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sleepymarmot · 1 year

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Phantom Thread (2017)

[Finally forcing myself to post the reviews of films I watched earlier this year. Saw this one on January 29th — almost exactly seven months ago! As usual, I also post the notes I took while watching, so scroll down a bit if you only want the review.]

Liveblog

The dress is pretty but it doesn’t sit well on her at all.

Damn that was quite a rude way to hit on a perfect stranger

Girl has no sense of self-preservation! What do you mean you get into the car of a customer you talked to for two minutes, after dark?!

Wow he put his fingers in the sauce, is that normal for rich British men or is that another creepy flirting method? That’s unhygienic, please use your own food for innuendo

Oh my god Cyril is immediately acting creepy also

“My job to give you some. (beat) If I choose to.” Dude lmao…

“You have the ideal shape. He likes a little belly.” Ok first of all, insane thing to say once again. Secondly, w h e r e

I like this dress even less. Weird skirt, looks uncomfortable.

Why did he bring his sister to their date

“How early?” “I’ll wake you.” …

The fabric conversation… Is this negging again or is he for real

I really thought Cyril would say “Maybe you’re being too fussy.” I guess Alma has not yet leveled up enough to get quoted verbatim

“But, please, don’t let her sit around waiting for you.” Ha, now Cyril is repeating Alma’s words without even knowing Does Cyril not drink from the kettle? That was kind of risky…

The wedding dress is ugly Oh, he said it himself, okay

Damn, all of these women have to work overtime because of this couple’s power plays

He went from “I want a divorce” to “We’re doing food poisoning based BDSM” awfully quickly

Wait where’s that text post about being poisoned by your wife... Was it inspired by this movie lol

Ok so we all agree Reynolds is autistic, with his routines and picky eating and misophonia

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Review

How come Tumblr has never mentioned this one to me? Feels silly to say “where have you all been hiding this” about a Best Picture nominee from five years ago, but still. This is literally a romance between “ok first of all i didnt "miss" the red flags i looked them and thought yeah thats sexy” and “love my terrible wife […] when we eat dinner ill smile and say “poison again ?” and she will shrug mischievously but we both know it is very much poison”!

General notes

Set design, cinematography and lighting were beautiful. In our age of murky shots, it’s remarkable to see a film that’s never underlit — sometimes even the opposite. Wasn’t a fan of the grain, though; the flickering is hard on the eyes, and in the copy I watched it looked like a low quality rip instead of a warm nostalgic analogue look that I assume was intended. The sound side was as good as the visuals: this might be the first time I actually noticed the sound design, and the score was nothing less than what I expected of Jonny Greenwood.

I have mixed feelings about the costuming. Some of the dresses are beautiful… but the two most important ones, the very first dress we see and the very first dress made for Alma, didn’t fit the wearers’ silhouettes, and looked stiff and uncomfortable.

Some of the dialogue, mostly at the beginning, felt unnatural; not sure if that’s just me not being a native speaker, since nobody else had the same complaint.

I didn’t get “never cursed”. Was that a statement Reynolds secretly made about himself, or a lucky charm referring to the princess’ marriage? Why did Alma rip the label out? Why did she join the seamstresses in the first place — did she feel guilty that they got caught in the crossfire and had to work overtime because of her, or did she just want to inspect the dress? I also don’t understand why people seem to adore the New Year’s Eve scene.

Do you think Alma told the doctor the whole story, or just talked about their relationship but left out the poisonings? I think it would be unwise to tell that to anyone lest they call the police…

In the sections below, I am going to talk negatively about Reynolds a lot. So I want to clarify first: I do sympathize with Reynolds in many ways; I wouldn’t want a new person to get in the way of my habits, and I would be unhappy with the surprise dinner too. And that’s also exactly why I don’t invite strangers to live with me and interrupt my routines then get mad at them for that, you know…

Filing this one as “Movies I wouldn’t want to watch or discuss with my mother even though there’s zero sex and nudity on screen”. I don’t know which part would be more awkward, the Freudian subtext or everything else…

The omelette

I’ve recently acquired a bad habit of reading too much about movies before watching. In this case it was probably a good thing, though: without the spoilers, I doubt I would have seen this any time soon, or managed to sit through the first hour. Luckily, I didn’t know the key element of the omelette scene, and still managed to have a proper first time viewing experience as it slowly dawned on me that Reynolds was aware of everything and the poisoning was going to be consensual this time.

