#and i'm not even allowed to be frustrated or upset or sad or angry because then someone else is upset and that matters more than me

[yuribalisms]

promise this is my last time bitching about all of this ignore it but

[psychostxr]

𝐣𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐚𝐧 𝐥𝐢 | emotions

PAIRING. jordan li x gn! reader

WORD COUNT. 0.7k

WARNINGS. cursing, mentions of death, marie bashing (i'm sorry)

NOTES. i have also hopped on the jordan li train, and my god, i've never had a character chokehold me so tightly

Since Marie Moreau joined Godolkin University, everything has gone downhill. After the death of your friend Luke and the murder of your favorite professor, your life has gone through a ball of shit. You didn't want to blame Marie. The poor girl got caught up in Luke's drama — drama you didn't even know existed — she's just as traumatized as you are.

That's what you would've said before news spread around school that Marie and Andre were the ones that stopped Luke, not Jordan. Your partner who actually fought Luke while Marie ran at the first sign of danger. The thought of Marie frustrates you to no end, but you have other things to worry about, such as Jordan locking themself in their room since classes ended.

For as long as you've known Jordan, they've always been competitive. They climbed up the school's student ranks at Godolkin, beating almost anyone and everyone who tried to get in their way. They were one stop away from being first-ranked. But because of Marie and Andre's 'courageous act' of stopping Luke, they've been pushed up the ladder, while Jordan has to settle for fifth. It hurts to see Jordan so angry at the world and themself.

You knock gently on Jordan's door, hearing the muffled sounds of what you presume to be Marie's interview with Hailey Miller. The room goes quiet, and you wait a few moments for Jordan to open the door. But they don't.

"I know you're in there, Jordan." You turn the doorknob, rattling the door in your unsuccessful attempt to get in. You sigh and lean your head against the door. "Please open up, baby. I'm worried about you."

There's a moment of silence until the door cracks open. You take a step back, seeing Jordan's somber expression.

"Hey," you say, smiling softly. "Can I come in?"

Jordan hesitantly returns your smile. "Sure."

They open the door wider, allowing you to enter their dimly lit room. Their room is nothing from the usual, with clothes strewn over their couch and textbooks scattered on their desk. You pull your bag off your back, setting it down on Jordan's bed to retrieve your laptop and the takeout you bought from Vought A Burger.

"I was thinking we could maybe watch Property Brothers and have dinner together?" you suggest. "Or any other show if you want?"

Jordan shakes their head, their lips quirking upwards. "That sounds really nice, actually."

You pass Jordan the takeout, unsure if they've eaten anything since having lunch with you earlier today. You quickly set up the laptop on the coffee table before sitting on Jordan's bed.

Leaning against the headboard, you open your arms wide. "Come here."

Jordan doesn't hesitate, settling themselves in your waiting embrace. Their arms wrap around your torso, pulling them closer until their head finds a comfortable spot nestled against your stomach.

Feeling the weight of Jordan's emotions, you hold your partner close, your arms enveloping Jordan's shoulders. You softly kiss the crown of Jordan's head, your lips brushing against their ink-black hair.

"I'm sorry you're having a shitty day," you whisper, threading your fingers through their silky strands. "It's not fair."

"It's not your fault," Jordan says, sighing. "Shit happens."

"This school is shit," you explain, your anger spiking. "You've worked your fucking ass off to become second-ranked at Godolkin, but because of Marie and our asshole of a principal, you've lost your spot."

Jordan lifts their head to look at you. "It sounds like you're more upset than me."

"I'm sorry, it's just..." You shake your head before staring lovingly at Jordan. "I love you so much, Jordan. So much that I feel everything you feel. When you feel angry, I feel angry. When you're sad, I'm sad. So when you go through these obstacles in life, you aren't alone. I will always be there for you, baby."

Jordan crumbles at your words, and a small smile plays on their lips. They lift themself and lean towards you. Their lips press against yours gently before pulling away, leaving you no time to savour the kiss.

"I'm lucky to have you," they admit.

As you grin, you pull Jordan closer into another kiss. But this time, you can feel the intense emotions radiating off them, and you soak in the passion and love from Jordan's kiss. The rest of the night is spent in each other's arms, binge-watching Property Brothers and devouring greasy takeout.

© psychostxr — all rights reserved. please do not repost, copy, translate, or claim any of my works as your own.

[safetycar-restart]

haven’t felt well today and your little!driver thoughts have been so fluffy and comforting. that being said, do you have any thoughts on what they littles are like when they’re sick?

i feel like charles would be super clingy and whiny, not wanting you to get very far from him. i also feel like he’d be fussy about medicine so you have to get him the flavored kind and make sure he has juice to wash it down.

lando would be fussy and difficult in general. he doesn’t feel well and he’s determined to make it everyone’s problem.

i think little!logan would just be sad. he wants yo spend time with you and play and have fun. not lay in bed all day and feel yucky. but you try your best to make it fun, playing his favorite movies and giving him any snacks he wants without worrying about his meal plan

feel free to add any other thoughts you have about the other drivers❤️

Aw I love this, both fluffy and comforting. I've really been vibing with the little drivers and with the hybrid!au recently, so this is great. I'm gonna discuss each of these drivers and also I'm gonna do little!max and little!Arthur as well cause I think we sleep on them quite a lot. And feel free to add your own thoughts or ask me to expand on anything here, cause I'm just discussing each one a little bit :))

LITTLE!CHARLES:

Charles is definitely a fussy little one when he's sick, and the fact that he's being fussy actually makes him even more worked up? The medicine tastes so yucky and he feels so bad and obviously he can't help the way he's all grumpy and unhappy, but he also knows he's being difficult and therefore knows he's making your life difficult, which just breaks his little heart because he would never ever in a million years want to make trouble for you.

He's supposed to be your good little boy! And now he's making you angry, even as you try to hide your frustrations, he can tell and that makes him even more upset.

So not only is Charles grumpy and sick, but he's also so upset with himself. Just overall a very sad little who needs lots of kisses and cuddles and reassurance. You have to constantly remind him that you're his caregiver, and that it's your job to help him get better and that he's allowed to be difficult when he's feeling sick and uncomfy.

LITTLE!LANDO:

Lando is a very particular, fussy little even at the best of times so when he's sick? Oh god he's impossible.

Especially because he always pretends like he isnt sick? He'll refuse to admit his symptoms, even when you know he's sick because before Lando regressed he literally told you. But then he regresses and suddenly little!Lando refuses to admit it, insisting his doesn't need to take the medicine because he's fine.

He's very clearly not fine and sometimes you have to just force him to take it. He'll cry and whine and pout but he will listen to you. He'll be upset with you for a little bit afterwards, refusing your cuddles or attention but inevitably he'll come crawling back into your arms for comfort.

LITTLE!LOGAN:

Aw poor thing!! He definitely hates how he can't do anything fun with you. I think that Logan rarely ever regresses? Not because he doesn't want to, but because he only feels safe regressing at home with you and because of how rarely he actually gets to spend a few days alone at home with you, he rarely can regress.

So it's always so special for him when he can regress. He tends to regress a little older than the others, usually between the ages of 6 and 8, and he's able to understand how he's wasting what little time he has with you? He just wants to play with you! He wants to spend time with you and have fun and now he's sick and he can't and he's so sad.

You try to make it fun anyway, letting him choose his favourite movies and reading him his favourite stories and promising him that any time with him is fun, even if he's sick.

LITTLE!MAX:

We know that max is a very well behaved little, to the point where you actually have to try and encourage him to be a little naughty because he'll freak out if thinks he's been bad. For max, little space is a way to heal from his fractured childhood and learn he deserves love and care.

All of this is to say that little!max tries to hide he's sick, but unlike Lando it's not to avoid medicine. For maxy, it's because his dad used to get so angry when he get sick because it meant he couldnt train and race.

So when poor little maxy wakes up feeling sick and regressed? He gets to scared, because he doesn't want to make you angry. So he acts like he's fine, maybe even tries to take some medicine? But he doesn't know what to take and he doesn't want to accidentally take something he shouldn't and he's just so sad and scared.

