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physalian · 29 days

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IngramSpark: Good or Nah?

I decided to work with them last minute to set my book up for success, and, in case they screwed me over, I could hate them in a properly informed manner.

So!

IngramSpark (IGS) vs. Amazon (KDP) so far: A detailed comparison.

Spoiler Alert: FUCK INGRAMSPARK

Alrighty these are two proof copies (author copies) of the exact same book made with the exact same PDFs. IGS is on the left in all pics.

Stuff to note:

The IGS copy is slightly greener, the purple is less vibrant. KDP made the exact colors I painted this with in photoshop.

The KDP book is slightly thicker and while the spine print is slightly off center, the front cover is perfectly centered. Compare both of the lower moons on the right side and it's very obvious that IGS cut theirs incorrectly. It's cut incorrectly because their paper is thinner, thus needing a slightly narrower print PDF (which isn't something they would tell you).

KDP is slightly thicker because they used thicker paper. Theirs is less polished creme, you can feel more of a grain of the pages, but because they're thicker, they're less transparent. I can read straight through to not only the back of the title page, but straight onto the next piece of paper for the IGS copy, and theirs cost more to print.

KDP shipped in lighter packaging, which meant my copy got a little banged up as opposed to the cardboard coffin the IGS book was in. Pick your poison.

KDP

PROS

A breeze to work with in most areas. I did not need to use customer service, so I can’t comment on that, but I’ve heard it’s superior to IGS in every way. They do have a community chat that I have used when confused (more below) and pages upon pages of how-to resources.

Simple user interface, very easy to click through all the set-up menus and not once did it freeze or crash on me (more below).

Did not use their formatter or cover generator, I used Adobe and did my own so I can’t comment on their quality.

Their “print previewer” was fantastic. I could click through the whole book and they explained very thoroughly where some issues were and what I should look out for and they let me use my own files without issue instead of having to build them in the platform.

Their royalty rate is the best you can get in this industry, because they’re not selling to anyone but themselves so there’s no middle man taking a cut of the profit.

Print quality of the book itself is fantastic. Only thing I miss is the ability to emboss, but no print-on-demand company does that as far as I’m aware. The colors were an exact match to my design in Adobe, I have no complaints.

Instant reports and near-live report refreshes for ebooks. Print copies don’t register on reports until the book ships, but Amazon prints and ships within ~2 days.

Because it’s Amazon, even though proof copies aren’t applicable with Prime, my copy still got here in 5 days including print time. My print copy totaled the print cost plus $3 in standard shipping that I could have rushed.

It did get a little banged up on the bottom but I think that was during shipping not at the printing press.

If you’re really strapped for cash, they do offer free ISBNs *but these are KDP only ISBNs, you don’t own them, and they are non transferable between vendors and POD companies. Bite the bullet and just save up for your own ISBNs and buy them in bulk if you can and you plan on publishing at least 2 books in your lifetime (like a paperback and hardcover of the same book, even).

After I submitted my ebook for preorder, I kept finding little details to fix and lines I wasn’t happy with that got nixed at the 11th hour. Updating this was seamless and free and the updated versions were processed within 6 hours or so. Amazon did not lock in the files to the date the preorders were set like IngramSpark would have.

CONS

They still don’t have paperback preorder, but they do have a feature where you can submit for a future release, which is just giving your files over to go live on a set date. Thing is: When you get to the end of the setup, there’s a button that says something like “submit for publication” which does not actually mean “move your publication date to right now” like I thought. So I missed my paperback date by 2 days.

Their proof copy has that annoying grey “Not for Resale” stripe across the cover so it looks wonky in marketing images.

They have a “cover art size calculator” feature, which did not line up with the actual file size I needed come submission time, off by a few millimeters. Which meant resizing in Photoshop and it was incredibly annoying and tedious.

Upon finally hitting the “publish” button Amazon flagged my book and told me to fix the highlighted errors. Well there were no highlighted errors, and said error(s) could be anywhere across four pages of details. I had to consult the community notes to figure out what they were talking about (it was an ISBN issue) which was quite annoying.

IGS

PROS

Well-known as the best print-on-demand (POD) company with the widest reach, including Amazon, for expanded distribution. (NOT IN MY EXPERIENCE)

Also well-known as the highest quality self-publish paperback, that still doesn’t do embossing. (NOT IN MY EXPERIENCE)

They do paperback preorders (which I did not participate in).

Integrates flawlessly with libraries and retailers that Amazon won’t do (which is about its only claim to superiority). My book was searchable on Barnes & Noble within 48 hours.

IGS, like KDP, has free ISBNs (US only), with the exact same non-transferable issue. However, because they integrate across all sellers, Amazon included, if you only intend to work with them, you’ve reached every market anyway.

CONS

Their royalty rate sucks ass. I had to price my book $1 higher through IGS because I was literally at a deficit with all the printing costs and vendor discounts (so if you want my book for slightly cheaper, buy it through Amazon). Through IGS, I think I’m making about $1 in royalties, when all is said and done. And I’ve heard, shockingly, that that’s pretty good.

I didn’t try to use their customer service because I know it’s notoriously terrible. But it would have been helpful when their website crashed.

Their website crashed on me three times when trying to upload my files. Before it crashed, their “submit files” button simply did not work, so I had to go the roundabout way through their formatter and cover wizard (which I didn’t like) which then told me my 300DPI cover art was too small. The exact same file I submitted and had in my hands at perfect resolution to Amazon. It took almost 2 hours of running around in circles on their site to essentially start from scratch to get this up and running—and I did all of this with polished files from the get go because I knew revisions would be tedious. Can’t imagine the hassle if you aren’t ready to go immediately (this is why I didn't do a preorder with them).

I have heard that if you make changes to your files, they don’t go into effect until the next month, meaning if you have typos, and anyone buys your book before the next calendar month despite you fixing them in the system, that person is still buying the old version. I have also heard that generating reports is not seamless. After 60 days, revisions also cost you $25 a pop (KDP is free).

If you submit pre-made PDFs for your manuscript and cover (as in, you don’t format or generate them within their system) they do not have an instant previewer. Mine took 48 hours to deliver a link, when that shit should be automated and instantaneous and should allow me to use my own files.

IGS does not have Amazon’s monopoly on shipping, so to get my book here at all quickly, it cost me almost $20, rush fees applied for only 1 day faster than Amazon did. “Quickly,” being I ordered the proof on the 24th, and it won’t get here until the 28th. Meaning, that if you’re not paying rush fees, you’d have to wait longer.

They can be quite confusing with revisions during the preorder process. Per their website, they can begin printing your book “generally” 30 days before go-live. Which means someone who preordered your book on the 3rd gets the version of the book that was available on the 3rd, even if you update it on the 5th, because they print those immediately, even if the book’s official release date of the 30th hasn’t passed. You’d pretty much have to be completely done with revisions before setting up for preorder with them to be absolutely sure, which means wasted time. I don’t know why they don’t just queue up the books to be printed on a hard deadline a few days before release.

So. While I hate that Amazon has a monopoly, about the only thing IGS has going for it is their expanded distribution when everything about their business, from their platform to their user experience to the actual quality of books is at best dead even with KDP, but in my experience with my best foot forward, IGS annoyingly inferior.

I don’t think they’ll remain the “best POD company” for very much longer. I did not do hardcover for ENNS as of this post so I can’t comment on either service’s print quality, only what I’ve seen in other reviews. Some people like the jacket-less print-on-the-cardboard look (Amazon), some people (me) like the jacket, if only so I can use it as a bookmark.

*I wrote the above paragraphs before getting my proof copy from IGS and fucking hell they're not even competent at printing

It is also a massive waste of paper and shipping resources to have to print multiple versions of proof copies fixing errors outside of my control. My proof copy from KDP is perfect. IGS? Nope! But they wouldn't let me properly preview it so I had no idea this would happen.

Even as a consumer who might hate the idea of giving Amazon more money, there’s an argument to consider: I totally understand the desire to keep brick and mortar stores afloat and I don’t want Amazon’s monopoly on the market to grow even larger. However, Amazon makes sure that you’re making more than pocket change on your book, unless you jack up the prices for readers on the back end so the whole thing costs more all the way down the pipeline. I refused to do this.

That deficit that forced me to price ENNS even $1 higher than Amazon really bothers me with IngramSpark. That deficit exists because of a higher print cost and a 55% discount given to vendors so they can still make their cut of profit from stocking your book. IngramSpark had me sit through a whole video saying “if you don’t do this no one will stock your book” while saying you could go as low as 54% but that might scare off vendors.

In essence, at this time, KDP makes sure that you, the creator, make money. IGS makes sure that they and the businesses selling your book for you make money. I didn’t do any of this for profit, but it does hurt seeing all your hard work, possibly years of effort, have a royalty of $0.87.

So, yeah, is IngramSpark worth it?

I don’t yet know what their reach will amount to. It’s a dream of mine to see my book on a bookstore shelf, but signing up with IGS does not guarantee you sales, it just guarantees you the best chance possible at reaching potential buyers. But at the moment, all it looks like to me is fees, a bad UI, cheap printing, arrogance from perceived superiority in the market, and a business built boldly in favor of its own profits.

Amazon’s a shady-ass corporation, but I’m going to have to say they’re the better bet. At the very least, for your first book when you don’t have an audience and if making a profit is important to you.

—

I did not try to use any other POD like Draft 2 Digital or Barnes & Noble Press, as I already have KDP and IGS is the best platform to integrate with KDP.

