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#and everyone else better have a good week too
ciematis · 2 days
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bloodhound starring yuuji itadori.
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content warning: no pronouns used, but reader is implied to be dfab.
reader is dealing with their period/pms.
roughhousing/fighting (they are training), scent kink, yuuji and reader are 18+, sukuna is here too yuuji. funky (very slight) mind-control/subtle influence aspects. perverted thoughts. reader is annoyed by everything. no penetration/sex. yuuji smells you ovulating lmao? begging (from yuuji). dry humping. idk i was just writing shit and the plot got outta hand.
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Yuuji’s changed since Sukuna came along.
Not something you acknowledged at first - of course, it would be within reason to anticipate some degree of pushback from the curse. A never before seen bond between human and … less-than-benevolent spirit was sure to have some stubborn aftereffects. It seems that little whisper of a king took care to extend his influence more permanently than you’d appreciate, frankly.
Yuuji’s senses have been unnaturally keen as of late. Not the ‘notice your new haircut’ kind of attentive - that natural knowledge that comes with closeness - but,
eerily observant. Sukuna’s cohabitation of Yuuji’s body seemed to have bolstered his olfactory systems in bizarre ways. Or maybe the curse had just gotten attached to the scent of your flesh.
Like when he noticed when you ran out of lavender shampoo, you started using citrus. Or when he shouted in front of ‘Gumi and Nobara about how you definitely changed your perfume. Weird shit. Mr. Paying-Too-Much-Attention just tried to brush it off.
If you didn’t know any better, you’d swear he was keeping tabs on you. He tried to be completely normal otherwise - even apologized about the perfume; though Megumi and Nobara ensure you never hear the end of it.
But he’s doing it again right now. In the lull of your training, he seems stunned for a moment; seemingly overtaken by the presence of something around him. When you ask ‘what?’, he responds with a question.
“Do you smell that?” He huffs the air like he’s starved for it, the genuine curiosity bouncing around in his eyes confounding more than it intrigued. His eyes are half-lid, dogged and low, like a bloodhound taking index of nearby quarries. He’s paused your flow, stopped your energy, and besides; “The only thing I can smell is you.” You scowl. You stand with your arms akimbo, lips subtly quirked in irritation. He looks gagged by that response, but keeps breathing deep; lids fluttering delicately to half-lids. 
 “Yuuji.” You go to cross your arms, glaring daggers. “Yuuji, c’mon, I need you to focus.” “Mmn." His nose wriggles; it's a little cute. "But it smells so good… You sure you didn’t bring food in here? I can’t focus with that- ah - smell.” He seems labored by it, but it’s not so strange for Yuuji to be incredibly dramatic about most things. “It smells like…mhn.” Failing to describe the scent, you rapidly find yourself disinterested in his little moment. But he’s insistent on having it.
He licks his lips til’ they shine under the fluorescent, fanged teeth poking from his upper lip as he makes a face. A brutal, not-quite-smile, then something else, reserved as he retained the barest hint of control. He looked feral, like a wolf twitching with pent up aggression, holding out for the fawn to tottle past.
You occasionally envied his inclination towards the eccentric- frankly freaky sometimes- but sadly, at present you lacked the patience. You’re not playing games this week, and definitely not today.
It feels like everything and everyone’s been pissing you off for like half the week. Nobody seems to be on the right timing - no, not even Nobara, who seems more to your speed even when you’re in a bad mood with the rest of them. Nothing happened (you think) to make you feel angry, this pent up, but you think the others have noticed and politely adjusted their behavior. Giving you more space during breaks, keeping conversations to polite banter and short chats, getting you snacks… 
Oh, now he’s starting to make you a little hungry. That’s what you think it is, that low simper in your belly as your vexation grows; tired of his antics. “Stop fucking around, man. I know this shit comes easy to you - or whatever - but I’m not letting you get me behind on training. Stand up.” The demand in your voice doesn’t seem to inspire motivation. Rather it just makes him annoyed, his brows now furrowed as he (bordering on obsessively) sniffs the air. Gets a whiff of something beautiful. Like blood pumping through veins, decadent, succulent, dripping, and raw. Rubs a bit of drool from his lips.
