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turnpage · 3 years

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❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜  ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness. ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives? ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control. ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly. ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope — It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together. ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase. ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord. ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you. ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory. ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are. ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences. ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise. ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table? ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place? ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable. ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you. ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner. ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away. ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

#sentence starters #generate sentence prompts #rp meme #roleplay prompt #roleplay meme #prompt for writing #rp prompt #send emoji meme #long tw

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bl00dgutsgl0ry · 3 years

Text

Rivalry Put To Rest

Pairing - Zhongli x Fem!Reader

Warnings - Arranged marriages (non of that under age like child marriages though fuck that yuck, these are obviously of age adults i just really wanna make that clear jesus), praise kink, modern AU, just lovely soft sex with my favorite man :'^).

Word Count - 2.4k

Other Comments - Dude it’s been so long since ive actually written anything im so sorry. But i couldn't resist writing this. I know i promised xiao but he will come in time. This is a little bit of a slow burn, or at least the sex doesnt start right away lol i want this to be nice and soft. P.s. youre on birth control so dont worry about no condom lol.

You did not like this idea. Why your parents were still forcing you into this was beyond you seeing as how you were a fully grown ass adult. You just couldn’t stomach the disappointment you would be seen as in their eyes. You were the daughter to the CEO of one of the most well known Law Firms in Teyvat. Zhongli was the son of another CEO who controlled your Rival company. Yours's and his parents wanted to finally settle the bad blood between the firms by having the two of you get married. You knew damn well the benefits of doing this was, god forbid if your Fathers firm went underwater, you would still be secure with Zhongli as your husband.

It’s not that you didn’t like Zhongli, and he certainly was not ugly; you just couldn’t stand your freedom to choose who you really wanted to marry being ripped from you. It was non negotiable though, so you had to go through with it. Zhongli didn’t seem to mind at all, he thoroughly enjoyed his very brief moments he had with you before, and was frankly excited to get more of those moments. He just hoped you didn’t resent him or blame him for this.

You both of course had an extravagant wedding, why would you not when your family was one of the wealthiest in Teyvat. You were grateful to your parents for letting you invite a few of your friends, and it seemed Zhongli had done the same. There was almost like a crowd formed around you two at the after party, you talking to your friends, and him with his. Zhongli had offered you his arm to hold onto, but you politely declined, feeling that even just holding his arm was too intimate for you.

“Already trouble in paradise for the two lovebirds?” One of Zhongli’s friends had chuckled, a red head with a stupidly smug smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as you shot a look at him. Your friend Ningguang frowned, turning to look at your now husband.

“Control your dog, Mr. Zhongli.” You let out a chuckle, when you heard Zhongli’s friend scoff.

After a while, it was customary for the newlyweds to go on their honeymoon; so after a couple of hours you had to bid farewell to your friends and family. You approached the jet the two of you would be taking, with Zhongli carrying the luggage not far behind. You went ahead and boarded, while your new husband spoke with the pilot and the crew, sighing to yourself.

“Come on (y/n) suck it up, this honeymoon will be over sooner than you know it.” You mumbled to yourself, settling into the high class jet.

“Did you say something (y/n)?” You jumped, not expecting to hear Zhongli’s voice. “Ah.. My apologies, I did not mean to startle you.” You sighed and shook your head, waiving your hand to dismiss the apology.

“You’re fine Zhongli, I’m just… Nervous is all.” He hummed in response, nodding as he settled himself into the jet.

“I understand (y/n), I really do apologize about this being thrusted into your lap. I know this isn’t the ideal circumstances for a young woman to go through.” You nodded, glad that he understood your hesitance to the situation. Zhongli really wasn’t a bad guy.

“It’s really not your fault Zhongli, I understand you probably had no more say in it than I.” You gave him a reassuring smile, the first genuine smile to grace his line of sight. Without noticing he found himself smiling back, relieved that you didn’t see him with any contempt. A comfortable silence settled, as the jet took off towards your destination.

It wasn’t a long flight, and along the way you were able to make small talk, slowly learning more about Zhongli. After two short hours, you felt the jet jump slightly against the ground before steadying itself on the runway. After a few more moments, you both departed, Zhongli once again handling the luggage, leaving your side to retrieve it.

Before you knew it, you were at the house you would be staying at for your honeymoon. It sat on a beautiful beach side shore, with a large open patio looking out over the ocean. By the time you guys had arrived it was already around 10:00 o’clock at night, so the crescent moon was high in the sky as you both stepped out onto the patio. The moon and stars gleamed against the inky black water, with the rhythmic beating of the waves lulling you both into a comfortable silence. You stood next to your husband and finally for the first time that night, actually took in his face.

The light of the scenery exposed the beauty Zhongli held in his face, the pale light bouncing off his cheekbones and illuminating his golden irises as he looked out over the sea. He must’ve felt you staring because moments later those golden eyes were locked on yours.

“Do you like the scenery (y/n)?” You gave a quick nod before ducking away from his gaze, a red flush rising to your face. You heard him chuckle for a moment before shifting.

“I know what is customary to happen on our honeymoon, and I do not want you to feel pressured to fulfill that part of our relationship.” You flushed even more as you suddenly found the pattern of the wood to be very interesting. You had completely forgot that sex was usually something people did on honeymoons. It seemed normal, because generally the people who get married have had a relationship before this so nothing felt awkward about the topic. Obviously that wasn't the case in this situation, but there was something in you that kind of wanted to. Something in you that felt comfortable enough with him to do it, you already trusted him which shocked you. What if he wasn’t though? What if he was uncomfortable with the thought of having sex with you right now which is why he brought it up so suddenly?

“Thank you Zhongli, you’re too kind. You’ve truly been so understanding through this entire thing.” You looked back up to him finally, and found a gentle smile on his face. He nodded and hummed before turning back to the house.

“We should probably get to bed, it’s already fairly late.” You nodded, pulling out your phone to check the time. You both walked about into the house together. “There is another room down the hall from the master bedroom if you don’t want to sleep in the same bed. It’s smaller so I could always take it.” There he goes, being considerate and kind; handling your thoughts and feelings like glass that would break any second. You remained silent for a moment contemplating on what he had said, before gently shaking your head.

“No, no, it’s fine. I want to share the bed with you.” You smiled up at him, and he looked almost surprised with your willingness, but the shock didn’t last for long before he smiled back at you and nodded; offering you his arm to hold on to, which you shakily took. You both reached the bedroom, where he had placed all of your guy's luggage before letting you go to retrieve your sleeping clothes as he did the same. You went into the bathroom, to give yourself and him some privacy before slowly re-entering. Zhongli was in a pair of brown silk pants with golden accents and a black short sleeve shirt. Your eyes met each other, and Zhongli smiled when he saw you.

“I know that these were unideal circumstances to get married, but I’m happy it is you who is my spouse. I can only hope you think the same of me, and that at some point you can genuinely feel connected to me.” You blushed as he said this, genuinely taken aback by the sincerity in his voice. You feel bad for dreading and almost resenting Zhongli when you were first notified about the engagement, once finding out just how compassionate and caring the man before you was. Slowly, the two of you made your way into the large king sized bed. There was a large gap between the two of you, large enough to comfortably fit another person. Your mind raced a mile a minute trying to decide whether or not you should scoot in a little closer to the man next to you.

And so you did, without taking another moment to think about it you shifted closer to Zhongli until your side gently pressed against his. You felt Zhongli stiffen beside you for a brief moment, and for a split second you regretted scooting in; that was until you felt him roll over onto his side and wrap a strong arm around your torso. You could really take in Zhongli’s scent like this and you noticed that he smelled like amber rum, chestnuts, and a hint of vanilla. It wrapped you in a warmth that lulled you into a comforting silence as the two of you laid together like this.

You rolled onto your side, letting Zhongli’s arm now rest against your waist. Your noses were almost touching as the two of you stared into each other's eyes. You saw his eyes dart down to your lips for the briefest of seconds, letting yourself do the same.

“Zhongli…” Your voice was barely above a whisper. “Can I kiss you?” You saw Zhongli’s eyes widen as his gorgeous eyes met yours, not expecting you to ask him that.

“I would love nothing more… Darling.” You flushed at the mild pet name, before softly placing your lips onto his. It felt as time skidded to a halt, as the two of you moved against each other with the grace of a slow dance. Soon enough it became heated, as you changed positions and straddled his hips. You could feel his boner pressing against you through his pants, and it made warmth bloom in your chest.

“You really want to do this right? You don’t feel pressured my dear?” You smiled at Zhongli’s questions, nodding before he could get another one out. It felt good to be so concerned about, so doted over.

“Yes Zhongli, I really want to do this with you. I trust you.” This time it was Zhongli’s turn to flush, an elegant smile gracing his lips. Before long, the both of you were out of your sleeping clothes and back on top of one another. Your back was to the silken bed sheets, as Zhongli was on top of you lining his hard cock up with your eager pussy. Zhongli gave you one last look before slowly entering you inch by inch. To say he was huge would be an understatement, so he knew he had to take it slow with you so as to not hurt you in any way. Zhongli needed this to be a good experience with you, he would never forgive himself if he hurt you or made this unenjoyable in any way at all.

The noises you were making and the way your hands were clawing at his back reassured him that he was doing everything right so far, always stopping after pushing in a few inches to give you time to adjust. Without thinking, Zhongli's mouth just started moving as words spilled out.

“You’re doing so good for me my angel, you’re taking me so well. You’re too good for me.” With the praise spilling out of Zhongli’s mouth, you couldn’t help but unleash a flurry of loud moans, as he bottomed out. He stood still for a couple moments, making sure you were nice and comfortable, until he felt you trying to move against him; trying to get him to move in and out of you.

“If you were ready for me to move, all you needed to do was ask my gem.” You let out a whine like moan, that evolved into a guttural groan when he finally started to thrust in and out of you. Your nails raked across his skin, surely leaving marks for you to admire after this was all said and done. He wasn’t skipping out on the marks either, as he sucked and bit at your skin, still throwing out praise every time his mouth left your skin. His fingers dug into your hips, as he sped up. He just couldn’t help himself, your wet quivering pussy just felt way too good wrapped around him; sucking him in every time he pulled out.

“I can’t believe it took us getting into an arranged marriage to finally meet, my god where have you been all my life.” Zhongli had begun to groan, obviously getting close to tipping over the edge, with the way his thrusts continued to get sloppier every so often. You moaned in response, too blissed out of your mind to form actual words. Zhongli’s head fell against your shoulder, his ebony black hair hanging off his shoulders.

With a few more strokes, Zhongli had both of you tumbling over the edge and cumming in unison. All that could be heard in your room was the quiet crashing of waves and the combined panting of the both of you. After a few moments of Zhongli getting his breath back he tumbled down next to you, sweaty shoulders touching. A couple seconds of silence passed before you spoke up in a raspy broken voice.

“It took us so long because I’m technically your rival.” You were giggling slightly, when Zhongli let out a loud chuckle.

“I guess you are right my dear, but now we are joined together. And I cannot wait to see what comes of our joining.”

#genshin #genshin impact #genshin smut #genshin impact smut #genshin zhongli #genshin impact zhongli #zhongli #genshin imagine #genshin impact imagine #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #zhongli imagine #zhongli x reader #zhongli smut

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nnightskiess · 3 years

Text

𝐳𝐨𝐲𝐚 𝐧𝐚𝐳𝐲𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞

₊° - 𝐳𝐨𝐲𝐚 𝐧𝐚𝐳𝐲𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

₊° - 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: y/n isn't too keen on letting zoya go on her journey through the fold and arrives at the encampment late at night to ease her worries.

please do not copy, republish, translate or reproduce this imagine on wattpad or on other platforms. respect the author's work <3

when word got round in the little palace that a spot for a grisha healer in the second army opened up for the supply run through the fold, y/n wasted no time and offered to go. they had applauded her for her willingness and bravery, but all y/n could think about was seeing that one gorgeous sqauller again, who quite literally blew her away the moment they first met.

zoya nazyalensky's striking blue eyes had captivated y/n the moment they locked with hers and hadn't it been for the squaller looking away, y/n was sure she'd still be lost in them. y/n deemed zoya to be one of the prettiest girls in os olta and the little palace combined, but her beauty was not the only thing about her that had made y/n unable to get the girl out of her head.

zoya was a squaller, a grisha able to manipulate the wind and air, but zoya also possessed a big fire in her belly, one that was almost always quite present. it helped her to the top, but was also one of the qualities that had a tendency to make her intimidating or feared. y/n however, looked right through it and never stepped back whenever zoya would raise her voice or squint her eyes just long enough for other grisha to leave her alone. and exactly that had caught zoya's attention.

training was going terrible, the new squallers seemed to lack the confidence and passion that was needed for combat training. botkin had been so frustrated that he let some of the older grisha take the task and train them. y/n had watched from the sides as zoya visibly grew more annoyed at the youngsters and bit her lip when that same frustration finally caught up with her,

"enough! come back when you're worthy of wearing that kefta or don't show your face again!" she sent a large gush of air their way, making everyone's kefta's blow up in the wind before she turned around, letting out a quick breath through her nose.

y/n approached, a tiny smirk on her face. she'd waited to the sides to see how long it would take to crack the girl's patience. zoya wasn't a quitter, but her tough love seemed to worsen the children's performances even more.

zoya felt a presence behind her and turned around with a sneer as she sent another wave of wind behind her.

"i said-"

y/n was sent against the wall before she landed on the earth with a thud.

zoya tried to hide her initial surprise and gave the girl a once over, tilted her chin and crossed her arms, "what do you want?" she wasn't in the mood to apologize and kept her arms crossed, not even bothering to help the girl up.

y/n dusted her kefta off and tried to delay her reply, which she knew was frustrating zoya even more. y/n finally looked up, a cheeky smile on her face as she spoke,

"you could be sent away for that... we aren't allowed to use our powers here, did you forget?"

"look around- do you see anyone here?"

zoya was right- most boys and girls had silently left the training facility after zoya's outburst and botkin was probably downing a glass of kvas to drink away his frustrations of the day.

"because you scared them all away."

zoya put her nose up in disdain and turned back around- she didn't have time for this cocky know-it-all girl. she rolled her eyes as y/n followed her around the courtyard, getting slightly annoyed,

"i'm not sure if you have it in you, but maybe next time try and ease up on the tough love? be kind for a chance?"

"it's not what works best. do you think they'll be coddled when they're part of the second army? you healers are too sensitive. you should consider changing that or this world is going to eat you up."

"too sensitive?" y/n tried to hide the hurt in her voice and shook it off, "you don't know the injuries i've had to heal, the pain and gore i've seen. you should consider changing your mind on healers. without us, we'd be off way worse."

zoya had been annoyed at y/n's challenging rebuttal at first, but would later realise it wasn't out of lack of respect that y/n didn't seem to falter under her hard glares, it was because of the intrigue and adoration she held for her. if she backed down like all the others, she would never get a chance to break down zoya's walls.

eyerolls out of annoyance faded into playful eyerolls and zoya quickly realised that y/n would be one of those people her superiors had told her about all those years ago when she was first brought to the little palace. in order to not succumb to the stress of being a grisha, let alone one in the second army, one needs companions. companions you trust to have your back, companions to share your worries with and companions to help you see the light in difficult situations, even in the dark of the fold. and a loyal companion y/n became.

zoya was less hostile to the healer than she was to anyone else and people soon caught on. to not lose her air of intimidation, she tried to keep her soft smiles to a minimum and playfully pestered y/n whenever she could- even though no one but the two knew it was playful- only to get a joking sneer back in return, which never failed to crack the tiniest grin on the squaller's face.

"why do you look ready to leave?" y/n suddenly appeared in the doorway of zoya's suite. "planning to run away?" she joked but her worries grew as zoya didn't reply.

zoya didn't look up and instead continued to prepare her bag. y/n noticed that she was wearing the good luck charm she'd given the girl to wear whenever she had to go on a difficult or risky mission. a silent promise to both, if you will, to make sure whatever would happen would turn out alright. y/n's smile faltered,

"where are they sending you off to?"

"kribirsk, i'm going to help sail the skiff for a supply run to ketterdam."

"you're going through the fold?!" y/n took haste steps into the room and stopped right behind zoya, "why haven't i heard about this?! when are you supposed to cross it?!"

zoya let out a sigh and looked up, her hands placed on her hips, "stop it. i'll be fine," she went back to folding her clothes, "you know it's not my first time."

"no, but every time might as well be your last!"

y/n pulled at zoya's arm to make her stop, the squaller immediately glared at her. she hated when y/n became worried, it always intensified the worries she was already feeling herself, even if she would never tell anyone.

"i'll be fine, i promise."

"what happens there isn't really up to you... besides, i just don't like sitting here and waiting in agony for a word from you telling me you survived."

zoya finally gave in, she couldn't hold up her front any longer as she looked into y/n's worried eyes. she let out a deep sigh and rubbed her forehead before her hands dropped to her neck. she grabbed the talisman and held it up, "this'll protect me."

"zoya, it's not some-"

"no. it will. you said it would. i trust you. now, will you trust me? i'll be back before you know it." zoya softly stroked y/n's cheek with the back of her finger, something she did when the girl needed reassurance and comfort. "i'll come back, y/n."

the two women stared at each other for a long time, exchanging silent promises. but y/n's sudden movement caught zoya off guard, and before she could realise the girl had softly planted her lips against her own, y/n had already retreated.

"write to me."

zoya nodded absentmindedly, her head still stuck in the moment before.

"-and you better come back in one piece, nazyalensky."

zoya nodded again, this time less distracted, and she pulled y/n back when the girl made a move to walk out before planting a soft kiss on the girl's cheek.

"i will. or else you'll just have to patch me up again."

but zoya's nerves proved to be more difficult to contain now that y/n wasn't around, even if the girl had a tendency to sometimes make them worse with her worries. she knew she had promised to write, but what was she going to write down? how scared she really was? what would that do to calm y/n's nerves- both their nerves? not to mention that the confident squaller had felt insecure ever since their tiny kiss. was she supposed to write a different letter? was y/n expecting her to? or were they still just friends? or would it only upset y/n if she wrote to her like friends would?

so, zoya thought it was best to just not write at all, to spare both their feelings. but y/n, who had been waiting for a letter in the little palace, had gone mad after a few days. she hadn't received a letter noting zoya's arrival, neither had zoya written her one to tell her when the journey to west-ravka would take place. she felt awfully left in the dark, even if she knew the second army had arrived at the encampment through a general at the palace, she needed to hear it from zoya. or had she scared the squaller off? was the girl regretting their moment? had she lost zoya completely now, even as a friend? she needed to know.

the only worries she felt when the horses pulled the carriage over the roads to the encampment, were the worries about zoya, not about the voyage she was going to have to take through the darkness. after all, she'd have zoya by her side, who would undoubtedly try to protect her if needed, who could calm her down with just a look her way, just like how y/n would be there to heal and support if the situation asked for it.

y/n was assigned a tent with the other corporalki, but could care less about settling in for a good night's sleep. she needed to find zoya's tent first. she needed to see her at least once before setting foot on the ship the next morning.

the torches lit up the campsite and created eerie shadows on the surrounding tents, sometimes even forming into a shadow that looked way too similar to the volcra whose screams and cries filled the air now and then. y/n shook it off and walked along.

she finally heard zoya's familiar soft voice behind a tent's fabric to her left and a guy clad in the clothes of a tracker walked out a few seconds later. it slightly confused y/n, but she walked to the entrance of the now pitch black tent nonetheless.

"zoya?" she whispered out softly, still a bit unsure if she'd actually been right about hearing the girl's voice. what if this was someone else's tent?

"anyone here?" she called again, her eyes now slightly adjusting to the lack of light. a shadow moved to her left before she fell to her knees as all the air in her lungs disappeared. someone had her in a headlock.

"zoya! it's me! it's me, y/n!" she coughed and heaved, clawing at her throat for air. she heard the squaller gasp as fresh air filled her lungs once again. a candle was lit a second after, which barely illuminated the tent, but enough for zoya to see her friend on the floor.

"what are you doing here?!" she hissed, her panic replaced by anger almost instantly, anger that stemmed out of worry for the girl. y/n being there could only mean one thing...

"i had to see you." y/n accepted the help of zoya and was put to sit on the girl's bed. "you promised you'd write... why didn't you?"

zoya ignored the question and fired a question of her own the healer's way, "why are you here? i doubt they let you go without a reason."

y/n refused to make eye contact, but zoya refused to give in and forcefully grabbed the girl's chin. y/n expected to see the squaller's eyebrows knitted together in anger or worry, or both, and a sneer on her face, but was instead met with a look she couldn't quite place, one she barely ever saw. if y/n wanted an answer, she would have to answer zoya first.

"they needed a healer."

"on the supply run?"

y/n nodded meekly but kept looking at zoya's features, trying to decipher what she was thinking.

"y/n, you shouldn't have... not after-"

"i know. i know i had to watch my friends get torn apart last time, while i sat there and couldn't help all of them at once, i know- but zoya- if something were to happen to you and i wouldn't be able to at least try and help you out, i would never be able to let it go."

zoya's grasp on y/n's chin loosened until she finally let go and dropped her hands on her lap. but they didn't feel right there so she immediately grabbed onto one of y/n's, giving it a light squeeze.

"you didn't write to me. that usually means you're either worried and don't want to worry me or... well... after, you know... i thought you might've..."

zoya squeezed again, telling the girl she didn't need to talk further, she knew exactly what she meant.

"i know something has shifted between us, but i don't regret it. that wasn't why i didn't write...well, it was." she continued when y/n rose an eyebrow in confusion, "i was afraid you might've regretted it."

"no, i-"

"it doesn't matter, you shouldn't have come." zoya's walls were back up again in a snap of her fingers and she let go and sat up, immediately shielding herself from whatever rejection about to come her way.

"zoya-"

"it's probably best if we both get some rest."

y/n looked to see if zoya was slightly joking but pursed her lips together when she saw the girl's blank face.

"fine." the healer jumped up and stormed out of the tent, throwing the entrance drape shut so harshly that the tiny candle went out, which left zoya by herself in the dark of the night. at least it would let her get used to the dark that was waiting for her on the end of the encampment.

y/n buttoned and unbuttoned her crimson kefta multiple times, a nervous habit of hers, but kept them buttoned when the horn indicated it was time to go. had it been worth it? offering to cross the fold just to talk to zoya? only for her to get the cold shoulder? no. but at least now she was able to protect the girl.

she walked onto the sandskiff along with other grisha and, this time, cartographers, and immediately locked eyes with zoya, who was already stationed at the front. zoya looked regal, standing there, with her chin held high and her hands behind her back, almost as if she owned the sandskiff. to others, she might've looked cocky, but not to y/n.

zoya's eyes inspected everyone who walked onto the ship and thus also landed on y/n's. but, while she'd lightly glared at everyone, her glare softened when she looked at her friend. she dipped her head in acknowledgement. what y/n didn't know, was that while zoya had tried her best to pretend that y/n wouldn't be going on the supply run, seeing her step onto the skiff had broken that fairytale thought and had made her slightly break out an uneasy sweat. y/n's talisman was hidden under her kefta, but zoya could still feel it pressing against her chest. it calmed her down a little, but not enough, certainly not when the ship started moving and y/n was not on the docks staying behind.

screeches and yells of those terrible beasts were the first things to welcome them into the fold before the clear morning sky finally turned black and the air turned cold. the volcra sounded distant though, so as long as they kept quiet and in the dark, there wouldn't be a reason to panic.

zoya glanced y/n's way every now and then. even if there still wasn't trouble in the air, she just needed to reassure herself that the girl was okay. same for y/n- she kept glancing to the front of the skiff to see zoya's eyes illuminate in the blue of the tiny lantern. zoya's eyes never failed to calm her down, but looking into them now brought her even greater comfort. or discomfort...if she thought long enough about what happened last time she crossed the fold.

the wind howled, the wooden skiff creaked and thunder filled the sky. the occasional lightning lit up their surroundings and showed the shipwrecks from previous supply runs, a great reminder to everyone on board that they should count themselves lucky if they survived this crossing.

"marker one...."

"how many more are there?" a cartographer girl dared to ask and y/n closed her eyes, knowing the answer wouldn't satisfy her.

"thirty-seven."

y/n's hands clasped around the sleeves of her kefta as she hugged herself. only twelve more markers and she'd reach the place where it all happened last time.

barely one marker later and the growling and screeching sounds of the approaching volcra made everyone tense up. one volcra made a close appearance, which made everyone either duck or ready their guns. it was eerily silent after that. y/n tried not to look at the frightened faces of everyone else and instead tried to count, but that proved to make her even more nervous after another volcra screeched nearby- they weren't going fast enough.

zoya felt suffocated when the blue lantern, which was meant to be their little safe haven during their crossing, dimmed. however, the real panic set in when it became pitch black and she lost all sight of y/n. the deck suddenly lit up by the orange hue of a lantern one cartographer boy had set alight in panic, which illuminated y/n's pretty face with an orange tint, but zoya was anything but relieved. this wasn't a good thing. at all.

"blow it out! what are you doing?!"

all hell broke loose when the lantern attracted volcra, who were now surrounding the sandskiff, flying over it to wait for the perfect opportunity to catch their prey. if that wasn't bad enough, the lantern had fallen over and a small fire was starting to eat away at the wooden deck, making it even harder for everyone on board to hide. people were being picked up by the creatures and all y/n seemed to be able to do was freeze. last time she'd been running from left to right to try and help aid the people on board, but even when she had prepared herself for this outcome this time, no muscle in her body seemed to want to move. she didn't know what hurt her ears more- the gunshots, the screeching of those terrible monsters or the agonizing yells from the people on deck. one thing stood out through those yells- a pained yelp coming from no other than zoya made her head shoot up to where she thought she'd heard it.

zoya had watched y/n tense up from her side of the ship and was well aware that past memories were probably troubling her mind, making her unable to get to work. all worries or insecurities were thrown out the window once she realised she needed to keep y/n safe. a volcra had dived to pick her up right as she made a move to run to the healer, but a shove from one of the other grisha had saved her life. her shoulder broke the fall and one of her hands met the flames, making her cry out in pain.

this did the trick and burst the healer's bubble. y/n crawled across the deck, trying to stay as low as possible, and gritted her teeth whenever she came too close to the fire and the heat became painful. zoya noticed her approach and tried to move closer too, only to grasp her shoulder in pain.

