#and i cant help but feel like theyre lying every time they tell me they love me

[gaykneecaps]

tw vent

[trohpi]

moonwater au where regulus is trans and his periods happen to occur around the full moon. when he befriends remus, remus immediately thinks that hes also a werewolf because of all the “signs” (ie being irritable and in pain around the full, refusing to change around others, knowing how to get blood stains out, etc)

and hes so excited to find someone else like him that he just sort of,,, tracks regulus down one day and is like “i know your secret” and regulus, thinking that remus figured out hes trans, freezes. he panics internally, his mind whirring with how much does he know? and who will he tell? but most of all, what lie can i tell that will be convincing enough for remus lupin to believe?

so when remus continues, saying “i know youre a werewolf too” regulus just sort of,,, goes with it. hes all “yup yup yup, totally a werewolf, thats my big secret, you caught me” and remus is just relieved that he finally has someone to talk about it with. because sure, he can complain to sirius and james and peter about the transformations, but its not the same as talking with someone who actually experiences it, who actually lives it.

and its when they start having these talks that regulus realizes that, funnily enough, being a trans man is not all that different from being a werewolf. when remus talks about looking in the mirror and seeing someone elses body, regulus gets it. and when regulus talks about the fear of losing your friends if they discover who you are, remus gets it too. its a weight off of both of their shoulders, having someone that relates so deeply to their experiences, and they start to become close. really close.

eventually remus starts acting different around him, small touches and lingering glances filling their time together, and regulus begins to feel guilty. immensely guilty. hes been deceiving remus, listening to him divulge his innermost secrets under false pretenses, and now remus has feelings for him. nevermind the fact that regulus returns said feelings, because thats irrelevant. after remus discovers hes been lying this whole time, about being a werewolf and about being a cis man, he wont want regulus anyways. and its not like he deserves his love, not with how cruel regulus is and how kind remus is.

then remus tries to kiss him, and regulus cant do it anymore. he starts crying and admits he was lying the entire time, that hes not a werewolf, that hes actually a trans man, and hell understand if remus doesnt want him anymore. remus is quiet for a moment out of pure shock before he just starts laughing. like folded over, belly-aching laughing. and regulus is internally panicking the entire time but remus just cant help it. he thinks back to every “sign” he ever noticed and cant believe that he missed this. finally he calms down just enough to collect himself and looks to regulus, who is still panicking, and says “i guess our times of the month arent quite so similar afterall”

regulus bursts into startled laughter and remus cant help but join him, but then tears of relief start clouding regulus’ eyes because he was so sure remus would hate him. so, so sure, but he doesnt and the relief is overwhelming. then remus pulls him into a tight hug, and he thinks maybe theyre alright.

[multifandombullshitbabes]

ive been obsessed with the concept of merlin who actually runs away with freya because after she got injured he panicked and healed her right in front of arthur. so he panicked, again, and ran away with her to live next to the lake. and they do build their lil cottage and have a strawberry farm and some cows. and they also have time to explore their feelings.

and its the funniest thing, because merlin has also been slowly crushing on arthur, and that much is clear whenever he talks abt him to freya. it doesnt make her jealous or anything, just sad that she knows they'll probably never be together. that the only time that merlin and arthur do "interact" is when merlin secretly saves his ass every week or so. like merlin technically never left, but now he gets creative, uses glamours, learns shape shifting after helping freya with her own curse.

he gets to meet with morgana now, because freya urged him to not leave her alone in this mess, so now we don't get evil morgana (yay!). merlin also tentatively tries to do the same with mordred whenever they do meet with the druids, especially when they were figuring out freya's curse, and mordred grows on merlin, so we also dont get evil mordred (great bonus).

and another thing that ive also been obsessed with thinking is that when the great purge began, nimueh tried to sought out balinor since i think they were friends, being 2 magic users with special abilities (high priestess and dragonlord). and she ended up at ealdor just in time to see merlin be born.

and then they meet later on, and nimueh kinda doesnt believe that that's merlin from ealdor since hes in fucking camelot. but then the questing beast happened. and when merlin goes to kill her, she manages to shield herself last second. and feeling that great power that she felt when merlin was born, because he was almost glowing golden and so potent she almost dropped him when she held lil merlin, her brain fucking stopped. she cannot kill merlin. and so she does something that she almost did when she met hunith, and she understood in that little time why balinor had stayed with her, and nimueh decides to use the power she has for her immortality to ensure arthur lives. so now she will age like a normal human, gaius is alive, and so is arthur. and now merlin and nimueh are very awkward with each other.

especially when a bit of time later they end up meeting with the druids to help freya and theyre also helping nimueh. she felt as if her powers were weaker, but merlin was like "yh no ure lying u feel exactly the same" n leaves thinking nimueh is plotting. when in reality she actually did think her powers were dying and that fear made it seem as if it was actually happening. her mind played tricks on her, and she almost believed her magic was dying.

so after this lil nimueh interlude, lets go back to freya and merlin.

the funniest thing abt theyre situation is that. while merlin is obviously crushing on arthur (and brooding abt it cuz yknow), freya is just. "merlin, i think im crushing on gwen." "???? have u met her?" "no but ive seen her and she smells like a good person and also i like what i know abt her from you." "ok-" "also im crushing on morgana." "freya." "also elyan." "GWENS BROTHER????" "HES. PRETTY. YOU CANT TELL ME THAT NOT TRUE CUZ LAST TIME I CHECKED UR EYES ARE WORKING FINE."

i do think that when freya finally gets control over her curse and has her lil space with merlin, her true sunshine gremlin nature comes out and she manages to be more chaotic than merlin, just also more sweet. and dangerous. she can turn into a literal monster.

also. merlin and freya getting married. and having babies. twins. its been on my MIND non stop yall, this has never happened before idc abt kids-

[screampied]

I JUST started this fic. “Ma’am” MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWWWWW MIAOOOOWWWW SHES PURRING THATS SO FINE MEOWWWW “she” HE REFERRED TO THE CAR OR WTV IT IS AS SHE THATS SOOO FINE UGHHHH I need a mechanical baby daddy

his cap is twisted I’m literally gonna bust. ..

there’s no way I closed my eyes expecting a kiss IM SHOOTING UP THE WHOLE STREET AINT NO WAY I JS GIT CUATHY W THAT SHIT U MUST BE PLAYING

oh everyone clocked out nvm we safe chat :3 NOT THE COLOGONE UGGGSGFGAH BRO WHEN U SEE A FINE MAN AND U SMEEL SOME OF THEIR MAN PERFUME ITS LIKE GET IN MY BED JSHSHSHSJ “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss ya” 😛😛

we kissed the last time we met… OH YES did he just mock my stuttering I promise you I JUST busted a nut AUFGHH HAVE MY BABIES TOJI PLS “something telling me you came here for more than just an oil change, baby” well shit I mean we can change that oil for ur cum in me than we can rlly make some babies OR WHATEVAAA 😻

“yeah you do” EEEEKKKKKKK 😻😻😻 the heh I SWEAR vegas you will be the death of me. bro the way you describe a kiss….. what the actual freak…. whys this so good.. GOD I CANT OMG DID HE PUT ME ON THE CAR MEOWWWWW this eating out scene has me acting up “kinky lil slut” OKAY NOW IM ACC GEEKING PLS HAVE MERCY “there’s that cute heartbeat” OH MY GOD

“go head girl” GO HEAD, BE GONE WITH IT 🗣️🗣️ also did u hear my man Justin got arrested… LIKE BRO FREE HIM ☹️☹️ anyways back to this ungodly fanfiction :3

“yeaaaahhhh” #NEEDTHAT. HASH-TAG NEED THATTTTTTT GOODNESS GRACIOUS MEEEEE

OH HES RIGHTUNG HIS NUMBER ON MY ASS HELLOO THAT IS NICE OH MY “uhmmmm, you kind of don’t” guess I don’t !! theyre all yours toji bae 😻 “come back anytime for a refill” COMING EVERY DAY LMFPAOAOA

THAT FIC WAS YUMMY, DELICIOUS N YUMMY AND YUMMY YUMMY YUMMMMYYYYYYY TYVM FOR THE MEAL VEHAS N AS ALWAYS I LOVED ITTTT

— Pearl anon :9

PEARLLLLLL I LOVEUUUUU TY FOR READING 😞😞😞😞💓 i hope you’ve been doin alr tho n stayin safe, sweetheart <3

LMAOOO i love making reader a horny embarrassed girl she’s so cute. reaching in for a kiss i’d actually die inside omg the embarrassment heherkhlhp. we love her 🤞🏽 yessss toji w the twisted cap he’s so sexy i need it

😭😭😭😭😭 nooooauur bc i rly feel like mechanic toji would b such a sloppy kisser omg. u can taste the remains of cheap alcohol on his tongue oh brotherrrr. HELP WHOS JUSTIN ??? BEIBER ???? INCRYING

THANKYOUU S'MUCH IM GEEKING ur commentary is always so sweet ilu pearly 🙂‍↕️💓

[alisria]

if i have to see that fucking post about how "actually it's impossible to lose weight and you should never be recommended weight loss for your health and you can never ever keep weight off and if you diet you will Starve To Death" one more time i am going to actually commit an act of violence (after seeing it for the sixth fucking time and getting mad about it AGAIN i have finally blocked op instead of just continuing to unfollow whoever put it on my dash)

i put my rant under a readmore because i was writing it in tags and it got too long if anyone tries to fucking debate me about any of this you are getting blocked i seriously do not give a fuck this is a VENT POST because im EXTREMELY ANGRY

i understand that this sentiment can be valuable for people with restrictive eating disorders. you are allowed to eat and nourish your body and not feel guilty. but saying that "oh your knees wont hurt as much and your LDL/A1C will improve but thats it it's otherwise Very Unhealthy" is grossly negligent

ldl? you mean cholesterol? a1c? you mean blood sugar levels? you mean by eating in a way that nourishes your body but not in significant excess will help prevent heart disease and type 2 diabetes? which are lifelong medical conditions that can be expensive to live with in countries with no socialized health care?

