#and i havent been able to write in nearly a week

[zeawesomebirdie]

Well folks, get ready for me to be even more annoying about the Old West!AU, because I just started zero drafting it >:)

[peetaslefttoe]

could you write a smut where you and peeta have been dating for a month, but havent gotten intimate yet? finally he asks if yall could get intimate and it becomes very spicy - fem! reader pls ❤️

warnings: oral (fem! receiving), p in v, lil bit of filth, sub Peeta oops 🤭

summary: request above

author’s note: ahh i love that idea sm tyyy 🫶 sub peeta is my religion 🙏🙏🙏

Masterlist Pinned xx

Peeta sat down beside you, placing a warm hand on your leg. You swung your legs over his, lying back against the armrest. He traced circles and patterns with his fingers on your thighs sending shivers up your back.

You and Peeta had been dating for a month now, you didn’t think you’d ever been so in love with a boy as you were with him. His gentle gaze set your heart on fire, his careful touch and soft expression eating away at your resolve. You’d spent day after day with him in the woods, walking through town, sitting at home. There was one thing buzzing in the back of your mind, despite all of the happiness and butterflies the last few weeks had brought… you couldn’t help but crave more. Every innocent touch had you melting under his hands, you had trouble resisting your urge to straddle him and fuck him right now. His jaw clenching in the firelight, his strong arms across your legs, tickling at your sensitive skin. Suddenly your horny silence was broken by his deep voice.

“Hey Y/N?” he asked, looking to you suddenly.

“Hm?” you responded, turning your eyes to meet his own.

“I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve been spending together… I really do like you and-,” he paused, contemplating his next words, “If you’re not ready I would never push you, I just wanted to let you know that I’m ready… when you are I mean,” he finished awkwardly, his cheeks blushing.

“Ready for what?” you asked feigning innocence as his eyes flicked across your face trying to read your expression.

“You know… I want to feel you, around me,” he said quietly, looking down at the his fingers as they traced your thighs. You smirked at his sudden shyness, pushing yourself up onto your elbows to see him better.

“You want me to fuck you, pretty boy?” you asked slyly, relishing in his embarrassment. He paused for a moment before nodding. You sat up coming down to straddle him and cupping his jaw in your hands. You leaned in kissing him gently. He pulled back, trying to speak.

“Can I taste you?” he asked with a sudden burst of confidence. You felt him grow hard beneath your ass as he grew increasingly desperate.

“I don’t know…” you said, cocking your head at him. God how you wanted to hear pathetic begs fall from his delicate lips.

“Please,” he nearly whimpered, his hands gripping your hips tightly.

“Beg me for it,” you demanded, looking down at him and running your hands up his chest slowly.

“Please Y/N, can I please eat your pussy? I haven’t been able to stop touching myself thinking of how you must taste,” he confessed, his cheeks bright with embarrassment and need. You smiled, satisfied with his answer. You climbed off him, gesturing for him to lie down before you shimmied out of your panties and pulled your shirt over your head, baring yourself to him. Peeta’s breathing quickened at the sight of your body, he clenched his hands into fists trying to regain control as his cock throbbed painfully in his jeans.

“Go on, take your dick out darling,” you said, wanting to see how he got off on pleasuring you. He obeyed quickly, unbuttoning and unzipping his pants before lowering them enough to release his cock and balls.

“Fuck, such a pretty dick,” you moaned, nearly drooling. You held yourself back from your urge to spend hours licking and sucking his fat, dripping length. You snapped out of your thoughts when Peeta cupped his sack, whimpering loudly.

“What’s wrong baby?”

“Need you, need to taste you,” he whined. You tugged his shirt over his head before straddling his shoulders. You placed a soft kiss on his head and brushed his sweaty blonde hair from his face. You then moved forward, lowering yourself slowly down onto his outstretched tongue. You moaned as his open mouth embraced your sensitive pussy. You felt his whimpers spread from your core up your spine. You threw your head back whining as he devoured you like a starved man. He sucked at you, filthy noises filled the room as he latched onto your soaked pussy. You felt your legs shake around him as you clutched his face into you. Suddenly he pulled back making you groan at the loss of contact.

“Please, I want you to cum on my cock pretty girl,” he said lowly, squeezing your hips gently. You smirked down at him before moving back down to straddle him.

“Normally i’d punish you for stopping mommy from cumming but my cunt is fucking dripping,” you said, pressing a firm kiss to his sore tip. He whimpered at the feeling and bucked up into your face. You grasped his hips, pinning him back down.

“Can you be patient for me Peeta?” you asked slowly. He moaned at your use of his name, grinding his hips and nodding needily. You brought a tight fist to his hard length, easing yourself down onto him. He shuddered, his face contorting in pleasure.

“Oh my god, you’re so fucking tight,” he nearly whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut and clutching the sheets beneath him. You moaned at his words, slowly setting a pace as you bounced on his thick cock.

“You’re stretching me out so good Peeta,” you said breathily as your wet hole burned at the size of his length. He rutted up into you at your praise, his cheeks turning crimson.

“You like it when I praise you, don’t you pretty boy?” he nodded pathetically, his eyes begging you to continue.

“Such a good boy for me, letting me milk your big cock,”

“yes mommy i’m a good boy,” he whispered, his eyes shut in pleasure. He suddenly realized his slip up, he sat up slightly in shock, his eyes snapping open. “I- I’m sorry i didn’t mean to say that,” he stuttered nervously. You laughed softly, cupping his cheek.

“You don’t have to apologize, that was beyond hot baby,” you pushed him back on the bed, plunging his throbbing dick into you harder than ever.

“Mommy,” he whined, testing the waters as you rode him furiously.

“Such a good boy for mommy, think you can fill me up with you stickies?” you asked, breathing heavily as his dick rammed into your sweet spot with each stroke.

“Yes mommy, gonna fill you all up,” he cried, his body stiffening as he shot ropes of warm cum, coating your walls as you rode him wildly. Your own orgasm hit you like a train, you pulled yourself from his dripping cock and rubbed at your clit, shaking. You came hard, squirting all over his chest and face as your hips bucked and your hole leaked his hot cum.

