#and every time I try to rationalise it by cutting down on tumblr time it never works cause I’m just cutting out the things I actually enjoy

[disastrouscanasta]

this wip is taking too long, and i’m not sure how outright I can be with the smut on tumblr, so here’s the before-stuff

Once the war was over properly, and men were being sent home to their wives and their children, John was faced with an unfortunate reminder that everything he’d tried so hard to sustain would amount to less and less the further they got from Europe. 

The tenuous convenience of his and Buck’s relationship slipped away quickly, and before he knew it, John was standing at the threshold of their ending.

In the morning, Gale would get on a train and go home to Marge. He’d say his farewells and snuff out the only fire that was keeping John going. Still, John would take it on the chin and shake his hand, standing up beside him on the platform until Gale cut his losses just to board the train.

That night, though, John would be damned if he didn’t at least try to make something of what he’d worked so hard to get to. Through their first years in the war, through all those missions and every goddamn day in Stalag Luft III, they’d stuck together. They’d been more to each other than John thought had ever had with a friend of his, and he knew it was more than Gale had ever had. Yet, as 1945 had shifted through seasons and months of supply drops and general military service, John had rationalised that it would end.

What they’d become to one another was circumstantial. It didn’t matter if John had no one back home, Gale did.

“Have you got a minute?” He asked Gale that night at the local officers club, their shoulders brushed where they stood at the bar counter.

“More than a minute.” Gale said. Hardly, John thought. He’d counted the hours, they had less than ten together.

But work was light, they’d mostly been sitting around waiting for things to do. And when they had a responsibility, nine out of ten times it was paperwork. John was bored, but Gale was the one who’d decided to go home first. I’ll come back, he’d promised. It wasn’t for John, even though that’s who he’d been speaking to. It was for the air force, for their country as a whole. God bless America.

But whatever kept Gale coming back. John doubted they’d continue their… Well, he just doubted they would continue past the war. Tough times and all that, John was good at getting Gale out of his own head every once in a while. 

“Mind calling it a night?” John asked. It earned him an intrigued eyebrow raise followed by the subtle way Gale’s eyes widened when it dawned on him.  John smiled when Gale just nodded quickly.

“Sure.”

John downed his drink, placing the drink down on the counter next to Gale’s— still, unfortunately— alcohol-lacking glass. He still had a flask in his uniform pocket, just in case.

He took Gale by the sleeve after paying for their service with a few bills left on the counter. When they reached the door and a blast of cold air hit them, John felt an inexplicable need to rush settle into his bones. They only had about nine hours left. Maybe just a bit more. In nine hours they could get off, that was sure. Maybe even save some energy for a second go at it.

At their billet, turned on the lights before he pressed his body close to Gale’s, keeping their hips together and bringing up his hands to rest on Gale’s face.

Gale wound his arms around John’s waist. His hands were a steady, grounding weight on John’s hips. He felt the hum of Gale’s voice as he spoke.

“Bed?”

“Wherever.” John huffed. He waited a spare few moments before kissing Gale needily. He tilted his head to deepen it, brushing Gale’s teeth with his tongue.

Gale moved them backwards, guiding John until his legs met the bed frame.

John’s hands fell to Gale’s buttons, undoing them with ease, then he pushed the tunic off of Gale’s shoulders. He moved on quickly to Gale’s tie, then his shirt.

“In a rush?” Gale said against his lips.

Yes, goddammit. “Just in the mood, Buck.”

“We’ve got all night.” Gale said, painfully sweet. The softness in his voice made the hair on the back of John’s neck stand on end. That kindness wasn’t for him, he knew that. But he’d take it. He would take what Gale would give him.

“Whole lot of time.” John said, hardly believing a word. With each erratic, aroused beat of his heart, he felt the ticking of the clock on the mantle. Gale was slipping through his fingers, even while he was a mooring presence against John’s skin. “Come on, just like old times, yeah?”

Old times meant cramped closets in the dark. Muffled breathing as they chased their own orgasms. Those were some of John’s favourite memories, tucked up against Gale’s body as they tried to drown out the world around them. If Gale was there, things didn’t seem quite so bad.

