#and i got it in the STUPIDEST way possible it's too embarrassing i can't talk about it now but. maybe after my isolation period is up :

[sorrellegiance]

oh souvla's avgolemono soup :'((

[belphies-cuhm-sluht]

hello! can I please request an angst fic with Satan losing control and getting angry at the MC because they made a deal with someone and is willing to give up their life just to bring Lilith back for the brothers? and yes Satan is in love but he just didn't tell them yet! thank you so much for opening requests, can't tell you how much I adore your writings <3

Not Your Choice To Make (Satan x GN!MC Angst) 

What had he done to deserve you? What had any of his brothers done to deserve someone like you? You were caring, always so happy, and you were selfless. So, so selfless. As if any of them deserved a person like you in their lives, and he knew that the answer was no. You were the kind of human who’s name went on the reservation list to Heaven as soon as you were born. Apparently the big man upstairs had a plan for everyone, and your plan had been set in motion the day that you were brought into the world. Had God known what you were going to do though? Did he know that you would end up down here? If so, why would he allow it? What kind of God was he to allow you to be brought into such a horrid place, the worst place, biblically speaking? It didn’t make sense, and now… now everything was messed up because you were good… you were too good. You should have never been brought here. 

He had never even met his sister, but he knows that his brothers adored her, they loved her, and they missed her dearly, especially Beelzebub and Belphegor. Even with all that, it wasn’t your problem to fix, it wasn’t your problem to solve. Every single one of them loved Lilith, but every single one of them loved you as well, some more than others, although he’d never be able to tell you. “What do you mean you made a deal with someone to bring her back? Y/N, that is… that is the stupidest thing… Do you even remember who you talked to?” He was trying to stay calm, he really was, but this situation alone had him filled with rage, and his Avatar had nothing to do with it at all. How could you do something like that? To them… to him? It was so selfishly selfless, so careless. “Satan… I was just trying to do the right thing. I know how much everyone misses her and-” His head was shaking so fast, his hands balled up into tight fists as he tried to get your words out of his head. 

“Everyone? Everyone misses her… you’re right. But do you have even the slightest inkingly of an idea how much we’d miss you? Losing you would be like losing her all over again to them.” Losing you would be the worst thing to ever happen to himself though. He’s never gone through loss, he’s never experienced the pain that comes along with it. That’s why he has to fix this as soon as possible. “Please calm down… the guy said that-” He let out a low growl, holding his hand up to silence you. He didn’t want to hear what the guy said, he just wanted this problem fixed. He wanted it solved, and as much as he hated to do it, he went to the only other person in the entire Devildom who could possibly help him. 

The doors to Lucifer’s office were almost thrown off the hinges when Satan burst through them, pulling you along behind him. “Yes, Satan? If this is about something Mammon did, I don’t have-” Satan didn’t appreciate it, the way that Lucifer refused to even look up from his stupid paperwork to aknowledge him. He wouldn’t be bursting through the doors if it was a Mammon problem, hell, at this point he even wished it was a Mammon problem so he could handle it himself. “It’s not Mammon. It’s Y/N.” That got his attention real quick, his head snapping up from his desk to look at you, the way you stood behind Satan shyly, almost embarrassed… what could have happened? You didn’t look harmed, you didn’t look scared, even with the way that Satan was acting. “What’s wrong?” 

You didn’t want to reiterate the story, it would just take too long, and Satan actually agreed. There was no time to waste, and your reasoning, in his eyes, and hopefully in his brothers eyes as well didn’t justify your actions, as nice as they may have been. “She made a deal… with some guy that she doesn’t even know the name of… to bring Lilith back…” It was hard for him to even get the words out, they were upsetting, and they pissed him off. What you did pissed him off more than anything, but not because he was actually mad at you… he was mad at himself for letting you out of his sight long enough to even let something like this happen. Lucifer’s eyes were wide as he stared at you, his adams apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed hard, trying to let what Satan had told him sink in. “To bring… she can’t come back anyway… no one can bring her back. She’s… she’s dead. She’s been dead. Everyone knows that.” Everyone should know that. Of course, you didn’t… you didn’t know that at all, or else you wouldn’t have made a deal with the random demon in the first place. “Wh-What did you offer… to this demon, if I may ask.” Lucifer wasn’t the kind of guy to stutter, he never got tripped up on his words, but now he felt like he was on a race against time to get to the bottom of this, to sort all of this out. He needed to know every single detail, and this is the part that got Satan’s attention as well. He hadn’t heard about the actual… transaction, if you can call it that. He had only heard about why you did it. 

