#and also time isn't real and i'm not fast. so. yes 7 days later is fine

[sollucets]

mm episode 2 bts x poor aou

[itwasntimethatdidit40]

Happy Birthday, little finch.

Gif credits

Pairing: Jackson!Joel X AFAB!reader

Words count: 6731

Rating: +18 NSFW, Minors please don’t interact

Summary: Everyone forgets your birthday but you receive an unexpected invitation (wink) that will change the fate of the day.

Warnings: POV second person, smut, little power dynamic, little brat taming, begging, unprotected P in V (please, always use protections in real life!), Reader's age is intentionally unspecified, you can imagine an age gap between her and Joel or not, oral (f receiving), fingering (f receiving), nipples play, Joel comes on reader's tits, just a little of pulling hair, soft!Joel, grumpy!Joel, pet names (little finch, honey, baby, babe), mention of fasting as a sarcastic joke (I don’t condone joking about no one’s eating habits), reader has hair (It is not specified how long they are or what they look like), reader can be lifted by big and strong Joel, reader has a able body, breasts and vagina and she wears a dress, apart from that no other description is given, reader is part of the Jackson community, I don't know anything about Jackson, I only know a few details about second game’s plot (including that detail, yes) so everything I describe is purely from my imagination and may have no bearing on the original Jackson, brief appearances by Maria, Tommy, Ellie and Dina, drinking, swearing, Joel calls reader “little finch” (I came up with this nickname just because my grandpa used to call me with a bird name when I was little and I always found it sweet, so here we go ❤️), Joel can draw (I don't know if it's true but for me it is, okay, allow me). I hope I haven't forgotten anything but if I do I'll add it as soon as I notice.

English is not my first language so please be kind, I always try to do my best, no proofreading (sorry), very little editing, I apologize for any mistakes. I'm writing on my phone, I hope the formatting isn't too bad 🥲

Thank you so much to anyone who will read this, I really hope you’ll like it, kind comments and advices are really appreciated ❤️

I've been listening to Hozier's "Talk" heavily while writing this so here it is, I'll let you know. It's such a beautiful song and I love Hozier so much 🫠

You wake up struck by a ray of sunlight that enters faintly through the half-closed shutters and dies right on your face.

You have no idea what time it is and your head feels heavy and confused, you turn over in bed thinking that maybe you can give yourself another 5 minutes but then you hear voices outside already awake and ringing and then you think that maybe it's really late. You sit up and retrieve the clock from the bedside table, it's 7 in the morning.

You get up and go to the kitchen to make some coffee and from the window you see some people already busy doing their work. Some children head towards the building designated as school in Jackson, happily laughing while they chase each others.

You yawn and open the cabinet in the kitchen where you keep the coffee filters, a precious supply recovered during an exploration that you jealously preserve.

The coffee is also the result of a find and therefore it was carefully rationed with the other members of the community.

You are grateful that it exists because this morning you really need it, last night you slept badly, continuing to toss in your sleep and always dreaming of the same thing again and again. You being swallowed up by a hole in the ground and no hand reaching out to help you. Just a great dream.

The coffee maker burbles a few minutes later, releasing the drink you crave.

Temperatures are milder in this season so you no longer need to put on a heavy jacket and snow boots, there is a bit of fresh wind but nothing compared to the harsh winter that has just passed.

Today in particular you feel like dressing better than usual, you go back to your room and open the wardrobe, carefully inspecting the few clothes hanging there.

You obviously don't have much choice because they're all salvaged second-hand clothes, but Maria gave you a nice pair of denim shorts a month ago and they look very nice on you.

You take it out of the closet and place it on the bed along with a white tank top that highlights your boobs just right, it’s nothing particularly fancy but it makes you feel good, you head towards the shower humming softly.

The shower helps you wake up, you dress and you leave the house feeling a bit better.

You meet a couple of people who greet you as you make your way to the library.

You enter, smelling the familiar smell of books and immediately get to work cleaning and dusting the shelves and the floor, like every day.

The morning passes peacefully, only a couple of people come in to borrow books, so after doing your chores you took the opportunity to rearrange thriller’s books section.

You're a bit shocked by the fact that no one told you anything particular but you don't mind, these people have a lot to think about and a lot to do.

When you leave it's lunch time, so you head to the common room.

The crisp air caresses your face and the sun gives you a little warmth that you missed so much, you really love this season in Jackson.

You enter the room filled with chatter that echoes off the walls. You take your place in line and once you have had your portion you sit at one of the tables.

No one reaches you yet. You're alone in a room full of people.

You see him in a corner, sitting with Maria and Tommy and you get lost for a while observing the way he moves his large hands, how his hair rests at the base of his neck, his big brown eyes, so communicative, the way his flannel shirt - which has practically become a distinctive trait of Joel - hug his muscles, the way his lower lip slightly twitch while he’s talking.

You’re totally captivated.

You can't help it and you know it.

Every time he spoke to you, even for just a few minutes, your body reacted unequivocally at his deep low raspy voice, his proximity always caused you trouble.

You like this man, much more than you are willing to admit.

Joel Miller.

You're friends, you might say. As much as it is possible to be friends with a man like him.

He's friendly, but always with an undertone of detachment that you can't define, as if he's afraid of letting himself go with someone and let his feelings flow freely.

And just as you're thinking this, he turns and looks at you for a moment.

You are sitting, yet your knees feel weak and you feel your cheeks redden knowing you've been caught.

You turn your eyes back to your lunch, quickly finishing your meal and bringing your tray back. You leave the common room feeling in a bubble.

It's stupid that he makes you feel like a little girl with her first crush but it always happens, by now you're resigned to always making a fool of yourself with him.

You walk home to do your household chores and then go to the patch of garden you've been assigned to take care of.

You meet various people along the way but again everyone just say hello, you see Ellie with Dina and they both wave at you and nothing more. In the meantime, Maria has left the common room and the only thing she asks you is how the courgettes you planted a month ago are coming along.

It's strange, but you shrug your shoulders and think that deep down today is not such a relevant day for others even if you hoped it would be because you now consider these people as your new family.

You stop thinking about it and focus on the things you have to do but a tiny piece of your heart hurts a little, just a little.

What the hell is wrong with people today? Only a month ago they throw a big party for Tommy and now nothing, not even a hint.

Okay, Tommy is higher rank, he is married to Maria, everyone sees him as a guide just as they see his partner.

And he goes on patrols, certainly offering others a greater sense of security and protection, unlike you who deal with less dangerous things.

That's probably why, you're just a minion in Jackson's pecking order.

You let off some steam by plowing your field with more force than necessary, small drops of sweat slide down your forehead and you end up hot and with your arms aching from the effort.

Stupid girl, stop thinking about it, it's not that important to have a birthday, not in a post apocalyptic world where everyone is struggling to get ahead.

But still, they acknowledged every single special day of everyone’s here before, except yours and nothing particularly relevant is happening, it’s been a couple of quiet weeks.

You're wiping sweat from your forehead with one hand when you hear a voice behind you.

"What are you doing tonight?" It's his voice, you'd recognize his among a thousand.

You turn around stuttering “uh, what?”

And there he is, flannel shirt, curls slightly blowing in the wind, mouth curved in a smirk, dark piercing eyes.

Fuck.

“I asked…what are you doing tonight?”

You feel the nervousness rising in your chest, it's the first time he's spoken to you in a week and you weren't ready in the slightest.

“Uh…oh…nothing special, I guess, I think I'll read a book and go to sleep early”

you say trying to maintain a certain apparent nonchalance.

“You didn't mention dinner, are you going to fast?” Oh, great. Sarcastic jokes, classic Miller behavior.

“No, of course not,” you reply, rolling your eyes.

He chuckles “okay, so, would you like to come to my house? I cook”

Fuck. Is that, a date?

You instantly feel your mouth dry as you try to reply “Well, it’s not like I have something better to do so yes, why not”

You don't want to make it obvious to this man how he makes you feel. There are worse things to worry about in this world, but letting yourself go with someone who always shows restraint only to be rejected - on your birthday, no less - doesn't seem as pleasant.

And that's how you usually communicate anyway, bickering.

Maria often laughs about it, you are both stubborn and neither of you ever wants to agree with the other.

One day she told you that she thinks you'll end up together and you practically laughed in her face. Not because you don't want to, but because you thought Joel didn't even see you that way.

Maybe Maria was right all along, who knows.

“Good, see you at 7”

And he goes.

You watch him walk away for a while, still with spade in your hands.

Suddenly this day became interesting.

You run into the house and take off your dirty clothes throwing them in the basket you keep in the bathroom and go to the shower.

While you're soaping yourself up you wonder what came into his mind.

As you rub your hair, you think that maybe he's making fun of you but Joel doesn't seem like the type to make a prank, he's always quite sarcastic but not a proper prankster.

It's part of his charm, he always looks grumpy but you know he's not bad, the way he looks at Ellie or his brother says everything about him.

He would do anything for the people he loves.

And he’s not mean, he was kind to you too.

You've spent more time looking at him, analyzing every chat you had with him than you like to admit, so yeah, you're pretty sure he's okay.

Once you get out of the shower you open the wardrobe and find yourself contemplating the usual clothes with which you have to make the best of things.

There is a cute dress that you have never worn because you have never found a particular occasion. It's quite short and low-cut, definitely not suited to Jackson's lifestyle, here everyone wears jeans and sweaters or t-shirts.

You think that maybe tonight is the time to dare even if you don't want him to burst out laughing and ask you what you've got in your head.

It's just a dinner.

He never mentioned anything romantic.

You're obviously nervous, because you like him and if it doesn't go well you should continue to see him every day anyway.

In the end you decide to wear the dress anyway but to tone it down with a cardigan and a pair of boots, so as to make it look less like "please fuck me" style.

You shake your head, how much trouble are you going to for Joel Miller.

However, you have to admit that it's the first really exciting thing that's happened to you since you've been here. You thought that surviving was enough so you obviously never complained about it.

You fix your hair after drying it, you look at yourself in the mirror and you think that you're not that bad after all.

It's almost time, you leave the house and walk the few meters that separate you from Joel's house with your heart beating wildly in your chest.

You climb the few steps to his porch feeling insecure and stupid for accepting, who knows what you expect from this lonely man.

You shrug and knock on the door, snuggling into your cardigan in the cool evening air.

You consider going back and pretending you had a mishap, but Joel opens the door.

“Hey, come in” he smiles at you. You cross the threshold timidly as a delicious scent invades your nostrils.

Who knew Joel Miller could cook?

You follow him into the kitchen and Joel pours you a glass of wine.

“Where did you find this?” you ask in surprise. Wine is a luxury that you haven't been able to afford many times in Jackson, usually the only thing they bring back after searches and patrols are bottles of cheap whiskey.

“I found it two km from here in an abandoned shop. It was stuck under a shelf, probably for years”

“Oh, great”

“Well they say that aged wines are better. Like men, don't you agree?” He smiles, winking at you.

He winked.

Fuck.

You try to hide your surprise by taking a long sip from your glass.

While Joel is busy checking on the stew you take a look around the living room.

It's a nice house, simply furnished like all the houses in Jackson, tidy and clean.

There are some sheets with drawings on the coffee table in front of the couch. You know Joel made them because you've seen him several times on his porch busy drawing animals. A squirrel, a deer, a small bird. He's really good at it.

And obviously his guitar, resting on a stand in a corner near the couch.

In a totally cheesy way you would love to hear him play something for you.

“So, do you like wine?”

You turn and see that he is a few steps away from you, glass in hand.

“Uhm, yeah, it’s good”

He gives you a smile “stew is almost ready”

“Can I help you with something?”

“No, don’t worry, you’re the guest”

You see him linger with his gaze on your legs and up to your breasts and you think that the dress wasn't such a bad idea after all.

He is wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans and is breathtaking.

You scan each other for a few seconds, without speaking. You are like two predators sniffing each other to see who will give in first.

“That dress looks good on you” he finally says and for the first time you notice that he is slightly embarrassed. He looks down at his glass and stares at it harder than necessary.

You still don't know why he invited you tonight but honestly at this point you don't even care. He's more handsome than ever, his hair still slightly damp from the shower and pulled back, that little scar on his cheek that you'd be eager to find out the story of, that smile he's giving you and his hands nervously gripping the glass, everything about him draws you in like a magnet.

"Thank you. You're not bad either." You giggle and you know that it’s definitely what you needed tonight. To feel attractive. To feel seen.

He comes back to the kitchen and after a few seconds he calls you “Dinner’s ready”

You sit at the table in the kitchen and he places a plate in front of you that smells of home, of memories and takes you back to when you were little and your mom cooked for you.

It's like Proust's madeleine.

Evoking sweet feelings with food is one of your favorite things to remember who you were, who you loved, and what was before this debacle.

It's melancholy but also comfort in a certain way, it's like holding on to the truest and most authentic part of you, the one that made you who you are today and probably allowed you to survive.

You take a bite as Joel looks at you in anticipation.

“Wow, this is good!” you exclaim “extremely good. Who knew that you were a chef”

“Ha! I’m really not, it’s just a stew and I’ve done it so many time that I can’t get it wrong at this point”

“It's still the best I've had in years, I need to get invited to dinner more often”

You chuckle and then you blush, because you've made it clear that you hope it's the first of many times.

Damn you.

You hadn't had a love interest in years, obviously, there wasn't time to think about that while the world burned and you had to fight to stay alive. But here, in this little bubble, where people have welcomed you and you have recovered crumbs of normality, it doesn't seem too stupid to feel something for Joel.

Is he grumpy? Sometimes. But he is also incredibly generous, to be honest. When you asked him, a formal contractor, to help you create the library he snorted, he told you that it wasn't necessary, that no one would ever go there anyway.

You shrugged and said that you would have done it anyway with or without his help, Maria had already given you permission.

The next morning you got up early to go and clean up the designated building and found him there, he was repairing a damaged window that wouldn't go up or down.

He grumbled when you asked him ironically what he was doing “someone has to stop you from opening a crumbling library”

You smiled, feeling your heart warm.

