#and because it's fucking hilarious watching him get so worked up and worried while still denying that he cares

[fluffydice]

Guy with Generalized Anxiety Disorder be like

[talaok]

PostOutbreak!Joel likes reader but he tries to hide it because of the age gap. To try and put us off, he can be a bit standoffish/mean but Ellie can tell it’s a facade and tells him to drop it and the age thing doesn’t matter if you really like each other. Then a fluffy confession omggg

Pairing: PostOutbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader

Warnings: unspecified age gap, joel being a lil insecure and scared, and Ellie being a menace, but its mostly all fluff who am i kidding

a/n: this was the cutest fucking request ever, thank you anon

You know those books or movies where it's painfully clear to everyone but the two main characters that they love each other, and you keep reading or watching thinking "How could anyone not see that he likes her?" as you increasingly get more frustrated and annoyed?

Well, this is a bit like that,

not a bit actually, completely so.

And in this metaphor, you and Joel were the two oblivious main characters, while Ellie, poor Ellie, was the unfortunate witness of your blindness.

It was so incredibly clear to her that she sometimes struggled not to laugh at your interactions.

I mean the first time Joel saw you was the very first time she'd seen him blush and forget how to speak in the span of a second- it was hilarious.

And then when he'd catch him staring at you or pretend not to purposely take the longer route home just to catch a glimpse of you outside the bakery... it was hard to only chuckle underneath her breath, but she managed... 

until today

Joel slammed the door as he got it, like really loud, not like his usual slam.

"what's wrong?" Ellie asked, her brows frowning in suspicion as he kicked his boots off his feet before halfheartedly dragging them to the kitchen where she was sitting.

"nothin'" he grumbled, 

Now that made Ellie sigh with annoyance,

he was always the one to blab about how she could always confide in him, and if that was the truth, then that meant it went both ways.

"Y'know a grumpy old man once told me that it's good to share how you're feeling" She tilted her head to the side, raising her brow as Joel rolled his eyes, filling a glass with water "Would be real hypocritical of him to not take his own advice..."

Said old man, was now rolling his eyes even harder, drowning the full glass in a second

"'s nothing, don't worry 'bout it"

"Joel" Ellie only glared at him,

and as always when it was her,

he was convinced faster than he liked to admit

He sighed, before speaking "It's stupid" he said

"I don't care" Ellie shrugged, placing her elbows on the kitchen counter where she sat and using her hands to support her head, her whole focus on Joel,

who sighed, again.

"I just-" he placed the glass in the sink before turning back to her "I just saw y/n talking to I guy I-"

"Oh my god you're jealous!" she said it with such enthusiasm and with such a smile pulling at her lips that you would have guessed she'd just won the lottery

"no" Joel frowned, shaking his head "What are you on about? I'm not jealous, I just don't like the guy"

"yeah" Ellie snorted "I'm sure you just "don't like the guy"" she air quoted as she laughed 

"Why would I be jealous?" Joel went on pretending,

perhaps lying to himself together with her, the jury was still out.

"I'm just worried for her-" he argued "she's too kind and too fucking nice and Jake's an asshole"

again, Ellie only smiled as she watched him lie so blatantly

"why would you be jealous?" she pondered his question with amusement "well I don't know... maybe 'cause you have the biggest fucking crush on her"

"What!?" he spat "I don't know what's going on with you today, where did you get all these ideas? I-"

"Oh my god please shut up Joel" she groaned, rolling her eyes "That rude asshole act you do around y/n may work with her, but you don't fool me, Miller"

Ellie could swear she saw a hint of panic in his eyes

"I know you like her, just like I know she likes you" She finally said, done with this little act "I honestly don't get why you two don't just declare your love to one another and live happily ever after or some shit"

It was like he froze,

and while Ellie thought it was because he'd just been busted by a 14-year-old, it was for a wholly different reason

"she doesn't like me" he stated

And at that, at that Ellie could just groan as her palm descended dramatically down the length of her face

God, she'd always known he wasn't the brightest, but this? This is a little too much even for him

"Are you blind or something?" she threw her hands out for emphasis "She's definitely better at hiding it than you, I'll give you that, but I mean, still... it's fucking obvious dude!"

"Ellie" Joel only shook his head "you 'don't know whatcha talkin' 'bout"

Ellie was now very close to yelling at him.

"Joel I'm serious, she likes likes you!" she argued, "why do you find that so hard to believe?"

But of course, Ellie couldn't have known what was going on in Joel's mind, how certain he was that it wasn't true,

about how he knew he didn't deserve someone like you, someone so kind and beautiful and smart,

how he had spent months trying to get the thought of you to leave his tainted mind,

how he'd decided to be mean, rough, rude to you in the hopes that you would stop being so nice to him, in the hopes that you would start to avoid him, to hate him, and he'd never have to see you or that gorgeous smile again.

And finally, Ellie didn't know about how he was too incredibly, terribly old for you, for such a pretty young woman.

Half his hair was gray for god's sake, he never had a chance

"I could be her father Ellie" he finally confessed what had been eating up at him for so long "I'm too fuckin' old"

Ellie didn't even need a moment to take that it, she listened, thought about it, and immediately rolled her eyes

"SO WHAT?" 

You don't understand how long she had to pretend not to want to give the both of you a good shake, 

it was only right for her to finally shout it out

"First of all, you're not that old" she started listing, "second of all, she obviously doesn't care" she continued "and finally Joel, if you really like her, and if she really likes you, then it doesn't matter!"

But Joel was not convinced, he'd spent too long telling himself the opposite, and he couldn't even fathom the possibility of what Ellie was saying

"you just have to tell her"

she said it like it was easy, like the mere thought of it didn't give Joel a minor heart attack, like he hadn't woken up from multiple dreams where he would confess his love and you would laugh at his face, or worse, tell him you felt the same, something Joel knew not to be the truth.

Also, Joel had no idea when exactly throughout this conversation he'd admitted to liking you, but I guess it didn't matter now, it made no sense to keep the farse on.

"I can't Ellie, I-"

"oh my god you're such a chicken" she moaned "You're the one that always tells me to be brave!"

"that's different"

"how!?" she bugged her eyes, holding her palms up in show of her frustration "I get that it's scary, but what's the worst thing that could happen?"

And that, for some reason, stuck with him,

He really had nothing to lose,

It's not like you were friends or you would talk often, it's not like he would be ruining a relationship, there wasn't one,

And yet... yet it still terrified him,

"Ellie... I don't know"

"c'mon man, but your big boy pants on" she groaned "I'm telling you, she fucking likes you"

__ __ __

Joel didn't do it.

He couldn't. He just-

You were perfect, you were perfect in a way that made him feel all the more dirty,

like being close to you, talking to you, touching you... would be like plucking a flower with torn-up hands, 

And fuck him, but Joel was scared, like he'd gone back 40 years and become 16 all over again.

He couldn't do it, he couldn't, wouldn't do it, and he'd set his mind to that, made peace with his cowardness and dread.

Until of course, Ellie's twisted mind came up with a way to force his fears to life.

"Howdy"

The kid was smiling so broadly that she looked like a child with a brand-new toy,

but Joel's eyes were somewhere else,

he was looking at you

"Hi Joel" you smiled, punching a knife into his gut

You were at his front door with his kid, who was very clearly plotting something, and Joel wondered for a moment if this was what would finally make his heart give out.

"Hi," he said, his voice sounding distant

Why is she here?

"Aren't you gonna let us in?" Ellie urged, 

Us?

"Uhm, I-"

but Ellie had already sneaked inside, dragging you behind

And now the awkward scene was even more awkward, just at the entrance of his home.

"All alright" Ellie clapped her hands, watching Joel stare at you as you tried to avoid his gaze "I'm gonna go to my room," she said, shouldering him not so subtly

"Cool down dude" she mumbled, before disappearing upstairs.

What the fuc-

"I'm sorry to barge in like this" you finally spoke, a gentle smile on your lips "Ellie said you needed to tell me something, so I just... came here I guess" you finished with an awkward laugh

Fuck-fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck-

"If it's too much trouble I'll just go-"

"no," Joel said, before he could stop himself, finally realizing he was still holding the door's knob, and in a spur of bravery, deciding to use it to close the door.

"Oh, ok" you mumbled, puzzled by his demeanor "so uhm, what is it you needed to tell me?"

God damn that fucking trick-playing kid of his

"do you- do you want something to drink?"

the question took you aback, but then you did something that stunned Joel even more, you laughed,

you laughed softly, quickly, like you were letting out all this stupid awkwardness in a simple gesture

because that's how you were: Magical

"Sure" you shrugged, grinning "some water would be nice"

If Joel had to watch your face for an instant more he feared he was gonna explode, so he did all he could think of, he walked to the kitchen, only glancing at you again when he handed you your drink,

to his dismay, finding a smile still drawn on your lips.

"thank you" you said, taking a sip

god, even the way your lips wrapped around the rim made him want to drop to his knees.

He needed to get a grip.

"so... are you gonna tell me or do I have to guess?" you joked, your fingers drawing patterns on the glass

Was this really happening?

Was this hell?

"I..." he trailed off, running a hand through his hair as he glanced from the counter to you on repeat "I wanted to tell you that..."

"that?"

"that- the uhm-" he shut his eyes for a second, searching for words "the...bread you gave us this week was real good"

Goddamnit

"oh"

Even you couldn't hide your disappointment

I mean, you certainly didn't expect it. A compliment from Joel Miller? What universe were you in? 

Just like you didn't expect any of this... him actually letting you in his house or offering you water...

You had half expected him to shut the door in your face,

The most he had ever given you was a half smile at a joke you told him while he was picking up bread, the rest were all rude grumbles or just a bunch of stoic looks... 

and yet... yet a part of you couldn't help but have set expectations a little higher.

What a silly fool you'd been, 

hoping for a love confession from a man who has made it very clear he despises you,

but still- a girl can dream, right?

"thank you" you mumbled, as Joel cursed himself over and over in his head "that's very nice of you," you smiled, stalling a second to see if he was gonna say something else, interrupt you at some point,

but he remained silent

"well if that's all, I'm gonna go then, thank you for the water I-"

Until he wasn't

"no-stop- I-"

Ellie was right. 

He had to do this, he had to win his fear and try at least, or he was gonna regret it for the rest of his life, and he already had too many of those.

The problem was that you looked really beautiful today, and he'd never been good with words

Fuck it- if he was gonna make a fool of himself so be it,

He had nothing to lose and everything to win,

he had you to win.

"Yes?" you asked, trying to tame your hopes down

Think Joel, think

how the fuck do you tell a woman you like her?

"There's one other thing I've been meaning to tell ya" he cleared his throat, standing up straighter as he took a step closer to you.

"'m not great at doing this type of thing" he admitted, shaking his head slightly "but Ellie... she's right, I'm always tellin' her to be brave and everythin', so... I guess it's my turn now," he said, letting out a short, anxious laugh "I don't even know- I guess what I'm tryna say is that I'm gonna be honest now, but I want you to know that- that I know what you're gonna say and it's ok" he swallowed thickly, preparing himself from your inevitable rejection "I understand, really, I just- I thought I should try at least" 

What was going on?

What the fuck was he saying?

"Joel, what are you talking about?"

This was it.

It was now or never.

"Y/n I-"

his heart was beating out of his chest, and his legs felt like jelly, but he had to do it, he had to take a leap of faith-

"Y/n I like you" he breathed like the words longed to be out of his mouth "I like you a lot, I have for a while now"

he watched your mouth part, your whole face filling with shock as you blinked over and over, trying to make sure this was really happening.

"Y-you like me?"

"yes" he nodded "And as I said, I know you don't feel the same, I know I'm old, and I've been an asshole to you all this time, so it's ok, really I-"

"stop talking Joel" you huffed a laugh, stepping closer, and then closer again, until your hand was on his arm "please just-" you bit down a smile, and he was so confused, so fucking confused, "say it again," you asked

"I like you y/n" he murmured, trying to get his mind to start working again,

but you were leaning closer,

and who cared what his name was anyway

"you were rude to me"

"I was, I'm sorry I-"

You pretended to be thinking about it, glancing upwards as you pursed your lips together

But who were you kidding?

"you're forgiven" you smiled, looking up at him as you slowly raised yourself on your tiptoes to gently, oh so gently, press your lips to his.

Joel was certain he had just died.

But then he opened his eyes again, and you were still there, beaming up at him, and he felt such a wave of happiness that he could have started crying right there,

only he took on a different route and grabbed each side of your face with his hands, crashing his lips with yours and kissing you, kissing you like he'd been dreaming of for months

exactly how you imagined he would,

better than you imagined, actually

so much better.

"Ha! I told you, Joel!"

He groaned as he leaned away, shooting Ellie an annoyed glance

"What are you doin' here?"

"just came here to gloat" she shrugged, watching you two with a grin plastered on her face

"I think you've done enough of that" he muttered, but you could only smile

"thank you, Ellie," you grinned "Thank you for doing this"

She raised her brows, looking at Joel as if saying "See, she's thanking me, why aren't you?", but then her expression got more genuine as she shot you a smile

"you're welcome" she smiled "Better having to see you kiss than having to put up with Joel being all sad 'cause you're talking to Jack or any other guy"

You gasped with amusement as Joel shut his eyes in embarrassment, his cheeks tainting with red

"Ellie-" Joel grumbled, 

A soft giggle flowed through the room as Ellie turned away and went back up to her room, seemingly satisfied with her work

"You were jealous?" you teased him, your hands on his chest, while he'd moved one of his from your face to your waist.

"maybe I was" he fessed up

You smiled even brighter 

"And you like me?" you asked for the thousandth time

"yes, sweetheart, I really fuckin' like you" he smiled too now, his lips finding yours again in a kiss that made time stand still and the world spin around

"I like you too Joel" you finally said, giving the man an actual mini-stroke.

"say it again"

[opennwindows]

If you can, could I request BEN Drowned fluff / smut headcanons like about himself, with his headcanon age, hobbies, facts, what he is into or would like & want in a relationship, and what he would be like with a gamer girlfriend/ s/o?

If ya taking requests rn still?✨😇😊💖

Ben Drowned general + NSFW hcs

A/N: yes!! absolutely. i love getting to talk about how the pastas do their pastaing in my mind. i have so many headcanons for everyone that im excited to share!! also sorry i forgot to include the gamer gf part but i don't think it would change a lot of what i wrote!!

btw sorry for fucking dying i have been busy 😭😭 but no one worry i will still continue to work on requests!! if anyone has any marble hornets stuff they wanna request i will zoom you to the front of the queue so fucking quick. anyways enough of me yapping.

cw: 18+ nsfw, toxic relationships, crying kink,

GENERAL

ben is mentally and physically 22, but he can be quite emotionally immature at times. when he died he never stopped growing and maturing, his soul was just stuck in limbo. think like the worst waiting room ever.

he's surprisingly tall, standing at about 5'9. he's lanky but not bone thin. could easily get pretty far in a fight without his ghost powers.

the link costume only appears when he’s in his ghost form. so for example, when he’s messing with someone on their computer he’ll appear as the canon BEN we’re most familiar with. when he’s just chilling in his physical body, he mostly wears beat up hoodies and sweatpants.

contrary to popular belief, ben's not the hardcore gamer everyone thinks he is. sure, he'll play some overwatch or whatever when he's bored but he honestly just prefers to watch tv and browse the internet. understandably REFUSES to play any zelda games. if you were trapped in a video game for decades would you ever wanna touch it again? exactly.

ben loves to draw little comics and troll (see: horrifically traumatize) people online. god forbid you get into twitter beef with this man because he will crawl through your monitor at 3am and leave you with a crippling fear of technology. dude thinks it's absolutely hilarious. a true knee slapper.

lowkey has a sugar addiction. will slam down 4 cans of pepsi in one sitting. he's very lucky that he's basically a ghost because the kidney stones would be plentiful.

ROMANTIC

you know that guy with the blown out speakers in his car, lives off of energy drinks and burnt blue razz ice elfbars, swears aphex twin is the modern mozart and works on the grill at your local wendy’s? yeah thats ben. or at least would be him if he was still human.

“why would you need a chair, my lap is literally right here babe.”

would absolutely wear your skin if given the opportunity. not in a weird way. he’s just EXTREMELY touchy.

he needs someone who is significantly more organized and motivated than him. he can go almost a week without showering and it should honestly be considered biological warfare when he tries to smother you with affection during these episodes.

after awhile of you guys dating he LOVES the idea of y’all showering together. he has a fear of water and while showers aren’t too much of a trigger, your presence helps ease his anxiety.

favorite pet names: bro, dude, dawg, babe, bitch (non derogatory)

not really a romantic but he tries his best. a perfect date for him is just getting some takeout, watching youtube, talking about stupid shit and play fighting. if you want something more traditional or extravagant then he’ll oblige to make you happy but those types of dates make him feel quite suffocated and nervous. try to save those for special occasions.

now let’s talk about his problems because just like the other creeps he is ANGSTY.

he’s probably the most emotionally stable and healthiest of the group but he definitely still has his toxic traits, after all this man is a ghost that mentally tortures and kills his victims through manipulation.

ben would never ever get physical with his partner no matter how enraged he is but he absolutely is the type to do some mental damage when he gets carried away. ben drowned? more like ben gaslighted.

the type to say some shit that would keep you up for years and then kiss you the next morning like the argument never happened. he finds it easier to ignore problems than to actively talk and fix them. you’re gonna have to teach him some important communication skills or else you’ll grow to resent him after all the bottled up rage.

a bit too brutally honest and blunt for his own good so if you have thin skin the relationship would fall apart pretty quickly. he wants someone who can drag him twice as hard as he dragged you. bonus points if your insults are consistently funny as hell.

please watch anime with him and discuss it. he would propose on the spot, especially if you play with his hair.

pro player tip: if you want him to clean his disgusting room, help him and make it fun! he just needs a little push and motivation at times. and being around you makes him want to get his shit together.

big fan of late night make-out sessions. i’m talking like 45 minutes straight of just slobbering on each other’s faces with tongues down throats. if you don’t want his hands running over every inch of your body then you’ll probably have to chain him to the wall.

