#and im just. too socially disabled. I hurt people because I dont understand them. theres only a 25% chance I make things better when im

[hellfire--hearts]

idk how I should say "this was supposed to be me, I was supposed to be a beacon of joy for my friends, and I was supposed to have so many people I love that love me too, and I was supposed to actually bring people joy and lots of it, but then i came out of of my birthgiver autistic and proceeded to have every ounce of sunshine and any sort of social competence beaten from me by my own parents, my peers, and whoever thought they couldnt possibly continue life without molesting a 3 year old" without crying but

[dyketubbo]

im rewatching doomsday (comps of all povs of course) and. yeah i just.. feel bad for the lmanburgians. i dont know how i could just. say these people deserved it, when they all sound, panicked and desperate and so so fucking sad. long long ramble under the cut as i recount the events and pick out a bunch of little things

even the day before then is painful. ranboos panic room. ranboo and tubbos talk (tubbo admitting that hes wrong, saying he believes that history is repeating itself and trusting ranboo because he believes in his loyalty), fundy showing the ring toss. tubbos surprise at being told to kill dream before stating that quackity would be in control if he didnt (god, did he plan to fail?). tommy being so so excited. everyone playing ring toss and cheering on jack. tommy still believing in tubbo. tubbo panicking. ranboo and tommy and techno talking, ranboo giving them info. dream placing walls and quackity instructing tubbo on where to kill dream. dream lying about the community house. the entire community house debacle. just, everything.

and then doomsday itself. having to frantically get there because it started early, tubbo only having diamond armor to protect him, fundy standing still after he sabotaged them. tubbo and ranboos genuine despair about the apiary.

tubbo eventually going nonverbal and actively putting himself in danger, not even moving away from techno at first and getting in the way of the firework launcher. tubbo trying to save tommy from the fireworks, ponks broken "dont come over here!" after she was trying to save his cat, tommys face falling and desperate attempts at convincing techno, ranboo going "its all gone", niki spiralling and silently burning down the tree, quackitys pure anger. all the death messages.

jack going "what is there left to protect", tommy brokenly trying to accept that its gone as tubbo and quackity blankly do accept it. jack going "i lost everything again". tommy desperately trying to understand dream, on the verge of tears as he asks why dream didnt just hurt him. his low health and food as hes unable to do anything anymore, his quiet gasp as he spots ghostbur, tubbos tiny shake of his head when dream says dream and tommys story wont be over.

tubbo and quackity breaking the repeaters. ghostburs "i didnt even know we were fighting". ghostbur finding out phil let friend die, hes pained "phil? but i- i gave, i gave phil to look after. and dream found me friend, and technoblade said we were friends", tommys pained talk about technoblade. "we were never his friend. to him, all of this was just an act of politics, an act of clout and a-a social ladder, and you won't remember. tubbo you will, and to you big q, this was a friendship. but to technoblade, this was a ladder. and techno climbed to the tippity talk. do you wanna know the only way you can go? on the ladder? -- and once you reach the top of the ladder tubbo, you can only go down."

quackity asking to sing the anthem again, him strumming as ghostbur sings (and tubbo and tommy joining in). ghostbur forgetting the second verse because it blew up. quackity remembering it, them stumbling through it. tommys "tubbo? im so so sorry", tubbos quiet "its okay." the four all singing together. tubbo looking at the lava with an ender pearl in his hand, tommy correcting quackity and going "our l'manburg". ghostburs speech about friend, about people not taking him seriously just because he has memory loss.

meanwhile.. phil and techno were laughing. cracking jokes. phil mocks them as he spawns withers on the apiary, going "ohhh noo not the bees!". techno shouts at tommy and shoots at him and tubbo. he kills jack and doesnt even notice that it was one of his lives lost. jacks death itself proves that it doesnt take any particular intent, doesnt have to mean anything to the killer. techno and phil were willing to kill people. it would be foolish of them to act as if there were no risks in the terms of canon lives, especially with phil. phil doesnt take ghostbur seriously, treats his despair as an opportunity to drill in a lesson. the most either of them lost was some of the dogs and used up potions, fireworks, and wither skulls

and then theres dream. dream whose been harming the l'manburgians since the beginning, who had taken tubbo hostage, offered eret a chance to betray them all, who had been the man in tommys walls and offering money to tubbo and jack to try and get them to destroy things, who tried to get tommy to kill tubbos villagers. dream, who took tommys discs over and over, who killed tommy twice in one day, who stopped caring about his friends that loved him and were so so loyal. dream, who helped schlatt and pushed wilbur deeper into his spiral, who even then tried to manipulate tommy.

