#and even that was only 6 days of vacation out of the country. because anything more would be too expensive

[robinsnest2111]

I was today years old when I learned you can use vacation days to pad out your meager paycheck if you worked very few days that month

[doing-swell]

If you were given the opportunity to experience your dream pregnancy, what would it look like? How many would you like to experience carrying at once? How big of a bump, your boobs and butt would you like to have? What other aspects would fulfill your dream pregnancy?

This has been sitting in my inbox for so long because I’m simply overwhelmed with how to answer it!!

It would have to be twins. Twin girls to be exact! I have a sister close in age with me and I’ve always wanted that with my kids.

I also would be HUGE. My belly should be giant, showing really early and and everyone shocked by how big I am. I want to go out in public all the time, making sure to get the attention of everyone with my wide gait and waddle.

Think this big at only 6 months:

My tits. I need them to be even bigger than they are now, my nipples getting darker by the day. Constantly aching due to the amount of milk I’m supplying for my babies. Veiny. Leaky. Spilling out of every bra I own. So fucking sensitive, nipples hardened at a gust of wind.

And in terms of my life itself. If this is a real fantasy, I want to be filthy fucking rich. On an estate somewhere, every chore done for me and no need to do anything but grow my giant babies. Food catered to me at all times, the coziest and best sheets and lingerie, and an endless vacation of getting bigger and more swollen by the day. Mirrors everywhere on the estate so I can see my body’s transformation.

The birth? On the estate of course, with a team of the best midwives and doulas in the country. Low and comfortable lighting, and my favorite music playing with the babies’ daddy guiding me through each contraction. I do it on my rules, when the time is right, and completely natural. I want to feel both babies lower into my pelvis and I want to scream and groan and sweat while I push. I want to be bathed of and taken care of and told I’m doing such a good job pushing out these babies. So strong and so naturally feminine, tits getting pumped to increase the contraction’s intensity.

But that’s only the first pregnancy. The next time I want to do something completely different. Something less comfortable, with stirrups on a creaky hospital bed. I have my entire life to act out and experience every fantasy I’ve ever had… Isn’t that beautiful?

Is that enough of a visualization 😚✨

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

When Valentine Low broke the news of M bullying the Palace staffs, she immediately barked back saying this is a smear campaign against her. Now the Hollywood Reporter asked for their comments before they release their article and she had no comments on it.

So she's only brave enough to demean and thrash the UK staffs? Doesn't dare to say anything against their American staffs huh? Why does she do that RTA?

She can pass off bullying the Brits as xenophobia (they hate her because she’s a foreigner) and cultural differences. Remember, Meghan’s whole clapback to the British bullying allegations is that she’s a go-getter American and that work ethic contrasts with British work culture*. She can get away with that in the UK because she’s hedging her bets that the majority of people have never worked with Americans or know Americans personally and thus think she’s telling the truth.

*But even that’s not a solid defense for her. I’m reminded of a story - it’s either from Low or Bower, but maybe Spare? - where Meghan strolled into the KP offices late in the morning and announced that she brought bagels for breakfast. No one reacted and the staff felt it was actually tone-deaf of her to stroll in at 11 announcing breakfast when they’d been working for a few hours already. So right away, Meghan’s claims that she’s a go-getter American boss are debunked because no one who calls herself a go-getter is delaying her arrival to the office by 5-6 hours so she can do yoga and talk to her friends back home in California - as claimed in Finding Freedom.

She can���t do that here because we’ll call it out for the bullshit it is, because we all know better and we know the difference between the go-getter American boss babe Meghan wants us to think she is and the toxic narcissist boss dick she actually is. Meghan wants us to think she’s Miranda Priestly with the charm of Leslie Knope but she’s really just Mr. Burns dressed up as Jan Levinson.

For the record, American work ethic actually comes from the Puritans: it’s working hard all day every day to pull yourself up by the bootstraps but when the workday ends, the workday ends. It’s why we have shit maternity/parental leave and have practically no vacation time (compared to other countries) - because the Puritans sucked the fun out of everything and then when the class divide happened during the Industrial Revolution, the rich got richer, the poor got poorer, and everyone developed the mindset of “well, it was like that for me and I persevered so why should I make it better for you?” (Which, by the way, is 1-the main debate today over welfare programs and 2-why the ‘rags to riches’/Cinderella story works so well here, for any non-Americans here.)

Well, that was a very-so-far-off-the-road-we-can’t-see-it-anymore tangent.

Anyway. Getting back to the point. Which is that all the excuses Meghan gave to justify, or blame others for, her behavior in the UK doesn’t work here. She knows it and she’s stuck. That’s why she isn’t talking. Her whole game is over when the Americans start talking because while we don’t always get along, one of the very few things that all Americans agree on is bad bosses suck and rude celebrities that bully everyone are the worst.

Now, where’s my Swingline red stapler? And why couldn’t Dolly sing 10-3?

[little-cereal-draws]

Some sad Ballister and money headcanons

pt 1? maybe?

Ballister has a very complicated relationship to money

Growing up poor, the threat of not having basic things like a home, food, or other necessities hung heavy over his head. He might not have understood the full scope of it, but he was a smart kid and understood enough to feel its affects

He didn't have nice toys, his clothes were full of holes, their meals were small. He knew other families had more, he would see them walking down the street, but knew that wasn't for him or his family

He wouldn't ask for ice cream in the summer, wouldn't complain when they ate the same stew for dinner every day for a week because that's all there was, never cried or whined the few times he asked for something and was told "no"

It bled into guilt. When his mom offered to cut his hair one summer when he was sweating up a storm, he said no. He didn't want to bother her; she already was so busy and stressed. She assured him that it would take five minutes and wouldn't cost anything but still he refused

Or one fall, he helped a neighbor fix his heater (he held the tools) and got paid $10. He was so excited; this was money all for himself! His first thought was to give it to his parents because he knew how much they needed it but this was his money. He bought himself a sandwich for $6. The rest of it he gave to his parents. They didn't want to take it from him but he insisted and eventually they gave in

That night, he cried. He wanted to help, he knew how much they needed the money and how hard his parents worked, and he had selfishly spent over half of it on a single meal. $10 would have been much more helpful than $4 but he just had to treat himself, didn't he? He knew those fancy, expensive foods weren't for him but he bought it anyway

It was around this time that he decided he wanted to be a knight. They were so brave and strong and helped so many more people than he could. And they probably got paid pretty well, their armor was always so shiny

So he would pick up any odd jobs people could give to a kid (walking someone's dog, watering their plants while they were away, sorting recycling from garbage, etc) while dreaming about being a knight. The jobs only paid somewhere between $5 - $10 but it wasn't about the money. He was a hero of the realm and they only needed the safety of their people to be satisfied

But he would go home and count every dollar before he went to bed

When the Queen offered to keep him at the Institute and train him to be a knight, neither him nor his family could believe what they were hearing. There was some back and forth about what this would mean but ultimately, they let him go. He would have food, shelter, stability and all the things they couldn't provide