Gale smiled at him now, in the relatively spacious billet. His eyes were lit up by the lamp on the nightstand. A warm, golden glow that reflected on his skin. It sure felt different from any other time, not only for the sand in their hourglass pouring out, but the kindness, the warmth, everything they hadn’t been able to have during the war.

John undid his own tie and started on his own buttons, Gale took over for him, undressing John before leaning in to kiss him. It was soft and slow, close-mouthed and all too serene. John had to remind himself that they were back home, that this wasn’t the war. Gale wouldn’t be by his side anymore, but he’d be out there. He’d be okay.

Gale pushed him back against the bed until John’s back met the mattress. Gale posted his arms next to John’s shoulders, kissing him and pressing their chests together. He reached down to undo John’s belt, slipping his trousers down to palm him through the front of his underwear. John gasped, bucking his hips up against Gale’s hand.

“Don’t.” He said when Gale licked his lips, ducking his head to be level with John’s groin. “Not like that.”

Gale looked up at John, a bemused expression on his face. John cupped Gale’s jaw, bringing Gale’s lips back up to his.

“All the way?” Gale asked when he pulled back, studying John intently.

“Why not?” John said. Anything to move them along. He missed Gale’s touch like a chasm in his chest, and he hadn’t even gone yet.

“Alright.” Gale’s lips dropped to John’s neck. 

[gleeincorrectquotes]

.

[spacegaywritings]

Chapter 3: Coming home -  The Communication of Silence

Summary: Patton meets Virgil. The three talk a bit. Can he really stay with Logan? chap 1 link: ao3 link *clicky*

masterlist (contains all stories and updates including ao3/tumblr links and summaries!) story under the cut!!

"Logie? '', someone called. The voice sounded familiar, warm and like pure sun in his heart. The nickname for Logan almost made him laugh. Almost.

Instead, Virgil felt his heart leap and he promptly pushed himself into Logan's side instead of just standing next to him. A person. A voice? Voices belonged to people and Logan has mentioned two roommate before but Virgil felt and looked like shit with his edgy make up all over his cheeks and his arms cut and bandaged up. He was basically a spider in a frying pan. On a turned on stove.

A warm arm put itself around him and the light turned on. He just hid his face in Logan's chest and the other didn't seem to mind his ridiculous attempts at hiding, his childish reaction to a new person.

Logan was like one of these friendly giants you'd see in films. Silent, calm, a real anchor. When everything raged around him, he was still reserved and reacted appropriately.

Maybe Virgil liked him so much because Logan seemed predictable and didn't react impulsively and directly like he did. He didn't snap and got stupidly emotional over simple things. Logan was just a calm silence, the breeze everyone felt tickled yet comforted by during a warm spring day outside.

Virgil on the other hand was just an anxiety cucumber and while he tried to make amendments and rationalise his fears and worries, he couldn't help but realise that his panic got the best of him. After all, he was right here in Logan's apartment and already messed up with his exaggerated reactions just because of some sound, just because of some person.

The voice even sounded nice.

Well, but Virgil wasn't ruled by reason, the voice telling him to get to know and befriend this person who sounded like a great summer day at a pool. He didn't like those anyway.

A voice in his mind wondered whether the voice and Logan dated but just as this ludicrous thought crossed his mind like some suicidal cat speeding over a busy street, the voice got a physical vessel.

He was too shocked to look away. His head smushed onto Logan's chest but face still directed towards the source of sound.

Another giant - even taller than Logan but probably not by too much - rose from a nearby couch, rubbing his eyes as he approached Logan.

Virgil flinched away just in time before Logan was engulfed in an actual hug by the tall ginger man with the funny freckles strewn all over his face. Like a galaxy of darker, slightly brownish spots, the bigger giant's face was just littered in the endearing marks and even his hands seemed covered in them.

Honestly, Virgil couldn't tell much about the new person. He seemed to like Logan, have a nickname for him and it gave him a sting even though he sounded and looked very warm and nice. Maybe it was the copper hair that made him appear warm like a fire to heat up your room.

But what he could tell that the giant seemed to tired and unprepared for the sudden nap he seemed to have taken on the couch. His pastel blue sweater was wrinkled and slightly off. It was too big and hanged a little from his strong build.

