#and i have written him before being i guess? depressed (especially now he doesn't Have a clear goal in life anymore)

[bemuseing]

If someone told Descole that he had a mental illness, how would he react? / What if a close friend suggested it? / What if a professional made an official diagnosis? / What if a close friend or relative of his was given the diagnosis instead?

I am not sure exactly how he would react but considering this man and what has happened to him during his life I am pretty sure he would not be surprised. I think he's fully aware he has issues. (For the first option at least, the exact reaction will probably depend on the tone in which it was said.)

I tend not to go into named specifics of what my muses may or may not be suffering from (I'm not confident enough or knowledgeable + experienced enough to do that beyond offhanded mentions or hints here and there) but that doesn't mean there is Nothing Going On.

Honestly, I think he would give it credence no matter who said it, as long as they weren't saying it in a mocking way. He might not express that he's giving it weight depending on who's saying it, but he would at least evaluate it - again, he Definitely has issues and he isn't blind to them. If it's coming from a close friend or family member [even if his family situation is... complicated], he would give it serious consideration. A professional diagnosis would re-enforce that, although I can't see him seeking one at this stage for any reason.

I'm not sure being aware of it would change a great deal about what he does. He's not really a seeks recovery or help type of person, at least in canon.

As for the last option, I think again the specifics would depend on the person and the situation in question (mental illness is a very broad term after all). If it was his brother or his father for example he wouldn't be surprised at all. They ALL have issues. Traumatised the entire family. Overall though I think he would approach it from a fairly intellectual point of view (as in he's accepting of the fact it is how it is, and will try to understand, even if he can't relate or isn't well-versed in it. But he'll probably research it, then! Man is a nerd after all and when he cares he cares).

[flawseer]

On the False Dragonets of Destiny

Recycled art... Forgive me, I can't physically draw more than I currently am.

Just a little while ago I was looking at some replies to my recent work, and I noticed a nice comment from someone who expressed they enjoyed my comics featuring the false dragonets of destiny, but couldn't really get into them in the books. I am thankful for that comment, but even more thankful for the opportunity to ramble at length about something I kind of wanted to talk about, but couldn't find a plausible excuse for. Until now.

All of this is just my reading of the material, of course. You don't need to agree with me on this.

Content Warning: Some discussion of abuse, trauma, violence. I don't know if it's severe enough to warrant a warning, but better be safe.

General discussion

The false dragonets of destiny, the alternates, or whatever one wants to call them. They enter the story proper in book 4, after having made a few minor cameo appearances before, and serve as a kind of hybrid antagonistic force and pseudo-allies for Starflight during his stay on the Nightwing Isle. During that time, they are very abrasive, stand-offish, uncooperative, and a bit annoying, and I guess that doesn't make them come off very well. But like, in spite of that or maybe partially because of it, I am really fond of these guys, and I'd like to take some time talking them up to you.

One can examine how these guys act and conclude that they are a bunch of dysfunctional screw-ups. And they absolutely are that, don't get me wrong. But one should keep in mind: the majority of the time they are in the spotlight, they are in an extreme, tense, and frighteningly uncertain situation. It's easy to forget how stressful these situations are because the books as a whole really like to gloss over the more frightening kind of subjects on account of being written for young readers. You can't really go deep into themes of abuse, trauma, and depression in a story like that without tripping over some kind of censor on the way, but the implications are there, between the lines for you to find.

Understanding the group

Who are the false dragonets of destiny? They are posited as a mirror image of the true dragonets of destiny, who have all been extensively schooled in matters of education and martial prowess. The first thing we see THIS group do on page is brawl, so one may think they must be trained and capable fighters. Viper and Flame constantly throw around death threats and aggressive quips, so one may think they are hyper-violent and dangerous. They are neither. Nautilus admits the Talons haven't bothered training them at all, they haven't seen real combat, they've likely been deliberately kept away from the war as a whole. Flame doesn't even know how to use his fire breath correctly. Starflight, who is by far the least physically adept of the arc 1 protagonists, is able to outpace them even as four of them team up against him.

They are neither killers nor a crack team of badasses, rather they are a bunch of play-fighting, posing delinquents who talk a big game with little in terms of actual skill to back it up. Realizing this is key to understanding just how out of their depth and ill-equipped they are to handle anything that gets thrown at them on the Nightwing homeland, especially past the negotiations at the Skywing outpost.

Abduction and imprisonment

When Starflight first finds them, they have been on the Nightwing Isle for a good while, and they are suitably bristly because of it.

Look at this situation from their perspective. These guys have known nothing other than their semi-peaceful life in the Talon camp. Then the leader of that camp, Nautilus--a figure they all know and trust, essentially sells them to a frightening stranger, who looms over them and is so physically large he could crush each of them easily. This stranger pulls them away from their home without even giving them a chance to say goodbye to their relatives (I'm convinced Avalanche would not have let Morrowseer take her son if there was a chance to intervene, so Flame must have already been gone when she found out).

A contingent of Nightwing awaits them, blindfolds them so they don't know where the entrance to the Nightwing home is. They pass through a kind of eldritch tunnel that pulls at their souls. When they are finally allowed to see again, they find themselves trapped on an island where there is no sunlight and every breath hurts as the air is thick with ash.

The Nightwings won't let them leave, in fact they don't know if they will ever be able to leave again. Nobody tells them what's going on, what they are meant to do, or what the plan is. They are left confined in some room with nothing to do, and they (sans Fatespeaker) can't go outside without being arrested. Food is brought very infrequently, and usually inedible, so they haven't eaten since they were forced to leave home. They don't know where they are, nor where their parents are, nor if their parents know where THEY are. They are completely cut off from anywhere, isolated, trapped in this little slice of hell with no means to escape and little hope to acquire any soon.

I think if I was in a situation like that, I would be pretty cranky too. More than that, I would be scared out of my wits, and I believe that they are as well. If you look at their actions through a lens of them being frightened, their irritating quirks suddenly become very relatable. Viper is coping by throwing out threats and making herself seem bigger and scarier than the thing trapping her. Flame makes offensive jokes about killing Fatespeaker because making light of the situation helps him keep his wits together. Ochre is hard to read, but I think he's just tuning everything out. Squid is convinced that his father--who is the most important and smart dragon in all of Pyrrhia--has made the correct choice and knows what's best for all of them. And Fatespeaker is in complete denial, choosing to trust an inaccurate vision of the future while ignoring all the red flags that don't fit into it.

I think it's interesting that you can read this as all of them having a different strategy to cope with the uncertain and frightening situation they're trapped in. That's part of why I like them; they're very flawed and make interesting decisions.

Trauma and Empathy

You can look at someone like Squid and see his surface traits: He is annoying, he whines and complains constantly, he brags about who his father is, and he seems completely incapable of doing anything useful. If this guy was in any other story, I would probably dislike him. But Squid has the benefit of being a whiny dweeb in a situation where it is very appropriate to whine and be scared. He has a scene where he makes a somewhat goofy speech at Morrowseer where he calls him stupid and wants to go home, and is subsequently exiled. It's a bit silly in execution, but for me it did succeed in making me feel bad for Squid as he desperately and pathetically pleads for Morrowseer not to send him to his death.

But then you can read beyond the lines a little and view the scene in the full context that isn't really dwelt on. Here, you've got Squid, who is inept even among his peers, sheltered and doted on by his father, whom he has never been away from for any real amount of time until now. This guy, who probably can't even feed himself (otherwise he might have been able to catch fish in the waters around the island), keeps telling himself that his father has a plan, that all of this, even the questionable stuff, is happening for a reason. He hasn't eaten in weeks and he's been the punching bag for everyone else's frustrations (because Fatespeaker is not around enough, hanging out with Starflight). Now he has been chased halfway across the world, forced to cross the ocean while tired and starving, to be told he has to talk to a bunch of violent strangers who hate his kind and want to kill him. He tries to hide but is grabbed by the throat and held in the air by a soldier twice his size. This is likely the first time his life has ever been threatened that directly and with genuine intent.

The strange new Nightwing who was sent with them somehow manages to deescalate the situation enough to save him, but then, without warning, more dragons burst into the room. Suddenly everything is on fire, including the soldiers who just a moment ago threatened him. He is close enough to them to watch their forms twist and writhe in agony as they slowly burn to death.

As he is made to watch this horrifying spectacle, all the feelings he repressed by reminding himself of the faith he has in his father come flooding back in at once. It becomes too much for him to bear, and he breaks. He starts crying and verbally lashes out at their abuser for the horrid conditions they have been placed in and demands--half asserting and half pleading--to be allowed to go home. This isn't really whining anymore, this is a full-scale mental breakdown, rendered to be simple and digestible to a young audience. Imagine how harrowing this scene could have been if it wasn't filtered through a child-friendly narrative.

