#and i always have them be WILDLY cruel bc

[yellowocaballero]

given how much you liked the prologue. how did you feel. about isat's act 6 twist,

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR ISAT

You know. It doesn't have to be prologue!Sif. It could be any Sif. There's obviously a multiverse's worth of Sifs. Who knows. Many Sifs out there are assholes waiting to clown on idiots. It doesn't have to be something that makes me sad. Who knows. I don't know. It's ambiguous.

I do remember not liking Loop's presence at first, because it felt significant in prologue that Sif was all alone. But it was also significant that ISAT!Sif wasn't alone, because he escaped and Loop didn't. The difference that one person can make in a life - the difference that not being all alone in the world can make - is wildly significant. ISAT had a happy ending because of the tremendous amounts of suffering that had to happen. Some lessons can only be learned through pain. Or maybe pain is inevitable, because avoidable pain happens and creates a rippling domino effect of years of inevitable pain, and the best we can do is try and learn something from them. Try and make the life of the next person who comes after you better.

Also, shout out to the absolute truth that for some people, there's nobody they hate more than themselves. Nobody is more self-destructive than Sif, and I see why Sif was willing to destroy the life of another version of him in a way that I don't think they would ever do to anybody else. But Loop still willingly put themselves back in the time loop for a Sif they didn't even know. I think they were still somebody who wanted to help. Maybe just to steal Sif's life, but - I don't think so, you know!

I was very surprised by the twist, but upon reflection it made a lot of sense. I like the fact that most of the game was about Sif's relationship with their friends, but that the very end is about Sif's relationship with themselves - and that, as their friends were able to forgive him, he was able to forgive himself. Being saved by others allows you to save others too, and seeing Sif receive that love and thereby have the ability to give it was very nice.

Did make me sad, though. Doesn't HAVE to be the prologue!Sif, is what I'm saying. But I can see it. They weren't a kind person by the end of it. That happens sometimes. They'll be happy again one day, I think.

[greenerteacups]

Hi GT,

Forgive me if this is a stupid question, but I absolutely love the recs you've given (you've introduced me to tomione, and I love it!) and I was wondering if it's possible to give you some recs in return? There are some books and fics that definitely have dramione / got vibes, and I was wondering if I could share them with you!

So glad you've enjoyed them! Feel free to rec me anything you want. I've read most of the classic recs in terms of fic and adjacent content (Cruel Prince et al), but I'll try anything that's well-written. My tastes run towards weird and/or audaciously creative stuff, and I can forgive a lot of weaknesses in plot on the grounds of (1) ambition or (2) character work. My turnoffs are instalove, protagonists who can't fail, and most Y/A (I'm not a hater, I swear, I just need characters who can say "fuck" when their leg gets chopped off.)

I'm also a fan of weird and fucked-up dynamics.(Wuthering Heights was my favorite book for a while, and as a teenager I wrote an AU in which the book ends on a long sex scene where Heathcliff fucks Cathy's ghost and then immediately gets murdered by Catherine 2.) Obviously, I am very normal.

[piplupod]

mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset

[augusgus]

's that all you got? (m.)

Sparring with Childe always ended one way or the other - with him on the floor or with you on the floor. He didn't mind either. Kinda part 2 to this

pairing: childe x fem!reader

tags: childe's a painslut!! he's also a sadist bc i say so, mentions of blood and bruises (sparring), childe's bigger and stronger than reader, choking and a bit of breath play, a bit of knife play, manhandling and general roughhousing, reader's a brat

a/n: more sadomasochistic childe bc it's what i deserve!!!!!!!!

Childe only laughed when you pushed his face into the wall. It was a raspy laugh, slightly out of breath and wildly entertained.

Shifting your grip, you harshly pulled his head back by the roots of his hair to make him look at you. With a grin you leant closer towards his ear to whisper, "'tis my win this time, pretty boy."

"Mhm, that so?" He threw you a lopsided smirk and your eyes fell on the blood trickling down from his nose. It didn't seem to bother him. Quite the opposite actually, if the darkness of his dilated pupils and the blush covering his face was anything to go by. Slowly licking over his lips, he gathered the trail of blood on his tongue, a light chuckle leaving his throat at the taste.

"Little girl can fight, huh," his voice was dripping with taunt and the mere second you found yourself distracted was enough for him to turn in your grasp and land a blow to your stomach. "Too bad, though. I'm better."

All air left your body when you gasped at the impact. His hits were hard, they always were. Childe genuinely liked you, but if it was about fighting he never held back. If anything, the adrenaline made him go even wilder - his thirst for battle mixing with pure excitement. Not that you would have wanted it to be any different, anyway.

Holding your stomach with one arm, you fixed him with a half-serious glare. Then you jumped. It was in a flurry of movements that you managed to wrestle him to the ground, the small knife you had hidden in your sleeve pressed against his throat. The step sequence was actually something you had copied from Childe, but nobody could say you hadn't learnt from the best.

"Well, let's see about that." Straddling him, you digged the blade deeper into his skin, not yet drawing blood but close enough. Though you didn't miss the way his eyes glazed over at the feeling. "I'm stubborn, you know."

Bruises were covering the side of his face where your earlier attacks had hit, the deep colour a stark contrast to his pale skin. You couldn't help the smile tugging at the corner of your lips as you marvelled at the traces you had managed to leave on him. You did a great job, really. Maybe just...

Slowly you let go of the knife, instead opting to wrap your fingers around his neck, lightly at first, only a little squeeze to the sides, a warning-

A big hand came to tightly wrap around yours, pressing down harder and a loud groan vibrated through his chest, mouth silently opening in an expression of bliss. "That's it, baby." He almost moaned at the stimulation, the slight light-headedness making his eyes roll up. "Could cum from this."

"Fucker," you murmured, "give up already."

His lips only formed a lazy grin as he gave you a half-lidded stare, hand still holding yours firmly in place.

It was the only warning you had before he flipped you over and pinned you down - his full weight resting on your chest, as it was now him straddling you. He hummed in amusement when you struggled to breathe in properly.

You tried to fight him off but he was keeping your arms fixed to the ground with the help of his knees and you didn't manage to get them free. You stood no chance against him if he had you restrained like this. And oh, of course Childe knew.

"Aw, you done already? C'mon try to get away, little girl." His hand loosely rested against your throat, thumb deliberately caressing the tender skin of your neck. Then his eyes fell to something next to your head and an almost cruel gleam appeared in his gaze.

His weight shifted on top of you when he reached forward. Leaning back again, he was balancing your small knife between slender fingers. A chuckle left his lips as he cocked his head to the side, holding the blade up to the light before looking down at you.

"You still got some fight left in you?" He wasn't really looking for an answer as he took the knife and placed it against your bare shoulder, letting you feel the slight dig of the blade's weight, then dragging it along the skin of your collarbone.

You shuddered when he held the cool metal against your throat. Swallowing around nothing, the small movement made you acutely aware of the light pressure and he smirked at the way your lips opened subconsciously in a silent moan.

"You like this, huh? Freak." The condescension in his voice was blatantly obvious and normally you could've hit him for it but now it only made you whimper.

"Y-you're one to talk.." Your eyes fell to the hard bulge straining against his pants, but he just pressed it against you with a languid roll of his hips - shameless in making you feel his arousal. His smirk widened at the surprised hitch of your breath.

With a hum he lifted the knife from your neck, then threw it somewhere to the side. Fixing his gaze on you, he tilted his head to the side, gloved hand coming to rub your cheek in a deceptively gentle manner before giving you one light slap. "But quit your yappin', yeah, baby?"

"Honestly, f-fuck you."