how about instead of lying and saying that Losing Weight Is Bad we talk about eating varieties of nutrient-dense foods. we talk about adding in foods that are good for our bodies and slowly reducing the amount of foods that are genetically engineered to make you crave more and more and are sold by companies that do not give a shit about your health

like. eating 1500 calories a day is not a starvation diet for anyone under 5 foot 4. it is for taller people. because who would have thought people with larger frames need more energy to make their bodies work. because there is more of them to move around.

weight loss AND weight gain are morally neutral!! stop acting like One of them is good and one of them is evil!!! i understand that not every post is about me but like fuck!! seriously!!! this is the Misinformation Website!!! "this is all googleable" okay but you are also using extremely biased language. you are telling people to google 'starvation diet'. of course they will find information about people LITERALLY STARVING. 'i am a doctor just trust me bro' my doctor is the same with the body positive shit i had to CONVINCE her that losing weight would be worthwhile for me for a multitude of reasons. she finally fucking agreed with me after i said "listen. i felt so much better emotionally, physically, and mentally at [X] lbs. i could tie my own shoelaces without sitting down. i could run a mile without collapsing. using the fucking restroom is easier. i wasn't getting fucking TRAPPED on the floor. and now i weigh [Y] lbs and cant put on my own socks and i am fucking crippled and walk with a cane. i am MISERABLE. and i am STILL MISERABLE after finally being on medication that helps with my brain because i am in EXCRUCIATING PAIN every waking moment, and it even fucking wakes me up at night. i cant sleep. i cant do *anything*." and she finally had to say "yeah okay maybe it would help to lose some weight" LIKE I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO CONVINCE YOU TO BE OKAY WITH ME DOING SOMETHING THAT IS GOOD FOR ME.

this shit makes me SO FUCKING ANGRY. i have seen a dietician, who has graduated me from seeing her. i do not have an eating disorder. but these fucking posts that are just LYING are actively triggering!!!

for the love of god there are communities of people out there who have lost a significant amount of weight, have kept it off, and are EXTREMELY supportive for people who want that for themselves! people who choose to stick around once theyre in "maintenance" (staying at a weight that is healthy for them) because they want to help people improve their lives! acting like NO ONE keeps the weight off is just wrong!!

some of us have fucked up hunger cues!! some of us have adapted overeating as an unhealthy coping mechanism!! as a form of self-harm!! and these things deserve to be faced with kindness and understanding, not "You Will Fail, You Will Fail, You Must Stay Fat"

being fat is morally neutral!! being thin is morally neutral!! you are not a bad person for wanting to gain weight! you are not a bad person for wanting to lose weight! you are not a bad person for wanting to stay the same weight! you are not a bad person for not even being concerned about your weight! but by fucking god you are allowed to feel happy and comfortable with your body in whatever shape it is, and if you know you would be happier in a different shape, you are allowed to work for that!!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nights-nonsensical-ramblings]

Next one! Let’s go go go! Episode 12 (s2e4)

Ooh Shadow is the void with the council

nope not the yellow just green through weird light

yay he’s hopeful for sonic

shadow? That you?

I love this snarky boy

HANG ON! I SAID THIS! BEFORE IT CAME OUT I SAID HOW COOL IT WOULD BE FOR THERE TO BE A SHARD MOMENT WHERE DREAD BETRAYS SONIC!

he’s actually really good at lying.

and yeah, Sonic’s gonna have no hope convincing Dread to tell them

i Cant wait to see what happens when he learns Dread intentionally mislead them

oh has he realised?

he’s lost it

no. Wait. He lost it a long time ago. But somehow he lost it more

oh ambush!

yeah, he’s not gonna listen

shadow sabotage!

loosing?

catfish feels bad

FROGGY!

Soething tells me dread won’t be guilty

every time I think dread Cant be more insane…

awww rose bonding

oooh resenting dread?

I don’t doubt him there.

they’re totally going to turn on him

spooky shadow!

the roses helping each other!

theyrs all scared of what he’s going to do

JE KEEPS LOSING IT!

LET HIM KEEP IT AND CAUSE PROBLEMS

straight up evil laughter! Noted by the subs and everything

he ditching them!

he really looks like he’s flying

oh down in one shot!

hey the adventure pose!

oof

oh damn he actually got shot

i love batten

oh the crews gonna be mad at dread

black rose now captain?

where’s Dread?

he’s on the ship!

oh he’s going full villain and i am here for it.

[autocann1bal]

part four of my playlist analysis!!

part 1 &lt;- part 2 &lt;- part 3 <- back into the soup we dive

somewhere only we know - keane lockwood takes them to a special spot and they have a nice picnic on a hill and cuddle on a picnic blanket <3 we're ignoring how sad the song actually is <33.

brooklyn baby - lana del rey oh please lockwood is so brooklyn baby by lana del rey you cant tell me hes not hes a posh little london boy and lucy's a girl who grew up in a rural town in the north theyre so brooklyn baby.

sunsetz - cigarettes after sex we're ignoring the sexual aspect of this song entirely <3 anyway theyre wandering around a park just before the sunset, just being silly and cute <333. like real people do - hozier look i know we've had plenty of locklyle sleepy morning and sleepy nights but this one is DIFFERENT OK. they wake up in lockwoods bed after a rough night of panic attacks from both of them, they fell asleep in eachothers arms. lucy tries to get up without disturbing him and he, still asleep, holds her tighter and kisses her forehead. she stays till he wakes up and they kiss <333 domesticity my beloved. its called: freefall - rainbow kitten surprise george and lucy talking methinks. it just feels like a serious conversation between them. my kind of woman - mac demarco lockwood just heart-eyes-ing at lucy while she files papers in the basement or smth idk just lockwood pathetic simp mode, as usual <33. i was all over her - salvia palth lmao lockwood hopeless simp time but sad edition. the way he looks at her, like shes all hes ever wanted, all he ever will want, but the knowledge that she may never be his. this gets even worse after she starts helping him with his panic attacks, he feels like hes using her. francis forever - mitski lockwood, alone in his room, every night after lucy left. he cant get her out of his head and hes to afraid to ask george for help, for fear george will tell him to suck it up and move on (which of course would never happen). those where some rough nights for lockwood. the beer - kimya dawson lucy breakdown song (real) (not clickbait) (im definitely not writing this instead of my essay waht are you talking about) i want you - mitski lucy, longing for lockwood more than anything, but shes so deathly afraid that holly is replacing her. diet mountain dew - lana del rey ok it doesnt. really fit their dynamic i dont think but it just sounds so right ykwim? good looking - suki waterhouse hes her good looking boy!!! this song is so them just read the lyrics <33. 4 morant - doja cat erm. uhm. haha. i mean. yea. erm. so. hee hee. lockwood vibes. harness your hopes - b-side - pavement that whole 'hold me just like the morning paper' line is so simp-y lockwood <3333. dirty night clowns - chris garneau different. vibe from the last song uhhh. do i have to explain. move me - half.alive THEY ARE SO HALF.ALIVE I CANT EXPLAIN IT ITS JUST THEM. i mean the literal first line of this song is 'i never told, you never asked' which is quite literally them in episode 6 so. i wanna be yours - arctic monkeys just lockwood being a simp again and who can blame him lucy is so <333. britrock - mccafferty uh oh more mccafferty time. this song is just so lucy i dont know why it just is im sorry. im not sorry. after dark - mr. kitty sad vibes. theyre both in the dark just lying together in lockwoods bed. not even talking just together. thinking. ill call you mine - girl in red do i have a personal vendetta against this song?? yes. will it stop me from using it for Them TM?? absolutely not. cute domestic roadtrip vibes fight me. i want to be with you - chloe moriondo this one is self explanatory. bedroom ghost - flower face oops different vibe. lucy shower breakdown? no, lockwood shower breakdown :sunglasses:. privately owned spiral galaxy - crywank (specifically the lovejoy cover tho) mmm lockwood thinking alone in his room song methinks. christ alright, part 5 ig im so sorry this is so long i feel so bad dfhgfkjg

[wanderrlust0]

if youre gonna be happy with me one day and then dry the next day, so be it. ill just match your energy and be dry to you back bc wth

why am i trying to ignore the fact and pretend like its nothing. its. annoying. and theres no reason for it and its unfair that he always gets this way. just bc his ex could cheat, he could cheat, anyone else could cheat, doesnt mean i will automatically cheat as well. why am i always being treated by him like i already cheated and hes already accusing me of stuff thats never even happened nor will it, whenever i hang out with my friend that he doesnt like for NO solid reason. its only his gut feelings and his anxiety plus his outside perspective that my friend is this like crazy, terrible, home wrecker person he believes they are. like why do i feel like he just doesnt like any of my friends sometimes. but this specific friend he says he like hates. like dude first of all, thats such a strong word, you can chill out. secondly, youre the only one whos hating here. my friend doesnt hate you. and hes like “well she has no reason to”. i shouldve said yeah and you have no reason to hate them either. my friend has def shared their opinions on him bc of some of the annoying stuff hes done!!..lol bc yes ive vented to them ofc since theyre my friend, but my friend does not HATE him. theyre happy for me and him and how i was able to find someone for me and stay together for this long (5 yrs with him!!!). he claims he “believes” me and “trusts me” EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENS but then he just resorts back to being uncaring and distant like ??!?! helloooo wheres the caring, loving, funny, bf i fell in love with wtf that just made me cry omg. like you say you trust me then show me and dont stop. why does he have so much doubt in me. not to sound insensitive but he neeeeds to get pasttttt thisss alreadyyy. i kind of told him that its gonna become like so draining if this keeps happening anytime i wanna hang out with this friend and its gonna take a toll on our relationship in the long run. like will he EVER, EVER get over it.. is he really gonna “hate” my friend forever. like can we just figure something out, anything, and do whatever it takes so he can change his perspective of my friend and see that they are def not a threat?! i brought up the idea of meeting again and if that will actually help him to see this person clearer and get his own impression first hand so he can understand and not just go off of his own ideas. he said yes maybe it will but that itll partly feel like a laugh in the face and i was like what?? wdym and he was like well on the off chance that you two DO end up doing things then its like a laugh in the face or whatever. im like seriouslyy. i already told him a million gazillion trillion times that we have NEVER got romantic with each other. right from the start, when we started talking it was in a friendly way and over time we became more comfortable when talking and thats how we became closer. me and him bumping into this friend at the mall coincidently before meeting irl was NOT the problem. we were ALREADY talking about hanging out for the first time. he said it feels like i would choose this friend over him if he were to walk away and i was like okay you cant give me an ultimatum like that and he was like im not! but it feels that way! i tell him i love him and MULTIPLE times he’ll be like “you better!” in a playful but serious way. like do you reallyyy seriouslyyy think that i dont?!? and last time he said that (a few days ago) i was like well do YOU love me?? and he continued to joke around and was like no no i dont love you im like omg stop lying and he stopped. i found out that his defense mechanism is that when he gets in these moods and mindset when im hanging out with my friend, he tells himself to not care about me as much bc if his fears come true then he wont feel as hurt bc he already stepped back. IT MAKES SENSE BUT ITS ALSO LIKE WHY DOES HE HAVE TO ASSUME IM DOING STUFF ALREADY LIKE WHEN WILL YOU HEAL YOUR TRAUMAS FROM YOUR EX D; WEVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5 YRS. he was with his ex for like a year! i am not her. i will never do what she did.