Closing thoughts

There is a scene some time after that I found kind of poignant. At one point, Starflight looks out and he sees Flame just standing out there, silently staring into the distance. There's maybe one line dedicated to it, and when you read the book normally, you don't really dwell on it since it's so nondescript. But this scene happens shortly after the visit to the remote outpost. The soldiers that burned to death in there were all Skywings. Skywings like himself, and like his mother, who also was a soldier before she joined the Talons. Whenever I picture him standing there, I imagine he is reliving that moment, hearing the dying screams of his kinsmen. I think he will be hearing them forever.

So in conclusion: The reason why I like the alternate dragonets so much is because of the enormous, untapped potential they possess as characters, and how deep some of them run if you take some time to look at them. I feel like all of them have a story to tell, and it's a bit of a shame that Sutherland likely won't come around to telling any of them. If I had infinite time, money, and energy, I would love to make many more comics about them, as they are an interesting lot.

Especially Flame's story I feel is such a heartbreaking tragedy, and thinking about the way it ended saddens me. He's one of my six all-time favorite characters in the series, I wish he could have gone out in a happier, healthier way.

[shi-bxnii]

i will get hate for this likely but TWST HC's/Character Writings that annoy me and/or i feel are OOC

(check below cut) (all dorms/staff) (note: these are my personal opinions, do what you want, these arent for "Hey dont do this >:(" , im literally just saying what i personally feel, GO CRAZY AAA GO STUPID)

❤️Heartslaybul🃏

👑 Riddle HC: He's uptight and doesn't know fun

My take: He can be uptight and arguebly doesn't have fun in the same way others do but its been shown a few times riddle is a bit feral in his own way

♣️ Trey HC: Sweet mama friend whos done no wrong and needs a break

My take: He is a sweet mama friend but he has been shown quite a few times to do some (harmless) underhanded things for his own gain (Starsending Event: Getting a new blender/juicer/whatever it was)

♦️Cater HC: Bubbly guy whos secretly depressed with an internet addiction and THATS IT

My take: though not inherently wrong a lot of ppl dumb down his character to be very vague and two dimensional, Cater is also very alturistic in some cases and has shown to have a variety of skills (maybe not Trey/Ruggie lvl but its still skills)

♥️Ace HC: Mean as hell even in pranks(? this isnt one thats blatantly stated but written on a lot)

My take: Ace CAN be an ass but a lot of the time he will backout or realize his fuck up and make up for it, hes not jus sum ass that ppl talk too, hes a bully in the most loving way possible (lookin at deuce about that one LOL)

♠️Deuce HC: Oblivious dumbass

My take: Now in the context of School or sayings/confusing wording THIS IS VERY TRUE, but ppl make Deuce an all around idiot ive noticed and it annoys me, Deuce is very streets smart both in literal and just like,, hes a dude that knows things, and it annoys me so bad when they jus make Deuce a dumbass

🦁Savanaclaw🌞

🦁Leona HC: Hes heavily self interested

My take: also another that isnt inherently wrong but also is taken way outta context, Leona can and will be self serving but hes also shown to be kind and considerate and willing to help (even if he tries to deflect by saying it wasn't on his mind/not that it was truly within his heart), hes just a more intense Tsundere than Jack

🍩Ruggie HC: Same as leona with heavy self interest

My take: now this is more true then leonas but theres been a few times where ruggies done things for no/little gain, especially when it involves some level of danger, he may still joke about it but hes always pulled through

🐺Jack HC: this is also not a stated HC but ppl seem to forget how territorial/aggressive Jack gets so in writings hes usually just sum laid back guy

My take: Dude has been shown countless times to be headstrong and be aggressive and territorial, maybe not in the Adeuce, Tweel way but he in his own right has been shown to be aggressive (even if playful or more tamed then the formentioned)

🌊Octavinelle🫧

🐙Azul HC: Dark skin (visual HC)

My take: I AGREE AND DISAGREE, ive seen ppl give some characters vitiligo but NEVER to azul, if anything it WOULD be Azul, not only that Vitiligo is an autoimmune disease with factors such as stress, and who stresses more than anyone? AZUL, i usually consider most Visual canon to be just that with very little HC's but if Azul is to be interpreted with dark skin, mf has vitiligo

😈Floyd HC: Older of the twins and a variety of romantic HC's/writings i cant all list

My take: Its been shown in either a viginette or an event (i think an event) that despite being born within the same timing, Jade was actually first before Floyd (Jade makes a joke about keeping him around so im guessing the mf murked all his other siblings eggs djebdjsb ???) // As for romantic HC's writings what annoys me most is that he will usually be interpreted as very loving + his mood swings, i know damn well if Floyd had a gf/bf hes sTILL abiding to himself, now there are some factors that wouldnt keep this true to a default but floyd is floyd

👿Jade HC: He's just as seen in game//no real depth

My take: Its shown during the camp vargas event that Jade is actually extremely excitable and even (according to those around him (i think Cater says it)) that he even shouts in excitement about the natural Oven he was gunna make to cook the fish, Jade is very mannerly and a bit hard to read and its been stated as true, but Jade is also just a fucking nerd as well when you peel back the layers he isnt just that same guy as before

🏜️Scarabia🎆

🎉Kalim HC: Both in HC's and writings a LOT of people drive on the fact of kalims "obliviousness"

My take: NOW THIS ONE MAKES ME THE MOST ANNOYED, Kalim may be happy go lucky and sunshine like, but that motherfucker is AWARE, now you may try and ref Jamil in B4 but- BUT- Jamil is his literal lifelong friend and even if he was blatantly backstabbing at some points Kalim gave him the benefit of doubt, because hes known him all of his life and ik you mfs LYIN if you said you wouldnt for a life long friend... // Also Kalim despite his delivery being happy/sunshine like, Kalim has been shown to have a more feral (similer to Ace) side and even a more snarky side, though rare and playful at most hes not just some 🌞 fr

🐍Jamil HC: Transfem

My take: NOW BEFORE YALL GET MAD, its not the inherit fact that ppl will HC this, do what you want have fun, but i hate that a lot of the reason ppl will HC this, is simply long hair more fem aligned appearance.,,, suddenly men can't have shit,,,, again if you want to i dont really care it just a random irk of mine at most

👑Pomefiore🧪

👑Vil HC: similar to Jamil's and self interest once again

My take: Similar to Jamil, a lot of ppl will HC Vil transf/m due to the fact that within the JP ver, Vil uses a pronoun/self identifier commonly used for/in feminine use, but also for masc use,,, this one is also jus a random irk and i truly do not mind at all but i hate when ppl base of very little things (ik i sound stupid these r jus my opinions LOL)...// Self interest again but Vil's literally in B5 shown to not only not tell anyone but do it on his own whim to post Epel's family product so they can buy out to the point Epel had to give back the crates of Juice his family got him, Vil did that himself, he may be cunt(y) but hes also very considerate

🏹Rook HC: N/A

My take: Surprisingly i see very little HC's of Rook and when i do they make sense to me (Ex: Dark skin and coily/wavy hair, mf was born n raised in Afterglow savanna so even if he has whiter genetics, mf DEFINITELY having darker skin, hes a hunter hes oUTSIDE)

🍏Epel: Transmasc (but for the wrong reasons)

My take: Now of all characters to HC as trans DOES make sense, but also at the same time Epel normally doesnt mind who he is, its only when its used negatively/to mock him or something that he knows ppl will think "less of him" for it,,, this one irks me way less but a lot of ppl will HC/Write epel way more sensitively about himself then he is whether with a trans HC or not, overall though this HC does make the most sense to me

🖥️Ignihyde🎮

💠Idia HC: N/A

My take: Same as Rook, i dont see a lot i dont disagree with or aren't too far from Canon, i will say my fav Idia HC is that hes a complete weeb and has a body pillow of some sort, man wants to be a non normie so bad but fell for the normie weeb traps (body pillow and prolly owns a figurine of the waifu) LOL

🌐Ortho HC: N/A

My take: i dont see a lot of Visual or normal HC's in general for ortho which makes me sad, give my son more swag,,,, i will say i did see a HC that orthos normal body (robo) his shoulders are white boards and people will write stuff on them and that ppl will normally decorate him with stickers :3

❇️Diasomnia⚜️

🐲Malleus: HOO boy theres a lot

My take: way too many to write on this post but i will say that for rom! HC's and writings... MF THIS BITCH GOT NO RIZZ NO SWAGGER, everyone writes or HC's him to be the most romantic mystery dragon prince... brotha this man dont know how to use a phone you think he knows what talkin to a romantic interest + being good at flirting is like?? nuh uh you know damn well that mf askin lillia in near tears what the hell to do

