#and i just feel... so hopeless right now everything i'm trying isn't working or i think i'm getting somewhere and i hit another wall

[yuribalisms]

promise this is my last time bitching about all of this ignore it but

[444takeomi]

WHEN YOU’RE SICK

: ̗̀➛ summary: 1st gen bd taking care of their sick s/o

character(s): shinichiro sano, wakasa imaushi, takeomi akashi, keizo arashi

warnings: none

wc: 0.5k

a/n: i'm sick right now and i wish i had someone to take care of me, so i decided to write this instead💀 also i’m trying out a slightly different format for shorter posts like this one, not sure how i feel about it yet

: ̗̀➛ shinichiro

shin will literally drop everything to take care of you if he finds out you're sick. it doesn't matter if he's busy at work, he’ll close the bike shop without a second thought — you're always his number one priority, especially when you're not feeling well. he feels terrible when he comes home to find you all wrapped up in blankets, your voice scratchy as you weakly ask him if he can make you something to eat. he tries to make you homemade miso soup but he’s literally hopeless at cooking, so he ends up just making instant ramen instead. shin will cuddle with you and watch your favourite movies and tv shows, not worried about the fact he could get sick himself — he's willing to risk it if it means you start feeling better.

: ̗̀➛ wakasa

waka is already a clingy boyfriend, but when you're sick he’s extra affectionate with you because he knows you're not feeling well. he makes you something simple to eat like okayu (rice porridge) because it's easy on the stomach, but also because he’s not that great at cooking either. if you're feeling up to it he’ll run you a warm bath and will offer to help you wash your hair. he gets all pouty if you refuse to kiss him in fear of him getting sick, insisting that he’ll be fine and that one kiss won't hurt — however he ends up regretting his choices the following week, whining to you that he doesn't feel good. you have to spend the next few days taking care of him, and good luck because waka is so dramatic when he's sick.

: ̗̀➛ takeomi

omi was always responsible for taking care of his younger siblings when they got sick, and so he doesn't mind doing the same for you. he might complain about it a little, acting like your sickness is somehow an inconvenience to him, but underneath all that he's actually really worried about you and wants to do whatever he can to help you get better. he hates cooking with a passion, but he will go to the store for you instead and get you whatever you want to eat, as well as some tissues and medicine. omi will roll his eyes whenever you ask him to cuddle with you, but he always gives in because he secretly likes how needy you get when you're sick — he won't admit it out loud but he thinks it's adorable.

: ̗̀➛ keizo

benkei is so attentive when you're sick, you won't have to lift a finger. he has no problem with taking time off at the gym so that he can take care of you. unlike the others, he's a great cook and will happily make you homemade chicken noodle soup — he insists on feeding it to you even if you're perfectly capable of eating by yourself. he keeps on top of your medicine and checks your temperature throughout the day, just to make sure that your fever isn't getting too high. he also encourages you to drink herbal teas like ginger or peppermint, because they can help you feel less congested and reduce nausea. benkei wants to do everything he can to make sure that you're feeling better as soon as possible.

please do not translate, repost, or share my writing on any other platforms eg. tiktok

[iloveyou-writers]

Hi! I'm sorry this ended up longer than I intended to. I really needed to let it out, and I hope you can share some wisdom with me.

I am feeling hopeless about my writing today. Lately I've been fighting with thoughts about how I'm not getting better, and some jealousy completely pushed me to the edge.

For the past couple of months, I've been working on one of the biggest fanfic projects of mine. Normally I don't read on a fandom if I'm actively working for it, exactly because then I compare my writing to others', but since this is taking more time than my other stuff, I allowed myself to take a look today. I immediately found a story that I haven't seen before, and I was exited the whole time! It was great, and have me so much joy.

At first I was full of admiration towards the writer, and inspired to continue woekint on my own story. It was one of the best things I've ever read, and I immediately sat down to write a comment. Then something clicked. My story can't compare to this. The topics are so much different, but the way they write the characters, dialogues, everything, it's so much better.

I tried to tell myself I'm going to get better, but I just hate that despite having great ideas, the finished work will never live up to stories such as the one I read today. Because even though I know I've gotten better in the many years I've been writing, I never had any work I'm proud of, or one that fit the idea I started with. That what makes me feel the most hopeless.

This broke my heart, so I don't want to ignore it, even though I'm "technically" retired from tumblr.

I do want to offer my utmost respect to you for giving yourself boundaries due to knowing yourself well enough to acknowledge that you have an issue with envy.

It is so healthy that you try to work with what you know your attitude tends to be and that you set a boundary for yourself not to read fanfic while you're writing. It isn't that you're not allowed to ever read it, but while you're writing in the fandom. That's great. That's wonderful. I'm proud of you for that.

It can be really easy to fall into the hole of "I'm never going to be good enough." You read something and you can be so amazed by others. I'll bet, though, that if you wrote the exact story you just read, you would likely feel differently about it. Why? Because we artists are HARD on ourselves. It really is true when they say that artists are our own worst critics. We judge every word, every movement our characters make. Why? Because we know the story we're trying to tell. We know what we envisioned when we started typing.

To us, we're comparing our writing to what we wanted it to be.

Readers? Yeah, they can have expectations or hopes for writing, but they ultimately didn't know what we were envisioning while we wrote it. They only know what they read. So they see it with fresh eyes and they see it for what it is, not for what it was supposed to be.

So it's really easy for readers to see the amazing aspects of a writer's work when a writer might only see what they did wrong or what they had to change in order to make the story work.

It's still the same incredible piece. It's still wonderful and I'll bet you're a much better writer than you feel like you are. 💗🫂

Maybe take a step back. Maybe take a few days off, so that the feeling of being "worse" isn't so fresh. Maybe do something else or work on a totally different story. Busy your mind so it isn't focused on what you feel you're not doing right.

No one's perfect. I guarantee the writer that made the story you read is nitpicking the things they wish they didn't have to change or that they feel they could have worded better.

So cut yourself slack. Remember to love your writing, to love where you're at. Writing is a journey. It isn't about getting to the destination. It's about enjoying the ride there. :) You'll get there, just remember to appreciate your writing for what it is now. And one day, you'll be where you want to be. Just keep working at it and loving yourself and your work.

Thank you for reaching out and I really, really hope you find comfort in this response.

Happy writing, my dear nonnie. 💗 I'm wishing nothing but happiness and pride in your work.

~Hannah

[hexiewrites]

on romcommunism, bisexual ted lasso, and the mumford-and-sons of it all

TLDR: this ENTIRE SHOW is about subverting expectations, expecting one thing and ending up with another, trying and trying and trying and ending up with something you never expected but is exactly what you need.

I've been thinking about this a lot, especially in regards to the amsterdamn episode which I think is the show finally 'coming out of the dark forest' so to speak, so I wanted to revisit the romcommunism speech and how it interacts with the theme song and with the other mumford references I see throughout the show, and why I think it points to a possibility of bi!ted, or at least, of a ted ending entirely different than what the majority is expecting it to be.

first off, as a reminder, the rom-communism speech from season 2 episode 5:

"If all those attractive people ... can go through some light-hearted struggles and still end up happy, then so can we. (...) Gentleman, believing in Rom-Communism is all about believing that everything's gonna work out in the end. Now these next few months might be tricky. But that's just 'cause we're going through our dark forest. Fairytales do not start, nor do they end, in the dark forest. That's something that only shows up smack dab in the middle of a story. But it will all work out. Now it may not work out how you think it will, or how you hope it does, but believe me. It will all work out. Exactly as it's supposed to. Our job is to have zero expectations, and just let go."

I've highlighted one of the most important parts of this speech for my analysis here, because when @stevecarrington and I were discussing it they pointed out where that sentiment comes into ted lasso again and again and again:

sound familiar? yup! it's right out of the theme song itself.

I have a lot of feelings about the theme song in general, but specifically the fact that it's... it's not exactly a sitcomedy theme. it's not actually a hopeful song on first read through, but it also kind of is. because one of the unfortunate and inexplicable truths in life is that it's pretty much assured that you might not get what you want, but, as the rolling stones and the season 3 trailer itself tell us, you can't always get what you want, but if you try some time you just might find you get what you need

I'm viewing this very much from a point of, Ted is going to find what he needs this season. he doesn't know yet what that is (winning the whole damn thing? moving back to his son?) but it's our job as the viewers to have no expectations, to not assume that things are going to work out in any specific way but that they will work out. and that you're going to keep trying, you're not going to know what to expect, and what you end up with may be something entirely different than what you thought when it started.

