#and hugged them and sang part of silver tongues during their embrace

[larrylimericks]

12May24

A Tomlinson hug can’t cure blindness But a barricade moment reminds us: Our hearts can perceive Things our eyes cannot see, Like love and compassion and kindness.

[agrinsosardonic]

Unused CSB Chapter

Our third year attending Camp White Wolf in the Catskills. I was a shrimp approaching thirteen and my bones always hurt from growing. Sephiroth hit his first growth spurt and towered over me like one of the mountains that surround that camp. And no sooner did my parents pull away from us- not to be seen for six weeks- Sephiroth abandoned me for the older boys he made friends with last year. Leaving me alone. I expected it. I knew he would do this. A common thread, but it didn’t change the crushing rejection that I felt. That I carried on my shoulders as I grabbed my bag and found my cabin. 

My time there remains a blur. I remember the smell of the still lake later and wood wet with Summer. Bugs sang songs in whispering trees in between attacking my skin. The hot sun, humidity, that muffles the sounds of camp. The disturbed water from rowing. The shouts of competition. The mess hall and the static of conversations I could never find myself to become a part of. I sat alone. Strangled by my thoughts. My lack of self-esteem even though my braces had just come off. 

Your teeth look big now. 

Sephiroth had said. I ran my tongue over them instinctively every-time I remembered that comment. 

I never attempted to make friends in that place. All the boys just seemed so much more put together. And handsome. And I cringed every time that thought floated into my head. I wasn’t supposed to think that like; pinched my eyes shut and tried to think about anything else. Video games, or comic books. Horror movies were a great relief, because it’s fucking real hard to get a boner thinking about a girl getting sawed in half. Everything is ten times more difficult at thirteen. Body always tense with pain. My dick constantly tried to give me away. My brain just then started hearing that voice that whispers in the shadows- all the solutions to my problems. 

By the third day, I wanted to call my mom and beg her to pick me up. The boys in my cabin, often secretly led by Seph, decided I was an easy target and tortured me every morning. Traps I would step into like a fly to a web. And my best friend, the one my parents asked to watch me, nowhere to be found. Alone. The kind of alone that I can actually feel. Like I’m being crushed between two walls closing in- suffocating. No way out. 

Sat by the lake and thought about hurting myself for the first time. At the time, the thought seemed logical. Injure myself in a way that would get me sent home. Burn myself on a fire, or cut myself with a blade. In reflection, this was the first time I considered self-harm as an outlet. One I would end up returning to time and time again. But, then, twelve years and eleven months, pissed look etched upon my face while I thought about all the ways I could destroy myself, someone sat next to me with a loud hmph announcing his presence. 

Did the lake do something to piss you off?

I no longer can remember the sound of his voice.

But I had turned my head and saw him sitting next to me, knees up to his chest and arms listlessly draped over them. I recognized him from the previous years. His deep black hair wild like the forest at midnight. Blue eyes that glimmered like the moon. He wore the white camp shirt they gave us and black swim trunks. I knew his name. Zack Fair. But I had no idea why he decided to sit next to me.

Well?

I stuttered through my words, still not used to the absence of metal in my mouth. Uh, w-what?

You look like you’re about to fight the lake.

I brought my eyes back to the green and blue rocky body of water. Zack was two years older, just shy of his fifteenth birthday which would have him working at the camp as a Junior counselor, instead of a participant. We didn’t hang with the same group- well. I didn’t have a group. He did. And all I could think about was those friends lurking in the shadows waiting for my guard to drop so they could play a cruel prank on me.

You know, this lake sucks. He continued, it attacked me my first year here and I’m not over it!

He showed me his foot, by practically shoving it in my face so I could see the faded pink scar on the sole. Attacked by a rock! First week too. Never forgave it. So, if you’re trying to fight the lake, I got your back.

I cracked a smile. A small one but showed my teeth. And I remember the way he tilted his head. Like a puppy. You’re kinda cute when you smile. You should more often. You’ll have all the ladies chasing after you!

My stomach flipped.

Actually, that never happened before and I thought I was going to throw up and started getting nervous. But his smile, bright and comforting, kept me from fleeing to the coldness of my cabin. 