🦇Lillia: Also a lot :(

My take: Doing rom! HC's/Writings again.,,, i feel like in general Lillia would actually avoid personal romances, he wouldn't be like EW ICKY, but considering his past and current responsibilities (Looking after his two sons Mal and Silver and then their cousin Sebek), i think it would be much harder for him to actually be involved in romance

🐊Sebek HC: Also a LOT GAHHH

My take: Now for this one i feel like ppl make Sebek similar to deuce and make him an oblivious dunce, Sebek is smart as hell but he jus doesn't understand customs outside of Fae, hes from Briar valley where most people are fae, and also dont have internet, you cant blame him for being bad at lingo and oblivious to what we would normally know by like age 8../// Also funnily enough i feel like Sebek and Mal get rev for rom HC's (Mal being filled with Swagger while Lillia helps sebek),,, i feel like despite not knowing normal customs,, if Sebek ever pursued someone romantically he would actually not be bad at it, sure a bit lost here n there but i feel like hes got swagger

⚔️Silver HC: That he takes things passively

My take: Silver has been shown to act against others wishes even those with authority (Even more so in B7 but i wont spoil),, Silver often acts as a voice of reason to Sebek as well in those moments but due to Sebeks tunnel vision up until B7, mf wont hear it, and since Silver basically has known Sebek all his life, to see him not press on the matter more in certain aspects is normal, ppl with headstrong siblings know this especially, sometimes you jus gotta be like "okay fine"

🎭Staff👥

In general i feel like a lot of people forget THIS IS AN ENTIRE SCHOOL the game is set in, teachers can take on different classes,,, but theres more teachers than just Vargas, Crewel and Trein, YOU SEE THAT BIG ASS SCHOOL? Theres a least 20 more teachers runnin around that bitch other than the ghosts, but since its a game and not like a series, Obviously they cant jus throw a random teacher every scene

✨Crowley HC: N/A

My take: A lot of HC's are usually just addition to canon or within character so i have no complaints

🐱Trein HC: Also N/A

My take: a lot of HC's for trein r very in character so i honestly dont have any annoyances

🐩Crewel HC: STRICT

My take: as a teacher? yes duh, but as a person? Crewel is definitely cheetah print joint smokin leggings and hello kitty tattoo aunt and classical and fancy wine aunt fusion, soon as mf off the clock hes MESSY in the auntie way

🥇Vargas HC: N/A

My take: now this isnt a HC/Writing but the way EVERYONE CLOWNS VARGAS ATTIRE..... the costumes for crewel n vargas in camp vargas were not bad at all imo, they werent spos to look like runway models or the latest trend that was GOOD costume design for something that was only spos to be VAGUELY seen cuz its DARK

🔮Sam HC: N/A

My take: I rarely see HC's of Sam :(

[phoenix-flamed]

Meet The Mun!

ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘɪᴄᴋ ᴜᴘ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴜʀʀᴇɴᴛ ᴍᴜꜱᴇ(ꜱ) ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ?

Well... To be honest, I don't entirely know. I decided to play the XVI demo when it came out, and at first I was like, "oh no he's hot but he's so dead" when Elwin first showed up. But as soon as the throne room scene started, and he told Clive, "Alright, you can stop licking my boots. Your mother isn't here," I had this intense feeling of, "I need to RP as him." The inspiration just... struck me so unbelievably hard, and I haven't had that happen since like, 2014? Somewhere around there? So I made this blog, the same day, and now here we are!

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ?

Hmm. There are a few subjects that I absolutely won't write, like sexual abuse, CSA, and relations between adults and minors. (Which is one of many reasons why I'm still glaring daggers at XVI's Ultimania book for their listed ages of characters like Anabella and Hanna.) As a general rule of thumb, if it's an intense subject other than those listed above, I'd like to talk and plan it out first, so that all parties are okay with it and no one gets shocking/dark content sprung on them unexpectedly.

ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ᴡʀɪᴛɪɴɢ?

Heeheehee. Horror, actually -- most specifically, psychological horror. The last fandom before this one that I was hardcore devoted to was for Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs. As much as I love angst, fluff, drama, silliness, adventure, fighting(although I am super, super rusty with this one), etc., horror is the sort of dark content that I love. Give me brutality and torture, give me gore, give me body horror, give me psychological terror. Give me the fucked up and the disturbing, and you'll have me doing the M. Bison "Yes! YES!" thing.

ʜᴏᴡ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ?

Inspiration, mostly. I try and twist ideas around so that they're at least vaguely plausible in canon, but really it's a matter of inspiration -- if an idea jumps out at me and really resonates with me regarding my muse, then it gets mulled over until it's fleshed out enough to be written as a headcanon.

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇ ɪɴ ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴏʀ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀʏ ᴍᴜꜱɪᴄ?

Definitely play music. To be honest, I listen to music most of the time as it is, when I'm not talking with people. (And even then, sometimes when I'm on vc, I have music playing very quietly in the background.) It's not an inspiration thing, or anything like that; it's just that music is what keeps me focused. Grounded, I guess, so that my brain doesn't float away and get distracted by 100 different things while running in another 100 different directions all at the same time. It acts as a sort of tether to keep me on track!

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʀᴇᴘʟɪᴇꜱ ᴏʀ ᴡɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇᴍ?

It depends. Sometimes, inspiration smacks me upside the head with a brick for writing a particular reply. Other times, I have bits and pieces of ideas for various parts of the reply, but I have to sit with it for a while and map it out in my head first, if that makes sense? Then I can actually physically write it out, reread it over and over, and make adjustments as necessary. But much of that is also because I have the awful tendency to overthink constantly...

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ꜱʜɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ?

Yes! As long as there's chemistry between the two muses, definitely. My favorite thing is when characters grow closer over time, and love grows that way -- but I'm not at all opposed to jumping head-first into the deep end if the chemistry is good enough and the muses just... naturally click.

ᴡʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴀʟɪᴀꜱ/ɴᴀᴍᴇ?

Vonny! (Thanks, Von Leon, for inspiring my nickname, you depressed sadsack.)

ᴀɢᴇ?

34, going on 35!

ʙɪʀᴛʜᴅᴀʏ?

June 29th. :D

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ(ꜱ)?

Burgundy, various shades of blue, lavender!

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴏɴɢ(ꜱ)?

I'm predictable; I listen to mostly video game soundtracks, especially Final Fantasy ones. I also really love Miracle of Sound and Aviators, with an actual example of a favorite-favorite song being Aviator's "Blood and Snow". There's also so many others... But we'll be here all night if I name off all of my favorite songs.

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴍᴏᴠɪᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

I started watching the remake of "All Quiet On The Western Front", ... but then got distracted. I should finish it...

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱʜᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀᴛᴄʜᴇᴅ?

Uh. Well, technically, the last show I watched was the first episode of The Last Czars... Yet another thing I meant to watch more of, but got distracted. Aside from that, I've been watching a bunch of Jack Patillo and Matt Bragg streams, if those count?

ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴏɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪꜱᴛᴇɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ?

Miracle of Sound feat. Aviators, "Let There Be Fire"!

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜰᴏᴏᴅ?

I ... don't actually know. Pepperoni pizza, I suppose?

ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ?

It used to be winter because of snow, but now it's summer or fall. I like summer because of the sunshine and hotter temperatures, but hate the storms that come with it. I like fall because while it's cooler, there are significantly less storms... (Can you tell I'm terrified of storms?)

ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ?

There are a few! In addition to one of my RL partners, I won't name any names but some of these friends have also been there for me through some serious bullshit. I'm eternally grateful to have met all of them -- and to have them in my life. I just hope they know who they are, if they see this!

Tagged By: @origami-assassin and @lastflowerpetal -- thank you both!!

Tagging: Everyone who sees this and hasn't already done it! Consider yourself tagged!!!

[escape-from-arcadia]

To The Ends of Our World: Prologue and Chapter 1

A Pre-Canon Douxie-centric Wizards Fic

A wicked king, a runaway sorceress, and a young boy... Ever since the disappearance of his mother left him under the care of Master Wizard Merlin Ambrosius, Hisirdoux Casperan has tried to be a good child. He is diligent in his work and studies, and his boundless enthusiasm for all things magical never wavers. All he hopes is that one day his efforts will be enough to become a master wizard himself and bring his mother back home. But on his thirteenth birthday, everything changes. Sudden flashes of memories that occur at seemingly random times and secrets Douxie's mother tried so desperately to keep hidden begin to spill out into the light. Douxie is starting to uncover a plot far greater than anything he ever could have imagined, but can the young apprentice evade the people trying to keep him from learning the truth of his mother's disappearance? What is it that they're trying so desperately to keep hidden? And will Douxie like what he finds?