Sukuna’s been chittering in the time you weren’t. A faint locust buzz crescendos into airplanes flying overhead, a mantra tittering in the back of his head over and over again. 
It’s you. It’s you, It’s you, It’s you, It’s you.  Sukuna didn’t have to tell him that, really - he’s not that dumb - but forgive him for wanting to pretend like you’re not making him tent his sweatpants. He’s been smelling you all week - and after that argument with you and the gang on Tuesday, apparently nobody else noticed anything had changed. Granted, it’s not like he hates it; quite the contrary, actually… 
You smell too good. Like a forbidden delicacy; savory and not too sweet. Oh, if only he could get you on his tongue. The thought is as foreign as it is tantalizing. He’s quick to assume Sukuna has something to do with it - but when he’s still having those thoughts when Sukuna hasn’t spoken to him in days, he’d think it irresponsible to not take some accountability for it. He scowls to himself, glancing at you in his periphery as you practice your striking form.
(You dance through the air, the power in your thrust brought forth from the entirety of your body; each muscle, moving in perfect sync. The more you work yourself up - the stronger the scent of you gets. It’s like a pheromone, wafting irritatingly through the space, driving him fucking mad -)
“Your yearning is pathetic.” Yuuji’s mouth goes dry as Sukuna’s mouth splits open a space behind his ear; but you must not hear him - too busy slicing through nothing. “I’ve never understood playing with your food. If you’re strong enough to take the sorcerer - they’re yours to be had.” He reflexively goes to shut him up.
You’ve barely wanted to be near him all week. Or any of the gang, really. You’ve been acting differently, too. Quicker to anger and cutthroat, more territorial - less affectionate. You’re only training together because you pressed him for it, like you were dead set on showing him up. 
He thinks you’re doing fine. (Sukuna thinks it’s cute how hard you try).
You step too close and Yuuji’s head snaps to you on cue, and for a moment you think something’s wrong. He’s perched low down, searching you. Considering you, staring you up with that look. You recognize it - better suited to a battlefield and carnage - but it’s good to know he’s finally paying you attention. A full-minded, beady-eyed focus, as if you were a spirit in need of exorcism. He looks hungry for it.
You shuffle back reflexively, too wired to go down to some low-blow. “Oh? You ready to get back to it then?” You resume your offense, leaning into your stance as you watch Yuuji stagger to his legs almost drunkenly; and yet not taking his eyes off you. He balls his hands up into fists, feet shifting into position. “Yeah. I think m’ready. If you are.” His curtness is greatly appreciated, though you can’t help but quirk your brow at his change of pace. You squat lower, tighten your grip on your training weapon. 
You push in at the same time. The point of contact - his fist and your naginata - disappears in a  void of darkness. Tendrils of black jut out in all directions, and all you hear is the crrrr - ACK! of your wooden instrument;  split clean in two as the ‘sharp’ end goes flying and leaving you with the blunted shaft. He’s on top of you as soon as you recover, reaching forward with a quick jab you barely dodge.
The sweat runs off your forehead as you dart backwards, swiftly slamming the wooden handle down into his skull.  The naginata cracks into nothing. He is hardly winded. 
He reaches out for you and you dive to the side, throwing up your arm to shield your chest before Yuuji nearly caves it in.
“-shit!”
You’re gasping, nearly falling on your ass as the force of Yuuji’s kick knocks the air out of your lungs.
“- ah, fuck -”
There’s a feeling besides fear, there. A sudden shuddering in your limbs and a faintness in your head that makes you drop low to the ground, your legs wobbling ever so slightly, 
before they give, the blood rushing away from your head as a new pain blooms deep within your stomach. It joins the one in your chest, tormenting you. 
Yuuji’s on top of you when your vision returns from black (did you close your eyes? You hadn’t noticed), half concerned and half… well -
He’s got you pinned to the training mat below, weight audaciously pressing into your stomach as he plants himself firmly on top of you. There’s something hard down there, jabbing insistently into you that perplexes you for only a second; until his face tells you everything to know.
His gaze is hazy, like he’s coming off that high but not quite - got your arms pinned above your head even if he no longer needs to use that kind of force. His face is red, blushed from ear to ear, and your analysis is momentarily interrupted by his voice cutting through the silence. 