dream, who helped destroy l'manburg the first and second time, who took advantage of tubbo so he could have a premeditated kidnapping of tommy. dream, who abused tommy, physically, psychologically, emotionally. dream, who degraded tubbo and had taken ranboos memory book (which btw, since ranboos memory loss counts as a mental disability with the memory book as his aid, thats dream taking the thing that aids ranboo in dealing with his disability).

dream, who had been the reason l'manburg was created. dream, who got to destroy l'manburg three times. dream won. and techno and phil dont regret it, dont care.

maybe l'manburg was never meant to be. and sure, it started with stealing and an attempt to monopolize on potions but. that wasnt even l'manburg then, was it? it was just wilbur and tommy having fun. l'manburg came after. after the police hurt them. l'manburg started as a silly little revolution, led by a naïve man who thought he could win wars by saying no. it was a place for a family, a place for them to escape from dream. it was a place to try and escape the harm of those outside the walls. it was meant to be safe, even if those against them made it hard to be. it was made from love. it was meant to be happy. it was a symphony, however unfinished.

so. i don't know. i just feel, bad. they never really won, did they? tragedy after tragedy, death after death, destruction after destruction, betrayal after betrayal, hurt after hurt. and now what's left of them, really? out of the founders, erets doing the best and even shes doing awful, forever trying to make up for what he did. tubbos paranoia led him to developing nukes in a desperate attempt to stay safe, because he was taught to stay quiet and keep his emotions to himself, because his death was "justified", because nukes and walls and weapons are the only way he can feel safe anymore.

tommy went through months of abuse, lost all of his lives and suffered upon coming back, suicidal but unable to bring himself to do it because limbo is worse, feeling lost and like he has no family anymore other than wilbur, who he knows is hurting him but cant bring himself to leave, who loved lmanburg so so dearly and only wanted a home, still doesnt have one (tommy from everywhere, tommy from nowhere at all). niki who loved lmanburg and wilbur so much that it hollowed her out and made her bitter and shes so used to being spoken over that all she can think to do is raise her voice and get pissed, who cant see wilbur as a good person anymore because shes hurt and hasnt truly recovered and she doesnt know how to cope without being angry.

jack manifold feels forgotten, hes lost all his lives and crawled out of hell and no one truly noticed, he doesnt even believe that niki really cares, hes desperate and has made his purpose to be spiteful and angry because he cant deal with the emptiness that comes when he realizes theres no point. fundys desperate to have friends, family, a partner, anyone thatll love him, anyone thatll keep him safe, slowly killing himself with cigarettes and disowned because of giving too little too late, because he was too little too late.

and wilburs lost himself. spiraling, paranoid. a young, naïve man who wanted to fight swords with words, who wanted to impress his father, who wanted a nation of his own to feel safe, who was so effected by erets betrayal that he cant trust anyone but himself, whose possessive nature eats him from the inside out, desperate for control and unable to let go of the only person he knows loves him unconditionally

all because outside forces kept pushing, kept destroying, kept ruining them and hurting them and traumatizing them and taking away their homes and pets and loved ones. and i just. cant feel happy for the ones that hurt them, i cant feel victorius, triumphant, any of that. i just feel bad that the l'manburgians never got to be a family. i know they arent the best people but shit, i love them anyways, love them because theyre flawed and because theyre *people*, people who tried so so hard and got pushed so so much and. fuck, i cant be happy that the people who loved nature and play fought and laughed by campfires and read poetry and re-enacted theatre and loved each other and wanted to *live* (even if they were willing to die, if it meant giving everyone else a chance).. lost. they lost.

canonical years of work down the drain in one day. records of history gone, now only remembered in full by a traumatized teenager who was taught not to talk about his negative emotions, and even he misremembers some parts. they didnt even lose fairly. they had no chance. they couldnt have prepared for withers, for tnt rain, for the hounds. they were poor, weaker than their opponents, sabotaged by one of their own. thats.. tragic.

doomsday was a tragedy. i cant agree that it was deserved. i cant agree that they had it coming, that they deserved to lose homes and pets and limbs and lives and land because they werent the greatest people around.

a small country of less than 10 people (at both creation and destruction) now a giant crater in the ground, remnants of a parisitic egg taking over the land. and it wasnt even lost fairly. three people were stronger than an entire nation, even with all of its allies. two anarchists working with an abusive tyrant. so, no. doomsday wasnt deserved. people dont deserve tragedy. there were better ways, i truly cant be happy that the way chosen was violence. i cant.

