#and i am havingg FUN

[carlyraejepsans]

ohghh i have a REAL fun idea for a fic but now I'm too excited to actually write it i just keep pacing around my room instead

[gyahyahyahayhahayahyahyahyahyaha]

h

i really shouldnt be feeling like this in this precarious situation where im only kept afloat by anothers grace. but hard to even bother. i havent had a reason to honestly give a shit for my own sake for so long. and now i HAVE to. for someone else's sake. or suffer the lifechanging consequences... i guess im ust reckonin g with that................. ive been reckoning with that for an obscenely long time... ive gotten so complacent. ive been so settled in this position for so long. i dont knoww honestly. its been so long.

im not dealing with this well. the ever present and looming answer to this thats been hanging over my head for so long gets harder n harder to ignore. this is a situation i crafted with my owwwn two hands. this is a situation that i set aflame to with my own two hands. what hasnt been irrevocably ddestroyed but these efforts of mine has been left to rot. suspended merely by what i havent directly destroyed with mmy own actions. and all thats left is the rotting tension keeping these bridges up. whats left is rotting due to my inaction and cowardice. ive wasted too much time to start ccrying abou tit now that its staring me down in the face. now that i cant ignore it anymore. i can try ig. i was having fun cooking for JUST mysef for a bit for the first time in years ig not havingg to be CONSTANTLY looking over my shoulder like i would hhave before. its not like it left me completely. theres noway it could have after 2 whole decdes of ingraining those behaviors into your thinking patterns and how you approach everything. its crazy how carried away i got just from cooking a few meals and scrubbing a few showers for MYSELF. i got so excited and bigheaded thinking that "see? maybe i can do it". but its like...

why? why should i. i know why. if its at least for the ssake of not burdening others AS MUCH, as DIRECTLY anymore. but. that, ive long since noticed... can only take me so far. this fear is so pointless, sso annoying. ive already spent so much time letting myself being moved and shaped by it that now it just makes my heart move fastear nd my body freeeze upr and thats it. nothing worthwhile comes from engaging in this level of fear anymore. so have to stop it. i dont know if i can channel anything worthwile out of these feelings anymore. but after all this time. its difficult. i dont wanna be like this but whate lese is there for me to be but dead. its realy hard to think about naything else when thats the prevailing thought takin up (most if not all of)my line of sight. my emotions. my way of thinnking and planning. my fucking everything. i know it hasnt taken up everythyihng cuz 2 decades later im still here. i still eat. i stll worry a bout feeding myself. i still havent starved to death despite my attempts. i know this. i fucking know. i know. i know. i know. i know. i know. im still fucking here. i fucking know. i have bigger thins to worry about. i know. i made things this bad with my own two hands. i know i knoww i know i know i made things worse and wallowed in it. stewed in it. rotted in it. but i still. stretch. i still reach. i still jump. i still try to MOVE. i still feed myself. i wouldnt have been able to even have the energy or strenght to throw some shit together in the microwave if i didnt have all the help i did. they made it so easy. i wouldnt be able to move if i ididnt do all that. all this time. i know. i woudnt b e this fucking old. despite being completely unable to see myslef makein g it to this age. i fucking know. i ts not like i did much else bu tthink about it all this time. iveen sayin the same shit for so long and yet here i am. i know next hyear is the year i said that i d finally do something. if i wasnt out of that fucking place! and owouldnt you fukckinggg know it. im out of that fucking place bu its the same. im still strung up by others graccce towards me . im still fucking here. i have to do something. i have to burn them all up onece and for all OR cross the path afforded to memby these bridges extended to me. i have to take those steps . i know im too old for this.. but that doesnt even really bug me as much anymore. i dont have much time to waste. so otherwise i waste it and waste all these opportunities and time HANDED to me or i. take these opportunities and move forward with them. i can still salvage this situation while i stil have time to do so. if i try. so why am i still wasting all this time.

all the exuses ive been waiting on have arrived at my doorstep. i cant wait on them anymore. and its not like i had any good reason or excuse to wait anyways. i just. was losing momentum? giving up? its hard to prop yourself up and move using the guilt and fear and shame and regret of howww long and how much youve been relying on others to live as like fuel. its not sustainable. i woud fukcking know. this is probably my best and last chance to fix thinsg for myself. to graab hold of my own life. for my owwn sake. but i cant stop asking. "why? what for?".

i definitely lost sigght of a loit of immportant thinggsss. i mean. isnt that what fucking happens when you spend so much time imired in all those feelings, in your own head........ but. ok.

what now.

[fruity-octopus]

I hope you're havingg fun as well! is the lil octobaby doin okay?/Jack

i am! hes finally tired himself out.. now he's just sitting here staring at me/lh - epel

[thegeminisage]

i think my fever broke but i am still aching head to toe. i love vaccines i love the pandemic we’re havingg fun

[seblore]

Hii..hope your exams are going great💖💖💖

Sorry for replying late, out here doing 🥾 🏔 and then getting me brains blown out by you🤯🤯🤯 coz if we’re talking about Mr. Styles’ TBSL, then Falling is just out there before it and it’s like— 💔💔💔

I'm in my bed

And you're not here

And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands

Forget what I said

It's not what I meant

And I can't take it back

I can't unpack the baggage you left

What am I now?