“Well, I won,” He huffs, rocking his hips a little. “Don’t I get a prize? Y’know - for winning?” He leans more to your level. You’re in no rush to buck him off - the pressure doesn’t feel that bad; actually.
"What?"
Your voice is breathy and incredulous when you fully come to.
“You want a fucking cookie or somethin’?” To your amusement, he nods excitedly. One of his hands leaves yours to slowly trail down your front. That focus still hadn’t lifted from him, his attention concentrated solely on the line he’s driving down your stomach.
“Yeah, something like that.” 
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⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ JJK/BANNER ART by gege akutami
all content written by me @ciematis, is owned by me, and you are not allowed to repost or translate my works. don't put my shit into ai generators, don't steal my shit and put it on wattpad. thank you.
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A head cannon if Grayson died and how everyone would react.
people's reaction to grayson's death head canons
of course<3. i won't format it the same was as my other hcs posts though cause i feel like it wouldn't make as much sense. hope you like them <3.
avery: avery would definitely try to act tough around everyone else. she'd try to be there for the three brothers and would suppress her feelings. she would definitely visit his grave every single day to talk to him/visit him. she thinks the afterlife would be boring so she makes sure to make time for him every day. things around the house would remind her of him (like almost everything). she would see a blanket or smth and think 'hey, this is the blanket that we used that one night when we watched pride and prejudice'. she would try her best not to cry bc she knows grayson would tell her he wasn't worth her tears, but she would not be able to stop her tears when they came.
xander: xander would deal with his death by spending every day and night in his lab trying to distract himself. whenever he'd see something he knew grayson would like when he'd be out shopping, he'd buy it even though he knew gray would never receive it. he would pretend he's fine and would crack his usual jokes but no one found them funny bc every one was hurting. at the same time, he'd try to cheer every one up (including himself) by remembering the good times and funny things grayson did. he would make gadgets and stuff and dedicate them to grayson. at the end of the day, he would lie in bed and talk to him. also, instead of leaving flowers at his grave, he'd leave small inventions or little letters.
jameson: he would drown himself in alcohol. enough to land himself in the hopsital multiple times on the verge of death. nash and xander would come in screaming at him telling him they couldn't lose another brother. jamie would also visit his grave everyday to talk to him about his worries or just to ask him how he's doing in the afterlife (knowing he obviously wouldn't get a response). he'd gradually start doing less risky things knowing grayson wouldn't approve and knowing his brothers wouldn't be able to handle it if he died too (avery too obviously). he'd also be the type of person who just wouldn't be able to get out of bed. he'd just lay there and rot wondering why gray had to die (he thinks if anyone should've died, it should've been himself)
nash: he would try to act tough around everyone else thinking it was his responsibility to keep the family going. at the same time, he'd also be the one to handle his grief the most healthily. he'd reassure everyone that feeling sad and mad was a normal response to grief, and that, burying your feelings would only make things worse. he brings flowers to grayson's grave at least once a week. he'd be the type of person who would not be able to just sit still and process his grief though. he'd have to get up and go work/save some 'lost souls' to feel better. he'd have to reassure himself that, wherever gray was, he was fine and he'd see him again someday.
libby (including her bc she's my baby): libby would be the one actually holding everyone together. she'd be everyone's therapist whilst still grieving herself. she'd head to everyone's room every day and ask them how they were doing/if they needed anything. she would also be baking non-stop. she would bake and bake until they didn't have the ingredients she needed to bake anymore. she would leave some of the cupcakes at gray's grave. she'd constantly remember the heartfelt conversations they'd had and they laughs they shared.
this post fucking made me cry. kill me pls.
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zeynepaura · 3 days
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𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐆𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐇𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐬
˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚ 𝑯𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒖𝒑 𝒃𝒂𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒃𝒊𝒕𝒔 ˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚
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First off, giving up an old bad habit is difficult, that I know; however, it is not impossible. I've had a lot of difficulties in my life where I repeated the same habit over and over again and I thought for me I would never overcome them. But you know what changed? trying. I tried my best every day and even if I failed, I slowly accepted that I am not perfect and I am only human. That is who we are, and that is why Allah the Almighty is so merciful, because Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala himself knows we humans will slip up and fall. But listen, it's not impossible and as annoying as it is, as long as you keep trying, keep having that good intentions of becoming better and to do better; trust me those habits will be history.