You’re Cloud, right? And I remember being shocked he knew my name. He revealed he was captain of the opposing Volleyball team in that afternoon’s game. Which saw my pathetic attempts at being useful in a sport rewarded with a ball to the face, the stomach, and somehow my legs much to the resentment of my teammates; who slung every vile slur they had learned in their young lives. 

I felt a wave of hot embarrassment. Tried to bury my face in my knees but he pressed on. Complimenting my attitude despite the failure. I shot pointed glares at my teammates and continued to play despite their displeasure with me. That takes balls, man he smiled. 

We sat together at the lake while the sun descended over the water casting a fiery glow against the water. He informed me he came from New Jersey, mocked me gently when I revealed I’m from Staten Island. We argued over which state has the better pizza. What life was like back home. He was entering Sophomore year of high school-and I always forget that fact when I reflect on our relationship...if I could even call it that. 

Zack became my friend first; guiding me during those dark weeks of camp. He invited me to sit at his table in the mess hall with his two other buddies. He taught me how to throw a football in a perfect spiral. Took me rowing on the lake during free time. Picked me first in every team sport, including capture the flag which saw Sephiroth on the opposing team. 

And we won. 

And I do sometimes remember the sensation when Zack threw his strong arms around me, cheering my success. How it felt like a million needles pricking my skin and my heart thundered to a halt. And I was so caught up in the fleeting moment of pure euphoria, I barely acknowledged the strange look Sephiroth shot threw his silver bangs as he cocked his head to the side and watched Zack and I be ushered off to revel in our victory. I recall it at times when he gives me that same look. The same look he gave when he asked about Reno the first time. And I get sick just thinking about how far back he planned everything. 

The night of the victory, after dinner with our team and sharing scary stories over the campfire, Zack walked me back to my cabin late. And pulled me into a hug I didn’t understand at the time. And another feeling pooled in the pit of my stomach when he ran his big hands down my back, stopping short of my buttocks before bringing them back up. Nerves. He felt so much bigger than me. Maybe at the time I felt safe in that embrace. But it’s tainted now but what happened after. And while he whispered Good Job, shorty in my ear like a supportive friend, I think I knew there was something else he wanted to say. Something he communicated with an extra squeeze before he released me into the damp darkness of my cabin. 

I laid in bed that night thinking only of Zack. 

Recalling the last few weeks of our budding friendship. Calculated every time he found an excuse to touch me, whether it be a playful push or messing up my hair or kicking me underneath the table. His defense of me to the few friends he had, who hated a tiny kid running around behind them like Peter Pan’s unwanted shadow. Counted on my fingers how many times he gave me this look, the same look Tifa would give me under the covers. 

And I realized between the obvious fucking tent in my pants and the rush of butterflies in my stomach- I was in pre-pubscent love with Zack. 

My friend. 

The older boy who took pity on me. 

And maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way. 

I laugh about it now, when I’m throwing back shots of vodka to numb myself from the trauma of it all. But then, I couldn’t help the smile that stretched across my face that remained there until one of my cabin mates discovered my issue and called me out in front of everyone. 

I forgot how easy rumors start. 

But I hadn’t considered that fact

And maybe history just repeats itself.

Zack became my first in almost everything..

My first real kiss under the moonlight after we snuck into the lake after hours. Jumped in with our clothes on- and despite the heat that hung in the air, the water felt like frost. But he was warm. When he ran his hands against my cheek. When our lips met. And I thought this was the most beautiful feeling I could ever experience. The height of human emotion.

And one night, after sneaking out successfully for almost a week, we went to where they stored the canoes- and I never found out how he accessed the shed. He whispered promises in my ear. Told me I was beautiful. 

I played a dangerous game; followed his lead. Accepted acts I offered in return without understanding the consequences. Curse of childhood is short sightedness. And I mistook his acceptance of me as loyalty. And I got myself wrapped up in him that I forgot the person I was before he engulfed me in his gaze. I wanted to be Zack as much as I wanted Zack to love me; like the love they show in movies. Artificial passion.��

Playing these memories back, only three and a half years later, it feels like a different life. And as soon as I feel those rough reminders, my brain shuts down. I’ve drank him away so many times, I find him to be more of a phantom than a tangible being of meat and bones. Who took my innocence away.