You struggled against his hold, trying your hardest to fend him off, now that the knife was gone, but he only laughed at your poor attempts before shifting even more of his weight onto your body. His grip was strong when he grabbed you by the jaw, pinching your cheeks together as he cooed, "you gotta try harder, hm? Wanna use at least some of my strength on you."

The next moment he was pressing a sloppy kiss against your lips, swallowing the whine that threatened to escaped you with a breathy chuckle. His hold on your jaw tightened painfully when you tried to take control of the movements, teeth coming down on your lower lip to make you open your mouth wider, soothing the slight sting with his tongue afterwards.

A thin string of saliva connected your lips, breaking when he straightened up again and you couldn't help the gush of heat pooling between your legs.

"Lemme... go," you whispered, aware that your words had lost all the bite of a real demand. "D-don't be such a sore loser, pretty boy."

"Mhm, and why should I?"

Childe was still so very close to your face and you shuddered as his cool breath fanned over your puffy lips. So close, so so close, you so desperately wanted to taste him again. But his fingers held your jaw firmly in place, giving you no chance to push up against his strength.

It was when you finally made to answer, that he went in for another kiss. This one firm and nearly unmoving, a mere means to shut you up so that you wouldn't be able to say anything - and as you whined in protest, you could feel his lips form a lazy grin against your mouth.

Shifting slightly, he trailed soft kisses along your jaw before forcefully tilting your head to the side to bite down on your earlob. Air caressed your ear as he murmured, "too bad, hm? Better try again, baby."

You glared up at him from the corner of your eyes, mouth forming a pout. "Lemme go, or... or you don't get to fuck me." Despite your words, you couldn't quite hide the provoking tug to your eybrows.

"Oh? That so?" His eyes crinkled in amusement, and for a moment the expression seemed almost kind. But then his smile fell and the look he gave you made your breath catch in your throat. "We'll see about that, don'tcha think?"

Do consider leaving feedback or a reblog if you enjoyed it <3

. ☆ ☆ ☆ .

[wttcsms]

Hihi i saw ur request box was open & i just couldnt resist! A big confession to make here, uhh ive been such a big fan of u and yr writings and also u were the v first fanfic blog i came across a couple years ago so yea, u literally open my third eye to a whole new world of fics👉👈 🥺

i feel like you havent written angst in a while–and bc i miss ur angsty haikyuu fics– sooo could i request post-breakup college!au with atsumu or iwai (honestly anyone who'd best fit the scenario cuz i trust ur characterization👌) abt the aftermath of the breakup, them seeing us on campus and unconsciously following us with their eyes, reschin to help out on instinct only to realize theyre no longer together, thinking about what could've been just reminisce reminisce

ahhhh im sry honestly dont know how to expand more on the idea

thank you for stealing my ficvirginity😃

pairing atsumu miya x f!reader word count 2.1k content contains exes still in love, college!au, mutual pining author's notes hi <3 i remember you (eycee, right?). don't be a stranger! you can always dm me and say hello :) thank you for the constant support. not sure if this fic is angsty enough, but i wanted yours to be the first req i do <3

“Hi, welcome in! Let me know if— Oh.”

Your voice falters, recognition and maybe even something similar to embarrassment flits across your face, and a split second later, you go back to smiling like nothing’s wrong. Like the two of you haven’t spent the better half of this month actively avoiding each other at all costs, even though the sprawling acres of the University of Tokyo suddenly feels too small. The entirety of Japan has felt too small ever since it became his mission to never cross paths with you ever again. 

This mission of his started just a little over two weeks ago, on the very same day you decide to use his heart as your own punching bag. The worst part of it all, though, is the fact that he doesn’t even hold any type of contempt for you. It’s a cruel sort of joke; sometimes, Atsumu Miya feels like everything bad that happens to him is just some sort of sick punchline in a sitcom instead of real life. 

Usually, when girlfriends find out their high school sweetheart is going to be a wildly successful (and rich) professional athlete, they’ll do anything in their power to hang onto him.

You decided to snip the invisible string tying the two of you together, and you did it so effortlessly, so quickly, that Atsumu had to make sure that he hadn’t been imagining the last four years of your relationship. 

He’s got his hands shoved in his pockets, and he’s torn between staring at you like a total creep or looking at everything in the campus bookstore but you. He settles for the former, scared that this will be his last opportunity to really look at you. 

Neither of you is saying anything. It’s a Saturday and so no one else is even in the bookstore this morning, and Atsumu wants to say something, anything, but he’s never been that great at carefully picking his words, and he’s scared out of his mind that he’ll say something stupid and prove once and for all that you had been right to break up with him. Better yet, he wants you to say something. He wants you to give him a better explanation instead of the bullshit you told him in his apartment. 

We just want different things.

What does that even mean? He thinks he would have shouted out that question, if only your little break up speech hadn’t caught him so off guard. Different things? The two of you wanted different things? Sure, Atsumu likes to sleep in a freezing cold apartment, and you need the room to actually be at a reasonable temperature. And maybe Atsumu has a penchant for overly fried, greasy foods when all you want (and deserve) is a fancy dinner. Maybe Atsumu wants to be at a sports store instead of browsing aisle after aisle in Sephora, but he doubts these different wants have accumulated so much that you felt you had no choice but to break his heart. 

“Hey, Miya.” You say it softly, dropping the perky customer service voice you greeted him with before you turned around and realized who he was. And he flinches. He fucking visibly cringes at the way you speak to him, walking on eggshells and going back to formalities like he’s barely above a stranger to you.

Miya.

(Did you know that he wanted to make that your last name?

Do you know that he still does, even now?)

“Hey,” he replies back, curling his fingers into fists inside his pocket. He thinks his voice comes out all scratchy, like how it always sounds when you don’t use your voice nearly enough. He clears his throat awkwardly. Everything feels awkward; everything feels wrong. He says “hey”, but what he really means to say is please don’t call me Miya; you know the color of my toothbrush, you don’t have to call me Miya. 

“Were you looking for something?” 

You.

Subconsciously, Atsumu finds himself seeking you out. He walks by another girl on campus and almost breaks his neck with the speed he turns around to catch a whiff of the perfume wafting from her body because he swears it’s the same fragrance you favor. He walks by the building that houses all the classrooms for your specific major, even though it’s located on the opposite side of his own classes because he secretly hopes against all hope that he’ll run into you, and you’ll see him and fall in love with him again. He goes to the same restaurants the two of you frequently ate at together, and he orders your usual because you can never finish your entire meal and always have him finish off the leftovers for you (and the food is always good, but somehow it doesn’t taste the same when your utensils haven’t touched it first). And he doesn’t even need to be here, doesn’t even care enough about his stupid class to go out of his way to buy the study guide, but he knows you’ve started picking up the weekend shifts at the campus bookstore, and suddenly, he cares enough about passing to get the damn study guide. 

He shrugs. “Just some stupid workbook to study for an upcoming exam, but it’s not that serious.” 

“Oh. Is Dr. Furata giving you a hard time again?” 

“How do you do that?” Atsumu blurts out, wanting to kick himself for giving too much of himself away. You already own every centimeter of his heart and maybe his soul. You don’t need anything else from him; he’s almost certain there’s nothing left for him to give you, but he can’t help but impulsively ask the damn question that’s been running through his mind ever since you left him behind. 

Did you know that when you’re confused, your brows furrow together, and you get this adorable, endearing crinkle in between them? Do you know that he still finds that same expression as cute as he did when you still called yourself his girlfriend? 

“What are you talking about?” 