Whenever we do something for the sake of our lord, everything works out, everything clicks together. These habits you have won't be vanished for one day of course, or a week, it's a process--a journey that we all need to accept. Think of it as a fitness journey, you won't get fit in one day. These things take time and after feeling so negative about myself I realized as long as you try, asking Allah for help, and doing the most you can--it is possible.
I hope these tips do help you, and everyone is different as everyone has different struggles and bad habits. These will either help you or guide you to overcome those habits in your own way. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make it easy for us.
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⤑ 𝑰𝒎𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑸𝒖𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝑶𝒇 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝑵𝒂𝒎𝒂𝒛
I have seen a video of someone asking a scholar why do I still commit these bad deeds/habits if I am performing my five daily prayers? and the answer to this was the quality of your namaz. Do you rush into prayer, are you zoning out, are you not on time for namaz, and etc.
There is of course a lot to this but the quality of your namaz and how much time you spend with our lord does affect our hearts.
One of many ways to re-connect with our lord to become better with our daily prayers are:
Performing your prayers on time (I understand how our laziness could get in the way or how we are so into whatever we were doing before and cannot detach ourselves from this but, a quote I read and did help me at times like this was "Put your time and effort to Allah, and Allah will put his time and effort to you too.")
Recite a dua/surah after your namaz (Ayetel kursi, a repentance dua, La ilaha illallah, wahdahu la sharika lahu, lahul-mulku wa lahul hamdu, yuhyi wa yumitu, wa huwa ala kulli shay'in qadir, and etc.)
Perform your wudhu 15-10 minutes earlier (Let me tell you when I did this it was so effective. When you perform wudhu earlier, you are in a clear-minded state and are purified. Along with you being on time for namaz, this additionally helps you become more focused during namaz)
Perform Dhikr (Subhanallah, Alhamdullilah, Astaghfirullah, La illaha illallah, Allahu Akbar)
Learn the meaning of what you are reciting (When you learn and understand the meaning of the surah/dua's you are reciting, being focused becomes easier and the connection becomes stronger)
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⤑ 𝑫𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔
Create distractions for yourself to not commit those deeds/habits!
Do what you love and enjoy (Go back to those hobbies you used to enjoy! or hang out with your friends and family.)
Educate yourself (Look up interesting things; Learn something new; Watch an islamic podcast)
Get to work (If you have any outstanding work or homework, get straight to it.)
Learn a new surah (Let's say you REALLY have nothing else to do, then what better way to spend that time in something worthy--learning a surah!)
Go outside and enjoy nature!
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⤑ 𝑩𝒖𝒊𝒍𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑮𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝑯𝒂𝒃𝒊𝒕𝒔
Along with giving up those bad habits, create new good habits to incorporate in your day-to-day life!
Each day, add something in your routine--even if its small! For instance, get back to that skin care routine you were so lazy to do; or go on that walk you kept saying later to; or even folding your clothes and organizing your closet. Each time you add a good habit to do, you become distracted to those bad habits, have less time do commit them, and on the long run you are creating habits for a better difference!
With this in mind, please do not do everything at once. To prevent a negative on-going cycle, just like that book "Atomic Habits" said, that "If you can get 1% better each day for one year, you'll end up with 37 times better by the time you're done."
A habit to always include and progress even more is repentance! Recite and repeat Astaghfirullah; Ya Gaffar and Ya Gafoor; as well as the repentance surah's! Before doing anything, always say Bismillah and whether you're doing chores or scrolling on your phone, always say Astaghfirullah. This helps you be more aware of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala!
And lastly, remember you can do it!
: ̗̀➛ Allahumma musarrifal-qulubi, sarrif qulubana 'ala ta'atika
O Allah! Controller of the hearts, direct our hearts to Your obedience.
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becca-e-barnes · 1 year
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I've been really caught up in the thought of gentler, intimate sex recently and the thought of it almost slipping into body worship. I write a lot about men appreciating a feminine body but there's something so lovely in slowing down and truly taking time to appreciate the man you're being intimate with.