And then like a switch flipped-

I approached him at our usual spot in the mess hall. He ignored me. 

When I tried making strain conversation, he offered one word answers. 

The judgmental eyes of his friends drilled into me. And I left with my head low; wondering what I did wrong. Thinking he got tired of me just like Sephiroth did. 

Sephiroth, I found him in the cabin reading one of the comics I brought with me. Lounging in his bunk. Eyes darted to me. And all he said I heard a rumor. 

Apparently someone discovered our actions in the canoe. And that someone threatened Zack he would tell the whole camp. But that someone felt so inclined to tell Sephiroth what he saw. My stomach dropped out of my body. The hazel-eyed boy just stared at me as he vacantly recalled the information he received from his source. And followed with how disgusted he was to be associated with me. 

And I denied.

Denied

Denied. With increasing alarm. And with every crack of my voice, his lips curled. Twitched into a smile. 

And I denied until I started believing in my own words. 

And I blamed Zack-

But I don’t think I’m entirely wrong in that. Which adds another stone to my back that crushes me. One I should have started cracking when I went to therapy and maybe I wouldn’t be such a confused, chaotic, disaster of a person. Any self-confidence I had captured crumbled and turned to dust that year.

I tried to bury all those memories instead of actually addressing them- and now here I am. Presented with a similar situation. An enemy, under the guise of a friend, had weaponized a personal part of myself for his own selfish pleasure. And I stand alone. Bailed on by a person who claimed to care-

And maybe it’s time to change the narrative. 

[sugas-hime-blog]

My Christmas Gift for My RFA Girl Squad!!!

@reifromrfa @rainydayswriter @god7072therescue

I hope you all like it! I’m sorry it’s not more. I had so much fun writing this!!!!

It was Christmas evening. Leilanna was getting ready for the private RFA Party. It was for members and their plus ones, if they had one, only. Of course she didn't need her plus one since the leader of the foundation was her date. He had been out traveling again and she missed him dearly. Just a few things to finish up, he had promised. Hating when he was away but knowing he needed to do this for himself, Leilanna would patiently wait each time for his return.

Leilanna had chosen to curl her long red hair tonight. She used the curling iron to form her hair into tight bouncy ringlets that fell down to her waist. Finishing up the curling process, she stuck some pale blue sparkly snowflakes clips into her hair. She had bought them just for this event and they would compliment her dress very well. When she put the final touches on her hair, she sprayed it in place with some hair spray and walked over to her closet where her ball gown was hanging.

Taking it off the hanger, Leilanna gently lifted the gown over her head and slid it over her hourglass figure. She smoothed it down around her hips and reached back to zip it up. This was a challenge but she managed to do so. Seeing the time on her wall she realized that she needed to hurry. She sat back down at her bordeaux where she did her hair and began expertly applying her makeup. It was something that took her years to perfect. Leilanna finished her makeup as quickly as she could without messing it up.

In about 30 minutes she was completely ready to go. A knock at the door from Driver Kim told her that she was just in the knock of time. Jumin and Rei were probably at the venue already with Jaehee making sure the final touches were in place. She locked up behind her and hurried to the limousine. Hoping Jihyun would be on time, she headed to the venue just a little bit early because she couldn’t contain her excitement in seeing him and her closest friends.

Upon arrival she was surprised that the first people she saw were Yoosung and his girlfriend, Cassia. Her short blonde hair framed her face nicely and she wore a midnight blue ball gown with silver sparkles adorned onto it. She looked absolutely amazing. Leilanna could tell Yoosung thought so as well. The poor boy could barely keep his eyes off her. Leilanna was so glad one of her best friends had found a perfect match in Yoosung. They were so right for each other. Leilanna walked over to them and greeted them politely.

“Hello Cassia, Yoosung. How do you do on this lovely evening? Merry Christmas,” she exclaimed the last part and drew the blonde girl in for a tight squeeze. Leilanna told her how gorgeous she looked and Cassia looked away shyly as she mumbled a thank you. They conversed happily for a few minutes before Yoosung excused them to go get them something to drink. Smiling and waving to them politely, she turned around and saw Jumin and Rei making their way over to her to give her greetings.

