#and i have to say im kinda really proud of myself? that ive had this relationship with it for YEARS and i still havent given up on trying to

[arsenicflame]

i do think being unconditionally loved is an experience that can be so so healing actually. it cant ever fix anything alone but to feel loved and valued and considered is something that makes carrying burdens just that little bit easier. to trust that youre someone they think about when youre not around, because they tell you. to feel like youre someone important to them because they tell you. to feel safe in knowing youre not being too intense, too annoying, too much, because everything you offer is offered right back without a seconds hesitation. this isnt something i ever thought id get to have, but i found it when i wasnt even looking. and no, it still isnt easy. it doesn't change most things. but it gives you a reason to try.

[yugocar]

“just because you feel awful doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong” // jane elliot

[yerdad]

Hi! Know I've been inactive for a bit and that probably isn't gonna change! I have other stuff to say but it'll be in the tags lol

[nomaishuttle]

i think maybe my streak system is a bitttt op...

[anime-grimmy-art]

It’s this time of the year again, folks. Time to wrap up the art Ive made in the last 12 months in another Year in Review! I’ve noticed that this is my fifth Year in Review in a row, so I’ll be making an extra post looking back on the progress in those last 5 years!

I've got a lot to say about this year, but purely art wise, I've gone all when it comes to comics, damn! I've kinda found a format that is messy, and therefore more time efficient, yet still looks good. I even made 2 animatics and lotsa shorts/reels! All that on top of opening coms twice, and, oh yeah, MAKING A WHOLE ASS 4MIN ANIMATION ON MY OWN.

How is my hand still alive.

2023 has been….interesting, to say the least. The first half year I was working on my thesis project, aka making an animated short all on my own (in the art department), which makes it honestly surprising how much I managed to churn out between animating. Trigun rly did have me in a choke hold.

Summer was a bit more spotty, esp. with me not being able to draw anything during August as I was writing my thesis (and doing commissions). And towards the end of the year, Kingdom Hearts tried to save me, but alas, Genshin Impact has finally sunk its teeth into me and dragged me to the bottom of the rabbit hole. It all started with me watching a story summary and lore videos while I was sick after my thesis and I was too intrigued to not dig deeper and well, first I fell in love with Kaeya and then the ships started dropping in left and right.

I’m not gonna lie, the last few months have been weird. I finished my masters in October, and have been on job hunt since, sadly without success so far. I’m existing in this weird limbo of still not grasping I’m not a student anymore after 18 years in education, not really being able to accept I’m an adult, yet desperately trying to find something so I can make a routine, cos rn Im too scared to build a rhythm as I know I’ll have a so much harder time readjusting again. It’s left me in a weird emotional state, where most of the time I feel fine, but when it counts, there’s just, nothing. No joy at getting my diploma, no anticipation to finally go to a convention again, neither any sadness hearing my grandfather died. It frustrates me that it extends to my art as well, there’s excitement over ideas and concepts, but no motivation to pick up the pencil, which makes me either not finish art at all or making so many shortcuts and just ending up with sth not satisfactory to me since it’s not the idea I sought after.

Tho, not everything is doom and gloom. I DID finish a whole ass short animation and got my masters degree, that IS sth to be proud of. Also, while Im struggling at drawing, I’ve also kinda started integrating my shortcuts into my style and some stuff I’ve thrown together actually turns out real good nowadays. Also, and this might be a bit of a weird one, I’m so fucking happy to know I can still enjoy gay ships. I’ve been a bit uncertain over the last few years because when I was around 16-18, I had a real big yaoi phase, which mostly came from the fact so much stuff came out that tickled my brain in the right way (Free, Haikyuu, etc.). But over the years, my enthusiasm died down, and I even started to resent some ships because it’s all some fandoms produced. I often found myself liking a hetero ship more than the popular gay ship, which really made me not wanna stick around because I did not care for most fanart and you can only go through a tag with art you don’t care about so long before you lose interest. I think in retrospect that it rly had nothing to do with the ships being gay ships but rather cos the fans just shoved it in your face when you didn’t care (and shipping culture nowadays also can get real scary). But I’m so happy to see I can still get obsessed with a ship and it’s all thanks to Haikaveh/Kavetham. It really just needed the right flavour for me to dig in again. And oh my god, I FINALLY like a ship with a SHIT TON of art and fanfictions, no more scrounging the crumbs from the bottom of the barrel. 

Anyways, enough lamenting. Here’s to hoping I can bite my tongue and get shit started properly in 2024, and that my brainrots may make me obsessed enough to churn out an obscene amount of fanart again.