LITTLE!ARTHUR:

One would assume that with how young Arthur regresses, he would be a nightmare when he's sick, but that couldnt be further from the truth. Or at least, when he's with you.

Because even though he feels so yucky, he also knows you're his caregiver and you always have his best interest at heart. All Arthur knows when he's regressed is that he loves you and that you look after him. It's why he gets so upset when someone else is caring for him because they arent the one he knows to trust.

Anyway, so when little!Arthur is sick he certainly needs some extra attention, but he's actually very well behaved. Even though he doesn't like the medicine, he takes it because he trusts you and he knows he'll get extra cuddles and forehead kisses.

[saltpepperbeard]

It's the entitlement that really frustrates me. David didn't create this show to fix all problems with representation, he didn't even know what queerbaiting was, bless his heart.

People keep saying "we were promised xyz, we were baited, he betrayed us" ( I wish I was joking about the last once.

He literally promised none of that. And he ows us nothing. Whether people want want to admit it or not, OFMD is his story. This happens a lot nowadays, someone makes something, the response is "well its not what I want ,therefore it's trash".

I dunno, I'm just angry at this point

HONESTLY. And I feel like that's becoming such a large issue that spans across numerous forms of media too. Like, from tv shows to youtube to fanfiction, the audience thinks they're "owed" something. "Owed" something simply for being there and consuming the thing. And it's like??? No??? You are just there on your own volition to consume the thing that's being provided to you???

*hands you a cupcake* "i don't like this cupcake >:(" THEN DON'T EAT IT???

And yeah, as you said, this is very much David's story. This has always been his story. He was passionate to tell it even before it got such a large following. He was surprised it got such a large following!

It seems like he's had a lot of things in mind since the very beginning, and a rather clear direction in which he's wanted to steer the story. And, based on his recent interviews and also very interesting meta pieces I've seen, the whole [redacted] was probably a long time coming too.

That's just the thing. I also feel like everyone just gets so caught up in their own interpretations and their own headcanons and their own versions of the story that it leads to almost inevitable disappointment and/or upset. Hell, even I'm a bit guilty of that; I looked too hard into that one article that described Stede's beach reunion dream, and thought we were going to get a makeout in the waves. And then when we didn't, I was like "oh lol 😀." Same with the little brief snippet of Stede pushing Ed against the wall that we got before episodes 6 and 7 dropped; I went in with preconceived notions which didn't end up getting met.

BUT LIKE, THE THING IS, THAT WAS ENTIRELY ON ME LMAO??? NOT THE FAULT OF ANYONE INVOLVED IN THE SHOW???? And it seems like people are disregarding that very fact! Like, oh I'm upset with how this went, so it's YOUR fault. I'm not responsible for how I'm reacting to this; it's YOU. YOU were supposed to bend exactly to MY wants.

And that's just,,,not! the case!

I'm over here piloting my safe spaceship, but what I've been seeing in my peripherals is making me sad too. Like, just the blatant disregard for everything else this show has given us, and the vitriol being slung towards the cast and crew, and all the negativity around what was supposed to be a hopeful sendoff...

People can be upset. People are absolutely allowed to be disappointed, or sad, or even angry. People can definitely dislike a narrative or character choice. Hell, I'd definitely feel some kind of way if Ed or Stede died, and I've gotten angry over narrative directions in other fandoms before. But just...the lines that have been crossed are just so so disheartening to see. You can be angry without being ugly about it, without pulling so many people down with you.

If people are that upset, I really encourage them to just step back, take a breath, and focus on other outlets. Because the entitlement and accusatory bits are certainly not it.

[hopefulromances]

Hello! If you find time could you please do #25 from the prompts list! I feel like that is something that would be said in an argument with Jamie for sure.

OOoo that's so fun! Thank you for the ask!

25. “I can’t smile at you, I’m mad.”

"All I'm saying, Jamie, is that you can't just shut me out when you're upset!"

You hate fighting with Jamie. You hate going to bed angry at him when all you really want to do is wrap him up in your arms and fall asleep knowing he was going to be yours in the morning. But right now, you had to have it out.

"You're not my therapist, (Y/N)," Jamie retorted, crossing his arms. "I don't have to tell you every feeling that goes through me head."

You let out a frustrated sigh and rubbed your temples. "That's literally not at all what I'm saying."

"Well, then, what are you saying?" Jamie shot back.

"I'm saying you have to give me something!" You cried, throwing your hands up. "Not just go radio silent, make me thing we're breaking up because you're upset!" Jamie scoffed, walking towards the door. "Where are you going? You can't leave!"

"I was just going to step outside to get some air! Is that allowed? Or do I need to run that by you first," he grumbled, annoyance lacing his tone.

You frowned, shaking your head before sitting down at the table. You could tell he felt bad for saying that. His chest delated a bit as the argument left his body.

He came over and sat next to you, the two of you sitting in silence for a second. Then the toaster dinged letting you know that your treats were done.

"The poptarts!" You shot up and raced over to the toaster.

You had almost forgotten how the argument even started. You had made Jamie a nice dinner. He'd been having a stressful week, the upcoming games that could make or break Richmond's fate in the league. Not that he would tell you he was stressed, but you could just tell.

The dinner conversation somehow turned to scheduling your next date night to which Jamie gave you a cagey response about not wanting to commit to anything right now. To that you replied that he would commit to anything except you and now here you were. The poptarts were almost black when you pulled them out of the toaster.

"Aw, man." You pouted, looking at the crisps.

From the table you heard Jamie let out a small snicker. You whipped your head over to him, seeing him try to keep his composure and not laugh.

"This isn't funny!" you insisted, taking the poptarts over to the trashcan.

"You're right it's not!" Jamie tried to get out but his voice was cracking with laughter.

"Then stop smiling!" You cried, crossing your arms.

"I can't smile at you, I'm mad!" Jamie insisted, covering his mouth "But, love, you just look so disappointed."

You look over at the carnage of burnt pastry as Jamie came over to meet you. It wasn't about the poptarts. It was about the fact that Jamie didn't trust you to tell you what was wrong. You felt big wet tears start to spring in your eyes. When Jamie saw your emotions, he quickly stoof to come over to you.

"(Y/N)..." He murmured, putting his hands on your shoulders. "Talk to meh, please?"

You looked anywhere but him, swallowing the lump that had formed in your throat. "I just... I want to be there for you. When you're not doing great. We're supposed to be a team."

You sounded like a sad little girl, the way your voice went up in pitch as you tried to hold back the tears.

"I know," Jamie said, quietly. "You're right." He let go of your arms and let out a big sigh. "I'm just afriad that you'll think I'm being stupid or somethin'"

"Oh, Jamie, I would never."

"I know... well part of me knows that..." he admitted. "But the other part of me is meaner sometimes."

Now it was your turn to let out a laugh at his child-like language. You brought your hands up to take his hands. He'd been picking at his thumbs like he did when he was nervous.

"Just start by... telling me how your day was when you get home? Is that okay?" You offered, rubbing your thumbs over the palms of his hands.

"Yeah, I can do that," Jamie agreed, finally reaching down to place a kiss to your lips.

You hated fighting with Jamie. But sometimes, the fights ended up with you closer than you ever were before.

[v3nusxsky]

Hey!! I know you said earlier that you are swamped with lesso requests, so really please dont feel like you have to write this. I just had this idea for an agere fic, so yknow how in the school for good and evil movie, when rafal is trying to destroy the schools, and he turns the staff (including lesso and dovey) into dolls?? What if reader is their girlfriend, and she didnt get turned into a doll because dovesso hid her in a room away from rafal so she doesnt get hurt. And reader notices that her mommas havent come back for quite some time, so she goes to search for them. She finds them as dolls, and at first she thinks its funny and she plays with them, but then she starts to miss the real human them and gets really upset. Once rafal is defeated, they turn back into their regular human forms (and remember everything that happened while they were dolls) and they comfort reader to make her feel better, super fluffy ending?? LOVE your writing, i hope youre having a great day. <333

Dolly heart

*Authors note~ I'm sorry it's taking ages for this to be posited but Agere will always have my heart, slowly smashing out these requests and getting ahead of myself which means you'll have fics prepared for when I move :)*

Trigger warnings~ little r Leonora mumma and Clarissa mommy Rafal being a horrid human sad little r

Prompt~ see ask^^^^

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

Your girlfriends would always protect you and put your safety and health above their own. It took loving you for them to finally accept the love they'd been denying all the years for one another. And then they realised you regressed, allowing them to function as your caregivers which only strengthened their feelings for you and each other. When you regressed they took you to your old chambers in the school for good, where you had everything your little mind could ever think of.

