#and i swear the fact that i am almost burned out rn is related to the fact that my best friend has slept over 8/10 nights

[malpractice-morale]

i simultaneously am really great at putting up boundaries and really shit. my body and mind are literally screaming at me to just hole up and isolate for a few days to GET SOME FUCKING RESPITE but my morals are like 'what do your exams mean in comparison to xyz' and i always come up with 'nothing'

[alpacaparkaseok]

HERE WE ARE ALMOST CAUGTH UP

chapter 11

AHHHHH YADIEL IS SCARYYY

i have in the morning by itzy in my head rn and it’s fitting but like the mood is so serious i need it out of my head

AHHHHHH okay like it’s lambo boy or jungkook for me the history is just too good

“I’m from Sicily, Jungkook. How many times do I have to clarify that?” this made me laugh my great grandfather was always very adamant about us being sicilian ugh i like can’t imagine !!! girl boss y/n and jungkook and lambo boy were KIDS and worrying about these things ahhh !!!!

oh nooooo is alexandra the mole ?! it’d be interesting if one of the boys was the mole too hmmmmm i’m gonna have to be skeptical of everyone for a bit (though they all seem pretty trustworthy at this point)

Namjoon ticks his jaw, a cold fire in his eyes as he leans forward to address you. “She’s young, beautiful, and willing to betray those she cares about for a shiny penny.” He lets out a breathy laugh. “That’s exactly Yadiel’s type.” seems you have experience with this joonie….. :( victoria why would you do this to him !!!

AHHHHHH hobi :(( your hobi privileges have definitely been reclaimed :((( you can be hitman hobi now hitman hobi has a crush~~~~

OMG YAY IT’S TIME FOR MYSTERY MAN YOONGI

OMG joonie is a closet pokemon nerd ?!?!?!?!?! ugh i love him i love him !!!

He’s finishes his glass with an exaggerated wince. “Bold of you to assume I’m single.” i am in love with him

AHHHHH GIRL BOSS Y/N HAVE I MENTIONED TODAY THAT YOU ARE SUCH A GIRLBOSS AHHHHHHH

YESSSS AND THE LAMBO RETURNS

LMAO that was an amazing burn crazy fire man jin (ahaha….burn….get it….)

OMG TENSION OH NO GET OUT OF THERE JIMIN

if anything happens to jimin i will personally kill yadiel or whoever dares hurt him idk who it is yet ortega ?!

awww girl boss y/n :((

commentary

i don’t know what to do with myself now that i’m caught up what am i gonna do how do i continue to function ?!?!?!?!?!?! everyone is so analytical and picking up on things and i’m just here screaming how do any of you have the brain capacity to be so intellectual !!! i'm in awe truly

as for romance, i’m definitely rooting for taehyung. they have the most intimate history and it just feels right !!!! jungook is close and the hyung line is like very protective in a sweet way but idk i just really like her and tae !!!! i’m definitely excited to see where you take it though, you always have something up your sleeve !! i have no doubt your romantic ending will be the best one :)) if she doesn’t get with jimin though, i’m more than willing to take one for the team and get with him myself, just putting that out there

as for everything else? idk i’m just terrified !!! i said it earlier but you do such a good job with balancing all the romance and fun with super intense action/story and layered characters !! every character has something interesting to contribute and i love any time one of them gets the spotlight !!!

fjfdlskghdls oh b this series is so fun !!! i love your writing and it just amazes me how you took a little request and made such a fantastic, fun series out of it !! you are insanely talented and deserve all the hype !! i'm excited to read more :)

much love, naomi <3

Yaddy? Scary? My Yaddy? 🥺🥺 lol just kidding he's definitely terrifying

oh my gosh I listen to "In the Morning" all the time I swear it gives me so much energy to write this fic haha

wow. wowowowow. did those words just come out of your mouth?? Lambo boi or jk? jimin is off in the corner crying rn I swear

hahaha I love Tae getting so passive aggressive about being Sicilian and not Italian and how everyone else is just like, "yeah, sure. whatever you say, Tae." also the fact that you can literally relate to this makes it 1000% better - this fic had to come into existence because of you and your heritage haha

oh Alexandra. We all knew she was too good to be true. except for yn. she had no clue lol. Ooh and suspecting one of the boys as well?? ok there's actually a couple of you in my inbox that have theories on another mole being one of the guys and I'm intrigued

basically this fic is poor Joonie™

lol hitman hobi hath returned! *confetti* he's such a softie 🥺 and his lil crush kills me lol

hahaha Joon and his Pokemon knowledge coming out strong in this chapter - I just had to put it in there. especially because joon/yn interactions have been pretty low up to this point!