And so it was every day until the place was ready. Joel showed up early in the morning or in the evening, spent a few hours fixing the steps, eradicating moths, building shelves and cabinets, even a desk for you.

You've never talked in depth about your lives but you still know something you've heard through the grapevine. He's very secretive about his past so you never asked him any uncomfortable questions, the last thing you would want is for him to never share anything with you again.

The time he helped you with the library was the most enjoyable time you've had here so far and that's when you realized that your crush was more serious than expected.

“Do you want another glass of wine?”

“Why not, i don’t have to drive home”

He laughs “Yeah, no fines for you”

“At most a headache, but I'll think about that in the morning”

“Were you surprised when I invited you?”

he leaves you speechless for a moment and then you find, you don't know how, the strength to use irony, like you always do "I've known for a long time that you want me" you giggle and brush your hair away from your face while you say it.

"Oh yes? How strange, I actually thought it was the opposite” the smirk and the deep chuckle he gives to you goes straight to the most private part of you. Right there. It sits on your clit and you feel it tingling.

Fuck, this man.

You never experienced a flirty Joel Miller before and you were actually quite sure he wasn’t even capable of being so but he is.

“Oh shut up, finish eating” you scoff, feeling your cheeks turn on fire.

He lets go for a while and watches you amusedly fill your mouth with his stew.

“It's a pleasure to see you eat, little finch”

He started calling you that when you couldn't move the furniture in the library on your own. "I don't know how you thought you could manage on your own, little finch."

At first you hated it, now you pretend to hate it but you actually like it.

“Stop calling me that!” you still have to keep up a facade after all.

“Oh come on, finch is the cutest bird, don’t be offended”

“I’m no bird” you pout.

“Yep you are, finch. Delicate. Elegant. Pretty. You walk like you’re floating in the light air and your voice is a lovely chirping sound. It gets on my nerves sometimes, but I actually like it. A lot.”

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

You can't believe he said that.

You feel your heart melt like snow under the sun, your lips involuntarily curl into a smile, your hands tremble with the desire to touching him and between your legs a lustful heat invades you all over.

His face is relaxed, his eyes sparkle mischievously and his smile…his smile pins you to the chair.

You raise your glass in an attempt to drink some courage while he doesn't stop looking at you silently.

Just enough time to bring your lips close to the glass and you find yourself coughing, you're too distracted and the wine goes sideways.

Obviously.

You can't help but look like a fool in front of him, you don't even know how he thinks you're elegant.

“Jesus, are you okay?” he asks in alarm as he reaches up to wrap his arm around your back and pat you lightly.

To your surprise, his large, calloused hands can be very gentle.

“Oh my god, yes, yes I’m okay” you reply between coughs "I'll get over it now"

Now that he knows that you will survive he sits back down to his chair and scrutinizes you with an amused expression.

“Did I go too hard on you?”

“What? No, not all” you reply red-faced, while trying to regain some composure.

“Okay, if you say so” he places a hand on yours gripping the table “Has it passed?”

“Yeah, I think it is” You pour a little water into the other glass he has set and drink, this time slowly.

Finally you feel your breathing return to regularity and your cough gradually subside.“Thank goodness, little finch, think if I should have taken you to the doctor in that lovely dress” and laughs.

You've never seen him laugh so much.

He is intelligible most of the time but tonight he is an open book.

“What's wrong with this dress, Miller?” you ask, ironically, you may be clumsy but not to this point and you want to try to get back at him.

"Nothing. You don't see many of them in Jackson, that's all."

“It doesn't look like anything special to me,” you say, as you realize he's staring insistently at your tits. “Do you see anything special, Miller?”

He shrugs “It’s pretty low cut for nothing”

You bend over slightly, resting your forearms on the table smiling at him, exposing your boobs even more. He is sitting in front of you and still watching at them.

“You're pretty good at it after all, little finch” his eyes have become darker and it's as if a small flame is burning inside them.

You feel a certain pride rising in your chest.

“Now you look like the embarrassed one, Miller, have you seen how things have changed?” Your smirk doesn't go unnoticed by Joel who squirms in his seat as if it has suddenly become uncomfortable.

"Can you tell me something? Why did you invite me tonight?” you’re pushing him, and you know it. And actually, you like it, for once you feel like you have the upper hand.

“Isn't it obvious, finch?” he mutter.

“Maybe, but I'd like to hear it from you. Use your words, Miller, I know you can."

“When you asked me to help you to arrange the library I thought you were crazy. Then I realized I was wrong. It was a nice idea. It was a great idea actually. No one here can go anywhere anymore, and in any case there is nowhere you can go so it is comforting to know that there is always a way to take refuge elsewhere, at least for a few hours, reading a great book. So yes, finch, I like you. I like you because you gave us back some beauty.”

“Fuck Miller, you can make speeches whenever you want”

“It's just one of the reasons I like you, you’re also smart and thoughtful and gorgeous but yeah, that’s it, I’ve said it”

His gaze is languid, you'd almost say longing. Maybe you managed to scratch a small piece of the invisible armor he built to protect himself.

One moment you were bickering as usual and the next Joel fucking Miller left you speechless.

No sarcasm, not an ounce of irony, he sounds sensitive and vulnerable.

It's so strange to see him in this light, the only other time it happened to you you were in the library, he found a children's book and held it in his hands looking at it in silence.

For a moment you could have sworn you saw tears in his eyes, he looked helpless and hurt and then it was the usual Joel, complaining about the mess and the weight of the boxes you had made him lift that gave nightmares to his back.

You get up from the chair without even realizing it, as if it were an involuntary movement that your body needs.

You stop in front of him, who is still sitting, his arms abandoned on the table, his gaze following you questioningly.

You put a hand in his hair and let it run through his dark curls while he instinctively closes his eyes, abandoning himself completely under your touch.

You would like to say something but you don't want to ruin the moment and in any case you can't find any words suitable to describe how you feel.

Moved, yearning, grateful, overwhelmed?

All these things together at the same time.

You let your hand linger on the base of his neck, stroking softly

“Look at me” you whisper.

And his gaze turns, his whole body turns, and you've never seen him so clearly. He rests his large hands on your hips and his gaze pierces you as he lands on yours.

You feel his grip tighten as you lean over him and leave a shy kiss on his lips. Small. Brief. And another, instinctively. And yet another.

And another until his lips part on yours and fit perfectly in a long sigh. He tastes like wine and loneliness and desire.

It’s manly but tender and demanding for more.

Your tongues meet and it's like an electric shock that surprises you but at the same time it's inevitable like when two surfaces rub together generating energy, it is an unwritten physical law that holds you together despite having used all your strength to keep each other at a distance for months.

Now, all you can do is give up.

You kiss him like it's the last thing you do in your life, his eager hands roam your hips, gripping your ass and squeezing tightly.

He part from your lips just the time to stand up and wrapping you entirely in his arms, his mouth searching for yours again, eager, his hands stroking your back while you feel just like a little finch in the most comfortable nest you could find.

“God, I want you” he mutter in your ear nuzzling at your sensitive skin.

“Take me. Just… take me, Joel”

It’s a dreadful need that you feel deep in your bone, the last shred of love you could find in this broken world, a sweet feeling of release that you desperately wanted.

You can’t think straight and don’t want to.

He take off your cardigan and reaches for the hem of your dress and lifts it up roaming your thighs feverishly, squeezing and stroking, his fingers digging into your flesh as you moan softly into his ear. He pulls it up to your waist and you help slide it off your head.

He bends down to take off your boots and throws them on the floor in an unspecified place, then he gets up and takes you back in his arms. He's still dressed while you're almost naked and exposed in a pair of black lace panties and a matching bra. You might be intimidated but you're not. You let yourself be held and explored by his hands. His calloused fingers, rough but gentle, touch you everywhere, giving you goosebumps. He lifts a hand to one of your breast and squeezes it through the fabric.

You can't help but let out a muffled moan while he is filling his hand with your flesh.

“Do you like it, finch? Me squeezing your boob?” he says in a whisper, looking into your eyes.

“Y-yes” you mumble “give me more”

There's a smug, lecherous smile painted on his face as he reaches for your bra and unclasps it with a single gesture.

He slides it off and drops it on the kitchen floor. Your nipples stiffen in an instant, hit by the air, he takes one between his fingers and pinches it, pulling it gently and then his mouth is on it swirling his tongue and sucking it. You squirm at the sensation, digging your hand into his hair again, pushing his face into your breast “more, more” you stammer. You feel his smile spread across your skin and his teeth bite lightly into you.

“You’re ravenous, aren’t you?”

You pull his hair and tilt his face slightly to regain eye contact. “Do you mind?”

“Absolutely fucking not.”

“Good, you can continue doing what you were doing” you smile defiantly. You like to provoke him, especially now.

“You're bossy for a little finch, I like that”

he smiles back, his eyes shining bright with thrill and anticipation.

He returns to greedily licking and sucking like a thirsty man on your nipples, another loud moan escape from your lips.

“Fuck, you’re so good”

“I just started with you, you have no idea what awaits you” he whispers.

“Mmm then less talking, Miller, show me”

Without having to be told twice, he picks you up, much to your surprise, and places you on his couch in the living room.

“Woah, Miller, easy”

“You told me not to waste time talking” he shrugs. chuckling.

He pulls you to the edge of the couch “spread your legs”

You open your legs a little but he is visibly not satisfied, he takes your knees and opens them more "Like this. Now stay still” he orders.

He kneels between your thighs and pulls your panties aside.

You feel his fingers trail up your thigh, slowly, taking the time to slide lightly over your skin, causing you a mixture of tickling and excitement.

You writhe when you feel his index finger grazing your pussy lips, wandering up and down caressing for a little bit before sliding it between them and wetting it completely in your juices.

“You’re soaking wet, baby”

You can literally feel your cunt dripping when he keeps going up and down, briefly sinking into your hole with the tip of his finger and then on your clit, moving in circle with two fingers over your bundle of nerves.

You’re whining again, you’re growing impatient and he perfectly knows that

“Joel…”

“Yes, Finch?”

“You're doing it again”

“What”

“You know what. Do you want to torture me?”

"No. I just want you to beg me."

“God, you’re impossible” you roll your eyes out of exhaustion and arousal.

He stops completely.

“So are you, babe. Can you please let me do what I know best?”

He presses on your clit with two fingers and you squirm.

“Fuck. Okay”

He starts teasing your clit again, moving his fingers up and down to gather your wetness and spread it all over your lips.

“The thing is, finch, your pussy is so good. Look at her, I can’t rush it. She deserves to be loved nicely and slowly”

He is sitting on his heels just taking his time with you and you can’t be more eager to have him in your hole but you breath, resigned to wait for his pace.

He teases your entrance again, this time with two fingers, pushing in a little deeper.

His thumb is still taking care of your clit, moving a little faster than before.

“Eyes on me, babe”

And you do, you lock your eyes with his and you see hunger and lust and wonder.

He’s admiring you and you feel flattered.

He brings his face closer and sticks his tongue out, licking you from bottom to top and then again, letting it slide between your lips.

His beard is scratching you, his tongue stops on your clit swirling around it, jerking it slowly, again and again until you see him closing his lips on it and sucking gently.

He’s devouring you at this point and you mewl and cry and scream for more.

“Jesus - fuck - oh my goodness”

Your fingers are entwined into his curls and you’re pushing his face against you as much as you can, his tongue is fucking your hole now, he delves into you and lick all he can and you start to feel an incredible warmth rising from your core, in your tummy, to your chest.

He finally lets his index and middle finger sliding into you, pumping slowly in and out of your dripping wet cunt.

“Joel, oh my God I - ha! - I can’t, oh God”

“Yes, you can. Just like that, baby, give it to me” he whispers softly against your skin.

You’re on the verge of coming, the most incredible orgasm is knocking at your senses, overwhelming and brutally crushing into you.

“I’m com - oh GOD - yes,Joel, fuck”

He praises you again “come for me, soak my fingers, come on”

And you do. You gush all over his fingers like it was the last thing you do in the world, your legs shake and your heart reach an impossible pace that leaves you breathless.

He keeps licking and pumping into you until you calm and you can’t take your eyes off him bowed between your thighs, he drives you wild.

He stands up grunting at his poor knees and you giggle, he raises an eyebrow at you

“I wouldn't laugh considering the fact that I just made you scream my name”

He sits down on the couch next to you, circling your waist with his big strong arm and pushing you against him.

You bury your face in his chest “Aw, you’re so touchy, Miller” and you giggle again.

“You’re such a little brat.” He says, stroking your hair “But see? I wasn’t lying. It's been many years since I last did this but I still know what to do”

You raise your eyes at him “yeah, I give you that. You’re fucking good” and you place a kiss on the hairless part of his beard “but I-”

“What?” he interrupts you, looking at you maliciously

You bite your lower lip, feeling hot again just for the way he’s holding you tightly watching you with lust in his eyes.

“I want your cock”

“Oh. It’s time to beg, baby”

“Joel…”

“Beg for it, little finch” he’s smiling but his voice is firm and slightly authoritative

“I never beg” you scoff

“You will start now, sweetie, if you want to see me naked”

You look at him with exasperation, rolling your eyes immediately after “okay, Jesus. Can you please give me your cock?”

“Manners, babe. Ask gently”

You ask yourself what have you done wrong to fall for such an unbearable man “Good Lord”

“Beg with conviction”

“Joel Miller, could you do me the courtesy of fucking me? Please?”

You’re smirking hard. You definitely love to get on his nerves.

“You’re getting into trouble with this attitude, you know that?” He reaches one of your nipples and pinches it hard making you whimper into his arms.

You turn serious, looking him in the eyes intensely, licking your lip before saying “Fuck me, Joel. Please.”

“Mmm yes, just like that baby, it didn't take much”

He finally stands up in front of you. He takes off his shirt, revealing a strong, broad chest.

You can see a thin strip of hair disappearing under his jeans but apart from that he is almost hairless, his skin is delightfully dotted with freckles that make your mouth water.

He throws off his shirt and bends over to remove his boots.

Your eyes linger on his back, on his tense, rippling muscles, you can't believe how gorgeous he is, after all you think it was worth begging for this but you will never tell him.

