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walterkov · 11 months

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Devin Townsend - Moonpeople @giftober 2023 | Day 29: Backpacks/handbags ☼

#spain #walterkov #musicgifs #musicedit #devin townsend #dailymusicedit #giftober2023 #dailymusicians #me too dude #me too #you would not believe how i relate to him in a lot of ways after i started to listen to him #and how i changed #and how much better i feel because of him #he's so silly #and i feel less miserable myself #i started to believe in myself #*sigh*

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daftpatience · 7 months

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one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it

#theres no peace #every little thing reminds me we are poor #seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time #im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly #the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job #and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support #and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money #because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live #its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin #time #cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for #sorry for the ranting i cant sleep #truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin #more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful #i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it #i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things #spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income #not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it

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byanyan · 4 months

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can't tell if it's just a good day or if this epiphany/shift in thinking is actually gonna last 🤔

#I have been out in public all day but I'm like. still doing good. I've had a really nice time actually.#I prioritized my comfort re: clothes & other sensory issues and like. decided to (try) to stop caring so much what anyone thinks of me?#and it's working?? wild. granted I think I was already on an upswing w the whole Depression thing but like.#idk. idk idk tmw ur like 'ok I'm probably autistic so I'm gonna just start accommodating myself'#and u suddenly start having a less miserable time lmfjajfkgsh #anyway yeah hi I'm alive I'm feeling p good & I'm?? gonna have a nice new laptop next week????#it's uh. it's been a day lmao (but like in a GOOD way for once ajfkgsg)#I'm vibin. maybe I'll be vibin enough to write once I'm home. maybe I'll just read all night again. who knows??? not me!!!!#but I do think regardless of whether I write tonight or not I'll be back into things v soon 👀#byan is rattling the bars of their kennel again & I've had more energy the last day or two sooooo 🤞#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.#personal cw

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lord-of-the-ducks · 7 months

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I feel like this is a fandom where I don’t really have to worry about this but just in case:

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease artists drawing any TMAGP!Gerry Keay please do not degothify him, just because he can smile now does not mean that the black lipstick/eyeliner just melts off his face, please I am begging on my hands and knees, a Gerry without chains and shitty box dye is like an angel without wings

#tmagp spoilers #the Magnus protocol spoilers #tmagp #the Magnus protocol #I feel like fan artists are more likely to add more tattoos/piercings any chance they get #but also as a goth myself I’ve been burned by degothification being like #a sign of someone being less miserable #ie more normal #and for me it’s the opposite #I am at my most depressed when I am not in goth mode #so pretty please let Gerry remain a weird little freak thank you #at the end of the day yall can do whatever you want but if I see normie!Gerry I will cry

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lightblueminecraftorchid · 4 months

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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over

#blue chatter #trying to work on not doing this #and just enjoying the thing in the moment #this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such #like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried #because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home #and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow #because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment #had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person #my friends themselves would have been very different people #I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again #because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary #I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future #but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted #and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them #and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.

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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months

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...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

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rithmeres · 1 year

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genuinely these panels are going to make me ugly cry

#i'm not back for real yet i think i want to stay away longer. i'm just here to put more things in the queue and answer messages #i really enjoyed trimax vol 4 idk something about it was less miserable than 1-3 #might have been the first volume that i wasn't grimacing the entire time i read it. or maybe i'm just desensitized now.#unironically this prayer is soooo beautiful to me. give us this day our daily bread. not bread for the week not bread for a year #just enough for today.#lately when i've been praying it just looks like #please for the love of god please please please please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPL #things are not looking good for the community house.. lots bureaucracy with the city. and the church that funded us is falling apart #i don't know what i'm going to do if we get shut down it's the one thing in my life that's worth anything #all those kids... where are they going to go. who is going to help them. where is the neighborhood going to get their food.#in two days it will be the anniversary of [REDACTED] and i am so so so scared #just sat in my room today and fruitlessly scrolled thru jobs im not qualified for & tried not to think about thinking about killing myself #i don't WANT to kill myself i don't want to think about it i hate thinking about killing myself i will never ever kill myself or even try #but there is a demon or perhaps a ghost or evil wizard that tells me there's an easy way everything can go away. and it's A STUPID. BITCH.#please do not reply to this post i know you all mean well but i just don't think i can handle it.#talking about it i mean. and hearing people say nice but empty things.#i just wish i had someone to sit next to me.#personal #i don't want to go to church tomorrow :( it all feels so fake and i do not ever feel fed.