“I offered.. My uh… my soul… my life…” The tension is the room was palpable, but so thick. The growl that had come out of Satan earlier was nothing compared to this. His Avatar was in full play now, his rage spurred on by this tornado of emotions that his body just couldn’t handle. How could anyone be able to handle this? “Oh no…” Was all Lucifer had to say as he fell back in his chair, dropping his face into his hands as he shook his head. That didn’t seem to help though, not at all. The next thing you knew, Satan was storming out of the office and up the stairs into his room, slamming his door shut, the force behind it was enough to rattle the pictures on the walls downstairs. “I just thought I could bring her back… I didn’t know…” 

The books that were stacked up on his floor were all kicked over, scattered across the room as he broke down. “This is why humans don’t belong here… Y/N doesn’t belong here… never did.” But he knows that his life without you having come in it would have been dull, boring and depressing. He loved you, he loves you… but what’s the point in all of that now? What’s the point in having feelings for you, of ever having feelings for you? It wasn’t fair, not to you, not to him, and not to his brothers. “Wasn’t their choice to make…” He was mumbling to himself now as he fell back onto his bed, his hands covering his face, hoping that nobody would come into his room, but if they did, he would have time to wipe the stray tears that trickled down the corners of his eyes. There was no way to undo this, the deal had already been made. Even if they killed the guy, he would just end up back in Hell, and he would inevitably come at some point to retrieve your soul. You wouldn’t end up back in the Devildom though, you’d spend what would feel like forever in Purgatory, or stuck in limbo until the big man up in the clouds made a final decision on where you belong. 

“Maybe if we just find him-” You were still down in Lucifer's office, trying to find ways to fix this, to make it all just go away. Every suggestion was turned down, and you didn’t know whether he was just becoming irritated with your list of “possible solutions” or if he was just exhausted. This whole thing was draining, because at the end of it all, Lucifer himself knew that there was nothing he could do to solve the problem at hand. “You don’t understand, Y/N. Demons aren’t simple, you must already know that much. They’re malicious and mischievous. They’ll do anything to make a deal, especially with someone as pure hearted as you are. Every demon down here knows about Lilith, and every single one of them already knows she can’t be brought back. Whoever he was, he took advantage of your kindness, and there is nothing that can be done about it. I’m sorry.” He shook his head, hating that he had to lay it out to you like that, but you needed to know. You were always so hopeful, that’s what got you stuck in this predicament in the first place, but there was no hope to be had, not anymore. 

“Well… can’t we just get Lord Diavolo to find the guy…? Can’t he do something?” It was obvious that you were trying to hold back from crying because, like any normal person, you were terrified of dying, as you should be. This is why you don’t just run around the Devildom making deals with any random demon. Hell, you could have gone to one of them and asked, and they would have told you that what you were asking for is impossible. “No. I’ve already thought of that. It would spark issues, and our Lord wouldn’t want those kinds of issues to fall on his shoulders. Taking a deal away from a demon for one measly human, no offense… it would piss a whole lot of them off. I’m sorry.” He pushed himself up and away from his desk, walking around it to stand in front of you, grabbing your hands and pulling you up so he can look down at you. “Satan needs you right now… You should go be with him.” 

Satan… he did need you. He needed you more than anything, not just right now, but always. You helped him, more than he’d like to admit, more than he’d ever admit. Whenever he was around you he felt like he had better control of himself, he felt like he could actually be happy. With you, he even questioned whether his Avatar should be wrath, because you washed away any ounce of anger he had in his body, or at least, you made him forget about it for the time being. Satan… who, when you finally entered his room again, was curled in on himself, apparently finally having broken down and fallen asleep while he was crying. He hadn’t even lost you not, not completely, but the feeling was there, it was distant at the moment, but it felt like it was growing larger the closer that it came. “Hey… It’s gonna be okay…” Your voice jolted him out of his sleep, his eyes bloodshot as they opened and looked up at you, and while he wanted to be angry at your hopeful statement, he couldn’t even find it in him. Had he used up all of his anger already? No.. that couldn’t be it. No.. it was just that… the only thing you could be was hopeful, just as he was. Hopeful that there would be some way to sort this all out, to make it seem like it never happened. There had to be a miracle. God might not be on their side, but you were still human, he had to be looking out for you, right? “Yeah… it’s all gonna be okay…” He hated lying to you, at least, it felt like he was lying, because in the moment, he wasn’t exactly sure that anything would be okay, and nothing would be “okay” if you actually died. So, just like you, he was holding onto what tiny thread of hope you both had left. It’s all he could do, it’s all any of you could do. 