l'manburg's citizens deserved better. they really did. the ends dont justify the means. and god, am i fucking tired of "justice". if justice means choosing violence over love and respect and caring about those less strong than you, i dont wanna hear about it. fuck that man, id rather love and be loved than constantly give a shit about making up for hurting others by getting hurt, thats stupid and cruel and i cant see it as okay on a moral level. not when the people that got hurt deserved to be loved and cared about and protected and *talked to* instead of constantly shot down.

of course for the narrative i can enjoy violence and characters getting hurt and i do like how "real" it all is, the despair and dissonance in tone and how terrifyingly messy it all is. out of story perspective- honestly rather cool even if it makes me feel bad. in story perspective- holy fucking shit no that wasnt deserved and god i hope everyone hurt will be able to heal and learn to love and be loved again because thats such a terrifying thing to go through. from a detached pov i can appreciate the insight into everyone involved and i like the plotlines that came from it, but from a compassionate pov i just wish the l'manburgians were allowed to be happy and treated as equals so they didnt have to go through all of this

[oajpw5f3-blog]

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[10071991]

Lynn:

23:17

The counselor has joined the conversation.

Lynn:

23:17

Hi, welcome to Lifeline

Lynn:

23:19

Are you there?

Anonymous9806:

23:22

oh sorry

Lynn:

23:23

Hi there

Anonymous9806:

23:23

hi

Lynn:

23:23

Sorry about the wait

Anonymous9806:

23:23

im sorry the thing doesnt make a noise so i was trying to get some stuff sorted out and i didnt realize anyone was ready

Anonymous9806:

23:23

it ok

Lynn:

23:24

So what brings you here tonight?

Anonymous9806:

23:25

i dont feel well

Lynn:

23:26

How so?

Anonymous9806:

23:27

im very sad

Lynn:

23:27

Over what?

Anonymous9806:

23:27

everyone around me hates me

Lynn:

23:28

Can you tell me more about what's making you feel that way?

Anonymous9806:

23:28

but i cant be who they want me to be to make it stop

Lynn:

23:28

Who do you think they want you to be?

Anonymous9806:

23:29

my family yells at me and doesnt listen to me when i try to explain

Anonymous9806:

23:29

not me at least, but they dont listen to me when i try to explain why im me

Anonymous9806:

23:30

they tell me to kill myself and that im not a person

Anonymous9806:

23:30

theyll scream in public and disturb the neighbors

Lynn:

23:30

Your family says that??

Anonymous9806:

23:30

yes

Lynn:

23:30

Wow. It doesn't sound like you're the problem there.

Anonymous9806:

23:31

and im a dumb cunt, the stupidest, how could i be one of them, im a drain on society, i deserve to have my things destroyed

Anonymous9806:

23:32

but i have to be because why would everyone else treat me this way? i dont know anybody who doesnt act like ive done something awful to them but i dont understand why im so awful for needing help and i dont know how to help myself understand

Lynn:

23:33

That's awful and no one deserves to be treated that way

Anonymous9806:

23:33

dad says my cats should be killed too and the kitten i was fostering from the humane societys head should be ripped off

Anonymous9806:

23:33

he says i do

Lynn:

23:34

Do you live with them?

Anonymous9806:

23:34

he says hes tired, i quote, of me "treating him like a n*****"

Lynn:

23:34

Wow...

Anonymous9806:

23:34

i live with dad and ive lived with my uncle before

Anonymous9806:

23:35

so when he destroys my stuff dad says "the n* is pissed" as his justification

Anonymous9806:

23:35

we are white

Anonymous9806:

23:36

and if i try to calmly say "lets talk about your concerns" or something like they taught me in therapy, he just goes even more ballistic, and screams at me to shut up, and says its my fault hes mad and gets more mad

Lynn:

23:36

That sounds terrifying

Lynn:

23:36

How long has he been like this towards you?

Anonymous9806:

23:36

then hell say stuff like theres something wrong with me, i cant follow instructions, i cant do this or that, im stupid and stuff..... but then says theres nothing wrong with me so i should be capable of stuff

Anonymous9806:

23:37

yeah its scary his gf says she thinks its scary too so when he starts shell leave after a while

Anonymous9806:

23:37

uhhhh a few months? mom died in march so 4 months?

Lynn:

23:37

This started right after your mom died?

Anonymous9806:

23:37

it happens 1-3 times a week

Anonymous9806:

23:38

yeah when i moved in with him

Anonymous9806:

23:38

he says terrible things about her too

Lynn:

23:38

Do you think it could be grief that he's mishandling?

Anonymous9806:

23:38

no

Lynn:

23:38

Ok

Anonymous9806:

23:38

he treated her like this too

Lynn:

23:38

Is there anywhere else you an go?