Well, the Microsoft nerd next to him had a more intimidating pack of shoulders so that was sort of comforting but just because he felt less likely to be be crushed, didn't mean he was all at once comforted.

That was his first thought, however.

"Logiebear, I was so worried! You didn't come to dinner and I thought you might have been hurt or something and I was really really concerned about you!", the warm voice expressed.

This time it was evident that it had an accent but Virgil could not quite place it. Every word just sounded so well-carved out when it was pronounced and it was almost too clear when listening to him but also sort of fuzzy. Maybe because it was muffled. The 'r's were prominent and it somewhat reminded him of jokes about Irish accents but that was not the same. It was also much lighter but he noticed it anyway. Hypervigilance? Well, he did not know about any of this but he knew it still sounded warm yet seemed to edge on slightly uncomfortable screeching and little sniffles - covering a sunny day like grey clouds hanging in the way of the warming sun rays.

Virgil glanced over at the other as he hugged himself now. The comfort of Logan's warmth was gone after all and his space by his side was taken by.. This guy. Ginger giant. He didn't have a name yet after all.

But it wasn't as if he had any special right to be this close to the Logan anyway. They were mostly work buddies and sometimes took lunch together and and.. It was just stupid that his silly dependency already started showing because Logan was nice to me him for, like, five minutes.

Okay, it was much more than that and he knew it. Logan knew it too. But he was still much too attached. Therapy should have taught him better by now.

He didn't have any claims on Logan and just hugging had been ridiculous enough. He still couldn't believe the precious night after all. It was like a dream for him and part of him was convinced that it had never happened.

''Patton, please calm down'', Logan eventually said as he patted his friend, ''Nothing happened and I am just fine. I promise.''

Huh, funny name. Again, this sounded familiar. He probably had read it somewhere. But the name itself not

Logan now had too sensitive people to take care of and Virgil felt passively drained in his place. Or maybe it was just the few hours of sleep and all the changes he was running on but he was quite sure that the Logan was quite used to comforting others. Judging from how he always took care of him. It really was embarrassing just how much attention and care he often needed. It was even worse whenever he considered that he was already in recovery and used to be much more of a mess.

''Apologies for worrying you, Patton, but you must see that I am a grown man - despite being a little younger than you. I appreciate your care, nonetheless but talked about this'', he spoke softly and his tone edged on something close to fragility before he sighed. ''How come you did not notify me?''

This guy,.. Patton, the ginger giant, let go off Logan in favour of looking at him and his teary face was now resembling the look of a scolding parent, if Virgil had anything to go by. it seemed like the caring look of soft parents as shown in the media. As if someone like that actually existed.

''Logie, you really tell me to text or call you when I already left numerous messages on your voice mail and phone in general! You never responded to me and I called you about seven times, Mister Techie!''

Awkward.

For a moment, not even Logan could respond because he now realised just how much misery he had put Patton into and he carefully drew him into a short yet sweet hug. The way Logan held the taller man reminded Virgil of siblings that stood by each other through everything life would shoot at them.

He quickly averted his gaze but after a few moment of Patton relishing in the hug and burying his nose in Logan's neck, he looked up and actually spotted the little visitor. The giant had barely ever seen someone so short - not anyone their age, not a guy, really.

Curiosity filled the glass green eyes behind his obvious glasses and he let go off Logan, some sort of enthusiasm and mystery around him that Virgil felt as if he had been pulled into a major conspiracy. A smile spread across Patton's face and the giant was quick to push his pastel sleeve-covered hands into his face to wipe away the salty liquid coating his freckles. His eyes ate up the view of Virgil before him and the little punk just slouched. It almost looked like he was trying to disappear while Patton seemed to analyse every bit of his appearance.

He was the new test object to be observed under a precise microscope.

Logan's roommate let go off the younger student and turned towards Virgil while Logan stepped a little closer to the latter to stand between them and Virgil just took it as an invitation to shakily step closer to the librarian as if he could make the whole process of Patton mustering stop.