He pulled you down onto his bed with him, holding you close against his chest, and although he, for once, didn’t have anything to say… he hoped that his actions spoke for him. It wouldn’t be fair to tell you that he loved you now, you probably wouldn’t believe him if he did. You would tell him that he was just speaking out of fear, and while you would probably be right in the fact that he was saying it in that moment because he was scared, it wouldn’t mean that the feelings weren’t true. So he held you, tighter than he’d ever held anyone else, tighter than he had ever held you before. Maybe if he kept you close, nobody would be able to get to you… maybe… 

“My Lord… I need you to get Barbatos to do something for me… for all of us… please.” Lucifer mumbled into the phone line. It was a last ditch effort, one that he hoped would work, because if it didn’t, he’d have to go higher… way higher. It was the only way, not just to protect you, but to protect Satan, to protect all of them from feeling that kind of pain again.

[babyeijra]

Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert

January 22, 2021

Okay, so it’s been a while since I last made an entry in this blog

I feel like I had to write something about what happened today because I wanted to get over something that I know will bug me if I don’t vent it or say anything about it.

I have always known that I have social phobia. Even without being clinically tested or what do you call it, psychological testing or diagnosis from a professional(?), I know I have social anxiety. I just don’t know what degree, but I know it’s there. Since elementary and high school, I was a quiet kid. I never speak unless spoken to, I don’t even interact with relatives, cousins, or strangers I just met. I have always been like that. I was afraid to be called in class, I get mental blocks when I get called even when I know the answer (this really happened), that’s why I don't participate in class recitations, and activities (unless forced). If I get called, my mind blanks, my heart pounds so hard, and I could feel the blood rush through my whole body and to my brain. Then if I stutter, I feel like I don’t know what I was saying, l feel like I’m being laughed at secretly and I would think of it hours, even days after what happened. And I learned that by writing it and reading more about my condition, and reading from other people’s (with social anxiety) experiences, that’s when I could get past one mistake or move on from my shame. When I read that there are others just like me and have experienced what I went through or going through, is only when I could move on from ONE mistake. But then, until when am I going to be like this? I honestly thought I got passed this social anxiety. That what I had was just acute social phobia, nothing too serious, that I will not experience anxiety to my adulthood, that I could now proceed of dreaming to be a lawyer since I passed high school, college, and now a CPA working in the government. I got passed a lot of interviews when I was just trying to find work as a fresh graduate. I thought, maybe nervousness during interviews, or presentations is just normal?

But now that I think about it, I had always needed days, even weeks of preparation and practice to get passed simple interviews. I had always had sleepless nights thinking of the days of interview. In high school I had always needed to study 5 times, even 10 times harder just so I wouldn’t get left behind, because I lack class participation. I always though I was stupid or stupidest person in class, I had always envied my classmates who can get through being called and being made to stand to answer and yet giving the wrong answer, because they seem like they were answering a question like it’s nothing, being called to stand is nothing, reporting in front of class is nothing, speaking and interacting with others is nothing. But for me, it’s not a simple “nothing”. I would think about it, I would remember my embarrassment when I stutter, or get mental blocks and gave the wrong answer, I would remember the judging stares (my mind probably had created).

I could recount, even today, how my high school English teacher, embarrassed me had called me to answer the last question, in front of everyone. The previous questions I had mentally answered and got them all right, after they were discussed or when my classmates had got it also right after they were called to answer. It was coincidental or I don’t know, that the last question was given to me. I had already made up my mind on the answer to the last question before being called. But when I was called, I don’t know what happened. My mind went black, and every symptoms of a social anxious person (from what I read from others’ experiences), I had really felt. I missed to give the right answer which I had already made up before. It just went away, I tried many times and I still had given a different answer, During that time, I really forgot what I answered in my head.  Didn’t I say, I went blank? And so this teacher made it worse by saying,  “If you got the highest score in the exam, you have to prove it, otherwise I would think you cheated” (nonverbatim). Okay now that I think about it, was she allowed to say that to a student? (I want to know the answer to this). I felt embarrassed then, but no one can deny the fact, that I did get the highest score on her exam. I really studied hard (like five times hard) and I listened well in class in high school and not because I wanted to compete with others, but I really had an interest to learn, and I also thought I was stupid and might fail (because of my lack of participation) that’s why I had to recoup by studying. I had the lowest self confidence and self esteem then. It was the lowest of the low. Surprisingly, actually, I graduated high school as salutatorian, and I dreaded it. I never wanted to be salutatorian. I never want to make a speech in front of many people, on the stage in an open space, at the University Quadrangle. I thought, maybe I’ll just get the “1st honorable mention” (3rd in the batch) or even 5th place, because I knew, what would pull me down (even though I sometimes or often times get the highest scores in exams and quizzes; Math, Science, Physics, and others included. Okay maybe except Filipino) was my lack of participation.

