portal once I leave

[TLOT] That would proabbly be a good idea-

[Steve] Has succumbed to the temptation to toss things in the hole to see what happens. There's a pile of small items and a cow on the irl side of the hole now-

[Slender] Puts Pinwheel down and grabs Splender before his brother can smother the dragon in a hug- Let's go brother, it'll only be a few minutes more

[Splender] - Awwwww...

[TLOT] removes the small tower and follows them-

[Steve] Chucks a stone pickaxe and it sticks in a tree on the other side of the divide-

[Slender] Let's go of Splender- Don't forget your responsibilities brother

[Splender] - Sorry brother...

[Slender] Steps through the portal and Splender quickly closes it-

[Steve] Skittered to the side when they came back-

[TLOT] It's no biggie Splender, have a fish. - Holds up the gummy fish and it gives off a very strong lemon candy odor.

[Splender] - Gummies!

[Steve] Pipes up-We were just fishing for some...

[Splender] Sniffs- But I forgot about Pinwheel...

[TLOT] I think you'll be forgiven. She's very independant and I think she enjoyed her running around time.

[Splender] - Still...  This is when my pets usually die...

[TLOT] She won't die, she's strong, and she's hooked to respawn anyway.

[Steve] Sad face- Pinwheel's not a pet anyway. She's as smart as a child already.

[Splender] - I know...

[TLOT] Maybe you should approach her more like a parent. It's good practice.

[Splender] - I'll work on it...

[TLOT] Good- He pats Splender's calf since that's as high as he can reach. - Goodness knows we've been getting a lot of practice parenting ourselves- Indicates Yaunfen-

[Splender] - Where is Doc?

[TLOT] Irl. Markus needed to regain a physical body and Deerheart and Flux went along for the same purpose. Doc is back and forth and Cp is standing guard out there.

[Splender] - I see, well, I think I'll go back to keeping an eye on Pinwheel

[TLOT] Okay. And I'm glad to see you back no matter the circumstances.

[Steve] We were worried something might have happened to you!

[Splender] - Oh no, nothing had happened.  But thank you for being concerned- He turns and heads to watch Pinwheel and Crim

[Yaunfen] Pops up out of the water trying to cram three fish into their mouth-

[Steve] Remember to chew!

[Yaunfen] Climbs out of the water and puts the fish down before yawning- All done

[Steve] Good job-

[TLOT] I think it's nap time....

[Yaunfen] - Not tired

[CP] Is just tossing a fireball around-

[Notch] Rolls over a bit to look at him. His voice is raspy- Sorry you're bored...

[CP] - You're actually awake?

[Flux] Perks from where she's reading-

[Deer] Is sleeping-

[Notch] Kinda wish I wasn't. My throat feels like I ate one of your fireballls....

[Flux] Approaches- Do you want some water?

[CP] Twirls his fire around a bit- Eh

[Notch] Anything...

[Flux] Fills a glass for him and kneels in front of him, holding it for him-

[Notch] Sharp intake of breath - Flux...

[Flux] - Yes?

[Notch] You look human now... But still lovely.

[Flux] - Deer has also shifted to look more human

[CP] - Apparently server's have an easier time becoming real since they already have a physical component

[Notch ] Deerheart came as well? - Takes the water- Can I see?

[CP] - Just roll over the other direction

[Notch Drinks the water and sets it down to look, it's obvious its painful to move. - Well at least she'll blend in if she wants to go somewhere with Doc...

[CP] - She already has

[Notch] Where did they go?

[CP] - A diner

[Flux] Puts a hand on Notch's forehead to check his temperature, it's rising somewhat quickly-

[Notch] Lays back- I feel like I was sunbathing in the Nether...

[CP] Looks around for some of his wife's cold flowers  and finds a couple in a corner which he tosses at Notch-

[Notch] Perfect... - He shakes one flower over his face and the snow falls on his cheeks- I had decent dreams at least, thanks to you...

[CP] - Whatever

[Notch] It almost feels wrong to be so detailed again...

[Flux] - Do you need anything else?

[Notch] Not sure. You close by feels good though. I'm glad you're not suffering.

[Flux] - I just wish you weren't...

[Notch] It was going to happen eventually. I'm not sorry. I'm just glad I can go back there when it's done. The server is my home now.

[Flux] - But now you can also show me your old world

[CP] Is getting annoyed over the lovey talk-

[Notch] I'm so taking you to the office. My old team would go bananas.