MYSTERY MAN YOONGI HERE WE GOOOO THE TIME HAS FINALLY ARRIVED!! ok the "bold of you to assume I'm single" line actually made me laugh out loud so I'm so glad you also found it amusing haha - I live for Yoongi x yn banter!

hahaha I can only assume the burn (yes yes I saw what you did there ya walnut) you're referencing here is "they're compensating for something" and need I say just how much I'm living off of the taejin banter/tension??

ah I see you still have a soft spot for Jiminie, which I also do sooo

commentary response: (wow that was official lol)

ok ok welcome to the present! it was so fun reading your little journey haha. thank you for the awesome asks, they were a blast! very interesting to see how you've changed over the course of the series in terms of who you want y/n to end up with!! poor jimin was shoved to the side real quick 😂

ok so you're team tae it looks like! with jk as a close second and basically the entire Hyung Line on backup haha. so your bases are pretty covered!

thank you so much for coming and reading everything! it's been so fun to see you back on Tumblr even if it's just for a bit! hope everything is going well with you my love! you're amazing and such a great friend and supporter 🥺🥺 love youuuu

[aquarianlights]

I am in a serious financial bind. 😥 If anyone is in a position to listen & help or signal boost, pls keep reading...

This is from my apartment complex. I am in low-income housing. I called them & sent them proof I could pay on the 23rd. I told them I could (just barely) put 100 down now & they said that was too little.

They said they would file for eviction on the 16th, which adds $150 to my rent. They will cancel the court date and eviction on the 23rd when I pay.

But that doesn't cancel the $150 filing fee.

Idk where that $150 would come from. Idky they think it's fair that someone who cannot pay should be forced to pay even more??? That makes no sense. I can only just barely afford my rent every month as is.

These are from my energy company. I apparently owe them over $600. I genuinely do not know how this happened. We were on the phone for a very long time trying to figure it out & I was in tears for the latter portion of it because I swear I paid.

I usually keep record of my payments via taking a picture of my receipt since they are electronic, but my dog chewed up my phone (which I have pics of if need be for evidence) and broke it, so I had to get a replacement phone sent to me from the insurance company & nothing transferred from the old phone, so all my pics were wiped.

I found no record in my emails, either.

The meds I am taking to try to go into remission and the autoimmune disease itself both cause brain fog and issues with time warping, so it is possible maybe I skipped a month or something, but I highly doubt I would have skipped up to 600+ dollars worth of payments.

I have tons of electronic and hard copy calendars & they are all synced and constantly updated so that I know when payments are due. I also have text and email reminders sent to me, but I could find no reminders in my email for MONTHS now until they were telling me they were going to shut my power off if I didn't pay this. Idk why I was not sent reminders for months???

In the end, I agreed to set up a payment plan. Paying, like... 50-60ish on top of whatever my electric bill is every month for 12 months. It was the lowest they could go.

I can barely afford my electric bill as it is, so idk how I will be able to do this? They did give me a list of charities in my area so I will be using what little energy I have to call around & see if any of them would be willing to help me pay this. Idk how those work (they're mostly churches???), so I'm just gonna try & see what happens. 🤔

On top of all that, I *think* this is telling me my Medicaid has been cancelled but I'm not 100% sure?????

I'm going through treatment for a very serious, disabling problem that should last ~1 year and rn Medicaid is picking up what my Medicare doesn't cover and some of my doctors/specialists and treatments are medicaid only.

If I lose this, I'm basically done.

I know they'll do backpay if I get it back, but Idk if I *will* get it back. I'll be trying to get it back, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to pay out of pocket, idk??? Which I do not have.

I have lost almost ALL autonomy due to this autoimmune disease, which (in a very simplified form) is basically my immune cells "eating" my muscle tissue. I can barely get out of bed. Treatment should put me in remission & give me my life back. I am seeing a rheumatologist, neurologist, dermatologist, PCP, physical therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and going to a holistic pain treatment center that does a different kind of physical therapy to bring down pain levels (which I was put into that program by my rheum). All of these are in relation to & necessary for my disease. I am going through TONS of testing almost weekly now & trying out treatments like IVIG and chemo where I am in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4-6+ hrs of that day and the cost of those things without Medicaid picking up what Medicare doesn't cover is astronomical. I have to sign waivers every time I get my blood drawn (which is almost weekly now), do tests, and do treatments saying I will pay if Medicaid does not pick up the extra.

I already have crippling medical debt; I don't need more. I'm scared they won't let me do any more tests or treatments if they see I am just letting it all go to collections & am not paying.