General content warning for dark themes (abuse, mild gore, violence, depression). More tags will be added to the AO3 work as the story is written since most don't appear until later in the work. However, you can expect content involving torture, suicide, and a major (and a minor) character death in future chapters. There may be other untagged things that I haven't thought of yet or planned on.

Hi.

I'm back.

Maybe.

Long Convoluted Author's Notes Under the Cut:

I'm not doing particularly well (guess who got a mild case of Covid a week before winter break? lol), but here to say I've started a new fic. I like writing angst when I'm sad. And this slightly convoluted pre-Wizards origin story came to me in a dream. I planned most of it out, wrote the prologue and a few chapters, published it, and realized that since all of my content is now on archive-lock, I should probably promote the fic here.

So here we are.

No update schedule.

No minimum (or maximum) chapter word count.

No clue when it ends.

No beta.

We ball.

So this story doesn't have a hidden meaning or big message you should get by the end of it. It's just an angsty mystery drama with some cliches just because. And the ending (I know what the ending is for once, yes) is very cliche and annoying because it lets me say "Nothing is stopping me from making this canon!" Anyway...

You'll get to see a take on a younger Douxie and Merlin's very...complicated relationship with him. You'll see another interpretation of how Douxie and Archie meet!! You'll see a 17-year old Zoe!!! You'll meet two (2)!!! OCs I suddenly came up with while planning out this story!!!!!! One is a mean lesbian and the other is a cool cleric!!! You'll also see Douxie's mom!!!! Because she is very plot-relevant!!!

I was scared of publishing this fic because compared to a lot of the stuff I've written before (especially coming out of ADAU - I still owe y'all posts), this is much darker. I've written stories about time loops and the inevitability of death and somehow the existentialistic dread I got from writing that left me less unsettled than this fic. To be fair, I'm not working with a beta so this might actually be a lot lighter than I think it is. But compared to my other works, it is...a few shaders darker.

If you do read the fic, I'd be really glad to hear your feedback and comments. Yell at me if there are typos (because stars know I'll miss something as I'm editing). Ask me questions. And if you think there is something there that needs to be tagged, please let me know; I'll add it to the AO3 work tags.

All this is to say that I am very grateful if you managed to read this entire post. Thank you for bearing with me and this blog being...something. It's been abandoned and resurrected several times, and my relationship with this fandom is still a little bit funky. But hey, I've learned to make stuff for myself and on my own time. And if this content isn't your particular cup of tea, you can always not read it. And this blog is just for fun, no pressure to make content, so yeah. I'm going to have fun on the internet.

I guess I'm back.

P.S. I am yearning for more people I can share these darker fics/AUs with, but I'm also very anxious and very busy. Just saying, if anyone has Discord (or a server) and/or doesn't mind sporadic appearances that may or may end up leading to very long conversations, my DMs are open.

[nanabansama]

idk why but do u think that it's possible that mitsuba is going to be associated with a lot of certain threes later on?

first, he came from a family of three – him and his parents

second, he met and reintroduced himself to kou for like three times – in middle school, where he tried to change himself to make friends and failed; then his jshk debut, where he was being himself and properly bonds with kou before it was cut short thanks to tsukasa; and as his supernatural self, losing all memories of ever meeting kou and desperately accepted (though forced i guess) in becoming no. 3 just to stay in the near shore

and lastly, he died/was removed from the near shore three times – his death as human mitsuba; his death as wandering spirit mitsuba; and then his removal as supernatural mitsuba

or perhaps i'm just overthinking but i got a feeling that mitsuba finally dies near the end..? just to make his soul rest in peace instead of clinging to the world of the living but i might just be overthinking

sorry for the rambling! i think it's just hilarious (or depressing) that mitsuba is living up to his name of being associated with three

This is such a great ask, thank you for sending it!!! ♡

I don't actually have much to add, but I think you're really onto something. Thematically, it would be really fitting for Mitsuba to die again, and I can't rule out the possibility...

...However... I just think AidaIro is secretly a big softie! I feel like they love Mitsuba too much to give him a bad ending. Especially after working on this manga for so long and getting attached to all their characters. While I'm not expecting the happiest ending for Hanako-kun, I'm not expecting pure misery, either.

As a side note, while some may point out AidaIro has written tragic stories like My Dear Living Dead before, they've also written stories with happy endings. Half-baked Snow White is one such example... and even in MDLD, Cult and Lily still end up together, so...!? (Rejoice, Hananene fans?!)

Slightly related to the topic at hand, I personally think the characters with the biggest death flags right now are Sumire, No. 6, and Tsukasa.

I think Sumire and Tsukasa are pretty self-explanatory, but in the case of No. 6, I think that if Sumire died again then it would be bittersweet if he went with her.

This doesn't mean Mitsuba can't die either, but if he does, then I feel like we're gonna have to hold a loooot of funerals... (We'll see!)

[hanjo-love]

Now I became selfish and I hope the shard is showing Hanji being saved by Kiyomi or something. She go the worst treatment and if Isayama was afraid of the backslash like you said why make it even worse with those parallels with eremika? Is he preparing the Fandom for another levihan moment? I'm tired of EVERYONE surviving but her, Kiyomi's kindness really??? And Onyankopon, while I don't hate him, he survived a plane crash and he doesn't add much yet he is there for being the editor's favorite, Yelena is there after all she did and she adds even less, and the people titanized will revert to human (or at the very least Isayama's favorites will).

Oh anonie, you and me both my friend, you and me both 😔 Beware, a long rant-ish meta is ahead of you lol

I have absolutely no fucking idea why Yams decided to treat Hanjo like shit. You know, after a long time of denying her death, I was starting to accept it, because she was finally free, free of the burden and pain and finally reunited with the people she missed and longed for the most. But then Yams decided to slap us all in the faces saying there's no happy & peaceful afterlife in snk and Hanjo was probs only hallucinating because of her 4 years long depression? Well then, fuck you Yams! What was that even for? Isayama never backed off of showing us the horrors of death in snk, no matter how important the characters and how brutal their deaths really were. Still, he never showed us Hanji's actual death or dead body. He kept it misterious and his vague answers only made it worse. So it's only natural for us to expect a plot twist, right? That's the reason all of us gathered various hints in the manga, anime and his interviews. And lemme tell you, these theories are far more logical, better explained and have less plot holes than the entire final arc smh (yes I'm salty, fight me lol)

I hate to admit it, my inner self is still in denial and fighting, but Hanjo ain't coming back folks. We won't get any background story and the misterious shard will never be explained to us either. Yams had more than enough time to bring Hanjo back, if he truly wanted to. But he didn't. And now with only one chapter and so many unanswered questions left, there's no time for Hange's return. Why would he even do that anyways? Hanjo isn't important to him or to the story anymore. To us she is, always was and always will be ❤️ You know, I'm so fucking desperate to see her again, I'll even take one last panel of Levi remembering her, just like in ch136. Yams just let us see Hanjo one more fucking time 🙏🏻 I need to say my proper goodbyes to my one&only comfort character, who's influenced my life like no one else ever did ❤️

Back to Levihan (I don't think I can answer an ask without my biased and trashy shipper ass butting in lmfao): the question why Yams confirmed Levihan as canon if he didn't intend to bring Hange back and reunite her with Levi to make us him happy again? Well, isn't it obvious? This man is the devil incarnate. THIS MAN HAS NO FUCKING CHILLS lmfao JK y'all before someone declares war on me and my blog haha Well anonie, I feel like Yams really wanted to confirm his initially planned ships as canon, before the manga ends. And he chose the safest way possible. Easy as that. Also he said he is going for a bittersweet ending and what's more tragic (in this literal hell) than separating lovers, ergo Eremika and Levihan.

Now to something else, that's been bothering me for a while now and I'll use your ask anonie to share my thoughts with the world even though nobody asked lmao tbh I'm a bit disappointed with Armin. I love him, I really do. He's my precious cinnamon roll and my fave 104th kiddo. But honestly, I was expecting a bit more of the alleged "hero who will safe humanity". In fact, I'm sure Hanjo only died for Armin to become the new commander. That's it. That was the reason she had to die. Yams glossed over her to make Armin shine. But in fact, Levi's the one who's giving orders ever since Hange has left them. I might me salty, but I really hope the talk with Zeke (and probs Ymir as well, we still might have a chance to see the dialog that made Ymir change her mind) and his titan nuke weren't the only things he did as "humanity's hero" in this final arc. For some people this might me enough, for me it isn't. It wasn't worth Hange's sacrifice. Also what made me really sad was Armin himself glossing over Hanjo when he remembered Erwin Danchou, but not her. Like she didn't just pass away an hour ago to save their pathetic asses. Ugh this is making me hella mad, ngl. Hanjo didn't deserve this treatment! She gave her all for this! To save the alliance, to "pay the price" for her "sins" as the SC commander and to save humanity. I can't deal with how all of them and the fandom apparently forgot about that.

