everyone being so ok with the way things are between nick and boston being short term boyfriends and then boston moving away and nick dating dan is sooooooooooo funny to me. not saying is bad writing at all or that you guys are crazy for liking it. i however like boston and nick in a completely different astral realm i fear. i need them to die for each other i need nick's infatuation to destroy them both literally like let's get into codependency baby!
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conundrum. im trying to be more Real (less chronically dissociated n shit) (well really its mostly depersonalization and derealization that i deal with but those are less familiar words to most) but i dont want real. im sick of it. why should i be a person. i dont want that. fucj that. i want fantasy. i want fun. i want evenings to feel endless and almost overwhelmingly full of possibilities instead of just The Time When I Go To Bed. i wanna be a kid. for real this time. i want the world to be mysterious and thrilling to me. i wanna feel shit deeply. man, im done with this shit. i have all my little ducks in a row and i feel like shit. im doing the normal thing. ive DONE the normal thing. and i dont like it. its dull. i do believe, even deeper down, that the only real ‘purpose’ to life is to help others. to do good and make the world a less shitty place to be trapped in. but god it really is a trap, isnt it. like im not suicidal anymore, havent been for years. but im just so painfully bored of the colors of life. i dont think what i want exists. and if it does, i dont think im allowed to have it.
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we had to put my dog down yesterday and im still sick about it like... i have to go to work today and the dog ive had half my life time that i helped pick out and raise and train.... we had to put her down bc she had a tumor on her spleen but she was almost 11 years old....
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