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possiblytracker · 1 year

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coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

#cryingcat.png #god i hope tumblr doesnt send out a stupid notifcation to all followers that i posted i dont know what the time limit for that is but augha #here i am tho either way #vent/#i have missed people the entire time it is very hard to describe how stupid and cowardly it feels knowing i Could come back at any time #but also being utterly paralysed and afraid to do so. like surely i could just suck it up and i Tried but i am so so mentally unwell #i need to work on how fucked up my freeze/flight response to stress is really bad it ruins my life but i am still too unemployd for therapy #so my broke ass just has to deal with unpacking my own shit for 2 months/j #anyway the point is even tho i am getting better somewhat irl ive still been struggling to pluck up the courage to come back online #but i can't keep it up forever and completely shut down just bc it makes my anxiety superficially feel 'safer'#so here i am. feeling slightly less full of dread. bc i at very least owe it to everyone to let you all know im not dead or something idk #and i also owe it to myself to not be miserable on purpose forever!!#now i just have to get everything unmuted and wait for this to post see you on the other side

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ask-artsy-oncie · 12 days

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I wish I was not an unintelligent manchild.

#Vent #I wish I had interests that were properly 'adult'#I wish I didn't like being surrounded by toys and trinkets and games and comics.#I wish my room looked like how you'd expect an adult's room to look #I wish my art was refined. I wish I worked in mediums that were considered respectable to the average person.#I wish I could read. I mean like I really wish I could focus and read a book above a high school reading level. And properly disect it.#I wish I dressed properly. Plainly.#I wish I could feel comfortable surrounded by muted colors.#I wish I didn't enjoy obnoxious music.#I wish I didn't cling to things that reminded me of my childhood.#I wish I could be just like a normal adult office worker who was able to socialize properly and went to the gym #And then would go home and cook myself dinner and read and then go to sleep.#And I would still be miserable. I'd still be undesirable. But at least I'd be normal. I'd probably hate myself less. I'd be more respectabl #Why didn't I ever grow up. Why. What's wrong with me.#Why did I get a weird job. Why do I want weird things. Why am I weird.#Maybe if I was normal I could make fun of adults who have weird interests and get rid of the awful fucking pit in my stomach #Maybe I'd be marginally less miserable because at least my life is put together and at least I'm normal.#And I wouldn't have to waste time and money and energy doing weird things like going to conventions #(I was going to add to that but I rarely leave the house as is)#Instead I would just talk at the water cooler and otherwise think insightfully and deeply. Be a proper philosopher or something.#And with a better more normal job I'd have the money to be a philanthropist too #And I wouldn't bother anyone #And I DEFINITELY wouldn't be FLAPPING MY FUCKING HANDS WHEN I GET EXCITED #OR SINGING UNDER MY BREATH RANDOMLY WITHOUT REALIZING IT #OR BITING MY NAILS OR TAPPING MY FINGERS OR LISTENING TO MUSIC SO LOUD I CAN FEEL IT IN MY CHEST #I WOULDNT BE BOUNCING MY FUCKING LEG #I WOULD BE *FUCKING NORMAL*.

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mainfaggot · 8 months

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life is all about sitting in cafés with a latte and a cute outfit on

#hi everyoomfie. today I'm feeling less sad than usual. casual melancholy? maybe a bit #but deep sadness and even deeper melancholia? no... and that's okay because im more than my misery #isn't it so weird! I've spent a small period of my life clinically depressed and suddenly it feels like my identity #i dont enjoy it. i dont like it. im not fond. it's not romantic. it's miserable. but at age 16-17 when all my friends were transforming and #figuring themselves out .. i got sick #and now being sick feels like all i can be. but thats just not true!!!!!! so im trying to let myself float along #sometimes im miserable and sometimes im neutral and sometimes im even pretty good over the smallest thing (a song or a compliment or a well #made cup of coffee or a grin from the girl i like)#and yeah. whatever i dont know i contain multitudes and i dont have to be miserable forever. maybe I'll #recover from depression and maybe i won't #maybe i will and then relapse #but it's not who i am #z.post

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sepulchrorum · 8 months

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I just think it’s stupid that I can take my antidepressants every day for years and years and will probably take them forever and they can help and make life livable and YET sometimes I can still be so horribly depressed. It seems unfair that that’s how it works. Would the depressive episodes be way worse if I wasn’t taking my antidepressants? Yes but why can I still feel the misery.