This could mean the difference between having a life worth living (to me) where I am happy & thriving & autonomous or being bed-bound & living a life of just existing from day to day & miserable & in pain & suffering & unable to do anything for myself. This is literally life and death for me because I wouldn't be able to handle continuing to live in the latter scenario. I cannot handle living like I am now. Knowing my treatments are progressing is what keeps me going. Knowing I can go into remission is what keeps me going. Knowing my future is one completely different from now is what keeps me going. But if I cannot have that and am destined to live in this current state, it's just not worth it. I don't know a person alive who would want to live like this.

Finally, my anger noodle needs to get to the vet for MULTIPLE things. Nothing is, like... life threatening or super immediate like his cancer was last year, but they're things that need to be addressed in terms of preventative care & to make sure he isn't in pain.

He needs his trachea checked, possibly x-rays for that, maybe more...

He needs some medication updates, needs a physical, needs a full groom & nail clip under anesthesia (for those who are not familiar with Echo, he has extreme fear-based aggression & usually gets this done under anesthesia; since I worked with him so much, he had his first non-anesthesia nail clip at the beginning of quarantine, but he has gotten worse during quarantine & with my muscle eating disease, I can no longer restrain him & don't have the physical strength to run a brush through his thicker fur as his winter coat is in, so I can no longer groom certain areas of him at home, so his tummy & back legs are matted & I fear he may need to be shaved... which breaks my heart since you don't shave double coat dogs unless medically necessary.), he needs a full physical, & needs to be checked over for MCT's.

He may also need a fecal test or something else, as he has been having odd bowel movements. 😥 His tummy has been upset lately.

I have been crying myself to sleep every single night & often during the day because I cannot get him to the vet. No, it isn't urgent or life threatening. But he is reverse sneezing more than normal & I worry about tracheal collapse, which is a common small dog thing & even MORE common in pomeranians specifically. Every time he has a fit, I think "Oh god, this is it. This is the time I'm gonna have to rush him to the e-vet & get slammed with a huge bill & he is not gonna be okay..."

It breaks my heart to see his legs & belly matted. He is horrible about letting me groom him coz of his aggression so he only gets a full grooms at the vet, but I do short grooming sessions at home with him nightly. Takes about 2 hours just to do the majority of one side of him (not even all of it; just most) coz he needs breaks & lots of praise every few strokes or he will tear me to shreds & hurt himself snapping on the undercoat rake. 😥

But now that my autoimmune disease has atrophied my muscles to the point holding up my phone without something to prop it up feels like I am lifting weights & tires my arms out with a lactic acid burn & pain, I can no longer groom him with the patience he needs & can only groom in 20 minute intervals at the VERY longest. By the time I have gotten one leg done during the week, his entire other side is matted. 😞 Matting on dogs---especially double coat dogs---hurts them. It's like if someone were to wrap your hair around their fingers & then pull it taut. It's a constant pulling pressure on their skin... it's painful & irritates the epidermis. I feel miserable feeling the matting on his back legs & tummy & now feeling the mats beginning to form on the rest of him. He hates me working them out, even with the detangling spray. I know it must hurt so much...

So he may need to be shaved at this point & that will destroy me. I feel sick thinking about it. But anything to get him out of pain. Maybe it is what's best for him while I go through this year of treatment & get my muscles back. But in order to do that, I need to get him to the vet.

The stress of not being able to get him to a vet is tearing me apart & literally making me physically ill.

He is my world. My everything. My #1. My heart dog. My priority in life. My entire universe revolves around him. I would do anything for him. Not a single person, animal, thing, etc, comes before him. It is KILLING me that I cannot provide proper care for him right now. I always always always make sure to sacrifice for him if need be & his things ALWAYS come first, even if it means I'm not eating or not paying bills or whatever. As long as he is taken care of & his needs & wants are met, nothing else matters to me. And right now........ I feel he is suffering because of my finances & the fact my treatment with building my muscles up is not going fast enough.

I cannot control the latter one, but the first one is something I can at least ask for help for. So that is what I am doing.

If anyone is in a place to help, these are my venmo & cashapp codes. I also have paypal.

💙 Venmo: @kqroswell

💚 Cashapp: $kqroswell

💜 Paypal: @kqroswell or thekilliancode@yahoo.com

If there is another form of payment you're thinking of, lemme know. I also have fb pay activated if you have me on FB (Killian Q Roswell).

Thank you to everyone who read through this & anyone who can help or reblog this. 💖

Sincerely,

Your v scared, struggling transman who really wants his bills/rent paid & his dog to go to the vet,

Killian 💞