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#and I have a trip next Thursday and it’s making me fucking anxious because field trips used to give me panic attacks in high school
gleeincorrectquotes · 2 years
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#fuck I have so much to do#it never fucking ends#and now I’m supposed to be writing an essay but my history teacher has forgotten to send any of the resources I need to me and she probably#won’t respond until Monday#when it’s due on Wednesday#unless she decides to forget when she set it and expects it on Monday which I wouldn’t put past her#and i have exams to revise for that are at the end of the month but I can’t even begin to get on with that because ive been trying to tackle#the huge amount of homework I’ve gotten from my history teacher#like just make the homework to revise?? I’ve got shit to do I don’t have time to be writing essays about the subject we’re not even doing#and now my mum says she wants me to spend the weekend cleaning out my room and drawers to build the new drawers#and I have a trip next Thursday and it’s making me fucking anxious because field trips used to give me panic attacks in high school#and my uni applications are all due in by the end of November and I have to talk to my tutor about my personal statement but she’s only in#like once a week for like 2 hours#and every time I try to rationalise it by cutting down on tumblr time it never works cause I’m just cutting out the things I actually enjoy#doing and my brain just won’t let that happen cause it’s a piece of shit#I’m really fuming with my brain rn actually for a lot of reasons#I mean if it’s not being it’s usual unmotivated self it’s tricking me into having fantasies where I off myself#anyway fuck me ive been back at college 2 days and I can actually FEEL the effect it’s having on me mentally#anyway I might randomly become really incactive for a bit heads up#I love how sometimes my jen rambles tag is funny stuff and sometimes it’s ‘pov ur the therapist I don’t have’#jen rambles#not glee#random#not incorrect quotes#tw sui thoughts#but like only very briefly#delete later#if I rememer to
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50 SHADES OF KWON JI YONG PT.9
LISTEN I AM IN MY UNICORN ONESIE AND I DRINK SONE GREEN TEA WITH BURGERS...IM HAVING A GOOD AF DAY....ENJOY BY THE WAY I WILL UPLOAD BARED TO HIM TODAY! next update tomorrow...........
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Genre:Smut/Angst/Fluff
Rated:NC-17
Pairing G-Dragon x Reader
Word count: 6,573
Part.8 Part.9 Part.10
He pulls out of me suddenly. I wince. He sits up on the bed and throws the used condom in a wastebasket. “Come on, we need to get dressed – that’s if you want to meet my mother.” He grins, leaps up off the bed, and pulls on his jeans, no underwear! I struggle to sit up as I’m still tethered. “Jiyong - I can’t move.”
His grin widens, and leaning down, he undoes the tie. The woven pattern has made an indented pattern around my wrists. It’s… sexy. He gazes at me. He’s amused, his eyes dancing with mirth. He kisses my forehead quickly and beams at me. “Another first,” he acknowledges, but I have no idea what he’s talking about. “I have no clean clothes in here.” I am filled with sudden panic, and considering what I’ve just experienced, I’m finding the panic overwhelming. His mother! Holy crap. I have no clean clothes, and she’s practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto. “Perhaps I should stay here.” “Oh, no, you don’t,” Jiyong threatens. “You can wear something of mine.” He’s slipped on a white t-shirt and runs his hand through his just-fucked hair. In spite of my anxiety, I lose my train of thought. Will I ever get used to looking at this beautiful man? His beauty is derailing. “Y/N, you could be wearing a sack and you’d look lovely. Please don’t worry. I’d like you to meet my mother. Get dressed. I’ll just go and calm her down.” His mouth presses into a hard line. “I will expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing. My t-shirts are in this drawer. My shirts are in the closet. Help yourself.” He eyes me speculatively for a moment, then leaves the room. Holy shit. Jiyong’s mother. This is so much more than I bargained for. Perhaps meeting her will help put a little part of the jigsaw in place. Might help me understand why Jiyong is the way he is… Suddenly, I want to meet her. I pull my shirt off the floor, and I’m pleased to discover that it has survived the night well with hardly any creases. I find my blue bra under the bed and dress quickly. But if there’s one thing I hate, it’s not wearing clean panties. I rifle through Jiyong’s chest of drawers and come across his boxer briefs. After pulling on a pair of tight Black Calvin Kleins, I tug on my jeans and my Converse. Grabbing my jacket, I dash into the bathroom and stare at my too-bright eyes, my flushed face – and my hair! Holy crap… just-fucked pigtails do not suit me either. I hunt in the vanity unit for a brush and find a comb. It will have to do. A ponytail is the only answer. I despair at my clothes. Maybe I should take Jiyong up on his offer of clothes. My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho’. I ignore her. Struggling into my jacket, pleased that the cuffs cover the tell-tale patterns from his tie, I take a last anxious glance at myself in the mirror. This will have to do. I make my way into the main living room. “Here she is.” Jiyong stands from where he’s lounging on the couch. His expression is warm and appreciative. The sandy-haired woman beside him turns and beams at me, a full megawatt smile. She stands too. She’s impeccably attired in a camel-colored fine knit sweater dress with matching shoes. She looks groomed, elegant, beautiful, and inside I die a little, knowing I look such a mess. “Mother, this is Y/N Y/L/N. Y/N, this is Kwon Han Gi-Ran.” Dr. Gi-Ran holds her hand out to me. “What a pleasure to meet you,” she murmurs. If I’m not mistaken, there is wonder and maybe stunned relief in her voice and a warm glow in her hazel eyes. I grasp her hand, and I can’t help but smile, returning her warmth. “Dr. Kwon-Han,” I murmur. “Call me Gi-Ran,” she grins, and Jiyong frowns. “I am usually Dr. Han, and Mrs. Kwon is my mother-in-law.” She winks. “So how did you two meet?” She looks questioningly at Jiyong, unable to hide her curiosity. “Y/N interviewed me for the student paper at GAU because I’m conferring the degrees there this week.” Double crap. I’d forgotten that. “So you are graduating this week?” Gi-Ran asks. “Yes.” My cell phone starts ringing. Rin, I bet. “Excuse me.” It’s in the kitchen. I wander over and lean across the breakfast bar, not checking the number. “Rin.” “WAEE! Y/N!” Holy crap, it’s Mino. He sounds desperate. “Where are you? I’ve been trying to contact you. I need to see you, to apologize for my behavior on Friday. Why haven’t you returned my calls?” “Look Mino, now’s not a good time.” I glance anxiously over at Jiyong who’s watching me intently, his face impassive as he murmurs something to his mom. I turn my back to him. “Where are you? Rin is being so evasive,” he whines. “I’m in Seoul.” “What are you doing in Seoul? Are you with him?” “Mino, I’ll call you later. I can’t talk to you now.” I hang up. I walk as nonchalantly back to Jiyong and his mother. Gi-Ran is in full flow. “… And Taeyang called to say you were around – I haven’t seen you for two weeks, darling.” “Did he now?” Jiyong murmurs, gazing at me, his expression unreadable. “I thought we might have lunch together, but I can see you have other plans, and I don’t want to interrupt your day.” She gathers up her long cream coat and turns to him, offering him her cheek. He kisses her briefly, sweetly. She doesn’t touch him. “I have to drive Y/N back to Gangnam.” “Of course, darling. Y/N, it’s been such a pleasure. I do hope we meet again.” She holds her hand out to me, her eyes glowing, and we shake. Woo-Bin appears from… where? “Mrs. Kwon?” he asks. “Thank you, Woo-Bin.” He escorts her from the room and through the double doors to the foyer. Woo-Bin was here the whole time? How long has he been here? Where has he been? Jiyong glares at me. “So the photographer called?” Crap. “Yes.” “What did he want?” “Just to apologize, you know – for Friday.” Jiyong narrows his eyes. “I see,” he says simply. Woo-Bin reappears. “Mr. Kwon, there’s an issue with the Darfur shipment.” Jiyong nods curtly at him. “Choi Hae back at Boeing Field?” “Yes sir.” Woo-Bin nods at me. “Miss Y/L/N.” I smile tentatively back at him, and he turns and leaves. “Does he live here? Woo-Bin?” “Yes.” His tone is clipped. What is his problem? Jiyong heads over to the kitchen and picks up his BlackBerry, scrolling through some emails, I assume. His mouth presses in a hard line, and he makes a call. “Ros, what’s the issue?” he snaps. He listens, watching me, brown eyes speculative, as I stand in the middle of the huge room wondering what to do with myself, feeling extraordinarily self-conscious and out of place. “I’m not having either crew put at risk. No, cancel… We’ll air drop instead… Good.” He hangs up. The warmth in his eyes has disappeared. He looks forbidding, and with one quick glance at me, he heads into his study and returns a moment later. “This is the contract. Read it, and we’ll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do some research, so you know what’s involved.” He pauses. “That’s if you agree, and I really hope you do.” He adds, his tone softer, anxious. “Research?” “You’ll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs. Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Rin’s laptop, and I couldn’t use Clayton’s, not for this sort of ‘research’ surely? “What is it?” he asks, cocking his head to one side. “I don’t have a computer. I’ll see if I can use Rin’s laptop.” He hands me a manila envelope. “I’m sure I can… err, lend you one. Grab your things, we’ll drive back to Gangnam and grab some lunch on the way. I need to dress.” “I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Hyo-Rin’s voice. He frowns. “The photographer?” His jaw clenches, and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like to share, Miss Y/L/N. Remember that.” His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom. Holy crap. I just wanted to call Rin, I want to call after him, but his sudden aloofness has left me paralyzed. What happened to the generous, relaxed, smiling man who was making love to me not half an hour ago? “Ready?” Jiyong asks as we stand by the double doors to the foyer. I nod uncertainly. He’s resumed his distant, polite, uptight persona, his mask back up and on show. He’s carrying a leather messenger bag. Why does he need that? Perhaps he’s staying in Gangnam, and then I remember graduation. Oh yes… he’ll be there on Thursday. He’s wearing a black leather jacket. He certainly doesn’t look like the multi-multi millionaire, billionaire, what-ever-aire, in these clothes. He looks like a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, maybe a badly behaved rock star or a catwalk model. I sigh inwardly, wishing I had a tenth of his poise. He’s so calm and controlled. I frown, recalling his outburst about Mino… Well, he seems to be. Woo-Bin is hovering in the background. “Tomorrow then,” he says to Woo-Bin who nods. “Yes sir. Which car are you taking, sir?” He looks down at me briefly. “The R8.” “Safe trip, Mr. Kwon. Miss Y/L/N.” Woo-Bin looks kindly at me, though perhaps there’s a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his eyes. No doubt he thinks I’ve succumbed to Mr. Kwon’s dubious sexual habits. Not yet, just his exceptional sexual habits, or perhaps sex is like that for everyone. I frown at the thought. I have no comparison, and I can’t ask Rin. That’s something I am going to have to address with Jiyong. It’s perfectly natural that I should talk to someone – and I can’t talk to him if he is so open one minute and so standoffish the next. Woo-Bin holds the door open for us and ushers us through. Jiyong summons the elevator. “What is it, Y/N?” he asks. How does he know I’m chewing something over in my mind? He reaches up and pulls my chin. “Stop biting your lip, or I will fuck you in the elevator, and I don’t care who gets in with us.” I blush, but there’s a hint of a smile around his lips, finally his mood seems to be shifting. “Jiyong, I have a problem.” “Oh?” I have his full attention. The elevator arrives. We walk in, and Jiyong presses the button marked G. “Well,” I flush. How to say this? “I need to talk to Rin. I’ve so many questions about sex, and you’re too involved. If you want me to do all these things, how do I know–?” I pause, struggling to find the right words. “I just don’t have any terms of reference.” He rolls his eyes at me. “Talk to her if you must.” He sounds exasperated. “Make sure she doesn’t mention anything to Taeyang.” I bristle at his insinuation. Rin isn’t like that. “She wouldn’t do that, and I wouldn’t tell you anything she tells me about Taeyang – if she were to tell me anything,” I add quickly. “Well, the difference is that I don’t want to know about his sex life,” Jiyong murmurs dryly. “Taeyang’s a nosy bastard. But only about what we’ve done so far,” he warns. “She’d probably have my balls if she knew what I wanted to do to you,” he adds so softly I’m not sure I’m supposed to hear it. “Okay,” I agree readily, smiling up at him, relieved. The thought of Rin with Jiyong’s balls is not something I want to dwell on. His lip quirks up at me, and he shakes his head. “The sooner I have your submission the better, and we can stop all this,” he murmurs. “Stop all what?” “You, defying me.” He reaches down and cups my chin and plants a swift, sweet kiss on my lips as the doors to the elevator open. He grabs my hand and leads me into the underground garage. Me, defying him… how? Beside the elevator, I can see the black 4x4 Audi, but it’s the sleek, black sporty number that blips open and lights up when he points the key fob at it. It’s one of those cars that should have a very leggy blonde, wearing nothing but a sash, sprawled across the hood. “Nice car,” I murmur dryly. He glances up and grins. “I know,” he says, and for a split second, sweet, young, carefree Jiyong is back. It warms my heart. He’s so excited. Boys and their toys. I roll my eyes at him but can’t stifle my smile. He opens the door for me and I climb in. Whoa… it’s low. He moves round the car with easy grace and folds his long frame elegantly in beside me. How does he do that? “So what sort of car is this?” “It’s an Audi R8 Spyder. It’s a lovely day, we can take the top down. There’s a baseball cap in there. In fact there should be two.” He points to the glove box. “And sunglasses if you want them.” He starts the ignition, and the engine roars behind us. He places his bag in the space behind our seats, presses a button, and the roof slowly reclines. With the flick of a switch, Bruce Springsteen surrounds us. “Gotta love Bruce,” he grins at me and eases the car out of the parking space, and up the steep ramp where we pause for the barrier. Then we’re out into the bright Seoul May morning. I reach into the glove box and retrieve the baseball caps. The Mariners. He likes baseball? I pass him a cap, and he puts it on. I pass my ponytail through the back of mine and pull the peak down low. People stare at us as we drive through the streets. For a moment, I think it’s at him… and then a very paranoid part thinks everyone is looking at me because they know what I’ve been doing during the last twelve hours, but finally, I realize it’s the car. Jiyong seems oblivious, lost in thought. The traffic is light and we’re soon on the I-5 heading south, the wind sweeping over our heads. Bruce is singing about being on fire and his desire. How apt. I flush as I listen to the words. Jiyong glances at me. He’s got his Ray-Bans on so I can’t see what he’s thinking. His mouth twitches slightly, and he reaches across and places his hand on my knee, squeezing gently. My breath hitches. “Hungry?” he asks. Not for food. “Not particularly.” His mouth tightens into that hard line. “You must eat, Y/N,” he chides. “I know a great place near Olympia. We’ll stop there.” He squeezes my knee again, and then returns his hand to the steering wheel as he puts his foot down on the gas. I’m pressed into the back of my seat. Boy this car can move. The restaurant is small and intimate, a wooden chalet in the middle of a forest. The décor is rustic: random chairs and tables with gingham tablecloths, wild flowers in little vases. Cuisine Sauvage, it boasts above the door. “I’ve not been here for a while. We don’t get a choice – they cook whatever they’ve caught or gathered.” He raises his eyebrows in mock horror, and I have to laugh. The waitress takes our drinks order. She flushes when she sees Jiyong, avoiding eye contact with him, hiding under her long blonde bangs. She likes him! It’s not just me! “Two glasses of the Pinot Grigio,” Jiyong says with a voice of authority. I purse my lips, exasperated. “What?” he snaps. “I wanted a Diet Coke,” I whisper. His brown eyes narrow, and he shakes his head. “The Pinot Grigio here’s a decent wine, it will go well with the meal, whatever we get.” He says patiently. “Whatever we get?” “Yes.” He smiles, his dazzling, head cocked to one side smile, and my stomach pole vaults over my spleen. I can’t help but reflect his glorious smile back at him. “My mother liked you,” he says dryly. “Really?” His words make me flush with pleasure. “Oh yes. She’s always thought I was gay.” My mouth drops open, and I remember that question… from the interview. Oh no. “Why did she think you were gay?” I whisper. “Because she’s never seen me with a girl.” “Oh… not even one of the fifteen?” He smiles. “You remembered. No, none of the fifteen.” “Oh.” “You know, Y/N, it’s been a weekend of firsts for me, too,” he says quietly. “It has?” “I’ve never slept with anyone, never had sex in my bed, never flown a girl in Choi Hae, never introduced a woman to my mother. What are you doing to me?” His eyes burn, their intensity takes my breath away. The waitress arrives with our glasses of wine, and I immediately take a quick sip. Is he opening up or just making a casual observation? “I’ve really enjoyed this weekend,” I murmur. He narrows his eyes at me again. “Stop biting that lip,” he growls. “Me too,” he adds. “What’s vanilla sex?” I ask, if anything to distract myself from the intense, burning, sexy look he’s giving me. He laughs. “Just straightforward sex, Y/N. No toys, no added extras.” He shrugs. “You know… well actually you don’t, but that’s what it means.” “Oh.” I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top. But hey, what do I know? The waitress brings us soup. We both stare at it rather dubiously. “Nettle soup,” the waitress informs us before turning and flouncing back into the kitchen. I don’t think she likes to be ignored by Jiyong. I take a tentative taste. It’s delicious. Jiyong and I look up at each other at the same time with relief. I giggle, and he cocks his head to one side. “That’s a lovely sound,” he murmurs. “Why have you never had vanilla sex before? Have you always done… err, what you’ve done?” I ask, intrigued. He nods slowly. “Sort of.” His voice is wary. He frowns for a moment and seems to be engaged in some kind of internal struggle. Then he glances up, a decision made. “One of my mother’s friends seduced me when I was fifteen.”