(kind of like having a giant bi awakening, no?)

I also have a lot of personal feelings about mumford and sons (and marcus mumford's) influences on ted lasso. I've started writing that post a hundred times but it's kind of a mess so I haven't posted anything (in the meantime, go watch the hopeless wanderer video, which exists because jason sudeikis is a close friend of marcus mumfords), but the one I come back to over and over is the song believe, and how the lyrics fit so perfectly into this romcommunism concept to the point that I think the entire central theme of the show is built off of mumford&sons lyrics:

and again. this drags it home so hard for me, on all of this. I could do a literal dissertation on what I think are other major mumford and sons influences on the show but this post isn't that. instead, I just want you to think about how the believe lyrics fit in with everything we're seeing. "your world's not all it seems" <- ted is not all he seems. he doesn't know if he believes yet, he needs someone who can "open up [his] eyes, tell [him he's] alive" and it needs to be someone who communicates openly, who talks to him

ted doesn't yet know if he believes. and he might not get what he wants (his marriage to be fixed, an easy relationship, an ending where everything is perfect), but he is going to get what he needs. he is going to try, and try, and we as the audience will go in with zero expectations and trust that it is going to work out.

I think different people will read this differently, but to me, it's a great subversion of the obvious idea that ted and rebecca are going to end up together. the cast has already said again and again that people seem to expect tedbecca to be A Thing, partially because they're both attractive, or they're both leads, because romcoms have trained us to expect this. ted is in a lot of ways some of what rebecca has been in need of, and there are some great posts about rebecca as the rom com heroine and what that means for her arc. but for me, the writers and cast saying that their relationship is strictly platonic, that they're brother and sister, is an excellent example of 'you can't always get what you want, but if you try you get what you need'. they might have some thoughts, they might start to think they'd be right for each other, and they are, but not in the way we might be primed to expect.

what ted and rebecca both NEED in each other is that confident. that platonic love and support that they're both craving in a lot of ways. sure, ted has some of that with beard, and rebecca has some of it with keeley. but their relationship, their connection, is so powerful to me from a platonic place, and this season is going to show them that's what they need from each other and always have.

and what ted needs is someone who can open up his eyes, who can, as mumford say in "white blank page" (which is also a very ted coded song):

he needs someone who can lead him to the truth.

perhaps... someone we might not expect? someone who built his career on finding the truth, and who destroyed it to do just that, to give ted the truth even at the cost of his job and the life he had built?

perhaps now that we've come out of this dark forest, we're going to start to see those expectations shifting, and we're going to see ted get exactly what he needs, even if he doesn't yet know what he wants.

(I want to be clear that I think you can also view this very strongly from the angle of 'ted does not need to end the show in a romantic relationship, he just needs to surround himself with love and truth and platonic support' and truly I think that's more likely to be what we actually see. I just couldn't help the tedtrent implications slipping in a little at the end here.)

[maximoffgxrl]

May I have this dance? {Zoya Nazyalensy}

Pairing: Zoya x fem!reader

Summary: Reader is not feeling well. Everything seems grey and overwhelming and she can't take it anymore, but she keeps hiding in corners and faking smiles so no one notices it. But Zoya notices. She always do.

Note: hi!!! this isn't a request, it's just something i had in mind and finally decided to write, but i'm already working on the requests that were sent! i hope you guys like it <3

You were tired. You had started your day early, slipping into your blue kefta and leaving your room to train along with the other Squallers. You followed your routine quietly and without talking to anyone, but your collegues didn't really care, after all, it was y/n and she was always quiet, your shy personality being well known in the Little Palace.

During lunch, you ate fast and silently, being done and out of the room before most of the grisha even arrived. You didn't want to risk running into Genya, the closest thing to a friend you had here, because you knew the Tailor would know something's wrong.

The afternoon was filled with more training, since studying was your way of occupying your mind. You always were a brilliant student, being fluent in multiple languages and one of the best Etherealki in the Little Palace, and you took refuge on those terms. It was easy for you, simple, and that was all you needed right now.

But you were pushing yourself too much lately, trying to occupy your thoughts all the time so you wouldn't think about all the things you couldn't control, and that came with a price. When the night came, you had a massive headache and sore limbs, so you decided to skip dinner and head straight to your room.

It wasn't really a problem, no one would notice your absence the same way no one noticed the many times your eyes filled with tears during the day. You didn't really care about the lack of friends in your life, it was just another one of the things you were terrible at: connecting with people. There was nothing to be done, just accept it, but it still hurt when you thought that nobody cared about you.

So you went to your room and took a long shower. With your hair still wet you put on a robe and sat by the mirror, staring blankly at your own empty eyes. You didn't know how things had gone this way, you used to be a happy kid - rosy cheeks, jumping around and smiling - but now you just feel sad and it's overwhelming.

Your mind seemed to never slow down, a hundred thoughts per minute, and sometimes you just couldn't breathe. Your chest tightening up, your hands shaking and tears streaming down your face. You were tired, hopeless and lonely, and it was killing you slowly.

With tears in your eyes, you just hung your head and cried, shoulders shaking with sobs, your hair falling around your face. You didn't know how long you stayed like this, only opening your eyes when you felt a hand on your back, stroking it lightly and letting you know that someone else was there.

Thinking it was Genya, you lift your head just to meet an all too familiar pair of blue eyes. Zoya Nazyalensky. Her hand immediately left you body and you tried to hide the surprise in your eyes, but knew it was pointless, Zoya was always able to know exactly what you were thinking, and by the look on her face, she still could.

You had been in the Little Palace for only two weeks when Zoya arrived. You actually saw her, dressed in golden and with dirt on her face, and felt a strange pull towards that little girl looking back at someone you couldn't see. And, lucky for you, she saw you too. It was the first time those blue eyes landed on you, and you felt safe under her watch, comfortable.

So, when one of the older grisha knocked on your door later and asked if you could give the new Squaller a tour, you nodded happily before jumping out of bed, smilling at the girl who eyed you skeptically. You didn't know why they were asking you of all people to help her, you could barely find your own way to your classes, but you wouldn't complain, being curious about the blue-eyed girl the whole day.

For the 9 years old you, being the girl they picked to show Zoya around was destiny, something magic and irreversible. Now, you think it was because the older Squaller saw the possibility of you two being friends since you both arrived at the same time and were the same age. That way you could help each other with the Small Science and develop your studies together.

However, everything was still magic when you were a kid, and you decided in that moment that Zoya was meant to be your friend. You talked a lot while showing her all of the Little Palace and, even though she wouldn't answer all of your questions and kept staring at you with cold eyes, you just smiled, and that seemed to surprise her for only a second before she averted her eyes.

It wasn't easy, but Zoya eventually gave up the cold stares and let you follow her around, rolling her eyes at you excited chattering, but answering anyway and even smilling at you sometimes, when no one was watching, and that was more than enough for you. The two of you were together constantly, and after about a year of this strange relationship, Zoya finally called you a friend.

She wasn't as open as you are, but she would confide you some of her secrets. Zoya didn't like to be seen as weak, and she made sure everybody in the Little Palace knew how powerfull she was, but when she was afraid of her past and scared of being alone, she would hold your hand. She didn't need to say anything and neither did you, your presence being enough to bring her comfort. The lack of words also made her feel like she was still in control, like that simple exchange was nothing, and you were fine with that. You were fine with her.

The years passed and you grew. Zoya was the most beautiful person you've ever met, and also the scariest, but you knew better than to be pushed away by her scowl and harsh words. You didn't mind being in the receiving end of it because you knew she didn't mean to be mean, at least not with you, and she was grateful for that.

However, somewhere about 5 months past you 15 birthday, things changed completely. Zoya started to shut you down. She wouldn't go to your room anymore, and she never started conversations. She listened impatiently when you came to her, and tended to interrumpt you saying she had somewhere else to be. No more holding hands, no more smiles, no more chattering. She was getting more distant every day, and you found yourself helpless. There was nothing to be done, and you had to watch her go and become a stranger to you.

So, to say you were surprised she was staring at you right now was an understatement. You got up quickly, tightening your robe around your body and staring at her with the calmest expression you could.

- Uhm... Hi. - you said simply, pretending your eyes weren't red and puffy and hoping she would do the same. - Do you need something?

- I came to talk to you. - she said. No greeting, her eyes no longer in yours. You just sighed. It was probably for the best.