But yeah. Surprised? I was the salutatorian? Although it made me proud after I learned this from our class adviser (also our trigonometry teacher), but the next second I felt was, dread. “Oh shoot! I had to make a speech. I had to speak in front of everyone!”. Did you know, I even cried inside the Teacher’s room, in front of all the teachers, when we, I and another classmate who was the valedictorian, was asked to rehearse our speech in front of them? I was so nervous, I was crying while I was trying to speak (and the tears were not happy tears). I was so nervous that it made me cry. Can you imagine that? And you know what, the teachers actually thought? That I was crying because of happy tears, but I said to them, it’s because, “Gina kulbaan ako”(I’m really nervous). I should tell you, that when I said “crying”, I was spasm-sobbing (you know that sound you make when you cry, you get breathing spasms or hiccups) and had runny nose. I was a mess inside that teacher’s room. When I got out, my valedictorian classmate asked, “Ngaa nag hibi ka?” (Why did you cry). Yup, this happened. I need not relay to you what happened during the graduation. It would take up the time. Oh yeah!, I tried to think of ways to skip delivering the Salutatory Speech, like searching “how to get colds” so my voice will get coarse. I guess I would say, I never want to experience that (Salutatory Speech) again! And I had more also experiences in college. Like when we had to stand in front of the Audio Visual Room. And recite a (I think it was a long poem or verse). I was able to memorize it, but when I got in front. Well, you guessed it. I panicked and had a mental block. *sigh*

Wow, I actually made a long entry about my high school experiences as a Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert. I haven’t even gotten work experience yet. Huh!

I guess I need to let everyone first know the struggle of being a Socially Anxious Introvert from childhood experience POV, or what one feels like when speaking in front of everyone. So please, don’t judge this entry. What happened today, during our online Legal research class was, we had an oral exam about a hearing observation we had of a case. It was the easiest question by our Professor (who is a MCTC Judge) I think out of everyone’s. But I wasn’t prepared for the easiest question. I prepared for different questions and not the one she asked. So yeah, I blanked, stuttered and I guess and most probably flunked. Now you may be asking. Why did I enter Law School if I have a Social Anxiety? If you really read everything above, you’ll get the answer.

PS, I used at least 2 and a half hours of writing this entry. I have final exams next week. But I know I really couldn’t concentrate if all I think about was what happened 3 hours ago. I wanted to move on from a mistake and embarrassment. I really feel like and did sound stupid answering that SIMPLE question.

Now, what do you think? Should I give up Law School? Or try and conquer my fears in Law School? Do I even have a chance? Do you think I’m being brave? or being stupid for taking up Law but can’t even speak properly.

Any answer from anonymous person will be appreciated. Even if it’s a discouraging answer. I should accept the truth, whatever truths there would be. When I said, “don’t judge” I don’t mean it. Judge all you want really. It is the fact of the world. We even do it unconsciously.

PSS (is there such?), I have found a site (just now, while looking for pictures) that also talks about dealing with Social Anxiety in Law School (http://www.thelegalduchess.com/2018/08/dealing-with-social-anxiety-in-law.html). So I guess I’m not the only one. (by Sam Smith lol, unrelated content but still a good song). 

Will take time to read it. But, I need to study after this entry. (ugh! 😖The horror, I have a lot to cover for the finals and I have wasted so much time). I feel a lot better after writing this. So I guess it was not wasted time after all.

PPS: 12:17 am more than 4 hrs since my bad recit. I still can't concentrate. I have now been watching youtube about moving on from bad recits. I still cringe everytime I remember it, quite often. That's why I dont think I can remember what I read. Also, I'm writing this because I remember something. Studying harder is now 10 times harder to do in law school, especially if you are a full time, full load, working student. I couldn't prepare well for the next class, and I couldn't prepare for all possible questions as a Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert (which means all questions my mind could think of, because like I said, there'd be no time). And what makes it more embarrassing and humiliating, I have a classmate who is also a coworker (she's in a different work group) and her husband is also my coworker in the same work group.