I think it’d so grounding to have slow, passionate sex with dbf!bucky.  The type where even the pleasure of sex and mutual orgasms comes second to the pleasure of just feeling him.
Because I think being on top, almost just cockwarming him while you steal pleasure from the gentlest touches would be so rewarding.  His dick inside you has you feeling pleasantly full but for now, you’ve parked all thoughts of paying it any attention.
Instead, your fingers glide through his hair, parting it with very little resistance.  He’d let it get slightly longer recently but it suits him well, as do the few greys scattered through the roots.  It feels soft and with each little graze of your fingernails against his scalp, he groans quietly, his hips rising slightly off the bed to press himself impossibly deeper inside you.
He thrives off touch and that’s all you want to give him.  You want to touch him and never stop but as you tear your focus away from his hair, you let your hands wander lower.  Your fingertips drift over his cheeks, the light dusting of stubble feels coarse under your touch but it’s certainly not unpleasant.  Meeting his gaze makes your chest ache because you wonder how often the beautiful man under you sees himself the way you do.
He links his hands in yours, slotting your fingers together before bringing one of yours to his lips and kissing across your knuckles.  You didn’t expect this tenderness but God, you need it, almost as much as he does.
“You’re beautiful.”  No matter how many times you tell him, it never feels right. It's not the word you're looking for but saying nothing would feel like more of a crime than being inarticulate.  
He chuckles quietly to himself and doesn’t say much, watching as you grind your hips, seemingly desperate to remind yourself of the fact his length has found a home in your body.
“You feel perfect.”  Your voice is shaky, rational thought consumed by the feeling of pleasure thrumming through your veins once more.  Your soft, wet cunt glides down on his length like you were made to fit together like this.
His strong hands land on your hips, guiding your rhythm, keeping you moving nice and slowly.  In the meantime, your hands drift from his bare shoulders, down to the expanse of his chest.  Your fingertips tease the tiny, soft curls of hair across the breadth of his chest but you’re entirely consumed by the heat of his body.  He’s so warm and it’s a very pleasant reminder that you really are here with him. You have all the time in the world. 
Reaching the centre of his chest, you feel the gentle thumping of his heart under the flat palm of your hand and for a moment, it all just feels so real.  There’s nowhere else you’d rather be than right there in the room you share.
“Baby…” He groans, his voice low, arching his hips off the bed to fuck himself into you because you’ve been so distracted, you let your mind wander.
Fuck, that feels good.  The tip of his dick nudges perfectly against your sweet spot, right where you need it and you feel yourself flutter in response.
“Good girl, just hold still. That's it. Good girl.”  You do as you’re told, letting him thrust into you from below, losing himself in a way that you only want to encourage because it feels incredible for you too.
Your fingertips desperately try to dig into his chest and you notice how his skin dimples under your frantic touch.  Every one of your thoughts are about this man in that moment.  Nothing else crosses your mind and nothing else matters.  You’re consumed by the smell of his aftershave, the heat of his body and the glide of his cock in and out of you.
“Touch yourself.”  He encourages, his teeth gritted, holding back for your sake.  He’d usually take the opportunity to touch you himself but this time he needs you to do it and you’re more than happy to.  “Please, fuck, I’m so close.”
Hearing him broken like that makes you wetter than you thought possible.  He’s always so stoic.  He never loses control.  He’s calm and reserved and admired for his composure but not when he’s inside you.  You’re the only person who gets to hear how he sounds when his self-control slips away and it’s beyond rewarding.
Your fingers circle your own clit, rubbing yourself while Bucky continues to thrust up into you. He's so close to losing it. He's hanging on by a thread, promising to fill you, to stuff you full and make you a mother.
He knows you far too well and you're cumming within a few minutes, mindlessly riding out your orgasm on his dick. His need comes second for just a moment, pleasure making your body tighten and throb around his.
You vaguely register that he's cumming too, shortly after you do. You feel his hips stutter and then the telltale pulses of his cum into your body. He groans, holding your trembling thighs to keep you in place until he's given you everything he can.
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whollyjoly · 13 days
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so aisha just tweeted this....
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and im looking at those last two emojis 😐😳....
and i remember that lou said this....
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...and this....
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...
...what does it MEAN??