- About what? - you asked, running a hand through you hair, beggining to worry. - Did I do something wrong? Am I missing something in my classes?

She laughed dryly and you arched your brows, confused. You didn't know what else could be the topic of this conversation. Of course, you knew Zoya was close to The Darkling, but he already had the best Squaller with him, there was no reason for him to come to you.

- No, Y/N, you didn't do anything wrong. - she replied honestly, increasing you confusion. Reluctantly, she continued. - I was worried.

- About what? - you repeated, your brain apparently malfunctioning due to her presence. - Is it something I can help?

She sighed, taking a step in your direction. She lift her hand and it looked like she was reaching for yours, but she just tossed her hair over her shoulders, closing her eyes for a second before staring directly at you.

- About you. - she said simply, as if it was nothing, but you could see how tiff her body was.

It was your time to chuckle humorlessly.

- About me? - you arched your brows, crossing your arms over your chest, the anguish in your heart slowly being replaced with anger. - Funny. Where was this worry for the past two years, Zoya?

- Y/N, please... - she started, but you interrupt, not being able to contain yourself.

- No, I'm curious. Where was this worry when you just vanished from my life? When you decided that our friendship wasn't worth the effort anymore? When you walked away without even giving me am explanation? - you nearly screamed, tears treatening to leave your eyes. - You didn't worry back then. So why would you now?

- It's not like this. - Zoya said firmly, her cold expression giving place to an almost hurt look. - I didn't... I never said our friendship wasn't worth it.

- You didn't need to say it when you left me for no reason. - your voice mas trembeling, but you just could't stop yourself from saying what was stuck inside your heart for so long, tears already streaming down your face. - You were everything I had. My only friend, the only one I trusted in this place... Saints, you were family to me. When you started to act like I didn't exist, I felt my heart break in ways I didn't even know were possible. I loved you so much, Zoya, I would've done anything for you, but you just left me.

- I never meant to hurt you, Y/N. - she started again and for the first time in almost two years, you saw her armor fall at least a little bit. She sighed deeply and all you could see in her eyes was the 10 years old girl who was once your best friend. It was enough to make your heart ache for her, to make you listen. - I also never wanted to leave. You were the only person in this whole place who made me feel comfortable and loved. You weren't trying to change me, to find the adorable girl beneath my cold exterior. You didn't wanna be the one to tame me, you just wanted to be with me and love me despite all my flaws. You were truthfull and kind and loving and sweet, never asking for too much and yet so ready to give me everything. I loved you more than anything.

You were at a loss of words. You've spent so many time wondering what have gone wrong, repeating every interaction you both had in your head just so you could try to understand what you've done to make her go away, and now you were just so confused. If she loved you so much, why did she left?

- Then what went wrong? - your voice was almost a whisper when you spoke, almost dissapearing in the already quiet room. - Why did you left?

- Because that was exactly the problem. - the words left her mouth with so much sadness that all you wanted to do was hold her, but you just stood there, watching her. - I loved you so much, Y/N, I would do anything for you and I had never felt that way before. It was new and it was terrifying. You were gentle and sweet and I was not. I just... I wasn't the girl for you, I couldn't be what you needed and the idea of you realizing that and leaving me was haunting me. I was scared and i decided to leave before I get left. I was so terrified of losing you that I ruined everything we had by myself, and I'm sorry.

- You should have talked to me. - you said, your anger starting to built. - It's not up to you to decide what I need or what's good enough for me.

- I know that, I just... I was scared, Y/N, and I was a coward. Saints, I still am. - she said sheepishly. - It was selfish and wrong, but it was easier for me to walk away from the situation with some sort of control. And after that, I watched as your faded away in the crowd. You used to be so bright and I barely saw you smile anymore, and I knew it was my fault. I was too embarassed to come after you after being a jerk, and that's on me too. I should've been a better friend. I should've been better for you, and I'm sorry.

She finished her sentence looking at the ground, and you were speechless. You could understand why she did what she did and, after all, the two of you were only fifteen when all of this happened, too young and with too many responsabilities. You just didn't understand why she decided to tell you all of this now.

- Look, Zoya, I get it. - you finally said after a few moments of silence. - You were young and scared and you ran. Yes, it was wrong and you should've just talked to me instead, but I don't want to hold a grudge over this. You hurt me and you said you're sorry, and it's ok. I just don't understand why you came to me now.

- I told you, I was worried. - she said simply, lifting her head so she could look you in the eyes. - I see you, Y/N. I never stopped looking after you, I was just doing it from a distance. And this past few weeks... I know something's going on. You don't have to talk to me or explain yourself and I know I don't deserve your trust after two years of nothing, but I just... I couldn't watch you suffer from afar anymore, even if it meant I had to face what I did and explain everything to you. I should've done it sooner, and I'm sorry, but I'm here now, for anything you need.

You looked at Zoya, the fearless and feared Zoya, standing in front of you with teary eyes, no armor, no secrets and no excuses. You were feeling so many thing at the same time that you didn't know where to begin, but you knew you missed her. Even with all the sadness, anger and betrayal you felt, you missed her more than everything.

- You're ridiculous, you know? - you said while tears streamed down your face, taking a step in her direction. - Ridiculous and prideful and really stupid, but I love you and I missed you, so I would really like if you just shut up and hugged me.

A little smile showed up in her face before she wrapped you in her arms, your head resting on her shoulder just like you always did when the two of you were younger. Your body still fit right into hers, it was familiar and warm, and for the first time in a long way, you felt like you belong. You weren't alone anymore.

- I missed holding you so much. - she whispered, her chin resting on the top of your head, one of her hands caressing your hair softly. - I'm sorry it took me so long to come back, I really am.

- You can stop apologizing now, but if you ever leave me again, I will summon lightning just to stop your heart. - you said, your voice muffled by her skin.

- Oh, sweetheart, I will never leave you again. And I won't stop apologizing either. In fact, I have a lot of ideas on how I can make it up to you. - she said and you knew she was smiling.

- I'm only interested in it if by that you meant a lot of candy. - you said, finally breaking the hug to look her in the eye again.

- I can definetely get you candy, but that's not what I had in mind. - she said, her eyes shining with excitement as she took a step back, taking your hand in hers. - May I have this dance, Y/N/N?

You couldn't help but smile. When the two of you were younger and couldn't attend the balls the older grisha were invited too, you used to stay in the hallway where you could listen to the music they were playing and ask Zoya at least a thousand times to dance with you. It warmed your heart that she remembered.

- There's no music. - you answered, but your arms were already wrapped in her neck.

- We don't need it. - she said, pulling you close by the waist and making you giggle.

- You're right. - your voice was soft and calm, the tears you cried early already in the past. - I have all I need right here.

Zoya blushed and you smiled as she twirled you around your room, your laugh being the only music the two of you listened to, and for that moment, you forgot all about your loneliness and your pain. You were filled with love and joy, and you knew it wouldn't last forever, but at least you weren't alone. Facing the bad things with someone by your side was easier, and when Zoya hugged your waist firmly and kissed your cheek, you couldn't think of a problem the two of you couldn't solve.

You were home now, and nothing would ruin that.

[kittyandco]

i actually have no idea what to do right now [more info and an insight into how i've been feeling lately under the cut].

i've been trying to find a job for almost 10 months. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of slogging through applications and unfair job descriptions, changing my resume for the 50th time (or not and just mass applying), writing new cover letters (or not and just using the same one), researching companies to prepare for interviews for hours at a time, scrutinizing my every move and breath because i know that they're already doing it and it still isn't good enough. i'm almost 250 applications deep. many interviews that never amount to anything. it feels like i'm running out of jobs to even apply for. [trying to move beyond retail but even those are hit-or-miss] thinking about job applications and employment is basically a compulsion at this point and i WISH i could get it out of my head.

i am bored beyond belief. i hate how much time i've had to fill with just scrolling my dash or my youtube home feed when it's the same stuff on it over and over and over and not even deciding on anything to read/watch. how much time i've spend just... laying there. there have been times where it's just so hard to take care of myself, where i don't have much of anything motivating me.

my life has amounted to absolutely nothing (i know that isn't TRUE but it feels like it right now); i won't even reach any semblance of independence that i so desperately need anytime soon. i thought i could. i really thought i could succeed. i can't seem to move forward in any way at all. my two options are standing still or moving backwards. idk what to do. i've tried everything i can think of

it's gotten to the point where i'm either angry, sad, uncomfortable, or guilty all the time and i hate it so much. the only time i don't feel that way is when i'm working on my personal projects, reading, or hanging out with my friends. that can only take me so far, too. because sometimes, especially with the reading and personal projects, it feels like an obligation to get my mind off stuff, rather than what i want to do. i just feel trapped in a small, small world.