You lay beside him, your bodies leaking fluids and the smell of sex and fresh sweat coating the sheets. You kissed him deeply, as he held you tight.

“I love you so much Y/N,” Peeta whispered. You smiled against his lips.

“I love you too baby,”

[octoberautumnbox]

box update!!

tldr: hiatus but ill be back dw :DDDD

hey y'all! its been a hectic few weeks box-side since The Sultry and Pervy Soda in Apartment 307 lmao and I think its for the best to maybe take another break. ive got a few big things to worry about within the next couple months (I also havent been answering asks as often and as well as i like) as well as recent difficulty in writing nearly anything and I can't in good faith promise releases during this time :((((

I won't totally disappear tho! just a little break from writing long lol 6k "long" fics. not that anyone will worry or care but for the few who wait patiently for me to put stuff out, im sorry u have to wait a little bit longer slfkslahdlg

and for anyone that might be worried that I'm retiring hahahahahaha ofc not, very little will be able to keep me away for good :DDDD I still have a shit ton of drafts im very excited to work on when the writing juices inevitably return!

in the meantime I promise the other very lovely writers I share the platform with will come out with their own fics so im sure I won't be missed too horribly <3 praeluxius, capslocked, sinswithpleasure, writerpeach, midnightdancingsol, kooyabooya, authorhjk1, 0cta9on, coldfanbou, ggidolsmuts, usedpidemo, thewritingrowlet, msafterhours, okaylikesmomo (wow im so not used to yalls government names anymore lmao), and many more of my fellow writers will come at you with awesome work for you to enjoy so watch out!!!

and finally watch out for yuri as well! it's still a good while before December when Squid Game S2 comes out on Netflix so it isn't totally off the table for covers, appearances, and most excitingly a possible comeback to be within the year!! tag me when theres news in case u find I still havent gushed abt it on my blog yet lmao

see y'all in a few weeks, honorary glassys! love ya!

[the-s1lly-corner]

I’m baaaaack!!

Oh I’ve missed your writing, I just got dragged off due to some stuff irl and having a mini hyper fixation on Eddie Munson-

How are you dear? 🥺 everything okay? Drinking water and eating food? I hope you are!

Would love to see if you could possibly do hcs of all the different ways LJ would comfort you and show you how much he loves you as well as how he’d react to his s/o having gift giving and physical touch be her main love languages!

- 🩶 Anon

Laughing Jack comforting a reader who has gift giving/touch as a love language!

i have one other request in the inbox asides this one but i think imma save it for later since im!! tired.. im doing okay-ish? ups and downs, i will admit the past few weeks i havent been feeling right/like myself but im sure its just a funk or something.. gotta drink more water, though </3 hope you enjoy this anon!

jack is very very clingy himself, like in an emotional sense but also a physical sense... if it were efficient he would wrap himself around you and not let go but unfortunately a lot of things in life would get inconvenienced

a majority of that clinginess comes from his abandonment issues, with only a portion just being a part of his personality

very verbal in wanting to keep you around, and while he may not out right say or ask it, i think sometimes he needs some reassurance from you that youre not going to be going anywhere

will take any chance he can to sling his arm around you, usually just draping it over your shoulders lazily while you guys hang around one another

i dont think hes opposed to hand holding, either.. he has very large hands and theyre warm... sharp claws, though

if anything you might have to ask him to give you space because he wants to spent a lot of his free time with you (and hes got a lot of free time if youre the one in possession of that little box of his); i think sometimes he can get a little overwhelming/overstimulating... i love him but personally i think he could be a little much every now and then

loves leaving you notes, usually leaves some candy with them. typically leaves them in places where he knows you'll find them, like by your keys or at the front door... likes leaving them when he knows youre about to leave for work or any other outing... will still leave them if hes the one leaving for something, although its rare that he needs to head out for something and admittedly i cant think of anything he would need to do/get done that would require him to leave briefly

looooooooooves showering you in affection, especially if you guys are in a romantic relationship; peppers you in kisses and snuggles into your cheek.. hugs, lots of hugs. will take any chance he can get to snake his arms around you. please cuddle him

so i think its safe to say that the physical touch bit is more than satisfied, on both ends

as for gift giving, i gotta say my brain is a little melted so i can tell whos giving and whos receiving, so lets do both!

if youre the one giving gifts to jack hes going to be totally over the moon...! a present? for HIM? is it christmas? is it his birthday? ...i dont.. think he has a birthday, actually... but that aside i think he would adore nearly anything you give him since hes totally obsessed with you. likely keeps it within close reach, be it in his own space, his box, or even in his hair since that functions as a means of storage in my silly hc!!

if hes the one giving gifts i think he would try to slink around to figure out what you like.. if its something more than candy then maybe... this would be one of those rare chances where he leaves the house for something, making sure not to be seen of course. which is easy when he can turn into a puff of smoke at will. honestly knowing him hes probably not going to be able to hold himself back from the gifts, so prepare to wake up to a whole pile of them in the morning... might try his hand at wrapping them but due to his claws theres some holes and slashes... but its the thought that counts..!

though if he needs to hide anything for occasions like birthdays hes not going to be able to keep it a secret... if he doesnt blurt it out hes going to be really antsy and keep checking where ever hes hiding the gifts to see if theyve been found or tampered yet

adding this in because i forgot comforting the reader!! right before i was about to hit post!!

if youre feeling anxious about him leaving or being upset with you i think he would reassure you to the best of his ability

tries to keep the mood light, likely cracks jokes while hes holding your hands... might be slightly rocking your hands back and forth or side to side

looks like the type to kiss tears away... though hes gonna have the be careful about it given that cone nose of his... though him attempting to be gentle while keeping his determination to pepper your face with pecks might be enough to crack a smile from you

literally will not leave you alone until youre smiling

[moonshine-nightlight]

@sarahserinde

i was really sure i was going to be able to post all of that bonus back in January within like a week of each other, but work kicked my ass this year (and continues to do so, please May 15th save me) and so that didn't happen even though i tried to power through.

my hope is to get it finished by the end of may though - i've got nearly 6k words written of part 2 so far and i'm hoping it'll b under 10k total, so its high on my list of priorities for the near future.

i'm also planning to put in a bonus to the published version (similar to how DSM also got a bonus, although the NWWD official bonus probably won't include anything spicy). i might do a poll or something to narrow down what that bonus should be, but i havent decided--i might just do what i want lol

i appreciate everyone's patience and while my return has been delayed, its getting closer to me finally being able to get back to writing and posting stories--i've missed it!

thanks for asking about this one so i hav an excuse to let y'all know what's going on!