Anonymous9806:

23:38

when she was alive

Anonymous9806:

23:38

no

Lynn:

23:39

*Can* sorry

Anonymous9806:

23:39

no one believes me but im disabled

Anonymous9806:

23:39

so they blame me bc i deserve it all bc i havent been working since mom died

Anonymous9806:

23:40

im supposed to go to school i think in a couple weeks if they help me figure out a dumb hangup thats happened with it

Anonymous9806:

23:40

im hoping i can do it bc i dropped out of high school bc it was hard

Lynn:

23:41

I get that, but it could help you get a job in the longrun that will allow you to get away from him.

Lynn:

23:42

In what way are you disabled?

Anonymous9806:

23:42

im autistic and mentally ill, i have really bad legs too

Anonymous9806:

23:43

ive been institutionalized numerous times and ppl threaten me with it

Anonymous9806:

23:43

i hate it a lot so i hope i dont say anything so you dont have to put me somewhere

Anonymous9806:

23:44

this is my first time using a support chat and thats scared me from using it before

Lynn:

23:44

I don't have the authority to put you anywhere, so no worries about that.

Anonymous9806:

23:45

oh im sorry i should have clarified im "high functioning" aspergers so my strength is linguistic

Anonymous9806:

23:45

im relieved

Anonymous9806:

23:46

if i flap or rock or pace i get in trouble

Anonymous9806:

23:46

so i try to stim swinging at the park so nobody realizes im doing it as much

Anonymous9806:

23:46

its not as obvious i mean

Lynn:

23:47

Right

Anonymous9806:

23:47

so it gets hard if im in public otherwise bc i want to but i dont want to bc i dont want people to treat me weird like family does

Lynn:

23:48

I can understand that.

Lynn:

23:48

Do you feel like you're in physical danger there?

Anonymous9806:

23:49

i dont know

Anonymous9806:

23:49

i worry about my computer and my cats but i dont care if im threatened

Anonymous9806:

23:51

i guess maybe he threatened me the other night? he put his fist close in my face and was like "now im threatening you" after i told him he was getting violent

Anonymous9806:

23:51

throwing things and destroying property is violent to me but maybe im wrong

Lynn:

23:51

That sounds violent to me.

Lynn:

23:52

Have you considered calling the police when he gets like that? I'm afraid of you getting hurt.

Anonymous9806:

23:52

yeah like way across the room and stuff

Anonymous9806:

23:52

ive told HIM to call the police when hes screaming at me to get out of his house and stuff

Anonymous9806:

23:53

otherwise if they try and have me press charges or something i have nowhere else to go or anything

Lynn:

23:54

Ok, I just want to make sure you're physically safe

Lynn:

23:54

I am so sorry about how he treats you, though, that's horrible.

Anonymous9806:

23:55

its my fault but i dont know how to change and be more quiet

Lynn:

23:55

It's not your fault. He needs to be more understanding of your condition.

Anonymous9806:

23:56

nobody is

Lynn:

23:56

That's such a horrible position to be in.

Anonymous9806:

23:56

i tried to bring a chair upstairs the other day, and it was so heavy? but i didnt have help and if i didnt do it hed punish me. i got so exhausted i passed out at the top of the stairs

Anonymous9806:

23:57

so tonight i was being mimicked with like..... you know that whimpering "hng hng hng" people do to make fun of people? that about it

Anonymous9806:

23:57

ive also fallen down the stairs because he ripped the bar off at the landing

Anonymous9806:

23:58

and i was screamed at for being lazy and not doing my volunteer work at the humane society bc i sprained my ankle and knee

Anonymous9806:

23:58

its been uhhhh a week and it still hurts a lot

Anonymous9806:

23:58

but im told i have to go through pain and im weak

Lynn:

23:58

Yeah, that sounds really painful

Anonymous9806:

23:59

i have to do things that cause me physical agony

Anonymous9806:

23:59

im sorry if that sounds extreme im not just uhh. i cant remember the word for making something sound worse? im not just trying to make it sound worse it hurts so bad i just want my legs amputated a lot

Anonymous9806:

23:59

if they were gone they wouldnt hurt

Lynn:

00:00

You might try calling 211 to see if they have any resources to help someone with special needs find employment, find housing etc. to try to help you be more independent and get out of there.

Anonymous9806:

00:00

but then im scolded and called a dumbass and im trying to "become a drug addict" trying to find a solution to my pain

Lynn:

00:00

You should not have to put up with being treated that way.

