#and also “A broken sob came from Gwilym’s chest.”

[cepheusgalaxy]

Gwilym pressed himself into the corner of his cell, tucking his limbs into his body as close as he could. His bony knees pressed into his chin. His thin arms were squished behind him. His wings were held down with the band around his chest anyway, but the exposed parts flattened completely against his back.

He might have accepted what Yorath was going to do to him and prepared himself for it, but that didn’t mean he would make it easy. 

Still a fighter. Yorath had muttered that last time. Gwilym held those words close and took them for his own. 

Still a fighter. 

“Do you know why I hurt you, Gwilym?” asked Yorath. 

“Because I tried to kill you twice and blew up three rooms and you like it when I scream and you especially like it if you can make me beg,” said Gwilym, his voice quiet and raspy from disuse and dehydration. He had learned to speak despite the discomfort it caused him. 

He had learned a lot of uncomfortable things. 

“Do you know why I enjoy hurting you specifically?” 

Gwilym shook his head. Because he healed fast? 

Anything to keep him talking and delay the pain. 

“Because through hurting you I hurt Eirlys,” said Yorath. “You burn. Far away, safe at home, Fen screams. Eirlys is powerless to do anything about it. You, as a person, are insignificant. You don’t matter. I’d have killed you within days if not for your connection to Eirlys. Your Fen wouldn’t have been allowed to go home if he were anyone else’s son or were you not soul-bonded. Your crimes merit execution, but I let you live for this.” 

“Why Eirlys?” 

Keep him talking. 

Yorath rested the flat of his knife- not iron this time, thank Brân- against Gwilym’s cheek. “If someone caused the death of your child, wouldn’t you do anything you could to make that person responsible hurt?” 

He sliced down. 

Gwilym didn’t scream. He never screamed at the first cut. Yorath knew this.

Every time, they played the game of finding out at what point Gwilym would scream this time, at what point his survival mechanism of going limp and hiding inside himself would kick in, if and when he would start begging, at what point he would stop begging to preserve his little remaining strength and give up completely, at what point he would pass out from the pain and the constant use of his magic. The game of finding out how many times his body could be destroyed and he would still come back from it.

It was a game for Yorath, at least. For Gwilym, it was a repetition of the most traumatic things to ever happen to him, an exercise in self-control, a discovery of what exactly his magic could do and what his body and mind could take. A discovery of at what point he would try- fail- to kill himself this time.

He hated his magic. He hated how it kept him alive. He hated how it healed him so fast, over and over, and gave Yorath more opportunity and time to inflict pain.

He wanted to die. He wanted it to end. 

The second cut came. Precise, measured, planned, removing skin from his face while preserving the wasting-away muscle beneath it. “Right now, Fen will feel his face stinging. He’ll know what’s coming next. He’ll know or guess that you’re being skinned again. He’ll cry and scream and curse his inability to do anything to save you. Eirlys will hold him and think of me and know what I’m doing to you and why.”

Gwilym still didn’t scream, but he was breathing fast now, too fast, his chained hands shaking violently behind him.

He pushed his face into his knees, slicing himself on the knife against his cheek as he moved. The small, bleeding, skinless portion stung when it touched his grimy pants.

It was already healing over.

This would be the second time his skin would have to completely regenerate. The second time Yorath skinned him alive. 

Maybe it meant the iron would come out. He grabbed for even the smaller bit of hope now, things like maybe he’ll forget or maybe it will only be blunt. 

Yorath twisted his hand in Gwilym’s hair and pulled his head up, horribly and deceptively gently. “Hiding already? We’ve barely gotten started.”

A broken sob came from Gwilym’s chest.

Yorath sat down in front of him, crossing his legs, a cruel grin on his face. He spread out his tools between them. 

[Image description: A reaction image. It shows a drawing of an emoji-like guy beating their fists on the table and banging their head to it too, excitedly. /end ID.]

omg.....................hes crying...............

[megalony]

Black heart- Part 4

Here is the latest part of my murderer! Ben Hardy series which has gained lovely feedback already, I hope you all like this part.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls

Summary: (Y/n) knows being with Ben isn’t the best idea but she loves him and they have a daughter together. But when Ben takes things too far, (Y/n) tries to take their daughter and leave… but Ben isn’t giving them up so easily.