[cealesti]

writing log #6, 14/05/2023

writing update

not a lot to say this week, it's been a very busy one and i havent had a lot of time or headspace to sit down and write

i did finish ch17, which is cool, and to take a bit of a break from it i ended up starting on ch7 of with friends like these, which might be more exciting for you guys since i think i might be able to post it relatively soon? at least, you wont have to wait nearly as much for it

i want to say this upcoming week might be calmer but im actually not quite sure, so i think we'll have to see

stats

wordcount: 969

[formulateez]

hi everyone!

i wanna apologize.... again </3

i saw that it's been nearly a month since i posted the preview for mission failed and i havent been able to get a single word out for the past week and a half.

i have like literally no clue why its suddenly so hard to write, and why the words just arent coming to me

and honestly, i think part of it is the fact that sooo many people are anticipating the fic that its really overwhelming for me because i really wasn't expecting so many people to enjoy the snippet :")

i still wanna get the fanfic out because i made a commitment to everyone, but i might have to put it on the back burner for a little bit longer. i think i'm at the point where i don't feel that i'm writing for fun, but i'm writing because it feels expected from me to finish this fic. which isn't a bad thing at all!! i'm honestly very grateful for the support i've gotten on the two vvv short fics. BUT !!!! just to kinda refill the desire to write, i'm going to write a few fanfics that i've been wanting to indulge in and write for a little bit and hopefully that's bring back the passion of writing for me :")

hopefully that made sense </3

tl;dr: i'm struggling with finishing mission failed because idk if i have the passion for writing in me but i'm gonna write a couple fics that i've had in mind and i wanna try to write for my own enjoyment and see if that helps me burnout <3333

ALSO; BIT OF A SPOILER!!!!!!!

i'm writing a lee jeno imagine, mark lee imagine, park jisung imagine, and definitely a couple f1 imagines TEEHEE :))

[angeleccstasy]

HOLY SHIT THAT'S SO COOL???? I LOVE HOW WELL THOUGHT OUT THE STORYLINE IS IM SOOOO AHEHFHEHDHE I FR WANNA KNOW MORE (also i thought they'd kiss at the end but nevermind- im quite alright with mutual abuse too(

here are their designs this is pretty old as you can tell and i dont think the heights look accurate at all + a bunch of other nitpicks but wuteva :"]]

OHHHH IF ONLY THEYD KISS MAN, IF ONLY THEY WOULD :CC but tysm !!! gahhh that means !! a lot !!!! :"333 so uh yeah! i havent been able to fully draw prisoner and warden yet aside from a few unfinished sketches ANYWAYS lemme slow down a bit and talk abt some other stuff outside of themes and plot :0 so abt their designs, prisoner is 6'4 ft mixed but mostly of black descent, appears 25 yrs old, slim/skinny build hes actually a little underweight bcuz of how little he eats, short dark wavy slightly curly hair, has eyebags and some other facial imperfections around his body but other than that, since i based him off of serial killer archetypes, hes pretty conventionally attractive and has a pleasant voice and demeanor :]] warden is 6'3 also mixed but less so than prisoner and mostly of brown descent, appears 23 yrs old, slim/skinny build like prisoner but he eats a bit more so he looks less like skin and bones, short straight black hair, has a bit of acne due to long periods of exposure to the elements and such but again since hes also based off serial killer archetypes, hes also conventionally attractive and has a pleasant voice! SO off to where the story begins ohohhohhhh ill keep this short but. the warden and the prisoner have been going at it for nearly 2000 years, and what theyve been doing pretty much is that they run into each other every few weeks/months and they just! stab and shoot and fight to the death! :D smtimes this happens bcuz they yknow run into each other smtimes this happens bcuz prisoner tries to kill someone and warden, who likes to stalk him for long periods of time just to prevent this from happening, has to come into the rescue and fuck prisoners shit up and if theyre feeling especially vengeful they generally put each other thru smth awful .. hooray? but yeah! pretty much i started writing this story bcuz i was just fascinated by the idea of how far/extreme i could take the enemy-enemy dynamic in fiction and what i could do w/ that concept !! and then from there it evolved into an exploration of trauma and how it horrifically distorts and rewires the way 2 people view themselves and their actions and the world, leading them to manipulate and brutalize and torture each other, and letting the fact that youre a victim blind you from the fact that youre also an abusive person, and thats its not entirely the other persons fault but also your own :[ i think that the prisoner and the warden are fundamentally very different people, they just react to trauma the same way: they are very sensitive to it and they dont know how to handle it, they can only let the hurt eat them from the inside out and cause more hurt ..

and! if you dont mind me very pretentiously including this quote from house of leaves here adjusted slightly since i think it absolutely fits the way these 2 view each other:

I'm afraid. [He] is hungry. [He] is immortal. Worse, [he] knows nothing of whim.