[lunanheartache]

eh. lambgar thoughts and dynamics. if ur a pc in his campaign dont read probably

sometimes i want to call them an odd pair but that isn't really fair i think. they're pretty complimentary. they just run into issues with how they deal with things

early lambgar is easy. they're casual acquaintances who run into each other every so often and usually end up sleeping together when they do. jgar likes that lamb doesn't have expectations for him, and lamb likes that jgar is so straightforward and honest. they dont really argue or anything because there isnt really anything Too argue about - they're not together long and lamb doesn't share enough that anything would come up. main source of "conflict" is that jgar trusts people and lamb is like. you are putting yourself in danger. and jgar is like but if i dont trust em someone else might be in danger?? But for the most part: almost like high school / college friends. theyre friendly, flirty, but dont delve into anything hard on purpose

lambgar once theyre Actually More Serious is more a result of jgar than lamb. jgar winds up getting very disillusioned and homesick and reaches out to lamb in a way he hasn't before (and in a way that lamb isn't used to either). it ends up deepening their relationship from surface level to something more solid but fragile-new. jgar is willing to share himself because that's what he does, and lamb does but in fractions and much less. she shares a little about her family, mostly that they dont talk anymore and that she couldnt do anything right in their eyes, but most of what he leans on jgar for is current things, things theyre experiencing together. jgar, for his part, can tell that lamb has come from a different world than he has and he wants to show them what he thinks the world is really like (good and honest). lamb does absorb some of it, mostly in dealing with jgar - they know he isnt lying when he talks, and do slowly build up a sense of trust that they can tell him (some) things without it being an issue. the problem lamb runs into is that he has grown up being told that no matter he's fucking up and he's got the high school era depression mindset. he shares with jgar but doesn't think he can share Hard feelings or when he (lamb) has messed up because that will Ruin Things. this causes the occasional fight, but not drastic as at this point, things are still growing

pivotal point - jgar decides to stop adventuring because of a really bad job. he winds up just so disheartened he needs a break, needs some time back in his world where things are clear and genuine. lamb, who wants that too, goes with him, and they start a farm and get married. the two of them are pretty good at reading each other. jgar knows how to pry things out of lamb, and lamb knows how to tell jgar he's being a dick and when to shut up and other things. jgar likes that lamb is so different from him and he really admires their experience and enjoys learning new things from them that he wouldn't have otherwise. lamb likes that jgar is sweet and actively interested and doesnt seem to think they fuck up a lot, also likes how involved in community & local tradition he gets and tries to engage herself. they're very much a learn from each other couple. some communication issues, but they work through them

big thing comes up when lamb is attacked. the first month after, lamb realizes they've been werewolfed, and immediately panics. this is bad. this is so bad. they can't find the words to tell jgar because it feels like admitting they fucked up, this is their fault, they just became Literally wrong and difficult and dangerous and oh god oh fuck. she tries to work up the courage a few times, but bails consistently. he doesn't want to admit that now he actually cant Help but ruin things - he mightve been getting better before but now? then every month that passes it just compounds: i cant tell him because he'll realize i've been lying to him for months. he's going to hate me for lying. he hates lying. its like The Thing he hates. i need to tell him. but i cant. ahhhh

then lamb kills him

whoops

wolfing out after one of their worst arguments was not great. they reacted on terrified, frazzled instinct. they have been lying for two years now, and jgar is mad at them for something and it's just a sign that he's going to figure this out and it will be Worse and lamb is a coward who always runs away and fuck. oh fuck where's jgar. oh god oh god i killed him. hes dead. like dead dead i cant bring him back. oh fuck. this is bad. this is the worst thing i could possibly fuck up. im gonna bury him and pretend like nothing happened. its fine. im fine. this is fine. but then the town is asking about jgar because he's so community oriented, and lamb has to lie and say oh hes sick, he just cant make it, oh hes busy, he'll be around one day haha! and she's falling apart from the guilt and the stress and the lies and the grief but can't do anything about it because that's Admitting it. he decides he can clean up his mess and get jgar back and make it right and good again, so he gets some help and magics him back to life

except. jgar doesn't come back great. he comes back really weak and in a lot of pain and intensely confused. he doesnt remember anything. so lamb concocts a story where yes, jgar got hurt after they argued but she fixed everything and now he's back and things will be okay again. except jgar keeps getting frustrated and upset because he's recovering from 5 months in the dirt, and lamb is trying to make everything good without admitting to any wrong. by the time jgar recovers some function, he's sensed a rift between them and he interprets this as hes weak now, hes worse on the eyes, hes just a bad memory for lamb, not realizing that lamb is holding himself at a distance out of fear. jgar feels like he has to prove himself so he goes adventuring again. lamb doesn't know how to feel about it

important parts - they communicate well, until lamb gets stressed as their response to stress is mainly flight. lamb generally doesn't go for appeasement or anything to end a confrontation, he will just straight up run away if it's bad enough. normally, he is just kind of teary with confrontation but manages because jgar is easy to talk to and a good emotional example. they like each others quirks and find them endearing (jgar likes lamb's expensive tastes, lamb thinks jgar's tusk shyness is very cute). jgar generally assumes lamb is wholly honest with him, even having caught them in other smaller lies; he just moves forward after the argument thinking they will be honest next time for sure

[sumbreon]

just going over this whole past year, you know how it is

self harm and family death below so that gives you an idea of how its gone i guess

so january started on a nice high, i felt better than i had in a long time and then one week into january it took a complete nosedive to the lowest id felt in years. like i went from starting to talk and managing to push myself to do some stuff i wanted to/would be good for me to wanting to self harm for the first time in seven years. i was sat at work completely dissociated and got jolted out of it by an extremely vivid image of blood pouring out of my arm.

it was a double edged sword because it pushed me to finally reduce my hours at work which i really needed but like it meant i was doing real bad which really fucking sucked with how id been doing the past month. it was agreed with my boss that id start my reduced hours in april so we wouldnt have to mess around with annual leave calculation bullshit and just knowing it was coming helped but i was definitely pretty out of it for those months.

march rolls around, i have a week and a half booked off. im gonna decide on some things i want to do with my extra time after i recover mentally and then my grandmother is in hospital with some dark spot on her bladder and the care home she was in cant look after her anymore and she may have contracted covid in the hospital but its fine she didnt then michael tells me theres gonna be a band 4 coming up in pathology IT but i cant process that right now but its there in the back of my mind constantly then she gets bounced around a few care homes then shes back in hospital then it settles and shes in a care home 5 minutes away from our house but i still havent seen her in like a year and a half at this point and im wracked with guilt because what do i remember about her really? not much it feels like, i worry if shed even recognise me, what would i even say to her? but it doesnt matter because visitors are still limited and id rather my mum and aunties see her cause theyd get more out of it

then its april and my mum just snaps under her own job, i have this extra time at home but i gotta walk on eggshells cause march happened and now this and i have no idea how shes doing mentally because this family is so emotionally repressed so i just hide in my room, basically feeling kinda catatonic and just straight up lying at work like 'yeah its great!'

then may comes around and i do actually start to recover. the band 4 jobs still in the background of my mind but nothing mores been said about it but i cant not think about it. the time goes by so much faster than you think it would but i start drawing again. small canvas size just sketches nothing fancy at all just a minimum something once a week no pressure its okay

june is much the same, the plan had been recover mentally then start applying for jobs elsewhere but then the band 4 was there looming so the plan became wait and see what comes of that, i dont manage to get back to where i was at this time last year but i do my best to not hold it against myself, im getting better thats what matters

july. the band 4 goes up its all thats in my brain. i want to recind my application so i can stop worrying about it. i get the job its full time and day time hours as opposed to the 12-8 ive been doing for years but its too good an opportunity for me to pass up. its means i can get on paper IT experience

august comes around and im due to start my new job on the 8th. its the 7th i go downstairs see my mum and ask her how its going. my grandmother is dead. i start my new job and i say nothing about that, its a struggle though i dont show it im shown a few things but theyre done quickly and easy to stay on top of, i only know one person in this room, my desk is the first one you see when you come into the room so im on edge every time the door opens, i dont want to be doing this right now but sitting at home wont do me any good either so i bear it silently, the funeral is the 26th, i only mention this to my new boss because i need the day off, theres a moment of pity that i cant really deal with. i hate being pitied i know people mean well by it but it makes me bristle. its the 26th my mum starts crying as we get to the crematorium shes gripping my hand tightly and i wont let her go either, i sit there and feel the guilt about not remembering but then my great uncle starts to read her eulogy and its like 'oh. there you are. i do remember you. i remember so much of you' and then im crying too

september and october i mostly just continue to adjust to how things are, this new normal, the new job is good, my new boss is kind, i want to cry

november, the birthday month, the start of self reflection. what do i want out of life, how can i get it, who do i want to be. i never really know, i remind myself that this year has been a struggle and i do my best to be kind to myself, its birthday week and ive kept up the weekly sketching for 6 months now, i only missed one week and i dont feel bad about it. a band 5 has gone up in pathology IT, explicitly for me

its december and its come around so fucking fast, its over already. i get the band 5 we have a nice christmas. i survive. this year had such extreme highs and lows and i honestly have no idea how to like rank this year

i have come to the unfortunate conclusion that working in pathology IT will be temporary, my boss is set to retire july this year, working full time takes too much out of me so i dont have the energy to do things that i want, i miss my hours of 12-8. the plan was always stick it out for a year and see where im at but the hope was that id stay. maybe im not done adjusting but thats for the eden of june to decide.

thank you for reading i love you i hope things go well for you be kind to yourself - eden :] <3

[tears-of-boredom]

My room door has its hinges on my side so youd have to break the door to get in. I think i can hold my side if im awake. Im kinda paranoid. But i guess i have basis in that. I have a reason why i feel so stressed in this house. Even though i shouldnt. I should have no reason to have to keep a knife in my room to feel safe. And i think she doesnt see that i have reasons. I think that she thinks im just angry at her. I think she thinks i dont answer her because im mad at her. She thinks that i would want to keep my door closed when she comes in to talk because then the cats can get in. She thinks i care.