Anonymous9806:

00:01

ive tried to work with vocational rehab before but they kind of get to a point where they get to buck up too

Anonymous9806:

00:02

it was through them i became a debt collector because we thought it wouldnt hurt my legs and idk, they figured i could handle talking to people constantly but

Anonymous9806:

00:02

i coudlnt

Anonymous9806:

00:02

people would call me fat and an asshole and im ruining their life and stuff in that job, and people would do it in tech support jobs ive tried before

Anonymous9806:

00:03

but debt collecting was the worst and im sorry i feel weird saying this but in that job it.... kinda turned into something similar to what you do here? i talked a guy out of suicide on the phone and it was really triggering

Anonymous9806:

00:03

i dont want to be around people and thats why i volunteer at the humane society because the animals dont yell at me

Anonymous9806:

00:04

or trigger me really

Anonymous9806:

00:05

and then it also gets hard bc ive been struggling a lot more with stuff. applying for college and trying to get financial aid and sign up for classes and stuff has been a nightmare because i haavent figured out howto navigate their websites and stuff, my friend.... um. shes also named lyn. but shes helped me every step of the way. every step has felt like a hurdle

Lynn:

00:07

If you want help I can let social services know what's going on, but I would need your information so I can tell them who you are and where to go.

Anonymous9806:

00:08

what kind of social services? like someone that would help me figure out how to sign up for college classes and stuff or help me make doctor appointments and stuff like that?

Anonymous9806:

00:08

that would help me

Anonymous9806:

00:09

i feel bad for lyn helping me figure stuff out all the time but i need help understanding it

Lynn:

00:09

211 might be able to help with that, but no, I mean DHR to help make your dad stop hurting you like this.

Anonymous9806:

00:09

when i get frustrated i cry and have meltdowns and stuff and then that doesnt make situations better

Anonymous9806:

00:10

oohhh ok. i dont know what dhr means?

Anonymous9806:

00:10

but if im living at his place hes allowed to treat me how he wants to or ill be homeless

Lynn:

00:10

What he's doing is verbal and mental abuse and DHR would get the state involved to investigate and monitor the situation. No, he is not allowed to do that.

Anonymous9806:

00:11

i dont care much about me, been there done that, but my cats i love and i dont want them to not be cared for

Anonymous9806:

00:11

even if i dont pay rent...?

Anonymous9806:

00:11

if i.... have recordings.... does that help...?

Lynn:

00:11

It could, yes.

Anonymous9806:

00:12

he got mad and threw my phone at me the other night because "im so stupid bc im always on it" but uh. its hyper vigilance i guess that if he starts screaming i start recording

Lynn:

00:13

Your autism is documented right?

Anonymous9806:

00:13

um... would they be able to talk to me.... and not involve him yet...? its a situation where i dont know if it would do more harm than good? but maybe they could help me like. i dont know....

Anonymous9806:

00:13

yeah it should be on file at uhhh

Lynn:

00:13

I don't need to know where

Lynn:

00:13

It's ok, just so long as it's somewhere.

Anonymous9806:

00:13

when you say documented you mean my doctors and therapists ive had are aware of it?

Lynn:

00:14

Yes

Lynn:

00:14

Do you still have a therapist?

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i moved from a different state but they could probably send papers and stuff? i had dbt therapy there

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i miss it

Anonymous9806:

00:14

no, i havent been able to find one that accepts my insurance but also accepts new patients

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i tried to find grief counseling too for my mom

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i miss my mom

Anonymous9806:

00:15

she understood me

Lynn:

00:15

I'm so sorry you lost her.

Anonymous9806:

00:15

thank you for your condolences

Lynn:

00:16

Of course

Anonymous9806:

00:16

i cry because i miss her every day but i dont know how to stop missing her

Anonymous9806:

00:17

dd sys he gave me three weeks before cutting into me so i could grieve but i dont think even after three years ill be done with it

Anonymous9806:

00:17

or 30 or 300

Lynn:

00:17

Before cutting into you?

Anonymous9806:

00:17

yelling at me and stuff

Anonymous9806:

00:18

im sorry i didnt mean literally

Anonymous9806:

00:18

im scared of knives so im glad not literally lol

Lynn:

00:19

So that means he can control it.

Anonymous9806:

00:20

when he gets drunk theres no controlling anything i dont think? even if i try there doesnt seem to be rationalizing but my idea of rational and other peoples i guess is different

Anonymous9806:

00:21

his girlfriend says hes an asshole when hes drinking tequila

Lynn:

00:23

I don't know what DHR will do, if anything, but do you want me to call them for you?

Anonymous9806:

00:23

um

Anonymous9806:

00:24

would they let you ask them questions?

Anonymous9806:

00:24

or would we get in trouble for wasting their time?

Anonymous9806:

00:24

i say we because youd be asking for me but i dont want to get you in trouble

Lynn:

00:25

No, not at all. Because of your autism what he's doing is illegal, it's verbal and mental abuse.

Anonymous9806:

00:26

even if im 'high functioning"?