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A subtle trembling began to course through his body as he tried to push his tall, skinny frame into the small sharp corner at the end of the short hallway. The secluded corner just in front of the cupboard wasn't much good for his frame but it was enough to hide him away from the door on his other side so he wasn't going to be spotted.

Why was he doing this?

If he got caught with his ear near the door trying to pry in on the conversation that was taking place he would get more than his fair share of punches or punishments for listening in on the bosses private talks. But Gwilym had to know what was happening. He needed to know if Callum was going to break and start talking or if he was good enough to hold his nerve and take whatever punishment Ben was going to give him.

It had been two weeks since Ben had started punishing everyone and one person got hurt every day without fail. No one could give him any substantial evidence that would calm him down and stop the punishments for a day or more. Joe now had a broken nose and three broken ribs but he had said nothing because he was never going to betray (Y/n) like that. Gwilym wondered sometimes if Joe's loyalty and protectiveness over (Y/n) was because he actually loved her, but it didn't really matter. Joe was making sure (Y/n) and Rory were okay and right now no one had love on their minds, survival was the thing on all of their minds.

But Gwilym knew that Callum was weak. He quaked in his boots the moment any kind of talk of punishments was brought up. The thought of being punched made him pale and the one time Callum had been punished he almost tried to leave the business because of it.

Callum was one of the few guys who had noticed Gwilym and Joe talking quietly in corners or leaving without being told to or without saying where they were going. He also knew that both of them were close to (Y/n) and therefore he didn't believe she would have gone without telling them or without them helping her to leave. Now that it was his turn to be punished or to give up any information he might have, Gwilym simple knew that Callum was going to say something or he was going to make something up in order to try and preserve himself and save his skin.

Tipping his head back against the corner he was trying to squish himself into, Gwilym snapped his eyes closed as he held his breath to try and calm down his raging breathing. He could feel his heart pounding against his ribs and pulsing in every blood vessel in his body and he hated it. He hated feeling his heartbeat in his mouth and the blood rushing in his ears making him feel dizzy and unbalanced.

He had to listen in because he needed the upper hand here. If Callum squealed and told on him and Joe, Gwilym would need to find Joe and they would have to work out a plan quickly before Ben found them and tried to break them. If he found out two of his most favoured workers had gone behind his back and had hidden his girlfriend and daughter from him then Ben would go ballistic.

"I- I don't know anything I swear." Callum's trembling, slightly high pitched voice quietly found its way to Gwilym's ears and sun louder over the sound of his heartbeat.

Gwilym was close enough that he could even hear Ben tutting in either disappointment or disproval as he clearly thought Callum must know something. Callum was going to break, it was very evident that he was too weak to even take a punch, he wasn't going to last and Gwilym and Joe were going to be in trouble.

"Maybe this will make you rethink your answer." Ben's deep, velvety voice sent shivers running along the base of Gwilym's neck and spine. It was a tone that sounded so condescending, so cruel yet so sweet like all his badness was coated in heaps of sugar to make it bearable.

When a resounding crack resounded through the walls and shook through Gwilym's body, he pressed a hand to his mouth to smother any gasp or cry or trembling breath that could be heard and give away his position. He wanted to be hidden here, he didn't want to be found out but waiting and listening like this, being a witness to this was not something he liked. It made him wonder why he ever got into this business in the first place. You had to be hard to work for Ben, you had to be unforgiving and cold and able to fire a gun and take a life if you needed to.

Right now, Gwilym didn't feel unforgiving or cold or able to kill, he felt fear, regret and a great worry for his safety and his life.

As soon as another sound resembling a broken bone flooded through the corridor, Callum's unforgiving scream followed through with a sob that was cracked and broken through a hiccup. Gwilym could feel those broken bones like they were his own but he hadn't been given a punishment yet, but if Callum ratted on him, he would get more than he bargained for.

"Lee a-and M...Mazello."