He unzips his jeans and takes them off, remaining in his boxers. The sight of his deliciously soft tummy drives you completely insane. You’re craving him like you never did with anyone before.

“Kneel on the couch for me, baby” he orders and you immediately do, you turn your head just in time to see him taking off his boxers, freeing his already hard and swollen cock. Your knees sink into the pillows and your hands rest on the armrest, you are completely exposed to his will.

He gets behind you on his knees, gripping your hips and pulling you towards him.

“Fuck me Joel, please, fuck me now” you cry

“Such a good girl, begging for my cock like that. You learn quickly, little finch”

You only feel the tip poking at your entrance, he slides his cock against your dripping folds “Beg once more, babe”

You writhe, it’s more than you can take right now, you want him desperately.

“Please, Joel. Please” your voice sounds distraught but you don’t care, not now.

He enters you with a single thrust that makes you scream “Fuck!”

He’s big, so big that his cock burns in your center.

“I told you you were getting into trouble, baby, if you wanted me to be gentle you should have behaved better”

It's a small punishment you can bear, after a few seconds you already got used to his intrusion, you never felt so full before and right now you couldn’t ask for anything better.

He begins to move slowly, in and out of you, sinking deeper each time and reaching that spot that makes you see stars.

His loud grunts numb your head, his fingers dig into your hips as he thrusts into you, maybe he will leave some marks and the thought excite you even more.

“Oh God, please don’t stop, please”

He’s pounding into you incessantly, every thrust more deep leaving you short breath, you’re so wet that every lewd sounds coming from your cunt is making you feel like you’re on the brink of falling apart.

“Fuck, you look so pretty like that, babe, the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen, so perfect for me”

You whine even more at his praises, feeling your pussy clenching hard around his cock.

“Joel please I’m-”

“I know baby, I know, I can feel you, squeezing my cock just right, God you’re taking me so good”

You basically spasm on his cock right now, legs trembling as your sink your fingers in the fabric of the couch desperately trying to hold your posture.

He holds you tightly by your hips, grunting with each thrust into you, hitting your cervix again and again.

“Come for me baby, come all over my cock”

You’re quivering so hard that you almost think of being on the verge of losing your mind.

You cry his name feeling so full and dazed while your orgasm explodes inside you.

He pumps into you until you calm down but he’s still throbbing against your walls “Where do you want me?”

“On my tits - please”

He comes out of you and you lie down on his couch, his throbbing cock is in front of you, he takes it in his hand, milking it a couple of time before releasing his cum all over you. He moans loudly as he paints your tits and chest with his pleasure.

He lies down on top of you, groaning “God, this was amazing”

You feel his sticky seed spreading on your skin but you don't care, you wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him softly.

He moves to the side so as not to weigh you down and takes you in his arms again.

You hide your face for a moment in the crook of his neck, inhaling his woody, citrusy perfume, with a hint of the natural sweaty scent of his skin. He smells amazingly.

“I could get used to it” you giggle

“Me too, little finch” and he leaves a kiss on your hair.

“Oh, you made completely forgot about it, do you know what day it is today?”

“No, should I?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever told you. It’s my birthday.”

His eyes widen, “Really?”

“Yep”

“Well then happy birthday. Did you like your present?”

“It’s the best I’ve ever received”

You kiss him again, knowing how true it is.

“We should take a shower,” he laughs.

“Yeah, you’re… well…all over me…but to be honest, I like it.”

He smiles widely “Come on little finch, I might have another gift for you in the bathroom”

“Oh, then I can’t wait to unwrap it”

[starseneyes]

Chenford REWIND - Lucy Chen / Tim Bradford - The Rookie - Season 3 Eps 7 & 8

I had a request for Episode 8, but that would mean 7 was living in a bubble without a real anchor. So, I decided to pair these two together for a two-fer.

I also realized that by getting these two written up, I'll have finished an entire season. Huzzah!

SPOILER ALERT: Standard warning applies. Please don't click the "Keep Reading" and expect not to get spoiled. I'm going to spoil these episodes (and everything that came before) to pieces. I do try to write these without foreknowledge, just so you're aware.

Kosher? Cool. Let's dive in.

"True Crime" AKA Grumpy/Sunshine Meme Activated

Lucy and Tim's First Interview

It strikes me that even as Tim is sitting down, he's turned in and looking at Lucy. At this point, Lucy is comfortable to Tim. What they're about to do isn't.

Tim hates this, but he's gonna do it. I don't know if it was a direct order from Grey, or he wanted to make sure it was done right so he was going to do it, damnit, but he's here and he's not happy about it.

Lucy, on the other hand, is thrilled. Her True Crime loving heart is filled to bursting and no doubt she's researched every person who was going to be there so she could fangirl all the more. It's adorable.

Also, these two make for good television. I mean, we already knew that, but the pretend producers happening onto this had me rolling. I bet the True Crime fans call them "Chenford" and perhaps that's the way the term might make it into the show someday.

"I'm sorry, I cut you off. I'm sorry."

She's so damn excited! And they haven't quite gotten their back-and-forth rhythm down that they will later display with gusto. It's close once she calms down, but girlfriend is thrilled right now, and Tim's "this is bullshit" meter is rising with every passing second.

"This is fun."

Tim looks at Lucy like she's grown a second head. And I'm trying to pick myself up from the floor where I've been rolling with laughter.

Look, the Grumpy/Sunshine trope is beloved for a reason, and we always knew Tim and Lucy had it in them. We've seen glimpses of it before. But sitting them down in an interview situation for an hour? This is pure gold!

I wasn't a fan at the time of airing, so I can only imaging how many memes were born out of these moments. It's amazing.

"Holy crap." "What is it?" "It's a, it's a-" "A what?" "A mummy. In a suit." "What?!"

Because, what else would a Mummy under a bed wear, right?

Eric Winter has this really wonderfully exasperated way of saying, "What!?" where you can really hear both the exclamation point and the question mark.

It reminds me of David Tenant during his run on Doctor Who. There was an entire scene in the TARDIS where he said "What!?" several times, and that was pretty much all he had to say on his first meeting of Donna.

It's. So. Funny. To have the ability to make a word funny. David Tenant and Eric Winter share that "What!?" power, and I kinda think Tim would enjoy the reference (see Season 4 to understand why).

"What's that saying? Those who can't do, teach?" *laugh*

We got a Tim laugh!? I mean, he made himself laugh, but it's still so cuuuuute. Like, rough, tough, mean-faced Tim having a chuckle is somehow so endearing. Especially at this phase, when we haven't seen him even smile much.

FAST FORWARD: There will be a day when we see smiley Tim. If you're just watching for the first time and wondering if it's coming... Tim's arc is one of the most complete (thus far) of the show. Stay tuned...

"You were literally my teacher. What are you saying?"

Ah, yes, the one indication that this episode was written in a post-"Amber" world where Lucy is no longer a Rookie.

See, the early days of COVID were a fustercluck for productions. I happen to know some people who worked through it, and there were so many different models of how to cope with it, copious amounts of hand sanitizer, masks, zones, wait periods in hotels for a week after landing, etc.

Now, there are more structured COVID protocols, but in the early days we knew so little about what was happening, and it impacted productions, ended series before they began, and delayed some seasons of shows that have now been permanently shelved.

So, Season 3's episodes aired in a very strange order compared to how it was written. Now, I'm grateful that the writers established Lucy and Tim's new dynamic early in the season so that's it's consistent, even when she's no longer his Rookie. So, I don't feel the need to call-out the air date vs production number, much.

But since the lower third provided for Tim and Lucy identified her as a Rookie, we know that this is supposed to happen during her Rookie year. But this one word lets us know something is amiss, if we're really paying attention.

And, golly, it's a word. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but trying to clarify for anyone who might not be aware of the whole Pandemic-fucked-everyone-over nature of Season 3 that makes this one word out of place.

So, if you ever wondered why Lucy used past tense instead of present tense, there's your answer.

Synchronicity

The moment they learn someone they know has been affected, they turn to one another.

And I love the synchronicity, here. Tim and Lucy have worked together a year, at this point, and they are very in sync with one another.

FAST FORWARD: Watch them undercover in 5x01 with how they sort of shift with one another, as though there's a cosmic pull between them that waves and they move with it. I feel that the evolution of their synchronicity really starts here in Season 3.

"It's LA. It's not the first time I've found a script at a crime scene." "I've only been on the job for a year and I've already found three." "Have either of you ever written one?" "God, no." *silence* "It was for a class."

Because she knows how he feels about screenwriters. If only Caleb had said "screenwriter" as his profession because then Tim would've locked him up right away.

"He was trying to cut her out—from the script, the cult, and the money."

True Crime Kink Activated. Look at how Lucy Chen is scoping out her future husband when he rattles off some Law-and-Order level soundbite. Girlfriend is surprisingly turned on at those words rolling off of his tongue. Oooh, the places that tongue could go.

*ahem* Now, Lucy's not going to jump his bones anytime soon, but there's definitely a moment there where she's finding Tim Bradford a little hotter than usual.

Who would've known the key to Lucy's heart was an oxford comma?

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right?" "Cool. Way to trivialize female anger." "Hey, I'm not trivializing. All sorts of crimes are motivated by jealous ex-partners." "And how many of those ex-partners are men?" "Most."

See!? See what I mean!? These two are hilarious. We've seen Lucy call Tim on stuff, before, but this format is allowing them to be hilarious with it.

And I love the way he gives her the side-eye before saying "most". It reminds me of the side-eye he will give Grey in a future episode when having to tell a story he'd rather keep private.

"I heard it was Office Chen who broke the case wide open." "I don't know if I'd describe it quite that way." "How would you describe it then?"

Married. This is so married. Because Lucy is giving him the "don't try me" wife face, glaring at her man on-camera for mass consumption.

The fact that he stares right back and doesn't turn to ashes is only because Lucy didn't want to commit murder on-camera. But I love the way Melissa O'Neil is playing Lucy's confidence in this episode.

"Her addiction to social media finally paid off." "That is hurtful."

I bet he's not even on Social Media. That makes it easier for whatever relationships he'll have along the way before he and Lucy finally get it together (I have faith). No need to change your relationship status online when you don't have it listed to begin with.

That said, Lucy's Mom totally has a shadow account that she uses to stalk her daughter to spy and see if she's found a stable man, yet.

The Wrong Video

I love how embarrassed Lucy is, and how Tim tries to get a look at what the heck she played before she gets it onto the right video. He looks actively concerned. Like, "Please don't tell me you're one of those 'dance challenge' girls because I was just starting to respect you."

And, look, no shade from me. But Tim Bradford likes to throw shade, and I'm betting he'd throw some on Lucy if he'd gotten a glimpse of that video.

"Okay, look, the case was definitely weird. But, I mean, come on, all this? This feels so exploitational. The low-hanging fruit of celebrity scandal and murder."

Tim is not wrong. A lot of what is on television relating to celebrity scandal is exploitative. But I love Lucy, here. Melissa O'Neil gets a lot to play with in this episode, and she does not let it go to waste.

She has nailed the withering sigh of your wife sitting beside you as she lets you rant and dig your own grave.

"You should be making serious documentaries about things that really matter." "My last film was about climate injustice in Puerto Rico. It won a BAFTA." "Oh. Well. Alright, then."

And Lucy's withering sigh has transitioned to a knowing look. Like, Tim, you need to talk to your wife about this stuff, more. She has the 411 and will keep you from getting embarrassed.

"You got, you got something in your hair." "What?" "It's kind of-." "Has it been there the whole time?" "Yeah, it's pretty big. Let's get out of here." "I would tell you if you had broccoli in your teeth, man. What the heck?"

Am I the only one who thinks there wasn't really anything there? Because, Tim is so ready to be done with this, and Lucy's high over doing the interview is totally annoying him.

"Bad Blood"

Breaking Up... In A Text

Look, this is totally the coward's way out... but when Lucy's face lit up to see his message, I might've vomited in my mouth a little.

So, seeing him break it off brought out a little cheer. Huzzah! But, oh, no, poor Lucy. But *whispers* huzzah Chenford *whispers*.

I've never had someone break up with me over text... because the only person I've dated since Text Messaging has been widely available is my husband. I remember the first time we saw people texting all the time in England and we couldn't quite get why.

But I did have a boyfriend break up with me over the phone on my 17th birthday... the week of prom... because he was cheating on me because I wouldn't sleep with my first boyfriend 2 months into dating him. Later found out the entire reason we dated was because he had a reputation as a "de-virginator" and none of our friends warned me. I don't keep in touch with most of them anymore.

So, while I'm not quite on Lucy's level of indignation, I understand the frustration to have your boo cut it off in the most cowardly way available.

And putting Tim in the middle!? Emmett, my man, what are you doing!? You already have one half of Chenford wanting to set you on fire. Piss of Tim and he'll happily help her finish the job.

"I can't believe him... breaking up with me by text? What is he, 14? He doesn't have the guts to do it in person?" "Most guys don't."

Tim looks over to Jackson on that beat. I bet Tim would never do that, but he's also only got his own limited experience. Jackson's actually dated other men, so he knows better than Tim, in this case.

"Look, just be happy he didn't ghost you." "Can we get to work now?" "Did Emmett talk to you about this?" "No. Why would he?" "Because you're friends." "We don't talk feelings. We drink and watch sports together." "That's guy for friends." "Straight guy for friends."

I think Lucy doesn't quite yet understand what Tim considers a "friend". Because, at this point Tim does have one solid friend. Angela.

And, yes, we are in the era of Tim and Lucy being friends, but I'd argue it isn't until Season 4 when they are as interwoven into each other's lives (if not moreso) than Tim and Angela.

Also to note... Lucy is holding her phone the entire scene. She quite literally can't let it go.

"Look, you want my advice-"

She does. Look at her open-mouthed, wide-eyed, hoping he'll say something to make this atrocity better. And she did tell him that she values his opinion.

Gosh, I wish I could tell her to lower her expectations right about now.

"Walk it off. Clearly he's the wrong guy for you."

As said by her future husband. What? I couldn't leave that alone! Emmett is definitely the wrong guy for Lucy. But Tim's still learning how to comfort Lucy, and this time wow did our boy get it wrong.

