#and i told hr about it and told them it seemed like a good idea for me to actually just resign since i don’t know when i’ll be back

[fingertipsmp3]

I love being ghosted by HR lmao

[its-time-to-write]

hiya there love

i was wondering, if i could request a lovely jamie tartt fic from you? it would basically revolve around r being increadibly stressed and overworked and, of ypu are comfortable, r gets a panic attack (maybe she works at the dogtrack and then people are confused about what is happening) and then jamie swoops in and saves the day

absolutely love your writing and stories and senig lots of love and creativity your way <3 <3 <3

guys I have like five WIPS and usually I have zero, but here we are. Most of them only need their closing paragraph but I have been BUSY and also very tired. thank you @dark-academia-slut for this request and your recent comments on my posts🩵🩵

for you, there’ll be no more crying

There’s too much to do and only one you, and yet everything needs to be done today and no one seems to realize that they’re assigning you more work on top of what other people have already given you. You didn’t realize everything was so pressing, but here you are with a to do list as long as your arm filled with tasks to be completed ASAP. 

You think that taking a break for lunch is a bad idea, honestly you’d rather sit at your desk and check some more things off your list, but HR insists that you have a thirty-minute break. It’s also shitty because your boyfriend works here too, but you’re not sitting with him today because by the time he got to the cafe, the only available space was all the way across the room. So here you are, tapping your foot as you force down a salad. 

Chewing feels mechanical, each bite heavy in your mouth. You choke down a piece as your index finger taps on your thumb, counting down the minutes until you can rush back to your office. You can feel Helen from HR keeping an eye on you, and you don’t need to add a visit from her to you list. 

“Oi, can you compile that list I emailed you about last week?” Stephanie from the front desk asks from across the table. 

You give her a confused look. “What list?”

She returns your look. “The one I sent last Tuesday?”

You shake your head and say, “I never got that email.”

Stephanie frowns and pulls out her phone. “Oh, whoops, it’s in my drafts still.” She presses a button and says, “There, it’s sent!” with a cheerful grin, like that changes anything. 

Your whole leg is shaking now, not just your foot. “When do you need it?” you ask carefully, willing her to say literally an other day but today. 

“Oh, I need it by the end of the day,” she replies so you nod, all slow and mechanical. 

You ask, “Can I get it to you tomorrow?” and she shakes her head. 

“No, I really needed it done by today. You should have checked with me when you didn’t get my email on Tuesday.”

You don’t point out that it’s impossible to ask about an email you didn’t even know existed, mainly because Stephanie is best friends with Helen and you literally cannot deal with both of them today. 

So instead you nod, fake a smile, and take another bite of salad as Stephanie gets up to leave. 

The moment she’s gone, everything goes slow. And not in a good way. 

You think, oh shit as the food in your mouth becomes tasteless and your gaze becomes fixated on a spot on the table. 

Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. 

Liam notices and asks, “Are you alright?” in his too-loud voice, so now everyone in the cafe is looking at you as you take stuttered breaths around the salad in your mouth. 

You’re confident that this couldn’t get any worse, but you can’t even answer Liam so he shakes your arm, causing you to jolt. 

You press one hand to your heart as you try to catch a breath with all eyes still on you. 

A hand presses a napkin to your mouth and says, “Spit,” but you don’t look up to see who it is. You’re stuck on that one spot on the table, unable to move anything except your leg. But you don’t need to look up to know who it is. 

“Fuck off, Liam,” says Jamie and Liam does. 

You’re told later that Jamie flips off anyone who’s still staring, but you miss it in the moment because it’s over your head. 

“You alright, babe?” he asks gently, but you don’t respond. He slides into the seat Liam has vacated and grabs your hand. “Oi, look at me.”

His hands are warm in contrast to your cold ones, and the uses his one free hand to tilt your face toward his. You’re having a hard time making eye contact so he bends his head just enough so he’s in your line of sight. 

“There you are,” he smiles, “You want to tell me what’s wrong or do you want me to guess?”

You just look, chest rising and falling way too fast. 

“Right,” he says. “Let’s get your breathing under control. Breathe with me, yeah?”

You see the staff and team at Nelson Road filtering out of the cafe, so you focus on Jamie’s face and follow his breaths. 

“Okay, keep going like that. What else can we talk about? Oi, did you hear what fucking Roy did this morning? The lad’s fucking insane, he is. Strings around dicks? Can’t believe I almost lost mine, and on date night no less.” He winks. “You’d‘ve had his head for sure, love.”

You crack a smile at that. 

“Ey!” he says, “She lives!”

“I love you,” you tell him and he squeezes your hand. 

“She fuckin’ talks, too. What a woman.”

You think of a few snide replies, but you’re not too sold on talking just yet so you settle for silence. 

“Was it fucking Helen?” Jamie asks, “Bird’s more insane than Coach.”

You wiggle your head. Technically, it wasn’t just Helen, but she’s the one who’s been handing you the most assignments while also insisting on the stupidest breaks. 

“Bet it were Stephanie too,” he continues. “Babe, you’ve gotta fucking talk to Higgins or Ms. Welton or some shit. They’re using you like some personal servant and it ain’t right.”

You shrug and Jamie squeezes your hand again. “None of that,” he says. 

He’s not wrong. 

It’s just you two, alone, so he allows himself a moment to cup your face in one hand. “You’re good, yeah?” he asks. 

You take a deep breath and nod. “Yeah, I’m good.”

He grins and leans forward to kiss your forehead. 

“D’you want to ditch the rest of the day?” he asks and you give him a Look. 

You say, “I can’t ditch. I have too much to do and you can’t ditch because you have training.”

Jamie’s still grinning as he says, “Bet I could get out of it ‘cause of me injury and you could get out of it if you talked to Ms. Welton.”

“Absolutely not,” you reply, but he’s already standing up.

“Gonna talk to her about fucking Helen,” he says. “I’d bet my entire house that none of your shit is that big of an emergency.”

“No you won’t,” you call after him, “And anyway, she wouldn’t listen to you about any of it.”

Jamie’s basically already gone so he just shouts, “Ta,” as you sigh and get up to go back to your office. 

An hour later, you’re in the car with Jamie as he laments your lack of faith in him. “Told you Helen’s full of shit,” he says. “You’re going to be way better at her job than she ever was.”

“The fuck, Jamie,” you reply. “I still can’t believe you made me talk to Rebecca.”

He shrugs, one hand on the wheel. “I’m a dead good boyfriend, is what I am.”

You laugh. He certainly is that. 

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for wanting two hours a week to spend with my now ex boyfriend?

My (24M) long distance ex boyfriend (21M) have known each other for five years but only started dating at the beginning of this year. My ex has been going through a rough patch in life. It's been months since he started feeling down, and I tried to give him the space and attention he needed during it. I was hoping the little vacation we had a few months ago would help perk him up, but it seems it only added a delay to an emotional crash.

A few weeks ago, he suddenly told me he wanted to stop using discord, our main form of communication, so that he could work on balance his life. I was asleep at the time he sent it and I spent all day agonizing and freaking out over it since it would dramatically cut the time we spent together. My love language is primarily quality time, so to hear him saying we can't even talk as much freaked me out. I bounced it off a mutual friend (20M) and asked if I should give him a few weeks to see how he does, since the mutual friend and I both believe it's a good idea for him to find balance in his life if he's struggling. The mutual friend said that it's not a bad idea to wait and see if he gets better. I agreed to it but I ended up agonizing over it with my already volatile emotional state (I had, just a week earlier, lost a childhood pet and had a fight with my father/roommate (44M)).

Over the few weeks, it only felt like my ex wanted to spend less time with me. He continued to use all social media, even discord, but rarely talked to me. I would see him playing video games when he was off of work and when I asked if he needed any with anything in them, he'd say no. On the few days he was off work, he was completely unreachable, saying he's doing stuff with family yet I could see him still using social media. I felt extremely hurt and abandoned, my mental health was only degrading further. I let him be in hopes that he'd be back.

I did my best to not push my personal emotional state on my ex, mostly sending my fears of our relationship ending to the mutual friend. As the weeks passed, it seemed that my ex was perking up a little despite the limited contact with me, and after bouncing it off my father to get a better idea of how to approach this, with many breakdowns, I decided to give it until the weekend to ask my ex if we could spend a few hours each week. I'm starting school soon so I'll be swamped with 50+ hrs of schoolwork on top of 20hrs or work. It had been a great relief when I spent similar time, in my past semesters, with my ex and was hoping to find a balance for his needs and mine for the relationship.

However, it went horrible, my ex kept bringing up multiple reasons for not spending time with me, saying family, work, apparently My Own needs in the relationship (which irked me) before saying he can't do it for his own health. I asked him how I should try to love him and he said to focus on school and work, but he asked if the limited communications was bothering me and how it's bothering me. I told him how I felt over the past few weeks, but I offered to keep staying distant if he really needs it. I was truthful that it was going to hurt me badly.

He proceeds to send a message saying how my message to him made him uncomfortable and how its unhealthy how I'm feeling and with how I treated his boundaries in the past (which I'm confused about because I always respected his boundaries and double checked on situations and actions that could have been uncomfortable for him) that we should stop talking and likely blocked me on discord and left every server we share.

So, am I the asshole in this situation? I'd give me some peace of mind to know if I really am the asshole.

What are these acronyms?

[thegreymoon]

The Story of Minglan

Unbelievable where they chose to end the last episode.

What else am I supposed to do except start another one immediately? 🤬

***

Do we really need these two idiots on the scene right now?

They do seem to be hinting that Qi Heng is past his incel phase, though, so that is always a plus.

***

LMAO, of course he would run into a burning building to rescue Minglan 🤣🤣

I guess he's not past his incel phase after all, but I dislike her a whole lot so I can't even feel sorry for her for having a poor excuse for a husband.

***

Oh, thank goodness.

At least it is turned the right way.

***

LMFAO, impropriety?

What do think will happen? That he and Minglan will fuck while she's giving birth and the house around them is burning down?

Anyway, I am no huge fan of his, but go, Qi Heng, go! I don't care who saves her, as long as she's saved!