(A/N I FUCKING HATE MRS.ROBINSON!) “Oh.” Holy shit that’s young! “She had very particular tastes. I was her submissive for six years.” He shrugs. “Oh.” My brain has frozen, stunned into inactivity by this admission. “So I do know what it involves, Y/N.” His eyes glow with insight. I stare at him, unable to articulate anything – even my subconscious is silent. “I didn’t really have a run-of-the-mill introduction to sex.” Curiosity kicks in big time. “So you never dated anyone at college?” “No.” He shakes his head to emphasize the point. The waitress takes our plates, interrupting us for a moment. “Why?” I ask when she’s gone. He smiles sardonically. “Do you really want to know?” “Yes.” “I didn’t want to. She was all I wanted, needed. And besides, she’d have beaten the shit out of me.” He smiles fondly at the memory. Oh, this is way too much information – but I want more. “So if she was a friend of your mother’s, how old was she?” He smirks. “Old enough to know better.” “Do you still see her?” “Yes.” “Do you still… err… ?” I flush. “No.” He shakes his head and smiles indulgently at me. “She’s a very good friend.” “Oh. Does your mother know?” He gives me a don’t-be-stupid stare. “Of course not.” The waitress returns with venison, but my appetite has vanished. What a revelation. Jiyong the submissive… Holy shit. I take a large slug of Pinot Grigio – he’s right, of course, it’s delicious. Jeez, all these revelations, it’s so much to think about. I need time to process this, when I’m on my own, not when I’m distracted by his presence. He’s so overwhelming, so Alpha Male, and now he’s thrown this bombshell into the equation. He knows what it’s like. “But it can’t have been full time?” I’m confused. “Well, it was, though I didn’t see her all the time. It was… difficult. After all, I was still at school and then at college. Eat up, y/n.” “I’m really not hungry, Jiyong.” I am reeling from your disclosure. His expression hardens. “Eat,” he says quietly, too quietly. I stare at him. This man – sexually abused as an adolescent – his tone is so threatening. “Give me a moment,” I mutter quietly. He blinks a couple of times. “Okay,” he murmurs, and he continues with his meal. This is what it will be like if I sign, him ordering me around. I frown. Do I want this? Reaching for my knife and fork, I tentatively cut into the venison. It’s very tasty. “Is this what our err… relationship will be like?” I whisper. “You, ordering me around?” I can’t quite bring myself to look at him. “Yes,” he murmurs. “I see.” “And what’s more, you’ll want me to,” he adds, his voice low. I sincerely doubt that. I slice another piece of venison, holding it against my mouth. “It’s a big step,” I murmur and eat. “It is.” He closes his eyes briefly. When he opens them, they are wide and grave. “Y/N, you have to go with your gut. Do the research, read the contract – I’m happy to discuss any aspect. I’ll be in Gangnam until Friday if you want to talk about it before then.” His words are coming at me in a rush. “Call me – maybe we can have dinner – say, Wednesday? I really want to make this work. In fact, I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want this to work.” His burning sincerity, his longing, is reflected in his eyes. This is fundamentally what I don’t grasp. Why me? Why not one of the fifteen? Oh no… Will that be me – a number? Sixteen of many? “What happened to the fifteen?” I blurt. He raises his eyebrows in surprise, then looks resigned, shaking his head. “Various things, but it boils down to,” he pauses, struggling to find the words I think. “Incompatibility.” He shrugs. “And you think that I might be compatible with you?” “Yes.” “So you’re not seeing any of them anymore?” “No, Y/N, I’m not. I am monogamous in my relationships.” Oh… this is news. “I see.” “Do the research, Y/N.” I put my knife and fork down. I cannot eat any more. “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to eat?” I nod. He scowls at me but chooses not to say anything. I breathe a small sigh of relief. My stomach is churning with all this new information, and I’m feeling a little lightheaded from the wine. I watch as he devours everything on his plate. He eats like a horse. He must work out to stay in such great shape. The memory of the way his PJ’s hung from his hips comes unbidden to my mind. The image is totally distracting. I squirm uncomfortably. He glances up at me, and I blush. “I’d give anything to know what you’re thinking right at this moment,” he murmurs. I blush further. He smiles a wicked smile at me. “I can guess,” he teases softly. “I’m glad you can’t read my mind.” “Your mind, no, Y/N, but your body – that I’ve got to know quite well since yesterday.” His voice is suggestive. How does he switch so quickly from one mood to the next? He’s so mercurial… It’s hard to keep up. He motions for the waitress and asks for the check. Once he’s paid, he stands and holds out his hand. “Come.” Taking my hand in his, he leads me back to the car. This contact, flesh to flesh, it’s what is so unexpected from him, normal, intimate. I can’t reconcile this ordinary, tender gesture with what he wants to do in that room… The Red Room of Pain. We are quiet on the drive , both lost in our own thoughts. When he parks outside my apartment, it’s five in the evening. The lights are on – Rin is at home. Packing, no doubt, unless Taeyang is still there. He switches off the engine, and I realize I’m going to have to leave him. “Do you want to come in?” I ask. I don’t want him to go. I want to prolong our time together. “No. I have work to do,” he says simply, gazing at me, his expression unfathomable. I stare down at my hands, as I knot my fingers together. Suddenly I feel emotional. He’s leaving. Reaching over, he takes one of my hands and slowly pulls it to his mouth, tenderly kissing the back of my hand, such an old fashioned, sweet gesture. My heart leaps into my mouth. “Thank you for this weekend, y/n. It’s been… the best. Wednesday? I’ll pick you up from work, from wherever?” he says softly. “Wednesday,” I whisper. He kisses my hand again and places it back in my lap. He climbs out, comes round to my side, and opens the passenger door. Why do I feel suddenly bereft? A lump forms in my throat. I must not let him see me like this. Fixing a smile on my face, I clamber out of the car and head up the path, knowing I have to face Rin, dreading facing Rin. I turn and gaze at him midway. Chin up Y/L/N, I chide myself. “Oh… by the way, I’m wearing your underwear.” I give him a small smile and pull up the waistband of the boxer briefs I’m wearing so he can see. Jiyong’s mouth drops open, shocked. What a great reaction. My mood shifts immediately, and I sashay into the house, part of me wanting to jump and punch the air. YES! My inner goddess is thrilled. Rin is in the living area packing up her books into crates. “You’re back. Where’s Jiyong? How are you?” Her voice is fevered, anxious, and she bounds up to me, grabbing my shoulders, minutely analyzing my face before I’ve even said hello. Crap… I have to deal with Rin’s persistence and tenacity, and I’m in possession of a legal signed document saying I can’t talk. It’s not a healthy mix. “Well how was it? I couldn’t stop thinking about you, after Taeyang left, that is.” She grins mischievously. I can’t help but smile at her concern and her burning curiosity, but suddenly I feel shy. I blush. It was very private. All of it. Seeing and knowing what Jiyong has to hide. But I have to give her some details, because she won’t leave me alone until I do. “It was good, Rin. Very good, I think,” I say quietly, trying to hide my embarrassed tell-all smile. “You think?” “I’ve got nothing to compare it to, do I?” I shrug apologetically. “Did he make you come?” Holy crap. She’s so blunt. I go scarlet. “Yes,” I mumble, exasperated. Rin pulls me to the couch and we sit. She clasps my hands. “That is good.” Rin looks at me in disbelief. “It was your first time. Wow, Jiyong must really know what he’s doing.” Oh Rin, if only you knew. “My first time was horrid,” she continues, making a sad comedy face. “Oh?” This has me interested, something she’s never divulged before. “Yes, Jung Youngjae. High school, dickless jock.” She shudders. “He was rough. I wasn’t ready. We were both drunk. You know – typical teenage post-prom disaster. Ugh – it took me months before I decided to have another go. And not with him, the gutless wonder. I was too young. You were right to wait.” “Rin, that sounds awful.” Rin looks wistful. “Yeah, took almost a year to have my first orgasm through penetrative sex and here you are… first time?” I nod shyly. My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face. “I’m glad you lost it to someone who knows their ass from their elbow.” She winks at me. “So when are you seeing him again?” “Wednesday. We’re having dinner.” “So you still like him?” “Yes. But I don’t know about… the future.” “Why?” “He’s complicated, Kate. You know – he inhabits a very different world to mine.” Great excuse. Believable too. Much better than – he’s got a Red Room of Pain, and he wants to make me his sex slave. “Oh please, don’t let this be about money, Y/N. Taeyang said it’s very unusual for Jiyong to date anyone.” “Did he?” My voice hitches up several octaves. Too obvious, Y/L/N! My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long skinny finger, then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much. Ha… what’s he going to do – take all my money? I must remember to Google ‘penalties for breaching a non-disclosure agreement’ while I’m doing the rest of my ‘research’. It’s like I’ve been given a school assignment. Maybe I’ll be graded. I flush, remembering my A for this morning’s bath experiment. “Y/N, what is it?” “I’m just remembering something Jiyong said.” “You look different,” Rin says fondly. “I feel different. Sore,” I confess. “Sore?” “A little.” I flush. “Me too. Men,” she says in mock disgust. “They’re animals.” We both laugh. “You’re sore?” I exclaim. “Yes… overuse.” I giggle. “Tell me about Taeyang the over-user,” I ask when I’ve stopped giggling. Oh, I can feel myself relaxing for the first time since I was in line at the bar… before the phone call that started all this – when I was admiring Mr. Kwon from afar. Happy uncomplicated days. Rin blushes. Oh my… Min Hyo-Rin goes all Y/N Y/L/N on me. She gives me a dewy-eyed look. I’ve never seen her react this way to a man before. My jaw drops to the floor. Where’s Rin, what have you done with her? “Oh, Y/N,” she gushes. “He’s just so… Everything. And when we… oh… really good.” She can hardly string a sentence together she’s got it so bad. “I think you’re trying to tell me that you like him.” She nods, grinning like a lunatic. “And I’m seeing him on Saturday. He’s going to help us move.” She clasps her hands together, leaps up off the couch, and pirouettes to the window. Moving. Crap – I’d forgotten all about that, even with the packing cases surrounding us. “That’s helpful of