That scene, and the follow-up interactions between Alma and Reynolds in the cottage (excluding the daydreaming flash-forwards, which I have mixed feelings about), were, unsurprisingly, my favorite part of the film. Many reviews quote Alma’s monologue (which, as I realize now, I might have originally encountered in a joke screenshot with zero context) or the line Reynolds says in response, so I’ll highlight some other things. The contrast between how simple and ordinary their actions are on the surface (cooking, serving food, eating, talking at the table) and how wild the meaning of these actions is; the mix between a duel, a dance and a negotiation that mostly consists of extremely mundane movements. The intense eye contact, the “I know that you know that I know”. How Alma put too much butter in his food and poured water too loudly for too long, and he accepted it without complaint but with the same calm and clarity as the poison. How they look genuinely happy, in love, and on the same page for the first time in the entire film. How easily he says “I love you”.

The omelette discourse

…And now that I’ve documented my immediate positive emotional response, it’s time for some overthinking and complaining. Perhaps everything I say below can be dismissed by saying “they’re both awful and deserve each other, that’s the point haha”, but that’s not a mode my brain can stay in for long. So please bear with me, or just skip this section.

Because no matter how exciting and cathartic that ending is, I can’t help but ask: what next? Is this experience going to let Reynolds finally grow out of his cycle of childlike helplessness and patriarchal despotism, instead of solidifying it? What are we supposed to infer — that the poisonings are going to be a regular occurrence from now on, or that they will become unneeded as Reynolds gradually mellows out? (The former would, realistically, have diminishing returns and practical complications like “people are going to start asking questions”, and the latter kind of goes against the celebratory kink-positive tone of the film’s grand finale.) Are we to believe that Alma’s poison is an antidote to Reynolds’s toxic masculinity, and that the more he submits to Alma the more he can tolerate her when things go back to normal, until the two of them grow to exist harmoniously?

I guess there is some evidence of that process already beginning. When Reynolds bounces back after the first poisoning, he’s slightly less mean to Alma than before the marriage. Alma’s poisoning is also less destructive the second time: consent, no collateral damage, not on the eve of an important deadline, she agrees to call the doctor.

I think the film wants the viewer to think that by the end, Reynolds and Alma’s mutual toxicity cancels itself out, and they manage to reach a harmonious equilibrium. That might be true of the first poisoning, where Alma retaliates against Reynolds’s abuse with some of her own. At the mid-point of the film, their vileness is pretty evenly matched. After that first poisoning, there’s a brief honeymoon period. Then Reynolds goes back to berating Alma, disregarding her feelings, and being dissatisfied with her presence in his life… And in response to Reynolds making her feel unloved, Alma does something that makes Reynolds feel loved. In the end, the score is still in Reynolds’s favor instead of being even. Even in Alma’s daydreams of their happily ever after, the closing monologue of the film, there is no mention of Reynolds changing to accommodate her, only of Alma changing to accommodate him: “I am older and I see things differently, and I finally understand you.”

Perhaps here the story structure and the balance of power between the characters are in conflict; it makes sense to end the film on the strong scene that changes the relationship in a major way — but that means the viewer doesn’t get to know if that change leads to improvement. We never learn if Reynolds eventually becomes a better partner; we only know that Alma is committed to him either way.

No matter how satisfying the couple’s new arrangement is to watch, I don’t see how it would help with the actual problems in their relationship. They are at different stages of life, and that exacerbates the natural differences between their temperaments. Reynolds doesn’t respect Alma as an equal; he insults her and allows others to insult her to his face. He has immense power and privilege over her socially and materially. He has a career that he loves and a devoted sister, but she has no life outside of him — no friends, family, interests, hobbies, income, etc. — and it’s hard to tell if it’s sexist writing, intended characterization, or both.

How is any of that going to be helped by them growing closer emotionally? You two found a love language you have in common and unlocked a new level of intimacy and mutual understanding, congratulations! Is it going to broaden Alma’s horizons and opportunities? Is it going to give Reynolds more progressive views and social awareness, enough to at least defend the honor of his lower class wife? Is he going to stop being emotionally abusive because he is emotionally fulfilled?

This would imply that Reynolds behaves the way he does simply because he is too high-strung and he just needs to take a chill pill. That the problems in their relationship can be reduced to him being a control freak, and once he gets accustomed to giving up control and learns to enjoy it, and then he’ll be a good partner. Sorry, but it’s hard for me to believe that one can tame, let alone fix someone by domming them.

The film seems to attempt a subversion of the patriarchal, hierarchical “artist/muse” “upper class/working class” “man/woman” power dynamics. But the characters do not dismantle that existing power imbalance: instead, they build something new and mutually satisfying on top of it. The film intentionally avoids the feminist wish fulfillment route: Alma doesn’t liberate herself, and she doesn’t even want to. It’s a fairy tale where the Beast doesn’t really become a better person, so the Beauty becomes a worse one to “match” him… but she’s still locked inside his castle. Alma doesn’t abandon the role of a muse, only adds another traditionally feminine role to it: mother. As Feminist Frequency’s review puts it, “Traditional, restrictive gender roles are not escaped; one set is just briefly swapped out for another.” Related: it might be just a consequence of Reynolds’s chosen trade, but the people Alma walks over in her bids for his attention are always women (Barbara Rose, the seamstresses).