Joining the Institute was very overwhelming for many reasons but Balister did have to say he did enjoy not worrying about money all the time. He never had to worry about if the lights would shut off or where his next meal would come from. He didn't have to budget his few dollars and didn't feel guilty for wanting things. The other kids had so much stuff, surely he could have some too

This... wasn't totally true. Even though his life was more stable now, he still didn't have the latest sneakers or stories about long vacations to country houses or anything else that these kids had. He tried to ignore it but it was a glaring middle finger to the face every time someone casually mentioned their new pet pony or other ridiculous bullshit

The first few years of his training were fine, they were all using fake swords with plastic armor on straw dummies. But as he reached his teen years and training got more serious, he realized he was going to be left behind again

The Institute and the Queen did provide some things for him but it turns out that most of those kids' families provided their knight equipment for them. Ballister's family would be expected to do the same and he knew there was no way that was going to happen. He had come here to make his dreams a reality but if he had to choose between his future or his family starving/being homeless because all their money went to his armor, he would go home in a heartbeat. It would kill him but, in his heart, he knew it's what he would do

So he went to class everyday with only a sword that wasn't his. Ambrosius gave him a sword when he first got to the Institute and saw he didn't have one. At the time he was thrilled but told him he couldn't accept it, Ambrosius needed it. The blond boy had simply shrugged and said "You can keep it, I have a whole bunch." He was ecstatic to finally get a real-life sword but now it was a reminder that these other kids could trade these thousand dollar weapons like baseball cards. The monetary value meant nothing to them

Despite having a sword already, he didn't have any armor and got his ass handed to him so many times. Turns out having protection against people thrusting blades at you was important. Todd and the other knights made of him mercilessly but he would just have to endure it because there was no way in hell he was going to tell his parents he needed equipment. He was going to have to deal with it himself

At first the Director wanted him to stop training until he was able to afford armor but he begged her to keep going. He got really good at blocking attacks, because if he didn't, he would get hurt, but he knew it wasn't enough

It was nearly impossible because training took all day and then left him dog-tired but he started picking up odd jobs on the weekends again. People paid much better in the wealthier neighborhoods and he could get quite a decent sum for cleaning someone's gutter or mowing their lawn. It was embarrassing that he had to do this while the other kids could relax but it was worth it to not be covered in bandages all the time

He had saved halfway to his goal when he got seriously hurt. Sparing gone wrong, he fell for a fake-out right move and got slashed across his left side. It was bleeding a lot and he was whisked away to the informatory. After he got stitched up, the Queen came to see him. He hadn't expected her but apparently the accident was big enough to reach her

She asked him how this happened and embarrassedly, he admitted he wasn't wearing armor during practice. She was shocked and asked "why in the world not???" After a moment debate, he admitted that he didn't have any. That opened the floodgates, and everything came pouring out. He was ashamed that he got hurt, he was embarrassed he didn't have armor, he was guilty that he didn't ask for help, he was stressed that his parents would help him at their own expense, he was tired from spending every second he wasn't in class working

The Queen comforted him, letting him cry on her shoulder and combing his hair. It only added to his shame, this was no way for anyone to be treating the QUEEN. He pulled away and then the unspeakable happened. She offered to buy him a suit of armor. He sputtered, trying to refuse it, or at least let him pay for the part he had money for but she refused to negotiate. It was unacceptable that one of her knight cadets was left without the basic equipment required to succeed, that the Director did nothing to fix the problem, and that the environment of the Institiute made Balister feel too ashamed to ask for help and got him seriously injured

She bought him his thick black armor and the first day he wore it to class, he couldn't stop grinning. He beat the shit out of everybody who dared spar with him

Time went on and Ballister's armor got chipped and dented but he never wanted to buy a new pair like all his classmates in their shiny chest plates. This armor was old but it was his, he was allowed to have this

[mcuntainbcrn]

//wow - i never intended to be gone this long, but i think the real weight of everything that happened over the last 8 months hit me like a freight train

to not go into excessive detail, someone i had known and been friends with for over a decade made a post about how their then landlord had assaulted (hit) them and that their living situation was no longer safe - i had a spare room, and offered it to them and their husband, letting them know that the most i could give them was 6-12 months at most due to a special assessment that would most likely leave my condominium condemned.

i never charged them any rent, as i wanted them to build their savings for their goal of returning to the husband’s country on a spousal visa, with the only four rules being that they be actively working or seeking employment, that my space is respected, that they respect my cat’s boundaries and they keep their space clean; within three weeks of moving them in, i contracted covid and during a night i was just trying to find a position to sleep in on my easy chair, they threw a bag of cough drops at my head.

realistically, i should have made them leave right then and there…but i was sick, and too exhausted to really process what they had done; this was just the tip of the iceberg of what wound up to be months of mental and emotional abuse that escalated to the point we no longer spoke (by their request - saying they would approach me when they were ready to talk) and i no longer felt safe sleeping in my own home; after what happened to my dad and grandpa simultaneously, i moved myself and my cat out - that’s right, i left my own home because i just couldn’t take it anymore.

after a month of being back at my parents, i had enough, and gave them a 60 day notice to vacate - more than enough time to find somewhere else to go; during this time, my property management was finally addressing a massive leak that had blown out part of my guest bathroom’s ceiling and wall, and had the audacity to lock the door behind them so no randos could waltz inside in my absence…i only found this out when, after months of no communication from them, i was threatened with a call to the police if i didn’t unlock the door for them - i had no idea they’d even gone anywhere, but i digress…i drove an hour and a half and let them back in (stupid, i know) and left.

the next time i was by, they had taped up my doorknobs so the key couldn’t be used and taped notes everywhere about how they had to be consulted to move anything of theirs in my guest bathroom and that i had no authority.

i thought things really couldn’t get any worse, but they did - my mom decided to go by and remind them of their vacate date and to offer to pay for a moving truck for them…and no sooner had she arrived, then they got in her face, screamed at her that she had no right to be there and that they was going to spread my mom’s image everywhere while thrusting a phone so hard in my mom’s face she actually thought they were going to hit her - their husband did nothing during all this and remained silent.

we had to get lawyers and the police involved…it was ugly, and i hate that this has made me question their story about their former landlord and wonder if the reality is that they prodded and pushed and harassed them until they snapped.

at any rate, they finally left, i’ve gone no contact with them, i’m back in my condo and i don’t feel comfortable living here anymore and have every intention to sell it when i have new accommodations arranged and the overwhelm of it all has left me laid out creatively; all that to say, i’ll be on and get out everything i owe tonight and putting out a starter call and prompts tomorrow

tl;dr? my life went to shit, i’m still recovering from my decades long friendship imploding, and i miss writing…so i’m back

[it-begins-with-rain]

Hello lovely,

I have a question for you about American (work)culture.

What the fuck are sick days and how can you run out of them? How manny days do you get? What if your out of days and still sick? What happens when you don't use them all up? Do you need a doctors note? Or can you use them to go on a litlle vacation?