This particular day, you happened to be snuggled up in the bed with your mommas happily suckling on your fingers as you dozed in and out of consciousness. That's when they heard it, the bang. What on earth would the Nevers and Evers doing now that would be so loud? But then came the terrified screams. Both woman made sure you would be happy and have all your needs met when you awaken before carefully leaving you to rest, they had every hope to be back before you even realised they had gone. But Rafal had other plans for the women.

Waking up cold was something you hated in either mindset, normally you'd have the warmth of at least one of your girls but not today. Your little mind struggled to understand where they'd gone. You spotted your favourite sippy cup and your favourite biscuit shaped like little animals at the bedside, all ready for you to pick at. But soon after you began to notice their absence again, you truly didn't know what to do or where they were which caused you to cry.

Twenty minutes of crying had you trying to escape the bed and flee the room, angry whines of frustration when you couldn't open the door. But after a few minutes of tugging and crying you managed to get it open just enough for you to slip through the gap. There you managed to stumble your way through the halls until you entered the great hall. Colourful and pretty much the dream wonderland for your mindset, but the best part was it came with dolly's.

Both mommas knew just how much you loved dolly's so of course they'd surprise you with dolls in certain places that you'd happen to find. This time it appears you'd been extra good because of the number of dolly's. If you were less excited and in more of a mature mindset you would've noticed the likeness to the people you call friends and your lovers. But you weren't, so with an excited squeal you threw yourself to the ground and scooped up the two dolls that looked like your mommas. "Momma" you whimpered stroking the dolls curly hair, "mommy!" You squeaked happily twirling the doll so her dress moves.

For a while you acted out all the little things your mind came up with, from momma and mommy being with you to adding in your friends miniature versions, going through daily things as you babbled to yourself happily. Looking at the Lesso doll had tears sprinting into your eyes, "mamamama" you babbled as the sadness overwhelmed you. "Want mamama mommmy" you whimpered putting the dolls down gently before curling into yourself in an attempt to self soothe.

You cried yourself to sleep on the cold hard floor, which is how you missed you dolls turning into the usual selves. Leonora was first to run to you, Doveys good instincts wanting her to check on everyone first, she know lesso would make sure your okay. "Dove? Wake up my little devil. Wake up for momma" she murmured while trailing her finger through your hair in a soothing manner. "Momma" you blinked sleepily coming to rub the sleep out of your tired eyes, "miss yous where gones?" That moment you caught sight of your mommy you could've sobbed for joy.

"Hi baby" Clarissa murmured coming to scoop you up in her arms, "I missed you sweet girl, and thank you for being so kind to those dolly's angel, we are very proud of you little love." At the mention of the dolls you began to search the room, not finding any dolls which caused you to cry. "What's wrong my darling?"Clarissa murmured now coming to rub your back in a soothing manner. "Mana dolly gones!" You sobbed hiccuping as the sobs wracked your body. "You want a mama dolly baby?" You nodded watching as Leonora magically produced two dolls, exact replicas of what you were playing with before. "Let's go lay down my love, I'm sure you wanna show momma and mommy dolly to all your other stuffies don't you?"

Word count~ 1019

[tqmies]

Congrats on 1K! Can I have 41 and 53, roommate haechan? Thank you so much

Go Away | Lee Haechan

Part of Tqmies 1K Event!

Room mate au! 41. “I… I think I’m happy.” “You think? So you’re not one hundred percent certain?” 53. "Hey, you haven't come out of your room in like two days...I'm not worried or anything but the dishes are piling up and I need you to be alive so you can take care of them, so...", wc: 1.1k note: thank you so much <3 hope you enjoy it, domestic room mate hyuck?? i cry

6 days, it had been that long since you had broken up with your boyfriend of over two years. And of course, the first few days were okay, which was different from what you expected. You truly thought you'd be downing tubs of ice cream in front of the TV watching sad romance flicks. Like they do in all the cliche movies.

However, your little breakdown didn't come until a few days later. Everything needed time to settle in, and once it did? Oh boy.

Your friends had managed to keep you occupied for the first few days, but you weren't exactly a joy to be around. Not even as they dragged you to the club to remind you how great being single could be. You just couldn't find it in you to enjoy your time out.

Either way, you had returned home to Lee Haechan, your menace of a roommate. And in fact, your current state could all directly be pointed back to him.

It had been a normal Thursday, you returning home to him on the couch, playing one of his stupid games on your shared console.

You were sniffling a bit, frustrated at another cancelled date with your boyfriend. He had been getting far too busy to spend time with the likes of you, and you could feel him slipping away.

You tried not to think about it too much, choosing to hold your sanity. That was until Haechan took note of your form, and asked why you looked like your dog died, whatever that meant.

"He cancelled again, that asshole! I mean, I get that he's busy and all, but so am I! He could've let me know he had a meeting today, is my time not worth as much as his?" You let out, dropping your bag with a loud thud on the floor. "He never communicates with me! Is it that hard to send a text saying you're not going to make it? It must be, because I was waiting there for an hour and a half before he let me know!"

And you storm off to the kitchen, Haechan following diligently behind you. "Maybe he just got really caught up in work." He says meekly, a little afraid of your wrath at the moment, but also feeling bad for you.

You force open the fridge, ignoring Haechans small words. You look around it for a few seconds, brows furrowing as you whip your head back to him. "Where's all the damn alcohol!"

"What?" He says, taken aback as you move to check the bottom cabinets. You move things around, huffing when you can't find a single bottle.

"I know you're here somewhere!" You speak, apparently talking to the alcohol. You even allow yourself a tear to fall, though all you can feel is anger at the moment. Yeah, you've lost it.

"Wait, okay. Instead of drinking, why don't we just talk about it?" He suggests, attempting to divert your attention.

You're not having it though. "Talk? Did he take time to talk to me? No! So I don't think-"

"Woah, woah, slow down." Haechan interrupts. "It sounds like you're angry about more than just today, you seem really upset."

"Well it wasn't just today, he's been doing this so much. We haven't been on a proper date in months." You speak, crossing your arms. Scoffing, you place your hands on the counter. "But God forbid I miss a single phone call of his, and then he's all sulky the rest of the day, and they say I'm the dramatic one!"

"Well maybe it's time to call it quits then."

You blink, staring back at Haechan. "What?"

The thought had truly never crossed your mind, sure you were upset. But enough to break up with your boyfriend? Were things really that bad?

"It doesn't seem like you're benefiting from this relationship, that's all I'm saying." He speaks again, shrugging.

"Relationships aren't about benefiting!" You groan, throwing your hands up.

"I get that, but you don't even seem happy." He retorts, and he meant it. Every time you opened your mouth related to your boyfriend, it was a complaint or angry statement.

And you hated that he was a bit right. "I... I think I'm happy."

"You think? So you're not one hundred percent certain?" He asks, and you hate how hard you're thinking about it.

You were so unhappy.

That revelation led you to where you were at the moment. Bundled up in blankets as you mourned a relationship that you had ended.

And part of you stupidly blames Haechan, but you can barely justify why. All he did was open your eyes to how bad your relationship was.

Though you're still a bit annoyed that he planned the break up seed in your head, and that you had allowed it to bloom into a real course of action. It was definitely for the best, but it still hurt like hell.

So after refusing another forced day out, you were currently wallowing in self pity, watching the latest episode of your comfort show.