See here for the cost breakdown of my debut novel from draft to publication.

#writing #writing a book #writeblr #writing resources #writing tools #kdp #ingramspark #self publishing #publishing #buyer beware

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clotpolesonly · 3 months

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i haven't seen anyone else talking about this so i guess i have to do it. i was gonna make a gifset (or 2, or 5) but i'm out of storage on my laptop and photoshop keeps crashing, sooooo a meta post it is!!

tvTRC is paralleling Helen Gansey and Kavinsky

now, there are a plethora of critiques to be made about the handling of Helen Gansey in this adaptation, first and foremost being the fact that she's pretty much unrecognizable compared to her book counterpart.

(also on the list: the buckwild stupid decision to turn aglionby co-ed, as if it being an all-boys school wasn't relevant to any of the gender politics already present in the books; aging her down JUST so that Blue had a girl character to interact with that she wasn't related to instead of expanding the female cast; the Ganseys being latinx + Helen's promiscuity meaning that she now falls into the hypersexualized spicy latina stereotype.)

BUT i'm going to set all that aside for now and focus on specifically tvTRC's Helen as, essentially, a new character within her context. and what's being done with her is actually pretty interesting.

so first we need to talk about Helen/Blue.

as WILD as it is for the show to have swerved away from Blue having kept to herself and not engaged romantically or sexually with anyone for fear of, ya know, killing them with her true love curse, it was an even wilder choice for them to choose Helen Gansey for Blue's only pre-canon entanglement. both just because that's her endgame love interest's SISTER, and also because she's a woman.

one of Blue's most prominent arcs in this season is about her recognizing and coming to terms with her bisexuality. so for her to have already had sex with a woman pre-canon introduces a whooooole host of repression and denial in Blue that she apparently only begins to process in herself when she starts playing voyeur to Adam on his bisexual identity crisis arc through her and Gansey.

i'm circling back around to Kavinsky, i promise.

let me draw your attention to a bit of dialogue that i'm SHOCKED i haven't seen talked about more because it's actually so huge:

Helen: "Hey, Queenie." Blue: "Helen! I didn't expect you to be here." Helen: "Well, here I am. Do I get a kiss hello? For old time's sake?" Blue: "I thought you weren't coming to these parties anymore. You said you were going to stop." Helen: "I said I couldn't be seen at parties anymore." Blue: "I'm seeing you." Helen: "Thought that didn't count." Blue: "You're drunk."

most people seem to have interpreted this as just flirtation, not something to take seriously, but Blue does not correct Helen! several times in conversation with others, we see Blue set the record straight, she's consistently very firm on not letting people get away with accusing her of shit she didn't do, even in jest. if Helen was exaggerating, Blue would have said so, but instead she skirts past this without any acknowledgement at all. imo that's as good as confirmation that Blue and Helen did kiss during their pre-canon tryst(s), and with no indication of other relationships i am left to assume that this was likely Blue's first kiss.

Blue, who is cursed to kill her true love with a kiss, chose to take the risk of kissing someone anyway, and that someone was a girl. a girl who, according to Helen, didn't count.

considering it takes nearly 8 episodes for Blue to come to terms with her sexuality and acknowledge, both to Adam and to herself, that she is bisexual, what this amounts to is a scenario in which Blue, closeted and repressed, convinced herself that Helen was a safe person to experiment with because, as a ""straight"" girl, Blue did not have to worry about falling in love with her.

as many closeted queer kids do, Blue found a way to rationalize away her attraction to Helen and convince herself that it "didn't count" and she was only doing it for XYZ reason and it didn't mean anything. she just wanted to kiss someone because she couldn't kiss who she REALLY wanted to kiss (boys, obviously) and Helen was conveniently there and willing to be experimented with, no strings attached.

only, in this exchange and in others in later episodes, we kinda get the feeling that there were some strings attached for Helen. there's an undeniable bitterness to the delivery of "thought that didn't count" and she's clearly stung when Blue deflects and points out her intoxication.

for Blue, their relationship may have been a pure friends-with-benefits kind of thing, but Helen is clearly more invested. her eyes are always on Blue, she's leaning in towards her, she spends half the party alternately flirting with Blue and being uncharacteristically snide. she likes Blue, and Blue, for all intents and purposes, used her and then dropped her to go back to playing at being straight.

do you see where i'm going with this now? do you see the parallel??

what other character do we know that 1) is openly queer, 2) has a persistent crush on a closeted main character, 3) develops some kind of homoerotic relationship with that character, and 4) is then spurned by that character who refuses to admit that they're queer?

Joseph motherfucking Kavinsky

Ronan and Kavinsky don't outright sleep together in the literal sense, but the show is JUST as obvious as the books are in the whole This Activity Is Gay Sex Without Being Gay Sex department, if not more so.

Kavinsky pursues Ronan, openly flirts with him (he also asks Ronan for a kiss hello, ep 5, and is ignored instead of denied), is both jealous of and spiteful about Ronan's relationships with Gansey and Adam, and is genuinely upset when Ronan finally outright rejects him and elects to go back to being Gansey's "friend".

Ronan, like Blue does with Helen, uses Kavinsky to explore a part of himself that he's not ready to fully acknowledge or accept. and both of them do this without any real regard for the feelings of the person they're fucking around with. Ronan is more of a shithead about it, which makes sense because Kavinsky is so much more abrasive and their entire relationship is a toxic clusterfuck in both directions, whereas Blue and Helen maintain at least a loose friendship in the aftermath of their encounter

but it's clear that Blue and Ronan have both been callous and selfish, and it's Helen and Kavinsky who end up with their hearts (such as they are) broken. this much of their story is a very close mirror and we see it in the visual framing too! (hence the gifsets i was gonna make, come on photoshop, work with me here adklfjgh)

the primary color palette used for Kavinsky's scenes is a rather lurid neon purple and green, and Helen's dorm room is done up in lilac and sage (same colors, just different saturation). Helen is the only character besides Kavinsky or his cronies to be seen on screen with drug paraphernalia (Gansey never finds out about her casual use, i hope there's an arc about it and the respective ways they're cracking under the pressure in season 2 😭 Blue and Ronan both know, though). there are multiple dialogue parallels like the asking for a kiss bit ^^ and we even get perfectly paralleled shots of Helen/Blue and Kavinsky/Ronan in the same episode!!!

this is so clearly a deliberate choice, they put WORK into setting up these shots so they would hit just the same!! they put Helen in fucking sunglasses (raybans, of course), like K is always wearing, to symbolize that she's hiding something!!! cinnamon topography, lemme tell you

anyway, there's another thing that i want to address, cuz Helen and Kavinsky's similarities aren't actually confined to their queer relationships, and this is something that i reeeaaally find interesting.

we didn't get much of anything about Helen's actual personality in the books aside from her being a good big sister to Gansey, which i loved don't get me wrong, but it's really great to get to examine the other ways in which the pressure of being A Gansey™ presents itself. we get plenty about how much Gansey-boy struggles with being constantly on display as an object within the panopticon that is the political landscape and the social scene of the wealthy elite. there's sooooo much pressure that comes with upholding the family's good name and image.

in Gansey, this stress manifests in epic levels of repression, dissociative episodes, panic attacks, and The Ever-Growing Hole Inside Him. he is, as we know from the books but hasn't quiiiite been really delved into yet on screen (it will come, i'm sure, it gets more obvious as the books go on), passively suicidal as well. he does not take the kind of precautions he should in his situation and is content (for a given value) to let himself simply die if that's how the chips fall. he's not gonna stop them. in most areas, he comes across reasonable and deliberate in his actions, but when it comes to his own life, he is shockingly cavalier and careless.

and then we have Helen. as the eldest Gansey child, she faces just as much pressure as Gansey if not more so (there's something to be unpacked in the gender politics of this royalty-coded family, but that's for another post), and we see her cope in a number of unhealthy ways (ways that Gansey himself is not privy to). on the surface, like her brother, she is always prepared to put forth a pretty polished sophisticated facade, because that is what's expected and required of her. she needs to be Presentable™ and anything that isn't gets kicked under the rug where the neighbors and the paps can't see it. but she's also a party girl, she has a substance abuse problem, she is implied to have a lot of sex with a lot of people, and she struggles to form healthy relationships.

there's another bit of dialogue that's relevant here and ties us back into the Kavinsky parallel:

Gansey: "You can't play with Adam's feelings like this, Helen, and not just because he's my friend. Because it's a shitty thing to do to someone. This isn't a game." Helen: "Life is a game, little brother. Just because you haven't learned how to play it yet doesn't make it any less true."

they were brought up in a deeply performative society full of backstabbing and politics, where relationships of all kinds were used primarily for social climbing and clout. add on top of that the pressure to stay pretty for the cameras, which translated to a very low tolerance for messy emotions or displays of vulnerability (see: Gansey removing himself from the fucking country because his post traumatic episodes were embarrassing for the family), and Helen has adopted a very removed and nihilistic worldview.

Gansey, popular as he is, isn't exactly a social butterfly -- he's always kept mostly to himself -- but Helen tried to make friends as a kid, she talks about it some in ep 3. none of the relationships in her life have lasted so she's stopped trying to form new ones.

life is a game. nothing and no one truly matters. you don't have to feel that way, you don't have to let anything hurt you, and you don't have to risk investing in other people when they're only going to turn on you in the end.

compare this to Kavinsky's last words:

Ronan: "Get down! Damn it, K, get down!" Kavinsky: "The world's a nightmare, baby. All the world's a nightmare."