That was more then one question, but i'm very confusse about the concept. You are the only American I know, so you get my questions ;)

I'm going to post this openly, just to see if others can help answer. I'm a contract worker (technically part-time at one job, but they treat us as contractors), so I actually don't get any sick time at all, ever. That's something that only salary workers- to my knowledge- can have. So most of my answer is just what I'm aware the policies are at places I have worked for those on staff.

Because contract workers don't get paid if they don't work, you end up having a lot of very sick people working when they shouldn't. During COVID the policy at work was *literally* "If we like you and you get COVID, you'll still be paid for what you would have worked. Don't tell anyone else about this policy because if we don't like them, we don't want them thinking they'll get paid." (three of us were on the 'we like you' list, and it was literally just who the department director liked, not based on quality of work or what you do).

I do know that where I work, the people on staff don't get specifically sick-days, they get "paid time off", which in other companies is usually a wholly separate thing (but where I am, they're lumped together). In other places it's usually like, if you work overtime and they don't want to pay you for that, they turn those hours into extra time you can take off. So if you work 3 hours overtime, you can leave 3 hours early another day.

Typically if you run out of sick days, I think you're just SOL (shit out of luck), unless your company has a separate thing you can kind of apply for. A lot of companies straight up don't care, and after a certain amount of time, they'll fire you. That happens a lot where I live.

**I should say at some point, I work in a state that is ranked as one of the most employee-hostile in the country. The laws will be different state to state.**

Some require doctor's notes if you use sick days, some don't.

If you don't use sick days or paid time off by the end of the year, some places let you roll them into the next year. Other places will figure out what your average daily pay is and give you that as a "bonus" for not using your sick/leave time. Sometimes you can roll it over up to a certain number of days (like, you get 6 sick days a year, maximum of 12 if you aren't sick and those days keep collecting year to year).

My father was in the military for 20 years and only took sick days if he absolutely could not function (I don't remember him taking them more than like one the day of a surgery, he was even back at work the next day). That was because the military rolled over sick days year after year, no expiration or maximum. So when he left the military, we moved away, and he was still paid as a full-time soldier for 4 months, he'd built up so much sick time.

Again, I work in one of the absolute worst states it is possible to work in. Someone literally died at an Amazon facility and the governor had people from the labor board go and help the people at Amazon fill out the reports to file so they wouldn't be penalized.

I work in a state that literally prioritizes companies over dead employees.

**I should also say that rules around sick days and such- if there is a Union protecting an employee, that kind of stuff will be included in the contract, so it isn't even necessarily a matter of state law at that point, it's a matter of what the Union has secured for people.

If anyone has anything to add, go for it!

[ofwings]

Genuine question, do you actually like Houston or is it just your hometown?

it's a bit more nuanced than that tbh. i understand why it's losing that poll - it's an absolutely massive car-central sprawl where driving on the freeway feels like you're in mad max, it's hot and humid, there's no real seasons, and what used to be a 100 year flood is now an every other year flood. like many blue cities in the south, you're still stuck dealing with the whims of whatever republican pieces of shit that run your state come up with; i've been trying to get rid of them in texas my entire life, so every time this is used as a dunk i just feel tired. because houston is so much more than that.

it's the most diverse city in the country. there are people from everywhere, from all classes and walks of life, and they bring their culture and hopes and dreams with them, and it makes houston incredibly unique under the surface. you can get viet-cajun fusion food anywhere from a strip mall to fine dining. everyone has tamales for christmas. you can get jerk chicken from the same restaurant that you get authentic indian food. street signs are in 3 different languages, and those languages change depending on what part of town you're in. on the street i grew up on in a working class suburb, my family was the only white family - i had neighbors from the philippines and ghana, cajuns from louisiana that grew up speaking french, and a mexican family whose kids grew up my siblings' friends. my teachers in elementary and middle school were vietnamese nuns, who now get celebrated every time they go to astros games (sr. mary catherine, who throws the first pitch, was my math teacher in middle school)!

i once had my alternator die in the middle of a major intersection near downtown houston, just completely killed my car; my emergency lights wouldn't even come on it was so dead. in the hour span i was stuck there, i had 5-6 different groups of people stop and try to help me - a businessman with a suit and tie and cowboy boots, a mom with her kids in the car with her, a guy with a slab and swangas, a car full of construction workers and neither of us spoke each other's language but they helped me push my car to a parking lot anyway. i've had people help me change flat tires, jump my car, push it out of the road, and i've stopped to do all of that for people too. it's a big city, but there's a level of trust and friendliness among people in a bind there that i've never seen anywhere else i've lived. you'll never eat a meal alone, you'll never be lost. strangers will talk to you everywhere you go, especially if they can sense you're having a bad day. people are friendly and helpful and they will shatter your preconceived notions about who they are or where they're from.

houston isn't a tourist town- i get it, i can't imagine why someone would want to vacation there. and full disclosure, i moved away 5 years ago and now live in a smaller city that feels more comfortable to me in terms of scale. but i strongly believe that growing up somewhere so friendly, so proud of its diversity and so strengthened by it, so different from where the places where the rest of my extended family grew up - i don't think i'd be the same person i am now if i'd lived somewhere else. growing up in an environment where you're exposed to so many different people, so many different cultures, and they're all fundamentally your neighbors? i really believe that makes a difference and makes much more well rounded, compassionate, thoughtful citizens. i wouldn't trade the 28 years i spent there for anything.

also if you have access to watch parts unknown with anthony bourdain, he did an amazing episode on houston. even just the opening minute captures so much:

[a-mag-a-day]

MAG 48 - apple cutting

Did someone say anchor statement???

"I’d pick up travelling companions for a few days here and there, but for the most part I would spend weeks without speaking my own language." - As someone from East/Central Europe with a bunch of US friends I talked about this a lot and how it affects us. Like the US is huge, but in every state they will speak your language. In Europe I can drive 100 north, boom, Czech. 250 km to the south, boom, Slovenian. 300 km south, Italian. 300 km east, Hungarian. 300 km southeast, Serbocroatian… Only big brother Germany is convenient xD And trust me, there are so, sooo many people who really can't speak English in Europe. There was a study not long ago which claimed that Austria was the second best European country regarding being able to speak English (Number 1 was the Netherlands, if I remember correctly) and I was shocked, like "How bad is it in other countries then because Austrians are shit when it comes to English."

"Obviously, I couldn’t do another four months, but I figured that just the one would let me revisit my favorite spots in the south – Slovenia, Switzerland, Bavaria, Italy, maybe Monaco or bits of southern France." - Wow, wonderfully left out the obvious space of Austria there, I'm heartbroken (jk, I know Austria gets full attention in two statements).

Somehow, now hearing a British person talking about travel in Italy I can't think of anything other than James May, our man in Italy! XD

Last year for vacation I was in Italy in September as well. It's really perfect, school has started again so you're off-season and the weather is still super warm or even hot.

"He was pale, scrawny almost, and looked utterly out of place. His loose, bright shirt was in stark contrast to his long, black hair." - Gerry!