him,” I say appreciatively. I can get to know him too. Perhaps he can give me more insight into his strange, disturbing brother. “So what did you do last night?” I ask. She cocks her head at me and raises her eyebrows in a what-do-think-stupid-look. “Pretty much what you did, though we had dinner first.” She grins at me. “Are you okay really? You look kind of overwhelmed.” “I feel overwhelmed. Jiyong is very intense.” “Yeah, I could see how he could be. But he was good to you?” “Yes,” I reassure her. “I’m really hungry, shall I cook?” She nods and picks up two more books to pack. “What do you want to do with the fourteen thousand dollar books?” she asks. “I’m going to return them to him.” “Really?” “It’s a completely over-the-top gift. I can’t accept it, especially now.” I grin at Rin, and she nods. “I understand. A couple of letters came for you, and Mino has been calling every hour on the hour. He sounded desperate.” “I’ll call him,” I mutter evasively. If I tell Rin about Mino, she’ll have him for breakfast. I collect the letters from the dining table and open them. “Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seoul, for intern placements!” “For which publishing house?” “For both of them!” “I told you your GPA would open doors, Y/N.” Rin, of course, already has an internship set up at the Seattle Times. Her father knows someone, who knows someone. “How does Taeyang feel about you going away?” I ask. Rin wanders into the kitchen, and for the first time this evening, she’s disconsolate. “He’s understanding. Part of me doesn’t want to go, but it’s tempting to lie in the sun for a couple of weeks. Besides, Mom is hanging in there, thinking this will be our last real family holiday before Jae and I head off into the world of paid employment.”  Kate is off to Barbados with her parents and her brother Jae for two whole weeks. I’ll be Hyo-Rin-LESS in our new apartment. That will be weird. Jae has been traveling the world since he graduated last year. I wonder briefly if I’ll see him before they go on vacation. He’s such a lovely guy. The phone rings, jolting me from my reverie. “That’ll be Mino.” I sigh. I know I have to talk to him. I grab the phone. “Hi.” “Y/N, you’re back!” Minoé shouts his relief at me. “Obviously.” Sarcasm drips from my voice, and I roll my eyes at the phone. He’s silent for a moment. “Can I see you? I’m sorry about Friday night. I was drunk… and you… well. Y/N– please forgive me.” “Of course, I forgive you Mino. Just don’t do it again. You know I don’t feel like that about you.” He sighs heavily, sadly. “I know, Y/N. I just thought, if I kissed you, it might change how you feel.” “Mino, I love you dearly, you mean so much to me. You’re like the brother I never had. That’s not going to change. You know that.” I hate to let him down, but it’s the truth. “So you’re with him now?” His tone is full of disdain. “Mino, I’m not with anybody.” “But you spent the night with him.” “That’s none of your business!” “Is it the money?” “Mino! How dare you!” I shout, staggered by his audacity. “Y/N,” he whines and apologizes simultaneously. I cannot deal with his petty jealousy now. I know he’s hurt, but my plate is overflowing dealing with Kwon Ji Yong. “Maybe we can have a coffee or something tomorrow. I’ll call you.” I am conciliatory. He is my friend, and I’m very fond of him. But right now, I don’t need this. “Tomorrow then. You’ll call?” The hope in his voice twists my heart. “Yes… goodnight, Mino.” I hang up, not waiting for his response. “What was that all about?” Rin demands, her hands on her hips. I decide honesty is the policy. She’s looking more intractable than ever. “He made a pass at me on Friday.” “Mino? And Kwon Ji Yong? Y/N, your pheromones must be working overtime. What was the stupid fool thinking?” She shakes her head in disgust and returns to packing crates. Forty-five minutes later, we pause our packing for the house specialty, my lasagna. Rin opens a bottle of wine, and we sit amongst the boxes eating, quaffing cheap red wine, and watching crap TV. This is normality. It’s so grounding and welcome after the last forty-eight hours of… madness. I eat my first unhurried, no nagging, peaceful meal in that time. What is it about him and food?Rin clears the dishes, and I finish packing up the living room. We are left with the couch, the TV, and the dining table. What more could we need? Just the kitchen and our bedrooms left to pack up, and we have the rest of the week. Result! The phone rings again. It’s Taeyang. Rin winks at me and skips off to her bedroom like she’s fourteen. I know that she should be writing her Valedictorian speech, but it seems Taeyang is more important. What is it about the Kwon men? What is it that makes them totally distracting, all-consuming, and irresistible? I take another slug of wine. I flick through the TV channels, but deep down I know I’m procrastinating. Burning a bright red hole in the side of my purse is that contract. Do I have the strength and the wherewithal to read it tonight? I put my head in my hands. Mino and Jiyong, they both want something from me. Mino is easy to deal with. But Jiyongn… Jiyong takes a whole different league of handling, of understanding. Part of me wants to run and hide. What am I going to do? His burning brown eyes and that intense smoldering stare come into my mind’s eye, and my body tightens at the thought. I gasp. He’s not even here, and I’m turned on. It just can’t be about sex, can it? I recall his gentle banter this morning at breakfast, his joy at my delight with the helicopter ride, him playing the piano – the sweet soulful oh-so-sad music. He’s such a complicated person. And now I have an insight as to why. A young man deprived of his adolescence, sexually abused by some evil Mrs. Robinson figure… no wonder he’s old before his time. My heart fills with sadness at the thought of what he must have been through. I’m too naïve to know exactly what, but the research should shed some light. But do I really want to know? Do I want to explore this world I know nothing about? It’s such a big step. If I’d not met him, I’d still be sweetly and blissfully oblivious. My mind drifts to last night, and this morning… and the incredible, sensual sexuality I’ve experienced. Do I want to say goodbye to that? No! Screams my subconscious… my inner goddess nods in silent zen-like agreement with her. Rin wanders back into the living room, grinning from ear to ear. Perhaps she’s in love – I gape at her. She’s never behaved like this. “Y/N, I’m off to bed. I’m pretty tired.” “Me too, Rin.” She hugs me. “I’m glad you’re back in one piece. There’s something about Jiyong,” she adds quietly, apologetically. I give her a small, reassuring smile – all the while thinking… How the hell does she know? This is what will make her a great journalist, her unfaltering intuition. Collecting my purse, I wander listlessly into my bedroom. I am weary from all our carnal exertions of the last day and from the complete and utter dilemma that I’m faced with. I sit on my bed and gingerly extract the manila envelope from the bag, turning it over and over in my hands. Do I really want to know the extent of Jiyong’s depravity? It’s so daunting. I take a deep breath, and with my heart in my throat, I rip open the envelope.
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Aroo!
On March 18th, I did not die during my first Spartan race.  I was quite proud of myself.  Only five weeks before had I signed up to join a novice team this gym was putting together.
 After my four days of snowboarding in Keystone, Colorado, I was feeling amped up from again not dying.  That trip was only the second time I had gone boarding.  The first time was ten years prior on an icy bunny hill in Vermont.  
 I was just telling my friend, who also went on the snowboarding trip with me, that I always wanted to do a Spartan.  And on one of the night's we were there, I happened to see on social media that this Crossfit gym was organizing first time Spartans to participate in the Las Vegas course.  
 I sent in the request to join the team, received an email, and that Saturday after my trip, on February 11th, I signed up to do my very first one.  
 Now anyone who is not familiar with Spartans, there are three different distances, technically four, but if you've heard of someone say they got their Spartan Trifecta, what they are referring to is obviously just three.  The first is the Sprint, which is about 5 miles with 15-20+ obstacles.  Second, is the Super, which is about 8-10 miles with 20-25+ obstacles, and the last is the Beast, approximately 13-15 miles with 25+ obstacles.  The fourth one is called the Ultra Beast which is a marathon, 26+ miles with several obstacles.  
 I met a client who has down all four, and he said the Ultra Beast is just "stupid."  Meaning, it's just stupid for anyone to put themselves through it, unless you really are a masochist.  
 I figured that because this would be our first Spartan, we would be doing the Sprint. Nope, we were doing the Super.  "Oh, crap," I thought, "I'm going to die."
 As part of our commitment to run with the team, we had to go to at least one of three designated workouts each week.  I tried to go as often as I could, and I did go to at least one a week, but with traveling I couldn't make all three.  Now these workouts were focused on our mental and physical conditioning for the Spartans, as well as instructions for some of the obstacles we would see in the race.  
 I also tried to go to as many Crossfit classes as I could to build up strength.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays at my 24 hour gym, they offer RPM cycling and Vinyasa Yoga.  So after my Crossfit class, I would go to those too whenever I could.  
 Five weeks went by quickly, and at the beginning of the last week, the owner sent us an email saying we could either choose to run the Super or the Sprint. The Super was on Saturday, the Sprint on Sunday.  I was leaning towards doing the Sprint, but with the prodding of one of the trainers and finding out that most of my newbie teammates were doing the Super, I decided to commit to Saturday.  