Patton's eyes did their best to catch every detail as quick as possible and Virgil could not stand it even one bit. He was still the cooking spider and the pan beneath him was seething hot. He was close to burning. His piercings in his lips seemed to glow in heat, his tongue however, was safe for as long as he would shut up (which would probably for another day or two around Patton. After all, he could not even bring himself up to even make a sound in his throat, yet alone produce sensible syllables). His purple hair with the blue tips were exposed. If it had only been raining, the punk could have hid the side cut with his hood or he could have pulled some hair from one side to the other to cover up the shaved off spot around his ear area. Oh, his ears were out on the open for everyone to see and he could basically hear Patton judging him for the self-made lobe and helix piercing holes and jewellery that featured his hearing organs to the sides of his face. His clothing was ripped and soggy since it was just some regular things and nothing fancy when wanting to meet new people or impress anyone. Virgil just knew he had fucked up and embarrassed himself and Logan enough to be a former friend and just be klicke out already. He briefly wondered why he hadn't stayed in this hellhole for just some more months. The next year would be the end of his contract and he already knew where to live next but it wasn't ready yet and and.. This was all too much

And it still didn't end there. His eyes were surrounded by smudged black makeup and his whole posture was just as ruined as the rest of his appearance.

Virgil casted his honey brown eyes down to the floor and just look at his shoes - wrecked and dirty from running. They were sports shoes after all. Even that looked just poor and horrible.

Honestly, Virgil felt like some abandoned and neglected dirty kid before his scolding dad.

But if he had looked up, he would have seen the look of sweet warmth in Patton's soft green eyes and he would have noticed how his eyes started becoming more glossy as he saw that Virgil seemed to be just exhausted and done and -

"Hey, I will make us some tea. Do you want some breakfast? You must be Virgil and I'm happy to meet you but you look like you need a little time to relax a bit. So, how does lemon tea sound to you ?"

Virgil blinked in surprise. Did the ginger gi- Patton, his name was Patton, talk to him? Was he serious? The punk was awestruck and tried to say yes but his throat stayed blocked and unwilling to produce any sound so he simply opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish when looking back at its owner. His face looked probably just as clueless.

He was quick to raise his left and make a motion as if throwing a kiss at Patton as he brought his hand to his chin and moved his hand forward while his wrist stayed in place.

"You're welcome, my dear! Logan's friends are my friends too so you can always come by, okay?"

Another nod and the two went to the little kitchen nearby. It was a little corner in the living room wince both rooms didn't have a full barrier to separate them. It made rent a bit cheaper and gave Patton a more welcomed feeling to their home.

Logan looked between the two and the gears in his Brian were working. He had never seen Virgil nonverbal and he had never see him interact with other people outside work or similar settings (such as ordering a meal for lunch). His mind made a note to ask them about this but considering what he had learned from talking to Patton and studying with him, he assumed that Virgil went nonverbal. Again, like the panic and anxiety attacks, Virgil seemed to do that more than just once in a life time but often enough go acocmodate. Or was there another reason he knew sign language? Maybe he just knew the basics.

The blonde giant quickly went to his room to retrieve paper and pens so Virgil could communicate with them. Or, him, really. It just made Logan realise how little he knew about Virgil. He at least knew about Patton learning some sign language for his future profession as a therapist but he didn't know it himself.

Maybe he should learn it. It was always good to expand his horizon and he would have two people he could communicate and practice with. Sounded great.

When he returned, Virgil was wildly signing with his two hands. Honestly, this was even more of a surprise. After nine nine months of working together, he had barely glanced at Virgil's right to understand why he wore bulky clothing and hid away his body and especially let his fingers be sucked in by these endless sleeves he usually immersed his body in. Virgil was just avoiding weird looks he'd get for having less than the ideal ten fingers.

It was sollte unusual to see him.. So excited about talking to a stranger. His gaze flickered to Patton who placed three cups on the table.

No coffee. Patton was such a dad.

Logan sat down with them and carefully pushed the pens and papers to Virgil.

"I do see how you two communicate but I must admit, sign language is not one of my skills."

Patton chuckled and shook his head and the purple haired emo just offered a smile and a dismissive wave. Well, Logan underdtood this.

He wasn't the most understanding person in terms of reading other people and reacting accordingly but he got used to Virgil's reactions and - after several questions - he had finally learned at least some about his body language. At least he had some objective knowledge about people and their behaviours but individuals were so different, it go hard. Especially when people just talked more than anything.