i've just gone nonverbal for the past few hours. i can't even look my parent (the one who isn't constantly criticizing literally everything i do on top of everything going on and knowing how i've been feeling) in the face and say hello. i try. very hard. to not seem hopeless. but this happens a lot. i'm so irritated i just want to be ALONE for ONCE. i don't want to answer to anyone. i'm ready to just get away. i'm just so beaten down

i have editing and extensive writing experience so i've been thinking about opening paid requests to edit essays or other types of writing, or even fic commissions, but i know that it isn't even going to go anywhere. all anyone cares about is art anyway and i stopped posting my writing here long ago because of that. so i probably won't even bother

please don't comment with advice or questions about job applications or anything of the sort. no "something will come along" please... it's just so painful to hear now. when i say i've heard it all, TRUST ME. i do not want to hear it.

anyway i just wanted to get this out where others could see it but not in a one-on-one conversation, and not in the private pages of my journal. my journal is full of stuff just like this, and it makes me feel worse just continuing to fill it with spiraling of the same same same same same same because nothing ever changes for me

and finally, if one of you is going through the same thing, take solace. you aren't alone. you are loved despite how you feel

[sansxfuckyou]

all of a sudden

Summary: Casey Jones is good at adapting, but he didn't expect to be adapting to mutating

Warnings: body modification, small panic attack, angst in general, check Ao3 port for full tags

Authors Note: inspired by the possum Casey Jones AU made by @probably-not-a-rutabaga except with some rasey vibes that can be ignored if thats not your style. anyways, hope ya'll enjoy and if you do consider dropping a reblog or checking the ao3 port

It's covered in fur and has claws instead of nails, it's hissing as the mutagen worms through it's body and then it's dropping.

It isn't Casey Jones anymore, something much more creature. Chest heaving up and down and furred body immobile, hockey gear still strapped to it's form. Raphael just stares, in shock, in awe, partially paralyzed by the fear and the worry.

His partner in everything just mutated, into a rat, or something very rat like. And Raphael didn't take the hit, he should've, he probably would've went mad or turned to a primordial ooze of some sort if he did but it would be better than Casey having this fate. He slams the final Kraang against a wall before hoisting up Casey's body, it's light, lanky, mammalian.

Donnie can fix him.

-/-/-/-

"What happened?!" Was Donatello's first response to seeing Casey, "Who the fuck is this and where's Casey?"

"That is Casey," Raphael supplied.

Donatello nearly faints.

"Fix him," Fingers trace over the expanse of almost matted fur where the jacket does't cover anymore. He feels this deepseated guilt as he looks at Casey, he could've stopped this, he could've taken the hit. He should've been the one to get hit with that mutagen blast, not Casey.

"I don't think I can, I'll try but I think it's hopeless," Donatello claimed rather boldly, "I can probably stabilize him enough to keep his humanity-"

"Then do that, just don't lose him," Raphael practically begged, "Please."

-/-/-/-

There's the sound of someone shrieking followed by a shatter that draws Raphael from his state of almost there but not quite. He's quick to glance over to Donatello's lab to find a rat rushing out and freaking out. Terror is apparent on it's face as it glances around frantically in search of something to look at it's reflection.

"Casey,"

It whips it's head around to look at Raphael and it's absolutely Casey Jones, just in a different body. Taller, thinner, furrier, but it's still Casey, panic and fear, but all Casey. The turtle slowly walks over, as if he'll spook the possum if he goes too fast and he probably will.

"Raph," It speaks softly, quietly, voice cracking. Then it's leaned against it's partners plastron, holding on tight and crying. It's so confused, so lost, so wrong, "What happened to me?"

Raphael doesn't answer right away, just holds onto Casey and doesn't let go. A snout is nuzzled against his neck and they were the same height once, not anymore. He rubs circles onto the possums back, "Mutagen."

"Oh god," is all Casey can supply in response to the new knowledge, body shaking even more, "I'm not human, I'm not-"

"Yes, you are. You're Casey Jones, I promise," Raphael answered with before Casey could spiral, "You're still my partner, still our best friend, still Casey Jones."

There's a weak nod even though Casey doesn't believe a word coming out of Raphael's mouth, "Okay."

-/-/-/-

Casey Jones is an opossum, almost a rat but not quite, and he has an eternal vendetta against the Kraang. He lives in a sewer because of them, he's an animal because of them, he lost his sister because of them. Everything out there is gone because of them and he could do nothing but sulk in the sewers over his new body.

And now he's out in a farmhouse, naught but an animal and he swears he's losing his grasp on humanity a little bit more everyday. But he digs his claws in and tries not to let go because he's got the turtles, a group of four that were never human in the first place but have treated him so much better than any human ever has. If they learned humanity from a rat then he can hold onto what he already knows for his sake and their sake alike.

Hockey stick against sai every single day. Baseball bat against bo staff every single day. Fists against nunchaku every single day. He holds onto that humanity by working out the animal in violence whenever he can. He burned the scare crow mutant to a crisp when no one was looking, he grabbed his lighter and lit it up before anyone could say a thing. Before it could hurt anyone else.

He eats meat and steals scraps off of every one's plate because he's still getting used to the needing to eat every couple hours thing in smaller portions. He sleeps in the morning and wakes at noon, training every hour he's active because what else is there to do aside from chat and play shitty board games.

"Hey, Case," Raphael begins as he watches his partner eviscerate a raw slab of meat on a once white porcelain plate.

The possum snaps up and his pupils are slit, he has blood smattered on his snout and stuck in his fur, dripping from his whiskers. He just stares and chews before swallowing, "Yeah?"

"Do you want some water?" Raphael gently nudges over a glass and Casey is quick to grab it with bloodied paws, he drinks it eagerly.

"Thanks, still getting used to this," He gestures vaguely to himself, "And the meat cravings, and the sleep schedule."

"I know, just try to ease up on the craze, I think you scare Mikey sometimes," Raphael said.

Casey shrugged, "Oops, that's why we eat in the kitchen instead of out there with everyone else."

Raphael just rolled his eyes and took another bite of his pizza, "We'll go out and train after this, work out some of your energy."

"Fucking wicked," Casey answered with.

-/-/-/-

This is the closest Casey Jones will ever get to feeling like himself ever again.

Tip of the sai to his throat and all he does is smile because this is home.

Hockey stick to the back of his partners knees and all he does is smile because this is home.

Cruel words spat and all he does is smile because this is home.

Raphael pierces the tip of his sai into Casey's arm just to draw blood, just to feel pain, to understand what keeps him human.

And Casey Jones has one thing to say in response to the violence.

"Thank you,"

[ashe-studies]

[ s**cide warning ] - a big problem i have with sonic prime s3 ( amongst several other ones i have ).

.

i've talked about this at length ( more or less ) with a friend of mine and this bothered both of us, so i wanted to see if anyone else had this issue.

according to one scene in s3, Sonic is canonically suicidal. not self-sacrificial ( which can mean the same thing, but often doesn't ), but suicidal.

for comparisons sake, let's talk about Leonardo from ROTTMNT, who was the example of self-sacrificial.

Leonardo and Sonic are in a similar boat. they made a mistake ( though, i firmly believe Sonic's was less of a mistake and more of an unfortunate circumstance ), and they try to fix it throughout the story.

while i'm not going to debate Sonic's characterization here ( cuz i think it's utter dogshit and is for an entirely different post ), i will talk about the mindsets that make these two different.

Leonardo didn't want to die here. he was fine with doing so, but only because he believed that would keep his family safe. if he did want to die, we wouldn't see Leo put so much thought into his actions.

we see that he isn't looking for the opportunity to die. throughout the entire movie, he's self-destructive because he knows that, at least to some extent, the plan going wrong was his fault. he knows ( or believes, depending on how you view the movie ) that Raph sacrificing himself only happened because Leo didn't listen.

so, Leonardo isn't suicidal, but self-sacrificial. because he just wants his family back.

now, let's move back to Sonic.