Truth be told, you hadn't lifted a finger all day, choosing to remain in bed. And you did that the next day as well, willing yourself to eat small meals Haechan left outside your door.

He didn't want to bother you too much, figuring you were taking this a bit harder than he thought. You seemed fine the other day, but he assumed the reality hit you.

But against all his restraint, he finally willed himself to knock on your door. He calls your name, to which he receives no answer. You're not in the mood for company, can't he just let you rot in your room?

The answer was no. "Hey, you haven't come out of your room in like two days...I'm not worried or anything but the dishes are piling up and I need you to be alive so you can take care of them, so..."

You admit, you giggle a little at his mention of your usual chore. But you barely will yourself to shout a little. "Do them yourself."

"I don't think so!" He complains, leaning against your closed door. "Last time I did them you said to never let me again."

You laugh, for the first time in a few days. "That's because you spent the entire time playing with bubbles instead of washing anything."

"Bubbles are cool, you're weird for not playing with them!" He responds, smiling at the little chuckle that leaves your lips.

"Go away." You speak, half-heartedly. "Let me decay in peace."

"No," He says, rolling his eyes. "Can I come in?"

"I haven't bathed in two days."

"That can be arranged, I'll help you wash your hair after." He offers, and you're thankful for it.

"Okay," You speak, wiping the stray tears residing on your face. You will yourself to get out of bed, standing by your door. You can see the shadow of his feet under it, and you grin. "Thank you Haechan."

"Anytime." He says, and you feel your heart flutter a bit at that.

He'd always be here for you, and he'd make sure you knew that.

[craetor]

Here comes moot~! Thank you for your interest @13eyond13♥️ (tumblr for some reason won't allow editing on even ask drafts so this is what we're doing now)

4 + 1 for Light, Mello, L & Near it is!

(Taking "sad" literal here because the way they deal with stress is sad on its own.)

Near

Near is a quiet angry type. He does his best to not make a fuss and ignore his feelings when he feels hurt, in fear of making either bullying or the general energy in his environment worse if he lets it show. When he's been in a fight he tends to avoid talking it out with the goal of avoiding another frustrating conformation. When he argues he keeps it cool and on topic, thoughtful, trying his best to keep the quarrel pointed and structured to reach a consummate conclusion.

Near's mood is often low. He marinates in his sorrow until he can't take it anymore and then marinates some more. 25 year old Near is lonely with a hard shell built around him. And he's sad. But he doesn't do much about it except trying to distract himself with toys and work. Perhaps he thinks he's not worth the effort to begin with, perhaps is used to it.

Light

Light has evidently learned to keep in his anger until he's alone. I feel like he'd have a squishy or string to spool around his fingers in his pockets to wid down in public situations, since appearances matter to him so much. He's not the type to purposefully neglect his needs if it will affect his image.

When Light is upset, however, he often doesn't realize until it becomes too much. He probably likes a good cry upstairs in his room when the TV is on downstairs. Some part of me also feels like he couldn't help but pity himself in those times, resulting in a head-in-pillow or wrist over eyes dramatic scene.

Mello

Mello is calm and, despite a few fits of explosive rage when he sees himself deeply humiliated, knows how to stay grounded and not loose his wits. I believe he's quite proud of this as well, that is if he even takes notice of it at all, or if it is purely a subconscious restraint he's learned to strap himself into as a part of maturing.

In opposition to Light, for whom sadness is merely a blurry background occurrence, allowed to slowly build up from neglect, Mello's bothers are actively shoved in an overstocked closet with a gritted-teethed 'not now'. He has not learned that not taking care of melancholy on his own terms will result in it bursting free at inopportune times. It's an ever-present battle for him. He's got so much baggage..

L

L's 'anger' materializes frequently over his sharp tongue. This is more impatience that is easily cured by complaining or taking matters into his own hands. A truly despairing L will start ranting aloud or clench his teeth/put a tight grip on something (less a HC than blatant anaysis). He's never cleared a table but has definitely thought of it.

When L is sad he wallows in things that make him glad. Much like Near he uses work to distract his mind or make him feel like he's affluencial & productive. Of course he uses food, too and enjoys looking out of windows, scenery- or people watching. Sometimes even going to a quiet spot outdoors (a park, rooftop, balcony, a parking lot outside the hotel). Watari is his shoulder to cry on at his own offer. He knows well of L's burden and it's the least he can do to support him in his endeavors.

Thanks for reading, I'm happy to take more of these!

[amyintherapy]

Invalidating your own trauma

A "nugget" from a recent therapy session that I keep coming back to...

My therapist said that a good way to look at your own trauma is through the lens of someone who didn't experience it that way. Because our childhood trauma is normal to us, as it's often all we knew as kids as we're often in cultural bubbles. So our friends, cousins, etc often have similar childhoods to our own, so it can feel like that's what almost the whole world is like. But it's not, of course. They said that when someone had a mom that drank everyday, they often will feel like 'everyones' mom drank too often/too much. And they can point to things like how you can walk into retail stores and find baby onesies that say "I'm the reason mommy needs wine." to show that it is "normal" to drink all the time. So they might feel like having a mother with a drinking problem is something they shouldn't have trauma over. But to me, someone who had a mom who almost never drank, and who I have literally never seen drunk even once - it's SO understandable to me that having your mom rely on drinking as a coping method, or worse - be an outright drunk, could be scary and damaging. They are going to lack emotional presence, you may not feel like they are 'in control' in the ways they should be, you might be afraid of them, you might feel like you have to step up to take care of things when they're drinking. You are likely to think its normal/healthy to use alcohol do deal with big feelings rather than learning healthier methods. Of course that's traumatic! And for me..."normal" is having a parent who doesn't ever connect with you on a deep emotional level, who regularly is frustrated with you for needing anything from them, it's feeling emotionally alone your whole childhood, not going to anyone as a child when bad things happened to you because you knew the support wasn't there. It's being desperate to be 'good' and a severe people pleaser yet still routinely getting yelled at and otherwise punished for making age-appropriate, human mistakes despite trying your best. It's having to shut down your feelings regularly as you weren't allowed to be angry, hurt or sad in most cases but especially cases that involved your parents' behavior, and being ignored or rejected on the few instances where you were so desperate as to ask for help. It's walking on eggshells to try to avoid angering the adults in your lives because if they got upset, you couldn't feel safe. I have no idea how common it is. But there are people who grew up with parents who they could go to when they had a problem with a friend at school. Or when they were scared of the dark. Or when they were sexually abused. Or when they started their period for the first time. There are children who grow up being taught how to feel their feelings not shut them down or avoid them. Who don't think twice about taking up space, because they've never had routine experiences that taught them that they needed to be 'small' to be safe. And those people would see my idea of 'normal' childhood and go gosh, of course that is damaging! Maybe even 'I can't imagine having been a child and not feeling like I could turn to my parents when I was scared/hurt/upset! That's wild!" rather than be like me and think 'that's just how it is, I shouldn't be hurt by this.'

[dhaaruni]

In retrospect, something that struck me about Barbie is that there was a notable lack of anger within it. There was despair, sadness, frustration, and women are seemingly encouraged to channel those sentiments, but I felt as if true anger was kind of relegated to a second tier, as if it’s not suitably feminine or at least some kind of pathological embarrassment. Even when Barbie herself was finding her humanity, I honestly don’t recall her being enduringly angry, not when men were harassing her or when Sasha called her a fascist or the men at Mattel attempted to force her back into her box. Instead, she seemed sad and upset and confused, which I empathize with and relate to, but as someone whose underlying emotion at all time is a simmering rage, I wish we could have seen her get mad. However, I don’t think that Barbie is that kind of movie because well, it’s a Gerwig movie, and Greta Gerwig, like all women, struggles a lot with femininity and its relationship to anger. I mean, even in Little Women (2019), when Jo March starts a sweeping monologue with with, “Women, they have minds, and they have souls, as well as just hearts,” she ends it with, “But I’m so lonely.” And that’s my point. Jo isn’t allowed to be furious at the world without being vulnerable in the same breath, and in that vein, Barbie herself isn’t allowed to be strong without also simultaneously being weak. Maybe that’s realistic but I wish it didn’t have to be because after all, how many male heroes are portrayed as vulnerable and fallible in this sense even while they’re also unequivocally the protagonists of their narratives? Sometimes I just wish women were allowed to be powerful without being dragged down by their own emotions, which I say as someone who’s deeply, profoundly emotional, but I guess that’s a different point for another essay.