But Virgil had always been more the person to act rather than speak empty words and so far he had gotten along with that but.. But right now he needed real answer, verbal answers. He couldn't trust his mind to piece together the way Virgil's eyebrows would furrow together or how his feathery fine facial features would ease up or derail upon hearing certain words and sentences.

"Aw! But Logan, I could have translated for you, don't worry", Patton protested, yet the wrinkles around his eyes and his lips curling into a smile undermined the strict tone he tried to come up with. "I made you tea. Too much caffaine is bad for you."

Virgil watched the exchange as Logan pulled one of the tea mugs close - something with honey, if he could judge it from the smell - while Patton started sipping his own chamomile tea.

"And yet, we both know I will consume about one can by noon"

Virgil shook his head and let it an amused squeak but apart from that, the roommates could only hear him inhale air in unusual, almost unnatural intervals. It was different from usual breathing but it was clearly sucked in by his lungs in breaks between his soundless giggles.

"Logie, are you planning on drinking coffee when I'm asleep?"

Patton looked offended but the mischievous grin and the boiling joy within him was obvious enough. He looked as if he was about to break down cackling and his snowflake white skin seemed to light up with his freckles nearly glowing in delight.

But Logan looked just like that but in his own version. His mouth seemed broadened and he tilted his head, about to hide his white teeth and shining smile by facing only the table below his forearms.

"Maybe "

Virgil could hear him laugh inside and it made him smile in return as he scribbled down something with the pen and paper provided to him.

>>Who talked about coffee? Green and black tea have caffaine too<<

Logan nodded in agreement, his lips wavy as he tried to fight down his bright smile. Patton simply let out an offended mock huff.

"You're already conspiring against me, kiddos. I am so disappointed."

Patton giggled and hugged himself in his oversized pastel sweater, the colour emphasising his glass shred irises.

"Patton, you should go to sleep. I am assuming you stayed up all night waiting for me to return", Logan recommended and Virgil started scribbling down some good Uhr wishes in turn.

"Aw, stop calling your dad out"

"You're not my dad"

"But Patton, I - um", he started but shook Hof head, "let me rephrase that. I would like us to host Virgil for a while. Could we arrange that? I think it is a decision we should all know about. We are roommates after all."

Patton titled his head and Virgil froze, curling in on himself and bringing his feet up to the chair so he could hug his slender knees to his chest.

" OH, but Logie, why didn't yiz say so sooner? ", Patton piped up with a happy smile and got up.

Why???

Virgil didn't know but Patton sounded so cheery, it sounded threatening in his mind, he couldn't help but feel himself shiver. It made Patton stop charging towards him.

" Kiddo, can I hug you for a welcome?"

Virgil froze and looked up at him, his smudged black looking ready to wander further down his cheeks in cascaded of panicked tears. He could taste the anxiety and it pushed his tongue into a cage.

Did.. Did he really want to hug him?

The punk looked at Logan who seemed.. Calm. He seemed calm enough to even calm Virgil's nerves and he let out a shaky breath and slowly lowered his trembling legs before standing up as expected.

When he was actually met with a warmth surrounding him and the sweet smell of laughter and biscuits, Virgil choked down a sob and held onto him. This wasn't the time to cry but the time to relish in the acceptance of another person.

And he barely knew Patton. Yet between Logan, Patton and Virgil, there was already a familiar and nearly familial warmth that embraced them as if they were meant to be together in this constellation.

But he knew he'd enjoy living with him and being around him and Logan.

Still, at the same time he couldn't help but feel strange and unreal about being so welcomed in this sacred asylum.

... As if something in the world was against his peace.

[jarchieriverdale]

I'm writing a Riverdale fanfic (Jarchie mainly, with Beronica on the side) which is one of my first proper fanfics ever. Any general tips or maybe even just tips for being brave enough to actually, you know, share it? I'm feeling so awkward about this entire thing!