Anonymous9806:

00:26

even if im 'high functioning"?

Anonymous9806:

00:26

dont like those terms but that helps ppl understand what i mean i think

Anonymous9806:

00:26

like i was a "gifted student" but.... i dropped out of school and stuff

Lynn:

00:26

Does he have legal rights over you, like guardianship?

Anonymous9806:

00:26

oh im sorry i didnt mean to send the one thing twice

Anonymous9806:

00:27

i dont think so, i was an adult when we found out? because im "high" im kind of left to me but it doesnt mean its not..... really hard...

Anonymous9806:

00:28

i didnt have anywhere to go when our room mates bailed on us (im blamed for this too but it wasnt my faul my room mate lost her job) so i had to come here when mom died a week after i left the state

Anonymous9806:

00:29

i was her caregiver because im more able bodied than her with final stage copd, and otherwise myuncle wanted her to be put in a nursing home but i didnt want that, so i tried to take care of her as best as i could but its hard bc i cant take very good care of me i guess

Anonymous9806:

00:29

she probably wouldnt have died if id been better

Anonymous9806:

00:31

if we didnt go to colorado with our room mates i mean

Lynn:

00:31

No, that wasn't your fault. I'm sure she was grateful and you did a great job with her.

Anonymous9806:

00:31

but i made the bad decision to go with them so we could afford rent

Anonymous9806:

00:32

well.... she didnt want me to leave? i think she liked being with me

Anonymous9806:

00:33

when she broke ribs falling out of her bed once she had to stay in a nursing home for a month and the food was so so bad so she liked if i baked some stuff if i felt well enough to

Anonymous9806:

00:33

like liver in a gelatin served with broccoli bad

Lynn:

00:33

Oh wow, yeah. That does not sound good

Anonymous9806:

00:34

i guess im biased but id take my shake and bake over that too lol

Lynn:

00:34

Lol, for sure!

Anonymous9806:

00:34

so id smuggle her in some food when id visitor

Anonymous9806:

00:34

*visit her

Lynn:

00:34

That was nice of you

Anonymous9806:

00:34

she liked little debbie nutty bars a lot, and coca cola

Anonymous9806:

00:36

and she didnt like usual "old people" stuff i guess? she liked watching shows on her amazon fire stick, so shed make the trip from the bed to the stuffed armchair she had, turn that on, and then i was on call when she needed me for stuff, and the cats would come and go but they liked to sleep on her bed a lot lol

Anonymous9806:

00:36

i hope it wasnt a bad life for her

Lynn:

00:37

So what do you think about getting some help with your dad?

Anonymous9806:

00:38

it would be nice, but i dont know if it would be beneficial or waste everyones time. if i cant stay here then i have nowhere to go, and my cats dont, so im worried

Anonymous9806:

00:39

would someone be able to talk to me first so we could figure out if its worthwhile? im so worried they wont believe me either and then ill be in more trouble and everyone just wasted time and resources

Lynn:

00:39

Ok, if you don't want to give me your information I understand that, but look up adult protective services in your area or call 211 so you can ask what you need to and decide what you want to do. You don't have to let him treat you like this.

Anonymous9806:

00:40

im sorry im not trying to cause problems for you or um. make it seem like im turning my nose up at your health i appreciate you

Lynn:

00:40

Just explain to whoever you talk to why you're so scared and ask for them to help you make sure he doesn't make things worse for you.

Anonymous9806:

00:41

okay, thanks so much! i will do this when hes not around to hear me

Lynn:

00:41

You're not at all. Your concerns are valid, I'm just trying to give you ways to find help.

Anonymous9806:

00:41

thank you

Lynn:

00:41

Ok, good. Please do call them. You don't deserve this.

Anonymous9806:

00:41

ive just been so sad

Lynn:

00:41

You're welcome!

Lynn:

00:42

I know and I get why.

Anonymous9806:

00:42

ive been overwhelmed and it doesnt help to be screamed at

Lynn:

00:42

No, it doesn't.