[vexingwoman]

Uh not actually here to hate but to say thanks???? Ive been thinking alot on my self expression and trying to figure out how to word it, and seeing some of your comments with other people really helped to put in perspective what I was trying to come to terms with. Ive always struggled with my gender but acknowledge fully that I'm biologically female. (Stay with me here till the end please i know lol) I genuinely dont care what pronouns I'm called either and none have ever felt right if I'm honest and nothing I've read or tried has been adding up for me over the years to help me feel any better.

Kinda realizing over the past year or so that I just have this deep ingrained idea from being surrounded constantly my whole life in a woman hating environment that I just have a *really* heavily masked hatred for what general society treats women as and was trying to remove myself from it hoping itd somehow save me from the terrible shit we all go through daily. And it just made me feel even more alienated doing that to myself. Its been a long time of coming around to this and I know how it sounds but I dont wanna consider any of my time wasted. I dont remember what it was but something you said to someone in a long ass comment fight clicked for me and rn I'm sleep deprived and wont even remember what it was in the morning either but I feel like some kind of weight has been eased off me. Im doing my best to unlearn the sexist misogynistic bs ive had shoved down my throat my whole life that made me think being a woman was something to be shameful of and better off without.

Its been hard trying to look into this radfem community and find someone who didn't immediately just insult and exclude ppl that werent already on the ball agreeing. Basically I appreciate your ranting with strangers. Amd indulging some of their curiousity as clearly as you can+defining everything you say constantly so I dont get lost in a whirlwind of hard to understand metaphors. Idk you get it. Something clicked and i dont feel ashamed for the time gone bc I know it was heavily influenced by the oppression of all things normal-human-womanly around me. I hate that we're all so tied into these stereotypes. Its painfully hard to unlearn. Thanks for the help. Have a fat block of text as thanks cause I'm not sure how to sound as genuine as I feel rn. Have a nice day and an even better tomorrow. Im gonna get some sleep now💀(stayed up WAY too late painting lol) bye!

This is so wonderful to hear. I know how dreadful it is doing serious introspection and making yourself aware of how deeply and unconsciously your internalized sexism runs. I’ve been there, and I know it’s even more difficult to deconstruct the subtle sexist attitudes which have been ingrained into to us since birth. Often it seems as hopeless as chasing smoke, because some of our internalized sexism is so deep that it’s invisible, and worse, inarticulable.

Some women will never think on these subjects beyond their surface level—will never dissect their preferences, will never concede that their choices are influenced by sex-based socialization, will never seriously reflect on why they are so desperate to identify out of womanhood. And in a strange way, I sympathize with these women, because I understand that it’s easier to shut your eyes and convince yourself that you were born in the wrong body than it is to open your eyes and acknowledge how much sexism has seeped into and corrupted our own minds.

Basically, I’m proud of you for putting yourself through the pain of deconstructing your own internalized sexism. You are better for even attempting it, and I hope you continue to do so.

P.S. I know exactly which long-ass comment fight you’re referring to, because I only put myself through that once. At least someone benefited from the literal month I spent arguing with that stranger. They blocked me, so unfortunately I can’t even go back and analyze the conversation if I ever wanted to. I would love to know what you took away from it, if you ever do remember.

[bisquuet]