Can I first start of with saying: so much kudos to you for wanting to put your fic up! Fandoms getting new fics and writers is always a huge YES because we always need more & definitely welcome it ^_^(This definitely ended up being really long, but I made a list further down if you don’t wanna read all my rambling. I’m not sure what specifically you’re feeling awkward about, but I covered a bunch of stuff :))

Reading this I was like, I’m probably not the best person to ask because I have really bad anxiety ?? but then I was like, actually, you know, that’s why I’m probably one of the best people to ask because HOW the HELL do I manage to do this despite that? And honestly it involves a lot of self-talk + bravery + a fuck-it-I’m-gonna-do-it-who-cares mood. And I have a feeling this post is going to be rather long, but I’ll just talk through my own experience and what I’ve told myself, and maybe it’ll help you (or someone else) as well. :D

(I decided to put this under cut IT’S SO LONG IM SORRY (& if you’re on mobile I’m even more sorry t_t) 

I’ve actually been writing stuff for YEARS. I started fanfics in middle school, before that I was writing my own little stories. Little me in primary school and early middle school, so badly wanting to be a writer (I RP’d a lot between 07-10 as well). But I never shared my writing. SOMETIMES with close friends, if I bought up an original story and they were interested I would send it to them. Otherwise, I wasn’t about to share it with anyone. ESPECIALLY not my fanfics when I started. A lot of my earliest have gone unseen by the world (and myself for years). I’m sure this may apply to a lot of people if you’ve written stuff for years, regardless what type of writing it is. I don’t know if you’ve written other stuff before anon, but if you haven’t that’s okay because we all gotta start somewhere & if you want to share it right away that’s one hell of an achievement and damned awesome. On the other hand, if it’s taken a while, that’s great too. Either way, sharing can be one hell of an anxiety inducing situation.

Okay, so when it came to finally posting stuff up, I’d definitely been writing a while, but at this point I knew I really wanted feedback on my writing, and to see if people enjoyed it, so that was a huge factor in me sharing it online. I’d never find out what people thought if I kept it to myself forever. Critique can sometimes be tough (just before my ImperialRemnant account on AO3 I wrote fanfic elsewhere and definitely had “this sucks” reviews - which isn’t so much a critique, but actually being a dick because they weren’t helpful - and definitely had fics that did rather terribly - still do - but it’s all a learning process & you eventually get used to it).

It’s also important where you post it, AO3 would be best of jarchie and beronica, as well as tumblr. Fanfic.net usually does better with gen fics. They’re the only ones I use, although I have accounts on some other sites I still gotta go on.

So I’ll go through things you should remember if you’re nervous about putting up fics (and things I have to remind/tell myself constantly):: 

1. I’ll start with the fact you’ll definitely get reviews/comments/critique like I said previously. But most people are REALLY REALLY nice, so don’t freak out (I tell myself, as I’m trying to rationalise), and I haven’t had anything terrible since making my ImperialRemnant account on AO3 or fanfic.net. And there are always times your fics won’t get any comments at all– and that’s fine too! I’ve had that happen to me, and in the long run, it doesn’t feel like a huge biggy??Also, sometimes people aren’t gonna like what you do and they’ll say that, but that takes me to a second point–

2. It’s not your problem if somebody doesn’t like something. This is really important to know. You wrote the fic because it’s a concept you wanted to write, and something you really wanted to share and that’s amazing. You put tags on everything in your fic, so the person will go in and know what to expect, so if somebody does say something, then it’s like… “it was in the tags/summary? Why did you read this then? Wtf?” then 0% your fault. (Tagging’s important guys! I do find it hard so if you do too then try! You’ll usually be fine). 

3. In regards to quality of fic, there’s definitely is a lot of amazing stuff out there, and that’s overwhelming. But you gotta know, there’s a lot of bad stuff too. I hate to say it, because it’s the nice thing to say all fic is good, but the reality is that’s not true. Your fic may not be the best (hey it may be damn amazing I haven’t seen it xD), but there’s a damn good chance it’s not going to be the worst either. Say to yourself this fic isn’t terrible, it’s fine. Your quality will improve over time anyway when you grow as a writer (Lord forbid there’s stuff from a year ago I published and I’m like… why did I do that…but that brings me to the next point).