[dancedance-resolution]

p

i am so acutely aware how much money i am spending on these college classes. i do not need to be doing this; i am choosing to spend money on my education. so i don't want to waste that money or this opportunity; i don't want to shortchange myself here. which is part of why it sucks extra hard that i'm falling so behind and doing such a shit job! i've paid $2000 this semester to learn the definition of synecdoche and be so fucking overwhelmed that it's taking a toll on my physical health woohoo. i am getting nothing out of these classes right now because i cannot apply myself. and i don't know fucking why. my adhd is so unmanageable right now even when i was able to take my meds it feels exactly how it felt when my pmdd was affecting the adhd (though i'm not having the mood swings to the same extent as i was with the pmdd). so like what the fuck gives. i dont have a leutal cycle i am on the patch, and the patch has been working so fucking well. maybe i'm depressed but i don't think so? maybe i'm burnt out but i had two pretty significant breaks recently so again i don't think so. AGH what the fuck is wrong w me i want nothing more than to be engaged with my studies and learning everything i can but i just. Can't. i can't keep my living space organized or clean, i can't do basic fucking hygiene regularly, i havent even been crocheting for the past few days. the only bright spot was that insane little burst of Must Write that led to ch 1 of pants allergy fic and the stamps moment early last week. maybe i need to intentionally be more autistic. intentionally tell myself this is designated rocking back and forth and thinking about nothing time. i dont fucking know

i have a bunch of stockpiled 25mg zoloft pills so maybe i'll increase myself by 25mg daily. exercise doesn't seem to be the answer bc i did 8 minutes of very moderate exercise and immediately vommed and it wasn't even hot.

maybe i shall make an appoitnment with one of the guidance ppl at school except i always become unable to articulate anything the second i'm trying to get help. fuck if i know

update i made an appointment w the mental health service their soonest available isn’t until next tuesday which is whatever, its not nearly as long of a wait as it could be etc im grateful, but i am so terrified bc like. do you realize how much shit i will be behind on by tuesday. i’m already overwhelmed with everything that’s overdue rn LOLOL

[justgottarant]

Im not entirely sure whats going wrong with my mental state currently. Its 3:15am and this is now about four times this week I havent been able to sleep. This is something that used to happen often in my teens when I was over stressed from the abuse going on at home. Ive been out of those situations for nearly 10 year now yet its starting up again. I know Ive been feeling pressure and trapped and not ok but I thought my body would be used to this by now. Ive dealt with worse and I understand Ive been having this feeling like things are similar to back then but they arent? Were all just stressed right now. And the people around me arent mentally well either. Thats nothing new though. I just keep having this feeling, this anxiety, I cant get it all out right now. It scares me. Its stupid. If I write it down or say it aloud I feel like itll happen. Its always that anxiety I get with so many things. It doesnt usually happen but those few, very few, times it does are the ones that reassert that its real and so I cant not unless the feeling passes or Im out of a situation. I cant leave it though so I guess its gonna have to just passes. I just feel numb now though. After this past weeks event. I just. Ill just get by now. Ill do the things I have to. And try to just do the rest for me. What else can I do now?

[heylinfanclub]

I been zoned out allllll day and it’s been nice but I do feel that usual ‘I have a ton of shit I need to get done’ dread circling near by. So sit your ass down dread we gonna schedule a few things I wanted to get done and you’re gonna shut your banshee hole.

Look: I did some dishes already, not in the structured way I’d approve of, but I got sOME DONE. I’ve put my loose laundry in my baskets. I’ve tOUCHED the exercise equipment. I took my meds and I’ve been WRITING (not long form shareable stuff, mostly brain storming, BUT ITS NICE!!!!!) I went to planned parenthood and got represcribed my T (in gEL FORM).

I really want to read the NEWS in my EMAIL cause it’s been bulking up for WEEKS but it’s scary cause propaganda and advertisements and total tonal dissonance I really hate it. But I want my local news and my INFORMATION. and doom scrolling won’t get me as nearly packaged as the nEWS.

I have overdue library books. I want to read at least one of them. My brother had loaned me two books I’ve barely touched I also want to read. I’m slowly making my way through ascendence chapters because I’m a behind a novel and am enjoying the slow progression of reading this time. I have been chowing down sO MUCH FANFIC it’s wild I love it and I kinda wanna write some. Just a lil.

Nov hopefully will be a creative month but I can’t do everything at once so I gotta just. Breathe chill and think bout scheduling.

There’s some other dreads with the ‘havent heard from my uncle since he got back from the hospital hope he’s just busy’ and ‘no financial stability hell life’ but that’s. Life. Just text your uncle a meme.

I wanna journal and this is sometimes the closest I can get to it. I used to be able to sit down with a pencil and a bullet journal and I filled THREE OF THEM during college but now—- I use my blog to blog. As god intended. (Wheezes). Tag it therapy cause it’s usually relevant.

I wanna play some BG3 also cause I have been zoned out of gaming for a couple days now despite the new patch lmao. Hfhfjgkh. I think I can control my intake. If not I plan for a following day of no game perhaps.

Ooooo I wanna to get cheap Halloween candy idk if they’ll still have some it’s been a couple days and I’ve stayed inside aaaaaaa that’s the most urgent one I suPPOSE I also need to pick up my meds at the store so YEAH go dO THAT—-

[fraener]