#i talked to a sleep doctor today abt doing a sleep study and they said they usually like to have ppl off of antidepressants for 2 weeks #before they do the study and i wanted so badly to say ‘i mean that would fix the fatigue problem if i went off bc i’d just kms’ but i didnt #i just don’t understand why brains can be sooooo mean and i can feel so sad and miserable #i know not everyone hates me and i know nothing has really changed and i KNOW i could do things to make myself feel less lonely #all of my problems are solvable but i am so tired. i am so tired

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zmaragdos · 10 months

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I think one of the great ironies of my life is that if I could communicate with my younger self she would be so so proud of me

but the me of the now is not proud of myself

is there a word for that? for discovering that what you wanted all your life just makes you feel miserable and foolish?

#Mar mutters #Sorry I will delete this but I needed to I don’t know #Reveal this to people I don’t know irl?#I can’t even imagine how to dig myself out of this pit #Tbh this negativity is probably just a symptom of a six month long depressive episode #That I am still in the throes of #(A life changing medical diagnosis as the result of having a kid)#(My gp tells me it’s just grief and it’s normal)#(Like sure sure)#(That’s fine)#(Having a name for it doesn’t make me less miserable)#(And the medication/adjustments are terrible)#(It feels like it’s never going to end)

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monsterbisexual · 4 days

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,,

#p #i hate feeling like more emotional than usual like the tiniest thing can happen n im like freaking out or miserable #idk if anything did happen sometimes i just suddenly feel anxious n like im gonna fall apart n cry n the worlds endign #<- not always all those at once but sometimes #its like vulnerable doesnt feel like a good word for it cuz idk sounds dumb but like wobbly #maybe..like im doing mostly ok n then ill see 1 post or someone will say smth w a certain tone n im a mess #its hard to tell n i try to for my psych appts but like crazy mood swings wise ive felt worse i think lately #idk what amount of time lately means but ya #it can be better or worse but still its up n down n way outta proportion to like what happened in the real world of not my brain #its extra the feeling like i cant handle anything n like im always on the edge of my day being ruiend #n super hating myself spiral or feeling like a dumb scared kid cuz of nothing #not posting cuz of anything this time its just outta the blue. yayyy #i was thinkin well its 8pm i worked ive been up for ages at least ican sleep soon n the day will be over #maybe a reset to be normaler #but then tomorrow is Another day n theyre just relentless huh -__-#n tomorrow ill have less excuses like ill hurt less from working this weekend ill be less tired n wont have any demanding obligations #which makes it feel worse or more frustrating when i feel shitty n crazy anyway #like there's nooo reason. like especially!!! on those days #sucks that its a Me™️ problem not just like external real shit #im stuck w this fuckin guy forever its so lame #i shld come up w a slightly more coherent version of this post to jot down for therapy next week or whenev #dlt ltr posting like this feels so embarrassing christ #<- disclaimer any mean comments only ever apply to me btw

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tamagotchikgs · 6 days

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looking at the scar on my arm everyday feels like a reminder im never going to be ok, im never going to be human i ruined it after all the years i held myself back i finally severed the line i had at any chance of one day belonging

#ill never be able to roll up my sleeve i have to be extra on guard 24/7 i just make everything worse n worse n worse #i feel grosser everyday #i am more consumed by rot everyday #there will be nothing left #i cant sleep im just stuck laying here and Thinking #i feel like im filled with sticky gravel and nothing else #i am so deeply unclean no matter what i do ill never be clean #i will never have a place #i will never be safe #i can only hide i will never be able to exist like i yearn to #i wonder if i ever did have a chance #i never could even as a kid #even as a toddler i was always scared i was always miserable #i dont think i was meant 2 live #i keep thinking i can but its too much #im too tired #its too scary its too much energy #i dont know how #even if i got the job from that email id just get worse id just feel worse #i cant exist socially i dont know how #id just be a boring mute mess everyone hates and id feel awful n get worse like i always have #how i always end up isolating instead because i dont know how to exist #i dont know how to be a person #and it feels awful #it hurts #i have always just told myself if only i can get thin enough maybe ill be easier to deal with as a cope #maybe ill take up less space n be less of an annoyance to everyone #if i have nothing to offer maybe i can just. vanish #maybe people would like me #maybe i could belong