How can you just stand there and act like you never crushed his heart? How do you wake up in the morning and not feel like your life is missing something important, like you’ll never feel whole again? How can you keep him wrapped around your finger, and then have the audacity to not even realize it? How did you let him go so quickly? 

Practicing caution, he swallows hard before clarifying, “How do you know everything?” Because if you can act like he’s just a polite acquaintance, like he’s nothing more than another fellow classmate, he can try to play pretend too. He can act like there’s not enough history between the two of you to fill up every damn textbook in this stupid store. “Yeah, Dr. Furata’s been on everyone’s ass. Somethin’ about midterm grades being worth a quarter of our overall grade.” 

“Believe me, you’re not the first victim of Dr. Furata’s to come wandering in the store. I think I have a few more of the workbooks he suggested in stock. Let me go check.” 

It’s instinct at this point for Atsumu to just follow you. If he uses his imagination, it’s almost like he’s back to browsing in a makeup store, walking aimlessly in every aisle, following you loyally because he’s happy to have you lead the way and he doesn’t care where he ends up, so long as you’re there with him. 

But this isn’t an afternoon date with you. This is him following a bookstore employee. After you find that study guide, which is really nothing more than his flimsy excuse for seeking you out, you’re going to ask him “card or cash?”, ring him up at the register, and he’s going to walk out that door and have to act like he’s still not in love with you. All the while, you’re doing fine. You’re fine right now, and you’re going to be fine when he leaves, and you’re probably going to be fine, five years down the line, when you’re happy with someone else and Atsumu is alone because in this little hypothetical, he still hasn’t gotten over you.

He is trailing behind you in this bookstore, and your back is facing him, and he’s panicking because he doesn’t think he’s capable of not loving you. 

Just two weeks ago, you knew him better than anyone else in the world, maybe even better than Osamu, perhaps even better than he knows himself. Now, you just give him a polite smile as you grab the small stool to reach the books located at the very top of the shelf. 

“God, I hate the way we organize everything in the store.” You say, lightheartedly complaining. He knows you do. He knows because he’s known you for nearly a decade. The two of you have grown up together. You made this same complaint sprawled out on the couch in his apartment. 

When he doesn’t reply, you look down to see if something’s the matter, only to do it too quickly that you find yourself losing your balance. Before you can come crashing to the floor, Atsumu is quick to catch you, and you pretend that his protective embrace isn’t comforting. You pretend not to notice that he’s wearing the cologne you bought him for Christmas last year, and you continue to pretend that you don’t miss him at all, that you don’t still love him. 

And for a second, the two of you both pretend that you’re still with each other. That it’s perfectly okay to savor this intimate moment, that his arms wrapped around your body right now isn’t awkward in the slightest. He’s staring at you with a sort of starstruck, boylike wonder, and it’s so familiar, so sweet, because it’s the way he always used to look at you. His lips part slightly, like he’s about to say something, and—

The loud ring! interrupts whatever moment the two of you are sharing, and you nearly jump out of his arms. You hear the distinct footsteps of another student, and you adjust your shirt before remembering where the two of you are — what the two of you are. Not a couple. Barely even friends. Just a bookstore employee and a student that needs a book. That’s all the two of you are allowed to be.

“I should probably go check up front and make sure they don’t need any help.” You tell him, biting down on your lip. “Anyway, did you need anything else, or would you like me to check you out right now?” 

He blinks a few times, as if still in a daze. “Uh, yeah, sure.” The tips of his ears are flushed a light pink. “Y-yeah, I’m done here.” 

The two of you practically race each other to the front of the store, and you step behind the counter to scan his workbook. He drums his fingers, looking around the store. When he’s nervous, he likes to be moving. You know this. 

Just looking for an excuse to use his hands, Atsumu mindlessly picks a pack of gum off a nearby rack and slides it towards you so you can also scan it. You know you shouldn’t say it. You know it’s supposed to be a clean break. Instead, you tell him, 

“Actually, if you want, I have the fruit variety flavor.” 

“Huh?” This catches his attention. 

You reach into one of the boxes that have just been shipped to the store, rummaging through a tiny one before revealing a shiny, new package of gum, this one advertising all the flavors based on tropical fruits. “Would you rather have this one?” 

“Oh, yeah!” As if truly forgetting what the two of you actually are (exes, strangers with too much history, two people still pretending like they’re not in love), his eyes light up. “How did you kno—” He doesn’t finish the question. He knows the answer to the question. 

You’re quick to finish ringing him up, the “polite strangers” illusion being completely shattered. It’s obvious, really, that there are always going to be parts of Atsumu that still live deep inside of you. You can only hope that this isn’t the case for him. 

You hand him the bag, and when he grabs it from you, your fingers just barely graze each other’s. Atsumu is scared — scared that this might be the last time he ever feels your touch. 

And because you’re a glutton for punishment, you find yourself telling him,

“Don’t be a stranger.”

You can’t tell who’s more devastated: you or him.

[scarrletmoon]

none of this is going to be particularly articulate lmao but anyway,

i’ve already decided to ignore the izzy apologists but there’s something so……healing? about ed being cruel and dangerous and violent and emotional and yet still being treated sympathetically because at the end of the day, he’s shown that he doesn’t actually want to be that way and is terrified of that part of him

and idk, it’s just especially important to me to see a brown man go through that. our anger as POC is always seen as inherently more dangerous even when it’s justified. we can’t talk back, we can’t defend ourselves, we can’t argue that we’re being treated unfairly. so you can forget about having normal human emotions, like being upset that someone broke your heart

and yeah, the way ed acts is vastly worse than like, “curled up in bed eating ice cream alone” (although he WAS in that phase before izzy pushed him). but also getting to see him lash out is kind of refreshing? it’s scary and wildly unhealthy but part of the discomfort of watching him like that is knowing that he’s SCARED. he doesn’t actually want to behave like this bc he’s not the kind of guy who really revels in mindless violence. everything he does this season is a desperate cry for help

and like, i’ve been there? i’ve turned into the raging storm that tries to destroy everything in its wake — not because i don’t care about other people, not because i really want to hurt them the way i’ve been hurt, but because no one seems to see how much pain im in and i don’t know how to ask for help like a normal person. and maybe if i just act like a monster, then i’ll be proving my own point — that im unlovable, that i don’t deserve the friendships i have, that whoever hurt me was right to do so, that there’s something wrong with me for feeling hurt in the first place

and maybe i’m a little bit insane and there’s no fixing me

but then stede still comes back to him after all of it. stede cries by his bedside and begs him to wake up. stede knows everything ed’s done, understands immediately why it happened, understands what ed was trying to say with his actions, and he loves ed anyway.

and that’s what he’s always wanted, in the end — someone to see HIM, to understand what he’s been too afraid to say, to show him the kindness he needs to pick himself up and stop self harming in increasingly dangerous ways

all of that from a silly little pirate comedy

idk, i already know im fucked up bc what normal person would watch those 3 episodes and hardly be phased by them bc they relate so much? but it’s just…..nice. nice to know that it’s not that i’m irredeemably evil. it’s just that i’ve spent my whole life being treated like less than human, and i’m not a freak for being upset by that

(not saying that ed didn’t nothing wrong bc he definitely did lmao, but also the point isn’t to argue about how evil he is)

[rosebloodcat]

Invisible Wally AU

Quick Explanation of the Invisibility before I get into the AU: In Moomins, they say that Invisibility is caused by being scared. The character who was invisible, a little girl named Ninny, had been in the care of her very mean/verbally cruel Aunt and turned invisible because of how awfully her aunt treated her. And it took the care/kindness of the Moomin family who wanted to both see and know her that got her to become visible again.