"ssssh, i'm here, i'm here, let me-" y/n stammered in a panic as she looked at the damage. she gently stroke her fingers over zoya's burns first. zoya threw her head back at the initial pain and incredibly annoying itch that followed, but let out a shaky chuckle out of relief when the pain subdued before eventually fading away.

they weren't out of danger yet and the volcra hovering above them proved exactly why. zoya's eyes widened as she watched it approach over y/n's shoulder and she pulled the girl on top of her in a tight embrace. the movement made her grit her teeth in pain, her shoulder still hurt like hell, but at least the volcra had missed this chance. she saw it circle around, waiting to pounce once more. she reached for the gun beside her when it turned around, ready for another try. but zoya didn't give it one and directed a shot at its chest, which caught the beast off guard and gave the perfect opportunity to one of the escorts on the ship to finish him off with another shot.

"are you alri-"

"go! get inside!" zoya gently pushed the girl off of her again.

"you're hurt, let me-"

"i need to help send this skiff back. go!"

"it'll only be-"

"we don't have time! i can handle a broken shoulder but i will never forgive myself if something happened to you!" zoya yelled back over the chaos and was supported by another squaller who pulled her to the other side of the deck. y/n sat there, baffled. a harsh force of wind made y/n's hair blow up and the ship started to move again. a young man, one of their escorts, ran up to her, pulled her on her feet and guided her inside.

there she sat, waiting, while a mix of screams, screeches, thunder and gunshots made for a horrifying mix of sounds, while she couldn't do a thing, while zoya was bait up there...

a light so bright beamed through the cracks and holes of the wood and even from her cover, y/n had to shield her eyes.

silence. complete, utter silence. no more volcra, no more shouting or gunshots needed. the wind that the squallers created to send them back home was a comforting sound to y/n's ears and it was all she wanted to focus on as she knew they were going back.

the darkness soon turned to light again. the sky had changed back and was filled with puffy clouds as the air grew more pleasant to inhale. they were back, they were safe. but still, y/n kept seated, not wanting to go out and see the damage. not again.

yes, the sandskiff had returned home, which meant that squallers had sent it back, but zoya had been out there for a while even before the light. going out there meant there was a possibility she was going to receive the news that zoya hadn't made it.

"i need a healer here! quick!"

y/n wiped her teary eyes that were still burning from the smoke, pushed the stray hairs out of her face and stood up. she was not going to let people suffer just because she was afraid of facing her fears. she let herself fall onto her knees next to a cartographer girl whose leg still sizzled from a terrible burn. she seemed pretty out of it- her head lulled as a cold sweat coated her face.

"hey, you're going to be alright. i'm y/n, i'm a healer." she tried to reassure her, even if she was unsure if the girl could even hear her at this point, "i'm going to have to touch it, but it's going to get better after that. i promise. try to sit as still as you can so it won't scar." she went to work and saw the girl's eyes flutter open. "see?" the girl nodded and sent a tired smile her way. that was enough of a thank you for y/n and she immediately stood up to try and see where she was needed next.

zoya had climbed her way down as soon as she could and panic filled her when she couldn't find y/n anywhere. this was where she'd seen the boy take her to?! but as she walked back, she saw the girl tending to a wounded man and a sigh of relief left her mouth. she watched y/n stand up,

"can you tend to my shoulder next?"

y/n's head whipped around at the familiar voice, and even if it sounded hoarse and tired, she could still hear a playful undertone.

"thank the saints! you're alright!" y/n went in for a hug but reminded herself of zoya's injured shoulder and squeezed the girl's hand instead.

"who else sent us back?" zoya smiled tiredly and let y/n pull her out off the chaos on the ship to be sat down on the docks. the healer helped her out of her kefta and zoya noticed y/n was trying to suppress a meek smile at the sight of the talisman that clung around zoya's neck.

zoya closed her eyes as y/n's soft hands made contact with her bare shoulder and she only dared to open them again once the pain was replaced by the familiar feeling of a healing itch. she grabbed the healer's hand and intertwined their fingers.

"are you still hurting?"

zoya let out a breathy chuckle and shook her head, "no, i believe i'm fine now. just a bit shaken."

y/n nodded and stared off into the distance, she knew exactly what zoya meant. a soft tug on her hand made her look back at the blue eyed girl.

"i'm sorry."

"zoya nazyalensky saying sorry? that's a first."

"hush you, i'm serious. don't make me regret this." zoya rolled her eyes, glad to have this y/n back. for a second, back in the fold, when she saw y/n so tensed up as she was reliving her trauma, zoya was afraid she might never get her back, if they were to even get out of the fold alive. but here she was, holding the girl's hand and staring into her eyes. she was here. with her.

"it was wrong of me to downplay your worries when i knew where they stemmed from. you've had to go through that, see that happen... and it was only fair of you to fear my departure. i should've written to you and-"

"zoya, it's quite-"

"let me finish." a light squeeze in her hand and a somewhat serious glare from zoya made y/n shut up, "i also shouldn't have treated you like i did last night. but can you try to imagine the worry i felt when i realised you were going to do the crossing? if something happened to you, that would've been because of me. you were on that ship because i was there, because i didn't write back."

"i would've taken the offer even if you had written to me, to be quite honest..."

zoya rolled her eyes, "of course you would've."

"zoya, when will you understand that i'll always try to have your back?

"but why must you put yourself in harm's way to do so?"

"because that's just how it goes!" y/n squeezed zoya's hand this time, trying to get her message across. "we're companions remember?"

zoya smiled softly and put a strand of hair behind y/n's ear before she wiped away the dirt on the girl's temple. her fingers then travelled down the girl's cheek and jaw before resting there, "i think we're more than companions, don't you think?" her striking blue eyes then looked directly into y/n's, immediately captivating the girl like she was some siren trying to lure her into the pools of her eyes.

"are we?" y/n's voice was small.

"have you forgotten about kissing me already? should you need a reminder?"

"no- i haven't, i remember!" her cheeks turned scarlet as zoya tilted her head in a playful manner. oh gods, how stupid could she be. "i mean, i don't. a reminder would be nice?" the meekness of y/n's voice warmed zoya up and she stroked the girl's bottom lip with the pad of her thumb,

"you sure?"

y/n nodded, but that wasn't what would satisfy zoya.

"talk. use your voice."

"yes, i'm sure."

zoya lifted her chin and looked at her in a way only she could, but it wasn't disrespectful at all. she looked at y/n as if she was the only girl in the world, but even if she wasn't, she'd still pick her. she'd pick her as a friend, a companion, or whatever they were going to be next.

#zoya imagine #zoya x reader #zoya nazyalensky x reader #zoya nazyalensky imagine #zoya one shot #shadow and bone imagines #sab imagines #sab x reader #grishaverse imagines #s&b x reader #s&b imagines

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pure-kirarin · 3 years

Text

Slow & Steady [P6] [Sabo x f!reader] (+18)

A/N : Hello ! I wanted to start by thanking you guys for the AMAZING responses on chapter 5. This makes me want to continue investing in this story !! I read all of your messages and I cherish them, they make me want to continue. I'd also like to thank my beta reader for her hard work. I hope that you will enjoy this chapter as much as the others.

Please always tell me your opinion as it’s my kryptonite ! Also feel free to ask to get tagged.

Synopsis : Isn’t love a matter of timing after all ? That’s what Sabo has always thought. It was about finding the right tempo, making the right moves and hitting the right spot. Patience is a virtue after all, and he had a lot of it. It all started when your ex cheated on you. You were heartbroken, you needed someone and he was there. Was he always that hot ? You didn’t know. But after that night you have never seen him in the same way. Chapter Warning : Smoking (cigarettes) - mention of ex relationships AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/31877203/chapters/81748033

P I - P2 - P3 - P4 - P5 - P6

I made a playlist for this chapter but I suggest you listen to it after ! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3posJHlUg1XFJzQbPkjF0J

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The crimson-haired man ceased to look at you, as if it hurt to do so. Your lack of response discouraged him. How could it be otherwise? You had created a narrative where he was a cheater, believed in it, ended the relationship - all of this without him knowing; without him even doubting it. It was ironic enough that he who saw so clearly in the future, he who knew how to read people’s moves so easily was totally blind when it came to love. Or maybe had he tried to blind himself? To overlook the fact that you weren’t answering your phone anymore? To find excuses upon excuses for you? He had always been that type of person after all. As a big brother, as a “responsible” person, it was second nature to him to bottle up his feelings and to never lose composure. And even in this moment, he couldn’t tell you how much your actions hurt him.

But for once, he accepted the fact that he saw a future that you weren’t a part of. Deep down, he knew that by overlooking the signs and hints, he has also played a role in the downfall of your relationship.

He saw it too clearly: you weren’t his anymore. Just like when you excluded him from the decision making, choosing to put an end to your relationship on your own - you didn’t even have the courage to tell him that yourself. He had to do the same: fill in the gaps and read between the lines. He remained silent for a moment. He got up from his seat when he gave up on you saying anything.

He moved towards the door, ready to leave all your shared memories behind his back.

People don’t always get the closure they need in order to move on, he knew that too well.

“Katakuri,” you called for his name weakly. He didn’t know if it was his imagination or if you had really pronounced his name. He turned his head towards you, unimpressed.

Your heart was pounding hard in your chest. You knew that if you let him go now you would regret it forever. You knew that you had to tell him about everything. He deserved it, after all. It was hard to be the bad guy of the story. But you had been a bitch and you had to face the consequences of your behavior. Wasn’t that what being an adult meant?

“There is something else that I think you need to know,” He seemed interested now. He was listening to you without turning your way.

“I apologize for everything that I have done and I know that you will probably not forgive me and honestly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't either.” You took a deep breath before going on. “What I am going to say might be hard to hear, but I feel like you need to know it.”

You don’t know exactly how the rest followed, nor how you found the courage to tell him about everything. You didn’t get to any details, it would have been too cruel, but you told him what he needed to know.

“I am really sorry, but I think that it’s best for us to split up. My feelings have changed, I have caused enough damage as it is. I think that it’s better for both of us. I am really sorry I hurt you.”

You looked down and from this angle you couldn’t see his smile. It was bitter, the smile of someone that had seen all of this coming. And yet, he was relieved that you confided in him. It was the closure he needed after all. At least now, he could move on.

* * *

The cigarette trembled between your index and middle finger. Your head was clouded. It took too much effort to try and empty your head, to try not to think of what was going to happen. You had lost so much already and what you were going to lose was beyond repair. With every breath you took, you felt your stomach contract and your legs get weaker. It was one of those days when you wished you hadn't woken up. Despite all of this, a feeling of peace submerged you. Peace? Maybe because you had been honest to your ex, maybe because you were trying to be honest to yourself. What got you into this situation was your indecision after all. You didn’t want to hide anymore.

If you can’t see it, then it doesn’t exist. This mentality of yours had to change and you were going to change it tonight. It was the best opportunity, it had to happen, you had to grow. Maybe to some extent, your “romantic” failures weren’t all to blame on others, maybe you also played a role, maybe you weren’t ready yet. Didn’t Sabo say the same thing?

“I thought that you stopped a long time ago.”

A firm voice broke your trance. His hand snitched the cigarette from your lips before putting it out with the sole of his shoe.

“Hey!” You whined in protest, features softening when you were met with his dark eyes.

“I did quit. But I was stressed,” you tried to justify yourself. “I needed it.” You mumbled.

“Bullshit. You always have the choice.” He shrugged and took place next to you on the sidewalk.

Choices, decisions, you were already done with all of this. An awkward silence swallowed the atmosphere, but it seemed as if it was only awkward for you.

Now that you had nothing to do with your fingers and mouth, you started scratching at your wrist slightly - a nervous tic.

The ambience of the park offered you, however, a feeling of safety. The darkness hid your embarrassment. He was now sitting next to you and it was as if words deserted your mind. He didn’t want to pressure you, he didn’t say anything. Under the moonlight, his blond hair took on a silvery shade. He kept looking in front of him, hands in his pockets. Silence didn’t bother him, he knew that something was wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t have texted him to come to the park at around midnight.

Truth is, you couldn’t calm down, you felt like you had to come clear about this whole situation, you felt like you had to make a decision. You felt that if you let today pass, then you would find one hundred excuses and hide again.

It was now or never.

“Sabo,” you started.

“Y/N,” he mirrored your answer.

“I’m going to tell you something... But please don’t judge me, alright?”

“Have I ever judged you?” He arched an eyebrow, his eyes meeting yours, making you switch your gaze almost instantly.

“Well... You have... Like that time I used the microwave at your place…”

“Y/N, you microwaved a fork…” You fake pouted as you playfully punched his arm.

“Well, the fork was in the bowl and Ace was there and he didn’t say anything! Not my fault.”

“And you trusted Ace?” he smiled and held your wrist to stop you. “He’s a living disaster. You guys can’t do anything without me, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah. What would I do without my Mr. know-it-all of a best friend?” you laughed it off.

Best friend. That word reminded you of the reason why you contacted him so late. You coughed two times, trying to switch his attention to you. Laughing things off helped ease the atmosphere. You twirled a hair strand around your finger then started as if you were going to give a speech.

“Hey, I’m gonna try to... be decisive…”

“That’s some character development.”

“Sabo!”

“Sorry, couldn’t help myself,” he said with a sweet smile. You sighed and started bouncing your leg nervously.

“So If I called you tonight it’s not to have the pleasure of your company… and it’s not to rip you off your precious hours of sleep... It’s also not to... ”

Noticing that you were starting to diverge from the topic, he held your hand in his softly and gave you an encouraging look. Honestly speaking, he didn’t have much patience around others but he had loads of it with you.

“I called you for something else. And don’t you dare hang up on me next time! I want to have a serious conversation about…everything, about us, and most importantly about…” you sighed before continuing “About my ex situation.”

He took his hand off yours now that you seemed calmer. He was surprised by your willingness to talk about such matters. It was a pleasant surprise to him, it meant that you wanted to take things in hand, that you were growing.

“I’m listening to you.”

“I thought that it was only fair for you to know as well... that I fucked up pretty badly. I assumed that my ex cheated on me and as it turns out, he didn’t. I just learned it this evening so I feel very confused and bad. It’s a long story. It was just me, assuming things because I was scared and because I feared confrontation. Then everything happened so fast between you and me... I shouldn’t have... I feel very ashamed. For him, for you, for acting so immature.”

Your voice cracked and you couldn’t hold your tears any more. You looked down and started wiping your tears with both hands on your face. You didn’t want to cry in front of him because you had caused him pain as well. Sometimes not taking action is also an action and it has consequences.

You didn’t dare look at him, did he look disappointed? Did he stop loving you? After all, you didn’t even know the reason behind his love. Maybe he was “playing games” too as that anon suggested on Reddit. No, you couldn’t afford to assume things again now. You had to be honest, raw, vulnerable. You couldn’t see his reaction through your tears, but you felt his hand on the top of your head, gently bringing you towards him, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Wow, this really sucks.” You were surprised by his reaction, but the fact that it wasn’t one of disappointment as well as his easy-going demeanour released your stress. You started sobbing, shoulders shaking. He didn’t know how to react at first, but one thing he knew for sure: you came first, and he hated to see you cry.

“Shh... Here, here... It’s okay to cry... Let it all out...” He then continued “It’s going to turn out just fine. You can count on me, okay?”

“I was a really bad person. I should’ve acted differently. I should’ve at least told you... or Nami or someone... but I just... assumed things... I was so scared that you’d stop... that you’d stop being my... friend... And stop loving me…”

His grip tightened around your shoulder as he pressed you a bit closer to him. He offered you a warm smile as he spoke in the same light note.

“Well, whatever happened, happened. I don’t think that you are a bad person. You’re human and you made a mistake that you’re now aware of. I know that you had no ill intentions. At least you learned something, hm? And about me... Aren’t you underestimating me a bit?” He smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Did you forget that I’m Luffy and Ace’s brother? I’m tough, you know.”

You were overwhelmed by his kindness, and this just made you realize that it wasn’t only about your feelings, you couldn’t count on everyone else to put up with you and clear up your mess.

“Sabo, you’re so kind.” Despite your mascara running under your eyes and you looking like a total mess, he found you incredibly beautiful. He felt proud, he knew how hard it was for you to go through all of this. He felt like it was worth it that he had loved you for this long, you were honest and strong, even if you weren’t aware of that strength, you had proven it in this moment.

“I’m not being kind.” He meant it; after all, his intentions weren’t all that innocent towards you, he had wanted you from the start. “I’m just being truthful, as your best friend.”

Maybe he wanted more, but he was content being your friend as well. Since for him everything needed time, he had no right to rush you.

Love is a matter of timing after all. Too fast and all of his subtle efforts would go to waste.

“About that... I mean... The “best friends” part...” He could easily see your chest heaving with your breath. Your heartbeat raising little by little until it was unbearable, your lower lip slightly trembling as you dreaded the weight of the words you were going to pronounce. He looked at you with genuine interest and curiosity; he laid off a bit, turning your way.

“I don’t think that we could act this way anymore...” You dug your nails into the palm of your hand nervously.

“I... told Katakuri about everything. I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore because of how things have changed. I can’t be here and pretend that nothing happened when so much did…”

“Nothing has changed for me.” He said in a stable voice, trying to anticipate your reaction. Despite being sure of himself, of every step he had taken till now, he felt a hint of uncertainty, for this was a variable that he hadn’t taken into consideration.

“But everything changed for me, and I can’t ignore it. I can’t continue to play pretend... Of course it was convenient for me... And I didn’t wanna lose... Whatever it is that we have. But I didn’t realize that it had already changed. I can’t be your friend anymore, Sabo. Not like this. Not with these thoughts in mind. Not after…” Y our eyes flicked from his lips to his eyes and back. “After... everything we did.”

You didn’t give more reasons, but your eyes gave one hundred more.

We can’t be friends because I touched myself to the thought of you. Because I can’t help but think about being with you. Because I don’t stand the thought of you being with someone else. Because I love the way your arms fit around me. Because I love everything about you, from the way you say my name to these stupid blond eyelashes that reflect the light everytime you blink. And most importantly... because I love your way of loving me unconditionally.

As much as I want you...

As much as you want me back...

I can’t be with you, not now, because it would hurt me and hurt you even more, because I have to make a decision, because I can’t draw the line between love and lust and because I am afraid to wrong you in the way I was wronged.

But just for a moment, just for this time, you wanted to kiss him just one last time. You wanted to get intoxicated by that mint smell that you have grown addicted to. He looked at you as he drank your words, eyes reflecting the darkness of the sky. His piercing gaze seemed to understand your dilemma. Suddenly, the emptiness of the park felt too weighty and the air too heavy.

“Say something,” you pleaded, almost begging him to break the silence.

To words, he preferred actions. Before you even realized, he captured your lips into the kiss you were longing for. His hand was fast to encircle your back, pressing your upper body against his. Your fingers instinctively reached for the fabric of his shirt, tugging on it as to pull him closer. For him to kiss you so passionately, it only made you realize his burning desire for you. The more you kissed in an attempt to ease your craving, the hungrier you got for his lips, for his stupid minty taste. But it wasn’t nearly enough for you, the growing warmth and tingles created a desire that you were unable to appease yet. You pressed your legs together when his free hand gently rubbed your thigh. He kissed you deeply, almost willing you into giving up on your decision to give in to his embrace. He was indeed that good of a kisser, making you want to shift into his lap and have him inside of you. You whined at this thought growing more eager, tongue chasing his, teeth nibbling on his lips. But you eventually had to break the kiss, even when you prayed for the seconds to last for hours, it was bound to end. You took a moment to collect your breath again. His eyes were demanding, pupils dilated and greedy, yours were more modest, shifty.

“Looked like you were dying for it.”

He broke the silence, finger tracing your neck before lifting up your chin, making you lose composure as you looked into his deep gaze. It was too late to deny it, you were indeed dying for it. But instead of satiating you, that kiss felt like the promise of something forbidden. You only groaned meekly as an answer, feeling too weak to actively protest. You indulged in his embrace, resting your head in the crease of his neck. You breathed in his scent, even his hair smelled fresh like mint. As you took in a bigger gulp of air, you could inhale the subtleties of a thyme or violet underlying smell. What shampoo did he use? Another diverging thought that you discarded.

You closed your eyes. “Can we stay like this for a little longer?” you asked, and who was he to deny you so little? He revelled in your desperate need for his touch. He felt needed, wanted, but he knew that he shouldn’t get carried away, he knew that it wasn’t the right timing yet. So he just let you sink into his warmth. For now.

You peeled yourself off of him reluctantly. Your eyes avoided his. Nice progress ,he thought, but there was still need for improvement.

“I can’t be selfish, not anymore. I have to make a decision. I am sorry I can’t make up my mind yet.” Your voice cut through the silence, firm, yet not devoid of sensitivity.

You needed time, it was clear, but he was nothing if not patient with you. He was ready to settle for your friendship for now while he worked for your love, but he liked your idea more. He wasn’t one to push his emotions onto you, he was there to lead the dance, to toss a bottle into the sea. If good news came then good for him, if nothing came out then he had gambled and lost. But he wasn’t as detached and passive as things might have seemed, as he took multiple variables into consideration to place his best bet.

“Take all the time you need.” Not an ounce of annoyance was to be detected in his voice. It was steady, a rock that couldn’t be moved. He had what it took, he knew what he wanted and he was ready to wait for it because he had the deep belief that you were worth the wait.

“Why are you so patient? Don’t you think you’re too confident? Aren’t you scared? ” It was genuine curiosity, but you bit your tongue realizing that your words might’ve seemed cocky or doubting. His lips stretched into a roguish smile, making him devastatingly handsome. And here he was, a Sabo that you had encountered a few times between two eyelash beats. It was so destabilizing, the way he morphed into a totally different person from one second to another, giving you a strange feeling. It was something that you couldn’t fully place yet. He kept escaping from your grip while being totally still. He was like sand between your fingers and you were fascinated by the prospect of catching him.

“I thought that it was obvious, doll.” Here he goes again, calling you sweet names and raising the rhythm of your heartbeats. How did he make everything sound good? You would’ve scoffed at anyone else calling you ‘doll’, but that voice of his made it sound oh so appealing. Or maybe it was the seed of desire that he had planted in your core, that was now growing and blossoming, vines intertwining with your lungs.

He got closer again, black eyes scrutinizing yours.

“You can have all the time you need. What I want is simple, non-negotiable, immutable.”

At first he was startled; your ex appearing out of nowhere seemed like an inconvenience, but after giving it some thought, he realized that he was in luck. He didn’t have to make you choose, the choice was there for you to make.

“And what is it that you want?”

“You. But all of you.” He looked you up and down as he said this then got up. He wasn’t the type to settle for less. He wanted no compromises, no half-open doors, no half assed answers. If he wanted something then it was all of it, out of respect for you and for himself. Another reason was probably that he knew: the longer the chase, the bigger the prize.

He got up since he considered that the conversation was over now and it was also getting late. You looked at him, eyes wide open, cheeks aflame. His voice trailed off, cutting through the silence.

“No rush, I think that it’s better for you to focus on your exams for now. Will you manage without my help?” Another charming smile, shifting back to that playful Sabo you have always known. The mood felt less serious now.

“I think I’ll do just fine this time…” you smiled gently, following his lead.

“Good, then. Good night.” He put his hand on your head, softly ruffling your hair before turning back. He seemed a bit more distant now, like he was plunged into some deep reverie. You instinctively got up, looking intensely at his back slowly fading into the darkness. Before his silhouette got completely enveloped, you shouted.

“Sabo!”

He turned back instantly and you threw something in the air towards him. He was quick to catch it.

“I don’t think I need these anymore. Take them!”

He opened his hands, looking at the packet of menthol cigarettes and a blue lighter. He put it into his back pocket prior to giving you a proud smile. He then continued his way back home, leaving you behind. You felt both relieved because things had gotten a bit clearer, yet apprehensive since your feelings were still very much unclear. But maybe what you felt above all was exhaustion. You looked for a moment at your empty hands. Did you make the right choice? Whether it was good or bad, you couldn’t care less. At least you had acted true to yourself.

tag list : @chloenanami @mwls-garden @soanywaysistartedsimping @portgaslari @lofi-coffee @donvampiro @fishandfuck @vemuabhi @gabrielasalazar18 @kiriechanx

#slow and steady #sabo x reader #sabo the revolutionary #one piece x reader #one piece sabo #sabo #one piece imagines #one piece scenario #one piece fanfiction #sabo x you #sabo imagines #revolutionary sabo #charlotte katakuri #katakuri x reader

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fullconstellationalt · 3 years

Text

You Weren’t My Mission: Ch. 2

Chapter Two – Making Amends

TW: alcohol, mentions of violence and death

Note: Hello! All chapters will have warnings at the beginning of their content and possible triggers. If you find that I miss any triggers, please let me know and I will add them to the chapter warnings as soon as possible. Thank you! <3

Series masterpost

Also available on Wattpad and AO3

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

You stared blankly at the hand in front of you, still attempting to process his mere presence. After a few moments of silence, Bucky nodded and gave a slight grin, resting his extended arm on the edge of the bar.

“Tend to get that reaction,” he chuckled. ･:*:･ﾟ☆

“Tend to get that reaction,” he chuckled. You glanced up, meeting his eyes for the first time since he sat down. A look of worry and sympathy met your own hesitant gaze.

As you held eye contact, your mind reeled through what he’d said, trying to sort out what exactly he meant. Amends? What does he mean ‘make amends’? You didn’t realize that you’d asked your questions aloud in a frantic whisper until the bass of his voice rushed to your ears, making you jump.

“Sorry to startle you. Uh, it’s a part of this whole process I’m going through,” he explained. He paused, waiting for some sort of reaction, but you sat frozen still. “I’ve been meeting with different people that I hurt — no, the Winter Soldier hurt — over the years on Hydra missions. You’re one of the last few names on my list.”

You gave a small nod, eyes darting back to the hand resting against the bar. His list? you wondered. It was then that you noticed how long you’d been holding your breath. You let out a small sigh and briefly closed your eyes, attempting to ground yourself.

“Why?” you asked, shifting your gaze back to his. Your voice was small, barely above a whisper, but he managed to hear you.

