#and i WILL be rereading it religiously for many years i fear

[cthulhum]

just finished restless wanderer WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK WHATTTTTT THE FUCK WHAT THE HELLLL

[revehae]

two days ago, this blog turned two years old. well, that’s if you ignore the fact that i accidentally deleted my blogs this january. in spite of that, so many of you are still here with me and have been supportive even when i was quite literally losing my marbles. you guys have been patient through my periods of inactivity and reread my fics with the same amount of appreciation for them as you had the first read - if not more. and for that, i say thank you.

but i’m also saying goodbye.

just kidding! i was being serious for too long and so i felt the need to potentially strike some fear into someone’s heart for fun. anywho, no, i’m not actually leaving. not yet, anyway. there is so much more i want to do with this blog and so many ideas i want to share that will most likely carry on to the following year. so yeah, you guys are still stuck with me.

am i taking the two-year anniversary of a mostly k-pop tumblr blog teeming with dark, degenerate fantasies that ought to get me stoned by stubby, hairy ogres way too seriously? perhaps. but i’ll never forget what this blog means to me. i’m in a place now where my trauma is no longer something i feel suffocated by or bound to, but when i created this blog, i admit that there were still large parts of me that felt like i was “broken.” this was only possible because i found safe places where i could acknowledge it without fear of being judged, blamed, or attacked.

i realize not everyone has those places. one of the greatest delights i have is being able to own a blog where people with similar experiences as me are able to confront their pain in a way that makes them feel safe, comfortable, and most importantly, in control.

i went through periods of time where i wouldn’t even leave my room because i was so terrified of being subjected to the same nightmare again. i couldn’t go out in public, because when i did, i was constantly worried that someone was out to give me. this affected my relationships with my friends, family, myself, sex, the world - everything. it is a hell i wouldn’t even wish on Trumpington McDonaldton. or would i? just kidding. not really, considering his track record. but, back to the point, i know what it’s like to live in the dark. i know how unfair it is that someone can swoop in, ruin your life, and never, ever face consequences. meanwhile, you are staring at the consequences of what someone else did every single day. i know what it’s like to blame yourself. i know what it’s like to wish that things were different.

but i also know that as unfair as it is, as painful as it is, and as hard as it may be to accept, no one is going to single-handedly fix you. you have to be your own healer. you have to put the work in to build yourself back up and bounce back stronger than ever. i know firsthand how intimidating that can be, however, in my experience, the first step was not hiding from what i’d gone through. in a way that i originally never thought would be possible, writing and reading noncon fics was one of the most helpful ways of doing that. everything about this blog has been extremely cathartic for me. and the best part about it is that many of you have told me it’s cathartic for you as well, which fills me with a glee words cannot describe.

now, of course, my blog is not limited to Traumatized Individuals who had their brains rewired in the worst way possible via some negative experience - although i doubt you’re not still somehow traumatized if you religiously read my content. if you aren’t a victim of SA, you aren’t going to be crucified for reading noncon. it’s okay. don’t worry. but still, i will always support and stand up for those that are, even if they don’t cope in the same way as me. because not reading is also okay. there are so many different ways to cope with SA; i’m just happy to provide one of them to those that seek it out.

again, thank you all! thank you to those that have been here since the beginning. thank you to those that followed me this week. thank you to those who leave nice messages in my inbox, and reblog, and leave comments. thank you to my dearest sweet mutuals. thank you to those who followed me here from lisired and didn’t unfollow me when you realized i’m a little bit insane. thank you to those that read my fics over and over and never get bored! let’s heal together everyone. but let’s also be depraved and Scare The Hoes. and if you read all of this, i love you and i hope you get everything you ever wanted in life.

- with all of the love in the world, revehae!

[nervoushottee]

Good Trouble | Frankie x Fem!Reader x Santiago Fic

Summary: You and the Miller brothers have known each other since childhood. But the years go by and time moves on and the three of you are grown up. But what happens when they come home to visit and the two friends they bring along with them catch your eye??

WARNINGS: Have no military knowledge whatsoever so none of this accurate I’m sure. Really just writing for the boys. So please don’t take offense if any of it is wrong. Also bad parents

NOTE: This fic was 1000% inspired by @astroboots Homecoming Universe. I can’t explain how many times I’ve reread that ENTIRE series and I truly love it. I can’t picture Frankie without Santi now and vice versa. Truly a work of art. PLEASE READ IT

[2k? And some change] (Might make a Smut Part 2??)

NOT EDITED, We die like the horny sluts we are.

————————————————————————

You, Will and Benny were like three peas in the pod. Having grown up together in the same neighborhood, went to the same church when your family felt religious, even went to the same high school together. You and Benny were around the same age, graduated in the same year a few years after Will did.

You and Will were close, he was the brotherly comfort you always wanted and needed. He looked after you as if you were just another sibling. Always around, always here for you. Do you need a ride somewhere? He’s there. There’s a rat you found in your parents garage? Lock the door, scream into the phone about the small animal and he’s there with a bucket and a shovel.

You confided in him about things even Benny never knew and at times, he did too. You loved each other, a calm and quiet love that you would forever cherish.

You and Benny were an entirely different story. When Will brought out the peace and slowness out of you. Benny brought the fire and chaos. You had it in you always, especially with how strict your parents were growing up. Only allowing you to go to school and back or to Will and Benny’s. Fearful that their only daughter would get corrupted by the world and influenced by others. But what your parents didn’t know was that Benny was simply the amplifier of your chaos. The younger brother of sweet and calm Will had to be just like him right?

Going into high school, that’s when it finally snapped. Too many years of being obedient, too many years of being compliant. You were antsy and full of anger and energy. And Benny, he grew into a 6ft 3 firecracker who always got in trouble at school. One night, you told your parents you were going to a party and it didn’t end well. Involving in you slamming your bedroom door, locking it with a chair pushed against the knob. You sat on your bed legs shaking full of anxiety and frustration. You grab your phone and dial Will’s number. Will who had just got a car in his senior year.

You muttered words of wanting to get away from your parents for a bit, that he couldn’t use the front door. He told you he’d be there in 20. He got in there in 10.

You grabbed a small bag with a few clothes and toiletries having know idea what you were doing. All you knew is that you needed to get out of there.

Benny helped you out your bedroom window and the two of you run out to Will small sedan he had bought with a good hard working at multiple jobs and the leftover amount his dad and had helped pay.

That night was the first time of many were you finally let yourself loose. It was stupid to “runaway” over a party. But to be locked up away and feel like you can hardly breathe, that felt like the last straw.

Your late teens were filled with you and Benny being mischievous and chaotic. So many detentions, missing school, sneaking out. Will tried to intervene like his mom asked but he wanted you and his brother to have fun. For you two to be youthful and enjoy your times together.

But then, Will announced he was going to enlist. Wanting to follow off his dad’s footsteps and fight for his country. His mother didn’t agree with it from the start. You either. Their father was hesitant on his response, telling him it was his decision but to know and understand what he was going to do.

You hated him for it. You know you shouldn’t but it was better than feeling sad for Will to go. He told you Benny would still be here and he’d see the two of you graduate. But you knew, the minute after graduation Benny would take the first opportunity to join him.

Benny always looked up to his brother, always wanted to make him proud. More than his own father. And when graduation turned around, the two of you in royal blue caps and gowns with bright smiles on your face, Benny enlisted a week after.

You got accepted into the only college you applied for. The college you put all your cards on to get you out of your parents house as fast as you could. It was in another state, smack down in the city of Chicago. Ben and their parents helped you move. You went up many stairs, Benny’s hands full of overpriced college items that you wouldn’t need later on in the semester. Every opportunity May got she brought up the opportunity for Ben to just go to college instead of enlisting. But Ben was sure, once he set his mind on something he wouldn't do anything else.

That day was the last time you saw him in a while. You hugged him so tightly, tears staining his white t shirt. He wrapped his arms around your shoulder, he towered over you with his tall frame. From strangers the both of you looked like a couple. And if Ben ever had the courage to tell you, you probably could have been. But you held onto holding him tighter and hearing him whisper that he'd be back soon.

Throughout your years of college, Benny and Will would come home whenever they were able to. Will helped you and your roommate find an apartment to get you out of the college dorm rooms. You were done with doing communal showers. The apartment was okay? Decent enough and cheap enough to live in a good area and close to the school. But you spent most of your time working at the diner to pay for rent. The visits home to see the Miller family was sporadic. Getting letters from your boys writing on slips of paper you would read on your break.

You and Benny started to grow apart. Which wasn’t a surprise. Two of you were peas in a pod. From being close in age and close in general. From talking everyday to almost a few weeks to a month. You didn’t blame him either (you did a little), the military wasn’t a walk in the park.

Then one day, Benny calls you, saying him and Will were going to visit but he would bring a few of his friends. And that’s when you meet Frankie and Santiago.

Frankie. Who had such a quiet yet confident demeanor. A cap on his head, his brown curls peaking through beneath. Your eyes lit up at the sight of him and it couldn’t help but linger for a second before you were introduced to Santi.

Santiago. Who burned with smugness and confidence. Eyes low as he stared down at you with a smirk. His gray shirt emphasizing his toned muscles of his chest and arms. Wit and humor flowing off his tongue the minute he got into the diner.

“This is who you two are always running off too?” He say playfully as the four them sit at the booth bar. The two of you shake hands which turns into a hug as Santiago pulls you into a soft rocking embrace. ( You were happy for the extra blush you applied that morning).

You could feel Frankie’s eyes on the two of you after you released from the hug. And almost as if you could read the man in front of you (who you just met), he could tell too. Your body warmed at the feeling.

You asked them their names to make sure you got them correctly before taking their order. Frankie hesitated a few times, asking what certain dishes were made with what just to spend more time talking to you. You smiled and would tell him your eyes never leaving his.

Frankie was quiet, even with when he introduced himself. Giving you a small nod of his cap and a warm smile. He didn’t speak much but his eyes told you everything.

Santi (that’s what he told you to call him), would not let up on his flirtatious jokes. They were subtle and small. They were just enough for you to know that he was feeling something towards you.

Just enough that Benny and surprisingly Will didn’t catch up on it yet.

It was almost funny how quick you could read off of the two of them from simply your first meeting.

You felt it in your bones that the two of them was going to be trouble. A good trouble that you would want to continue getting into if they let you. You ignored Will’s ever so persistent eyes on you, you knew that he knew something was off but wouldn’t say it unless he was 100% sure and even then he still wouldn’t. That man never missed a beat of anything. Benny and Santiago chatting you up about something that happened back on base that has you chuckling a few times. Frankie keeping to himself, quiet and adding a few comments here and there.

You could see the small touches between Frankie and Santiago since the two of them sat down. They were very small and it was like looking through a magnifying glass to see them. But now it was clear as day to you. How all four of them sat at the diner stools in a row. The two of them are right next to each other. Arms brushing against one another in a way that felt more intimate than accident.

When the four men finished eating you had them the bill and expertly slipping your number into Frankie’s pocket. (He saw you writing the number down 5 minutes ago and let you put it in his locked without you knowing). Knowing if you just handed it to him for all eyes to see that you wouldn’t hear the end of it from Benny.

Benny hated all of your partners. And granted most of the time the people you got with werent that great and had a good amount of red flags. But Benny would always have something to say regardless and you hated it.

So of course he would throw more than just a fit if he saw you handing your number to not one but both of his friends he introduced to you only just that day.

Santiago was a bit more tricky. You couldn’t slip it to him secretly without alerting Benny so you failed to give it to him. The four of them waved goodbye before both Will and Benny gave you a hug and exited out the diner as it was about to close. Only one or two stragglers left in the whole building. You see Frankie and Santi talking amongst themselves outside the diner looking at you as the Miller brothers walked outside to join them.

You get to tidying up since it’s your turn to close, wiping tables and stacking up chairs. When you’re sweeping in the moonlit room is when you see it.

A black wallet on the black and white checkered floor. You pick up to expect the license and your heart stops when you see it’s Santiago’s.

You have no clue if he left here on purpose or on accident but you smile to yourself as you stuff it into your bag before locking up for the night.

Walking back to your apartment, your phone buzzes once your at your front door, keys in hand.

Frankie: Check your apron pocket.

You look at your phone confused at the message. Wondering why that is the first thing he texts you but reach into your pocket all the same. Your hand is met with a small receipt that you knew wasn’t in there before the start of your shift.

You pull your hand out to see a ripped piece of paper with both Santi and Frankie’s phone number on it.

You knew they were going to be trouble.

Good trouble.

[fansandtheic]

Boat of Grass's Story

Warm greetings, Chris!