( this is not the scene where he's suicidal, obviously )

when Sonic goes to confront Nine on his own, Nine says at some point:

"you want to save everyone. friends, foes, total strangers. you say it's because you're a hero and that's what heroes do, but deep down... after what you did, destroying your own home, it's the only way you can ever live with yourself. even if that means you won't live at all."

this is Sonic's self-destructive behavior.

rather than focusing on one goal, Sonic focuses on all of them ( to varying degrees, cuz the writer's don't know what they're doing ) at expense of his own. yes, he wants Green Hill to come back, but it's more of for his friends ( Shadow included ) than for himself.

at first, he misses Green Hill. he really wants to go home. but by s3, it's more or less him just wanting Green Hill to exist again. it's like he no longer cares if he's in the picture.

and considering how Sonic was the key to everything ( due to his Prism energy ), he'd have to become a sacrifice at some point, but this confrontation is different.

for one thing, Sonic is alone.

he tries to push his friends away before talking to Nine.

he doesn't deny that he can't live with himself if he doesn't try to save everyone.

the only reason Sonic stopped was because his friends intervened.

of course, Sonic might not show all the symptoms of a suicidal person ( unless ofc, you're looking into this as deep as i am ), but that's not because he's no longer suicidal. that's not how it works. it's because right after the intervention, it's never brought up again. it's just bad writing and it's disrespectful.

but as i see Sonic as someone who's suicidal, according to the suicide prevention resource center, the symptoms are:

feeling unbearable pain

Nine's comment on how it's the "only way he can live with himself" can be seen as Sonic feeling unbearable pain from his own guilt. this can also be related to Sonic in s2 when he's in Ghost Hill for the first time.

Sonic has been going left and right trying to help everyone else in their respective Gateways that his progress on returning home slowed. especially since he didn't know Green Hill didn't have its own Gateway, but instead was destroyed.

death, or a recent fascination with death.

his sacrifice could be seen as such. especially since this was after what Nine said.

feeling hopeless, worthless, or trapped.

throughout s3, Sonic repeatedly has doubt or hopeless about himself or the situations around him. of course, the moments are fleeting, but the amount of times he does this could lead to something a suidical person would say or do.

feeling guilt, shame, or anger.

aside from his guilt, Sonic has expressed shame ( it doesn't help Shadow kept beating it into him that it was his fault every 2 seconds ) in s2-s3, and anger was prominent within s3. it was towards Nine, mostly, but it felt almost unnatural or uncharacteristic anger.

feeling like a burden to others.

Sonic had tried to isolate himself from everyone else more than once, emotionally or physically, and only stopped once his friends made it clear they weren't leaving.

changes in behavior or mood that are relevant to Sonic specifically:

recent attempt ( again, sacrifice )

withdrawing from family, friends, or community ( his repeated attempts to do things alone // isolating himself due to his guilt )

losing interest in personal appearance or hygiene ( more or less out of Sonic's control, but we've only seen him take even a little bit care of himself when he was on Dread's ship )

a recent episode of depression, emotional distress, and // or anxiety ( repeated emotional distress, having to be pulled out of the cave, shaking or fidgeting hands, etc. )

changes in eating // sleeping patterns ( again, not totally within his control, but it would affect one's mental state regardless )

becoming violent or being a victim of violence ( ...*COUGHS* sha- *COUGHS* ni- *COUGHS* )

expressing rage ( Sonic's borderline threats about Nine )

recklessness ( ... )

again, because this is never brought up after, i wouldn't be surprised if people didn't think too much into this scene beyond "oh, Nine's evil and mean".

purely from a writer's perspective, i don't think Sonic Prime is a good show. it's what i consider a "junk food show". something to laugh at for its quality. but i don't consider it a good show.

so, i'm not surprised that Sonic's suicidal behavior or the talk about Sonic's mindset isn't brought up again, but it is still disappointing and offensive to those who struggled or continue to struggle with suicidal ideation or acts.

this is probably the only official Sonic media that has a suicidal Sonic, and they don't even treat it with respect. because of course they don't. what does it matter? Sonic's a dumb little guy anyway!

anyway, this is just my long way of saying that i see Sonic as a suicidal hero, not a self-sacrificial one ( or not only a self-sacrificial one ), and why Sonic Prime pisses me off for this reason.

it's fine to have a suicidal hero character. it brings a lot of things up for discussion.

but it's not okay to use it as a way to make your audience sad for a few minutes, then pull the rug from beneath them.

[geddy-leesbian]

@serennedyweek2024 DAY 6: CHAINED TOGETHER

drabble unearthed from the depths of my drafts based on a scene from The Mighty Boosh (and some dialogue lifted right from the scene oops)

Leon wakes up, chained again.

“Oye!” Chained to Luis. Again? The annoyance on Luis's face melts away, replaced with concern. “Leon, you look... Out of it. Are you okay?”

“You know my name.”

“Yes? Agent Leon Kennedy? Did they hit your head harder than I thought?”

“No, no. I'm okay. That deja vu just really confused me. Was afraid that this was the first time we got chained up together, and everything I thought happened after was just a dream.”

“Unfortunately, no. We got captured and chained up a second time. You got the mercy of being knocked out. Me, I'm less dangerous, so they just roughed me up again and I got to be conscious for every excruciating second of being dragged down here.”

“Why are we alive?”

“Getting existential on me, eh, Sancho?”

“No, I mean why did they keep us alive? They could have just killed us.”

“Wait, you haven't figured it out?”

“Figured what out? Be straight with me, this all feels weird.”

“They, as in Los Illuminados, never wanted to kill you. The ganados tried at first, because they were locked into attacking anyone they didn't recognize, but after Mendez found you, your life wasn't in any danger. Your mind was, of course, but not your life itself.”

“That doesn't make any sense. Everything I had to fight, that tried to kill me?”

“Distractions. They wanted you to kill a few things, report to your people that the situation was worse than expected, but that you believed you could still get Ashley out by yourself. And you would be clueless to what was happening inside you. You would succumb to your plaga before actually saving Ashley. Then, 'you' under Saddler's control would contact whoever to say that you had Ashley and were ready to be extracted. Just like that, Saddler has his foot in the door of a global superpower. Or that was what was supposed to happen, at least. Saddler knew I wasn't entirely loyal, but he still wasn't expecting me to actively help you. But it doesn't matter, because all I did was delay the inevitable. It took longer than expected, but ultimately you'll lose yourself to your plaga down here.”

“How do you know all of this? And why aren't you dead? If all of that is true, they didn't have any reason to keep you alive.”

“Look, that's a mystery to me too. The plan for you was just basic logic, if you keep in mind why Saddler had Ashley kidnapped. Me? I don't know! All I have is a guess.”

“And what might that be?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I still think this is weird, and I'm beginning to suspect you're still working for them.”

“I'm working for them, and yet they beat the hell out of me and threw me into this dungeon?”

“You're just convincing me everything is hopeless so I won't even try to escape, just sit here twiddling my thumbs until my mind is gone,” Silence. “Luis, are you crying?”

“Why do you care? You think I’m just down here to distract you. Maybe distracting you is why I'm crying.”

“Sorry.”

“Okay. I did lie to you. I know exactly why I'm alive and down here. This is my punishment. I didn't just resist my plaga gift, I removed it. Killed it. Just killing me wouldn't be a harsh enough punishment. Instead I get to watch you slowly succumb to a cruel fate I was directly involved in. Once you and Ashley are on your way to start destroying the whole world with my creation, Saddler will finally kill me.”

“Maybe we're fucked, but the world isn't. Whoever picks us up will notice something is wrong.”

“I admire the optimism… ”

Silence. Again. Which is strange. Usually the problem is that Luis seems physically incapable of just shutting the fuck up. And now that he actually has, Leon misses his voice.

“Luis, I love you,” Luis is making some sort of noise, but tries to muffle it. “Are you laughing?”

“No.”

“You better not be. I'm telling you I love you, don't laugh at me!”

“But you make me laugh.”

“Failing my mission and fucking up the world as we know it is humiliating enough. You don't need to laugh at me.”

“You just caught me off guard, don't take it so personally.”

“Really?”

“Yes, it was out of the blue. One minute you think I'm still working for Los Illuminados, the next you're telling me you love me!”

“But still. I'm telling you I love you and you're laughing!”

“I love you too, Leon.”

“No, you don't.”

“I do!”

“You're just saying that because I said it and you feel bad. It doesn't work.”

“No. I really do love you.”