[Flux] - If you want

[CP] - Speaking of, how do you plan on getting there if you've supposedly only been using cash since you went missing?

[Notch] Can't we just make a portal back to the server and come out somewhere within walking distance of my apartment?

[CP] - That officer will want to check your story on how you returned, and we don't have to return to the server for me to portal us from one place to another

[Notch] We could ask Dawn? She's good at getting around on the down-low, isn't she?

[CP] - If you want...

[Notch] I trust you... - He's starting to fall asleep

[CP] - Fine- Instead of using the tv, he just teleports to the island

- There's no one around, but there is a faint motoring noise from down the beach-

[CP] Turns towards the noise and then heads towards it-

-The Morgenheutiengesternwelt is bobbing in the waves. It's anchoered just offshore and Mort is making a rather large mess from the side of it., there's a red streak down the hull below where he's standing.

[CP] - The fuck are you doing?

[Mort] Huh? Oh, just chumming. Dawn likes fish, but this is a nice way to get rid of the guts and heads and stuff.

-Down below there a ton of sharks snapping at the bits he's tossing down like an old lady feeding birds-

[CP] - Where's Dawn?

[Mort] Wheelhouse-

[Dawn] Mort? Are you talking to someone?

[Mort] Cp is here.

[Dawn] Peeks out - Oh, hi.

[CP] - We have to get Notch back to Sweden in a way that's doable, can be seen on camera, but not require him using a card

[Dawn] Eh. I'll get him on his way, I can afford it. - grins- Do I get anything in return?

[CP] Suspicious look- What?

[Dawn] What are you offering Cp? Could you get me something unusual I could sell or use?

[CP] - Fuck if I know

[Dawn] I'll sleep on it and get back to you. But you'll have my help. What kind of timeline are we working with?

[CP] - We have at least another week before he's capable of going anywhere, reforming a physical body and all

[Dawn] I'll make the reservations-

[Mort] Wow... look at this!

-There's a great white circling around with the other sharks-

[Mort] She's not the biggest I've ever seen, but so pretty.

[CP] - By the way, I ran into your Mothwoman last week

[Dawn] Oh, Klaarese? What's she up too?

[CP] - Some weird energy portal thing in the sky over a weird cat wall

[Dawn] A cat wall? Can you be more specific? I mean the portal is no big deal. They can be common in window areas where cattle mutilation is going on.

[CP] Gives her a mental image of the wall-

[Dawn] Oh, that's not a wall, that's an earthwork. They're usually just made of packed dirt and rocks. And it's not really a cat either.

[CP] - Well she was giving me a warning not to go out at night...  Typical Doc picking a place where there's potentially a danger

[Dawn] Well they're not always dangerous. Unless you try to bulldoze it over. Is there a lake anywhere near?

[CP] I don't know... I think I remember my wife mentioning one when she helped Doc become physical...

[Dawn] Then that's why it's there. It's probably got a lake monster legend attached to it as well, and for good reason. The mound was likely made because of the lake.

[CP] - I don't know, all I know is that there are scratch marks on the door and the ground is disturbed outside the entrance as well

[Dawn] Eyes narrow- Have you seen any wolves around?

[CP] - That's what the claw marks look like

[Dawn] I wonder what they would want with you? Usually they hang around cemetaries, or lovers lanes...

[CP] - What are they?

[Mort] Is just listening intently.

[Dawn] Hard to say really. Sometimes they seem to be just upright wolves. But they're smart. Too smart. Maybe even a little bit psychic.

[CP] - Oh joy

[Dawn] They're also territorial. But they should leave you alone unless you have something they want. Generally if you get in their territory they'll try to scare you, bluff or scratch at you so you'll run away.

[CP] - Then why did they attack me?

[Dawn] I don't know? Were you carrying anything they might want?

[CP] - No, but there was this weird eyeball tentacle thing

[Dawn] Oookay... Let's try this, what happened right before they attacked you?

[CP] - Um...  Some weird smells?

[Dawn] What kind of smell? Did someone hit you with the psychic equivalent of deer pee?

[Mort] Snickers softly-

[CP] - Spiced oils?

[Dawn] I don't know. Unless it was someone's concoction for summoning them...?

[CP] - Not sure, but we've smelled it around the server too

[Mort] Did it occur to you then that maybe the smell is attached to something they're searching for?