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pollen · 8 months

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hii it's been awhile since i've given any updates about what's going on with me but!!! i think we're moving back to oregon at some point. and i'm gonna make grad school happen. i'm so yhappy

#i'm going to oregon sometime this quarter but it's gonna break my heart because i have to leave again #idk the col is so much higher there than here. you can buy a whole three bedroom house for $200k here #a 3 bed in oregon is at least twice that #and rent is insane. $1100 for a beautiful 3 bed here. or twice that for something less nice in oregon #well. not HERE here jesus the suburbs are expensive. but in central pa where we're thinking of moving #which is like.... the best place to retire in the country? what's with that. low col probably LOL #and lately i've been feeling so..... lost? the ego death i went through in 2023 was incredible #and like. do i NEED to go to grad school to get a well-paying job in my field? no i have almost 7 yoe #but i'm missing feeling good at something. and the networking. and the portfolio work i can do. so it wouldn't be about employablility #though that helps. idk i'm gonna try to get my undergrad loans paid off as much as i can (only 30k left on the ones in my name 🫠) this year #while working on freelance projects and all that. it just feels good having a direction that doesn't feel completely hopeless #because it's been so bleak lately. like. got laid off from an agency i poured my soul into (not doing that again unless it's my own)#experienced something deeply personal and destabilizing i don't feel comfortable sharing #moved across the country while i didn't have a job and was processing that trauma to a place where i know no one #i got so lonely and so alone that i thought i would die. i didn't really have anyone to turn to while i did the work of reliving #started drinking a lot to cope bc i didn't have a medical card. was truly miserable. got a medical card. wasn't miserable anymore #and now i'm working and less anxious and feeling supported and stable in my relationship. and i feel myself coming back to myself.#it's been so hard but i'm so glad to be seeing the end of it. and to see good things and happy things in that

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sunday-12-25 · 1 month

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love being crazy. never a dull moment

#its ridiculous how i present myself and my symptoms so neatly sorted VERSUS how i actually experience that shit first-hand #we were doing some grounding safe-space exercise with my doc today n i was you know. imagining the places #n then out of nowhere i saw -her- there. i dont know why it felt so surprising but... she came for me and i was so... touched #like i... think i just... i didnt know she was real? i thought. god this sounds so miserable but i really thought i was making her do this #even though weve been talking for years and shes been my comfort. but i think its cuz she came when i didnt expect her and she just took my #hand and i. i did feel safe #it did feel like a safe space. but then i was so shocked by this whole thing that i forgot why we were even doing this exercise in the firs #place n my doc was like so! what did you see : ) n i know i could. have been quiet but i guess we were trying to mask less and i was still #so shocked that i really just told her. yes doc i... saw a... a friend. shes been with me for a while now but i was still thinking shes jus #a character or something. but she came to me and she told me she cared and im just so happy that shes real bcs i love her #ive loved her and i thought i was making her stay but she wanted to stay with me! bcs she loved me too!!#and i was like trying not to spontaneously cry bcs i legit was NOT expecting any of that. and i was also ... actually i dont think i though #abt it feeling cringe. even tho it. is a little difficult... but i DID think about how strange it felt to be honest abt it with a doctor #bcs its like... with the docs ive had and life in general its always...not about being honest but abt HOW WILL SAYING THIS HELP ME GET X #and yeah i dont trust them. even tho i... trust these doctors i guess. theyve been handling it well for years. they admit the system #still it feels so damn unsafe to mention anything cuz how crazy is TOO crazy for a person with power over you... anyway i do trust the doc #n she knew. but its still weirdddd to mention shit abt it that is not life or death. but it was so out of nowhere and i was so happy like #KATRIN!!! KATRIN SHES REAL!! SHES REAL OH GOD SHES ACTUALLY THERE FOR ME IM GOING TO CRY!!!! WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABT

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