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oatbugs · 6 months
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. anyway after writing the tags 4 this post i told my research partner i will no longer follow his dreams lmao. still helping w it but i need to engage in research that i find satisfying
#i think ive been waiting for something for a while and i will spend the next year waiting for it too#i thought i felt panic but i have decided to read it as anticipation. the thrill of rejection or of moving forward or the latter as#a result of the former. i left you with your backpack unattended in the cafe because on fridays i am done#putting my life on hold for another whim-without-a-warning#this cross country service is delayed by 26 minutes so i will grab a bucket and start shovelling the water away from the tracks#everyone is moving on in some different way and im sorry if you think im mean for telling you getting so drunk will disable you from#recording your brainwaves effectively but it seems like you think i owe you an awful lot. one year ago in four days my friend got me hegel's#science of logic for my birthday and i thanked him for proving to me the existence of things this is what i do he said#and then he will spend the rest of his life breathing philosophy and i dont want to spend the rest of my life#breathing someone elses dreams i wait for the moment of realisation. this is now a 30 minute delay. i was supposed to worship beautiful#things and that is what i will do. i think i have a best friend and i know i have a lover and i know to#restrict my love the way you have. im sorry. i hope you understand when i tell you. i am now sitting on the floor in the luggage section of#this incredibly busy train and i saw a photo of her with her boyfriend and her hair in braids smiling like a fool this is the#except a week ago you told me you almost took too much this time to live. you are a beautiful girl with a beautiful soul and you know you#have already changed the world and it somehow was not enough. now you are smiling without any makeup on next to him#and yesterday you cried in an airport in the states when you were too full of love. this is the most extraordinary human being i have met.#tomorrow he heads off to princeton while his best friend heads to harvard. he goes there to make the world a better place. he is the most#extraordinary person i have ever met. the issue with human beings is that we are incredibly good at almost dying and keeping going.#you try to kill yourself and publish a paper and give a talk. you negotiate the seperation between your own parents and submit another#phd application. i am surrounded by extraordinary people with extraordinary minds and incredibly broken happy hearts.#i only see you smile when you talk about robotics. i still dont know how manifolds work and i love the concept anyway. i dont know.#i do know that i refuse to live unsatisfied.#you can keep drinking. im going to drink this reality up#i think i was a horrible person and i refuse to engage with that mentality again no matter what it takes.
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qumiiiquinnquin · 6 months
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ill never be good enough at anything
#vent#events of today only proved it#im genuinely so close to giving up completely#i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing#I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im#the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did#i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships#i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long#i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math#i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive#hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough#i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi#i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i#know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out#i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on#just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height#the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly.#ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from#if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic#i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me#i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.
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pastelchad · 1 year
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More sih yuri posting:
What if in addition to constantly being pushed to practice cooking and cleaning, fem!Ritsu was constantly forced to babysit her younger cousins and kids around the neighborhood? She had to babysit so much that she hardly had time for anything else and is still bitter about it
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pepprs · 2 years
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i don’t know what the fuck is going on or why its happening to me but every SINGLE day since saturday something has come up related to [data expunged]. and it is genuinely making me crazy. idk if the universe is trying to show me a sign or plunge me into misery but i would like everyone and everything everywhere to shut up about [data expunged] effective immediately because it has made things very uncomfortable very fast and i am NOT having a good time
#i made a mistake of writing about it too and now everything is weird because of it. i just want to bury my head under a pillow and let 3#weeks go by and hopefully it’ll have been long enough for the coincidences to stop and to be forgotten. but like omggggg why was the one#ig video that got recommended to me about this specific topic in the specific way that upsets me and makes me feel like a burden for things#i can’t control AND makes me feel primal anxiety / rage at being left out (🥴) AND makes me feel defective because ive redacted redacted r#redacted. lollll. and the thing is even if im not aware of it it’s never gonna go away and i have t actually act on it to make it better and#to feel less lonely / defective / left out / whatever. but how do i even do that. i live in a pit of quicksand and would never redacted on p#principle. so im doomed to be like this my whole life i guess bc clearly im never moving out of here and will always be across the hall from#redacted and around people who will always be smarter and more experienced and whatever than me. ughhjhjhhhhghrghhhhhhb mental illnessssss 😍#delete later#purrs#like i don’t understand how some social things come so easily to people. i am apparently pretty good at faking understanding bc ive gotten#by ok enough but i just don’t understand and everyone else seems to but me. and i was thinking abt this last night as i was faling asleepnwn#and i was too tired to write it down so im doing it now / here i guess: i just KNOW i will be too skittish to redacted. still. at 23. if#something comes my way or if it’s like any of the other ones i will be too skittish and i will shake it off again and i don’t know why. i#ruin friendships when i do that. i need to stop. but i can feel my skittishness when i think about it and i hate that#also for the record this is not abt anyone on here or about anything anyone on here can fix / is directly involved w. sorry