"He was staring at me with an air of concentration. Like he was trying to read something written very small on my forehead." - Hahahaha, I imagine him squinting at Andrea Nuniz with a puzzled look on his face XD

"what he wanted was to have a nice holiday in peace. He said it in a really accusatory way, like I was ruining his holiday somehow, and I said so. He sighed and said that he wasn’t in the business of helping strays" - very subtle static there. Also I just wanna say that I love Gerry. Good-hearted characters are often described as Golden Retrievers, which doesn't really fit him very well, so I'd say he's that stray dog that pretends they don't care but is actually really friendly and kind.

"Was I married? Did I have a fiance, partner, friends? I told him no, not really. I was just about sick of his stupid questions, but he sounded oddly desperate. Siblings? No." - Desperately scrambling for an anchor to save that poor traveller's life.

"Mother? Of course I had a mother." - lol

"As I left, I heard him call after me, telling me to remember my mother, to keep her face in my mind." - anchor, anchor, anchor!

"My first move was to try and locate that street market he’d mentioned. Perhaps it wasn’t just hidden away, perhaps it had been actually illegal, and he’d gotten caught up in something he shouldn’t have." - Well good idea going to look for him on your own, I guess?…

"My first move was to try and locate that street market he’d mentioned. Perhaps it wasn’t just hidden away, perhaps it had been actually illegal, and he’d gotten caught up in something he shouldn’t have." - Good job, Jon!

"She’s been doing her work with the same diligence as before the Prentiss incident" - I think it's hilarious that the Not!Them had to work an office job for about 6 to 7 months XD

Oh yes, ending with a wonderful scene about evidence of Jon getting more and more unhinged. Great comedy! On my first listen I really didn't expect Elias to be the big bad at this point, just a normal corporate asshole. I actually thought Martin was kinda sus, disappearing into the tunnel during the Prentiss attack, finding Gertrude's body, the letter to his mother etc. Not in a bad way sus, I just thought he would definitely be more involved than it seems.

He was a lot more involved in the end

[pinkremedy2515]

Recap and present intro

I’m in junior year now, and i just went back and read all my previous posts, a measly 7 by the way. Apparently they’re from 2022 and onwards if i inferred correctly. Which mean it hasn’t even been that long, huh.

I decided to be just a little more organized about the posts now because i almost had an aneurysm trying to read the last one. That’s almost a year and a half old, huh…

So quick recap of what you, the grateful inquisitive audience, missed; 1. I did my o levels,

2. discovered i was moving from the city i grew up in for my whole life,

3. went on summer vacation,

4. dyed half of my hair hot pink in a show of teenage impulsivity (although it was a thorough meticulous decision),

5. got all A*s on my o levels, missed a rank by 5 marks (or was that 7 marks…)

6. Got stuck in my home city and delayed the move because my dad’s employer decided to be an ass about my dad moving,

7. finally moved in the September of 2023, and moved to the capital city of my country from my beachside home city ( I know it sounds all Hollywood having to move in the middle of high school especially into the ‘BIG CITY’ but i was far from ‘a fish out of water’ I just hate this place)

8. Moved into a small ass apartment, that is a fraction of the size of our previous house, and my room is as small as it is legally allowed to make a bedroom (i know because I searched it up) while my older sister gets to have a much larger room with a balcony too because i lost a coin toss that i suggested to conduct.

9. Broke off a friendship that was nearly a decade old, and really I don’t even know what to make of it

10. almost instantly made friends with the girls in my new class, and made almost all the teachers hate me within the first month if I’m to wrong. This little trope suggests that i am the cool rule breaking type, but let me assure you i am not. The teachers hate me for no good reason, but it doesn’t really matter cause they fucking suck too and i hate them just as much if not more. Although I am in the stem subjects (bio, chem, physics and math) and my science head hates me so I don’t really feel the best about her having direct control of my gpa, but what can a girl do

11. Almost forgot, i went to my cousins wedding halfway across the world, spent buckets of money on the tickets and the dresses cause it was during Christmas, only to look god damn hideous because only divine intervention can help me look anything above perfectly mediocre and average,

12. And ive lost all hope and motivation for my as level, because due to the above mentioned vacation I ended up missing a shit tonne of the syllabus being taught and the teachers didn’t like me enough to reteach me the bits i missed, so i had to haul my ass all the way through my mocks, which i barely passed, and all the way to where i am now.

13. Turned 17 about 2 and a half weeks ago and felt nothing but despair for having reached that age, not because its almost as cliche as 16 but rather because I don’t look forward to the future anymore

SO HERE WE ARE~

Present day me, who just finished bombing her math and mechanics as papers on the first week of may, and i now have exactly 3 days till the next slew of exams which involve three exams in 3 consecutive days, and i really am not as prepared as I should be but I can’t seem to find it in me to haul my ass through it because i freak out and get stressed and end up doing nothing.

I’m very different from last year in that regard, i used to be at the top of my class and aced my subjects and here i am now, barely even passing and standing at the very bottom of what used to be my academic career but is now a wide yawning chasm. I hope to not fuck up everything completely, and just get an A on my AS levels, a passing A would do as well. I really hope god up there is feeling sympathetic to a pathetic stupid teenage girl who is trying to try her best.

I’ve been raised and am at an economic level that has me comfortable but the only future for me is one i make myself; through my academics and hard work, so I am fully aware what’s at stake here but im giving up on myself. The me who fought died one day and I didn’t even have a warning. No heads up, no 2 week notice, and definitely no replacement hired. The worst bit was i spent the whole summer studying and planning to make this the best and most productive year, but all my effort lead to absolutely nothing, and it would be a lie to say my spirit I entirely crushed to smithereens and i feel that i am teetering on the brink of what might be a depressive slump.

It’s currently 2:24 am on the 11th of May as I type this, and I should either be asleep or doing the past paper thats been squished under my iPad-laptop. i might not post this just immediately so the timing probably wont add up. Although im not sure tumblr has a time format or info bit for the posts anyway, at least not from what ive seen.

I missed out on a bunch of other things that happened to me along the way, and a bunch of stuff that’s happening now. But i felt a little encouraged to post because one of my previous posts had a singular like, which may have been an accident and even if it wasn’t, that person probably wont find my blog (if you can call it that) again because they don’t follow me :// which sucks a bit but whatever. Maybe I should take the initiative and follow them… maybe i might…

Anyway ill probably conclude this essay of a post now, but one last thing, i feel the need to change the color scheme and vibe of the whole account again, so ill probably do that in the morning after i wake up and have two consecutive tutoring sessions that make me want to reap my own soul :D

Byyyyeeeee to the worlds quietest audience :)

[ebdanon]

Hey Allie, sorry I'm so late with this I caught a cold and basically passed out when I got back home yesterday. I'm feeling a bit better now, so here's the wedding lore. I don't remember some chunks of it because it was downright traumatic so I apologize for any gaps. (part 1)