I was barely 13 when I first picked up Eragon. I spent my free time helping out in the school library, so I got first dibs on all the new books. I already had an obsession with fantasy and sci-fi, and unfortunately for my religious parents, your books held my attention like no other. I grew up reading the rich works of C.S. Lewis and Tolkien, so when I got my hands on a secular book that incorporated positive relationships/dealings with dragons, I was beyond thrilled. I spent many nights reading Eragon under my covers, slightly suffocating from the heat of the flashlight and worried my parents would discover me. I had seen my dad rip a library book in half because it had a wyvern on the cover. In a lot of literature, dragons and serpents tended to be associated with evil and greed, but I had always marveled at these creatures and dreamed of befriending one. In my mind, dragons were beings of enormous power, wisdom, and personality. I was inspired by your series and began writing my own book about dragons in middle school, and continued to work on the story until my writing was discovered and banned by my parents. I'll admit that I was a bit young to write, but my interest in writing has forever been impacted by this series and the love that you poured into it. I have read and reread the Inheritance Cycle, and while it brings me much comfort to dive back in, it never fails to rekindle my hatred for evil and desire for justice. I have cried with and for the characters, I have drawn them many times, and I’m sure I’ve glimpsed them in my dreams. That being said, most books I read nowadays are absolutely ruined by the standards I formed based on your writing. Now that I have graduated college (BA in ENG) and dabbled in a masters (don’t ask), I’m an absolute snob when people try giving book recommendations. I’ll complain about the lack of character development/design, the lack of descriptive detail, the poor rhetoric, etc. Strangely enough, I recently had a vivid dream that inspired the creation of a new tale. I believe it’s time to put my money where my mouth is and test my skills as a writer. I’m 26, living with my parents, and jobless, but now I’m suddenly back in the shoes of that middle school girl obsessed with the romantic notions of dragons and magic. I suppose she never really left me. So I thank you for sharing your dreams, for testing your mettle, and for continuing to grow your story. Even though it’s been many years since I’ve written creatively, your books still inspire me to chase my dreams. Just as Murtagh found his conviction in the inky depths, we cannot truly live if we cling to past misery and fear: we must fight for what we love and the freedom to forge our own path. 

Sincerely,

Boat of Grass

[shoechoe]

As you're probably aware, I just finished reading Steel Ball Run a few days ago. I have to admit that finishing it was a bit of a struggle, but I don't blame that on the part itself. I have a problem with dropping media I'm trying to finish for months on end out of pure procrastination. However, after I strapped myself down and forced myself to finish it, the part went by much more quickly and I was done before I knew it. And... I am not disappointed.

I heard all about how fantastic Steel Ball Run was by other Jojo fans, and for the most part, I tried to block it out due to fear it'd get me overhyped. I did a similar thing reading Stone Ocean when I heard pretty much nothing except complaining about how "bad" it is. In that case, I think ignoring the complaining ended up working in my favor- while Stone Ocean is flawed (though honestly, it's no more flawed than the average part in JJBA), I enjoyed it and found a lot of the criticisms people commonly throw at it to be unfounded.

However, I have to say that after reading Steel Ball Run, I can definitely see how this could be someone's favorite part in the series. So much about this part is just magical. It's a refresh of the series, set in an alternate universe to the previous six parts, but also has so many callbacks and references to past events and characters that it feels like something new but familiar at the same time. All of the characters are given depth and motivation to make you want to root for every single one of them, even if they’re working for the villain. The relationship between the protagonist and deuteragonist, Johnny and Gyro, was very well-written and their dynamic made their scenes together a lot of fun. The plot has multiple layers that make it feel complex while still being easy to follow, the pacing is significantly better than parts in the past, and the villain ends up being a really believable character while still doing some horrific stuff that makes stopping him necessary.

Personally, though, I don’t think it’s my favorite in the series, and I still had some issues with it. Like Stone Ocean, fights and stands were kind of a mixed bag in terms of how much they grabbed my interest- you have great and memorable fights and stands like True Man’s World/Mandom, Civil War, and Scary Monsters, but there were also fights that just made me go “Huh?” Chocolate Disco, Catch the Rainbow, and Wired are some of the worst offenders of this. I feel like the middle portion sort of dragged a bit- it alternated between duller arcs and really strong ones for a little while until around chapter 62. I definitely didn’t enjoy how uncomfortably sexualized Lucy Steel, a fourteen-year-old girl and the part’s female lead, seemed to be, albeit that’s unfortunately pretty typical for Jojo and manga in general. My overall biggest problem has to do with a major aspect of the main character, but I’ll get into that in the more spoiler-heavy section of this post.

So, while Steel Ball Run is very strong and excels in a lot of areas that other parts don’t, I would not say that it’s completely flawless. I think my favorite part overall is still Diamond is Unbreakable, though Steel Ball Run has to take second place. There’s a lot I don’t think I understand fully yet about this part, though- there’s a lot of heavy subtexts and religious symbolism that I think will take a couple of rereads to really get it all. If you’re into 19th-century cowboy horse racing that has a bit of a twist to the story as it goes on, you’ll probably be really into part seven.

That’s pretty much a summary of my thoughts on this part. The rest of this post will go into spoiler territory, so I’ll put it under a cut.

 The best part of Steel Ball Run for me was easily the last 32 or so chapters. While I enjoyed the beginning and middle of the part, I was a bit confused as to how it was seen as the best. Once I saw more and gained an understanding of D4C and Funny Valentine’s character, though, everything just clicked for me. You have no idea how fast I soared through chapters 63-95. On the contrary, chapters 15 through 27 and chapters 36 through 60 were the portions that I was the slowest reading. While I blame myself for being so slow to finish the part (sorry), these bits did seem the dullest to me. Steel Ball Run has a very strong start, a very strong last 35 chapters, and everything from Scary Monsters to True Man’s World was extremely good, but I had to force myself to get through quite a bit of it. That isn’t to say that it was all bad- it just didn’t interest me. I just... really struggled to care about Pork Pie Hat Kid.

Something I really liked about Steel Ball Run’s plot is that it's straightforward enough to be engaging and complicated enough to be thought-provoking. It’s a race across America with a fifty million dollar reward for the winner, but it’s also secretly a ploy for the President of the United States to collect and assemble a Holy corpse split into nine parts that will grant him and the country large amounts of wealth and fortune... at the expense of every other country. You have two different main motivations for the characters- one, to win the race and collect the prize money, and two, to acquire the corpse either for themselves or just before the President does. All of the major characters, whether they be good or bad, have motivations for both.

 Unlike a lot of other stories, instead of painting the main character as the only one with 'legitimate' reasons for winning the race or collecting the corpse, other characters (including antagonists) have really interesting motivations and backstories that kind of make you want to root for all of them at the same time. Hot Pants wants the corpse to cleanse herself of her guilt of choosing her own life over her little brother. Diego wants to track down the man that caused his mother's death and his upbringing in severe poverty lead him down a path of desiring wealth and success no matter what it takes. Gyro wants to use the race money to save a little boy from being unjustly executed. Soundman wants to use U.S. currency to buy land for his Indigenous tribe currently being colonized by Americans. Everybody feels like a person that you understand and want to succeed in some way, even if they don't all do in the end.

Another thing really good about this part is the new mechanic introduced- Spin, a form of supernatural rotation producing energy that can be used for multiple things. It struck me as a callback to the Hamon system used back in parts one to two but produced in a different way. It was always a big flaw of the series that Hamon just gets abruptly forgotten about, so bringing it back, even in a different form, was really nice to see. I will admit that the complex descriptions of Spin and the whole “golden rotation” stuff started to bore me after a while, but I can appreciate it. I also like how Stands were utilized along with Spin, to the point where they even combine with Stands using Spin in their abilities. The only point where that happened with Hamon was very occasionally with Joseph in part three, so I’m glad that untapped potential was finally explored.

 Now, onto the characters. The protagonist is Johnny Joestar, an ex-famous horse racer who quit due to becoming paralyzed from the waist down (and is also implied to be an alternate-universe version of Jonathan Joestar?) Johnny interests me quite a bit because even if not all of the focus is on him, there’s still a lot going on with his character. He’s not exactly morally gray, but there is a lot to him that is... questionable. For example, in the past, due to his fame and skill, he was egotistical and rude, which is what led to him getting shot and paralyzed by a stranger after he forcibly cut them in line to see a show with his girlfriend. He’s also described to have the mindset of a murderer and is willing to throw away his humanity to get what he wants- something demonstrated by him almost destroying the Holy corpse just so his enemy wouldn’t get his way. He also has a troubled relationship with his father, where it’s revealed he was indirectly responsible for killing his brother who his father openly favored, which then led to him being essentially disowned. They have a bit of reconciliation at the end, but Johnny never ends up fully forgiving his father for what he did, which I thought was a good conclusion.

 His stand, Tusk, might be one of my favorite stands in the series. This part decided to do something really interesting and do what Koichi’s stand did, going through “acts” as Johnny grows and becoming different and more powerful until the final stage, where it gains the power of infinity. I always loved the idea of Stands evolving with its user and the fact that this was used again was a lot of fun- it kept me guessing at what the new evolution would be and Tusk Act 4’s ability in particular was very cool. (It felt like a much better version of GER- sorry.)

 I liked Johnny overall, but he also features my biggest problem with part seven: the way his paraplegia ended up being handled was very poor. Johnny’s main motivation is that the power of the spin or the corpse will “cure” his otherwise permanent disability, and that ends up becoming true at the end when Johnny miraculously gains the ability to walk again. This is something I do not like. Disabled people have been complaining about this trope of a permanently disabled character being miraculously “cured” for a while now- to imply that Johnny was somehow incomplete due to the fact that he was unable to walk and having him be “cured” by the end to complete his character arc is... well... pretty bad. 

 There’s also the fact that Johnny’s disability... really doesn’t affect his character after the very beginning. Once he learns to use Spin to get on a horse and start riding again, his legs just become completely forgotten about. I think I saw him in a wheelchair a total of once after the first few chapters. This just makes me think that it was purely introduced as a representation of his character growth (slowly learning to walk again as he gets closer to the corpse and his character changes) and not as an actual impairment that affects his life. All of this just leaves me confused as to why this aspect of his character was even introduced at all. There’s plenty else going on with him, and you could’ve come up with a better motivation than simply him wanting his permanent disability to go away (maybe him being disowned by his father led him to quit horse racing, and the Steel Ball Run race is him trying to return to his former glory?) Instead, it just ended up coming off as a harmful view of disabled people and poor treatment of permanent disability in storytelling.

Another character I want to highlight is the deuteragonist of part seven, Gyro Zeppeli. He was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed his character and relationship with Johnny. I loved how he rapidly alternated between a gorgeous model and terrifyingly ugly depending on what he was doing and I loved all of the stupid comedy he did to lighten the mood. I also liked how Gyro and Johnny both sort of learned from each other- Gyro helps Johnny learn Spin and get back into horse racing and Johnny helps Gyro defeat Diego by teaching him that his determination needs to become stronger in order to get what he wants. Gyro ends up being both a serious companion to Johnny and a comic relief at times. I wasn’t really too sad at his death (mostly because I saw it coming) but he was a really good character.

 My favorite characters in Steel Ball Run overall are Diego, Lucy Steel, and (I realize this may sound bad- stick with me here) Funny Valentine. I’ve talked about Diego before, but he was a wonderful callback to the original DIO while also being his own character and a really nice change of pace from the other six parts. Lucy Steel had a lot of screentime to establish herself, got the closest to the President out of any character (although that wasn’t always a positive thing), she was surprisingly tough while also being sensitive, and her scenes were (almost) always enjoyable to read. It was fun to watch her grow in confidence as she becomes determined to stop Funny Valentine, even if she goes through some of the worst torment out of any character trying to do so. The only thing I really didn’t like was how aggressively often male characters harassed her and made sexual advances on her. Most of the time, it was portrayed as a bad thing, but you even had supposedly “good” characters doing it at times like Mountain Tim. It felt mostly unnecessary and inconsistent in messaging.

Funny Valentine, though, was the character that stuck out to me. He’s such an interesting and surprisingly hard-hitting metaphor for American ultranationalism and the way that his ideology started with something positive (learning to appreciate his father, who didn’t reveal vital secrets even after being tortured mercilessly for months) but became something horrific (wanting to make every other country suffer so America could “thrive”) was genuinely really well done. He’s a bit of a difficult character to say that you “like”, though, because... well, he does a lot of fucked up stuff on screen. I did not find him likable, but I did find him extremely well-written, especially for Jojo. D4C is also one of my new favorite Stands and the final fight with him and Love Train was genuinely fantastic. I honestly do not have the words for it.