Speaking of motherhood… What happens when the woman who likes to treat her husband like a baby gets a real baby? How does she split her time between them? Does she end up neglecting one of them, does that make Reynolds jealous or more abusive? Or will he by that time have gone through enough personal growth to be actually fit for fatherhood? An interview with an expert on Alma’s specific brand of abuse asks an even more worrying question: “I also wondered about the baby at the end, because those who engage in the behavior are likely to do it [again] when similar situations arise. So as the baby gains skills of emancipation, would Alma be equally threatened by that? I saw the baby and thought: Oh no, it may be at risk.”

Perhaps I am being overly cynical and uncharitable here because of who made the film. When an artist with a history of being cruel to his girlfriend writes a story about an artist being cruel to his girlfriend, and makes the fictional girlfriend abusive too, how can I not question it? This film was already very awkward to approach and enjoy as a fan of Fiona Apple, even regardless of its content.

The relationship development

Another thing that didn’t work very well for me in the final sequence is something that also applies to the other parts of the film: the internal logic of the couple’s relationship development. Reynolds goes from “This was a mistake, I can’t live like this, I want a divorce” to “Intoxicate me now 😏 With your lovin’ now 😍 I think I’m ready now 😳” in the space of one cut. These scenes are directly adjacent with no development between them. It makes sense from Alma’s perspective (“what an asshole he’s being, he needs to be poisoned ASAP”), but not from Reynolds’s.

On Alma’s side, though, there’s also a bit of weirdness: Alma to Reynolds: Don’t worry babe you’re not gonna die, I’ll take care of you <3 Alma to the doctor: If he died that’d be fine by me, we’d just meet in the afterlife ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I really can’t tell how I am supposed to take this, and which of the men she was lying to!

But let’s go back to the beginning of the film. Throughout the initial phase of the relationship, I was sure that Reynolds chose playful bullying as his flirting tactic consciously, but later in the film he showed so little self-awareness that I started to suspect he thought that was a normal way to show interest in a girl you just met. Either way, I was surprised that the way he condescended to her changed considerably when the seduction was over, though in retrospect it makes sense. On Alma’s side, there was a similar shift: she was far more welcoming of his insulting methods of flirting than I would expect from a self-respecting adult with a strong personality, and started rebelling when they settled into domesticity. Perhaps the domineering attitude of a handsome stranger showering her with attention was exciting at first, but when their relationship became routine, she quickly grew sick of being treated like a second class citizen in what has become her own home. (I wasn’t joking with the quote at the top of the review: it was my genuine and immediate impression that Alma goes along with the 342561 red flags exhibited during the very first day not because she’s a doormat but because she’s a freak.)

The love at first sight didn’t work for me, as well as the couple’s determination to stay together despite their incompatibility. I’m just not convinced that they actually love each other as entire human beings. They do love certain sides of each other. Reynolds loves the muse with the perfect measurements; the assistant totally devoted to him; the new woman (future) finally displacing his older sister (present) and mother (past) while, unlike them, also being his sexual partner. Alma loves the genius who makes her feel beautiful and important. They both love the persona the other assumes in a caretaking scenario. But is there a deeper connection? Do they actually love each other unconditionally, not just the aspects of each other that fulfill their needs? I’ve seen quotes in confirmation of that from PTA and Vicky Krieps — but the text itself provides no satisfactory evidence of that.

Obligatory comparisons with other films

I like to chain movies together because of themes or character dynamics they share. A couple of reviews for Crimes of the Future mentioned this film, and I decided to watch it next assuming that the similarities start and end with the relationship between an aging artist and a strong-willed younger woman. Turns out, these two films also make an interesting double feature because in some ways they’re an inverse of each other. Crimes of the Future and its main couple wear abnormality on their sleeve, but the central relationship is healthy and stable; Phantom Tread appears classy and family-friendly, hiding the more shocking aspects of the relationship beneath the luxurious surface. Both films are very sensual without the conventional sex scenes, but the approach is diametrically opposite: Crimes of the Future circumvents the content rating system, managing to put explicit scenes on screen just because they don’t contain specific banned body parts; Phantom Thread purposefully and conspicuously avoids showing any sex or nudity to preserve the aesthetic and make other scenes feel more charged. The protagonist’s old age is important in both: for Saul, it’s deteriorating health and conservatism towards newer ideologies and ways of interacting with and modifying one’s body; for Reynolds, it is the decades of habit and privilege making him internalize the belief that his own authority, taste, routines are something absolute and unquestionable.

