#and is all but isn’t withholding things a kid wants in punishment normal parenting?

[rotationalsymmetry]

I had some thoughts about gender as I was trying to fall asleep last night. (And I did the responsible thing and prioritized sleep over posting, and I still want to post now even though it is later and my brain rarely holds on to motivation for this sort of thing longer than whenever the next distraction is. Miracles sometimes happen.)

So, nail polish. I like nail polish. But I started getting into nail polish as an adult, and there’s sort of a social expectation that when you’re a kid or maybe a college student, nail polish can just be about fun and personal enjoyment, but by the time you start holding down jobs nail polish should look “professional” or be absent. Relatively subtle (boring) colors, no chips, etc.

Anyways, as somebody new to nail polish (and tbf, most of the time someone who wasn’t “employed”), my nails often didn’t actually look very good, and I was more interested in having fun and experimenting and doing artsy things than in it looking, well, polished. Still am. I got dark blue nails with holo topcoat right now. Topcoat that got smudged a lot while it was drying.

Early on I decided I was going for “interesting” rather than “perfect”, and that’s spared me a lot of stress when something goes wrong. As it often does.

I think gender can be looked at the same way. There’s different ways to do gender, and one is about being polished and looking good while staying within societal rules. And one is about making your own damn self happy. And while people just don’t start identifying as trans unless they’re giving a lot of weight to their own happiness over fitting in, right, this is actually mostly independent of being trans vs cis, cis people also have a choice about whether they want to experience their gender primarily in terms of measuring up to societal standards or primarily in terms of pleasing themselves.

You can experience gender a la carte, based on what does and doesn’t make you happy.

For guys, this can look like: am I a sports fan kinda guy or a nerdy kind of guy or both or neither, am I a car appreciation guy or not, how much do I care about being a husband and/or father and what kind do I want to be, how much do I care about things like how I dress and how my home is arrayed, and if I do care do I prefer a fancier aesthetic or a more casual aesthetic or something else, what do I want to do about hair on my face and about hair on my head, what is my relationship to conflict and violence going to be, what is my relationship to my emotions going to be, what is my relationship to my own health going to be, what is my relationship to relationships going to be.

For gals, this can look like: maybe I like long skirts but not sexy mini skirts, maybe I like mini skirts and girlboss feminism but don’t expect me to cook, maybe I love cooking but will not smile at strangers or refuse to interrupt when everyone else is doing it, maybe I barely even know what mascara is but am more interested in forming connections with other human beings than with career success or in looking out for #1.

(And this can get really complicated when people straddle cultures, classes, even just different families with different understandings of what men and women should be like. Sometimes you have two immigrants from the same culture marry each other and one assumes they’ll live as much like they’re grandparents as possibly and one figures the best thing about not being in the old country is you don’t have to do that any more. While pretty much everyone’s got concepts of male and female, none of them entirely match up with each other.)

And it’s not an accident that a lot of feminism is about… having women and girls take on more traditionally guy roles. More on girls playing sports and women climbing the corporate ladder than boys playing with dolls and men figuring out their feelings and working on their communication skills and caring for their one children. One of these is more in tune with the life-destroying priorities of capitalism than the other, and when you try to swim across a current you get swept downstream.

I think there’s often a strong connection between what individual people need most in the depth of their souls, and what is best for people as a whole, and one of the most important tools of societal repression is alienating people from their heart’s desires.

Which means one of the most important tools of collective liberation is reconnecting with your body and your feelings and what you want most in your life.

I didn’t get at first what queer stuff had to do with the rest of it. But that’s it, isn’t it? Not everybody is gay or trans or etc, but everybody does have some way in which who they are, fundamentally, doesn’t match who they’re supposed to be, and that difference and what you do with it matters.

[faeriejukyung]

True Beauty’s Gaping Mother Wound

*disclaimer*: I understand that all the listed traits are things which are often very common in Asian households, and it may seem that rather than being concerning, these are just a part of Asian culture. That is why, I feel that it’s necessary for me to make it clear that I am, in fact, Asian (Indian to be specific), and parental abuse is something that is extremely normalized here. As someone who has experienced it firsthand, I want to say that just because something is common/normal, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is correct. If you or anyone you know is in a situation like that, it’s very very important to speak out. And it’s not your fault, i know it’s easier to believe that way but it’s really not. We deserve to be in a loving environment, regardless of what culture we are born in.

Throughout the drama, Jukyung’s mother shows many traits of an abusive mother. I have been able to outline 4 of them. I don’t mean to write her off as an evil character,, because overall she is well intentioned, and just like any other mom, she does love Jukyung. This is shown in episode 8 too, where she shows remorse for her actions. That however, doesn’t justify her abusive behavioral patterns in any way. Because we can see how badly it affects Jukyung, her self esteem and her overall view of herself.

-

Act 1: “I’m going to kill you today and go to jail” -- Physical Violence.

Throughout the series, we see Jukyung's mother being very violent. But one scene which particularly stood out to me was the scene where she finds out about Jukyung's dad getting scammed. (in episode 1). While it is true that her dad caused a huge financial loss to the family, and anyone would feel angry in a situation like that, it is also true that there is never a good reason to physically abuse someone.

After hearing the news, Jukyung's mom is overcome by anger. It's completely okay to feel frustrated, but the way she violently jumped at her husband, clearly intentioned to hurt him, and the way she needed to be held back by juyoung and heekyung highlights her abusive nature. And this isn't a one time thing where she momentarily lost control of herself. She constantly shows similar behavioural traits throughout the drama.