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fabcreature · 9 months
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me: *desperately needs praise for the work i do or i will shatter from the heartache*
also me: *at least once a month cries and shatters from the heartache bc i'm convinced every single bit of praise i ever get is either a lie just to be nice, or misguided bc they don't realize i'm a fraud*
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loumauve · 10 months
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#running face first straight into every single rejection sensitive wall atm and it's so frustrating#like. can we just not do this rn brain? I'm too tired to deal with this on top of everything else#all it does is make me alienate myself from people I care about and make me feel like shit afterwards#and it doesn't fix any of the underlying issues either. (like. I've been upset about ppl not doing what I do)#(as in read all of my fic like I try to read all my friends' fic usually. but like.. not everyone can and not everyone wants to)#(but it's one of those irrational things of 'if they cared about me wouldn't they also try' even tho that's not a fair ask)#(and like.. most people don't read random fic for fandoms they're not even in so this is entirely stupid to be upset about)#(but here we are anyway)#just.. me. raw to the very nerve and too tired to fix anything that might help alleviate it#I just want to feel normal again. and like I have control over my emotional state#but between 'dude fucked up bc of his borderline being triggered by grief and letting out all his frustrations on me for weeks'#and 'other dude grieving but not processing and not even taking a break to figure out where he's at emotionally..#..therefore dropping all of his unprocessed baggage and his part of the group work right on top of me' I'm just having a heck of a month#and idk. it would have been nice to talk to sb about my fic even if it's older now and not the best perhaps#(doesn't help when everybody you know writes really great fic and you're just outside the door scribbling some ideas into the sand)#idk. usually I do better in disconnecting self-worth and accomplishments and stop myself before the comparisons with others start#but rn it's all too much and I'm drained and exhausted and nothing feels good or helps much at all.#anyway.#it is what is I guess. and what it is is fucked and I doubt it's gonna change anytime soon.#that's not me being unrealistic or depression talking. it's based on how things have progressed thus far#there's another year and a half of this kind of stress which will likely get worse when our group grows from 18 to 31 in October#and then I'd have to start working proper again which I haven't in over two years bc of all the rehabilitation I've been going through#and it's terrifying and I'm already exhausted and worn down and worn out and I just don't know how normal is ever gonna be my life again
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ironmanstan · 1 year
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so tired of seeing peoples stupid posts on my dash i dont feel like injecting this with a moral argument this aspect just fucking annoys me but anyway buying blue checkmark is a false equivalence to a tangible object theres a very easy to acknowledge difference between donating to ao3 2.0 and buying like a toy lol take that as you will but dont act like its not the truth
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lonelyvomit · 1 year
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#hi im having a bad night and everyone is allowed to ignore this i literally just need to rant#.........................................................................#................................................................................................#.............................................................................................................#.........................................................................................#........................................................................................................#..........................................................................................#it's just not fucking getting better is it#I've been fucked in the head for 3 weeks cus I cant stop thinking about how 4 years ago this time I was at the psych ward#and honestly? I lowkey wish I was again. it was the most stress free period I remember ever having in my life.#and I'm getting more tired and it's causing a lot more bad days and days I'm too tired to talk to people properly#and of course. that has the same consequences it always does. I'm not fucking surprised.#but it's spiraling me right back into feeling like the worst friend in the world which in turn makes me convinced no one actually likes me#that everyone is secretly just fucking annoyed with me but no one is saying it out loud cause everyone else is pretending to like me too#and the worst thing is I'm supposed to go meet a bunch of people in Helsinki in 10 days but I feel like no one really cares if I go or not#probably even prefer if I didn't uknow I'm not really part of that group the same way the others are#I'm fucking terrified of sticking my nose where I'm not wanted.#and obvs if I was a normal fucking person I'd just talk to people and make sure we're still good and no one hates me#but I'm ill and exhausted which has my social battery in the fucking negatives and I just cant do Conversations rn#which. is the exact fucking problem. literally here I go again. this is why people hate me. this is why they leave.#and I cant fucking blame them. if being friends with me is like talking to a brick wall half of the time#why would anybody bother? I cant expect them to. I don't expect them to.#the question is do I wait til everybody drops me or do I make it easy for everyone and just go away myself.#..#anyway. like said my social battery is in the negatives anyway & I just wanted to scream.#no need to react to this in any way. not like I'll have the energy to answer 🙃#im gonna go watch stupid lets play videos and try not to cough my lungs out#cheers.