Here are my brief thoughts on the other characters:

Hot Pants: I was kind of disappointed by her. She’s a nun who disguised herself as a man in order to enter the Steel Ball Run race, and she wanted to collect all of the corpse parts for herself so she could cleanse herself of the sin of sacrificing her little brother to save herself from a bear attack years ago. I was excited to see where her character would go, but then it just... doesn’t go anywhere. She just gets killed in Love Train’s debris. Honestly, I didn’t even realize she died at first. I thought she was just incapacitated until Funny Valentine added her to his list of “sacrifices”. She never gets any form of resolution, even post-mortem. I guess part seven just didn’t know how to properly cap off her character, which is a shame because of how good she was at the start.

Pocoloco: Okay, this guy might be my favorite minor character in Jojo. He is absolutely hilarious. I am not disappointed by the fact that he’s the guy who actually won the race in the end. There’s not much I can really say about him except I kind of wish there was a Steel Ball Run spinoff in an alternate perspective where we see how Pocoloco won the race in his bullshit way.

Soundman: Same as with Hot Pants- his character just doesn’t... go anywhere. He dies and all of the struggles the Indigenous people in America were facing just get dropped and never mentioned again. He’s kind of a waste of a character (and an introduction to the story), especially with how good the Indigenous colonization pairs with the message about American imperialism. I get that it sort of ties into real life considering Indigenous people did get colonized anyways, but I was kind of disappointed that it just gets no mention at all after Soundman dies. I can’t say much about how well Native Americans were actually portrayed in this, but this is what struck me as off.

Steven Steel: Like most people, probably, I started off despising him and feeling confused as to why he was being portrayed as a “good” guy despite being in his fifties and married to a young teenager. Once the true nature of their relationship was revealed, though, my opinions lightened. My feelings are mostly neutral towards him- I like that he was not a creep to Lucy, but his relationship with her is the only thing I found interesting.

Diego From Another World: Okay, this felt a little like fanservice, but I absolutely loved this. What an amazing idea for a final fight. Again, the only thing I didn’t like was how the part felt the need to make Other Diego almost assault Lucy, but seeing The World be brought back one last time was just great.

So, those are my general feelings on Steel Ball Run after finishing it. It has its flaws, but it’s overall very, very good and I’d strongly recommend reading it. It’s definitely a step up in quality compared to other parts and it was a lot of fun to read.

[mrcowboydeanwinchester]

OLA open forum on mary winchester lesbianism headcanon, i would love 2 know ur thoughts if u have any

HI MER!!!!!!!!! i haven't got many thoughts other than it is not headcanon it is simply fact mary winchester IS a lesbian. i think her story is ultimately a tragedy of epic proportions: the angels force her to love a man solely to create the vessels they want to wage their war through. and that's fucked up and that's never massively unpicked in the show!!!!!!!!!!! i know a lot of annamary looks at this in more depth which is think is so necessary because anna questions her faith because of mary and mary's love for her. they were the template for destiel. i also have so many ellenmary ideas that follow the same vein. like mary spends her whole life trying to unlearn comphet and accept that she truly loves another girl, and then. and then she does but the angels get her and one day she wakes up loving john and she doesn't know why and she's so confused. and it undermines everything she thought she understood about herself. and ellen, who was her girlfriend, now has to deal with the fallout of mary just falling out of love with her and marrying a guy. because in order to make mary marry john, the angels can't just give her love for john, they have to strip her of her love for ellen. this precious holy lesbian love which mary has finally come to treasure is RIPPED from her by literal religious beings and mary and ellen don't even know, mary just has to look ellen in the eyes and say she doesn't love her anymore. like what the fuck. and then this mary who now has all these radical ideas about comphet has to put herself through being a good wife and mother and it's not even in her control. i'm going to scream okay maybe i do have a lot of mary thoughts. and i think when she comes back the angels haven't got control of her anymore so she can once again fall in love with women and unpick the further years of comphet she went through with john. but she spends the entire time she's dating jody fearing that what if she just wakes up one day and doesn't, what if she has to tell jody what she told ellen. and i think that haunts her for a long time

(also i reread this sobs fic this morning and it made me have so many lesbian mary feelings i highly rec!!)

[iamthenightcolormeblack]

My Thoughts on Jane Eyre 2011: gorgeous but not the best adaptation of the book

After rereading Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte’s most famous work, I have become very obsessed with the book and have watched several adaptations. Here I’ll share my thoughts on the most recent adaptation, the 2011 movie starring Mia Wasikowska as Jane Eyre and Michael Fassbender as Edward Fairfax Rochester and why I don’t think it’s the best adaptation of the book. IMHO there is no “perfect” adaptation of Jane Eyre, since each adaptation has its flaws as well as strengths. It’s difficult to adapt Jane Eyre because it has so many themes in addition to the central love story (religion, feminism, the meaning of freedom, social criticism, family). 

I’ll start with the things I liked before I criticize it, because objectively it’s a great movie:

Gorgeous cinematography: dark browns/blacks/grays for Thornfield, yellows/greens for the garden, browns/grays/blues for the moors. Each shot is like a painting and creates a gothic atmosphere. The choice to film Jane indoors is a great representation of her state as a “vivid, restless, resolute captive” trapped in a cage. The Thornfield scenes shot in the dark emphasize the house as a gilded prison.

Costumes were historically accurate for the 1840′s.

Music was beautiful.

Lots of original dialogue from the book (not overly simplified/few modernized additions).

Childhood at Gateshead and the Lowood School scenes. I like how Mrs. Reed’s dialogue refers to Jane as an “it” -- this shows how others have denied Jane her humanity from the very beginning of her life. The Helen Burns relationship, though abbreviated, is portrayed faithfully, since Helen gets to voice her religious beliefs (unlike the 2006 BBC miniseries, where she exists to tell Jane to advertise in order to escape) as guidance to an angry Jane, and her death scene is included (skipped over in the otherwise faithful 1983 BBC miniseries).

Acting. Michael Fassbender’s eyes are very captivating and convey lots of unspoken emotion. The two actors have lots of chemistry during the key romantic scenes. See my blurb about Mia Wasikowska for more.

Jane’s fear of marriage, which is emphasized in the book. This adaptation shows that Jane is afraid of marriage because she will lose her individuality to become Mrs. Rochester. In other adaptations, Jane is shown to be giddy at the prospect of marriage until the wedding veil is ripped.

Mia Wasikowska’s portrayal of Jane Eyre. Her restrained portrayal fits the character as presented to readers: fiery, intelligent, and perceptive, but on the outside looking plain and unremarkable; a wallflower. Because she doesn’t reveal much, we can see why Rochester wants to “draw her out.” She’s also youthful, has an otherworldly quality about her, and looks like an 18 year old, further emphasizing the age difference between her and Rochester, who is in his 30s.

Now here’s why I don’t think it’s the best adaptation, in spite of its strengths: the character development isn’t complete because of the short length and the removal of key scenes (some of which are included in deleted scenes).

Jane remains mysterious--with the exception of the very brief montage of the happy couple before the doomed wedding, we don’t get to see Jane laugh or come out of her cage. She seems to be dazed and confused in a good amount of the movie, probably because of the emphasis on her suffering (lots of crying on the moors, crying in her room, or just looking sad). The movie establishes that she wants freedom during a brief scene where she tells Mrs. Fairfax that she wants to see more of the outside world, but it never resolves how Jane finds her freedom. Though she runs away from Thornfield, the film presents Jane merely as one part of a psychic connection to Rochester, or as an insignificant part of nature. The shortened ending leaves the question of Jane’s freedom unanswered, as it seems that the only way she knows how to find her freedom is to run away.

Rochester is too sympathetic, likely because the film omits Rochester’s confession to Jane about his French opera mistress Celine Varens. In the book this is significant because it shows that Rochester is a sinner and creates the question of whether he can be morally redeemed. Though the film tries to show that Rochester is morally gray because of his belief in hedonism (his remark that he values pleasure above all else is included in the movie), the viewer lacks proof of his degenerative nature without the Celine Varens story. (And my dad, who never read the book, was confused about where Adele came from). The story also establishes that Rochester is attracted to Jane partly because he wants to redeem himself through her good example.

Instead, he is presented as the suffering victim of an unhappy marriage to a lunatic. The film emphasizes Rochester’s sadness and his anger only appears during the failed wedding attempt. Overall he’s much more aloof, cold, and remote, possibly because of the reduced dialogue of the film and the emphasis on his sadness. This doesn’t fit the Rochester in the book, who is fiery and has a quick temper. While locking up Bertha Rochester and hiding her existence is wrong, Jane forgives him quickly for that because she feels that he has tried his best for Bertha instead of leaving her to die in an asylum. The backstory with the mistresses provides a stronger motive for why Jane runs away from him, as she fears that she will violate her Christian morals and possibly become another of his rejected mistresses.

An issue with many Jane Eyre adaptations: the actor cast to play Rochester is too handsome. Normally I do not mind, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but when Fassbender’s Rochester was told he was not handsome, I was not able to suspend my disbelief.

Other key scenes were cut:

Gypsy scene. This scene is important because it shows that Rochester is manipulative and will resort to deceit to entertain himself. It also shows Jane’s intelligence in that she refuses to be manipulated.

Ripping the veil. Bertha’s ripping of the veil is significant as a protest against the repressiveness of Victorian marriage and an outward manifestation of Jane’s fear of marriage. It also hints to the reader that Rochester is hiding something and fits in with the gothic elements of the novel.

Because of the incomplete character development, Jane and Rochester are shown merely as suffering people who are together because they have a psychic connection. For people who have not read the book, the movie is interesting but the viewer is left to fill too many blanks as to character motivations/thoughts. If some of the deleted scenes (the Celine Varens story and Bertha ripping the wedding veil) were added back in, I might dare to call this the definitive Jane Eyre adaptation. The film is great as a summary of/brief introduction to Jane Eyre but struggles to convey the richness and complexity of the book. It provides a tantalizing taste of the story, leaving viewers enchanted but also wanting more.

@dahlia-coccinea @princesssarisa @fyjaneeyre-blog @jane-eyre-victorian-era @janeeyrequotes @appleinducedsleep @bananasinny @notherealjaneyre

[dornish-queen]

Pedro Pascal - La Vanguardia

With Javier Peña's mustache as his hallmark, the 'Narcos' and 'Game of Thrones' actor is filming in Budapest with Nicolas Cage and Paco León

Pascal, cultured, seductive and reflective, repeats as Loewe's ambassador for its Solo Mercurio perfume and is a model for 'Magazine Lifestyle'

SYLVIA MARTI   12/13/2020 06:00

 Casual striped jacket, tousled hair, exquisite punctuality, and a room in Budapest. There is something about this man, generous in smiles and answers, great talkative, attractive without clichés. Pedro Pascal, 45 years old and face success. He shot The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent in the Hungarian capital with Nicolas Cage and Paco León, who apparently encouraged the show a lot; We see him without seeing him in the Star Wars universe as a galactic bounty hunter in The Mandalorian and he is Maxwell Lord, the eighties villain of Wonder Woman 1984 , perhaps the only blockbuster that, if nothing goes wrong, will make us happy Christmas.

Session in Budapest The Chilean actor shoots 'The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent' in the Hungarian capital with Nicolas Cage and Paco León

(full article and photos under the cut)

Chilean by birth, his family left the country fleeing the Pinochet dictatorship when he was a baby. Brief passage through Denmark and new life in San Antonio (Texas). Normal when speaking in your mother tongue some words in English slip through. Think before answering a question without losing spontaneity or being afraid of silence. An art. 

There is still Javier Peña's mustache, which catapulted him to fame from Narcos , and you can recognize that little point of joyous irony of Prince Oberyn Martell, who almost ended the Mountain in Game of Thrones . Two roles that have opened doors that he has managed to keep safe from slamming doors and have allowed him to skip the toll of stereotyped roles. Today Pascal, well trained in theater and loved by the cameras, can do whatever he wants. Even dedicating a Saturday to star in a fashion shoot and speak exclusively for Lifetsyle Magazine .

"Nobody knows me but everyone thinks they know me," he said when he debuted as the face of Solo Loewe perfume. Introduce yourself with four words.”

I do not define myself only by them, but I am contradictory, faithful, loyal, sensitive and, at times, a bit geek.

What would surprise me about you if you knew him better?

That although I live life and enjoy family, friends and social connections a lot, I have a lonely point. I like having my space and the option of staying a day at home in a relaxed and cocoon plan .

“Even though I live life and really enjoy family, friends and social connections, I have a lonely point.”

With Covid-19, many of us are already a little tired of staying at home ...

Yes, now that I don't have much choice to go out, I'm afraid of not being able to go back to the theater, to a party, to a dinner with many people ... I really regret those times that, instead of going out, I stayed at home.

Which character has left the most impression on you?

I miss Peña, from Narcos . It was my first leading role, the first time I had time to develop the character, create his energy, his style ... They gave me a lot of freedom to shape it, even if it was based on a real person. I was able to work on it, make it my own, create the tone, invent and deepen.