***

LMAO, seethe.

***

OMG!!!! 🎉🎉🎉

How is he big and fat, though, if he was born prematurely?

***

LMAO, this is NOT a newborn 🤣🤣

These huge, perfectly clean, not at all crinkled babies always crack me up during childbirth scenes 🤣🤣

***

This was the stupidest thing I've seen happen on this show.

First of all, her, bursting in like the deranged lunatic she is, just stabbing people left and right, and then Gu Tingye showing up yet again, to overshadow Minglan during yet another pivotal moment that should have been entirely hers. This was so unnecessary.

***

It should have been Minglan to end Aunt Kang, one way or another. I am beyond mad they took this from her to give the spotlight to Gu Tingye. This was supposed to be her CULMINATION, what we were watching her grow towards, and in the end, she was just a weak woman who needed protecting from the big strong man. So disappointing, 67 whole episodes of character development flushed down the drain.

***

LMAO, no good news for schemers and evildoers today!

I can't stop laughing at her flabbergasted face 🤣🤣

***

Didn't they say in the last episode that she had gone into labour prematurely?

They can't even keep their plot straight.

***

All else aside, this baby is the cutest!!

***

Can someone please explain to me what the hell happened here?

Didn't she set fire to the house with that lantern?

Or were there two fires, one set by her and one by Shitou as revenge? I am so confused.

***

I just rewatched this scene. So, at the very least Tingwei and his wife believe that Shitou set fire to their house too as revenge.

***

She is done with being respectful, LMAO 🤣🤣

It is time someone told these psychopaths to stop. Everyone just keeps coddling and enabling them until they burn everything down. Quite literally.

***

LMAO, she is now blaming Gu Tingye for her bad relationship with her son and his wife. Of course.

***

Oof, sweetie, that smacks of PPD 😬

Let's not go there, there are *checks notes* six more episodes to go, which means enough time for a major showdown or two, what with the Wangs still out there and pissed off, and Lady Qin losing her everloving mind just across the yard from you. You need to stay sane!

***

I mean, it's not like I don't see their point and all, but is additionally pissing off an already pissed Emperor really a good idea? 😬

It's not like they have an HR department here where they can go if their boss decides to, idk, make them a head shorter or something.

***

Welp. Here we go.

Here I was, worrying about the Wangs and the Gus, completely forgetting the dumpster fire that are these ungrateful royals.

***

The cutest 🧡

***

Delightful.

***

So, the Emperor has lost his entire goddamned mind.

***

Everybody is losing their goddamned mind this episode.

***

LMFAO

Shitou remains my favourite! 🤗

***

OH MY GOD

Invoking Aunt Kang as her witness? 😬😬 That is not going to go down the way she expects it to.

[respectthepetty]

Seeing Cher and Gun in the Our Skyy 2 trailer wearing those dreaded Christmas colors reminded me of a few things,

like I didn't actually write about the colors in episode 6 of A Boss & A Babe because I got distracted by the . . . acting. Yeah. The acting and not that wild "Let them eat cake" version of Gun we saw.

With much resistance, I've come to the conclusion that we are dealing with warm vs cool colors (Cher x Gun & Zo x Three), which does not make a lick of sense because the opening and ending credits are blue and yellow and the OST gave us blue, yellow, and orange while Gun has yet to put purple on his body compared to Cher who had purple with blue on last episode, but Reon Saran Jantharakkha, the cinematographer, is playing color combat, so cool cool cool, but not cool colors since Gun DOESN'T HAVE PURPLE!

Whatever. I'm good. *shrugs in unbothered*

The episode begins where the previous episode ended - Gun in blue at Cher's front door.

Just in case you're struggling to see it, this is what the suit looks like during the day.

I'm not touching on how Gun's colors become darker as his mood shifts because after spending time with Cher, Gun quickly pops back up the next day in green winking and smirking his way through the office like he took a course in HR violations from GAP's Sam.

Thup shows up at Cher's place after work, because nobody respects this man's space, in orange demanding money for an avoidable car accident. His colors say he is Team Cher, but his attitude says he is Team Share-Your-Money-Now!

Cher transfers him the money, so he quickly exits, only for his other problem child to call him from the hospital.

Gun LIES stating that he was injured at a construction site, even though he told Cher earlier that he had a meeting at a hotel, and surprising nobody, Gun is missing his green. This mentiroso is in the black! *The Scooby Gang is displeased* But his lies get him a care giver, a hair washer, AND someone to cuddle with.

Gun LIES some more and tells Cher that the reason he was bothered the other day was because he met with Thyme and had to be tough, but the colors and timing are telling a different story. Thyme appears to be wearing green (which would align with Gun), but also Gun left that meeting smug in the flashback, yet showed up to the office so upset that only Porsche, his ex, was allowed to speak to him.

What's happening, narrative? Why is the math not mathing?

Because of Gun's LIES (or the plot holes), Cher sleeps with Gun, and the next day, Oi, the most accurate office worker ever portrayed in a series, calls Gun out on his change in personality while wearing blue pants. Gun is wearing whatever color this is. BlueBlack? No sé,

But Cher struggles with his color.

Is it because you slept with a liar, sir? Blink twice if it an actual part of the narrative. Blink once if it's merely plot holes.

Sidenote: Zo is fine. He was just tired. But not too tired to not wear his color, unlike Three who is taking a page out of Gun's color book and wearing green all of a sudden six episodes in.

But it's okay because Zo decides to support his boyfriend in his color shenanigans and wears PURPLE after Three blows up at the group for not taking the competitions seriously. Let it be known that Jack only stated facts. And also note everyone else will wear purple before Gun.

But next week, everyone seems to have their colors sorted out (I write that every week), after $ugar Daddy Gun suggests a beach trip for Cher and his friends.

Zo and Cher are showing their willingness to merge their colors and love with their love interests, while their guys stick to their colors.

Yet drunk Gun seems more inclined to the idea of opening his heart and his arms to Cher.

Because this is the face of a man in love. This is not the face of a liar.

Right?

Right?

And now, your moment of Zen

[satancopilotsmytardis]

I know I already asked once but again if it isn't to late 'routine kisses' Shigadabi, coz I love the dynamics you give them

Routine Kisses: 

The first time it happens is because Dabi is being a jackass and is trying to goad at Duster. He's always trying to goad at Duster, so no one else even blinks at it. Had been getting ready to go out on a job, had literally been standing in the middle of the bar with Kurogiri's portal opening up and Shigaraki had told them,

"Don't get caught," and because Dabi can't help but goad and because he's squad leader for this mission (almost always squad leader when he goes out on a job unless Shig is going into the field with them too), he'd said, 

"That's it? No good luck kiss?" Really was not expecting Shigaraki's head to cock slightly, couldn't see his expression behind his mask and there had been a very slight pause. And then Shigaraki stepped right into his space, shifted the hand away and pressed his lips to his. Dabi had been so fucking stunned that he had been gaping when the other man had pulled away. 

"Good luck, now fucking go." And Shigaraki seemed completely nonplussed as he'd placed the hand back over his face and the others had shaken their own shock and started to move through the portal. Dabi shook himself, sneered, and had quickly followed. Really didn't like the idea that he'd been shown up by Duster. But he had more important things to worry about. Like keeping the idiot squad on track and making sure no one got arrested. 

The job had gone off without a hitch, a miracle in itself, and Toga had snickered and said that Tomura's good luck kiss must have done it. 

///

The next job he's in charge of goes fucking horribly. It's not anyone's fault really, they all did what they were supposed to, they were as prepared as they could have been for it, but it just didn't go off as smoothly as they'd wanted it to. Didn't get as much out of it as they'd wanted either. It just fucking sucked. And when they all had been spread out through the bar after their debriefing, the job having gone so badly they all were collectively moping and Kurogiri had loosened his stinginess on his good booze, Spinner had said this time, a little drunk, 

"Everything went wrong 'cause you didn't give Dabi his good luck kiss, Shig." Had been a little drunk, his head leaning over the back of the couch. Duster had snorted from his place at the bar, his own glass halfway to his lips. 

"I'll keep that in mind for next time." 

Dabi had just rolled his eyes, finished his drink, and didn't think about that comment further. More interested in putting his quirk-heightened tolerance to the limit that night. 

///

But the next job, just as they were leaving again, Shigaraki had caught his elbow and had pressed a quick, light kiss to the edge of his lips, "Good luck, don't fuck this up." 

And he had managed not to gape, not to get flustered this time. "You're such a creep," he'd said without any venom, rolled his eyes and headed out with the others. 

The job had gone perfectly.

///

Been doing a lot of odd jobs for AFO, and when the next one had rolled around Dabi had waited for a second by the door, but Shigaraki hadn't come any closer. Doing his best to just sound nonchalant he'd said, 

"Well come on then, not like we have an HR department I can report you to." Wondered if it was because the others were already out the door that made Duster catch him with a deadly hand around his waist, pull away his mask, and kiss his lips like he had the first time. Wonders if no one else being around is what made him kiss back, just for a second. And then Shigaraki had pulled away with a quiet, 

"Good luck," and Dabi shook himself, turned and waved over his shoulder, 

"Don't wait up, boss." 

Another good job. The sarcastic comment had turned to routine after that.

///

Hadn't gotten a kiss before the summer camp job. They had new people on the squad, Dabi had been ready to ignite with his nerves not knowing if he was going to see Shoto, and Duster had been scratching his neck bloody with his own anxiety about living up to his teacher's expectations. Things had gone pretty well, lost some people, but not anyone they really liked, and they'd gotten the kid. For a second it seemed like that was going to break the superstition around the good luck kisses. And then everything had gone up in fucking smoke. 

///

Miserable after that, had barely been around the rest of the League as they all scattered to do their jobs. Also hadn't gotten a kiss from Shig before he went out to try and recruit and the absolute fucking goose egg he'd netted on that extended mission seemed to reinforce to the rest of the group that good luck kisses were fucking absolutely necessary for their continued success. Which. Fucking superstitious and weird, but literally everything always seems to go wrong and it's not like it's some horrible hardship. So. 