My husband ordered a ring during the pandemic. As soon as it arrived he told me about it and made me look away while he tried putting it on my finger to check if it fits (no one knows this btw). He told his parents he got a ring and how they should start preparing for a wedding. He told me he was not proposing until we moved out of our hometown (we both lived with our parents - it's normal in our culture) because he didn't want me to deal with the crazy in his house. A year and a half later, we had moved out and he proposed 6 months into our living together. We'd booked a vacation and were leaving the morning after he proposed. However, when we shared with our parents where we were going and when, my parents made sure to book a vacation around the same time, in the same location, in a hotel 20 minutes away from ours. And so the drama began. Engaged, we called parents and siblings, and since my parents were already on their vacation, they promised to visit our hotel once we arrived the next day to congratulate us in person, which I asked them not to do as we would be exhausted. This made my husband's parents upset, and they created a whole conspiracy that my parents knew about the proposal ahead of time, which is why they booked that vacation there. Even though they knew about the ring a year and a half in advance, they found a reason to be upset. So the trip takes around 8 hours but it's during the night so when we get there, we just eat and crash in our room. To our surprise, the front desk woke us up with a phone call a couple of hours later saying we had "guests in the lobby", which were, of course, my parents. They were on a video call with my soon-to-be-in-laws, showing us entering the lobby, and then giving us gifts, and showing the ring. They spent about an hour with us and went back to their hotel and thank god, we didn't see each other again until the plane ride back to our country. Now, COVID was still a bit of a thing back then, but many people had stopped caring, including my parents. On the plane, my husband and I were the only ones with masks on. But I'm getting ahead of myself. For that week-long vacation that we took after years of being locked up at home to protect ourselves and our families (we still got COVID 4 months before the engagement, from a coworker who refused to isolate or wear a mask), we were bombarded with phone calls from both sets of parents and the grandparents about "what we were planning on doing about the wedding". To every question, the answer was "We plan on relaxing during the first vacation in three years, stop asking" which no one respected. The situation started escalating as our parents started calling each other trying to figure out who knows/knew what, and to push their own wedding ideas on the others. It blew up when I got a call from my sister a couple of days in, saying my narcissistic grandma booked a church for me. This woman went to the church, picked out a time and date, and put only MY name down because she didn't know my in-laws or anything. The date she chose worked for her, as her son would be in town. What she didn't know was that her son was already scheduled to attend a wedding on that date. This woman also managed to somehow find my MIL's phone number, call her, and also tell her the church was handled, which of course set her off, so she called me and just said "Handle your grandmother" and hung up. What my husband and I learned later, after chatting to his sister, was that my dad actually asked his mom to do all that shit. Our parents had also been going back and forth on the guests they were going to be inviting, and wanted to outdo each other. So when we learned all this, we called up everyone and told them there would be no wedding, there would be nothing, we would just get a marriage certificate and be done with it because they were out of control. They calmed down for all of two days, and by that time we were on the way back home.

hi bitey sorry im just getting to this now work is rough today :/ will post my full response to part 2 hehe

[lostinatrainofthoughts]

Girlies im here to update on my tinder adventures. i had my 2nd call with another tinder dude. It lasted two hours 😃

Hes okay! But maybe i am picky dear Allah please so help me but theres just something about him that gives me the ick. Well not ick but like eh... he might not be the one.

heavy smoker: wont smoke in front of me out of courtesy but doesnt believe the science that inhaling toxin can legit kill you all bcause his grandma whos also a heavy smoker died of something else and not cancer. Like he doesnt care about the consequences at all.

2. privileged af and so ignorant about it: hes travelled once for a month last dec and will be traveling again THRICE this yr and he thinks that going for umrah is not a vacation/“travelling” bc its a spiritual journey like do you hear yourself and how in your bubble you are. Anything thats going out of the country for something thats not work AND going for a peace of mind is VACATION. his mom shops for branded stuff and he gets bored waiting around and sitting inside the store. Like some of us wouldnt even dream of stepping in. and i told him honestly, do you know how privileged you sound (entitled actually) and he said what do you mean?? and I'm like most people don't get to experience going out like that. and he was like yeah I'm thankful, grateful. mmm......

3. mansplainer (biggest ICK): he said hed bring me outdoors and i told him i cant and i dont like it and he said that he will force me but will bring an umbrella. Then i told him i have eczema and he gaslit me saying IT CANT BE THAT BAD. HIS EX HAD IT WORSE IT WAS SEVERE And i was so pissed. And so i said. Well. I had been admitted three fucking times for it and was on 4 different medications for it and going to biweekly appointments and blood tests and so i said im SURE. CERTAIN that i have it MUCH WORSE than your ex. he did not spare me a breath and came up with his own conclusion. also he says that eczema HAS A CURE. HES CERTAIN OF IT. bc he's saw it in his ex. and I'm like ............................ i had it since i was a baby. the fuck you mean there's a cure. there are treatments for it okay but not cure. i hate when people who don't have eczema say nonsense like that.

Which brings me to point no. 3: religious. Nothing nothing NOTHING wrong with someone who’s religious, i am a practicing muslim. I pray 5 times a day and i value my relationship with god too. But what i dont like is how he pushes his personal religious values or agenda onto me like i dont know shit. Your relationship with god, and my relationship with god is no ones business, its your own so dont try to police how i do it with god. Like i told him i “had” to quickly pray before calling him. And he stopped me saying i shouldnt say “had to” bc that would mean being forced/its an obligation so i have to change that bc “context is everything”. Like its something to fix. i really HAD to make it quick or else i wouldnt know what time i'd be praying.

4. With that being said, he is also homo/phobic..................... well yes and no? i don't know. he said he doesn't want to talk about it bc its controversial and he is against t/rans ppl and its changing the essence of what god has created for you. i just don't like that argument because . if there's one thing you cant change about me, it's my morals.

5. hes so into himself that he was basically pitching himself like a project. but ok, its my fault, i asked. but was there any reciprocation? did he ask me back about me? not really. i found myself having to jump in and add in what i had to say. he would say things like, I've been through a lot, you have no idea. and I'm like don't we all??? you arent the only one whos experienced the lows of life. you arent the only one who had a hard time.

6. his approaching his 30s and he treats me like I'm a kid bc I'm 26? "oh huwaina you still so young. when the pandemic hit, it was like 3 fucking years of my youth taken away from me now I'm almost 30" and i jumped in and said like "yeah me too" and he was like "no, I've already reached 30, there's no more 20s for me but you do. you still have time to experience things and enjoy life. i was 21, 22, 23 when covid happened i felt like i didn't experience the life i was supposed to at my early 20s. also does life end at 30 ladies and gents? he keeps telling me how gen z i am, and I'm like okay????????????

7. HES NOT GOOD LOOKING IM SORRY I SWIPED BC HE SEEMED LIKE HE HAD PERSONALITY 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

[nukeynunu]

What Germany (and possibly others) can learn from Singapore

Hey, it's me. I'm on vacation in Singapore rn and totally loving it. I'll be sad, when I have to go home. Not only is my vacation over, but I loose huge benefits the traffic solutions here come with.

Public transport here is the best and inexpensive I've ever expierienced.