What am I now?

What if I'm someone I don't want around?

I'm fallin' again

OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

Also one for your Brocedes consideration—

Adele’s 💔Take It All💔—

Didn't I give it all?

Tried my best

Gave you everything I had, everything and no less

Didn't I do it right?

Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to having me 'round

Still how can you walk away

From all my tears

It's gonna be an empty road without me right here

But go on and take it, take it all with you

Don't look back at this crumbling fool

Just take it all with my love, take it all with my love

(Lewis to Nico?)

and there I go, breaking both of our hearts, innit?👀 but wait... if there’s is Brocedes then there has to be Sewis for countering it, no?😌

By Trevor Daniel, Falling 💫

My last made me feel like I would never try again

But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt

Come closer, I'll give you all my love

If you treat me right, baby,(Seby) I'll give you everything

My last made me feel like I would never try again

But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt

Come closer, I'll give you all my love

Here’s a certainly interesting part from it tho🤭

Speeding fast on the run, never want to get caught up

Now you the one that I'm calling

Swore that I'd never forget, don't think I'm just talking

I think I might go all in,

Uhh okay i suppose?

What I can’t decide is whether Surefire by JL is Hulkenussen or Sewis😐😬

ohhh yeah, I’ll work on the timeline soon. A treat for you after your exams?💖

Your- Paper Rings is Sewis and Illicit Affairs is Hulkenussen Anon!

OmG HIII I MISSEDDD YOUUUUUU 💕💕💕 and exams are going surprisingly good shjskak thanks <333 and ooohhhh hope your havingg fun ✨🥾🏔✨ stay safee <333

YOU DID NOT JUST HIT ME WITH HULKENUSSEN BROCEDES AAND SEWIS IN ONE ASK SHANDBDBS AAAAAAAAAAAA MANY THOUGHTS HEAD F U L L AAAAA DHJSKSJDJSK YOU ohmygoddddd shjaka BRILLIANT and from now im gonna change baby to seby in all love songs hdjsjsksk

AnD hshsj GSAKAKAJS surefire sounds awful lot like brocedes to me 👁👁 i meann

Somewhere where good love conquers and not divide

?!????? FOLLOWED BY

And oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my God

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so tired of fighting

Let go, give in, let go and give up, oh

[legobatjoker]

kay so funny story is tht thru this saga i have had some ideas for hashtag funny posts abt bieng shadowbanned nd a lot of the time i was like "oh hehe im gonna go to post this but *then* itll mean im no longer am shadobanned bc as soon as i wanna joke abt it ill no longer b the case for me to joke abt nd then ill b free hehe >:]" but tht never happened nd tbh most of the time tht not happening just made me annoyed so then i iddnt post the funny post idea BUT like yesterady/earleir 2day i like. fully accspeted the idea tht i wld b stuck shadowbannd for a couple weeks but then i did have an idea for a hastag funny "playlist 4 when ur shdowbanned on tumblr" (with such songs as invisible tswift bc thts what my blog was in ppls notifs nd cruel summer bc it was cruel 4 me 2 get shadowbanned right when summers abt 2 start) like i was planning 2 make this nd post this after school 2day bc the shadowban was rly starting 2 upset me so i wanted 2 have fun with it yk and *that* right when i accsepted the idea i wldnt b out of this mess 4 a while was when the logic of "i wanted to make a jokey post abt being shadowbanned so now i no longer am as i go to make it" applied 😭😭😭 obvs rly relieved nd glad tho bc im finally free nd can message u on here nd stuff !!! >:]

ORUHEHEHEH THE UNIVERSE WORKS HER MAGIC AGAIN… as soom as u accept being shadowbanned and havingg fun w it u r unbanned…. … also if u still have any funney posts in ur drafts that u think r very good i wld love to see them shsbsjzhzj

[batfamscreaming]

Tag Meme

 So I’ve been tagged by @nikescaret​

Okay so the rules of this are:

1)Put your music on shuffle and list the first ten songs.

2) Tag ten people! lmao

((since I no longer have the capability to shuffle songs havingg lost my whole itunes everything, I’m just doing the first songs that come to mind. that counts as a shuffle, right?))

1) Fallen - Imagine dragons 2) Forces of the Unseen - Cloud Cult 3) Earth - Sleeping At Last 4) The Greatest - Sia 5) Miss atomic Bomb - the killers 6) Anti gravity - Runaground 7) Castle - halsey 8) Island - Sara Bareilles 9) Cry Baby - Melanie Martinez 10) Savages - Marina and the diamonds you know this is legit because theres’ no way I’d put “fallen” by imagine dragons in this list otherwise. It was just stuck in my head at the time. Warrior, Believer, and Sorry are all much better songs uuuh I tag @askull4everyoccasion @13thcat @imperatorvalens @i-am-thesenate ??? anyone who wants to do this. just say I tagged you have fun with music