A bigger surprise was the two films also shared the theme of food and eating. Crimes of the Future: eating as a fundamental bodily function, food as means of sustenance, and the politics of food; Phantom Thread: eating as pleasure, food as means of human connection, and the power dynamics of feeding and being fed. Both films go deeper than the surface: food is not just something that is served and tasted, but chewed, swallowed, and digested, which is not necessarily a smooth and uncomplicated process. Phantom Thread’s exploration of the food theme is probably the best one I’ve seen so far not just in film but in any media, and the only one I can think of where “food as love and sex” made sense for me.

Choosing The Favourite as the next film to watch after this one was a good choice too: they also had some things in common. There’s a young woman winning an older and more powerful person’s affection by taking care of them while they’re sick, there are toxic relationship, there’s even literal poison... The older parties are similarly spoiled and eccentric but very different in certain important ways, and the protagonists are even more alike.

People have mentioned this film’s similarities to Rebecca, which I haven’t read or watched; my own first thought was about Misery, which I also haven’t read or watched. Out of the films I’ve seen before, there’s Crimson Peak — someone made an entire Venn diagram for their similarities. I’ve also seen comparisons with a number of other films, mostly ones I haven’t seen. Is Phantom Thread more intertextual than the usual or is that just me?

#phantom thread #liveblogs and reviews #blah blah blah #maybe i should stop trying to write coherent reviews...#i wrote most of this right away but the task of making it readable has been weighing me down for months and drained so much energy from me

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mosviqu · 1 year

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huge engene yes true no lies were detected in ur statement!! they do be sounding like slam poetry but i love it ngl.-. DONT EVEN START DUDE I DONT THINK BELIFT WILL REMOVE IT CUZ THEY PROBABLY THOUGHT THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN BUT BOY WAS I PISSED WAKING UP TO KENGENES SENDING A TRUCK OR EHATEVER AND THEN SEEING THE SUNGTAROOKIES NEWS WAS THE WORST MORNING I HAD IN A WHILE LITERALLY DIDNT GO ON SOCIAL MEDIA FOR THAT DAY I WAS SO UPSET so yeah i saw it lmao😃 if i really try to i kind of see it but i would have never thought about it ngl but now i love it even more🤭 it do be screaming camp rock vibes!! and i'm so glad u like the album🥳😭

i hope zbone wont do noise music cuz i will be pissed oh god;-; SO TRUE BRING THE CUTE ONES BACK PLS!! idk if u talked about it or heard about them but the new hybe boy group does have happy vibes with no noise music but somehow i'm just so not vibing with it.-. i'm trying my best to do so cuz we have 3(!!!!) 03liners in there lmao

i think my minecraft addiction shows here as well but i would be so happy to find that out lmao i think i would probably have the same reaction when i found out giselle made lps videos when she was younger (although idk if that was actually her) i so understand the wilbur brain rot!! YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND WAS A CULTURAL RESET IM HAPPY HE LIKED IT

no cuz same i stared at the video for a while💀 i think seventeen atp will just remind me of u cuz i saw dino pink hair and i also immediately thought of u upon seeing him!! it would be so great if they did the tiktok part of it atleast wahhhh

I COULD NEVER DO A BRITISH ACCENT AND THAT MAKES ME SO SAD but im glad u are living the best british life in ur head sometimes lmao😌 we will see but it will stay like this for a while till i figure out something more okay lmao (liebestraum anon💕💗💞)

AHAHAH nothing bad with slam poetry At. All. 😌😌 ngl i do get where youre coming from, they must have expected this reaction. I am honestly glad they kept it despite the trucks and all 😭 but are those fans not embarrassed. like bestie......get a life 😭😭😭😭 dont even mention sungtaro tho bc i am still mad and heartbroken over this 🤠 they really debuted them....for no reason..? oh lord. im burning the SM building down as we speak!

LITERALLY like noise music had its era but i think we can put it behind us now.....please.... like some of the 4th gen debuts are a whole CIRCUS 😭😭 AND I DID TALK BAOUT BOYNEXTDOOR ACTUALLY AHAHA i listened to one of their songs and i actually vibed with it so hard ive been waiting for a fresh concept. THREE 03 LINERS ARE U KIDDING ME now if this doesnt lure me into stanning 💔

GISELLE DID WHAT NOW ???? I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT THAT 😭😭😭😭😭 iconic. sO iconic. Your new boyfriend was a cultural reset but i remember my brother showing it to me before i knew of wilbur and lovejoy and i was like what the actual FUCK is this.

jihoon had us masmerized 🤡🤡 omgomg thats so sweet actually 🥺 svt are one of my ults hhh i recently got back super into them hhh also dino reminding u of me as he should!! boyfriend ❤😌 still waiting for treasure super challenge altho i think we are not getting it 😔 at least i got cix seunghun version to ease the pain💔

NO BC ME NEITHER my account is like the weirdest mix of everything bc i taught myself english pretty much,, so my source of accent is whatever media im obsessed with in that moment 😭😭😭 but my british accent sounds very bad thats why it always stays in my head only❤

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obscureoperations · 3 years

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Omg another person w verbal stims omg!!!!!