 Some people on my team were saying it was only forty-five minutes to Mesquite.  And I stupidly didn't bother to check until the night before.  It actually takes ninety minutes to get there.  So I realized I needed to get up at 5:00 AM and I should have already been asleep in bed.  It was already 10:00 PM.  
 One melotonin, and a couple puffs of a bowl to help me relax, I still was awake with anxiety and anticipation.  I'm really bad at relaxing and getting sleep prior to an event.  Same thing happened when I did the NYC Marathon a few years ago. I work myself up with not only thinking about the physical task I'll be doing the next day, but also with saying to myself, "You need to get to sleep!"  But then as the hour’s tick on by, I get more anxious.  
 I don't think I ever went into a deep sleep the night before my Spartan race.  I may have nodded off there and again, but I remember thinking, "Fuck, I'm not going to get any real sleep."
 Five AM soon rolled around and I slowly went through the usual wake up routine-- locating my glasses, pissing, brushing teeth, and putting in my contacts.  
 My scientist made me banana and blueberry pancakes and couple eggs.  I tried to eat as much as I could because I knew I would need the energy, but my nerves were preventing me to enjoy the full meal and plus, we were crunched for time.  
 I packed the cooler with water and Gatorade and filled up my camel back.  We backed up my vehicle and I was soon speeding up 15 towards the race.  I got off the exit, just past the border into Littlefield, Arizona, and followed the line of cars that I assumed were all going to the same spot I was.  
 There were lines of vehicles in the middle of this field.  It was $10 to park and $20 just to be spectator and I wondered how much money they profit off each of these races.  
 I put waterproof bandages on my dermal piercings in hopes it would help protect them from being caught on anything.  Slipped on my compression socks and Inov-8s and I headed towards registration.  
 My gym won biggest team, so we had the biggest tent and I soon spotted where we were located. A lathered myself with few layers of sun block, attached the tags, and I was soon at the starting line.  
 My team went off at 9:15 AM.  It hadn’t gotten too hot yet, but by the end of the race, I could feel the sun beating down. People can choose to start in the afternoon, and I had no idea how people can make it through starting at 1:00 PM, when it was up to the high 80s that day.  
 I started off with my novice team, but I couldn’t find the one young woman who was usually there at practices.  She and I were similar in pace, so I was hoping she was there to keep me motivated. I later found out she missed her alarm and had to start at 9:30 AM.  
 I was soon running ahead of my novice team members.  Running in the sand sucks, but it actually wasn’t too bad for me. During the obstacles, there were times I needed assistance, like going over the 8 feet wall.  But mostly I was battling with myself, such as carrying a sandbag for a certain distance.  
 I think it was around mile 6 and there was this obstacle that was this curved bar. It curved inward and although it looks easy, you need to have the muscle strength and technique to get over it.  I was actually able to get onto it with no issue and started climbing, but there was another girl on the left of me and she was hesitating to climb over it.  It is pretty high up so it is a little intimidating.  I noticed her hesitation and allowed her to go ahead, but that was a mistake because I spent my energy waiting for her and then I didn’t have enough strength to get myself over, so I actually fell down on my back.  Luckily, there was straw underneath to break my fall, but it sucked that I couldn’t get over it.  And every time you can’t do an obstacle, it’s 30 burpees.  
 My legs cramped for the last mile.  And of course the last mile is where most of the obstacles are.  I didn’t attempt the rope climb because I couldn’t do it at the gym, so that was another 30 burpees.  Missed the spear throw, 30 burpees.  And two of the last obstacles were monkey bars and the multi-rig (where you’re hanging and have to get across like you would with monkey bars).  I attempted the first one, but my leg immediately cramped up and I had to fall down, 30 burpees.  So I didn’t attempt the multi-rig, 30 burpees.  
 I finished in approximately 3.5 hours.  If I didn’t have to do 120 burpees in that last half a mile, I probably would have finished closer to three hours.  
 The last obstacle is jumping over fire.  I ran through the finish line, a lady hung my metal over my head, and I grabbed a banana they were handing out at the end of the race.  I limped to my scientist and back over to the tent.  
 Sore, beaten, and exhausted, I reclined my seat in the car as we drove back to Vegas. I wondered how people who just did the Super like I did, were doing the Sprint the next day.  
 But I made it through, and with some things that cause pain, like tattoos and piercings, I was hooked.  I’ve signed up to do a Super and a Sprint in one weekend in May.  And I’m trying to coerce my Northeast friends to do a Beast with me in the fall, so that I may achieve my Trifecta this year.  
 I’ve been continuing with Crossfit and started back running again.  As I’ve mentioned in my tweets, losing fat has been much more difficult this year.  Just with cycling and rollerblading, I haven’t seen much change.  I’ve certainly gained muscle with Crossfit, but my fat percentage hasn’t significantly decreased the way I thought it would.  
 Age is definitely a factor, but I do believe this birth control implant is not doing me any benefit in the weight loss department.  I’ll see how it goes after six weeks of running approximately 20K a week, and if I don’t see significant change, I might just slice my arm open myself and take it out.  
 It definitely feels great to be stronger.  Last year I was thinner, but all I was doing was running pretty much.  Now I’m doing deadlifts with 175 pounds.  
 On my gym’s social media page, there was another young woman who’s been working out there for three months, and posted her transformation journey.  She was teased for her muscle structure all her life and her sole purpose of HIIT and cardio was to break down her muscle mass.  But she has since learned to embrace her body and now her focus is to be stronger and faster than she ever has been.  
 Although I don’t recall ever being teased specifically for my body structure, actually I’m probably criticized more now by haters than I was growing up, I definitely understand where this woman is coming from.  
 Everyone has different tastes, but as a young girl, I only had the skinny and slim models to compare myself to.  I’m broad and not narrow.  I’ve always had muscular thighs from sports and horseback riding.  And women who had muscle were seen as gross.  
 I appreciate that being fit and muscular is far more “in” than before.  But women are still built differently, so we can look different even if we’re fit and muscular.
 Take Kayla Itsines, for example.  I love the positivity and motivation she has within her program, as well as the food pictures she posts, they’re always so colorful, and she’s without question very fit. But she has a completely different body structure than I do.  
 Most men really cannot understand how much we torment ourselves when we are girls and even into adulthood.  And men can be cruel and stupid, let’s be honest here, and they usually have a misconception on what women are supposed to look like, and if there is any variation from that perception, they then think a woman is fat.  
 I weigh 155 now with 22-23% body fat.  At the end of October, I wrote I was 138 and 22% body fat.  So guess what?  I gained muscle, not fat.  But do you know how many men would think I’m a fatty if I put that I weigh 155?  Even with recent photos, men would still probably think that my photos must by years old, and now I’m the size of Kung Fu Panda.
 I get very defensive about this, and not only for myself but other women.  A client asked me who I do duos with, and I told him my good friend, Jasmeen Lefleur.  He responded, “Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but is she a bit heavy? I like petite and small.”
 My immediate response was, “She isn’t fat.  She’s curvy and muscular.  And if you like women who are petite and small, what are you doing with me?”
 Ugh, men. *Rolling my eyes as I type this.*
 By the way, I love Jasmeen’s body.  Her skin is deliciously smooth and I like that she’s strong.  I like women who look like they won’t break while being fucked. Plus, Jasmeen has an incredibly kind soul.  
 Anyway, back to society’s perception of beauty.  
 So men, again, let me repeat, since some of you still haven’t learned this, women come in all shapes and sizes.  We don’t all have to have a 22-inch waist and a space between our thighs to be beautiful. Some of us have muscular thighs that can be used to choke you out or run Spartan races.  
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myaekingheart · 7 years
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I feel like I've been doing nothing but running around for days and I hate it, I have no energy, I don't have any breaks from this point forward. I just...I'm so tired.