My sister sent me a text earlier. It was actually yesterday. We dont really talk to each other, just relay information when needed. She said that she wants for me to leave as well for the weekend so she and her friends can be totally alone. It wasnt in a rude way or anything. She said that she had noticed how closed off ive been for a while, and that shes pretty worried about me. That if there's anything she could help me with, she would. She said that she cant help if she doesnt know how to, and asked if i could respond. Then a hug sticker....

..........

......

Last year, I would've been so happy to get that message. I knew then that my sister cared about me, and that she would listen if I opened up to her...but it never felt right, it was always like i would be needlessly ruining her mood. That text read to me like a direct invation to share things. It read like I would make her day better by telling her how I've felt all this time.

........but...

I dont know, somewhere there was a tipping point...past that point, i dont feel redeemable, or frankly, like a person. Her words also mirrored mother's words pretty closely, so it makes me afraid that her other words would do that as well.

I feel like any help people will try to throw on me, will just go to waste. Not even the jokey "im employing people" excuse does anything for me anymore.

I needed saving when i was in fucking 2nd grade.

.....what if i got the wrong diagnosis....what if thats why none of the therapy or other aids work....i know that its impossible to fake an autism diagnosis, i know......i also remember how i still thought i was fine, how i was actively playing down every problem i had....whenever i stepped into the doctors room, i took on this persona....the good patient.......

........i just remember the red couches in every room.....in my head, i was just entertaining the adults.. they wanted to do all this to me, and me telling them i dont feel like it helps me, or that i dont see the point in it,, it didnt convince them. So i played along, while convinced i was alright, convinced from the start that none of it was going to help.....

...i was still bottling up all my frustrations, because if you ignore it, it goes away. Talking back will only lead to more conflict. I let the adults mispresent me, not like i cared, it wasnt going to work either way. Since the adults are better at knowing whats good for me, maybe theyre better at knowing me as well huh.

......i remember feeling really guilty, sitting in the waiting room and looking around. Seeing these other kids who had real problems. I felt like a faker. I wasnt supposed to be there.....

.....thats kind of how i feel about life..like im a faker, and that im not supposed to be here....

Last sunday, i was just asking the whole time in my head "why?", "was this your plan?", "did i do something wrong?", "is this what you had always planned, or did i make a choice that altered it?"......

..........

.......i wrote the tags before all the shit from my sister's text onwards..this wasnt supposed to be another one of these posts, just a quick "lol i hate it here"..... i hate it everytime i insinuate that i have trauma. I mean every. single. time. Its the same with any problem that i see as "real". I'll say i have something a couple times, but then the guilt catches up and i feel like ive been lying....its catching up from my "aspergers" diagnosis.....the fact that the diagnosis is called that makes me feel even faker.....i asked about it one time, about why they used the "outdated" term, and the reasoning was that "its just an older term for autism dont worry, it means the same thing"......

...........

......my fuel has kinda run out by now.....my tears have dried completely.....i dont know how else to end this....sorry for posting this. I know its shitty of me to say that and post it anyways, i dont know why i do this........

[mayadino]

hi hello maya from the future. what would u like to know. how am i doing. it THE period of my life maybe u will remember it . i am so depressed that i cant even describe it at the same time my pshysical strenght is also in bad condition. im trying hard but im exhausted i feel like im going to pass to die soon but i have to keep going i have to go to school study talk worry about my health going to the psychologist but i dont know if she can help me but money flyyy away every week . i do not agree with life instituties and society but i have to to fit in whats wrong with everything. i have friends now after a years and i more sociable in school but in home i feel empty i feel depressed and like i cannot live anymore. what should i do . only i feel like this i dont think so but no one does anything theyre all lying about mental health that they have ways to deal with it but after a endless time they only pretend to be helping so what should i do. im trying yeah i have a logical thinking i want to have a beautiful life but what about everything i cant do anything idk idk maya what did you do in the future tell me

[oriigirii]

The Brothers reacting to an MC who likes to collect... rocks?

It was certainly a strange hobby to behold, but there were more than meets the eye within these rocks! If you crack them open they often hold such a wonderful design, and on the rare occasion they can probably even hide a geode or two, regardless, you were very passionate for these things and it just so happens that it catches some of the brother’s attention.

(A/N: Ill be doing 2 at the time for now UwU  

Warnings: none! 

Reader: Gender Neutral!)

~ 눈_눈 Lucifer ~

* Lucifer always kept an eye on you ever since you got to Devildom

* Cuz of this, he was probably the first to notice your... strange addiction

* He saw how you always seem to stop on your tracks to pick up a shiny smooth stone lying on the side of the gates infront of the HoL while he walked home with you.

* Or how you’d snatch a few from the gardens on an early Sunday morning when you think that everyone was still asleep

* Since it was harmless enough, he never really bothered to call you out on it 

* Lowkey does find it cute how something so small can already make you so happy, such an easy-to-please cutie you are

* It wasn’t a problem till he was told that you seem to be arriving late more often for your classes 

* At first he thought that maybe you were simply caught up in some mess from his brothers again 

* Maybe perhaps Belphie snuck you off to sleep again than go to class 

* But no, when he’d confronted you he was pretty surprised, and at the same time, confused at your answer.

* “There were these cool looking red geodes I accidentally found on the back, b-but I mustve dropped them at some point when Mammon and I were rushing to class...so I’ve been trying to look for more of them for my collection... Sorry...”

*To be fair you did look pretty apologetic for it and really didnt mean to botch up your schedule, but still.

* He lets you go pretty easily, with a small lecture, but thats about it. 

* Although you never did stop looking for that geode, you even pulled Beel to help with promise of a homemade cake to try and cover as much ground, but nothing.

* You came home that day a little defeated

* but much to your surprise when you reached your room, a small box was waiting outside your door and inside was none other than the beautiful red geode youve been so desperate to look for. And... well, you didnt have to guess who was kind enough to give it to you.

* The next day, you do go over to thank him properly for the help, and explain that you had been extremely captivated with that specfic geode because of how it reminds you of the first born’s eyes.

* This boi is highkey stunned but tryna make it lowkey though (pride 100)

 * Definitely amused and flattered. 

* From now on, he does continue to give you geodes to add to your collection, and would even accompany you on your little endeavors if his work load isnt too unbearing. Away from the eyes of his brothers of course.

* Hed definitely want to seek the perfect geode too that reminds him of you in return that he can decorate on his desk while hes working. Even better, maybe have the geodes crafted to a perfect ring that you two can wear.

-------------

~ ᕙ(`▽´)ᕗ Mammon ~

* Not like youre complaining either

* Today was another weekend, and weekends mean you guys get to hang out!  

* Not like you two were ever seperated in the first place anyways, he’s like an octopus that just wont let go 

* Anyways, He casually enters your room, phone in hand as he scrolls through various articles featuring his modelling work, he was gonna show off as usual, afterall, this man LIVES for your praise.

* “Oi! (Y/N) Check this out! They ranked me number 1 on the most handsome model in Devildom! And I didn’t cheat the system this ti---”

* You had been busy in your cabinet when he walked in, so you didnt have time to warn him of your mess on your bed.

* Hence why, when he was starting to brag about his latest achievement, it was immediately cut off by a pained yelp.

* Mammon, too busy on his DDD, didnt notice the shiny geodes and stones you had left on your bed to arrange for your new dsplay case, and because of this, (his dumbass) plopped on the bed, landing right on the sharp edges of the beautiful rocks.

* It wasnt fun.

* You had rushed to help him as he started stroking his back from the sting, he was a demon so he was pretty sturdy, but cmon, landing on a buncha hard rocks was still not good.

* You did rush to go get him an ice pack for his poor back, and when you came back, he seemed to have been healed almost immediately as he stares at your collection with a big shine on his own eyes, they can rival the geodes at this point.

* “(Y/N)! Why didn’t you tell me you had these? Don’t yknow how much these would sell? Hell, I can even probably sell them for an even higher price!”

* The rolling of your eyes was very intense that Diavolo could feel it from his castle and you pushed that ice pack on his face to make him stop.

* You did make it very clear that if he ever decides to try and get any of these stones, you were gonna be snitching him to Beel for eating his pudding the other day (You wouldn’t though would you?)

* Still that does shut down his money making plans, but he does question you for it, why hoard these valuable items when you could make thousands of grimm for it? You even seem to have a talent for finding these too, it seems like a huge waste, and so you proceed to explain to him your love for these shiny geodes.

* First image in his head was you being a relative to a crow, or you being a crow in general, because if anything, thats what his little crows do, they pass him shiny stuff they find along the day, of course theyre not as extravagant as these geodes, but it doesnt negate the fact you definitely have crow energy, and hes so down for it. His love for you just grew tenfold.