"Not helping with the baby, working on a new recruit, think you'll like them." He tells Duster as they are standing in Ujiko's lab. And yeah, Toga's right, he doesn't want to go back because the beast if fireproof and that means he's totally useless, but he's also got a hero spy on the hook, and that could be interesting, could be useful. Pretty sure that Hawks will actually flip with the right pressure applied in the right place at the right time. Could be very, very useful if he figures out when and where that is. 

"That's fine Dabi, I look forward to meeting them." Looks over his shoulder at him with a smile. Because Duster has mellowed out so fucking much now that he doesn't have AFO holding his leash anymore. 

"If you're not joining them Dabi, perhaps you would like to help me run a field test with the new nomu?" He glances at Shig, who inclines his head slightly. 

"Yeah, sure. Whatever, Doc." 

Shig cracks his neck, "Send us back." An order to the doctor, but turns as Dabi starts to move deeper into the lab, Shig catching his wrist and Dabi turns automatically, accepting the kiss. "Good luck, firefly." 

Huh, that's new. "Yeah, don't eat shit, Duster." 

The rest of them are gone in a few seconds with more of that nasty gunk in their throats. Ujiko looks a little bewildered which Dabi doesn't really get, but he doesn't say anything before the other man takes him to go meet Hood. Interesting to have a nomu who can talk back, that has a mind of its own. Sounds like the perfect way to test Hawks' limits though. 

///

He's honestly not sure if the field test is a success or not. On the one hand they lose Hood, people rally behind Endeavor, and Hawks is thoroughly pissed off with him which is unfortunate. On the other hand the doctor is genuinely impressed with how effective the new breed is and has great data on how to push the other High-Ends still in the tanks, he manages to swipe Endeavor's blood so he can have evidence backing up his big reveal down the line, and while Hawks is pissed off and avoiding him, he manages to track down his mother and all of his dirty little secrets. Perfect pressure to get him to flip properly. Dabi will take a half success, figures that Duster must have taken half of the luck with him on his own job. Certainly in higher spirits that he would have thought he'd be in when he meets the group on the outskirts of Deika to deal with the fucking army of people who apparently want a piece of them. 

Catches Duster by the collar of his coat before they start to make their way into the city proper, and Shigaraki, for all that he's exhausted, is in much higher spirits than Dabi'd expected. Immediately wraps a hand around the back of his neck and pulls him in. Not a quick peck this time, kisses him properly. Kisses him hard and licks into his mouth and makes Dabi a little flustered, a little dazed, a little dizzy. 

"Don't die." 

"Yeah, gonna try to avoid that." He manages after a second. "You too." 

They do manage not to die and despite the myriad injuries across Duster, Twice, and Toga's bodies, they do ultimately chalk this up as a win. Four of them now have awakened quirks, they won over the doctor's beast, and they now have an army at their command. Yeah, no, this was a successful mission. Dabi doesn't really think anything else about the kiss. 

///

Been busy as all fucking hell as they reorganize and rebrand the Metahuman Liberation Army into the Paranormal Liberation Front, busy as he keeps chipping away at Hawks, busy because Duster is healing, busy, busy, busy. But it's going well. Pretty sure Hawks is close to breaking. Just wants friends, home, family, Dabi invites him around to the new base with Shigaraki's permission and half of the army keeping an eye on him. Sends Twice and Toga to go be their usual excitable, puppy-dog selves around him and Hawks is breaking. Likes them. Dabi is sure he'll flip. Knows the second he does that they've won the war. Has been putting a lot of eggs in the bird's basket, but he thinks the hero could really be worth it. 

Coming out of a Lieutenants meeting and spots the bird waiting down the hall, chatting up some other members while he does so. Isn't even in his hero costume today which bodes well. Never hangs out with other heroes out of uniform. But here he is, waiting for them. Duster sees Hawks and makes a very soft, amused sound in the back of his throat. Knows what Dabi's trying, his endgame, and has given his blessing for him to keep trying. 

Hawks spots them as they come out of the conference room and lifts a hand to greet them, Dabi is about to go down the hall to join him. Doesn't think anything of it when Duster curls three fingers into the collar of his coat. Automatically turns to accept the kiss. Hawks is a job after all and one they're all pretty invested in going well. 

"Good luck, firefly." Gives him a second little peck before he responds, 

"Mmhmm, have fun with your sycophant." Knows he's off to more meetings with Re-Destro about Detnerat. Duster lets go of his coat and goes down the other hall and Dabi turns his attention back to the hero. 

Hawks is staring at him, gobsmacked. Dabi's brows pull together as he moves down the hall to greet him properly, 

"Hey birdy, what's wrong with you?"

Takes the hero a second to shake whatever came over him, blinking, trying to school his features, failing, and then asking, sounding as bewildered as he looks, "You're dating Shigaraki?" 

Has him looking at the bird with equal bewilderment. "What? No, what the fuck gave you that idea?" 

Hawks is really, really looking at him like he's grown a second head. "Uh, the fact he just kissed you? Twice?" 

Dabi snorts, "Oh, no that's just a superstition." Starts to move and the bird follows him. Usually hangs out with him on the roof because the hero clearly likes to perch, he likes to smoke, and it keeps him far away from the things going on inside the base. Explains the tradition as they go, "Made a joke about getting a good luck kiss before a job and it went well, next time I didn't and it went to absolute shit, kind of got in the group's head that it's gotta happen if things are gonna go well." He shrugs. 

Hawks is still looking at him like he's just told him the staples are an aesthetic choice and not a necessity. "Dabi that is fucking insane." 

"Why? Lots of people have weird good luck rituals." 

"Yeah, okay, but having a talisman, or a rabbit's foot, or four-leaf clover is on a whole different level than casually kissing your boss before every mission." He says very carefully. Watches for his reaction and then he adds, more slowly, "Does he kiss anyone else before a mission?"

"What? No." 

Hawks looks very exhausted and Dabi is really not sure why. "You're dumb as shit." Unmistakable fondness in his voice. Definitely a good sign, even if he is being insulted. Means that Hawks has gotten comfortable enough here that he's not trying to be a perfect little spy anymore. That he thinks they're close enough to rib each other. 

"Shut the fuck up, pigeon, Toga told me you flew into a window last time you came by." 

Gets Hawks to chirp indignantly and they go back to their usual chatter. Hawks doesn't even remember to ask about any new information about what they're up to. Definitely another step towards success.

///

Problem is that, afterwards, Dabi can't get the hero's line of questioning out of his head. Finds himself watching Shig. Hasn't kissed him like he had before Deika again. Wonders if that was the exhaustion heightening everything and tearing down barriers. Wonders how he could get his lips against his again that hard and passionate. Probably shouldn't be wondering about that but he is. 

Has let those thoughts sit on the edge of his mind for a few days before he's sitting with Duster in his office working. They've both been quiet for a while and it's gotten pretty late. 

"Hey Duster,"

Shigaraki doesn't look up from whatever report he's reading. "What is it, Dabi?" 

"We're not dating, are we?" 

Duster still doesn't look up but he does snort softly. "If you have to ask, then the answer is 'no', firefly." 

"Okay." And they both go to their work for a few minutes. "Hey,"

"What?"

"Give me a kiss."

Duster finally looks up. "Why?"

"Need some luck, come on."

Shigaraki seems vaguely amused but acquiesces, leaning across his desk and pressing their lips together for just a second before starting to pull away. Dabi catches the lapels of his jacket in his hands and keeps him close. 

"Date me?" 

Duster kisses him again, long and deep, wraps his hand around the back of his neck to keep him close, licks into every inch of his mouth. Leaves him breathless and flushed when he pulls away this time. 

"That a 'yes'?" 

"No, just needed some extra luck. Want to get you in my bed in the next five minutes." Doesn't know if he's ever heard Duster's voice that dry and sarcastic. Tempting to deny him just to get back at him for being so damn smug. Doesn't want to when Shig presses back in for another kiss. 

[childlikegoblinqueen]

SCOM Writing Notes: Because it came up in comment.

So regarding Willow's emotional break. A few prompted by a comment from @immortalmint ! I wanted to address it here because I thought they were important to the narrative.

Because there's a few spoilers, I am putting it below the veil.

TW for some very frank discussions on mental health, pregnancy depression and anxiety, and some other stuff regarding parental illnesses.

Also, the next chapter's track!

Willow talks a lot about feeling like a vessel and having her voice taken away from her while everyone discusses what's best for her.

The whole idea of Willow's body and emotional condition being discussed without her is something that hits VERY close to home. There's a lot of nuance to how --- but in terms of pregnancy, I remember heading to my many appointments in my third trimester and feeling like I was donating my body to science. I would try to explain to the Drs how I felt like I had no place in my life and my pregnancy, and they would kind of blink at me like ... (what?) I have a hard time believing I am the first person who ever said that to them? I was in desperate need of therapy and I really had to seek it out myself. The refrain of "YOU'RE PREGNANT WITH TWINS! YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHY AREN'T YOU HAPPY?" was a lot. My body and mind were unraveling and I didn't understand WHY. There's a big need of emotional support in regular medicine. A lot of folks go into the field and CAN do the job, but they are not really capable of the bedside manner needed. I also dealt with this throughout my parents' illnesses. I would try to explain to palliative care Drs WHY my mother, for instance was in need of anti depressants (SHE'S SICK AND HER PROGNOSIS IS NOT GOOD!) And I would get confused looks and answers like "But I don't understand why she's depressed? Why is she experiencing anxiety?" Really?

2. Willow discusses how she feels awful that looking at pictures of her own childhood is so different to these new glimpses of Hunter's very bleak childhood.

I know I've mentioned this before, but a lot of this is inspired by children who have grown up in the spotlight by association, or who have experienced neglect and abuse in the public eye, but it might not have been seen that way until much later in their lives. SCOM Hunter has no interest in being famous, but he's a perfect target for paparazzi. Often (and I know in other countries -- the UK is brutal) the tabloid media treats abuse survivors -- not the best. I think about how the interest seems to be more on the abuse and not the recovery -- or privacy -- or how easily it can fall into victim blaming. Willow states that she loved Hunter before she realized what it meant to love someone who had been through what he had been through. And of course she loves ALL of him, but having to see these moments of his childhood on display when she's shopping for her Rx elixirs at the local store is beyond invasive. Even worse is that she's aware that folks look at him as complicit in his own abuse. ("He willingly used a branding glove, and now he claims sigils are bad?" "He was sitting next to Belos at a petrification! He was just staring! Clearly he felt no remorse!")