I'm A Ten, So I Pull In A Ken: I Saw Barbie And I Have Takes

[mayalaen]

I got over having that sadness for no reason a couple weeks ago and was doing better for a bit, but then a couple days ago got knocked over by it again.

And just in time for family to start REALLY pushing a lot of buttons since yesterday morning.

Pushing them hard enough that I'm too pissed and upset about it to even write it out and post it. I know a few followers are entertained by family shit and the way I present it but it ain't coming out nicely 😂

It's nothing that horrible. It's just coming on top of other things, and I've had two days of NOTHING going right at all.

It's very frustrating.

It feels like every single thing I try to accomplish gets screwed up so badly that it takes no less than three times as long as it should to take care of it and every one of them also creates new problems in the meantime 😭

Not sleeping as well because of it, so that doesn't help. I usually run on around 5 hours a night, but lately it's 2 hours at night and an hour nap when I conk out sometime during the day.

But the family and businesses are up during the day, so when I'm trying to nap, they're calling and texting with situations they've created and want me to fix.

It doesn't help that I'm still doing the counseling thing and more shit is hitting me hard recently.

So I'm overtired, grouchy, and still realizing just how many anger issues I have when I thought I wasn't an angry person (when you're not allowed to show anger as a kid/teen it doesn't mean it goes away, you idiot).

People I know being shitty around me or to me IRL and online is just really testing that "never loses it on anybody" thing I've got going.

I need a babysitter for my life so I can take a 2-day nap.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #52

previously - Journal Entry #51 (part two)

Yuri

Have you ever wished you didn't exist?

I'm not talking about wanting to take your own life or hoping that you'll just fall asleep one night and never wake up. I mean wishing that you actually didn't exist, that you'd never been conceived and born in the first place.

I wish for that.

I'm not sure if I'll post this recording to our journal. I may even delete it from my phone later. The only reason I'm doing this at all is because I'm feeling so frustrated and upset and... I don't know. Worthless. Horrible. Perhaps angry at myself because I can never live up to anyone's expectations for me, not even my own.

Despite the number of times I'm told that I'm enough just as I am, I can't make myself believe it. I notice how people pretend to like me when they don't, and how they're polite and deferential to me because they think I'm too fragile to handle their honest feelings about me. I'm aware of their disapproval and disdain.

In all fairness, though, I can't blame anyone for disliking me. I see the work I create for everyone around me and how much of a burden I am to them. I despise myself for that.

The sad irony is, as much as I don't want to be a burden, not being one seems impossible. I'll never not be chronically ill. There'll be periods when I'm reasonably well, but there'll also be times when I'm too sick to do anything for myself and someone will have to take care of me. That's a reality I can never escape from.

I can guess what some of you would probably say now if you heard this. But, you love all the attention you get, don't you?

I think it’s a natural human response to like receiving attention, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. The truth is, being bathed or fed or massaged feels good, and knowing I have people in my life who’ll do that and so many other personal care tasks for me gives me a certain sense of security. And yes, in the moment, I do enjoy it. The problem is, when the task is done and I’m alone with my thoughts, I start to feel guilty for allowing myself to forget, even for a second, that these things aren’t meant for my gratification. I remember I'm a selfish, awful person for enjoying something that comes at the cost of someone else's time and effort, particularly because I know full well that I can never pay them back.

The thing that bothers me most of all is that the people who do the majority of the caretaking are my mother and Victor. The people I love more than anything, who I want to see happy and who I want to protect are the very ones who suffer the most because of me.

My beautiful, brave, loyal Victor would do anything for me, and I'd move the mountain itself to repay him if I could, but my intention is not enough. I love him with my entire mind, body and soul, but my love is not enough. I don't deserve him, and I don't know why he stays with me, because nothing about me will ever be worthy of someone as good and gentle and selfless as him. Nothing can ever erase the imbalance in what we give each other, and that truth chips away at my heart more and more as time goes on.

Victor says he loves me, and he’s demonstrated it in so many ways that I’d have to be completely detached and indifferent not to believe him. He also says he doesn't mind all the work he has to do, but I'm not so certain about that one. How could it possibly be true that it doesn’t bother him? It's unfair, and I know it's hard on him, being tied down by me all the time. He gave up so much for me, and here I am with nothing of value to give in return.

Sometimes I think it would've been better if we'd never met at all. He could've had a good life without me, chased all his dreams and done everything he'd planned to do.

It's too late now. He's attached to me, and I've ruined his life, and there's no way for me to set him free to reclaim what's left of it without hurting him in the process. I offered that to him once before and it upset him so much that I swore I'd never mention it again, even if I think it'd be in his own best interest to get away from me.

Not that I ever want to be apart from him, you understand, but if I need to choose between his happiness and my own, I'll always want to choose his. It's why I'm willing to move halfway around the world, why I didn't say no when he told me he wanted to keep competing, and why I agreed to the idea of Fox coming here to help us. It's why I acquiesce to most things I'm not entirely comfortable with. Letting him have what he wants without objection is the only currency I can exchange for everything I've taken from him.

If he ever wanted to leave of his own accord, I'd let him have his way there, too. I wouldn't try to force him to stay. If it'd make him happy, I'd let him go even though it would shatter me into a million pieces, even though I'm sure I'd be in pain forever from the grief of such a loss.

Perhaps that would be my penitence. Maybe it's what I truly deserve.

I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't even be recording this. It's nothing but a confused, emotional rant, and if I do end up posting it, I fully expect that anyone who sees it will think even less of me than they already do. It's just that saying it aloud helps, even if I'm only talking to myself. At the very least, I won't lie to myself. Nearly everyone else would tell me whatever they thought I wanted to hear, which is why I've stopped talking to people about my troubles. What would be the point?

Victor says I need to see a professional, and maybe he's right. Maybe I could tell this stuff to a psychologist who isn't part of my life and who could be objective. I doubt there's anything they could realistically do to make me less of an inconvenience. They can't cure my illness or make me physically stronger, and they can't make anyone like or respect me, but I guess they'd be someone who'd listen.

Last night, after Fox left, Victor found me crying in the upstairs bathroom. I might as well admit that I threw up and that I was trying to hide that fact as well as my little breakdown from him. Have you ever tried to throw up quietly? If you discover the secret to doing that, please tell me what it is.

Because I know someone will inevitably ask, the reason I was trying to hide it is because Victor doesn't like seeing me cry. He says it makes him feel helpless. Besides, he's so tenderhearted that if I'm crying, he often ends up crying too, and I don't like seeing him cry either. I'm usually good at suppressing my emotional responses, so I really don't cry all that often, but for the past few weeks it seems I haven't been able to hold anything in. It's another sign of weakness, I suppose; yet another way I've failed him.

He knocked on the bathroom door and called for me several times. When I didn't answer, he simply opened the door and let himself in, exactly as I'd known he would.

I didn't look up at him, and just mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asked. "What's wrong?"

"Everything," I said, because it was the truth. Everything felt wrong, and I was sorry for all of it.

"Uh... you think you could be a little more specific?" Victor crossed the room in a few long strides and sat near me on the floor. "Did you get sick?"

"I think you know I did."

"Okay. But, is there something else?"

"I don't want Fox to come any more," I told him.

"Why? Did something happen?"

I shook my head. I really didn't feel like discussing it, and I didn't think I was in a fit condition to have a decent conversation about anything, much less about that. Besides, how was I supposed to explain to him how inadequate Fox makes me feel? How was I supposed to say that I don’t like how patronizing Fox is, and how I feel humiliated and powerless when he talks to me as if I’m a stubborn child or as if I’m intellectually delayed?