Gwilym's chest shook violently as he had to swallow harshly and hold his breath again to stop himself from screaming in agony. Why would Callum do that? They worked together, they shouldn't rat each other out like that even if Ben was the boss. They should protect one another because Gwilym and Joe hadn't done this to spite Ben they did it to help (Y/n) and everyone knew and liked her. They knew she didn't deserve to be hurt the way she did but Callum was saving his own skin without thinking of her or anyone else.

"What about them?" There was a sceptical tone in Ben's voice as Gwilym could just picture the boss turning his head to the side with narrowed, piercing green eyes. He could see Ben shaking his head with a shark tooth grin, getting his fist ready for another punch.

"They k-know where she is. Take h... ugh... take her supplies, it's where they go w-when they clock off."

He'd done it. He had successfully condemned Joe and Gwilym to save himself but Callum didn't know Ben. He didn't know that despite getting the information he wanted from the beginning, Ben wasn't simply going to let Callum walk away from this now. He was going to beat the living daylights out of him for withholding this information for so long and Callum would be lucky to walk out of that room when Ben was finished.

"How do you know that?" Ben couldn't simply take his word for it, he had to have some sort of evidence or a good hunch as to how he knew this. If he was just speculating random bullshit Ben couldn't take it seriously and someone else was going to have to get hurt.

"They t-turn off GPS when they g-go... Lee didn't even c... check (Y/n)'s accounts like y-you asked."

"Just what I needed to hear. Too bad you waited too long to tell me."

Gwilym found himself sliding down the walls forming the corner he was leaning against until he was sat on the floor with his knees puncturing into his bubbling stomach. His eyes snapped closed as he kept both hands pressed to his mouth at the shrill cries that Callum was releasing as he got the rest of his punishment that Ben clearly thought he deserved. If he was doing this to Callum, what on Earth was he going to do to Gwilym and Joe?

His body came over in a cold sweat but he felt like his skin was burning to the touch. He could see the blood draining from his skin which was turning ghostly pale as he felt like he was going to be sick. He snapped his mouth shut when he felt his throat tensing like he was going to gag or throw up.

He and Joe were in deep trouble now, they were on Ben's hit list because now Ben was going to look into this and realise that Gwilym didn't in fact check (Y/n)'s bank accounts or her bank statements like he had asked because he already knew what was happening. Gwilym had helped to shift her money to offshore accounts and then back through to new ones in London so the trace was almost unfindable in order for (Y/n) to have her money that Ben wouldn't be able to find and it had been so easy to do.

That was a big hint that Gwilym had helped (Y/n) escape or in the very least, he had helped her after realising she had escaped and it meant he had some kind of contact with her.

Gwilym didn't want to die but Ben was going to bury him for this when all they had done was help someone who had been abused who also had a baby to protect. They had helped her, Ben shouldn't hurt them when he knew they had kept (Y/n) safe so far even if they had kept her hidden from him.

He didn't know how long he had sat on the floor contemplating his life and what he could do, but Gwilym knew he had to move the moment he heard Ben mumbling something to Callum that was unhearable. Gwilym didn't have the nerve or the energy to try and bolt it down the corridor without being heard or seen.

Shuffling himself onto his hands and knees, he resorted to quickly but quietly open the door to the storage cupboard that could barely fit a mouse, let alone a person. He crawled into the cramped space and pulled the door ajar so he had the ability to breathe without feeling like he was going to suffocate. He made his body as small as possible, pressing his hands over his mouth just as he heard the office door opening.

What was he going to do now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Get in the car." Gwilym's voice was no more than a huffed whisper that floated away on the wind but his tone was clear despite the lack of volume. His hand latched around Joe's upper bicep like a viper, his fingers were teeth that punctured into the other man's skin to stop him from trying to veer away from him or struggle and make a scene out of this. As quick as anything, he spun Joe around so he was no longer heading towards the building and was now walking back in the direction he had just come from.

Gwilym's head ticked from side to side to make sure no one was watching or about as he dragged Joe along with him, trying to stop it from looking like Joe was being forced somewhere. They walked briskly along the carpark to get to his car but Joe's head was turned to face his coworker, his eyes wide and mouth agape as he didn't know what was happening.