NSFW

okay. so he’s a little inexperienced with his hands. he’s just a slow learner. be vocal with him about what you like!!

ben's about 7inches and slightly skinnier than average but he will have you seeing stars in record time. the dick game is no joke. he tends to go fast and deep most times.

i can see him being a switch in the idgaf-as-long-as-i’m-fucking way. dude will go with the flow and will try mostly anything.

definitely one of the least aggressive pastas during sex. he has sadistic tendencies but he’s more of a edge/overstimulate you until you cry versus a beat the shit out of you and rip hair out of your scalp type. he’s pretty vanilla given his occupation.

despite his love of roasting the fuck out of you on a daily basis, the only words that come out of this man’s mouth is heavenly praise. he looks at you like you’re the most gorgeous being on the planet and he’ll let you know it.

he loves to whisper praises into your ear while you ride him.

he's more of a receiver than a giver when it comes to oral. he'll absolutely spend hours between your legs if given the chance but nothing beats the sight of you on your knees and teary eyed with his length in your mouth.

he can be a bit of a head pusher but just let him face-fuck you every now and then, hearing his loud moans will be worth it.

did i mention how much of a crying kink this man has? you guys could be on round three and if he stares at your teary eyed fucked-out face for longer than 10 seconds he'll immediately get hard again. you'll have to beg him to give your poor body a break.

he's also into choking but only if he's the one doing it. if you try to restrict his breathing he'll panic and the mood would get ruined.

[auspicioustidings]

Dessert

Summary: You're a bit unsure about sex with Johnny as you've not slept with someone since you started transitioning, but it turns out you don't need to worry about it.

Words: 5k

CWs: heavy smut with a sprinkle of breeding kink, reader if mtf trans (no-op, on hormones), terminology used in the start for anatomy is masculine and moves to feminine throughout

If you do not like cis people writing about trans bodies, then skip this one.

You just couldn’t get comfortable with it, couldn’t reconcile your body with the expectations other people put on it. It’s not that your sex drive wasn’t there. Well for a while when you started hormones it died a death, but there was still a desire there now along with the small feminine slope of breasts. Honestly you had sort of thought you’d never get hard again, but after your second or third date with Johnny you went home and masturbated for the first time in what might have been a year or more when he had kissed you and his hand had brushed your nipple as it moved from your cheek to your waist.

--

There were a lot of things you would do before you would have sex. Skydiving without a parachute for instance.

There was a flood of shame after the fact. You and your cock had a contentious relationship. You wouldn’t mind her being there if it hadn’t been decided by the world around you that she made you distinctly unfeminine. But it was a part of your body and the thought of surgery made you feel a little sick. You had been considering it the more you saw Johnny. You just wanted him to like you so badly.

You had it right there in your bio on tinder that you were trans, so it wasn’t like he didn’t know. But then you’d been seeing him for months and you had never talked about it at all. He was the first man you had spoken to on the app who hadn’t immediately wanted to know all the intimate details of your body or made it clear you were a novelty fuck (you had went on a few disaster dates that only made your appetite for sex worse with how they spoke to you before you made excuses and fled early).

The bar was in hell, you knew that, but it didn’t stop you from falling for the gentle Scot with kind eyes. Maybe he was asexual and that’s why he had never really moved beyond chaste kisses. You were too scared to ask, too scared that it would be because he liked you as a person well enough but the idea of a trans body repulsed him. He said he was a straight man on the app after all, he’d probably not want to touch you pre-op (pre-maybe unwanted you were sort of confused on the issue-op).

You were going to his place tonight for dinner. Maybe you’d finally work up the courage to ask him about it.

—

Gaz watched Soap thunk his head against the table again and glanced around to see Price and Ghost found this just as amusing as he did. Watching him go from enthusiastic barracks bunny to repressed simp over the past months had been equal parts sad and hilarious to watch. He was arse over teakettle for some broad he had met on a dating app. His MO was to take a girl on a few dates and develop a FWB situation that suited them both until she wanted to have a full romantic relationship and so parted with him on good terms (usually). This one though he had seemed stunned when he showed up at the pub after their first lunch date. It had been months of him in a daze talking about how much he liked her, how she was funny and smart and beautiful and just got him.

Of course then the fact that he hadn’t yet gotten in her pants had come to light and they watched as Soap got more and more distressed and wound up about it. Soap as a rule was a thirsty little slut at the best of times, for him to have been getting off with only his own hand and a no doubt thoroughly abused fleshlight was unheard of and really convinced Gaz that this might actually be it, he may actually have found the girl who was going to make him want to settle down. They all knew the one time he had tried to transition into something a little hot and heavy she had flinched away, he hadn’t stopped beating himself up about it.

To that end he sighed and supposed he’d better actually give the idiot some advice to make sure he didn’t fuck this up. All he had seen were some photos of the girl and she looked pretty enough, nice little dresses but nothing that screamed religious conservative who wouldn’t be having any sex before marriage (although in honesty he was pretty sure if she said that was the case Soap may get down on one knee there and then).

“Right mate, actually give us some intel to work on here so we can provide some tactical support.”

Soap groaned, head still on the table but now flopped to the side so he could look at Gaz like the most pathetic puppy in the pound.

“Already told ye, she’s bonnie, got her head screwed on and has excellent patter but she disnae seem interested in anything physical. Fuck what if I need tae be with this lassie without pumping her? Like what if she’s just naw intae sex? Ye need tae put my wage up Captain so I can afford the metric fuckton of equipment I’m going tae need tae take care of myself for the rest of my life” he whined, really not doing much to seem less like a kicked mutt.

Gaz saw Price just roll his eyes affectionately before taking a drink of his pint while Ghost simply took about a thousand photos of pathetic puppy Soap. Big fucking help those two were.

“Seems like something she’d have put on her profile, you got it saved still?”

Soap returned his forehead to the table and blindly groped at his jeans to get his phone out, unlock it and hand it over.

“Got a folder for her, screenshot is in there” he mumbled into the table.

Gaz took the offered phone and found the folder. He winced a little because it was almost gross how obviously enamored he was based on the number of photos. Cute, but gross. He blinked a few times at the screenshot of the profile. Oh. Oh yeah ok. John MacTavish was an idiot and Gaz was not quite sure how to break this one to him gently. He didn’t have to because Ghost looked over his shoulder before smacking Soap hard on the head.

“What the fuck wis that for?!”

“Being a daft cunt. You said she flinched because you tried to feel up her tit and because of that you think she’s not into sex?”

“Well aye, what else dae I take away from that?”

“That she’s growing a set of tits and they’re tender as fuck Sergeant. Your girl wasn’t flinching because she didn’t like it, she was flinching because it probably gave her an ache that if you’re lucky shot straight between her thighs.”

“I… you’re messing wi’ me.”

Ghost just looked at him with some disgust while Gaz looked on in pity. Poor idiot Soap. Ghost and Price has shared a trans woman for a while he knew, so they would both be well aware of the basics. He hadn’t actually fallen into bed with a trans woman himself, but he had certainly had some good times with Farah and Alex. He never wanted to repeat the experience of not knowing what the fuck he was doing and accidentally hurting Alex by saying the wrong thing again, so he had made sure to learn the basics of not only trans men but really anyone that didn’t identify with their assigned gender. Soap had obviously just never even thought about it, hadn’t even considered that maybe he had to do some prep here.

“He’s not messing with you. It’s different for everyone but generally if you’re growing out some tits then there is going to be tenderness” he said gently.

“They can get real puffy too. You give them a good sucking and she’ll mew real nice for you. Got to take advantage of when they’re at their most tender, ” Price added, clearly reminiscing.

Soap perked up then, sitting up properly in his seat and looking at his team to make sure they were serious. He clearly found in their expressions that they were.

“Right, what dae I need tae ken so I can give this lassie enough orgasms tae fall in love with me?”

—

The atmosphere at dinner felt a little off. You put it down to your own nervousness, but Johnny seemed out of sorts as well. He was over-attentive and couldn’t seem to sit still, knee bouncing and hitting against the kitchen island you were sat at.

“Dinner was really nice” you said carefully, trying to get things back on track.

“Can I eat you for dessert?” he blurted.

Speech was not coming to you easily through the surprise. Nearly a year of very little happening between your thighs and now something was certainly happening. You were mortified, not willing to look down to see what was probably visibly poking against your little cotton dress. Johnny misinterpreted your reaction.

“Wait, naw in a cannibal way! I’m naw intae that. It’d be too much a pain in the arse tae cut ye up anyway and human isnae supposed tae taste that nice. Not that you widnae taste nice! I think ye’d taste lovely. But I’d never eat ye. Well naw, I want tae eat ye, but like out. I want tae eat ye out. Fuck I’m making a pure arse of this” he rambled, getting louder and louder as he started to pace the kitchen.

If there was anything to get you out of your own head, it was watching Johnny have an absolute meltdown in front of you. You bit back a laugh and stood, putting a hand on his shoulder to stop his pacing and then quickly turning into a blushing mess when his full attention turned to you. You chewed on your lip as you thought of what to say.

“If ye need your lip bit, let me dae it” he said, looking almost dazed as he stared at where your teeth sunk into plump flesh.

You blushed harder and squirmed under his attention, letting your eyes drop away from his and instantly making a choking noise when you caught sight of his incredibly prominent and impossibly large cock trying to punch a hole through his jeans. Your own throbbed in response, excitedly bouncing up against your stomach. You tried to shift your hands, give yourself some coverage.

“Tell me what words tae use” Johnny groaned, his nose nuzzling into your hair. “We dinnae need… if ye dinnae want tae do anything then we can just cuddle and watch a film, but fuck darlin’ I’ve been fucking my fist to the thought of you since I first laid eyes on ye. Want to ruin you bonnie girl.”

Your heart nearly exploded out of your chest. He wanted you. He wanted your body. He hadn’t seen it yet, but there was no way he could have missed what was going on downstairs with how close and eager he was. His hips had shifted forward and you could feel the tip of his hard cock brush against the arousal sitting hard at your stomach. You let out a tiny whine at that.

“Please” he groaned, strained.

You had never had a man beg for you before and it made delight spark through you.

“I.. um… well I’ve not, uh, had any work done” you said, mouth dry as you tried to work through the words and reel in the shame trying to drown out your arousal.

His hands settled on your waist and flexed a few times like he was trying to hold himself back.

“I’m naw going tae be able tae keep my mouth shut if I get tae have ye, so I just need tae know what words ye want me tae use. I’m naw much for the clinical kink but I can try using biological terms if ye want” he offered, although you could hear the distaste in his voice.

You didn’t think you would find Johnny spouting the words penis, testicles or anus very hot either, but you had thought… well you had thought you were sort of limited to using masculine terms for male biology. Only wasn’t the whole point that biological sex and gender were different things? If he was willing to try it out, you wondered how it would feel to use different terms.

“Fuck baby, where did your mind just wander off tae?”

When he whined at you, you only then noticed you had started rutting your hips against him at the thought of him eating you out. The thought of him getting his tongue on your clit and sucking.

“Would it be ok to use uh… for words I mean. You could, if you wanted, um…” you stuttered, too embarrassed to actually say the words out loud.

One of his hands moved from your waist to creep up underneath your dress and you nearly saw stars at the first touch of another person against you in a long time.

“Let’s start here, nice puffy pussy lips for me tae bury my face in?” he asked, fingers brushing across what you had always thought of as balls but now with a revelation were lips.

He was watching you carefully now, looking to see your reaction to his words and waiting for a nod before moving his hand up to where you were throbbing for him.

“I’ve been cruel, getting your pretty wee clit all swollen and throbbing this whole time and naw giving ye any relief haven’t I?”

“I- fuck, Johnny please” you moaned, sure he would undo you embarrassingly quickly.

“Aye? Ye like me playing with her?” he said, running his fingers over the very top. “Fuuuckk” he groaned, “fucking soaked for me, good girl, perfect fucking lassie.”

You wanted to scold him about his bad knee when he thumped down to the floor, but his head was beneath your dress and he was mouthing desperately at your panties before you could articulate the thought. He latched onto your clit through the wet cotton and sucked messily while one hand sunk into the meat of your ass and the other played with the sensitive lips of your pussy that were now spilling out around your panties. You could do nothing but grip his hair like a lifeline.

He slurped and sucked and drooled loudly, and the idea that he was doing this because it gave him a heady rush rather than purely for your benefit made you weak at the knees. He loved this. He was turning into a fucking dog at your feet for a taste of you. His fangs latched onto the cotton of your underwear and tugged until they were pulled down to your knees and gravity did the rest to pool them at your ankles before he left bites all over the inside of your thighs.

“Taste so good, fucking perfect, going tae make me cum in my jeans” he rambled, his words spoken into wet skin as his tongue just couldn’t stop long enough to properly speak.

He couldn’t stay in one place. He was at your lips, your clit, he was licking the seam of where your legs met your groin to drink the sweat that had gathered there as if he was dying of thirst and you were an oasis. His nails were clawing into you, fingers sinking into the soft pillow of your stomach only to leave their marks before moving to your ass and then your thighs and then back between your legs. It was like he didn’t know where to start, couldn’t focus on just one thing because he wanted it all at once.

“Let me eat you out, I’ve got tae eat you out bonnie, I’ll fucking die if I cannae get my tongue up your arse” he begged as his mouth started to make it’s way past your lips and to your tight hole.

Your fingers tightened in his hair just a little and almost instantly his head popped out from under your dress. Fuck. He was an absolute mess, your slick all over his face. It wasn’t limited to just his lips because he had been eager, he had pushed your fluids into his skin at every angle he could get. His big liquid eyes were glazed as he stared up at you from on his knees.

“What’s wrong?” you rasped, surprised that you could even speak right now.

“I didnae ask” he said, frowning and looking at you like the Goddess that could forgive his sins. “Need tae know where my tongue is going, if ye still want it. Where my fingers can sink intae ye. Please, need it, fucking need it.”

Jesus fuck. He was rutting against your foot, humping it with a whine in the back of his throat. You had never felt so powerful as you stared at him and ran a hand through his hair only to have him nuzzle his cheek into that hand.

“I want to see your cock Johnny” you said, no, ordered.

He fumbled to get his jeans off and there was a dull thud as his cock finally sprang free and smacked against his stomach. It was the fattest cock you had ever seen and you could already feel yourself go cross eyed at just the thought of the stretch. The thought of taking it in your cunt.

“Use your tongue and fingers to stretch out my pussy Johnny, stretch it out for your cock.”

There was something transcendent about being able to say it, being able to ask for your pussy to be fucked and for him to light up like you had just handed him the stars and the moon. He all but tackled you, another one for the bad knee you’d scold him for later, and threw you over his shoulder.

He didn’t really pause to get properly out of his jeans, just kicked them off on the way which nearly caused you both to tumble to the ground more than once. You couldn’t help the burst of laughter at his antics. You had been so scared of this for so long, but this was your Johnny. He was a goofball and loyal and desperate to please, you never needed to hide from him.

He did trip once you got into the bedroom, just about managing to toss you off onto the bed with a bounce while he went tumbling onto the floor and smacked his face on the mattress on the way down.

“Oh! Come here, let me see” you laughed, crawling to the edge of the bed and grabbing his head in your hands to find a dopey, dreamy smile on his face as he looked at you.

God, he was such an idiot. You leaned forward to kiss him, trying to pour your adoration into it but quickly finding he kissed your mouth much like he had kissed your clit earlier, sloppy and all over the place. He broke off just long enough to get his top off, tossing it without a care. He was a work of art fully naked and for a moment you balked at the thought of being naked next to him, but you didn’t have much time to consider it before he was on top of you and his mouth was latched onto your tit through you dress.

Your hips bucked up and you screeched in surprise. So fucking tender, my God your tits were so fucking tender. He wasn’t gentle, he was a dog with a bone and he was not about to let go.

“Fuck, oh my God fuck Johnny it’s so much, it’s too much!”

He slapped gently at your thigh.

“You can take it, strongest lassie in the world, need tae have your pretty tits in my mouth” he said, now straddling you and sitting up to just stare at your tits through your dress.

Now that he had gotten one side of the material wet it was sticking obscenely to your puffy nipple. You couldn’t wear bras. Your chest wasn’t big enough to need them yet, but they also were too much for how tender you were. You always had to wear looser fabric around your chest. He was fully fixated, his mouth open and slack and his eyes glossy.

“Need tae see them, let me see my girls” he said, starting to peel your dress up and over your head.

You let him. You couldn’t believe it, but you let him get you fully naked under him. You watched him carefully but there was nothing like disgust or disappointment in his face. There was fucking rapture there, there was disbelief as if he could not believe his luck, couldn’t believe that he could ever do anything to earn this privilege of seeing your body all swollen and aching and flushed under him.

He tweaked your nipple and then finally his eyes snapped to yours when you whined long and low.

“We’re going tae get clamps for these. I want tae tie you to the bed one night and spend the whole time torturing these fucking glorious tits before drowning them in my cum. Fuck. Fuck you’re so perfect. Play with them, please please fucking play with them while I eat your pussy. Need tae hear you make those noises again.”

“Yeah?”