hi! still alive! AN UPDATE: LONG READ :D no new devlin content since im focusing on my oc comic :( ( speaking of comics. remember that other comic i posted here like once and never talked about it again?? yeah.. ) - lets talk about that. will i ever go back to that comic? -yes, when? i don't know.. i realized i went into the comic very.. unprepared.. or less prepared than i thought i was. so it got me second guessing things and getting confused..!! i have a VAGUE idea of how I want it to go, or atleast i DID, now im not so sure.. I think i need to sit down, splurge out my thoughts and ideas and go from there,, now i technically have a WHOLE post that is done that was supposed to be dropped shortly after the first one. but i thought to myself, oh ill just work on the next update and once im halfway THEN ill drop the second one! i never got halfway. i ended up just sketching more up ahead and adjusting and ''fixing'' things in the second update. making me loose track of time and getting behind, not only i had school to deal with too! so i just have a LOT of storyboarding of pages...that im slighlty afraid of looking at cuz i know that ill want to fix it but ill be unmotivated to actually fix it.. (bad rawr!!) eventually i have to get to it..!! >< ANOTHER major factor of the delay was my confidence, i wasn't satisifed and even frustrated at times when something didnt come out as good as it did in my head. i REALLY like the first update pages! especially devlins scene! but i think i got too ahead of myself and put WAY too much onto my plate, raising expections, of others and myself, mostly myself.... and I was trying to copy to a manga style, rather than convert my style normally into a manga setting, if that makes any sense. so i wasnt.... 'comfortable' drawing.. i dont know how else to describe it! but ever since then and even before, ive been getting less confident with my art and my style, feeling like its ugly or its getting worse. forcing myself to keep drawing, straining myself trying to make something that looks good to me. i have lots of fun and joy drawing for others, the reason i draw is BECUZ i just want to share what i make! as shallow as it sounds i like creating content for others to enjoy! it makes me happy and proud of what i draw! so. when i make something i dont like, i cant bring myself to show it cuz I dont like it.. others may, but that wouldnt change how i would feel about it. i felt that way deeply with the second update, which is why i kept tweaking it,,, and so I just let myself get caught up with other things.. feeling upset and guilty that I kinda just.. abandonded the comic..! saying that ill pracitce and oh ill do that , i Need to do this and this and this when i havent even done ANYTHING! i think, and i genuinely mean this, i think ive only recently started to ACTUALLY do things.! like development for my OC comic, writing for it, making content and sharing about them to whoever would lend an ear! so in a way the seewar comic walked so that my OC comic could run, hopefully.. so, unfortunately ill be focsuing more of my attention on my OC comic, and i honestly can't promise anything. the only thing i CAN say is that i will share the second update that i finished long ago.., no matter how much internal rawr doesnt want to, i feel like thats the first step to overcoming this fear and dread ive associate with the comic, which is something i DONT want. ill be scheudling to drop this weekend since ill be away.. i dont know when ill actively start working on the seewar comic again becuz i genuinely want to finish it and share it, i just have to not be too ambitious and plan out whats necessary. anyways.. now that school is out im finally paying all of my debts and owed art.. its rough but it has to be done. thanks if you have read all of this,, i greatly appreacite the support, from friends and followers, fossils, (thats what my fans are called wink wink) love yall fr <3

[swaglet]

One of the things that keeps me deep in ed is the fact that i hate having a "feminine body" I HATEEEEE having curves liek fucking hate it.

And the problem is no amount of weight loss will change the structure of my body so unfortunately I have to try to keep myself at a low weight to appear as if I have less curves.

Idk if you watched euphoria but rue (character played by zendaya) has my dream body she's so tall, skinny, "flat" like she looks "boyish" (i swear im not a creep 😭) and I so wanna look like that every time I wear something and see my curves pop out I wanna take a seesaw and just fucking remove them.

Whenever I discuss this w my friends they either tell me I'm humble bragging or they try to tell me that I'm non binary or some bullshit.

Like I jsut wanna have a slender body. Curves to me jsut make me look trashy and too "sexed up" I wanna look like a stick with no shape ffs

under a cut cos its kinda triggering material obvs and im yapping

oh nonnie this is exactly what kept me sick for so long too i'm so sorry to hear this is what you're going through as well :'( my mind always felt at ease when people told me i looked more like a little boy than a grown woman for reasons i'm sure we all have experienced at one time or another (COUGH misogyny and harassment and sexualization and objectification and and and)

i'm actually dealing with the fallout of it rn and it still messes with me mentally... 6 months ago i started birth control to stop my periods entirely to manage my pmdd and the excessive amount of blood i was losing during every period, and while my weight itself hasn't drastically changed at all (it stays within 5 pounds maintenance thanks to the lifting and protein usually i think), any of the body fat i DID has redistributed to make me even curvier than i was before. my boobs and ass are prominent parts of my figure now like they got HUGE compared to how they used to be (FLAT) and i have a small amount of new stretch marks on the inside of my thighs which means they must have gotten meatier and that checks out because a lot of my pantlegs and shorts feel tighter. literally because of that i almost relapsed so many times in the past 6 months but ive had the mental fortitude to just ignore the urge

what has helped me a lot is that, as i have gotten close to the people in my life that are related to my accomplishments that i am proud of (a lot of it having to do with college and my local music scene) and have become comfortable with opening up to them about feeling the way i do, almost all the women in my life have shared that they relate at least a little bit, but that my appearance and certainly not my weight or amount of curves i have don't bear any weight (pun intended) on determining how much they respect me, how talented they think i am, how good they think i am at my job/the things i do, how willing they are to work with me, and stuff like that. many of them have also offered me the advice that we only get one body, and there's only so much you can do to alter the natural shape of your body, and then within those limits there's only so much you can do that's healthy and won't disable you or damage your organs for the rest of your life, and it's unfortunate that men have made our bodies out to be this sexed object but we do really only have one shot at life and ultimately i think it's pointless trying to meticulously control how everyone around us perceives us. to be honest i have felt a lot better about it since i have been making less and less men as friends and making more women friends.