Joe's arm was slightly pushed upwards and his body was slouching forward from tripping over his own feet. He had literally just arrived at the club to start his shift, why the Hell was Gwilym trying to drag him somewhere else?

A gasp escaped his lips when he was thrown into the passenger side of the car, his arms encasing to his chest when the door slammed shut to prevent him from getting out again. Gwilym rounded the car and got in the driver's side and started the car within a second of sitting himself down.

Joe suddenly felt like he was being kidnapped.

But his confusion became worse when he watched as Gwilym drive them out of the staff carpark, but he parked up around the next corner. He hadn't even driven around the block, he had turned a corner and parked on the opposite side of the road.

"What the fuck?" Joe turned in his seat to face Gwilym when he turned the engine off and pressed his head back into the headrest, trying to calm himself down but it wasn't working very well.

"You go into the club now and Ben will pounce on you. Callum squealed, he's onto us."

Gwilym couldn't talk to Joe at the club because there were people always hanging around and there were cameras. They were at risk of looking suspicious if they were caught on tape huddling together talking in hushed voices in quiet corners. Where he had parked up now there were no security cameras on the other buildings and they were in a car, they were safe to talk without being seen or heard and they needed to come up with a plan.

"Shit." Was all that Joe could find himself saying.

"Yeah, shit. Joe we have to do something now, if Ben finds us he won't stop until we break or we die, we have to move (Y/n) now or cover our tracks and leave her in the lurch which I know you won't do."

There was no choice anymore, if they wanted (Y/n) to be safe they had to get her and Rory somewhere out of London so they would be safe and they had to lay low for a while and stop all contact with her until it was safe. Or they left her where she was and broke all connections and made sure they were safe and protected themselves. But neither of them could just abandon (Y/n) and Rory like that because it wasn't fair.

"We can't move them now, she isn't well enough, Ben still had high security everywhere, if they go out they will be seen and caught. We'll just have to say Callum lied-"

"You know Ben won't take that as an answer, we have to do something now."

"Alright, fine." Joe huffed, tipping his head back as he ran his calloused fingers through his hair. "We... we'll get them both out of here tomorrow morning. We'll arrange everything tonight and go tell her and she'll be gone by morning." They had done this to (Y/n), they had put her and Rory in that apartment and promised to look after them and keep them safe. They couldn't try and save their own skins now and even though (Y/n) wasn't fully recovered or well enough, they had to help her and that meant getting her out of here.

They would have to do it quickly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This wasn't a good idea.

He could already sense the regret and the guilt swelling up in his chest like a balloon being filled with helium and expanding his ribcage to the extent that his ribs were going to break or pop out of his chest. It was suffocating his lungs and deflating them making it harder for him to gain a proper breath.

He could hear Joe talking to (Y/n) in the other room, trying to console her and tell her that everything was going to be alright when all of them knew that it was highly unlikely that things were going to turn out in their favour.

But Joe wouldn't agree with what Gwilym was going to do if he told him. He himself knew that this wasn't the best idea but it was something that could help everyone, even if it would break (Y/n)'s heart into pieces. But he knew she couldn't get away now if they went through with the plan Joe had come up with. What Gwilym was going to do would help them with the plan and (Y/n) and it would make things a little bit easier. It would keep Ben off their backs for a little bit longer and make him less of a revengeful machine that was stuck on trying to hurt everyone.

Gwilym took a very deep breath that didn't seem to fill his lungs up very much as he clenched his hands into fists at his sides. This might not be what everyone wanted and it might not be the best thing in the world or even the right choice to make. But Gwilym knew it was the only thing that he could do to ensure (Y/n)'s safety.

Even if it meant breaking her heart.

[ificanwriteiscannon]

Ben Hardy Imagine – James Oliver Jones 

A\N: Picture is not mine. This is angst with a happy ending cause I’m a cheesy bitch who cant write anything without a happy finale.

SUMMARY: Ben and Y\N just welcomed their baby boy into the world. But after complications during pregnancy, will Ben have to raise his son  without his wife?