[Dawn] Have you been grave-digging Cp?

[CP] - No, my job is to put them there, and I don't know...  But Slender had to work on my head to keep that eyeball thing from affecting my mind

[Dawn] It must be something powerful then. Some of the Outsiders are just bad news in general. I always wonder if some of them decided to personally torment HP Lovecraft. It would explain a lot.

[CP] - Well, I have to get back to the bunker, we'll be back in about a week or so

[Dawn] Slightly ominious since the witch has been asked for a favor- I'll be ready.

[CP] Teleports back to the bunker without another word-

[TLOT] Is walking through Lie's yard.

[Steve] Look, it's probably nothing. You know how she is...

[Lie] Is repairing some fences in the back-

[Steve] Just give her another one, she'll get over it eventually. She wasn't using it like I suggested anyway.

[Lie] Yawns and reaches over to pat Rosebud who wandered closer-

[TLOT] But who in their right mind would...? I don't get it...

[Lie] Catches sight of them and hears the last comment- Who's done what now?

[TLOT] I have to go check on my Testificates. I got a message that they wanted me to come to that dammned temple in the snow biome.

[Lie] - Do you know what's going on?

[Steve] Someone stole from Lady Nessie, amongst other things.

[Lie] - Stole?  That doesn't sound good...

[TLOT] Who breaks into a temple full of monks who are experts in several different types of combat? They'd have to be insane.

[Lie] - Would you like me to go with you? I don't have much else to do

[Steve] If you're going you should take your cloak, it'll be cold.

[TLOT] More the merrier.

[Lie] - Just give me a moment- She goes back inside and returns with the cloak made from CP's hair. The Avulpix following her

[Steve] Points at the pokemon - Um Lie?

[Lie] Glances back before picking the Pokemon up and putting it back in the house- No you stay here

[TLOT] Hopefully this won't take long. They lit up a really old summoner to call and we're going to come out close to where we need to be. - heads down into the cage-

[Lie] Follows them down, smiling a little at her offensive pod-

[TLOT] Makes the portal and hisses at what's on the other side. He bows his head and walks through anyway.

[Steve] Follows and frowns -

[Lie] Is last and closes the opening behind them before looking around-

-The landscape is wrecked. It was a swamp biome with a village on the plains just touching it. The village is mostly washed out foundations now. Ahead of them the swamp is littered with felled trees and craters that have been filled with rainwater. Rising high above it all is a conical spire that was once a natural tower. The top looks exploded.

[Lie] - What is this?

[Steve] It was home... once...

-Theres a ridge of stone near the ruined tower that bleeds over into a mountain range and TLOT heads that direction-

[Lie] Follows the older brine, trudging through the swampy water and leaving a few lilies in her wake-

[Steve] Walks beside TLOT so his mate can lean on him a little.

-They reach the base of the ridge and Steve starts breaking rough stairs until they reach the top. The terrian turns to spruce forest and Steve shivers-

[Steve] I hate these woods.

[TLOT] Lets just get this over with...

[Lie] - Is it much farther?

[TLOT] Not too far, and a good thing too. I don't feel like playing with the mobs.

-After a bit of walking the temple rises into view and the two monks at the door cross their spears and shout back for a third to fetch Lady Nessie.

[Lie] Shivers despite the cloak-

[TLOT] Just let me in, I'm freezing. - he sweeps a hand and shoves the Testificates back against the wall with a small amount of weight.

[Steve] Scoots past them- sorry!

[Lie] Also gives an apology as she follows the two men in-

[Nessie] Stomps toward them, fuming- Desecrated! The very nerve!

[Lie] Leans closer to Steve- Does she mean us?  Or the person who stole from them?

[Steve] I'm guessing the thief. She can see when we come and go because she's able to read the chat.

[TLOT] Please calm down

[Nessie] NO. This is unforgivable!

[Lie] Subtly spawns a few calming flowers-

[TLOT] Rubs his temples- what happened?

[Nessie] Puts her hand on her chest- my star was stolen!

[TLOT] I'll give you another one...

[Lie] We're gonna fight a wither?

[TLOT] Mentally- if you want to do it that way?

[Lie] - No

[Nessie] That's not all! Our altar was desecrated!

[Lie] Mostly to herself- How do you desecrate a grass block?