“Aye darlin’, want ye twisting those nipples until ye cannae see straight.”

Your hands dutifully went to start playing with your tits, gingerly at first but a little rougher as you gained confidence and his head settled between your legs to start lapping at your cunt. The pain mixed with the pleasure was exquisite and you could feel your clit throbbing angrily with the need to cum.

“Johnny, want to cum with you inside me. Please” you groaned.

“Shh, got tae be patient for me bonnie girl, let me get ye all nice and stretched. Such a tight little cunt, needs some love tae get ready for my cock.”

“You’re so big, are you going to fit?”

You thought that was probably not a very sexy thing to ask but you genuinely had some doubts. He let out some feral noise and pushed his middle finger against your hole, using his tongue to relax the muscles enough that it popped in and sunk deep making your head thump back against the bed as you moaned.

“Ye’ll fucking make it fit. Strangling my finger, your cunt wants it. Fuck she wants my big, fat cock in her, I can tell with how wet ye are.”

You were wet, liquid drooling from your clit and his saliva everywhere, but he was quick to get a bottle out of the bedside table and absolutely drench your hole with lube.

“That’s it, fucking drooling for me aren’t ye girl?”

You glanced down to find he was not looking at you because it wasn’t you he was talking to. His full attention was at your twitching entrance as he pushed another finger in and started to scissor them to stretch you. His eyes flickered up to catch yours and he gave no warning before he smacked your clit hard to make you yowl.

“Get your fucking hands on those tits, dinnae make me ask again.”

You nearly came right there from the dominance in his tone.

“Yes, sir.”

It was torture playing with your sensitive tits while Johnny stretched you open. If you got distracted by the sensations and stopped playing with yourself he gave a warning slap to your ass to get you going again. You weren’t sure you had ever seem him so utterly concentrated on a task as he was opening you to take his cock.

He was so thorough and efficient that he had four fingers jammed into you before you even realised he had moved up to three. There wasn’t any sting to the stretch, or maybe you were too busy feeling the sharp ache from your tits to notice. He curled his middle finger and hit a spot that made your whole body convulse.

“Fuck baby that’s it, knew I’d find her didn’t I? Nearly got ye squirting from that g-spot. Going tae get my whole fist inside one day, going tae fucking get it in wrapped around my cock and wank off inside of ye” he said, clearly delighted with himself. “Need tae be inside ye. Fuck I need it.”

You looked at him to see he had a hand strangled around his angrily throbbing cock. He was kneeling up now, his fingers still inside of you as he looked at you for permission. Even now he still wanted to make sure he wasn’t fucking anything up.

“Johnny. Fuck me.”

He pulled his fingers out with a squelch and lined his cock up. The first push against your hole met resistance as it tried to keep the blunt head of him out, but with a few rocks the muscles gave way and he was inside you. Both of you sucked in a sharp breath and froze. He wasn’t moving yet, his cock only half way inside, but it was fucking life changing. It was right. It was so, so very right to have this man inside you.

“Fuck. So tight and hot and wet and perfect. Could stay inside this pussy forever” he whined, straining hard to keep himself still.

You rocked your hips up and he groaned, pulling a little out before thrusting back in, getting a little more of himself inside you each time until finally his heavy sack was smashed up against your pussy. He looked at you and you nodded.

“Hands above your head now darlin’” he said, wrapping his hands around the backs of your knees once you had complied and pushing so that your knees were up around your head. “Told ye that she’d make it fit, now I’m going tae fuck ye until you’re ruined for any other cock but mine.”

With a grunt he pulled out to the tip and drilled forward to bury himself fully inside you in one hard thrust that had you squealing and bucking your hips up. He only growled and pressed harder on your legs to get you pressed flat to the bed before he really started fucking you. Your hands met the headboard as you were shoved up the bed with the force of his thrusts.

You felt like you were having an out of body experience, like you were watching yourself get impaled and finally seeing yourself as every bit of woman that you had worried you weren’t all this time.

“Not going tae last, need ye tae cum for me. Want it all over the fucking sheet, want ye tae squirt everywhere” Johnny growled above you.

You were so fucking close with him hitting the spot with every thrust. You were already drooling with arousal and everything was swollen and throbbing and ready to burst.

“Then I’m going tae give ye my cum, going tae fuck it so deep, fucking drown your cunt and get ye round with my fucking kids.”

You whined and felt yourself tense, ready for your whole body to let go, but his pace stuttered and you pulled back from the edge. You wanted to cry.

“Fuck fuck fuck, we didnae talk about that. I didnae ask” he said, horror on his face.

He was back to that pleading puppy, so scared he had hurt you as he released your legs. He had just ruined your orgasm and his by the looks of how tense he was and how his cock throbbed inside you because he was worried that a breeding kink was going to distress you. Oh fuck, you were so in love with this stupid, wonderful idiot. You grabbed his face in your hands and brought it down to yours as your legs came to settle around his waist with your heels crossed behind his ass.

“Johnny I’m fine. It’s hot. I love you for checking, but if you don’t fuck a baby into me right this second and make me squirt then I’m going to go in a shower and take care of myself.”

“Hold on then gorgeous lassie” he replied with a grin and what you swear were teary eyes before he started fucking into you again.

It wasn’t as frantic or aggressive as before, it was a sensual roll as he held you tight. It was intimate and loving and perfect and when he reached between you to play with your clit you broke beautifully and felt your release streak hot and sticky against your stomach.

“Good girl, now take it” he moaned as he thrust hard three more times before emptying himself deep inside of you.

The collapsing weight of him was suffocating but comforting and you just laughed in disbelief that this had just happened and hugged him to you. After a moment you groaned as your tits were overstimulated from the skin contact and your cunt was feeling sore as he rutted even while softening. He chuckled to himself and lifted off of you. His cock leaving you caused a bit of a wince, he really was huge.

He propped himself up by your side and lazily played with his own cum oozing from your cunt, scooping it up and pushing it back inside. After a few moments of you both catching your breath he leaned over and kissed you softly.

“You’re the most perfect woman I’ve ever met. I love you, bonnie lassie.”

“I love you too.”

—

Soap had barely walked into the pub before Ghost and Price swore up a storm and handed over a tenner to Gaz. He collected his winnings smugly. It might have seemed a safe bet to them that Soap would fuck it up, but if there was one thing that Gaz knew for certain it was that even a mutt could be trained when they had the right motivation. And the dopey grin on the 141 mutt’s face told him that he had indeed found that motivation in between the legs of his pretty girl.

[thinkingrocks]

vox's life: headcannons

im an electrical engineer and i have opinions on this character. moral of the story: don't fuck with CRT capacitors, shits scary

i have a lot of Vox thoughts, or Voughts, and i will be rambling about them at legnth under the cut.

TLDR: he invented zuckerberging. also i see his "canon" death date of 1950s and respectfully disagree. its way funnier if he died the year widespread television became a thing. the fruits of his labor were all for naught etc etc

1928: Vox was in college as an electrical engineer when the first ever live TV Demo happened, and I think he was immediately obsessed with it. Decided he'd do anything to work with TV. He and his friend/roommate at the time went full tilt into learning about TVs and working on them, and by the time they graduated, they had the beginnings of what would be a very profitable company.. together.

1930s: Out of the two of them, Vox has the better social skills(relative), so he's the one who talks to investors and handles that part of the business, though he still works on some tech. He decides he likes talking to people, marketing, manipulating, being a little showman. I like to think this ties into that one trivia fact that he likes watching commercials.

early 1940s: He starts wondering why he's splitting half of this company(HIS company) with some guy who can't even bother to attend business meetings. Tensions start rising, he starts using some of that handy manipulation skill he honed in business on his friends

1945: Tensions break. Through less than legitimate means, he steals the company out from under his partner. His partner threatens to go start his own, since he did the majority of the tech work. We can't have that. Vox doesn't kill him himself, imo, because he is kind of allergic to getting his hands dirty. He revs up that media training and uses it to create a smear campaign so brutal and widespread that his former partner offs himself. Problem solved

Late 1940s: Vox starts getting paranoid about people trying to steal his empire from him, funny that. He starts trying to do everything himself, because he doesn't trust anyone. Starts losing a lot of sleep, getting a little insane but its fine man. Don't worry about it.

1947: Sleep deprived, paranoid, and working on a final prototype model due soon, he electrocutes himself because you shouldn't fuck with CRT capacitors. Wakes up in hell with electricity powers and a CRT head because it's hilarious.

Alastor: Yeah we all know what we're here for. I don't think they ever met in life, but I definitely think Vox knew of him. Alastor was actively broadcasting during the 20s up until his death in 1933, and college student Vox I think listened to a lot of radio while studying and working. I also think in the later years, Alastor was never technically caught as a serial killer, but "hey I think that radio guy was that one killer, cuz he stopped broadcasting right after he stopped killing" was like one of those insane conspiracy statements you'd say to get a laugh at parties, but Vox always secretly kind of believed it, and was VERY vindicated in hell.

I am fully prepared for actual canon to contradict all of this but that's fine because it means they finally had to get season 2 out.

[phantomoftheorpheum]

PLL: OS (Summer School) Finale Live Notes.

*Spoilers for the entirety of PLL Summer School

Okay friends, we've come to end of the season! I took notes throughout the episode, so here they are, plus some post-episode thoughts.

I knew Kelly wouldn't be dead! Faran had no reason to arrive so quickly if she wasn't going to be able to save her.

Okay, not important, but Kelly's hair always looks so good when they let it be wavy, I hope she'll get that style more in season 3 (assuming there is one), which would also set her apart from Karen.

Y'all, istg if the Ravenswood namedrop means they're taking an actual supernatural angle with this, I will be the one rioting.

"They just kinda showed up outta nowhere. I mean, doesn't that Christian guy make horror masks?" hkhjsdhfjk Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Great Point. Jk, jk, I promise I do not actually hate Jen or think she's the worst person in the show, I just really hate the love triangle trope and the way this storyline has been handled and this made me laugh, and while this feels like a big deflection, yet again (like... as did you?), she seriously does have a point, someone SHOULD be bringing up the masks.

I actually love the bickering when people start accusing each other’s SOs. I do like that the girls are supportive of each other, but they need conflict, too. Also interesting to see what comes out when people are getting defensive. 

Aaaaand there's another Scream reference. Tabby: Safety in numbers! but then Tabby, approximately 2 seconds later: Let's go individually investigate our suspicious love interests and then regroup! TABBY YOU ARE A HORROR NERD, YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

If Johnny is not involved, he really is the CHILLEST dude on the planet.

Confirmation that the Bloody Rose murders were filmed! That's so validating. At this point in the episode, I'm leaning towards Wes and not Christian in this aspect. They're (the girls) too worried about Johnny and Christian, which wouldn't make either of them a major twist, and they have been literally 0% worried about Wes (which I still maintain makes absolutely no sense, considering what Tabby and Christian found at his place. & the main reason he ever dropped ever so slightly on my suspect list [he was still very, very up there] was how ridiculously HUGE of a red flag that should have been that it felt like it could be a set up, but then Tabby didn't get suspicious [which was also my biggest red flag with Christian, but now she is suspicious of him] so...)

I thought it would be a stabbing and not her smashing him on the head (I also thought it might be a nightmare), but I WAS right about my “rule of threes” and my prediction that Johnny was going to fail to talk down Imogen, after successfully doing so twice before.

I'm not convinced he's actually an antagonist because if he were, why the fuck would he hide bodies at the place he works, like that is a ridiculously bad move, but also if this kills him & he’s not bad, that’s gonna be so fucked & also Imogen could definitely go to jail. So. Idk what to believe yet. 

Y’ALL, I swear to god these are my as I am watching notes & I absolutely did not realize how hilarious me calling Johnny “the CHILLEST dude on the planet,” was going to end up being. I know this scene is serious, but I just lost it, knowing how it related to my notes.

Okay, on a more serious note. Survivability is not looking great for Johnny. Also, Imogen, word of advice- when you find bodies in the freezer, LEAVE and call the police, don’t go confront the guy you believe murdered them!!! 

Okay, pause. Tabby just fell down the stairs at Christian’s (knew that was coming, obviously) after finding a Davie mask (not surprised), but since we have half an hour left in the episode, I’m guessing this means that the frame job I thought was happening IS happening and it’s happening to Christian (Wes hired Christian specifically to frame him?) and Johnny, meaning Wes is likely the mastermind. Also, this makes me VERY suspicious of Jen. She pushed the girls towards Johnny and Christian and now there’s the perfect evidence to turn Imogen and Tabby against them?

Right. So I did not have on my bingo card that Rose Waters would actually get her face carved off, that was honestly more brutal than I was expecting. 

The body on the altar is Pastor Malachi, which I’m a little disappointed about (in myself), but I did say he was the only one of the other victims that I could make any argument for being there, but I really thought it was going to be somebody important to Rose.

Okay, WELL, yes on Mrs. Langsberry and yes on Wes, but I did NOT expect him to take that mask off during the livestream. I really thought he was going to try to pin everything on someone else. I also don’t believe for a second he intends to let Tabby live, no matter what she says (though I do believe he would let her “seem” to live for the sake of the film, then kill her after). 

Did Christian not just say they should go to the screening room because there are no doors? But then immediately direct them out of some exit doors? I think this is just silly writing & not actually nefarious, but rofl.

“Mickey is a sick fuck who wants to get caught!" It really is Scream 2! It really is! Except Tabby didn't have a "wavering because I'm not sure if I can trust my boyfriend and maybe I shouldn't untie him," equivalent moment, really.

I know they all did self defense, but that last guy Tabby took out looked like a video game takedown, lol. I would have probably believed it more with Faran, but I get it.

Well, at least Faran got to punch Bloody Rose.

I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF. Tabby and Christian have that whole convo about their favorite horror movie deaths and she brings up the pitchfork, and at the time I even thought, “I wonder if someone is gonna get stabbed with a pitchfork,” and then I chose not to bother to type that up and I cannot believe I did not type that up! Of all the useless crap I typed up and that's the thing I didn't bother to ever post about? I'm disappointed in myself.

Y’all, maybe one of you should stay with Tabby, like maybe you don’t need 4 of you to go into the cabin to check the Wes situation. 

I do love the “they always come back” Scream reference with Wes’s death here.

Okay, but... why did he kidnap Dr. Sullivan? And why was Pastor Malachi on the altar? And we're not gonna talk about the tests? Like I get they were for the movie, but we're just not even gonna mention them? Because if Wes is using that footage for his film, then isn't it kind of a problem that they all survived because that very much does not make Tabby the typical sole final girl.

Uuuuummmm…. Like assuming we’ve had all the important reveals and not considering what they might write next season, Imogen really fucked up the Johnny situation, turns out that really was the chillest dude on the planet.

Whoa. Wait. After all that, we’re just getting it thrown at us that Dr. Sullivan is actually a total asshole?? It's wild that she was actually risking her license just to write a book and she hates all of them.

I mean, Archie not actually being dead is the least surprising thing ever. Obviously he was not actually dead.

So.... are the girls wearing the girls masks supposed to be the movie Tabby is imagining? Or are we actually supposed to be concerned about this?

Wow, okay, lots to digest.

Immediate Post-Finale Thoughts

I'm so tired and I stayed up super late to watch this, so I will probably do a "now I've had some time to think about it," post finale post later, but this will have to do for now.

Overall, I thought this was a fun finale! Personally I like this reveal much better than the Principal Clanton one.

However, there are so many loose threads, unresolved storylines, and randomly missing characters, so I'm gonna go over a few of those.

Ash just basically stopped existing. They say his name a couple of times, but him just not being in the finale at all felt weird.

Same goes for Greg, who I normally wouldn't miss, except they had all the Faran/Greg stuff last episode. I'm not sure why they cut most of that, but then left what they did in 2x07. It feels like maybe they felt they had to keep some of it because they wanted to show Faran missing Kelly's phone call, but they couldn't explain why Faran and Greg were out together if they didn't have their hookup earlier in the episode, but... I think it would have been cleaner to just cut all of that and just show Faran seeing the missed call without any explanation of why she missed it. I don't know. I think this was a pretty messy way to handle it.

-longest sigh in the world- you're telling me that the Shawn/Noa/Jen love triangle literally had absolutely nothing to do with anything and we spent that much time on it????? This kills me. I gave the writers too much of the benefit of the doubt on this one. I really, really thought they wouldn't do all of that and literally not have any of it matter. Is this really what they wrote? This isn't the edit? Blegh. This was such a waste of time of a plot point. Why did they bother to have Shawn in this plot line at all? You're telling me not only did I sit through 2 of my least favorite tropes (love triangle and infidelity) and you could have just written Shawn out between seasons and had the conflict be that Noa is enamored with Jen, but one (or more) of the girls don't trust her because she showed up out of nowhere (like she accuses Christian and Johnny of doing) and keeps lying about things? But instead they did this? And for what? So Noa can call someone to hot wire a car? Because we didn't even get any drama out of it (aside from Noa smashing Shawn's car and the little bit of bickering in this episode) because the girls were immediately supportive and Shawn's reaction was relegated to some angry weightlifting. What the fuck? This was a huge miss, imo.

So... It seems like a lot of Imogen's stuff was only there to set up her attacking Johnny. Like the whole babysitting Estelle sequence never comes back around (but this is the first time Johnny sees her panicking with a knife), and the stuff with her dad and Rebecca didn't matter, except for the fact that Johnny also talks her down when she has a knife. Hm.

So? How long were those bodies in the freezer and what was the point of putting them there if Wes wanted to get caught anyway? Because surely Johnny would notice if they'd been there a long time, but also they weren't trying to frame him (poor dude got hit on the head with a wrench by his girlfriend and then locked in a freezer with 3 dead bodies), so?