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afternines · 11 months
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ienvieu · 1 year
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the irony that is me loving my parents and still them being the two people i am the least honest to and feel the least safe with my secrets
#today was shit#i pray that tomorrow is better#he knows. he understands. he makes me forget. he probably doesnt even know how seen i feel and how much of a breath of air he is to me#he makes me forget when he's nearby even when he's doing nothing and i feel so so safe that he knows#and he's so kind and is so warm-hearted#he is so tender inside and i have seen him cry more than a few times because of things i dont want to mention#and he doesnt push even when he addresses the elephant in the room and i never feel judged#and i only see him thrice a year for a week each time#and those weeks are the highlights of my year#so bizarre how i feel more cared for by someone i barely see rather than the people who raised me#relapsed awfully aggressively when i was months clean and i feel horrible i kept praying for forgiveness. i feel disgusting#mom would it have killed you to just help me#it's been four hours ever since and since then i was distracted by things i had to do but now#then i had to hang the laundry and not having any distractions and being left with my own thoughts made me spiral again#good lord#i just#i wonder if everyone else feels like dying every day like me. she always says that she struggled too and that she stayed up late manytimes#and i know she had it difficult too but our lives have been so different that our childhoods simply can never be compared and i want to#scream and destroy everything but i cant so i can only destroy my own body and im so helpless idk what to do#tw: mental health#i feel so spiteful and i want to show her everything and scream that she did this to me and that it's all her fault#but i love her too much to hurt her like that. it would kill her.#and ig it's all my fault for being a horrible being and for being a failure and turning out ill like this. i just dont know anymore#i think i had an episode of psychotic rage again. everywhere hurts but i still cant get the ugly feeling in me go away
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pears-trinkets · 4 months
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#i asked my upstairs neighbor to not vacuum at 4am because theyve done it several times#and she answered with WELL I DONT MIND IT WHEN MY FRIEND UPSTAIRS DOES IT SO THAT SEEMS LIKE A YOU PROBLEM#IT WAS LIKE 5 SECONDS ANYWAY AND I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING ELSE EVER SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD PLUG YOUR EARS#she was like yeah i spilled cat litter so i had to obviously#like... okay if it was time sensitive maybe idk use paper towels or idk a broom get creative AT 4 FUCKING AM or just wait????#and then she was like WELL ANYWAY HOPE YOU FIND THE REAL CULPRIT because i mentioned how her moving stuff at night wakes me up#why is asking for other people to care a bit so hard 💀💀💀 why does it feel like shit#why am i feeling like im evil for asking her to be considerate at night time??#she said WELL I DONT MIND VACUUMING AND IT WAS REALLY SHORT ANYWAY so much#that i had to say well im still asking you to stop bc its against the houserules#and shes friends with so many other people in the building i bet now everyone knows me as the weird naggy bitch 💀💀💀#i havent been able to sleep properly in weeks because someone drumms until midnight and when i fall asleep after that theyre loud upstairs#and i know many people here have night shift jobs and i honestly slept better when i did too#but thats not an excuse to not even try to be quieter at night#i know it doesnt feel good to be accused of something and i tried to word it very nicely and not as harsh but come on#im an exhausted anxious person with issues i dont think im asking too much pls dont respond like this
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