i want to say that curves, or any body shape, aren't trashy or too sexed up, they're just neutral forms that your body takes. you have little to no control over how your genetics and environment shape your bones and distribute your fat patterns aside from exercising in a way that keeps your body working and eating a nutritious diet to fuel you, so the shape of your body literally cannot have like. moral implications like trashy or slutty or sexed up or anything. i repeat that to myself when i look in the mirror every morning. my body is completely neutral no matter how it looks; my body is not the vessel that i, a formless brain, pilot around in the real world; my body is not a physical representation of me.. my body is just part of me, i am my body, my body is me, and anything my body looks like is how i look and that's how life is. i don't have to like how i look, i am allowed to be uncomfortable with it, but nothing is wrong with my body unless something physiologically about me is unwell (ex. joint pain, something is swollen or red, a medical issue basically) or is making me sick or unable to function. if it's something i can't control and can't change drastically without surgery or severely under- or overeating, like my boob size, butt size, thigh gap size, the shape of how my bones fit together and how my muscles and fat lays on top of the bones, then i just do the stupid therapy thing where instead of thinking negative thoughts i think a different thought and don't let myself ruminate on the negative ones i'm fixated on. for example, "my strong healthy non-starved body lets me play my trumpet very loudly and march strongly with force; underneath my gigantic ribcage is a gigantic set of lungs" or "my strong healthy non-starved body lets me go on bug hunts often without getting as tired and weak and needing to stop because now it's full of food that fuels me all day long and i eat like a cavewoman who was built to endurance hunt and gather trinkets all day" and one that i'm sure not many can relate to is "my healthy body lets me sweat now so i don't overheat and although sweating may be unpleasant and very uncomfortable it lets me know i'm alive and that my body is working correctly" and then i try my best to move on with my day

another thing i do is i pay A LOT of attention to the women around me who i look up to and respect; what do they look like? do i ever notice their weight or their curves and feel negatively towards them and have diminished respect towards them or feel disdain towards them? or do i feel a kinship with them if i do ever happen to notice, like "oh she is like me in that regard"? there has never been an instance where i have felt negatively about a woman in my life or lost any respect for her because of her shape, curves or no curves. i'm much more concerned about other things tbh, especially as i get older. idk how old you are nonnie, but in my experience it's very easy to be "boyish" anorexic when you're in your teens and like at the oldest 19 years old... even without synthetic female hormones (birth control) being added to my body, and even with a hormonal imbalance, at about 21 i started rly "growing up" and that's when i got hips and a little bit bigger boobs (still A cups nonetheless) and put on a bit of a belly pooch even when i was still way too underweight. those are just parts of a woman that exist on our bodies naturally and there isn't any judgement to be ascribed to them. every professor, every janitor, every coach, every grown 21+ student walking around my campus (and town!) looks like that regardless of what shape or size we come in. naturally underweight, naturally overweight, neither, curvy, blocky, straight as a board/fridge, regardless of what shape that's just how women are shaped i think. i wouldn't ever judge another woman for looking the way i look, i wouldn't judge another woman for her shape Ever, regardless of what i think her circumstances are, so by that logic i ought to apply that to myself.

another thing that brings me comfort, and you may not believe me with this one but im serious; nobody notices all the things you notice about yourself anywhere NEAR as much as you do. ppl who have known me for 4 years think im 120 pounds (i am 30 pounds heavier than that and they are always in disbelief when i tell them that) and always have no idea i have a small potbelly until i lift my shirt and show them. it's like one of my biggest insecurities in the world and literally no one knows or cares which is insane to me. if i ever get sad about it i tell myself that's where i keep my ovarian cyst at + all my air for when i sing/play instruments and it will go away with time as i get more gains and start eating right again

and nonny!!!!! "slender/stick with no shape" is still just as much of a shape as "feminine/curvy" ! male is not the default no matter how much society wants u to believe that i promise......... there is nothing wrong with the way women's bodies are this is how we have existed naturally for thousands of years since we first got here. our bodies are just as neutral as men's bodies are. it took me a long long time to feel this way about myself and about my body and about the human body in general and recovery is never linear, my outlook changes every day and i have good days and bad days and some days i absolutely just will not go outside because i don't want anyone to look at me. but those have been far and few between lately

i love u very much anon. food definitely tastes better than how skinny feels. living life freely feels better than looking perfectly skinny in an aesthetic outfit. aesthetic outfits are for 1 day. aesthetic outfits and a skinny slender form will be in pictures and they will only last in the pictures. i don't want to scare you but you will either die like that (very slowly) or you will get very unwell and realize you have to choose recovery and you will have to gain it all back slowly and you will have to choose yourself everyday. idk. i put myself through so much agony that i didn't have to go through and looking back on those pictures im thinking in my head. what was all that for? i felt better then but it's so scary to me now. i looked so sick it makes me so sad for little me. i wish she could have lived a life where she wasn't preoccupied with being perceived as a sex object and could have lived free like i do now. BUT WE THRIVE. I BELIEVE IN YOU NONNIE I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH

[machlover54666]

i figured out how to do the "read more" thingie so now i shall rant abt inscryption card ive made ^_^

yall dont have to read it but its there (＾▽＾)

small update from myself while writing: ive only put 4 images and its a yapfest sjsjsja

im not the greatest artist (neither is my handwriting neat) so ejejwjwjw

its technically playable bc ive made the mat, a place where you can keep ur decks and some tokens (i dont have a scale so obvs its just Hit tokens <:])

ive also made like a manual thingie!! its technically in the game as a rule book but thats just the sigils

the cards there - ive made 54 total <:]

heres the first page thats not in game (along with the 6 squirrel cards ive made), it just states the set up, how to win and explains what means what on a card (ive had to sensor sacrifice bc im not sure if my parents will be fond of that o_0' instead its just killing/giving one card for another)

the talking cards ^_^ i think stunted wolf came out the best but i dont think you can see him too well bc of the light

stinkbug def came out the worst but thats okay bc if i had to rank them stinkbug would be last (even though shes kinda useful in game!!)

ive made like one of the "easter egg" (i think it is) cards, undead cat <:] it happens when you sacrifice the cat nine times (since it doesnt die when sacrificed ^_^)

again the light shines on one of the cards - poor magpie

these cards i think i did really well!! Especially Grizzly im really proud of it, i think its nearly exact to the actual card ^_^ (if u look it up sjsjsj)

in the actual game ive never used grizzly because of its 3 blood cost o_0 no thanks (but ive used its act 3 variant a few times)

more cards i think i did good on ^_^ (SORRY GREAT WHITE) expect bullfrog aaaa

its included bc my dad really likes how I drew Bullfrog (and says its better than the original one)

the cards behind long elk are just vertebrae (neck?) i made one too many 😭 in the game it leaves one in its old place when it moves (it has the sprinter sigil so of course it does)

i didnt do any more photos djsjsjs (the rest look rubbish anyway-) but yeah thank you so much for reading if u did ^_^ i appreciate it very much

[im-yn-suckers]

part 2 to idols?

bae, anon, my love, loml, im so sorry for being so late ToT. i really didnt mean for it to be so late. i saw the ask the day i left for vacation and i didnt have service on the way. anywayyyy

Idols II

warnings: kinda sad ig. guess what, not proofread again. i know. im proud of myself too. lmk what i missed lmao

click here for part one

niki called you after your live and said he watched it. 'i told you theyd be happy!' 'i know, but i was worried my members would get mad, cho-gyung-unnie told me to be careful right before i left.' 'but, we're alright now.' 'Y/N! GET OVER HERE!! WE NEED TO TALK!!' 'well, then, y/n. seems like your in trouble.' 'i'll be there in a bit!!' 'well, bye baby. tell the girls i said hi' 'i will. bye baby. love you' 'love you too, bye' and just like that, you were running to your unnies room, prepering yourself for what was going to happen.

'I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL NOW YOUR TRENDIG ON TWITTER??' 'ok, unnie, before you say anything, i wore my hoodie, bucket hat, and sunglasses, so did niki.' and awkward smile came creeping up your face as se continued scolding you.

' y/n, you need to be careful. i know you havent had much time to experience teenager things but, please be careful. ever since music bank, youve came up as a trending topic on twitter. im serious, ive seen our fans go crazy over how you two were so comfortable with each other and how you stared at each other. evem the tiktok you made with him, everyone knew that you were more than friends, its obvious and since your solo is coming up that could have ruined things.' 'im sorry unnie, i just hadn't seen him in months other than,,, work.' 'i know, and i know that niki would fully take the blame for you. i love you and i dont tell you enough, y/n. just please. next time your doing something that fans dont know about be careful. i dont want anything to happen to you.'