10/29/23

been a little over a month since my last entry. things picked up with g, we write each other notes we exchange through the weeks in our absences from one another, we have strange and funny and nervous sex occasionally, we dont talk about how hard it is for either of us. we find ways to avoid the elephants. i want to be able to say that h has gotten better but things have really only gotten worse. we had a long discussion where we decided to open things up, which seems so counterintuitive now. he is taking any opportunity to punish me. i know he's moving through big feelings about this and really struggling hard against his traumas and scarcities but its so hard to keep up with his shifts in mood. he doesnt like that ive been taking more time to myself, he doesnt like that im still somehow afloat, and he especially doesnt like it any time i spend any time at all with g. my maternal grandmother died a couple of weeks ago and i have been flattened slowly by it. i feel like im drowning. h didnt seem to even bat an eye at the news, has offered so little support or comfort in this and i am grieving slowly and bitterly and violently by myself. i cry in snatches- the shower, the hall on my way in or out of the house, in the small hours in my bed. it feels like something ill be punished for doing. my schoolwork has been suffering for it, most definitely. ive been bothered by night spirits and pulled in and out of my sleep nearly every night for weeks. some part of me is keeping tally and building cases, some part of me is frothing slowly into resentment and vengeance. how dare anyone deny me my grief. how dare someone i have supported and cared for so much mock, belittle and resent my struggle. how dare anyone ask me to love them if they cannot walk the street holding my hand. i am feeling so alone and so overwhelmed by others needs. becoming more and more livid, more and more cold, more and more tetchy. h comes at me with his punishing tone, remarks, attitude and behavior near daily, then walks it back a little later with apologies and offerings, then resents when i dont want what hes trying to give me, and goes right back into the resentful behavior. ive also been having so many physical symptoms get worse and worse. ive been having trouble breathing, a rise in anxiety and panic attacks, my digestive system is a mess and has been for months, periods inconsistent, joint pain no matter what i do. i feel exhausted all the time. it all feels like a bad dream i havent been able to wake up from, even right down to my poor suffering house spirits. i dont even have words for how im doing or feeling anymore. my divinations from last friday all said i was going on a journey soon. i am trying to get comfortable with the idea of departure. the world will show me unsympathetically just how alone i can be...but i want to meet that with humor, desire and bravery.

[sapphic-bifrost]

and like a ghost! she’s back from the dead

little summary of what went down: removed tumblr from my phone and havent been on for nearly the entirety of this calendar year after a bad breakup. my mental health was doing extremely poorly as a result of the later part of my relationship with my ex, and was made exponentially worse by the way that she handled the breakup process. i spent the final months of contact with her feeling significantly worse after every interaction with her, and i eventually realized that the hope i’d had that we could eventually be friends was simply the manifestation of my own faith in her, my last lingering belief that her personality and mine were compatible, the last hope that i hadnt been making a mistake every time i chose to love her.

That faith quickly dwindled in the weeks after we broke up, as i watched how she handled the situation. As i watched how she acted as if only her heart was broken, and forgot that mine was, too. As i learned what she values, and how reliable her “love” is. It took no more than a few months before that faith was completely extinguished, and i realized i saw no trace of the person i once fell in love with. the person who once loved me. the person i once wanted to spend my life with and the person that exists now are two very different people, and i dont know when the former died.

I can say with certainty now that i started mourning our relationship even before we broke up; i remember feeling the depression coming back, remember feeling that vague depth, that uneasiness that constricts your lungs and weighs down your heart. i remember how much lonelier i felt every time i’d tried to talk to her, thinking that out of all the people in the world, my partner should be the one who’d be willing and able to support me. I remember feeling so let down, so disappointed every time i tried. every time she left me alone with my thoughts, left me alone when all i could think about was how much i missed her, left me alone to cry and drown while she spent all her time with the person she started dating shortly after we broke up.

I remember how i felt when i finally admitted these things to my friends. i remember being scared, thinking that if i opened up to them they might make me feel invalidated the way my ex did. i remember being insecure that all my negative emotions were unreasonable, that they were all the result of my own mental illness, that all my unhappiness was my own fault. i remember being afraid that i was the one to blame for being unhappy in my own relationship. And then? I saw my friends’ faces. I saw how fucking furious they looked. and when i started trying to defend my ex, for god knows what reason, i realized i didnt believe what i was saying anymore. i realized i no longer believed she deserved the benefit of the doubt, not when she’d had months to explain and remove any doubt entirely. not when that doubt was causing me pain while she used it to her advantage to cheat on me emotionally, with her time and her trust and her emotions and her thoughts. maybe she thinks i broke our relationship by breaking up with her. i know she broke it when she started behaving like she was all but dating him, and treated me like a side piece, and didnt care when i told her it hurt me; all the while letting me believe that it was solely my own mental illness that was making me upset, instead of being accountable for the fact that, save for what is quite literally illegal in terms of things like physical abuse or extortion, she was the worst partner i couldve imagined having. A better person would have had the decency to break up with me first, instead of taking advantage of my trust in her and our long distance relationship to double-dip with her in-person “best friend”, and then try to make me the villain for finally breaking up with her after i realized it wasn’t love anymore.

Im able to write about it now. I couldn’t even think about it for a long time without feeling my heart race, without wanting to hurt myself, without wondering how someone could claim to love me and still treat me that way, without feeling hurt and furious and vengeful and bitter and so so so angry. Then i was emotionless about it, and shut it all away. I’ve finally gotten to the point that I don’t need to do that; it does still hurt me sometimes, as trauma tends to do. it does make me a little more afraid in certain situations in my current relationship. it does drag me down on bad days, it makes certain phrases into trigger words that have sent me into anxiety attacks. but it also shatters the rose-colored glasses through which i used to view my ex and the relationship i had with her. and i feel such relief; im happier now than ive ever been in my life. ive mourned the loss of the love i once had, and ive mourned the death of the object of that love. but i dont want it back. if that person i loved was real, was still alive, if they came back and found me now, i wouldnt want them in the same way anymore. ive moved on, and ive let go of the person that i thought existed, that maybe did exist once. and i have something infinitely better. i know now what it feels like to be loved, to be treated like im loved, to believe im loved. i have a love that fills my chest and makes me feel alive. i have a love that reaches every part of me, and pulls the most broken parts out into the light, and loves those just as much. i have a love that gives me hope and makes me smile and doesnt just accept the broken bits, but mends them too.

i used to think real love just meant that love was supposed to exist even when i was hurting. i thought it meant sitting on the ground with me when im too injured to walk, waiting with me until im strong enough to get up, walking slowly as i try to drag myself along. I thought it just meant company, and patience, and nothing more. But now?? I have a love that will pick me up and carry me to a hospital. A love that makes sure i can see a doctor, that drives me to appointments, that reminds me to take my medicine when i forget, that walks with me slowly but wont hesitate to scoop me up when i start to fall. I have a love that doesn’t just feel like another presence in the dark, but instead brings a lantern and a map to get out. He has his own darkness, too. But with him, I don’t feel as if we’ll ever be stuck, in his darkness or mine. With him, i know we’ll bring each other back into the light, guide each other back home. And i love him. So so much.