Now on to "Kiyomi's kindness" lol I wasn't really mad at Gabi for saying this as most of the fandom was. I won't go into detail why she isn't really a rationally thinking character (yo guys, you do remember she's a 12 year old kid, right?), but it's a fact that she didn't care for Hange enough to mention her. I mean, why would she? She barely even knew her. Also we don't really know what's gonna happen with Yelena, Kiyomi and her delegation. I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but I feel like Kiyomi accepted her death with saying "that's not enough atonement for what I did anyway". I mean they don't know if the alliance will win (they probably think they won't) and they're in the middle of literally nowhere. So I feel like Gabi said that because Kiyomi sacrificed herself (and the others on that ship) willingly, for Gabi, Falco and Annie getting a little chance of surviving and helping the alliance. But I get the rage of the fandom. Especially because no one, except for Levi, remembered Hange after her noble sacrifice.

As for Yelena and Onyankopon, there obviously has to be someone from outside of Paradis to survive the rumbling, otherwise it wouldn't make a lot of sense, I guess. I like Onyankopon a hecking lot ❤️ precious boi was literally crying for Hanjo 😭 Yelena on the other hand deserves what she got. Death would be too easy and kind for her tbh. She has to live with the consequences, just like Kiyomi, so I'm actually glad they survived. So my guess is, it's not really about who's Yams' favorite and what these people are contributing to the story, but it's rather about a logical ending and a good conclusion of the story.

I agree with you about the ones who have been titanized. They'll for sure revert back to humans. It's not really Yams' style to kill of an important character like Gabi, whose character development he's been forcing on us for quite a while now lol. I'm pretty positive about an ending with the titan curse being broken and bringing the titanized people back to human beings (probs also the millions of colossal titans?). It's only natural for Yams to end the story with the titan curse being lifted. Otherwise it wouldn't make sense to end his story at this point. But let's not forget what a big ass troll Yams is lmao you never really know what he's up to, so let's prepare for the unimaginable lmfao

I'll probably never forgive Isayama for what he did to Hange, his best written character, how he completely ruined her and threw her away as disposable, just to make other characters "shine". HER DEATH WAS POINTLESS AND IT DID NOT FUCKING CHANGE ANYTHING! That's the harsh truth y'all. Yams betrayed Hanjo and us AND FOR WHAT?

Thanks for the ask anonie and sorry I turned this into my personal rant lmao hope you still enjoy reading my thoughts on this ❤️

[lovethisletters]

The angel and hopelessness

Honestly I don't even know what this is, I think a one-shot with an omniscient narrator but also...I just think this is some sort of writing rant(? I didn't have any clear view of what I wanted to write and I sort of...just went along with it and this is the end result...I guess (?) Idk I'm confused.

TW: Implied depression, self-destructive behavior and angst.

Disclaimer/additional notes: this is a one-shot written with an omniscient narrator andMC doesn't make an appearance here.

This is not a Simeon×Lucifer btw, this is all just from a platonic perspective!

Also!!!! I highly recommend listening to the song featured below for a better more immersive experience!

Summary: Simeon deals with his own guilt left after the celestial war and tries to re-establish his relationship with the brothers, however he soon learns how much self-pity can blind one's perspective.

▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️

“Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness.

Listen to it carefully.”

― Richard Bach

 The mornings in the Devildom have always been dark, but today you wonder... is it that your heart has been heard by the clouds that cover the sky and they’ve had a little sympathy?

That fantasy seems to lessen your grief, but still, you can't smile like always; right now, your body feels too heavy… it just can't.

You are about to pray like every morning ... but for some reason you feel that the words you are trying to formulate will vanish between sobs as soon as they leave your mouth.

So you decide to lie down on the floor for a while.

“Simeon, you should rest a bit, otherwise, Luke and I are going to end up carrying you back to your room.”

Solomon's words resonate in your mind and you just remember the expression of pure concern you saw in Luke from the corner of your eye when the sorcerer mentioned your pitiful appearance.

You laughed it off like it wasn’t a big deal; but deep down you knew no one is going to believe that bullshit anymore.

At least…not after what happened.

A past such as yours can only be ignored for so long…especially when the ones who are part of it and you’ve hurt are right in front of you.

Call it nativity or overly optimistic but when you first herd you had been selected for the exchange program there was this one thought that completely took over your mind:

“Do what’s right.”

You hadn't spoken to the brothers in a long time and there was still so much left to say.

And you tried, you really did!

But every time they even felt that you were about to bring up the subject, they changed it or even started fighting over…whatever. All to prevent you from starting that fearsome conversation.

So you let it be.

“Perhaps If I use a different approach…”

They may not want to talk, but you can feel their emotions, it is your special talent after all. You can feel their pain and you know that even though they appear fine they have not yet healed.

You feel that you can drown in their hardships and every day it is more difficult to pretend that nothing is happening.

You try again, this time with more tact and respecting the space that has been given to you.

Inside you there is still the hope that one day everything will go back to the way it was before.

But...sooner or later you must understand that wounds like these will always be open.

"Lucifer! Wait! "

You pushed too far and now the little pieces of the puzzle you managed to connect are breaking apart once again.

“No, Simeon! I don’t need your pity!”

Everything was going great, the two of you where reminiscing about the past after Mammon mentioned a funny anecdote that made Lucifer laugh, but then…you had to ruin everything, didn’t you?

You had to mention her name.

Everyone in the room froze, yet you didn’t stop! You went on a ramble of how you wished things could’ve been different.

If it weren’t because Satan placed a hand on your shoulder, stopping you from saying anything else, perhaps you would have missed the expression on his face.

And then you saw it.

Lucifer’s face twisted in anger, his eyes betraying him and threatening tears slipping from the corner of his eyes…

What a heartbreaking sight…who knew a demon could cry like that?...

“Lucifer! I’m sorry!”

The Demon stopped in his tracks, yet he didn’t dare to face you.

“I’m sorry…that I- I didn’t…do more, I’m sorry that I was there and didn’t said anything! I’m sorry for abandoning you!”

The words you’ve been holding since you came here finally slipped out with such ease yet so much pain you didn’t even realized you had started crying.

“I’m sorry, I truly am, I’ve should’ve done something…”

You took a step forward.

“But please, Lucifer, I don’t want to lose you again, brother.”

Silence, but then…a small and quiet “laugh” was heard.

“Brother, you say?”

His tone was tranquil yet his words where infected in such poisonous rage.

“Simeon, I can think of many words to describe you, but brother is no longer one of them.”

It ached; not only in your heart but in your memories and hopes.

“Lucifer…”

A whisper that intended to reach his hearth, yet it was lost and never found in this void of hopelessness.

“I never blamed you for it, I truly never did…It hurt me, yes, that you hadn’t joined us in our fight, in our grief, but never once I thought it was your fault.”

And slowly he turned once again towards you, his eyes hollow and devoid of any emotion.

“I never wanted to believe it, but I guess is true. Isn’t it, Simeon? Angels truly are selfish beings.”

There are no words to describe the horrid hit of truth. Fast and unforgiving of our own bubble.

“Don’t insult my sister’s memory with your self-centeredness.”

You don’t know when everyone left or how much time you stood there frozen, eyes lost in nothingness.

You only felt the small hand of Luke grasping your own and slowly guiding your zombie-like body towards the exit.

And now here you are, days later, unable to shake off those words now heavy in your mind; not allowing any thoughts to slip by.

But, how could you?

There was no lie in that demon’s words.

So caught up in your own feelings that you were unable to truly understand how others were hurting.

And you call yourself an angel?

A glance at the mirror in the side of your bed and you feel like now you can see it.

“We angels…truly are…pitiful beings.”

 A truth that binds you in hopelessness…

▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️▫️▪️

If you find any grammatical errors let me know! I'm trying to improve my english and that would help me so so much!

I will forever thank you if you go check out my other profile: @aileysmirnov  where I post things about my OC: edits, one-shots, imagines, art, etc. If you like Greek mythology and the bat family maybe you would get to be as fond of her as much as I am!

Anyway, thank you for reading!