"It's the same advice he would give me if I got hit by a pitch. What is wrong with men?"

Trust me, Lucy. Someday you'll come to appreciate his sports metaphors. And find a new appreciation for baseball!

Yes, I try to write these without foreknowledge, but c'mon! It's right there!

"Have you ever been dumped out of the blue before?" "Let me think. One time my wife left the house in the middle of the night and I didn't see her again for two years."

Yeahhh... Um. I'm not touching that. Because Tim Bradford's being flippant, and it's warranted here.

But (yes, there's a but), Tim doesn't understand all of Lucy's hangups about how she sees herself, yet. He doesn't fully understand the weight of her mother's expectations. And how she has never felt enough.

Like, she can handle romantic rejection. She doesn't like it, but she can handle it. But why wasn't she worth a real breakup? That's what's playing in her head. She need to know the why. Why wasn't she good enough for some basic decency?

"Okay, I get it, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't that bad. I just want to know why. Can you please ask?"

If she can understand it, she can process it. But we all know Tim isn't asking his drinking buddy about his feelings—unless that feeling is about how he feels about the Rams not living up to their potential.

"He must've been a seriously hardcore guy for you to obsess like that. What was his main crime?"

Because Tim would only obsess if it was something important, right? Right!?

"3EYEZ tagged your shop back when you were a Rookie?" "My TO was chasing a suspect. I was guarding a vehicle full of evidence." "A vehicle that was ten feet away from your Shop. It's right in your notes."

I love how Tim's trying to rationalize this away. He has a habit of doing that when he's called out—trying to minimize his own embarrassment by stating facts. (Trust me, he does it at the beginning of 5x01 with Angela)

But, Timmy, Lucy's got the facts in her hands. And you totally dropped the ball.

"I was ordered to keep my eyes on the car. I'd just left the Army where you follow orders to a T."

He thinks this'll get her to back down, but Lucy's long past being afraid of Tim. In fact, she's openly laughing at him. And I low-key love it because this is a form of flirtatious teasing.

Look, these two have a completely unique language. Pranks. Embarrassing photos. And even this harmless giggling.

They're comfortable around each other, and by now they know what's crossing the line with each other. So, it doesn't bother me that Lucy's teasing him, here. In fact, I think it's adorable.

"Oh, man, I can just imagine the relentless teasing. Did they give you a nickname? Please say yes." *yoinks paper* "No."

But your eyes say yes. Wow, now I sound like some of those creepy Christmas songs from the 50's. You know the ones.

"That's why you're so intent on catching this guy. It's personal."

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Look, when Tim tried to call in the cavalry when he first saw the tag, I wondered what the hell I was missing. Lucy, apparently, was, too.

Is this tag a symbol of a gang war? Or a killing spree? What terrible, horrible thing is going to happen because of this?

Nada. Nothing. Nil. Except maybe Tim Bradford's ego getting a bit bruised.

"Even if we were to track him down for tagging our Shop, it's a misdemeanor. Is that really the best use of our time?" *yoinks another paper* "I will get us a fresh Shop."

There's something so delicious about Tim's silent protest via yoinking those papers. And Lucy knows him well enough that they're done talking.

Look, these episodes aren't about pent up sexual tension or the angst of longing. These are foundational episodes, and what we're seeing is Tim and Lucy learning to work together. They're increasingly a unit in Season 3, even though Lucy spends most of it still his Rookie.

They're learning how to communicate with one another. So, if they ever do get their acts together, they're already going to have that part down pretty well.

"Let's go. Not a word about the Shop."

He knows her well enough to know that she'll tease him. She knows him well enough that if he says he doesn't want it, she's not going to do it.

See? They're communicating!

"What? You disapprove. You think I'm just dating him to make Emmet jealous? Heck, yeah. Maybe I am. But, he deserves it. Will you say something, please?"

Lucy processes by talking it out, we know, and when Tim doesn't interject, she starts projecting. Because even she knows going out with this guy isn't purely motivated. She's hurting and lashing out, and she knows it.

Tim's simply listening. But when she asks him to speak, he realizes that's what she needs.

See? Communicating!

"Today's the first time you've talked about Emmett in weeks." "You hate it when I talk about personal stuff."

Nice excuse. Look, Tim and Lucy are mirroring each other a lot this episode. They both have personal things that they're obsessing over that are clouding their judgment and thoughts.

And they're both rationalizing. Tim rationalized missing the tagger when he was a Rookie by saying he was just following orders. Lucy is rationalizing not talking about Emmett by defaulting to Tim's dislike of personal talk in the Shop.

They're both not thinking clearly. And, of course, it takes the other to help them get through.

"And yet you still do. But in all those conversations, you haven't said one word about your boyfriend." "What are you saying?" "Look, maybe Emmett treated the relationship like it didn't matter because you treated it like it didn't matter."

The realization hits her that he's right. It's one of those rare moments where Tim's the one helping Lucy examine herself. But that's what I love about them. They help refine one another. It's a give and take, and not just one person "healing" the other.

Tim and Lucy are on their own, personal journeys to healing and self-realization. But, I'll argue, each is a vital part of that journey. But to give one or the other full credit is to ignore the individual's effort to grow.

Tim and Lucy are growing together. And I love that so much more than one patching the other up. We're not patching up holes, we're actually healing. Yes, there will always be scars. But the healing makes it all so much more bearable, and so much easier to fully live, again.

But when he sees the realization hit her, his gaze softens. Tim hates to see her in pain. But we're not quite at the point where he's going to offer her comfort, especially on the job.

After all, Lucy is still his Rookie, and he needs to keep the lines firm between them. Because, if he were honest, he'd realize they're already getting blurrier and blurrier.

"Alright. Focus up. You read the file. Do you think 3EYEZ is done for the day?"

Tim's trying to get her back on track, like he has so many times before. But, Tim knows her well enough to know that sometimes barking out orders isn't enough for Lucy.

She needs something to help her switch her brain, something else to think about. They've done her mock-plan of how to sabotage her ex's wedding, before. This time, Tim tries a different tactic—he offers a piece of himself.

"Eagle Eye."

Lucy looks at him with confusion while I shove my face into a pillow so the kids don't hear me squealing and come running in here, mistaking it for screaming.

Tim doesn't have to do this. But he wants to. He wants to let Lucy Chen in just a little more.

"What?" "The nickname I got. After the Shop got tagged right under my nose." *giggle* "But it wasn't my TO who came up with it. It was Isabel. It kind of became her pet name for me." "Aw. That's sweet."

It's still hard for him to talk about Isabel. Those wounds are still healing, even though he's tested the dating pool a little. And it's important to remember that he and Isabel did have good times. There was a time when Tim had a lot of happiness in his life.

But he opens up a little to Lucy, here. He gives her insight. He gives a little of himself. And that's huge. He's starting to talk about Isabel without tearing up, without scowling, without the same agonizing pain striking his chest.

It still hurts. To a degree, it'll always hurt. But it's starting to heal. And I love that when he's starting to get healthier, the first person who gets to see it is Lucy.

We're not to the point of them swapping saliva and dreaming of the other's taste. But, we're building a really solid friendship. Heck, Lucy giggled when Tim opened up just now.

And I've talked about it a bit in this Meta, but I think it's important to draw out that Lucy has become comfortable to him. Why is this important?

FAST FORWARD: Remember the famous double date of S4? Why did Tim invite Lucy? Because he wanted a source of comfort in this truly uncomfortable situation. So, later when Bargain Barbie remarks about his creature comforts and about how he needs to get out and do more... nobody takes into account that Lucy is one of his comforts. So, once he and Lucy start dating, they are out all the time together. Why? Because he doesn't need all the other comforts when he's with her. Lucy is his comfort.

Thank y'all for reading and going on this journey with me. I think with this Meta, I've finished my tour of Season 3! It was a short season, so that made it a bit easier to chunk out.

And sorry this one took so long. My roof's leaking and it looks like I'm emptying out my 401K to replace it. It's always something, but I remain grateful. I've faced my death a few times in my lifetime, so every day I'm given is an absolute gift.

Just gotta take it one breath at a time.

[ask-but-beware-the-consequences]

Note: OK, first things first, I started drawing this while traveling on a bus, in an Easternish Europian country, so the roads were very bumpy and it was hard to write, so I'm going to write here the texts too. I hope you like this short story I came up with! ^^ (I'm obsessed with putting easter eggs into everything)

1: God: Today I unite you, God: And all shall witness.

[Crowley hides themselves with his wings] 2: A: It's alright, my darling. No needd to cover me. God: He is right, Crowley. You can't fight anyone's fate. God: For it has already been written. God: My sweet children, I have sent humanity for you to learn from. God: And you two were the first ones, who ever did. Crowley, my fallen archangel, Raphael, guardian demon of the tree, and aid of humanity…- A: What?! You're an archangel?

3: C: Does it matter now? A: N-no. God: Aziraphale, principality of the Eastern gate… my softest angel. Your worries may layed to rest, for from this day forward, you shan't leave one another. God: Take my gift, he will be the guardian of humanity. The fruit of your love will be Rathma. A, and C: What?! God: Demon, will you take my gift, and his hand? C: … I'd like to hear it from him first! God: Very well, angel? A: Crowley… I will.

4: C: Then, C: I will too… God: You may kiss your spouse.

5:

6: later, somewhere in London [wings flap, they are falling apart, from being untangled from their wings, finally falling back into cushions at the library] C: What- What just happened? A: I think… we just got married.

7: C: Angel. Did you really want this? C: I mean, them leaving us alone is nice and all, but… Isn't this going too fast for you? A: Crowley, dear. This was just a ceremony of spending our time together. I think we already did that for 6000 years. C: Did you not hear the part about Rathma?! A: Crowley, I will do no such thing until I know you can love me. C: Oh, so you mean to tell me, you also don't have free will. Beacuse angels can't have that.

8: C: You just heard Her. We are on our own side. C: You didn't say yes, just because you were forced, right? A: It's not as if we can't set our own pace. She didn't say any date. C: So you do lov- A: Ahah, would you like some wine? Let's get drunk! [alcohol appears]

9: C: …sure. I'd like to be summoned while I'm too drunk to care about the change of surroundings. If that happens again. [Bunch of alcohol later] C: My point is… Ducks! [A: again?] C: They have eggs. Real good parental defene… defenend… guardians! Put their heir in an egg! Kids fresh out the egg can run! See! Speak too! Snakes have eggs!

10: A: So you're suggesting we should also store them in an egg? C: I-I-I I mean, I don't suppose any of us want to carry them the way others do, right? A: Like humans? C: Imagine fish… A: Ugh… I'd rather not. A: Do we even carry them? How-… Do they?… How would we even get there? I don't think others have done it before.

11: A: How are angels born? C: Why ask me? You're the angel! A: You were an archangel! You should know more than I do! C: I-I don't know! C: God sorta just created them! In adult form. Or at least in a permanent state. C: …You don't think-. They will just show up anytime? A: She said they'll be born as the fruit of our love… A: wait. A: If we are good and evil. Then they will be good and evil. But humans are good and evil. What if they will be human? They grow so fast!!

12: C: I go for a longer nap and they might be old or dead! [Even more alcohol later…] A: I can't help it, I'm an 'Ngel! I'm made out of love. I can only love you. Even if you can't- [Drunk vision begins] C: No. Angel,

13: C: I'm sorry if you ever thought that. If you ever held back because of me. Of fear I'd hurt you. C: I can't ask you to believe me, I only earned distrust for my fall. But I have loved you since the moment we first met. Even if I hate to admit it. There's no other being I want to protect more than you. If not me, the nature of the animal I've been cursed with, can be believed.

14: A: Crowley… You just said that you love me! C: I-… I did? Aziraphale, barely can be heard: Dear, you're shaking! Are you alright? Oh don't fear, it is mutual, rea…

[Crowley's brain has stopped working] 15: [Reality check starts, drunk vision ends] C: OFC I LOVE YOU, ANGEL! PLEASE! IT'S BEEN 6000 YEARS! hic WHAT DO YOU MEAN I GO TOO FAST FOR YOU?!! HUMANS NEED LIKE ONE YEAR. Why do you think I slept so much?! "Devil don't sleep", Angel! I-… [reciting of the last words, showing they really were said]

[Time was spent, and now it's morning] 16: A: Mhm… C: Nothing's too fast for you now, is it? A: You're never going to let that go, will you? C: That's basic standard~ C: Angel. Will you marry me? A: But we're already married? C: I want it to be your decision. When you want it. When you're ready. A: Crowley~ You're the nicest being that I ever known, [C: That's a problem] A: Of course, I will!

17: [much later, in Raphael's church, with Raphael's painting showing him holding a snake. Others have been invited too.] C and A: I do. [A: Now that I think about it, it's kind of obvious]

18: It has been ages since they were on earth. [ominous humming] In their celestial star-shape. A star smelter, in the sky. A new star was believed to have occoured. And a new star was born. (A demigod).

19: And soon, delivered to Earth. Vanishing from the night sky. An Angel's egg. [later, at their cottage house] A: Crowley~ [Crowley is shown in snake form, holding a marker, indicating he drew on the egg the shades]

The end!

Thank you for reading!

[heretherebedork]

Tagged by @pose4photoml and why not, it's still summer break.

Name: Francis

Star Sign: Aquarius

Height: 5'11

Time: 10:51 am (almost Unforgotten Night time!!!!)

Birthday: January 27th

Favorite Bands/Favorite Solo Artists:  Uh. Dan the Bard? lol sorry y'all my music is eclectic, random and very sporadic. I pretty much... don't listen to music unless I'm on public transit?

Last Movie: No goddamn idea. No clue. I don't watch movies much at this point and don't really plan to? OH! I think I rewatched the two Seven Days movies because @absolutebl talks about them so much and summer break means I am doing nothing.

Last Show: Minato Shouji Coin Laundry

When did I create this blog: 2011 or so. I was originally a Homestuck blog, just FYI. Yes, that's why I originally joined tumblr.

What I post: . BL stuff. Gifs, analysis, meta, criticism, responses to ask, deeper meta depending on the time and the occasional 'what weird food am I eating now!' which reminds me to do a post about the pickled strawberries and cherries I bought...