Kavinsky too has retreated from viewing the world as something he can participate in genuinely. he's got the same kind of nihilism underpinning his whole tough guy act, and it stems from a similar place of damage. we see from his fixation on Ronan that he does crave a real connection, but he can't bring himself to be vulnerable enough to actually make it. all he knows how to do is posture and manipulate from a distance while he keeps his walls up to protect himself from being hurt any further.

to Kavinsky, everything is a dream and reality is what he makes it. to Helen, everything is a game and she can win if she plays her hand right. the only thing that matters is being in control because that is how they feel powerful and being powerful is how they feel safe.

the only difference is that Kavinsky takes this a step further by imposing his control on other people, which is a line Helen never crosses. we can attribute this to Helen having some genuine connections in her life. Kavinsky's life really is a nightmare lol, he was truly alone and on his own from a very early age, while Helen has a family that, while deeply flawed, loves and does its dysfunctional best to support her when it can.

my last discussion point here is circling back to the suicidality. the nightmare quote from Kavinsky ^^ is from his very last scene. it's the last thing he says before he allows his own night horror to kill him. in the wake of Ronan's rejection, with that last chance for connection denied and having no other reason to live, he commits suicide.

now, obviously, Helen does not do this. she lives on to grace our screens for season 2! but there's a moment in the final episode between her and Blue that needs addressing. it's the scene after Blue acknowledges out loud, both to Adam and to herself, that she is bisexual. she's spent the whole season wrestling with her identity and coming to terms with what it means to her and she's finally come to a place where she can say it and mean it and know it's true.

and then she sees Helen again. Helen, whom Blue kissed under the false repression-fueled assumption that she could not fall in love with because she was straight and not attracted to women. it was supposed to be safe in its impossibility. it was supposed to mean nothing.

but Blue is attracted to women. she is not straight and she could have loved Helen. there was nothing safe about this, and we get to really see on Blue's face that she's processing the gamble she took with Helen's life (i'm not blaming Blue for not realizing she was queer sooner, for the record, just acknowledging the guilt that Blue canonically feels in this rather unique circumstance of hers).

we see Helen process it too, but Helen doesn't react in the way that Blue (or the audience, probably) expects her to. she's not upset or retroactively scared or angry at the risk Blue took with her. instead we get this:

Helen: "So it was me, then?" Blue: "What do you mean?" Helen: "You said kissing would kill your true love, and here I am, alive and all. You thought it was because I'm a girl. But it's not. You just...didn't love me." Blue: "Helen." Helen: "It's okay. I didn't really expect you to. That's not what we were. [Pause.] Was there ever a chance?" Blue: "A chance for what?" Helen: "That it might take me out. [Laughs.]" Blue: "I'm really glad it didn't."

Helen asks this question jokingly, like it's no big deal, like it's something funny and a little scandalous. but it's not funny and Blue doesn't laugh. the audience isn't invited to laugh. this is a lonely girl with a lot of damage joking about her own death, wondering if it might have been worth it if it meant that Blue could've loved her.

we really need to give props to the actress because she infused the questions with so much fragile hope and vulnerability with just an edge of defensive posturing to cover it up. on some level, Helen wants Blue to tell her that she might've died. there's romance in that idea, of dying for love, of being loved to death. when she asks if Blue has found her real love, there's jealousy in it.

(i'm not prepared for when she finds out it's her little brother. it's gonna break me, i can already tell.)

but it's such an interesting juxtaposition with Kavinsky's end to the season. Kavinsky welcomed death because there was no love for him, and we have Helen almost longing for death if it could mean that there was love for her. instead, she has to keep living. she makes the choice that Kavinsky doesn't, to move on from rejection and look somewhere else in hopes of finding something more to live for. her apologizing to Adam is a step off the path to destruction, an acknowledgement that life is not, in fact, a game and that she can't win anything until she opens the door to all those messy unpleasant feelings again and begins to really heal.

i don't think it's any coincidence that the last shot we get of Helen is of her removing her purple nail polish and repainting her nails yellow -- the color most strongly associated with Gansey, her brother, the strongest and most genuine relationship that she has in the show.

Kavinsky had no one, but Helen at least has him. and in the end, that makes all the difference in the world.

thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#TRC goncharov #unreality #somehow this ended up almost EXACTLY as long as my Declan hair essay alkdfjgh #literally it's a 5 word difference #how #anyway i think i qualify as truly unhinged now #but if y'all didn't want me taking your crack seriously then you should've thought of that before you started canonizing interesting shit

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brf-rumortrackinganon · 6 months

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The people mag article where HnM are bemoaning how they weren't given any details about Catherine's health ... My thoughts 1.) This is preemptive, since there is now an official enquiry and they do want to be accused of leaking info. OR 2.) They are saving their ass because they did make up a story and leak some info to someone that became part of the narrative and they are trying to back track.

If I had to guess, I'd say they immediately went to DMoi and shared some made up information, because DMoi was pretty adamant that it was her regular trusted source. And then this source was also updating her weekly (I listen to her podcasts) . She was one of the accounts that kept the story alive, although she did not propagate the conspiracy theories, she was pretty sure she knew the medical info.

HnM have definitely been blabbing someplace and that's why they put it this People story because the breach of medical confidentiality became a legal issue this week.

That’s what I think too. This is the Sussexes’ MO: they blab, it gets out, and they do “it wasn’t us” PR. We saw it just last week with the photoshop - they blabbed “we’d never do that,” it got out and made the rounds, then they sourced a “we didn’t say that” PR piece.

They’re not getting any information at all about Kate. I used to know someone who had Crohns and they said once that stress makes everything worse for them. Even though we don’t know exactly what Kate’s condition is, there’s been enough evidence that we can safely assume that stress has/will aggravate it, and it is also safe to assume that the Sussexes have caused some of the stress in Kate’s life - so of course they’re not going to be updated on her condition or involved in the discussions! If there’s one thing William does well, it’s how fiercely he protects the people he loves. I don’t remember why I went down this tangent…oh, right. I think Harry and/or Meghan have been caught saying things about Kate’s health that William/KP knows for a fact are false and it may be somehow connected to the clinic investigation or — like you said — it took on a new critical urgency once the confidentiality breach was discovered. Because remember, KP is getting updates about it (they’re the ones who leaked it, IMO, so the public would know and to be able to hold the hospital accountable for following through).

It wouldn’t surprise me if the hospital is looking at the communications of these 3 employees to see who they have been in touch with. (If they were using company accounts/devices it’s perfectly legal to do that. At least here in the US it is, not sure about the UK.)

Anyway, I don’t think the Sussexes are directly behind the medical records privacy invasion - my gut is that it’s a foreign publication but you never know. I think the Sussexes have been gossiping with their friends/associates/bots and that’s been brought to KP’s attention. I mean, if Meghan once felt it was appropriate to make the plane crash comment, she probably thinks it’s appropriate to openly speculate about some of the worse theories.

I also doubt they’re getting a whole lot of updates about Charles as well so it’s surprising to me (sort of, not really - the Sussexes/Meghan get better SEO when their names are tied to Kate) that we haven’t heard much from Montecito on Charles’s condition. It’s cancer! They’d get so much press for being the doting son and DIL who live abroad but are supporting Charles in whatever way they can. I mean, Meghan at least should’ve thought about sending a basket of her new homemade jams to Charles to help cheer him up since he’s into that sort of stuff with his own Duchy Originals line, but nope. Bupkis.

#ask #brf #sussexes #waleses #theories #submission

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spinoff-antithesis · 1 year

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[@distinguished-turtle-enjoyer ]

i actually have not stopped thinkin bout your bb!edit like,,,, its so good and scratches my brain right

how long have you been doin edits for? do have any tips for someone, who hypothetically, wants to start doin edits too? what programs do you use? how did you do the cool animated bits?

im so sorry for all the qustions 😭😭 i just think youre very talented and inspirational and i hope you have a good day ^_^

hi firstly oh my gosh you're literally so sweet i am gently shaking you i love you so much /p. secondly, i apologize for the long answer! (it's all under the cut. this got away from me. i'm so sorry apparently i have a lot to say.) (also you're so good about the questions i would constantly be asking one of my professors questions during class to the point where she said i didn't have to go "i have a question" every time i approached her)

i've been editing since 2016! around march/april, i think? loved it so much i went into film & video production in college as a major so i could do editing for a living. (i have done more motion graphics for my classmates than i have done edits outside of class assignments, BUT!)

the program i use is after effects - i started learning it when covid first hit the united states because i had nothing better to do with my time (other than music theory but i failed that bc my professor focused more on the history aspects than the actual theory soooo) and my ipad kept giving me the "no more storage" whenever i tried to use videostar lmao. (vs has, apparently, gotten a LOT of good updates, so if you're looking to start editing and have an ios system, i'd look into it! only downside is you have to pay for some of the cool stuff).

also the program i use for masking (i think i explain this later dwdw) is superimpose. i've been using it since 2014 and it's SO nice bc i can use my fingers to erase backgrounds & stuff instead of hoping i can get it to work correctly in ae or photoshop (photoshop my DETESTED i'll use it but i'll complain the entire time).

for people who want to start editing: tutorials on how your program works and how to do specific transitions are gonna be your best friend when you're first figuring things out! i forced a friend to literally walk me through how after effects worked when i was first figuring it out, and when i had swapped to videostar back in 2017/2018(?) i had watched a Lot of tutorials. that and played around a lot and figured things out on my own - which is also always a good way to start!! it's also totally valid to look at other people's edits for inspiration - most editors don't really care, as long as you don't flat-out remake their edit (some people don't like that!). i have a style insp folder on instagram where i save edits that i like so if i need transition ideas or i'm doing a different style, i can look there for inspiration. at the end of the day, as long as you're having fun with it that's all that matters!