Last week was the only possible summer break I was gonna get considering I have to take summer courses this year so I spent the entire week making the best of my time off, sleeping in late and staying up late and just overall being a lazy bum. I didn't really have any opportunities to get school supplies between my parents' work schedules and how slow some of my teachers were with uploading their syllabi and stuff so I just figured I could buy everything during the first week when I got back. I felt like most teachers don't require you to have all the stuff on the very first day, anyways. After all, I ordered my textbooks either through Amazon or the school's bookstore's website so I could just pick them up today and everything would be golden. It honestly feels like I've been running non-stop since Friday, though. We had meatloaf for dinner on Thursday night and it didn't taste right, but I don't know if there was actually something wrong with it or if it was just my nerves acting up on me. My parents said it tasted fine to them. I was up all night with bathroom problems and insomnia. I ended up only getting four and a half hours of sleep that night and had to be up super early that morning for my big birthday trip. I was going to spend my birthday weekend with my boyfriend, which I couldn't have been more excited about. That fact didn't exactly help my insomnia. Actually, it pretty much caused it. Anyway, I had to be up bright and early at 8am (which is early for me) so we could leave by 9:30am. We decided to take my grandma's car because it's bigger and we definitely needed the space. Me, my parents, my grandmother, and my boyfriend's mother all piled into the car together and spent the longest car ride ever all crammed into the same car. Normally the ride is only 4.5 hours long and I thought I might be able to sleep on the trip up but that wasn't happening. I was smushed in the middle of the backseat between both my mom and his with a shitty stomach. I brushed it off as nerves, getting that same excited butterfly feeling as a kid on the day of a field trip does. I couldn't even eat breakfast and so my stomach was caught between feeling deathly hungry and disgustingly crampy. It was hunger and nausea and almost even PMS like cramps all at once. It was that kind of nausea where no matter how hungry you are, getting near food makes your gag reflex go off and you have to force yourself to swallow every bite you take. Also didn't help that I kept suffering from some serious cotton-mouth so it kept feeling like I had to try and dry swallow my food. We stopped at a McDonald's halfway through the drive and I tried my best to eat my burger and fries but all I could think about was how weirdly colored the burger looked and how there were too many onions, too much ketchup and mustard, how bothersome my stomach felt, and that Viggo Mortensen quote about the stark contrast between a freshly made and cold McDonald's fry. Also didn't help that we decided to sit outside where it was hot as hell and a million birds kept eyeing us up trying to get to our food, coming dangerously close with their mouths open. Between that little break and a setback after nearly getting in a car accident (we had only been on the road about a 45mins to an hour, it seems, when the car in front of us got in a brutal accident where the entire front of his vehicle got smashed in and it was my dad's responsibility was to pull over, assess the damage, make sure everyone was okay, and wait until highway patrol showed up), we got to my boyfriend's house much later than anticipated. It was about 4pm when we showed up-- I was tired and nauseous and I wanted nothing more than to just relax and spend time with my boyfriend. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He had work at 5pm which meant he left the house at 4:30pm and he didn't get off until 11:30pm. Rather than just go straight to bed, his mother and I chilled on the couch for a very short period of time before my parents and grandma showed up and we all went out for pizza. On one hand, I was happy to have gone since the pizza place we went to makes great, ginormous pizzas (their motto is literally "Slices as big as your head") and the atmosphere of the restaurant itself is really cool but on the other hand, I was so tired and felt so sick, I was in one of those states where a part of me just wanted to go to bed but the other half knew I would never be able to get to sleep anyways so I might as well say fuck it and suffer. Like always, we had a lot of leftovers so we packed up the remaining slices in a box to take back to my boyfriend for when he got off work. Considering my parents had never seen my boyfriend's workplace before, we decided to go walk around and check it the local store. HIs mother and I have been there countless times but my parents and grandmother never had so it was nice getting to show them around and see my boyfriend a bit in the process. We had to buy a couple things, anyways. The place was pretty much dead except for a few late-night stragglers but it was kind of funny having such a big group of people all in different places wandering around the store. I don't know why but I kind of liked the feel of it. There's something kind of satisfying about it to me for some strange reason. We left the place at about 9 or 9:30 and his mother and I went back to his place where I pretty much went straight to bed. I slept for a few hours before my boyfriend accidentally woke me up when he came home, turning on the light and taking his shoes off. He was exhausted-- and after a shift like that, who wouldn't be?-- but at least he was able to get Saturday (my birthday) off, which I was unbelievably pleased to hear. He went to sleep pretty easily but I, on the other hand, had trouble falling back asleep. I kept tossing and turning, my stomach was killing me, and all I could think about was my birthday the next day. I've always gotten relatively anxious on and around my birthday but moreso this year than ever. Ironically enough, it all leads back to my mom. When I was a kid, she treated every holiday and birthday like it was this huge, special event and she'd always go all out. She wanted to make each holiday super fucking special which I understand because they're big days and they deserve to be treated as such but at the same time, it always makes me feel like every holiday needs to be picture perfect and that we need to go all out every year and make a huge deal out of everything. It adds a lot of unnecessary anxiety that I truthfully hate but have no idea how to ever get rid of. This year, however, it was even more than just that looming over my head. My birthday last year was absolutely terrible. I had had a difficult year and was looking forward to wiping the slate clean once I turned 19 only to spend the majority of my birthday stuck in a hospital triage room right across the hallway from the bathroom where some woman was violently puking with the door wide open. My mom had her coworkers at the doctor's office she works at across the street take her blood pressure just out of sheer curiosity and it was something like 200/80 and she was rushed right to the emergency room for fear of having a stroke. It was pretty much the worst birthday of my life both because of how I spent it (from the selfish perspective) and the fact that my mom very much coudld've suffered from a stroke or worse, died. I know the odds of something like that happening again were next to none but at the same time, I just couldn't help but fear that something terrible might happen again. Of course, the car accident on the drive up wasn't great but at least nobody was physically hurt. Not only that, but the thought of turning 20 was terrifying to me. I'm still terrified by it. Teenagerhood is just such a huge part of life, it's such a time of change and experience, that it felt weird leaving it behind and having to admit that I am officially, undoubtedly an adult now. There's no turning back. I'm stuck here and it's just going to continue getting worse and worse from here on out. Nothing made me realize this more than my actual birthday, though. I woke up way too early only to end up going back to sleep and being woken up by his mother (the both of us). We all had plans, important things we needed to take care of. I didn't have the luxury of laying around in my pajamas watching TV all day. Yep, gone are the days of celebrating by doing nothing. Instead, I spent the day doing perhaps the most adult thing ever: househunting. And that's when things really started to hit me. My boyfriend and I drove around in his car with my parents and his mom and my grandma all in her car either following or leading us. It was kind of tedious but more than that, it was terrifying. It wasn't until we were driving around looking at these places that I realized the reality of the situation. I was 20 years old, in a serious relationship, and preparing to get my associate's degree and move out of my parent's house and into an apartment with my boyfriend where I'd be attending a university for an even bigger degree. The reality of that was absolutely horrifying to me not because I don't want that because I do-- believe me, I do-- but more because I don't think I quite realized how grown-up I was becoming before. Now all of a sudden I'm an adult-- really, truly, officially an adult and I have all these adult plans and responsibilities. I just feel like everything came up so quickly and I almost don't know if I'm ready for it all yet. I'm scared. Of course, this didn't help my stomach issues and left me feeling even sicker by the time dinner rolled around. My grandma was getting crabby looking at houses-- she doesn't want me to leave and was making it very difficult to think critically about things considering she was convinced the first place we looked at, some shitty place in the ghetto where someone got shot on the next street over, was the best possible place for us and then even said "I think she should just stay home and finish her four year degree at the college she's at now" to which my dad apparently nearly jumped on her and very frustratedly said "THEY DON'T OFFER WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO HERE" which is very true. They went back to their hotel afterwards but my boyfriend, his mom, and I drove around a bit more afterwards to check out a few other places on our own. Afterwards, we went back to his place to chill for a little bit before leaving for my birthday dinner. I was originally excited because I had made plans to have dinner at one of my favorite Asian restaurants in the area, a super casual place with really great food, but I was honestly so shaken up/panicky that I could barely eat and decided to scrap my plans of having Fat Boy ice cream sandwiches instead of birthday cake afterward. I honestly felt disappointed in myself for feeling the way I did and deciding to call off the celebration like that but at the same time, I knew I wasn't feeling great and that if I pushed my feelings aside and just powered through, I knew I'd get sick which would just completely ruin my birthday. I don't think I've ever vomitted on my birthday and I really hope I never do. Things like that happening on holidays just make me so outraeously nervous, and I know if it ever did happen I'd be traumatized and terrified for every year thereafter that it would happen again (I think it's important to note that I am highly emetophobic). It made me feel even worse considering my cousin and his wife, whose wedding I attended in February, drove down from their nearby town to join us for dinner and such afterwards. This would be the third time we've all been together for some meal-inclusive event, two of which I have ended up feeling sick and panicky like this during (the other being their wedding reception). They insisted on getting these cookies from this place nearby considering the ice cream sandwiches weren't going to happen but I didn't eat any of those, either. After dinner, they followed my parents and grandma back to their hotel in the middle of nowhere (which was honestly really eerie and I hated going there) which my boyfriend and his mother and I went to after stopping at the grocery store to pick up some lottery tickets she insisted I fill out and get for my birthday. Once we got to my parents' hotel, we sat around talking and I opened my presents from my grandma, my boyfriend, and his mother-- my cousin