Wanna go anywhere in the city? Just use the MRT or bus. You will get anywhere! Also the city is pretty walkable for one, which once was clearly based around cars. With 6-lane streets and stuff. Many over- and underpasses make crossing roads so easy. MRTs always have multiple exits so you can go, where you want underground or use it as underpass too. Oh yeah, one ticket is around 2S$ and depends how far you wanna go. I newer paid more than 3S$ on any trip. And I used it alot. (3S$ rn are about 2€).

For Car traffic and air quality I will compare it to Hamburg. A city with roughly the same area but nearly 4 million people less living in it. Both are harbour cities and should benefit from oceanic winds to carry off polution.

Both cities have around the same air quality, which is odd, bc Hamburg should have way less with a third of the population, so why is this?

Well... Germans first of all love cars (I also love cars and own one) and they will fall back on the most ridiculous arguments to deny the benefits of (local) rail and public transport in general. When any city in Germany, would have a reliable, affordable and dense traffic net with high quality (in relation to it's population of course) like Singapore, I would immediatly dump my car and go full public transport.

But we can't do that, because we subjectively love cars more.

I only can recommend for more people to go visit Singapore to see, how it's done properly.

It's also noticeable, that the car traffic of a nearly 6 million people city like Singapore looks no more than the traffic in a 550k people city like Dresden and that's, bc it isn't more.

[Personal Rant!]

Some Germans also have an absurd obsession with SUVs since they are a big thing. (Like, they are very big and a waste of space for that.)

I nearly encountered no SUVs in Singapore. I guess, bc the people there don't fall for the promise, that they have much space and are comfortable, bc they really aren't more comfortable than any other car and space is sometimes even less than in a sedan or in an estate car.

What people here drive instead are vans like the Toyota Noah and it's family, which have objectively more space and are g'damn comfortable. We don't have these models in Germany btw.

[Rant over]

Singapore is also one of the safest places in the entire world. Basically all asian cultures live in harmony together, without discriminating each other on looks or beliefs. This is beautiful. Also travel experts recommend this country for traveling alone and I can't contradict that. At first, I was scared going out alone, but day after day, I noticed, people in Singapore are polite, there is no crime or drunk groups of men on the verge of assaulting women (like it happens alot in Germany). People in Singapore usually mind their own business and it's even save to stay m out way after 10pm, I would even recommend, bc you will never expierience this feeling of safety at night in any european country. You can also trust that someone will call the police, as soon as they notice something sketchy and that the thing itself is on CCTV.

The parks and recreational places are wonderful and the city is green. I mean, in every 5 walking-minutes, you'll encounter a park or fountain. I totally recommend going to Labrador Park, which is at the sea, has a near MRT station, beautiful forests and local wildlife. The Botanical Gardens Singapore are also worth a visit. I can't say anything about paid attractions, bc I just gone to the aquarium. Also go and see some temples, they look beautiful. You can enjoy the city basically for free, if you know places or just stay curious. For people, who enjoy Malls, I recommend the Vivo City Mall and the Atrium@Orchard. You can also talk to anyone you need in English.

In conclusion for me:

If you ever want to see city planning done right, public transport done perfect, public safety on its best and a green metropole, Singapore is just the place for you.

I'll genuinely will miss this place, bc it has all the qualities, I wish my country would have, but never will get, bc we are making decisions in the wrong direction.

[free--therapy]

This is anon!

This is totally unrelated but do you mind if I talk and ask about something I've been thinking about recently? (not as related to topics about anxiety) Umm it's totally okay if you don't reply if it's too personal or annoying!

I know I've mentioned this before but I'm finally done with formal education since I officially graduated last month. In my country, we start schooling when we're around four and graduating with a bachelor's degree happens when we're around twenty-two years old. (of course there's always different cases too but this is just the average)

So I'm twenty-two now as well and for the last 18 years, I've been taking continuous back to back formal education. So now that I've finally graduated and decided to start looking for a full-time job for the first time in my life, it feels very very weird.

I've been a student since I was four years old and now that I'm no longer one, it just makes me feel very empty? Here where I live, school/college is almost all-consuming. As in, we have long hours of back to back classes everyday.... roughly 6 hours for school and 7 hours of classes in university, including lunch time of course. And a huge chunk of time is also spent travelling to and from the campus. So pretty much a huge section of the day right from waking up to evening is spent for college/university and even after returning home, the time is spent doing things related to university too! Like studying/assignments/papers and talking to friends or peers from university.

What I mean to say is pretty much all the time of the day/night is spent directly or indirectly doing things related to university. It's something that kept me busy even after I returned home from university, like constantly in my mind. That's what I mean by all-consuming. Since along with the huge load of studies and assignments and classes, we're always also busy with friends and classmates.

But now, with everyone moving on with their own lives, I'm barely in contact with like...three friends out of which, I only share problems with one of them. Of course, the other two are good friends too but we don't really talk as much. And since I've just started looking for jobs, I'm pretty much unemployed right now when I think about it lol

But now with the constant hustle and bustle of school or university life gone, life feels very empty and weird now. I've been thinking of what I really wanna do even.

I mean, I don't know what to do from here on? The degree I've graduated with is something I'm more or less just okay with, it's not what I'd call my passion either so the only reason I'm really searching for jobs is to have a source of income that's all. That sounds lame I know but it really is like that right now 😭

I don't know....when I think about it, even if and when I do get a job, after I get home from my job everyday, what will I do? I mean, until university, even when you do get home, you constantly have things to do related to college right? So in a way, even after getting home, my mind is engaged with thinking about different things related to university. But after job, it's not that way. After getting home from work, you have time to do things you like but there's nothing you're "supposed" to do unlike in university where there are plenty of things you're supposed to do at home. So it feels weird?

Having time to do whatever I want but not having anything that I'm "supposed" to do sooner or later is weird. It makes me feel pointless or like there's no purpose to it. That's why I'm the type of person who, even during school/uni, used to like vacations when there was a limit to it.

Because there was this feeling right? That even if this is a vacation, after this, classes will start again and life will get busy again and stuff. But now, it isn't like that. There's no vacation period with jobs honestly and after work hours, there's nothing that I'm supposed to do and I can do whatever I want. But that also implies I don't have anything that I need to do in my free time which is boring and feels pointless to me. Because there's only so much I can do right? Like hobbies and such.

Of course, I have people I spend time with too but like I said, my only good friend lives far away and the other two friends, we are not close in a way that we'll meet up and hang out or something. So pretty much, the only people I hang out with are my siblings and my two cousins. But even amongst them, the one I can rely on the most is my older sister since all other siblings are kinda younger than me.

But even my elder sister is moving from home and moving to another city (with her partner) far away after the whole thing with my family like I mentioned sometime ago. The main reason she's moving away is because my parents had a disagreement with her choosing the "wrong" partner but she'd rather give up on being in contact with our parents than give up on her partner. So with her going away, (and she wants distance from the family for at least a few years) my biggest emotional support person is moving away. She says that out of all my family, she wants to stay in contact with only me and hopes that I could still go meet her from time to time.