Although quiet, your question seemed to grant him some relief from the silence that had been hanging. Taking in a deep breath, he explained, “You were one of the few people who survived Hydra’s attack on The Tribune. I’m sure you know that, though.”

You nodded, mind taking you back to the scene at the hospital in the aftermath of the attack.

Of the forty or so staff members in the office at the time, only six of you had survived. As you laid in your bed at the urgent care clinic, nurses and doctors rushing around you, you kept your eyes pinned on the entrance, praying that more of your coworkers would be wheeled in. After hours of watching from your bed, you came to accept that it was just you six that had made it. You’d lost your best friend and boss. The only person you knew well of the survivors was your boyfriend at the time, who you watched be rushed into the ER as a piece of shrapnel stuck in his side was dangerously close to shrinking that survivor count down to five.

You were snapped back to the present by the clinking of glasses behind the counter, Vincent cleaning up after a party had left.

“Are you going to hurt me?” you asked, meeting Bucky’s gaze once again. He winced at the question, his eyes showing a shimmer of empathy.

“No, I’m not,” he assured you. “I’m actually here to say that-.” He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. “That it wasn’t me who did those things.”

Confused, you arched your eyebrow, to which he continued.

“I was controlled by Hydra for almost about seventy years. They kidnapped me after an accident in Europe while I was on active duty and brainwashed me, making me into a living weapon. I was the Winter Soldier, they made me an assassin. But I wasn’t me, I had no control over myself.”

You nodded, vaguely familiar with the story. You’d known and read about him as the Winter Soldier, a Hydra assassin. While his pardon signified that there was a difference between Bucky and the Soldier, your memories subconsciously considered them as one.

Bucky’s eyes returned a soft and regretful look, glancing down at his metal arm before holding out his palm between you. You stared at it, eyes running over its ridges and flecks of gold.

“They gave me this, the arm,” he explained. “Well, they gave me the old one. This one’s new, from a friend in Wakanda.” Images of his old silver arm raced, memories of the way his metal fingers firmly gripped his gun, a red star painted on his shoulder.

Your eyes flickered between his dark metal fingertips and his gaze, trying to piece together what any of this meant and why he was here in front of you.

“What do you mean by making amends?” you asked again. He’d given the gist, but you couldn’t understand why he was here or what he wanted from you.

Bucky shifted in his seat, relaxing a bit as he sensed your fear turning into confusion. He delved into explaining the process of his making amends, telling you about the types of people on his list and how he wanted to give people closure. He talked about the memory wipes, the separation between him and the Winter Soldier. You nodded along, mind finally wrapping around the concept when he abruptly stopped his explanation.

“I’ll let you go,” he offered, aware of his intrusion on your evening. “I just wanted to explain, you know,” he paused. “That I’m not that person anymore. Or, I guess, that I never was.”

He glanced at the bar top before pressing his hand against the surface, pushing himself out of his seat and onto his feet.

“Thanks for listening to me. I’m sorry for-“ he glanced at the ground before meeting your gaze again. “For everything.” He turned to leave, straightening his arms and stepping out from between your seats.

Your sudden grasp on his arm startled him, Bucky whipping his head around to face you again. He'd never been able to shake the fight or flight instincts that Hydra had intensified in him.

“You don’t have to go,” you suggested. “I mean, you can, but we can talk about it more.”

Bucky nodded slowly, not used to your reaction. Most people were glad to see him leave. But you wanted to know more.

“I think talking about it could help. You know, with the memories and stuff. Plus, I don’t really want to hate you if it wasn’t you that hurt me,” you explained.

Glancing between your grip on his jacket sleeve and your gaze, he hesitantly sat back down. “What do you want to know?” he asked.

“Do you remember it?” you pressed. You relived the memory each night in your sleep and every day at work for years afterwards. It was only recently that you’d been able to suppress it, sometimes making it a couple of days without acknowledging what had happened. How did he even remember you?

“I remember all of them,” he admitted, a hint of sorrow in his voice.

Wanting to break the tension, you waved Vincent over to your end of the bar and motioned towards Bucky’s empty hand. He ordered a glass of whiskey before turning back to you, a hint of a smirk on his lips. Maybe a drink would loosen him up, you thought, unaware of the serum’s restrictions.

While the alcohol had no effect on him, having the drink in his hands seemed to help him relax. He asked about how you’d been faring in the years since the attack, to which you shared briefly of the recurring nightmares and post-traumatic stress you’d faced. You feared that you’d shared too much, but he nodded along, a sympathetic look in his eyes. You weren’t opening up much but talking about it with him helped.

It wasn’t taking you long to recognize that the man in front of you wasn’t the same man who had eyed you down the barrel of his gun. Although difficult, the eye contact and talking with him helped you make this distinction, as did his understanding and willingness to listen. Even when you were sharing about the effects of the trauma had because of the Winter Soldier, things you knew probably weighed heavily on him, he nodded along and gave you his full attention. You felt comfortable telling Bucky these things, and he seemed comfortable around you; neither of you were fully relaxed, but at least were trying to talk.

“What have you been up to all these years?” you asked. “Since Tony, you know …” Ever since everyone came back from the snap, you’d heard about him from time to time, still referenced to by most news outlets as ‘the Winter Soldier.’ You knew he’d been pardoned and seen pictures of occasional sightings, the metal arm a dead giveaway of his identity, but knew little else. He told you he’d been living in Brooklyn the past few years, to which you were shocked that you’d managed to avoid seeing him for so long.

“I’m surprised we haven’t run into each other until now,” you quipped.

Bucky smiled, but you could see the subtle grimace beneath the expression. “Yeah, I’ve been steering clear of anywhere you’d be,” he admitted. Your eyes widened — how had he known where you were? Where you worked now? “I’ve got people who’ve helped me avoid running into you or anyone else around here,” he explained as though he could read your mind, but offering no further explanation. Truthfully, you didn’t want to know the details.

“Why now? What made you come here tonight?” you asked. It had been nagging you the entire evening — what made him come to see you now?

“I’d heard you come here in the evenings,” he offered, exposing yet another detail you didn’t really wish to know. “Figured I’d give you some time before just showing up, didn’t want to scare you more than I have.”

You nodded, grateful that he hadn’t come sooner. Things had gotten better with the nightmares and flashbacks in the past few months thanks to work getting busier, and if he had come to see you any earlier you would have undoubtably had an instant panic attack. You were admittedly creeped out that he knew you would be here, but given his connections, you guessed that he had intel on nearly whatever information he wanted about anyone. Plus, talking with him had proven fruitful for you, helping you disconnect Bucky Barnes from the Winter Soldier. He didn’t say it, but it helped him too, helping him humanize himself.

Over an hour had passed since he sat down, and your stomach twisted in hunger. You’d had two drinks without eating dinner; it was beyond time for you to go home and eat. As the conversation came to a lull, you shifted to face him fully, looking him in the eye.

“Could we meet again?” you ask hesitantly. “I think it may help me, you know, with processing what happened. Only if you want to, though.”

He paused to consider your proposition and you watched as the wheels in his mind turned, weighing the possible outcomes. A moment passed and the corner of his mouth twitched upwards in a subtle smile. He nodded in approval.

“I’ll come back by soon,” he assured. You nodded and stood up, grabbing your phone and bag before adjusting your shirt, smoothing your hands over your jeans.

“I’ll see you soon, then.” You gave a small nod and did a quick wave to say goodbye, not comfortable with shaking his hand quite yet. While talking to him helped, you weren’t exactly relaxed around him. It was going to take some time for your mind to fully separate him from the man who had threatened your life and ended so many others’.

Fifteen minutes later you were at your front door, fumbling in your bag for your apartment keys. Once inside, you set your bag in its usual spot on the bench in the doorway and walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge to grab the takeout you’d saved from the night before. You dished out your food onto a plate and stuck it in the microwave. As you waited for the timer to go off, you leaned back against the counter.

Besides the sound of the microwave whirring and the occasional honk from the street below, your apartment was completely silent. The silence always gave you time to think, whether for better or worse. Tonight, your mind wandered to the conversations you’d had, running through the details he’d shared and wondering if you’d said too much. Was meeting him again a good idea? Was this really going to help, or were you doing yourself more harm than good?

Just as you began to question yourself, the oven timer rang through the kitchen, making you jump. You grabbed a fork and took your plate from the microwave, walking to your living space to curl up on the couch. Normally you’d put on the news, your mind always focused on work and the need to stay up to date on current events. But tonight, you ate in silence, instead looking out the window at the city street below as your mind wandered back to your interaction with Bucky.

You desperately hoped that this wasn’t a horrible idea.

Next Chapter (Chapter 3 – Adrenaline Rush)

A/N: Thanks for reading chapter 2! I posted both chapters 1 and 2 back-to-back, and am gonna take a little bit to get chapter 3 up but already know where I want for it to go. This is gonna be a bitttt of a slow burn, if you haven't picked up on that yet. Thanks for sticking around!

#Bucky Barnes #James Buchanan Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes angst #Winter Soldier #winter soldier fanfic #marvel fanfiction #Sebastian Stan #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #angst #bucky barnes makes amends #you weren't my mission #bucky fanfic

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megahwn · 4 years

Text

Three Years Later

Pairing: Kim Seokjin x female reader

Genre: established relationship!au; hurt/comfort

Word Count: 2,482

Rating: 18+

Warnings: explicit language; cunnilingus; discussion of past sexual assault (no act is directly described, but please be cautious when reading)

Summary: You love being intimate with your boyfriend, and one act in particular is your absolute favorite thing. When he thinks to ask you why, you choose to finally confront a hidden truth about your past.

A/N: Written for @peonybane’s The Intimacy Anthology. Based on a true story.

“Yes, yes, yes, please don’t stop,” you beg, legs practically vibrating around your boyfriend’s back as he holds your hips down with his inhumanly strong arms. He doesn’t stop, choosing instead to lick into you even faster than before, making you cry out in unadulterated bliss. You’re soaked from his tongue on you and your own arousal leaving you all at once, and you can feel yourself approaching your end.

Just as Seokjin appears to be giving you some sort of reprieve by taking his tongue out of you, he immediately turns his attention to your clit, wrapping his plush lips around it and sucking hard. The pressure from his lips and his tongue working together on your bundle of nerves sends you headlong into an orgasm, warmth radiating from your belly to the tips of your fingers and toes. You try to regulate your breathing as Seokjin lifts himself off of you and comes to settle himself beside you on your bed, not even bothering to remove your wetness from his face.

“Go clean up,” you giggle at him for being so content with himself.

“But I don’t wanna,” he drags out, flopping down onto his back in mock petulance.

You shake your head at him fondly as he turns toward you once more, propping his head up with his hand.

“You have a perfect body, you know,” he states matter-of-factly.

“Shut up,” you retort, cheeks burning.

“I love eating it,” Seokjin continues anyway.

“Oh my God, shut up!” you squeak, hiding your face in your hands.

“Come on, don’t tell me you don’t love it too,” he says in sing-song.

“... You know it’s my favorite thing for you to do to me,” you manage to mumble through your hands, still unwilling to look at your boyfriend.

“Yeah, I know,” Seokjin says with his signature confidence. His voice then takes on a questioning tone when he says, “Why is that, anyway?”

In that moment, everything good about today - your dinner with Seokjin, the beautiful flowers he got you, the great orgasm he just gave you - is suddenly replaced by fear in your heart and a lump in your throat.

You take your hands away from your face. “Why what?” you ask, even though you already know what he means. You just hope you’re wrong.

Seokjin seems to be unaware of your inner turmoil. “Why do you like me going down on you more than anything else we do? I mean, I know I’m good at it, but I feel like that’s not it.”

You figured that someday your boyfriend might ask you why you loved being gone down on so much, but you didn’t think it would be today. Would this moment be where it all goes wrong?

“I don’t know if I can tell you,” you start slowly, cautiously. Seokjin notices your trepidation right away, and he immediately moves to sit up on the bed and face you directly, even as you continue to lay down next to him. “I’ve only told a few people.”

“Okay, this sounds… serious.” You can practically hear the wheels turning in Seokjin’s head as he tries to find the right words. “I didn’t expect your answer to be serious, so if you don’t want to talk about it, we definitely don’t have to.”

His response makes your heart do somersaults inside your chest. You love this man. How could you not, when he says things like that? His trust in you and his willingness to remain in the dark about something that clearly bothers you makes you want to scream and you just know that this is the right time, so you say it.

“I was assaulted.”

The words ring in your ears as they fill the space you and your boyfriend occupy. To this day, almost three years after the fact, they are still hard to say without taking you back to that place. They’re difficult words and you hate them most of the time, but it feels good to get them out.

You finally turn your head back toward your boyfriend, and as your eyes find his face you can see him quickly change his expression from one of shock to something much more neutral. His eyebrows are slightly furrowed and the corners of his mouth are turned down more than they usually are, though. He’s trying to be calm for you.

“Um, okay… Can I ask you what happened? Or is that overstepping some kind of boundary you don’t want crossed?” You can hear confusion in his voice, and something else that might be heartbreak.

You sigh audibly, turning back toward the ceiling and saying, “You can ask me. It’s okay.”

“Alright, then,” Seokjin says quietly. His thumb gently moves back and forth across your arm as he asks, “What happened?”

You take a breath, ready to begin your story, when a thought pops into your head that you can’t ignore.

“Before I talk to you about this, I want to make something clear,” you announce to no one in particular, still looking toward your bedroom ceiling. “I don’t want your pity. I’m tired of people feeling bad for me because of this, and it’s not what I want from you. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t tell you about this sooner. I don’t want pity, and I don’t want you to see me differently after I tell you this story. Okay?”

“Okay,” is all he says. He sounds sincere, like he really understands the seriousness of what you just asked of him. It soothes your nerves, if only slightly.

“God, this is still embarrassing to talk about.” You’re not sure why you lead with those words. It shouldn’t be embarrassing to talk about how you were violated. And yet, somehow, it just is.

“It’s okay, just tell me what you want me to know,” Seokjin says quietly. You can tell he’s trying to keep his voice steady. Guilt overtakes you at the thought of making him upset. So much guilt.

“Okay,” you say despite your shame. You take a deep breath, and then the words flood from you like a tidal wave.

“He was a friend’s brother. We used to flirt all the time in college, and we even ended up sexting a couple times.” You peek over at Seokjin, already expecting judgment like you had experienced with others to whom you had told your story. It doesn’t come this time, so you continue on.

“One day I was sad about something and he asked me to hang out, so I said yes because I wanted a distraction. We got some food and drove to the lake, and we were eating in his car when he basically asked me why we hadn’t fucked yet and said that we should. I was still sad so I didn’t want to, and he also didn’t have a condom with him so I really didn’t want to. I told him that but he just wouldn’t let it go.”

You take a moment to pause and collect your thoughts. At this point, you can’t bring yourself to look at Seokjin because you know what you’re about to say next.

“He brought up the fact that when we sexted in the past, I had said that we should fuck. I started to feel guilty about not being into it. I felt like I owed it to him because of what I had said in the past. He was still complaining about the fact that I wouldn’t fuck him, and I was still refusing, so eventually he goes, ‘At least let me eat you out.’ At that point I just wanted to go home, and I was still feeling guilty about not wanting to have sex with him, so I said okay. He went down on me right there, in the middle of the woods. He was kneeling in front of the open passenger door of his car on a towel so he wouldn’t get his knees dirty. I was laying across the seat and the center console, and I still remember how uncomfortable it was. When he stopped, I looked up, thinking it was finally over, but he was getting closer to me, dick in his hand. I instinctively closed my legs and said, ‘What are you doing?’ He pushed my legs back open, told me to relax, and then he raped me.”

You feel raw, open. Your blood is pounding in your ears and you don’t think you’ve ever felt so exposed. Seokjin hasn’t said anything yet, which is fine (totally fine), and just as you begin to let inklings of doubt and regret into your brain -

“Thank you for trusting me with this. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

Throughout your retelling of your assault, you didn’t shed a tear. In fact, you barely stopped to take a breath, just wanting it to be out there so you wouldn’t have to say anything else about it. It’s only when you hear those gentle words come out of your boyfriend’s mouth that your eyes start to water.

“Yeah,” you say, feeling small. “Me too.”

“Can I hug you?” he asks, still gentle. He knows how much you love it when he asks before touching you. Now he knows why.

“Yes,” you say, finally letting the tears fall from your eyes.

You hear shuffling sounds, then Seokjin is laying next to you once more, and he scoots over so his body is flush with yours. He throws an arm and a leg over your body and places his head in your neck. You immediately feel wetness on your shoulder, and you realize that Seokjin is crying too.

You lay there for a while, letting the weight of Seokjin’s limbs on your torso and the feel of his breath on your neck ground you into the present moment. Whenever you discuss your assault with anyone, you tend to go back to that place for a while and relive every feeling, every smell, every touch of your rapist’s hands on your body. It really takes a toll on you, as much as you hate to admit it.

What you hate the most about discussing (or even thinking about) your assault, though, is the immense amount of guilt you feel. Guilt that you led your rapist on, guilt that you didn’t want to have sex with him, guilt that you eventually gave in, guilt that you didn’t fight back.

“I feel like it’s my fault sometimes,” you manage to get out much more calmly than how it sounded in your head. You’re playing with Seokjin’s hair as he continues to lay beside you, sniffling slightly in attempts to stop himself from crying.

Seokjin takes in a shaky-sounding breath and lets it out slowly. “Do you want to talk about that?” he asks you as he gives your body a quick squeeze. He does that when he wants you to know you’re safe.

Usually people are quick to reassure you that, no, your rape was not your fault. The thing is, though, that you know that already. You are well-aware that the only person at fault in your rape was your rapist. No one else. So the fact that Seokjin simply asked if you would like to talk about your feelings of guilt, rather than trying to assuage those feelings without letting you speak your mind, is a really big deal to you. You just didn’t know it was a big deal until now.

You let out a small, pathetic sounding, “Yes.” Your throat feels so tight with emotion, you’re amazed you were even able to say anything at all. Seokjin gives you another squeeze.

“Okay,” he says after a beat, sounding much more composed than he did a few moments ago. He’s really trying to hold it together for you. “Let it out,” he continues, leaving you free to speak your mind.

It takes you a minute to collect your thoughts, but once you do, you’re able to get to the root of what plagues you. “I feel like I had a choice and I made the wrong one because I didn’t want him to be mad at me,” you say to the ceiling. “I could have kept saying ‘no’ but I just kind of gave up and let it happen to me.”

Your boyfriend lets out a “Huh,” then immediately turns over in the bed and reaches for his phone. You would be offended, but you had already learned a long time ago that whenever you’re in the middle of a conversation and he does this, it’s because he wants to show you something that he thinks will be helpful.

“Aha, here it is,” he says triumphantly after a minute or two. He then turns the phone toward you so you can read the screen.

It’s an Instagram post. The orange picture is full of black and white text, and the title reads, Know “No.” You read through the post, slightly confused about what it has to do with what you’re talking about, when you read the last line.

“No” might look like five ‘No’s and eventually a ‘Yes.’

You read the line at least three times before it registers with you completely. You blink away fresh tears and return the phone to Seokjin’s waiting hand. You slowly turn to face him for the first time in a while, completely overwhelmed by how much you love him.

“You said no,” he simply states. “Giving in after saying no isn’t consent.”

You sigh out, moving to place your head under Seokjin’s chin. That was exactly what you needed. He always manages to give you exactly what you need.

You clear your throat for what feels like the thousandth time in the last ten minutes, and then you circle back to finally answer Seokjin’s original question.

“I hope this isn’t weird for you now, but that’s why I like it so much when you go down on me. It’s the fact that you love me and would never hurt me like he did. It’s the fact that every time you do it, I heal a little bit more.”

Before Seokjin has a chance to question you, you continue your monologue. “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think about the assault every time you do it, but when I do have flashbacks I’m able to get through them just by thinking about how much you care for me and how much you respect me and my boundaries. I know that if I ever told you “no,” you would stop right then and there. I’m really, really grateful for that. And for you.”

Seokjin gives you a third squeeze. He’s right. You are safe with him. You feel him give a kiss to the crown of your head, and then you both drift off to sleep.

#The Intimacy Anthology #Seokjin x reader #Seokjin smut #Seokjin angst #armywriterssupport

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zodiyack · 4 years

Text

Being A Winchester And Dating A Mikaelson Would Include...

Requested by anon: Will you do a story about Sam and Dean’s little sister hiding the fact she’s dating an original and the families meet

Pairing: Freya Mikaelson x GN!reader, Finn Mikaelson x GN!reader, Elijah Mikaelson x GN!reader, Niklaus Mikaelson x GN!Reader, Rebekah Mikaelson x GN!Reader, Kol Mikaelson x GN!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, mention of murder?, crossover, slight angst

Note: ALTERNATE RESULT OF REQUEST!! THE FIC CAN BE FOUND HERE! THIS IS JUST ONE INCLUDING ALL THE MIKAELSONS/ORIGINALS!

This does not include Hope, by the way. I know I said all, but I meant from the Originals. I have yet to finish Legacies (though I’m getting there!)

Taglist: @matth1w, @redspaceace-writes, @fandom-puff, @darling-i-read-it, @simonsbluee, @jenepleurepasbaby, @thewarriorprincessxo

Masterlist | Supernatural Masterlist | The Originals Masterlist

Freya Mikaelson

Your brothers don’t have much of a problem with witches than they did the rest of the supernatural

especially with Freya, as she can be useful in many ways

get your mind out of the gutter

When they first met her, they were a little cautious- as per usual, but she was cool with them pretty quick.

Dean definitely asked her a lot of questions.

Whether they involved magic or her sexuality, I’ll never tell.

they most likely did

Sam and Freya get along pretty swell

Dean...

Well-

He’s Dean.

Remember when Freya snapped Lucien’s neck because she “works better with quiet”?

ok so that...but just knocking Dean out instead of killing him.

Sam’s kind of in shock, a little intimated, not sure if he should be thankful or mad, etcetera etcetera.

Not a whole lot to say other than the fact that they get along and Dean doesn’t have much of a filter good and bad, but I think we all know that

Putting an end to hiding her was an amazing choice

Finn Mikaelson

His distaste for being what he is, your brothers can get behind, however, his stern mature exterior, they don’t like as much

He’s the kinda guy who they would call a “party pooper”

Dean doesn’t like how literal he is, Sam’s semi-okay with it but not to the point where he’d disagree with Dean

“What?” Dean suddenly stops laughing. Finn is glaring at him with strong judgement.

safe to say, Dean isn’t sure whether he likes Finn or not

Sam’s just trying to be respectful

The entire time he’s around your brothers, you have to be there.

To be honest, you more than likely wouldn’t allow your brothers anywhere near him if you’re not there with him

You’re trying to keep Finn from doing something he’d regret while eating with your brothers

be it, leaving, snapping, really anything- you keep him grounded

He’s not the biggest fan of your brothers.

Hunting, however,

though he won’t offer often, if it involves you, he’s by your side and ignoring any negative feelings towards your brothers

that won’t stop him from saying anything though. He’ll flat out admit that he doesn’t like them, but he’ll push past that for you

Not even sure if hiding the boi was good or not, so that’s up to you

Niklaus Mikaelson

Now Klaus... Well, your brothers disagree with each other one some parts.

Dean likes Klaus, but he still doesn’t trust him all that much involving you or your safety

Sam...he just dislikes Klaus. He despises him. Like Dean, he doesn’t trust him and he doesn’t ever plan on doing so.

Since they meet the family, Sam often tells Dean you’d be better with Elijah.

Dean gives him a weird look but doesn’t respond, dropping the conversation with a his own wordless version of “no”

They will never allow you two any private time.

With Dean, that depends

However, they do indeed ease up when they learn of his protectiveness

Dean probably offers to go get revenge with him

after they learn that Klaus’ revenge involves hunting the creature / person who / that wronged you, they learn to like some parts of him.

Sam and Dean are very strictly against his willingness to, and lack of empathy when, killing humans.

As stated, Dean is like a human, more sane and human (emotion and other stuff wise, not literal), version of Klaus

Sam feels uncomfortable around Klaus and he notices

Dean and Klaus poke fun at him for that and you can’t tell me no

On that note-

Klaus is very likely to pull some shit on your brothers.

Dean thinks it’s hilarious (unless Klaus goes too far), but Sam is not having it.

At all.

Pretty much what happens when the meet him.

just Klaus and Dean laughing with each other and Sam sporting a very criticizing squint at the two every so often

Good choice to hide him, but they probably would’ve found out anyway. News gets around when it’s about Klaus Mikaelson.

Rebekah Mikaelson

To be one hundred percent honest, Dean flirts with her the moment he sees her

but BOY is he surprised when he finds out she’s the one you’re dating

Dean definitely does some double takes between you and Bekah

Sam approves, Dean approves, it’s all good

Rebekah likes them both and is pretty quick to accept them.

she probably asks her brothers why they can’t be more like Sam and Dean, not even gonna lie

That’s how it goes. Their first meeting. All three have some good laughs and right away, they approve

They want her to come over and when she does, they want her to come over a lot more

Rebekah is probably one of the only Mikaelsons who don’t come off as...well, who don’t come off as Klaus-like to them. She’s the best person you could’ve dated and they’re ever so happy you’re doing just that

They’d be cool if you were just friends with her, but still

She too is definitely up for hunting, especially if it means protecting you

Bekah also despised when Klaus judged her for using a knife and being a woman, so you don’t have any need to worry about her preventing you from doing dangerous stuff

that just might be the worry you SHOULD worry about tho

They’re untouchable after meeting her. No one may harm them without being thrown like a javelin past hell itself

Her dreams of having a family really touch Sam and get some approval points after he learns of them

As we know, she’s not as open about that until she wants to be

Tbh, I don’t think they’d think anything negative of/about her

Right off the bat, there was no need to hide her.

Introducing them was absolutely 100% worth it, and your brothers can vouch for that

no promises that their answers wouldn’t be bias

Kol Mikaelson

Sam would rather you date Klaus than Kol, and that’s saying a lot.

While I would like to leave it at that, I have some headcannons to finish. So-

They really just- despise the living crap out of him during their first meeting

Dean thinks he can vibe with him, but then Kol says something Kol-like and Dean is just no

As we all know, Kol, in all three lifetimes he’s had, doesn’t have a filter.