Do you easily get rid of them when filming is over?

When I was younger I was very clear that they had to be left at work, that the character had to be separated from the person. I thought that with age it would get easier and easier but, surprisingly, the opposite happens to me: it gets harder and harder. Energy cannot always be organized the way we would like and I have to admit that I take some of my characters home with me.

Have you incorporated any of their phrases into your life?

Maxwell Lord has a very attractive in Wonder Woman 1984 : "Everything is fine, but it could be better."

Very eighties. Like the one Gordon Gekko said on Wall Street (1987): "If you want a friend, buy yourself a dog." Have we advanced or are we already for the fourth pet?

We have come a long way. I am very inspired by young people, their strength to face in an original way that win, win and win system that reached a monstrous level in the eighties. Today's young people go deeper into the need to respect a planet in which we all live together and the obligation to take care of it.

“Young people inspire me, they deepen the need to respect a planet and the obligation to care for it.”

I see you optimistic ...

I am a realistic and hard-working optimist. My first impression is that the glass is half empty, I have to find arguments to see it half full.

Is it true that you drew the comic strips to interact with them as a method to immerse yourself in your character in 'Wonder Woman 1984'?

I made a book with images from the eighties and sixties, comic book drawings, papers, erasers, colored pencils, markers and vignettes to better understand what it was to be a man of that decade, how his attitude was forged ... It was a way to focus to live up to what Patty (Jenkins, the director) asked for, which was a lot, and not lose sight of it. I'm a horrible cartoonist, but I had to do something practical to study, understand, and develop the character.

What does a script or a role have to have to get their attention?

Sense of humor. Even if it is a drama, a hero, a villain ... Humor immediately hooks me.

A good shield to go through life ...

The best. It is the most important thing to survive.

Do you remember the last time you laughed out loud?

Paco León immediately came to mind. When he's on set, here in Budapest, we are all happier and we laugh a lot. The entire production loves it. It has made filming more fun.

“When Paco León is on set, here in Budapest, we are all happier and we laugh a lot”

 What fascinates you most about the Star Wars universe?

Nostalgia, the huge audience it has, the ability to reach so many people. It reflects our childlike imagination without limits. Create more and more worlds with all kinds of people and species. He is capable of casting the universe

What is your definition of success?

Have a healthy relationship with yourself. Nothing matters if you don't love yourself.

What would you have done if you had not succeeded as an actor? Did you have a plan B?

No. Perhaps the only thing that could have been useful to others is acting as a literature teacher, as a counselor or advisor for people who need help ... I am a bit of a therapist with my friends. And it must work, because they come back. I have a lot of common sense.

What is elegance to you? Has your relationship with Loewe influenced the way you dress?

In that of elegance I am a student, I am learning. I wear what is comfortable but I also have very finite taste and, when motivated, I really like to express myself with style. And when it comes to style, Loewe is on top of everything.

Something material that would save from a fire.

A book. I always have one on hand. Now I am rereading The Magic Mountain , by Thomas Mann. Literature is one of my passions. It is an extension of life. The problem would be to choose only one, there are so many! My identity is made by inspirations from authors, actors, dancers, the art world, the sea ... There is no self without the influence of all the things that inspire me.

“The sea is what I like the most in life. I have respect, curiosity and love for him on a religious level.”

The sea…

It's what I like the most in life. I have respect, curiosity and love for him on a religious level.

If he gets lost, I know where to look for him.

On a boat in the middle of the sea, on an island, on the beach in Chile ... Everything related to water. One of the first smells I remember, although I don't know if it's too attractive, is the chlorine in the pool.

What is your fastest way to disconnect?

Losing your mobile phone. I fell down the stairs in Dubrovnik and at first it was like, "Oh noooo." But then I thought, "Well, a week without him." I had a certain feeling of liberation. Not having to be aware of e-mails, messages ... I find it very strong that people communicate even through a direct message from Instagram. I refuse.

Now that you quote them, how are you getting along with the networks? (He has 1.5 million followers on Intagram)

I am quite active, I use it when I have a good time, but also to express myself and to give my opinion.

“I will say goodbye to the year with a kiss and raising the middle finger. He has treated me well but the collective suffering and fear this year….”

What is your favorite word?

Oxymoron. I like its meaning and its sound

Who would you like to shut up, as you did in the first Loewe Solo ad?

Personally, I would love to shut up that heavy, bad voice, the imp that we all have in our heads. That it's nice to have him and that, and I know he will never go away, but it would be nice if he shut up sometimes. Collectively I think we would all like to shut up one person.

Trump?

I suppose.

What have you learned from this rare year?

That you cannot live without human contact. For me the deep and simple connections with my friends and family is the only thing that matters.

How will you fire him?

With a kiss and raising the middle finger. He has treated me very well but the collective suffering and fear this year….

*article translated with google chrome. Source of article*

[the---hermit]

Tag 9 people to learn about their interests!

Tagged by @just-a-cup-of-anxietea thank you 💜🌿

MUSIC

Favourite genre?

I grew up listening to metal and rock, and that's where my heart is. Expecially symphonic metal. But I also listen a a lot more.

Favourite song?

I could say so many songs, if I really have to pick just one I would say Fear Of The Dark by Iron Maiden. That's the song that made me fall in love with music as a kid.

Most listened song recently?

Lately I have been really into Rain Paris' covers, she's really good.

Song currently stuck in your head?

Below My Feet by Mumford and Sons

5 fave lyrics?

Although I felt like giving up

It's not the road I chose

The path less often traveled

Held the highest, the highest of hopes

(The Curse Of The Fold by Shawn James)

Man, he took his time in the sun

Had a dream to understand

A single grain of sand

He gave birth to poetry

But one day'll cease to be

Greet the last light of the library

(The Greatest Show On Earth by Nightwish)

The first thing I ever heard

Was a wandering man telling his story

It was you, the grass under my bare feet

The campfire in the dead of the night

The heavenly black of sky and sea

(Song Of Myself by Nightwish)

And suddently Hades was only a man...

(Epic III from Hadestown off Broadway)

You can be every little thing you want nobody to know

(Wilder Mind by Mumford and Sons)

radio or your own playlist | solo artists or bands | pop or indie | loud or silent volume I slow or fast songs | music video or lyrics video | speakers or headset | riding a bus in silence or while listening to music | driving in silence or with radio on

BOOKS

Favourite book genre?

I have a thing for the very first horror/scifi/fantasy that bloomed in gothic litterature at the end of the 1800s. I have no idea if that counts as a genre, but I have always had a thing for that part of litterature, and when I don't know what to read I usually just go for something that falls under this category

Favourite writer?

Neil Gaiman, and many others, but if I have to pick just one that's him. His writing style, the topics, everything is just perfect for my taste in writing.

Favourite book?

I usually say Frankenstein by Mary Shelly cause that is a great way to present the type of story I like. I was also lucky cause I read that book in the perfect moment of my life to connect with it amazingly. At the same time I feel like I am lying because to only pick one single book is so reductive.

Favourite book series?

I have commitment issues, I don't usually go for series. I would like to cheat by saying The Lord Of The Rings, but Tolkien considered it a whole book. Other than that the only full series I have read is Harry Potter. ( I have also read a few books from the Percy Jackson series, which I enjoyed at the time. And last year I started reading The Witcher series, which I am really liking but I am only two books in and I don't know if that would count).

Comfort book?

The Humans by Matt Haig. Anyone who knows me, or has been following me for a while knows about this, amd no I will never shut up about it until everyone has read it. It just gives me hope in a way didn't think was possible. (Also shout out to The Hobbit cause it just makes me feel so good)

Perfect book to read on a rainy day?

Okay so not an easy question. I think I would either go for a short book that I could read in one sitting or a collection of short stories. For the first category my first thought was Tarocchi Magici E Cavallereschi : La Vera Storia Di Rolando by Marcello Simoni. I have no idea if this was translated but It was a great retelling of the medieval story of Rolando I read last year, I'd love to re-read it. For the second category any short story collection by Neil Gaiman. I particularly love Trigger Warning.

Favourite character?

How can you ask me to pick just one? I love the Creature of Frankenstein, I connected so much to that character. But also Herger from Crichton's Eaters of the Dead is a character I love. I adore his positive spirit and his way of seeing life. At this point I should also mention Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit, one of the characters that I feel more close to me.

5 favourite quotes from your favourite book(s) that you know by heart?

Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful.

(Frankenstein by Mary Shelley)

A paradox: The things you don’t need to live—books, art, cinema, wine, and so on—are the things you need to live.

(The Humans by Matt Haig)

Don’t aim for perfection. Evolution, and life, only happen through mistakes.

(The Humans by Matt Haig)

Herger said to me, "Be thankful, for you are fortunate."

I inquired the source of my fortune. Herger said in reply, "If you have the fear of high places, than this day you shall overcome it; and so you shall have faced a great challenge; and so you shall be adjudged a hero.

(Eaters Of The Dead by Michael Crichton)

Then something Tookish woke up inside him, and he wished to go and see the great mountains, and hear the pine-trees and the waterfalls, and explore the caves, and wear a sword instead of a walking-stick.

(The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien)

hardcover or paperback | buy or rent | standalone novels or book series | ebook or physical copy | reading at night or during the day | reading at home or in nature | listening to music while reading or reading in silence | reading in order or reading the ending first | reliable or unreliable narrator | realism or fantasy | one or multiple POVS | judging by the covers or by the summary | rereading or reading just once

TV AND MOVIES

Favoutie tv/movie genre?

I have no idea. I don't know if I feel different about the genres I watch the most. You know what? I'm gonna go with animated movies because at the end of the day that's always the best option when you don't know what to watch.

Favourite movie ?

There is so many movie. In my family we religiously rewatch a bunch of movies every year, how could I pick just one? I'm gonna go with Young Frankenstein cause that movies is hilarious, and everytime I rewatch it I laugh as if I didn't know all the jokes already.

Comfort movie ?

Honestly it depends on what type of comfort I am looking for. I could go with a couple of my favourite disney classics like The Emperor's New Groove and The Lion King. But also The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings movies. This list could go on for days honestly.

Movie you watch every year ?

The list would be way too long, I am a serial rewatcher. I can say a few I haven't mentioned yet. Big Trouble In Little China, the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Wasabi, The 13th Warrior, Lo Chiamavano Trinità and A LOT of other movies.

Favoutie tv show?

The answer to this has changed many many times through the years, but I can confidently say Brooklyn Nine Nine.

Comfort tv show?

Brooklyn Nine Nine, Friends, and I know there's something else but I can't think of any title at the moment.

Most rewatched tv show?

I could say Supernatural, but I really don't want to say Supernatural. I have watched The Mentalist a fair amount of times (the first couple seasons). Now that I think about it I have seen Lie To Me a lot of times aswell. B99 too but I disn't awant to be too repetitive.

5 fave characters?

I don't know if this is supposed to be on tv shows or movies so I will randomly list a few from both. Bilbo Baggings from The Hobbit (yes I am saying it again BUT you don't understand how much I feel like him cause I also both want and not want to go on an adventure). Rosa Diaz from B99, Patrick Jane from The Mentalist, Elizabeth Swan from The Pirates Of The Caribbean. I know it's just four but I can't think of anyone at the moment.

tv shows or movie | short seasons (8-13 episodes) or full seasons (22 episodes or more) | one episode a week or binging | one season or multiple seasons | one part or saga | half hour or one hour long episodes | subtitles on or off | rewatching or watching just once | downloads or watches online

I tag (no pressure) : @anxiousoptimist101, @contre-qui , @justanotherstudyblrinthecrowd , @starrystvdy , @sage-studies , @occhicerchiati , @fly-away-from-here , @illuminatingnun and @outsassing-nero, plus whoever whats to do this just pretend that I tagged you!

[snicketstrange]

Rereading The End Chapters 3 and 4:

Chapter 3:

I never thought that cordial is an alcoholic drink, that Friday is only 7 or 8 years old, and that she has been forced to drink alcohol since she was weaned.

I wonder where the custom comes from having to bite an apple, spit and then leave the island on the day of the decision.

Chapter 4

The scene in which the objects are shown to Ish and he suggests that everyone be removed from the community, along with the fact that everyone is given new clothes, it really looks like Ish has become the leader of a cult. Ish apparently believes that Peace should be worshiped, and his arguments really seem to indicate that he spent a lot of time thinking about what the best mechanisms for maintaining peace would be.

He, of course, is a hypocrite, as he establishes "laws" that he himself is not willing to follow. But I think he does believe that those laws, when followed by the majority, will lead the community to perpetual peace. Those who disagree with this are expelled, and the fear of expulsion along with a drug makes riots rare.