But honestly, while I understand her decision since she's doing this for her good and I want to respect it, I don't know if I'll have the mental energy or the feelings to actually want to go meet her when she does move away. Maybe because it feels unfair to me to have to manage both sides of the situation with my sister as well as my parents. In a way, it feels like she's choosing someone else over me and my younger sister. Like she's willing to give up on us for someone else. I know that's not it at all and I know I'm maybe being unreasonable and I'm trying to make peace with the situation but it's hard.

On top of that, I'm already sad about her moving away since I lean on her for emotional support the most....you could say she's the person I feel safest to rely on with my problems. So it's a weird situation right now.

Along with all my anxiety and overthinking, this whole situation with her is kinda adding onto my anxiety tbh. At the same time, since she's the one I rely on when I feel myself getting too caught up in overthinking or worrying once in a while, but with her moving away, it feels like I'm losing the biggest part of my support system. Like....who will I even rely on with these problems after that? So that's again adding onto my anxiety as well.

Life feels weirdly empty right now due to me not having anything solid to do and since the idea of job life doesn't seem all that interesting to me either. Plus I don't have people I hang out with much except my siblings, especially my elder sister but she's moving far away too. So I won't really have anyone to hang out with or spend much quality time with either when she moves out. And even when I start working, I don't think I'll be making those close friends at my job right? Since it's work.

So life doesn't really sound exciting and to make it worse, there's this anxiety and overthinking. I don't know where I'll be in a few months or by the time the new year starts. Like....where I'll be mentally and emotionally. It seems so uncertain and weird.

To make everything worse, until now I was thinking that if things do get very bad, I'll go to therapy. But like I mentioned in the other ask, ever since I read those things ("you won't get better until you stop desperately trying to get better) in that one book, I've been wondering what if going to therapy ends up making me actually develop associations related to those intrusive thoughts/images? So even the idea of therapy seems kinda worrying now because what if constantly talking about my problems or about the whole intrusive thoughts worry ends up making me actually develop more associations? I mean, talking about it every week or so might lead to those thoughts getting re-inforced which might lead to associations right? (I just don't want to be reminded of random intrusive thoughts/images or my worries by looking at certain things- that's what I mean by associations. Like the one with the pets thing.)

So the idea of getting therapy sounds worrying because of that. So if I can't get therapy then what will I even rely on for support? That sounds like therapy won't help me (since I've been worrying that therapy might give me more associations) then what will?

It's all a mess in mind right now due to all these issues and it's very overwhelming sometimes. What do you think would be the healthiest way to deal with all these thoughts?

Hey Anon

I definitely can understand why this is so concerning for you. I pretty much struggled with the same when I was done schooling because it was so consuming that it was hard to switch gears from being in school to actually working.

It's hard to be left to your own devices now, but you simply have the freedom now to explore new things to fill your time with. This point in your life can also become lonely because you won't be surrounded by people as much like you did in school so it can feel like it's hard to make friends.

You can still keep in touch with your sister though! Don't let distance be a reason to not be close with her in whatever capacity that you can. Of course it's hard to accept that people close to you will go off to live their own lives, but you can also do the same for yourself too. If your sister means that much to you, then it's definitely worth making the effort to keep in touch with her. For all you know, your relationship can still flourish in a way you never thought it could.

It's really up to you now to make the most out of your time and making connections with people too, whether they're people you've known for a while or new people. Life is definitely going to continue to get uncomfortable, but it's really all about how you deal with it and how uncomfortable you're willing to get to make a life you want and enjoy. I know it can be overwhelming though, so give yourself some patience and grace to figure it out, but don't keep yourself from finding things you might enjoy. You can always join some clubs or sports teams, take up a new hobby, maybe do some night classes for something you enjoy or want to learn. It's always good to meet new people too because they may play such integral roles in your life that you never would expect.

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

When you make a typo, do you leave it, or go back and fix it? go back and fix it

Ever suffer from amnesia? no, closest is many many blackout drunk days/nights/years

What instrument do you prefer to play when playing Rockband/Guitar Hero WT never played, have only watched people play Have you ever picked out a song to listen to on a juke box? of course

While riding roller coasters, do you close your eyes? no

Have you learned anything important today? no

What’s a talent that you wish you possessed? dancing

Do you ever find yourself singing showtunes while in the shower? not showtunes

Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in one day? no

When’s the last time you were genuinely freaked out? night terrors that had me wake up screaming several times last week

Do you assign different ringtones to certain people? not since I was young with my first few cell phones

Favorite way to eat a potato? (i.e. french fries, mashed potatoes…) mashed, but I love potatoes in any form lol

Have you ever lived outside of the country that you currently reside in? no

Have you ever ridden in a limo? yeah for senior prom

Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die? yeah

What’s the one thing you couldn’t afford to leave behind on a vacation? my laptop

If a brick suddenly showed up in front of you, what would you do with it? be anxious and confused as all hell, debating whether or not to keep it to show that I’m not crazy/didn’t make it up or just put it outside somewhere

Does Christmas music played too far away from Christmas annoy you? yeah hell even during Christmas season the repetitiveness drives me fucking insane....work retail during the holidays and you’ll relate to the pain. same five remixed Christmas songs on repeat all fucking day in every damn store!!!

Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? I mean there’s a curiosity sure, plus wondering what it’s like to not have to deal with what we deal with...think every month, for starters. 

Last thing you worried about? my bank card being expired and needing to wait for the replacement in the mail because the one they had originally sent a month before got lost in the mail apparently and I didn’t even know it was sent till I called the bank asking for one once my card declined for an Uber and I realized the expiration on it..

Are there in portraits/figurines in your house that you find creepy? no

Sprite, 7up, Sierra Mist, or Mountain Dew? I like all of em

When was the last time you felt you were about to pass out from exhaustion? damn near every day

Other than no school, what’s your favorite thing about summer? I haven’t been in school since 2010 sooo lol fave thing about summer aside from weather is lots happening for things to do

- Least favorite? the overwhelming heat waves that wreak hell on my body

If you could change your age, how old would you make yourself? not sure...I turn 31 today but don’t feel it, so I guess I’d be younger but at the same time I’d never wanna go through all I’ve been through all over again so...pass. I’m fine with 31.

How old were you when you learned to ride a bike? oh god ummm about 6 or 7 without training wheels

Have you ever cried in a movie theater? of course

When’s the last time you went out of state? my cousin’s funeral service in late January in NJ with family...

Have you ever had ‘a day at the spa’? no

Do you still have a VCR somewhere? no

You see someone running around naked in the street. Your reaction? what the fuck?!

Are the files in your computer well organized or all over the place? pretty organized

Is there wall paper on your bedroom walls? no

Does yard work bore you, or do you enjoy it? never really did any

Do you own a sleeping bag? my fiance does

Have you ever tried to put a huge puzzle together? no

What do you put on your hamburger? all the usual fixings. lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese, ketchup

When was the last time you met someone new? not sure

What’s the furthest distance you’ve gone in the past 3 days? yesterday to Walmart 

Are there dogs barking in your neighborhood right now? no

[deliciouslyfrightening]

So my dear tumblr people, let me tell you a secret. 