* But who knew it can grow further? Because you eventually explain to him that the geodes you collected, or the simple stones you had, all were special because all of them hold a special memory. One of the smoother stones you had was the same stone you used to display your mom’s favorite rose garden, it even had your initials that you scrapped on when your were 5, another was a geode you found on your field trip at the human world and so on.

* Mammon definitely had his attention to you the entire time, this boy is smitten and he just loves hearing you talk about each one, he grows a small appreciation for them now and he can understand why you wouldn’t want to sell them away. But then he noticed you reach for a much cleaner, tear drop looking geode, it was a blue-yellow mix.

* You explain to him that this was your first geode found when you went here in Devildom, the first you also carved as it was more jagged than this when you found it, and of course, you chose to keep it cause it reminded you for your first man.

* Mammon was so moved,and he was just sitting there, red as a strawberry and mouth open like a fish out of water, but hes not the only one because you too were blushing like an idiot as you held the special rock.

* He does end up trying to act his typical ways, but he was nothing but a stuttering mess, and much to his embarassment, he was also tearing up.

* Please hug him, he needs it, he just cant help but feel so flattered that you dedicated a geode for him and he felt that pride and love swell to incredible levels, you definitely have him yearning for you even more.

* Next time you go out to seek more geodes here in Devildom, he might just come with you along with his army of crows, and even cuter, his crows would just hand you special rocks every now and then.

* This boy might just start his own collection now thanks to you, but most his geodes will just be dedicated to you

----------

A h h h hope you guys like it! I know its a weird premise, but I honestly do love gemstones and stuff lol, also yes i did indulge too much on Mammon, hush,but yeah, ill do more of the others soon!

(Art by me!)

[furiosity-wills-the-cat]

Chara, the fourth Blook cousin:

A crack theory that accidentally become way more serious than it should have because it somehow, despite my best efforts, ended up making sense

Brought to you by my idiot conspiracy brain (affectionate) and by encouragement from my Tumblr followers

Under the cut for the sake of your dashes and sanity

Ok here we go my very elaborate accidental theory, because in order to answer the complex questions simply you must first make simple things more complex or something

First, you need to know that Chara became a Blook cousin by adoption.

All of the Blooks are adopted.

Ghosts are not born into families, they make their own.

Got it? Great, because we’re about to start running

so first, im gonna make surprisingly uncommon claim in this fandom, and I am going to say that undertale ghosts are all dead

I’m taking the tiny details we know about ghosts and sprinting with them to new places

Ghosts also do not have souls I decided

Undertale souls do not work the same as souls in traditional mythology

So every ghost is soulless Unless and Until they become corporeal

Evidence: Monster souls cant exist without bodies, and ghosts are monsters, therefore ghosts cannot have souls without bodies

Further evidence: Asriel doesnt steal blooky’s soul, blooky is unkillable, we have no concrete evidence that blooky has a soul

What about mettaton? He only has a soul after he has completely committed to being corporeal and to a specific body.

Also maddy and mettaton are both only killable while corporeal

Im also connecting the dots we have about souls in a new creative way so let me live for a second

Additionally, i am going to claim that there are a lot more ghosts than just the blooks, some evidence given below

Theres like actual scientific knowlege of ghosts in the undertale verse which seems unlikely if theres literally only three or four

The underground is so much bigger than you think, theres that giant forest in snowdin, a large town in the ruins, the huge city of new home, who knows how much space in the large open areas of waterfall etc. Its really really big okay

Also based off evidence of blooky, we can conclude that ghosts can turn invisible whenever they want to and/or haunt objects to hide

So I personally think that ghosts are, generally speaking, extremely reclusive

And the blooks are just a special exception, a beautiful family, amazing for them

So anyway im going with typical ghost lore for now, for the sake of ease, so im gonna say ghosts generally come from monsters who are particularly restless or unsatisfied when they die

HOWEVER i dont think they remember being monsters or anything before being a ghost. They just kinda fizzle into existance with a fully formed personality and immortality while being unkillable and feeling vaguely uneasy

ALSO i personally think that chara was a ghost for a long time before they became a blook by adoption

Based on game lore, i think ghosts can possess any inanimate object and just kinda wear it? But it takes a lot of strong emotion to become corporeal

And chara is the super weird exception because they were a human not a monster.

They dont have a soul (i headcanon that their soul got destroyed when asriel died)

And they KNOW this, which is a huge part of why they kinda just... give up

Because they lost their ability to fulfill prophecy

Also, without a soul, they lost their ability to reset, so for the first time since falling underground, theyre subject to the relentless march of time

But theyre still weirdly strong and powerful and more emotional

ALSO they DO still remember being a human but they catch on pretty quickly that other ghosts dont have memories and because chara is stupid they just lie to fit in

Theyre too tired to explain themself, they just want to be alone and feel awful

Now back to ghost lore

Emotions are a lot harder for ghosts??? I decided

And they dont know why,, they tend to blame it on the soul thing

But realistically its actually more of the immortality thing making actions not have consequences and/or or not having a body so they cant have a sense of touch or have physical effects of emotion

They all know that ghosts just tend to be way more floaty and bored and numb

And thats part of why the blooks are so special

Maddy’s rage and Mettaton’s yearning and Napstablook’s misery are like... not great all of the time...

but theyre also way way more emotion than most ghosts have,,, they are just a family supporting each other, being as functional as they can,, just an emo(tional) ghost family

most ghosts barely do anything except like stare at walls but the blooks have their snail farm and that helps them have purpose and it is good

And they hold each other accountable and it is nice

So anyway chara just chills and is in a depression coma for a few decades before the blooks find them and are like “our child/baby cousin”

and they raise them for a cool minute

They are all very protective of the new baby emo blook

And chara doesnt get therapy but at the very least they once again have a family, and they decide they want to try to become corporeal eventually just like mtt and maddy

So anyway chara starts hanging out in the ruins a lot more and they finally tell the blooks theyre leaving to go become corporeal in the ruins

This is actually because they are trying to hang out with toriel

because they miss their mom ;;

but chara’s not gonna admit that to anyone, especially not to themself

And because theyre still repressing their emotions constantly and pretending to be fine, they cant become corporeal

And they hang out in the ruins for a long time because they feel guilty lying to everyone about everything

They still feel like its their fault that all the monsters are stuck underground, because they were SUPPOSED to save everyone and they COULDNT and it HURTS

But again, they are doing too much repression to use this guilt to become corporeal,

so instead they just kinda hide and watch toriel from a distance and cry

Blooky visits them the most, thats why blooky is chilling in the ruins so much at the start of the game

Theyre just there to visit their shy baby cousin ;;

Ofc they wont tell frisk about this because chara wants space and privacy and blooky respects that

but maddy and mtt also visit them a lot

Oh also when mtt and maddy start dissapearing, blookys mental health plummets as their family and support system starts to dissolve

Blooky was actually doing extremely well (for a ghost) for a long time, i headcanon,

but theyre doing the worst theyve been in a long long time during the game, because of family issues

So anyway, chara dissapears when frisk shows up, and maddy assumes this is becaude frisk hurt their fragile feelings

Maddy spends hours desperately searching the ruins for chara and cant find them and assumes that they had their heart crushed and went to hide and disappear in a depression coma for another few decades, and thats part of why maddy is so furious with frisk

Like,, to be clear, maddy is still jumping to conclusions and throwing blame around with no proof, but also, its a logical conclusion to come to

And mettaton has already disappeared too and been gone for a while, too, by this point, so it hurts even worse

But anyway, what actually happened to chara is that;

Because chara is a human ghost, not a monster ghost, normal ghost rules dont apply to them

And they can possess living things too they find out

Maybe they knew it a long time ago, maybe its a new discovery, but for whatever reason they end up possessing frisk and theyre like “what the heck”

And frisk still has most of the control

But now chara is like,,, “this is my chance, im a human again, gotta save the world for real,,,”

and they cant explain this to anyone without revealing their past

so they just chill in frisk’s mind while being super crypic and trying to figure out how it works

Pacifist route, this is pretty much exactly what happens

They manage to help frisk save the day

And in my headcanon, the no mercy route is started by frisk who is scared when faced by monsters attacking them

And then chara, who was aready hiding in a semidepression coma for a while, immediately transitions to a panicked “gotta protect this body, gotta protect my chance to be human, i died and threw away my chance to save everyone the first time, i CANNOT lose this chance again”

And so the combination of both frisk and chara is the genocide run

Because frisk kills in self defense, and whenever frisk hesitates, chara jumps in

Also theres leftover feelings from the whole asriel incident

Because again, ghosts come from monsters who died unsatisfied

And chara’s main source of unsatisfaction is how they were trying to get asriel to kill people before he died and then he didnt

So thats a strong strong feeling ruling them

So anyway by the time they both realize how bad its become they figure its too late and also the amount of LOVE has made them numb

And thats when chara who, despite everything, still has idiot hero complex and thinks they need to save the world

So, while panicking, they step in at the very end, and erase the timeline and delete everything

And also to clarify

They DONT HAVE this power at any other point in the game

Because, guess why

They become corporeal

Just like maddy, the no mercy route is the only thing that gives them strong enough emotion to spontaneously become corporeal

So they become corporeal and as soon as they have a soul again and can reset again, they just erase everything

Ok back to fluff

Post pacifist route, they are still a non corporeal ghost

They can still float around and look just like the other blooks

And it takes them a while to open up about things, but they do end up moving back in with blooky so that blooky isnt completely alone

And also they do way better with a family

Also they can float through the mountain and talk to flowey down below and bring him news

And now that they know about him, they can bond with him and explain that they dont have a soul either but that doesnt mean theyre worthless

Oh ALSO

The other dead humans dont have ghosts

BECAUSE

ghosts only come from restless dead MONSTERS

and chara is the weird special exception

Because they were a monster when they died

They became a ghost and asriel didnt because they were way more restless and stressed than asriel was when both of them died

Like sure, asriel felt awful, but chara was the one who was way more like “this is my fault, i CANT die now, the world NEEDS me”

So anyway

charablook the emo tween ghost and asriel flowey the eldrich goat daisy are siblings once more and they hang out and eventually they are okay and have a family again

Thank you for reading, this has been my thoughts on a crack theory that accidentally went too far

This isnt even everything, maybe i’ll make a part two eventually, but i promised to have this post out like two days ago, so i wanted to post SOMTHING

Anyway leave your thoughts if youd like

Im not looking for people to disprove it, i already know its crazy, i dont think it was intentional by the game writers, but i do think its a fun concept

thats the fun of it, so if anyone wants to run with it im all for it lol

Thanks again! Have a nice day!