I wish we'd gotten a little more explanation of Wes's plan. I still don't really get why he kidnapped Dr. Sullivan and tied her up in the shack. Where was that going?

Am I just super sleep deprived, or did all this just not have any connection to the Waters family lore, aside from Wes killing Rose (I think she's dead) and appropriating the Waters family story for the film? Also, how does his reveal work, since he's just suddenly not in character? Like what the hell is Wes's film?

Who/what did the snake in Imogen's poster represent? WAS it Dr. Sullivan and Wes knew about the book? I can't think of why it would be there, otherwise. This stuff feels quite messy to me.

I have a hard time believing Mrs. Beasley is just not going to be an abusive piece of crap any longer, but it's nice to see Kelly with the other girls.

How did SpookySpaghetti get all the girl's new phone numbers? That was not made clear.

Do we think there was someone else we know who was involved (I mean that they've actually planned for, not that they will retcon in later) that didn't get caught?

So the three figures in the poster are Wes as Archie, Mrs. Langsberry as Rose, and Chip? as the skeleton? I assume?

I do feel pleased that I called the combo of "someone making a movie and a mother avenging her dead child," but I'm a little disappointed a love interest didn't get revealed as evil, and also I thought the "mother" would be a bit more unhinged than Mrs. Langsberry ended up being. Like obviously she is committing a bunch of murders at Wes' direction, so not a shining example of rational thinking, and she's in denial about Chip, but I thought the "mother" was going to be fully delusional, tbh.

Am I still a little sad that they didn't find a way to shoehorn in a musical moment for Antonio? Yeah, a little, but he's alive so there's always possibly next season. (To be clear, I do not want them to do a musical episode, like please no, I just was hoping they do karaoke at some point this season or something, though I had no expectation of that fitting into the finale).

Season 3 renewal announcement soon?

Okay, I'm sure there's more, but I'm super exhausted and I need time to mentally digest this.

As usual, if you have any thoughts/feelings you want to share, feel free to shoot me an ask!

[stars-n-spice]

THOUGHTS ON S3 EP 05:

as always, spoilers under the cut and my thoughts are in no way coherent or in the order of how things happen in the episode

it's just me going to be screaming about whatever comes to mind as i type this

holy shit y'all new comfort episode just dropped!

kid you not, after seeing the episode i deadass went, "Wow, I'm so glad that episode didn't absolutely devastate me!" while I was like,, sobbing

whole episode i was either crying, screaming, or punching a pillow

can't even cry anymore, don't got no tears left

ANYWAYS

I AM AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING CLOWN FOR THINKING WE WERE GOING TO GET A PROPER REACTION/CONTINUATION FROM THE LAST EPISODE

OF FUCKING COURSE THEY WERE GOING TO SKIP OVER IT AND JUST,, FUCKING DIVE RIGHT IN. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

what is it with this show and having what would be emotional reactions to heavy things off screen???

fanfic writers you know what to do

anyways,,

Omega being back with Lula :( and her new outfit is so cute I love it so much :((

THEM BEING BACK ON PABU!!!! <3333 and still sleeping in their ship lol

AZI!!!!! HE'S OKAY!!! HE'S ALIVE AND HE'S THERE AND I LOVE HIM AND I MISSED HIM :((

Crosshair practicing :( and his aim just,,, getting worse :(((

CROSSHAIR AND BATCHER ARE SUCH A DUO!! I FUCKING LOVED EVERY MOMENT WITH THE TWO OF THEM,, THE LITTLE PETS AND SMILES CROSS GAVE BATCH UGGHH

will never ever ever ever get over cross and omega's dynamic,, I love them so much and I'm so glad he's back

I don't know how many times i went, "They're all back together!!" in this episode only to remember Tech isn't there and then sob violently

BUT ECHO FINALLY RETURNS - i'm kinda bitter about how he reacted to seeing Omega again because it seemed like,, like he was completely unfazed by the fact she was captured and sent to a hidden facility conducting god know what experiments BUT at the same time,, I could see it being that Echo always knew she was more than capable of escaping on her own so he wasn't too worried but STILL

"What no hug for me?" <- AAGUUHH,, and then the little smirk Crosshair gave after Echo's response,, they have no bad blood, love that

when Crosshair started talking about the facility I fucking KNEW he was talking about Barton IV and i was in so much pain,, agony even

Was NOT expecting them to return but I'm so glad they did because it played such a vital role in Crosshair's growth and returning to it and growing even more,, just,, aguughhh

WHEN HE FOUND MAYDAY'S HELMET,, FUCK FUCK FUCK minutes before that scene i was like "i swear to god if he finds something from Mayday-"

MAYDAY COME BACK YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT,, YOU DID SO MUCH :((

Hunter and Cross' dynamic in this was so fun to watch but also had me gnawing on my hands

could NOT get over the fact that they brought the dog with them on the mission, idk why but that's fucking hilarious to me

OMEGA CALLING CROSSHAIR "LITTLE BROTHER" AND CROSS CHUCKLING AT IT SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!

WHEN WRECKER GAVE CROSSHAIR BACK HIS ARMOR I FUCKING KNEW HE WAS THE ONE WHO KEPT IT AGUUGHHH

god I love Wrecker so much

"Omega trusts him and that's enough for me" FUCK

he wasn't super prominent in this episode but everything he did made me love him more

WHEN HE WAS DIGGING IN THE SNOW?? fucking lost it

THE HUG AT THE END???? FUCKING FINALLY???? THE WAY HE IMMEDIATELY KNEW AND HE JUST,,, FUCK,, RAN UP TO THEM????

like you can tell the whole episode Wrecker was just waiting for the two of them to work things out

i missed all of them so much

it was so good to see them all work together

GOD FUCKING AUGUUHH

THE FIGHT CROSS AND HUNTER HAD??? CROSSHAIR READING HUNTER LIKE A FUCKING BOOK??

when he started to blame Hunter for his failures?? oh fuck as an oldest child that hurt SO much and I was so scared Crosshair was going to pull a "You're the reason why Tech is dead" card

But your honor they are brothers, I love them so much

"i said talk to him, not argue with him!" - "he started it" <- crosshair you cannot beat the youngest brother allegations

hey Crosshair probably didn't tell his brothers about his shaky hands,, ahahahahahaha,aha,,ahh,,,ha..

lmao love that being in a life or death situation and saving each other from it was what made Hunter and Cross start to trust each other

this episode was so great you don't understand

and i'm so happy nothing like,, terrible happened in it

yes I cried a fuckton throughout it but,, at least Omega is still with them and at least Echo is back (for now) and at least they're slowly starting to make up and be a team again

anyways,, nice episode,, can't wait for things to just get worse from here

[brighteyedbushybrowed]

𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐊𝐢𝐬𝐬

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 It turns out that Mary isn't as experienced as you first assumed he was, but that's not the only surprise you're going to get. 𝐌𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐲 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 First Kiss 𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐩(𝐬) Mary Goore x GN!Reader 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 No smut here, Mary has long blonde hair in this one because I said so, Mary is inexperienced, first kiss (obviously), I made a bad pun about ghosting that I find absolutely hilarious (anyone who says it's not funny is wrong actually). 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 1439 words. 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬 I'm still in pain from yesterday but don't worry y'all, I'm still giving you a Mushy may fic today. I've only briefly proofread this to make sure I don't use gendered terms or pronouns for reader but if I've missed any please let me know and I'll fix it! 𝐊𝐨-𝐟𝐢 𝐓𝐢𝐩 𝐉𝐚𝐫

Out of the two of you, you’d expected Mary to have been the most experienced when it came to relationships and sex. Not that you hadn’t had any experience, of course. You’d dated a couple of people in school, fooled around in college, and as an adult you’d had your share of one night stands and a couple of serious relationships. You’d assumed it had been the same for Mary, especially considering he was in a band and seemed to have fans throwing themselves at him regularly enough at the bar after gigs that would have been more than happy to share a bed with him. So, when you and Mary were actually talking about relationships one night at his apartment you were surprised to be told otherwise.

“That’s bullshit!”

Mary snorted. “Why? Do I seem like I’d lie about that kind of thing?”

“Of course not. You just… I don’t know. You’re hot, you’re talented, you’re cool. I’d have thought at least one person would have kissed you by now.”

“Well, they haven’t.” They shrugged, tearing off a corner of garlic bread and plopping it in their mouth before they continued talking. “I wasn’t all that popular at school, and I was more focused on the band and writing music and keeping a roof over my head. I didn’t really stop to consider when I wanted my first kiss or who it would be with.”

Smiling, you plucked a couple of fries from the greasy takeout box and dipped them in barbecue sauce. “Come on, there must be someone you wanted to have your first kiss with.”

“Nope.”

You caught the reddening of the tops of his ears and the blush just starting to creep into his cheeks. “Lies. There’s totally someone you want to kiss, I can tell. Who is it? Is it someone I know?”

Mary wrinkled their nose and looked away, long blonde hair falling and obscuring their face. “Don’t know what you’re talking about. Now shut up and eat before the food gets cold.”

Taken aback, you averted your gaze and stared down at the food laid out on the coffee table. You’d both pitched in to buy yourselves some pizza and other various bits of takeout for the night while you watched a movie, but even though your stomach felt empty your hunger had quickly dissipated at their tone. The blonde was almost never snappy with you. In fact, you were one of the only people that they hadn’t gotten into a spat with in the four years you’d known each other.

The tension that had emerged in the air was stifling as you forced yourself to eat your food, both of you remaining silent save for the odd comment about something happening in the movie.

***

You hated the bar. The people in there always leered at you, watching you with predatory eyes every time you visited. If it were possible, you’d have waited until Mary got off work and just called or texted them instead. However, you’d been given no choice when they left all your messages on read and let your calls go to voicemail for the past four days. This was the first time you’d ever gotten into an argument with the blonde and you weren’t even sure if this was a fight. It was less fight and more flight, Mary avoiding and ignoring you every time you tried to communicate.

And it fucking sucked.

Trying to shrug off the feeling of being watched, you approached the bar and were relieved to see Mary was on shift, their long blonde locks tied back into a ponytail. You waited until they’d served their current customer before walking over to where they’d just stood, hands on your hips.

“Huh. That’s funny.”

He frowned. “What?”

You made a point of looking him up and down, leaning in to pinch his cheek. “I thought you were dead seeing as you’ve been ghosting me. Assumed you were just floating around back here in spirit form, wailing and waving some spooky chains.”

Mary swatted your hand away, trying and failing not to smile. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

“No. What’s ridiculous is you ignoring me for four days without telling me what I’ve done wrong.” You rested your elbows on the bar, looking up at him expectantly. “So, spill. I’m not leaving until you explain what I’ve done so I can apologise and try to make it up to you.”

The blonde bit his lip, glancing over at one of the other bar staff. “Wait here for a moment.”

Before you could say anything in response, they strolled over to their co-worker, and you watched them talk. The colleague glanced at you briefly, giving an awkward wave, before turning back to Mary and nodding. Mary looked over at you and gestured for you to follow them before slipping out from behind the bar and towards the staff only area.

The staff room was small and harshly lit, but it was also cosy. A couple of sofas, a little kitchenette, and some lockers took up a lot of the space. You felt a swell of pride when you saw the poster, you’d made for Repugnant hanging up proudly on the wall above the sofa that Mary plopped themselves down on, patting the cushion beside them.

“Look,” you started as you sank into the seat beside him. “I don’t want our friendship to be ruined because of what happened the other night, okay? I really like you and spending time with you, and I don’t–”

Your eyes widened at the soft press of lips against yours. Of all the possible outcomes you’d thought of for tonight, Mary kissing you wasn’t one of them.

It took a moment for you to respond, eyes fluttering closed as you shakily took hold of the front of his shirt and kissed him back. There was nothing sexual behind it, for you or for him. There was just the movement of your lips against his, Mary letting you take the lead as you tilted your head and gave an experimental swipe of his bottom lip with your tongue. He quickly leaned back, panting and staring at you with a panicked expression.

“Shit. Uh…” Their face turned a pretty shade of dark pink as they hastily looked away. “I probably should have asked first. Sorry.”

The full realisation of what had just happened struck you, hard. Mary gave you their first kiss.

You weaved your fingers through theirs, squeezing their hand. “Don’t be sorry. Please.”

Their eyes briefly flickered up to yours before darting away again. “If you don’t feel the same way for me then that’s fine. I didn’t really think I had a chance with you, but I’ve wanted to do that for a few months now and when you asked me the other night, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want you to get up and leave and our friendship be over just like that.”

Cupping their chin with your free hand, you gently turned their head so that they were looking at you once more. “And who said you don’t have a chance with me, hm? Because I know I certainly didn’t.”

“Oh, well, nobody did. I just assumed–”

“Yeah, you’re damn right you assumed.” You released their face and were relieved when they didn’t try to look away again. “You could’ve asked me out on a date at any point and I’d have said yes immediately. I trust you a lot more than I trust a lot of other people, especially the customers out in the bar. You treat me with so much respect and care and it’s so easy to talk to you. You make me laugh harder than anyone else does and you’re always there when I need someone to talk to. And just so you know, I’ve wanted to kiss you for some time now too.”

Mary nodded quietly, processing your words before he responded. “Okay. Well, in that case, do you wanna… go out sometime? On a date, I mean. Not like, go out in general. You go outside every day for work. And to do groceries. And to visit me at work. And–”

This time you were the one to surprise him and pecked his lips, beaming. “A date with you sounds perfect.”

Mary grinned and pulled you into a hug, arms crushing you in his embrace as he tackled you onto your back on the sofa and the two of you burst into a bout of giggles.

You couldn’t wait to take him on his first date.

[fromdeepspace-withlove]

Fic idea that I’m posting here because it’s ass-o’clock and my phone’s notes function wasn’t open. This won’t make any sense to anyone sry:

Wanxian (with a side of Jiang Chang and Wen Qing)

- Genius artist and inventor Wei Ying also neurotypical AF because childhood trauma caused him all sorts of issues but also taught him to think in entirely new and inventive ways. His art is a literal insane mishmash of performance, found object collections, activism, and gorgeous weird shit like mini dioramas that are batshit crazy and charming and gorgeous and fantasy maps of hilarious places (I dreamt this and was crying laughing in my dream, I hope I can replicate it)

- college roommates with sheltered but peaceful poetry student Lan Zhan, who at first is shocked that their dorm room has been turned into some sort of bizarro art installation but then meets Wei Ying and has his mind thoroughly blown. THEN he sees his actual giant theme park of an art exhibition and has his mind even more blown.

- Wei Ying is also always backstage hanging out with buddies at a local insanely cool club and music venue, being himself aka the center of everyone’s attention but kinda oblivious and just living his life on his own terms. LWJ happens to go there one night for a poetry slam, and sees Wei Ying walking back stage and has a gay panic about it but still recites the poem he wrote inspired by his feelings for WWX. It’s vague enough so that WWX has no clue but he does have his own mind blown a little.

- Along with being an artist, WWX is also a genius scientist and is helping program an unmanned spacecraft at a science buddy’s request (Huisang maybe?)

- Then shit gets bad. The spacecraft blows up and kills several people in the vicinity, and word leaks out that an unauthorized person who isn’t even a real scientist was involved in the programming. WWX obviously gets blamed. He becomes withdrawn and self isolates, looking more and more unhinged, and by this point, far out of college, Lan Zhan can only worry from a distance because WWX keeps pushing him away.

- The only person WWX really doesn’t push away is Wen Qing’s baby cousin. Because of this, the Wen siblings have to watch him slowly shut down and destroy himself. No longer creating, hardly existing, no longer interested in activism, he’s just given up. He gets daily harassment and death threats from strangers. He goes on a talk show in order to use the chance not to address his own scandal but to bring attention to an actual cause he used to support wholeheartedly. He blows it, basically letting Jiang Cheng, Wen Ning, and Wen Qing do the work while remaining silent.

- Jiang Cheng blows a fuse about him giving up, but Wen Qing and Wen Ning decide to fix him by figuring out what really happened to the spacecraft because they don’t believe WWX would or could fuck that up. They enlist Huisang and investigate. Lan Zhan volunteers too.

- Shocker, it turns out that it was Meng Yao, who then framed WWX by anonymously releasing the story to the press.

- I haven’t figured out the aftermath, and I’m open to ideas

- But basically WWX comes back to himself, gets together with Lan Zhan, and goes back to being an amazing creative genius weirdo. Lan Zhan is just smug about everything. WWX and JC make up and JC and WQ get together (there’s a whole crazy subplot to this that I’m too tired to write now so I hope I remember it but basically she saved his life as a child. And they both were unaware it was the other of that time. JC is currently in a bad relationship and WQ is lowkey in love with WWX but knows she doesn’t have a chance so she promotes him to free didi status.

[copperbadge]

Mr Badge, as an (unwilling?) connoisseur of Hallmark Christmas movies, do you have any recommendations for particularly good or enjoyable ones?

Ah, see, the problem is they're so much of a muchness, and I never pay attention to titles, so I could be like "well there's the one about the cookies" which, there's actually like 15 about cookies, and I have no idea which is the one I saw, and also because they're made in about two weeks by like, four guys with a binder and a camera, often the information about them online is incomplete.

I do have a few, but I also want to caveat that Hallmark Christmas movies are rarely something you just sit down and watch. Usually they're something you put on in the background while doing other things, or you sit and "watch" them while surfing on your phone or doing handcrafts or something. Most of them are extremely difficult to focus your entire attention upon. :D

If you can catch the Hallmark Movies & Mysteries "Happy And Friends Yule Log", it is far and away the finest yule log out there. The focus will be, for a while, on a fireplace with a merry fire burning, flanked by gifts and Christmas trees...then it will cut to a Christmas ornament for a minute, and when it cuts back, kittens and puppies (and the occasional potbelly pig) will be cavorting in front of it. I believe all the animals in the film are rescues, and Happy The Dog and Happy The Cat, who are the "hosts", are adorable. (You can see an earlier year's here.)