It's very much an abuse victim reaction/mindset, but I don't think it's the only kind of "fear" that could cause invisibility.

As someone who went through a bout of depression in middle/high school and decided that I didn't want to have people notice me, I tend to liken that "Fear" to it too.

Fear of being noticed or a bother to people around you that you care about (and plenty that you don’t even know). Fear of people you love growing to hate you/not want you around. Fear of being hurt again because the people around you won't want to see or be around the "real" you if they saw it.

The invisibility isn’t just being unseen; nothing the person writes can be seen either, and they have no voice and can’t make sounds with instruments. It’s genuinely like they aren’t there EXCEPT: They’re still physical (able to touch and be touched) and they still cast a shadow.

With that done, let’s get into the au!

Invisible Wally AU:

(Heads up, this will get upsetting bc I'm also explaining the root feelings that cause the invisibility and they’re a mix of fear, depression, and self-depreciation)

First off; Wally starts as the only one in Home that's Self-Aware, as such he's carrying the brunt of the Audience's attention, good and bad. (Technically, Home is also self-aware but it doesn't get even half the weight of this as Wally does.)

For the entire day, when he's outside Home (and even when he isn't sometimes) he can feel the weight of the Audience's gaze on his back and the pressing Need for everything to be perfect, all the time. From the styling of his hair to his clothes to the way he talks, everything has to be perfect. Perfectly in place and perfectly blank. No getting angry, no getting frustrated, no sadness, no wanting to be alone, not being able to say "No" when someone else wants to do something, nothing that wouldn't be seen as "negative" in some form. Like the host of a Daytime TV show, he can't be seen as anything but agreeable and willing to go along with anything he's asked.

That feeling doesn't leave until nightfall, quickly becoming the only time Wally feels like he can breathe and be himself.

Where he can groan in frustration, wrap himself in heavy blankets and lay on the floor in heap, screaming into pillows and throwing them around, complain to Home about the tedium that's driving him mad.

(He used to like bright colors, but now he hates them and wishes he could wear something, anything, else instead.)

After a while, he notes that he and Home seem to realize something is wrong. They're the only ones to notice/feel this impossible pressure to always be "TV ready" as he's started thinking of it. They just go through their days following the pre-decided, unspoken "schedule" that's fallen over their neighborhood.

If anything, they seem happy with everything happening. (Perfectly Happy, even.)

And it's wearing him down because when he tries to defy those Needs, he gets "punished" for it.

Trying to refuse to do something, like not going out for the day, makes his anxiety (which he did not have prior to this) spike wildly, driving him into a panic that usually forces him to follow the "plan" of the day. Trying to speak up makes his throat close up or for the wrong words to start spilling out. He can't argue against something that someone else wants to do, even if he tried (and he has, on several occasions).

He feels trapped, and that this "Audience" doesn't actually give a damn about him, just the entertainment he can act as a vehicle for.

They don't want to hear what he thinks or feels, they don't even want to see real him. Just the alternate "Perfect" version that follows their direction without voice or resistance. And that idea spreads, over time, until he wonders if his friends even care about the real him, or just the Perfect version that they've been interacting with.

These thoughts are what make him start to disappear, starting with his voice which grows fainter and fainter with each passing day. (And yet no one seems to notice how much quieter he is.)

When he starts to visibly fade from sight, Home tries to help by keeping him inside. They think that, if they can keep him out of the Audience’s view (even for just a little while) Wally will start to feel/get better.

Unfortunately, this isn’t as helpful as Home thinks it is.

“Leaving Home” is part of the schedule and not doing that trigger’s a “punishment” for Wally. He knows that Home was trying to help, but Home doesn’t feel the Audience’s displeasure the same way Wally did. Thankfully, “sick” days seem to allow some leeway, so he’s able to spend at least one day alone with just Home for company.

Then Home keeps him in another day, and then another, and another, until he’s spent almost a week inside Home instead of following the Script of the Day. (And suffering the punishments for not doing so) He feels like a miserable wreck, has probably cried a few times, and just…

He feels terrible.

But what makes it worse (in Wally’s mind) is the fact that none of his friends come looking for him.

He hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone in a week (other than Home), and yet no one came by to try and find out what was wrong. And Home hadn’t mentioned anyone trying to speak with them. It was like no one had even noticed that he wasn’t there.

And that thought stings. It hurts. It hurt much more than he’d thought it could.

(He had hoped that had been real, on some level. That they cared about HIM and not the Perfect him. Maybe he’d been wrong…)

He goes to bed that night with an aching heart, and climbs out the next morning completely invisible and completely silent.

Home, of course, is panicked. They had seen him fading, slowing vanishing before their eyes but there had been nothing they could do. They hadn’t been able to stop it, all they could do was curse the Audience for starting all of this.

Strangely though, there’s relief. The Audience can’t see him anymore and, though he can feel their displeasure at not being able to find him, he can’t feel a “punishment” taking hold of him. He still feels miserable, but it feels like a tremendous weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He can’t be forced to follow the script if no one can see him, he can do what he wants, go where he liked, and no one would be able to stop him.

(But there was nowhere he wanted to go, few things he wanted to do. He had the options, but no drive to follow them through…)

Through a bit of trial and error, the two build a new “normal”.

They figure out that, while he can’t be seen or heard, Home can still feel where Wally is and, if he taps on things using the same mores-code that Home uses, they can still “Talk” to each other. Which soothes some of Home’s fears, since they now know where he is and can still check on him.

It takes a bit for them to figure out the other details of this strange situation. Like how far the invisibility extends.

Whatever Wally wears/puts on will turn invisible too, and the stuff he takes off will turn visible again after a while. He finds clothes in muted colors at the back of his wardrobe and ends up making them his “standard” clothes while in this state. No one but he and Home know they’re there, but the control it gives him helps his mood a bit. It was nice knowing that he wasn’t letting himself be completely controlled by the Need to be Perfect anymore.

What ends up distressing Wally the most is that he can’t seem to paint anymore. When he tries to put paint on canvas, it’s as invisible as he is. As an artist (and as someone who just enjoyed painting) this was understandably upsetting since painting had been one of the few outlets he had for his feelings.

He spends a lot of his time puttering around and wrestling with his emotions and the situation he’s found himself in.

Of course, that’s just Wally’s side of things.

[ancientgreekyuri]

My actual full convoluted feelings re: sharing are this:

when it comes to Theseus and Asterius, I've only ever encountered 2 other people who Also shipped with them. One of them seems to have deleted their blog and the other was very casual about them (had other F/Os they were more into) so it's not something I worry too much about re: other shippers. However I am an insane woman and Very particular with my interpretation of Theseus and Asterius as people And their relationship so it feels like it's for the best to just say No here. Lest I become insane one day

I am the world's biggest hater of Theseus and Asterius' second-most popular canon x canon ships (in this case, theseus/zag.reus and asterius/hyp.nos). Those two ships make me wildly uncomfortable. However... I love some specific rarepairs 💖 Theseus/Asterius shipped with Achiles/Patroclus very funny to me but no one depicts it in the way I like (which is comedy focused!! the only times I've seen it it's always about like Theseus getting pwned or something. Why not the inherent comedy of Pat getting really, really mad about having a crush on Theseus). I also like Theseus/Alecto and (my evil rarepair that I made up for ME) Theseus/Nyx. sorry. I actually don't have any other Asterius ships bc my demisexuality HC for him overrides anything else 😭 my love for diathesterius is bigger than my affection for any of these of course

I'm okay with people saying horny/vulgar things under my art of Theseus or Asterius as long as it's funny. if it's Not funny then I'm not a fan. I admittedly Do get a little fussy seeing other people casually calling Asterius their husband (it's always with Asterius) but it's not something that's block-worthy to me

When it comes to AZ I don't like Any canon x canon ship with him. Not that there's a lot of these but they exist and I'm not a fan personally ! This has less to do with selfshipping and more to do with me being very, Very picky with canon x canon ships though.