also, starting simple is always okay!! my edits for a year were just me slapping gifs & video segments together on a timeline in cute cut pro bc imovie didn't load them lol & it'd crash every time i breathed. ++ it never hurts to ask people for feedback/constructive(!!!) criticism/etc! (also not to sound like everyone else but practice? good. it's so good. if i showed my 14/15y/o self some of the edits i can make now they would've passed out on the spot bc i was still trying to figure out transitions back then. programs can also sometimes make a difference in edits, but usually it's not super noticeable until you start getting to the Complicated Shit.)

a lot of popular programs i've seen are ones like video star (ios only), alight motion (android only), after effects (i recommend 🏴‍☠️ing it tbh, i only use it legally bc i had to use adobe programs for school), capcut, and i think some people still use sony vegas pro & maybe cute cut pro (i've heard it may have actually gotten better since i last used it in 2018)? i have no idea. programs also depend on whatever device you're using to edit on! since i've been using my laptop, i'm able to use after effects (it's computer-only), but when i used my phone/ipad to edit i used ccp & vs.

for the animation - it's a lot of cutting up the image and masking! more complex animations, like the one i had of leo walking down that red 'hallway' have several different layers that have been masked. (i removed the background & filled in the spot where leo originally was in two different apps - superimpose (taking leo out) & photoshop (filling in the bg)) in after effects, the way i've done this was mask out the specific thing i wanted to move (like an eye) and then put that mask on what i've called a "base" (not animated), and then stick a solid behind the base to match the color of the object. (some of my layers are not named appropriately; base 2 is the left arm & the four "SIX_[...]" layers are the mask/bandana tails)

an example of this would be for any of the eye blink animations i did! this (above) is the same shot, with and without the eye - since it's masked out and i have the background solid behind it, it doesn't look too unnatural/have a black outline/mass where his eye should be.

what it looks like without the solid layer behind it ^ (the red lines are from the null layers - ignore that)

this is what my timeline looks like if it's a more simplistic animation - the only five things being animated here are leo & raph's eyes. (there's only this many layers bc it's two characters in one shot & i was also animating their pupils - typically, an eye-blink animation is about 4-6 layers for me (solid, base, mask, & null to animate with, 6 if i'm animating both eyes & 4 if just one))

in after effects, there's this really cool tool called the puppet pin that one of my friends (lovingly) yelled at me for not knowing about - which. yeah fair she wasn't wrong it's SUPER useful in animating, provided you chop up your image first. if you don't it's a mess.

(separated by layer vs i should've really put the mask tails & leo's head on separate layers and didn't bc that was the 2nd to last animation i had to do and i was losing my mind bc i wanted to be done with the edit lmao)

the way people animate depends all on their style (there's two common ways to do blinking animation - having the anchor point at the bottom of the eye, or the middle of it) and the program they use. it's been a while, but i could probably tell you how to do some basic animations on videostar still even though i've been doing them in after effects for about 2-3years now. ALSO the best way to have an animation be noticeable is to over-exaggerate it/make them Big - which, yes, can mean 'breaking bones' and having the limbs be a little wonky at the start. (if you want it to be realistic though go Just to the point where it looks uncomfortable lmao)

uhm. again i am so sorry that this is so long i THINK this is everything? if not: my inbox/dms are always open if you ever want to ask more questions, wanna follow up on something, etc etc!! (also if you ever start editing please send me your edits!!! i'd love to see them <3)

#this got away from me im SO sorry (just put this in google docs out of curiosity. 1255 words. i am so sorry for the essay.)#uhm. ANYWAY YES like i said if you have any other questions feel free to reach out!!! i am always alway willing to help people out #with stuff like this!!! i can talk your ear off though if this wasn't enough proof of that /j #if nothing makes sense it's bc i'm responding to this at like. 5am my time. so. my bad if there's typos i'm so sorry #like i think i saw this ask at 4:40ish am and i'm still making sure i've got everything covered and its like 5:32am LMAO #me when i dont sleep bc i have no routine now #ask box pals #art creds in the screenshots to trubblegumm !! <- tagging to be safe #still in shock at the amount of positive feedback im getting from my bb!leo edit like oh my god you guys are incredible ilysm /p #sorry i discovered in the middle of typing out my tags that you can edit them now after you've hit enter where am i.#also this is offtopic so its down here but i am Not complaining about doing more motion graphics than actual editing.#a bitch has won two awards for their motion graphics at festivals and i've been doing them for a YEAR #(laughs in the first time i ever did a real one i won a student award. idk how. but i DID and i won the pro category this year <3)#it would be nice tho to do more editing for short films tho :( had a professor tell me i was good at it.#i should rly start using my camera and shoot my own stuff and edit it huh. maybe i will eventually i have a few ideas.#anyway. i need to stop rambling abt my experience as a film student and go to bed i apparently need to be up in the morning but idk WHEN

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iridescentissims · 1 year

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So! It's been a while since I actually took screenshots of my fatal flaws legacy household and quite a lot has changed! In fact, the next generation is pretty much ready to take over soon, so here is an intro of sorts!

These two are so precious and already best friends and gen four are doing well! I'll get screenshots eventually but Kaylin has a thriving farm, Malachite reached the top of the doctors career and is currently working through the insect collection (because I kept putting it off since the kids were growing up), and Nephrite is also at the top of his career and only one task away from completing his aspiration! So everyone is doing well!

I am so excited for gen five, it's going to be so much fun telling a high school sweethearts gone wrong story and I love single parent gameplay, plus I have barely used the comedian career before so I'm curious!

Also, as I was editing these screenshots in photoshop sims actually crashed and I don't remember when I last saved so wish me luck D':

#i love that i planned for so long to have a gen called citrine #and i even cheated for it to be a girl #and as soon as they aged up im like #you are not cis #im not sure what yet but definitely not cis #i can tell because i am the same #unrelated but i would kill for citrine's hair #sorry im rambling #fatal flaws legacy #the sims #the sims 4 #the sims 4 legacy #ts4 #the sims 4 legacy challenge #the sims legacy #simblr

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kenthenugget · 1 year

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Adobe Broke Photoshop in 2023

A bit of a disclaimer: this will contain quite a bit of swearing and a lot of anger so be warned

For the past 3 and half years, I've been using photoshop for pretty much all of my digital drawings. Ever since I discovered you could draw in it back in my high school digital media class back in the 11th grade in 2019, I've pretty much used it for everything from school work to my comic to personal works. Despite its hefty price, its been reliable tool for me, and I've never had any sort of issues with it, up until recently.

Upon joining the tapas community, I was shocked at how much photoshop was disliked by the wider art community. Hell the mod in a server I'm in hates it with a burning passion (and may hate others who use it but idk). Mostly I've noticed that the complaints boil down to photoshop being buggy, unstable and overall unreliable. But in my experience that couldn't be further from the case. And if this were me from 2022 typing this, I would have to agree. But now I can see where they're coming from. In the course of 6 months, photoshop has gone from being a reliable good program to a complete mess. And any good will I had towards it is gone, and I'm surprised I'm still using it. The following is a recollection of my experience with the program beginning at the tail end of 2022 to now. Its going to be hard for me to frame this story in terms of escalation because it starts off really bad but gets slightly better by the end, but not by much.

Crashing:

Its inevitable that any computer program will crash at some point, and Photoshop is no exception. Up until this year, crashes were never really an issue. Sure they were annoying then they happened but they happened so infrequently that it was never a major problem. But that would quickly change. Beginning a few days before 2023, and ending around March and April, Photoshop would crash at the frequency of...every week, usually once per week at best and up to 3 or fucking 5 at worst. And it would all be the exact same. I would be drawing and out of nowhere, the program would freeze. I couldnt minimize it, close, save or do anything. The only way I'd be able to close it was by using task manager to force quit it. This was, as you could expect, annoying and extremely rage inducing but it wasnt just crashing that caused this.

Now thankfully, photoshop has an auto recovery feature so if the program crashes or if your pc looses power, you can recovery what you were working on and everything would be fine! But if photoshop crashed this way, auto recovery wouldnt work properly. It would recovery the file yes, but anything I was working up to the moment of crashing would be fucking gone. I cant tell you how many hours of work I lost because of this. Entire page layouts, sketches, selections, layers, etc gone within in an instant. I would try to levy the damage by changing the auto recovery timer from 10 to 5 minutes but only just.

I tried tolerating this at first but it kept happening more and more and eventually I had enough. My solution was to downgrade to the previous photoshop version as I surmised that the newer version had broken photoshop. This happened in February and up until the end of my spring break in March, I felt a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in a while. Sure, it would still crash but not the level as it did before. But that changed on the 16th and 17th. Photoshop crashed 5 times within those two days, three of them happening on the SAME... FUCKING... DAY!!! I wont lie, I felt defeated in a way I hadnt felt in a long time and out of desperation, I ended up updating to the latest version, praying that that would be the fix.

However this part of the story has a happy ending...sort of. I ended up making a thread about this on the adobe forums and ending up updating the driver for my graphics card and after that, photoshop stopped crashing. And unlike the last time, it didnt increase to that frequency ever again. In fact, I found a way of spotting when a crash would happen and found ways of avoiding it. The freezing would happen on certain files I was working on. And if I closed that file, I could avoid the entire thing freezing and loosing all my work. But regardless, the first 3 months of the year have (as stupid as this sounds) permanently scared me and Im still subconiously scared photoshop will crash constantly again.