In the slightest.

He won’t hold back.

Once he’s started, there’s no stopping him.

Dean has a filter, but not much of one; he’s a genuinely nice dude with nicer things to say than Kol, however, if those two get in a fight-

Sam would definitely jump in, but Kol’s lack of nice things to say in that moment, is also fighting him

have fun pulling that apart

But because he’s dating you, he has a soft side.

Once Dean and Sam find their way to his soft/good side, they like him a little more.

Sam will probably approve of him by then and forget all about his secret preference involving your love-life

Kol is up for any hunting the boys are doing as long as it doesn’t involve his family

Once the three are all buddies, he thinks of them as family

he thinks of them as off-limits when he first meets them because they’re related to you.

in his mind, no one can hurt them, but he’s allowed to threaten and injure them if they’re still living afterwards

When they’ve reached the family point of view, he’s all over protecting them

demands they allow him to join them on hunts but won’t admit why

They apply to the whole Mikaelson “no one hurts my family and gets away with it” thing

can we just thank Elijah for that quote for a sec? k thanks

Basically, you’ve been hiding him for good reason but if he does eventually get along better, you don’t regret it nearly as much as you once did

380 notes · View notes

ibijau · 3 years

Text

part 13 of the Nomad Nie AU // On AO3

Lan Xichen tries to defuse the situation with Meng Yao and to save his husband

It wasn’t easy, walking in this much snow, least of all after such a long ride. Jin Guangyao, wanting to make a statement to both sides of the fight, had stopped almost exactly midway between the Wen and the Nie, so they would all hear and see him and his hostage. Lan Xichen still did his best to rapidly cross the distance between him and the other two men. Before he even reached them, he heard his husband cry out for him.

“Xichen! Don’t come!” Huaisang shouted, trying to come toward him, only for the blade in Meng Yao’s hand to be brought closer to his throat.

“Be quiet, you!” Meng Yao snarled. “Do you think I would hesitate?”

Lan Xichen froze for a moment, his eyes meeting Huaisang’s. In a situation such as this, it wouldn’t be too odd for the kidnapper to inflict some small wound on their victim, just enough to draw a few drops of blood and show how serious they were. At least, it wasn’t uncommon in the novels Lan Xichen read at home, and while a little vicious, it never did any lasting damage to those hostages. But with Huaisang’s health, even a small cut would be dangerous, especially if they truly ended up taken away by the Wen.

“Meng gongzi, please don’t do anything too rash,” Lan Xichen begged, taking a step closer. “Maybe we can still… wait, is that Zonghui’s sword?”

Having recognised a blade he'd seen so often while training, Lan Xichen stopped walking again, terrified for his husband’s cousin. Meng Yao try to laugh his usual polite laughter, as if they were just chatting calmly, only for it to come off somewhat maniacal.

“Yes! That idiot, can you believe he trusted me when I told him it hurt me to be tied so tight? Those Nie are really too stupid compared to civilised people, they just don’t understand deception in the least!”

A wave of anger mounted inside Lan Xichen upon hearing Zonghui dismissed that way. If Zonghui had listened to Meng Yao’s complaints, if he’d tried to be kind to him, wasn’t it proof that the Nie were nowhere as cruel and barbaric as Meng Yao had convinced himself they were? Didn't it show they had to have held him in some esteem in the past, enough so that his betrayal couldn't fully erase years of cohabitation and collaboration?

But looking at his friend, Lan Xichen figured the argument might be lost on him. There was a wild glint in Meng Yao’s eyes, and a flush on his face that made Lan Xichen suspect the other man might be running a fever. After a blow to the head as hard as the one he’d been given just a few days earlier, it wouldn’t be surprising if Meng Yao had become unwell. In that case, using reason would be no use at all, but perhaps emotion might still work.

“Meng gongzi, Meng Yao, please don’t do anything reckless,” Lan Xichen pleaded in a softer voice, walking closer and stopping just out of range of that sword. “I’m here with you now, so do we really need Huaisang? You’re always saying he’s a bother, so why keep him around? You should just let him go, we don’t need him.”

Meng Yao laughed disdainfully. “Lan gongzi, if we don’t have him, those barbarians will just kill us. We’re useless to them.”

“Surely they must value you,” Lan Xichen insisted, smiling warmly at the other man. “They wouldn’t have trusted you with this plan if they didn’t think you’re an asset. So please, just let Huaisang go, or else you know we’ll have the Khan eternal hatred and it'll be a hassle. Let him go, Meng Yao, and then the two of us will have a better chance to go home together. Wouldn’t you like that? Don't you want us to go home?”

Meng Yao frowned, as if considering it, while Nie Huaisang gasped in horror.

“Xichen, don’t!” he cried out. “They’ll kill you!”

Lan Xichen threw his husband a sharp look, hoping to silence him, but it was too late already, and Meng Yao returned to his senses.

“Silence, you!” he snapped, pressing the sword harder against Huaisang’s skin, not yet cutting but causing a small indent on his throat. Held like this, any wrong movement on either part might cause a wound. Huaisang froze, barely daring to breathe, which seemed to please Meng Yao. “Lan gongzi, it’s really safer to keep him with us for now, so let’s join the Wen before Xu loses patience.”

“Then first you must move that blade away,” Lan Xichen warned, unable to look away from his husband’s throat. “Or else, you might hurt him by accident.”

Meng Yao shrugged, the sword scraping slightly against Huaisang’s skin who went rigid with terror. He threw Lan Xichen a desperate look, tears forming in his eyes, and clenched his hands at his side to resist the impulse to push that sword away.

“If he’s hurt, he’s hurt,” Meng Yao said. “Actually, a little blood will show the Khan we mean business, wouldn’t it? I should…”

“If you spill a single drop of his blood,” Lan Xichen snapped, putting one hand on the handle of his own sword, “I will make you regret it.”

It was perhaps not the smartest thing to say at such a moment, but Lan Xichen was getting truly worried. Meng Yao’s eyes opened wide in shock at the threat, before narrowing as he seemed to reconsider the entire situation. Lan Xichen’s hold on his sword tightened.

Before either of them could move, the Wen leader barked something their way, startling all three of them. Again Meng Yao’s sword scraped against Huaisang’s throat, nearly cutting through it and leaving it slightly more red.

“We’d better get going,” Meng Yao said, his voice colder now even if his expression remained somewhat feverish. “Or else, that idiot will come take Huaisang without our input, and then it’ll all have been for nothing. You can come with us, Lan gongzi, or you can stay here and die with the Nie. And they will die, trust me. Once Huaisang is in Ruohan’s hands it's over, his brother will have to…”

“NO!” Huaisang roared, elbowing Meng Yao in the stomach.

Surprised by that sudden attack, Meng Yao moved without thinking, letting his sword slash into Huaisang’s neck. For all his talks of threats and his willingness to cause a war, Meng Yao looked stunned by the blood on his sword, the red drops on white snow as Huaisang fell to his knees. He looked up toward Lan Xichen, mouth open to ask a question, only to find himself stabbed through the chest by the friend he’d so desperately tried to protect.

They stared at each other, equally shocked that this was happening. But the instant Lan Xichen had seen Huaisang hurt, he’d acted on instinct alone.

"Lan Xichen!" Meng Yao shouted, spitting blood. "After all I did for you, you're choosing that barbarian over me? I treated you as my friend! I helped you, advised you, I was going to save you! And now you're…"

Unwilling to hear those accusations, Lan Xichen pulled his sword out of the other man's body. Meng Yao coughed up more blood and fell to his knees next to Huaisang, still glaring at Lan Xichen.

Lan Xichen ignored him and threw his sword aside so he could gather Huaisang in his arms. Then, without waiting a moment more, he started running toward the camp while holding his husband, who had both hands pressed against his own neck. Behind them Lan Xichen heard Meng Yao throw more insults his way, his voice quickly turning weak between fits of coughing before eventually stopping. More importantly he heard the furious shouts of the Wen, the way they sent their horses after him.

Lan Xichen heard it all and didn't turn to look. Looking would only make him lose time when the only chance of survival Huaisang and him had was to get to the Nie camp. If the Wen caught up with them… Lan Xichen nearly tripped at that thought, jostling Huaisang in his arms who moaned in pain. If they were caught, Lan Xichen would be killed for ruining the Wen's plan, while Huaisang would be taken away. Then he would probably bleed to death in a matter of days among those enemies who wouldn't realise the danger to his health.

So Lan Xichen, with the energy of despair, ran through the snow. His legs and lungs burned, Huaisang was a heavy weight in his arms, but he ran. The snow was slippery, the ground uneven, but he ran. The horses were catching up to him, the camp still out of reach, but he ran, until he thought he could feel the hot breath of a horse against his neck.

Lan Xichen heard a shout behind him in a language he didn't understand, the sound of a sword being brought down, and braced himself. Yet instead of being struck in the back, there was only the unpleasant scrapping of metal meeting metal right next to him.

Unable to resist his curiosity any longer, Lan Xichen looked back to find Mingjue and the Wen chief locked in battle. He slowed down, unable to tear his eyes from that duel until Mingjue, who had the upper hand the whole time, swiftly slashed at his enemy and sent his head rolling into the snow in a single powerful blow.

Without a word, Lan Xichen and Mingjue looked at each other, both of them panting from their efforts. Then the Khan's eyes fell onto his brother, worry flashing on his face. Lan Xichen tightened his hold on his husband.

"I'm taking care of him!" he shouted. "Do what you must!"

Having said this he started running again toward the camp, this time with the Khan blocking the Wen's way. Even once he reached the first ger he didn't stop running, not until he'd taken Huaisang to their home and laid him down on some furs.

A few people tried to come in, wanting to help. Lan Xichen took the medicine they were carrying, but still sent them away, knowing they would surely notice if there was too much blood.

Outside, the battle went on, noisy and messy but turning to the Nie's advantage by the sound of it. Inside, Lan Xichen was fighting another battle, trying to mop the blood steadily flowing from his husband's neck long enough to apply balms on it, just as he had before. This wound was bleeding more than the other one on his arm, weeks before, but it wasn't too deep and had miraculously avoided cutting anything critical. Although very pale and weakened, Huaisang was still conscious and even managed to whisper instructions on how to deal with his wound.

"This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't struggled," Lan Xichen scolded him, fighting tears as he pressed a new, clean piece of fabric against the wound. "Couldn't you see Meng Yao was serious?"

Nie Huaisang shrugged weakly, then winced in pain.

"Better dead than used against my brother," he whispered. "Anyway, I knew you'd save me."

"You're so unreasonable!" Lan Xichen sobbed, watching the fabric on Huaisang’s neck slowly turn red. "I swear, your brother is right, you're too unreasonable sometimes!"

Nie Huaisang smiled at that accusation and tried to nod, only to wince once more. Lan Xichen started scolding him again, all the while crying heavy tears which mixed with his husband's unceasing stream of blood.

This was how Mingjue found them when he returned, the battle won. Like the two of them he was stained with blood, though by the look of things, none of it was his own. He threw them a look so severe Lan Xichen feared he would be sent away. With everything that had happened, they had never had the chance to let the Khan know that Huaisang had shared his secret.

But Mingjue did not force Lan Xichen to leave, only motioning for his brother-in-law to move aside so he could check on Huaisang. Lan Xichen promptly obeyed, relieved that someone more experienced was there to help. Mingjue lifted the piece of cloth to look at the wound. His face showed no emotion as he demanded more cloth, but his hands were trembling slightly as he pressed down on the gash, careful not to choke his brother.

With great calm, Mingjue took over caring for his brother. Throughout the rest of the night and part of the morning he stayed with Huaisang, telling Lan Xichen how to help, sending him outside sometimes when he needed more cloth or medicine.

Without needing to be asked, Lan Xichen remained elusive when others asked about Huaisang’s state. A neck wound could easily be a serious issue, so it did not seem to surprise the Nie that Huaisang was bleeding so much. They were a little more puzzled that Mingjue would deal with this alone, but ultimately they knew how protective he could be, and there were other wounded to be cared for after that battle, so everyone stopped insisting. For his part, Lan Xichen almost asked after Meng Yao, even after all this, before deciding it was pointless. Zonghui (who was well, in spite of a blow to the head. This Lan Xichen did ask) had taught where to strike to kill someone. Even if Meng Yao had initially survived, any Nie finding him would have finished him off for what he'd done, and the Wen wouldn't have any better feelings for him.

Around noon, Lan Xichen was sent to fetch some light soup. Mingjue, tired from his long effort, left to his brother-in-law the task of feeding Huaisang, only watching tiredly as he too ate something. Soon after, Huaisang fell asleep, and Mingjue encouraged Lan Xichen to do the same.

Although he'd thought he would be too nervous to close his eyes, Lan Xichen passed out as soon as he laid down and slept a dreamless sleep.

In the first few days that followed, Huaisang's fate remained uncertain. Even if the wound wasn't deep, it was in an area where it wasn't possible to rely on compression to help stop the flow of blood. To make it worse, Huaisang developed a fever on the first evening, making his brother and his husband fear that they would lose him. Lan Xichen spent that entire night at his side, holding his hand, doing everything he could to soothe him. If Huaisang had to die, Lan Xichen refused to let him die alone.

Thankfully the fever broke that following morning, and from there on Huaisang slowly improved.

It would take a while for the wound to fully close, and Huaisang would have to stay inside and be careful for days, or more likely weeks, but his life was no longer threatened.

When his brother announced this, Huaisang demanded a party to celebrate. Mingjue scolded him, called him spoiled and unreasonable, then went ahead and arranged for all of Huaisang’s favourite foods to be prepared that evening, or at least as many as could be managed in the middle of winter, so the three of them could indeed celebrate. They even shared some liquor together, though Huaisang complained heavily when he was allowed very little of it, only to then promptly get drowsy from drinking and needing to be helped to bed.

Lan Xichen took care of that, carefully removing any unnecessary layers before wrapping his husband in furs for the night. Until Huaisang’s wound had further healed, they’d agreed it might be safer to sleep separately to avoid any wrong movements during the night, something neither of them enjoyed. Lan Xichen was glad to have that little bit of intimacy that night, even if it was somewhat ruined by Khan Mingjue’s jokes against his brother’s inability to handle liquor. But this too, he figured, was a good thing. If the Khan could poke fun at his brother, it meant he wasn't so worried about him anymore.

"I owe you his life," Mingjue soberly remarked when his brother-in-law had returned to sit with him, passing him the bowl of alcohol.

"You really don't," Lan Xichen replied, taking a polite sip. "He wanted to kill Meng Yao when we learned the truth, and I didn't let him. If anything, it's my fault he was wounded."

"You chose mercy," Mingjue retorted. "Menyao didn't. His choice got him killed. Yours deserve a reward. Name it and it's yours."

Taken aback by that sudden demand, Lan Xichen looked away. He didn't feel like he deserved any special gift, just because he had done what he believed any decent person would have done. Besides, he'd already gotten a reward: Huaisang was healing, what more would he have wished for?

"Anything at all," Mingjue insisted, guessing his thoughts. "If you want to be set free and go home, I'll allow it. I know you won't betray our habits to your Khan."

The offer startled Lan Xichen so badly that he dropped the bowl of alcohol, spilling it over himself and the carpet.

He missed his home.

He missed his brother, his uncle, even his father, though they'd never been close. He missed his room, his books. He missed the shop down the street that sold prints, the tanghulu their cook made when he was in a good mood. He missed warm baths, finely woven cotton clothes, and the elegant guan he'd been gifted for his coming of age.

It would be nice to go back, and have his comfortable life returned to him.

If he went home, Lan Xichen thought, it was almost certain that Huaisang would try to follow him. The Khan wouldn't be able to stop him, not if he was really determined. And that, of course, was the problem.

Lan Xichen, naturally, would be delighted to have his husband with him, this man he’d never expected to love as much as he did. It would be wonderful to show Huaisang around town, to make him taste new foods, to help him discover new entertainments. They would paint together, go to see plays, and pet Lan Wangji’s rabbits. For a while at least, it would be amazing.

Then after weeks, or months, or perhaps years if they were lucky, Lan Xichen's family would start reminding him he needed a real marriage, to a woman who would give him sons. And once the initial joy of having Lan Xichen back passed, how would they treat Huaisang anyway? If Meng Yao, after years of living with the Nie, still only saw them as inhuman barbarians, how could people who knew nothing of life in the steppe think differently? And as for Huaisang himself, even if they loved each other, how happy could he really be away from his horses and his hawks, away from the brother he adored?

Among the Han, Lan Xichen saw no future for them.

Here though, among the Nie… certainly life was harder on the steppes, more dangerous as well, but it had its good sides as well. Lan Xichen had found that he liked the Nie, and they seemed to like him well enough. He loved his horse, and looked forward to riding it again in the spring. He hoped, also, that Huaisang would teach him how to hunt with a hawk. He wanted to be taught this, and every other aspect of their lives they might be willing to share with him.

"I have decided on the favour I want," Lan Xichen announced while trying to mop the spilled alcohol. "I wish to stay here, as Huaisang's husband. That's all I want." He paused a moment, considering something. "I also hope Huaisang and I might have our own ger at some point. It's normal for married people, isn't it?"

The unexpected demand stunned the Khan into silence for a moment, making him stare at his brother-in-law with sharp eyes. Then Nie Mingjue burst out laughing, while Lan Xichen blushed, hoping the other man couldn’t guess why he wanted them to have their own ger.

He really didn't mind the Khan's company, and they'd become closer while caring for Huaisang, but… but at some point in the future Huaisang would be fully healed, and privacy would be very welcome.

“We’ll buy wood this summer,” Mingjue promised, “and you’ll help us build your ger.”

Lan Xichen smiled at him, grateful beyond words that the Khan agreed to this capricious demand. But then again, with how much he spoiled his brother, perhaps it shouldn’t have been too surprising.

They chatted a while longer the two of them, until the Khan had enough and decided to go to sleep. Lan Xichen prepared to do the same, but couldn’t resist checking one last time on Huaisang, just to make sure he hadn’t started bleeding again. He almost laughed when he came closer and saw Huaisang hastily close his eyes, pretending to be sound asleep.

Lan Xichen knelt down at his husband’s side, checking his wound, making sure he was comfortable. He then leaned closer, until his lips nearly touched Huaisang’s ear, making him shiver.

"Didn't I promise you I'd stay?" Lan Xichen whispered. "Stop being so worried about this. I'm choosing you today, and I'll keep choosing you every day."

Still pretending to sleep, Huaisang didn't reply, but he also couldn't refrain a smile. Lan Xichen pressed a gentle kiss on his cheek before getting up again. He sighed fondly as he prepared, overcome with love for this silly husband of his.

Whatever the future held for them, he knew they would face it together.

#xisang #lan xichen #nie huaisang #jin guangyao #nie mingjue #mdzs #jau writes #Nomad nie #this is the long awaited character death chapter :)

26 notes · View notes

lochrannn · 3 years

Link

Warnings: Sexual Content (M Rating)

Characters: Lila Pitts; Diego Hargreeves; Hargreeves Siblings (background)

Relationship: Lila Pitts/Diego Hargreeves

Roommates AU; Fake Marriage; Slow Burn; Mutual Pining

Chapter 1/?

So it’s been a week since Lila fooled around with her roommate… her landlord?

… Diego! It’s been a week since Lila fooled around with Diego and she’s just a bit unsure about how she’s supposed to feel about it.

It’s not like things have become completely awkward, per se. They hadn’t been hanging out beforehand, they’d just been two people who were polite and courteous about sharing a living space.

One time she’d offered him the rest of her dinner that she’d cooked when he had come in really late in the evening - he kept odd working hours, but then she’s always thought Americans are bad at striking a healthy work life balance - and she’d kept him company in the kitchen while he was eating. They’d had a pleasant chat and she’d felt reassured then that he seemed like a decent enough guy, but that was basically that.

Until he walked into the living room one sweltering afternoon, while she was in the kitchen, apparently didn’t realise she was there, decided to have himself some alone time, and all of a sudden she was treated to his deep, rich voice making all of these rumbling sexy noises, and when she spotted his face turned up to the ceiling where his head was resting on the back of the couch, eyebrows knitted together, full lips slightly parted, eyes closed in concentration, it hit her like a tone of bricks how fucking hot he was.

So in the spur of the moment she decided to get herself involved. And all things considered, she can’t get herself to regret that. Not least because Diego reciprocated so thoroughly that for the last week she’s not been able to stop thinking about his lips, and tongue, and teeth on her every time she’s bumped into him. And sometimes even completely out of nowhere when he isn’t even around.

She told him not to make things weird after and he’d cockily responded with, “Why would I?”, leant into her where she was still sitting on the sofa, kissed her till she was breathless, clearly encouraged by the way she couldn’t help melting against her, before heading out again and to go and meet some family.

And maybe he isn’t being weird, maybe it’s her. He’s not mentioned it again and they’ve gone back to mostly just living their separate lives while in the same space, but maybe with this gentle underlying buzz of tension that wasn’t really there before.

And Lila’s noticed that when she finished his bottle of fizzy ice tea, he replaced it right away but hasn’t touched it himself since. Curious.

And so, of course, they inevitably end up in bed together.

It’s hot, and fun, and maybe a little rough, because she niggles and needles at Diego until he holds her down, until her muscles ache from how hard she’s shaking, and afterwards she doesn’t get up and go back to her room, instead she falls asleep with him, too tired and sated to move.

Lila wakes up in the middle of the night and is just a bit disoriented at first until the memories flood back in and she realises she’s lying with her head cushioned on Diego’s arm and her back nestled up against his side. He must have his face turned towards her because she can feel his breath ever so slightly hit the back of her head.

Idly, she wonders if she should head to her own bed, avoid the inevitable awkwardness of waking up together in the morning. At least, she thinks, her legs will support her now, she wasn’t too sure about that earlier. But she’s so comfortable and it’s been a while since she’s gone to sleep with anyone and not just fucked them, that she decides against bursting their little bubble and instead lays her hand in Diego’s outstretched palm in front of her, interlaces their fingers, and turns her head a bit so she can press her lips to his biceps.

Lila thought he was asleep, but when she kisses his arm she can feel him hum deep in his chest and he turns around and readjusts till he has his whole front tightly pressed to her back and throws his arm over her torso, splaying his long fingers over her belly.

“Hey,” he whispers and kisses her shoulder gently.

With a hum of her own, Lila stretches like a cat, mostly in response to the shiver that runs down her spine at the sound of his voice and then she thinks fuck it and covers his hand with hers and carefully moves it down and in between her legs.

Diego catches on immediately and nudges his knee between her thighs to give them more room to stroke and tease her together and Lila is delighted with the way he lets her direct his fingers, show him where she wants to be touched and how, while Diego scrapes his teeth over the top of her spine and then sucks hard at the spot.

It’s all too much and not enough for Lila, as she feels her muscles flutter around nothing and when she starts grinding into his hand that she’s pressing hard against herself with her own, she feels his arousal nudge against her bum. On impulse Lila tilts her hips further forward and reaches in between her own legs to align them, and before she can push back, Diego nudges his hips against her and pushes into her almost painfully slowly.

As a shaky breath escapes her lips and she hears a very similar noise from Diego, that he hums into her neck, a tiny rational part of her thinks they should have probably stopped to get a condom, but she’s too turned on to hold on to that thought, when Diego starts rhythmically filling to the hilt, never thrusting, never speeding up, just slowly but surely winding her up, until she has to sink her teeth into the flesh of his arm, making him hiss but not draw away, to muffle her loud moans.

Diego’s fingers continue to rub her in gentle but unwavering circles and Lila moves her own hand to feel where they’re joined. And as she feels with her fingertips how he’s stretching her, how tightly her muscles are contracting around him, the dam breaks and the orgasm that has so persistently been building washes through her, making her skin tingle from the roots of her hair to her toes and she makes a small whimpering noise with how she feels it absolutely everywhere.

Diego grunts and she can feel him begin to pull away, so on some possibly hormone driven instinct, she reaches back quickly and clamps her hand on his hip to hold him in place.

“Lila, I’m gonna…” Diego rushes out in a whisper but Lila interrupts him with, “it’s ok!” and a harsh breath escapes him before he pushes into her only a few more times and then empties himself inside her with a soft moan.

They’re both panting despite the fact that they barely moved the entire time and as Lila can feel her heart racing and a warm feeling spreading out from her centre and all through her body and into her limbs, she turns around in Diego’s arms, ignores the slightly unpleasant sensation between her legs, hooks one over his hip so she can hold onto him tightly and softly brushes her lips against his, glad for the dark, because she’s not so sure she knows what she’d do if she could see his expression properly.

Diego responds by tightening his arms around her and deepening the kiss, until all she can focus on is the way his tongue slides against hers, the soft pressure of his full lips, and the way they stretch into a smile as she hums drowsily into his mouth.

Lila loses track of time and at some point they must fall asleep because she wakes in the early hours of the morning, slightly less entangled in Diego’s limbs but still pressed into his side, and in the cold harsh light of day, as her rational thoughts are no longer completely being drowned out by her desire, she realises the stupid mistake she made during the night, and swallowing down her panic, slips out of Diego’s hold and his room to find a pharmacy and a morning after pill as quickly as possible.

Diego is drifting in and out of sleep when the comfortable weight at his side suddenly disappears and Lila leaves him in the early hours of the morning, closing the door silently behind herself but somehow the sound nevertheless reverberates around Diego’s sparsely furnished room.

His arm feels so suddenly unoccupied and useless that he tucks it behind his head as he stares up at the ceiling and watches dustmotes float around in the sunlight that filters in through his half drawn drapes.

He doesn’t go back to sleep, even though a quick look at his alarm clock tells him that it’s very early, instead he lies awake and frets.

How has he let this happen again? He’d felt guilty enough about it the first time around and had promised himself not to indulge in anything more with Lila again, whatever his feelings might be and yet now he’s taken her to bed and though she was enthusiastic about it, how can he be fully certain that she doesn’t think he has some kind of expectation now, or that her continued stay in his apartment is somehow dependent on her willingness fuck him?

And then he remembers that he slept with her without a condom.

“Fuck!” he says out loud. He’s not some horny teenager anymore, he knows so much better than this. Unbidden his thoughts drift to his biological mother, a woman he’s never known, and wonders whether she’d been in a similar situation, whether some asshole who couldn’t keep it in his pants had left her high and dry when she got pregnant, leaving her with no other option than to give him away.