It's so nice to meet others like me 😭😭😭😭

Omg now that is amazing xd I unfortunately never saw the whole commentary bc it's hard for me to focus on what he says for so long (you know, good ol auditory processing issues... ), but the piano and the popcorn and the pastrami sandwiches part is just fucking beautiful xddd

I will admit that so far my weirdest vocal stim was literally "Bagpuss likes it rough" ... and i dont even know what a Bagpuss is (it's from a video about tics and stuff and i think my brain just likes how it sounds xd )

And actually I have a Jess stim as well! mostly bc she is my fictional crush

"Guys! It's him again! The MoanAh!"

With accents I just really like doing a foreign accent, I mainly do american, some british and german, and I tend to use these in speaking as well bc of masking, but when i'm not masking or just speaking smth that isn't rehearsed in my brain before I have a plain hungarian accent (I used to hate my hungarian accent and now it's the only thing thats keeping me alive... )

(bc yeah i find it hard in every language to talk immediately before making a plan in my head, and that's why even in hungarian my speech is just full of language errors)

One of my fav things is to imitate Misfortune's voice from Little Misfortune, bc that's one of my fav games and she's my comfort character (I relate to her a bit more than anyone should), and I love making dubs of Fran Bow when i'm playing it

(I would actually love to do voice acting as a profession tbh)

I also did that to every game I played that has a dialogue (like Sally Face), and I can still imitate and remember the voice of the crazy painter dude in Layers Of Fear...

(also fun fact that Sal Fisher is the only boy who im attracted to, and im not ashamed of it a bit... I actually discovered that I was a lesbian when I accidentally called myself a lesbian once, and I didn't wanna believe it, but then I realised how being attracted to all women and Sal Fisher isn't bisexuality xd)

17 year old me was like "I like women very much... and Sal... oh my god I am totally bi" xd

And thats on internalized homophobia :/

I love seeing other people like this, and I'm so happy we are coming together in the end ❤️🍒

Thank you

(shit i ended up rambling again xd)

This is fantastic... it’s cool to see mutuals bonding over niche topics!

*sets up table full of snacks and refreshments*

I am here for this dialogue.

You said you don’t even know what a bagpuss is!😂😂 I guess if the word rolls neatly off the tongue. Some things are just fun to say.

It’s fun to mimic accents sometimes, but at some point it gets to be purely unintentional. The way you hear words in film or media tends to stick with you.. and soon starts to come out in day to day life. The way you phrase certain words. I don’t want to get into the nomenclatures ..but no. I am not Canadian in the slightest! I’ve heard that in real life. *facepalm*

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dustinchris · 5 years

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dude im starting to foam at the mouth at tmr. whats ur characterisation of the mains i need to hear the tea

when i first read this i was like MY characterization? but eye didn’t do anything.. and then realized james dashner and whoever wrote the screenplays didn’t really do anything either so.

i feel like (much like Avatar, 2009, Oh, Wouldn’t You Know) tmr focuses more on building a world than building its characters, now i don’t really mind this as i happen to be a fan of Places and Things, but i AM annoyed bc memorable characters = relevancy and thats a setback for what i’m trying to do here

i’m literally not even saying the characters are bad i like them but they needed rebranding. if thomas had some sort of unique physical distinction synonymous with who he is and his backstory, destiny, and legacy maybe we’d have a maze runner theme park at universal studios rn you know.

ok ok but the funny thing abt tmr is it’s basically a teenage boy hivemind..... the only thing they CAN think about most of the time is how to not die, they don’t seem to individually represent anything, and they all have their fucking minds wiped so there’s nothing about their past to shape them or motivate them or anything like that.. in this post apocalyptic hellscape the core goals of the heroes AND the villains are just going to be about survival and while that’s not uninteresting, none of that makes it easy to create distinctive characters. ahdjdkkd sorry i’ll stop myself and talk more about that later and now i will actually try to chat abt the tmr characters !!