3. Vee' admission that she blames herself for Hunter being in danger.

Vee harbors a TON of guilt that Hunter is going to face retribution for massaging the truth during the trials to keep anyone from knowing that she's alive and living her best life in the HR. There's a lot of love between them, and she's already lost "siblings" in Three and Four. She has no idea what happened to them post escape and has to assume the worse. But since the trials, she's discovered that Hunter has been called a liar and though he told the truth about his observations re: The Coven Heads and Kikimora as well as a few other things that were contributed to the outcome of the trials. His mind had been invaded so many times that he can't give any memory photos anymore -- but when it came to his answer on the whereabouts of the basilisks, he tells the Inquisitors that he doesn't know the whereabouts of any basilisks currently residing on the Boiling Isles.

It isn't a LIE but if the trials are reopened and Hunter is questioned and anything he says comes into question -- it could open the door to the trio getting a retrial and being freed.

And obviously, there is NO way Hunter will sell Vee out.

[fuck-customers]

Looking for some advice concerning workplace harassment. One of my coworkers, we’ll call them X, has been getting targeted by another coworker, we’ll call Z, for months now and it’s only continuing to escalate. I work with X a majority of the week, so I know first hand that they work fine, but Z just seems to hate them specifically. They’ve even tried to rope me in to co-conspiring to have X fired, saying I’d get their weekend shifts if I agree. I like working with X so obviously I went and told them about this next shift we were together and said to be careful.

Over one of my closes last week I had to take the day off, which left X and a casual to cover the shift. Z does the open following that close, and apparently they took note of all the things not done properly night before, and had it escalated straight to upper management to have X punished. Now the bosses are on X’s case about how poorly the close was handled. The kicker? X’s shift ends 3 hours before we officially call last order and close up, and all the things complained about were things that would have fallen upon the casual closing to take care of, not them.

We’ve had similar instances happen with casuals doing the close and not cleaning certain things or leaving the place in a bit of disarray, but never once before this has it been an issue. This isn’t the first time Z has targeted X over things that aren’t their fault either. One time I accidentally forgot to clean a piece of equipment during my close, and instead of placing the blame on me Z claimed it was X’s fault and had him punished for it, despite me stepping in and insisting it was my fault.

I’ve been trying to convince X to go to HR about this, as it seems like it’s going beyond the point of minor complaints and is escalating into targeted harassment, but they claim they don’t want to start conflict and don’t believe it would actually solve the issue, but would instead have the bosses bearing down on them harder. I hate the whole situation because I can see how badly it’s affecting their mental well-being and the extra scrutiny also means I have to guarantee my closes are near perfect to avoid them getting into trouble on my behalf for any minor issues, which is putting a strain on me too.

I’m not sure what to do, I feel like I should step in and go to HR on X’s behalf, but I also don’t want to risk them copping extra flack for it. This most recent issue really pissed me off, but as far as the bosses know I have no knowledge it even happened, so it’s not like I can go confront them about it either. What should I do aside from continuing to defend X when I can?

Tldr; one of my coworkers is being targeted by another and while going to HR seems like a good idea it may end up only hurting the situation further. What can I do?

[ganymedesbussy]

idea: fake marriage fic

you know what would be good, some fucking fake marriage fic

like say that Aziraphale is just. Really fucking tired of his coworkers Tracy and Anathema trying to set him up on dates.

He's a private person! He likes to read his books and eat good food and listen to nice music and that's Fine! He doesn't need more than that!

but they keep needling and needling and needling him, so finally one day he kinda snaps???

"If you must know, I'm married" and he doesn't know why he said that! he could have said literally anything else!

he could have gone with 'dating' or 'not interested in seeing someone' or 'flattered, really, but please stop sticking your nose into my private life' but he said married

and oh no Newt from HR overheard him he hasn't included his spouse on any of the paperwork, does he want to go ahead and do that? they have a marvelous benefits package, after all

and Aziraphale just says ' ... sure, I'll take it home and get it all filled out over the weekend'

FUCK FUCK FUCK WHY DID HE SAY THAT???

he could have just told Newton he was trying to get out of being set up

but then again, Newt IS seeing Anathema, isn't he?

now he has one weekend to try and find a fake spouse who doesn't mind being on his paperwork???

and, well, his best friend Crowley has been his emergency contact for just ages now is it possible he'd be willing to play the loving spouse, in exchange for a nice benefits package?

if this is in the US/they're brits in the US, that's a mighty fine incentive to get health insurance

ooh, especially if Crowley has, say, chronic pain

hmm what if

WHAT IF

Crowley's still in London, and Aziraphale is in the US

... you know, a bit of paperwork would sure make that visa easier to get

might as well get married on paper

anyway he goes from "oh god what have I gotten myself into" to "wait I have the perfect plan to help my friend" in about 2 hours of thinking about it

and guess what he doesn't bother explaining much at all when he calls Crowley that night!

"Come on, you're coming out for a visit in a few weeks anyway, we can do it then!"

Crowley on the other end of the line, his heart slowly breaking into pieces as he's handed everything he wants but in the worst way

of course, once Aziraphale admits to being married, it's an entirely different set of work troubles

now every time Tracy wants to complain about Shadwell's cooking, he's asked 'what about yours, Aziraphale? He handy in the kitchen?'

and, well, Crowley is a very good cook, actually

and once he realizes he can just tell the truth about ... most of the mundane bits, well. it's hard to get him to stop talking!

... something something Crowley stopping by to bring him the lunch he forgot at home

something something both of them on the roof of their building, bundled in blankets, watching the perseids

something something Tracy apologizing for being so pushy with trying to set him up, only he'd seemed so lonely, but now that she's seen him with his dear husband of COURSE he'd seemed lonely before! That's true love for you

mentioning something about Shadwell being bad with words, but he shows his love in actions, always bringing little gifts and doing things for her

and Aziraphale is sitting there silently reconsidering the last 20+ years of his life

is he in love with Crowley???

He's used to the knowledge that Crowley is attractive, that's hardly a secret. That's like saying water's wet or fire's hot, it goes without saying.

and yes, okay, he's had more than a few guilty wanks over the years to the thought of being bent over the hood of that ridiculous car of his but that's just a physical thing, he'd be attracted to anyone who looked like Crowley, and moved like Crowley, and sounded like Crowley, and smiled like Crowley, with those little crinkles around his eyes

so he goes to his room and tries imagining something a little different, something more intimate and loving and OH FUCK he just came harder than he ever has in his life???

and he's gonna say something, right? that's what you do when you realize you love someone, you say something, right?

but oh no

he just remembered Crowley's medical care, his ability to stay in the US, all of that currently hinges on Aziraphale

what if Crowley doesn't love him, but feels pressured to reciprocate because of that??? he would be a cad of the highest order if he took advantage of that!

meanwhile, Crowley has decided you know what? Fuck it. if I'm supposed to be the doting husband? Oh I am going all in

Romantic dinners with candles, pet names, stuffed animals, little gifts left all over the house

holding hands in public, cheek kisses, holding the door for him and then he notices Aziraphale is acting a little funny

he's blushing all the time, and has a harder time making eye contact, and if he's not mistaken, Crowley thinks he's caught him checking him out?

suddenly this is just a little bit a game of chicken

how sweet can Crowley be, how loving, how tempting?

How close can he get to Aziraphale before he'll start stammering and turn away?

and have his ears always gone that fetching shade of pink?

then one day Crowley's taking the laundry down to the washroom but he slips on the stairs

it's not a huge injury, but fuck does it hurt

he's gonna be laid up for at least a few days

and he calls Aziraphale, who rushes home from work and picks him up bridal-style, and carries him back up to his own bed

(it's only practical, his room is warmer, his bed is bigger, he can keep watch on Crowley when he's up at night reading, in case Crowley needs anything) (it's definitely not because he's imagined him laying next to him, waking up sleepy and soft and warm and loved)

and now he's getting to feed Crowley in bed, and help him to and from the restroom, and watch old romantic movies on his laptop while they snuggle

and not to be rude, darling, but do you think you might be up for a bath? the tub is big enough for two, if you're worried about slipping

So he's settled against Aziraphale's chest, getting cleaned, and fuck, he can't hide that he's getting hard

and ah, well. Aziraphale had noticed that Crowley hadn't tried dating at all since he flew down, so he must just be a little pent up

it wouldn't be outside the bounds of friendship to help him out a little, would it?

and after that, well. Maybe Crowley plays up the recovery a little. Just a little. Just enough to stay in Aziraphale's room, in his bed

and in the mornings, if one of them wakes up hard (which usually happens), it's not like they haven't helped take care of each other before, now is it?

(can you tell I'm a fan of Pining While Fucking?)

and then maybe there's an offer of a nighttime handjob, purely to help the other one sleep, of course and then they're rubbing off on each other almost every night

Please, please. Thigh fucking

oh absolutely

Is Crowley going back to London? Or he's staying?

well, see, that's up in the air, a little he had planned to go back to London

so hmmm Sandalphon maybe learns that it's a fake marriage (snooping through Aziraphale's emails, maybe?) and snitches on him to Human Resources

but his job doesn't technically require it, he got an email a couple days ago when the marriage license came through that he can do his stuff remotely

Sandalphone is the insurance guy

Oh yes, health insurance bureaucrats make for excellent villains! yeah, he got flagged when a brand spankin' new marriage showed up, with an overseas partner, for lots of health care

so then one morning Aziraphale is rubbing off against Crowley, fucking his thighs, his cock just brushing against his hole, and Crowley cracks

"Will you just fuck me already?"

and Aziraphale pauses, because. Well. He hadn't actually thought that Crowley wanted him to?