I’m healing. I’m finally, finally healing. The scars may not be the prettiest, but I’m not bleeding. The wounds may hurt sometimes when I hit them wrong, but they hurt less every day. I’m finally getting better. I’m finally happy. I’m finally free

[doriansbutt]

what did I ever do to god to deserve chronic migraines

[iwadori]

Atsumu dating Kita's younger sister (their manager). That's it. That's the request. Hope you like this prompt 🤞😅

Dating your brothers teammate (Atsumu)

Part One Part Two Part Three

Word count: 1.6K

Genre: angst, fluff

ATSUMU

You and Atsumu started dating a month after Kita introduced you in your first year

You’re now in your second year and still going strong

However, no ones knows about your relationship since Atsumu said you being the manager and him being the setter it will affect the team dynamic?

You start the day off, seeing a message from your boyfriend,

‘Tsumu: Mornning babe, can’t wait to see you today!

You don’t respond, you are Atsumu have been at odds for the past few weeks as you feel like you guys should make your relationship public. Not even public per se, but you definitely feel it shouldn’t be hidden away especially with it being nearly two years of you being together.

Of course, Atsumu disagreed. He felt like at this moment you and him revealing your relationship to the team will just mess up the ‘dynamics’ or whatever that’s supposed to mean.

You get ready for school eating the breakfast your grandma made you and conversing with her and Kita before you both headed off to school together meeting Aran on the way.

You had an early morning practice and you didn’t mind it. To be honest, you love being around the team you were all a little family, you having a good relationship with all the guys.

This morning, the guys were all practicing different sorts of skills Kita was helping some of the gives with dives and receives and the rest doing other things. You were helping Osamu, Suna and Atsumu with there serves. 

Regardless of your public or private relationship status with Atsumu, you the twins and Suna were all good friends. You did have a slight inclination that Osamu and Suna knew of the relationship with you and Suna but just didn’t bring it up.

At the end of practice, the usual fan club was there waiting for the twins and the other guys to flirt and talk with them. As you are their manager, you did get some slight hate and jealousy from the other girls in your year but you didn’t pay no mind to it. 

When leaving practice, Atsumu (who usually walks with you to your class) gets stopped by a girl who seems to have something important to say so you politely step to the side (still in ear shot though.) 

“Miya-san” she said a bit nervous as her finger were shaking “I have this letter I would like for you to read.” 

He took the letter and said “Thank you, and you can just call me Atsumu” he smile at her.

“Thank you Atsumu, I hope to hear a response to you soon” she says about to walk away “Also, just to clarify you are single right?”

“Yes yes of course” he assures quickly making you annoyed “Why did you ask?”

“I assumed you were dating your manager, you seem pretty close”

“Oh her” he laughs and you already start to walk to your lesson leaving him behind “we’re just friends”

This makes the girl smile as she leaves, Atsumu turns to where you were standing shocked that you were completely vanished. He did think back to the conversation you had a week ago about your relationship status which did make him kind of sad for you since he did understand your reasoning he just wanted to you atleast wait it out till nationals is done.

He finds you at lunch, and to him it seems you don’t have a problem with him at all as you were being your usual smiley self interacting with him and all of your friends. So he assumed everything was fine (which it wasn’t of course.)

The next day at practice, when it ended the same girl came back again this time with friends and instead of approaching Atsumu they decided to approach you.

“Hi you’re the manager right?” one of them asks.

“Yup I have been for the past couple years.” you say 

“Oh and you’re definitely not dating any of the guys on the team right?”

“I don’t see why it’s any of your business, but no i’m not.” it pained you to say this but you did agree with Atsumu to say you weren’t dating to people and as much as it pained you to say this you couldn’t break your ‘agreement.’

Once the girls leave, you start to softly cry because you don’t want to have to hide your relationship anymore. Atsumu enters the corridor and sees you upset and rushes towards you, “Hey babe what’s wrong with you?” he asks 

“Nothing ‘tsumu just go back to practice” you murmur 

“No i’m not going until you tell me whats wrong?”

“it’s just that girl that confessed to you yesterday and her friends approached me about if I was dating anyone and i-”

“what did you say, he told them no right?” he interrupts

“Is that all you care about? Wether I keep our relationship secret or not ..” you say slightly raising your voice 

“Well I would appreciate if you don’t go round telling the world that you’re dating me gosh Y/N” he shouts a bit 

“I’m not even fucking doing that, I havent told a soul and that’s all because of YOU” 

You’re screaming match has alerted the team (who you didn’t notice) and they all stood around you watching before Kita steps in “Y/N are you okay??”

“yeah i’m fine bro” you say preparing to leave with tears still in your eyes “I just got into an argument with a friend” 

Before you leave the corridor you look back at Atsumu and catch all the guys attention when you say “Also Atsumu, happy anniversay ‘babe’”

“I KNEW IT!” shouts Osamu but Suna nudges him telling him to ‘read the room.’ Kita slowly approaches Atsumu and punches him in the face “I don’t care what you did but you made my sister cry so you better go fix it you dick”

Atsumu nodded and clutched his face, “Also I think it was pretty evident that you guys were dating.”

“Wait they were dating?” said Aran

You were in your room, scrolling through old pictures of you and Atsumu and looking at the presents he was going to give him for your anniversary still crying. You hear a knock on your door “Granny, I’m not hungry right now” you shout. But the door opens anyways “Granny I said I wasn-” you pause when you see a bruised Atsumu ‘Kita’ you think making yourself smile at the thought of your brother coming to your defence.

“Y/N, i’m sorry baby for trying to hide our relationship and not seeing how wrong it was until it was knocked into me... literally” he says cautiously sitting on your bed “ I’ve always wanted to be able to show off to the world but I just couldn’t cause I thought Kita would be mad and I genuinely thought it would mess up the team dynamic, however I’d rather have Kita be mad at me and the team loosing nationals if it meant getting to date you”

His words make you swoon and to add on to your fawning he whips out a wrapped up box giving it to you. When you open it, you see it’s a necklace with both your initials on it “ Happy anniversay babe, this has been one of the best years of my life.”