The ‘bips’ from the machines almost drove him crazy after the second week. Gwil did say that people in coma could hear the sounds around them, and he wasn’t wrong; Ben remembered seeing something about it in Discovery.               The blond took the woman’s hand in his, his eyes filling with tears from the coldness coming from it. Her nails painted in a vivid blue but still almost lifeless.

“You know love, I made a real man’s move yesterday” Ben caressed his wife’s hand as the beep filled his ears again. “I took him home and-“The actor’s voice failed him as he did his best not to cry. “I took our boy home and I’m doing what I can- I even made Joe brush his teeth before bed, that’s got have to count for something right?!” Ben chuckled but his smiled faded as he got no reply from the woman in the hospital bed.

“I’m doing what I can here, love. Please come back to me.” Tears filled his eyes and this time they rolled along his face.

He was at the bar. Some friends brought him to celebrate his last day before he left for the  X-men movie, but the celebration was long forgotten when he spotted her. The girl sat alone in the bar and talked to the bartender. She was stunning. Beautiful. Perfect, and he couldn’t take his eyes off her.

“That’s enough Benny, you go there talk to the girl in the bar before one of these other shitheads go” His friend whispered and nudged him in the arm. He knew that sober he would never have the courage to get up and talk to that girl, but luckily the alcohol in his system gave him plenty

“Wow, straight tequila. You’re going to be sorry in the morning..” Ben heard the voice from the bartender as the men yet again served his mysterious girl.

“I’m always sorry in the morning. But tomorrow is my first day at  this big dream job and I’m almost shitting in my pants, so.. Keep them coming”

“Well, if you say so..” She lifted her glass and cheered getting a chuckle from the bartender

“Double scotch single malt, please” Ben said sitting at her side. Feeling her gaze upon him made him sober up and almost get up and run for the hills. Almost.

“So, uhmm.., is this a good place to hang out?” Ben was insecure and his voice shocked even himself. ‘C’mon man, get it together’

“I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been here before.” Her reply was short and dry as she motioned for another dose

“Not from around here, hum?!” She stared at the glass in front of her, shaking it in her hand “I’ve actually never been here either. It used to be a bowling place but now is a nice pub..”

Silence.

“So you’re ignoring me” He chuckled.

“I’m trying to.” She spoke slowly not turning to him. Ben supported his head on his hand at the counter and faced her, a small smile on his lips. “Don’t get me wrong. It’s just, tomorrow is a big day at work and for a while I won’t have ‘me’ time, so tonight is just about me and tequila.”

“Well, if that is the case, you should think of me as a goodbye to social interactions in pubs. Besides, you shouldn’t ignore me.” She let out a small laugh and he couldn’t help himself as he felt more and more attracted to this woman. Not only physical, but something about her just made him beg for more.

“Well mr., give me one good reason to don’t ignore you”

“Because I am a person you have to know to love” He replied taking a sip of his drink.

“Wow, confident aren’t we?!” She laughed “Shame, it’s not enough” She faked a sad face and turned front again

“Nah, that’s not ‘the end’…,”Ben insisted as he noticed her take side glances at him “ So, what’s your story?”

“No story, just a girl in a bar”

…

Ben felt cold. And regretful. As he questioned himself why he drank too much the last night he opened his eyes and strangely didn’t recognize his surroundings. He supported himself on his elbows  and lifted a small piece of something that came in touch with his hands as soon as he touched the cold ground he laid on. A bra. 

“This is..-”

“Uncomfortable and awkward? Yes and yes. You have to go.” The voice of the girl from the bar filled his ears, and Ben couldn’t help but smile as the night before came back in a few flashes.

“I don’t even get a full name basis or a phone?” She threw him his pants and underwear. He put them on with a smirk noticing her stare.

“No and no..” She replied biting her lip

“Sure? You never know, I can be your soulmate. We did have great sex last night” He lifted one eyebrow as she rolled her eyes trying to hide her smile.

“Goodbye Ben” She replied opening the door as he collected his jacket from the floor by the entrance.