The Annoying Ass Bugs:

Though the program had stabilized, my issues with photoshop would persist in the form of bugs which are really really fucking annoying to deal with. The first of those came in the form of it getting stuck on left click. If I had the program open for longer than 24 hours (or if I used the keyboard commands for undo, copy + cut + paste, or other tools that werent the brush and eraser tool), photoshop would get stuck on whatever tool I was using left click for. If it was the zoom tool, it would zoom in and out without me holding my finger down on the left mouse key. Same with the rotation tool and so on. The only way I could stop this was by closing the program and reopening it. Now, this is far better than the program crashing on me every day, but its very inconvenient. And I dont think I need to explain why. Other updates would come but Adobe didnt seem to fix it until an update that came out in early June. However, in doing this, they introduced another bug....

If I rotate the canvas or zoom in on a file Im working on, switch tabs and come back to that file, the camera position is reset. Rotations are reset, Im now zoomed out instead of zoom in, the camera is focused on a different part of the canvas. And unlike the last one, I cant stop it by closing the program. I dont understand how Adobe keeps on doing this. This fix a bug by introducing a new one. How is that even possible? And to make matters worse, they rolled out another update with "stablitiy issues" and according a comment left on a thread I made about this on the adobe forums, they still haven't fixed it. God only knows when they will and when they do, I wouldn't be surprised if Adobe found a way to break photoshop again.

So there you have it! With 6 months Photoshop has gone from a reliable work horse to a program I don't trust using. About half an hour before typing this blog out, Photoshop crashed while I was trying to fill in something, and I have to ask myself, "Why am I still doing this?" Why am I still using a program I hate using? Why am I subjecting myself to this? Why cant I just use the program every artist gushes over like its the second coming of Jesus Christ, Clip Studio Paint? And I dont have an answer. Apart from me wanting to finish my comic without worrying about adjusting to different art programs, I don't know why I'm still using photoshop. Maybe its because I've used it for so long that I have an attachment to it. Like I cant move on and just be done with it. Maybe despite all I said, I dont want photoshop to be this bad. I want it to be a good program. I want say with pride that its reliable program. I want it to be a functional stable thing I can use to draw my characters. I hate what Adobe's done with it.

I don't really know how to end this post. But all I can say is Adobe, you fucked up big time....

#art rant #artists on tumblr #adobe photoshop #photoshop

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homeworkreminder · 2 years

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Apple is so fucking anti-consumer and I don't even know why anyone still sucks on their dicks like its the best company ever

I have a mac, right, because adobe kept fucking destroying my old computer and I am required to have a macbook for my future classes. So I got one.

Here I am working on an assignment and I notice that it needs an update, obviously since I'm under time constraints I don't do it yet because I don't want to wait at most an hour if its a big update.

Next thing you know my art program continues fucking crashing. Mind you this is Krita not photoshop bevause I could use the adobe suite with no issue earlier today. Now why does krota keep crashing? It continues to crash while im working or while saving, having to rely on recovery files that lost time consuming chunks of what i worked on already.

It crashes again and this time I send an accident report. This is the only application open on my device. And finally after an hour more of this I go to help pop up to see what the potential issues could be.

In the middle of the fucking list is an update to the whole device. I'm sorry, but my prohrams were working 100% fine before i got the notification, but now you are forcing me to spend time I do not have on your fucking update because oh no apple can't work normally now because it totally wasnt working fine before

Shitty ass company, I have to skip class today to finish this now because my professor will be pissed because i didn't get to start the other assignment yet

#anti apple

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amaranthineghost · 3 months

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Hi! Can I request an angst abt Lando Norris and Margarida Corceiro being seen together? No cheating, miscommunications with reader. Or FWB!reader.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS COMPLICATIONS ( lando norris. )

lando norris x reader

after lando and margarida were seen in public together, she isn't sure that her feelings were reciprocated by the brit. despite having been friends with benefits for months, swearing they wouldn't develop feelings, they seemed to have failed.

warnings: minimal smut, mentions of sex, friends with benefits relationship, miscommunications, angst.

authors note: I loved this so much, it was actually really fun to make and I wanted to combine a smau and just a normal writing imagine so 🫶🏼 apologies for my absence, summer break hit and i wanted nothing more than to just lay in bed and sleep all day (sob)

“FUCK, DON'T LET IT BE TRUE, PLEASE don't let it be true,” she whispered into her hand, basically pleading to the universe, if it was even listening. her palm covered her lips as a sick feeling brewed in the pit of her stomach. she felt she could throw up any moment. the hand over her mouth was subconscious, an involuntary movement as she felt the cold rings on her fingers press against her skin. she swallowed thickly as she scrolled, and scrolled, and scrolled to find hope—false hope. no amount of scrolling could calm the nausea that crashed like waves during a storm in the open ocean. if anything, it only worsened the feeling.

f1wags

liked by magui_corceiro and 214,485 others

f1wags lando norris and margarida corceiro spotted together in monaco getting into the mclaren driver’s car

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she kept bringing herself back to it. she looked over the outlines of their figures; she scoured the internet to find the same silhouettes, hoping to find pictures of them wearing the same outfits, just on a different day. she wanted to find proof it was photoshopped, but she knew in her heart that it wasn’t. she was only letting herself down by allowing herself to hope that it wasn’t true, but it was. probably.

she sat on the toilet in the bathroom stall of a nightclub she went to with lando. in her party dress that he had complimented her on numerous times that night, it felt too tight for her body all of a sudden. her tongue grazed over her teeth as she now went to twitter, scrolling through countless twitter threads of the new ‘couple.’ her stomach churned with unease—how could she compete with her? she's stunning—literally a model.

besides, margarida was winning the competition she didn't even know she was apart of, managing to one-up her by potentially dating lando. she couldn't even get close.

her and lando were complicated in comparison. their relationship could never compare. they were friends with benefits, and with it was the silent agreement that they'd never be anything more. it would be too awkward if they were, and years of friendship would be ruined. they were friends with benefits, but at times, it felt like the opposite. she started calling their relationship ‘friends with complications,’ but he didn't know that.

she should've cut it off the second she felt anything more than platonic with him, but what they were doing was far from that to begin with. she would've had to cut him off way before their fwb relationship began—because she had felt something for him for a while, and this is the closest she could come to having him. not anymore though.

she had secretly been hoping that her feelings were reciprocated—it was already heart-wrenching enough to think that he might think their meaningless hook-ups were just that—meaningless. they were supposed to be.

to him, maybe they always were.

he probably saw her only as a friend because that's what she was. his friend that he had approached and asked to fuck because he couldn't risk it hooking up with someone from a random club. her heart skipped when he asked, but dread loomed over her shoulder. friends with benefits—complications—never ended with anything more than heartbreak. it was supposed to be meaningless, and she could only hope he didn't feel it was.

to her, they never were.

when his lips kissed down her skin before slipping between her thighs, he practically drank her up, her hands grasping at his curls to pull him impossibly closer. she felt his nose pressing against her, his breaths deep and labored against her skin that only added to the pure bliss he gave her. the groans leaving his lips at the taste of her, sending vibrations through her cunt while she let out hoarse moans. he wouldn't resurface until he was pussydrunk and hazy, multiple orgasms later. her slick coating his chin as his tongue licked it from his skin, he watched as her chest rose and fell quickly; sweat coated her skin, her hair matting to her forehead. his fingers teased over her folds, thumb pressing against her overstimulated clit. she squirmed under his hand, grasping at his wrist with strangled moans.

“c’mon, baby,” he would coax, his voice heavy and manipulative, but not malicious, “giv’me another, please?”

he would ask that of her, lowly groaning at the sight of his fingers being swallowed by her wet pussy, disappearing beyond her glistening folds. she couldn't deny him when he sounded like that. he slowly pumped his middle finger against her slick walls that clenched around him, seamlessly slipping in his ring finger alongside as he stretched her walls out, manipulating her flesh under his fingers as he parted his digits. he watched her face writhe in pleasure, the way her skin creased and her brows furrowed as her jaw went slack at the simple actions.