You silently hand him your presents, murmuring a quiet “Happy anniversary.” After seeing your presents, he gives you a big deep hug whispering mutiple thank yous and compliments into your neck making you smile.

“So does this mean we’re in a public relationship? right?” you ask making sure you were on the same page.

“Of course!” he exclaims “Also check your phone”

You look down at your phone seeing a bunch of notifications all tagging you in one post that was from Atsumu on instagram. It was 8 pictures of him and you and a caption that read *insert long romantic sappy paragraph that I’m too lazy too write since its 3 am :3* 

Your heart was overwhelmed with love for Atsumu, you spent the rest of your night cuddling and watching movies and before you went to sleep you told him you loved him.

Waking up the next morning, you thought it was all a dream to be honest. Because there was no way that Atsumu did all that right? You go downstairs and are shocked at the sight you see, Atsumu and Kita both sitting down eating breakfast together “What are you doing with my boyfr-” you stop yourself from finishing that sentence,

“Its okay Y/N you can say boyfriend, I have given your boyfriend the talk I just had to make sure that he knows that if he was ever to lay a finger on you that he would definitely get a bi-”

“Ughh nii-chan you’re being so embarrasing” you say pulling Atsumu back upstairs hearing Kita’s laughter in the backround.

You and Atsumu, stay together and it wasn’t much of a suprise when your relationship was public to the rest of the school and that girl that wanted Atsumu she ended up with Osamu anyways (it does makes sense since they do have the same face afterall.) Kita enjoys his days embarassing the both of you whenever you’re at your house. But you don’t care since you can finally show off to the world how great your boyfriend is.

Authors Notes: I don’t know if you wanted it to have angst in it but I hope you enjoy? Might make this a series so if you want anymore characters Request them and I’ll write for them too 

[snow-in-the-desert]

Dramione Recommendations

Ok so, 2020 has been A LOT but on a personal note one of the most surprising things to happen was me discovering Dramione fanfiction and becoming unashamedly obsessed with it. I really didn’t see that coming but I’m here now and I’m here to stay. 

I think I started reading in the Dramione fandom around mid July last year?? (In all honesty I’ve lost any true sense of time’s progression at this point so I could be well off the mark with that) And I’ve decided to compile a list of all my favourite fics I’ve read so far. Why? I really just want to gush over all the amazing writers I have found through this fandom because y’all deserve it. 

Side note: If any of the authors actually sees this post just dm so I can buy you coffee or post you writing supplies or something idk I feel like that’s the least I can do for all your amazing work x

Remain Nameless by @heyjude19-writing

Ok I have to start with RN because this fic is pretty much the sole reason I decided to create an account with A03 or a tumblr or just decided to get involved with this fandom at all. 

I headcannon this story hard. But I think even if you aren’t a fan of Dramione you should just read this because it is so unbelievably good and well written and poignant and Draco’s sarcastic personality in this is truly a thing of beauty in this - I relate to his inner monologue’s on a deep personal level. 

I could rave about this story any time, any day of the week, just ask me. In fact, maybe I’ll just start a HeyJude19 fan club to fulfill that urge.

There are so many elements that I love but for the sake of brevity, RN is a beautifully told story of Draco and Hermione finding love and healing in a post-war HP setting. Heyjude19 had the very special ability of making me want to simulatenously laugh, cry and swoon with the power of her words. Just stop what you are doing and go read it now if you havent already, ok?  

I also really enjoyed reading Bells on a Hill, Beers, Potions and Unwise Notions and A Shift in Focus, if you are looking for smaller fics, definitely give these a go. They are all funny and heartfelt stoires that will make your tippy toes wriggle with glee. 

The Rights and Wrongs Series by @lovesbitca8

The Right Thing To Do, All The Wrong Things and The Auction are the holy trinity of Dramione writing. I have christened it thus, so mote it be. And frankly I’m not interested in any other opinion than that one, thank you very much!

After reading this series I don’t think I’ll be able to look back on the orginal HP books without thinking of Hermione’s and Draco’s memories of their time at Hogwarts in these fics as anything other than strictly cannon. 

So many things to love about this series but I think one of the major highlights was Hermione and Draco’s use of occlumency. LoveBitca8 created such beautiful visuals with how occlumency works as a magical practice and seeing Draco and Hermione so devoted to eachother to the point of safeguarding their inner most feelings to protect eachother was unbelievably romantic and poetic. 

Also the smut is divine ;)

Manacled by @senlinyu​

My heart will never be the same after reading this story. Like I actually can’t think about this fic without getting a lump at the back of my throat. I have never felt so emotionally ruined after reading anything, compared to the likes of this fic. Just please, please read it. To badly quote HP, reading Manacled will make you suffer but you’re going to be happy about it.

The flashbacks are a rollercoaster in of themselves but the way Hermione inadvertently refers to them when she is still in a state of memory loss was so heartbreaking to read. My heart still aches for them both. Also its a truly satisfying to see Draco and Hermione written in a way were they are both so fiercly protective of one another. They make my insides go soft. 

I also really enjoyed Snow Fall, Now Is A Gift and All You Want by the author but to be honest anything written by Senlinyu is always thoroughly enjoyable and worth a look. 

The Erised Effect by @adaprix​

Ada is QUEEN of dramione smut but ‘The Erised Effect’ is top tier. Its equal parts funny, romantic, sentimental and oh so sexy. Ada really knows how to build and build on sexual tension and doesn’t disappoint on the final delivery. I’m a big admirer of her writing style and just veraciously read whatever she posts but ‘The Erised Effect’ is just golden. A must read. (Also Pansy’s sexual fantasy in this story is a visual I don’t think I’ll ever be able to remove from my brain so thanks for that Ada)

Also quick side note: Adaprix’ stories were the first I read when I was looking into this fandom and it was enough to get me hooked on the pairing from the get go so I have that to thank Ada for too. I remember devouring all the stories she had posted to A03 and when I was done I was like... now what am I supposed to do with my life?? And that’s basically when I began to look deeper into the fandom and thus the course of my life in 2020 changed for the better. 