okay so i mentioned none of them having backstory which is a lie because THOMAS, hello, actually has a backstory, and it is completely wasted on him which is so funny to me. like he’s a very in-the-now person who willfully ignores the fact that he has a past and honestly that doesn’t matter bc it barely affects his current reality at all besides people from WCKD already knowing who he is. like i strongly think if thomas was just some random he would still do everything the same and everyone would still be trying to kill him. thomas (alright besides his magic blood i’ll give you that) is not actually special but it’s like HE is the only one who knows that. everyone’s like why is thomas so special why is thomas different, but i think (again, besides the blood) he’s genuinely not, he’s literally just stupid. it’s implied maybe he used to be really smart but that obviously didn’t work out for him because now he’s just a newborn calf who’s dumb and brave and impulsive and it WORKS !!!! he’s naturally very curious, which is why he’s a good protagonist for exploring our fun settings and (more importantly) another reason why it’s SO funny he does not care to know about his old life . and thomas is a circumstantial leader. i think most YA protags in things like this don’t want to be the leader but are good at it once they try and usually NEED to be the leader for whatever reason. thomas leads when it makes sense for him to lead, like when they need to take immediate action or someone needs to yell “RUN!!!!” otherwise the leadership role goes to someone who is capable like alby or minho or newt or if they’re lucky enough to find literally any grown up who isn’t evil it’ll go to them. i think it’s nice that thomas pushes when something’s important to him but otherwise is fine with whatever he’s given. if one were to use cats 2019 terms i would say most of the time thomas is victoria if she was the jellicle choice but he’s jennyanydots when he’s alone (he sits and sits and sits and sits)

i think it’s significant TERESA was the only one who got her memories back and in the movies she doesn’t really become a person until she finds her purpose from those memories and her former self’s morals. thomas was like “yeah there’s no way i’m fucking with WCKD again because they suck. they put me and my friends in a killer maze. i ain’t reading all those memories. i’m happy for me tho. or sorry that happened.” but teresa needed to know and needed to justify her choices. if thomas doesn’t think he’s different, teresa definitely thinks she is! and she is unique, once she gets her memories she’s SMART AGAIN she’s a teen scientist wunderkind which i will never stop thinking about like how does she really feel about thomas who she KNOWS has lost all intelligence on PURPOSE and is on the right side of history because of it. what teresa did wasn’t even that bad i guess she had noble intentions but she betrayed the boys and that is not on. teresa is what always sunny would call “the useless chick” for most of the time in this fun little series but her shining moment is when she entered the maze and was like IMMA START THROWING ROCKS AT ANYONE WHO IS NOT DYLAN O’BRIEN (a very accurate and impressive representation of a teenage girl). and can i mention the dynamic between thomas and teresa would be a lot more interesting if they were twins. it’s the drama of the last of your family making a decision completely opposite your own instead of some random coworker you have no real chemistry with

BRENDA is just like Cool Action Girl i have no thoughts on her but i don’t dislike her. i don’t think we like ever see her interact with the whole maze group but they’d all be scared of her because she’s not fucking around and i think she would be mean if needed. she’ll fit in

this is the part of the tumblr post where i get to the best characters but have nothing to say about them 😔

MINHO is too cool for this series. i’m confident every single one of these teens is in love with him and he knows none of them are good enough. in cats terms he’s munkustrap because without him everything would be a mess but he’s got the range for the rum tum tugger. minho is the one who says “guys why don’t we just say fuck like normal people” after a week of everyone saying stuff like “shuckface” to which gally or any other rule abiding freak is like okay that’s IT time out. get on top of the fridge. and he screams THIS MAZE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE

newt :-) NEWT is mr mistoffelees in cats 1998 (NOT 2019) because he’s gay, he has the panache of a cat twirling around in a light up jacket shooting lightning out of his paws, and he’s saying things like “the rum tum tugger is a terrible whore” to RTT’s face and getting away with it. i love when he asks thomas if he still likes teresa and gets in his face about it and screams like what was that even about that was homosexual activity. i really love newt.... like can i talk about his fashion choices again the scarf and fingerless gloves in scorch trials even tho it’s a thousand degrees he looks good. and the shearling jacket in the death cure literally STYLIN... it’s very important that newt is the only british person in this whole thing i think. what’s up with that. i love it. he’s the most likely to think “wow this glade thing is kinda like love island” but the least likely to say those words out loud

#okay wow that was a lot i dont even know what i said at this point #tmr #x #asks #anon

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bbrandy2002 · 5 years

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Two Men and a Baby Part 7

Not your typical Royal Romance series....crazier.

TRR/TRH gang.

Warning: Language

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Part 5 Part 6

@carabeth @emceesynonymroll @katedrakeohd @sirbeepsalot @romanticatheart-posts @rafasgirl23415 @drakensword

[[MORE]]

Part 7

" 911, what's your emergency?"

"Yeah, um, I have a guy in the back of my carriage who got his trouser snake caught in his zipper."