Diego covers his eyes with his hand, pressing his fingers into them in an attempt to stave off the tears that are threatening to leak out.

Fuck, he’s a grown-ass man, and he might have a failing business and apparently really shitty luck with women, cause of course the first time he meets someone he feels truly drawn to in years, she’s his fucking tenant, but he’s damned if he won’t take responsibilty for his own actions.

He’s got to get to work, but the next time he sees her, he needs to clear the air with Lila.

#otp: just be gentle #lila pitts #diego hargreeves #dielila #diego x lila #diego/lila #tua #the umbrella academy #fanfic #ongoing fic

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tuanhood · 4 years

Text

do i know you?

pairing: mark tuan x reader

genre: smut, (kinda fluff maybe?)

warnings: explicit sex, dirty talk, cursing

word count: 7k+

summary: you never thought in a million years you would meet your favorite idol on a night out, so then why do you pretend not to know who he is?

a/n: this is my first piece of smut and it’s kind of terrible but I TRIED YOU UNHOLY HEATHENS!!!!!!

The dark club should have made you feel at home. You weren’t a stranger to going out and dancing (and/or drinking the night away), but for some reason you felt a little more regretful being out. Being dragged into the city on a Thursday night at nearly one in the morning sounded like a good idea at first, but as you watched your friend on the dance floor you thought crawling into bed with a glass of wine and watching YouTube sounded like the ideal end to a night. Maybe you were getting too old for this.

Taking a sip of what had to be your second double vodka cranberry, you wondered if the bartender had scammed you. The flow of alcohol you usually experienced hadn’t kicked in and the numbness it brought was missing. You sighed and placed the drink down on the bar deciding to give up on alcohol for the rest of the night. It seemed like it just wasn’t going to be that kind of night.

“Come on!” You heard your friend shout at you, waving her hands crazily in efforts to get you to join her on the floor. You contemplated waving her off and sticking at the bar, checking your phone incessantly every minute to see the time change – wondering if this was the minute, you’d be able to go home.

But looking at your friend have such a fun time on the dance floor you couldn’t help but smile and feel yourself move towards her in the crowd.

“Ah! Finally!” she yelled over the music as you joined and put her hands out towards you in an attempt to spin you. You grabbed her hand and spun around the dance floor laughing for the first time all night. Some track that had been on your spring playlist began playing and it occurred to you that maybe this wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

“See they knew you were coming!” Your friend said knowing she recognized the song from you. The two of you danced without stopping for at least 5 songs, and you felt the need to go back to the bar and sip on something. Whether that be water to catch your breath, or to maybe try and see if the alcohol would finally hit you – otherwise that bartender really was scamming you.

Telling your friend about your plan to retreat to the bar, she nodded her head, signaling her willingness to follow. At the bar you order another drink, making sure to give the bartender eyes that say don’t fuck with me dude and turn to your friend.

“Damn, I can’t believe it’s already 3:30… Do you think we should go soon?” She asked.

Even though you had a fun time dancing – and your intoxication being at a record low while doing so – you still had the feeling that going home might just be for the best, especially as you watched the bartender tip the liquor bottle into your drink for .0001 second.

“What time does this place close?” You asked.

She shrugs, “I don’t know, like… 6?”

Yeah… no way you were doing the all night till the morning thing today.

Turning your head to the right side of the bar you did a double take as if you’d seen a ghost. No way, you thought, you had to be dreaming. Noticing your sudden silence, your friend placed her hand on your shoulder, “What? Are you okay?”

You tore your gaze away from the figure situated at the end of the bar, you looked at her unsure if you’d be able to get a full sentence out. “I-I-”

“You what?” Taking a deep breath in, you tried to collect yourself, unable to believe the words coming from your mouth, “Mark Tuan is here.”

She shifted her eyes to the side as if trying to reach the back of her memory to see if she knew a Mark Tuan and looked back to you when she came back with nothing, “Do we go to school with him?”

You shook your head quickly and said his name again, but slowly, “Mark Tuan.”

Her eyes widened in shock, realizing the significance of the name, “What? What’s he doing here?”

“Do you think if I really knew I would be here having a panic attack?”

She looked to where he stood at the end of the bar, laughing at something someone in his group of friends said and running his hands through his hair carelessly. It almost felt as though he did it in slow motion, for everyone to take notice of him or in your opinion for you to torturously want him.

You had never really been a fan of K-pop idols before, but there was something about Got7 and specifically Mark that made you fall in love. Spending hours listening to their music, watching videos of them and waking up early to buy concert tickets, but you never in a million years thought that you would be sat at the same bar in the same club with Mark fucking Tuan. That was something fangirls only dreamed about and here you were living it.

“You have to talk to him.” You turned to your friend in shock and squinted your eyes at her in disbelief, “Um excuse me?”

“When does this ever happen? I know you and if you don’t talk to him, you’re going to regret it later.”

Shaking your head, you turned away from her and faced the bar, “No let’s just go home… I don’t want to bother him, I’m sure he just wants a chill night without any crazy fans,” you took a sip from your new drink, which still didn’t take anything like alcohol, “and besides I’m definitely not drunk enough to be confident to go over there, even if I wanted to.”

There was a pause as you waited for your friend to respond, but nothing except silence came from her side of the bar. You turned to look at her once again, noticing she faced Mark and his group of friends whose gazes were fixed on you.

“I don’t know… but something tells me he might want to.”

For just a moment you locked eyes with Mark and felt your heart beat out of your chest. It felt like everything you’d ever heard about love at first sight, but of course you were in love at first sight – this guy had been the starring role in all of your fantasies and dreams for the last few years. To him you were a stranger who was looking at him for an uncomfortably long amount of time and probably wanted to get away from immediately.

Then it happened. From the other side of the bar, he gave you that smile that you had come to know and love. The smile that did things only that smile could do. You dropped your gaze from him and looked down at the floor in a panic.

What the fuck does this mean? you thought to yourself. It must have been a mistake, certainly the Mark Tuan was not looking at you, and there’s no way he gave you the smile. You were just thinking about going home for godssake, Mark Tuan can’t be giving you the smile, just throwing it out there like a free pamphlet at a protest.

“What do we do?” Your friend asked.

Still looking at the floor, in the fear that you might get caught in Mark’s trance once again, you answered her. “What the fuck do you mean what should we do? We… We go get our coats from coat check and leave.”

She snorted at you, “You do realize that in order to go get our coats we have to pass right by him and his friends.” At this, you nod at her thoughtfully, “you’re right. So, I’ll just go wait outside while you get our coa-”

“Ma’am?” You’re interrupted by your bartender – the one that didn’t want you to have a fun night. Even though he seems to have a personal vendetta against you, you found yourself grateful that you had somewhere else to look that wasn’t the floor and especially not Mark Tuan.

“Um, yes?” You asked looking up at him. “This is from the gentleman at the end of the bar,” he said sliding you over another double vodka cranberry.

You stared at the drink speechless and look to the “gentleman at the end of the bar,” expecting it to be some creepy guy and not Mark Tuan, but instead as you glanced to your right you found a bright eyed Mark smiling at you and raising his own glass slightly in the air.

You couldn’t believe that Mark had sent you a drink and not a note that said “stop staring and fuck off already,” or something to that extent. Not only that, but it had been the exact drink you had been having all night… Was it because he noticed? Watched you? No there was no way, he probably just had asked the bartender… the bartender that seemed to hate you.

“Well?” Your friend asked you, breaking you out of your thoughts “You gonna have the drink sent to you by a K-Pop idol or what?” Nodding to her, but mostly yourself, you lifted up the drink and smiled at Mark, taking a sip.

This one actually tasted like it had two shots of vodka.

Mark turned to one of his friends and said something, they nod at him and you see him place his drink down on the counter. Was he leaving already?

But then your heart began to immediately beat out of your chest as you realized what he was doing. He was coming over.

As he approached you, you were afraid that you were going to go into cardiac arrest before he even made it over to you. You felt your friend’s hand on your wrist in an effort to relax you and place you at ease, “I’m going to go back to dance for a bit. Text me and let me know if you end up leaving,” she said throwing you a knowing wink. Instantly, you shake your head at her in protest asking her to stay and wondering why she thought you were going to end up leaving with Mark Tuan.

But just like that she’s gone and you face forward to be met with Mark. Well… it was now or never.

“Hi.”

“Um H-hi,” you practically stuttered.

“How’s the drink?” He asked, glancing down at the drink he sent you.

You shrugged in a nervous way, “Oh you know… It’s good.”

Mark’s eyebrows raised, “just good?” You found your eyes glancing down at the floor, unsure if you could have direct eye contact with him those close without blushing and embarrassing yourself.

“I mean it’s pretty good,” you replied, deciding you had to look back at him. You couldn’t have a conversation with your eyes glued on the sticky floor of a nightclub.

He placed a hand on his chest in relief, “oh thank god. I saw the look on your face with the last three drinks you had and I thought that I might as well give it a try.”

Your eyes widened, “o-oh um yeah… I’m just pretty sure the bartender hates me and wasn’t putting the full shots in the drink. With the amount of alcohol, I’ve supposedly had tonight I should be in the hospital and not standing here talking to you.”

He chuckled at the comment, “well I’m glad.”

“Glad that I’m not in the hospital?”

“Glad that you’re here talking to me,” he replied giving you a half smirk that made your stomach drop.

You cleared your throat, “Yeah well… I’m a 10/10 good hang you know…” You couldn’t believe what you were saying? A 10/10 good hang? Was that supposed to make him think you were cool? Worth talking to? It seemed like it was going to make him turn around and head in the opposite direction.

He nodded his head at you in response, “Yeah, no I could totally tell by your jelly shoes,” he glanced down at your shoes and you feel your face turn red.

“I-I’m just not a huge heels girl and I don’t know I wasn’t trying to be quirky or anything but I’ve had these since I was in high school and they’re broken in really well so I can go a whole night in them and my feet won’t hurt or anyth-” You cut yourself off mid ramble. Clearly Mark Tuan didn’t want to hear about your jelly shoes. Why the fuck were you being so weird?

“Sorry,” You said to him, taking another sip of your drink out of nervous habit.

“No, it’s okay. It was cute. To be honest with you, I don’t really get to hear monologues about jelly shoes being broken in that often, so it was refreshing.” He grinned at you in a teasing demeanor.

Cute?

He looked at for you for a moment, smiling with his eyes glancing down at your lips ever so often. The silence between the two of you felt as though it had a lot of weight to it – not in an awkward way, but it made you uneasy in a way that you couldn’t identify. It made you want to break the silence any way you could.

“U-Um so what do you do?” His eyes glanced from your lips back to your eyes. When his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, it begins to register to you what exactly you had just asked him.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“Uh like what do you do as a job? Or um… are you a student?”

Obviously, you knew what he did, you knew who he was, so you had no clue as to why you were pretending like you didn’t know.

“You don’t know?” He asked cocking his head to the side.

“Sorry… I don’t know. Do I know you?”

Well… it was too late to go back now.

A half smile appeared on Mark’s face and it makes you think maybe this is what he wanted – someone who doesn’t know him and what he does or at least pretends not to. “No, you don’t… Sorry, I thought maybe you- never mind, it’s not important,” he pursed his lips in thought, “I just work in music.”

You nodded at him, not wanting to press anymore and dig yourself into a deeper hole.

“What do you do?” He asked taking a step closer.

He’s close enough to you now that you can smell his cologne, and it practically makes your legs go weak. Getting lost in his smell and his gaze on you, you almost didn’t respond.

“I’m just a grad student. Simple as that,” you replied, shrugging.

He leaned up against the bar to get comfortable, still within cologne smelling distance, “that sounds pretty interesting to me,” he pauses and continues, “I’m Mark by the way… I almost forgot that part.” He thrusts his hand forward and you just stare at it.

“You know usually you would tell me your name and shake my hand.”

You shook your head at yourself, “right duh of course,” you grabbed his hand and tell him your name. The way he repeats it gives you goosebumps and you could feel it go straight to your core.

It makes you want to hear more from him, to hear everything from him.

Suddenly you felt the drink Mark had sent you go straight to your head, the confidence that alcohol brought you surging through your veins, “do you want to go dance?” You asked him.

He smiled brightly, “I thought you’d never ask… Do you mind?” He asked gesturing to your drink. Nodding at him to show approval, he takes your drink and finishes it with one final gulp, while placing it on the bar counter.

Grabbing Mark’s hand, you lead him to the dance floor. At first, he starts dancing in an effort to make you laugh and you do the same, throwing out dance combos that you probably learned when you were thirteen. Mark almost falls over at your attempt to do some dance you saw on TikTok – to the complete wrong song. Just as you were about to show him another, you turned your back to him and a slower, more sensual song came on.

It suddenly felt weird to continue with your goofy dance moves to a song like this, so you just let your body follow the rhythm and beat of the song playing, eyes closed. After a moment, you felt hands on your hips, Mark slowly pulling you closer to him as if testing the waters until you’re tentatively pressed against his front.

“Is this okay?” He asked, lips brushing your ear which each word. Eyes still closed, you hum in response and approval. With this you feel his hands guide your hips as you move yourself closer to him. Pressing your back further into Mark, you feel his hardness pressed up against you. Grinding yourself on him even more, you hear a soft groan come from Mark’s lips and you feel your lower body twitch with a want you hadn’t felt in a long time.

He places slight pressure on your hip and turns you around to face him, the glint in his eyes and smirk on his face apparent even under the harsh lighting of the club.

Mark’s hand cups your face and he caresses his thumb along your cheek gently. The way he looks at you is a gaze that’s filled with lust and passion, but you also sense a thoughtfulness behind it. Almost as though he’s memorizing every inch of your face so he can think back to it again and again, even after whatever happens between the two of you tonight.

His hand on your hip goes further around your waist and he brings you close until your bodies are flush with one another. “You are so fucking beautiful,” he murmured, eyes fluttering closed. His head tilted to the side and he leans forward towards you. Wetting your lips in anticipation, you follow his lead.

Mark’s lips brush against yours gently at first and you hope he can’t hear how fast your heart is beating through your chest at just the slightest contact. His lips part slightly and you feel his tongue slide across your bottom lip. Granting him entrance, he deepens the kiss, causing you to wrap your arms around his neck, gently threading your fingers through the hair at his nape.

You hear Mark let out another soft groan at your playful tugging of his hair, sending a chill down your spine. He moves the hand circled around your waist lower, until it sits just above your ass and you can’t help but smirk into the kiss which he follows.

He breaks apart from you and you’re left breathless, whining at the loss of the feeling of his soft lips on yours. “Are we on the same page?” He breathes out in a deep, husky tone.

Caught up in the way he looks at you and the fact that you just had the best kiss in your entire life, you don’t stop yourself from saying the words that come out of your mouth, “I don’t live too far from here.”

“Then what are we waiting for princess?”

The pet name sets you into motion as you grab Mark’s hand and he follows you outside of his club. Him calling you both an Uber and the 15-minute ride to your place with Mark’s hands all over you in the car passes by in a blur as your focus increases to the feeling between your legs that grows with every touch he gives you. Somehow in the car, you managed to type out an incoherent message to your friend about heading home and asking her if she could grab your jacket from the coat check since you had to leave “in a rush.”

By the time you reached your apartment you felt as though you couldn’t even make it to the elevator in your building by the way Mark kept whispering dirty words and promises about what he was going to do to you in your ear.

Reaching the front door you desperately searched your bag for the keys, glancing up at Mark ever so often who had another sly smirk plastered on his face and biting his lip seductively. Somehow that makes the search for your keys even more frantic and it feels like decades before you finally find them at the bottom, although only mere seconds had passed. You turned the key to your apartment and let Mark go through first.

With the shut of your front door, you felt yourself being pushed back against the wall of your living room, Mark’s lips hungrily on yours. You let your hands drift up and rake themselves through his freshly dyed dark hair.

“I saw you looking at me and I knew you wanted me to fuck you. Is that what you want? Tell me that’s what you want.”

You moaned at his words as he ran his hands up and down your thighs, getting too close to where you needed him the most. You felt yourself lost in everything he was and is and couldn’t manage to respond with words, instead you bucked your hips forward into his as an attempt to show him how much you needed him.

He shook his head, “No, no, no. If you want me, tell me. A good girl always uses her words.”

It felt like you couldn’t breathe, like you had lost all the air and words in your body. You couldn’t be this infatuated with someone and wanted something so much that you forgot all of your basic vocabulary.

With a slip of his right hand under your dress you suddenly had an awakening, “Yes! Mark, I need you. I want you, please.”

He wouldn’t let it end there, “please what? I’m going to need specifics.”

“Please just fuck me already!”

“We have an impatient girl, don’t we? Well I’m just going to have to teach you how to wait.”

Groaning, you didn’t know how much waiting you would be able to take at this point. You could feel yourself break just from his touch under your dress, it was hard to imagine how long you would be able to deal with his teasing.

His hand crept to the top of your panties and slowly trailed his fingertips along your slit above the thin fabric. He hums to himself in satisfaction as he feels the dampness that has gathered near your core, “I haven’t even done anything, and you’ve already soaked your panties. What is it? My words? My voice? What is it that you love so much that you could cum without being touched?” Mark continues to slide his fingers down your sensitive folds, suddenly pushing his digit beneath the wet fabric. Sucking in a deep breath you shut your eyes tightly and suddenly feel his fingers grow motionless and stagnant.

Mark clicks his tongue in a disapproving manner, “I want you to look up at me when I open you up for the first time.” With his other hand, he takes your chin and tilts it towards him, causing you to obey him and position your eyes onto his.

“That’s my girl,” he coos.

With his wish granted, you feel his fingers begin to move again, his thumb dipping into your slit with his index finger shifted upwards to your clit. Adding light pressure, he circled around your sensitive nub, shifting from left to right and causing you to bite back a moan, not wanting to let him know exactly the kind of effect he was causing you when he had only just begun. But with the dampness that had already been pooling between your legs and the supposed mess in your panties, it was likely he already knew.

Completely pushing your underwear to the side, you felt him insert one of his digits into you, a groan coming from both of you. “You’re so fucking tight; I can’t imagine how you’re going to feel around my cock.” Nothing could phase you, not even the overwhelming sound of your wetness as Mark pushed himself in and out due to the bliss of finally having some part of him inside of you. You thought you were going to break when Mark suddenly added a second finger, pumping them inside of you at a faster pace and curling them to hit just the right spot.

“M-Mark please don’t stop.” You gasped, barely believing you had the capacity to get a functional sentence out.

At your request, he picks up his speed, repositioning his thumb back on your clit. You felt yourself pulse and tighten around Mark’s fingers, getting closer to the edge and closer to letting yourself go. “So fucking tight,” Mark mumbled as you shut your eyes tightly and dropped your head back against the wall, crying out in pleasure as you felt yourself begin to combust. Sensing your approaching orgasm, his movements stilled and his thumb on your clit draws back. Mark slips his fingers out of you, leaving a feeling of emptiness that you detest, wanting nothing more than to have him back inside of you bringing you to the edge and making you see stars. You bring your head forward from the wall to look at him, a smirk plastered on his face as he dips his fingers into his mouth to taste you. The sight alone is almost enough to make up for your loss of impending orgasm.

“My good girl has to wait.”

In the past you had found yourself suddenly hating Mark Tuan for a lot of different reasons. For ruining you with his different hairstyles and colors, wearing undeniably good-looking outfits to the airport and being generally attractive in everything he says or does. But you never thought that him denying you an orgasm would be added to that list.

Your legs feel weak from the release that never came, but you somehow managed to push yourself off of the wall and switch places with Mark to lean against the couch in a moment to catch your breath.

“How about I fill you up somewhere else? Would you like that?”

Hearing his words, the weakness in your body is forgotten and you immediately dropped to your knees. For a moment, you wondered how desperate you must look to him, being so eager to have him in your mouth. The thought soon disappeared from your mind as he unzipped his pants, realizing for the first time just how tight they looked. You felt your arousal growing more at the thought that you had been the one to cause the tightness.

Mark unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them down his legs along with his underwear, releasing his cock. You had to admit as much as you loved the feeling that a penis gave you, you had always thought they were strange looking and in the past most of the dicks you’ve been met with were underwhelming in size and girth, but once again Mark Tuan was in a different league. His cock was actually pretty. You almost couldn’t believe how perfect it was and the way your stomach churned at how it was going to fit inside you later. Somehow it wasn’t too small or too big – but just perfect. Fuck, did this guy have anything imperfect about him?

Mark held his cock from the base and rubbed the tip against your lips.

“Open your mouth.”

Obeying his command, you open your mouth for him as he guided the head of his cock into your mouth. Closing your mouth around the head, you suck lightly as he watched you take him in with hungry eyes. You swirled your tongue around the head of his cock and slide your tongue along his length, teasingly. Finding your mouth back to his tip, you gently suck the head and move your hands up and down the shaft.

“Such a needy slut for me, aren’t you?”

You moaned at his choice of words and he let out a chuckle at your reaction, “you like that, don’t you? Like it when I call you what you are? A needy slut.” This only encouraged you to take more of him in your mouth and to begin to dip your head up and down wanting nothing more than to feel him at the back of your throat and to see him lose control the same way you did. As you continued, you could feel him move his hips forwards, involuntarily thrusting himself further into your mouth. You could feel your eyes beginning to water and your lips slick with spit and Mark’s precum, feeling yourself grow wetter in between your thighs thinking of how he was going to fill you up.

Groaning, you felt Mark fist his hands in your hair, “Fuck… you’re doing so good for me princess. Taking me so well and being such a good girl.” Continuing bobbing your head up and down, you felt him twitch inside your mouth as you reached the base of his cock. Feeling as though he was close to releasing himself, your remove your hands from his thighs and move them to his balls, wanting nothing more than to taste him and have him tell you how good you were for swallowing him so easily.

Suddenly, he pulled himself out of your mouth completely, causing you to look up at him through your lashes and reach out for him.

He shakes his head, “As much as I would love to cum inside that pretty mouth of yours, I need to be inside you.” He pauses, as if considering something and places his hand on top of your head, gently stroking your hair, “Be honest. You knew who I was when I came over to you. You knew who I was, and you’ve been dreaming about fucking me.”

For the first time of the night you feel embarrassed. It wasn’t your whimpers and moans for him or even your eagerness to get on your knees but lying to him that had you wanting to disappear.

He continues to stroke your hair, comforting you as you look up at him when he speaks again, “Well let me be honest with you, from the moment I came into the club I’ve been thinking about how tight you’d feel around me. How well I would stretch you and what kind of noises you’d make. Do you want me to do that for you? Do you want to feel me inside of you?”

You nod your head vigorously as you get up from your knees and wipe the spit running down your chin with the back of your hand.

Grabbing his hand, you led him down the hallway from the living room, leaving his discarded pants and underwear into your bedroom, not wanting to wait another second for him to be inside of you.

As soon as you’re inside, you felt Mark sliding the straps of your dress off your bare shoulders, grateful you didn’t wear a bra tonight since it would have become just another barrier separating you from him.

He makes it his task to kiss every piece of new skin that’s revealed on your body as he peels the dress down off of you. You find yourself with closed eyes once again, and it feels like every square inch of you is radiating a new kind of sensitivity.

“Lay back princess,” Mark said as soon as your dress is off.

Laying back onto your bed, you suddenly had a moment for your brain to catch up with your body. You were laying on your bed, in just your panties, about to be completely and utterly wrecked by Mark Tuan. And to think a few hours earlier you wanted to be in bed watching videos of him.

Looking at you on the bed, Mark licked his lips, “you look so beautiful princess. Just waiting for me to give you want you want. Have you thought about this before?” You nodded your head in response, but it wasn’t enough for him.

“What was that?”

He wanted to hear you say it, “Yes Mark. I-I’ve touched myself thinking about this so many times.” He closes his eyes tightly and groans, “I’m going to give you what you want. What we both want.”

It’s like his words are magic, anything he said went right to your core and made you feel like you were getting more soaked with every syllable that left his mouth. You had always dreamed about what he would be like in bed – what he would say and what noises he would make. And you had to admit at moments during tonight you found it hard to believe that the sweet, shy and quiet boy you knew from your favorite idol group could utter such words to you, but you had always hoped he had this side to him. Who knew you’d find out that you were right?

You hear Mark crinkling the condom packet and throwing it somewhere on the floor as he rolls it onto his length. Your instinct was to sit up and reach for him in an effort to help, but he shook his head.

“Relax princess, I’m doing all the work now. I’m going to make you feel so good and give you what you’ve been waiting on for so long.”

Laying back, you once again obey him and wait in anticipation. Part of you felt like you should be embarrassed for how quickly you were able to trust him and follow his every wish without really knowing him, but all you really felt was turned on by the notion.

“Mark. Please fuck me.”

He chuckled, and you felt the weight shift on the bed as he climbed on top of you, his lips quick to find yours, tongue swiping across your lower lip before he sinks his teeth into it. At this point kissing Mark felt like a second nature to you, and you couldn’t believe you had gone this long without kissing him. His hand cups your face gently and breaks away for a moment, just long enough to give you a slow, sultry smirk. He reattaches your lips with his, and you feel his freehand move down your body, playing with your breasts briefly, pinching your nipples before traveling lower. You feel his hand back at your core, but this time gently pulling down your panties which have become useless at this point due to how soaked they are. He only manages to get them halfway down your legs, and you help him by moving your legs up to completely rid your body of them.

Mark breaks away from you and just looks at you once again, as if in complete disbelief, which leads to you also looking at him in disbelief. You both couldn’t believe this was happening.

He pulled his shirt over his head and gives you another peck, “Ready for me?”

“Yes,” you wiggled your hips to show him how ready you were for him to finally fill you up.

You felt his body slip between your open legs, the tip of his erection brushing against your entrance and somehow that alone made a tightness in your lower belly appear. He rubbed himself against your entrance and you felt your eyes shut tightly, a whimper instinctively leaving your mouth with the built-up sensitivity you had from your denial.

Mark noticed this and decided to edge you on further, “Oh is this all you want?”

He continued rubbing his length up and down your slit and you groan in pleasure, but also annoyance at his continual teasing, “No. Mark please. I want more. I need more!”