[xenia-cenia]

hiiii 💕 may i request domestic hcs with chuuya and dazai with a clingy s/o? thank you 💞💞💞

A/N-i like doing these theyre cute :)

sorry for taking forever! some irl things came up

-writing for chuuya is hard bc all the gifs of him are so cool

-so im using dog chuuya for this one

-moving on

-chuuya does not put any thought before asking you to move in with him

-you mentioned it once in passing and he responded with 'yeah, why the hell not?'

-as stated before his house is filled with dog pictures

-he LOVES cooking

-do not get in his way while he cooks

-itll just be a mess for everyone involved

-if you want a cutesy-fun couple activity hes much more fond of walks in the park

-in fact he likes to go on at least one long walk every week

-and hes always delighted when you tag along

-if you get tired and cant finish the walk dont worry he'll just use his ability and carry you back home

-also enjoys going shopping with you

-he knows the ins and outs of every current fashion trend and will happily help you pick clothes out

-be warned though he likes to only buy the most expensive stuff

-he personally has no plans to get married

-deep inside the fear that hes not 'human' enough lingers

-however if one day years into your relationship you were on a night walk and turned to look at him

-the wind softly rustling your clothes and the streetlamps reflecting in your eyes

-(oh your eyes. he always feels painfully human when he looks into those eyes of yours)

-he'll take a deep breath

-and give into his impulses once again

-"lets get married."

-he says it so casually you barely notice

-but when he says it again it sticks in your head

-you laughed

-(why was his heart beating so fast? did your laugh always do this to him?)

-and kissed his cheek

-"id love to, chuuya."

-his knees shook as you spoke those words

-he smiled and didnt notice his ability start until the two of you were above the trees and you gripped onto his shirt

-"chuu!" you had exclaimed

-but nothing was phazing him

-it was the happiest he had ever been in his life

-well

-the second happiest

-as your hands folded into his

-and the expensive suit he was wearing felt 1 million degrees

-he was shaking

-had he ever shaken this hard before?

-and you noticed his fear

-(you always could read him better than he could read himself)

-and all at once the world melted away

-there was only pure bliss

-"to the person who makes me feel truly human" he had added to his vows "i promise to protect you for the rest of our lives"

-"to the person who hangs dog pictures on our ceiling," (he had laughed nervously. he didnt know you saw those) "i promise to protect and care for you the rest of our lives"

-thats when chuuya cried

-he kissed you as hard as he could

-tears burning his eyes as he pulled away for air

-"i love you." chuuya whispered and he knew that this

-this would be the happiest moment of his life

-he LOVES clingy people

-once you move in with him (or him with you. He doesn’t mind either way) he finds himself falling much further in love then he thought possible

-want cuddles?

-god yes

-reading together with his head on your lap?

-please play with his hair

-he’s also a terrible cook

-terrible awful cook

-if you enjoy cooking you’ll need to forcibly keep him out of the kitchen to stop him from ruining your meal

-if you just want to have fun and make a mess?

-he’s your guy

-“belladonna! Look! The eggs stick to the ceiling!”

“Osamu no”

-like Chuuya he enjoys talking walks

-his walks are  much less peaceful however

-he likes to talk about whatever’s on his mind as he walks

-though frankly he enjoys listening to you blabber much more

-insists on movie date nights

-he picks the movie one week and you pick the movie the next week and so on and so forth

-his movies are typically tragic love stories

-you asked him why one day and all he did was smile and shake his head

-“there are some secrets I’d rather keep, Belladonna.”

-eventually you wrote it off as another mystery about Dazai Osamu

-it takes a long time before he lets you change his bandages

-the entire time hes smiling sadly and refusing to make eye contact

-(your fingers are so smooth compared to his. he’ll never forget the feeling of your fingers tracing the new bandages, making sure they fit right)

-now unlike Chuuya he has put a lot of thought into marriage

-he’s fantasized about it for years but always wrote it off as a pipe dream

-though his dream marriage isn’t really anything official

-he thinks ‘love’ is something that you can’t put on display or into a certificate

-when the two of you get serious he’s very clear about this dream of his

-to his surpise (and joy!) you smiled and kissed his cheek telling him you’re okay with that

-if you want a big wedding dazai will compromise for two weddings

-one thats incredibly low effort, just the two of you drinking wine and getting lost

-and the other thats everything youve ever dreamed of

-in fact during his vows for the ‘second’ wedding he’ll grab your hands and look out towards the audience

-”they told me if you love them so much, i should just marry them. so i did! twice.”

-about half a year after the wedding the two of you were lying in bed

-you were half-asleep and dazai smiled softly

-”belladonna, did i ever answer your question?”

-”wha?”

-”i watched them so often because i wanted to remind myself that we’d have a happy ending.”

-you looked at him through sleepy eyes, confusion lacing your expression as he kissed your forehead

-”osamu...”

-”sleep, belladonna. i’ll remind you in the morning.”

-and as you quickly drifted off to sleep he finally felt the stress in his shoulders dissolve

-”a happy ending...” he muttered to himself

-(though, he feels any ending that includes you loving him was the happiest ending he could get)

-he went further into the sheets and let his eyes close

-maybe... maybe he’ll get the story he never thought he deserved

[literaila]

we used to

“the middle” 

spencer reid x reader 

summary: spencer cant remember the reader. she wont let him forget her. 

this is actually part two! part one here 

warnings: mentions of blood, mentions of pain, memories? angst. theres slashes though words (for example) but theyre meant to represent numbness

also! i wrote some of this while some teenage kids were watching me sit against a tree. i just thought that was important to add. enjoy! 

“Where did we meet?” 

“A little park. I was laying down enjoying the sunshine, and you came over, worried, and started checking my pulse. You said you wanted to make sure I wasn't dead.” 

She laughed. 

But she didn't tell him about the way his eyes had gotten bigger when she looked up at him. She didn't tell him how he swallowed, his face suddenly nervous. He didn't tell her how she had started laughing at him, and he blushed embarrassed. 

“After that, I asked if I could play chess with you. You let me win.”

She didn't tell him about the years she’d spent teasing him for that. She didn't tell him about the number she’d managed to slip into his bag when he’d been distracted. The number he didn't use for weeks. She didn't tell him how rejected she felt every day that went by, didn't tell him that she went to the same park almost every day just to see him. She didn't tell him about the disappointment that coursed through her veins every time she checked her phone. 

“Where was our first date?” 

“You took me to the museum. You were really nervous. I was almost worried you would run out of things to tell me.” 

She didn't tell him that it was one of the first things she’d noticed about him. That she’d loved that he had so much to say from the very beginning. 

They’d spent three days together. 

Spencer had to stay two weeks after he’d woken up. The first week was spent testing his memory, making sure everything was still in order. He spent day after day, meeting doctors, in machines. People were visiting him right and left, but he was almost always gone. 

She didn't see him much that week. 

The next week his doctors were sure that everything was fine. Besides the amnesia, there were no other effects on his brain. His broken leg was healing nicely, and he would be fine in a couple of weeks. 

But, they said, they wanted to keep him there just one more week, to make sure that they hadn't missed anything. 

So he stayed. 

And Y/N started going to see him that week. 

She’d been hesitant, worried that he wouldn't actually want to see her, that he had changed his mind, but as soon as she knocked on the door he seemed to be bright and awake. She took that as a good sign. 

Since then, three days have passed. They’d spent the majority of those days together. Spencer was full of questions, full of things that he couldn't remember he’d already told her, his brain never seemed to stop turning, to stop thinking. 

She was used to it. 

Most of the time, she was doing all of the talking. She was telling him about their relationship, about herself, she was telling him about all the things he’d learned about her in the course of five years, she was cramming it all into short sentences, giving up on giving any important details. 

It was exhausting. 

Sometimes, she started to say something, was about to mention something that they'd done together, but she always paused mid-sentence, reminded of the life Spencer had lost, of all of their days together that were lost. 

And other times, Spencer was telling her something, was talking so that she didn't have to, and he mentioned something that she already knew. He mentioned things about his childhood, about the way Derek teased him, the way Penelope was good at making him feel flustered, and she always felt herself wince. Because she already knew all of those things. She knew more things about him than he did, she knew almost everything. And he didn't. 

It was like two strangers talking. 

Except the only stranger in the room was her. 

She wasn't acting like herself. 

She was trying to avoid scaring Spencer, rushing into things, scaring him away from her forever. 

So she didn't act like herself. 

She hid the little details, the tiniest things that she didn't want him to know, she kept them locked away, didn't add them into the stories that he was always asking for. She did it constantly. And to some extent, it felt like lying, it felt like taking something important away from him. But, she also knew how easily overwhelmed her Spencer could get, she knew about all of the things that would scare him. So she didn't feel as bad hiding things from him. 

Derek and Penelope came almost every day. Some days the best they could manage was a call. Cases were taking over, the world not stopping for Spencer, and a couple of times they couldn't get to Spencer quick enough. 

So they called. And every time, Spencer seemed almost uncomfortable. He always asked if Y/N wanted to talk to them, always hesitant, because he didn't know how close all of them were, he didn't know if Y/N would feel pressured by his friends if she even liked them. 

All Spencer knew was there was a pretty girl, a girl he’d once known, sitting in his room. 

Today was like all the other days, Spencer asking questions, this time about their history together. 

Y/N had been looking out the window, daydreaming of a time where she didn't feel like a stranger to her own body. 

Spencer cleared his throat trying to get her attention. 

She looked over to him, her eyes wide and empty, she made a noise of acknowledgment, a sign that he could go on. She watched as he gathered his thoughts, already familiar with the look in his eyes.

 “What did I like about you?”