Last thing I googled: photopea not accepting video

Other Blogs: Nah. I have some sideblogs but they're all dead and mostly Homestuck.

Do I Get Asks?: Oddly regularly, yes.

Why I chose my url: I am dork and I am here and I like Shakespeare a lot this... weird phrasing is kinda my thing?

Following: 56 (look, I get a lot of anxiety about my dash moving too fast, so I limit my following and have a list of people that I just occasionally go look at. I'm working on being better about it but it's rough, especially considering my absolute urge to avoid all KP posts at this point...)

Followers: 3228

Average hours of sleep: 6-7, typically, less when I'm not keeping to a schedule because I stay up later but still automatically wake up early in the morning.

Instruments: none. None, none, none. I have no rhythm and I'm tone deaf and I tried to play music and all those poor teachers... suffered.

What am I wearing: boxers. It's summer in Chicago, even my AC isn't enough to convince me to wear a shirt I don't need to

Dream job(s): Pretty much what I do? I'm good at it and I love it.

Favorite Food: Sushi definitely at the tops but I also have a very special place in my heart for several Thai dishes, anything chocolate, really good deep dish pizza and butter chicken

Nationality: American

Favorite Song(s):  People can choose?

Currently playing on repeat:  Uh. Again. Music? Not my thing. Currently... JAX's "I Know Victoria's Secret" because it's been caught in my head for a while.

Last book I read: Animorphs Graphic Novel #2

Top 3 fictional universes I’d like to live in: lol I'd be so bad in any fictional universe... Discworld because frankly I'd probably just lead the same life there only with magic, Elfquest on the basis of being an Elf, Animorphs (which is just the real world but also with aliens and shapeshifting, let's be honest)

I'm not going to tag anyone to do this but I'll tag @absolutebl and @iguessitsjustme because I saw both of them do it and wanna make them read my answers. :P

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #202

(Woof, we were almost a day late. Sorry about that, just got a second job. The first one at Facebook isn't working out that great. Anyway!)

Today on Fate and Phantasms we're getting a little bit beastly with the help of Atalante (Alter)! Move fast, hit hard, and outlast anyone who gets in your way. She's a Beast Barbarian for some beastly armaments and extra mobility, plus a Brute Fighter to hit harder and last longer.

Check out her build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!

Next up: They say every mentor learns from his students. This next servant really took that lesson to heart.

Race and Background

This Atalante is still a Shifter, but thanks to that beast's hide she's wearing, she's now a Beasthide Shifter, giving her +1 Strength and +2 Constitution (Thanks, Tasha!) She also gets Darkvision, Keen Senses for Perception proficiency, and a Toughness that gives her proficiency with Athletics. The big purpose of the class, however, is Shifting. You can transform into a fuzzier version of yourself for up to a minute once per short rest. Because you're a beasthide, your shift is a bit tougher than most; you gain 1d6+your level+ your constitution modifier temporary hit points, and your AC goes up by 1.

You're also still an Outlander, giving you Survival proficiency to live off of hydras. You would normally get athletics too, but you've got that already, so grab Persuasion instead. You're able to keep Yagas together, that's no small feat.

Ability Scores

You might be a wild animal now, but your speed is still your greatest asset, so your Dexterity should still be pretty high. Second highest now is your Constitution, that hide you've got on is really tough. And distracting, I mean you look like a goddamn Power Rangers villain. You kill things with your bare hands, so your Strength has to be up to snuff too. Your Wisdom is also above average, the Yaga seem to like you fine. This means your Intelligence isn't that great- you're not Chiron's star pupil this time. Finally, dump Charisma. You're a terrible liar, and you're hard to get along with.

Class Levels

Barbarian 1: Starting off as a barbarian makes your AC even better, thanks to Unarmored Defense. Now you can add your constitution and your dexterity modifiers to your AC while unarmored. (I know you technically get armor later, but it completely avoids your vital organs, so I'm not counting it.) You also get Rage, spending a bonus action to make you stronger (advantage on strength saves & checks), tougher (resistance to physical damage) and more brutal (bonus damage from strength-based attacks). Oh right, you also get proficiencies. Strength and Constitution saves, plus Intimidation and Nature skills. You're a scary wild animal, yes you are, yes you are!

Fighter 1: You still need weapons though, and rather than wait for two levels for your subclass, we'll go into Fighter right now for an Unarmed Fighting Style. You can punch people for 1d6 damage (1d8 if you have two hands free), and you can deal damage to grappled creatures if you start your turn holding onto them. You also get a Second Wind, healing yourself as a bonus action.

Barbarian 2: Second level barbs can make Reckless Attacks; you get advantage, your enemies get advantage, everyone wins! Except your enemies, because they'll all be dead before they get a turn. You also get a Danger Sense that gives you advantage on dexterity saves. You're still kind of a cat, I guess.

Barbarian 3: Third level barbarians set down a primal path, and the path of the Beast is for those who want to rip and tear, until the job is done. Right now you get a Form of the Beast when you rage, giving you one of three natural weapons. You can bite, dealing 1d8 piercing damage and regaining HP once per turn if you're bloodied. Otherwise, you can use your Claws to deal 1d6 slashing damage, and you get one extra attack with them per turn. The last one's less in character, but you can still grow a Tail if you want, dealing 1d8 piercing damage on attack, and you can use your reaction to apply a d8 to your AC against an attack that hit you. You also get Primal Knowledge in another barbarian skill. Pick up Animal Handling, it might help with the Yaga.

Barbarian 4: Bump up your Strength for better fighting. Real simple.

Barbarian 5: Fifth level barbs get an Extra Attack each attack action, as well as Fast Movement giving you an extra 10' of speed each turn. Turns out, you're fast! Who knew!

Barbarian 6: Sixth level beastbarians find their Bestial Soul, making their rage weapons magical against resistances. Whenever you finish a rest, you can also Self Evolve in one of three ways. You can gain a swiming speed and breathe underwater, a climbing speed that negates the need for climbing checks, or you can add an Athletics check to your jump distance once per turn. Normally, you can make an 8 foot long jump without runnig. Now you can jump a distance between 15' and 34'. It's a pretty good jump boost. The jump is the most in-character, but feel free to evolve whatever you need for the situation.

Barbarian 7: Seventh level barbarians grow even faster, with their Feral Instincts giving them advantage on initiative rolls, and you can ignore a surprise round by raging. Which you'd probably do anyway, so just roll with it. Speaking of raging, when you do so, you can make an Instinctive Pounce to move half your speed as part of the bonus action. You're not as fast as your archer self, but this'll help close the gap.

Fighter 2: Yep, we've got enough primal stuff, time to make it hurt. Bouncing back to fighter now gets you an Action Surge. Once per short rest, you can add an extra action to your turn, no strings attached. Use this to attack and you can hit people four times per turn, or five times with your claws!

Fighter 3: Third level fighters get their martial archetype, and becoming a Brute makes you a bit more heavy-handed. Your Brute Force lets you add a d4 to every damage roll you make with your weapons, and the die grows as you level up. This means your teeth are now arguably as strong as a greatsword.

Fighter 4: Another ASI! Bump up your Strength.

Fighter 5: Unfortunately, the fifth level of fighter gets you absolutely nothing. Extra attack doesn't stack like that. :(

Fighter 6: Use this ASI to grab the Mobile feat, for extra movement and the ability to shut down the attacks of opportunity from anyone you tried to hit this turn. Getting hit is for slow people.

Fighter 7: Seventh level brutes get Brutish Durability, adding a d6 to every save they make, up to and including death saves. If this brings a death save to a total of 20 or higher, you automatically pop back up with 1 HP. Barbarians tend to make the most death saves out of any party member, might as well be good at it.

Fighter 8: Another ASI! Grab the Martial Adept feat for a superiority die (1d6) that you can use to perform one of two Battle Master Maneuvers once per short rest. A big part of this build is adaptability, so the final say in what maneuvers you get is up to you. That being said, I highly recommend Ambush for a boost to stealth and initiative rolls, or Maneuvering Attack for even more mobility. It adds damage to your attack, and you can let one friendly creature (including you) move half its speed without provoking opportunity attacks from the target.

Fighter 9: Now that you're Indomitable, you can re-roll a failed saving throw once per long rest. I know berserkers are glass cannons in FGO, but that's just how they flavor their easily tricked nature, really they're hard as hell to fight, even if you've got fireballs and shit.

Fighter 10: Tenth level brutes get a bigger Brute Force die, now you add 1d6 to every attack, so your hands are as powerful as a greatsword. You also get an Additional Fighting Style, so grab Superior Technique for a second superiority die per rest and a third maneuver of your choice.

Fighter 11: Eleventh level fighters get another Extra Attack, and this one does stack, so you can attack up to 6 times per turn, or 7 with your claws and your action surge.

Fighter 12: Use your last ASI to become Resilient to Dexterity saves. You get +1 dexterity, and proficiency with that kind of save. So yeah, you now have advantage, proficiency, and an extra 1d6 against that fireball. Good luck, spellcasters.

Fighter 13: Our capstone level is a second use of Indomitable per day. Not the flashiest way to end a build, but at least you're not a sorcerer.

Pros and Cons

Pros:

When you want to hurt someone, they really hurt. With four claw attacks and three unarmed attacks, all boosted by rage, maneuvers, and brute force, you can deal 3d8+13d6+42. And those are all with advantage, so you've got a good chance of dealing a crit. Even without that chance, you can still deal over 100 damage in a single turn with average rolls.

You've also got plenty of Mobility to stay on top of your prey, with a base movement of 50' per turn and the ability to jump an absolute minimum of 20', or you can swap in other kinds of movement if you're going to the sea or a cliff face. You've also got several ways to pour more speed in if you need it. You won't be able to win a race against your archer self, but you'll definitely make her work for it.

Your saves are ridiculous, especially your physical ones. You've got proficiency in all three, good scores, an additional 1d6, and your strength and dexterity saves probably have advantage. If people try to get through your hide, they'll find your skin is just as tough, with an AC of 16-17, damage resistance, almost 200 HP, and plenty of ways to heal yourself.

Cons:

If you can't catch up to a person, your range means you're screwed. Your best weapons are all melee range, and you'll just end up chasing them around like a fool. (Technically you can just... pick up a bow and use it, you're a fighter after all, but we're playing to character.)

Despite your save shenanigans, your low charisma means you still might end up getting shunted to another dimension. That would explain how you got to the lostbelt, though....

We spent a whole feat and fighting style on those superiority dice, and to be honest they're probably not worth the effort. Bumping up your strength and picking up the Mariner style would be just as useful, if less customizable.

[deafeningwizardsquare]

An iconic duo sharing a moment while people IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT SEASON 3.

As many of you may assume, this is definitely a Quidditch stan account. I adore the storyline, the characters are liveable and funny, Orion & Murphy & Skye are the true definition of "iconic", the dialogues are catchy, definatly my gallery is going to kill me one of these days for that and even if it's not free from the infamous plot holes and (in)famous presence of questionable people inside I'm fine with the final product.

So fine that I decided to restart again just for the Quidditch.

Lies, I have four account. Felix won't kill me if I spend most of my time with the Slyterin route in a Quidditch camp instead of, you know, earning house points.

The first two seasons had their strong sides (such as the characters's structure, a genuine good plot and an impressive mature way to talk about really huge things) such as their weaks (Ethan Parkin, Ethan Parkin, Ethan Parkin, way too much drama, SKYE, Rath'a logic that sometimes went on a vacation on the Maldives, Murphy and the zoom, Orion and his murderous Orionism and of course Penny that is everywhere at anytime) but season 3 is a big interrogative.

Is it good or bad?

Well, let me tell you: well but not so well?

Starting from the fact that this was supposed to be the season in which it is essential to test yourself to achieve a purpose and how SKYE HAS STOPPED BEING THE MANIAC OF THE VILLAGE(SCREAM!)

There are some weird stuff (no sense could just be a good synonymous but it fits better "boring") and honestly they are making me turn up my nose.

A lot.

The premises were objectively excellent and I will tell you, although they recycled the mechanics of "atomic bombs did much less damage than Erika Rath's bludgers" it must be said that the plot pretext was used well (hitting the captain it surely is a best plot twist than Skye's rips, it gave me a better impact and surely is a practical way to showing at the player what you are going to focus this year) because when the poor Orion made a presumably fatal fall (but it's the magical world of Hogwarts Mystery so let's avoid serious considerations) we could see that yes, Skye's development was a little bit too fast (with that genre of father with a certain mentality clarly the matter deserved a more concrete action on the material level of events but Skye remains human and the way of managing all that emotional tangle that the dear daddy had kindly offered her is justifiable since the method with which things are lived changes from individual to individual. Whatsoever if we consider that a conversation like the same that MC had with both father in daughter it's the deus ex machina of the TLSQ, show must go on, staying another second hearing Skye's existentialism's crisis could have ruined the mental stability of the palyers and we needed to move on for delevelopments it's fine. Rushed but fine. For who is Skye it can work) but effective thus allowing a relaxation on his part both towards Erika (best girl since forever) and towards Orion (some of their interactions are pure GOLD, the scene of the infirmary is one of these).

Above all seeing the team falter was a touch of class.

Funny how for Orion's sake everyone was ready to murder someone from the Rath's team and dying for the motherland while when the same thing happened to Skye nobody cared.

AT LEAST WE KNOW WHO IS THE TEAM'S FAVOURITE.

Good also the disciplinary measure from Madame Hooch (GO AND DO THE RESPONSIBLE ADULT THAT IS MISSING IN THIS GAME YES), nice to see Erika and Skye in the Great Hall doing the chores for detention "cinderella's style", good the secret-not-secret (as everything in this game DUH) and good that MC has embarked in his journey to obtain the leadership with your favourite partner in crime.

They give me "Mark Antony & Octavian" vibes.

Speaking of Skye and MC and since only now Murphy is remembering having a spoken role, let's not forget the former absolute protagonist of the scenes!

ORION AMARI.

Although the season had started in tragedy Orion in the lower chapters was the same good looking guy with an Italian surname, the most piercing of eyes and an enigmatic aura.