Avoiding the competitive spirit, avoiding access to science, fighting new ideas, and encouraging a simple and far from society life seems a lot like the philosophy adopted by some religious groups.(Oh, and Ish "proves" that he must have authority over the islanders by exhibiting some kind of supernatural power, in his case the power to predict the weather.)

TE seems to include a layer of criticism of this thought, as if Daniel Handler was saying: "Still, this peace does not last, both because of the hypocrisy of religious leaders and because of the human spirit that does not conform easily."

Friday is an interesting character in this context: she was born in that community and knows no other lifestyle than that. Still, she is dissatisfied and demonstrates this since she made her character debut, wearing sunglasses and handing Sunny a kitchen object.

I seriously hope she survived and known how society works off the island ... although I don't think she will be happy for long ...

An interesting detail: Beatrice was interested in magic tricks. Had she used that knowledge to do a trick and pretend to die herself?

If Lemony was shipwrecked and ended up stopping on the same island as the Baudelaires at some point, this look at the time Lemony was there was already inhabited by other inhabitants much more cool than at the time when Ish was there. According to Lemony, he was greeted with strawberries, chocolate and honeycombs. Perhaps that is why, according to TBBRE, Lemony says that there is a law on this island that prohibits removing apples from there. This law exists at the time that Lemony was on the island, (probably when he found the Baudelaires' writings) and then at that time there was already a very different system of laws. Prohibiting those apples would make sense, as they can cause abortive effects. And while Daniel Handler and Lisa Brown defend the right to abortion, in many countries it is still a crime.

[cptsdstudyblr]

Cults & Religious Abuse PART 2: So you’re in a cult?

If you don’t want to see this series, you can block #cptsdstudyblrreligion

tw// cults, religion, religious abuse, religious trauma, mentions of other types of abuse

PART 1: Q & A

In this post I will be speaking somewhat specifically about my experiences that led to religious trauma, so please be cautious when reading this post. The tips and resources are at the bottom and are bullet points, so feel free to skip to there if you aren’t comfy with the post itself.

Maybe you were raised in a religion, maybe you or your family joined a religion later in your life, or maybe you’ve gotten involved in a cult in some other way. But one day you wake up and you realize that you need to get out. But how? In this I’ll be sharing the basics of my experiences in a cult-like fundamentalist religion, how I got out, and some resources I think are helpful for people in similar situations.

Before I get into the details, I want to make one thing clear: I am not a woman. I am non-binary. However, I was raised a woman and that was a huge part of the way these experiences affected me, so I will be including that perspective in this post.

I also want to make it clear that I am not against religion in general or against people practicing religion. This post is not intended to attack religion as a concept, but to shed light on specific extremely harmful religious practices.

My family’s relationship with religion is on the complicated side, but I’ll briefly explain it for context. Both of my parents were raised fairly generically Catholic. My grandparents on my dad’s side are now loosely Catholic, but don’t explicitly practice religion. My grandmother on my mom’s side has since converted to protestant Christianity at my mom’s suggestion. My dad has been either apathetic or even hostile towards religion for as long as I can remember and rarely attended church with me and my mom, but my mom has always been religious. These are the primary influences in my life, as I’m not close enough to any other family members for their religious beliefs to have had significant impact on me. 

My mom is where it gets complicated. Although she was raised Catholic, she explored protestant Christianity starting a few years before my birth and quickly converted. For most of my actual childhood my mom was a pretty average protestant Christian. We moved a lot, so we attended churches in a variety of denominations, including several more charismatic and prosperity-gospel based megachurches, but when I was around 9 years old, my mom fell down a rabbit hole of Messianic Christianity through one of these churches, which I believe is where it all started to fall apart. Just to clarify, although this group of beliefs is technically referred to as Messianic Judaism, I refer to my experience with it as Messianic Christianity as I am in no way Jewish (and thus feel uncomfortable calling my religious experiences Judaism) and the messianic movement is harmful to actual Jewish people.

This move into Messianic Christianity pushed my mom to start rereading and reinterpreting the Bible and she consequently decided that she was not enamored with the teachings of the church we attended at the time. I strongly believe that her understanding of that study was also heavily influenced by the domestic violence and instability going on in our home at the time, as she was unable to connect to the overwhelmingly positive messages that our church preached. So, she moved us to another church. This was a church we had attended some in the past while trying to find a home church after a move, but hadn’t really stuck with, so it wasn’t an entirely new church. Because of this, I generally say that I attended this church from the age of 9 although we did not attend this church consistently until I was around 11. This church was a nondenominational Bible church closely associated with Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, CA, which is pastored by John MacArthur. I’d encourage you to take a look at the basic teachings of John MacArthur and of this church in some depth as they are already quite problematic. The linked article is really just one example of the kind of teachings that are prevalent here, and I’d encourage you to follow this rabbit hole as far as it takes you because it’s fascinating. 

The church that we moved to was extremely fundamentalist. Unfortunately, I’m not comfortable linking the actual church for fear of doxxing myself, but the teachings of this church are pretty much exactly in line with those Grace Community Church and the other organizations I will mention soon. This church also unofficially followed the teachings of the Institute for Basic Life Principles (IBLP). When I say unofficially, I mean that my church was not publically associated with IBLP, but they were definitely associated with IBLP in reality. And again, I’d really encourage you to browse through their website to get a feel for their teachings. However, as a basic summary, if you’re familiar with the Duggar family from the TLC reality show 19 Kids and Counting, they are members of IBLP and everything they teach was taught fairly similarly at my church. I won’t go into the details of what the teachings were, but they were about as fundamentalist Christian as you could come up with. Sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, abuse, etc. but turned up to 11/10. And it was a very closed circle. So how did I get out and end up where I am now - a bi-romantic asexual non-binary university student studying STEM at an incredibly liberal university?

It wasn’t easy. But I did get somewhat lucky. Unlike 90% of the kids at my church, I was not homeschooled after 8th grade. Instead, I went to a private Christian school - this was definitely still harmful and contributed to my trauma but it did give me opportunities to be exposed to people and ideas outside my fundamentalist Christian bubble. It also encouraged me to attend university, as it was expected of all graduates from that school. My dad wasn’t religious, and he and my mom divorced right before I graduated from high school. Additionally, my mom did encourage me to continue my education despite the teachings at our church. I’m not sure why she encouraged this, but she did. So I got lucky that things in my life pointed me in a direction of further education. And I got further lucky that the main school in my state is the school it is. It’s a school that is incredibly left-leaning and secular, and ultimately it pushed me extremely far outside my comfort zone.

I am extremely grateful for the opportunities that made it easier for me to get out of this situation, but I did still have to work for it. Here are my suggestions for surviving a cult-like environment and for eventually getting out:

Do everything you can to expose yourself to other ideas and beliefs. I assume that if you recognize you’re in this type of situation and want to escape, you already know that you disagree with the beliefs that are being forced on you at some level. But it’s important to further educate yourself where possible and figure out your beliefs. Figuring out what you believe and being committed to it is key in being able to stick to leaving your environment. If you know you disagree, but you can’t articulate why you disagree or what you believe and you aren’t committed to your beliefs, you will be very easy to convince that you are wrong and you will be very easy to manipulate. 

If you’re on tumblr reading this, you probably have access to the internet, so use that to your advantage. Research things, read articles, and involve yourself in discussions. If you struggle with internet access, you can read books, magazines, and newspapers at your local library and potentially even join clubs through your library or school. Not everything you learn has to be political or about religion. Reading and learning will broaden your horizons, give you concrete interests outside religion, encourage you to learn about things that make you uncomfortable, etc. 

If you are involved in a religion that has a text, read it critically and read nonreligious analyses of it. You don’t necessarily have to agree with these analyses, but thinking critically about the text you’ve been raised to take as complete fact will help you realize what you actually believe.

Find others who agree with you. In high school, I had a couple of friends at church who were “rebels” too, and we’re still friends to this day. We moved on together, and it really helped me be able to get out because I wasn’t doing it alone.

If you have to physically leave to get away, make sure you have enough money and have a backup plan. If you leave and are forced to come back for any reason, leaving again will be infinitely harder. If you leave, make sure it can be for good. It doesn’t necessarily have to be permanent, but if you come back it has to be on your own terms and not out of necessity.

Don’t get yourself kicked out and be safe no matter what.

Some resources I think are helpful:

Find an LGBT Center (US only) - LGBT centers are incredibly helpful for issues that go beyond being LGBT+, and if you’re eligible to use them they can be a great resource

The Trevor Project - LGBT+ resources and crisis lines

Tumblr post describing what to do if you’re homeless - It’s from Tumblr, so take it with a grain of salt, but it seems like pretty solid advice.

How to leave a cult - Very basic guide, but has some good advice.

Quiz to help you figure out your political beliefs (US based, but has some other countries as well) - I’d suggest taking this a few times as you develop your beliefs, and I’d also suggest clicking “more questions” as many times as possible in every category to ensure that you cover a broad range of topics.

How Ideology Colors Morality - about how morality frames US politics

Ethics - a good place to start when looking at different ways of analyzing ethics. My high school ethics class is a huge component in why I questioned my own beliefs. Ethics is an eye-opening topic.

List of all the religions - exploring different religions and belief systems helped open my mind to new ideas and ways of thinking about the world

If you want me to help you research something or find resources for a specific situation, feel free to message me or send me an ask and I’m happy to help (you can also ask me other questions, my asks and DMs are always open!)

And as always, if I made a mistake or linked a bad resource, please feel free to let me know so that I can correct the issue ASAP. I always try to do my research thoroughly, but things can slip by since I am but a human. Thank you!

[mousehole5000]

more tgcf chapters 143-173 lets goooooo

PEI MING BOO HISS except actually okay he’s mostly funny i think but still boo hiss

“hey who’s this guy who’s really pissed at you?” “oh thats my sword. i broke it.” alright then!

i think i need to go back and reread the banyue pass arc bc im still confused as to whats going on with banyue and pei su

“Banyue dropped from the sky with two pots raised. Without a word, she plummeted with the mouths of the pots facing down, trapping and detaining the shocked Ming’guang and the roaring Ke Mo within.” - THATS MY GIRL

“It must be known that, to heavenly officials, it certainly was more than natural for kingdoms of the mortal realm to fight and annihilate one another; the acts of these plays progressing on endlessly. But when it came their own turn, it was often hard to let things go. If one must stand in the same court as the one who annihilated their own kingdom, and that man cavorted in the heavens, exceedingly flashy, then it must be vexing.” - hmmmm!!

“I’ve spoken too many words in this lifetime. What are you referring to?” - okay to be fair thats a mood

okay its nice to get some pei ming backstory and its funny that he and xie lian are bonding but also still whenever pei ming interacts with a female character my hackles rise like a cat lol

“Xie Lian watched as Banyue thought really hard before cheerfully pulling out a few long, wine-red scorpion-snakes, and putting them into the bubbling pot.” - THATS MY GIRL

“Although “smell” was something colourless and formless, the instant Banyue removed the pot cover, it was as if some mysterious physical object had twisted all the air around the mouth of that pot. The group stared at the sight within the pot for a long time. Their pupils reflected an endless, bottomless darkness; like it could pull them into the abyss. No words could describe the sentiment expressed within their eyes. A moment later, Xie Lian patted Banyue’s shoulder and gave a thumbs-up.” - like father-figure like daughter-figure. amazing.

“However, what if one day mortals discovered something completely new that ran faster than horses? Then, when this new invention overtook horses, worshippers of this heavenly official who controlled horses would inevitably decrease. Such heavenly officials, flashing by like shooting stars, made up the majority of the heavens.” - obsessed with this, genuinely. life and change. worship and its purpose. my religious studies diploma on my wall is screaming at me rn. ALSO i am once again thinking about celebrities

“...” It was only then that Pei Ming seemed to notice, and started to contemplate this question. A moment later, he answered, “A habit. In a dark, creepy place like this, isn’t it normal to hold women in your arms, to comfort them and calm their fears?” “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t scared,” Banyue said.” - BANYUE I LOVE YOU. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. god this takes me back to every college party i ever went to

LING WEN BACKSTORY????? shoeseller chosen for godhood bc she wrote a political essay and got arrested...... and now she’s face to face with the official who appointed her..... do go on.....

“Ling Wen laughed out loud, seeming to be enraged, and her voice dropped. “Very well! You said I couldn’t reach that high. Then, might I ask you: had the prominence of the Palace of Jing Wen at its peak ever reached even the knees of my Palace of Ling Wen??” - GET HIM!!!! BOO HISS JING WEN

“Compared to you, I’m not that bad,” Ling Wen said. “You’d personally order me to stay in the Palace of Jing Wen until midnight, then turn around and say I shamelessly hang around ‘til late to harass you. Words murder without form; I was much nicer responding with blatant violence.” - ling wen im love you..... also this bit... feels Real

BLOOD RAIN BLOOD RAIN BLOOD RAIN!! FLOWER PETALS TRANSFORMATION!!! see hua cheng? look as how cool it can be when you leave the story for a little while!! bc then you get to return and make an entrance!!