I mean sure, a handjob feels better than masturbating, but that doesn't mean he specifically wanted Aziraphale's hand, right?

but now that the dam's broken, Crowley's just babbling

please, please fuck me, Angel, I need it, I need to feel you inside me, god, do you have any idea how long I've wanted you? How many times I've gone home with someone wishing it was you? How many times I wanted to come up behind you, wrap my arms around your waist and bury my face in your neck? And now we're married, we're married, Aziraphale, and I know it doesn't mean to you what it means to me, but I want you, I've wanted you for ages, only you, I'd do anything for you, you know that right? Tell me you know that, angel, please, tell me you know I love you and fuck me with that fucking perfect cock of yours.

and Aziraphale doesn't reply, he can't, the only thing he can do is slick himself up and pound Crowley into the mattress

and it's minutes before he realizes he's just chanting "I know, I know, I know" into Crowley's shoulder

and meanwhile Sandalphon is smug as shit, he's got a cousin in homeland security who's letting him ride along to confront Aziraphale's fake-husband! He's going to get a pat on the head and a biscuit from CEO Gabriel for sure!

and they knock on the door, and there's the sound of shuffling and muttered oaths and then a hastily-dressed Aziraphale opening the door, still sweaty and panting

and Sandalphon is crowing about how once they deport you for marriage fraud you're not allowed to come back, even if you got REAL married

and Crowley just kinda... limps out of Aziraphale's bedroom, still naked, clearly just fucked within an inch of his life

"Jesus christ, angel, you know you've gotta go easy on my hips, I'm gonna be walking funny for days. Who's your friends?"

and Sandalphon is just opening and closing his mouth like a fish and the police just. very awkwardly turn away. guiding Sandalphon out of the house as they leave

Sandalphon gets in trouble for a false report? oh of course! his cousin put his neck out for him! and jeez, Sandy, you might not like The Gays or whatever, but that's no reason to go filing false reports!

CEO Gabriel is VERY upset at the optics of all this so he also gets fired, just in case

and back in the apartment, Crowley and Aziraphale are just sitting on the couch together, giggling like loons because of course Crowley could hear what was going on in the living room

he'd been in the process of putting on clothes when Sandalphon started on about the fake marriage bit and just decided, fuck it, no pants oclock it is

let them try and say we aren't married when I've got your come leaking out of me

then they kiss (first kiss?), and say I love you, the end

but yeah, someone should definitely write that

[septembersghost]

What shocks me is that when that album came out every swiftie believed she loved him unless you thought it was pr. But 10 years later I have seen swifties claiming she only loved calvin jake and joe and harry while loved her she didn't love him back. And she wanted him as a fun hookup after everything with jake. Like if she only wanted him for hookups

She wouldn't have told him 'let's date again'

She wouldn't have made those snarky tour speeches where she said "people think they can walk in and out of your life anytime they want to" or every other AYHTDWS comment.

She wouldn't have got emotional during this love and removed it from the setlist

She wouldn't have gotten emotional during wonderland in 2018(nearly 3 years after their final interaction) after finding out he loved her

She wouldn't have gotten petty regarding AYHTDWS ryan Adam's interview("you could've stayed you didnt. So bye I dont miss you")

The 'immature' tumblr like(for which harries came for her)

Like the whole point of it was she thought she was the one who was more into him(she talked about being into him and excitedly texting him while he took hrs to give reply and he only came for hookups) but he loved her too much too but she found out too late. (This is my personal interpretation but 'I wounded the good and trusted the wicked seemed like trusting C over H to ME but it is personal).

i don't want this to be mean, but i feel like lyric comprehension and general media literacy in regards to what she's saying musically, and even what she's depicting visually, has plummeted lately, and i'm uncertain if quite a bit of that is due to a massive influx of new fans (who i'm happy to have join us!) who simply don't HAVE that context? or confusion over the real aspects of folkmore bleeding into everything else? which is understandable, but it's not difficult to find out more before making snap judgments. (it's nuts that anyone ever uses the pr accusation btw, the songs from both of them are clear and real. as if they would expend that much energy lying? please.) the frustrations and emotions she showed, and then what he further revealed, paint a clear picture. timing is a funny thing...

that part of daylight has had a different interpretation in my head, though that was long before midnights, so we do have even more reason to see C in the "trusted the wicked" line, and it easily could be about many situations (the kw/kk phone call, scott b., times she hurt joe, friends she felt she hadn't done right by or people she's ghosted, c and h, etc). i think that's something that has haunted her, the idea that she's put faith in people who have betrayed and hurt her deeply, and that she's lashed out at or let down people who are good and true and whom she loves. which i think most of us struggle with at one point, that lyric has a lot of resonance.

[whatisreggieshortfor]

A Project

For @lasswithumor

Carl x MC

Coworkers

Naleah Coleman enjoyed her work. Tech wasn’t something people outside of the field found interesting. It wasn’t glamorous, outside of the rare expo. But she loved the idea of being able to take something apart and look at the small components that made it work, to find a way to make it better.

The view from her desk wasn’t too bad either.

Carl Sullivan. Tall, handsome, brilliant.

Stationed directed across the space from her desk.

Naleah was sure she spent just as much time watching him as she did doing her work, if not more. The flushed cheeks and shy smile she would see when he caught her told her he might not mind too much though.

But she often wondered how long she’d have to dance around it before one of them would be brave enough to actually say something. She figured it wouldn’t be him, not after relationship with the girl from the cycling committee went south and she’d tried like to get him in trouble with HR. But finding a good time to actually approach him about her affections?

She would swear it didn’t exist.

One of them was always held up at the end of the day about something on a project, or they got stuck with a request during lunch.

She couldn’t very well ask while they were working.

And then she got a her new project assignment.

And this time she would have a partner for it. A certain dark haired man that also usually worked alone.

“No, you can’t use that polymer to adhere the circuit board to the titanium alloy.” Naleah sighed.

Carl’s lips pursed thoughtfully into a pout, and she ignored the urge to kiss it away, “I suppose you are right. The reaction between that polymer and the titanium would risk overheating and frying the circuitry. Maybe if we use an epoxy adhesive rather than polyurethane-“ he stopped abruptly, fingertips tapping off each other, “I mean to say, I would appreciate hearing your opinion on the matter. What do you believe the correct adhesive would be?”

Her brow furrowed. The Carl she had become familiar with wasn’t like this. Wasn’t nervous about the things he knew, or the ideas he had. He was always sure of the thoughts he made into statements. It often rubbed other coworkers the wrong way. So why was he second guessing himself now? “Carl, do you not want to work with me?” She blinked at herself. That wasn’t the question she had been planning to ask.

His eyes widened, “No- I mean- Yes. I do want to work with you.”

“Are you sure?” She bit her lip, eyes staring at the blueprints of the device they were trying to develop rather than his expression. “You seem…different when you work with others.”

“I-“ He cleared his throat, “I suppose I do.”

“It’s okay. Like, I get it. You prefer to work alone and-“

“No, I assure you, Miss Coleman, it isn’t that.” Carl took a deep breath, not so much looking at her as he was staring over her shoulder. “I just- I am aware that I can be classified as difficult. I work alone in true vast majority or situations because I infuriate colleagues. I…I do not want to infuriate you or showcase that I can be difficult.”

She felt her head cocking to the side without realizing she had even moved, face turned up to look at him now, “Why would I be bothered that you like to work a certain way?”

He pursed his lips again, glancing down as his fingers continued tap tap tapping off each other, “I am merely trying to be certain that the way I behave will not make you…no longer like me.”

Hope brimmed in her chest, threatening to overflow, but she needed to be sure if he meant it the way she did. “In what way…do you want me to like you?”

“Preferably in the same way I like you?” He offered uncertainly. Uncertainty was never a look she’d seen on him before. “I understand if you do not reciprocate, but I would like to imagine partaking in activities together when the project is complete.”

“You mean you’d like to go out. With me. Romantically.”

“Yes.”

She nodded, biting her lip in an attempt to smother a smile that was threatening to split across her face, “Okay. But why would you change yourself for that?”

Carl frowned, his brow furrowing, “I do not wish you to think I am difficult.”

She giggled, just to herself, “I know you’re difficult.” His lips pursed again but she continued, “Carl, you’re smart and don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. You don’t take criticism from anyone that doesn’t have the points to back it up. People label you as difficult because you’d rather point out the flaws of a plan from the get go rather than keep your mouth shut to avoid making waves. It’s good to be difficult.”

“I…I suppose to hadn’t thought of it that way.”

“Now you will.” She grinned, gesturing to the blue prints, “Now, what were you saying about using the epoxy adhesive for the circuit board?”

It took a few weeks, and a lot of arguments between them about design flaws and testing, but eventually the two of them finished the project. She half expected to go back to admiring him from her desk when they turned in the final project to the budget committee, but he was good at defying her expectations.

“Are you ready?” Naleah blinked up at Carl, standing at the edge of her desk with her coat tucked over his arm.

“Ready for…?”

His ears flushed a flight pink as he cleared his throat, “I suppose I may have taken your encouragement as an affirmative response. The, uh, the project is finished, so I thought- maybe- but if you do not wish to-“

“You were serious?” She felt her cheeks warm, “Okay, yeah, let’s go.” She grinned as she stood from her desk, allowing him to hold her coat for her to slip her arms into, “What did you have in mind?”

“How would feel about a culinary exploration of countries in a park down the street?” He looked unsure again, but she liked the fact that she made him nervous.

“The food truck festival? Yes, please.”

Masterlist

@justtuesdays @sunshinejihyun

[tothemoonandback-myass]

Posting this more to keep record since I'm starting to lose track of all the bullshit that's happened in the last few months. Starting with:

- My most recent ex (M) breaking up with me out of nowhere. More on that later.

- Getting threatened on the floor by my assistant manager

- Two weeks later of said assistant manager being a complete ass and bully I get fired because HR didn't want to actually deal with the problem after I reported him. Also because my manager was old friends with him and the only coworker who was a witness hated me.