I've only encountered 2 (maybe 3?) other ppl who selfship with him....... one of them sometimes reblogs the art of him I post to my main! I'm not exactly comfortable sharing him with other selfshippers BUT. Because AZ is such an unpopular character and his few fans are desperate for art of him ( know because I'm desperate for art of him too 😭) I don't block about it.

AZ is another chara where the discomfort with sharing comes from the fact that I'm very particular about my interpretation of him. I would Never go up to someone and call their interpretation completely wrong (especially for a character who only has like 4 or 5 scenes in the actual game), but I've seen some people write him as cruel/malicious in a way I dislike 😭 i think he is capable of being cruel at times, but it's less like... A Conscious Effort to be Cruel and more of a side-affect of his selfishness. Also I think I'm the only person in the world who has diagnosed him as a she/him agender lesbian

Hmm I sure do get attached to characters who struggle with selfishness don't I. ignore that.

[jewishbarbies]

*raises hand* so I’ve always wondered what the “He hardened Pharaoh’s heart line meant,” so may I ask if you would mind sharing more of your thoughts on it as it being an expression?

sure! I don’t have a whole lot more to add. but like it’s assumed/generally believed that the account is written by Moses himself, in which case it would’ve been from his pov and I’ve always thought there’d be no way he knew that god did that unless he was told after, like on mount sinai or something. like how would he just know that in the moment, as a human interacting with another human, and it makes no mention of god telling him that he did that just then? but it just never made sense to me to be taken literally bc it just sounds like an expression. like, yeah i would probably say something like that, too. it basically boils down to “this person did something i find so unspeakable that I can’t fathom what could possibly make them do that” or “there’s NO way a human being could do something so cruel to other humans without a literal god interfering bc wtf”. idk if it’s actually meant to be an expression of any sort, i don’t have formal education on the subject, but that’s just what I’ve always assumed.

but also you have to consider that Moses knew Ramses personally. he probably would’ve expected some kind of empathy or understanding because of that when he came to say let my people go, and instead Ramses was doing the exact opposite. he was doubling and tripling down on a loud ass NO. how could someone he’s grown up with not listen or even care? how could Ramses not understand how important what Moses said was in Moses’s pov? so Ramses basically says no get lost and Moses is shocked and can’t believe that’s the answer he got, so he feels like only god could’ve hardened his heart to what he’d told him. because why else would he not care and double down on enslaving jews? and (if I’m remembering correctly) he mentions it more than once. multiple times, Pharaoh is doing/saying things that are so callous and cruel in the face of what Moses is saying that Moses can’t fathom it not being apart of the plan. like, it HAS to be god’s doing because it doesn’t make sense to him any other way. why would Ramses WANT the plagues? why wouldn’t he just let the people go? it had to be divine intervention. but it wasn’t. it was just a cruel decision made by a cruel person and i think Moses was in denial.

I hope this makes sense lmao

Edit: it could also be a sign of Moses’s faith in god, not understanding why Ramses wouldn’t jump at the chance to let the people go so he’s thinking god hardened the man’s heart and it’s all apart of the plan, trusting that it’s happening on purpose and not because it’s all going wildly wrong.

[baladric]

💘💫🤍🪄 🦋 for the ask thing!

ehehe thank u anon!!!!

💘 Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

honestly kind of all of them? i am chronically dissatisfied with my end products—mostly because i look back at them and see nothing so much as pacing issues, and a propensity to attribute too much emotional intelligence to my pov characters. i'm not going to rewrite them, but if i had a perfect world and limitless time, i'd rework both Sweet Hope and a pearl in my hand. they're both so good, but they could be so much better :')

💫 What is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

i'm very partial to the comments that involve people quoting the bits that personally victimized them >:3c with a very loud shout-out to the wildly sincere and personal ones—i write because reading has helped me through every hard moment in my life, and hearing that i've given that gift to other people means the fucking world to me

🤍 What's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?

i think generally people pick up what i'm laying down, but one thing that irks me a little is a minor trend of people reading Sweet Hope and walking out with the "Maia Drazhar Is An UwU Cinnamon Roll" thing still lodged in their heads. as a person who's been categorized by many abusers/toxic loved ones as A Faultless Ray Of Sunshine, i can say that it's an awful, awful place to be, and unfortunately i take my job as Disillusioner Of Maia Drazhar's Fawn Image very personally whoops, which was kind of a central motivator for me in writing that story? like that's one of the core themes, right? maia's aunt attributes a faultless and innate Goodness™ to maia, and everyone gets Upsetti about that because they all recognize that maia chooses to be good, though he has every reason in the world to be callous and cruel—and that it's the deliberate choice of compassion and consideration that defines him, and not some like. idk built-in Sweetness Coding. he is not good or sweet—he chooses goodness and sweetness, and that distinction is very, very important to me, and to my interpretation of maia, because it allows for the complexity of human (elvish lmao) error. he doesn't always say the right thing, nor should he be expected to by those closest to him. he doesn't always make the correct choice, nor does anyone. so like. idk!! he's not A Cinnamon Roll!!! that is very reductive to me and rubs me very wrong!!!!!!!!

🪄 What is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?

if it's a longer fic, there is a great deal of celebratory shouting and probably some excited dancing, followed by a jittery lap around the house before obsessively refreshing the fic page to watch the hits go up lmaooooo. for ficlets, i tend to say "NICE" very loudly, drop it and go do something else with a warm ember of satisfaction in my heart. usually there is a little drink involved in both of these.

🦋 What are you most insecure about when you post a fic?

oh boy uhh, everything kind of!! i worry a lot about my characterizations, bc i definitely have Opinions and i've come this far without getting my ass cancelled but i do worry about dumb stuff like oh no what if people don't like that i refuse to believe goblin emperor elves are all Literally paper-white and perfectly blonde or shit i shouldn't have leaned so hard into selectively mute link. and i do worry too about the self-indulgent Breakdown parts of my writing, eg the whole scene in Sweet Hope of maia breaking down at the opera or the big in pearl in my hand where link wigs the fuck out on sidon. those always feel too loud to me, somehow, like i've allowed myself and my characters too much license or awareness or Clarity or something? i usually refuse to reread those parts of stories tbh. like i'll do a cursory editing pass and then never ever touch those sections again bc i just get so embarrassed ;alkdfjwa;d

fic writer ask meme!!

[pcrfectstorms]

🔥

Send me a “ 🔥 “ for an unpopular opinion. Bonus points if you include a topic. ( IE. shipping, roleplaying, ect.)