At your words, he nudged himself forward just a little bit, but not enough and whine once again, trying to buck your hips up, but he holds them down.

“I thought you said all I had to do was relax,” you whined, practically wanting to cry.

Mark smiled at you, “I know. I know. My good girl’s been so patient.”

Mark thrusts forward, slow but without pause, stretching you open and giving you time to adjust to him. When he bottoms out, fully inside of you, you feel as though you could scream at how good it felt. How good it felt just having him there, inside of you and filling you up so completely. You could feel your body tighten and clench around him as if giving him the welcome to move.

“How does it feel?”

“It feels so so good. P-Please Mark, I need you to move.”

“Anything my good girl wants. It’s all yours princess,” he murmured.

He draws his hips back only to slam into you hard and fast, hitting deep inside of you. You moaned instantly at the feeling, and the noise only urged Mark to go faster, harder and deeper.

“You’re so tight, princess,” he groaned out, his eyes focusing on where your bodies met. He pulls back slowly, and continues to thrust in hard causing you to cry out. He leans down further onto you and his head falls into the crook of your neck, his teeth pulling and sucking at your neck, making you weak.

He stops his assault on your neck and slows his thrusting for a moment, and it makes you wonder if he suddenly reconsidered this whole thing – mid-fucking. He pulls out of you altogether and you feel yourself clench around nothing, whining at the loss of him inside of you. Looking back up at him he smiled, moving your body to flip you onto your stomach, then placing you up on your hands and knees.

“You..” you begin to say, but your words are completely lost when you feel Mark re-enter you at a new angle that had him reaching even deeper inside of you then before. He began picking up his original pace once again, hitting that spot every single time, making you lose all thoughts and common sense. The head of his cock hitting the sweet spot inside of you over and over again causes you to scream out multiple curses.

His chest leans against your back until his mouth is near your ear and you get chills down your spine, “Fuck, you feel so good princess. Squeezing me so tight, mmh…” His words are murmured into your skin, interrupted by kisses placed onto your shoulder in between words.

“Like this pussy was made just for me. My good girl made just for me, right?”

You could feel your body tensing, the orgasm starting at the pit of your stomach and spreading throughout your limbs.

“Right?” He asked again with a groan, slamming into you from behind even harder as he feels you clench even more around him.

“Y-Yes Mark. Just for you! Only you!”

“You’re so close, I can feel it,” he said practically breathlessly, making it clear his high was beginning to reach him too.

He brings his hand that isn’t situated on your hip, around to your front and lowers it between your legs to find your clit. The tips of his fingers tease your clit, in a way that felt like he knew exactly what would bring you even closer to the edge. The way your pussy clenched around his cock was evidence enough, “cum for me princess, cum all over my cock.”

You weren’t sure if it was his words or his hand on your clit or his continual and deep thrusting into you that finally brought your body over the edge and made you feel as though you had been hit by a truck. Orgasm washing over you as your hips began to buck and incoherent words left your mouth as you released around him.

Praises of how pretty you looked and what a good girl you were began to fall from Mark’s lips as his thrusts grew slower and sloppier, a sign that he was close as well. You clenched yourself around him and he moans at the feeling, and with one final push you fell the warmth of his cum spilling inside the condom.

He breathes heavily and stays inside you for a moment, almost wanting to relish in the moment, but he soon pulls out to remove the condom from his length, tying it and throwing it in the trash next to your bed.

You can’t remember the last time you felt this good, during or post sex. The euphoric feeling that came with it almost made you forget how you would probably never see Mark after tonight. You would just become another one of the many girls he likely sleeps with. You didn’t want to think that this was a constant thing he did, but you also had to be honest with yourself… He was a 26-year-old guy with fame… this must be an every night kind of thing.

Now that… that made your stomach churn.

Lost in your thoughts, you felt Mark place a kiss on your shoulder with a shy smile, warming your heart. He places his arm around you and you both lay in bed content from your post-sex high. The silence somehow isn’t awkward, as you expected it to usually be after a one-night stand, but instead it’s more comforting as if you actually had known Mark all these years.

Mark ends up breaking the silence first, “sorry if that was- too much.” You turned to him confused, “what do you mean?”

He looked away nervously, “the stuff I said.” Was he kidding?

“Mark no way... I liked it... In fact I really fucking liked it,” you said mumbling the last part.

Mark gives you another shy smile, “okay... I just don’t ever do this so I’m not sure what the standard is and I saw how much you liked it in the cab so I-”

“Now you’re the one rambling and I can see what you mean by it being cute.”

He rolled his eyes playfully, and kisses you on the top of your head. Another wave of comfortable silence washes over the two of you and you begin to think about something he had said earlier.

“Um… so what gave me away?” He looked down at you, confused.

You cleared your throat, “as a fan I mean…”

Mark laughed a bit and moved you closer to his chest, “the light stick on the bookshelf in the living room while you were blowing me.”

You groaned as if being a child scolded by a parent, “Ah of course.”

Rubbing your arm comfortingly, he smiled, “Don’t worry though, it’s better if the person I’m seeing is a fan. That way I don’t have to force you to come to stuff.”

You looked up at him in shock, “the person you’re seeing?”

“I want to keep seeing you… really want to keep seeing you. I hope that’s okay.”

You don’t say anything in response, but leant up to kiss him. Mark smiled into the kiss and you felt yourself break into one as well. Pulling away you situated yourself back to laying your head onto his chest as he engulfed you closer to him. Closing your eyes, you lay there in peaceful silence and felt more comfortable than you’ve been at home in your own bed for a long time.

“So… who’s your bias?”

“Obviously Jaebeom.”

Mark looked at you in disbelief and you snorted in response, pushing him playfully. “Some dork named Mark Tuan of course.”

He kissed the top of your head, and reached to stroke your hair, “Yeah, it better be.”

#got7 fanfic #got7 smut #mark tuan fanfic #mark tuan smut

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frostedfaves · 4 years

Text

Kids

Pairing: Jake Peralta x fem!reader

Summary: Jake and Y/N have a very important talk about the future.

Word Count: 1k

Warnings: mentions of infertility, a little angst

"Y/N!" Jake shouted as he threw open the apartment door, completely startling Y/N.

"What's going on? Are you okay?!" She rushed over to check him out and he stopped her hands with a sheepish smile.

"Sorry, everything's fine. I'm just so excited to show you this!" He took one of her hands and pulled her over to the couch with him. "My half sister from Texas had a baby a little while ago and finally sent pictures! Isn't he the cutest little ball of human you've ever seen?"

Y/N looked at the phone with a smile on her lips and just a hint of tears in her eyes. "He's beautiful."

"I know, right? God, cute kids are dangerous. They start to convince you that you need to make some of your own to help them build their cute baby army," Jake laughed as he looked at some of the other pictures, giving Y/N a bit of time to lose herself in her thoughts.

If you don't give him a kid, he'll leave.

He'll pretend that it's fine but he will always regret it.

Y/N shook her head, begging her mother's words to stop echoing through her head. There was nothing more she hated right now than how traditional she was. Surely kids can't be the only thing that makes a relationship last.

"So you're saying you would like to have kids, then?" Playing with her fingers, heart pounding in her chest as she awaited the answer.

"I don't know, really. I mean I obviously have fears about being a good dad because I never had a good reference. But between my willingness to learn and your already existing perfection, I think we could make it work."

"Oh."

Jake noticed her deflate slightly and frowned. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, not at all! I just..." She sighed and crossed her legs, turning to completely face Jake as he did the same. "Since we're engaged now, I feel like I should tell you this so you can make your decision on whether or not you want to marry me."

"Baby, I'm not going any—"

"Jake, please hear me out before you make a promise you can't keep," she begged with tears in her eyes, waiting until he nodded to continue. "The other week when I was at my mom's showing her the ring and discussing our plans, kids came up. I had a doctor's appointment a few days later. My doctor told me that because of my surgery from years ago, I shouldn't have kids. There's a 99% chance I'll die during the birthing process."

Jake took a deep breath to calm himself from the sudden heavy feeling in his chest, blinking back a couple tears. "I'm so sorry, babe."

"The crazy thing is that I wasn't ever one of those people that always saw kids in her future, but that didn't make completely losing the possibility to have them hurt any less."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Jake questioned, keeping his tone soft.

"Because..." She stopped and puffed out a breath as her eyes betrayed her, spilling salty trails down her cheeks and past her lips. She watched them land on her hands and felt her heart breaking even more as her fiancé rubbed them dry with his thumbs.

"Because my mom said that it would either be a deal breaker that caused you to leave or you'd say it was fine and eventually regret it. I was scared that for once she might be right. I didn't want to know and it was selfish of me to keep that from you but I was terrified to lose you."

"Okay baby, I need you to hear me out now." He paused a second to take her in, his own tears threatening to spill at the thought of her internal struggle.

"Kids are adorable and could possibly save the world some day but they will never change how I feel about you. Ever. I didn't date or propose to you because I needed a son or daughter. I did those things because I've fallen in love with you and I can't possibly see myself going forward in life without you."

Y/N leaned forward to capture his lips with hers, pulling away seconds later and resting her head on his shoulder. She was aware of his shirt getting slowly soaked but could only hold onto the fabric near his waist as more tears came. Jake rubbed her back in silence, not wanting to rush her words to him.

"If the time comes that I really do want kids for certain and you do too, we can talk about adoption or surrogacy or whatever you want to do. I'm happy as long as you are," Jake continued, desperately wanting to make her feel better.

Eventually she lifted her head and wiped her cheeks, tilting her head slightly at the grin settling into his features. "What's that for?" she questioned, chuckling a bit.

"I just missed your smile is all."

Y/N found herself grinning even more than her fiancé, almost feeling silly for how distraught she was a second ago but knowing it was justified.

"I'm really glad we're talking about this because I do feel a lot better. And you're right. We'll have a child somehow if we really want one and you're also right about our relationship being much more than adding on to our family tree. I love you. Thank you for being so understanding."

Jake shifted his position on the couch so that he was facing the TV before pulling Y/N into his lap. "I love you, too. So what do you wanna watch, 16 and Pregnant?"

"Ha ha, you dick." She rolled her eyes and got settled against his chest, watching him flip through the TV guide. "Actually I kinda wanna watch it."

Jake laughed and selected the program, putting down the remote and wrapping his arms around his future wife. He kept his eyes on the screen as he lightly kissed her temple, hoping it was enough in the moment to reassure Y/N that she was stuck with him for the rest of his life.

#queue #jake peralta #jake peralta x reader #jake peralta x fem!reader #jake peralta imagine #brooklyn nine nine #brooklyn 99 #brooklyn nine nine imagine #brooklyn nine nine x reader #b99 fic #b99 imagine #b99 x reader #b99 fanfic

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howimproper · 4 years

Note

For Qingming x Boya. Qingming slowly changing Boyas mind about demons

So, this went in an unexpected direction but I can't say I don't love it 😂

A Road Less Travelled

When Qing Ming had contacted him via magic ear to set up a rendezvous, Boya hadn't thought in a million years that it would go this way.

Typically, it's to join forces for a hunt, (Boya is convinced this is no more than an excuse however, because those hunts are always well within Qing Ming's ability) or instances gaining in frequency simply to catch each other up on their lives. To share in a companionship that grew quickly and terrifyingly as easy as breathing.

Boya is not adverse in either case.

With the death of the Empress, Boya's life had changed exponentially. His presence in the palace or even Imperial City itself required less and less until he is eventually finding himself sent far and wide. It's not only him, he knows. His sect was created and maintained to protect the palace from the threat of demons and spirits alike, and just because the Evil Serpent housed within the deceased Empress is no more for a time, does not mean other threats do not exist. As the head of the sect and arguably its best warrior, Boya is no stranger to his skills being in constant demand- however his superiors willingness to grant so many requests is...new.

Boya can't decide if they're trying to get rid of him, or are simply uncertain of what to do with him and his unexpected fame at being one of the main hands that dealt with the rise of the Evil Serpent and, by happenstance, the death of their nations ruler. Do they lord him as a hero, or an unwitting traitor quickly swept under the rug?

Never mind that the Empress had seen to her own demise. Boya has, and never will, understand nor enjoy politics. He much prefers the simplicity of wandering village to village to city to countryside in search of his next quarry. Less politics, less complication. He has grown used to and learned to embrace the isolation, and emphatically ignores the pangs of loneliness he certainly does not feel when he is surrounded by people who do not know him or his mind.

He most certainly does not look forward to the warming of the magic ear he had gifted Qing Ming, or the smooth, almost playful cadence of his voice when he is contacted at random for reasons innocuous or intent. And he most definitely does not drop everything he happens to be doing at the time to indulge the other guardians whims. That would be irresponsible of him, not to mention undignified.

Except sometimes he does and he's not even sorry, what is wrong with him.

It has only been a handful of short months since the last time he'd dropped everything to find his feet taking him to a quiet lakeside home near a far away mountain. Not long at all since he'd indulged in the tranquillity and ease of the only presence he'd found that did not raise his hackles or feel like the weight of chains on his shoulders. Boya is self aware enough to know that he is not a people person. He has the skills, as all those born amongst the elite do- but he has long since grown too abrasive, too direct from long years spent honing his body instead of his tongue to be comfortable rubbing shoulders with self important nobles or braggart so called intellectuals masquerading as scholars.

Once, when he was younger and blinder to the truth of the world he dwelt in, he might have been more suited to opulent surroundings and the couth if hollow companionship of the equally sheltered and stupid. But then his mother had been torn from him, and he'd become more austere, rough, jaded. Not consumed, but definitely intent on ideas of revenge and self righteous anger at the being responsible for the death of his innocence. As he'd grown in body, skill and mind however, Boya had honed those qualities into a fine weapon that he aimed mercilessly at not just the one, but the whole of demonkind.

Boya has hated demons for so long, that when faced with the man who was for all intents and purposes his opposite, he had found the control he sweat and bled for crumbling to dust between his fingers, and he had lashed out.

He still doesn't know, to this day, what stayed his blade throughout the infancy of that acquaintanceship. Whether it was the presence of his fellows or the weight of the task they all shouldered- until eventually time and exposure had ever so slowly smoothed reflexive hackles, if only enough for him to notice the quiet, sombre air of understanding that permeated often short and prickly interactions.

Only for those hackles to stand straight back up with every instance of sympathy or outright regard for the beings that exist purely as cruel thorns in Boya's soul. At every sign that this man prefers the company of beasts, kin of half of his blood.

Boya hates demons as surely as the sky is blue and his heart beats within his chest, but against all conceivable reason, Boya can't hate Qing Ming.

When he tries, Boya just finds that he hates himself.

Against all logic, it was only the passing of days that tempered him to the man's presence. Barely moments in time that gently uncoiled the tight grip of his ire until he found himself beset with an inexplicable sense of kinship that brought nothing but confusion in its wake and made every attempt at rebuke reflexive and half hearted at best. Until they stopped all together and Boya instead found himself drawn in ways he'd never before experienced. Until for the first time in his life, he'd turned the weapon crafted from the bleeding edges of his stone heart to protect an existence he'd spent longer hating than living.

At first, he told himself he did it out of duty. There were a great many lives threatened in the City, in the world, and he would fulfil the purpose he'd curved into himself gladly and with a small, quiet relief. But that had only been part of the reason, and it had taken some long months of separation and reflection before he'd realised it. Then some further time spent agonising over the ambivalent nature of the realisation, and a few shameful nights spent trying to drown it. Boya is not known for seeking life's answers at the bottom of a bottle, but if there is one existence that can drive him to it, it is probably Qing Ming's.

He can't decide if his eventual acceptance of the matter was brought about by lowered inhibitions or the regretful insight one experiences only during the first moments one opens their eyes to a truly magnificent hangover. Mayhaps he simply grew tired of waking up face down on or sprawled half under a drinking table in some out of the way inn room he’d stomped into at some ungodly hour.

Honestly Boya thinks he probably shouldn’t drink at all. His constitution for it in excess seems to leave much to be desired. He can’t be good at everything, he supposes. A realization he is endlessly glad to have come upon alone. Gods forbid he be prone to acts not of his character whilst sober, (if he had had company Boya is of the mind that he might have bemoaned the sorry state of his life in a most undignified manner and he swears never to drink again. It’s only a short while later that he makes a liar of himself and wakes with the indentation of bamboo and regret pressed into his brow.)

The occasional presence of his dizi on the table leads him to think he might be either a whimsical or maudlin drunk. All the more reason to avoid it, (he hasn’t received any complaints yet, so at least he does it well quietly, aish.)

He is not pining. He isn’t.

And if he’d come to an abrupt halt in the middle of a busy street to many startled or annoyed protests the first time the magic ear he’d given to Qing Ming had warmed, no one needed to know, because Boya will take it to his grave.

It’s a process of years, but it is, regardless, a process. One Boya hadn’t much fought against after those first few nights spent agonising over it with the taste of wine sharp on his tongue. The fact that it came about even without the confusing presence of Qing Ming there to turn his life upside down resigns Boya to the belief that he is indeed quite pathetic, all told.

Still, he always answers, and still, he always eagerly goes where bid.

Boya wishes he could hate it.

Never more especially than the first time he meets a demon picking wildflowers of all things on an overgrown road obviously less travelled, (a small, unwashed slip of a thing in the guise of a child, with eyes too big when they’d met his and small, girlish hands clenching in fright around green stems) and lets it go.

He’d grasped the hilt of the blade carried at his back, fully intending to draw it when, inexplicably, he’d been taken in by the fear in its- her eyes and felt not like a righteous man, but a demon himself.

What is wrong with him.

He tells no one, and drinks himself into a stupor the next night. He ignores the wildflowers he finds outside his door the next morning.

It’s all Qing Ming’s fault. Him with his ridiculous exquisite robes and that stupid fan he hides those mischivous attractive smiles behind. Gods, he’s pathetic.

“Is this where your friend is waiting, Mr. Boya?” Small hands grasp and tug on the sleeve of his travel cloak, and Boya resigns himself, once again, to the lack of urge to shake them off.

“Mn.” He grunts in reply, and the little girl trailing at his side like some misshapen duckling beams, wildflowers in her hair.

How the mighty have fallen, he thinks as he weaves a path through the small village towards the tea house he’d been informed to meet at, freshly washed and happily bouncing demon child following at his heels. He has gone from mercilessly slaying demons to throwing the cute ones at someone always too happy to take them.

Divine Lord take him, he is so pathetic.

#bo ya #qing ming #onmyoji #the yin yang master: dream of eternity #my dumb writing #prompt fills #qing ming x boya #pre-slash

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birdymuses · 3 years

Note

💫 ( for Hanako? :) )

Send me a 💫 and I'll set my music player on random. I'll then pick my favourite line from the song that comes on, and write a Drabble whole ass fic oops based on it.

Words: 3,001

“I like you so much that it scares me,” he admitted, because he was a sinner and this was a sin and Nene’s arms were a confessional he’d gladly rot inside of.

To live, we're dying Why wouldn't we see our world as dark? But I won't spend time Resenting the way things are ♫

He looked at her sideways under the plump passing clouds, breeze blowing her hair around in a flurry as little rays of sunlight danced across her upturned face. This show in itself was so captivating to Hanako that only the threat of Nene’s ire was enough to turn his gaze away from her. It happened the same way all the time. She’d glance over and he’d settle down innocently, eager to appear natural and unassuming, and then he’d be’d be back just the same the moment she seemed preoccupied.

Afternoons on the roof included a lot of this sort of thing lately. Lots of “studying,” lots of goofing around, laughs and glances, tit for tat. Today looked to be about the same as always, save for the a row of gloomy clouds on the horizon. Way off in the distance loomed the threat of a dark end to their expanse of August blue. Picturesque as the the afternoon was, he supposed a storm couldn’t hurt. Even if it sent them back inside, it didn’t matter as long as he could be with Nene. And for now, he could be with Nene, if only for a little while longer. Hanako resolved that he wouldn’t spend time resenting the way things are.

It was a shame, though --the storm that came today, and the storm he knew he’d bring tomorrow. It would be a study camp for the ages, at least. One passed down as legend from student to student for at least a year or three. Nene would be mad at him as long as she had the wherewithal to, but even that would pass. After all, everything had to end, didn't it? Even this. Everything would always end around him even as he remained forever doomed to stay the same.

Lost in thought, Hanako nearly failed to notice Yashiro’s lack of commentary for this particular afternoon, but once he did notice, the silence was deafening. She had grown so quiet that Hanako feared he might need to roll over to wake her before the rain came in. Just as he sat up to do so, the familiar lilt of her voice broke the silence.

"Do you have regrets?"

Her voice was soft, reverently so, and she seemed to be deep in thought about something. He frowned. He did his best to read her question, coming up short in every respect.

"Regrets?" Hanako asked.

"Yeah, like...before you died. Were there things you wanted to do?"

Hanko balked at that, stuttering, buying time Some sick, needy part of him knew exactly where this was going and knew that he couldn’t bear for it to go there. On any other day it would be easy to grab hold of this conversation, to joke and lie in some bombastic manner that would make it all go away, but he couldn't shake the feeling that today was different. Her face remained alarmingly neutral, giving Hanako the distinct impression she wouldn’t let him slide this time. Her eyes bore into him, almost as though knowing that this was the last day they’d ever have to talk about this.

"You're not going to die," Hanako said direct and dismissively. He thumped back down onto the pavement. "I don't want to talk about this again."

"But if I do, die!" Nene huffed defensively, pushing up abruptly on her hands. “When I do!”

She loomed over him, scowling, and Hanako dared to think that she was pretty even then. Even clenched up and hot to the gills with irritation, she couldn’t escape being that way.

"I don't have much time left. You said it yourself! You said--"

"You're not going to die!" Hanako repeated impatiently. He rolled over to avoid her glare, which grew all the more dagger-like with each passing second. “I’ll make sure of it. You wont have regrets because you're gonna live a long life and find your first job and meet a hot guy and have a happy family and find all the time in the world for everything and anything you could ever want. You'll--"

Hanako snapped to silence, his teeth clattering painfully as he felt himself pulled back to face Nene. Leaving his gakuran unbuttoned had been a mistake, he noted, now effectively leashed by the permanent school tie he wore. The end of it was wrapped daintily around Nene’s palm, and her eyes glinted with a terrifying willingness to use it. He nearly found the voice to protest when Nene cut him off.

“Would you stop talking for once and just listen?”

Hanako’s jaw clamped shut immediately.

“Be honest with me. Why do you care so much?” Nene asked, her vise grip insisting upon his prompt and direct answer all the while. “If I die, I mean. I don’t have much time to figure this out and you won’t even let me talk about it. You’re the only person I could ever talk to who has experience with this, so why...?”

Hanako’s eyes had blown wide now, expecting something like comeuppance but wholly unprepared for the force of it. When he didn’t speak up fast enough, Nene continued, her tone growing frantic.

“Answer me! You’re a ghost, so why should you care if I live or die? What does it matter? It’s not--”

“It matters,” Hanako interjected, though he struggled to supply a reason. It shouldn’t matter, at least not to him. By all accounts Nene’s life was equally meaningless as his own, equally meaningless as anyone else’s, but...

“It just does,” Hanako said, his voice barely a whisper. “I wont let you die. So please, let’s not...”

Releasing the tie, Nene sighed deeply and settled back on the pavement. She seemed to recognize the brick wall before her as she pulled her knees to her chest, clearly unsatisfied, but apparently unwilling to have this argument again. All of a sudden it was over, just like that, quickly as it had begun. Hanako couldn’t do a mental victory lap, though, not while watching her deflate mere feet from him. He fidgeted guiltily, glancing between her and the view overhead.

“It matters,” He repeated at length. After a long few moments the silence between them had somehow circled back to being comfortable enough to break. Nene was good at that, Hanako observed. Making everybody comfy even when she could rightfully strangle them right then and there. Making everybody at home even when they didn’t deserve it. It was this kind of ease between them that made Hanako entirely too honest, and he shoved himself to say something before he could could think better of it.

“The world is lucky to have people like you living in it.” he said. “If I had known somebody like you when I was alive, I think maybe I would have had fewer regrets. So...take a long time.”

Take a long time to live. Take a long time to die. Take whatever time is needed to be free of the Near Shore when everything finally ends. Take every precaution to never end up wayward spirit, shackled for all eternity to a toilet. But Nene didn’t move, apparently not satisfied by that answer either.

Pulling the brim of his hat down over his eyes, he sighed.

“Sorry...”

“It’s okay,” Nene replied, a little too immediately for Hanako’s taste. The afternoon stretched on in agonizing slow motion.

The two lay in silence for a time, feigning some semblance of a usual day. As the clouds above knotted together in groups much thicker than before, Hanako wished he could be the same. He wished he could be knotted up somewhere, blending in and blowing by, not sticking out or prodding as the thorn he was doomed to be. The sky took on a drab gray and Hanako dimmed to match.

“I like you, you know?”

Hanako jolted up, nearly bashing his skull against Nene’s in the process. She was beside now, her face suddenly every inch as close as her voice led him to believe. Somehow, Hanako hadn’t noticed her drawing near. She grinned at his reaction, apparently delighted to have the upper hand for once, and batted playfully at the brim of his cap. The offending article tipped off of Hanako before he could catch it, leaving him exposed under Yashiro’s attention. He stifled a grin of his own. Her nerve was unfortunately always a delight.

“I like you, too,” he mumbled back. Because of course he did. Because it was normal and completely unprovocative for a friend to like their friend, and anybody with a pulse could immediately identify Miss Nene Yashiro as likable. Anybody with a pulse, and at least a handful without. The plausible deniability of it all might have been wonderfully deafening were the beating of Nene’s heart not doubly so.

The girl brightened somewhat and took Hanako’s hands in hers. She settled down on her knees within Very Serious Heart to Heart distance, apparently dead set on whatever point she had come over to make.

“I’m sorry you have regrets,” she began. Hanako nodded, indicating that he was in fact listening this time, even if it meant ignoring the powerful urge to contest that assertion.

“I’m going to die one day, whether you like it or not. Maybe today, or tomorrow, or next month...”

Hanako opened his mouth, but immediately snapped it shut again when he felt a warning yank at his tie.

“Even if it’s in 90 years!” she insisted, effectively neutering his commentary, “It doesn’t make a difference. I’ve decided that when I die, I don’t want to have any regrets. So starting right now, I’m going to do everything I want to do. Even the stuff that’s scary. And that means saying what I want to say even though it might turn out embarrassing.”