[damienthepious]

also. also because. i am a gremlin. and i shall die of Emotions and take you with me apparently. ["From yourself?" Amaryllis says, her brow furrowed with worry. "Look, I- I know this is uncomfortable, Arum, but- but I know that you've tried to get Damien to- to-"] to ["If you had managed to convince Damien to do it, it'd be cruel, first of all. He doesn't deserve that kind of guilt weighing on him. And second, again, you would be dead, Arum.] please thank i am lov u

[Pick a short passage from any fanfic I’ve written and send it to me, and I’ll give you the equivalent of a DVD commentary on that snippet]

you’re not a gremlin you are valid and i love you. that is a LONG PASSAGE THO, so BUCKLE UP. Also cw for discussion of depression, suicide, and suicidal thoughts below the cut. fun times with soft fic! or somethingggg

fun fact before we begin! Originally, this conversation was supposed to happen... before the i-love-you confessions. This was supposed to be broken down before they admitted that they cared for each other romantically, but i was having a shitton of trouble working out the trajectory and the ending of the scene, like, what the actual resolution was, and I couldn’t figure out how to make it work in time when all the other stuff in the chapter was good to go. And THEN it was supposed to happen right after the i-love-yous, but that felt SO busy and SO sloppy, so it kept getting shifted backward-

which wound up being kind of a blessing, i think? because here’s the thing- this scene is TENSE, here, and Rilla pushes pretty hard- but the older version was... kind of a FIGHT. Arum was much more aggressive about it, and there was a line in there for a long time- something like You will be gone this time tomorrow ANYWAY, Amaryllis. What does it matter? And then Rilla had this fucking heartbreaking- Missing you and MOURNING you are not the SAME THING, are you even LISTENING to yourself? and there was just... a lot more harshness to the whole thing. I’m glad it got to settle out, and I’m glad they were in a place to be softer with each other for this. It was too important to me that they addressed this, and i didn’t want it to get waysided.

obviously depression and suicidality aren’t things that have easy fixes, and love is not a Cure for mental illness, but i wanted it to be clear that a) rilla and damien are aware of arum’s non-physical hurts and care about them, too, and b) they are an expansion of Arum’s support network, which is SUPER important when coping with mental illness!

The Keep did the best it could, I think, but when it was just the two of them it was harder for the Keep to know what to do when Arum was deep in a depressive episode, and... well, they have a mental link, right? so I kind of assumed... they might share at least shades of this as well. Arum’s depression gets bad, the Keep is probably not having a good time just then either. Harder to take care of each other while you don’t even know how to take care of yourself. But! the initial point! expanding their collective support system is SO important to learning how to better cope with Arum’s mental illness, which has been running him pretty ragged while his physical injuries had him in traction.

Anyway. ANYWAY. the actual section you requested.

["From yourself?" Amaryllis says, her brow furrowed with worry. "Look, I- I know this is uncomfortable, Arum, but- but I know that you've tried to get Damien to- to-"] The reason why Rilla is leading this conversation is partially because Damien hasn’t fully discussed this with her, mostly out of a concern for... like... not betraying Arum’s trust? What happened between Damien and Arum was between them, and Damien wasn’t comfortable outright blurting that to Rilla. This was one of the ones that doesn’t get told. Not directly at least. Another reason why Damien takes a verbal backseat here is that... well.. he’s already said his piece to Arum on this front. The waters brought you here to live is a pretty definitive statement, yeah?

["What? Wh-what did you tell her?" Arum says, turning towards Damien, and he means to snap but his tone sounds more hurt than furious. Damien only sits, his hands clasped in his lap, his lips pressed tight together. "What did you say, knight?"] And, clearly, Damien’s instincts on that front were right. Arum is mortified by the idea that Damien would have aired his (as Arum thinks of it) weakness, and hopelessness. He’s hurt, that Damien might tell on him when it doesn’t matter because it didn’t happen, and he doesn’t feel that way now so clearly it doesn’t matter-

["He didn't tell me anything, Arum." She shakes her head, angling her body a bit more between them, leaning closer.] Rilla knows him too well by now. Tries to head off that hurt/anger and get them on track.

["Nothing specific, at least, but I'm not stupid. I heard you goading him plenty of times, and he said you told him about your- your work before we left, and he said that if he killed you then, it wouldn't have been a slaying and really there's only one way to interpret that evidence-" she pauses, cringes, bites her lip. "You tried to get Damien to kill you."] “it wouldn’t have been a slaying” was always a particular... phrasing that hurt me, i guess you could say.

[Arum freezes, his mouth going dry.] Arum does not like being confronted with his own weaknesses, as he sees them. He especially doesn’t want Amaryllis of all people to know about this- bad enough that Damien had to know.

["I don't know if it was because of guilt or- or depression or panic about the trip or what, but- but I already told you, Arum. I didn't put in all this hard work just for you to die. Just for you to throw all of it away-"] It was, in all honestly, a combination of these factors. Which is part of why Arum continues to panic. he’s still not really used to being seen, especially not in such a vulnerable way.

["I am home, Amaryllis," he manages in a whisper. "You brought me home. There will certainly be no reason for me to- to endanger myself now."] When you’re suicidal, it’s kind of hard to imagine what it’s like to not be suicidal. When you’re out of one of those valleys, it’s kind of hard to remember how deep they can feel. he doesn’t want to think about it. he’s happy right now. he has more than he could have ever dreamed possible, so it’s really hard for him to conceptualize that moment, right now. It’s hard, and it hurts.

["No?" she says weakly. "There wasn't any reason for you to try to goad Damien into killing you back in the hut, either, Arum, but you did it anyway."] no reasons that make sense outside of Depression Brain, at least.

["I-" Arum glances away again, his hand flexing, but she reaches out and takes one of his hands, squeezing tight. His eyes flick to Sir Damien, sitting quiet though his worried eyes are fixed on the pair of them. "I- that was- different-"] He has SUCH a hard time articulating this. Combine that with the fact that he really HATES talking about it. Lizard is having a panic.

["Different how, Arum?"] Rilla is pushing really hard, here, for good reason. She’s terrified that he might pull something after they leave. she hasn’t been away from him barely at ALL in MONTHS, and now she knows he’s suicidal, which is compounding the terror she already has about leaving him. She wants to protect him, from other monsters, from knights, from himself if she needs to. She loves him and she wants him to be safe and happy and if she needs to gently bully him through an uncomfortable conversation then by the fucking saints-

["I did not want you to endanger yourself for me, Amaryllis," he hisses, turning towards her with his tail thrashing. "You- you make the world less cruel, by your actions, your choices, your existence. The both of you. You try, if nothing else, and for you to leap to action and danger for my sake is- was-"] And he breaks. That was the real kicker of it, y’know? She found out that he needed to go home for his Keep and she buckled down, for him, after he had just been confronted with evidence of his former work and the ways it had directly harmed a human he loves. How could he possibly feel like he deserved that sort of care, that sort of consideration? How could he allow her to risk her own safety to get him home? He failed the Keep, he failed her, he failed himself-

in that moment, he was utterly certain that it was better for him to simply set them ALL back in their places. Amaryllis might be unhappy that he was gone, but it would be precisely the same hurt that she would have when she left him at home anyway, wouldn’t it? (pro-tip: No It Wouldn’t) Damien would simply return to being the knight he was always meant to be, and the Keep could grow a new familiar, unburdened by his distant, useless weight (pro-tip: No They Wouldn’t). And there would be no more risk to any of them for his sake. 

[She stares up into his eyes, her hand clasped tight around his wrist, and he clenches his teeth and pretends that his throat is not aching.] It is so hard to explain this to her. Especially while he is... currently fairly distant from the feeling. He’s keyed up, emotionally, because of his renewed proximity to the keep, and because of the giddiness of newly-admitted love. Literally everything feels like A Lot, right now. but this? next level distress.

["If helping me destroyed you, it would be the worst of cruelties I have inflicted upon this world. And I, Amaryllis, have inflicted more than my share of cruelties already."] ouch. I feel like i’ve already unpacked this so just. ouch.

["So you try to take yourself out of the picture instead? Arum-"] She’s horrified. She understands the particularities of Damien’s anxiety by now, how bad that can get, but Arum’s been pretty internal with his own mental health stuff and whatever hints she’s been catching have been somewhat obscured as possibly just... responses to the physical trauma? Him being actively suicidal when he was basically out of the woods physically is... hard for her to cope with.

["The little knight did not bite when provoked regardless, so I hardly see how it matters," Arum growls, and in his periphery he sees Damien flinch, his head ducking.] oh poor Damien. Thinking about how close he actually did come, to ‘biting’

[Amaryllis' grip on his wrist tightens. "You do know that's not comforting, right?] It’s really not. Putting the onus on Damien like that- god, fuck. [It matters because I- because we love you, and because if you die, Arum, you'll be dead. Even if you were trying to protect us in some roundabout way-"] back when this scene was placed before the i-love-yous, that line was “It matters because I- because I care about you,” for... obvious reasons. Rilla, unsurprisingly, is about as bad as Damien is, at hiding her feelings once she admits to them the first time.