Rei looked absolutely stunning in a royal purple gown that touches the floor. It had short sleeves but they were sheer and had a beautiful floral design on it. She looked ever the part of the party coordinator. Elegant, graceful, glamorous...Leilanna could go on but stopped their as the young couple finally reached her. Jumin bowed lightly and Leilanna curtsied back towards him in a formal greeting. They were close, but Jumin liked to keep formalities towards his woman and her beautiful lady friends, especially at events like this. “Hello Jumin. Hello Rei! The place looks amazing! You’ve done great this evening. You look amazing by the way,” she added the last part to Rei who just smiled dazzlingly in reply.

They made some small talk as they slowly walked around the room and checked on last minute details. During this time Vanderwood and Saeran showed up and made their greetings. Neither of them were taken at the moment and they had some weird bromance going on that nobody really expected. Everyone was happy that they were attempting to be sociable. Just as she finished hugging Vanderwood in a greeting, Leilanna heard a clearing of the throat as someone was clearing trying to get her attention. She turned around to see what they needed and smiled brightly upon seeing who was there.

It was Saeyoung and Maisie. Leilanna was thrilled to see them and boy did Maisie look amazing. Her chocolate brown to light blonde ombre hair had been elegantly twisted into a high bun. The dress she wore burgundy gothic victorian ball gown that made her look the complete part of the princess. Saeyoung couldn’t keep his greedy little hands off of her so Leilanna had to gently push her arm through Maisie’s and guide her to the side away from Saeyoung just a bit. “I’m stealing her for a few. She’s mine for now,” Leilanna teased and stuck her tongue out.

Staring into the eyes of her dearest friend, she was lost in them for a moment as she always was. With one brown eye and one blue, people often stared at her in curiosity, but not Leilanna and Saeyoung. When they looked into Maisie’s eyes it was in pure awe and wonder. They could see more in her than most people could and she truly had a beautiful soul. Leilanna took one of her hands and squeezed it.

“You look like a Princess tonight, Mais,” Leilanna cooed.

“Me? V is going to practically faint at the sight of you,” Maisie gushed over her.

Speaking of V. Where the hell was he? Probably late as usual. Leilanna sighed and Maisie gave her a knowing hug in comfort. “He’ll be here Letty,” she smiled and assured her. Leilanna nodded and tried not to let it get to her. Maisie poked her side and made her laugh. The two girls giggled and chatted as all the guests showed up except Jihyun. When the music started Saeyoung interrupted the woman and asked for Maisie’s hand in a dance, which she looked at Leilanna, who nodded, then happily accepted.

All the couples were soon on the dance floor. Leilanna was happy for them, but she was envious as well. Where their dates were always around, hers often didn’t show up at all. Watching for a few moments as the happy couples danced with each other, Leilanna turned around and headed toward the drink table. She was going to need more than a few glasses of wine to get through this night. Someone was there taking care of drinks and he poured her the wine of the night that Jumin had no doubt had a hand in picking. Just as she took her first sip, she felt a tapping on her shoulder.

Turning around to see who it was, Leilanna gasped and almost cried as the love of her life stood before her. Jihyun had made it! Leilanna immediately set her drink down on the table and threw herself into his arms. Jihyun wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head. “I’m sorry I’m late ma chroix, but I would never leave you alone on Christmas,” he whispered as he sang his nickname for her. It was an old gaelic term meaning “my heart” because that’s what she was. His heart. If she wasn’t in his life, there wasn’t a thing he would be able to do. His heart literally only beat for her.

After embracing her, Jihyun took a step back to take the site of her in. She looked flawless. More so than she usually did. Which was saying something. She wore a pale blue ball gown with glittery snowflakes scattered around. A sheer short sleeve shawl covered her shoulders and a choker of the same color was around her delicate neck. For a moment, Jihyun was breathless as he stared at her in wonder. How in the world was this beautiful goddess his and only his?

“May I have this dance,” he questioned as he extended his hand toward hers.

“You may,” she responded softly and accepted his hand.