OOF lets talk BILLY HARGROVE so i will never understand why people on this hellsite lack critial thinking skills to be the point that they will actively and enthusiatsically HATE a character just because they don't fit into the perfect victim narrative. Am i talking about Billy Hargrove? yes, yes i am. i find it wildly and deeply concerning that people would actively be pleased that an eighteen year old abuse victim died horrifically and deserved too bc he was 'irredemible' like what? he was literally a child, that grew up in an abusive household from as far as it looked to me very early childhood, who's mother left him, while his father continued to abuse and physically hurt him on the regular.

it makes me laugh when people get all HE WAS TERRIBLE TO MAX, i'm just like, okay bestie i know you don't have siblings bc while yeah, he wasn't nice to her, he was a prick, but like... older sibings are literally like that all the damn time and we don't run aound wishing death on them (i mean maybe we do, you'd have to ask my little brother LMAO) but like, from what we saw in canon he was a shitty brother yeah, but he wasn’t any shitter than any of mine or my friends have ever been with our siblings, and i LOVE my brother, i will bully tf outta him sure, but if anyone else did i would fucking go to war for that kid, ya know?

anyway, yeah, this blog is and always will be a billy hargrove safe space, bc i have the ability to think crititcally about his situation, some abuse victims internalise their anger and take it out on themselves or turn in inwards, for billy his anger came outward, at school, outside his home, because he didn't have the capacity to do that at home, at who his anger really was directed at, his fucking abusive piece of shit father. it was the one small semblance of control he could cling too, it doesn't make it okay, i'm not saying that, but people need to realise that abuse victims aren't always going to be nice, sweet wallflowers, sometimes they can be vicius and cruel because they are fucking traumatized and haven't been given the grace, space or tools to work through that trauma and anger and recover and get better.

[other-peoples-coats]

📓 👀

(for the daydream plot ask meme) TIMETRAVEL, BUT MAKE IT COMPLICATED. Ok, so. Several council members are yeeted back in time at the moment of their deaths, mentally — ie. die, and then wake up back in the past, not body doubles or anything. Mace, Plo Shaak and Kit, all of whom wake up in the halls of healing and proceed to Freak Out very quietly, because, like, what the fuck but also oh my god the sith. They work out that the others are also time travelers, and then proceed to conspiracy theory very quietly attempt to fix, y'know, the whole sith plot attempting to genocide them out of existence.

Mace survived longest — I refuse to believe he died when he got shoved out the window, he was kicking about in the rebellion era for a little while with a cybernetic hand and is very thankful and a little weirded out to have both hands back now — so he's kind of their point man, when it comes to 'oh we need to fix that too, turns out it was part of The Sith Plot.'

This is complicated, somewhat, by the fact that Mace just took Obi-wan on as a padawan. He didn't mean to! he fucked up!! he's not sure what they did but Qui-gon — instead of taking obi-wan as his padawan, as they're all pretty sure happened in the original timeline — was wildly cruel to initiate kenobi, basically accused him of being half a second from a fall, and then made him cry. Which: yikes what the fuck how did they screw up the timeline that bad.

None of them really knew obi-wan until he was, y'know, Adult; prior to that he was qui-gon's padawan, and also, it was like fourty fucking years ago for them. They collectively remember…uh, obi-wan had some fucked missions as a padawan? maybe he went to agricorps on a mission? no one is quite sure, because, like, it was a weird thing that mostly resolved itself, whatever the fuck it was. He grows up to be Obi-wan Kenobi, though, so it's not like they could let him go to the fucking agricorps. Best case, general kenobi doesn't exist and the war goes badly — if they can't prevent the war —, worst case, general kenobi does exist, but like. evil.

Unbeknownst to them, obi-wan was also shot back in time at the moment of his death. And then, because that boy has never met a problem he didn't attempt to solve all on his own, decided he was just going to fake his death and go into the galaxy to, y'know, deal with the sith plot all on his own. He's been alone for twenty fucking years after the genocide of his people. He can handle being alone but knowing they're alive.

He's not about to raise suspicions, though, so he accepts when mace offers to be his master instead of what happened the first time around, with bandomeer and the suicide offer etc — he feels a little bad, because he's 100% going to fake his death at the first opportunity, bc, y'know, sith plot to end, but mace is a busy man who's on the fucking council, probably he's not even going to mind too much, really. Qui-gon certainly wouldn't have.

Thus ensues two sets of time travelers being like who the fuck is doing that as team council and obi-wan make changes to the sith plot. Mace would be tearing his hair out if he had hair; not only is the butterfly effect apparently way more complicated than logically makes sense — they fucked up the death stick trade on ryloth, and now somehow three outer rim planets are in revolt???? (it was obi-wan) — but also his new padawan keeps nearly getting killed.

Obi-wan, on the other hand, is losing his damn mind. On the one hand, goddamn, mace is the absolute bastion of kindness and steadfastness and everything he always was! he didn't know that mace and shaak and plo and kit were friends, but it's so nice to see them, and he missed them, and for all his appointment to the council was kind of tainted by the war it was a community of friends who he missed dearly.

On the other hand, please, he is trying to fake his death. Please be less attentive. Please stop rescuing him from seemingly deadly situations. He's fine he just needs to be a little fake dead, and also stop the sith, and also not let anyone realise that he is a sixty year old in a thirteen year old's body.

[ganyuslily]

soulmate tropes — genshin headcanons [part 1]

characters: albedo, childe, dainsleif, kaeya, kazuha

category/extra notes: fluff but also some of them are a little bit angsty ngl [major character death in childes, dains is also a little bit angsty but turns out okay in the end]

a little summary: what soulmate trope would they be?

a/n: so did i ever say im absolutely obsessed with soulmate tropes,, if not i think now its quite obvious uhh also part one bc there were too many characters HELP

part 2

albedo

— in which you have a mark on your body thats specific for the both of you. he always finds himself tracing the little star on his neck, humming softly. he wonders if yours is also in the same place as his? or is it in another place? is it visible? the only reason he has his out in plain sight is because he hopes for his future soulmate to see it and realize they have the same symbol as he has. throughout the years he grew to put his fingers on the star anytime he would get stressed. it would calm him down, the realization that youre somewhere out there. and when he spots you for the first time, the same orange shape adorning your hand, he cant help but immediatly tell you that he thinks the two of you are soulmates, pointing on his neck. and when your eyes lit up and you ask if you can touch it, he finally feels like hes complete.

childe 

— in which you have a countdown on your wrist that tells you when you will meet your soulmate. as a child, he wouldnt pay a lot of mind to the numbers on his arm, even though everyone around him told him that he had gotten quite lucky — meeting his soulmate in his young adulthood wasnt something that happened to everyone. but when he realizes that this is his soulmate, the one hes supposed to kill just now, he hates the gods, he hates fate, he hates this stupid countdown on his wrist that reached zero just the moment he held the knife to you throat. he hates how you only look at him and murmur i love you, even though he just met you, eve though that he was supposed to kill you. when he slices your throat, a part of him dies. maybe in another life, he says to himself. if he even gets another chance.

dainsleif 

— in which you stop aging at a certain age until you find your soulmate and grow old together. dainsleif had lived for hundreds of years — time not taking its toll on him, his beauty never wavering. he watched people die and birth, he watched civilizations fall apart and rebuild themselves. he lived for so long, searching and looking, but never finding. he thought it was another cruel joke from the world — what if you died before he met you? what if he never got to see you, hear your voice or touch you? so after sometime, he gave up. it was too tiring, he told himself, yet he still hoped to find you one day. and when he stumbles upon you on yet another mission, the world stopping for a moment, he knows. he knows youre the one.

kaeya 

— in which one of your eyes is the color of your soulmates eyes. he didnt believe in them, to be quite honest. he didnt think he was worthy of deserving someone that would love him and be with him to the end. he didnt want to risk it or even get attached, not to say develop feelings. so he started to wear an eyepatch to hide one eye — he didnt know which one was his natural though, so he just had to guess. but no matter how many times he told himself that he doesnt care, he did. he took it off everynight just to look at the color. it was pretty, beautiful even. and even though he swears he doesnt want a soulmate, when he locks eyes with you and he sees your pupils in the same colors as his, he cant help but want to try.

kazuha 

— in which anything you draw on yourself appears on your soulmates body and vice versa. he often awaits the little doodles that end up taking up his whole arms. it makes him smile softly to himself, making beidou tease him about it. he loves everything you draw and he feels bubbling excitement when he sees small flowers and notes appear on his skin. take care of yourself! would be a daily note and he would always write it back. his handwriting was kind of messy and he only hoped that you would understand what he meant. he doesnt really focus on finding you, even though he wishes to already be with you — he trusts the wind to guide him to you. so when he finally finds you, your arms littered with the same drawings he has, he smiles so wildly for the first time in so long and shyly asks if he can hug you. hes home. hes finally home.