The part I hate the most about having Fox here is how he keeps trying to convince me that I'm not actually as ill as I say I am, like I'm exaggerating my condition for attention and that I'm capable of far more than I'll admit. He seems to be under the impression that all it takes is a little willpower to overcome pain, nausea, muscle weakness, extreme fatigue and all my other symptoms, not to mention anxiety. What he doesn't realize is that I have plenty of willpower, and if it were really that easy, I wouldn’t need somebody like him. I'd have been cured long ago.

He tries to make me do things that are much too difficult, if not impossible, and I can almost never do them without consequences to my mental and physical well-being. Although I push through each task as best I can to avoid a conflict that I know I wouldn't have the stamina to deal with, I almost always feel far worse afterwards. He says he's helping me, and he calls it progress. I call it cruel and unusual torment.

He's supposed to be taking care of me. He's getting paid to take care of me. I think that obligates him to stick to caretaking, and should not extend to pretending to be my friend or to practicing his dubious amateur occupational therapy on me.

But, I couldn't confess any of that, could I?

"No," I said at last. "Everything's fine. I just... I think I can look after myself now."

I couldn't, of course, and I have no idea why I said that. I just didn't know how much longer I could endure the situation as it stood, and I suppose it was a way to get Victor to make Fox leave without me resorting to complaining about him.

Victor pulled at his lower lip with his teeth and gave me a worried look. My husband may be many things, but stupid and imperceptive aren't among them. He saw through me straight away. "Yuri, you can barely make it from your bedroom to here without help. I don't know if you're strong enough to look after yourself yet."

But, for some unknown reason, I persisted. "I'm not going to get any stronger by letting other people wait on me, am I?"

"You know it doesn't work like that," he said. "It's not like physio, where you build up strength in your muscles by exercising them. You're not going to get better by wearing yourself out."

"I'm never really going to get better anyway," I said. "I might as well do what I can, when I can, right?"

"Yes, when you can," he said. "Maybe in a few more weeks, when you—"

"No!" I cut him off mid-sentence. All of a sudden, I felt anger rising up inside me like a wave. It was irrational and relentless, and I felt unable to control it. "I don't want him here. Tell him not to come back."

"No," Victor said. "I'm not going to do that."

I stared at him, admittedly a little shocked. Victor hardly ever says no to me. "But—"

"No," he repeated. "You might not want his help any more, but I think you still need it. And I still need a little help too, until I get this other cast off."

"Helping you is meant to be my job," I said. "It's what i should be doing."

"You have a valid reason not to be doing it."

"But, I should be doing it," I insisted.

"Maybe," he said. "But I know you can't right now, and that's okay."

"I hate this!" I brought the edge of my fist down on the cold bathroom tiles as hard as I could. A jolt of pain shot up my entire arm, and as much as I tried not to wince, I'm sure I must have. "I'm tired of our lives being this way, of me not being able to do anything for you and just being a useless waste of everyone else's energy. I'm so tired of all of it, Victor. I just want it to stop."

Victor was gazing at me with an expression that might have been equal parts sympathy and perplexity. Whatever it was, it seemed obvious he didn't know how to respond. All he said was, "I know."

"No, you don't know!" I retorted. "You have no idea what it's like to be trapped in a body like mine!"

"I guess I don't, but—"

"You don't know what it's like to be exhausted and in pain all the time, or to worry that the slightest change could make it worse. You don't know how it feels to panic every time you realize you have to eat because everything you put into your mouth has the potential to hurt you. And you have absolutely no idea how worthless it makes me feel to not be able to do the simplest things for myself, much less be able to help you."

By the time I'd gotten all that out, I was shaking and crying, and there was nothing I wanted more than to be able to get up off the floor and flee as far away from everyone and everything as I possibly could. I didn't want Victor to look at me in the state I was in. I wanted to disappear, and contrary to what I previously said, in that moment I really did wish that I could go to sleep and not wake up ever again.

Victor reached toward me, like he wanted to pull me into a hug. Any other time, I'd be desperate for him to hold and comfort me, but the thought of him touching me just then was unbearable.

It was all I could do to speak through my tears. "Please, don't."

"But—" He lowered his hands and watched me for what felt like ages before he let out a long breath and tried again. "I think you need to tell me what's really going on."

"Nothing," I said. "Nothing but the same thing that's always going on around here."

"Which is...?"

"You know," I said.

"How about you humour me?”

I scrubbed fiercely at my eyes with the heels of my palms. "I'm tired. I'm tired of... everything. I don't want to keep fighting my own body any more. I don't want to keep pretending that I'm okay and that our situation is okay and that everything's fine when it's not."

"You don't have to pretend anything," he said. "We both know everything's not okay. And like, this is gonna sound like a cliché or whatever, but it's okay that we're not okay right now. Things will improve soon. They always do."

"No, they don't," I said. "Maybe it seems like that for a while, but we're always going to be caught in this cycle. Unless you decide to do something about it, you’re always going to be stuck with me."

"What do you mean, stuck with you? You make it sound like a chore or something."

"Isn't it?"

"If you're asking if it's a lot of work to take care of you, then the answer is yeah, it is a lot of work. But, it's not a chore. If it was, do you think I'd still be here? ‘Cause that’s what you meant, isn’t it? I’m only really stuck until I’ve had enough and I make up my mind to leave?”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“I’m not going to leave you, Yuri,” he said. “If I didn’t think I could cope with all your health stuff, I wouldn’t have stayed in the first place. I’d have been gone already.”

"Would you?” I said. “If you didn't feel like you had to, would you still stay?”

"You're assuming I feel like I have to.”

“Aren’t you tired too? Don’t you need a break from me and my problems?”

“A break from you? No.” He smiled slightly, but I got the impression it was born of awkwardness rather than a more positive emotion. He gestured vaguely. “It’d be nice to get a break from… this, ‘cause I am pretty wiped out, but that’s not your fault. It’s just real life, you know? I need a break from real life.”

“Me too.”

“Anyway,” he went on. “I told you before, we can get help. I mean, we've got help right now and I'm practically doing nothing, so..."

"But, you would if you could."

"Naturally, I would. You know that. But, I know my limits.”

“Are we close? To your limit?”

“Can you stop for a second, please?” he said. “I don't even understand why you're bringing this up, and I need to know why we’re talking about it. I thought we already settled this. Didn't we promise that we’d stick together through everything?”

"It's... I'm thinking about it for a lot of reasons."

"Such as?"

"Seiji," I said.

“What about him?”

“He came to visit me in the hospital."

"I know."

"He's not my friend,” I stated. The words hurt, or maybe it was the realization behind them that was so painful.

"What are you talking about?” Victor asked. “Seiji is your friend. He loves you."

The things that'd come out of Seiji's mouth the afternoon of his visit had made me question whether he'd ever been my friend. It made me wonder if he, like nearly everyone else, merely tolerated me and was only polite because it'd be socially unacceptable not to be, and now he'd finally grown tired of the pretense. "He thinks I'm a monster," I told my husband. "He was so angry."

“A monster? He didn’t really say that.”

“He did.”

"He brought you mochi," Victor said, his confusion evident in his tone. Clearly, Seiji hadn't mentioned anything to him about what had taken place.

For a few heartbeats, I paused, trying to decide if I should continue or not. Finally, I replied, "Yes, he brought me mochi, but I have no idea why. I don't even know why he came, because all he did was tell me what a terrible person I am. He thinks your accident was my fault."

"It wasn't," Victor said. "He's wrong about that."

"Perhaps, but I don't think he's wrong about everything else."

"Everything else. What's included in 'everything else'?"

"He said I don't deserve you. He said... he said you could've done better than me and that I'm holding you back. He said I'm hurting you just by being with you, and that if you're unhappy, it's my fault." I stopped at that point because I could feel tears starting to sting my eyes again and my chest was starting to feel tight.

What Seiji had said wasn’t anything new to me. I’d thought of most of it on my own, long before that. But, hearing the words coming from someone else caused them to strike home all that much harder.