[a-friend-of-mara]

Hey uh

I'm leaving my mask at the door for a minute

If you enjoy the image of myself I put forward, the happy cheery autistic trans girl who doesn't dwell on her issues

Please just ignore this post

If you are uncomfortable with mentions of self harm, talking about non prescription drug addiction, suicide rates of trans kids

Please just go

Look

I say my biggest fear is that I'll be forgotten

It's easier than saying that I'm scared to death of myself

I'm worried I'll give up on life and stop eating... considering I can't gain or maintain weight I'd have a week before I was dead at the most

I'm afraid that I'll give up trying to look like the person I want to be rather than being stuck, trapped in a body that isn't mine but I'm wired up to like some sick torture method

I don't want to fall into drug use or self harm hoping that it'd pull me out of this pit of self hatred and hopelessness

I don't wanna be another tally mark on the trans suicide charts

I don't wanna die

I feel like I'm suffocating

That I can't move my legs... only the ones attached to me

I don't even know if I matter at this point

I just

I wanna be me

Not some false image that I was born with

Nobody understands how it is for me

My dad almost killed me with th fact he understood so little he put me into survival mode where I cared about nothing but staying alive because of how much damage his insistence that my body was in fact his son and not the cage that trapped his daughter

He used to have twins now he just has one kid with her twin sister... my sister

Now I live with my mom who doesn't understand, how could she? She's never wanted to tear her skin off because it wasn't hers... she understands how much I hurt though

She's able to see through my mask that I'm really suffering inside

Without her yall wouldn't have ever known I existed

You would've heard a news article of a trans kid who killed herself by diving off the balcony at her school although the media would misgender me.

I've almost done it

Sitting on the edge of a lethal drop fighting with myself to not do it

Not sure if I was lying when i told myself things would get better

I'm not sure if they are

Everything just keeps getting worse and worse

I can't even cry anymore

I don't care about so many things that I used to

I used to love

Then I was heartbroken

I used to care for my friends

Until I moved away

I used to enjoy helping others

Now I'm so tired I can't

Just

Fuck

It's kinda funny

How part of me thinks it's all my fault

How I'm not sure if it's something I did

But then I have to think

What could I possibly have done that'd make this torment justified?

How can any higher power exist when I've prayed to every God and Goddess I've ever learned of and not once has a goddam thing happened

How would a higher power let the world get this fucked up

Fuckin hell

My trans siblings are getting murdered for being themselves

Innocent people who live in unfortunate places are being killed because of stupid ass reasons

Fucking hell in America most people aren't free enough to take a month off work without becoming homeless

Decades of prejudice make people think women are weak and need defending but don't pay them well because... fuckin I don't know why!

It's pathetic that men get away with rape while women get away with false rape accusations usually destroying every relationship the man ever cared about

People look at others and treat them differently based on the color of their skin

YA KNOW HOW FUCKIN STUPID THAT IS?!

ITS DUMBER THAN PICKING ON SOMEONE WHO WORE A BLUE SHIRT PURELY BECAUSE OF THE SHIRT

What for?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR?!

The privilege to go through 12 to 20 years of school to earn the right to have to work a job I'll probably hate until I'm like 60?!

Right now I'm pretty sure my life is gonna end before I reach 30!

What's the fuckin point?!

America for fucks sake

The land of the free

Yeah free to work or die because the 0.01% run the fucking nation like their playground

People wonder why I've responded to hostility with hostility in the last 3 years

Simple

I've bottled my emotions for so long the bottles are all full

Yelling and ranting always make me feel a little better

If anyone comments on this negatively I hope you die in a vat of boiling vinegar and drown in the yolks of rotten eggs

That goes for all the phobic people too

If you made it through this whole essay sized emotional breakdown and don't think I'm a complaining winey bitch

I can only say I wish the world was made of more people like you

Alright

Time for sleep

[naffeclipse]

I'm joining in the bounty hunter!Eclipse 'painful and slow and sometimes lonely but working on it' redemption arc thoughts because they are making me go feral /pos

so it's been mentioned that BH!Eclipse does (slowly, painfully, shredding his pride in the process) begin making attempts to try and step away from the blood he spills, making the world's longest U-turn to go back in the direction of Vigilante!Y/N and his brothers. to come home, as Sun and Moon both ask of him. and it's hard, but bringing down the initial wall to ask for help is part of it, and maybe yes there are evenings where Eclipse is seen and there's blood on his shirt. but also maybe there's an evening in the precinct where Moon sees Eclipse handing over a criminal very much alive and intact, and there's an affirmation.

maybe there's an evening where Eclipse knows that a job in his hand wants the method that he knows works best, but instead of going through with the 'easy' practise (it's the only way he knows) he goes by his brothers' apartment to talk it through, to get someone else to say what could/should/they want done. chances are it could lead to an argument, but that's part of the process.

at what point does the change become apparent to all parties involved? for Sun and Moon, is it that moment in the precinct or is it on the chance that Eclipse agrees to a plan that they put forward? and then also for Eclipse, what is the moment that shows him that all this is moving him around towards coming home?

I am extremely soft for this redemption arc, your honor - @clxckwork-sun-n-moon

For Sun, it's when Eclipse finds him one afternoon. He's covered in blood from a bounty that he wanted to take in alive but that quickly turned into dead. He should have been doing better. He was doing better. He feels himself backsliding and he confesses to Sun that he messed up. He went too far and let himself do what he shouldn't. Sun doesn't see this as all hopeless—Eclipse came to him, telling him what happened, and trusting him to help him overcome this setback. Sun knows then, Eclipse is going to make it.

Moon is on a case when he crosses paths with Eclipse, though Eclipse isn't aware of his presence immediately. Eclipse is with a bounty he just caught, and he's well within his right to use all the bone-breaking force he wants, but he deliberately holds back, refraining from the violence that would be acceptable for the job but not for his brothers' expectations. Moon then makes his appearance known, and together, they haul the guy downtown. It's on the car right over that Moon sees how far Eclipse has come.

(Gonna toss the vigilante into this as well) It's a true moment of trust and faith being rewarded for the vigilante when Eclipse controls himself around them. It's what they've always expected out of him, and he's finally able to hold them gently and make them feel safe, and when they slip away, he doesn't try to squeeze them too tight to force them to stay a second longer in his grasp. It's a simple moment of an encounter late at night in the scary parts of the city, where the vigilante does what they do best with flirts and charm, and Eclipse is himself, but he doesn't try to do what he wants. He lets them go when they decide to leave. It's so small and quiet, but the vigilante does not miss it, and they smile to themselves as they disappear between city blocks.

The point of seeing himself truly change for Eclipse is when he literally comes home—there's room for him in his brothers' apartments. They make the space and invite him to stay with them so he can be closer. He remembers the beginning of all three of them surviving on their own in one tiny crappy apartment and how it was only bearable because they were all together. Now, everything is so much better, and there's one vigilante thrown into the mix who smiles from the bed that they've claimed in their 'guest' room.

He finally gets to come home and this time he's going to stay.

[yokozii]

Life Update

full transparency: I figured I'd express and post this now before I don't have access to do so.

I have been trying my hardest to find work and I have an interview tomorrow but it is a distance I have to travel and I can't afford to get there. it was either buy food for next few days or not have enough for the ride. I literally have not had much $ this past month, from having to pack up and leave my hotel to moving here took all my money I had. my best friend even helped which was great, she's an angel and I even had a few people donate to help me which was wonderful I appreciate those people a ton too.  unfortunately this job, they're the only company that has replied to me within the last 2 weeks, my last interview decided not to pick me that I spent over a month in communication with which sucks. I've applied to 32 jobs within the last month. I literally counted them all and I feel like either someone is preventing me from getting hired, my phone & email are both hacked, or something is stopping my progression. patreon funds for June went towards my storage where all my things are *so grateful for everyone here for that* and transportation to move around. other than those I have nothing at this point. all of my saved $ went towards the hotel which is what frustrates me the most that they did not care about my situation at all prior to having to leave. to make matters worse the lady that I've been staying with doesn't really want me here & isn't who I thought she was when she offered me to stay. I thought she was a friend (old co-worker) but all she does is lie about everything, steal, and does alot of crooked hateful things to people and is really mean to her kids. but she sent me a text tonight that said her landlord found out I was staying here and I have to leave by friday or she gets evicted. which I don't know is even true or if she is lying about it and just wants me gone because I asked her eldest son who and he was clueless. either way I don't have anywhere to go, shelters are full for the next month near me and everything is getting worse and worse & I feel very hopeless. I don't know what to do.