Also if you're looking for a bit of a very gentle romcom without the Christmas angle, basically any Hallmark movie featuring or produced by Kavan Smith is A+ by Hallmark standards, especially since as he's gotten older he's generally cast women his age to play opposite him, and they don't really worry too much about airbrushing out the odd wrinkle or grey hair. He really loves Hallmark movies and he has really good taste in scripts.

Finally, if you're looking for ideas for movies to watch, listen to the podcast It's Christmastown -- they review and analyze Hallmark movies, so you can listen to the podcast, get their view on it, and then decide whether you want to watch it. Jeb and Dave are really funny, too, and super nice to talk to.

Anyway, I have a few titles below the cut...

Christmas At Pemberley Manor is a fun one especially if you like Jane Austen because it has nothing to do with Jane Austen. It's just a modern-day AU with about the skill level of a tenth grader just trying out fanfic for the first time. It is, however, still pretty charming, and has the closest thing I have ever seen to an actual villain in a hallmark movie. Also the Darcy character is fun to watch because he's so clearly a better-written character trapped in a Hallmark film. I believe it's got at least one sequel, though I haven't seen it. (I've heard the other Hallmark Austen AU nonsense, Unleashing Mr. Darcy and its sequels, are pretty good, but I haven't seen them.)

A Shoe Addict's Christmas was memorable at first mainly for the title, but if you can put up with Candace Cameron Bure's....bureness (I would normally recommend avoiding the ones she's in because she generally insists on a high level of evangelism) it's actually a really charming story and Jean Smart is fucking hilarious in it. :D And I think...the thing about A Shoe Addict's Christmas is that like many Hallmark movies, under the fluff there is something interesting about the way these movies view womens' lives. You can make all the jokes you want about Big City Woman Coming Home To Get Negged By A Man but that's actually pretty rare. Most Hallmark Christmas movies are about a woman who is unhappy with her life and is challenged -- yes, by the love interest generally, but that's how romances work -- to examine her choices and make ones that are better for her. Which is very much what this movie is about -- a woman reliving her life through memories of the shoes she wore and loved, and wondering what would have happened if she'd made different choices.

There's one about a bakery getting bought out that I thought featured a man as the baker and a woman as the Agent Of The CEO but I can't find that one so I think I must have mixed it up; in any case Christmas In Love is a movie about a kringle bakery that I recall as being pretty enjoyable.

This is a Lifetime movie and I'm going to caveat that also I am Not A Jew, but as a student of Judaism I actually really loved Mistletoe & Menorahs, which is about a toy executive who gets mistaken for being Jewish and has to learn Jewish custom and tradition in order to make a big pitch to one of the executives. It was written by a Jewish man and clearly some of the artistic staff were also Jewish, and I think there's a depth to it that I really found delightful. The example I always point to is that her Jewish love interest, at one point, is waking up from a nap and goes to the door wrapped in a blanket to let her in, and the blanket is fringed and draped to look (obviously deliberately) like a prayer shawl.

Netflix also has one, or had it, IDK if it's still available, called A Christmas Prince, and it was heavily influential in how I designed Fete For A King. I thought an extremely nice touch was that the prince's younger sister is visibly disabled and as far as I can recall it's not a huge deal ever, there's no magical healing or even a desire to be different, she's just...disabled and present as a whole human. (I'd need to rewatch so like, don't necessarily take my word for it, but I recall really liking the sister both as a person and as disabled rep.)

Netflix also has a whole series of Christmas movies starting with The Princess Switch which are about a princess and a baker who look startlingly alike, and both The Princess Switch and Princess Switch 2: Switched Again are fascinating. I can't really say whether or not they're good, but they're so fucking bonkers it almost doesn't matter. They're the best kind of zany because they're not playing it for ironic laughs, they really commit to the bit.

Lastly, I have mixed feelings about the Signed Sealed Delivered For Christmas movie (which is a holiday movie based on a pre-existing series, but you don't have to have seen the series to understand it) because it's got some weird problematic evangelical stuff in it, but also the Signed Sealed Delivered films/series -- about a crew of people who work in the dead letter office of the USPS -- are kind of charming. They have a really compelling setup and feature a number of characters that very obviously code as autistic, who work in jobs where their skills are appreciated and get nice romances with pretty people. And the romantic hero drinks YooHoo out of a wineglass which you really have to see to understand the weird hilarity of.

Hallmark also has an app that if you download it will put every new Hallmark Christmas premiere movie on your google calendar (ask me how I know: my mother did this and it put every Hallmark film coming out that year on our family calendar) and they usually release between 20 and 40, so sometimes it's good for a laugh just to sit down and watch one and giggle at the production values or weird writing.

Anyway, I hope you find some enjoyable ones to watch this holiday season! If you see any you like drop a comment or a reblog so other people who are interested in the bizarre cultural phenomenon can watch too :D

[mangoshorthand]

This might be weird to ask you but I am writing a Klaus-centric fic where he has had twins who inherited his powers and hunted him down. He didn't know they existed until then. I love how you write Five and I myself am not very good at that so would you mind sharing your opinion on what he would say to Klaus when the latter seeks him out and tells him about his children having inherited his powers and having been raised in the abusive foster care system because of their abusive mother? I feel like he would only talk about powers from a pragmatic viewpoint and not really engage with the second topic at all but I am not sure. I have loved how you have written uncle Five but Santi grew up in front of his eyes so that's different I guess.

Thank you for asking, that's very flattering!

I think this largely depends on where Five is mentally. This is what would have most influence on his priorities in this situation.

Apocalypse mindset:

If he's still in the mindset that an apocalypse in imminent, then, as you say, his first impulse would be to grill Klaus on them to try and ascertain whether they pose a threat. He'd ask a series of quickfire, pointed questions to work this out.

If they pose a threat:

He's leaping into action and having a very serious discussion with Klaus about how he needs to shape up, pull his finger out of his ass and be a father, and Five is for sure coming along with him to ensure that he doesn't fuck this up.

In this scenario, he would be worried that their abusive past would make them more volatile. Ensuring the kids' welfare is secondary to ensuring they don't blow up the world, but his first instinct is to ensure they don't blow up the world via their best interests being catered to.

If they don't pose a threat:

Once he's worked out they're not a threat, he'd start to find this all a little amusing. Klaus as a Dad? But as soon as it became clear to him that the twins have had an abusive past, he'd become more serious, listen to Klaus's worries and maybe try to act the part of the sage old man and give him a bracing talk. e.g. "Sometimes life has a way of kicking us up the ass. I know you'll be a great dad, but it won't come easy. I'll be here if you need me, but it's time for you step up. You got no other option: they need you."

Not worried about the apocalypse:

Then he's straight in with the humour. Oh my god, this is going to be hilarious and Five is ready to pull out the popcorn watching Klaus of all people trying to discipline kids.

But then, again, once he heard about their abuse, he's taking this much more seriously. He might make one joke like: "And you're the better option? Jesus, they really did have it hard." but if it became clear that Klaus was worried, he's going to move into supporting his brother, giving him the sage advice as above.

Bonding with the twins, (if needed):

If they're old enough to hunt Klaus down, then I think they're probably too old to awaken Five's serious protective instincts (which would be more likely to be engaged by children under 8 or so). I think he'd stay aloof from them for a while, getting to know them from the sidelines but still being kind and encouraging.

He'd be most likely to bond with them via teaching them things, seeing their intelligence and little personality traits that remind him of Klaus.

Hope this helps. Happy to consult on dialogue/whatever if you need it, just send me a DM.

[nehswritesstuffs]

How Dr. Hart-Steeler Saved the Logue Town Royal Revue

I literally had the idea for this in the shower during summer, so congrats.

9835 words; full disclaimer in that I’ve never watched a single drag competition, mostly because I don’t like reality/competition shows in general (except sports, and I wouldn’t say this is a sport while still acknowledging how Serious Business it can be), so please forgive me if something’s off or I did something weird like used your fave irl queen’s name or whatever bc I don’t even know how to cosmetics correctly let alone be this fabulous; tangibly related to Double Date from Hell (FFN/AO3), but I guess you don’t need to know much other than that Law and Nami are dating the same time as Cora-san and Bell-mère, to hilariously mortifying results; this took me so long to write partially due to Secondhand Mortification and a serious case of the Giggles or y’all would’ve had this back in, like, August lol; shout-out to Gen for suffering through me and this fic all these months, because ooohhhhh they be suffering

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Having never really considered himself weak in the ankles, Law was beginning to rethink his lifelong self-assessment as he slipped his feet into the absolutely terrifying shoes that had been shoved in his direction. With Nami on one side of him and Perona on the other, Law shakily attempted to stand, not enjoying the extra wobble he gained by simply standing still.

“What the fuck is wrong with you people,” he grumbled lowly. His girlfriend, however, scowled.

“You live in heels—I don’t want to hear it.”

“I wear boots, Nami-ya, not whatever torture devices these are.” He looked out over the rows of shoe racks and saw that the difference in height was… concerning. “Fucking hell—these have three extra inches than normal.”

“Well, yeah,” Perona scoffed. “You need to look your best, and they’re already doing wonders for your ass.” She hummed. “Well, what little you’ve got, anyhow.”

“Why are we even here?” Law groused. “Can’t I just order some online?”

“We are not,” Nami said, “because I am not going to have to deal with ordering shoes for your massive man-feet and then them not fitting properly. Turnaround is way too quick for us to need to worry about shipping.”

“I feel like a fool,” he grimaced as he continued to curse the integrity of his legs.

“We did not drive to the only shoe store in Greater Logue Town that carries wides in-stock for you to chicken out,” Perona scolded.

“I’m not chickening out,” he insisted sourly. “I just have way too much coordination to know first-hand why Cora-san practices walking in these things.”

“Well, you’re about to get a lot more familiar with them if we’re going to get you anywhere,” Nami said firmly. “Now go ahead and try to walk to that rack there.”

Two steps and Law went sideways into a shelving unit full of narrow-widths. Nami and Perona stared at one another—they had a lot more work ahead of them than they had feared.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

One month earlier…

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Pulling into the driveway, Law was glad to finally be home. He had been covering in Emergency for the past week, meaning that he was practically living between Logue Town General and Penguin and Shachi’s couch for exactly that same amount of time. Now all he wanted to do was relax, eat something, and fall face-first into his bed and not wake up until Nami came over in the morning. It was honestly all he could do to not head on over to 1000 Sunny Rd and fall asleep in her bed there instead, but knew that there wasn’t an amount of money in the world he’d accept to sleep in that house without her protecting him. He didn’t care what was going on—extremely loud sex could be happening right at that very moment and Law was certain that it wouldn’t even register with him.

…because, yeah, even though it was extremely weird and awkward that Cora-san and Bell-mère-ya were fucking, he wasn’t going to allow that possibility to deter him from sleeping in his own bed.

Instead, however, when Law entered the house, he heard the telltale click of heeled shoes against the kitchen tile. There were only two reasons as to why heels were in the kitchen, and since Nami’s scooter wasn’t parked outside…

“Practicing already?” he mumbled as he shuffled into the kitchen. A glance over at his foster father showed that, yes, the older man was in his highest pair of heels, looking ridiculous in his skinny-jeans and bedazzled mega-pumps.

“Hey, you know how long it takes me to get used to these,” Cora replied. He shakily took a mug of coffee from the counter to the table and sat down, breathing a sigh of relief. “Izou says this time is gonna be big.”

“It’s just the charity drag show,” Law noted. He shrugged off his jacket and began to root around in the fridge, wondering what had appeared in it while he’d been gone. “It’s the same thing every year: you and your friends dress as women and do skits and ticket sales go to whatever organization doesn’t hate you at the moment. What makes this year so special?”

“We’re expanding, for one,” Cora said. Law found some store-bought onigiri hiding in the fridge and put it on the table before grabbing himself coffee as well, his mug ceramic instead of Cora’s silicone. “This year we’re going to have not just Queens, but Kings and Enby Royalty as well. You’d know this if you attended the meetings.”

“I don’t need to attend committee planning meetings to know it sounds like the perfect thirst trap cocktail; Penguin and Shachi will be more conflicted than usual.”

“Belle’s participating.”

“Good for her.”

“So is Izou’s kid sister.”

“Isn’t being trans, but also a drag king, cheating according to some people?”

“She’s the one who demanded there be a non-aligned Royalty category, to alleviate that potential problem while still shaking things up,” Cora shrugged. “If Nami-chan didn’t already have your dick on lockdown, I’d say…” He stopped as Law gave him a deadpan stare. “What? She’s tall, she’s cute, she likes swords, she literally can’t be weirder than us…”

“This conversation is getting worse with each passing word that comes out of your mouth.”

“…andthewinnersoftheRevuearegoingonImpelDragRacenextseason.”

Maybe it was the exhaustion catching up to him, but Law stopped shoveling tuna salad into his onigiri and stared at Cora and the whiplash-inducing topic change. “Come again…?”

“The winners of each category are going to be featured on Impel next season!” Cora repeated, stars in his eyes. “A chance to meet Iva themself…!”

“You know, I can just haul you over to Strawhat-ya’s next weekend if that’s what you want to do.”

“Now that’s cheating,” Cora said decidedly. “I want to meet Ivankov on a professional level, not as ‘your godson considers my son one of his besties against his will’. It’s lame.”

“…and you were going to tell me all about this when…?”

“Eventually.”

“Eventually?”

“Eventually.”

Law took a deep swig from his coffee mug, glad he was long-past the point where caffeine wasn’t going to do jack fucking shit except paradoxically soothe his nerves. “I should plan to go camping that weekend.”

“You wouldn’t!” Law simply stared at him and bit into his onigiri, too tired to banter. “We’d be down four of our most long-term staff!”

“It’s bad enough that every year Penguin and Shachi are in a weird philosophical rut about ‘what even is gender and sexuality’ for three weeks after the show,” Law reasoned. “You might get them for a few hours but I have to deal with the lasting fallout.”

“Fallout that is worth it considering we get a handful of normies who are trained medical staff and willing to beat up troublemakers to defend our honor.”

“Mmhmm—you can defend your own honor just fine,” Law scoffed.

“Not in these shoes I can’t.” Okay, he had a point there. “Please, son… for me…?”

Law sighed, his tank well-past empty. A grown man and he was still trying the pity card from back when he was a teenager freshly rescued from both the system and his brother’s grasp…

…because of course he was going to help. It was on his calendar, wasn’t it? Law took another bite of onigiri and sighed through rice and tuna. Only Cora-san.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

It was a few days later in the house at 1000 Sunny Rd and Law knew he was in trouble. Although she did greet him with a kiss when he arrived, his girlfriend was pointedly ignoring him as the afternoon went on. It was unusual for Nami to act as such, and he simply let the situation stew as he got roped into her friends’ other antics. Zoro had even pulled him into a sparring match in the backyard, which was even more of a rarity.

“Do you know what I did?” he asked as they were cleaning up. The younger man shrugged.

“It’s hard telling with the witch,” Zoro scoffed. “I get in trouble with her by breathing, so who the fuck knows? All I do know is that she’s been spending more time here than usual, so it’s probably something to do with something not-here.”

“I’m sure we’ve dealt with worse,” Law replied, exhaling heavily. “I don’t know how any of you handle her platonically…”

“By reminding myself that she’s the one who fronts bail,” Zoro reminded him. Law nodded; good point. They threw the equipment into the shed and trudged back to the house, where a plate of onigiri each was waiting for them on the counter. “Ah, shit-cook, how did you know?”

“It’s called not wanting your miasma of body funk hanging around my kitchen any longer than it has to,” Sanji deadpanned. “Now scram, both of you, before I kick your skulls in. You can only come back after you’ve showered.”

“Shower Day isn’t until tomorrow,” Zoro reminded him. Sanji cringed and flipped him his middle finger—clearly he was far from the mood for pleasantries.

“That is nasty, I hope you know,” Law said. “As a medical professional I’ve got to side with him on this one.”

“People aren’t designed to wash that often,” Zoro grumbled. He took his onigiri with him as he retreated to his room, muttering the entire time about Sanji being things such as ‘prissy’ and ‘high-maintenance’. This left Law to his own devices in the unusually-quiet house; most of the regular crowd was either at work or off chasing after Luffy somewhere.

Sighing, Law decided to at least take advantage of the quiet and get some stuff done. He went into the office area with his onigiri and found where he had placed his work bag. Sitting down on the pleather couch (all the better to wipe his excess sweat off later), he opened his laptop and began reviewing patient charts. He had a ridiculous amount of procedures quickly approaching to accommodate his time off to help with the Revue and he wanted to make sure there were no surprises. About an hour had passed when Nami came into the room and staggered in shock at the smell.

“Fuck… you reek like Zoro,” she grimaced.

“We were working out together,” he explained. Law watched as she grabbed her own laptop and hesitated, staring at him. “Like what you see?”

“A bit annoyed at what I see,” she replied. “Your dad has my mom being weirder than usual.”

“It’s no different from cosplay,” he shrugged.

“Usopp cosplays. Bell-mère is stomping around the house acting like she drives an extended-cab-short-bed pickup truck.”

“That’s different from how she normally acts how…?” he asked. Nami folded her arms across her chest and scowled sourly at him. “Hey, I’m not the one who was raised by the woman.”