[Arum flinches, and she pauses, pressing her lips together for a moment as she visibly chooses a different phrasing.] She knows him well enough by now to understand that he’s flinching because saying that it was altruistic to want to protect him... she knows she shouldn’t push against that.

["If you had managed to convince Damien to do it, it'd be cruel, first of all. He doesn't deserve that kind of guilt weighing on him. And second, again, you would be dead, Arum.] It would be cruel. I think about Rilla’s assessment of Damien from Treacherous Heart sometimes, about the potential deadliness of real guilt for Damien... if he really broke in that moment and loosed that arrow- it would have destroyed him. Especially at that point, when he cared about Arum, even if he didn’t have any proper context to fit that care into, and when he knows how much this creature means to Rilla- RILLA’S heartbreak if she had to come back to that- to that? when she thinks she’s coming back to pack him up for home? when she knows that she loves Arum but is forcing herself to ignore it and push it down and away? Arum killing himself by Damien’s hand in that moment would have destroyed all of them, in a way. but! hey, that’s not the kind of fic i write, yeah? oof. I just think about what-if’s a lot and make myself sad.

Rilla’s emphasis on the kind of hyper-obvious here is... deliberate, also. if you died you’d be dead is something of a redundant statement, duh, but also like... the permanent consequences of a temporary state of mind are fucking important, and Rilla needs to make sure that he understands what he nearly did, and why it matters, and why she’s SCARED for him.

anyway this was a whole fuck of a lot. i hope any of this is interesting or enjoyable and not just. heavy. whoops.

[cagedinreality]

Defsoul lyrics part 1/?

Okay this will be some kind of analysis. Since I already think about this all the time I thought I might as well share it. I'm sorry in advance....

So let's say Jackbum is real. Because my blog is obviously about them and I believe that they are a couple.

There was that video when Jb was making Rainy and we could see his process of making a song.

So Jaebum used his pictures as reference for making the story of the song and he wrote the lyrics afterwards right? I believe that when an artist is making something, especially musicians who write their own lyrics, write about their own experience. This might not always be the case, BUT... in Jaebum's lyrics, we can often see the same pattern, like how he wants to hold someones hand, like how he tells the other person to look only at him and so on...

Jackson said himself that Jb wrote Look from his experience. So he knows.

So let's guess that all these songs are about the same person.

Now, we have two sides of Defsoul's music. The first one is the first volume, where he talks about his passion and lust for the person and how he can't take his eyes off of them. The second one is the depressing brake up lyrics in Vol. 2. In the third volume, we have a mix of the previous 2. In some songs he says how he wants to hold the person forever, in others how he doesn't care if the person leaves him. But he DOES CARE. That is the point. He is trying to convince himself that he wouldn't care, but deep down he knows that he cares too much about that person.

Idols are busy. They don't have a lot of time gor dating. So this person would need to be someone close enough to him.

And then we have this void of Jackbum moments in the end of 2017 and beginning of 2018.

(I've been listening to Got7 since March of 2018 so I don't know much about this time but when I watched videos and lives from this time I did notice how Seunnie wasn't as clingy to Jaebum like he was in Just right and Hard carry era. But now they are being all over each other again 😭)

Jaebum released Vol. 2 in January, I believe, with lyrics of hatered, pain and wanting to forget the person who hurt him. So were his words directed at Jackson? We will never know. Some of it might have been because of the "brakeup" but he might not have written everything about Js but only channeled his emotions to make songs related to brakeup.

Jackson also released Okay in the end of 2017. Lyrics about how someone hurt him but he will be okay without them.

Jaebum does the same thing. Convinces himself that he won't care if the person leaves him but he does.

Rainy is the song he wrote during the Look era when they started acting like before again. Well... they weren't the same but at least they didn't ignore each other.

Again, the same thing. Not being able to let someone go. Because he doesn't want to.

So as I said, in Vol. 3 we have a mix of the two sides. I think some of the songa were written earlier, when they were still apart, but they didn't make it in Vol.2 (its funny to think about how much time Jb spent writing these that he has so many that they cant fit in one mixtape) and the other half was written after they got together.

But then we have Lost from Vol. 1. About how the relationship is not the same anymore and he lost them. So either 1)he is talking about two different people 2) he is making up the experience (which is also fine).

A lot of the songs Jb wrote for Got7 also have the same pattern like his solo songs, but there are already a few analyses about these on tumblr.

So the conclusion is that not every song that Jb writes has to be about Jackson and they don't have to be written all at the same time the mixtape is released. Actually I don't know what the conclusion is....these were just some of my thoughts. I might do more of these when I get the insipiration lol.

I wish that every romantic and lovely song Jaebum writes is for Jackson, but that might not be realistic, so let's just wait for Jackson to expose his boyfriend like he did with Prove it and Sunrise...and then we will know.

[dzpenumbra]

9/9/22

So I've been super stressed for the past few days. Who am I kidding, the past few weeks. But especially the past few days, because the gears are finally turning on the big move and it's actually looking real. I've been in this house for 5 1/2 years, before this one I was in a renovated garage on my parents property for about 6 years just one town over. Before that was college. I moved to Boston back in 2013ish... but only for a few months and I moved to be with a friend and make music. I've kinda been stuck here since I moved back.

Now, I'm planning a move about 2 hours away. I have a location picked out, it's an old renovated mill that I used to visit occasionally when I was on my break year from college 15 damn years ago. I have the application filled out, a cover letter written to explain my employment situation. It's been a big day. The catch is that this place doesn't have any units open until December.

I have a tendency to put all my eggs in one basket. I try to give whatever pulls me in the strongest my absolute attention. Maybe that's an ADD survival technique, otherwise I'll wander off or lose focus, or won't be able to choose or something. I think I might have developed this hyperfixation and attachment as a way to quickly find things I care about, that resonate with me, and link to them.

I've been exploring this ADD thing recently. It was my first real "diagnosis", depression and anxiety are kinda... duh diagnoses, who the fuck doesn't have those... ADD (specifically the Inattentive subtype) was the first label slapped on my forehead to explain why I was a really fucking smart kid but a shitty student. I remember vividly, when I failed out of college my first year - because of weed freakouts, a bad mushroom trip, and no friends to process those with, but I wasn't about to tell my conservative mom that... - we went to some person who did a bunch of testing. I apparently tested really high with IQ shit and other stuff, but I guess ADD was a factor they decided to narrow down on. I've always blown it off as a factor in my life.

The OCD stuff is pretty obvious, the PTSD stuff I think is pretty obvious, but to me, the ADD was always obscured because my best friend in high school had very run of the mill ADHD. I always compared to that and went "I know what ADD looks like, I'm not that" and just assumed everyone else was like me. Welp, turns out, nope. So yeah, maybe ADD is a good label to help find other people who think like me, or act like me, I don't know.

I feel like that's why we really feel gratification when we get "diagnoses", which is basically just like "we noticed this pattern in your behavior". Getting a label puts you in a category of people. You're no longer the dysfunctional person, the broken one, the one who's acting weird. You have a name for it, you can seek others who have it, you're not alone anymore. But I'll tell ya, nothing repels you away from that quite like being misdiagnosed and trying to meet people through that diagnosis. That was me with epilepsy and man, I am straight up cringing just thinking about how humiliated I was when the neurologist told me I 100% didn't have it. Meanwhile, the past few months I had been wearing medical alert dogtags around. So I kinda only put one foot in with that stuff now, which is good, I guess.

I'm making progress moving towards this new life and it feels like it's growing closer and closer. I visited an old friend's stream tonight, one of my old regulars. I realized I hadn't been on stream or Discord in like 6 months. He was genuinely shocked to see me. It was nice to run into someone who recognized me, and recognized me fondly. I spent a few hours with him watching him play Rimworld. I was the only person talking in chat, which is always a bit weird, but whatever. There were two other "friends" who dropped in, basically just talked about themselves, then left. Some fuckin friends. That's probably why he was so excited to see me, he got nervous and lit up. Because I'm a good friend. I engage, I make jokes, I ask questions, I stick around as long as I can. If I had a few friends like me, I'd be golden. That doesn't sound egotistical at all! XD

I'm preparing to stream again, I made a page-long list of things to do on stream, just to start. I contacted my brother, who I haven't really talked to in like 2 years since a big fight, despite him living 5 minutes away. I asked him to make music for my stream. He seemed into it. We'll see where that goes. Things are weird there, I'm not even gonna speculate on it. I just don't really want to get into it mentally right now, too much to unpack.