“We will see each other again. I know this stuff. It’s meant to be, mark my words my lady” She rolled her eyes again and he kissed her fiercely “Goodbye Y\N”

”You know, Joe keeps leaving these frappuccinos around and if you don’t wake up someone will start drinking. You, better than anyone, do know Gwilym’s policy about wasting coffee.. I am kidding love. They’ll be here when you wake up.” He took her hand in his, kissing each knuckle.

“You know who else will be here when you wake up? Our beautiful son. Can’t wait for you to see him, love. He is amazing. He is so strong and perfect, just like you.” Ben paused taking a look in his wife’s face. God, he missed her smile, her laugh, or her sassy remarks. He missed her stupid jokes with Joe and the way she looked at him. “But he needs his mom..- I- I need his mom. And he doesn’t even have a name.. We were supposed to do that together. You promised that”

 It was late. 3 maybe 4 am. Ben had come home early from the set that day and after dinner and a movie they went to bed. Expect he just couldn’t sleep.

Placenta previa, the doctor said. It was a risk for both Y\N and the baby. They could lose him. He could lose her. He could lose both of them.

“Ben” Her sleepy voice filled his ears “What are you doing?” He couldn’t help but smile at her. She looked just as perfect as the morning after the night he met her, but now eight months pregnant.

“I was- I am – I mean, I-“ He was scarred. Everything could go wrong. But that was no way in hell he would make her worry.

“I know.” Y\N said approaching him. She hugged him, as far as her big baby belly let her, burying her face in his chest. “ I worry too. But everything is going to be ok.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I know this stuff, and we are meant to be remember?” She looked up and Ben kissed her forehead smiling

“Do you promise?”

“I promise”

“ He is such a great boy Y\N. He loves the green blanket you bought by the way. He also loves listening to Lucy, it really calms him down, but then I guess is what you call the ‘godmother effect’ right?” The actor took a deep breath and laid his head in the bed, by the side of Y\N’s hand.

“I’m so scarred, love. I can’t do this without you. I need you here. I’m just afraid we’re going to lose you and it is just gonna be the two of us.. And he doesn’t even have a name..” The tears rolled free across his face. He couldn’t remember a time where he wasn’t at a break of crying these days.

“James..- It’s James Oliver Jones, ok?” Her voice, broken and sore, filled his ears and his face turned to her. Y\N had her eyes closed but he recognized that annoyed frown between her eyebrows. And that took a smile from Ben. Something he only felt lately, when he held his son.

“James Oliver..- God, you scared me” He jumped from the chair kissing her head and holding his wife close.

“Hey Ben we- Y\N?”  Joe’s voice filled the couple’s ears as he and Rami entered the room.

“Thank god” Rami whispered holding his tears. Joe covered his face clearly relieved too.

“Joe said he would disown me if I left without permission” Y\N said making the actors share a laugh.

“Damn right I would.. Well, I’m about to be the third best guy in your life when you meet your first one” Getting the cue, Rami opened the door and got off to call someone.

“Is he ok?” Y\N turned worried to her husband

“He is perfect” Joe left the couple alone and went out as to help Rami. “I should get the doctor and-“

“No, please. Let’s just be you, me and our baby boy for a minute.”

“I’m almost sure those lads are not leaving our side for a while” Ben same with a small laugh

“It’s ok. They are all the godparents after all. God, this baby will be so spoiled” They both laughed and Ben kissed her sweetly.  

“Well, well, my babies had a baby. And he is perfect..” Ben’s mother came in the room carrying the small James. She also had tears in her eyes as she witnessed her daughter in law hold her grandson for the first time.

“Hey James,.. Remember me? I am your mom. I missed you so much.” Y\N said with her son in her arms, playing with his small feet.  A sob left her as some sort of relief washed over the yet small family.

At the door, Rami held a very emotional Lucy as she cried. Joe and Gwilym smiled and hugged, They were all filled with happiness. The family was finally complete.

[brightly-painted-canvas]

(mazlek) - first "I love you"?