But since "enigmatic" perfectly rhymes with "problematic" it's been 7/8 chapters yet he disappeared with his superpowers and comes back just for doing screen time and for the fandom with all of his mysteries.

What happened to him?

Now, THAT was sa good point to start. Because you know everything about Skye, Murphy isn't exactly a closed book and Erika speaks for herself, but Orion?

What we know about him expect the old "I'm parent free?".

The fact that he lost hus spark and that maybe this could be a new opportunity to discover something else it's intriguing. He was never an authoritarian leader BUT aware and responsible of his position. And this made him perfectly functional to his role. Because he was the original guide of a team that needed someone who would put some limit on Skye and managed well all the dynamics that have happened in the span of 2/3 years.

Guys, he faced Ethan Parkin (a little parenthesis but IS ALWAYS AT HOGWARTS? That is, sooner or later he will start to work or do they get stuck in the air and bludgers in the ribs?) he and Rath had had babysitting Skye for the whole second season while MC was there like "MIND MY OWN BUSINESS, MIND MY OWN BUSINESS, MIND MY OW- OH DAMMIT!" and now things are getting complicated because we don't have many chances to talk to him and his rather arcanic tone does not help to clarify.

How MC will arrive at the objective (presumably to be a captain) is important. It's personal grow and characters NEED this. But Orion too is growing in a completely new direction. Don't overshadow him for ANOTHER Skye' drama prototype please.

What happened to him is not up to us mortals but we can do some hypothesis.

Orion, dear, WHAT HAPPENED?

You have a crush for Skye and you're thinking to visit a doctor? Did Snape attacked you? Ethan Parkin is (sadly) real? They served you some pineapple pizza? Italy won the Euro 2020 but you cheered for England?

DID YOU NOT RECEIVE THE SALARY?

Hopefully the triology of "yeah let's make a deja-vu and let's show to the players that we remember the whole 'heart/mind' stuff and that we are COHERENT' will end soon and we'll move on. Again.

Sigh, for now they were two pretty boring chapters.

Or should I say, the training with Andre, MC under the guide of coach Erika that singed "I'L MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOUUU" between a near death from fatigue (as if we were in The Sims), Skye doing what Skye usually do so screaming at people for (YOU HEARD THIS SCOMING) reasons and MC trying the hero pose as he/she was in Miraculous Ladybug were nice sketches.

BUT.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ORION'S CENTRIC.

Give me a joy JC, and I'll may forgive you about all the messes that YOU crated in ALMOST four years.

:'l

[elenajohansenreads]

Books I Read in 2021

#84 - The Glittering Court, by Richelle Mead

Mount TBR: 70/100

Rating: 1/5 stars

What did I like about this? It was digestible. Having just come off a heavy, plodding, disappointing fantasy read, the easy YA tell-don't-show narrative style went down smooth like a slushie on a hot day.

And that's the best thing I can say about the whole book--it read fast and easy.

What didn't I like?

1. The fact that this touts itself as fantasy when it's not in the least bit fantastical. I don't require my fantasy to have magic or creatures or zombies or anything, but if you're going to call something "fantasy" it should at least be about fictional cultures that the author has invented. This is just England colonizing the Americas with the names changed. The only thing that could be said to be "fantasy" is that the population they're displacing in the process isn't an indigenous one, it was established by previous outcasts from their own country--though that wasn't clear to me until the first time we met them and they were white, blond, and used woad as decoration. So they're not supposed to be Native American analogues, they're supposed to be displaced Picts?

2. Either way, it's still racist and pro-colonization, because even if the Icori aren't meant to represent an indigenous people, they're still clearly Other, and constantly labeled as "savages" in order to justify taking their land, which all of our protagonists are participating in, in some form. Does it matter what color this fictional group of people is, if the narrative is parroting real history and real racism?

3. The second half of the plot feels, at best, tenuously related to the first half. The change in fortune for our protagonists that happens at the midpoint struck me as so flimsy and unbelievable that it was hard to take the rest of the book seriously, and that made it more obvious to me who the real villain was, despite whatever weak red herrings were planted along the way. Seriously--the first half of the story is The Bridgertons but the second turns into Little House on the Prairie. It's too big a genre shift to make the transition seem natural.

4. There were times when I was approaching a reasonable level of sympathy for our heroine, despite her many flaws, but every time the story had a chance to explore those flaws and perhaps let the character do some work on them...well, she just kept being headstrong and selfish and whiny, right up until the LHotP section where after a single pep talk from the hero, she's completely changed, resolved to her new station in life with a determination that seemed half-delusional and certainly out of character. She didn't work for it, so it didn't seem real.

5. I did not know, having picked up this book in isolation, that the rest of the "series" is actually the same time period from the perspective of one of the other girls, specifically the two best friends of the heroine. Now that I do know that, the giant blank spaces in this story where Mira and Tamsin constantly fall out of it without explanation--or with the pointedly obvious lampshade "it's not my business so I'm not going to ask"--make sense structurally. However, that doesn't mean I don't think it's a terrible flaw, because these holes are constant and irritating. For a while in the middle of the book, it felt like every time I turned two pages, the heroine was asking out loud, "Where's Mira?" And pretty quickly I knew that question wouldn't be answered in this book, so why keep asking?

6. I never found Cedric compelling enough a hero to justify the constant sacrifices that Adelaide made for him. I don't think he's a terrible character, and I enjoyed some of their banter and their occasional fights, but I'm also not about to add him to my book-boyfriend list, so it was hard to imagine myself, or anyone for that matter, doing as much for him as Adelaide did.

7. Religion. Woooo boy. I guess this part is the "fantasy" I was lamenting the lack of earlier, because if the accepted and heretic forms of this fictional religion are supposed to correspond to real-world counterparts, I didn't pick up on it with enough certainty to tell. But my problem is that it's suddenly a Very Big Deal that one character is a heretic, when religion had played such a small part in the story leading up to that revelation that I was mostly operating on the assumption that the main religion was socially performative, and that no one in the story was especially devout. Adelaide certainly doesn't seem to be. But since this heresy becomes central to the conflict later on, I wish it had been better established in the beginning, because (again) the second half of the book seems wildly different than the first, and this was another aspect that made it hard to take seriously.

8. Heteronormative AF. There's one token queer person who has a minor role, showing up just long enough for Adelaide to realize other women/cultures don't abide by her society's rigid norms and to feel briefly uncomfortable about it. But there's no follow-up, no depth, no opportunity for Adelaide to grow beyond what she's been taught. To some extent, I'm okay with that--not every story has room for fighting LGBT+ battles, and even more simply put, stories are allowed to be about other things. But parading just that one wlw character out for a moment, and making her a foreigner to reinforce her otherness, strikes me as a really poor choice if the story didn't actually want to fight that battle. Why bring it up at all? Especially as this is supposed to be fantasy, why couldn't the Glittering Court be an institution that provides marriage candidates to both men and women? If the candidate pool was both male and female, and so was the clientele, then many forms of queerness would be covered by it without having to dig into specifics about each character. (It doesn't directly address ace/aro people, but presumably they'd be less interested in a marriage mart anyway, on either side, and self-select out of it.) I mean, I know why, because that would mean that in the New World there would have to be women in positions of power who needed husbands (or wives, yes, but this wrinkle is about men.) And there's no shortage of men in the colonies, so that doesn't track logically the same way the actual setup does. But again, if this is supposed to be fantasy....

[onebangtanstan]

Power Style - Chapter Six : The organization

« Are you okay, Ms Douglas? »

« Um, yes I guess. » I lie. « I'll just have to make adjustments for the campaign. »

I have no idea how I'm going to figure this out. I have to cram 2 months worth of work in 2 weeks. This is going to be intense.

We talk for a bit before I leave his office. As I walk back to my desk, I have an idea. I head for my phone and look for Tae.

"Hi Tae! I just found out about the launch being brought up. I need to be in contact with everyone to organize the shootings. Can you help me out?"

Send.

I start brainstorming ideas after letting my team know what's going on. We share all our ideas on an online drive. I add what I gathered last night from Tae.

A few minutes later, my phone dings. It's from a groupchat created by Taehyung. All members are in it, plus me. I start typing a text to say hello to everyone, but something appears on the screen. It's from RM "Is this necessary?". I figure this is Namjoon, and oh my God he infuriates me! I decide to not react and send my text anyway.

"Hi all! I'll be using this groupchat to let you know what's going on with the campaign, and give you details for shootings and all that. Have a good day!"

Someone answers immediately "I can't wait!! This is gonna be epic". It's from J-Hope. I'm still not familiar with all their stages names but from the energy of the text, I'm guessing it's Hoseok. Another text comes in from Jimin. "Whatever".

This is going to be hard. I'm used to dealing with clients, but usually there's only one person at a time. Right now I have 7 people with their own personalities to handle. I can't let my emotions get the best of me.

I get back to work, and head for a meeting with the whole team. We spend 2 hours figuring out what the campaign will be like and the schedule.

I grab my phone as soon as we're out and type a text to the band.

"Ok guys, things will happen very fast. Starting on Thursday, we will have individual shoots for each one of you. I'll send you the schedule. Next Friday is the group shoot. Sorry about the rush."

I put my notes from the meeting back in my office and head for lunch. I'll be eating it in my office though. Thursday is 2 days away, and I have so much to do.

DING.

I check my phone.

"Hey, about what you said last night, could we meet tomorrow maybe? Yoongi"

I'm glad I came through to him. We decide to go for dinner in the city center.

The next hours are only dedicated to finding the perfect settings for shootings. Every individual shoot needs to be different, but the feel of the campaign has to be the same.

I don't think I've had a harder job to do.

The next day is the same. Meeting on top of meeting with every designer, stylist, photographer and everyone needed for the shoot. My team and I are exhausted, but we finally have everything planned out.

I get home at 5 pm and get ready for my dinner with Yoongi. I go for something casual, but chic. My black and red dress if perfect for tonight. I pair it with my long black coat and knee-high boots.

Gina’s outfit for the evening

He's already there when I get to the restaurant. I sit down in front of him in silence. We both feel awkward being around each other, but also at ease.

He looks very cute like this. He's wearing all black clothes, a cap covering his hair. His golden jewelry contrasts with his look, and make his eyes pop.

"So, how's work?" He starts, trying to break the ice. I can tell he doesn't feel like he belongs here.

"Well, you guys have got me running all over the place, but it's interesting."

"Yeah sorry about that, there was a mix in our tour dates" He looks as annoyed as I am by the change.

"That's okay! Let's just say it's showbiz. Plus, it gives me an opportunity to challenge myself." He's looking down, but I see him smile. "Please, tell me about your ideas!"

He looks up and starts exposing his thoughts. The more he talks, the more his face opens up. He's more relaxed on his chair too. He loves his job, I can tell. This is where he's comfortable. Talking about work. It's probably the same when he talks about music, or performs.

I take notes while he talks me through his vision. It's amazing. It corresponds with the vibe we've already set, so we can definitely integrate his ideas into his solo shoot.

We start eating, and make awkward smalltalk, each of us understanding that the other one isn't comfortable talking about their lives. But as we talk we feel ourselves getting looser around each other. We seem to be similar on certain aspects.

Both our phones bing at the same time. I'm guessing it's the groupchat. He looks at his phone and I think I see a sparkle in his eyes. He smiles as he reads the text.

"Hobi is excited for tomorrow" He lets me know. Hoseok is the first one to shoot and I think it's going to be fun. I think about his reaction when he saw it was a text from Hoseok. Weird..

"Are you close with the guys?" I ask him, hoping my question won't close him off again.

"Very" He answers after a few seconds. He hesitates to keep going, but he does so anyway "They're my family. I love them with all my heart, but like with all families, we have our ups and downs. By the way, I would like to apologize to you on behalf of Namjoon and Jimin. Jimin is not great these days, with the tour coming and the-" He stops himself. I question him with my eyes.

"It's not my story to tell" He continues "And Namjoon is just an asshole towards strangers. But he's particularly an asshole towards you, I don't understand why..."

"That's okay" I reassure him "We don't have to like each other, just act professionally. If I'm being honest, I don't like his vibe so I won't be talking to him unless it's for the campaign."

"Haha I like you, Gina" I can't help but smile as he says that. "I'm not the type to open up easily, but I feel drawn to you, in a soothing way."

"Weirdly I feel the same."

We look at each other for a second but quickly turn away from each other.

We just sit there in silence, while the restaurant empties itself. We leave too, and start walking through the streets of Seoul. His turtleneck and hat (and the fact that he's walking with me) cover the fact that he's an Idol. The city center is lovely tonight. There are still a lot of people in the streets, everything is lit up. The weather is nice too. Don't get me wrong it's fucking freezing, but it's not that bad for the end of February.

We don't say much while we walk. We just enjoy each others company. I haven't felt this comfortable around someone since Sarah. It's nice. It's weird to think a few hours ago we could barely have a conversation without feeling awkward, but right now we're walking around together.

"I had a great night" His voice is soft, and seems peaceful. Not like the rest of the time. I could sense the anxiety in him as soon as I saw him. I know too well what it looks like.

"Me too" I say back.

He hails a cab for me and gives money to the driver.

"Let's do this again" He opens the door for me and waves awkwardly goodbye. Aaaand he's back. I'm glad I got to see a glimpse of the real Yoongi tonight, even if it was for a few words.

I almost fall asleep in the cab. The intense days of brainstorming are catching up with me. I go straight to bed when I get home, knowing tomorrow is going to be a long day.

I can't wait though. Shootings are my favourite part of the job.

[scifinal]

DW s12e10: It's Quite Unfortunate That This Child Keeps On Regenerating

It's only fitting that the first post on a blog called "SciFinal" should be about a season finale.

Not that fitting is the fact that in said post I'm going to begin where it all started for me.