and his wife didn't get me anything and I opened the stuff from my parents the night before we left. After my cousin and his wife left, we stuck around for a little while longer where the conversation took a very discomforting turn. Somehow we got on the subject of deadly injuries to which my dad outlined in great detail his major accident back in the 1980s when he nearly lost his arm in a printing press. I've heard the story before but he went into great detail with the help of my grandmother about all the disgusting things I really didn't want to hear about on my birthday with an already queasy stomach. We left shortly after to go back to my boyfriend's place where we sat up and watched about five episodes of Rick and Morty together (neither of us had ever watched it before but decided to give it a shot, after my boyfriend convinced me through it's parody-ness of Back to the Future) before heading to bed which I started feeling a little better after but still not great. I hated waking up Sunday morning knowing I would have to leave that day and my stomach still wasn't feeling great when I first woke up, but after a while I started to come around a little bit. My parents and grandma had already eaten breakfast at their hotel and after checking out, drove around town a bit looking at some of the other places they didn't get to see yesterday and reconsidering some of the places they did see. By the time my boyfriend and I woke up and got ready, it was nearly noon and we hadn't eaten anything yet that day so we met up with my family at a local McDonalds to get something to eat and then met up back at my boyfriend's place to start packing our stuff into the car and get ready to head out. I hated leaving but I knew I had no choice. My boyfriend had to be into work at 2pm anyways so we left right before he had to leave, anyways. I didn't cry this time but I was definitely still extremely sad to say goodbye to him. All I really wanted to do was just stay in bed all day with him and try and nurse my stomach back to health but I knew that wasn't possible. He had work that afternoon and I had class the next day. So long as I was leaving, though, once I was in the car I wanted nothing more than to be home as soon as possible. I was cramped in the backseat yet again and this time my grandma was even crabbier than she had been before (even though she had honestly been crabby all weekend between the apartment issue, the university comment, and some other things: we were looking at this one place and she said some snarky remark to me about "You've got champagne taste but a beer wallet" insinuating that just because I had a limited budget to spend on housing that I had to live somewhere crappy or something [I just about jumped on her when she said that honestly]; at the hotel after opening my presents, I kept begging everyone to please stop talking about the gross shit because I was already nauseous and was starting to feel even sicker, to which my grandma said I needed to be stronger and started going off on this morality rant about how even though we've all been through shit, just proves we need to be stronger or something; that last one ties into something she said on the car ride home. She was commenting on my nervous stomach issues again (and my anxiety) and told me that if I didn't get over it, I'd never get to my mom's age or something as if she was insinuating that I'd die if I kept this stuff up. As if that is supposed to calm my anxiety. I nearly jumped on her then, too, and both my mom and my boyfriend's could see I was pissed but I held my tongue, took a shot of my water, and just folded my arms across my chest and leaned back in my seat. If anything, I felt bad for my boyfriend's mother-- she had never really experienced my grandmother's ultimate bitchiness firsthand before but now she knows what we have to put up with-- she was telling me how the woman was just complaining about every little thing the entire time we were driving around looking at places to rent.). The drive home felt even longer than ever, though, which didn't help. We stopped at the halfway point to get an early dinner at one of my dad's favorite Irish pubs, to which I ordered some great mac-n-cheese and ate quite a bit of it (more than I ever had before, truthfully) but even after getting some of my appetite back then, I still felt icky on the ride home. I was so terrified that the dinner wasn't going to agree with my stomach and I'd get sick or something. I think the fact we were in my grandma's car didn't help since it has a very distinct and very disgusting new car smell that was a trademark of any car my late grandpop owned considering he was a mechanic and took pride in his car. I vomited in his car once when I was really little and ever since, that smell has always made me nauseated. I definitely think that was a factor in my nervousness this past weekend, as well. But anyways, I kept trying to nap on the drive home but was never really all that successful. There was one brief period where my mom and I both fell asleep, which my boyfriend's mother got a picture of and sent to my boyfriend, but other than that, every other attempt was pretty futile. By the time we got home, the sun was just setting and everyone filed out back to their own living spaces pretty quickly. My grandma and boyfriend's mother said goodbye and went back home and my parents and I filed back into our rooms to unpack and get some sleep. Unfortunately, because of me, they got less sleep than they should've. Knowing I was starting my summer classes the next day, I logged onto my school account to make sure everything was squared away and prepared for the upcoming week of classes. However, when I got onto Canvas, the class that was supposed to start tonight was never published. In fact, it had completely disappeared as if it had never been there in the first place. I seriously panicked, my first instinct being "oh my god it was cancelled." I checked my student email and sure enough, there was a message in there from Thursday night saying the class had been cancelled due to low enrollment. Needless to say, I fucking panicked. I lost my shit. I had spent such time meticulously trying to plan out my schedule and make everything work, make all the classes fit together like perfect puzzle pieces, and then the school goes and pulls this shit. There was no way I'd be able to slide with only three classes, either. I needed those credits. I basically barged into my parents room and woke them up screaming crying, having a total panic attack. I was at a loss. I had no idea what the fuck to do. So much was weighing on this semester that any fuck up whatsoever could cost me so much and affect not only myself but my boyfriend, too. There was way too much at stake. My mom and dad ended up coming into my room to try and figure what was going on and what had happened, and how to fix it, when I tearfully checked the course catalog and found a Spanish class that was at the same time on the same days for the same period of time as the other class I was registered for. I didn't really want to take a Spanish class after having already fulfiled the foreign language requirement for my degree in high school (I took three years of Spanish freshman through junior year) but it was the only thing that would work. Now my big concern was whether it would fulfill the elective credits I still needed. I figured it would since I couldn't imagine it fitting in anywhere else but at the same time, I wasn't entirely sure of anything anymore and was honestly very skeptical. Signing up for this class when I did, however, meant I had to prepare for the class in less than 24 hours which was definitely way more stressful than I needed. I paid for the class as soon as possible and spent the entire day running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get shit straightened out. I had to fix my schedule page in my binder, get all my notebooks for all my classes which I didn't have time to do last week, print out the original receipt for the books I ordered, pick up the books I ordered from the campus bookstore, get a refund on the one for the class I was signed up for and purchase the book for the Spanish course instead, and then actually go to the Spanish class on top of some personal shit like washing my sheets, washing myself, and picking up the dog from the kennel he was staying in over the weekend. By the time everything was finished and I had checked out all the books I needed, I had fifteen minutes to get to class. I made it there in time, thank god, but apparently my teacher did not. She showed up about ten minutes late which sent me in a panic because there were signs on the door about cancelled Spanish classes and I was honestly so freaking terrified that one of them was for mine. I didn't have the strength to go through that again. The only reassuring thing was the fact that there were other people from my class standing outside waiting for the teacher, as well. I felt nothing short of relief when she finally did show up, and then struggled through the entire rest of the class with how dreadfully bored I was. The thing I never quite realized/expected fully was the reality of taking a class about material you already know, though. It was weird because all of this stuff was so familiar to me and yet at the same time, it's been three years since I've taken a Spanish class, just about, and I realized that there were a lot of things I had forgotten, too. I never really kept up with it after school so my retention slowly declined. Or maybe it was just that I was incredibly tired and sore all over from god only knows what and was fighting sleep the entire time. Probably a little of both, to be honest. Either way, the entire day was a fucking whirlwind and now I know i have to go back tomorow even earlier and do the class thing all over again. It's terrible, honestly, though. First day in and I'm already dead tired and wanting to quit. A part of me deep down just wants to quit, to give up, but I know I can't. I feel strange and uncomfortable taking summer classes, knowing all the public school kids will be out for summer in a week or so meanwhile I'll be stuck in classrooms doing schoolwork until August. It almost feels like some parallel dimension or vivid fever dream where nothing is quite right and everything feels nauseatingly uncomfortable. In a way, I almost somehow feel like I'm back in high school again. That's really weird and makes absolutely no sense but it's true. I feel weird and uncomfortable and unnerved and I know deep down it's not just about the summer classes. It's about everything. There's so many changes going on these days and everything is happening so quickly, I don't quite know how to handle all of it, to tell you the truth. Everyone is leaving, including myself, and it feels like everything I've known and held familiar is slipping through my fingers. Before long, my room will be empty and I'll be living 300 miles away from my parents, a totally independent adult. Nothing will ever be the same again and that's terrifying. Everything is just happening so fast. I know I keep saying that-- at this point I feel like I need a Ferris Bueller cameo-- but it's true. Everything is moving so fucking fast.
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bstackoflife · 6 years
Text
Sucker for you
Let’s start from the very beginning. I was persuaded to download the app “coffee meets bagel” by my cousin. Met a few douche bags on the way and met some pretty cool people I now call my friends. But there were three guys that stood out; all with bad and good experiences.
There was Gavin, the eager beaver; was totally in it and ready to call him mine. I guess with Gavin, he freaked me out a little. I was still new to this dating thing and I’ve always been use to being by myself and taking care of just me; pretty much just an independent person. So when a person were to compliment me, I’d freak out? Or just laugh it off. And on a regular basis he would do that. It felt nice but not what I was use to. So couple weeks down, I grew further apart from him. I didn’t want to get into anything deep in hopes I would maybe get feelings for him. It was unfair so I stopped talking to him. Might’ve been a good thing Gavin and I had going but I didn’t feel the cliche butterflies in the stomach thing, even after all the flirty signals he sent my way. I just didn’t feel it. I’m sorry Gavin, I wish I did.