- My grandmother died

- Unemployed and somehow catch COVID even though for the first time since the pandemic started im not interacting with hundreda of people regularly? Completely kicked my ass for about a week

- I completely cut off contact with my entire friend group including my best friend after a couple months of increased problematic behavior and now I'm alone with no one

- I start losing my vision in my left eye and when I get it checked at my usual doctor (because I had a history of this particular thing happening) I get told it's nothing serious

- another month or so later I'm down a third of my vision and get a second opinion. They immediately catch the problem (same as I had before) and I'm rushed to the hospital for emergency eye surgery. That's a loose term because I was stuck there for 3 days where no one told me anything and I couldn't eat and was essentially in a hallway.

- My most recent ex (M) tells me the reason we broke up was due to her accidentally getting pregnant and miscarrying within a few days and it messing everything up and caused her to lose it on me (understandably). We weren't ready for kids and it wouldn't have happened but still a fucked up thing to learn and confusing to think about.

- My most important ex (P), back from 2015 or so accidentally came back into my life briefly. We talked, it went poorly, as nice as it was to know they were alive they didn't mean to reveal they were checking up on me and everything went to shit. It ended with a fight and them blocking me. This is the same ex who cheated on me, had a kid with the guy less than a year later, then some time later used me for a few months before disappearing again, leading me to thinking they might be dead and them secretly checking up on me for who knows how long because they "care". I don't fucking know. I'm exhausted.

--- update 1 ---

- matched with a super attractive girl on a dating app. She was super into me. Everything seemed great.

- Then I get blocked out of nowhere. Accused of shit I never did. Freak out and explain and eventually fix things that I had no control over in the first place.

- Planned to meet. Talked the entire way to where we were meeting up. Maybe 5 minutes away she starts acting funny. Changes the meeting place further away. Posts weird statuses on Facebook. Stops replying. Blocks me again. Get threatened by her brother. I freak out again with no idea what's going on or if she's even okay.

- I write a long letter explaining how I'm not sure what happened but I'm extremely hurt and confused and would like to try again if she would just talk to me about what's going on.

- she eventually replies, apologizes. Blames her brother for sabotaging the meet. I explain I'm on my last chance with her. My emotional and mental health has been devastated and I can't take the stress anymore. We start talking again and make plans to meet the next day. I reply to one last message quickly while half awake as I pass out. But everything is fine.

- wake up the next day and I'm blocked. Again. She claims I'm a piece of shit. Selfish. Has a line of guys who want to be with her. Etc. After a mini panic attack I calm down and realize she has serious issues. She needs help and I need to walk away from this situation and wash my hands of it. Finally after a week of insanity and my mind being played with and fucked around I'm able to get back to good

--- update 2 ---

- been looking for a place to buy or rent for over a year and no luck. Every time I apply they say they're swamped and have like 80 applicants and it's just impossible to find a place unless I spend my entire income monthly. So I'm stuck where I am

- for a few months now it's been increasingly clear the business I work for is going down the drain. The owner is a joke, the people before the current staff signed shit contracts and combine that with the downturn in the industry everything's been going downhill and looking more and more like we're gonna go out of business. Ever since I started back in August every month at minimum 1 person has left and not been replaced and now we're bare bones and I just have no fucks left to give about this place which sucks because I fucking loved this job until a couple weeks ago.

- my boss, the one who I was the assistant to and literally was the only reason I got hired in the first place gave her notice a few days ago. It sucks. The job was already bullshit but I'm not willing to pick up her work on top of my own since they're not replacing her and just expecting things to be fine.

- the family cat, Grey, hurt his paw a couple weeks ago. Thankfully nothing major aside from some pain meds but still a bit of a worry. Then earlier this week he was acting funny and not looking good and he was rushed to the vet. Turns out he had a urinary blockage and even though it's fairly common they went over everything including worse case scenarios including euthanasia and I was devastated. I was barely able to hold myself together at work and not breakdown. Even though he's home now and doing much better I'm still depressed from it. When I visited him at the hospital there was a woman in the room next to us. In the middle of me and my dad talking I had to stop him because I heard her crying. She said she was sorry and sobbed and it was clear her pet was just put down and it killed me. I can't stop hearing that over and over.

- Probably to be continued cuz my life is a joke

[findingmypeace]

10/2/2022

I’ve been babysitting for most of the day. I still have 3 hrs to go. It’s been pretty easy but also boring. It’s just one of the kids today (there’s two that still need supervision) and he’s not feeling the greatest (has a cold) so I’ve pretty much let him hang out and watch tv for most of the day. He’s also played his keyboard quite a bit. He’s getting pretty good at playing his keyboard. And then of course I’ve made him breakfast and lunch. One of the older kids is here-she’s 19 but she just broke her clavicle so she’s spent most of the day in her room. Outside of that it’s been a fairly calm day.

I think I might have found a new therapist. I found a website that lists all the psychologists in our county (not psychology today). K is listed on there as well. But right after her is someone who is trained in attachment and eating disorders and takes my new insurance. Over the past week I’ve looked at hundreds of profiles (this time on Psychology Today) and have not felt any connection or even any desire to work with them. None of them seemed to fit. But this therapist I found seems like the best fit I’m going to find.

I still want to ask K about the superbill but I’m beginning to think it’s probably not a good idea. I also pay for my dietitian out of pocket because insurance companies usually don’t cover dietitians for purposes of an eating disorder (which is stupid, imo). But between my dietitian and K I would be paying $1,200 a month at the beginning. Once I submit the single case agreement I will start getting reimbursed for sessions with K but insurance companies aren’t the most ethical companies so I’ll probably get reimbursed half or less than half of K’s actual fee. If that’s the case I will probably still be paying $1,200/month and being reimbursed $3-400 a month. Maybe $500 if I’m super lucky. That still leaves me paying between $900-$600 out of pocket each month. Unless, I just don’t have a dietitian. That would save me about $400 more a month. There is a small chance my new insurance would cover a dietitian, also through a superbill. I think I remember my dietitian saying something about that. But I could be wrong. The bottom line is that I’m just not quite sure I can afford to spend that much of my income on a therapist/dietitian. And, yet, I’m desperate to keep seeing K. I do kind of want to try it just to see how much the insurance company is willing to reimburse me but I wouldn’t be able to afford to start doing that until probably December by which time I should be caught up on my bills and be all signed up for my new insurance. I could try it and if it’s not affordable I would have to stop seeing K but I could see this new therapist I found.

I don’t know. Maybe how desperate I am is a sign I need to find someone new. But I don’t like that idea. I just wish this whole situation never happened. I felt really secure with K. I feel like this came out of the blue. And she told me the day after I stepped down from residential. And now I don’t have a therapist while I’m going through all of this transition and loss and right after discharge from treatment. I really don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be without therapy for the next two months. But there really isn’t anything else I can do, especially until I start getting a regular pay check and catch up with my bills.

[tuxedo-lef]

Share the fabinelli abo brain rot bestie! I'm like two seconds away from staging up all night to write fabinelli football x dancer au. You were right in thinking like soccer and the scene you wrote was so good. Also the closed proximity thing, them hooking up in a closet....interesting idea that could definitelyyyy work 😉

Yay!! I’m cheering you on and hope you get (or got, depending on when you read this) lots of writing done 🥳💗 I can’t wait to read whatever you have in store for the football x dancer au

As for the fabinelli ABO au that’s been occupying my brain for the past days 🚬😮‍💨 (i’m kidding - i don’t even smoke lol)…

It’s set in a “traditional” abo setting. it’s kind of nsfw. i would expand this into more than 5k words at least.

In Porto, Fábio learns that amicable scenting, cuddles, and any other forms of physical affection are transactional. The first night he spent away with the team, he was sharing a room with Diogo. Fábio was beaming from happiness as his same-aged friend scented him and held him close while they were watching a reality show on his laptop. His skin no longer itched from needing to feel an alpha’s touch and his nervous system was finally calming down.

The second night, Diogo had told Fábio that he wanted him to suck him off once they got back to their room. He had made sure to do so right in front of the coach while they were eating dinner. Fábio had blushed and had hit Diogo on the arm telling him to stop joking. Instead, the coach had looked at Fábio with a serious air and stated that Fábio could not only take from his alpha teammates. An omega had to give back as well.

Fábio befriends Gabi when he arrives at Arsenal like a child picks his best friend in kindergarten. Gabi makes him laugh the most. Gabi likes the same things as him. Gabi also wears an inhibitor patch on his neck like Fábio learned to do a few months into his professional career.

Fábio doesn’t know if it’s the multiple lifts in the early morning or the way practices pass by two times faster if he can exchange looks of inside jokes with Gabi while Arteta goes on and on about another flamboyant analogy for teamwork. Gabi and him are sharing the same wavelength, it seems like nothing could come between them.

Fábio thinks he latches onto Gabi more than the team itself. ‘It’s a problem’ is what he’s told by Edu at his third evaluation, four months into joining the club.

The first season flashes by and Fábio still finds it difficult to bond with some of the players on the team. His lack of consistent playtime makes him feel like an outsider - someone who’ll be traded out to another team in a few seasons anyway.

But he’s there long enough to witness and experience a cultural shift at Arsenal.

“Scent patches are a bad look for the team. Makes the media and the fans wonder if some of our players are mistreated because of their secondary genders,” the head of Arsenal’s HR department was speaking monotonously like they were announcing a new training on cybersecurity.

“We’re requesting that all players and staff on the team stop wearing inhibitor patches starting next week. Disclosure of your secondary gender is mandatory and failure to do so will be noticed and met with strict discipline. Of course, any form of discrimination based on secondary genders will be dealt with immediately.”

For the first time, Gabi and Fábio don’t seem to be drifting on the same wavelength. Gabi is snorting after whispering something in Magalhaes’ ear, trying to contain his laughter. Fábio can barely feel his limbs. His head is floating and pulling him back to a darker past. For the first time in a while, Fábio leaves London Colney on his own without waiting for Gabi.

Fábio decides not to wait until next week and to rip the bandaid off. Apparently, so did Gabi. When his best friend parked his car in front of his apartment, Fábio opened the door and smiled as though he wasn’t revealing his worst fear to the person who mattered most to him. His attempt was pointless because the poignant scent of fresh citrus hit Fábio like a slap in the face.