'i know. i love you too.' you hugged your unnie and made up. 'uh, by tha way, niki says hi and hell buy us ramen to make up for it!' 'y/n, i have ears, all he said was that he sent greetings to us. nothing about ramen.' 'DAMNIT'

[royaltrios]

here's some notes on my recent chsc: what you're missing

-since i published as needed as last year's snow in january, i've been busy trying to graduate and not had any time to read or write or even really think about genshin. then i visited our chsc server friends for a few days beginning of june and i came back and haven't stopped writing since

-on the drive up me and taho spent most of the two hours yapping about chsc, and it was lovely but also extremely extremely strange for me to hear someone praise my writing irl. im genuinely just stumbling through word documents like a bow-legged fawn so

-starting back up with writing this summer i started working things out on physical paper in a notebook. its actually been really fun/feels different than notes app/sticky note-ing it. i still did use sticky notes for puzzling out intricacies of the smut tho (and then proceeded to pretty much use none of it) i'll attach a pic of my notes here for fun even though its slightly horrifying to do

-like most of my fics ive had this one waiting in the wings for a while, basic premise though was just 'chsc first time happens after scara backhands childe in front of people and childe gets very horny about that'. wrote it over about two weeks, fight scene fucked me up until i just locked in and wrote all of it at once at 2am. spent a while rearranging the smut then sent it to pachi to beta, forced myself not to look at it during those days, got it back and made isolated edits and was too embarrassed to read the smut i wrote 2 weeks ago again so i just posted it. hope its ok

-i always always always have trouble with scara during harbinger era. its because im a chronic overexplainer/overjustifier for characters getting together. for his actions during that time i lean on the little tiny bit we ever saw of it and that's mostly abrasiveness... but you gotta pull on how wanderer acts/ his backstory a bit too to like really see where hes coming from at that point in the story. halfway thru writing i realized he wouldnt act the way i was imagining him acting, had to fix that, then had to tweak the rest of the fic

-basically; i think childe would accept that he has a thing for scaramouche without too much thought. he's into mean people who're older than him + match his freak. he goes towards what makes him feel good. scara on the other hand i think... he immediately justifies the pull he feels as 'childe's stupid enough that i can use him'/'he worships me without being told'. this is a guilty pleasure for both of them until they realize its not (which is what i hoped to set up by beginning it with their abyss connections-- they're alike from the very beginning and they're both being used in different ways) <- i talked to pachi some in the middle of writing and it helped me puzzle out what chsc would be feelin a bit more. ty dr pachi phd in childe characterization

-had to have like multiple tabs open of bible's rgg pwp fics as emotional support. i filtered fics tagged 'cunniligus' in my bookmarks more than once. i was floundering. 90% of what i write or consider writing is E rated but i don't actually get much fulfillment out of describing smut. however i kind of tried really hard here bc i know thats what 99% of people are reading this for and even though i hate when i have to write the words scaramouche and clit directly next to each other i ended up pretty proud of the smut here.

random favorite bit:

“Well, it—” Childe's hips buck up into Scaramouche's fist. With a strained expression across his face and in a tone that sounds a little too genuine, he says, “feels kinda... different, since it's you." It's as bold-faced and earnest as anything else he's heard Childe say. But it's a sort of confirmation that Scaramouche was hoping to avoid—whilst simultaneously enjoying dancing around it. Stupid to give him this much leeway, this much permission, and not expect the guy who does everything else with the ruthlessness and loyalty of a hunting dog not to extend that to this.

i liked this bc i felt like i managed to nail down scara realizing he might've bit off more than he can chew without disrupting the smut. and childe + dog metaphor + shaky earnest confessions + L + ratio

-my penchant for having characters write letters in fic returns (almost as bad as my thing with inserting flashbacks in the middle of stuff) (i like first person but i dont like it in fic so this is the only way i can do it)

-looped teenage dirtbag (title + captured how i was trying to play childe here) (friend told me recently the singer of wheatus went to hs around where we grew up?), against the kitchen floor by will wood (taho's doing), some high energy 2000s stuff while revising the fight scene, my age gap oriented pl + will stetsons rabbit hole cover during the smut

i'll leave whoever reads this with a teenage dirtbag induced write-up i did to try and work out why i ended up liking the title i chose so much:

what you're missing-- what you're letting pass you by. what you don't have by not looking at me, what you'll want back in the future. what you don't have by not having me. what you've been trying to find, to grasp. what you didn't know you were missing.

[natsmagi]

Do you ever feel bad about your art? I've tried drawing before, but it never looked good so I just quit

OUGH SOMETIMES TBH....... though id kinda say thats part of the drawing process 💔💔

for me theres two types of "feeling bad" abt my art; the first being more imposter syndrome-y where i just kinda feel guilty over the amount of recognition i get when theres so many artists that i think are better and deserve it more than i do and other things along that line

the second one (and probably more universal) is, ofc, the feeling that ur art kinda sucks sometimes. honestly its very rare for a drawing to turn out the way i had originally envisioned because i simply do not have the skills to pull it off, which sucks!! and honestly, alot of the time i just try pushing through despite me hating the way the drawing looks. usually ill still post it even if i hate it, because in a way i think its kinda important to let myself be bad at art, and my blog was never meant to be used as a portfolio anyway, so why not post the things im less proud of aswell? especially since the communities im part of are rather niche, and i feel as though even if the quality is bad, someone might still be happy to see it!