“so wet f’me,” he marveled, sucking in a sharp breath, “such a pretty pussy all f’me, hm?”

surely, he reciprocated some feelings. with the way he spoke to her, practically worshiping her body while depriving his own of the same pleasure—he claimed he got just as much by getting her off.

but now she didn't know.

she would be lying if she said she didn't know what she was doing when she first agreed to it. she just wished she knew how much it would hurt.

now she wished she could've set that boundary. she didn't then because the desire to just have him—in a way friends don't, and shouldn't—was greater than any thoughts telling her it was a bad idea—that it would only end with it breaking her heart. unfortunately, she had a tendency to follow her heart, not her head. maybe he knew that, but he probably didn't. guys never know.

so here she is, her leg bouncing up and down, and her heel clicked on the floor. she nervously bit at the skin around her fingers, she even drew blood. she cursed herself under her breath before scrolling again.

she sighed, looking at herself with the reflection of her phone screen, a frown on her face as she pursed her lips. her makeup was smudged, her skin had a sheen to it from all the dancing she had been doing in the crowded club. it wasn't her fault the room was stuffed with drunk, sweaty people that made the room rise a few degrees.

when the night was still young, she'd happily walk into the club, lando following behind her like a lost puppy and a look of admiration on his face—taking appreciative glances down her figure. but when the night had long gone on, she loathed being in the club as she'd try to push her way past the sweaty, way too drunk club-goers to get outside for a breath of fresh air. she'd always regret going by the end of the night.

she stared at the image again, like she hadn't already done so for the last three minutes. reluctantly, she scrolled on.

her heart paused at a certain thread, holding her breath involuntarily as she scrolled back for a double take. her brows knit creases on her forehead as her eyes narrowed at the words—her astigmatism and a few too many drinks didn't help her ability to read the text on her phone.

if only they knew, she thought, a scoff slipping past her lips as her eyes lingered on the tweets. she read them over again, secretly wishing the same thing the fans did. a frown settled on her features once again, her head resting on her hands as she huffed out a sigh. her eyes grew heavy, feeling tipsy from the few drinks lando had begged her to let him pay for—she had obliged.

maybe all the signs were there, but with her hazy vision, she failed to read them. her brain that was starting to feel like mush failed to comprehend them too. regardless, her eyes lingered on the phone screen. she rubbed her tired eyes, most likely smudging the mascara across her skin. she’d end up resembling a racoon, but she didn’t care. she was tired, tipsy—she would have somewhat of a hangover— and the bathroom was too hot for her liking.

she didn't know how long she had sat there for, only she knew it was long enough for another person to bang on the door on the other side of the stall. she cursed herself again under her breath, hurriedly standing up from the toilet while simultaneously wiping away the ‘sweat’ from under her eyes and any smeared makeup. she pulled down the scratchy, black material of her dress that had ridden up her thighs before unlocking and pulling open the stall door.

she stood face to face with the girl who banged on the door. she gave a nervous smile, followed by a short chuckle, “sorry,” she mumbled an apology breathlessly, slipping past her with a slight graze against her shoulder.

she bit her lip as she scolded herself for hogging the stall; she had really lost track of time then. as she washed her hands in the sink, vision focused on the suds that washed away the dirtiness of the club that surrounded her. she felt eyes on her. a silhouette in the mirror standing still where the girl had. she had been too zoned out to hear the voice that spoke to her.

it was like her ears had popped when focus came back to her, suddenly she could hear the club music blaring through the air, and she glanced up in the mirror at the girl, flicking her vision back and forth between her and her hands.

“ ‘m so sorry, were you sayin’ something?” she flicked her wrists, water droplets flew from her wettened skin as she looked back down at them, grabbing a paper towel. Her heart beat heavy against her ribcage. she was partially scared the girl was angry with her for hogging the stall, but her relax demeanor told her otherwise.

“girl, ‘s all good,” she chuckled with the shake of her head, the smile lingering on her face as she crossed her arms against her chest, “li’le boy outside askin’ f’you, asked me t’ see if you were still ‘ere.”

she closed her eyes with a sigh, a tongue rolling across the insides of her cheeks as she shook her head with slight guilt and annoyance before opening her eyes again, “tan guy with dark curls?”

“sad excuse f’ some facial hair?” the girl asked jokingly, which incited an involuntary laugh to sneak past her lips. she stepped closer to the sink, her arms falling towards her sides as she leaned against the wall next to the mirror. “yeah, tha’s the one.”

“was he talkin’ a lot?” she stifled her laughs at the girl’s previous comment, pursing her lips as she tossed the horrible quality paper towel into the bin. her eyes were dark as she looked at the girl, the smudged mascara making it look like she had dark bags under her eyes. she reached for another paper towel, wetting it this time.

“jus’ ‘bout you, girl,” she spoke quieter now, seemingly more relaxed compared to the heavy hand she gave the door. “he looked real worried, tha’s some man you got.”

her heart flipped in her chest. If she had thought that he was hers, how many others did? he was asking about her too, he was worried about her. her heart wanted to believe that he really did like her, that this relationship was more than ‘friends with complications.’ her head told her that he was just being a good enough friend to make sure she was alright after she had disappeared 10 minutes ago after having said that she was going to the bathroom.

she scoffed, shaking her head as she swallowed the saliva that pooled in her mouth thickly, “he’s not my man.”

her tone was reluctant because even though she said that he wasn’t hers, she deeply wished for it to be true. she wanted to call him hers, and she wanted him to call her his.

“fooled me,” she commented with a tone of disbelief laced into her words. she took a pause, watching her expression as she wiped the smudged makeup from her under eyes before speaking again, “so wha's goin’ on that he’s not ‘ur man?”

she let out a long and deep exaggerated sigh as she moved onto the other eyes, “way more complicated than i care to admit,” she said, chuckling dryly, though she didn’t entirely mean to sound so closed-off. her emotions tended to heighten with alcohol intake and it didn’t help that she had this whole fucked relationship with one of her best friends. she looked at the girl again, seeing the raised brows and an expression that told her ‘go on.’

“friends with benefits,” she relented.

she let out a huffed groan, “tha's rough,” she shook her head at the thought “but that man sure don’t act like it. clearly he cares ‘bout you.”

“ ‘s complicated.” she said flatly, not elaborating anymore as she tossed the dirtied paper towel in the bin, turning her back to the mirror as she leaned against the porcelain. her hands felt the rough underside of the unfinished sink, contrasting the smooth exterior of the exposed material.

she watched her for a moment longer as she leaned against the sink, her face flushed and red. she knew she had to report back to the worried brit who stood leaning outside against the wall, waiting for either her to return with an answer, or the girl he had been so concerned about.

“take a moment, girl,” she pushed herself from the wall, walking towards the fancy, heavy door of the club bathroom, “i’ll tell ‘im you’ll be ‘nother minute.”

she nodded in thanks as she watched her leave. her heart still heavy in her chest. she just wished she could escape, slip through the thin window that let in the moonlight, casting a glow across the dimly illuminated bathroom tile.

it brought her back to the numerous late-night hook-up calls she took. the moon casting a silver glow across his tanned skin, cascading down his abs. the shadows emphasized the muscles across his body as she watched them with hazy vision taut with each buck of his hips into her throbbing pussy, the room filled with lewd sounds that only got him harder. muttered praises fell from his lips with every passing second as he buried his cock deeper into her cunt, hitting spots against her gummy walls that elicited strangled squeaks that escaped her pink, swollen lips. her throat red and hoarse as she worked up a release for the nth time. paired with his thumb toying with her over-sensitized clit, he practically bullied her pussy with how much he exhausted from her, milking orgasm after orgasm from her poor, debilitated body.

so much so that he was fucking his releases back into her overstimulated cunt while it dripped down the back of her reddened thighs, pooling onto the bedsheets as it smeared across his hips. he groaned lowly in the back of his throat, his hands clawing at the fat on her hips. he bit his lip at the thought of bruising her skin just from how harshly he fucked himself into her.

“fuck,” he had growled under his breath, pressing his thumb further down on her clit which caused another strained whimper to slip from her lips, “ ‘ur pussy‘s fuckin’ made f’me, ain’t it? hm?”

his voice was cocky, he knew she couldn’t speak. she was a babbling mess under his tanned body, eyes hazy and glossed over as he watched her fucked-over expression—so blissfully cockdrunk all because of him and only him. the noises that filled the room were downright pornographic with the low string of groans constantly falling from his lips and the desperate gasps of breath as he fucked her senseless.

he watched her body writhe under him, her walls clenching around him as she desperately reached for release. he felt it too, pooling at the bottom of his abdomen, the addictive feeling he could only find resolve in buried deep in her sopping pussy, all for him as he filled her again.

it’d be too much to hope that he would make her feel like that again tonight, or any other in the future, especially with magui around now. she could expect their ‘friends with complications’ relationship to finally come to an end after a few months shy of a year. she sighed deeply, pushing herself from the sink finally as she trudged to the bathroom door, heelings clicking against the hard tile. her palms were sweaty and slick against the cold metal bar as she pulled open the door.

her eyes instinctively searched for the tan brit, soon finding him leaning against the wall to the right of the door. his head was leaned back, eyes closed as he waited—she felt guilty, he must’ve been waiting for a while. she glanced over his attire, the navy shirt complimenting his skin, and the veins on his arms more prominent as ever. his curls were messy with sweat from all his partying, and his face was flushed red. his throat bobbed as he swallowed, a breath escaping his lips.

the door of the bathroom closed behind her, grabbing his attention and pulling it to where she stood. her arms were crossed against her chest, pushing her tits together in an insatiable visual. drunk thoughts ran wild in his head, the drinks getting to his brain as his eyes swept over her figure appreciatively—but also in concern.

he pushed himself from the wall, “you ‘kay?” he broke the silent tension between them—because there was music blasting in the back, it wasn’t truly silent.

she nodded simply, closing her eyes as she let out an exasperated sigh before opening them again to look at him, “yeah, think i’ll just get some fresh air ‘nd head home,” she told him as she started to walk past where he stood.

“do you want me to come with you?” he offered, following her through the club as she pushed past numerous bodies too occupied with the music.

“no, ‘s fine,” she mumbled, though she wasn’t sure he heard. besides, it wouldn’t look good for him to be seen with her while the post about magui is floating around social media. she didn't need to be painted as the side chick—she was there first anyways.