—————

Basically Fábio is all hesitant to push things further than friendship with Gabi because he has trust issues with alphas and things are different now that he knows Gabi is an alpha. Gabi gets it all wrong because he only starts to make moves on Fábio once their scent patches are off.

Gabi asks Fábio for more (than just friendly cuddling) after a night out with the team. It scares Fábio away and they only rekindle once Gabi accepts that they’ll do this at whatever pace Fábio is comfortable with.

It’s August 2024 and Fábio learns that he’s going to be sent on a loan back to Porto. He’s afraid of going back. He’s afraid of losing Gabi. Fábio doesn’t want to lie to himself anymore, so he confesses to Gabi and tells him “I love you” when they’re about to have one of their friendly sleepovers.

Gabi is mad (more at Arteta/Edu than Fábio) because of the loan. He’s also hurt that Fábio is only willing to commit when he’s about to leave. He tells Fábio that he doesn’t want to give “them” a try if it’s long distance because it wouldn’t be a fair shot. It comes out more harsh than honest. When Gabi asks Fábio if he needs to borrow a shirt to sleep, Fábio tells him he’s not willing to stay the night anymore and basically flees the scene.

Things are very cold between them after. Fábio leaves London and no one is there to wish him goodbye at the airport except his agent.

Queue lots of angsty Fábio who misses Gabi in Porto but who also realizes that Arsenal to him is only Gabi because no one else from the team has tried to reach out to him since he left. Fábio isolates himself a lot. He starts wearing his scent patches again. They work but they make everything feel dull around him.

I don’t have an ending yet, but it would have to be good because I can’t deal with sad endings 😅 Also Fábio does matter to the team (at least some of them) but he kind of convinces himself that he doesn’t… he’s in a bad place mentally in this one 😔

[rennyji]

wants-needs-toGetStarted

UPDATED June 3, 2024, 7:20 PM

My brain seems dull, my vision seems dull, & I’m hearing something about brain waves. 4 whatever reason, somethings dulling my brain & waves. It’s making me feel tired along w/meds. There’s also not letting me say a prayer 4 self,&that too in privacy, w/making me trip on words.

- I have zero incentive 2say anything about “this.” Every point I wanted 2make, every nice ending I wanted2give, has been given. I need money & making it would be better use of my time. I wrote yesterday and the orchestrators worsened my situation.-

- if it was about mind reading/mind control/brain wave spreading w/o being invasive, then this was failure. Had I never broken 4th wall like this, while talking 2family/doctors, this would not evolve in any way. & orchestrators R of mentality 2instill problems 2force me 2speak.-

- I can’t type because fingers feel like wobbly hot dogs that aren’t in full control. I feel flat, dull in mind/vision, and after speaking on alpha/beta waves, I feel like sludge weighing/pressing in my Brain. Like something decided to try harder in a different direction.-

- while everyone else is experiencing an augment in various shapes or forms or being able to multitask, I’m left worse than when all this started. And I was pretty well off in mind/body before this happened.-

-In orchestrators ampingUpTheirBeta waves/frontal cortexes, urNotJust increasing urFocus/willPower 2meet a deadline. Im feeling like sociopaths R in myHead. Its probably b/c, rather than individuallyIncreasing attributes, ur amplifying whole frontalRegion, like a cocaine addict.-

- guy U placed in my head, apparently whatever brain mapped 2 me, means, shows enjoyment in my plight. These R uncomfortable situations w/a lot of fear factors.-

-4majorityOfTime,brainFeelsLike vegetableInEverySense.WeighsLight likeCarrot. Dull/dead likeCarrot.Need circulation/Need waves,I think? Random arguments onInterferencesHeard,butIf lotsOfPeopleDrainingHead,need supplement-al waves 2supportAllPeople. OnNormalDay,mayNotNeedAsMuch.-

- 2 big gripes. When off meds, can function with 5 hrs sleep or even get by with less (can push thru). But meds place limits on health. Need more sleep for some magical reason and face ravenous hungers.Hard 2 push thru. Need some workaround 4 that if ur not going2let me sleep In.-

- next Big gripe. All I can really do is watch tv. The dark vision, is a constant reminder and annoyance in situation. Color seems prominent, but it’s like looking thru tinted or black sunglasses.-

- On a normal day, I think, 4-5 white lights in room would be very bright. Not experiencing its brightness. Now it’s like when eye doctor puts lens in eye and asks better here or better there. Need a better lens.-

- I’m pretty indecisive w/these things, but a complaint that comes to mind is fog, like eye foggers composing an entire lens of their own. Now I’m getting a taste of the brightness of my lights.-

- In saying more, ur personalities & interests aside, b/c im indecisive, I’d screw thisUp w/more input. Whatever wouldB natural, post-LASIK with hydrated eyes, would be best.I have 20/22 vision. So if I need “supplements” of sorts w/waves & due2increased load2MyHead,appreciated.-

- @ some point in this, Ive been told I’m going 2B harvested 4myLifeForce 2strengthen American military&political leaders.I’ve also been told I’m going to lose consciousness&haveAnother person running w/my body. Uncomfortable/plausible ideas & reasons4me 2 take meds/stay Silent.-

- if I could say 1 more gripe that reminds me this is happening: when I took Vyvanse/ Lexapro & did yoga, breathing/circulation/& control of hands/feet/torso=strong. I had good grip of hands/feet, could plant them firmly.-

- W/o drugs= clumsy, &w/ mind control, horrified Ive no control typing on phone & thought blocked & confused w/ which keyboard to switch b/w number/letter/punctuation keyboards.-

- I want better motor control, thick veins like my dad and brother, strong circulation, East Asian but thick straight hair like the Malu/Parsi actor in head to replace my Indian wavy hair, I want hair period, I want to not have to use eye drops after LASIK,-

- & as a sign of good faith, I want red lines in my eyes 2 go away/the blemishes randomly caused, 2 disappear(my wounds/blemishes Rnot healing 4someReason),-

-I’d like a body that never retains fat (a genetic predisposition4 that), whatever causes lack of firmness in my lips 2stop happening, seasonal allergies gone like runny congested crusted nose & throat clearing sputum gone, perfect lungs and breathing capacity,-

- I want the drive to do things, motivation/interest for what I set my focus on, focus, will power, and a healthy amount of calm. All subtle things that shouldn’t be hard.-

- I need a job for money, to keep me busy, or I need some source of income for gettting out of house to eat at least or maybe watch a movie, or for snacks while I watch streaming apps.-

- I need money to repay my loan, and if I could ask for what’s not a need, I want a pair of Apple visions and a new desk and bed furniture, so I have walking space in my room and for an LA Fitness and Peloton membership.-

- If I can’t get a job, despite 2 degrees, or a masters degree, I need mindset 2 watch reruns in quiet, W/o this guy talking 2 me. -

- I’d like to be able to use the bathroom in the morning and I’d like to be able to cozy to sleep at night, in the way I nod off to sleep during the day, where I have, comfortably. Every Night, in contrast, I’m in mental pain after meds, in moments b4 falling asleep.-

- These things would make what remains of the phenomena bearable.

-&that day: my moms bday, where she’s narrating everything she’s doing, or bum @ clinic who eats obnoxiously, Regarding both situations, if U could remove remote viewer using my voice of reason,incrediblyHelpful. Otherwise,remindMe inSuchSituations, 2ignore&stay quiet or 2move.

Eyes/vision needs a “lens up” like when eye doctor asks better here or better there. -

- 1 more request on eyes:Undo LASIK, or negatives of LASIK like lack of corneal thickness, lack of sun protection, or dry eyes, or halos/starbursts. @ least “this much” w/ eyes as I remember it in last 10 min, when some1 decided 2screw w/eyes again, & madeItBetter4BriefInstant.

- when I was on Lexapro & Vyvanse, when I look at a piece of paper or try 2 read a text book, my eyes read in manner of processing/digesting each individual word on the paper, one word at a time, one line- left to right- at a time. I want that, as I’m struggling w/it right now.-

- I would explore the whole gamut of ADD symptoms. An EX. of ADD symptom: When I don’t want to do something, be it submitting/scanning a form or getting out of bed in the morning, I’d visualize it or think about it to get ignition going & engine going “to carry out the action.”

- there’s also a sensation of sedation being slapped onto or into the crown of my head and into my brain. It periodically creeps up during meds and mostly when I’m trying to sleep at night. If that pain could be removed, appreciated…

-next thing: little nuances take away from my focus. Part of reason I want new bedroom furniture is b/c I want space, while auditory voices might’ve said something about claustrophobia. open space of kitchen eating area make annoying phone calls easy.Another ADD personality symptom.-

- I want 2B able plan something @ will/do things at will, whether it be going to bed, going 2bathroom, starting a project, workingOut, or just working. when I set my mind to something, it should be done. I shouldB able 2functionInAnyEnvironment, however hot/cold/spacious/cramped.

- next thing I notice or am reminded of, the octave of my voice keeps changing. It’s like the firmness to my lip. There is an inconsistency. My voice as I remember it before meds and mind reading was deeper. I feel I’m made to sound passive, with excessive pleases and thank u’s.

- when I walk, I want each movement to count, now it seems like I’m flailing in the wind, or I’m stomping like an angry kid. At this point, something is just f*ing with me, as ur warping natural things…but, as guidance, explore gamut of ADD personalities and flaws…

- voice needs 2B deeper, like when I used 2 do Church readings, moves from walking 2 button pushes shouldB w/ confidence/precision, posture shouldB back straight/chest up/no swagger,-

- this turning off of signal to face and brain to make me immobile unthinking vegetable has to stop. I clearly need my brain waves.

- in school, my classmates would play games on their laptops while the teachers taught classes. While my classmates went about their business, “just by being in the room,” they were able to digest what they teacher said though they were playing games. I want that.-

- I want eidetic memory/photographic memory, but for immediate purposes, I want strong “working memory.” I’m hearing, for the most part, what’s on the news. But I cannot think back to two sentences prior of what I heard.-

- I may get a gist of what’s said on the news, but as child, before mind reading/mind control, I could recite back a book I read with excruciating detail. When I’d read, I’d see a movie in my head.-

- When I studied in high school, I used rote learning, and at years end, I could recite my whole notebook back. On Vyvanse, I could visualize and multiply three digit numbers by three digit numbers. I want that back and enhanced.