so i let myself not be perfect with my art, as i feel being stuck on the same piece is only going to stagnate my growth and make me frustrated. not to mention the drawing usually only ends up looking Worse the more i try to fix it, and me posting a drawing is basically me putting a full stop to working on the drawing, forcing me to move on to something else and try again

art doesnt always look good!! and it most DEFINITELY is never perfect, but i also kinda find beauty in that yknow?? especially when uve been drawing for a while, its always fun to look back and see ur progress! its fun to see ur missteps and how u managed to improve! ive mentioned it before, but the sole reason i even created this account was so that i Would improve my art. i didnt really have much going on so i thought id genuinely try my hands at art again, which i had grown less passionate about the years prior. this blog is me sharing what ive created, no matter how amateurish it is, no matter my ups and downs, because i believe that will help me grow in the end! ive posted numerous attempts at various styles (moreso rendering styles) to see what i think suits me and what i find most pleasure in, aswell as my art style in general being rather stylized (the simplistic faces for example), figuring out what ways of drawing made me happy and what didnt through trial and error!

the first step is always the hardest, but its better than no step at all! so if you wanna draw, just go for it! its ok for it to look bad! keep trying various styles and methods until you find one that makes you happy!! its ok to be inconsistent!!

[borom1r]

hmmm 3, 5, 6, 11, 14, 20, 22, 26, 38, 40 for the fun questions meme <3

ooooooo ok these’ll b inchresting :3

3- 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

th lotr trilogy (duh), I Saw the TV Glow, The Last Unicorn :3

5- what made you start your blog?

THIS blog? suicide bait on my old blog :3

tumblr in general? a friend showed it to me in high school n i made one n my life was irreversibly changed lmfao

6- what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

ATTENTION. double edged sword. like ok i try not to let myself care abt attention and try to be rlly careful now abt who i interact with but at the same time it rlly is validating when things Get Attention. some of my favorite fics have little to no engagement :( n like yea its not healthy to create FOR engagement (fast track 2 burnout) but its also like very disheartening to put time n effort n passion into sth only for it to fizzle out in the void

but whatever. ill make weird art forever

11- what do you consider to be romance?

THIS IS SO FUNNY 2 GET bc soooo much recently has made me reevaluate like. how I perceive this lollllll

anyways short answer: idfk man!!!!!!! close friendships n romance r incredibly cloudy in my mind cuz ive got a bad case of dogbrain!!

long answer is i just don’t quantify that stuff the way neurotypical ppl do :3 ties into th autism + nonhumanity. i also think cis ppl being attracted to me is gross lol. ideal romance for me is bein held n tended to like a noble knight tends their sword. I feel love like a dog feels abt their human!!! dogbrained!!! romance is being a guard dog, being a Really Good Boy but just soooo disconnected from like. idk allosexual/neurotypical quantifiers of “romance” for me lol

+ i don’t use th label rlly but im def somewhere on th ace spectrum lol like physical intimacy is only rlly “safe” conceptually when its completely disconnected from th realm of possibility. like thirsting over celebrities or like th knight i have a crush on. + cis ppl desiring me is rlly like.. ew 😒 don’t look @ me anymore man

14- what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

UM. funnily enough im gonna do th Big Thing this summer :3 im going 2 th renaissance festival shirtless this year now tht im post op

s’gonna be scary showin off my scars but i rlly wanna go all out n celebrate finally havin top surgery. like im alive!! despite everything im alive n im happy ^_^ so cis people be damned, im gonna run around like a lil wolfguy for the first weekend!!!!!

20- favourite things about the night?

i love the moon :3

i also love how still n quiet things get

22- say 3 things about someone you love

ITS SO BRAVE!!!!!!!!! ITS LITERALLY THE FUNNIEST GUY I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO PROUD OF IT FOR HOW MUCH WORK IT DOES TO BETTER OUR COMMUNITY N PROUD OF IT FOR PURSUING TRANSITION + CANT WAIT TO SHARE MORE TRANS JOY W/ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(hiiiiiii Ly hehe!!)

26- fave colour and why?

when i was a kid my favorite colors were neon yellow n neon pink :3 they still kinda are but now i usually stick to like lime green or bright red paired w black. forest green + dark blue r gr8 too

38- fave song at the moment?