So the gears are moving. I'm getting back into streaming/online-presence/gaming/music/art mode and it feels good. Giving advice to another person on how to sorta "rebirth" yourself into a new life has actually helped me a bit in helping myself. I just need to listen to the advice I gave her - create a clear vision of what you're trying to build, as clear as you feel comfortable getting, then start working on making changes one-by-one until you complete the puzzle. Slow pace is fine. Slow progress is still progress. (Thanks Devin Townsend, love you!)

Feeling optimistic, and realizing just how anxious and depressed, insecure and hopeless, I have been. Seeing how difficult it must be to be around me sometimes when I'm so convinced the world is out to get me. And boy do I have the evidence to prove it. Maybe that's the PTSD talking, I have no idea anymore, I'm just... I just want a life where I can have friends over for a poker night or D+D. Or do a Discord hangout with a few friends, have a few drinks and play Tabletop Simulator or something. It's been a long time since I've done that, and I miss it dearly. I miss fucking Jackbox!

I hope those days are coming soon. Isolation is a bitch, not just in its experience, but how intimidating and overwhelming reintegrating into society can be when you come back. Especially alone. It's hard to put into words. It's not like stage-fright for me, not that kind of adrenaline dump and "fuck fuck fuck, get it together, you got this". Phone calls can be like that, but not often honestly. It's much more like... "I'm afraid that person my friend brought over to my house is going to steal something." I guess. Or "is this guy walking towards me in the alley going to mug me?" I haven't really put a ton of thought into it recently. But it is very looming.

I'm fading, it's getting late. Smoked this new weed my friend got - its a mix of flower and Delta-8, but also mixed with the old shit. I'm gonna give it a test whirl on its own tomorrow to acquaint myself with this strain, see how it hits me. Maybe we'll see if we can get some music done too.

Oh shit, last note - so the idea with my brother doing music for my stream, and maybe other streams... that was like a lightning bolt inspiration moment for me. I haven't had one of those in a while, especially that strong, I was just unpacking groceries and just BOOM. So whatever is shifting in my life right now, it's opening me up to very powerful inspiration. This is extremely exciting. Even if the idea ends up being a bust, I have an open conduit to my primary source of creative power. That means I should nurture it and engage with it. Strike while the iron's hot. We'll see where it guides me next, and I will most likely stream that.

Sleep time!

[buffster]

The Prom (BTVS 3.20)

This is part of my ongoing Buffy Project, where I write notes/meta for every episode in an attempt to better understand the characters and themes of the show. You can find the full list here. Gifs are not mine.

In the words of Daniel “Oz” Osbourne, once again the hellmouth puts the “special” in special occasion. Hellhounds, oh my!

The Prom was mostly about the break up. Buffy and Angel start the episode waking up from a post-slayage nap that lasted all night. Buffy mentions getting a drawer at his place (I guess her mom has given up on dictating what the Slayer can do–she doesn’t have office hours) and he gets uncomfortable. He later sees that her notebook has “Buffy and Angel Forever” written on it with hearts. The relationship is so strange. Buffy is appropriately young and he’s just…not. 

Joyce decides to confront Angel, and it’s this second speech that finally gets to him. 

Joyce: When it comes to you, Angel, Buffy’s not a slayer. She’s just like any other young woman in love. You’re all she can see of tomorrow. But I think we both know there’s gonna be some hard choices ahead. If she can’t make them, you’re going to have to. I know you care about her. I just hope you care enough.

I get that it was perhaps overstepping boundaries (and seriously uncool) for Joyce to talk to Buffy’s boyfriend. But Buffy is off to college soon and Joyce is, in her way, trying to send her off to the best life possible. And she is a little young to have such a difficult, stressful relationship. 

Angel dreams that he and Buffy get married. He steps into the sunlight, unfazed, but she burns. It symbolizes his feelings about them: it makes his life better but hers worse. 

Angel: I’ve been thinking. About our future. And the more I do, the more I feel like us–you and me being together–is unfair to you. You deserve more. You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. You should have someone who can take you into the light. Someone who can make love to you–

Buffy: I don’t care about that!

Angel: You will. And children–

Buffy: Children? Can you say jumping the gun? I kill my goldfish!

Angel: Today. But you have no idea how fast it foes, Buffy. Before you know it, you’ll want it all–a normal life.

Buffy: I’ll never have a normal life.

Angel: Right. You’ll always be a slayer. But that’s all the more reason why you should have a real relationship instead of this…this freak show.

Buffy tries to run out at this point, which is typical Buffy behavior. He makes good points here, though. Sex isn’t everything but being celibate is kind of a big deal. Not to mention all the things they can’t do because of the sun. And, as Angel says, her life will be complicated enough by slaying. Why complicate it more?

Buffy: I’ll never change. I want my life to be with you.

Angel: I don’t.

This was really sad (although, contrary to Buffy’s interpretation, I think Angel was trying to say I don’t want your life to be with me. Not I don’t want my life to be with you). I know this is supposed to be one of those typical first love lines where she eventually does change, but…does she? I don’t know if Buffy ever stops wanting Angel. But she is aware their relationship is too complicated and admits this to Willow. I thought it was interesting how Willow voiced, for the very first time, that she didn’t really believe Angel and Buffy were a good idea. She’s always been completely supportive prior to Buffy admitting it herself.

Anya approaches Xander for a date. She says she took on the guise of a twelfth grader to reel in Cordelia, so now she has twelfth grade feelings like wanting to go to the dance. Xander agrees to go and is dipping into his road trip fund for a tux. These subtle references to Xander’s lack of parents are kind of depressing.

Xander discovers that Cordelia is now broke (because of her father’s tax fraud) and working to buy a prom dress. He conceals the truth from the Scoobies and eventually pays off the rest of the dress, which was a really decent thing to do (especially coming from someone poor). He never holds it over her head or expects anything either. File this under moments Xander should get credit for. Cordelia dances with Wesley at the prom and Xander dances with Anya. 

I’ll never stop loving the little character quirks that become useful in the fight against evil. This episode: Cordelia’s obsession with fashion. She discovers the hellhounds are trained to attack formal wear. 

Cordelia: Look! Right there. Zoom in on that.

Xander: Zoom in? This is a video tape.

Cordelia: So? They do it on TV all the time.

Xander: Not with a regular VCR they don’t.

The above isn’t important at all. I just wanted to say Nicky’s delivery here always makes me laugh.

Buffy: No. You guys are gonna have a prom. The kind of prom everyone should have. I will give you all a nice, fun, normal evening… if I have to kill every single person on the face of the Earth to do it.

Buffy resolves to give her friends the perfect prom even if she can’t have one, which is one of the reasons I love her. I admire her ability to be constructive with pain (sometimes, anyway). She pretends to be over wanting her perfect high school moment. Giles is very sympathetic and kind to her, but these days I can’t help but notice it’s only Buffy that he plays father to. Major character flaw alert. 

This, by the way, is the episode where Tucker Wells (Andrew’s brother) raises hellhounds because a girl turned him down for prom. Thinking maybe Andrew’s obsession with Warren came from a certain similar brother?

Jonathan: We’re not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you. But that doesn't mean we haven’t noticed you. We don’t talk about it much, but it's no secret Sunnydale High isn’t really like other schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here. But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you, at one time or another. We’re proud to say that the class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks, and …gives you, uh, this…It’s from all of us, and it’s got written here, “Buffy Summers. Class Protector.”

Look, I know this was one of those this-would-never-happen moments, but I don’t care. I get teary watching it every time. It’s just such a beautiful moment and so, so deserved after everything Buffy’s done. Angel returns to be her date and they enjoy a last moment of happiness while “Wild Horses” plays.

Character Notes:

Anya Jenkins: She once made a guy’s head explode feet away from his ex. She made a lot of body parts fall off during the plague, which she found boring since it was happening already. One man cannibalized himself, which she found hard to watch. She is obsessed with her work.

Rupert Giles: He went to an all male prep school.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: He went to an all male prep school and they would sometimes make the lower-class men get up as girls and–He doesn’t finish.

Jonathan Levinson: He arrives with an actual date to the Prom.

Daniel Osbourne: He says the Prom is strangely affecting and he teared up during “We Are Family”.

Xander Harris: He’s upset about losing Class Clown to a “prop guy”, otherwise known as an attention-getter that’s more flamboyant than funny. I sympathized here because Xander is really funny and I’ve always preferred witty to obnoxious. But to each their own.

Buffy Summers: She finally admits she gets something out of slaying and says “kicking ass is comfort food”.