Nene was glowing scarlet now, her body shaking with the force of all the teenage hormones she had gathered to forge into this raw willpower. Her newfound gall was now a bludgeoning weapon, and Hanako its waiting victim. He gave her fingers a light squeeze, mentally pawing at anything he could think of slow this obvious freight train of a conversation. Its approach eclipsed everything, loud and speeding, promising to flatten every single protective measure he’d put in place up to now. Impulsively, he interrupted.

“You’ve already said that though. Before. You’ve said it, so it’s a silly thing to regret.” Don’t think about me. Don’t regret me. Don’t become attached to me.

Nene’s expression fell, unimpressed. It was the kind of face that had played games like this before--the ones where he derailed her point-- and she very clearly wasn’t interested in playing again.

“I wanted to say it again,” she defended, indignant. “I like you. I’ll say it as many times as I need to if you’re gonna keep being a dummy about it.”

She pushed him roughly, and Hanako grinned despite the turmoil inside him. His escape was suddenly in sight. He could make it embarrassing. He could make it a game. Playing in was the way out.

“Why do you like a dummy so much?” he teased, sitting up to take her hands again. He narrowed his gaze, practically daring her to say something sincere in this intimate position. Anything that he could gawk and laugh in her face about. Nene, familiar with this tactic, deflected.

“Why do I like a dummy so much?” she huffed aloud. Hanako was about to answer, when her face softened to something uncomfortably frank.

“Don’t tease me about it.”

A beat passed between them, and like that it was settled.

“...okay.”

He was always powerless against Nene’s wishes, it turned out. Ghost abilities notwithstanding.

The two sat in another uncomfortable silence, neither willing to engage again even inches apart. Even hand in hand. Nene’s frustration was always tangible in moments like these, thick and heavy in the air, a weight slamming down on Hanako’s shoulders and anchoring him for the remainder of the day. It wasn’t unfamiliar, he supposed. Even before Nene, plenty of people had tried and failed to get a satisfying conclusion out of him. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that dealing with him was akin to pulling teeth. It wasn’t like he didn’t do it on purpose. Nene wasn’t the first and likely wouldn’t be last, so why did it sting so much? He sighed, tightening his grip on her hands.

“I’ll say it again, too. If you want.”

No.

No, no, no, don’t do that. But Hanako was too selfish, too cowardly to do anything else. Not when every fiber of his being screamed to see her smiling again.

“I like you, Yashiro.” Releasing her hands, he moved to put his arms around her. “I like you a lot.”

Nene returned the hug immediately, emboldening that mongrel, clinging thing that thumped at Hanako’s heart, howling and whining for him to just fucking be honest for once. He inhaled deep, vomiting the words before he could stop himself.

“I like you so much that it scares me,” he admitted, because he was a sinner and this was a sin and Nene’s arms were a confessional he’d gladly rot inside of. “I like you so much that I daydream now, every day. And I have something to look forward to, every day. And I barely think about anything else lately, and I...”

Hanako trailed off, gasping desperately at air he did not need, trying to collect himself, trying to land on something. A point maybe? A reason for puking his metaphorical guts all over someone who would surely suffer for it.

“And, and...I need a next life, because I’m not satisfied to know you just once.”

Nene was stock still when he pulled away, her eyes blown wide, startled by a sincerity he’d never once offered even to her. For all her prodding, she apparently hadn’t foreseen anything quite so explosive as this. Then,

CRACCCK!!

A loud boom shook both of them from their stalemate, and Hanako looked away just in time to see a flash of lightning in the distance. All the fluffy clouds had turned dark now, signaling the imminence of rain.

“My rosemary!” Nene gasped, before remembering that she was in the middle of something kind of important.

“Hanako, I--”

“Go!” he said before he could stop himself. Before he could stop her. “Go get your plant, it’s fine!”

“I can’t just--” Nene glanced frantically between Hanako’s face and the garden below. The rest of the gardening club had almost certainly gone home by now, so their rosemary had little hope other than Nene herself if it wanted to avoid being drowned alive. Still, she didn’t seem eager to move. “Are you sure?”

Hanako nodded fiercely as the first drops began to fall.

“It’s fine, I don’t need another murder on my conscience. Get your plant.” He tried to smile, but couldn’t find the heart to.

Nene hesitated only a second longer before giving a reluctant nod.

“Okay.”

Then, with no preamble to speak of, Nene threw herself around Hanako once more, leaving a ferocious peck on his cheek. She whispered a hurried “thank you” before giving a firm squeeze. Then, just as quickly she pushed away.

“I’ll see you tomorrow!” she called, sprinting to the stairs, glowing brighter than he’d ever seen her. No rosemary plants would come to harm this day, and nor a single Yashiro so long as she didn’t fling herself down the stairs too hard. Hanako wasn’t sure he could say the same for himself.

And just like that he found himself alone, burning supernova, alight with the shock of it all. His eyes began to flood all on their own, attuned to the joy and horror that clashed inside of him in equal measure. Even as he tried to focus on the front of the school, the flood did not stop. He blinked hard, fixing his gaze on the same place as always, at the entrance where Nene would eventually appear, panting and calling at the guard to please wait just a second before closing the gate for the evening. She’d ran into that guard a lot lately. They’d been cutting things close lately. He’d let them cut things close.

Before long the sky tore open in earnest, but Hanako didn’t move. Even when he saw Nene at the gate, even after she was long gone, he remained affixed to the spot, soaked to the bone well before it occurred to him to become intangible. How could he have possibly let this happen?

He only had to wait one more day, and he couldn’t even do that much. One more day, twenty four measly hours, and Nene would have gone to study camp and things would worked themselves out. She’d be free of him forever, completely unaware of just how much she’d gained, unaware and happy, free, and alive. But Hanako couldn’t just give without taking, could he? That was how these things worked, after all. There was always a price when it came to wishes.

The storm that was always brewing in Hanako’s heart was real now, raging unbidden through his body, whirling overhead and pulling the leaves from nearby trees. Maybe he could just...not go through with it. Maybe he could stay here and Yashiro could live or die or whatever she wanted, and they could like and like and like each other all they wanted, and then...

He sniffled, stifling a sob.

No, that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? To keep being selfish. To let Nene waste all her time on somebody who had no time of their own left. To let her become tethered to this place, doomed to haunt it forever just like him. Doomed to live a wasted life and die a miserable death.

He sighed, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm. He couldn’t do that to her. He couldn’t be selfish again. This was just how things had to be, he thought, dragging himself into the stairwell at long last. Tomorrow somebody’s time would run out, but he’d see to it that it wasn’t hers. There was no sense in fighting it. This is just the way things are.

And I wont spend time resenting the way things are.

#thank you for indulging me I really love doing prompts like this #[Asks]#sheyearns #[Drabble]#[IC] Hanako #[IC] Nene #fluff to angst 3k #this probably reads like dogshit and probably has loads of pacing issues but #whatever just take it #it's been hours #I can worry about being a better editor if I cross post I guess ;A;

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bubblyani · 4 years

Text

Bail Out: 04

(Bruce Wayne x Reader)

A Bruce Wayne Multi-Chapter Series

Chapter 04: Thank You

Summary: One fateful, drunken night gets you arrested for assault. However, once you get bailed out by Billionaire Socialite Bruce Wayne, surprising obstacles get in the way, forcing you to question all your choices in life, career, and in love.

Word Count: 9000+

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Swearing

Author’s Note: This ended up longer than expected. But no regrets at all. I appreciate all the feedback I received so far from all of you. Hope you all enjoy!

Chapter LIST

The apartment remained still with silence, unchanging even with your own entrance. You certainly had many reasons to be thankful for that night. You were alive, you were safe. A taxi finally was kind enough to bring you back home. Yet, being grateful for that kindness was the last thing on your mind. Especially after what you secretly witnessed that night.

No wonder the skin over your left wrist was noticeably red, and stung with pain. Clearly the obvious response, when you have pinched yourself from disbelief countless times during the taxi ride. With the apartment all to yourself, you felt enough freedom to piece every puzzle together. You took in a deep breath.

How was it possible that Bruce Wayne, is Batman? And more importantly, how did you not even notice?

The thought kept running through your mind on a loop. Even when you slumped on the couch, even when you carelessly you kicked your shoes off. Where did they go flying? You simply did not care. The dress pants comforted your legs as you sat cross legged.You scoffed with disbelief.

The reasons for your defense were valid. You would gladly shout them from any rooftop. He was clever, he knew what he was doing. He was never fully revealed, and the understanding of light and shadow had assisted him in concealing himself amidst the darkness and the faint city lights that shone. Even paying attention to his voice, he had concealed himself in every possible way.

Should this not be a happy surprise for you? You thought. Bruce Wayne, the man you admired, the man you had secretly fallen for, was indeed The Dark Knight. The caped crusader of Gotham City, safeguarding it to the fullest of his capabilities.

But at that very moment, it came to your realization that the glory and the pride of it, was certainly not what you were focused about. That was definitely not the reason you felt your heart clench, breaking into two. Definitely not the reason you felt your nose grow sour, your eyes well up with tears. For that was just it.

How dare you not consider the darkness behind that confident smirk of his? How dare you not empathize with the man, constantly haunted by his past personal loss, victimized by the criminal underbelly of the city ? The man who seemingly and eventually was driven by his personal vengeance and pain to rid the city of all crime whichever way possible? All in the form of a vigilante? The man who still may be silently concealing his pain, burden and struggle all his life, whilst carrying such heavy responsibility on behalf of all others?

How could you not consider that side to the man you had fallen for? How could you be so insensitive?

You tasted the salty tears, whilst they trickled down like a waterfall. The guilt forced your face to contort with exaggeration as your heart gave out, and you broke into sobs. You sobbed loud, and with no shame.

A part of you was tempted to wonder why must you weep so much for him? Could this be real love? Even unrequited, could it still be so? Was that the reason for your heart to save such generous space inside, just for you to store in the purest form of all love, affection and concern, all for Bruce Wayne?

As your shoulders shook uncontrollably, as you felt the unavoidable stream of snot exit your nostrils, the difficulty of setting this man free from your heart was evident. Forgetting him would be impossible. Even more so now. For now, your love for him had increased in hundred folds. From now on, he would always be in the center of your affections somehow, for always. Even if he would never consider loving you back.

If he only knew how grateful you were to him every single time. If he knew of your sheer willingness to do anything in your power, just to him help him return somehow. Just to ease his pain one way or another.

The sudden vibration over your left thigh, caused you to shift your focus elsewhere. Sniffing, you pulled your phone out of your left pocket. You gasped.

But it was a gasp of happiness. It exited involuntarily from your lips the moment you laid eyes on the screen. The moment you read the message that caused you to chuckle, feel your heart warm even further, and cry out even louder with emotion.

"Hey! I'm HOME !”

Allison's voice boomed with the door opening. However her voice instantly quieted the moment she found you on the couch, bawling holding the phone. Overwhelmed with emotion, you did not seem to care of her discovery.

“Sweetie…” Allison murmured worriedly, closing the door slowly before taking a few steps, "Whats wrong?”

Looking at her, the tears kept flowing as you wondered. Was it your place to let her decipher the entirety of your tears? Or was it your responsibility to do was right? And reveal only that truly mattered? You chose the latter instantly.

“Lillian had the baby…” You said, mid-sob, “And it’s a girl…” you added, smiling as you bawled without limits. Never had you cried this way in simply ages. Allison covered her mouth with surprise. “Oh my god…” She began, however furrowing her eyebrows soon after, “Didn’t think it would make you this emotional but this is great…why you crying?” Her curiosity did not leave her. “I’M JUST HAPPY!…” Your sobs grew even louder. “Awww Sweetie!” Cooing with affection, Allison certainly felt maternal at that moment when she proceeded to comfort you. And you were not lying, you really were happy for Lillian. Exhilarated and relieved of her safe delivery. No wonder your tears suddenly had a diverse taste. No wonder your sobs grew so much stronger.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alfred Pennyworth stood strong and silent, permitting the container floor to lower down, and descend in to a large concrete chamber. The entire ceiling of said chamber hung low, illuminated with white fluorescent lights.

Walking past the Bat Pod parked in the middle, he found Bruce Wayne. He found him standing by the CCTV monitors and keyboards, with one hand pressing an ice pack over his right cheek, while the other held the black cowl mask, the one which seemed to be broken and had lost all its glory.

Suffice to say, there was indeed more to the eccentric billionaire than meets the eye. In the form of a secret identity, that must be protected at all cost, for the sake of this city: The Batman.

“Why are you doing this, Master Wayne?”

Alfred inquired, forcing Bruce to turn his head.

“Fixing my face?” Bruce answered back with another inquiry, his bare torso revealing fresh bruises, “Well, you know why, Alfred”

His stoic face unchanged, the older man took the ice pack from Bruce’s face.

“You know me well enough, to know that was not what I was asking…” he said, urging the young man to sit down, “Why are you so adamant on saving this one woman?” He kept inquiring, subtly keeping the ice pack over bruise on his cheek.

“She’s an innocent civilian…”

Taking the ice pack away, Alfred shot him a glance.

“Many innocent civilians get hurt all over the city, Sir” He stated, keeping the pack on the table, “However, you’ve been making sure she was of out of harm’s way, ever since you met her…” he said, grabbing a thin tube of medicine. “I wasn’t so successful, to be exact…” Bruce answered, grunting as Alfred dabbed the cooling gel over his cheek. “Nevertheless, you saved her, every single time” he said, “…and at a cost too…” Bruce did not reply, for he knew Alfred was right.

Ever since her presence entered his life with a ‘bruising’ reputation, Bruce Wayne had a feeling this woman had left the territory of safety, especially when she angered one of the most powerful men in Gotham City. Thus, ever since then, her safety was all that seemed important to him.

“Did Fox send you the tracker?” That inquiry rang in his memory so clearly. The inquiry he made to Alfred on the night of the Annual Charity Dinner. Fixing his bowtie, he accepted the small, black box from the butler’s hands. “Following someone, Sir?” Alfred questioned, putting his hands behind his as he stood smartly. Tilting his head, Bruce smiled: “More like, keeping a watchful eye…” he answered.

Bruce was careful, and inconspicuous. Little did anyone realize the sole reason for his attendance at the Dinner was for the safety of one woman. The tracker being in the shape of a pen, Bruce did not have any difficulty whatsoever to put it into her handbag. Certainly no difficulty, when he found her quite intoxicated at the VIP guest room in the Hotel.

And what a relief the tracker was placed. If not, the opportunity to rescue her from a group of muggers that night would have never been possible.

Although success was in his grasp, the guilt that soon followed took over him like a fever. Savior he can be, but never keen on playing stalker. In fact, the guilt overpowered sleep that night. Thankfully, other than guilt, he also had her wallet. An adequate excuse to visit her indeed. As luck would have it, she was always so cooperative involuntarily, providing him ample time to take the tracker out of her bag while she clumsily put her shoes back on. Surprisingly, her magnetic conversation and sense of humor tempted him to linger a little while longer, which provided him with some interesting information. And he would be lying if he did not enjoy it.

“Working Late, Sir?” Alfred’s curiosity was justified when he phoned him today. Especially when Bruce Wayne decided to stay back at work.

“Something like that…” Bruce answered, to which the butler chuckled from the other side of the line. “That will be a surprise, even for Mr. Fox”

His decision was all worthwhile, when he managed to rescue her once again from a much more dangerous form of attack early tonight.

“Nevertheless you saved her…every single time” Blinking the flashbacks away, Alfred’s current words echoed in his ears. Bruce sighed.

“Petty as it was...She stood up for me, Alfred” He replied hoarsely, getting up, “It’s not like I had many people standing up for me in my life…” he continued, as he stared at the several screens before him, one played the ‘The Bruiser’ viral clip on loop.

“Being Bruce Wayne, didn’t exactly open doors of trust or loyalty with many people around me” He said, “But she just…” pausing, he took his time before continuing, “…acted so recklessly, just for all that…just for me…”

Hands rested in his hips, where the elastic waistband of his pants hung, “And I feel like…I owe it to her…” his voice grew soft, “...especially when I have a feeling of who was responsible for all those attacks”

The security staff apprehended her on the video, while she hung her head low in embarrassment. The sight of it made him breath deep.

“I’ll never forgive myself if anything happens to her...” Bruce said firmly. Alfred could do nothing but smile softly.

“Something tells me this is more than you just being a Good Samaritan, Sir…” He said. All the sudden, Bruce chuckled quietly, turning to him. “I’ll let you be the judge of that…” he replied, shaking his head.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As the two empty bottles rested on the coffee table, you watched Allison come over to you, proudly holding on to two more beer bottles that she got from the fridge. Taking one from her hand, you smiled sheepishly.

“Are you trying to get me drunk?” You slurred jokingly. Squinting, Allison threw you an appalled look in such dramatic fashion. “Me?” She asked, “NOOO!!” she replied as she sat on the other corner of the couch, “Sweetie, We’re celebrating, remember?” “Yes! We are…” nodding, you cried out loud, raising your bottle to the air, “To LILLIAN’S BABY!!” Allison’s bottle joined in unison, which followed with cheers and whoops. A huge sip from the chilled bottle brought you comfort. “Ahhh...she’s gonna be a cute, cute baby…” you breathed, staring lovingly at the wall, “…with chubby cheeks and all…” you added, pinching your own cheek. Suddenly, you heard Allison begin to snigger. “What?” You inquired, looking her way. Keeping her bottle on her stomach, Allison lazily permitted her legs to lie over the coffee table. “Just..” She began, “I’m gonna miss this place when I finally move out…” An emptiness hit you on the heart in a flash, forcing you to turn to her. “You’re gonna leave?” You breathed. Glancing at your concerned expression, Allison’s smile disappeared. “Sweetie…” she said, her eyes catching your own, “I'm not expecting you to let me stay here forever…” taking a gulp from her bottle, she continued, “And besides, I owe you so…much…money” Shaking your head, you waved your hand fiercely with dismissal. “Ah! Fuck it” You replied, sitting back to stare at the wall again. Allison’s expression grew cold. “Sweetie…” her voice lowered, “You should be living in a fucking penthouse by now” “Mid grade penthouse…” you corrected her, still looking away, “…the better ones are too expensive" you muttered softly to yourself. “Whatever…” Allison replied, her gaze still on you, “But instead…you’re stuck here in this crappy apartment...with me-” “How dare you?” You inquired in a dramatic British accent, finally looking back at her, “This is cozy-” “Will you let me fucking finish?” Holding your hand out in defense, you slowly nodded. “Sorry….” You muttered, to which Allison sighed. “I’m gonna pay you back…”she promised with resolution, “And you’re gonna get out of here…” a smile appeared on her face, “You deserve a good life. You’re too good to me, Sweetie…” she said, rubbing your arm with affection, “We never should have been at the bar that night.” Silent, you took another sip. Allison sighed once again, looking at the window on your side. “You never should have stood up for me” she added, her deep voice echoing in the room.

Recollection of that fateful day she mentioned was inevitable. That day was your birthday, two years ago. Newly promoted to Senior Manager, the idea of celebrating both your birthday and promotion together with Allison seemed perfect. Celebrations did not necessarily require a group of people, in your opinion. Your ideal night of celebrating was nothing fancy. Fueling oneself with intoxication at the bar would soon be followed by a jam session at the karaoke bar. And food was definitely in the plan. You loved your Korean Barbecue. But when a Loan Shark dropped by the bar in search of Allison, you had a feeling those epic plans had to take a rain check. Surrounded by thugs, he exuded fear. “Allison, baby…” His drawl made your skin curl, addressing your friend, “You’ve been keeping me waiting long enough…I need my…money” he growled in procession. Debt, you disliked that word. Unfortunately, Allison was knee deep in it, with interest as well. Her partying personality definitely did not encourage her to be responsible as you were in life, and this was proof. His threats of violence and possible death were akin to sharp shooting bullets. Unwilling to remember this night bathed in blood, your intoxicated self became Allison’s bulletproof vest. “Sir! Sir! SIR!...” standing bravely in front of your roommate, you slurred out loud, “Worry no more!” your assurance was dramatic, making his eyebrows furrow. “We got your money...” you claimed, to Allison’s shock, “All I ask you is…” you paused, in all seriousness, causing everyone in the bar to hold their breath in silence: “Do you take Checks?” As you wrote off the amount, you wrote off your chances of moving into a better apartment, and a better life. Yet, you were far from regretful.

“Well!” you said, shaking that memory away as you were intoxicated with chilled beer, “No one was gonna ruin my birthday with my Bestie!” Your words were filled with pride, and every word was said from the heart. “You said the exact same thing that day…” Allison said, making you look back at her. Emptying your bottle with one last swig, you moved the bottle from your hand to the table. “And I still mean it…” you assured. Allison’s eyes, they grew warm. Warm to the point they shone with tears. Slowly standing up, she began to walk over to you. “Ali, what’s with that look?” You inquired, as she sat right next to you, “Wait what are you-Ahahah!” With your giggles, it was certainly too late to answer, when her tight hug surprised you. “Awww Sweetie…” Allison cried, her tone muffled with her face pressed against your hair. “Ali…” you began, as your giggles paused, “I think I'm gonna hurl-” “What? Eww! ” Allison yelled, moving away as if she touched fire. Only when she saw you guffaw, did she realize there really was nothing to hurl. “I’m kidding! I’m kidding...come here…” You giggled, pulling her pouty self over for another hug, “Awww…..What would I do without you, Ali?” And right you were. Life was just so much richer, with your best friend beside you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Unknown Number

Those two words stared at you from the phone screen in your Recent Calls. Whilst walking down the lobby of Wayne Tower the next morning, you were relieved no hangover haunted you .Which left you ample time to let him haunt you instead. The elevators seemed to be surprisingly busy today, forcing you to stand in front of one. Still staring at the phone, you could not help but wonder. Would that number still work if you were to contact him somehow? This strange curiosity made you restless. For you longed to act one single urge: Thank Him. Selecting the ‘Message’ option, you mindlessly began to form a text:

Thank you for last night

Your eyebrows were raised. Maybe the wording should not end so ambiguously. In fact it seemed too perverted. You scoffed, never did you expect of considering sending ‘a text’ to Batman himself. The mere idea was simply ridiculous. But, did not hurt to try. Pressing the backspace button a few times, you stared at the only words that remained:

Thank you

Finally, you smiled. With your thumb twirling around the screen, you typed away to complete it:

Thank You again.

Taking a deep breath, your thumb moved over to send, only to be responded with the following message:

Cannot be Sent.

Shaking your head slowly, you sighed. Of course, it could not be sent. It was an unknown, untraceable number for a valid reason. Bruce Wayne was smart, thus you respecting him even more. It was a failed attempt, yet you commended yourself for taking a step of bravery. Ding! Seemed your focus had taken you further enough to ignore all that surrounded you. For the sound of the elevator tempted you to finally look up from your phone. A gasp left you, when the free elevator was in the midst of closing with just one woman inside it. “Wait!” You cried out, “Stop!” You said, running towards the door. The woman however, stood still with a cold stare whilst the doors fully closed before her. Leaving you behind. Embarrassed and annoyed, You huffed. “Rude” You muttered under your breath with a sigh. It was certainly one of those unfortunate days you would encounter a bad egg. Not that rude folk were rare in Gotham. It was certainly the opposite. But still, Wayne Tower had only a few. Just before you could wallow in it, the other elevator luckily opened up to your rescue a few seconds later. Heading to the 8th floor, you felt your luck had changed back. Life gifted you a second chance. But the moment you finally stepped out of the elevator, it was clear it was playing a prank of you. “Ma’am…Can I help you?” You called out confidently, addressing the woman who stood peeping through the main door with suspicion. The same, cold woman who deprived you of the elevator earlier. The moment she turned, you spotted the Visitor Name Tag on her, standing at the same height as you did. Her loose, brunette hair reached up to her shoulders, framing her rectangular shaped face. Her entire presence, it exuded confidence. And simultaneously, her aura exuded an impression you just could not stand. “Ah!” She said, nonchalantly. Her tone was simply too casual, given the fact she just was rude to you earlier, “You work in HR?” “Why else would I be here?” You replied, suddenly aware of the sass that included in your tone. Too late, it was out of your control. However, she smiled. “Then perfect…”, her plump lips revealing a perfect set of teeth in between, “I’m Clara Bennett…” as she extended her hand: “Your new HR Consultant” Taking her hand for a firm shake, you silently prayed for Lillian’s support to hover over you like a guardian angel.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The moment Clara Bennett set foot in to Wayne Enterprises, Lillian Foster’s absence was noticed. Assigning a Consultant to oversee the process in the HR Department seemed quite sudden, and frankly very offensive. Especially since no form of corruption or disruption of operations had occurred in the recent past. You were clearly at fault here. It was evident that this could be the company making amends with Henderson Incorporated by making an example out of you. Such a shame it had to be for a you could not professionally take credit for. Being the first day without the presence of the Head, a Departmental Briefing was in order. But with Clara’s appearance, you were hesitant to carry forward.

“No please…” Clara insisted, politely, “Please proceed. I’ll be more than happy to listen in…” Her introduction was made, formalities met as everyone gathered around the Oval Table in the Conference Room. Though she flashed her smile, you could not help but feel a sense of threat by her. This was not the type of threat in relation to appearances or the usual nonsense. Granted, she was a beautiful Mixed, Hispanic with attractive features and a confident personality. But it was the coldness that was brought along with it that sent signals of warning to you. Yet, then again, this could possibly be your first impression whispering you in the ear and poisoning your mind.

“Right…” You began, “…moving on to other matters. First of all..." wearing a huge grin, you continued, "The news is true...Lillian did have her baby. And it's a girl..." The cheers and applause that followed could make anyone wonder if you just announced the score of a NFL match. Happiness was infused in your system. No matter what, it was a relief to observe everyone’s love and respect for Lillian. It certainly proved the strength and effectiveness of her leadership. Something you aspired for have yourself. "Yes, we should all be very happy that they are both safe and well..." you added, chuckling out loud as the applause continued, "But now, on to business..." The crowd quickly grew silent. Pride came over you to have that effect on them. "As I recall...there were some tasks that were pending from Lillian's side, which I hope everyone was patient with… " you eyed all those who sat, who collectively nodded, "But Good News, before she left, she had given her decisions after discussing with Management...” you declared, opening your notebook, “...and I will update them all point...by poin-"

A loud cough. An unpleasant one exited Clara’s lips in interruption, causing all heads to turn. You looked her way in a flash.