The Jr. doctor; Daniel. Good ol’ empty headed Daniel. We’ve been talking for maybe almost two weeks? And it was on and off with that guy, he would leave the biggest gaps in our conversations so I pretty much wasn’t overly excited to talk to him. Pretty much just talked to pass time and have a friend. It was Australia day, I was bored and when he asked if we could meet up, I said yes. Little did I know how the night would end. First, he was late and one of the most hated thing is a person being late. Don’t just assume that I’ll be late too. Don’t even think that your time is more valuable than mine, because hey, it isn’t. So he was late, when he jumped into my car I realised I practically drove all the way to his house. So that was another brownie point gone into the bin. Obviously, we’re both in the medical field so we had a really good talk on the way to the beach, it was an awesome flow of laughter and talk. Once we got there we walked up and down the beach and reached a stop, we sat down and just chilled. He was already being touchy and feely which freaked me out a little just because I didn’t know him at all and it was the first time meeting this hooman. He tried to hold my hand but I moved my own hand to hold my own head up, lol. He would rub my back down to my hips which made me feel heaps weird. He then goes to say, “I would kiss you but I don’t want to risk getting sick”. Um dude it’s fine? I didn’t want a kiss anyway. Could you not feel that I was uncomfortable and wanted to get out of there? Anyway, we both decided to head home; while walking to my car he decided to just casually touch my butt... and said “so you said you squat?” Um, haaaaaaa?????????? I was trying so hard to keep calm. I calmly replied with ha ha ha... yeah. And um ha, never mentioned anything to you about me and squats. So keep your dick in your pants before I cut it off. Lol, jokessszss. I should’ve said that and left him at the beach to find his own way home. But I couldn’t finish off the night with me not being the bigger douche. I drove him home and dropped him off. Sayonara leh douche potato. A week later, not hearing from him he decides to meet up again. HAHAAJAJAJAJJDSNKGFD ARE YOU THAT OBLIVIOUS NIGGA????????? Anyway, made up a lame excuse about me being busy before my Japan trip and left it at there. Sigh. What was he thinking? Idiot
And then there was him; Billy.
I think I was talking to him maybe a week-ish before Australia day? He was nice to talk to but he would become so boring and cold so I ignored his text that you couldn’t really reply to. I deleted the app right after meeting Daniel because in all honestly, it was way too much for me and I didn’t want to meet another d-bag. But luckily, Richard and Jules persuaded me to keep going and not let one bad experience ruin everything. So I decided to download it again two days after Australia day and to my surprise, I received a message from Billy. We talked for another week, and again, boring- literally felt like I was talking to a piece of paper. So again, stopped talking. So the night before my Japan trip he decides to message me again. And he actually remembered... when I was leaving and a rough time frame on when I was coming back. The thing with Billy, he likes leaving me alone while I do things and he would tell me he’ll talk to me later if he’s busy. So the usual, he left me to head back home from work and asked for a meet up in three weeks after my trip. So I was doing some last minute packing and uploaded the boomerang of me packing and to my surprise Billy messaged me. We talked for a bit and I needed to go shower, told him I’d be right back and he didn’t message me so I thought meh, no point telling him I’m back. And out of the blue! “That’s a really long shower”. HA what?! You are one weird hooman Billy Truong. Anyway, skip next day, I was heading head to the airport and he would randomly text me whether or not I made it to the airport on time. And from then and there, that’s when we started to talk almost every single day. When we were getting ready for take off it was like talking to a person I’ve known for a while, actually made me feel weird inside and the gross gooey feeling. 
So when I landed in Japan it was midnight in Sydney and I texted him that I landed. He was up and he kept my company through my train ride into the city. But as much as we wanted to talk he kept telling me to enjoy my holiday. 
So throughout my first two nights we were still texting each other until he told me he would only talk to me on my down time and to message me when ever I’m free no matter what time it was. Because he wanted me to enjoy my holiday and spend time with my cousins. Omg, okaaaayyyyy, lollllllllll. I caught something really bad for me; feelings... 
Initially, I was a bit sad because I kept thinking, “why the fuck hasn’t he messaged me at all????” and that just made me annoyed because I just didn’t know what he was thinking and didn’t really know whether or not he was serious about me talking to him only when I’m free. So obviously I would over think the situation. So after two days not talking he would see an instagram story of some dumplings; FYI, he loves dumpling and I gave him the pet name ‘dumpling’. He started a conversation with ‘mmm dumpling’. YAY hehehe, I feel kiligs. We talked for the first two weeks of my holiday and the conversations we had? We were already making plans to see each other when I got back. We were going to watch ‘altered carbon’. But when I became a little emotional because of my period we stopped talking for one week after my stupid pmsing. When I said good night -sad face- and he asked me why the sad face and I was up front honest. It was hard talking to him because the times I was truly free was always midnight or 0100hr in Sydney and our conversation weren’t long anymore. And you know what he replied to that? A ‘Lol’. OMFG. I WANTED TO SHOOT HIS HEAD OFF. So obviously, I ignored and he ignored it for one fucking week. I had to tell myself I need to cut these feelings I have for this guy. I didn’t want to get in too deep and it was still early. So I managed to be okay with it for the remaining week of Japan. Skip, I’m back to Sydney and I upload something on instagram and he immediately text me. No................................ these feelings are back. 
From then we’ve almost spoke to each other every single day. Until I had to meet him. I had to know how we were in real life. Because I didn’t want to waste more time talking to this guy if he were different once I met him. Initially it was Yes! totally let’s meet up but never got to really organise it because we were so busy talking to each other about other things. Once it got to the Thursday before the Saturday we had to meet, I brought up the date again and initially, he didn’t seem so interested so he put me off wanting to see him. I was nervous but with his attitude I wanted to sack the guy and not even bother with him but a lot of my friends just said to meet up with him and see how things go. 
So skip to Saturday. I was nervous as hell but tried so hard to ignore it and hide it. We went for brunch and it was good. We decide to go long jetty. It was nice having him next to me while I drove. Oh, the reason I drove is because I volunteered to drive because I wanted to go for a cruise. He actually told me he usually doesn’t let people drive because he gets anxious especially when it’s long distance. And he also said it was nice being passenger for once. So that made my insides smile a little. It was a nice chill at the jetty and when we were driving he would always lean towards me especially when I sigh at the traffic lights he would always ask me ‘what’s wrongggggg’. Obviously nothing, because he was right next to me and it was the best feeling in the world. 
I would catch him looking at me and there was this one time he was like, ‘oh crap, caught staring’ Daw, what a cutie. But I kept quiet and smiled. He was already making plans with me when we were talking saying he’ll take me places and to silly music festivals. It was good to hear that because he was showing me he wants to stick around for a little. During the car ride home I was getting tired and he knew and said sorry he couldn’t drive manual but it was fine, it was my idea :) Thank you for offering though! I said I couldn’t wait for a nap when we got home. 
Okay, we’re at my house now. I asked whether or not he wanted to come in or go to plans for the night and he said, ‘If you want, it’s your house...’ and of course I invited him in; I was scared because Mum and Dad were home and Richard came home soon after. So I introduced him to my parents and it was so awkward so I told him to wait in my room and a closed the door with us both in there. I was transparent. He knew I was stressing out so he just sat on my bed. I wasn’t sure why I went out my room but when I went downstairs mum whispered to me to sleep downstairs because Dad would be so angry. So when I got back into my room he knew right away we had to go downstairs. He teased me saying I’m in trouble and when he leaves my parents would be mad. I was so gratefully he understood where I was standing and he respected it. He told me to not worry so much, when Mum and Dad see him more in a couple of months it’ll be better. So I took my blanket down and we sat on the couch watching Altered Carbon. He knew I liked clean clothes when someone goes on my bed and he kept teasing me about me wanting to change my linen when he leaves. Gah, why is he making me feel this way. So I tried to fall asleep but I couldn’t my heart rate was over the moon. We slowly got a little more comfortable. Initially we only started with our heads touching. Even though I was snuggled up we barely touched because I had a pillow between us. So I pretended to sleep and there was this one time he looked up to see me and chuckled to see that I was ‘sleeping’. He would occasionally see if I were sleeping and tease me if I were falling asleep or not and he would always make sure there was a clear view for me of the television. I sat up a couple of times because it got too hot. And when he asked me why I was sitting up and told me to lay down I wrapped my arms around his and snuggled up right again him. He rubbed my fingers a couple of times and said ‘poor thing’ because he knew I was tired. Dude, you literally have me wrapped in your fingers. He would occasionally rub my knee over the blanket and omg it was the best feeling. He stayed till 2000hrs said bye to Mum and Dad and gave me a big hug and said he’ll text me later. WHICH he did :) but not too sure why but we haven’t been talking much. But anyway, yesterday he was giving me crappy answers so I didn’t talk to him throughout the day until last night. I decided start the conversation with ‘Hi cutieee’ and the idiot replies with ‘lol, slow down tiger -inserts tiger emoji’ what the actual fuck? You can say allllll that shit about giving parents time and give him a couple of months of appearing in my house and all shitty mojo but when I say ‘hi cutieee’ I’m going toooo fast for you? WHAT THE AGHKAJFDHG;ADFGHAFLAKJFDGDHHGFDAAJKHG;JGKJHHJVC;KJHJHFF. Can you please elaborate? I don’t understand you. And he was being a cold jerk again so when he said he was about to go to sleep. I gave him a mmmkay good night then reply. AND HIM? ‘NIGHT’
How dare you. You ass! :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
I honestly don’t know what the hell is going on. I’m just going to give him space and just wait for him to be ready to talk. Because at the moment. I don’t even want to hear from him. Sort of.... well of course I do. But if you’re going to be a jerk to me. I rather not. Ass. Please say something :( you can’t say all these things and just leave it like that. There is something between us and we both know it. 
Please don’t let me second guess all this and find what we’re not having somewhere else. Because we’re just ‘seeing each other’
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