“True, but it doesn’t change the fact that her practicing her act is more than aggravating.” She frowned as he shrugged at that; it wasn’t his fault that their parents were the way they were. “It’s one thing having some of the goobers around here get into it, but Bell-mère is another.”

“…and you’re going to take it all out on me? I’m insulted, Nami-ya.”

“You don’t look much insulted.” She ran her eyes up and down her boyfriend, trying to calculate how long she could stay cross with him specifically before her libido gave way. “You’re allowed in my room, but only if it’s to go straight to the shower.”

“…and where might I be allowed after that?” he asked, already standing up and reaching for the sanitizing wipes on a nearby table.

“Bed, where we can finish our work,” she wiggled her laptop for emphasis, “and then we’ll talk.”

He shrugged and popped the canister open with his thumb; he’d take it. “I’ll see you up there.” He threw in a wink for good measure, only for her to roll her eyes in exasperation.

“It’s like I’m dating an old man,” she whined playfully before leaving. She knew full-well he’d only try to prove her wrong later for that comment. In fact, Nami would almost place money on it.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Later that night, as Law resisted going to clean up his condom in lieu of being too damn comfortable, he was alerted to the concept of something being wrong as Nami sighed heavily. He hugged her hips a bit tighter and nuzzled her chest, glad at least she hadn’t stopped carding through his hair.

“What’s the matter?” he wondered cautiously.

“Just… still thinking about Bell-mère,” she admitted. “She’s been really happy since she hooked up with Cora-san again.”

“I can almost guarantee that is reciprocated.” He felt the gentle scrape of her nails on his scalp and nearly melted. “You know… this drag thing… it’s pretty harmless…”

“Oh, I know that much,” she chuckled lowly. “It’s just going to be a pain in my ass, like everything about you weirdos.”

“I resent that.” He took a playful nip at her breast and let her roll them both over as she giggled. She then sat on his midsection, partially pinning him. “What? I thought this was a thing because I bring just as much braincells into this house as you do.”

“Doesn’t make you not a weirdo,” she smirked. She gently pressed her knees against his shoulders and hummed as his inked hands found her thighs. “Good thing I like weirdos so much.”

“Can I get that in writing?”

“It’s going to cost you.”

Something told Law that he was going to enjoy paying the price.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

It had already been a long day at Logue Town General when Law, Penguin, and Shachi took their lunch break. Bepo had lost the impromptu rock-paper-scissors competition, meaning the charge nurse was stuck back on the floor while the other three were jammed into their usual booth at Don Silver, the restaurant empty aside from a few other sets of scrubs and the occasional delivery courier.

“Cora-san wants me to remind the both of you that the charity show is coming up,” Law said. He was stretched out on his own side of the booth while the goobers sat on their own as they demolished the breadbasket. “He signed us all up again.”

“Should’ve known this was how our life was gonna be,” Penguin muttered through a mouthful of bread. Law raised an eyebrow and he shrugged. “The first time we were allowed over to your dad’s, he was literally practicing his routine.”

“Can you fault him for taking advantage of his semi-androgynous profile?”

“No, but I feel like we’ve worked every single one of these charity shows since we met him.”

“Not to mention the fact that we can’t even meet women at these places because something, something, something, no fraternizing with the customers for our own safety on orders of Cora-san,” Shachi mentioned. “Come on; this is, like, a complete drag. Figuratively. And literally. And several other qualifiers.”

“Besides, we show up with a literal bear; how can we compete with that?”

“That’s your problem, not mine.” Law eyed Gin as he came over with their respective meals—burgers for the techs, a shawarma wrap (no pickles) for the surgeon, and a giant plate full of fries—and put his legs down so the proprietor could slide into the booth next to him.

“So, I hear there’s a ripple in your old man’s charity show,” Gin grinned. It would have been menacing if it weren’t for the fact that Law could probably flip the guy over with one hand.

“Since when have you cared about my dad’s charity show aside from letting us put up a flyer for it?”

“Since it’s apparently a really big deal this year, but also will make Blackleg extremely uncomfortable if I show up.”

“If your place wasn’t so tasty and conveniently-located, I’d say you’re an ass for that comment and several others,” Shachi frowned around his burger. Gin shrugged.

“You know my beef now; like I give a shit.”

“You’re such a sore weirdo,” Penguin added. With his sight line towards the door, his eyebrows shot up and he kicked Law in the shin to get his attention as the other man was picking at the fries. “Look alive: Bepo’s about ready to have a crisis.”

“You people are going to be the death of me,” Law groaned. He heard the sleighbells on the door chime and before long Bepo was standing at the booth, looking indeed as though he was about to break into hysterical sobbing. “You know I have a pager and my cell phone, right?”

“I don’t think this is something that you want to hear over the phone,” Bepo said, wringing his paws. “I just got a call from Marco down in the ER, and… and…”

Shit—that wasn’t good. “…and…?”

“He says your dad’s being less dramatic than usual…?”

Panicking, Law pushed Gin out of the booth and ran out of the restaurant, glad that it was literally in the hospital’s shadow. He hurried past security and into Emergency, where he found one of the most horrifying sights possible:

Cora-san. Laid up in a hospital bed. While Marco instructed some sap doing clinicals on how to properly wrap a freshly-set broken leg in a cast.

Oh hell.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

It was two days after Cora-san had been released from the hospital and Law suddenly found that his father’s milquetoast cookie-cutter suburban house had suddenly become Drag Central earlier than normal. He didn’t mind his foster father’s friends from the drag circuit—in all honesty, they were some of the nicest people he’d ever known—but at the same time, there was way too much overreacting going on and he did not wake up with enough wherewithal, mana, or general patience that morning to deal with much more than the drama queen he actually lived with.

“There has to be something we can do,” Izou frowned as Law was bringing a tray full of drinks into the living room. It was only Izou, his younger sister Kiku, and Marco at that point; the three of them plus Cora-san were essentially the core of the planning committee and had shooed out the others by that point. “Our regulars are going to expect Rosi Thoughts—if she doesn’t show up, then it could be a disaster.”

“This one imagines there must be some sort of way to do a routine from a wheelchair,” Kiku said. She pondered the concept carefully. “The venue is handicap-accessible, after all…”

“Only for the patrons,” Izou noted. “You haven’t been behind stage yet, but the back wasn’t built with this sort of thing in mind. We’re just going to have to figure something else out.”

“I can do the routine in crutches,” Cora-san offered. He accepted his no-spill tumbler from his son and pouted. “I don’t want to let down any fans!”

“No,” Law said firmly. “Marco-ya showed me your break—it won’t be well enough for a walking cast by then.”

“Patient confidentiality!” Cora-san gasped, pointing at Law in horror.

“You’re my foster father, not my patient. Besides, it would be Marco-ya you’d have to point that finger at… if I wasn’t listed as your emergency contact, that is.”

“He’s got you there, yoi,” Marco chuckled. He was about to continue when the front doorbell cut him off. “Huh… I wonder if that’s Thatch coming back…”

“I got it; I got it…” Law grumbled. He went to the front door and opened it, only to be met by a person in a baby-pink suit, a bowlcut, and a trowel of makeup. “Auditions are closed; they’ll get back to you.”

“Where are they?!” The new person barged their way into the house, pushing past Law and not even caring that he was there. They caught sight of the group sitting around the living room and their face lit up. “Ah! Here must be the belles of the ball—Shenix Fyre, Ganmodokidoki, and…” their eyes landed on Cora-san, “Rosi Thoughts.”

“…and who the fuck are you?” Law asked. Another person came in, this one dressed in orange and white while looking decidedly feminine.

“My name is Inazuma, and this is Bon-chan,” she replied. “We’re here as representatives of Impel Drag Race. We have reason to believe that your production might be in jeopardy?”

“What ever gave you that idea?” Kiku giggled sweetly, trying to throw them off the scent. Bon-chan gestured at Cora-san’s leg with a flourish.

“We’re not here to call the show off, but we are here to inform you that you need to make sure the show goes on with the same amount of contestants,” Bon-chan replied importantly. “We are planning on doing an entire episode revolving around local and independent events like the Logue Town Royal Revue and to have anything less than the nine contestants we were promised is a breach of contract.”

“…but this isn’t someone dropping out because they’d rather go on vacation,” Izou frowned.

“Indeed, yoi,” Marco chimed in. “I work at a hospital—what if I came down with something two days before the show?”

“It doesn’t matter—it’s in the contract,” Inazuma replied. “We’re here as a courtesy to make sure you are aware of the stakes and know that it’s no offense and standard procedure. Iva wants to have a contestant from your revue, so they’re giving you a fighting chance.”

“The show is only a few weeks away,” Cora-san frowned. “We can’t just cook up a replacement that fast! Auditions were months ago! We’d have to contact everyone again!”

“Then you might have to go on an accidental breech of contract and try again next year,” Bon-chan said. “It would be your first infraction, so it’s not like it’s a weighted disqualifier…”

“I’ll do it.” The entire living room stared at Law and all the breath felt as though it left his lungs; fuck, he said it out loud. “I… I’ll take his place. Make it three in the category again.”

“…and you aaarrreee…?”

“Law, kiddo, you don’t have to…”

“I’m his kid—if I take his place in the show, will it still be a breech of contract?”

“No.” Bon-chan pursed their lips and looked Law over. “Ever perform?”

“No, but I’ve been helping out with the show since I was fifteen, and that has to count for something. If I win, then he gets to go on Impel.” He gestured at Cora-san, who was too choked up with tears to say anything. “Let me be a stand-in—it’ll work.”

“A child sacrificing for their parent in order to keep the show going… I love it!” Bon-chan squealed, mood shifting violently. They spun around, nearly knocking over drinks in the process. “We’ll let Iva know right away!”

“We’ll look forward from hearing from you soon,” Inazuma nodded. She deftly dodged Bon-chan as they somehow pirouetted out of the house, leaving the committee more startled than anything. They all turned towards Law, who went deathly pale as his brain caught up with him and the events of the past ten minutes actually sunk in.

Oh… oh no… what did he just do…?!

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Nami parked her scooter outside the well-kept inner-city apartment complex that served as Goober Central; for some reason she was summoned here and not her boyfriend’s dad’s place. Why, she had no idea, but she entertained it for the time being, since it was Bepo who called. She couldn’t say no to Bepo, not really. It was kind of like saying no to Chopper—it just wasn’t done.

Heading into the building and up the stairs, she went to the second-from-topmost floor and over to the door at the end of the corridor, it opening before she even had a chance to knock.

“Good, you came,” Penguin said. He looked out past Nami, attempting to see if she’d been followed. “No one else?”

“You said it was ‘of the utmost importance’ and that Law was ‘in danger’,” she deadpanned. “What sort of nonsense do you have him roped into this time?” Nami entered the apartment to find her boyfriend laying face-down on the living room floor, Bepo and Shachi attempting to coax him out of some sort of rut.

It was a damn good thing the sex was so good or this would be ridiculous.

“Alright, what’s going on that I have to fix?” she asked as she sat down on the couch. Law remained still, though she could feel him cringe at her voice. “I take it has to do with Cora-san, since we’re here and not at his place?”

“More than just Cora-san,” Shachi said gravely. Nami rolled her eyes.

“Well, since it doesn’t involve Bell-mère dropping out of the Revue, I don’t know what it could possibly be about.” She watched as Law shifted his head so that he was looking at her shoes.

“People from Impel came to warn the Revue’s organizers about a potential breech in contract with him switching to being a judge,” he grumbled.

“…and this has you laying on Penguin and Shachi’s un-vaccuumed carpet because…?”

“I volunteered.”

She blinked at that. “You volunteer every year…”

“No: I volunteered without thinking about the consequences.”

Oh.

“He might’ve well as called himself a sacrificial goat the way Cora-san told it over the phone,” Penguin said blithely. “Man’s fucked.”

“…and what does that have to do with me?” Nami asked. She knew, of course, but wanted to hear it from her boyfriend’s mouth.

“I need your help, Nami-ya,” he groaned. He shifted his head so that he could look up at her, all sad and pathetic and absolutely delightful. “I need help.”

She grinned at that and pulled her phone from her purse. “You’re going to need a lot more help than just me.”

“So… you’re not angry…?” Bepo wondered. Nami smirked as she fired off a couple texts.

-----

Shopping trip?

I got a project. You’re gonna love it.

-----

“Angry? I might just get some entertainment value out of this whole debacle yet.” Her phone chirped and Nami shifted her weight from one hip to the other as she snapped a photo of her puddle-boyfriend and sent it off. Less than ten seconds and she got a reply.

-----

Ooooh… finally accepting pointers?

-----

Not the kind you’re thinking. Still have those trial palettes from when you got the idiot those beauty boxes for the hair dye?

-----

Yes but…

…

…pick me up in hald an hour

*half

ykwim

-----

“We’re in luck,” Nami chuckled. “We’re going to be accompanied by an expert.”

Law wasn’t sure whether that made him feel better or worse.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Shopping with Nami and Perona had been an interesting experience, to say the least. Law had no idea who the cavalry was until they rolled up to the weird mansion that was in a densely wooded plot in the middle of what was otherwise zoned for commercial property. Haunted land bought cheap enough to afford the zoning board’s subsequent bribe, so the story went, and it honestly made sense given who lived there. When the distinctively large pink ringlets came bouncing out of the house and down the circular drive, it became apparent that he was going to be in for a time.

“It’s a good thing you got a hold of me,” Perona said importantly as she got into the back seat of Law’s car. “It’s bad enough your dad tapped the rest of Zozo’s weirdo friends to round out his revue, but this? This is a project I’m definitely interested in making happen.”

“Just tell me where we’re going,” Law grumbled.

“That depends on what your persona is going to be,” Nami said. Her boyfriend stared at her, seemingly confused. “What? You mean you don’t have a persona picked out?”

“I was thinking we could just get stuff for me to imitate Cora-san’s act…?”

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…” Nami tutted. “Rosi Thoughts might become a legacy character, but only after the original retires, not gets temporarily sidelined as one of the judges. We need a brand-new queen for this scene.”

“Why do you think I’m here?” Perona smirked. She looked smug as a fed cat in the rearview mirror. “We have to come up with something with glamour and pizzazz if you’re going to even have a shot.”

“I’m not glamour or pizzazz—I’m a disturbingly young surgeon who still lives with his foster father and has a bunch of weird friends who are way too cheerful and energetic and loud to be worth it if it weren’t for the crucial facts that A) they actually put up with me, and B) that’s how I met Nami.”

“How about we go with that?” Perona offered, refusing to unpack all that. “The surgeon thing.”

“Marco-ya is also a doctor and his thing is a pineapple-phoenix.”

“…and it’s not like we have a lot of time to develop a distinct act for you,” Nami reasoned. “Maybe if we had two months, but not under two weeks.”

“I draw the line at Halloween-store ‘sexy’ outfits,” he warned. “I don’t care what it costs me; I will leave you both behind.”

“Who do you think we are? Amateurs?” Perona gasped in false indignation. She leaned back into her seat and buckled up. “Just drive, loser. I’ll tell you when we need to make a turn.”

So he did, and Law was taken to all manner of stores in the hunt for supplies. Between his girlfriend and… their… mutual friend’s… sister (…? Their femme style consultant…? Nami’s torture expert…?) he had all sorts of things held to his face and body and even had to try on no less than ten pairs of hellish shoes. By the time they walked into the final store of the afternoon—the scrubs store—he was desperately thankful for the normalcy involved.

“Now this is more something I’m familiar with,” he breathed in relief. He took solace in the rows upon rows of women’s scrub tops that were no different in make and design than the men’s on the other side of the aisle. The only real differences were the patterns and how they were sized. “They probably shouldn’t be the same as what I wear at work, so it—”

“They need to be cute,” Perona insisted as she idly sorted through some patterned tops. “We’re already trying to negate the not-cute things about you, so we’re gonna need to try hard.”

He glared at her, suspicious. “What about me isn’t cute?”

“Those tattoos, that scowl, the fact you look like a scarecrow…”

“Izou-ya has a tattoo sleeve and Cora-san is even scarecrowier than me.”

“…and you’re still not cute!” Perona huffed. She flitted her way over towards some bat-print scrubs while leaving Law to sulk. Nami giggled quietly at the entire thing.

“What…?” he grumbled. “I bet you’re enjoying this.”

“I am, but not in the way you think.”

“I thought you enjoyed torturing me, Nami-ya.”

“What we do in the bedroom has nothing to do with it,” she smirked. His face went red at that—busted. “It’s just nice having a day like this, where I get to go around and dress you up.”

“…but Ghost-ya…”

“You know it has nothing to do with Perona, even if she is giving us a neat perspective.” He rolled his eyes and she playfully nudged him in the side. “What? She can sew and Usopp is too busy with helping both Sanji and Robin…”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he admitted quietly. “The guys just… they aren’t really equipped for this. Working the show, yeah, but…” He rubbed a piece of fabric between his fingers as his eyes lost focus. “Not just any girlfriend would call in the cavalry when she learns her boyfriend is taking his father’s place in a drag show.”

“When you put it like that, you’re absolutely correct,” she said. Nami popped up on her toes and kissed the corner of Law’s mouth. “Just be glad I’m not charging you for my time.”

“I know my payment is going to be how I least expect it,” he said. “You just have that way about you.”

“…and you know it,” she grinned. It made him feel a little better, admittedly, and he bent down to press a proper kiss to her lips. He was nearly there when they heard Perona clear her throat; she was holding up a tight-cut scrub top that was hot pink and decorated in black hearts.