"Ms. Bennett...Are you alright?" You asked, concerned. Clara nodded, with her hand on her mouth. "Yes...carry on..." her answer may have been polite, yet her smile seemed restrained. Ignoring it, you looked back at your colleagues. "As I was saying..." You paused, "What? why the smiles..." You inquired, for all of them merely smiled at you with excitement. Inciting laughter as he raised his hand like schoolboy, Greg cleared his throat before he responded: "If I can speak freely...” he said,”...and If Clara doesn’t mind ...” he looked at her, who kept her tight smile preserved, “It's just strange for us to see you doing this Briefing instead of Lillian..." Chuckling back, you nodded in agreement. “I know..." You said, "Believe me, it's weird for me too..." You added, maintaining eye contact with possibly everyone you looked at, "But I hope we all can get through this time working harder than before..." With your years of experience, you were skilled in maneuvering your voice into the seriousness that was required for a pleasant persuasion, changing the aura in the room to a more understanding one. Many nodded in agreement. "Okay..." you said, proceeding to look at your notes "Regarding the Counseling Team Idea making Monthly rounds....” cheerfully, you clasped your hands together, “Good News! Mr. Fox loves the idea...It's a GO!" Your cheer and enthusiasm had translated into a few cheers amongst the group who seemingly had suggested, while the others were quite impressed. "Great Idea everyone..." Your smile expanded, giving thumbs up to the younger colleagues, "This is why we need more younger minds in this department-”

Another cough. A longer, irritating cough filled the room. With no surprise whatsoever, you turned to Clara. And this time, it felt quite personal. "Do you need a cough drop or something, Ms. Bennett? Cause I can personally get you one..." "No…No don’t mind me..." Clara shook her hand, "Please carry on with your...uh..." she paused, shooting a glance at the table, then yourself, "…briefing..." as her smiled died for a split second.

Though anger bubbled within your core, a smile was all that you could maintain. The show must go on. You resumed the Briefing, providing the updates necessary. You were hell bent on effectiveness and speed, making sure no man was left bored or uninterested. Thus, leading to a successful finish.

"Ms. Bennett...”

Clara turned, upon hearing your call. With the rest already vacated, the conference room was left with no one but the two of you, “May I speak to you in private?"

Looking around, She nodded. With the door open, your hands remained folded as you stood before her.

"The little cough stunt...", you began, smiling, "I know what that means...“ you said, although your smile was nowhere close to friendly, “...something is definitely not sitting right with you..." you raised your eyebrows, "Am I right?”

You were no fool. You would rather trim the hedge before the worst. Though Clara opened her mouth, no words escaped. Ultimately chuckling, she put her hands on her hips, looking right at you:

"Look...” she began, “I don’t want to be the bad guy on the very first day but...." "But?” you inquired, showing your palms, “Please, I would really appreciate your feedback..."

The tension was high, and so was your impatience. Clara simply shrugged. “I'm just….” pausing, she sighed, “...a little disappointed in your communicative skills as a leader..." You froze. "Oh...." You muttered monotonously, "I see..." Confused, you folded your arms again, lost in mid-thought as she began to leave. Only a few seconds later, it suddenly hit you.

"Wait a second..." You uttered, forcing her to stop, "In what way exactly?" You inquired. Suddenly her opinion had affected you more than one had realized. Clara looked at you as if you were a science project, difficult to comprehend.

"You're too...." She said, eyes squinting “...amiable..." her answer seemed resolute, "...and that shows weakness..."

The moment she finally left the room, you had never felt so insulted. In all your years working in Wayne Enterprises, no one in Management had criticized your skills in this manner, not even Lillian. What on earth did she just observe, for her to make that sort of assumption?

The heavy, hurried footsteps of Greg approaching the Conference Room shook your from these toxic thoughts.

"Boss..." He panted; You turned to him in shock as he continued:

"We got a problem!”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Arguments and disagreements, a usual element in the average universal workplace. And mediating said disagreements was definitely a skill you were trained for from the beginning.

But to stop actual altercations? You would have to think twice on that.

Making your way down to the lobby with Greg by your side, a huge crowd was in your sight in the middle of the lobby. When security calls in to say an HR colleague was involved, no one would have blamed your impatience as you made your way through the crowd to the front. You gasped:

"Oh my god...Is that Caleb?" You cried to yourself.

Caleb Brown, one of your juniors, was never a troublesome kid. An innocent new recruit, he impressed you always with his patience. Yet for some unexpected reason, there he was, standing head to head with another staffer, hands tightly on each other’s collars.

"Gentleman...” Your voice was calm when you addressed them, “Come on...Whatever this is, let’s settle this like adults-HEY HEY!”

Calmness was difficult to maintain, for the atmosphere grew violent. Caleb met the floor in an instant when the other stronger young man pushed with him anger. Kneeling next to him, you held him by the shoulders.

"Caleb...” you breathed, “You're okay-HEY! Caleb NO!..." Your reflexes acted out in a flash, restraining him when he attempted to get back up in defense. Embarrassed, he looked at you, "Why not?” he hissed, “You fought back when Henderson talked shit about Wayne! " Your face tensed. Touché, Caleb! “That's nothing to do with this..." you answered curtly and quietly. “But why can’t we fight back when this jerk talks shit about us?" Caleb asked, louder than expected, amplifying the conversation. Caleb’s opponent, seemingly not from your department , laughed out loud.

“What did I tell you, everybody? Like Senior, like Junior, right?” He slurred out in the voice of an entertainer “Why am I not surprised about this Bruiser bitch?”

The curious buzz grew louder. Your cheeks heated up, uncomfortable to the fullest. The fact The Bruiser reputation kept following you like a shadow was more than you could take. Regardless, that man’s attitude was far from professional. “Alright… ENOUGH!” Your thundering voice sliced through the buzz, shushing the entire crowd. Aggressive may be, yet full of control.

“I don’t know what exactly happened between the two of you...” your voice grew calm with expertise , “...but this is not the professional way to do things…And you!” you exaggerated, pointing at the rude young man, “That was certainly not the way to address anyone here…let alone your superiors…” You continued, as pin drop silence ruled the lobby. Taking a deep breath, your gaze turned deadly, “This is very disappointing....Both of you…upstairs for Mediation…now!”

Pointing towards the elevator, you watched the two young men follow Greg upstairs. With the crowd dispersing, the fear in the atmosphere was evident more than ever. As much as it assisted you, it frustrated you as well. Could this actually mean the Bruiser reputation was taking a bigger toll on your career at Wayne Enterprises?

You sighed heavily, the moment you saw Clara within your sights, standing next to the Elevator, with possibly a judgmental look on her face.

So much for a professional first impression.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Ted!” You said, answering the phone, “How did it go?” With the mini altercation yesterday in needing of a resolution, you were desperate for assistance. Being the current leader of HR, it should have been your rightful place to take unbiased charge of the conflict resolution. However, with Caleb involved, your participation was simply a symbol of biased treatment. Thus, Ted Hawthorne from Legal was called in to undertake the Mediation. And from his tone, it was clear it went well.

“Well, thanks to this little fiasco…” Ted replied, “…we managed to do some good after all…” “Mind elaborating?” You inquired, sneakily watching Clara engage with the junior staff outside your office. “The other junior guy…” Ted continued, “Leonard Attwell…He was drunk at the time, hence the badmouthing and the altercation” “What on earth?…” you gasped, “Those are so many violations altogether…” “Exactly, so long story short…we caught a bad apple…” “Thanks so much for coming in, Ted” you replied, sighing with relief, “Now we can finally start the formal process on him…” “No problem, kid” Hanging up, you kept watching Clara making her rounds. With the incident she witnessed yesterday, it would not be surprising if she was on her personal mission dig dirt on you and the department itself. Shaking your head, you proceeded to skim through a few Survey Reports. The moment the phone rang once again, you were pleasantly surprised by the sight of the extension. “Hey! Jessica” you answered cheerfully, “How are you?”

 “Hey! uh…” Jessica’s response echoed in your ears,“It’s Mr. Fox. He wants to see you” Your eyes widened. “Shit…” you muttered inaudibly, as your eyes closed shut with desperation.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Lucius Fox, was never the unpleasant person in your eyes. Ever since he was promoted to CEO a few years ago, he certainly displayed an unorthodox and humble quality to the most powerful position in the company. Yet, his wish to see you caused some concerns. Given your recent troubles at work.

“Thank You, Jessica…” Addressing his assistance at the door, he guided you into his office, “Please take a seat”. he said, as you both sat down. It was indeed an honor to be in his presence once again after a while. “You know…” he began, “ I realized I remember you from somewhere…” “Sir?” “Ah yes! ” he smiled, the velvet voice soothing your ears, “Weren’t you the Manager who recommended that Restaurant? When Dr. Kim visited…” “Oh…right…yes” You nodded, shyly.

Few years ago, when Fox was just the Head of Applied Sciences and Mr. Earle was CEO, you had dropped by one day to acquire certain clarifications on a project that required HR approval. Except when you did, you had stumbled on to Fox conversing with an Elite Group of Scientists from South Korea. Greeting them with the little Korean you knew, Fox was pleased when you even went out of your way to recommend your favorite Korean Restaurant at the Diamond District to them.

Fox laughed out loud, surely reminiscing that moment himself. “Fantastic Barbecue meat…” he exclaimed, “And the Soju* helped them improve their English.” He chuckled, “I have a feeling that night really strengthened ties between us” As much as you wanted laugh and share this merriment, concern took over your thinking space. “Mr. Fox-” you began meekly. “You must be wondering why I asked you up here...” Fox began, to which you nodded, “More or less, yes” Smiling, He took his glasses off. “I wish to thank you for diligently working on behalf of Lillian...” You smiled shyly. Being a kind gentleman, he contained a reliable sense in him. And still in charge of the Applied Sciences Department, a part you wondered if he was ever in relation to Bruce Wayne’s secret activities. “And er…” he went on, “…regarding the assault incident with Mr. Henderson-” Suddenly your heartbeat increased with panic. “I know” you nodded frantically, prepared to face the gallows “…it was highly inappropriate-” “Quite the contrary…” Fox replied, “Personally I believe that man needed to be taught a lesson…” You never intended to drop your jaw, yet it did. Fox smiled. “…but then again… that opinion will not cross these walls” he said, looking at you. Chuckles from both sides soon followed.

“Of course…” you agreed, pointing at yourself, “ HR…confidential…” imitating closing your mouth as a zip, “It’s safe with me” you added, nodding. Given his pleasant nature, you wished you had known him better before.

“Speaking of Confidential…” Fox began, bending to his side“…there is another reason I called you up here…” he said, opening a drawer, “A favor, more like…” Now highly curious, you leaned forward:

“Sir?”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Okay...Breathe!” You muttered to yourself, as soon as the doors of the elevator opened. When Lucius Fox requests you to take a certain black box over to Bruce Wayne’s penthouse, you could not refuse. Personally, you did not want to either. Yet, it raised one burning question.

“Why me?” You remembered inquiring in an instant, genuinely curious. Clasping his hands together, Fox smiled. “I’ve heard of your talent...”He said, “…with confidentiality...even from Ms. Foster. And so I don’t think I can trust this with anyone else but you...”

Pressing your pink lips together, you returned to the present as you stepped into the Wayne Penthouse. Ever since the fire that broke out at Wayne Manor, all were aware that Bruce Wayne stayed at his penthouse.

The click of your heels were louder than usual. And it was quite strange. “Mr.Wayne? Hello?” You cried out, looking around “ Anyone here?”

To your disappointment, no one seemed to occupy the place. Yet that certainly did not forbid you from your breath being taken away, for it was Bruce Wayne’s home. The penthouse was indeed gorgeous. And gigantic, of course, the he dream home you aspired to have. Maybe a tad bit fancier but nevertheless, you were awestruck. Putting your handbag and the other bag on the marble kitchen counter, your feet guided you around with your hands behind your back.

Fascinated by the loud clicks your heels emitted, you were suddenly urged to vocalize a number of distinct sounds.You snapped your fingers, eagerly listening to the effects that bounced back. Impressed by the sound effects, you felt at ease. You were entranced to the point to of imagining yourself to be the owner of this wonderful residence. In your mind, you were the hostess, surrounding yourself with guests of all classes and colors in your evening party. Smiling at your imaginary guests, you raised your imaginary champagne glass:

“Good Evening Everyone…Thank you so m-” “Ahem!”

You quickly spun to find an elderly gentleman standing behind you. Dressed smartly, he seemed quite familiar. Embarrassed, you chuckled nervously: “Sorry just that…” you muttered, “The acoustics here are just…bonkers” That was your defense, and it was very weak. Your inner self cringed hard.

However, the older gentleman smiled. “Couldn’t agree more, Miss…” he replied, “Bonkers it is…” Chuckling, you stood straight. “You must be Mr. Pennyworth…” You said, extending your hand out to him. Holding it, he shook it firmly, “Please call me Alfred…Miss-” You offered him your name. “I was asked...” you began, walking over to the counter, “...by Mr. Fox to deliver this to Mr. Wayne.” You said, pulling out the black box from your bag, “... But since he’s not here, I guess I could entrust this to you” “I will make sure Mr. Wayne gets it” Alfred said, taking it from you. Though relief washed over you, it did not feel like the time to leave. “To be quite honest...” you paused, folding your arms “I don’t know why Mr. Fox even entrusted me with this in the first place…” You said with honesty. With the same small smile on his face, Alfred put the box inside his jacket. “Perhaps you are highly gifted with the power of Trust…” He pointed out. Chuckling, you tapped your foot. “No wonder I do this job…” “Would you like some tea?” Your eyes widened with surprise as Alfred suddenly asked, “Would appreciate the company” Moved by his amiability, you smiled brightly, “Sure, why not”

Sitting by the marble counter, you willingly offered to serve him the tea in return, pouring it and fixing up with milk. Given the look on his face, it was safe to say Alfred Pennyworth enjoyed being treated. The conversation that took place in between consisted of your work history at Wayne enterprises, and his own history with the Wayne family. You were more than fascinated.

“...and I’ve been looking after Master Wayne ever since” Alfred said. Stirring the tea with a small spoon, you beamed. “Wow! Mr.Wayne is so lucky…” you began, “..to have someone like you by his side all this time. I’m glad” you added, sipping your tea. With your recent, secret discovery about Bruce, You meant it in every way. Alfred chuckled. “I’m finding it quite difficult to believe you’re the one called ‘the Bruiser’ in the news” “Ah!” Setting the tea down on the counter, your eyes averted his gaze. “You saw…” “I’m afraid I did” Taking another huge sip for courage, you looked over at Alfred. “Now I that I have your attention Alfred, I just gotta ask” you said, keeping your hands over your lap gracefully, “ Did my...little stunt upset Mr.Wayne?” You inquired, “ I really hope I didn’t give him a bad impression” You realized how concerned you were. His expressions were subtle, Alfred’s. Thus, his response was difficult to decipher. Setting his own cup and saucer on the tray, he turned his gaze to you.

“I know it is not my place to say, but I certainly don’t think you did” He answered. For some reason, the fact that the closest person to Bruce Wayne thought this way, brought a sense of assurance to yourself. You smiled fully.

“You’re too polite, Alfred” You murmured gently. Tilting his head, Alfred was curious. “And what makes you say that?” “Cause …” you paused, eventually smirking “...you’re British” A weak line, yet both of you could not stop chuckling.

“Would you like a biscuit, Miss?" 

“Why yes, thank you…”

Biting into a soft buttery cookie, happiness coursed through you like the air into your lungs. It certainly felt a privilege to feel comfort in Bruce Wayne’s home. In Batman’s home? No! In Bruce Wayne’s home. You saw Alfred look down.

“Going to a birthday party?” He asked, pointing at the wrapped box that hid inside a shimmery paper bag. Giggling, you looked at him.

“Funny enough, it’s something close…”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Unpopular opinion it way be but, you had nothing against Hospitals. Nothing bad nor good, you were simply neutral to them. Even the smell never bothered you. Once you acquired the necessary information from a friendly administrator, you walked through the hallway over to the area of the hospital rooms. Excited you were beyond all measure.

However, the excitement was suddenly cut off when your phone rang. It was a number you had not saved.

“Hello?” You answered with confidence,“Yes, this is she...who is this?”

“Uh…this is Blake....” a male voice answered back, “Officer John Blake...”

The speed of your walk began to decrease. You remembered this voice. In fact you instantly remembered his face. The face of the officer who had to apprehend you that fateful Friday night.

“Oh wow...Officer...” you began, thoughts suddenly turning blank “Umm...” Truthfully, you were speechless. Suddenly, multi tasking seemed so difficult as you were trying to scan every patients room you passed by.

“Ma’am...are you okay?” Blake inquired through the line. Stopping on your tracks, you sighed.

“I don’t know...am I?” Your own responsive inquiry seemed dramatic. “I’m sorry Officer...” You sighed, “I normally don’t have the cops calling on me like this...” Concerned, you continued, “I feel like Gotham PD is now under the assumption that I’m up to no good all the time ...” you said as you continued to walk in long strides.

“Oh trust me...” he chuckled but seriously at the same time, “We know you are not...” “Pardon?” Now your curiousity grew even more. Clearing his throat, Blake seemingly decided to avoid going further. “Would it be possible to schedule a meeting tomorrow?” he asked, “It’s urgent.” Finally stopping in front of one particular room, you felt your concentration shift somewhere else. “Sure, Officer…” you breathed, “ Come by tomorrow whenever...” “Thanks...” Hanging up, you smiled brightly at what you saw in the hospital room. You smiled at the beautiful woman sitting on the bed, cradling a baby in her arms. Feeling your attention on her, she caught your gaze. Holding the baby close to her, she smiled: “Look, baby....” she whispered, “Guess which Aunty is here to see you?”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

If chance had permitted, You would have gone to see Lillian the very next night after giving birth. But with her own family members crowding her room, she insisted you visit her the day after, giving ample peace and quiet for the both of you to freely converse. And also, for you to fawn over her baby girl.

“Awww honey…you shouldn’t have…”

Lillian said, opening your box to pull out a pair of comfy pajamas, while you were busy holding the precious infant in your arms. You adored the way her big eyes looked into yours. As you held her, you wished for all your love and energy to flow into this little human, giving her enough strength and confidence to start a life as any amazing woman should, comprised of self worth and self love.

“As long as you like it, Lillian…” you said, looking at your Boss. Even without makeup, she still looked so beautiful. “She looks like you, you know” you pointed out, giving the baby to her. Looking at the little one, Lillian tilted her head in doubt. “Mom says she’s got Mark’s nose though…” “Huh!…” you muttered, looking up in mid-thought, “…maybe…” “Eh!” Lillian replied, as you chuckled together. Your smile did not seem to fade, sitting on the chair next to the bed. Finally, Lillian looked at you in all seriousness. “So…how’s the Consultant?” Sighing heavily, you took your shoes off. “Difficult…” you said, “It’s like Life just decided to put someone right in my face, just to question my every move…” you used your hands in exaggeration, “and…Get this! She says I’m too amiable for a leader…” you added, making Lillian furrow her eyebrows, “Apparently it…” you took a breath to raise your voice, “‘shows weakness’ ” imitating Clara with air quotes. Lillian laughed out loud. She was one of the very few people who laughed at your jokes and adored your expressions. Come to think of it, her display of appreciation was quite similar to Bruce Wayne’s. Oh no! The mere image of his amused expression warmed your heart once again. This man, seriously. You breathed deeply. The baby cried, moving her arms about. Cradling her effortlessly, Lillian looked at you with a smile. “Well…” she began, “ If your job is to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning” Pausing, she anticipated your own response. Suppressing a smile, you leaned forward as you continued it for her: “And if it’s your job to eat two frogs,” you quoted, coming to realization, “ it’s best to eat the biggest one first…” you said nodding, “Mark Twain…” you stated. Lillian chuckled. “Atta girl…” she said, clapping her thigh with one hand. You shook her head, smiling. Lillian would always throw all these trivia at you throughout the years, you finally ended up catching them. A heavy feeling silently entered your heart, forcing you to sigh deeply. “Ever since that incident with Henderson…” you said, rubbing your hands together, “I feel like my life is going through some changes…” you clasped them together, “I can literally feel it…It’s insane…” you added, crossing your legs. Lillian merely shrugged her shoulders. “Who knows?” she said, “Maybe you are going through something…” she continued, “Something important…” That just caused you more pressure. What exactly was important? Was almost getting killed twice have something to do with it? Which led you think, why were you even targeted that way? But you did not want to go down that rabbit hole of curiousity. Not now. “Excuse me, Ma’am?” A middle aged man knocked on the open door, capturing both of your attention, “I got a special delivery for a Ms. Foster….” Dressed in a gray jumpsuit, he read out from his clipboard: “…. from Mr. Bruce Wayne�� Your eyes widened. Lillian merely scoffed in disbelief. “What could he possibly brin-Oh my God!” She exclaimed, the moment he brought in a huge box on a handcart. With a dropped jaw, you stood up in a flash. “A Stanley’s Deluxe Baby Crib.” You breathed, clutching your chest, “That is one expensive crib” “Please, let us know when you head home, Ma’am. Mr.Wayne has already paid the Delivery and Installation Fees for the Crib” the man said politely, as you took the clipboard to sign behalf of Lillian. Getting up from the bed, she held the baby as she looked at the box with shock. Once you watched the man leave, you looked over to catch Lillian’s happy expression. “Never knew Mr.Wayne would be this generous…” you said, to which Lillian laughed joyfully. “Well, if this is how he’s gonna thank me for working 20 long years here, then I’ll take it…Ooooh look at this, baby! This gonna be your bed…Thanks to Uncle Wayne!!” she was gleeful, running her hand over the box. Chuckling, you felt nothing but peace at that very moment. Lillian deserved this. And you were relieved Bruce Wayne felt the same.

Leaving her to rest, you walked out of the room, when the phone vibrated. Taking a good look, you involuntarily found yourself sink down to one of the waiting chairs in order to process what you just received. A text message.

Did Ms. Foster like the gift? This is Bruce Wayne, by the way.

Smiling so brightly at the screen, you were in complete disbelief of what you read. Never did you imagine Bruce Wayne to text. But also, with all sorts of online Messenger applications that now existed for phones, you never expected a classic phone text in this day and age either. With both your thumbs ready, you formed a response.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance on text :). And yes, she loved it. But how did you know?

Pressing send, you got up, pleased to even receive a text of the sorts as you resumed to walk. Except the phone vibrated once again with his response.

Alfred.

You beamed. His answer made perfect sense for you did disclose to Alfred of your plans. While walking, you replied soon after:

That’s kind of him.

You wrote. Except before sending, you were tempted to write further:

But, wait! How did you get my number?

Now standing in front of the hospital elevator, it did not take long for the phone to vibrate once again.

Alfred.

Liar, you thought, chuckling. But his effort to be inconspicuous was what you appreciated highly. His own humor as well. The elevator opened and even closed after a minute. Yet you did not leave. For you just kept staring at your phone. There he was, Bruce Wayne, the man behind the mask of Batman, forming something as simple as a text connection with you. When you longed to connected with the Dark Knight, this gets handed out to you in a silver platter. The only difference being, him not really knowing what you actually knew. However, a part of you wondered if this was the opportunity you should grasp before it could slip out of your fingers forever. Taking a deep breath, your thumbs got to work:

Thank you again Mr. Wayne

With confidence, You pressed send. Along with that message, you sent out your full gratitude not only for the man who bailed you out, but also for the man who saved your life twice. And when the phone vibrated once again, it was certainly the icing on top to a surprisingly lovely day.

You’re welcome.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The moonlight filtered over the huge, open balcony in the exquisite mansion without any discrimination. The waves of the swimming pool below reflected on the older man who stood by the edge of the balcony, sipping a glass of whiskey in his silk night robe. Even in his lonesome, he could not find a shred of happiness to fill his face. How could he, when he always fueled himself with hate? Born into privilege like any one in a rich family, Erik Henderson was the type to be spoiled rotten, and grow cruel in the process. Growing old in that privilege, he certainly perfected getting away with anything. He had the wife, the son yet he was never fulfilled. For all he wanted was power. That also included power in the corporate world. For example, dominating his rival: Wayne Enterprises.

Though his nose was healed, the embarrassment he faced that fateful Friday night by the hands of a mere nobody, still lingered in his mind much more deeper than a scar. Inhaling through his teeth aggressively, he stared at the sky, delving into his hate in silence.

“You called?”

Startled, Henderson spun around to face a dark figure hidden in the shadows. With it’s robotic and undecipherable voice, it finally forced Henderson to calm himself down upon recognizing the figure.

“Jesus!” he spat. “Could you stop doing that, Alpha?” “Occupational hazard, I’m afraid…” the voice replied, nodding in apology. Gulping down the drink, Henderson slammed it on the drink trolley. “Two times…” he said, showing two stubby fingers, “Two fucking times…and still you couldn’t kill her?”he snarled angrily, “WHAT DID I PAY YOU FOR?” “Correction…” Alpha replied, politeness balanced, “You only paid a fragment of what was promised, Mr. Henderson” Huffing in anger, the old man rubbed his temples. “At first you said a simple mugging job would do the trick…” he said, “And when that didn’t work out, I at least thought the sniper and your assassin would finish the GODDAMN JOB…” He scoffed in disgust, “But all of them were no match for her. Not with that Batman in the way…” with his hands on hips, he turned around, “I forgot that bastard was around…” he muttered to himself.

“Perhaps, I can step in instead…” Alpha’s reply made him turn back. The moonlight merely highlighted the outlines of the figure dressed in dark camouflage attire. The way it had disguised itself, deciphering its identity was a dead end.

“Given my observation…” it began, this is becoming much more interesting than one expected…” folding its hands, it continued, “Only with your generous payment, of course…”

Grunting in acknowledgment, Henderson pointed at Alpha.

“As long as you can get rid of her…” he demanded, “No HR bitch from Wayne Enterprises is going to insult Erik Henderson…and keep on living!”

——————————————————

Chapter 5 HERE

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