- & an observation worth noting, when I drink coffee, nothing happens. Ive heard of people pulling a night shift after 1 good cup of coffee. Now something worse happens,I feel sleepy after a cup of coffee. I thought mayB my adrenals/ glands R drained-But,probably situation/life.-

-On meds, any form of stimulation, any “tentacle reaching” of the “beta-wave induced-projected-frontal-cortex” of the remote viewer, makes me feel sleepy. Then combine it with lack of sleep and meds, more unpleasantness.

- fly away eyes/fly away words or reading; not sure what the term is. But when I try to skim a piece of text on paper, my eyes aren’t scanning 1 word at a time & 1 line at a time. If it were the latter, & it should be, everything should digest 1 word at a time, 1 line at a time.-

- and when whatever decides to speak, it’d be nice if it was enlightening material like what exactly are, eye foggers/foggy things, that some people see?! What’s their purpose? Is it an ailment?

All race/ethnicity hasAdvantages. BlackPeople seem 2have EZier affinity2 muscles/noFlyawayFacialHair. WhitePeopleSeem2B tall/slender/fast metabolism. Asians haveGoodFlexibility. CertainEyeColors haveBetterSunProtection. Itd B nice2 haveBlendOfPositives

---

- orchestrators cause so much noise in my head even after ECT (4NoReason), after antipsychotics, after dual antidepressants, after benzos…-

-theres no conveyer belt of thoughts in a factory line up. I don’t understand how U don’t see big picture. It’s probably from ur beta wave/focus mind from projecting ur frontal cortex 2 steer my whole brain. Ur interference inHead isCausingLackOf processingOfSenses/info;dangers.-

-Ive learned in yoga, that U do things 2relax &focus. It’s always marijuana or alcohol/cocaine, or legal Lexapro (antidepressant)/Vyvanse amphetamine stimulant) combo.-

-So while U go, full on, w/beta waves (just assuming) w/all my alpha wave sources & innately calm self, I’m not processing what I see/hear.-

-If u go too much alpha wave, then not enough focus/processing. Need the combo, I’m guessing as I’m not a scientist. Need some alpha and some beta waves.-

- And I think there’s a third wave: gamma waves. Don’t know what that does. Maybe there’s more. But that’s what I remember from school. There are thoughts, & when I wrote about gamma waves I had a memory or remembered gamma waves. You can’t say everything, it’s bad health.

- there are expressions: “avoid irritation” and “keep calm and carry on” … ur not keeping calm if ur constantly yammering in the head…see next tweet for a Buddhist monk story someone told me in high school:-

- this is the Buddhist Monk story… learn to let things go rather than letting it ravage your mind…

https://x.com/RennyJi/status/1781524720266985805

tweets before midnight on Friday Apr 19, 2024, that I'm putting right side up, in Tumblr blog post below (NOTE: everything else from today and last several days/weeks):

https://x.com/RennyJi/status/1781526370541047950

[christmascocos2023]

Wednesday 16th August

Before I get to today,as promised a bit more detail on yesterday.

As I said the flight was delayed by an hour because the incoming from Perth was an hour late.(I have been told by locals this is not an unusual occurrence). Yesterday was late because they had to redistribute the hold load so better balanced. Apparently it was carrying freight as well. As what they were putting into the hold was known in advance have no idea why they hadn’t sorted this in advance. I think they need a good loadmaster😂. By, the time we got to Cocos it was dark,windy and showers of rain. Not an auspicious start! However I was saved by the lovely Jill who was standing there with a sign held up for my accomodation. She just took over and helped me find my car,move my luggage and give me the gen re getting some food. Unlike the flight from Perth I came on this flight was just snacks and no food. Poor passengers going on to Perth! However at the airport is a place called Saltys which does pizzas fast for the transit passengers (you have to know that but people cotton on quick). The same place then does them and delivers across the lawn from them to the Cocos club(read local pub and bottle shop😁). I preordered then and walked back 40mins later after dropping stuff at my accommodation (I will just use its name Birdsnest from now on). Jill had me follow her to Birdsnest, settled me in and was generally extremely helpful and things just seemed under control again! She actually manages the place and the owner Peter lives next door. I walked the 3mins back and as my pizza wasn’t quite ready popped into the club and bought a bottle of red.

COMMENT

The management of transit and other passengers and the staying people’s luggage is very unique at least in my experience. They do the usual directing groups down different routes but those staying end up corralled in a pen area with a barrier like in the airport queues lines. Then an either border force or police person tells us to watch a screen which tells us about the road rules. Fastest is 50km and mainly 30km/hr. They also have these sites set up with a radio that you can call police or ambulance on as there is no mobile service on the island at all. In the same place is free first aid items you can use for free but tell police what you used so they can replace. Very innovative people here😁.

We then stood about and the tug carrying our luggage pulls in in Front of us and undercover and the barrier is removed and we are told to collect our baggage😁. Talk about a free for all😂. As you can imagine I was tired, hungry and over it so Jill’s friendly face was a godsend.

NOW TO TODAY

Woke after a restless night so not refreshed. I think I may be back in a run of restless nights☹️. Certainly my back is sore so that probably wakes me. Still Panadol and a red should sort for tonight😁. It was however very quiet except for the wind and the pounding of the wave both of which were very relaxing (but seemingly not enough to keep me asleep). Still if you are awake it is a lovely sound to hear. I will post photos but I am literally a narrow roads width from the ocean and can sit on my veranda or in my lounge and see the ocean. Unfortunately you can’t swim in this bit as has massive rips ,drop offs and is dangerous. However there is a little pool area I am told very close you can have a dip in. The weather has remained overcast, windy and sporadic showers so swim isn’t so inviting today although not cold at all. I am still in shorts and thongs😁.

Due to the weather my 4 hr boat tour which was my way of dealing with the severe reduction of the ferry service to Home and Direction Island (for ferry maintenance and was aware in advance hence the tour booking) was cancelled. The man who runs it is Peter who lives next door and owns the Birdsnest. He is a lovely man and says he will see once the weather improves if he can fit me in somewhere around my other tours.

Given my sudden free morning I decided to walk down to the visitors and community resource centre to see what i could do around my other tours that would at least get me to Home Island. The big fly in the ointment is the limited ferry service and fact that only takes 15 people each time and it is a 30min trip. It is first in best dressed so not exactly reliable. However after talking with the lady at the visitors who lives on Home Island and works here on West Island and hence reliant on the ferry for work we hatched a plan that is as risk proof as we can. I have booked a self drive buggy on Home island which will meet me off the ferry. I am getting the 0830 ferry tomorrow and will get there at 8 if not earlier to be at the head of the cue which should increase my chances! If I miss that ferry the whole plan collapses.

I have also booked a tour of the Clunies Ross house and hopefully will get back on the 4pm ferry🤞.

Having done that I set up my wifi hotspot for use outside of my unit(whose wifi I am still not able to connect too!). I am hoping at some stage to use the hotspot connection at the resource centre to try getting the blog out.

Found the shop and where my other 2 tours leave from and none more than 5 mins walk from Birdsnest incl the Cocos club,Saltys, other eateries, visitors and resources centre etc. The beaches best to swim at and the ferry are about 4-6km away hence the car advantage. There is a bus that runs to the ferry which cost 50c for bus and $2.50 ferry one way and cash small denomination only as limited change😁.

My car is a story in itself. I will post a photo but it is a huge red Nissan 4 x4 and a proper one if a bit worse for wear. I need a ladder to get into it and feel ridiculous driving it😂. It also has one idiosyncrasy. It has an immobiliser that if you don’t press a button on the key ring you can’t start the engine.. why it has this given everybody is told to leave the keys in the car as no crime so safe🤷‍♀️. Anyway my immobiliser button is broken and awaiting a replacement. So I was left instructions to touch the 2 wires together to turn it off So I could start the car😬. As it was pitch black, raining and I didn’t have my reading glasses on I couldn’t read that but must have accidentally touched them while I was trying to figure out how to start it and off we went. Didn’t find out the whole deal until this morning🤣. Nearly got caught out locking myself out of the car this morning when I must have done something to this finely tuned set wires and couldn’t open the door. Fortunately I had left the driver window down and managed to reach in and jiggle the thing to get the door open..I am going to have to get much better at managing that idiosyncratic system as paranoid now I will lock myself out again. Am seriously considering breaking the rules and taking the keys with me but equally paranoid I will lose them or further damage the system! Rental cars are all booked up so I was just the lucky punter😏.

Found out that they are building something for the RAAF here which I assume is something attached to the airport but no idea. Do know that as a result there are workers,many with their families living here for 18mths to 2yrs which puts pressure on accommodation.

Despite my best efforts till no WIFI working in accommodation so will have to catch Peter to ask why.

Did a drive around after lunch to all the beaches and tourist areas that are out of walking distance incl a dummy run to where the ferry leaves tomorrow. I am paranoid about not getting on and as the visitors centre is telling everyone get there at 8 for the 8.30 ferry t be sure am going to try to get there at 0730. So much is hanging on getting on this ferry so am going to everything to maximise my chances😁.

I took a few photos but hard to capture. It looks like Hawaii as in films with narrow roads weaving through coconut palms and tropical trees with about 50mtres of cleared ground between the road and the palms. Looks like the road is going through a lawn area with garden behind. Very impressive. There is a coconut farm here. They do a tour but only one day a week and I missed it! Many of the beaches are signed not to swim due to severe rips and very strong currents. There is a couple of beautiful beaches where you can swim and I plan to try to get some swimming in on the weekend when I hope the wind will die down and weather improves. However despite the weather have managed well seeing stuff so happy. However big day and early start to so having dinner in my unit. I really never feel much like eating out after a big day as a tourist anyway but making an exception Friday as is fish and chips night at Saltys 😁.

Photos: my enormous car is seen in the view from my unit verandah, view from car back to the unit, and the road to the ferry and that is typical of all the roads,so pretty!