Not just no, but fuck no.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

It was two days before showtime and everything was in a panic. Law was already off work, meaning he had been chasing Cora-san around the house all morning and afternoon as the taller man tried to wander around on his crutches doing things for the Revue. He eventually needed to threaten his foster father with packing everything up to go to Izou’s tiny apartment in Logue Town-proper. Since they all had sworn that they’d never do that again as long as Cora-san still had his house, the man sulked on the couch with his leg propped up all until Marco left carrying the last tote of decorations. Law helped his coworker out to the car and swore to be at the venue the following day to help unpack, retreating back into the house once the vehicle revved up. He couldn’t help but let out a little laugh as he saw Cora-san pouting right where he left him.

“Your face will stick like that if it’s not careful,” he teased as he closed the blinds.

“It won’t.”

“You’re not going to listen to a medical professional?”

“Sometimes they’re wrong.” Law looked at his foster father and sighed, already regretting what he was about to offer.

“I’ll get together some snacks and maybe you can watch me figure out my makeup?”

“I’ll do it, but I’m still angry with you,” Cora-san grumbled. Well, it was progress. Law helped him to his feet and went to the kitchen while his dad attempted to navigate the stairs with crutches. By the time he brought the tray of tea and sandwiches up to his room, it looked like Cora-san was already nursing two extra bumps to his head and elbows. “The turn in the hallway moved.”

“Mmhmm… now you sound like Roronoa-ya,” Law hummed. He balanced the tray on a stack of boxes and handed Cora-san his tea before filling his own Sora, Warrior of the Sea mug. “So what do you think of the palettes Ghost-ya and Nami-ya got?”

“I think I like this one best,” Cora-san said, handing his son one of the makeup palettes that was sitting on the bed. “Brings out your eyes, I think.”

“Thanks.” Law sat down at the vanity mirror and turned on the lights, preparing to put on more cosmetics than he’d ever had on in his life.

“Can I ask why your cute girlfriend isn’t helping you with this?”

“She’s helping Ghost-ya with my outfit—wants the final product to be a surprise,” he admitted. Law dug through the debris that was littering the vanity and found his old foundation, shaking the bottle well before opening it back up. “Shachi showed her pics of me as a teenager already—she knows I’m not helpless.”

“You were really cute then,” Cora-san recalled. “Do you remember why you had me teach you?”

“…to hide my Amber Lead spots.”

“No… it was because you wanted to have the coolest Halloween costume in your new school. Hiding the spots was only a bonus.” He watched the younger man put on concealer and foundation, layering slightly thicker than he normally would. Blush came next and Law glared at his reflection.

“I feel ridiculous,” he seethed.

“For lack of a more… dignified term, we’re essentially a modern variation on clowns,” Cora-san offered. “Feeling ridiculous is baked in—it’s just all about how comfortable you feel while ridiculous is the thing.”

“…but I have never worn makeup like this.”

“No, you haven’t.” The older man chuckled quietly as he watched Law put on eyeshadow up to his eyebrow, scowling at his own efforts. “You know… I’m very proud of you for doing this. I know it’s well out of your comfort zone.”

“You’ve done similar for me, and would do it again.”

“That’s… that’s not the point.” He placed a hand on Law’s shoulder, the younger man stopping to turn and look at him directly. “You barely wanted anything to do with this when we first moved here.”

“I was a young teenager who had just gone through hell; I didn’t want anything to do with anyone.”

“…and now you’re here, doing this, while your cute young girlfriend helps get your costume together. I never thought we’d get anywhere near this.”

“Don’t get too sappy on me or my makeup will run and then I’ll have to start from scratch,” Law warned. There was no venom in his voice, simply experience. “Now, what do you think I should do with my eyelashes? You aren’t going to get out of this easy, Rosi.”

…and oh, ideas were had.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

It was finally Revue Day.

Despite the fact the show was going to be at seven in the evening, Law pulled up to the back door of the venue just before eleven in the morning, car full of the last bits of costuming, decorations, prepwork, and Cora-san. Penguin and Shachi were already there, very clearly faking a smoke break as they leaned up against the wall of the building.

“Who all is here?” Law asked, rolling down his window. Penguin shrugged.

“Some of Pops’s gang was already here with Marco when we showed up,” he said. “If Izou and Kiku are here they just came in through the front door, Straw Hat’s crew beat us all here…”

“…even the kid; he’s doing homework at the bar,” Shachi interrupted. “Marco’s about ready to kidnap and adopt him.”

“A common sentiment,” Law nodded.

“…yeah, and, at least most of the contestants are here,” Penguin finished. He took his unlit cigarette and handed it to Shachi, who put them back in the pack and pocketed them. “I think all we’re really missing is the two of you, the Drag Sibs, two other contestants, and Bepo, but the buses are running late due to that festival in Shells District.”

“That’s probably what’s keeping Kiku,” Cora-san said, leaning towards Law’s window. “Izou got his motorcycle fixed, so if anything’s keeping him it’s traffic.”

“Try telling that to Pops’s gang,” Shachi droned, rolling his eyes.

“Alright,” Law put the Polar Tang in park and killed the engine, “I’m gonna get Cora-san in while you two start unloading. It’s all the usual stuff from the house, so nothing too weird.”

“Weird today is a bare-faced businessman in a cheap suit,” Penguin quipped. Law pretended to not hear that and popped the trunk before getting out of the car and grabbing Cora-san’s crutches so the older man could attempt to support himself while he got the costuming supplies.

“Boys, Law is bullying me,” Cora-san whined.

“You don’t even know the definition of bullying, you wet cat of a man,” Law sniped. There was no venom in his voice, however, as it technically fell under the auspices of pre-show banter.He heard twin engines and sure enough: Bepo and his moped and Izou and his pristine vintage Shandoran motorcycle came into the alleyway. “About damn time.”

“Sorry I’m late!” Bepo cried. He and Izou parked their rides in the same space, looking nearly comical next to one another. “Had to pick up batteries on the way and the line took forever.”

“You know we have batteries here,” Law replied. “Marco-ya alone should probably switch to a twelve-volt.”

“Yeah, I know, but I still feel weird taking them,” the bear frowned. He adjusted his backpack full of photography equipment before offering a paw to Cora-san as the man wobbled dangerously on the edge of a pothole more a crater of rubble than anything. “How are you feeling today, Cora-san? Have you been keeping your leg elevated at home?”

“As much as I can,” he replied, with Bepo seeing right through the lie. Law stood next to the car as Penguin and Shachi quickly ran some stuff in, with the pair coming out so they could all grab the last of the stuff together.

“If it’s any consolation, Sanji’s set himself up in the kitchen and has been cooking and baking since five so we can all stay fed with his cooking specifically while he’s competing,” Shachi offered. Law raised his eyebrow at that.

“How’d he get in at five?”

“That’s for Straw Hat to explain, not us,” Penguin scoffed. He stuck his foot into the ajar door and swung it open, careful to not disturb the piece of concrete that was serving as a stopper. “It’s best not to think about it, right?”

“Yeah, true.”

Once Law got into the building he knew it was going to be a much more exhausting time than the year prior. He could smell Sanji’s cooking in the air, which was all sorts of heavenly that they were going to need to filter out before the doors opened at six. Marco and Izou’s extended friend circle all seemed boisterous as ever, the Straw Hats and their crew mixing together well. Even the ones who Law had only seen in passing due to the auditions and last-minute materials pickup were having a great time as they helped set up, with both Luffy and Ace latching themselves onto the two non-Kiku Royalty contestants.

“Oh, it’s Torao!” Luffy gasped as he saw him put down a box. He bounded over, a young rose-haired man in-tow. “Torao, this is Koby!”

“I know… he’s been at my house.” He then turned to the newcomer, who seemed quite nervous. “He’s not giving you a hard time, is he?”

“Luffy-san’s really nice… I don’t mind…”

“Yeah! Koby and Yama-bro are our friends now!” Luffy gestured back to Ace and the other non-Kiku Royalty contestant, both of whom were laughing at something Thatch said. “They’re both gonna come over to the house next weekend! Won’t that be fun?”

“It will be if you don’t scare them off first.” Law looked and saw Nami frowning as she went up to them. Luffy took that as his cue to bring Koby over to the snack table, where Sanji was setting up a new round of food. “I swear, if he keeps this up, he’s going to adopt the poor guy into the group against his will.”

“Strawhat-ya wouldn’t do that,” Law chuckled. He leaned down and pecked a kiss to Nami’s lips in greeting. “Please tell me you remembered my costume.”

“I didn’t, mostly because Perona did,” she replied. He raised an eyebrow. “She was the one who decided to do some down-to-the-wire adjustments. All I did was approve them.”

“Then let me drop off Cora-san’s stuff in his dressing room and we’ll do the grand reveal,” he said. She agreed and helped take everything labeled “Rosi Thoughts” to the closet-sized space that its occupant had not yet gotten to, getting distracted by the spread to rival any professional craft services team.

“Alright,” Nami said as they stopped outside the door with Law’s name taped to it (permanent marker on copy paper; very professional), “close your eyes.”

“Nami…”

“Humor us, alright?”

“Fine…” he groaned. He closed his eyes and held out his hands, which she took in both of hers. “Better?”

“Much.” She opened the door and led him in, Perona’s giggles of glee preceding her. “Okay, you ready?”

“Does it matter?”

“Not much, no,” Perona replied. “Go ahead. Open.”

Law opened his eyes and almost gasped when he saw what was sitting on the costuming dummy. It was a sparkling disaster, with the bright yellow scrub set having been taken in to better contour to his body and blue rhinestones outlining where his chest tattoo sat. There were no sleeves and barely anything left of the pant legs, a bright blue feather boa stethoscope, and his eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to the heeled shoes on the vanity counter, which were so thoroughly covered in their own rhinestones that he couldn’t even tell they had been brown.

“Well, yeah,” Perona said. She turned the dummy around to show that there were more rhinestones to mimic his back tattoo, as well as have two hearts styled like the ones on his shoulders sitting on the ass. “I think it’s going to be stunning. You couldn’t be cuter.”

“…but you hate yellow.”

“I hate what yellow does to my complexion,” she scoffed, swatting the words away with a limp wrist. “It looks fine on you.”

“You two are both enjoying this way too much,” he groaned. A glance over at Nami’s beaming expression confirmed his suspicions—he was going to pay for this, and it wasn’t just going to be letting his girlfriend sit on his face. “Where’s my makeup bag?”

“Oh, shit, I left it at Cora-san’s dressing room…”

“…then I’ll get it,” he insisted, glad for an excuse to escape. Law did not move quickly as he walked down the narrow corridor towards Cora-san’s room, wondering how the community theater company’s kitchily-large costumes ever tolerated such a narrow walkway.

He only had the door open for two seconds before he saw that the tiny room was decidedly occupado with Cora-san and Bell-mère, the latter with her shirt off in the process of stripping them both for an activity they really should have locked the door for; crutches had been hastily abandoned and the noises coming out of the injured man were fucking indecent.

Law shut the door as quickly and quietly as he could, face beet red, and decided to see what sort of snacks Sanji had put out. The makeup bag could wait.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

“Alright, everyone!” Penguin called out as he meandered down the corridor. “Emcees are on in five! Glam it up! Last call!” He stopped in front of Law’s room and knocked softly. “Captain? You alright in there?”

“I am going to die,” Law announced from behind the wooden barrier.

“No he’s not!” Perona’s voice insisted. She popped her head out and scowled at Penguin. “He’s just being difficult.”

“Who’s being difficult?” Shachi asked as he appeared around the corner. Perona opened the door and stepped out in order to present her project.

If it wasn’t for the fact they knew it was Law who was getting roped into things, they almost would not have recognized him. Heels and fishnets, well-hidden padding in the chest and rear, a short-cut wig with face-framing bangs, and expert makeup that covered all his tattoos except his shoulders and contoured his face into something leagues more feminine… he was honestly drop-dead gorgeous.

“I thought you were going with more… erm… traditional makeup for the occasion,” Shachi noted. Law simply seethed.

“That apparently was not part of the plan,” he hissed. Ah, shit, his goatee and sideburns were gone. Nami and Perona, however, were ignoring the exchange.

“I think he’s ready,” Nami said, nodding sagely.

“Yes,” Perona agreed. “She is ready to take her place as the Queen of Queens.”

“You know that’s Strawhat-ya’s auncle,” Law replied. He wobbled slightly as he realized that Bepo had appeared behind Penguin and Shachi, snapping a pic with his DSLR before he even had a chance to react. “I said: minimal pictures!”

“You look great, Captain!” the bear beamed. “You better get to your station! The show’s about to start!”

“Good luck,” Nami smiled sweetly, kissing Law on his left shoulder, right over the exposed tattoo she knew would not smudge. “I’ll be helping Zoro contain Luffy. You know who my votes are behind.”

“Oh, is it me, dearest Nami-swan~?!” Both Nami and Law glanced over to see Sanji nearly pirouette out of his dressing room as he saw them. ‘Never took ballet’ his ass—the surgeon could almost bet his tucked balls on Sanji having had a secret life where he had done all the stereotypical rich kid bullshit like ballet and fencing and had been good at them.

“My cheers belong to my beau,” she teased. He picked up her hand and delicately kissed the back of it, which Law found fairly ridiculous in his garish makeup and skirted chef’s outfit.

“Then I shall promise a dessert for tomorrow evening guaranteed to be a petite mort?”

“Stop trying to seduce my girlfriend, Kitchin Bitchen,” Law growled. Sanji glared at him, which he returned, only for Nami to groan and punch them both in an arm.

“Ladies, you’re both pretty,” she insisted. “Now get going!” She smacked them both on the ass and left, Law taking it more as the sort of smack a sports coach would give, while Sanji threatened to bleed out of his nose.

“I am not performing emergency medical procedures on perverts tonight, so be careful,” Law warned as they joined the other contestants in the staging area just out of view of the audience. He blanched when he realized that a very crucial part of the whole show was missing. “Where’s Cora-san?”

“Usopp took him around the back to get to the judges’ booth,” Bell-mère said. Fuck, she looked like some washed-up trucker whose long-hauler broke down on the outskirts of Greater Logue Town and hoofed it the entire way there instead. “He’ll be seen, don’t worry.”

“Think about it,” Izou said, doing one final check of his hair before taking a microphone from Thatch. “Are we going to let him out of our sight with crutches if there’s a chance he can ruin the coat that took me murdering how many feather boas because he can’t be trusted with needles?”

Unable to refute that logic, Law shrugged and watched as Izou and Marco looked at one another, took a deep breath, and slap-slap-slap-slap-slapped their hands together in a quick secret handshake of brotherhood (or in this case, sisterhood) before they stepped out onto the main of the stage, the spotlights quickly finding them.

“Hello and welcome to the Annual Logue Town Royal Revue! Can I get a ‘yoi’?”

“YOI!” the crowd shouted back.

“Excellent! You all know me, yoi. I’m Shenix Fyre, and this is my sister-in-heels Ganmodokidoki. We’re your mistresses of ceremony for the night, where we’ve got a stunning display for everyone!”

“That’s right!” Izou grinned. “Our most steady crowd will know most years it’s just us and our sister Rosi Thoughts on the stage, cracking jokes and being our silly selves, but tonight we’ve got a special treat for you all!”

“That’s double-right!” Marco shifted so that his feathered wings shimmered in the lights, showing off the glitter and beadwork better than just the internal string lights could afford. “We have a brand-new, high-stakes format with a cast full of fresh meat for us to devour tonight!” The crowd cheered. “Now, is everyone ready for a transcendent time?!”

The crowd clapped and cheered; it was always a corny line, but Law found it somehow worse this year. He had to hand it to them—they really knew how to fire up and engage the crowd.

“Then let’s get started,” Izou said, “and begin introducing the fine and fabulous who are going to make up the teams! Each team gets a member of Enby Royalty, a King, and a Queen, who all have to cooperate in order to complete our grueling tasks!”

“First up in Royalty, we have Rose Marina, yoi!”

Shakily, Koby hobbled out onto the stage, almost tripping on himself; Killer scoffed at the sight.

“Poor lad’s about to piss himself,” he grunted.

“Well, yeah,” Bell-mère replied. “I don’t think he’s been even exposed to this before and now he’s in it.”

“Meeker than a wee lamb, that one.”

“Let’s give it up for Snowy Mum!”

“Now you’re just being mean,” Robin smirked, edging herself over towards the next spot. “Don’t let Luffy hear you say that about his new friend.”

“Tch…” Killer shrugged and tried to drop it.

“…and give a hand to our final member of Royalty, Kozuki Oden!”

“Is it usually this tedious?” Sanji asked. He was bouncing his leg and fidgeting. “I don’t think I’ve ever needed a smoke break more.”

“Give it a moment and you can run out the back for a hit,” Law deadpanned.

“Now to start off the Kings, yoi! Here we have Devil Ray!”

“Life really turned to shit when you stopped being able to smoke inside.”

“Bell-mère-ya, that’s a lie and you know it.”

“Eh; what are you gonna do about it, kid?”

“Time to meet Smartea Pants!”

“Flex my medical degree at you?”

“You’re a cardiothoratic surgeon on the best of days—you couldn’t tell me shit about anything else.”

“…and here he is, the Beast of the East!”

“See you out there, kids,” Bell-mère chuckled before she walked out under the lights of the stage.

“God, I hate this already,” Law groaned.

“There is no God here,” Killer stated. Law opened his mouth to explain it was just an expression and there was no reason to be a dick about it when Marco’s voice cut him off.

“Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for, yoi! Here are this years Queens!” He paused to let the crowd applaud—they knew what they were here to see. “First up is Killer Queen!” Killer sauntered onto the stage and ate up the applause and cheers, some of the loudest coming from the man’s personal cheering section.