Part One: How I Even Got into This Mess of a Show in the First Place

While I call myself a huge Doctor Who fan, even a – *gasp* – Whovian, I must admit I am not as familiar with the franchise as I would like to be; I've seen the new show, I've seen Torchwood (though, admittedly, I had to force myself to finish the fourth season – but that's a story for another day), I've listened to a handful of audio dramas (including Kaldor City, which I consider to be canon for both DW and Blake's 7) – mostly Torchwood audio dramas, but who cares, – I've read a couple of comics, I've got a novel or two somewhere on my bookshelf, I've seen the first couple of seasons of the classic show, but that's about it. I can't say I grew up with it – it wasn't on TV when I was a kid, there isn't an official Ukrainian dub, et cetera, et cetera. I first heard about it when I was about thirteen, when my classmate did a project about something they liked – and was pretty dismissive of my peers' hobbies at the time, believing myself to be somewhat above them, so I didn't pay much attention.

Then somebody finally pressured me into watching it (I believe I was fifteen or something back then) and I loved it. The first two episodes of the first season, I mean. I watched those, texted my friend something like "consider me a Whovian now!" and abandoned the show completely only to return to it maybe several years later.

I loved it. This time, for real.

Doctor Who has been with me ever since that time, it has a big soft spot reserved for each and every Doctor ever in my heart, and for each and every companion. I know full well it's cheesy, and it's stupid, and it's technobabble-y, and it's glorious in all of its cheesy technobabble-y stupidity.

And I hate this finale.

Part Two: Doctor, Why

I hate this finale – because I hate Chris Chibnall. Mind you, not the gentleman himself (I don't even know what he looks like, and I can't be bothered to Google), I hate what he did to Doctor Who.

Now, when it was revealed that the would replace Steven Moffat I felt... nothing. What did you expect? I had no idea who the man was. I know now he's made Broadchurch, and I know he wrote a bunch of stuff for Torchwood back in the day, including Cyberwoman. I had to drop Broadchurch because of how well-handled the depressing atmosphere was, and I love the flawed, dumb, sexy-cyber-bikinied, almost-fifteen-minutes-of-Ianto's-whining-including (I know because some time ago I literally cut almost every single moment of Gareth David-Lloyd whimpering, moaning, groaning, screaming, and mugging at the camera out of the episode and made those bits and pieces into a beautiful clip show called "I HATE THIS" to explain exactly why his face was and still is so punchable) mindless fun that is Cyberwoman (this is also one of the two episodes in which they actually do something fun with the pterodactyl living inside Torchwood's underground base). The latter also led to the creation of one amazing in how it develops Ianto's character audio drama entitled "Broken". I love Broken. I am now forcing you to look at its cover because of how much I love it.

Here we go. Now, back to the point of me rambling pointlessly

In his video "Sherlock Is Garbage, and Here's Why", a well-known YouTuber hbomberguy pointed out how Steven Moffat's problem is that he is more than capable of writing a good one-off episodes, but ultimately fails at managing multiple complex, overarching stories, as visible when you look at the difference between Moffat's individual episodes and his run on the show.

Now, I believe that Chris Chibnall suffers from the same affliction: he's a good screenwriter but a terrible, terrible showrunner. Sure, he's made Broadchurch, but Broadchurch, in its essence, was a complete singular story with a beginning, a middle, and an end. There were no bigger, incomplete arcs expanding at the expense of other episodes, and the show did exactly what it was originally designed to do: it told an uninterrupted story.

Here comes Chris Chibnall's run on Doctor Who.

Now, while Steven Moffat was ultimately not very good at managing overarching stories, he tried to do so nonetheless, and the fans seemed to like his attempts. And while I can't be sure as to whether it was Chris' original vision for the show or he and his co-writers were merely trying to emulate Moffat, he attempted the same. A friend of mine has even pointed out how, to her, it was painfully obvious how the writers of the finale were desperately trying to copy Moffat's style (to give you some context, she grasped it from a 30-second clip of the CyberMasters' reveal, and that clip basically consisted of me filming my laptop's screen and laughing at their design, making the video wobbly and the audio distorted). At the time of writing this post this friend hasn't seen a single episode of Chibnall's era and, as far as I know, has no wish to do so – mainly because of two reasons that both have something to do with the finale:

Somebody's already spoiled it for her, so who cares;

I ranted to her about how shit this finale is and now she hates everything about Chibnall era.

I am very sorry for the latter, since I genuinely believe there are some nice episodes in these seasons, and I especially like the "historical" ones, they really are quite a lot of fun, I like Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison fighting badly CG-ed alien scorpions, I love Lord Byron and Mary Shelley running around a haunted house trying to escape from a Cyberman (even though it's all too similar to the Agatha Christie episode from Russel T Davies' run), I adore that episode about Rosa P–– oh, wait, no, that one was crap and ripped off Blake's 7... Anyway, I love Jodie Whittaker's Doctor, I am a big fan of Graham, I like Ryan just fine, and I can put up with Yaz, even though it's been two seasons and I've still got no idea what's her personality supposed to be, and I absolutely love the new Master (he reminds me of a cute little pug with a big Tommy gun). There is plenty of good stuff in these two seasons, they are lots of fun to watch, but this finale... Oh god, this finale.

Part Three: We Had All of Time and Space at Our Fingertips and We Ended Up with This

We are getting to the point of this whole thing. I would love to begin with the obvious, the twist, but there's so much wrong with this who-cares-how-many-parter than this one big thing.

It is inept. It is impotent. It is incompetent. It is bad at almost everything except its okay camera work, somewhat good (for a British TV show, I mean) effects, and its really solid performances.

Its editing is tone-deaf to the extreme. There is a moment in the final episode where Ko Sharmas asks who will be the first to cross the Boundary and step into the unknown, and immediately it cuts to Yaz walking towards it, all fast and silent. I would love to show you a clip of it, but I don't have one and I can't force myself to download the episode and sit through this shitshow again just to present you with a ten-second clip. Nonetheless, that part is not edited like a dramatic moment. You edit comedies this way. Bad comedies. Bad editors edit bad comedies this way.

Its plot is incoherent. There are several plot threads in this finale, and they're managed in a way that doesn't make the viewer care about all of them at the same time, rather the viewer goes "oh, I've completely forgotten this was happening" and then, before they can even begin to care, the show cuts to something else. It's all over the place and oh so annoying.

The plot armour is painfully obvious despite every attempt to disguise it. There wasn't a single, solitary second when I believed the Doctor was really going to sacrifice herself and, lo and behold, here comes the old guy ex machina to do it for her. The only questions I was asking at that moment were "How are the writers going to prevent the Doctor's death now that they've seemingly created themselves a way to go on forever?" and "How can Whittaker care so much about her performance in this scene she's literally almost crying?". I wholeheartedly related to the Master asking "So why are we still here?" and shout–– hiss–– mumbl–– whatever-ing "Come on, come on, come on!" – at that point I've suffered through at least forty-five minutes of utter nonsense, people going preachy, religious Cybermen with Dalek motivations, that absolutely ludicrous scene in the previous episode when the show was trying its worst to make me perceive autonomous flying Cyber-heads with laser eyes as a serious threat, a shit twist and... Oh.

I've got to finally touch on the shit twist, haven't I?

It doesn't make sense. No, I mean it. I guess it makes sense from the show's writers' standpoint to retcon everything in a way that would allow them to go on forever without having to come up with a way to circumvent limited regenerations, yes. And I won't be touching upon all the lore people say this twist has ruined. No. It doesn't make sense as it is.

The twist is revealed to us by a madman that claims to have hacked into a database, claims to possess control over the Doctor's mind, and gives the Doctor and the audience no actual solid proof that the Timeless Child is, indeed, the Doctor. We have Ruth, sure, and she's nice enough (damn, I want that vest), and she's a Timelord that happens to own a TARDIS that looks like a blue police telephone box, and she calls herself the Doctor. Here's Ruth:

I really like Ruth. She also makes no sense from the show's timeline standpoint, since the Doctor's Type 40 TARDIS only got stuck looking like a police box in 1963, so there's no reason for the Doctor to not remember being her.

We also know that the Judoon have identified Ruth as "the Fugitive"... except in one of their previous appearances in the show they weren't able to identify their targets exactly and thus were seeking out non-humans. There is a possibility that they were only looking for a Time Lord on Earth.

You know what? It's possible that Ruth is actually the Master messing with the Doctor. I have just as much proof of this as I have of the fact that the Doctor is some kind of an endlessly regenerating superbeing.

But this is not the most maddening thing here. I loathe it, but I don't loathe the twist itself: I loathe its lifelessness, I loathe how empty, how unemotional, almost robotic it feels. When somebody'd spoiled the finale for me, I got angry, and I started asking questions, and when later I saw the actual thing...

This gif. I can't even explain how accurate it is. I stood there, in the middle of my kitchen, episode paused, holding a cup of cold tea and desperately looking around as if in my surroundings I could somehow find that emotional reaction that this show failed to evoke. I was ready to burst into tears of how empty it felt, and how empty I felt, and how the same show that has Christopher Eccleston go from literally foaming at the mouth with pure hatred to shocked silence in a matter of second because of one sentence that you, a viewer, can't help but be astonished by failed to make me feel the tiniest speck of literally any emotion. And slowly, I felt that vast void in my chest fill with sheer, pure, flaming hatred for the person who made me feel nothing, for the story that left me not bored – but empty.

And the next moment, in its own unique way of being absolutely tone-deaf, the show introduces the CyberMasters, looking ridiculous, being asinine in concept, making me burst into laughter with their dumb design. Wow.

So.

Chris Chibnall's Doctor Who is no longer a show. Chris Chibnall's Doctor Who isn't even, as somebody on Stardust said, a fan fiction. It's a rollercoaster. A lackluster rollercoaster that lifts you from the vast caverns of frozen hell, devoid of any life whatsoever, soulless and abandoned, to the heavenly torture of being so bad, so utterly awful and ridiculous, that you can't help but laugh as you watch something you used to love be distorted and deformed to the point where you can't recognise it anymore nor really care. This is what Chris Chibnall's Doctor Who has become. And I'm going to continue my ride on that grotesque rollercoaster. I'm going to pirate that ride and get on it again. Because I'm a masochist. Because I want to feel something, even if it's hatred towards those that make me feel nothing.

Because some time ago my fifteen-year-old self watched the first season and learned a lesson that I hold dear after all these years – that I can't abandon hope, and that someday, somehow, things are going to get better. That the future is being written right now. That the future can change.

[sparklessswift]

19 Things I've Learned in 2019

1. “The desire for positive experience is itself a negative experience. And paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.” — Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck)

I always thought that "How To Be Happy" things on the internet are true and those things can really change your life if you will try to do so. But while reading this book, I've realized that it's not. That the irony behind thinking of ways to be happy and positive just reminds us of what we are not and of what things we failed to have that we've always wanted. The more we try searching for ways on how to be happy, the more we can't attain happiness.

2. The quality of your life depends on the quality of your choices and decisions.

I've learned that you are the only one who's accountable for everything that you choose to do, for every thoughts that you entertain and for every decisions that you make. The quality of your life is shaped on whatever you want it to be. Whenever you feel like you're carrying a huge amount of emotional baggage, it's because you chose to carry it anyway. You chose to entertain the melancholia, you chose to let it enter your life. Do not blame your situation or even other people. Change the way you see things, make good decisions and choices and the quality of your life will be better.

3. Music is a form of enlightenment towards our true emotions.

I found out that longing to hear sad songs that we can relate to whenever we are feeling sad isn't a sign of tolerating sadness, it means we are trying to fill the gap between what we know and what we feel. Finding the perfect song that explains exactly the way we feel helps us figure out the right words to describe our current emotion. It makes us feel that we are not the only one in the world who's suffering. It's relieving to be so connected to a song that you feel as though, it was written for you.

4. Forgiveness is a nice thing to do.

There are times when we feel as though, people and even ourselves are not worthy to be forgiven and that no amount of apology will cease the burning fire. But one thing I do learned this year is that, forgiveness means letting go. Do yourself a favor and let go of the bad memories, what's important is that you took it as a learned lesson. Let go of the grudges that you kept for so long, it will give you a peace of mind. Let go of the idea that forgiving without hearing an apology is not necessary in life, it is. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you've done in life and forgive those people who have hurt you as well. Release the pain by forgiving so you can finally move on.

5. Self loathe is the most toxic form of hate.

I've learned that there is nothing more toxicating in life than hating your own existence and body. It's like badly wanting a poisonous thing even when you know it is bad for you. It's like loving the lyrics to Taylor Swift's song "ME!" because it radiates self-love but there's always a cringeworthy feeling whenever you sing the words "I'm the only one of me, baby that's the fun of me" because you can't feel the message it conveys. And it feels like, no amount of motivation from other people can cure the poison in you. I know it's easier said than done but remember that only you can free yourself from self loathing so might as well start appreciating small things about yourself and sooner or later you will realize that it's fun to be the only one of you.

6. Being 18 is challenging. While it may be true that each year has its own challenge, being 18 is quite different. It's the time when your mind starts forming questions about life, existence, and future. It's like a climax to your own story, exciting as it may seem but it contains setbacks, challenges and a hundred thousand pieces of inspirations needed in order to thrive harder. In order to believe that you can pursue your dream of reaching the happily ever after.

7. Appreciate high school moments while they last. Realizing how fast the time has flown after my journey in high school is something I wish I was ready for. Funny how we're so attached to a moment from the past (e.g. graduation) that everytime we remember it, there's this bubble of thoughts appearing in our heads with the line “it felt like yesterday” and it feels so bittersweet. If there's one thing I can teach the other generations, it is to always appreciate each moment while it lasts. After all, moments will become memories that will forever be stuck in our head so might as well enjoy your high school life and make good memories out of it.

8. We are all temporary in everyone else's lives and that's normal. It feels relieving when you realize that each person that we meet has a temporary role in our lives. We are bound to lose connection with someone whom we thought will never leave us, we're bound to cut ties with people who are not good for us, and we're bound to be left behind or leave not because we want to but because we just crossed paths with each other, we aren't really travelling the same path not as what we thought we are. Learn how to appreciate someone's presence and learn how to accept someone's absence.

9. Do not drown yourself in the thought that internet validation is important. It is definitely okay to dump the idea that you're living in the wrong generation if you think likes/reactions, comments and shares are not important. Most people today still haven't come to realize that the internet has not just open-sourced information, it has also open-sourced insecurity, self-doubt, and shame. And we have to open our minds about it. Life is happier the moment you realize that you should not give a damn about what other people think of your posts.