[Nessie] Who actually has really good hearing- See for yourself! - She turns with a swirl of dress and stalks back up the hallway

[TLOT] Shakes his head and follows

[Lie] Eeps a little-

[Nessie] Tosses open the double doors angrily and gestures at the altar- I haven't touched it since the crime was discovered!

- where the grass block was in front of the huge window there is now a cobweb block-

[Lie] - Oh...  Well that's different...

[TLOT] looks uneasy- Testificates can't place those...

[Steve] if there was a spider in here there would be more right?

[Lie] - I doubt a spider could get in here Steve...

[Nessie] I'm thinking of tearing out the whole room and redoing it! This is unprecedented!

[Lie] - I'm sure that's not necessary...

[TLOT] Do you know how they got in at least?

[Nessie] Of course I don't! And the whole monastary has been searched top to bottom. No one has the block or my star!

[Lie] - TLOT...  Do you think?

[TLOT] Is projecting a small amount of fear but only Steve and Lie can feel it-

[Steve] We'll get you a new block. It's no problem.

[Nessie] Huffs-

[Lie] - Do the blocks come from anywhere specific?

[Nessie] No! It was a gift. Only Herobrine and Notch can place a greened block.

[Lie] - Would you accept one from me then?

[Nessie] ....

[TLOT] Just take it. She could make grass on stone. She's my pupil and more then worthy.

[Nessie] Looks at Lie more closely. It's dead obvious she'd rather have one given by a Notch.

[Lie] - Consider it a gift given on my father in law's behest, the Supreme Notch

[Nessie] Twitch-twitch, she's considering it.

[Lie] Waits patiently-

[TLOT] Gives her a look-

[Nessie] Fiiine. I will accept it. But get rid of those horrid cobwebs first.

[Lie] Steps forwards and swats the webs away before placing a dirt block.  She concentrates and thick foliage erupts from the top of it, it's thicker and greener than the previous block-

[Nessie] Tries not to look impressed- And the star?

[TLOT] I'll kill a wither for you myself and deliver it in a matter of days.

[Nessie] Still looks irritated-

[Lie] - I'd rather not go fighting...

[TLOT] Shoots her a clear please shut up I'm lying expression-

[Steve] We'll take care of it.

[Lie] Goes to stand behind TLOT and Steve-

[TLOT] We'll be back.

[Nessie] Gives him a 'see that you are' haughty expression.

[TLOT] Is walking quickly towards the entrance and Steve is trying not to walk right behind him because he's making the cobbles hot-

[Lie] Dances around the hot cobbles as well-

[TLOT] Gets outside and the snow just vanishes in a four block radius around him. -

[Lie] - Well at least you're warm...

[Steve] I'm going to check the wall under the window-

[TLOT] Thumps his helm hard against a small tree and there's a long creak as it slowly topples over and crunches to the ground.

[Lie] Stands there awkwardly- Umm, TLOT?  Is everything alright?

[TLOT] Takes a sharp breath and lets out a very aggravated scream of frustration before slumping. -This whole situation is really stressing me out...

[Lie] - Do you want some calming flowers?

[TLOT] distracted- No, I'm not hungry.

[Lie] Summons them anyways-

[Steve] comes racing back and looks around before speaking quietly- I made a nerd pole outside the window and climbed up. This was on the outside sill! - He holds up his hand and there are spider threads tangled in his fingers-

[Lie] Pulls out the spider threads she got from the alter- I wonder if Doc can analyze them...

[TLOT] Looks at them with trepedation- I really hope this is just a bad joke....

[Lie] - TLOT, do you think it could be your new NOTCH?

[TLOT] Visibly shivers- I hope you're wrong...

[Steve] Suddenly looks inspired- They took the old NOTCH's symbol and replaced it!

[TLOT] Shut up shut up shut up-

[Lie] Reaches out to put a comforting hand on TLOT- Hey, easy, we're here for you

[TLOT] Is shaking a little -

[Steve] I'm here for you too. You don't have to face this alone.

[Lie] - Do you want to head back?  Or investigate more?

[TLOT] I'd rather fight a dozen withers then be near this place one more moment.

[Lie] - Then let's go home, I'll make the opening

[Steve] Stands ready with his mate-

[Lie] Creates the opening and motions for Steve to guide TLOT through-

[TLOT] Hurries and doesn't look back-

[Notch] Stirs a little as his phone rings-

[CP] - Oh what now?

[Deer] Is making food for them-

-ring ring ring-

[Flux] - Notch?  Do you want me to get that?