[ghost-btch]

He Could Be The One~ 5 Seconds Of Summer

(Chapter Three: The Park™ )

[Not my gif]

(Other chapters and the prologue are under 5sos on my blog. I'd link them but then it wouldn't show up in the tags.)

Rating: literally for everyone

Warning: none besides the fact there may be grammatical errors, oops lol

Word Count: 889

************************************

3rd Person P.O.V

Phoenix was lying on her bed staring up at the ceiling. The memories of the last night played in her head. She had met and became friends with one of her favorite bands, you can't blame her for still freaking out.

She had by now checked her phone for the numbers many times to make sure it wasn't just a dream. It really was dream like. 'Like some fanfiction I could have read.' Phoenix thought.

****

It was now about a week later and everything still felt surreal. Her and the boys had almost nonstop been texting back and forth, they were really good friends. One of them sujested to all meet up at one of the parks around L.A. They all agreed. So that's where Phoenix was heading now.

She had practically jumped out of bed when she realized what day it was. Though she tried her best to put down her fan side and try to be normal. She accomplished this on the outside, but in her head she was kinda screaming still.

When she arrived she noticed four grown men playing on the playground. A very hilarious sight to see but probably not to anyone else.

"Aren't y'all a little old to be playing on a playground? Then again I can't say much cause I want to swing on the swings." Phoenix laughed.

"I think we're very much still a bunch of kids." Luke replied.

Then next few minutes consist of five "adults" acting like a bunch of five year olds. Probably confusing anyone who went by.

"Hey so are you ever going to tell us who you ment at your show?" Michael questioned.

"I will not, well at least as of right now I won't. I don't know about what'll happen in the future." Phoenix replied slightly blushing.

She was very confused as to how none of them had figured it out yet. It was quite obvious to her, she wasn't the best at hiding things.

Though in reverse Phoenix was also the clueless one. Someone themselves thought they were making it obvious their feelings. Phoenix being one to overthink at wrong moments and be oblivious at others had no idea.

If only they both knew the truth.

The five of them, once they were done on the playground, made their way to one of the picnic tables.

"Whens your next show again?" Calum had asked.

"This Saturday, I think. Wait ya Saturday. Y'all may have realized by now I have a bad memory at moments." Phoenix replied.

Luke had laughed at the sentence.

"What are you laughing at Hemmings?"

"You say 'y'all' a lot. 'Y'all', funny word." All the boys laughed.

"Well when you say it by itself yes it doesn't sound weird. But in a sentence it seems find to me. I've heard many people say it before all over the place so." Phoenix replied jokingly sarcastic.

The five talked about the stupidest things, jokes, old stories, music stuff, and more the rest of the time. All agreeing the music business was absolutely insane. Good and badly.

"So you're never telling us?" Ashton asked.

"I don't know. I things the way they are now. I've had my fair share of accidentally ruining friendships in this type of situation. Though I honestly don't know how none of y'all figured it out yet." Phoenix knew she messed up as soon as that last sentence came out of her mouth.

"I shouldn't have said that." She said sighing while closing her eyes.

"It's obvious? Well I guess we are clueless." Ashton said.

"You're not wrong."

"Hey!"

"Well you said it yourself." They all laughed.

"Anyways I guess talk to you guys later." Phoenix said as they were leaving the park.

They all said their goodbyes as they left and went their separate ways. Phoenix immediately lightly slapping her face for;

1. Saying too much

2. Not saying enough, by that meaning not saying the truth

Phoenix seemed confident in the way she talked or performed, but at some moments she was absolutely anxiety filled. She knew all of them are some of the most nicest people on the planet but she just had that fear. The fear if embarrassment if thinks toke a turn. But in the other hand there had been times where she didn't say something and then she regretted that. This was not a very good situation as of then.

Then it hit her! She wasn't good when it came to talking about her feelings but she was good at writing them. For example she once wrote a note in middle school instead of telling her then crush she liked him in person. She then got home as fast as she could to start writing.

As soon as she opened the door she ran to her room. Then ran back because she forgot to lock the door. But then she grabbed her songbook and started writing. With in an hour she had a finished song. Well almost finished. It might need finishing touches before it was a perfect as she could make it. But she was happy with it.

She planned on singing it at her show Saturday since the boys would be there. She tried not to think about the possible conversations after the show. Which she sorta failed at.

....

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