I don't want to constantly ask or expect help but I do think this is because for so many years I went through alot of abuse and pain and did not ask for help which is more than likely why I'm in this position and I have no one to depend on irl, I have never asked for help up until I left last year and I still struggle with it and I'm doing all of this on my own without help. this is alot on me & I can't take this on

I don't know when I will be able to make anything new or be active creating so don't expect any CC moving forward for the time being. I just can't do this mentally

I'm mobile right now, but if anyone can help I'd be grateful. here are my links 

direct paypal link

cashapp : $Yokozii

Ko-Fi

thank you everyone , if you can't it's okay but please share if you can

*this will auto post when the queue runs out sometime in July, I'm not going to be actively posting for a while, I will check notifications from mobile*

[anangelwhodidntfall]

French Tutor: Robin Buckley

Stranger Things Masterlist

word count: 643

Request: hii!! can you do a robin ff where the reader is looking for a french tutor and robin finds out and wants to tutor them but unfortunately robin doesn't know french so she learns french for reader and ends up tutoring them, just like Cameron from 10 things i hate about you. thanks!!!

Robin's crush on you was so hopeless, she had never fallen so fast for someone including Tammy but then she laid eyes on you and it was like everything changed. You were the most beautiful thing she had laid eyes on in Hawkins, you two didn't run with the same crowds but you were always nice to her every time you passed by her or when you came into the movie store.  

Like right now Robin had been putting tapes away when you walked into the store and started to look around probably for whatever movie you were going to rent for this weekend not paying attention to your surrounding and Robin just sat there watching you making Steve roll his eyes as he nudged her nearly making her fall as she groaned at Steve. 

"Jesus Steve." She said. 

"You deserved it, you were being a little too creepy." Steve said to her making her roll her eyes. 

"Was not." She said scoffing at him. 

"Were too, I don't know why you just don't talk to her like right now." He said as they saw you approaching the counter. 

"Steve!" Robin said watching him walk away before turning towards you and sighing. 

"Hi, there did you find everything okay?" She asked you. 

"Yeah, I did, thanks." You said giving her a small smile as she scanned the movies. 

"Girls?" Isn't this movie like in fully french?" She asked you curiously.

"Yeah it is but I'm trying to learn French and so far this movie is the closest thing I can get to a French tutor." You said.

"You're looking for a french tutor?" Robin asked you. 

"Yeah I am, why?" You asked her confused. 

"Well I know French so I could tutor you. If you would like that is." She said as Steve looked at her weirdly because she didn't know French at all. 

"Really? That would be amazing if you could." You said beaming at her which made her legs feel weak. 

"Yeah, we could meet in the library during fourth period, on Monday, if you want." She said. 

"Yes, that works! Thank you so much, see you, Monday Robin." You said smiling at her as you left the store.

"You don't know French." Steve said to her as they closed up the store. 

"I know I don't but come on it can't be that hard right?" Robin said shrugging her shoulders. 

Oh, how wrong Robin was. She had spent all weekend learning French and probably knew as much as you did. She sat in the library studying the french textbook in hopes that maybe she would start to retain it while she waited for you to arrive. 

"Seriously your still going through with this?" Steve asked her. 

"Yes I am, what I am supposed to say, that hey I actually don't know french I only volunteered because I have a crush on you?" She asked him unaware you were standing behind them. 

"Everything okay here?" You asked making them turn around and look at you with wide eyes because you heard everything. 

"Good luck." Steve whispered to her before giving you a small wave as he left. 

"So you did this all just so you could talk to me?" You asked with a small smile as you took a seat across from her. 

"Yes I did. It's just that I've had a crush on you for the longest time but could never work up the courage to talk to you or even ask you out." Robin said rambling which you found adorable as you placed a hand ontop of hers. 

"I like you too Robin." You said making her look at you shocked.

"You do?" She asked you. 

"I do. So let's forget the french lesson and plan our for this weekend." You said making her smile. 

"I would like that alot." She said. 

[charleslebatman]

can i just say it feels like history is repeating itself? first kimi then vettel now leclerc. ferrari throws away talents and then cry about it.

i know we’re only at the 7th race (feels like the 234th) but the only good weekend (kinda the race) was in baku, and im still trying to understand how is it possible that is always leclerc’s car, every. single. bad. race. call me conspirator (not sure is the right word, but pls understand what i mean) but how can it keep being a coincidence? it’s either sabotage or the people working there have zero fucking clue of what they’re doing (honestly don’t know what’s worse).

i feel so bad for Charles bc he believes so much in the team and keeps doing it after every bad weekend, while on the other side, it doesn’t look like it, and it really breaks my heart.

The length of the latest article alone, shows the failings at Ferrari. And, sorry to say, the discrimination that has been present since Todt left. It just shows me that we have to stop believing in coincidences and Ferrari's pretty public speeches.

Charles is sabotaged, but he's so loved by the tifosi that it's very complicated for Ferrari to appoint him second driver. So they do what they do best, sabotage him in the races and praise him in the speeches, making us believe that he is indeed the first driver. But he's absolutely not. I don't want to denigrate Carlos, because he's still a driver and he's just part of a system from which he benefits. Which is what anyone would do. But the more the seasons go by, the more Ferrari tries to introduce him as a potential winner.

The problem is that Charles is very good. On a par with Max. As a result, even with a shitty car, he does incredible things. I wouldn't say that's a problem for Ferrari. That's not the point. But I don't think that's the pattern they have in mind. I'm sorry, but this curfew thing shows a lot. They don't bother to put their most talented driver in the best possible conditions.

The fact that Carlos is second is what counts. They're in Barcelona, almost on pole, and their Spanish sponsor Santander is delighted. Why get into trouble for someone who's not the favorite in their plan, and who's been sabotaged to boot? Call me a conspiracy theorist. But no matter how much you criticize Red Bull, they're doing the right thing. You're good, we'll do anything to help you.

Ferrari proves that money is everything, and talent will never be as important as sponsors. You're going to tell me that it's the same everywhere. But it's not. Of course money counts for every team. But in teams like Red Bull, which have been dominant in the past or are dominant today, talent is at the same level as sponsors.

They know that talented drivers will always find a sponsor. They bet on drivers. Not sponsors. Which is Ferrari's mistake. Ferrari thinks the brand is enough. It isn't. New fans are first and foremost supporters of a driver, not a team. That comes later. It's not like 15 years ago. I'm a Charles fan, then a Ferrari fan. If Charles goes to Red Bull, I'll still be a fan of his and then Red Bull. I'm a driver first. Not a team. Especially a team that sabotages. You think sabotaging means being some kind of Joker or Marvel villain. But it doesn't. Sabotage also means not taking the time to do the job properly. Doing it carelessly.

That's what's happening with Charles and this curfew thing. The idea is clearly to sabotage. Charles will be the favorite of the tifosi, but never of Ferrari. He's clinging to a hopeless dream.

I think he wants so much to pay tribute to Jules, that he's trying to finish what Jules couldn't because he left too early. So, if he leaves Ferrari without a championship, he'll see it as a failure. That he hasn't honored his memory. Many people, perhaps too many, compare him to Jules. As a result, I get the impression that, unconsciously or not, he feels he has a mission to fulfil. That's just my opinion.

But that's what I see, a lot in the french-speaking community. Charles is almost french to us, not because he speaks French. But because he reminds us too much of Jules. And he was incredibly talented.

All the french interviews I've come across with old acquaintances or friends of Jules who say that Jules lives in Charles are frightening. I think that today, this comparison does Charles a disservice.

I sincerely hope that Fred will succeed in being the new Todt. Finally, let the drivers express themselves and stop seeing the sponsor at every victory. Even for Carlos, it's not healthy. Every time he wins, he's seen as a sell-out who doesn't belong there because the talented driver has been sabotaged. Whereas at McLaren he was really good and appreciated.

[crow-raven-crow]

𝟐𝟎 𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫 𝐐𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

Tagged by @weemssapphic - thank you, dovey 🤍

𝟏. 𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐀𝐎𝟑?

16.. I cross-post everything, but i also just started like three months ago now SO

𝟐. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐨𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐀𝐎𝟑 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭?

79,333 (i've been seeing this damn angel number everywhere)

𝟑. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦𝐬 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫?

Mostly Wednesday right now. I'm getting into Game of Thrones and there are Resident Evil 8 fics in the works ! I want to get into RE8 writing more because I miss our Lady Dimitrescu ;)

𝟒. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝟓 𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐬 𝐛𝐲 𝐤𝐮𝐝𝐨𝐬?