“are you sure?” he stopped her, grabbing the back of her arm with a firm grip, his palm hot against her skin as she sucked in a breath. she couldn't fold now, she wouldn't allow herself too, even if he was so caring, or appeared to be.

she shrugged his hand off her arm, ignoring the pang of hurt that flashed across his features as he retracted his hand to his pocket, “no, you just have fun, I'll get a cab home.”

with that, she turned and started walking away. she left him standing there, confusion on his face as he watched her figure slowly fade into the club, merging into the crowd as he lost sight of her. he stood there for a few moments longer before he felt an arm around his shoulders, tugging him back into the party atmosphere. he put on a face, taking whatever drink—non-alcoholic—was handed to him, but he couldn't help the unease that lingered in his tummy.

she pushed open the door of the club, feverishly pushing past the people that congregated by the entrance as the fresh air hit her like a splash of room temperature water. she wasn't sure it was any better than the stuffy, stale air that reeked throughout the club because of the sweaty bodies that came and went (literally). the air was warm, adding to the redness that blushed her features, and it was humid. she could feel the frizz in her hair already as strands stuck to her forehead and cheeks. she should’ve expected the air wasn’t going to be a cold splash against her feverishly flushed face, but at least it was better than the club air—she had decided.

she needed to get out of this heat—it was unbearable on top of all of the night’s events that she wished she could just drink away, and maybe she would. she knew the location of the nearest liquor store from where she stood, and she was about to up and walk there when she realized. other than the phone she clutched in her palm, she was empty-handed. she huffed out a breath when she remembered she had given lando her wallet to pocket for her. he still had it, and in it was some cash, cards and her id. she bit her tongue at the thought of having to go back in there—she considered it for a moment.

she couldn’t. she couldn’t bear the thought of facing him after shrugging him off. she couldn’t bear facing him when that flash of hurt cursed his flushed features was branded in her brain. she grimaced at the thought. maybe she had been a little harsh, but she felt it was somewhat justified.

he potentially had a girlfriend, and here he was, complimenting her, ghosting his hands over her waist and back, paying for her drinks.

“pretty girls shouldn’t ‘ave t’ pay for their own drinks,” he claimed after sliding his card across the bartop, calling out to the bartender to start a tab, and to put any drinks she ordered on his. she had tried to grab hold of his wrist; she didn’t want him to pay for her drinks when she was fully capable of doing it herself, but he only repeated his earlier claim.

“ ‘specially after spendin’ so much time dollin’ themselves up,” he only added to his statement before sliding a vodka cranberry across the bartop, “a drink to start the night.”

ultimately, she decided to ditch the idea of getting her wallet back. she would wait until the next time she saw him, or until he showed up on her doorstep like a lost puppy bearing a treasure. she pulled up the uber app on her phone, but frowned at the wait times. she ditched that idea too, opting to walk the way back to her apartment. her frown deepened, the creases more prominent as she glanced downwards at her heels. she could feel the blisters at the back of her feet begin to form and the aching muscle throughout. she glanced at the sidewalk next to it, the concrete not looking like the best thing to walk on barefooted.

she groaned under her breath, feeling the scratchy fabric of her dress clinging to her. her body itched and ached; she wanted nothing more than to peel this stupid dress from her body, or rather have lando do it for her. no, she couldn't think like that anymore. she couldn’t count on him to come to her rescue now—she was all alone again.

she had just began her walk, turning her back to the club as she trudged her heels across the sidewalk, the sound echoing into the night air. her head hung low as she focused her vision on her achy feet. she hadn’t gotten far when a sleek, black car had pulled into a parking spot just ahead of where she was currently walking. she squinted, her vision hazy which flashed memories in her mind when lando brought her to tears from how well he fucked her—took care of her, he stated the next morning.

she may not have been able to recognize the car through blurred vision, but she sure as hell recognized the driver—tanned skin, loose curls all messy and slightly sweaty, dark shirt with few too many buttons undone—lando.

her lips slightly parted in shock—partly because she didn’t believe it was him. maybe it was some random person who happened to look exactly like him, or it was her drunken imagination just wanting to see him—wanted it to be him.

she watched his blurry curls bounce ever so slightly as he walked towards her. her hazy vision coming into focus on him, only him. everything in her vision faded into the back of her mind as she only saw him. She couldn’t tell, but her pupils had dilated at the sight of him.

“c’mon, darlin’, let’s get you ‘ome,” he muttered as his hand ghosted down her back across her bare skin, goosebumps following at his fingers. thumb caressing the low of her back as he pushed her towards the open car door, just waiting for her. it was too inviting.

she felt the air conditioning leaking into the much warmer night air. she sighed at the feeling as she ducked into the car, his hand preventing her from bumping her head, “watch ‘ur head, love.” he cooed before kneeling down off the curb.

his hands touched her with a feather-like weight as he carefully slipped the heels from her feet, listening to the sigh of relief that spilled from her lips as he gently massaged her muscles before standing back up. he gave her a small, warm smile before closing the door again.

when he made his way back around the car, only then did he notice the gaggle of fans that had begun to gather, most holding phones that were probably recording. he brushed them off, smiling to a few as he then ducked into the car as well.

it wasn’t long before he had pulled out of the parking spot—that he did in a rush job and still did better than a certain resident ferrari driver. the drive was short, yet his hand slithered its way to her thigh, squeezing the fatty flesh under his palms subconsciously while his thumb caressed her skin.

his palm was hot against the fat of her thigh, burning into her skin as if their flesh would fuse together and he would be stuck to her until death—and after too. she wanted to shove his hand off because she felt his hands didn’t belong on her. it wasn’t right, but it sure as hell felt right. she was too exhausted anyway.

instead, she just leaned back in the seat as she watched the fuzzy night lights outside the window, that was cracked open, pass by in a blur. the breeze flew through her hair—it felt nice, refreshing.

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she fumbled with the key in her hand, having gotten her wallet and keychain back from the depths of lando’s pockets. he watched from behind her. amusement written into the creases of his face with a smug smile pulling at his lips. he watched her struggle before gently guiding her aside as he took the keys from her hands.

“‘ve got it, jus’ stand there and look pretty,” he muttered with a chuckle, effortlessly twisting the key in the knob before pushing the door open. his hand found her waist again as he supported her stumbled steps into her apartment. he dropped her keys and wallet into the little bowl by the door before walking her through the halls and into her bedroom.

he sat her on the bed, smirking at the disheveled state of her hair from it blowing in the night breeze before slipping into the bathroom. he reemerged with makeup wipes in hand to smear away her carefully constructed makeup routine.

his knee nudged hers aside as he stood between her legs, looking down at the heavy-lidded gaze that stared back at him. his free hand grasped her jaw tenderly as he tentatively wiped away her hard work, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. her eyes fluttered shut, and it tugged at his heartstrings. she looked so peaceful in his hands.

he hummed in satisfaction once her face was bare, slightly red underneath the slathered cosmetics. he dropped his grasp on her jaw, stepping back to the bathroom, but not before his eyes caught on the hamper in her room, hanging over the edge was his shirt. the shirt he had lost months ago, the shirt that he had asked her to look for because he was so sure that he left it at her place. she had it this whole time. his heart swelled at the thought she had been wearing it behind closed doors this whole time, the image in his mind of her in his clothes sent blood rushing through his body. his cheeks warmed, but he cleared his throat before walking back into the bathroom.

he came back to her slumped body on the bed, exhaustion written on her body as he walked back over to her. he could see her irritated skin under the dress, tsk’ing with the shake of his head. he grasped one of the straps between the pads of his fingers, hesitating.

he had no ill intention, he would never, but he knew she was sober enough to at least give him allowance to do it for her. his hand slipped across her cheek, his warm palm against her skin as he tilted her head to look at him.

“think you can change, or y’want me t’ do it?” he asked lowly, his thumb brushing her under-eyes, swiping away a fallen lash.

she hummed, a heavy exhale falling from her lips. she knew it was wrong to ask it of him, not knowing truly if he was off the market or not. regardless, she couldn’t deny the offer. it was lando, after all. “you do it,” her voice was laced with exhaustion.

with her confirmation, a lazy smirk found its way to his lips as his hand found its way around her waist, his fingers tenderly grasping the zipper of the dress before tugging it down slowly. his breath hitching in his throat at the gradual, increased exposure of the bare skin of her back. his eyes darted between the moles he had memorized, probably traced in a memory. he watched the straps fall from her shoulders, the curve of her bare shoulder was the first thing he set his eyes on. smoothness of her skin, interrupted by faint tan lines that made his heart warm—domestic almost—before his eyes reached the carved skin of her collarbone.

of course, she wasn't wearing a bra, he thought, but there was no maliciousness behind it—and it wasn't anything he hadn't seen before, but the circumstances were different. before the material fell from her chest, he stepped back to grab the shirt from the hamper; he knew it was unwashed, but another wear wouldn't hurt. it certainly wouldn't when it was his shirt. she raised her brow at his action.

he held the shirt in his hands, placing a hand on his chin in an exaggerated thinking pose as she looked at him funny, but it was quickly hidden with the shirt he shoved on her head. it sat over the dress as he pulled her arms through, and eventually pulling the dress down so she could finally lay back in bed.

he watched her crawl under her cover, a feeling tugged his heart, one that pumped blood to his brain with the thought ‘stay with her.’

but he couldn't—shouldn’t. this was strictly platonic—done a great job of that so far, hasn't he? he stood there, looking like an idiot as he muses the thought over in his head.

he sighed, taking a step towards the door. before he could even fully turn his back on her exhausted figure laying in bed, a muffled voice spoke sleepily from behind the covers.

“lando?”

his heart jumped in his chest as his entire body froze mid-walk. he bit his tongue, slowly turning his body to look where the voice originated from—right where he was going to leave her for the night.