[Notch] Little snore-

-ring ring-

[CP] Sighs and moves over, grabbing the phone and looking at it- Oh joy- He nudges Notch-

[Notch] Groans in pain-

-ring ring ring-

[CP] Hits answer-

[Jeb] Hello? Markus?!

[CP] - What do you want?

[Deer] - CP be nice

[Flux] Is trying to encourage Notch to wake up-

[Jeb] recognizes Cp's voice- There was a cop here looking for Markus-

[CP] - We know, you had her call him

[Jeb] Hey, I was trying to defuse the situation. I'm calling to see if I can help. What's the plan?

[CP] - Well currently he's regaining a physical form

[Jeb] Holy shit... so he's bedridden?

[CP] - Yup

[Flux] Quietly- Notch, wake up

[Notch] Painful cough in his sleep-

[CP] - He's got a little less then a week left

[Jeb] Are you already nearby? Do you have a plan to get him here in a traceable way?

[CP] - I have no idea how close we are to you, but we are setting up a way to get back-

[Jeb] Good. That cop has been watching the building and she's probably got his apartment under survellance too-

[CP] - She's a tenacious one

[Jeb] Sullen- Unfortunately for us...

[CP] - I know ways to kill her, especially to make it look like suicide

[Jeb] Please don't say stuff like that...

[CP] - Just saying.

[Jeb] Can you bring him to visit us when all this is over at least?

[CP] - That's up to him

[Jeb] If he wants too. We'll buy him dinner, take him drinking, whatever. He is missed around here.

[CP] - Yeah well he won't be alone

[Jeb] Bring friends. We'll make a party of it.

[CP] - I don't think you want my friends around

[Jeb] I'm just trying to make it worth your while Cp. I'll even get you drunk, what's your preffered poison?

[CP] - The strongest shit there is

[Jeb] Done deal! It's a date. Safe trip all of you.

[CP] Hangs up and tosses the phone on top of Notch-

[Notch] Oof...

[CP] - Everyone is waiting for you to get there now

[flockofdoves]

i dont really know why im posting this on my public blog instead of privately or probably even more sensibly with people i care about (although i just feel so alienated, i’ve become good friends with people in college and i love them a lot but i’m not sure despite how open some people have encouraged me to be, if my relationships are close enough to talk about this kinds of stuff seriously, which might be a weird concern because i overshare all the time but i just always feel really guilty for it) i guess i mind less about people hearing this and more about burdening anyone in specific, idk!!

but yeah ive just been really emotional this week, or really ive had the same range of emotions as usual but ive just been crying a lot again. i used to cry almost every day and have like weekly panic attacks in high school when my relationship with my parents was really toxic and i was harassed every day at school my senior year, but since freshman year after my dad was diagnosed and then my nana passed away and then my dad passed away too for the most part i’ve just been holding in so much and i’m finally starting to let that out this past month or so but in really weird ways where i’ll burst out sobbing even in public over the stupidest shit

and thats started to happen multiple times a week as of this past week and its made me realize how i feel alone all over again. i have one person at university i would consider to genuinely be a close friend even if he may not consider me a best friend, i’m not sure, but we only see each other around every other week when we actually plan to hang out because we’re no longer in any of the same classes or dorms or anything. beyond that i feel most comfortable with people from work, and consider many of them to be my friends, but recently some of my co-managers have been speaking out about how they feel unwelcome in our work environment and it can feel cliquey and it makes me so upset that i didn’t pick up the cues that shouldve made me realize that, i feel like i’m not doing my part and if i am misinterpreting my relationships with my coworkers, then maybe they dont even consider me as much of a friend as i do them.

and then ive started to get closer with a few people ive only really talked to since school started and they really all are just such wonderful people and i want to get to know them better but i worry the way i’m opening up to them is disproportionate and unfair to them but i really don’t know how to navigate this all.