4. SOMEBODY WILL LOVE YOUR FIC, I GUARANTEE THIS. I didn’t know this at first but learnt it quickly and have to remind myself EVERY TIME. Even if, later, you’re going “oh god that fic was a dumb idea”, there will be someone, at some point, who will have loved it and enjoyed it and wished there was more. It may just be one or two people but goddammit your audience is always gonna start small, and if it stays that way it will always be worth it for someone (that someone can be yourself too!). The best feeling is when somebody gets excited from your updates (HUGE reason why people should leave comments if they love a fic, because there’s a lot of people who are passive readers even when they love love LOVE a fic & just leave a kudos, definite issue. But I hope as a fandom we can not be like that?).

5. Your writing is not going to be perfect to you, it’ll never be perfect, you’ll be sure there’s a way something could be written better, but maybe you don’t know how to make it better (especially if you don’t have a beta!). I never expect fics, when I go in to read them, to be perfect. No writer is perfect, even properly published writers. You’re going to have to tell yourself it’s the best you can do RIGHT NOW for THIS fic. Put it through an editing program maybe if it’ll make you feel better (I use prowritingaid sometimes?) or leave the fic and go through it later. It’s gonna be fine.

6. Don’t expect much at first. Sometimes first fics can be very successful for people, but there’s a shit-ton of people where this doesn’t happen and it takes a while. When I first put fics up on AO3 they only got less than 10 kudos or something? You will eventually write something that a lot of people may love, but it can take a while. I think… well I’ll give you an example with the Star Wars fandom– I first wrote TFA & Kylux on AO3 before The Force Awakens had even come out, so obviously I didn’t get a lot of attention. When the movie came out, there was few fanfics but I was already there so a lot of people would read my fics (dunno if they liked them, but since they were some of the ONLY ones that existed they didn’t have much choice ;P). If you’re writing fics in a growing fandom you might be more likely get more attention later on your fics, if only because there’s few choices. Some of my fics still have barely any kudos, but I have nearly 60 fics and they’re gonna be a hit or a miss (& they eventually gather more kudos overtime, so even the worst fics have at least a few). With Jarchie, I was actually surprised I got as many as I did, but this fandom’s in the process of growing and I assume a lot of people are reading all the new fics?? It’s probably good for you actually, to right now put a fic when people are reading it and into it. 

6. It gets easier. Man, I ain’t even kidding, the first time I was putting up a fic I was freaking out like mad, going back and forth between the tag, mouse hovering over the publish button, re-reading a billion and ten times. It was ~kinda~ easier in a fandom where nobody was reading the fics because you definitely don’t expect much, but there were a couple of people who definitely enjoyed the series I was writing once I’d put some stuff up. And as time went on, it got much more easier. There’s a huge gap of time I didn’t put any fics up and it was hard to update again, but now that I did it, it’s once again easier to do it. I still have internal battles with myself over it, but it’s quicker to get over it and much easier to win. 

7. I forgot a note so I’m just gonna add it quickly. But if you’re really weird about it, you can first send it to a friend to look over, or a mutual or something. Or, since I myself never could do that, just tell someone about the idea– and I suggest telling someone you know won’t make a negative comment about it. Sometimes a “that sounds interesting” or “that sounds cool” can be even a little helpful. If you’re lucky, might even go a long way.

Honestly, my mind goes through a whole lot of panic, and sometimes it just takes a good mental day, and some excitement about the concept of my fic, to be able to be brave enough to finally put something up. I usually have low expectations when I share it (being a pessimistic person by nature, so as not to disappoint myself), but I’m like… somebody’s gonna like it at some point, it’s not the worst fic I’ve ever seen, it’ll be okay. And if a fic doesn’t do well, then you just need to put it behind and move on (repress memories haha). Leave it up, don’t take it down, somebody may eventually come across it and love it, but there’s no harm done having fics that don’t do well. It might just be that it’s not gonna appeal to most people, and that’s okay.

At the end of the day your fic’s gonna be okay. There’s a bunch of amazing, unique, horrendously weird, terrible, awful fics out there and the last thing you need to feel is awkward. I know this ended up being a monster of an essay but I hope it’s helped, even a little.

tl;dr? No need to feel awkward, sit yo ass down and just fuckin’ do it. Shit’s crazy.