As they made their way to the dance floor, they didn’t notice all their friends stop to happily watch the couple reuniting. Nobody else was in the room to them. It was just the two of them. They slow danced the night away. The rest of the RFA and their significant others did the same. It was the best Christmas any of them ever had. They were so happy they got to spend it together.

The End

Rei’s Dress!!!

Cassia’s Dress!!!

Maisie’s Dress!!! 

Last but not least...Leilanna’s Dress!!!

[exitiumparit]

Little fic thing inspired by some half formed plots and AUs I’ve talked about with @bellassan, @tachiisms, @roanlxnds, and @enneads, plus lots of emotional mother/daughter bonding of Chyla and Adiri.

“I knew the woman who owned this, when I was younger.”

Adiri watched her mom climb up a dead tree at the edge of a murky lake. It was in the early evening now, and the sunlight streaming through the smogged clouds lit dust particles into the air. The idea of her mom in a tree again made her nervous--decades of the kind of long hours she put in and she had a body much older than her actual age. Hair, previously a bright, floral pink, had faded now to a mostly silvery white. The old sky-blue of her skin was now cast gray.

“Mom! Why can’t I go up there?” Adiri sighed, nervously shifting down at the ground.

“I didn’t bury this very far, ‘Diri, give me just--Aha!” A panel within the tree fell away and her mom dislodged a dust covered....lightsaber. Carefully, slowly, her mom climbed down and sat in the dead grass. The younger woman didn’t sit immediately, staring at the hilt of the blade as if it was going to ignite at any second. She’d never seen one like this in person--had her mom carried one like this?

“C’mon, Adiri. Sit, and I’ll explain some more to you,” she promised. Tentatively, Adiri relented and bit back the dozens of questions forming on her tongue. The ground was uncomfortable, and for a moment, all she could think about was the soft ground she’d slept on in Alderaan.

“The woman who owned this--her name was Siri Tachi. She was a Jedi Master during the Clone Wars--had a Padawan who just a year or so older than me when I was in the Order myself. Her--Her Padawan was Fess.”

“Ferus,” Adiri corrected. It was odd to know and love the name of one person and find that they had lived an entirely different identity all together. Fess with his sad eyes and distant glances and his home on Alderaan had been a constant in a life where not much had been constant at all. And then he was there--and then he was gone. Just like so many other things. But his name had been Ferus Olin, and apparently he’d played the vioflute and walked around his streets, his parks, just to see how the people in the city were that day. He’d had a husband named Roan who her mom had taken care of in the Rebellion, and friends, and a family. He’d fought for his home and then lost it all; his husband, his friends, his home.

Even without ever having known Roan Lands, Adiri wondered what kind of magnificence a person had to bring that much grief into another person’s life. She wondered if she’d ever love a person as much as that.

“Yes. Ferus,” Chyla laughed sadly, leaning back against the tree. “He’d like you for correcting me like that.” They shared a wry smile for a moment.

“Siri was a powerful Jedi. When Ferus left the Order, like I eventually would do myself, it changed a lot about her. But, she was a lot of things you don’t see very often existing in the same body. She was powerful--immensely so, a fearsome warrior. But, she was gentle and understanding and empathetic. I never saw her in battle myself, but I knew the stories. People would run the other way when Siri Tachi decided she wanted to fight, and as much as she was connected to her saber, she knew when to put it down. I can’t tell you how many times she’d say hello to me when I was up in a tree reading, or somewhere in the Archives. She was kind like that, in not a lot of ways many others understood all the time. But, she was an extraordinary being.” Despite a sad, remembering smile on her face, suddenly, Chyla’s golden eyes grew darker.

“I was there when she died. On Azure, during the Clone Wars. I don’t know how it happened or why or what, but I was. And remembering how much Ferus loved her--how much of his life was shaped by her teachings--I, well, I stole her saber,” she laughed. Adiri couldn’t quite think of her mom doing that, but yet again--if it was going to bring comfort to another being, it seemed like exactly what her mom would do.