She paused. Looked away from him. What did he like about her? 

They’d talked about it many times. He’d told her thousands of times how much he loved her. She’d heard it over and over again, felt it pounding in her heart, racing around her head, every day for five years.

It didn’t seem long enough.

She thought about the things he used to compliment. 

“Your eyes. They’re so beautiful. They look like they hold all the secrets of the world.” 

She remembered him running his hands through her hair, moving it so he could see more of her face. She remembered his eyes. She remembered how comfortable they felt. 

“I hope you’ll tell me one day.” he’d said, after minutes of just looking at each other. 

“Tell you what?” she whispered, ducking her head down into his chest. 

He hadn’t answered. They both fell asleep. 

She thought of the time he told her she would look beautiful in anything. 

“It doesn’t matter to me what you wear. You’re perfect to me, always.” 

After that, he never stopped telling her that. 

“You’re perfect to me.”

“You’re perfect for me.”

“You’re perfect with me.”

“Always.”

For a moment, she wished she could hear it again. 

She removed that thought from her head almost as soon as it entered. She forced it away, locking it into her cage, somewhere deep in her body, where it wouldn’t be found again. 

She shouldn’t be thinking about things like that. 

“I think you liked that I was so open to learning new things. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t listen to you say.” 

Spencer contemplated that. He thought of all the people that asked him to stop talking, told him that it was too much, too far. 

She was probably right. 

But that seemed like a silly reason for him to love her. 

He finally nodded, accepting her answer. 

And then the nurse came in. 

And she had to leave 

 ***

Later that week, it was time for Spencer to go home.

It was time for both of them to go home since Y/N had refused to leave without him, even when he’d woken up. 

She was nervous.

She didn’t want him to know she was nervous.

They’d been living together for almost two years, together they had picked out an apartment, one that both of them had loved. They’d spent every day they had together, when they were both home, in their tiny apartment. She didn’t know what Spencer now would think about it. He’d lost all memories of it, lost all of their shared moments at home together, and when he’d asked about his apartment, the one he’d had five years ago, Y/N didn’t know what to say. 

He’d given up that apartment for her. 

He didn’t have any place to live beside their apartment. 

She smiled at him when he asked and told him about apartment searching, about how he was sure to get the safest apartment they could find. 

“We need it Y/N.” he’d whined when she refused to get the one apartment he deemed safest- because it came with a double lock and no balcony -she’d only smiled at him, kissing his nose and walking away. 

Eventually, she’d caved in. Spencer didn’t seem to like any other apartments after that one. 

After she was done sharing the story, done trying to remind him who he was supposed to be, he smiled nervously at her. 

She knew he was uncomfortable. She knew that he didn’t want to live in a brand new place, with a strange girl who he was supposed to be in love with. 

In his mind, they’d only known each other for two days, in his mind, she wasn’t anything special. In his mind, it was weird to live with someone you’d only just met.

Y/N didn’t know how to make him feel more comfortable. 

She tried to remind herself that it would take time, that it had taken time when they’d first moved in, that it would take time again. 

She didn’t want time. 

She wanted Spencer. 

She ignored that. Instead, she spent her time making sure she had all the proper medical equipment at their apartment. She spent the moments she wasn’t with Spencer online, looking for different things that could make a broken leg, a forgotten five years, easier. 

She also looked for things to prevent the pain she felt every time she moved. She didn’t want to breathe out smoke every time she tried to speak, tried to breathe. 

So far she hadn’t found anything. Her doctor recommended pain medication, told her about all the drugs that could help her. 

She refused to listen. 

She didn’t even know why. 

And now it had been more than a month since the accident, and they were finally going home. 

Together. 

She helped Spencer sign all his release papers, reminding him where he lived, what his phone number was, who they could call in case of emergency. 

She helped him and then it was time to go. It was time to go. 

They walked side by side out of the hospital, Spencer enjoyed the air outside, enjoyed something that didn’t feel like the stale walls of the hospital he’d been locked up in. Y/N looked back at the hospital. Almost longingly. Almost as if she wanted to go back. She wouldn’t feel as nervous as she did if they were still in the hospital. 

She brought him to her car. Helped him get in. They both smiled at each other awkwardly. 

The ride home was silent. Neither of them spoke a word. Spencer spent the time looking out the window, observing the drive he couldn’t remember, watching the world pass him by. Y/N avoided looking at him. She avoided looking at anything. She drove and she tried to remind herself that everything was fine. They were both going to be fine. 

By the time they got there, to the tiny apartment, both of them had only managed to rack up more nerves. 

“This is it.” Y/N said, getting out of the car, trying to keep her face calm, her body comfortable, to go help Spencer get out of the car. 

She showed him the way to the elevator. Listed out all of their neighbors that lived on the first floor. 

“This is Mrs. Hankel’s apartment. She loves you. She hates me.” she said as she passed by a door. 

It was the first laugh they shared all day. 

As they walked Spencer looked back at the door longingly. 

When they finally arrived at the door Spencer looked down at the welcome mat, laughing a little.

The mat, brown and boring, with a barely notice scrip at the bottom reading 

“shoes off, fuckers” 

Spencer looked back up at Y/N to see her laughing with him. They were getting closer, the invisible wall keeping them apart seemed to disappear for a moment. 

“Why do we-?” he asked, chuckling as he watched her smile. 

He could see the way she lit up, the life that had joined her eyes, he could see the immediate difference in her body just by looking at the mat. 

“You kept pestering me about a welcome mat,” she laughed, shaking her head and looking up at Spencer. “But Y/N '' she imitated him, “Studies have shown that most toxic chemicals that end up inside a person's home are tracked in by their shoes. A doormat would stop that-'' she giggled, her words fading. “You just wouldn’t give it up. Eventually, we had to compromise.” she ended, pointing her hand at the mat and smiling at him. 

It was her first real smile. 

Spencer felt dazed. 

But, almost as quick as it was there, it disappeared, fading off her face, her eyes becoming stone again. 

The wall was back up. 

She reminded herself not to overwhelm him, not to do anything that would be too much. She never wanted to be too much for him. He needed help, not her emotions. 

She was still reminding herself of that as they walked in the doors. 

Spencer looked around and he saw some things that he didn't really understand, like the art hanging up on the wall, the candles that seemed to rest on every empty space, the delicate paintings on the walls. But as he looked around he saw things that he did understand. He saw the textbooks, the bookshelves that occupied all the walls, and when Y/N told him that he was free to walk around, to look around, he saw all of his books placed on the bookshelves littering the apartment. He walked around and noticed all the tattered old copies that he had bought at second-hand bookstores, he saw the first edition books everyone always seemed to give, he looked around and he remembered all the books. He also saw new books, ones that he couldn't imagine reading without some persuasion. He saw old romance, new romance, he saw young adults and dystopian, he saw cookbooks, self-help books, and he laughed a little at the thought of reading any of them. 

Those were so obviously Y/N’s. 

“We have a lot of books.” he heard her say behind him, and he turned to see her standing watching him, observing him looking around. He wondered why he hadn't noticed her before. 

He smiled at her, hoping that she wasn't bothered by him snooping around. 

“Did I bring some of my books here?” he asked, turning back to look at all the books he remembered. 

“Yes. Not all of them, I needed a little bit of room. But most of them are yours.” she smiled, her face still tense, still frozen solid. 

She turned to go, wanting Spencer to look around without her hovering over him. 

She walked into the kitchen to make them something for lunch, feeling the pain circle her lungs. She thought of the medication she could be taking right now, thought of the relief her body would feel, she thought about the pain, the writhing pain that lived inside her. 

The pain on her lungs was nothing. 

The pain on her lungs, on her ribs, in her chest, felt like pain medication. 

It felt like nothing compared to- 

She paused. She let her thoughts drift off, let her body become aware again, let herself turn to stone, let everything drain out of her. 

This pain was nothing. 

She was strong enough to deal with a little pain. 

She continued to make lunch, continued to not think of anything, to only think of essential things, such as where she would sleep. How she would show Spencer their bedroom, show him where he kept all stuff. 

She thought about showing him which shampoos were his, why he enjoyed them so much. He thought about showing him the clothes she’d been buying him for years, the clothes he used to tell her he felt at home in. She thought about showing him the photo album they had made together, Spencer mostly watching, as a present for their third anniversary. She thought about showing him how to lock the door, how to make sure their security system wouldn't start blaring when they left the house. 

She had so much to teach him. 

There were so many lost memories. 

And finally, when she was about to let it go, about to forget about all the things she needed to do, Spencer walked in. 

The pain she felt just looking at him- 

Breathe in. 

“Hey. See everything?” she asked, a perfect, practiced smile on her face. 

Spencer smiled back, politely. “Yeah. Did you decorate?” 

She laughed, the feeling burning her lungs. “You helped me choose the colors,” she said reassuringly as if she was worried he was going to be upset as if she knew how this stranger would react as if she knew him-

Spencer nodded, looking solemnly at the floor. 

“So I was thinking-” Y/N started, only to be interrupted by Spencer. 

‘When can I-” he started, looking up at her sheepishly. “Sorry,” he muttered smiling at her. She nodded, her face cold as ice, nodding for him to continue. “I was wondering when I could get my stuff?” he continued, softer this time. 

She paused, her hands frozen, her face still poised, but her heart racing at his words. 

“Get your stuff?” she asked softly, trying not to let her voice shake. 

“Yeah,” he responded easily. “I asked JJ and she said I could stay at her house. At least until I can get a new apartment-” 

Y/N had stopped listening. 

She wasn't listening. 

Spencer wasn't staying. 

He wasn't.

He was. 

He was leaving. 

She felt her insides freeze, ice hitting every inch of her body, keeping her stuck, stuck in her head, stuck to the floor, stuck with the pain building, building up inside her. 

She nodded, robotically. 

Spencer said something else, something about her showing him where his clothes were. 

She wasn't listening, she refused to listen, she wasn't listening. 

Her body responded though. 

She led Spencer through their living room, showed him where the bathroom was just in case, she led them into their bedroom, her eyes avoiding his, her heart avoiding beating. 