Today, I got laid-off from my job of 6 months. From the beginning my boss didn’t know what to do with me (marketing specialist) and he refused to provide me with analytics (we didn’t have a website and he insisted they don’t need it). So basically I was running FB ads and linking it to Etsy Shop. As well as updating Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and TikTok socials. 

Guess what? In Etsy Shop you can’t really track conversion that come specifically from Facebook (unless they buy that specific item which is advertised). 

How do I prove that I’m not a useless git that can bring conversions? I can’t. I could only share vanity metrics aka. social media success like hitting 15K views with reels or increasing Instagram following by 30%. 

It was an office job - I needed to stay there for 8 hours Monday-Friday. When I was new to the role it wasn’t a problem, but after 2 months I got hang of what I can do and what I can’t. I insisted 3 times that website would be a benefit for the company (the boss had hired the freelancer year ago to create a website, but website was never delivered), but boss insisted that we didn’t need website now, because we had too many orders as it is. Plus he said and I quote “I have decided that website is not a priority and you won’t change my mind”. 

Eh. Look, I knew that I wasn’t needed in the office from the get go. The business was doing well even without marketing specialist. 

How did I know that I was getting laid-off?

The boss was on vacation (two weeks ago). When boss returned (last Thursday) he looked quite tired. My gut feeling was telling me that something was coming, but in my mind I clarified that it must be my irrational response of seeing angry faces. I felt unexplained anxiety on the weekend. 

On Monday the boss asked to speak with me in his office. He looked tense and quite sad. Boss said that - I’m wasted in this role and I’m not improving my skillset and he didn’t know anything about marketing (nor anyone in the office) to help me out. The tension has left my body and I smiled at him. I nodded and said that I’m too disappointed that I couldn’t provide metrics that showed conversions and I emphasized that the advertisements weren’t done in vain, that some sales (from specific countries) have increased due to targeting. The boss was surprised by my calm demeanor (perhaps he was expecting the angry/sad response?), but still couldn’t meet my eyes. 

He said that I was a good and charming person and I will find new job in no time. That my role in company won’t be filled by any other and that after I improve my skillset in agencies he would hire me again for the higher price. Boss offered me to stay for 2 more months (even if legally he was required to keep me for 2 weeks after laid-off), as I look for job. I agreed and thanked him. 

I took his offer with grain of salt. The boss tends to change his opinion quite often. 

Two workers that knew about my laid-off (one of them will take-over social media after I’m gone) were spooked when I came to office in Tuesday (day after I was laid-off). Well I was still required to complete my week, y’kno? (Plus boss said that I can stay until I found new work). But I suppose most people are too ashamed or anxious to come to office after they were laid-off. But the thing was, I did nothing wrong, so what shame is there to feel? 

I did my job as usual, as well as saving up the helpful metrics to use in motivational letters. I felt incoming closure washing over me.

On Friday (today) boss looked at me and said “Don’t force yourself to be here.” and I answered “I’m not forcing myself, I’m working.” The boss asked me to come to his office after few hours. He said that he will pay me for next week and holidays, that he doesn’t want to waste my time further and I should write a request to leave job. I agreed. I joked that I wasn’t sure how to write it, because it was my first time getting laid off.

Our office is quite small so when boss (in content voice) asked for the sample of the document (one of the worker’s responsible for documents) - everyone heard. For me it wasn’t a problem, but the energy in the office became gloomy.

I had the good relationship with my co-workers, being youngest and friendly, eager to help with their computer problems. The oldest co-worker got angry at the boss. “That’s humiliating for her!” she said, the boss answered “Why you always find problems? She has cool nerves.” 

I wrote the request to leave the job. I brought it to the document co-worker. I thanked for the sample and smiled. I left saying the usual “Have a nice day” without any sentimental goodbyes.

I had small smile on. The tense muscles in my chest. The echo in my ears and the headache. Even if didn’t feel sadness, I felt disappointed at myself.  At the same time I was happy that I kept my cool and politeness on. That I looked as if it didn’t phase me.

I’m tired. My intuition was correct about getting laid-off. I was correct about reading people’s emotions. As I returned home, I was met with sad parents’ faces - they were saddened that I lost my job. I insisted that I’m fine and that they shouldn’t feel sad.

I went to sleep and woke up after 4 hours. Stress has left my chest, but it again increased right now as anxiety. Well, I hope bright future is awaiting me. Trying to be positive and I already reframed situation as a good one. I’m still tired emotionally. 

Writing down experiences is a good thing, it opens the opportunity or healing. I hope that will work it’s magic.

Thank you for reading.

[12d3trvshcktt]

-Travis will do anything for his s/o.

He brings flowers every day, or chocolates, or anything they like. He's terrified you changed your mind while he was working. He doesn't think they are a terrible person that just uses him or anything else negative. But he also considers himself one of the worst people alive.

-He most listens to country and blues as genres, but because of his niece and nephew he also knows newer pop songs. Sometimes he catches himself humming along with songs which have terrible or sexed up lyrics. He secretly thinks it's funny though.

-He's the guy during a family vacation to sulk on the beach, the only one under an umbrella. He simply thinks he's too grown up to have fun in the sand or water. But if Kaylee and Caleb ask they can persuade him.

-He's slightly lactose intolerant, but like any other lactose intolerant person he will ignore all of that. He gets all grouchy when his stomach is upset though. So yeah, his cheesing has consequences.

-Besides living in almost literal hell for 6 years, jumpscares in movies and irl he's convinced are going to kill him instead of a werewolf mauling him.

-Has a parakeet at his own place which he taught how to whistle and talk. He melts whenever it comes to cuddle up to him and gives him kisses. He will occasionally fall asleep on the couch during a movie with the keet nibbling on his ear or hair.

-Needs reading glasses when he gets headaches.

-Out of any PDA he loves kisses the most, the man can and will kiss his s/o. Neck, arm, hand it doesn't matter. Unless they are uncomfortable with it, he will instantly reconize that and quit.

He gets a little overprotective of them too.

-He old and eats oats as a snack sometimes. Anyone else alive disagrees with his life's choices there.

-When he is super, super stressed he mumbles in his sleep. It's always the weird stuff too, like the one time he kept talking about pooltoys. Chris still asks him what the hell he was dreaming about.

-Again he wants hugs but gets hyper embarassed when his s/o hugs him, for him to almost moan while sinking into them. He will deny any accusations.

-Always gets those colouring for adults books from Chris. Who always states: "For a relaxing time. Just to think about nothing but colouring for a while."

He can't even finish one page because he cannot stop worrying. Also he thinks his colouring is terrible. (Which is true)

-Is featured in the tiktoks of his niece and nephew sometimes. To which he's called daddy sometimes, he has no idea what it actually means. Telling his family that he's not a dad, Chris is. They refuse to tell him what it actually means.

-Sometimes lays facedown on the floor when he gets overwhelmed at home.