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. rachel doesnt put anything under a grey lens so why would the fans? like persephone and hades and hera are always show as only good (w/ even their bad actions framed as good in one way or another) meanwhile zeus and apollo and minthe are always shown as bad. why should we be shocked demeter is also under the "look how abusive demeter is!" lens when thats how rachel has depicted her for years now? even her protecting her daughter was framed as bad, but good when hera and hades do the same thing!

2. I want to know how the fans think RS is above critique when even the most beloved artists ever were critiqued too? Are we seriously supposed to buy Rachel, an artist who can't even keep a basic color sheet or doesn't know basic anatomy, is somehow a better artist and thus shouldn't be critiqued over the likes of Da vinci, Michelangelo, and Van Gogh, all who were critiqued in their times? Like how egotistical do you have to be to think she's free from critique over the literal legends of art?

3. tbh i under the impression blogs like this and other "anti" spaces wouldnt need to exist if lo fans just ... let people actually have discussions and differing opinions and not rigidly police it so there is only mindless praise and thats it. like overwhelmingly every "anti" ive seen is fans or former fans who have to make their own space because the fandom is so full of "toxic positivity". even the lo discord mass banned people for asking for a single hour of "approved critique time" like what??

4. LO fans, their fanbase, and their comic is so wildly misogynistic which is weird bc it's made by a woman and the fans are overwhelming 12 year old girls to 20 year old women?? and they all claim to be super progressive and feminist?? like nah yall cant claim that while calling minthe a whore who deserves to be tortured and killed and demeter is a shrill karen who doesn't understand ~LOVE~ unlike the literal slave owner hades whose type is vulnerable young teeangers who dont know better lmao.

5. I honestly thought you guys were joking when you said how old Rachel actually is. I could have sworn off her writing and art alone she was maybe idk, 22? Not in her late 30s?  Yall mean to tell me she's almost 40 damn years old and she still acts and writes like a teenager? Like at this rate she will literally be in her 40s when LO ends and it's just a jumbled mess of her self inserting on a born sexy yesterday 19 year old and her desperately wanting a billionaire slave owner to bang her? what??

From OP: Just so people know what anon is talking about, RS is currently 35 I believe (saw her mention it on twitter some time this year).

6. the difference between how LO uses Hades as a God of Wealth versus how others use it is that say Hadestown makes a clear point to use that status as a way to critique capitalism and how Hades, because of him using such cruel labor practices and hoarding wealth, is a bad thing. That's a way to use mythology in a way to tell a modern story. In comparison, LO has Hades owning slaves, abusing his employees, controlling all the resources, and hoarding wealth as a GOOD thing. That's the problem!

7. i do love the new excuse of "rachel has put so much time into this comic so you cant critique it" like yo that only makes it worse? like shes spent literal YEARS working on this comic and its still misogynistic, racist, ableist, homophobic, etc etc like how do you spent so much time on it and never improve and even make it worse? like do yall hear yourselves when you say that?

8. im sorry but webtoons HAS to update the banners and icons and stuff for LO by now because all of that was made in 2018 and the style does not match at ALL.

9. i would honestly buy more the idea of rs claiming shes trying to show shades of grey (heh) in the characters and relationships if like that was actually shown to us years ago and properly set up since the start? like you cant now be nearly four years into this and now claim youre showing them being complex and "not perfect" when you spent years making them as uncomplex as possible and framing only hxp and hera as "perfect"? thats not how writing works?

10. nah that other anon brings up a point i didnt consider. if the nymphs are designed as the "perfect women" (which yes side eye that obvs HAS to be just persephone clones) then why is persephone considered so desirable and unique then? theres thousands of these pink nymphs running around with actual personalities and are the most beautiful women ever, why wouldnt people prefer them to the slate persephone? she has nothing go for her beyond what, her boobs are bigger? easier to manipulate?

[unavernales]

BC u mentioned it so now I'm imagining it have Tae-hyun's journal entries for three times he slept over with Honey ~~~

Last night I slept over at Honey's home. In truth, I did no sleeping. I was wide awake the entire night, laying on my back with my hands on my chest. I was afraid to move, afraid to look anywhere but the ceiling. I could hardly even breathe.

I don't know what it is. I couldn't even meditate with Honey beside me, in their pyjamas, looking and smelling so sweet.

I suppose I was afraid of what it could lead to. Emotionally and otherwise. Honey makes me feel in a way I never have, and so I don't know what to do. Alena calls it courting, they say it so simply as if it's so obvious. Honey's friends even comment on it, speculating that we're dating and together. Why is it obvious to everyone apart from me? Is that what it is?

My heart was pounding wildly all night. My breathing was laboured. I have never been so unable to focus.

I slept over with Honey again last night. This time I managed to sleep, although I'm not sure exactly when. It was certainly well into the night.

I managed to find the courage to look at her. It feels silly writing it down, but I know in my heart the struggle I felt.

The outline of their body, the way their hair fell, the way they smelt, every small movement, every sound. Everything Honey did filled me with... I'm not sure what. Perhaps yearning. Yes... that feels like the right word. Wanting to be closer to him, to touch him, kiss him - even though I am not sure what any of it would feel like. I am still the 100 year old who has never kissed anyone.

I was always taught that celibacy, abstinence, was the way to enlightenment. I am not so sure I understand that, anymore. How could one become enlightened without understanding an integral part of themselves, their body?

This experience has taught me that I know very little about the world. I don't want to remain this way.

Last night I stayed with Honey again.

When with him I'm in a constant battle with my body. Last night, my body won.

While they were sleeping I leaned over and kissed their forehead. She looked so beautiful close up. Apart from work, I have never really had a secret from anyone. I have never had something precious and mine. That kiss will be my first. I won't even tell Alena about it. It doesn't feel right. After all, it was my first and only act of intimacy with another person.

Was I selfish to kiss them without consent? Was it cruel of me? Only more questions were raised by giving in to my desires. I thought I'd find some peace, some easing of curiosity. I only want more, and I'm only more confused.

In the morning, I woke up so close to them I was on their pillow.