“If there is a God,” Law sighed, “then he’s making sure those two fuck.” He pointed out the punk with cherry-red hair and a prosthetic arm.

“Mmm… who knows,” Sanji shrugged. “I know I don’t want to.”

“Here’s a special gal who will cure what ails you, Dr. Hart-Steeler!”

“You’re up.” Law felt Sanji’s hands on his back and the younger man push him our towards the stage. The whole crowd clapped as he found himself under hot lights. He smiled awkwardly and quickly searched the crowd, finding not only where the Impel representatives were, but also where Nami-ya was with the rest of the non-participating Straw Hats. Law was so concentrated on his girlfriend, however, that he let the heel of his shoe slip and he rolled his ankle, landing hard on the worn lacquered wood of the stage floor to a round of gasps and one fairly annoying “faffaffaffa”.

Oh, they were off to a great start.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

It was two days since the Revue and Law was laying on a couch in Luffy’s sus-as-fuck party house at 1000 Sunny Rd, his feet propped up on the far armrest and his head in Nami’s lap as she idly carded through his hair. Her weather data-crunching laptop was balanced on the other armrest as she used it one-handed, not wanting to stop touching her boyfriend’s fluffy hair.

“How are your feet feeling?” she asked. He grunted in response, leaning into her touch.

“Better,” he admitted. “Ankles not nearly as sore either.” His eyes were closed as he simply enjoyed her touch and company. “I do still think I bruised my hipbone.”

“Did you now?” she wondered idly. “I guess this means that it might need some attention later…?”

“Possibly,” he smirked. “You’ll have to check for signs of contusions.”

“Hey, time to play doctor later,” Zoro warned as he walked into the room. He had his reading glasses on as he squinted at a newspaper—the Foosha Free Press—sourly. “It looks like they even did an article about you all the way out here in the fucking sticks.”

“They did not need to do an article about any of us out this way,” Law said, hoping the glare he was giving would help Zoro take a fucking hint.

It didn’t.

“I guess the editor is an old friend of your dad’s or something,” Zoro replied nonchalantly.

“Between your adoptive pain in the ass and mine, who don’t they know?”

“Boys, you’re both stupid, now what does it say?” Nami frowned. Zoro adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat before peering down at the paper, attempting to find where he’d left off. When it took him too long to find his spot, Nami tore the paper from his hands. “Silly me thinking you could read.”

“Witch! Can to!”

“Mmm… sure.” Nami opened up the paper and found the article Zoro had been hunting for almost immediately. “Huh. ‘The Logue Town Royal Revue, always a show that surprises and entertains, mixed things up to the extreme with their all-new drag show in their attempt to woo support from Impel Drag Race. With the goal of raising money for charity, it felt as though this year one got a lot more for their ticket price. Was it a change in budget? The novelty of new contestants? No one can say for certain.’ At least it seems like they really liked you.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Law whined. Nami grinned wickedly at that, knowing precisely what to do.

“‘The Revue,’” she continued reading, “‘was emceed by the two show founders, with their longtime third helping them with the judging portion. Anyone who knew of Shenix Fyre, Ganmodokidoki, and Rosi Thoughts’s prior acts came in with expectations that were delivered on. They were able to handle a rowdier-than-usual crowd that was there to support the fresh performers.’”

“Oh, get to the good shit already,” Zoro whined. Both he and Nami tried to not snicker as they watch Law curl up and try to hide his face in his girlfriend’s lap—no sale.

“Let’s see… blah, blah, ‘Royalty was a unique model the contestants brought to life’, blah, blah, blah… oh, good, nothing about Bell-mère. I was worried about that. It’s all about the one we didn’t know. Devil Ray…” Her eyebrows raised in amusement as she continued. “‘…but the true crowd pleasers were the Queens, especially Dr. Hart-Steeler, whose klutzy act reminiscent of her mother Rosi Thoughts endeared her to myself and the entire crowd.’ Law! They loved you!”

“…no…” he whimpered.

“Who knew your old man surgeon was sexy enough for that,” Zoro laughed. Nami silently dared him to try harder. “At least you know you can go back if you want to do it again.”

“Maybe if Cora-san had gotten into stunt kites… or maybe historical reenactments…”

“See?” Zoro pointed at Law haughtily. “Old man. He’s so old he doesn’t even have an ass.”

“Be nice; his ass suits my needs.”

“Nami, his ass needs implants it’s so flat.”

“Can you please not talk about my ass?”

“Mmm… too bad,” Nami hummed. She skritched his scalp with her nails and smiled at the photo included with the article: Dr. Hart-Steeler making an unintended dive towards Inazuma’s chest, limbs flailing and expression one of pure panic.

She was going to take what she could get.

[yostresswritinggirl]

Unspoken angst is Hu Tao’s reaction to the rising costs of Zhongli’s spending habits as he guides and supports Scara and puppet reader. He finds their interactions to be endearing. Childe would be a hilarious addition to the mora woes.

SPEAKING OF DANGEROUS PLANTS AND FAUNA! Have you heard of the nipple fruit? Apparently it’s poisonous. (From what I know, bleeding mushrooms are safe to touch.)

Scara sends Nahida and Traveler postcards of his travels with puppet reader and it’s like… a honeymoon to me. Lantern rite date! And in a quiet spot under the lanterns, they hug and watch. Scara and puppet reader might as well settle with the Aranara eventually.

Modern au when Scara drives, he got one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding puppet reader’s hand and occasionally he kisses their knuckles during the drive. Is it dangerous? I mean yea. It is still cute? Also yea.

I think Dain’s perspective on Scara and puppet reader would be interesting. But I just wanna see more Dain, lol.

Nilou didn’t come home either so I am very sad. Tighnari and Nilou when????? Also, I tend to get my ideas the second I walk into the kitchen so that’s probably why I gravitate towards food ideas. Maybe it’s because my attention span jumps from this to that frequently. I’ve been thinking about bedroom layouts and mattress size. Who is the one who uses organizer bins in the house? Who goes with the Marie Kondo way of organization? What do their aprons look like???? Does Tighnari help tie Cyno’s hair back when he forgets to???? (Yes.) Scara and puppet reader hold hands when they go to bed. Scara sparkling when happy because of puppet reader. Ah. It’s amore.

Bloom anon

*searching nipple fruit* oh wow, wait, people grow these for decorations?! That's fucked up, I wouldn't trust myself with that

Don't worry Hu Tao, sooner or later Scaramouche would feel annoyed and think Zhongli is showing off or belittling their reserves, and show off the good ol Fatui salary™ Also don't ever ever mention Childe or even bring him when they're there because hell WILL break loose

Omayghad IT IS A HONEYMOON HAHAHAHA I can't fuckin believe these two, or actually it's probably because of them being puppets so they're neurotic as hell "hey we just wrecked havoc across Teyvat with our terrible life decisions and almost ruined Sumeru but we're cool now and want to go on vacation, see ya" and yes, I think after their honeymoon phase, they end up settling in the forest with the Aranaras cottagecore style

Nahida doesn't mind, honestly she'll visit a lot even, they're all immortal friends so even better. But the funniest imagine I could think of would be Traveler traveling to a new region either Natlan or Fontaine fighting gods and shit, and while running away from authorities, they meet eyes with Scaramouche and puppet Reader who were in the middle of eating on an outside table like 🧍🧍 🏃

Bonus: they don't do anything to help because they don't want to be dragged into whatever archon shit they're dealing with. More bonus: they have the audacity to send the Traveler another post card in that same region, "that restaurant had the best dessert, you should try it once you're not a fugitive anymore"

Dain's narrative would certainly be melancholic since he's reminded of his adventures with the twin. 'Such divine beings tossed away and broken by the reality of the living world, the only ones who can truly understand how their mind works and how they view the world are each other. If gods can roam Teyvat as mortals, then they deserve this period of their life more than anything else.'

Bloom anon, the master of domestic fluff is now your official title, turning even the most painful fic into a wholesome sequel

[bellascarousel]

20 Questions for Fic Writers!

Tagged by faves @harnitbee and @stars-of-kyber ❤️❤️❤️

1- How many works do you have on AO3?

54 all total

2- What's your total AO3 word count?

611,647 Wow!

3- What fandoms do you write for?

Bridgerton currently. I used to write for The Originals, but Kate and Anthony have taken over my entire brain.

4- What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1.) Let's Run Away Together - 1442

2.) Ruined - 1061

3.) Closure - 448

4.) Don't Leave - 396

5.) Kathony Advent Calendar 2022 - 379

5- Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I generally do. I love when people have nice things to say about my writing, and I want to acknowledge them and thank them. Yes, my responses can feel repetitive to me - it feels so weird and insincere to write "thank you for reading and commenting" at the end of every reply, but I want to thank them, even if I am bad at it. LOL That said, sometimes comments get lost in the shuffle. So, if I don't reply to your comment, it's not that I don't appreciate it. It's most likely because I originally read it in my email when I wasn't in a position to be able to go to reply to it and then my ADD brain promptly forgot either that it exists at all, or that I didn't reply to it.

6- What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

While I do write angst, everything I write has a happy ending. That said, the planned ending to In This Life Or The Next would probably have been the angstiest if I hadn't switched fandoms before I could finish it. While everyone DOES end up together and happy - they do so in the afterlife. It was literally going to end on a "rocks fall, everyone dies" scenario that would include things like a guy being forced to kill his little sister, and one guy that they weren't even sure COULD die and were kind of worried would spend Eternity completely alone in a fucking void where the planet used to be.

7- What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Like I said, everything I write has a happy ending. But, I think my happiest ending might actually be Measuring Time. It ends with little Mary's wedding and then an epilogue-like paragraph about Anthony watching his grandchildren grow up and start giving him great-grandchildren. I really liked getting to see even a small glimpse of the long, happy life him and Kate enjoy together - and how hopelessly in love they still are even at the end.

8- Do you get hate on fics?

I had one reader go on diatribes and get into arguments with other readers about my characterization of Edwina in the first two chapters of Let's Run Away Together. Which was hilarious, because she wasn't even IN the first two chapters. Dude was complaining about things Kate and Anthony said. It was a whole big thing. The comments are still there, so go read them if you want. The whole thing is actually kind of funny, really.

9- Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. Umm... not sure what you mean by "what kind"? I've done pretty much everything from pretty explicit to fade to black. It always depends on the situation and how much the sex serves the plot and/or characterizations.

10- Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I started one crossover. Between The Originals and The Black Jewels Trilogy. I only wrote one chapter, but had a whole lot planned out. Writing The Sadiablos interacting with the Mikaelsons was oddly fun.

11- Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of.

12- Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I am aware of 🙂.

13- Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. Not really something I'm interested in, either. My hat's off to anyone that CAN work with a cowriter. I can barely get my brain to cooperate with ITSELF, much less someone else.

14- What's your all-time favourite ship?

Kathony, obviously. Though, also obviously, Haylijah are a close second.

15- What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I still have plans to finish all of my Kathony fics. My The Originals fics, though... I would LOVE to finish those but I just don't see it happening. (Love Heals and High School Confidential are the top of my list of fics I wish I could get myself to concentrate on, but doubt I ever will.)

16- What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and characterization

17- What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions. Everything from the characters, to the settings, to actions. I am just bad at descriptions. And consistency. I want to try to get into a writing habit, but my ADD brain hates me.

18- Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I would do it if I trusted myself to do it right. But, unfortunately, I do NOT trust myself to write in Kate's native language. Maybe I'll have Hyacinth spout something off in Italian at some point, LOL. (I DO write occasional dialogue in Italian in my novel, because of Catie being a native Italian, and Eli also speaking the language.)

19- First fandom you wrote for?

Actually physically wrote down? The Originals.

Created in my head, never saw paper, but could probably be recreated if I ever felt the urge to? The Incarnation Of Immortality

20- Favorite fic you've written?

This is like asking me to choose my favorite child. I can't do it.

I suck at tagging games. So, just tagging anyone who hasn't done it and wants to.

[mamamittens]

While I'm waiting for that platonic yandere poll to pan out, I just want to say that it's hilarious how little I have to stretch to get the Whitebeard Pirates to be yanderes.

The literal first thing they do is pick Ace up by the scruff and just go "New son!" Until Ace stops biting and joins. And if that isn't some sketch shit lmao

Of course, it's fuzzed out with layers of daddy issues, self loathing, and discussions about what it means to be family but still...

Kinda makes it challenging to turn them into overt yanderes because the impulse is just to have their canon personas be the base rather than the mask as most other series have it. All those good intentions have a more sincere edge whereas good yanderes are horrific and scary as hell with very little good intentions for their victim.

You actually kind of believe they mean the best and are convinced that whatever fucked shit they're doing is right. Or at least that they believe that wholeheartedly.

Like, Marco is pretty chill. He's relaxed over the years but doesn't mind a challenge so him as a yandere is willing to play the long con. He gets that honey works better than vinegar and what better way to keep you than ensuring you never think you have to leave? I don't see him as physically violent, especially not in any permanent way cause it'd remind him that he can't heal everything. But certainly not afraid to knock you on your ass. Indulgent but never far. You likely wouldn't realize anything was wrong--which is exactly how he likes it. You, never afraid to be at his side and uninterested in leaving for any reason.

Whitebeard wants to see you grow as a person, so he's not liable to lock you in a room forever. And while he isn't afraid to match your violence he doesn't want you to be severely injured either. He believes in character growth through some (carefully watched) trails. But more than anything he wants you to depend on him for guidance and safety. If the world ever gets too much, he wants your first instinct to be running back to him. Preferably quickly because you didn't go far to begin with.

Ace is probably the most unhinged about it but he mostly gets by with unending support and charm. He only really raises his hand in training, wanting you to be strong enough he won't worry--which is never btw--otherwise he's eager to soak up all your attention. To say he doesn't like sharing is an understatement. And he would never lock you away forever... But on a short term basis for safety or a lesson? Absolutely. Does not like you leaving his sight. At all.

And for the last WBP I'm familiar enough with to declare traits, Thatch. A lot like Marco but more charm and less patience. Not as happy to do a long con but skilled enough with people he doesn't usually need to. You'll be besties in no time with no idea how closely you're being watched. Prepare for unusually healthy food and portions with dessert waived unless you eat all of it. Slightly more mother hen as well but passes it off as his profession. Any issue you have, he wants you to go to him for. Yeah. All of them. And you likely won't even notice how dependent you are. Even your suspicion or concern for any slips in his mask you end up telling him and he flawlessly distracts you from them until you just... Stop questioning him. Not because he knows everything but because he's just looking out for you... Don't think too hard about how regular your sleep schedule has gotten despite your best efforts. Thatch will just say it's a combination of good diet and great company.

Honestly, that's not even super stretching canon. I know shonen tends to be a bit... Closer to yandere level attachment than reality but this show makes it laughably easy.

[somnolent-scout]

Alright well this is technically my safe space to talk

Today I finally came to a decision on how I should treat Joey in the future when we inevitably bring Meet the Mercs to Phoenix. I was worried about whether or not I should deny him entry because of what he did to me. I have been pondering this for the past few days, wondering if maybe I should let him attend the event or if I should tell our crew to not let him in. He was my abuser, and from what I've seen so far.. he hasn't really changed much.

Talking to him on a consistent basis through the AZ Badlands discord server has been an uncomfortable, but valuable experience. I treat him as if I never even knew him before. I don't acknowledge him as much as I do with others. I talk about my events and my work, sharing pictures and videos. He has been very salty about the fact that I'm working with the voice actors and spending time with them outside of conventions. He doesn't say anything directly, instead just ranting indirectly about me on his Instagram. It's hilarious, but also becoming very uncomfortable to witness. I know it's about me. It sucks that I can't say anything because then that would give him the attention he probably wants.

This whole time, I had been thinking about what I would have to go through. How I would feel, what I would face, and how I would handle this. I always pictured myself having to face my former abuser alone. I always viewed it as me with Joey, not anyone else. But I'm not alone. I have my friends at my side, the voice actors know what happened to me, and the crew behind Meet the Mercs all are aware of what he did to me.

I'm not alone.

I thought about how this scenario could go depending on the decision between denying or allowing Joey to enter the event:

Allow:

Joey would be allowed to enter the event, experience the fun, and watch the show. I would have the crew make sure he doesn't get close to me. The voice actors are already aware of what he has done to me, and they know what his Pyro cosplay looks like. While I'm not sure how Robin, Gary, and Dennis feel about it at the moment, I do know that Ellen wouldn't be very happy to see him and John would more than likely be protective of me because I told him that Joey actually hurt me. He was very serious when I briefly explained the story behind that Balloonicorn Pyro, and basically came to the conclusion of "Ok, so basically this guy can fuck off." I don't know if Joey would be very happy with the voice actors already viewing him differently. But at least he would get to attend the event, right?

Deny:

If I were to deny Joey entry to the event, I would be able to enjoy the event in peace. I wouldn't have to worry about his appearance, or having to speak to him. I would get to enjoy my evening without worry.. until I walk out that door and have to face what I've denied. Knowing Joey, he would most likely build up animosity or anger towards me. Even if we make it as vague as possible for why he is not allowed to enter the event, I know he would figure out it was me who caused it. I could potentially face a whole new kind of threat online and in-person. Even with everyone at my side, I would still have that guilt of being the one who brought it all up in the first place.

We have officially decided to go with the option of quietly denying him entry for the sake of my safety, for my friends' sake, and for sake of preventing conflict. Andrew said it best: "We don't want to start drama. We just want to have a good time." I will unfortunately have to live with the fact that I denied him entry to an event that was something he actually looked forward to and wanted to do. I may have to face him in-person again too. God forbid we have to talk to each other after something like that.