[afearing]

since apparently theres no consequences for delivering unto this website extremely long and good takes i will present to you my hot take on the ace d'escourse, with no sources because I Dont Feel Like It. its more words than is reasonable bc i have been stewing in this for like 4 years and if i dont type it out at some point im going to fucking lose it. no, literally, it’s 3 pages long in word about shit no one cares about anymore. please remember to like and subscribe.

some background on me, i id’d as ace for something like 8 years, from the first time i read the wikipedia page on it back in maybe 2009 or thereabouts. i also id’d as aro for about a year in 2016. that is to say, i have a lot of compassion and understanding for asexual individuals and feel i understand the inclusionist side of the argument pretty well, as i never questioned inclusionism until maybe 2014 or so, when the discourse blew up. i took some time off tumblr because i was so fucking distraught to think that, as i id’d as aroace at the time, that i had to come to terms with not being lgbt. lol i was a little too attached to being ‘gay’ because... fun fact, past dumbass self... you are gay. anyway, i really dont want anyone to feel that i hate them, but after i cooled off a little bit i realized that the exclusionist take on asexuality just makes more sense. hopefully i can explain why clearly enough.

i really believe that what is understood as aphobia is 100% of the time simply a manifestation of our culture’s expectations surrounding sexuality. while “expectations surrounding sexuality” as a very broad topic does indeed cover both the lgbt community and people on the ace spectrum, facing these issues does NOT make a person lgbt. i subscribe to the idea that lgbt is for people targeted directly by homophobia and transphobia. ace issues ARE super important to talk about and the whole inclus/exclus nonsense is entirely because this discourse has been put under the wrong category. im aware that probably most people will not care that much about my opinion on the correct framing of asexual activism as i no longer id as ace but i think this is important for everyone. sexual expectations also weigh on straight individuals, especially women, and i’m going to describe a few examples to try to demonstrate why i believe both that it doesn’t make sense to consider asexuality lgbt as well as why it does make sense to frame it as an issue based mainly in misogyny.

call out post for myself, i use reddit, and i think the r/childfree community is a good example of what i think the framing should be like. although it’s acknowledged that not wanting children has larger social consequences for women, both men and women talk about their issues in the forum, including horrific accounts of reproductive coercion and rape, the intersections with race/being lgbt/ageism (although they could do a LOT better with intersectionality, many posters do touch upon it), profoundly cruel comments made by those who have/want children, difficulty finding an understanding relationship partner, discrimination at work, misunderstandings and even hatred from family and acquaintances, discrimination in healthcare, etc.

i think you can tell where i’m going with this. even though being childfree cuts against the expectations for sexuality in most societies, even though it leads to unfair judgment from others, and even though they face discrimination on the basis of the way they express their sexuality, childfree people do NOT frame parenthood/childfreedom as an axis of oppression, nor do they claim that their lack of desire for children makes them lgbt. it’s not even a question if straight childfree people are straight, because duh? nor if the presence of lgbt childfree people makes the whole community fall under the lgbt umbrella, because it obviously doesn’t.

to drive the point home, the reason why this is NOT an axis of oppression is because parents face a ton of issues as well! they also face reproductive coercion as well as judgment over the number of kids they have, constant scrutiny and moralization over every aspect of their parenthood style, judgment based on parents’ age/wealth/sexuality/marital or dating status/race, housing and employment discrimination, especially for mothers, the government hating poor parents and cutting their benefits, and more i’m sure i’m not thinking of. again, this is due to societal expectations of sexuality. to complete the analogy, people who aren’t ace face their own set of challenges and discrimination. part of homophobia/biphobia is tinged with hatred of our sexual attraction; no one except for straight white men is allowed to really express their sexuality without backlash, and even then there is this shame leading to a lack of proper sex ed and horribly unhealthy understandings of sexual attraction in a large portion of the populace. so calling aphobia an axis of oppression is just not right. and in addition, the large proportion of lgbt aces doesn’t make asexuality lgbt, that’s not how groups work.

some more on what i mean by ‘expectations around sexuality’... in terms of my experience in the US, there is some blueprint in many people’s minds of what a person should be like in terms of sexuality, and that is something like “cishet, abled man, who is neither ace nor aro, who gets laid regularly (but not to excess) starting no later than 18 and ending no later than 28 when he settles down with one cishet abled wife, also neither ace nor aro, who has only had sex with up to three committed boyfriends, and they have precisely two children, approximately two years apart in age, whom the parents can financially and emotionally support to the utmost, because they are also moderately to very well off, and the parents work under traditional gender roles to raise their children as conventionally as possible.” and if you deviate from this script in ANY way that’s viewed with moral panic and scrutiny by someone. and the connection to misogyny is that women are seen as sort of the bastions of sexual morality. we are punished especially harshly for nonconformity.

if you’re poor you’re fucked because either you don’t have kids or you can’t send them off to private schools and feed them fancy organic shit. if you’re lgbt or polyamorous or aro or ace? fucked! if you dare to reproduce as a disabled person, and if your disability impacts your parenthood, especially for women, you’re practically crucified even in liberal circles. if you have too few kids or too many (don’t you know only kids turn out weird? / how can you possibly raise 5 children properly?), if you have too much sex or too little, if you split up the work in your relationship not along gender lines, if you do unconventional things in your parenthood, like accept your trans kids or move a lot or any number of other things, the social judgment rains down like the fires of fucking hell. meaning practically no one can escape it!! huge bonus to the screaming crowd with pitchforks if you’re a person of color or a woman, mega ultra bonus to women of color.