10. Do not jump on hate trends in social media just because it's in. Cancel culture has made a noise in the internet this year and suddenly everyone are bragging their freedom of speech because they are jumping on the bandwagon (or should I say, we're? 😂) But one thing I do learned from all the hate trends is to be discerning. This is the best time you can practice cherry-picking and only utter a word when you think you really need to or when you think it is appropriate to do so. Just as Taylor Swift said, “You just need to take several seats and then try to restore the peace and control your urges to scream about all the people you hate”.

11. Being attached to someone does not mean you're into that person. Attachment is way too different than love and even infatuation. It needs not to be stereotyped. Sometimes all you have to do is to give yourself the benefit of the doubt about how you feel and you will realize the true value of a person to you.

12. The hardest struggle in life that we can ever experience is something that is related with our family. Indeed home is where the heart is. Family is our major source of inspiration and it can also be our major source of distraction whenever there are unforeseen circumstances going on. And I think dealing with those circumstances is the hardest struggle to face because there will always be a pain in your chest wherever you go that is inevitable. The pain that lies deep within you but bleeds through the surface of your body that you can't hide.

13. College is way too different than high school and you should be ready for it. Of course, culture shock will always be there the moment you enter college. You will start comparing high school and college in every single details, you will randomly reminisce high school memories while walking in the hallway and you will remember how easy passing the exams and getting high grades back then. In my first semester in college, I've learned that you will never survive if you are ill-spirited, proscrastinator, lazy and weak student. I've learned that college is survival and in survival, you should not come with unnecessary gears. I'm sorry Taylor Swift but in college, you should not bring a knife to a gun fight.😃

14. It's okay to have few friends atleast they are real. Making friends is hard and no one can convince me otherwise. People's intentions to you are confusing nowadays and it's hard to trust another set of new people. I've realized that the amount of friends has nothing to do about how you enjoy your life. What's important is that you have friends who are honest as the day is long.

15. Listen more, say less. This year I've learned the value of lending ears to those who are in need of it and even to situations that require much understanding before saying an opinion to avoid any conflict.  Do not be easily carried away by your emotions to the extent that you're no longer thinking if what you are going to say is appropriate to the situation. On the other hand, there are times that people who are venting out their problems do not need any piece of advice, what they need is someone who is understanding enough to spend time listening to their rants.

16. Things that are gonna make your life more interesting are things that you should say yes to. — Taylor Swift

Progress doesn't come in the blink of an eye. You need to challenge yourself to do new things in order to make a progress. It is even more okay to step out of your comfort zone sometimes in order to grow. Life will be more interesting when you accept challenges with conviction.

17. Follow accounts on social media who are good for your mental health. Do yourself a favor and start unfollowing accounts that triggers your anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt. Your feed should only contain things that motivates you and people that inspires you to be like them. It should not be a place to start who-did-it-better or who's-best-at-life competitions.

18. Acceptance takes time. I have learned that it is okay to still question things that happened to you 6 years ago. It's okay to still cry everytime it pops up in your head, it's okay if you are not a hundred percent healed and it's okay to have a mind with not enough understanding about the situations that you've been to even if it happened a long time ago. God put you there for a reason. You have to keep in mind that acceptance has no definitive time frame. Healing doesn't wait for you to be ready for it. It will just happen.

19. Procrastination can ruin your goals in life.

There will be no further explanation, there will just be procrastination. 😎

[terrablaze514]

Being Black + R. Kelly, Living With Secrets, and Writing Catatonic Fanfics

Hey everyone.

I'm up extra early, because this is bugging my mind and heart right now. The words might leave if I don't voice (write) it.

In a few hours, I'll be going to church again. Christian, yes. Predominantly Black, you've guessed it. Both of these cancel each other out. Why?

Despite my suspicions growing up, the vast majority of Black people I knew (family, friends, acquaintances, etc.) were still jamming to R. Kelly's music. It makes all the more sense why he's known as, "The Pied Piper", and that's scary as buck if you stop to think about it.

I've never understood why he was permitted to keep making music. Why the buck does Wendy Williams still have an audience? Why did 2Pac and Michael Jackson get destroyed by false allegations (until their sunset), while R. Kelly is still a free man in the music industry with proof of sexual deviance in multiple court cases?

I was 7 when I was molested by a grown woman. I couldn't approach my parents about it, because she became a close friend to my mother, got closer to other notable family friends, and I was already misunderstood at school and church (Grade 2 was a horrible year). My parents were also coming to terms with their breakup, so it didn't help (because what if they had another physical altercation?). Top that with the ongoing belief that men were innately predators...

October 2018, I've had a nightmare of her stalking me while visiting my hometown (the 514) - woke up in a sweat, purchased Black Panther on Google Play Movies, and watched the movie until my eyes shut again... Because mentally, I needed to feel safe. I wanted Wakanda's protection. And I ended up getting it in my dreams (occasionally). M'Baku and The Jabari Tribe are the best!

Back on topic... So, while I'm happy that justice is happening, I'm also disappointed. Deeply disappointed in The Black Community for sweeping this issue under the rug.👏🏾Every.👏🏾 Single.👏🏾Time.👏🏾 I understand firsthand why it's hard to come forward. Allow me to explain (and these are some of the reasons why going to church is a farce in my book).

I've shared with a few Gundam Wing fans (via Discord) that I've sung in three choirs (four if school curriculum counts). To this day, I still jam to my favourite songs and sing as a secret means to calm down when times are too stressful (and if I have no access to a pen and notebook). So why bring this up? Simply put, during my tenure in the third choir, I was spanked and grabbed on the buttocks for holding the door open for an elderly man. [This isn't funny, so if you're laughing, check yourself or leave my blog ASAP]. Not only did this trigger my fear and cripple my confidence as a young adult, but I wasn't able to focus. I've felt scared... Moreso when I've relayed the incident to a few choir members. They've laughed it off, because it sounded funny to them.

It didn't help that this also happened a week after one of my closest friends had died from cancer (and I couldn't make it to his funeral). So being forced to laugh it off, take it with a grain of salt, and keeping it moving wasn't easy. Also, being Black means you don't cry. "Stay strong," is all people would ever say.

I've also been approached and stalked by some strange men, around my age (no older than 27). I'd be waiting at the bus stop so I can commute to work. Strange man shows up, and requests (to the point of begging) that I take the taxi with him. One week later, he begs me to skip work and come over to his place. For what, only God knows. I didn't go, but I've sent text messages to friends. The majority of them found it funny - except one, who also called to check up on me. If it were up to him, he'd drive across town and set the stalker straight.

That was then.

There was a fellow co-worker (cisgender woman) who used to touch, or feel up my inner thighs and buttocks without my consent, and in the presence of customers. How many times have I reported her, yet supervisors promoted her, and would say, "That's her way of giving people props."

What the heck?

Then, by the time I was 25, I've reached my breaking point despite graduating from college and acquiring two careers to call my own. My physical appearance (gaining weight), marital status ("let's find a boyfriend for you on WhatsApp Messenger"), and popularity were the only things that mattered. Damn it all to the grave.

Dating prospects were more like, groomers. And they were all Christian Churchians.💯 I've never given up the V-card, but I've tried to fit in to the point of mental starvation and social exhaustion. In the worst case scenario, I've heard adults (including a parent) poke rape jokes. What's so funny about that?

We sure as hell did not deserve Aaliyah, because the ignorance is real.

I've ended up writing a fanfic project that deals with the music industry, and emphasizes deep comparisons between a good rep team versus an evil rep team, by pulling bits and pieces of experiences by real artists, as well as my "inability to be more transparent/speak up/get out of my shell", and conceptions of what could go wrong if there was no access to a healthy outlet... Combined them into the realities of the characters I'm borrowing. It's still in progress; I'm a perfectionist, yet, the story needs to be told.

There's a second project where two cousins grow up together in the kingdom, get separated after the death of a family member, and the elder cousin searches for his bestie in America. Friendships are formed, but there's also a rampant rape culture against girls in the community where his cousin took residence... Pedophiles will get killed after witnessing the dismissal of reports by police. Go figure.

Writing these types of things, is an outlet. I don't condone abuse, murder, things of that dark nature, but honestly. I grew up in a rape culture. I need a healthy way to deal with (process) that.

Talking about it to people is only safe enough in therapy sessions. Outside of that, get laughed at. Mocked. Told that You deserve it (or did something to deserve it).

I've contemplated suicide last month. Resurfaced memories do more harm than good... And even if I followed through on December 29th (I'm glad I didn't), everything in this post, especially the woman predator who was a babysitter, is the secret I would've taken to my grave. Who could I talk to without feeling unsafe or unwelcome? Without laughing it off in a dismissive manner? Without assuming that I've done something to deserve it, like forgetting to pull on my panties first?

No one.

I've been taught that my big butt, juicy thighs, bust... Yet fat belly, rolls on my back, and somewhat bouncy arms, are something to be ashamed of. From 14 to 23, I used to sport Beyoncé's figure (used to be slimmer)... Yet I still had to feel guilty for embracing that, because if I didn't cover up... If I walked out late... If I didn't keep up with trends... if I didn't turn up for what... If I didn't drop it like it's hot, turn around and bump bump bump, my body too bootylicious for 'em, 'cause if it's worth it lemme work it... And whenever I did these things...

I am guilty.

Now that I'm older, and I don't do these things as often...

I am still guilty.

Because I grew up in a community and a society that hates rapists and pedophiles while making excuses for rapists and pedophiles if I spoke up. If other girls and women spoke up. If boys and men came forward with their true accounts without receiving homophobic comments, or the overused, "You became a real man, congratulations!" Canada's Supreme Court will not keep a sex predator behind bars for more than ten years. That's all the additional proof you need.

The hypocrisy was real, and it still is.

There was an incident where a little girl complained about a church elder touching her... No one believed her.

Later on in my teens, a teenage boy was falsely accused of sexual harassment, and everyone believed the lie (except his closest friends, whom told her to stop following them around).

Another church elder (and a Bible thumper), fondled my breasts out of spite - and my mother blamed me! The next time I've seen that elder, I've set her straight, but who the hell am I for talking? She's still the most respected because she knows every scripture passage, from Genesis to Revelation, and also knows every volume, word for word, from The Spirit of Prophecy. So she has no sin...

THE LIES!

I was nervous shaky the entire time.

So growing up Black, in a church community, as a girl (now a woman) had many catastrophes. I'm not crazy for putting this out there, just keeping it real. I'll be in church in approximately less than three hours from now, and if anyone cracks jokes or makes demeaning comments about R. Kelly's current and former victims, talking about how they're fast, and how they should've come forward... Nah, Hollywood gets away with sexual deviance against minors. A large percentage of them have bought R. Kelly's music, at music stores and on iTunes/Google Play Music. No surprise, huh? As much as I love my church family, I cannot accommodate the ignorance that's gone on for my whole life so far. *Sigh* This has blackened my heart, I just... I am at a loss, not only for R. Kelly's victims, but every child and youth who will be targeted by men and women who cannot be trusted.

I will always support Black Empowerment, Black Lives Matter and Black History... But I have zero tolerance for the enabling of pedophiles and rapists. Even the jokes. It's distasteful.

If you are a supporter/apologist of R. Kelly, Sparkle, Marques Houston, and any other person who'd used/subjected minors to assault and/or grooming, get off my page. And stop pretending to be a huge Aaliyah fan... We've lost her because the adults in her life had failed in exchange for her fame. We also owe Michael Jackson's family an apology for destroying his character and career under false allegations, while R. Kelly was still a free man, preying on girls and grooming boys to become like him... And all the evidence of his crimes were readily available on the archives while I was in Junior High. While we're at it, Kitti Jones and Drea Kelly need to take several seats. They've had every opportunity to approach the police. They've known what R. Kelly did to all those girls and how it's destroyed their youth. They are the poorest examples of how to put sex offenders in their place, just so they can get money now that #MeToo (who never gave a damn about half of your experiences, unless you were penetrated by a man)... Nuh-uh! The lives that were destroyed by rape, molestation, grooming and exploitation matter more than the money anyone might make from a case that should've been dealt with decades ago! My heart is very heavy throughout this post. I know it's Sabbath hours, but I'm currently listening to "Don't Stay" by Linkin Park, because it truly reflects my thoughts and memories, in the wake of #SurvivingRKelly.

Everyone (especially Black people) who put on R. Kelly during weddings and birthday celebrations, I've taken notes. You will not be trusted around my future children (if it's meant to be). I've never healed, yet. The community does not offer a safe space to heal from the damage that's been done. So when I hear about Chester Bennington (Linkin Park -I hope I spelled his name right), AJ and Nick (Backstreet Boys - their parents stood up for their sons), B2K (especially Raz-B), IMx, Sammy, O'Ryan, the victim of Brock Turner, a few victims of Bill Cosby and that actor from 7th Heaven, the young girl who was sexually assaulted and exploited by that loser who was granted a chance to finish up his studies at UofC (University of Calgary), Natasha McKenna who was stripped, dehumanized and tasered in her last moments by eight men, the former victims of Eddie Long who were forcibly silenced, the girl who was raped, hospitalized and raped again in the hospital by her father and brother... This is real ish. I have no more words. Leave my page if you support R. Kelly... Special shoutout to John Legend for keeping it real. Another special shoutout to Terry Crews who spoke up. To the victims of Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey, you also need to get your voices heard, because you also matter. To the victims of Ryan Seacrest, the same also applies. May Corey Haim Rest in Power, because Charlie Sheen is getting his just reward for what he did decades ago. Although I'm glad B2K is reuniting for tour, I've been conflicted with how R. Kelly wrote your popular hits. That wasn't your fault, though. Your former manager (Chris Stokes - another pedophile) had that set up for your grooming - good thing y'all left TUG behind when you did. Other artists and notable faces in the entertainment industry - you don't have to comment, but I beseech you to STOP collaborating with R. Kelly. What he did to those girls is beyond me. If you keep enabling him, you're now guilty for proving that rape is okay.

It is not.💯