"Sir, is this a joke?"

"No, but, this guy sure wishes it were"

"How serious is this?"

"Let's just say, it was the 'frank..and...beans', then something popped, now its just the frank."

Poor Bertrand, all he wanted was to give his sweet Savannah a wonderful birthday. Now he's stuck in the back of a carriage with his manhood on the line.

He is aware of the news reports of a wild boar attack on Contess Madeleine earlier tonight and that said boar is still holding itself hostage inside his estate. He has no idea if his son is okay, but, has no doubt his brother is somehow responsible for the carnage that has taken place this evening.

Hospital ER

Riley and Olivia sit in Maxwell's room, waiting for him to return from radiology. They had only seen him for a few seconds before he was taken for x-rays, but, he appeared in good spirits; then again, when is he not.

They were both intriqued to find out what he meant by "the demon pig", that supposedly caused his predicament. It was surprising to hear Maxwell describe any animal with such disdain, but, apparently he met one he wasn't prepared to describe as a "life changing experience" in fond terms.

Riley jumped up from her seat, "Maxwell, you're back!"

Maxwell was wheeled back into his room on a stretcher, but, he seemed to be uncharacteristically subdued now.

"How is he? Is it broken?" Riley asked the nurse.

"He has a hair line fracture and will be down for several weeks, but, we don't expect complications. Someone will be in shortly to put a cast on him. Also, congratulations on the baby your majesty", the nurse stated before exiting.

That was the fourth time today a random person congratulated her.

"Why does everyone keep congratulating me on a baby? I wonder if it was the bean burrito I ate for dinner last night?", she questioned while patting her bloated tummy.

"You do look a little puffy today." Olivia observed.

"Thanks", Riley said while rolling her eyes, "I have been trying to drink more water and..."

"HELLLLOO!!" Maxwell interrupted in an annoyed tone, "In case you hadn't noticed, I'm here."

"Oh, I'm sorry Maxwell, how're you feeling?", she asked with concern.

"Like a demon pig attacked me, without warning, without cause, out of no where...it was a sneak attack Riley." he began to shake his fist furiously and yelling, "damn you demon pig.....damn you to hell!"

Olivia and Riley tried to calm him down. "Maxwell, Maxwell, shhhh, you've got to calm down." Riley pleaded, "you're going to disturb the other patients."

"Yes you are", Madeleine chimed from a wheel chair at the door with an icy stare.

All three turned their heads in her direction simultaneously. To see Madeleine sitting there with a neck brace on, a black eye, messy blonde hair and a ripped green dress; it was shocking and amusing to say the least.

"What the hell happened to you? Olivia asked with her signature scowl.

"Oh, what happened to me?", Madeleine asked with a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes while patting her chest, "ask Maxwell and his quote 'damn demon pig'."

Olivia and Riley turned to Maxwell trying to make sense of what both were referring to as the demon pig.

"Maxwell, I'm two seconds away from breaking your other leg. What happened?", Olivia spat out.

Maxwell took in a deep breath and recalled the events of this evening.

"Okay...Okay, so, yesterday morning, I was attending Zeke and Penelope's outdoor animal exhibition in the capitol. Zeke was giving me kind of a private tour before all the guest arrived. We came upon a stall that he said had a wild pig. I thought he meant it was a party animal, wild like me, which, would be an awesome addition to the next Beaumont Bash. I asked if I could have it and he said no, that it was just too wild for me. I thought, nonsense, nothing is too wild for me. I just had to have this pig. So, when I seen Penelope a little later, I offered to buy it from them. She was a little hesitant at first, but, she agreed after I forged a letter from Bastien saying Liam requested this particular pig at the next Beaumont Bash. In exchange for her cooperation, he would emcee her next Dog Fashion Show."

"Maxwell! That's sick", Riley blurted.

"Yeah Maxwell, what made you think she would just go along with that?" Asked Olivia.

"I wasn't sure she would, but, she does seem to respond well to requests from Bastien, so I assumed it would work this time too", he replied.

Madeleine spoke up, "so let me get this straight, Penelope, can't stop talking about her poodles, Penelope, just gave you a wild boar?"

"Oh, no, I had to pay for him", he said.

"How much?" Olivia asked.

"A box of dog treats", he replied.

Riley bent over in her chair, arms resting on her knees, covering her face while shaking her head, "Unbelievable....I'm afraid to ask, but, how did you get him out of there and to the estate?"

"Well, that part was tricky. Penelope told me I had to keep him enclosed or he would go wild. Well, I wanted to make sure I kept his wildness in until the Beaumont Bash. I figured it would just build up inside of him and he'd really let loose at the party", he chuckled, "anyway, I saw Gladys there and thats when I got the idea for her to cause a disruption..."