but does that make everyone i just talked about lgbt? no! although every single one of the groups i mentioned is tangentially related through this issue, even though all of them face a lot of horrible problems and discrimination, that does not make those issues inherently lgbt. again, they are tangentially related and i could see a good case for solidarity among many of the groups mentioned; all of them are fighting for greater acceptance of different kinds of relationships, greater acceptance of seeking happiness and being who you are rather than pressuring everyone to conform as much as possible to the LifeScript. but all of those groups are equally related to the lgbt community - that is, tangentially only. just as you can be childfree and straight, a stay-at-home dad and straight, a straight woman of color, so too can you be polyamorous and straight, ace and straight, or aro and straight.

that’s it for my main point. ace and aro people? your lives are hard. i’m not going to downplay it in any way because i know there are a lot of people who actually hate your guts. fuck, i’ve seen people full-on shittalk asexuality, in the internet and real life, in the most blatant of ways, so it’s not just something you can necessarily escape by logging off. not as much so for aro people tbh but i predict as much once the Public gets more wind of your existence. i fully believe that you face a higher risk of sexual assault; discrimination in relationships, housing, and the workplace; horrible comments from everyone who thinks their shitty opinion on your sexuality and love life matters; and I believe you that that hurts and is terrible and that you deserve a place to discuss and provide support.

but. those issues are not exclusive to you. they’re not exclusive to lgbt people, or oppressed people, and so those issues don’t and cannot make you lgbt, nor do they make ace/aro vs. allo an axis of oppression. our communities intersect, yes, considerably, but you are not a subset of lgbt. perhaps our rhetoric can help you, but because straight ace and aro people exist you cannot and should not consider yourselves lgb+. i think you understand that the issues you face are a form of oppression, but they are the result of the toxic and misogynistic sex culture in this society, which, yes, targets lgbt people but also, practically everyone, including groups which are definitively absolutely not inherently lgbt, such as parents, gnc straight people, poc, disabled people, the list goes on.

to conclude, what really converted me to being an ace exclusionist was the example of a straight grey or demi ace. how could you possibly argue that someone who falls in love with the opposite gender only, but with more conditions or less frequently than someone not aspec, is lgb+, can call themselves queer, etc.? exactly what material reality does that person share with a gay or bi person? i think that their issues fall in line with aspec community issues but extremely clearly not at all with lgbt ones. 

the end but post script since i brought up orientation modifiers: perhaps it isn’t my place to say, but i don’t think that microlabels are very healthy and that it would make more sense for the ace community to work on expanding the idea of what sexuality is than to try to create a label to describe every single person’s experience of their sexuality. not that i think you should necessarily kick grey ace people out of the aspec community or that they’re not valid or whatever, but that perhaps it makes more sense to say that some people experience sexual attraction less frequently, and that’s alright. i don’t know.  i spent sophomore year of high school poring over those mogai blogs looking for some new orientation label that would make me go like, oh my god that’s me! and believing that if those labels helped people feel that way they weren’t doing any harm. but what actually finally made me feel like that was expanding my understanding of what attraction is and a better conception of lesbian issues and why i might feel so disconnected from my sexuality and why i might be obsessing over every interaction with a guy looking for signs i was attracted to him but feel super disgusted whenever they exhibited interest in me. i spent so long trying to go like maybe im cupioromantic lithsexual and feeling terrified that that i had such a weird and esoteric sexuality that no one could ever possibly understand enough to be in a relationship with me... like, ok dyke! i know a lot of people have had similar experiences and i don’t think i know a whole ton of people now in college who are still doing that, which makes me think those labels are more harmful than not. 

i guess that’s anecdotal but it’s easier for me to believe that a person could cling to those labels due to internalized homophobia than actually have a new form of sexuality heretofore undiscovered throughout all human history, but that’s just me. and so many of them just sound so unhealthy, like dreadsexual. i really wish people would work on expanding what not being asexual can mean and look like and i dont think there would be this drive to create these labels anymore. even demisexual which i think is probably the most mainstream conditional orientation, i think many people who have never heard of it and are perfectly content not to would describe the way they experience sexuality a similar way and just consider it normal. sexual attraction isn’t necessarily having your nethers set aflame upon first making eye contact with someone, it looks different for every person and it’s alright to just be how you are without making it part of your whole identity.

The End II. this is 2,200 words. if you read this far you’re a fucking mad l- *the academy cuts my mic line while looking directly at the camera like in the office*