“yeah?”

he cursed himself for his voice sounding strained—surprised. he licked his chapped lips, his mouth becoming dry as he waited for the words to leave her lips.

“can you stay?”

something in the tone of her voice made his heart wrench. for some reason, guilt riddled his body as soon as the slightly slurred words left her pretty lips.

“ ‘course,” he spoke, but it was raspy—hoarse. he cleared his throat, beginning to undo the remaining buttons on his shirt while he slipped off his shoes, “yeah, of course.”

he tossed the shirt mindlessly in the direction of the hamper, working on undoing his pants and kicking them aside. he walked with uncertainty to the side of the bed she hadn't been occupying. he stood hesitantly before peeling back the covers and slipping into the comfort that beckoned him in. despite the distance between them, he felt the heat radiating from her feverish, tipsy body.

he swallowed nervously, pulling the covers over him as he laid flat on his back awkwardly. poor guy didn't move an inch, he didn't want to risk doing anything she wouldn't have wanted him to—especially since she wasn't exactly sober.

his body tensed as he heard her stirring in bed, sheets ruffling and bed creaking under the shifting weight. his muscle remained still when he felt that weight distribute across his body. her warmth tangled his own as she laid halfway on his body, cheek pressed against his bicep and arm across his abdomen. he let out a strained, uneven breath, slowly relaxing under her body as he adjusted his position to comfort hers better.

he was nervous, they hadn't experienced this level of domesticity together in a long time. his palm became slick and his body was pulsating heat in waves as if it was trying to cool him off. he really couldn't play it cool. he stretched an arm around her shoulder, his fingers running down the drop of her shoulders in a comforting manner. he felt her warm breaths against his bare skin, noticing how they became shallow and even. her body relaxing against him, but he couldn’t. he laid on his back, tense.

it was going to be a long night.

she woke up the next morning to rapid knocks against the front door of her apartment. she groaned lowly as she turned over in bed, but the knocks still hasn’t faltered. she thought they would, but whoever it was was insistent on her presence. she opened her eyes but quickly clenched them shut, an arm instinctively going up to block the rays of light that her eyes had yet to adjust to. she sat up with a sniffle, her arm still shielding her eyes as she turned to look down at the covers beside her. they were ruffled, messed up as if someone had stayed the night—because someone had. her shoulders dropped with a groan as the remembrance of her asking lando to stay, but it seems to her that he had already left.

part of her was disappointed, but she expected it. she hadn’t even expected him to stay when she asked him to. he was just being nice, she told herself. He was just being a good friend. but even she didn’t believe herself.

maybe he just pitied her—yeah that’s surely it.

nonetheless, she had to get the door before the person on the other side would end up busting it down with their incessant knocking, and before her head would split open. the combination of loud raps against the door, eye-blinding sunlight into the room, and the soft, splitting pain through her head from her hangover that only seemed to worsen.

throwing her bedding off her body, she got up from the bed with a wince. her feet padded against the cold, wood tiled floors as she dragged her feet through her apartment. her palms rubbed against her tired eyes in an effort to wake her up even more before she would open the door, though she didn’t quite think it helped. regarding, she unlocked the lock on the handle, not knowing what to expect when she opened the door—and who she saw was the last person she would’ve thought to see.

her lips parted, and her eyes dilated as her heart grew fuzzy because standing in front of her was the familiar curly-haired brit that had come back. her eyes raked over her appearance—and vice versa—as she noticed the changed clothes, refreshed face, phone in one hand, and a plastic bag in the other. she stood in shock, jaw dropping more ever so slightly as she struggled to find what words to say—what to even begin with. thankfully, he spoke first.

“locked m’self out,” he said with a nervous chuckle, scratching the back of his neck with the hand that held his phone. his eyes shamelessly looked her over, appreciating the sight of her in his shirt—that she had yet to realize she was wearing.

she let out a huffed sigh, ignoring his words as her eyes falling to the bag in his hands with confusion, “lando, what is all that?” she questioned curiously, glancing back up to his face that followed her gaze to his—very nice—hands.

“sweets, mostly,” he said so nonchalantly, it made her tummy do a flip.

She pursed her lips, not fully understanding why he’d go out of his way to get things for her, “but why?”

“figured 's that time of the month.”

she scoffed, “first, rude," her tone straight-forward, which he responded to with a shrug and a look that said ‘debateable,’ "second, lando, 'm on the pill, remember? it was the first thing we talked about.”

“yeah, well, 'ur attitude was there, maybe 's there in spirit, 'right?" he raised his hands defensively, shaking his head with a smug smirk, "besides, you were pissy anyway so figured I might as well get y’somethin'.”

“you’re insufferable, lando,” she rolled her eyes dramatically.

she heard a breathless chuckle leave his lips and saw the smile that lingered as he looked at her in a way she couldn’t decipher, only knowing he’d looked at her like this plenty of times before. she felt her heart race, her palms becoming slick, and if she tried to speak, her words would surely be stuck in her throat.

“you love me.”

yeah, she does. he won't know though—can’t.

he peered into her apartment, forehead creasing with raised brows as he asks, "you gon' let me in, love?”

yeah, she is. she could never deny him, she could never shut him out—no matter how much she needed to. no matter how much she should, she would let him in again—a vicious, endless cycle that left her heart broken. it would crush at her glass heart until the shards turned to dust—she would let it happen. she would let him unknowingly crush her—the soft supple skin of her body—into a fine powder in his mortar and pestle—his rough, calloused hands.

his brows quirked up again, waiting for her answer as he watched her look at him like a deer in headlights. she stumbled with words, ultimately giving up as she stepped aside to let him in—again.

his eyes watched her closely, clear confusion indented into his skin as he stepped into the open kitchen. the bag rustled as he set it down on the counter before he turned and leaned against hit. he wore a shirt sleeve shirt—that bastard—so she had full view of his arms. she watched as they crossed against his chest, subconsciously flexing the muscles and veins under his skin.

the tension was thick, and the silence was awkward as she watched him closely—and he watched her just as, if not more, closely. his throat bobbed with a nervous swallow at the thought—more like sight—of her eyes on him. at least he knew she probably found him attractive.

“so, what's goin' on?" he spoke in a whisper, but so casually. his tone was gentle, but he seemed laid-back, nonchalant. maybe he couldn’t actually care about the answer to the question he asked, maybe he just wanted a segue into getting her back in her bed and under him. she feared she would let him—she really needs more self-respect.

she shrugged with a slight frown, her lower lip jutting out slightly, "nothing much, really," she answered back in that same whispery tone, "just dealing with a slight hangover-"

"y'know what i meant, love," he cut her off, which caused the frown on her face to deepen, "what's really goin' on, hm?"

she gulped, her face heating up at his bluntness—maybe he did care. as a friend, of course. right?

she stood in stunned silence as she mulled the words over in her head, trying to think of something that would satisfy what he needed to hear. should she be honest? no, the little voice in the back of her head shouted.

she watched his head tilt downwards slightly, as if saying ‘go on,’ when she hadn’t even answered him to begin with. the way his eyes looked through his lashes, brows slightly raised, she just wanted to spill the truth to him, to tell him every little thought and feeling and hurt she had been cycling through for months; she couldn’t.

she shrugged against, her posture matching his as she slid her arms over her chest. she felt the soft recognizable material under her skin, “nothing, lando, everything is fine.”

“bullshit.” his tone was harsh and blunt. He just wanted the truth.

she groaned, rolling her eyes as she fired back, “well, why do you even care? shouldn't you be off with your little girlfriend?”

that's it, that's what he wanted. she had just exposed herself with a simple sentence—she just showed she cared. she just showed that she was bothered by the fact that he was potentially taken—not hers.

“girlfriend?” his tone was laced with amusement and mockery, a smug smile plastered on his lips, “where’d y’hear that, darlin’?” his head tilt was lethal, as if urging her to spill her guts to him—she just might.

she stayed silent for a moment, trying to find the right phrasing to not give him what he was looking for, but he had her right where she wanted.

“there’s pictures all over social media, lando!” she threw her arms down to her sides with a slap that filled the room, frustration weaved into her words. fuck, she was this close to just breaking down to him, deconstructing everything she had built to keep him at an arms-length—but he was always within reach.

“really? you’re gon’ believe fan-made social media accounts? y’know you could’ve just asked me,” he told her, shaking his head as he pulled himself from the counter. his expression softly at the clear frustration that laced her nerves and muscles.

“well, y’never mentioned anything about it!” she was grasping at straws, anything for the upper hand—the upper hand she never had.

“because there wasn't anything to it,” his hands slipped into his pockets as he looked down on her, she watched his pupils dilated under his heavy-lidded gaze. His lips were slightly parted and she could see every crack of his chapped lips—she would force chapstick into his hand every time she saw him. “she’s jus’ a friend.”

“besides, the girl i want as my girlfriend,” he began—another shatter in her heart. A hand lifted to the side of her face, fingers grazing against her skin as he brushed stray hairs from her face, “is right in front of me.”

his voice was hushed, words only meant for her—even if they were the only people in the apartment. the hand that hovered over the side of her face—that had pushed back the stray strands that would later be stuck to her skin—pressed against her cheek. his thumb dragged back and forth over her textured face—he had never seen anyone more pretty. his palm was hot against her face—burning like it had done her thigh, but it felt right. it felt right—it was right.

it felt right as his lips tentatively pressed against hers, cracked lips against her plush pink lips as his hand slid across her cheek into her hand. it felt right to have him now—because it was.

—

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