“He’s wrong,” Victor said. “He knows I’m not unhappy. I told him that myself. And you’re not holding me back from anything.”

“I feel like I am.”

“You’re not. I’m doing everything I want to do,” he said. “Yeah, I gave up some stuff, but it’s not like you forced me to. Coming here when i did was my choice. I could’ve waited, but I didn’t want to.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Do you want the honest answer?”

“Yes.”

“It’s like I told you before,” he said. “Sometimes I wish I’d done things differently or made different choices, and sometimes I feel sad or angry about it, but I don’t think I’d call it regret. I love you, and I was determined that I was gonna be with you sooner or later, and if that involved a few sacrifices, I’d say they were worth it.”

“But, what about me? I haven’t sacrificed anything for you.”

“You don’t think so?”

I shook my head. “I suppose I had nothing to give up, in any case.”

“Sacrificing doesn’t necessarily mean you literally give something up. Sometimes it’s like, metaphorical or whatever. Like, I think it took a massive amount of courage for you to let me move in with you. You could’ve said no, but instead of letting your fear tell you what to do, you took a risk."

“That doesn’t seem like much of a risk."

"In hindsight maybe, but think about how you felt at the time."

"I wanted you to come," I said. “And I didn't give up anything compared to what I got out of it.”

“I got a lot out of it too,” he said. “It’s not as unequal as you think.”

“What do you get out of it?”

“I got you. You’re amazing, whether you believe it or not.”

“That’s not an answer." There was an edge to my voice that I didn't like, but once the words were out, there was nothing I could do. "That's the sort of thing you say when you can't think of anything."

“Okay, fine," Victor responded. "You need me to be specific?"

"Can you be?"

"Yeah, I can," he said. "You’re my voice of reason. You help me make good decisions, and you always know how to calm me down when I’m too hyper and the noise in my brain is really bad. You teach me stuff all the time, and you do your best to take care of me.” One side of his mouth twitched in what might’ve been an ironic smile he was trying to keep at bay. “Maybe even when you shouldn’t.”

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you saying that?"

"Because everything you just described... it's nothing. An acquaintance could do all that."

"You think I'd trust just any random acquaintance with my secrets? You think I'd let them into my personal space? Or let them do the stuff you did for me after my accident?"

"You let your mother and stepfather do it."

"Yuri, they're my parents. Well, Julian's not exactly my parent, but you know what I mean. I trust them just as much as I trust you, and if you don't think that much trust counts for anything, then... I don't know what else to tell you."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that!" he exclaimed.

The sharpness of his tone startled me, and totally against my will, I lost the battle to hold my tears back any longer. "I've tried so hard," I said. "But, I just... I can't be what you need. I'll always be the one taking more than I can give, and nothing I ever do will be enough. Seiji is right. You deserve so much more than I can ever offer you."

He was silent for a long time after that, but finally he said. "Do you even know what I need?"

I didn't respond. How could I? The challenge in his tone was so obvious, there was no mistaking its implication. If I answered anything other than no, it'd be the wrong answer. He was compelling me to admit my failure as a partner, but what was the point? We both understood that much already.

I closed my eyes and lowered my head. The pain I felt in my heart was a thousand times greater than anything I'd ever experienced in my body, and one thought drowned out all the others, playing in my brain on repeat.

I want all of this to end.

[sillymille]

To people who are upset about the finale and are sending hate and threats to the cast and crew...

YOU NEED TO FUCKING STOP!!!!

They're actors, hard-working people working behind the scenes, and more! They don't have control over everything single thing. Heck, even the writers don't have control over everything as well.

I want you to think about your jobs/school stuff. They're is stuff you have to do every single shift/class that you don't like, stuff you don't have control of, but is required of you.

Imagine if there were an endless number of people who started harassing you about those things.

Spamming you with hate, death threats, and angry vitriol.

How would you feel? Especially if it's something you are passionate or care deeply about.

I can't even fathom being mean to anyone about that.

However, the entitlement that some of you think you have to do this? Well, it's indicative of a deeper problem.

I'm not saying you aren't allowed to be frustrated or hurt, but to weaponize it to harass others is just plain sad.

I hope you do some soul searching and reflecting on why you feel the need to hurt someone else because you're in pain.

[sturkillerbase]

Hello friends!! It's been a while. A very long while, I know...

I'm writing this to tell you all that's happened in my life that stopped me from coming back here. I'll be tagging my closest mutuals, but feel free to not read this if you don't want to. Sorry in advance because it's going to be a long one :/

First of all, if any of you are upset or disappointed or frustrated with me for vanishing, I completely understand, and it's okay.

Back in June, the first week of it, I got quite sick, and my mind wasn't in the best of places. I thought a week or two off would be enough. But then, inthe middle of that period, I got a terrible flu. I had never had a flu episode like that in my whole life, and even my mom was scared. It was so bad I also ended up with otitis and sinusitis. We spent so much in doctors and medicines, and I actually to this day need sinus medicine. It's only been a couple weeks since I've felt 100% well. Well, all of that took me an entire month.

Since I was so sick, I was on my bed for the entire two weeks. I only left the house to go to the doctor and a few times in my backyard to get some fresh air. I also had no energy to talk to people, weather in person or online. So, as you can imagine, I had A LOT of time to think on my own. Which led to overthinking the most trivial things and, unfortunately, the absolutely not trivial things as well. I've always been depressed, and this led me down into a well of despair, sadness, emptiness and all that comes with it. I was feeling like a used, dirty, old rag thrown into a dark corner.

Now we get to July. Despite my depressed state, I apply to the cinema postgraduation I've been waiting for since January, and I start making plans for my tumblr comeback. Then, I have MAJOR issues with the institution and its website. The website subscription page does not recognize the email I applied with. Without being able to log in to the page, I can’t complete my application, because I can't send the documents they require. I get in touch with them. The first people I talk to are completely useless, and send me copy-pasted instructions that don’t help at all. I then find another way of contacting them. They now know about it and say they'll fix the issue. Well, the entire month of July goes by, with me contacting them and them not solving the issue. They only halfway fix it when I tell them I'll be contacting the consumer's defense system (the institution is a private one so I can sue them for this ridiculous situation and stress they put me under), since I've been with this issue since July 1st, and it was now August 1st, AND classes began on the 9th. I don't know exactly what the woman on the other side did, but suddenly I can access the student area and finally send the required documents. I was so stressed through the entire month, there was no way I had enough peace of mind to come back to my blog. And I didn't want to come back just to complain and be angry.

But all is good now right? The degree of my dreams was about to start. I finally felt I had a purpose in life. I admitted to myself I was mentally worse than I thought I was, and that allowed me to start working on getting better. I get the urge to start illustrating again, something I love but hadn't done since January. Things are going just FINE.

Until they don't.

On August 3rd I'm informed the post grad classes won't be happening this trimester because there wasn't enough quorum. I'll have to wait until the next class, in October. After all that stress they made me go through for a whole month...

My mind crashes again. I'm back to the starting point, which, to me, feels like a loser's point.

But FINE! I'll wait. It'll happen, just not now.

Fast forwards to last Friday, August 12th. I was happy. I went to my friend's birthday party and I had fun. My friend and I have a trip scheduled for next week. I chose nice stuff at the supermarket for a nice Father's day dinner (this year it was on August 14th here in my country).

Then, last Friday, during dinner, my dad decides to be an ass. He says the most stupid shit he's ever said. I've always had issues with him but things had been doing well lately. But he just had to ruin it all.

So now here I am. My mind is fucked up again. I couldn't bring myself to wishing him a happy father's day or even giving him a hug. Well, how can I after his last episode of not wanting to be a proper father who fulfills the basic things he's supposed to as a parent? Plus accusing of things I had never done or said?? I'm angry. I'm upset. This makes me sick and gives me a headache. I feel like punching a punching bag for an entire week at least.