[himboarcher]

reasons i've seen folks say that grad critics hate grad:

they hate travis (in fairness, i’ve def seen some comments of people shitting on trav for the sake of shitting on trav, but it’s not super common and typically gets downvoted into oblivion on reddit.)

it's not balance / travis isn't griffin (???????)

they hate neurodivergent people (again, in fairness, i have seen a handful of comments that could come across this way! but most of the time when travis being ADHD or his NPD is brought up, it's by defenders saying that criticizing travis is ableist because he's neurodivergent or, in one particular comment, infantilizing him bc of it and literally comparing grad to putting a kid's artwork on the fridge. there were some comments early on that pointed to him being a narcissist as the reason for things people disliked about grad, but everyone seems to have realized that that's a shitty train of thought and left it behind.)

they're just toxic haters (again, there are a small handful of people like this because this is the internet, but the genuine criticism greatly outweighs their bullshit. i 100% think that the people, which is mostly just one dude who is also insufferable on reddit, who have been responding rudely to positive tweets under the episode announcements lately are out of line and need to stop. there's been an influx of that lately, presumably because people are frustrated that after over a year of grad going on, there's been no improvement to most of the major issues. that's still no excuse to be a dick to folks, though.)

vs some of the actual reasons i don't like grad:

the racism / racist tropes, and the way that they’ve straight up ignored this criticism and will likely never acknowledge it. pretty wild considering a core tenet of their brand is their willingness to acknowledge when they’ve messed up and do their best to course correct.

clumsy attempts at inclusion that are shallow and often end up being fairly offensive ("...ask me about my wheelchair," anyone?)

on a related note: i don't think that travis had bad intentions, but as an nonbinary person, it feels othering to me that travis only has enby characters give others their pronouns unprompted. i'm thinking specifically of kai here. having listened to their introduction, i don't think it's as bad or awkward as some people have said, but i can't remember travis ever having another NPC tell the PCs their pronouns, especially not a cis character. it's not a huge deal, but it's something that rubbed me the wrong way. admittedly, i don't think it would bother me so much if travis hadn't dropped the ball so much with performative inclusion in the past.

okay i'm putting the rest under a read more because even without getting into all of the problems i have with it, this got Long.

little to no player agency. player choices are ultimately meaningless and have little to no effect on the world. even when he seems to go along with a plan they come up with, it always ends with them having to go back to travis' pre-written script (see: subpoenaing the xorn, but not really because they had to go with travis' original plan of "send the xorn home through the rift".) the players repeatedly get told things about what they think or feel or what they've been doing to an unnecessary degree. fitzroy is the only one who really gets space to play and decide things for himself, and that's only because travis has decided he's the main character.

the NPCs are all too nice and willing to give the PCs anything they ask for and more, unless the PCs are trying to follow their own plan and then the NPCs are completely useless. but honestly, aside from gray, all of the NPCs are just.... nice. travis refuses to even let his antagonists be mean or cruel or even more than just slightly rude, because that'd be a bummer and we don't want that! the "twist" of gordy the lich king actually being polite and chill is not a twist at all because everyone is like that in this world. the NPCs are also wildly overpowered, but then suddenly absolutely useless when the PCs actually want their help.

too many cliffhangers that are dropped immediately at the beginning of the next episode. i feel bad for travis because so many of these cliffhangers actually set up good momentum and seemed like things were gonna get interesting, but almost every single time he just dropped them at the beginning of the next episode. like when althea showed up to interview the boys and the next episode started with travis being like "actually you went to sleep, she said she'll be back tomorrow!"

that time travis specifically said in his exposition dump that the thundermen left their horses behind because they thought the centaurs might be offended by them riding horses, only to later on rag on them for being surprised that the centaurs had horses they could ride.....

also the centaur arc in general, but i already listed racism above, so.

the way that the toxic positivity and parasocial tendencies in the mcelroy fandoms have made a large portion of the fandom take ANY criticism as a personal attack on travis and/or on themselves for enjoying something others consider bad, either morally or just quality-wise. it’s okay to admit that something you like has problematic elements or just isn’t as good as it once was. you can and should engage critically with the media you consume.

related to above: the way travis has handled genuine criticism, which is to throw public tantrums on his twitter or make weird passive aggressive tweets & ultimately ignore all the genuine criticism and advice he's been offered by claiming it's all subjective, even after he specifically asked for it and set up an email for folks to send in genuine, objective advice for him (after he threw a tantrum on twitter and replied to someone's criticism publicly, which resulted in his followers dogpiling on that person bc how dare they insult their internet best friend). while i was writing this last night, he actually announced that he’s taking a break from Twitter and acknowledged that he’s been using it as an echo chamber where he can easily get validation from folks, and honestly i’m happy for him that he’s recognized this problem and is stepping away for a while! i hope he’ll genuinely use this time to reflect on how he’s been behaving and find a more healthy way to use social media. i’m leaving this point in because i think his Twitter being such a positive echo chamber was encouraging him to do stuff like this, and him somewhat acknowledging his behavior doesn’t mean it can no longer be discussed.

rainer. extremely cool concept in theory and i was very into it until that awkward "does anyone want to ask about my wheelchair?" moment. also when travis had her use her mobility aid to RAM INTO A DOOR instead of just fucking knocking???? also all the times travis has tried to force a romantic relationship between her and fitzroy, despite fitzroy displaying no interest in her in that way. also, just to clarify: as an ace person, i don’t think this is aphobic! (and it’s kind of a stretch to call it that imo, especially since griffin never explicitly said that fitzroy's aromantic!) i just think it’s weird and awkward and a little uncomfortable for me personally, mostly because it reminds me of the times i’ve been in similar situations.

less of a problem than a lot of the other stuff and more just bad writing, but the forced emotional moments. in general, nothing in grad feels earned (why are the boys heading a war? when they have multiple actual heroes with combat experience on their side and a supposedly powerful secret organization? and the thundermen are like 21 years old max and have only had like ~10 fights in the entire campaign?) but there've been a couple times where travis has tried to force unearned emotional moments, presumably because he knows people enjoyed those with the last campaigns. but the difference is that in balance, the big emotional moments happened because they were earned. in grad, it's just travis throwing a baby pegasus at us for a few minutes and then the next time she shows up, it's supposed to be a tearful goodbye.

there are absolutely no stakes. remember when the thundermen got told that if they left, gray would kill 10 students? and then they left and came back and it turns out that what gray actually meant was, "i'll tie ten students who are mostly nameless NPCs to a tree and throw some dogs at them that you can easily stop in time, then throw a tantrum because how dare you but i'll leave before you can really do anything to hurt me lol" travis did have fitzroy's magic get taken away, but like. it didn't really do anything? also all he had to get it back was be coerced into using drugs by an authority figure and trip in the woods?

we're told that the school is weird and the hero system is corrupt, but the world of nua is still presented as more of a liberal utopia than anything? althea getting fired because of a corrupt villain is the only time we've somewhat seen corruption, but even then, she was still allowed to get (what seems to me, anyway, but admittedly i don't know for sure bc nothing about the HOG makes much sense) a fairly important job from the very people who stripped her of her hero license or whatever the fuck heroes need?

travis doesn't actually seem to understand how capitalism or bureaucracy works and just chalks up everything to "red tape." also more on the rest of the boys than him specifically, but the "let's destroy capitalism!" thing turning into just pushing some filing cabinets over................... okay.

and one last piece of extremely subjective criticism: it's just kind of.... boring. i think a lot of people, myself included, would be willing to overlook 90% of the problems with graduation if it didn't feel like such a slog to get through.

also people saying that we can't or shouldn't criticize graduation because it's "free" is absolutely absurd for several reasons. first, something being free does not make it above criticism. second, there ARE people who directly financially support the show with monthly donations. three, there's a difference between something being free and something being not for profit. podcasting is their full time job. they make their living off of money made from TAZ and MBMBAM (and probably their other shows to a lesser extent). this not a fun home game that they are graciously recording and sharing with us. it is a product they are producing that they make money off of, both from ads in the episodes and merch & books based off of these podcasts. they have marketed themselves as professionals, and both griffin and travis have been on panels where they are marketed as professional DMs and appear alongside other professional DMs (which makes it incredibly frustrating when people say that travis is just a newbie DM and we can't criticize him because of that. if he's a newbie, then he should not be taking part of panels as a professional DM where he speaks as an expert). TAZ is free in the same way that an episode of NCIS is free. i may not pay for it directly, but the creators are paid to create it and profit off of me consuming this product. so saying we should be grateful for any mcelnoise that the benevolent good boys share with us and that we're not allowed to criticize it "because it's free" is absolutely wild.