Some other stories I love by her are Break for Me, All My Sins, The Big 4-0, The Fucklust Series and The Flat in Bath. 

Clean by @olivieblake​

This 6th Year AU where Draco and Hermione work together on a class assignment and end up falling in love had me feeling all kinds of ways when I read it. I almost don’t know where to start but I think one of the stand out things for me was how immersed I felt in reading it. 

Hogwarts is captured really well, you get a good sense of class atmospheres, character nuances and behind the scenes of events that happen in HBP but from a Draco and Hermione’s perspectives. It’s well executed and intricate tapestry of a fic. With an excellent plot twist ending! 

Also Hermione and Draco’s relationship in this is equal parts fluffy and smutty and it just ticks all the right boxes that you want to see for those characters ;)

Breath Mints / Battle Scars by @onyx-and-elm​

The angst in this one is just *chef’s kiss*

God I love this fic. The way Draco is portrayed is very true to his defensive and tetchy character in the original books but he is also given so much more depth. The way his diary entries are written are just so well executed. It’s a true testament to the author’s creative writing skill. And I LOVE how even though Draco is clearly in such a messed up place, he still has a basic level of self respect and dignity that he won’t tolerate being used or undervalued in his relationship with Hermione. 

Yep, I really love Draco’s characterisation in this one if you can’t tell.  But Hermione is also well written too. Her stuggles and trauma of returning to Hogwarts after war is described in a believable and grounded way. And my heart definitely ached for them both. I just wanted to wrap the pair of them in a big fuzzy blanket and tell them that everything will be alright. 

WANDS OUT! by @persephonestone​

This murder mystery / Dramione / Theo x Harry / AU crossover is everything I didn’t know I wanted until I read it. I felt like I was picked up and plonked right into an alternative dimension where all the characters of HP are just living it up in an Agatha Christie novel. 

It’s a funny and clever story that I found refreshing to read amongst all the other fanfics that are usually cemented in the HP timeline or universe. Theodore Nott in this fic is perfection he should be written like this in every fic from now on in my opinion. I couldn’t stop giggling any time he had a scene in the story.

And the ‘only one bed’ trope in this fic is 10/10. I don’t want to give spoilers but ohmygod. It hits all the right notes. 

The One With Technical Difficulties by cassielassie 

Cassielassie has an excellent three part series of Dramone called ‘The One with...” but I have to give special credit to this story in particular for one main reason. ELEVATOR TROPES. I can’t get enough of em. I think I have my early childhood viewings of NCIS to thank for my obsession with elevator tropes they just do something to me that simply cannot be explained with mere words. The palpable sexual tension of being in a broken down elevator with an ‘enemies to lovers’ pairing, a heated arguement breaks out followed by a discovery of mutual feelings and a romantic embrace...

Eugh. It gets me everytime. And this fic is no exception. I loved it for all the reasons I’ve already stated above but also for the attention to detail in Draco and Hermione’s careers makes this one particularly immersive. The dynamics between them established in this one-shot are convincingly portrayed and the chemistry between them is so undeniably hot. 

The Light is No Mystery by @masterofinfinities​

Yooo if you want to read a dramione fic that is a deep dive into Pureblood culture and Post-War recovery but is also a perfect allegory for discrimination and today’s political landscape of moral grandstanding for votes then look no further than this one. 

This story has a bit of everything. Intrigue, mystery, ptsd and recovery, enemies to lovers / secret relationship, government conspiracy and humour, to name a few. I eargerly await every update to this story and am anxious to know how it ends!

The Eagle’s Nest by HeartOfAspen 

Finally! A fic that gives me the Ravenclaw representation I crave. I think I could recommend this fic on the lore depicted of Ravenclaw house alone. ‘The Stacks’ and Rowena Ravenclaw’s own ‘come and go room’ are just such cool details that I could see being real in the HP universe. 

This fic is so cosy and makes me feel like I’m just popping back into Hogwarts for another year. You get to see all the usuals like prof. Mcgongall, Nearly headless Nick, PEEVES, Hagrid, as well as learn more about minor characters from the other school houses. The story follows Hermione going to her day to day classes and there are interesting concepts about magic and alchemy that are explored. 

Draco and Hermione’s relationship in this one is of course very fluffy and heartfelt. But it’s the attention to detail that really makes this fic outstanding and the experience of reading it feels fleshed out and true to HP universe.

A shorter fic by HeartofAspen that I recommend is one called Set in Stone, it has an adventurous, Indianna Jones vibe to it, that I am so down for. 

Teachable Moments by @purplesugarquills

In this fic Hermione is an innocent little virgin determined to learn everything about sex. And Draco Malfoy is her tutor. If that isn’t enough to get you on board then I don’t know what is. Both Heartfelt and Steamy. PurpleSugarQuills writes smut so well but it’s the progression of their growing attachment and the nervous treading of new uncharted waters of romantic relationships for both of them that just adds a whole other level of feels to the story. Also chapter 9 is like reading poetry - its so good. Eugh just give it a read if you haven’t already.

Les Pèlerins by @pacific-rimbaud

This story is high art. It’s transcendent. Reading this story feels like the emotional equivalent of standing around a hundred glowing fairy lights, sipping hot cocoa and being wrapped in the loving embrace of a s/o. I can’t speak my praises highly enough or even become passably coherent in my words when I try to articulate a review. 

From the very first paragraph I felt like I was just whisked away on a Parisian holiday and I’ve never even bloody been to Paris but damn it if this story didn’t make me feel like I was there. The writing style is just so tactile and intense it’s like I could feel the cold winter air brush against me as I read it. Eugh I just completely fell in love with the story and the writer. 

New Year’s resolution. Read everything PacificRimbaud has ever posted online.