The Protector (series)

I Know You Will.. (lyric fic)

Slow Down, I'm Not Going Anywhere

I'd Hate To Repeat Myself

Monser (series)

𝟓. 𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬? 𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐧𝐨𝐭?

Yes! I try to respond to every comment I get on all platforms. I remember when I would comment on works before I started posting my own. It would feel so cool when I got to talk to the writer/artist about the work or anything to do with their process. It feels amazing being on the other side of that now. Like someone read something I did or saw something I drew and took the time out of their day to say something about it.. It's crazy to me and keeps me eternally grateful

𝟔. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠?

Monster Ch.3 - Retrograde (~4.1k words) - THIS CHAPTER HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER DUDE. The flashbacks, the hopelessness, the deep emptiness that I felt while writing everything in Larissa's point of view literally made me cry. This whole series is just a miserable slap in the face with angst. The final chapter of this fic is a little over 10k words, and I wrote it all in one sitting LMAO. I went insane, but there is angst all over it.

𝟕. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠?

Most of my fics are happy endings because even though i LOVE angst and I'm so drawn to dark fics and things like that, they're so painful to read and write. The pain in angst fics is not for the lighthearted, especially hurt/no comfort. The happiest I think would be the last chapter of The Protector - To Be Found.. This whole series is a bit of a cliche, but it was my first series and post on here.. It's got a special place in my heart

𝟖. 𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐬?

Thankfully, no! It was definately something I was nervous about. I think that my writing isn't the best every now and then;;;; But I know that I'm only growing and challenging myself to improve with each step. It pushes me back up and makes me so grateful to everyone who does like what I put out, especially when they're not as popular categories or a bit of a different idea than what has been seen.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do, yes. Always wlw. They're mostly due to the requests I get in my inbox, but that doesn't mean I enjoy them any less. I dip into most things now and probably more as I get more comfortable writing them. I have no issues with it, I just want to translate it well if you know what i mean ;)

𝟏𝟎. 𝐃𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬? 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐳𝐢𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧?

I'm not a big fan of writing them.. I don't think I'd really know what to do if I were to write one. They can be a really hard thing to write, but it makes me look up to the ones who can write them super well. If that's your thing and you love to read them, I'd check out @daydream-cement if you haven't already. They did a really good crossover with Gwen's characters called The Road Trip

𝟏𝟏. 𝐇𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐚 𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐧?

Not that I am aware of, no.. If this ever happens, please bring it to my attention. I spend hours creating and it's always like a punch in the gut when something so personal and meaningful to me gets stolen

𝟏𝟐. 𝐇𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐚 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝?

Nope

𝟏𝟑. 𝐇𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐨-𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐚 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞?

Not yet. I haven't been asked about it before, but my current schedule is too packed for me to even contemplate the idea. One day!

𝟏𝟒. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐚𝐥𝐥-𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩?

I'm very much on the x reader train. I basically only write and read that as well. Don't know if I'd write anything else, but there are a few Lady D x Larissa Weems ones that I've seen a bit ago that caught my eye

𝟏𝟓. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐚 𝐖𝐈𝐏 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐛𝐮𝐭 ��𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥?

Lover Academia.. Literally my next series LMAOOO. Guys.. It's been sitting in my notes since I wrote The Protector....... I changed a big part of it in early September and basically merged two ideas, but I haven't had the motivation to go in and rewrite them to fit together. It's like pages of notes.. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'LL END SO THERES THAT TOO AHAH

𝟏𝟔. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐭𝐡𝐬?

Setting of time and place. I've always loved describing things. I could write pages to just describe a room alone. I always loved reading stuff like that because it really helped me visualize what was happening, so I guess it translated into my own writing.

𝟏𝟕. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬?

I'm much slower than I would like to be. A big part of that is now balancing school, work, and a social life. I'm thankful enough to consider doing this and interacting with my mutuals as a bigger part of my life. It's crazy to think that I followed these people months ago, and now I talk to and write alongside them. I do so much with school and work that there are days where I could write but I allow my body to recharge for a bit and then pick it up later in the day.

But this also taught me a good lesson because I am not a consumable artist. I don't want to push out mediocure works, I don't want to operate like a machine, I don't want to put works out only for them to be swiped over everyones heads. I want my work to be savored, to be reread, to be saved in folders because "ohmygod that was amazing." As artists in this social world, we are pushed to create as much as we can, but I don't want to be lost within that.

𝟏𝟖. 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐟𝐢𝐜?

I've never done this before? I think I would when it comes to anything related to Lady Dimitrescu or Donna Beneviento, but I would make sure to get it checked before releasing it. It's a risky game to play sometimes.

𝟏𝟗. 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫?

Wednesday (Larissa x Reader)

𝟐𝟎. 𝐅𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐯𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧?

Monster (series) - It's the way I loved breaking my own heart. It's the way I loved making you all suffer along with me. It's the way the ending was so long but provided closure after the shit show that Larissa and Reader had gone through. I'd love to write one-shots for this universe. I loved it so much and feel like I can write their happier moments that way.

I Know You Will.. - THE LYRIC FICS YOU GUYS REQUEST LITERALLY HAVE ME IN A CHOKEHOLD. This one hurt so good. This is a part of Larissa that I will always want to love and protect. She needs to be reminded of how amazing she is - we all understand this part. But being allowed to feel those emotions and have someone stick with you through them is also oh so special.

✧･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧ :══════⊹⊹══════: ✧･ﾟ｡˚☾.･✧

IGNORE THE FACT THAT I FUCKED UP THIS POST SORRY

✧･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧ :══════⊹⊹══════: ✧･ﾟ｡˚☾.･✧

Tags (no pressure <33) - @sapphos-ode @i-write-sometimes-maybe

consider yourself tagged if you see this

✧･.☽˚｡･ﾟ✧ :══════⊹⊹══════: ✧･ﾟ｡˚☾.･✧

x,

~ 𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐰

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

[ticklishsubbyjamie]

TRIGGER WARNING - CONTAINS VERY PERSONAL AND VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS SUCH AS SEVERE DEPRESSION AND TRAUMA, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

This is the real me, these are my true everyday thoughts.

The last thing I ever want to do is trauma dump anyone, but I need to release my pent up emotions somewhere. Please take the warning above seriously if this type of stuff makes you uncomfortable. I'm going on a sad and angry rant purely about local people i know in real life, NOT about anyone i talk to on tumblr, I genuinely love you. There will be very aggresive language. I'm posting this because this blog is my safe space and frankly i need somewhere to say what i'm about to say without paying for therapy.

I'm trying my best. I really am. It may not look it but i am. Me eating even 100 calories in a day, or waking up in the morning, is the best i have to give right now.

I am so far gone i don't even understand what's happening. I'm so fucking tired of life and don't know how much i can take anymore.

Tired of life-or-death level family trauma. I love them with all my heart and eternally grateful for the good they've provided to me, but can't ignore the bad either. They have ripped me apart, between being the golden child who's supposed to become a doctor and save the family, to the marriage counsellor/therapist for my parents, the lighting rod for my older brothers countless reckless idiotic actions, the suicide threats from family and friends and tearing myself apart trying to keep them alive, I can't take it anymore.

Tired of feeling hopeless, tired of feeling insecure about being 23 and still not having any sexual experience whatsoever because my attention was on my family and grades instead of living my life. Tired of watching the girls i fall so deeply in love in end up dating my closest friends it's fucking torture. It's pure fucking torture. I'm tired of telling people how i feel about still being single and told that being single is the best as if it isn't the most invalidating thing they could possibly say. Try never having any experience for your whole life, including never having your first kiss and tell me how you feel watching all your friends talk about their love lives, or having to watch it everyday knowing that it's something you'll never have.

Tired of walking around dead inside, tired of wearing a fake smike until i come home and crumble apart and pick myself back up the next morning to make it through the day, tired of losing interest in activities i used to be passionate about, tired of pretending like everything is ok, tired of constant doubt, tired of feeling the most depressed on christmas, new years, my birthday, pretty much any day that should be celebratory. Tired of the fact that everything i try to be happy doesn't work. I tried to gym consistently for 4 months, healthy diet, full time job, take care of myself, i can't anymore.

Graduating college very soon and all i can think about is how i became a shell of myself in those 4 years when i always dreamed about how college would be the place where i'd become the most happy and free. Instead it was disappointment and constant heart break over and over, from a straight A student aspiring to become a doctor to just trying to stay alive wondering what's the point...

I'm still trying my best