Anon, I don’t even know how but this general prompt became something along the lines of those ‘four times + one time’ fic I secretly (or not so secretly?) adore. I also wrote a lot (again). I hope you don’t mind :)WARNING for a bit of angst/hurt-comfort at some point! Be careful!Also posted on AO3

Four times Joe said ‘I love you’ to Rami and one time Rami said it first

The first time happens in 2008, on set of ‘The Pacific’.

Despite being autumn in Australia, the weather is still hot and humid where they are filming, especially since the set is flooded with fake rain water and mud and they are constantly drenched, completely splattered. Assistants and helpers run around with buckets and water pumps with shower heads to spray them every chance they get during breaks between takes and it doesn’t feel nice. In fact it feels miserable and awful.

The only relief the actors get comes in the shape of popsicles, safely stored inside freezers under the production canvas tents.

In a whole week of production, they have already consumed so many of them the assistants had to restock three times and each day they come closer and closer to completely run out of popsicles for all cast and crew.

One fateful day, as Joe gets a break long enough to move away from set and join some of the other cast mates under one of their assigned tents, he realises there are no more icicles left.

As soon as he opens the freezer to find it empty he lifts his head in disbelief and looks around to call someone from the production and ask if maybe there are other popsicles in some other tents.

“Sorry, seems like we run out.” says one girl, looking mortified.

“Here, have mine.” comes a familiar voice from behind him and as Joe turns around, he’s being offered a still packaged popsicle from Rami: “I got given one, but I don’t mind.” explains the other actor, smiling encouragingly.

Joe’s troubled expression immediately morphs into one of pure gratitude as he takes the wrapped popsicle from Rami’s hand and thanks him profusely: “Man, I think I love you!” he adds, making the rest of the cast and crew snicker and smile.

“Joe’s like a dog, promising eternal love to everyone who gives him food.” comments Brendan from his chair and everyone laughs. Joe is not even bothered.

Maybe Rami is a little red on the cheeks, but he’s covered in so much mud and filth that no one notices.

The second time happens some years later in the form of a text.

They hadn’t seen each other in something like a whole year as they are both busy filming and auditioning and preparing role after role, one in LA and the other in New York, but they sometimes exchange texts and there’s the occasional phone call here and there.

It’s been months since the last one though, so when Rami gets a message that only says ‘I love you’ he looks at his phone in confusion, not daring to breathe, not daring to jump to conclusions.

‘Joe?’ he writes back, looking around like he doesn’t recognise his own living room in his and Sami’s flat, like maybe he’s being pranked? Maybe he’s dreaming?

‘Sorry wrong text! But how are you, my dude?’ and Rami can sigh in relief but also he can be a bit disappointed as he types a reply.

Joe is in a chatty mood because he soon texts back: ‘Cool. I miss you. And btw I DO love you! You know that!’ and Rami thinks that Joe’s still Joe.

And at least that managed to make him smile.

The third time Joe is crying hard, sobbing into the crook between Rami’s bicep and forearm while being cradled against the other actor’s chest as he breaks down completely on set, in full costume. Like he would care. (He doesn’t, not right now, not when…)

Rami is holding him close and firmly, warm and reassuring, putting his own sadness and grief aside to be there for him. A solid presence in the form of a hug, skinny but strong arms around his trembling body, whispers of comfort from lips brushing his ear and forehead, against the fake hair of a fluffy wig.

He doesn’t know when he stops, when he sighs out a trembling breath and lifts his head to say: “I’m so sorry.” in the tiniest, most broken voice he’s ever mustered.

Rami is looking into his red wet eyes with a similar desperate look, but with such earnest empathy and affection Joe feels like crying again and again until he’s completely drained.

The other actor just shakes his head and tugs him close again, unable to speak, but knowing that the contact could help.

Knowing firsthand what this kind of grief feels like and what is at least supposed to help.

“I don’t know what to do.” confesses Joe again, closing his eyes and pushing his head against Rami’s chest, expensive Freddie Mercury’s replica of a costume be damned.

“It’s okay.” is Rami’s croaked reply, as he gathers his voice back and sniffs to hide his own tears.

“Thank you…” murmurs Joe and he’s holding Rami close as well now, circling his waist with his arms as they’re messily sprawled on the floor of some backstage room.