I'm truly hoping this 4 day vacation, away at a beautiful place, with people I like, will ease my mind. After that, I'll be back here with all that I'm in debt with you.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm sorry I've been away, with no apparent signs of coming back. I haven't been a good friend to you here on tumblr. But I hope you'll understand I had no energy left to be here. English is not my first language, so even thinking in it was overwhelming to my already overworked and over exhausted brain.

I want to thank @scorpio-marionette and @boliv-jenta for not giving up on me; I've seen all of your notifications, and although my mind was too far away for interacting, my heart was warmed everytime I got a notification from you.

I also want to thank all of you who'll be understanding of this messy situations. I don't hope or wish for forgiveness or pity. I wrote this because I wanted to let you know of it all.

I do love you all, and never stopped for a moment. I've missed all of our interactions, and I'm looking forward to getting back here and making new lovely memories with you. As I've mentioned a while ago, the best thing that I've ever done and that ever happened to me was joining the Pedro Pascal fandom, because I had never met people that are so, SO lovely, kind, comprehensive and talented!!

Sending you all all my love and best wishes,

Ana 💖

@scorpio-marionette @boliv-jenta @darth-voder @supernaturalgirl20 @misspearly1 @mandoblowmybackout @becksxoxo @littlemisspascal @oonajaeadira

[saltpepperbeard]

Im sorry about this i need to rant. I thought things were getting better but Izzy stan Twitter is at it again with their whining, truth bending and self-victimising.

'Do you like OMFD but wish the queer disabled hero didnt die?' IZZY IS NOT THE HERO OF THIS SHOW!!!!! He is at best a reformed antagonist. What an insult to the other disabled characters, and what about the actual heroes of the show??

'We've been betrayed by straight man writing queer stories'. First of all, way to dismiss the other writers. Also, its not his fault you project your personal traumas and mental health on a fictional character on a show with death in the title.

'GB's ending is comphet (?????) because 'we only need eachother' and theyre breaking away from their queer community' ED HAS BEEN WANTING TO LEAVE PIRACY SINCE LAST SEASON!!! also, its progress that Stede was able to resist basic flattery. And David made it clear that they still have work to do. This one truly broke my brain.

Im just sick of all this. Izzy stans have been coddled for the past week, being told its ok to grieve, but theyve crossed multiple lines. I do wish some things had been more explicit in this finale, only because David overestimated the maturity and media literacy of some people.

Sorry for this but i needed to talk to people here. Its beyond annoyance at this point. Im angry and sick of petty crybabies actively working to poison what we've built.

I'm a bit late to answering this, anon, so pardon the tardiness, but I think it says something that this still holds weight/relevancy even after a bit of pause.

I can totally understand the frustration because I too have seen some absolutely WILD takes. And I don't even go into the main tags, nor am I on Twitter, yet I STILL manage to see whispers of things in my peripherals. I have seen some things similar to what you mentioned that made me just...goggle. I could genuinely just do nothing but...GOGGLE. GAWK, GAPE, AND GOGGLE HSDJKLS.

I of course invite you to hang in this little Safe Spaceship Corner, because so many people are trying to maintain a steady course throughout all of this. But even still, it's frustrating that one can't even really go into the fandom space on Twitter or into the tags without being BOMBARDED. And I'm upset that it has to be that way. I'm upset that people are legitimately finding it difficult to interact with the space, or even enjoy the material now.

And again, AGAIN, I still maintain my opinion that his fans are allowed to be sad/angry/upset by his death. I totally get that. But what I do NOT subscribe to is attempting to pull everyone else down into that and painting it all to be some sort of "personal attack." Or just...throwing any sort of vitriolic label at it in an attempt to "justify" the upset instead of just...sitting with that upset.

Like...It's a story. You may not like it. And that's totally okay. There are things in this season I didn't particularly like. But that's MY opinion, and based off MY personal preferences, not the fault of those who decided to share their story with me. It's not some betrayal, or vendetta, or anything of the sort. And it's such a shame that it's being painted as such and THEN some.

[wenellyb]

I got your stance on Sam not having to cry. But then I think about all the young black men who grow up being told that they aren't supposed to cry. Black men being strong and not showing emotions is a trope that white writers love to use. I'm upset that Malcolm used it in tfatw. I see my uncle tell his son that big boys don't cry whenever he tries to express himself, and black male friends around me suppress those types of emotions. In this day and age where black men are slowly getting more comfortable to show emotion, cry, go to therapy, talk more openly about their trauma and support each other. I'd love to see that for Sam, however we got it for Bucky instead. I think that's the triggering part for some fans, Bucky gets to cry, to voice his frustrated, to go to therapy, but why not Sam? Why does Sam have to swallow down his pain and keep it moving? Why do white characters get to show all their emotions on screen and the black ones have to soldier on?

Last time I remember seeing a black character have a complete breakdown in Marvel was T'Challa over his father's death.

People wanna see Sam have that breakdown, whether it's a flashback over Riley and his parents, or Steve and the stress of being Captain America. But like you said, not everyone shows emotion by crying. I just wanna see Sam throw a chair across the room at least lol.

Trust me I get you and I understand you, and when it comes to my personal experience, this is not limited to Black Men actually, Black women experience this too.

And yes, there's not being allowed to cry (stay strong etc,..) but there's also not being able to cry because of the trauma being too big or because your body just can't do it.

Trauma, pain and grief are a weird thing and you cannot control your reactions, I'm not saying Sam's reactions are healthy but they are very realistic.

I have attended funerals where no one was crying, and it's not because the people weren't sad, or weren't traumatized, it's because they couldn't. Sometimes because if one person broke down, the whole family would breakdown. And sometimes, it's because they have been through so much trauma that tears just won't fall. When you have been through too much, your body sometimes can't do it anymore, whether you're allowed or not.

I know that the reason you mention is one big issue but it isn't the only one.

I really think it's important that people realize that tears, cries, screams, aren't the only way to express emotions. It's important to realize that the way you express you emotions also depends on your culture and background and we can't expect everyone to react the same.

I also disagree that we got to see Bucky's tears of frustrations. Because the only tears we saw from Bucky were tears of joy and relief, we Saw Bucky being angry in the therapy scene but we didn't see him cry either.

In my opinion, the show didn't let White characters show their emotions and not the Black characters. I think that fandoms and even society as a whole are "trained" to see White people's pain but not so much the pain of non-White people.

You mentioning Bucky is a great example, because the only times we saw him crying were the tears of joy/relief in Wakanda, all the other times he had emotional scenes, he didn't cry (just like Sam). He didn't cry while talking to Yuri, even though he was emotional.

During the therapy scene, Bucky got a very emotional scene where he was able to express his emotions as you mentionned, he said "If Steve was wrong about you maybe he was wrong about me". But Sam also got emotional during that scene, when he told Bucky he had no right to comment on something he wouldn't understand. Sam also got to express himself. But it went unnoticed. The first thing Sam ever said to Bucky in the show was that it broke his heart that they gave the shield to Walker, Sam is expressing his feelings. We don't see him cry or have a breakdown but we don't see his emotions, his pain,...We just ignore it as a fandom (because no tears were shed, I assume).

Bucky had emotional scenes yes, but so did Sam. So did Sam. And yet, we often hear about how only Bucky got to express himself and not Sam. Because Sam's reactions went unnoticed, but they were there.

Don't get me wrong, I agree with everything you said, but I still don't think it justify saying that we didn't see Sam's sadness or suffering in the show, because we did. Constantly.

Last point, my stand isn't exactly that Sam "doesn't have to cry" what I'm saying is that "Sam doesn't have to cry for people to notice that he's in pain". I would have been fine with seeing him cry, but not seeing him cry doesn't mean that I didn't see him being sad or emotional, because his reactions were very realistic to me.

I think it's healthy that we as a fandom ask to see more of Sam, more of his background, his History, his relationships etc, but I think it's completely unfair to act like the FATWS didn't give us some of that already, scenes where we got to see Sam's emotions.

I'm fine either way, I would love to see Sam being more emotional in the future. But him not crying or not having a breakdown isn't a deal breaker.

I really appreciate your input and hope my answer was clear, sometimes the things I write sounds much clear in my brain lol.