“Not only can you bring forth bloody rain, you can also make flowers shower. I didn’t know that. How fun!” - cute!! and in that moment we were all xie lian

“Everyone was stunned by his deed, and Ling Wen arduously gave him a thumbs-up. ”Ol’ Pei, what a man!” Pei Ming gritted his teeth. “WELCOME!” - aww three two tumors buddies!!

okay yin yu is here and xie lian did the equivalent of asking someone when the baby is due only to find out theyre not pregnant at all. then rong guang taunts yin yu and no one says anything. i do love the amount of awkward moments in this book tbh sometimes there are no words.

“All around was sand and mud crushing at him, exceedingly suffocating. The sand and mud was also moving endlessly; the feeling was like he was swallowed into the stomach of a giant monster, and that monster had also eaten a bunch of other things besides him, tumbling everything in its stomach, trying to digest” - ooooh creepy!!! the red string thing... is cute.... also xie lian being able to see hua cheng’s butterfly vision by looking directly into his eye is kinda cool. and obviously homoerotic.

“Are lower-ranked heavenly officials below other people?” Quan Yizhen asked. “No,” Yin Yu replied. Were they not? It was obvious that he himself didn’t believe in his own words, and Quan Yizhen also noticed. A good while later, he said bluntly, “I don’t like it here.” Yin Yu said nothing.” - im having emotions. and then yin yu also saying he doesnt like it there either.... also idk how this scene is going to play out but as much as im enjoying quan yizhen being an icon i can also possibly see how yin yu could eventually get to the point of “i am tired of being nice. i do just want to go apeshit” even if he really cares about qyz. it happens </3

“Indeed,” Hua Cheng said. “Half a year later when Quan Yizhen actually ascends, he won’t find it so funny anymore.” “Can we watch that part too?” Xie Lian asked. “We can. Hold on,” Hua Cheng replied.” - quan yizhen king of taking things literally. also why did this turn into hualian having a movie night

jian yu seems like the kind of asshole who would purposely give someone regular soda when they specifically asked for diet soda. god yin yu is really having a bad day i really feel for him in the whole situation with the brocade immortal

awww okay at least jian yu tried to take responsibility. im still mad at him tho that was objectively a terrible idea. god this whole situation sucked :(

“Rocks and earth crushed at them from all around, forcing their bodies to press tightly against one another, their faces brushing, their ears warm. Although it wasn’t the right time, a thought flashed through Xie Lian’s mind: “‘To die buried together’ doesn’t feel so bad.” - okay... im kind of emotional.... gay people....

okay obviously these murals and the prince of wuyong have some connection (im guessing pretty direct) to xie lian and are important but everytime they start analyzing one i feel like im back in art history class fhadskfhskjdhf not that thats a bad thing!! i liked art history a lot tbh

“Don’t worry, they’re not human,” Hua Cheng said. “It’s precisely because they’re not human that we have to worry, alright….” Xie Lian thought.” - goth ghost bf problems

xie lian: well, there is one person i trust more than anyone else, someone who’s first in my mind hua cheng, oblivious: oh :/ xie lian, also oblivious: what? hua cheng: you shouldnt trust so easily its dangerous xie lian: oh. haha. yeah. well. wanna,,, know who it is? hua cheng: its :) fine :) it :) doesnt :) matter :) but of course you can tell me if you want to gege xie lian, internally: well now ive made it weird hua cheng, 5 minutes later: actually i need you to tell me. right now. its totally for your security me: gay people smh

“As they suspected, he had been captured by Qi Rong. Although no one was bound by ropes, there were balls of greasily green ghost fires hovering over every one of their heads.” - completely off track but anybody else remember the great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts song

“Could there actually come a day when Qi Rong was embarrassed that someone might see the manner in which he ate? Before Xuan Ji entered, she put Guzi down. Guzi, ta-ta-ta, ran in, rushing straight to Qi Rong’s side. But when he saw him, he pointed his finger. He cried, “Dad is eating bad things in secret again!” “I’m not!” Qi Rong retaliated.” SCREAM IS QI RONG LEARNING THE POWER OF LOVE NOOOO also god that poor man whose body he has im starting to doubt if he’ll ever be free jimmy novak flashbacks

everytime we get another ghost king power somewhere someone should be writing hua cheng the cyborg bf in a high tech futuristic au i think thats the only other potential setting that could truly capture this wild ride

“In truth, throughout history, there was no man in the world who didn’t love bragging. A breeze could blow the handkerchief of a brothel girl into a man’s hand, and he would turn around and say the most beautiful of renowned escorts had fallen in love with him; holding shoes and wiping benches for the emperor’s mistress’s uncle’s grandson’s cousin’s mistress would for sure become him being an important administrator at the residence of royal relatives, raising his status. Thus, men who didn’t brag were a rare species.” - SCREAM this is going in my favorite tgcf quotes folder god... mxtx come here let me shake your hand

read the story of rain master yushi huang’s ascension. why am i crying. also this bit im crying again me with my stuffed animals “Thus, while Yushi Huang was cultivating at the Temple of Yulong, every time when she went to seek water and passed that door, she would rub the head of that ox. The door knocker soaked in her essence of life, and when the Rain Master ascended, the ox ascended with her.”

okay thats enough for now i have 7 more chapters to book 4!!! woo!!!

[ambrosiaicecreem]

93 fun OC asks because why not (PT 1/2)

i’m splitting this up cus its a LOT, but it’s gonna be all 93 LMAO. courtesy of @lazysunjade. this one’s for YOU! 

BASICS:

1. What is their gender?

Cis Male 

2. What is their sexuality?

Bisexual

3. What is the meaning behind their name? Do they have any nicknames? 

Silas means “the youngest”.. which is ironic really since he’s the oldest. He doesn’t really have many nicknames. He’s either just referred to by his first name or last name. 

4. Do they have any siblings? How many? Are they older or younger? Which sibling are they the closest with? 

Silas only has one sibling: Marcus. Silas is older than Marcus by about 4 years, but despite the age difference they are incredibly close with each other. Marcus is Silas’ best friend, without a doubt about it. 

5. What’s their relationship with their parents like? What about other relatives? 

Silas was incredibly close with both of his parents while they were both still alive. His only other known relatives were his maternal grandparents, and he also had a positive relationship with them before they died. He had no other living known relatives. 

6. What would they give their life for? 

His family. No hesitation. Whether its for his brother or his kids, if he had to make the decision to sacrifice himself for their safety, he would do it.

7. Are they in a romantic relationship? With who? How did they meet? 

Silas is/was(?) in a relationship with Miss Camellia Pineda. It’s a bit complicated at this point in time but you can reread how they met here! 

8. What do they believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them? 

Part of him still believes in the old Greek myths of departing to the Underworld. But another part of him believes that nothing will really happen, considering he already had his second chance to experience something out of death and all as a vampire. It’s unsettling to him, to say the least. 

9. What is their favorite color? Favorite animal? 

He really likes deep shades of red. His favorite animal has always been the Black-Winged Kite, a small bird of prey that’s native to Greece. 

10. What are some of their talents/skills? 

Silas is a master of the arts. Throughout his whole existence, he’s studied multiple art forms, but the one’s he’s perfected are painting and sculpture. Besides that, he’s very proficient with hand-to-hand combat, specifically Pankration which is the Greek form of martial arts. He has an almost perfect memory, which comes from his special talent of being able to project his memories. 

11. If they could make a mark on history, what would they like it to be? 

He honestly really wouldn’t want to change much, but maybe he’d like to be credited for a certain famous sculpture that he made that doesn’t have a “known artist”. 

12. How old are they? When is their birthday? 

Silas is 2,346 years old and his birthday is March 20th. 

13. What do they do for fun? 

Silas likes to create art, whether its painting or sculpting something. He also really likes to read history books. He was asleep for a good portion of it, so he likes to read up on what he missed.  

14. What is their favorite food? How often do they get to eat it? 

Silas is honestly really simple when it comes to human food. He likes freshly made loaves of bread. He doesn’t eat it often, simply because of how specific he likes it. Its more of a special treat whenever he’s in the mood to make it himself. 

15. What was something their parents taught them? 

Silas learned how to tie simple sailors knots from his father at a young age, meanwhile he learned how to bake bread from his mother. 

16. Are they religious? 

In a way, he is still. He does believe in the Greek pantheon to an extent. With his rebirth as a vampire, he isn’t 100% sure anymore, but he tries not to think too hard on it at times. When it comes to practicing his religion, he makes offerings to the gods with every new season that comes. 

17. Where were they born?

Athens, Greece

18. What languages can they speak? Where did they learn these languages? 

Silas can fluently speak Greek, English, Spanish, and Italian. He learned Greek from his human life. When he woke up from his hibernation, he learned English, Spanish, and Italian over a span of 100 years from traveling and attending university. 

19. What is their occupation?

Technically, he has none. He doesn’t necessarily need to work, but he does take freelance art jobs from the city whenever they’d like something from him. 

20. Do they have any titles? How did they earn them? 

No titles.. yet. 

PERSONALITY: 

21. What is their favorite thing about their personality? 

He likes how patient he can be. His patience has been a gift, really, in moments of high stress and it really could have drastically changed things if he didn’t have it. 

22. What is their least favorite thing about their personality?

He’s got the good ol “Montolvo Hot-Head” trait. It takes a lot to get him genuinely angry, but when he gets mad.. he gets MAD. He’s almost blind to it and reacts entirely all on emotions, as seen when he punishes all three of his kids for something only one of them did. 

23. Do they get lonely easily?

I’d say he does. Especially with how attached he’s gotten to Camellia in such a short amount of time. 

24. Do you know their MBTI type? 

I think Silas would be ISFJ: the Defender. Protective, warm, and caring. 

25. What is their biggest flaw? & 26. Are they aware of their flaws?

He’s too forgiving, almost to the point of being a total pushover. He’s taken a lot of shit, specifically just from his ex-wife Serafina, but he still gave her the courtesy of explaining herself to their kids instead of just telling them himself. In hindsight, he shouldn’t be giving so many chances to people who’ve only proven to continuously fuck him over. He is WELL AWARE of his flaws, and he’s taken responsibility for them.

27. What is their biggest strength? & 28. Are they aware of their strengths? 

His sense of loyalty. Whether its to his family or someone who he’d consider as family, if he’s needed, he’ll be there. He’s aware of it, but he tries to humble himself and doesn’t really focus his attention on it that much. He’d much rather focus on improving his flaws. 

29. How would they describe their own personality? 

“Loyal, Protective... and boring.”

30. When frightened, will they resort to “fight” or “flight”? 

It’s sorta a case by case thing, but he’s more flight than fight simply because of how strict vampire rules are in New Brando. 

31. Does this character ever put somebody else’s needs before their own? Who do they do this for? How often do they do this?

uh, ALWAYS. He ALWAYS does this. He’s always putting other people before himself. He does it ESPECIALLY with his family and Camellia now. 

32. What is their self esteem like? 

He’s got a pretty average level self esteem. He doesn’t necessarily consider himself all that good-looking or interesting. He’s only recently gotten a confidence boost ever since he started dating Camellia. 

33. What is their biggest fear? How would they react to having to face it? 

His biggest fear is losing his kids. If he even loses ONE of them, he won’t be able to handle it. His guilt would consume him, and honestly, he’d probably just lose himself in order to be with them again. 

34. How easily do they trust others with their secrets? With their lives? 

Silas doesn’t really trust others with his secrets all that much. I mean look how long it took just for him to reveal the truth about the divorce. He’s the same way with his life. He only trusts a select few with that as well. 

35. What is the easiest way to annoy them? 

Just by being overly obnoxious and in his personal space. 

36. What is their sense of humor like? Give an example of a joke they would find humorous. 

“Dad, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut!”  He’s a dad. Dad humor is in his blood at this point. 

37. How easy is it for them to say “I love you”? Do they say it without meaning it? 

Silas will only say “I love you” to someone that ISN’T his family if he GENUINELY means it. If he doesn’t feel it from the instant spark, then odds are he’s not going to ever really come to say it. 

38. What do others admire most about their personality? 

He wears his heart on his sleeve. He’s extremely open to others and caring and protective.  

39. What does their happily ever after look like?

Well I can’t just spoil that. It’s gonna be the ending! 

40. Who do they trust most? Is that trust mutual? 

Marcus, Angelina, and Camellia. That trust is all mutual. 

PHYSICAL PROFILE: 

41. What does their laugh sound like? Do they snort when they laugh? How often do they laugh? 

Silas has this kind of hearty laugh. Its very warm and inviting. He’s been laughing a lot more lately with Camellia being a sort of light in his life. 