Maybe the grip is painful, maybe there’s even someone watching them.

Maybe Joe’s manager is waiting for him to get up and decide what he wants to do: finish shooting? Get changed and head back to his hotel room? Take the first flight back to New York and be with his mom and his brothers?

Have you decided, Joe? What do you want to do? How do you feel?

What will do you, from now on?

Fuck all. Fuck everything.

Maybe he’s saying all of this out loud or maybe this is all in his confused and despairing mind, but he only feels his shattered heart being torn over and over and his breath coming out in irregular, painful puffs of air.

Maybe Rami is trying to talk to him too but he’s mostly just holding him, swaying back and forth slightly, one hand on his back and the other covering his head, shielding him.

“I love you.” he whisper quietly and he doesn’t know if he wants to be heard or not, if it’s the right moment to say it (it’s not), if Rami cares or if he understands what this love means right now.

“I know.” is the even quieter reply and Joe just sighs and lets himself be held as he cries and cries and cries again and curses destiny and distance and illness and missing someone so damn much already.

The fourth time they’re listening to the radio as they drive up and down the hills of LA, already dressed to the nines for this or that ceremony, for this or that award.

Some Billy Joel tune from the 80s fades and suddenly there’s the rhythmic sound of piano keys being pushed and a rolling of drums so familiar they both whoop enthusiastically and start signing as soon as Freddie does: “Ooh, you make me live!”

“This is our song!” exclaims Joe, turning the volume up: “How did they know?”

Rami just smiles and keeps singing and they both are almost screaming as they get to the higher notes of: “Ooh, you make me live now honey!” and as Joe takes a curve a bit too quickly.

They laugh for how the bumps in the roads make singing difficult.

“Oh, you’re the best friend that I ever had.” sings Freddie from the radio: “I’ve been with you such a long time, you’re my sunshine,” and Joe joins in, eyes on the road: “And I want you to know that my feelings are true.”

He turns quickly so he can look into Rami’s eyes as Freddie suggests him to sing: “I really love you.” with a nice relaxed smile that matches the one Rami is sporting.

“Oh, you’re my best friend.” concludes Freddie without them, because Joe can’t take his eyes away from the passenger seat’s occupant and Rami has to snicker and hide a blush and tell him to please watch the road.

The first time it happens Rami has a new shiny gold statuette in his left hand and a glass of champagne in his right hand and he’s surrounded by people cheering for him and congratulating him but he, honestly now, only has eyes for Joe since he came into the post-Oscars party room.

He looks tipsy but most importantly he looks happy. Ecstatic. Stunningly beautiful. And the best thing is that he deserves every second of it. He’s worked hard all his life to get to this and now he has it. Now he’s an Oscar winner.

Joe is looking at him from afar, knowing Rami is searching for him in the crowd but wanting to tease him a bit, to play hide-and-seek like two kids in a sea of people they maybe know only a small percentage of. And so he keeps close to Ben and Gwilym and waits for Rami to hug and shake hands with this actress and that producer as he slowly gets to them.

He even lets his friends and co-actors congratulate him first, hiding a smirk behind his own glass of champagne as he notices the desperate looks Rami is throwing his way now that he know where he is, now that he’s got him pinned and he can’t escape.

He’s the one who has to hug Rami close with his empty hand and they all laugh when Rami clinks Joe’s champagne flute with the statuette instead that with his own half empty glass.Suddenly Rami is whispering in his ear how he’s glad Joe is there with him because he’s a little bit drunk already and he can’t wait to be home and to be taken home by his Joe.

They look into each other’s eyes and suddenly there’s a lump in Joe’s throat and he know what it is but it’s making saying the words so damn difficult all of the sudden.

Rami, who had been able to read him like an open book and communicate with him without needing words for more than 10 years, just nods and duck his head in the sweetest way as he says: “I love you.” first and for the first time.

Joe’s out of breath for a moment and then he’s replying: “I love you too.” like he’s never said something truer and more precious.

“Congratulations.” he adds and Rami is smirking and they’re hugging again, in the middle of the ball room, the other actor’s head on Joe’s shoulder.