its making me realize i dont think my avoidant personality disorder shit ever actually improved for the most part, it was just that my two best friends, shannon and burke, and my girlfriend, jacqueline, have been a constant in my life for so long now that my constant anxieties about my relationships with others and my interactions didn’t feel as prominent because at least logically i knew i could rely on them

and of course i can, i love all three of them so much and they have been for me through so much, but since college i don’t get to see shannon every day and burke multiple times a month, when we catch up its wonderful, and i’m sure its all natural to how long term friendships work, but not having them here physically sometimes makes me feel a bit more lonely, because regardless of how many seemingly positive interactions i have with someone who isn’t them or who i’ve met in the past couple years, based on experience i can never have the reassurance that i have with them that they have explicitly given me throughout the years for ages after where i currently stand in all my irl friendships, and who knows how much of that all is mutual even now we’re those newer friendships are at. and even jacqueline, who i try to talk to as much as possible, this past year has been so emotionally draining that i’ve slipped into not talking at least once a day like we used to and i feel like i dont have nearly as much time as i want to be spending with her having fun. and for all three of them i worry i just am not there for them like i want to be.

and just specifically with romantic stuff it makes me so upset i’ve only ever got to visit jacqueline irl once, which was almost a year ago now, and that most of that memory even though i loved the short time we had i also associate with my dads health turning even worse because his legs becoming paralyzed while me and my mom were in oklahoma of course meant that we cut the trip short because of course we wanted to make sure my dad was safe and okay.

and yeah just after crying again today, my new friends hugging me was really nice, but when i went into my room right afterward i burst out sobbing, and i have no idea how to recover from this or comfort myself effectively, i only know how to sleep it off and feel like shit when i wake up halfway through the next day. so now thats why i’m writing this to vent and have been for like the past 45 minutes and still havent really gotten to all of it. i don’t know how to comfort myself but i know right now i just really wish i had someone that could just lie down with me and comfort me, maybe even a bit romantically.

and i feel really goofy for saying that, i get really self conscious about how immature i feel compared to so many people my age, sometimes i think its in part an autism thing but also i know other autistics at my university who aren’t like this so i really don’t have a decent excuse but like . i’ve never even done that with someone.

me and jacqueline only got to see each other essentially a day before i suddenly needed to go back to ohio, we were both so nervous, we took a while to even hold hands, and that day and a half we saw each other i had my first kiss, and later my last kiss i’ve had since. both of those and the ones in between being just a peck on the lips. i’m not complaining about that, i don’t think we should’ve rushed our pace, but i think it goes to show how lost i feel in navigating this all if even after knowing her so well and dating her for over 2 years at that point, i froze so much.

i’m comfortable with jacqueline with stuff like that because she’s expressed shes in a similar boat, and i really appreciate that understanding. i think its wonderful how we’ve been together for almost 3 years now, but also thinking about that is wild. i was in such a different place back then, i don’t think i really knew what dating someone or being in a relationship entailed. i’m happy with how we go about our relationship, but also i get really lost when comparing how i define and go about romantic things versus most people i’ve met in college. i’ve never been in a relationship with anyone but her, and i’ve never been in a relationship that wasn’t long distance. i love her and i wish she were closer so maybe we could begin to figure that out together. also ive had a lot of casual crushes on girls at college in the past couple years and i think it would be really nice to explore that too, but honestly i have no idea how to go about that and its so daunting to try to think about so i just resign it as unrealistic unless something extremely significant changes within the next few years, and then i’ll be really pathetic for not knowing anything as a fucking 23 year old maybe in grad school or something. and so i just get to feeling more lonely and having more anxiety about my interactions and relationships with others.

i know its a common thing apparently for lgbt people to be “late bloomers” but im surrounded by so many lgbt people who are so far ahead of me with relationship stuff, and i don’t think i’ve met a single lgbt person in college besides myself who is quite this inexperienced/naive/etc.

i dont know how i’m ever supposed to learn this stuff at this rate, even if i feel slightly less bad about stuff like my appearance and personality nowadays (or more like, i know i look weird but i care less now because i dont care enough any more to try changing my appearance over it, and then i’m still terrible with communication and social cues and oversharing and all my weird shit etc etc etc but i guess at least i try to be compassionate and that must at least be somewhat noticeable if other people sometimes remark on it), even if people are fine with that and find me interesting enough, i really don’t see how almost any girl who got that far would then find it worth it to deal with how fucking stunted i am in that regard. like thats just not fair to have to have someone guide me around so much because i just have no idea what to do and no idea How to figure that out.

so yeah im just . having a rough time im very emotional and expressing it physically (which while somewhat cathartic after feeling so empty, also makes me feel worse because the context in which i last was like this is not one i want to dwell on now that my dad has passed and ive been in the process of forgiveness) and i have so much love for so many people but also i feel so so so so so lost and alone and stunted and i really just don’t know how to begin working on that and its really embarrassing to admit.