42 & 43. What is their favorite & least favorite thing about their physical appearance? 

He likes his hair. He thinks its the most interesting thing about himself, physically. He doesn’t really have a least favorite thing about his appearance? He just considers himself to be really average for the most part. 

44. Do they have any scars? If so, what are the stories behind those scars? 

He does not have any real noticeable scars. 

45. How would they describe their own appearance? 

“Tall, a bit on the skinnier side, and boring clothes.”

46. How easily can they express emotions? How easily can they hide emotions? 

He tends to wear his emotions on his face really easily. He knows how to hide them though, but he chooses not to. 

[vulgarweed]

Thank You Good Omens

This post is going to be stupid long, because I’ve actually managed to fall in love with Good Omens three different times in my life!

In May of 1990, I was a college student in a hippie town in Ohio that had a great comics/SF book shop (STILL THERE), and because staff knew I loved Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series, made sure to point out to me that Gaiman had just co-written a novel and I might like it. I bought it. I did like it, very much.

Despite spending a lot of time on co-op in NYC and seeing Sonic Youth live as often as possible and going hard for the sex & drugs thing, I had just fallen off the turnip truck from a tiny Appalachian town of <300 people with a HEAVY emphasis on hellfire-and-brimstone religion. It permeated everything, including school (Yes, public school. Didn’t matter)

A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I had a fervent Christian phase when I was in my tweens. Despite my parents being non-churchgoers, I did go to church. (They’d drop me off and pick me up). Peer pressure was so strong, it was impossible not to. Being thought of an atheist or Satanist would lead to shit, the beating out of.

And at a revival, I GOT IT. Slain in the spirit, speaking in tongues, the whole bit. I was ALL IN. I hectored my parents and cried because I didn’t want them to go to Hell. And yet, it went away just as fast. I am a spiritual person, don’t expect that will ever change, but I had this super intense faith for a while, and then I lost it.

So when I read Good Omens for the first time, I felt weirdly healed. The mockery of that sort of end-times theology, that also had a sort of gentle humanist kindness at its heart, with its failboat antihero demon and angel protagonists and an Antichrist who really just wanted to hang with his friends and saw taking over the world as a responsibility he didn’t want rather than something desirable…

It got to me. Right in the feels. The fact that it’s a comedy is KEY to its effectiveness - laughter is powerful healing magic, and GO turned the light of satire right onto some of my deepest and most secret fears.

That’s also about the time I found my real path. May 1 (Beltane) 1990 is ALSO the 30th anniversary of my Wiccan coven initiation. (And I’ll be in a Discord chat with my old coven tonight, we have all stayed fairly close) My practice has varied a lot since in the details, but not in the faith core.

That’s round ONE of my Good Omens love. Round TWO was in 2004. I was heartsick and gutted by W’s re-election even though I saw it coming. Honestly I think seeing the Religious Right still hold so much power was a literal trigger, I see that in hindsight now. (The projectile vomiting was a clue)

I decided to cope by attempting to read the Left Behind series, in an “understanding how the enemy thinks” way. Although of course I already knew that all too well. I was reading Fred Clark/Slacktivist’s brilliant page by page takedown, and then I remembered my old friends from that book I loved in college!

Surely I could handle Left Behind if I had Aziraphale and Crowley and Adam and Anathema and the rest mentally sitting next to me and helping to MST3K it! I made it through a book and a half of LB, but the GO reread was worth the price.

I was into fanfic by then, so I realized….”Ah, I bet there is fic. I bet people ship Aziraphale and Crowley.” I was not disappointed. The lower-tadfield comm on LJ at its peak had more than 1000 members, and there were DeviantArt groups and mailing lists and a fair amount on fanfiction.net. So I went ALL IN and I got very productive.

I co-founded the GO Holiday Exchange in 2005 (which I still co-mod, and it’s the longest running job I’ve ever had). I met so many friends there - special shoutout to Merlin/Quantum Witch, my dear friend and collaborator, whose illustrations brought my words to life. I was ecstatic to find that she lives within 2 hours of me, and over the last 15 years we’ve visited each other a lot. We got to meet Neil Gaiman together.

My third burst of GO love came with the show, of course. I went to visit Merlin and we watched it together, and squealed. Particularly through the first half-hour of Episode Three of course. GO fandom has produced a LOT of historical fic for obvious reasons, and it looked like a highlights reel.

Also, there used to be wank in the fandom about how Crowley’s name is pronounced. WE WERE VINDICATED. (Certainly he was named after the real sinister historical A. Crowley, right? Who once wrote a doggerel verse mentioning his name rhymes with “holy.”)

There are things that as a longtime book fan, I don’t like or am ambivalent about in the show, but I think the heart of it was captured so very well. Since the first read 30 years ago, I’ve also read almost all of Pratchett’s Discworld, and his style of discoursing through humor just sits right on my brain.

(Pratchett got me through 2007-2008, when I lost a home, a longterm relationship, and a dream job just a few months apart. Bless you Pterry, you are missed.)

So Thank you Good Omens! You’ve brought me laughter, comfort, creativity, friendship, and a permanent influence on my worldview and spirituality. You’ve created the space for a fandom that tackles deep questions about theology and morality, often in the same work with slapstick comedy and smut.

[kimkymury]

Blue Rose Tears - Chapter 9

Hey everyone, another chapter of Pascal x Carl fanfic is here, I hope you like it!

I’d like to thanks @depressedoverdrawings​ for  for reviewing the history and help fixing grammatical errors.

Warning:  Just a little warning, some characters have distorted views about sexuality, and those views do not represent what I think in real life. This was written on purpose to suit the environment and the time that the story takes place, since at that time people were more closed minded.

The Portuguese Version of this story is avaliable on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/963625097-as-l%C3%A1grimas-da-rosa-azul-cap%C3%ADtulo-9

Under the cut!

Chapter 9

P.O.V Narrator

The boy who had been concentrated on the teacher's lecture now found himself exchanging messages with the friend next to him. Carl's every movement was made with care and apprehension, fearful that they'd be discovered. On the other hand, the red-haired boy didn't care so much about discretion. His indifference towards the classes was evident: every time he attended the class, he always counted the minutes to return to the laboratory. The dark-haired boy discreetly unfolded the paper he was given, preventing the act of unfolding it from making any noise and hiding it in one of the pages of the book. The almost illegible handwriting was one of the scientist's characteristics, and it took a little effort to understand what was written. Carl was already used to it, reading what was on the paper was not a problem.

Carl begins to read the note hidden inside the book:

"Latin truly is a dead language, they could teach us actually useful things, like Biology, ne in vobis? (Don't you agree?)"

The last part of the sentence was written in Latin. The redhead liked to make clear that the fact that he found the subject useless didn't mean he was ignorant of it. Complaints on his friend's part were common, Carl just didn't think he would expose his whining during class. Pascal looked at him as if waiting for an answer. The dark haired boy needed to think about what to write and return the paper without causing suspicion. The pencil slides over the surface of the paper quickly, as the writer struggled to make as little noise as possible. The redhead is pleased to receive the small piece of paper back, he opens it and gets ready to read and answer. Carl's careful and beautifully rounded handwriting carried the words the scientist had already expected.

"I know you prefer to study other things, but you need to learn Latin if you plan to graduate someday."

Carl's words were so predictable that Pascal had an answer ready, he just needed to know if it was the right time to make his proposal. The small piece of paper is passed again to the friend, who was eager to continue the conversation, despite being afraid of getting caught.

"We have yet another class after lunch, the teachers must be trying to destroy our brains, like this. I was thinking of going to the greenhouse to pick new species of flowers after noon. Would you like to join me?"

The religious boy repeatedly reread what was written, for fear of being mistaken. Had Pascal just invited him to go the greenhouse during class time? The friend's habit of failing on purpose was known to everyone, and no one was surprised when they didn't see him in class. But with Carl it was different, he was the complete opposite of Pascal, he could count on the fingers of one hand how many absences he had in an year. It would be risky, they could be caught, punished, warned and maybe even their families would know. His good nature and rigidly constructed morals screamed at him to refuse the invitation, the fear and emotion of being doing something wrong mixing together. But the desire to spend some time with the redhead proved greater than all that. Fervently hoping that they wouldn't be seen or discovered, the dark-haired boy internally asked for forgiveness for what he was about to do, feeling unimaginable guilt. But it was his curiosity won the control over his actions, not his guilt. The note is returned slowly. Carl could not believe what he had written, there was still time to change his mind, but he didn't.

Pascal opens the paper and smiles, satisfied with what he'd read. The opportunities to see his friend doing risky things were rare; he liked seeing him leave his comfort zone.

"As long as we don't get caught, I accept." - That small sentence was enough to end the message exchange. Now they had to calmly wait until the right time.

In a way, the scientist wasn't so bothered by how long Latin class was taking now, he seemed distracted, thinking about what was going to happen, with a simple, surreptitious smile on his face. The religious boy, on the other hand, turned his attention entirely to what he was learning. For him the hours seemed endless, as he felt a sickening mixture of anxiety and excitement at the same time. He'd never agreed to doing something so risky before. The truth is that Carl would have refused the invitation had it been made by anyone else, but with Pascal was different, he knew that he would have fun, as long he was with his friend. It was a time that deserved to be spent and a risk that was worth taking, he concluded. And while the religious boy was lost in his thoughts and feelings, the scientist's mind worked at full speed. He was extremely determined in what he did and felt, and didn't make the proposal to his friend without a proper reason behind it. He wanted to put his feelings to the test.

With his chin on one hand and a bored look that watched the professor read the passages in the book, Pascal remembered what it had been like to discover what he felt. It was a strange feeling, it wasn't like anything he'd read in his biology books. It was a genuine happiness, that seemed to have no particular cause. He was surprised, but he was not disappointed, after all, he knew he was liable to have feelings like anyone else. He just didn't expect those feelings to be for the person he least expected. Someone who was by his side all the time, someone who probably wouldn't feel the same way about him. Frustration was part of his life, but the frustration he felt now burned like impotence, it wassomething that even made him feel physical pain. Discreetly, the red-haired boy's gaze turned to the boy next to him; he carefully analyzed his friend, who was concentrated on what he read. The white skin had few imperfections, just a few slight marks, too subtle to be noticed. The hair was as dark as black ink, its texture was smooth, and it looked thin, soft, and easy to comb. The eyes, dark as the night sky, showed a permanent expression of sadness or worry, as if something was always troubling him.

Pascal might consider himself stupid for being enchanted by such common things, things he saw daily and for so long, and yet, no matter how much time passed or how close they were, Carl kept fascinating him. A slight sigh is released, the expression that seemed bored before, now seemed thoughtful. Every second until lunchtime was counted impatiently by both boys, who were surprised at their excitement over going flower-picking together.

After a few hours, the lunchtime bell rang, providing a great relief for all students. The way from the classroom to the cafeteria was walked quietly; Carl still wondered if it had been a good idea to accept the invitation, and whether he should have refused. But that thought changed shortly after they sat down to eat, as Serge was unaccompanied and sat next to Carl just like the night before. The pianist asked some questions about Carl's morning tardiness, but soon his curiosity was placated with some excuses. However, the other boys present, like Kurt and Neka, quickly took the opportunity to make all kinds of jokes possible with the situation.

"Professor Watts often complains that we are late for the first class of the day, next time I'll just tell him that even the Class Representative does it, so there's no reason why I shouldn't do it too." - The boy with curly red hair said, making everyone at the table laugh, even Carl.

It almost made him forget why he had been so excited for lunch, but the exchange of looks he had made with Pascal quickly reminded him. It was as if they agreed on the right time to act by exchanging looks. Conversation between friends flowed naturally, the dark-haired boy was so distracted that his thoughts about the gypsy boy, which had previously disturbed him, were forgotten for a few moments. The minutes passed and the number of students in the cafeteria decreased. The boys' dishes were progressively emptied as they became more apprehensive about how to leave without being caught. The older boy, who sat across from Carl, nodded discreetly, indicating that it was time to act.

The two young men stood up after making up some excuse for their friends who were still eating, afraid that their nervousness was evident in some way. Everything would have gone perfectly, were it not for Serge's intervention:

"Carl, Gilbert didn't come to class today, why don't we sit side by side in Latin class after lunch?" - The pianist asked before Carl could walk away, leaving him at a loss for an answer.

Pascal stopped walking after hearing this. He had his doubts whether Carl would really continue with the plan after receiving Serge's invitation. He wasn't a hypocrite, he knew it was difficult for his friend to deal with unrequited feelings. Yet, he couldn't help but feel frustrated at the gypsy boy's attitude. He knew that feeling wasn't reasonable, it wasn't as if Serge had asked that just to annoy him, he didn't even have any idea about what was going on with Carl. The scientist patiently waited for the religious boy to respond. Carl's conscience was split in two. It was a fact that spending time with Serge was all he wanted, especially now that the blond boy wasn't near. But a part of him, the part that controlled his decisions, made him think that perhaps the time he could spend with Pascal, as risky as it could be, would be more worthwhile.