She watched as he looked around their room, examined the bed, the small desk hiding in the corner, the dresser on the opposite side of the room. She pointed to the closet. Pointed and left the room.

She wasn't listening. 

She sat down on the couch, staring ahead of her, not listening, not feeling, nothing. She sat there, sat there, and listened. She wasn't listening. She felt close to falling asleep. 

She waited for him to come back. 

Leaving. 

Come back. 

Always. 

He walked back into the room, holding a bag, holding one of their bags. He smiled at her as he zipped it up, as he locked all his clothes up, as he got ready to leave. 

“Thank you,” he said, clueless to the feeling burying itself into her chest. “Thank you for driving me here. JJ’s coming to pick me up soon.” 

Her ears perked up at that. Confused when JJ had known to come over when Spencer had gotten a hold of her. 

He must’ve seen the question in her eyes because he answered “Garcia showed me how to use my phone.” 

She nodded. Her lips pursed, her eyes cloudy, her face void of anything, void of emotion, void of color. 

Spencer looked at her and tilted his head, he thought he noticed something different, thought that if he was trying to be a good boyfriend, the boyfriend she’d had a month ago, he would’ve asked, he would’ve done something. 

Spencer didn't know her. 

He stood there, staring at her, her eyes void, not acknowledging his staring, and they both waited, just waited until there was a knock on the door. 

They both looked over. 

Spencer looked back at Y/N. He smiled, his hands awkwardly placed in front of himself. He smiled at her, and she smiled back. 

He started walking to the door, looked back to her, said 

“Thank you. I see you soon.” 

And then he was gone. 

He was gone. 

He was gone. 

Come back. Come back come back come back come back come back. 

Her head was chanting at her, telling her what to do, telling her what she shouldn't do, telling her too many things at once. Her head was chanting at her. Over and over, chanting chanting. 

She looked up at the ceiling. 

Always. 

Always. 

Always wasn't real. 

Always was a lie. 

Always. 

She looked back down, felt the pain fill her fingertips, felt the pain cloud her head, a storm forming above her. She felt it invade her heart, invade her bones, her muscles, felt the pain swimming in her veins, swimming everywhere in her body, she felt the pain the pain the pain. 

Her face was nothing, her face was empty, it was empty 

Her body wasn't. 

She sobbed. 

She sobbed for the pain, for the pain that was everywhere, for the medication she wished she’d taken, for the life that she didn't have, for the life, for her life, for her memory, for everything. She sobbed, and she sobbed. 

She fell to the floor. 

She let herself fall apart. 

She sobbed. 

Always. 

It was just a little pain.

***

They saw each other twice a week after that. 

Spencer went back to work. 

Y/N stayed home. She worked from there.

She let the loneliness cloud her brain. 

She let herself dream of the words that weren't there. 

She never told Spencer. 

***

“Where do you work?” 

“I teach second grade. Earlier this year I decided to take a year off. We were going to do some traveling and I didn't want to be gone for too long. I’m an artist at heart though.” She teased. 

Her face was stone. Her voice was warm. 

Spencer smiled. 

***

“Did you ask me to be your boyfriend?”

“It was more of a mutual thing. I was spending the night at your apartment, right after we had gotten back from one of those old movies you like, and you asked if I was your girlfriend, if I wanted to meet your family. I just agreed, told you I’d already told my Mom you were my boyfriend. You laughed.”

She smiled at him. Sipped her coffee. 

Spencer nodded along. 

***

“What's your family like?” 

“Well, my parents love you. So does my sister. My brother likes to pretend you don't exist. You used to be okay with that. I’m in the middle. But I’m the favorite.” 

She bragged. 

She sat there. She watched him. 

He looked off behind her. 

***

“Did we have a favorite place?” 

“We used to spend a lot of time at the park. We loved the park. You always beat me at chess, cause I told you to stop letting me win. You didn't like that very much. But mostly we just sat and talked at the park. You always liked going there after a hard case.” 

Spencer didn't say a word. 

The park. 

***

“When did you meet the team?” 

“A year after. You didn't want to rush anything. You wanted your secrets. But I loved them before I knew them. You’d praised them so much I don't know how I couldn't have liked them. Penelope and I clicked. She became my best friend. We bonded over always staying home. You loved that we were so close. Sometimes you forced me out of the house to spend time with her.” 

Nothing. 

***

“When did I first tell you I loved you?” 

She paused. 

She didn't want to answer that question. 

She didn't want the reminder, the constant, consistent reminder of how much Spencer used to love her. He used to love her. 

He used to. 

“It was four months into our relationship. You blurted it out while I was sitting on your lap, watching you read. We were close then. You apologized after. I never had a doubt, I said it right back. ‘I love you.’” 

And she said it so he knew. She said it so she could rebuild the memory. 

She said it to help him remember. 

She said it because it was easy. 

She loved him. 

He used to. 

***

It was Wednesday. 

It was a Wednesday, almost a month since they’d gotten home. 

Since she’d been home. 

Since Spencer had moved out. 

It had been almost a month. 

They’d been getting to know each other for almost a month now. 

Spencer was coming over. 

It was the first time Spencer had asked to come over. Since he’d first gotten his stuff, the first day he left the hospital, since then he had moved out completely, had taken most of his stuff, the things he wanted. He’d been inviting Y/N to coffee, they spent at least one day a week together if he was home. 

She was talking to Penelope more. Checking up on him through her instead of directly asking him. She didn't want to be too overwhelming. 

It had been a month of being with him from afar. 

She was doing fine. 

Her wounds had completely healed. She’d gotten a good report from her doctor, and she was doing fine. 

She was doing fine. 

Spencer was coming over. 

He was coming over for the first real-time. And this time he had asked if he could come over, said he wanted to talk to her. 

She let her heart bubble for a moment. Let herself imagine Spencer living in her house again. 

She stopped herself before it got too far. 

She would do nothing to ruin the progress they had made. 

She waited at home, she waited and got herself ready. She prepared herself for talking to him, for not saying too much, for saying just the right amount. She prepared herself to see him again. To be in love with him while he watched. 

She waited for him. 

She turned herself to stone when he knocked on the door. 

She opened it, smiling at him and letting him in. 

He walked in, his body was tense, his eyebrows were furrowed, and his eyes were scrunched in concentration. Y/N tried not to stare at him, to stare at the familiarity in the face. He looked like her Spencer for a moment. 

She kept the smile on her face. 

“Did you need to talk about something?” she asked, she asked and she got him a bottle of water, needing to preoccupy her hands with something, with anything, just to keep the smile on her face. 

She didn't want him to see through the cracks in her foundation. 

She needed to be perfect for him. 

For him. 

You’re perfect to me. 

Always. 

She waited for him to speak. 

“I think… I think I’ve been doing something wrong,” he said after a moment, looking down at the floor, guilty like he had just made a huge confession. 

“Something wrong?” she asked, her face almost moving, almost breaking. 

Not quite. 

Spencer looked up at her. Looked into her eyes. Really looked. He looked for a girl, a girl he might’ve known, a girl that he would remember. He looked, he looked, and he couldn't see anything. She was still just the girl he had first seen, still just a person, someone he didn't know. He looked once more. 

Nothing. 

“I think I was wrong.” 

She looked back at him, looked into her eyes, the eyes that she actually knew. 

They looked so sad. 

“W-wrong?” She stuttered out, her eyes moving in concern, breaking. Spencer was never wrong. 

“Do you know who I am?” Spencer asked. His face was unmoving like he already knew the answer. 

“You’re Spencer. You're my-” she swallowed, climbing over the words. “You’re my friend.” 

Spencer looked at her. He shook his head, ignoring the panic in her eyes. “No. Do you know who I am?” 

“I-”

“Because I don't know who you are.” 

Y/N closed her mouth. She looked in his eyes, scared by the harsh tone, scared by the words. She looked at him and she didn't see her look. He wasn't looking at her like he loved her. He hadn't looked at her like that in mon- 

“I don't know who you are Y/N. I thought I might-” he paused, baffled at his past self. “I thought I might remember you. But I don't. To me, you are just a girl I met three months ago.” 

She stared at him. 

Just a girl just a girl just a girl- 

This pain was a memory that would never go away- 

“I don't think I’ll remember you. I think this was a mistake.” He said. Final. Unmoving. 

She felt stuck to the ground. 

Stuck in place, stuck to the pain clinging to her. 

“M-mistake?” she said, the words forced out of her mouth. Her body was shaking like she was freezing, she couldn't imagine not feeling pain, she couldn't imagine not knowing Spencer, she knew Spencer she knew him she knew him. 

“I think we were only fooling each other by hoping.”  

Hope. 

Hope wasn't a word in her vocabulary. Hope didn't exist in a world where Spencer didn't love her. Hope wasn't a thing, hope wasn't available. Hope. Didn't. Exist. 

Hope. 

What was hope? 

“I think we need to stop. I don't want to hurt you.” Spencer said. His voice wasn't familiar. His face wasn't familiar. 

Did she know him? 

“I don't think we should do this anymore.” 

Anymore. 

Not anymore. 

Always. 

Not always. 

Pain glued her eyes glued her mouth shut. 

“I’m sorry Y/N.” 

She watched him, frozen in place as he walked out the door. 

She didn't know what he was thinking. She didn't know that Spencer did care, that Spencer had seen her once, that she came in glimpses. She didn't know that Spencer could see how much he was hurting her, how much spending time with him was destroying him. 

She didn't see that he was trying to give her a clean break. 

One that would hurt less. 

She didn't know any of that. She only watched him pull her heart out of her chest, grab it, take it away from her, she watched as he threw it around. 

She watched as he crumbled it. 

He had said always. 

***

There was a cloud in his head. 

A cloud hanging over him, a cloud proving his world to be dark, to be covered in nothing but the dark clouds that surrounded him. 

There was a cloud hung over his head. 

The sun had disappeared. 

Oh. 

The clouds swirled around him. 

He got dizzy with realization. 

The sun. 

His world titled.

Oh 

***

my masterlist here

yes yes! its not over yet. but i hope you enjoyed. and understood. and i hope i didnt ruin your day with my writing.

final part here