"Hold up, Gladys...my majordomo, Gladys, helped you with this?" Riley asked stunned.

"Kind of, see I knew she had cleared the hallways when Anton and his minions kidnapped you and Olivia. I also knew she had the hot's for Bertrand, so, I told her if she would create a distraction for me, I would set her up with him".

"Maxwell, your brother is engaged", Riley stated.

"You are a lot more evil than I ever gave you credit for Maxwell; this is really elaborate for you", Olivia remarked with astonishment.

"Well, Im not proud of myself, but, greed causes people to do evil things" he replied.

"Hold up" Madeleine would interject, "So Penelope knew about this? That little....I just saw her not more than an hour ago at the Beaumont Estate, she interviewed me and everything, she never mentioned her hand in any of this".

Maxwell replied, "I would say not, Penelope's a master at keeping secrets while seemingly innocent of her involvement. She's a sweet girl though".

Riley just continued to shake her head.

"What happened next Maxwell?" Madeleine asked.

He took another deep breath, "Okay, well Gladys started screaming and running around the exhibits. Then she unlatched the pen holding the ducks. They started to scatter. Zeke and his assistants started to chase after the ducks and security went after Gladys. I grabbed a large cage and Gertrude ran right in. Penelope helped me carry him back to the limo and I took him home."

"Okay, how did you break your leg?" Riley asked.

"Welp, the driver helped me unload Gertrude and get him in the backyard. I knew I had to build an enclosure to keep his wildness in, so, I started building a small barn for him to live in until the bash. It didn't take very long to build at all. When it was finished, I opened the cage door to let him inside his new dwellings, but, he ran inside and immediately jumped out the window."

"You put a window in it?" Madeleine questioned.

"Yeah, but, I must've not built it high enough and I didn't put a covering over it. Jumped right out of it" he said while use his hand to motion the jump, "I started to run right after, I swear, I heard it say 'kill Maxwell'. It attacked so quickly, I never had a chance. I stepped on a rock and my foot went sideways, causing me to fall. It rammed me a few times, before running off. Then Drake came out to help me, but, it attacked him also. Let's just say, demon pig-2, Maxwell and Drake-0."

All three women sat in silence. There were no words they could think of in that moment to express what they just heard.

"Does Bertrand and Savannah know about this?" Riley asked.

"I don't think so", he replied.

Riley took out her phone and sent a text, letting them know Maxwell was in the hospital and Bartie was there with Drake.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom....

Drake and Liam were still locked in arms, literally, fighting over an ascot.

"Let go of my ascot Drake."

"Liam, he has to have something covering his bottom until we get a diaper."

"Then give him your denim shirt!"

"What?" Drake gasped, "take it back Liam."

Bartie, who was still lying on the changing table naked, took this opportunity to settle the issue once and for all.

"What the hell!" Drake shouted as his denim shirt was getting soaked.

"Sir Walker, I do believe you have a spot on your shirt", Liam said with a British accent and a laugh.

Drake looked at Liam, "I hope you're happy now. He just pissed all over my good denim shirt."

Liam raised an eyebrow, "Drake, that's the only denim shirt you have, or wear for that matter."

"Why do you think it's my favorite?" he remarked sadly.

Bastien cleared his throat, "Your majesty, need I remind you, we can't leave this bathroom with a naked baby. It may be in everyone's interest for you to hand over the ascot."

Liam thought about Bastien's words for a moment, then looked around to see if there was anything else that could be used as a diaper. Wadded up hand towels, too flimsy, Drakes white shirt, no, he would just be shirtless in a hospital, his own socks, no, too small. He let out a loud huff, reached up and removed his ascot.

Drake reached out to grab it, but, Liam continued to cling onto it. Drake pulled harder, Liam pulled back even more.

"Give me the fucking ascot Liam!"

Liam pouted then handed Drake the ascot.

Drake looked Liam in the eyes and said, "Dude, you need therapy."

Drake began fashioning a diaper out of Liam's ascot. "Aha, perfect fit".

"What do we do about that disgusting car seat?" Liam asked.

"After all this, just leave it in here. When Bastien opens the door, we make a run for it."

Drake picked up Bartie and he and Liam stood at the door, readying themselves for the getaway. The bathroom was absolutely disgusting, shit was on the floor, the walls, the trash can, not to mention, the sink had an exploded diaper full of diarrhea in it. Liam couldn't risk someone seeing the King of Cordonia coming out of that room.

"Alright, on my count, Bastien will open the door and we will run as fast as we can."

"Hang on", Liam said as he removed his suit jacket and covered the top of his head so no one would recognize him. "Okay, ready".

"There's no turning back now. 1...2...3...Go!"

What hijinx await in Part 8?

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