"I'm sorry, but I promised Pascal that I would help him in today's class" - The dark-haired boy said, trying to look as convincing as possible, feeling bad about lying and refusing his friend's invitation.

It was difficult to refuse the request of a person he so yearned to be close to, but in a strange way, he found himself wanting to be with Pascal even more than with Serge. The redhead understood him like nobody else, he could be who he really was with him, he felt understood and safe. Pascal, on the other hand, was somewhat jealous of the way Serge was deified by Carl. But the scientist made an effort to be rational, and he would not let a feeling or a whim impair his relationship with his friend.

With a gesture of understanding, Serge made no further inquiries and soon went back to talking with the other boys. The two friends then took the opportunity and left the dining hall, which was already getting empty as the students finished their lunch. In the corridors were some teachers and other school staff, who guaranteed the supervision of the students, so that they didn't escape the school or avoided attending classes. Some boys used the last minutes of lunch to talk or rest outdoors, at the small courtyard in the center of Lacombrade.

A feeling of nervousness came over Carl. He walked calmly beside his friend, who seemed to be concetrated on his own thoughts. It was practically impossible to get out without being caught, but the red-haired boy was already an adept truant, and so had a plan already orchestrated in his mind.

"There is no way to leave without being seen! What are we going to do now?" - The dark haired boy asked in a low voice, doubting the possibility of his friend having an answer.

"At exactly five to one, Professor Watts crosses to the other corridor, leaving free passage to a small room used to store materials and other useless things. There's a small window that gives access to the outside. After leaving throught it, we simply follow the path to the greenhouse. " - The redhead replied as if describing an everyday act, which it really was, to him.

While he was somewhat impressed wish his friend's experience in truancy, the dark-haired boy felt the need to reprimand him for taking such risky and immoral actions, but he knew that now was not the ideal time for that. And even if it was, Pascal would not hear his sermons; he was used to his routine of going to look for flowers to pick, and would have no intention of abandoning it. The two friends waited (one of them anxiously) for the moment when the professor would leave his post and the passage would be free. The scientist as naturally, as if nothing was amiss, while his religious friend watched the surroundings in fear of being caught. There was nobody else in that part of the school, it was a seldom frequented place, which relaxed their worries over being watched.

However, it would have surprised them to know that there was one person who watched the scene intently. A young boy who also carried the surname Messier, saw his brother accompanied by the redhead, and was surprised by what he saw.

 In a deeper part of his mind, he had already imagined the scientist's possible intentions, and noticed that he had some sort of strong affection for Carl. Sebastian did not imagine that his brother would go as far as breaking a Lacombrade rule however, rules that he defended at any cost, just to be able to hang out with Pascal. He let out a tiny sigh and started walking in the opposite direction. Sometimes, it seemed that they weren't even brothers, so different they were.

After the short journey was made without raising suspicion, they approached the old wooden door. It was not well cared for like the other school doors, and it seemed to not having been changed in a long time. Carl vaguely remembered this room. He hadn't had many opportunities to enter it, but he knew it was always locked and could only be opened with a key that only the school staff had access to.

"We don't have the key, how are we going to open it?" - The religious boy asked while turning the knob and failing to open the door, wondering if his friend had any solution to this problem.

From inside one of the pockets, the red-haired boy took out a small key that he used to unlock the door, prompting Carl to ask where he got it from. He did not believe that his friend would be able to steal something just for his own benefit. Pascal had many defects, but dishonesty was not one of them.

"This type of doorknob is an old model, similar to those in my house. I just took a key of mine and filed it in a similar shape until I managed to open it." - The redhead said just before opening the door.

Really, he might not look like it, but he was a real genius. An eccentric and even rebellious genius, but one who possessed a greater intelligence than most usually expected. He went in first and waited for his friend, who was still standing at the door, hesitating. The dark-haired boy looked around before entering, asking God's forgiveness for doing something wrong, letting guilt consume him before proceeding. Carl had gone delinquent. He wasn't proud of it, but something was telling him to continue. Maybe it was the strong desire to forget about his problems and get a little distraction, or to just enjoy the company of his best friend, which was comforting. Their friendship was inexplicable, unshakable, they understood each other better than anyone. Pascal didn't show it much, but he was extremely happy that Carl had accompanied him. It meant a lot to him, it meant that the dark-haired boy liked his company.

The scientist's feelings, which were already strong, had intensified in recent days. He knew that he was not reciprocated, that Carl's heart was already broken and he would not surrender easily, but he was satisfied with only his presence.

I loved you from the beginning, Since I saw you, you have won a special place in my heart. I don't know what makes me love you so much, it's irrational, it's against logic. It's like breaking the laws of physics, it hurts me to see you so close, And to know you are so far away. If numbers could describe us, we would be the Riemann Hypothesis*.

Frustrations were part of Pascal Biquet's life. He had already become so used to them that he saw no problem in having one more in his collection.

* Considered one of the most difficult mathematical problems of all time, this equation has never been solved and there is a prize for those who can solve it.

Continued in Next Chapter

[bennyboyjones]

THE GETAWAY (Ben Hardy FanFic) Prologue

A/N: Hi! So, here is the prologue to my Ben Hardy  AU Fanfic! There are currently several chapters written, which you can find on Wattpad if you click on the link below, but I’ve decided to also upload it here as well. It might be a bit behind, but you’ll still get all the chaps eventually. 

What it is: basically, a girl from a small town who is bored of her life decides to take a trip to Nice where she runs into ben, who is also running away from some shit and some romance ensues. 

Word count: 1.6k

In this chapter: just some background to get us started. You probably don’t have to read this to understand what comes after, but it will help you understand the main character better. 

WATTPAD LINK IF YOU WANT TO READ AHEAD

Here we go:

prologue

I brushed my thumb over the twenty year old bonds clutched between my fingers. My eyes swept over the bank tellers, my weight switching back and forth from my right to my left foot. These people were taking forever; I figured it would be slow since it was a Monday morning, but apparently this was when all of the housewives did their banking. I had been next in line for the past fifteen minutes and as time went on, my nerve was steadily draining out of me. 

Last night, after a bottle of wine, I sat on the floor of my bedroom and reached under my bed for the manilla folder that held the contents of what I would consider the best six months of my life.  The folder was worn, soft, had both coffee and wine stains, and looked way too aged for something that had only come into existence a year ago. I placed my glass next to me, on the equally stained gray carpet, and pulled out endless postcards, bookmarks, pamphlets, plane tickets, museum and park and exhibit passes, and polaroids. I sifted through them, running fingers over my best friends’ smiling faces, rereading postcards to my family I had already memorized, focusing on guides to museums in Copenhagen, Paris, and London as if studying them could magically teleport me back. Instead, I was stuck here, in Rye, a small town that I was so, so bored of. 

I had lived here my entire life, and so had my parents. We went to the same elementary school and high school, we lived a thirty-second drive and a five minute walk from where my dad grew up. Everyone I had gone to school with had parents who graduated with or around the same time as mine. I felt so suffocated by sameness, by the ordinariness, and was terrified of repeating the pattern of monotony. 

When it was time to go to college, I was sure I would end up in New York City—somewhere not too far, but far enough, different enough from everything I wanted to get away from. When I was in high school, I decided that I was made to live there. For nine months out of the year, I’m a New Yorker—but during the summer I’m always back in Rye because apparently it’s financially irresponsible to take out loans to dorm over the summer and I can’t afford an apartment on a waitress’s salary, nor do I have the time to take up a second job and go to school full time, so Rye it is.

I only ever missed New York seasonally, but I missed London all the time. 

I missed living in London. I missed walking the three blocks from Queen Mary to the Co-Op to grab mushrooms, flapjacks, and a bottle of wine. I missed sitting on the Central Line at 11:30pm drunk, with Sarah and Annie on our way to our favorite club near Tottenham Court Road. I missed walking to Rinkoff’s hungover and grabbing a cronut. I missed Brick Lane on Sunday mornings. I missed a past life. 

For the past year, I’ve been saving up to get it back. When I came home last June, I worked a waitressing job at a small restaurant on our main street, as many doubles as I could—six days a week—and I refused to spend a single dime of it. I worked part time the past two semesters and saved as much as I could, but metro cards were expensive and a girl needed to eat, and also have a social life, and instead of “throwing away” my left over aid money on spring break vacations like my friends did, I hoarded that $1,231 and pretended I wasn’t bothered by the Miami Beach pictures even though I knew I was missing out. 

London was expensive, that much was clear; the only way I survived six months on $6,000 was because my financial aid paid for my housing and tuition, traveling around Europe while living in Europe is cheap, and my mom was sending me $100 a week for groceries because she was worried that all the jokes I made about not eating so I could afford to party (or financial drinking, as it’s been called) were serious (they were, and often the money that was supposed to be meant for groceries went to more fucking around—you only go abroad like that once in your entire life and I was so not going to waste it). And still, despite the weekly allowance from my mom, I still came home with $82 left in my bank account. Towards the end of the six months I was barely hanging on financially. Basically, what I’m saying is that I knew going back was going to cost me a lot of money, especially since I knew I wouldn’t have the same kind of help that I had the last time around. 

So, I saved and refused to do the math to figure out how much I would need to go back to London for at least two weeks. Well, last night, I did the math—and, oh boy, I am not going back to London until I have at least a few thousand more dollars to my name. That crushing disappointment is what led me to that manilla folder. 

The past few months, going back to Europe was all I could think about; I was graduating in December and this was my last summer to really do whatever I wanted before I had to be a real adult. Granted, I was planning on going straight into grad school, but the statement still stands. 

I took another sip of the cheap-ass red I regretted buying before grabbing my photos from Nice. I slowly went through them, and my eyes misted at the landscapes, the crooked self portraits taken on both disposables and my barely functioning digital, the photos of food, and coffees perfectly placed next to pages of my open journal. 

It was the one place that I had gone alone, in the middle of January, for only three days. It was a trip I took out of convenience (student visa issues) and I had only chosen Nice because it was both relatively cheap and small, but it ended up being my favorite place. The place I named first when people asked where I went, the place I talked about the most, and the place that meant the most to me. 

I put the photos down and opened my laptop. I opened a tab for SkyScanner, one for AirBnb, and one for TripAdvisor and started doing the math.

Flight: $1,214 (round trip)

AirBnb: $2,056

Other Expenses: $3,000

Approx. Total: $6,270

I knew how much I had in my savings and knew I had bonds somewhere from my baptism or some other religious sacrament I was forced to endure that I could cash for some extra money. I had enough for three weeks, but didn’t have much of a financial cushion should I need it. 

I downed what was left in my glass and booked my trip. I felt my hands shaking as I took them off my keyboard to rest them on my cheeks. My face was flush from both the wine and the excitement. I wiped my feet against the carpet, the nervous sweat on their bottoms making me uncomfortable. I was never one for impulsivity; I was a planner, a control freak, a perfectionist—a full blown virgo for fuck’s sake and the longer I sat there, staring at the confirmation page before me, the more nauseous I felt. I refused to let the regret set in, the doubt, and the fear. Instead, I stood up, hopped down the stairs with my empty glass in hand, and upon refilling, announced to my mom that in three weeks time, I would be on a plane to France. 

Earlier this morning, she rifled through the safe in the back of her closet in search of the bonds. When I told her about what I had done, she didn’t have much of a reply—she simply raised her glass to me and muttered a soft, “Jesus Christ”. I knew she was slightly concerned, but also excited for me and I really couldn’t have asked for a better reaction. She was a supportive mom, always, no matter how questionable her children’s choices were (and mine and my brothers’ choices were always questionable). 

Once she found them shoved into an envelope from the ‘90s, I got in the car with my younger brother and went to the bank. 

“You need to chill out. You’re going to make everyone in there nervous if you go in there all shaky and sweaty. You’re making yourself look like a criminal,” Noah said as he put his crappy car in park. 

“I’m just nervous. I know this is a stupid idea, isn’t it? I should just keep saving and go back in, like, another year when I really have the money, don’t you think?”

He rolled his eyes, “No. I think you need to do this now. It’s all you ever fucking talk about, and honestly, visiting you last year was the best thing I’ve ever done and it was the happiest I saw you. Just stop being a dumb bitch and go in there and get your money.”

Ignoring the “bitch” comment, I pushed the car door open with a loud creaking and clutched the bonds so tight they folded in my hands. 

When it was finally (finally!) my turn to be helped, I stepped up and handed the bonds over, crumpled and slightly damp with sweat, “I’d like to cash these, please.”