DONT ASK ME TO PICK JUST ONE???????

here r some I’ve had on loop lately: Far Away (Roadside Ghost), Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl (Broken Social Scene), I’m Already Gone (Baroness), Sex for Homework (MSI)

40- any bad habits?

oh yea i have dermatillomania lol

it doesn’t rlly bother me to talk abt bc i think “gross” stuff like that deserves to be less stigmatized— my shoulders n back are COVERRRRREED in little scars + scabs

[curioussatoru]

okay!! lets pray it doesnt kick me out this time..,

another band i really like is radiohead (let down underrated we all say in unison), ive been listening to them for some years and i reallylike them! a few songs i like are how to disappear completely/into strings, 2 + 2 = 5, subterranean homesick alien, blow out, you, jigsaw falling into placs, and exit music (for a film). theres more but i like all their music!!

i was going through some stuff the other day and came across some stuff my old friend gave me, and idk, i was happy i found the stuff but i miss him a lot, yk? i found a plushie he gave me, his dogs pawprint, and some other cool thing, idk i just miss him rn😓

i finally unfriended and unfollowed and all that with another old friend i dislike now, been needing to do that but only just got to it

i came across a old note in my notesapp, and i fully regret reading it, but its caused me to focus more on myself nowadays. im genuinely impressed on how seriously im starting to take care of myself. i also found out my writing is top tier when im upset. one thing i said in the note was "i had loved him, because he is my father, and apart of my bloodline. he is weaved into me and sown together parts of me that have fallen apart with string." just wanted to share that line it sounded kinda cool tbh....

I LOVE MUSIC!!!!!!!!! (and u)

-👾

i literally cried reading this you can tell just by the minimal words you’ve shared with me that you’ve grown a lot im proud and love you so very much!

radiohead is good i only know one song but that’s it

[jetammo]

hi :]

its what wouldve been my 25th birthday in exactly 23 minutes as of starting this

i used to rlly hate it since obviously im kinda dead and all but its grown on me, i have people to celebrate with that i love so much and will forever cherish

its been almost two years since i formed, i think i formed in late july early august? i was understandably scared and confused, last i checked i was dead. ive had my fair share of ups and downs since then id say. i realized a lot about myself which took a while to accept, hung around with the wrong people, realized more stuff again, found someone i love so much, realized even more stuff for a third time, found the second person i absolutely adore, and now were here

i dont think i wouldve made it this far in this system without the incredible support ive gotten from my friends and partners, and i really want to just give them all the thanks they deserve

syk, im so thankful for all the times our sophomore year you listened to me cry and ramble endlessly and overpowered those cries with endless support and reassurance, its really made all the difference and im proud of the person i am today. i couldnt have done it without you

rowan, thank you for being such an incredible partner and the undying reassurance you gave me regarding all the questions i had and helping me work through my fears and trauma, even if we dont see each other all that often anymore. i love you so very much and you mean more than i could ever express. heres to the years we knew each other in the past and to the years we have ahead of us. happy birthday to your whole system as well, birthday twin

rosie, thank you for being able to always be there when i need you. i still find it hilarious how we met and where we are now. i couldnt imagine in my wildest dreams being here with someone like you. you help me though so much and it means the world to me. i love you so much words fail me and i dont think ill ever be able to form them when im with someone like you

thank you everyone whos stuck by me these wild couple of years, you guys are the best <3

[onlyjaeyun]

hi zadie 🩷🎀 i’ve missed you! i’m so excited about the new smau!! i’ve been so cramped with finals (one of my classes instead of calling it a “final” did 3 tests back to back in a day and called it a final. spoiler. i cried. LOL😭) this is a half vent ig but im awful at math ive always been and this sem i was talking calc bc i have to for my major :( and at the beginning of the year i had a D and i basically thought id have to retake it but i studied rly hard and got a 98 and a 99 on my next exams i was soo happy and proud of myself and i kinda got in my head that i could get an A in the class now and put a bunch of pressure on myself to (so by no way am i saying a B mark is bad it’s just the expectation i set for myself that did this) i only needed a 75 on the final for an A in the class and i ended up with a 73 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 so i got a B and it just sucked that i was so close and i just feel less accomplished which is a bit dumb ig and ik it’s a good mark but i hope u understand where my brain is coming from lol. anyways rant over. i love you!! so excited for the release next week :,) 🩷🫶

-🌷

hi my sweet love! first of all, im SO sorry you didnt receive the results you had hoped for and i hope you know it sabsolutely human for you to be disappointed and sad and nupset about this. i really yhope the next one (if there is one) ends up just how you want it to!!!🙁🙁🤍 i can tell how hard youre working and how much you want this and you deserve it so much baby, sending you all my kisses and i hope you know how proud i am of you!!!!!!