“I brought it to Ferus here and hid it in this tree. When I left, it was so quick I didn’t have time to go back for it to get it off the planet.” Her voice grew thick, catching on tears stuck in her throat. Adiri reached for her mom’s hand to hold. “It--Bellassa was so much more beautiful then, so much more alive. I’d spend my furloughs here during the war--watching him code, befriending Roan, spending time with the people and swimming in the lakes. The golden afternoon would last for hours--everything seemed to glow with warmth. Even the people. Oh, Adiri--It was just so green--” Speech gave way to tears as she began to cry. Adiri moved closer to rest her head on her mom’s shoulder, hug her arm tighter for a wanting type of comfort she hoped would do something. There were so many years Adiri had been resentful of her mom’s lack of stories, how little she knew about her life. Now that she was finding all these truths, Adiri didn’t know how her mom ever stayed upright.

“I’m sorry, love,” Chyla sighed, wiping her tears on her jacket sleeve before gently patting her daughter’s hand. “I just--I missed this place a lot. It’s hard to see it like this.”

“Then why did you take me here, Mom?”

“To give you this saber, Adiri.”

Um?

The Pantoran extended the saber between them, looking at her daughter’s mismatched eyes affixed to the handle of black and silver and gold in shock.

“I can’t--Mom, I can’t take this--”

“Of course you can. You’re going to be a Jedi in this new galaxy, Adiri. Different than I was, different than any other Jedi before you. The lightsaber is not just a weapon, though--it’s an extension of the Jedi’s arm and you will bond with it in your mind and soul through the Force.”

“Did you with yours?”

“I did, but I struggled to. But, I wasn’t meant to be a Jedi, and I left,” she said gently. Chyla set down the blade between them and gently held her daughter’s face in her hands.

“And if you go to Luke Skywalker and train with him and you don’t feel like this is you, you can leave. Anyone can change their life at any time. It may be difficult to do, but you are never affixed to anything, Adiri. You can find your home anywhere.”

“But, I don’t--I don’t even know who I am, Mom--” The great belief and faith her mom had in her was almost suffocating. She was only seventeen--it didn’t make any sense for anyone to trust her this much, even her mother. How could she make all these decisions when she barely even knew anything about herself?

“I didn’t at your age, either, Adiri. And I’ve changed by the year. You will, too. And you need to spend some time away from my side to find yourself a little easier. But, you’re never without me, okay? You’re never going to be alone, I promise.” Instead of answering, Adiri threw her arms around her mom, hugging her tight. Chyla returned the embrace, gently petting her daughter’s hair. She was eighteen now. Still so much a child, but with memories far darker than she ever deserved for her youth. It was already her decision to train to be a Jedi, and as nervous as it made her to let her go, Chyla knew it was what her daughter needed. Some freedom, some independence, some room to breathe and new places to go.

“I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too, Adiri. Don’t worry, love. You’re going to be okay, I swear it,” she promised, gently kissing the top of her daughter’s head. They stayed like that for just a few moments longer before Adiri pulled away, shyly wiping away her own tears. Then, hesitantly, she wrapped her hand around the lightsaber. It sang to her--quietly, barely--but her energy spiked once she made contact with it.

But, this wasn’t her saber. It was the lightsaber of another person. A Siri Tachi--a Jedi Master who was warrior and mentor and fierceness and kindness. That wasn’t Adiri, though. 

“I’m going to hold it. For now. Until I make my own. And then I’ll do something with this,” she swore, still staring at the blade.

“Then what are you going to do with it?”

“I don’t know. But, maybe Siri will tell me herself. Or Ferus. But, I want to carry my own blade.” She looked up to her mom who looked like she was going to cry all over again.

“Okay, love.” There was a moment of silence, just a heartbeat’s worth of breath between the two, and Adiri almost wondered if she heard Ferus laugh inside her head.

“Come on, Adiri. You have a transport to catch.”

“And where are you going to go, Mom?”

“I have some old friends to visit. A boy who helped me a lot when I lived here for a few months. A woman who I have to thank for raising her son the way she did. Talia--where I met your father. But, you can always find me anywhere you want, Adiri.”

“I know.”

Mother and daughter walked back through the dusty streets and barren planet to the dilapidated, barely running transport station. They shared one last embrace, and the two parted. The mother, to allow herself for the first time to close the grief she’d been burdened with her whole life, and the daughter, to find certain ground to stand on for the first time; where they went, a new galaxy waited for them.