In the scene where we see Jukyung's mom and dad together properly for the first time, their relationship dynamic is established. He's meekly massaging her shoulders while she orders him around. Their is an obvious power imbalance in the relationship, and the way Jukyung's dad cowers in fear around Jukyung's mom is a proof of that.

-

Act 2: "Why would you kill my precious son?" -- Conditional Love.

We see examples of Jukyung’s Mom’s conditional love in the kdrama AND in the webtoon. Conditional love is when a parent or a parental figure makes their child compete for love. They withhold their affection until the kid acts in ways that are desirable to them, and if the kid fails to do so, the parent often punishers them through different methods. This is their way of maintaining control over their children.

Jukyung’s Mom’s conditional love manifests itself in the form of favoritism towards her eldest daughter Heekyung, who’s not only conventionally beautiful but also very smart and has a high paying job, and towards her youngest child and only son, Juyoung, who is also written to be very attractive. Both Juyoung and Heekyung have gifts that Jukyung does not posses -- beauty and brains. The conditions that are established in order to attain their mother’s affection are getting good grades at school, and being conventionally attractive, which is why Jukyung often gets the shorter end of the stick

In the scene where we are first meet Heekyung is the drama, their mom’s affection towards her is very evident.

This is shown in the webtoon too.

She displays this favoritism towards Juyoung too, and even more so. In episode 1 where Jukyung tries makeup for the first time, and gets ridiculed by him for doing a bad job at it, she naturally feels angry and yells at him, “do you want to die?!”, but instead of telling Juyoung to stop, their mother yells at Jukyung for yelling at Juyoung (”why would you kill my precious son? why?”). It’s already very evident that Juyoung has picked up the habit of constantly taunting Jukyung for her face from his mom. In the webtoon, when Jukyung decides that she wants to pursue makeup arts and asks for her mom’s support and fees for academy, her mom flat-out refuses, saying that they don’t have enough money. However as we find out later, money wasn’t the problem, because she had enough money to send Juyoung to a cram school for acting.

I find it hard to believe that any good parent would constantly compare their children and pit them against each other like this. In the webtoon and the kdrama, it is made clear that Juyoung doesn’t have particularly good grades either, but he doesn’t have to face his mother’s wrath by the virtue of being good looking. Jukyung on the other hand, does not have any redeeming qualities.

-

Act 3: “I’m going to throw all your makeup away” --Excessive Anger.

Another sign of parental abuse is display of excessive anger. It’s usually used as an intimidation tactic to keep the child in line. Sometimes, it can simply happen because they lose control of themselves. Either way, parents who get angry more often than what is supposed to be normal, and hurt their children (physically or verbally) in the midst of their anger, repeatedly, are abusive. I feel like I don’t even need to elaborate on this one. Jukyung’s Mom is angry during half of her scenes. And the way she acts upon that anger crosses the limit too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to express your the way you feel, but the way Jukyung’s Mom does it, is extremely unhealthy and hurtful to others around her. Whether she’s jumping on Jukyung’s dad or talking down on Im Jukyung, she’s very inconsiderate of how her anger affects others. She almost always expresses herself in an extremely volatile way.

Jukyung described makeup as a hopeful light opening up a new life for her. There’s even a whole music segment of her discovering the powers of makeup, characterized by pastel and bubblegum tones, and the segment has a magical feel to it. Suffice to say that makeup brought an almost magical kind of hope and optimism to her life. In episode 6, Jukyung's Mom goes to her school to get her report card. When she sees her low grades, she gets so angry that she threatens to throw away her makeup, without once considering why Jukyung is so attached to it. In my eyes, she's actually very similar to Soojin's dad who also uses intimidation and physical violence to keep his daughter in line. If we put the same background music for the scenes where we see Jukyung's Mom threatening her, as the ones where Soojin's dad abuses her, they'd practically be identical. The only difference is that the show often plays Jukyung's Mom's behavior as a joke.

In episode 7, after seeing that Jukyung didn't improve as much as she wanted her to, she actually threw away all her makeup. Even though Jukyung did try, and did improve, it still wasn't enough for her mom. Jukyung's restlessness after not seeing her makeup on her table was palpable through the screen. Finding out that her mother threw all her makeup away sort became her breaking point. We see her yell at her mother and express her feelings for the first time.

I think it's important to note that Jukyung, who's already finds it very tough to reach out to her courageous side, was inspired by this incident to stand up to her mom, to express her outrage. Saying that makeup meant a lot to her is an understatement.

-

Act 4: "What's the point of looking beautiful with all that makeup on if you're ugly underneath?" -- Verbal Abuse.

We all get into arguments with our parents from time to time, and I’m sure we’ve all been yelled at by them at some point. Verbal abuse however, is not something that is normal, and the two shouldn’t be confused. A parent who constantly humiliates their child, yells and screams at them, talks down on them is in simple terms, an abuser. 

In episode 1, when Jukyung tries makeup on for the first time and goes to school, she gets ridiculed by her bullies and her classmates. Crestfallen, she returns back home after school and goes to her mother for reassurance. Instead of providing that, her mother ridicules her even more and calls her makeup “Ghost Makeup”. This is something abusers often do. Under the guise of teasing the victim, they often attack the victim’s self esteem, appearance etc, to make them feel insecure and to maintain their position of power over them. Jukyung’s mother isn’t very different from those bullies who told Jukyung that she was ugly and made her feel like she could never amount to anything. 

Another example that irks me a lot is from episode 3, when Jukyung’s Mom is chewing her out for being late, and suddenly the conversation turns to cosmetics and makeup. This is also one of the traits of verbal abuse. Instead of arguments surrounding the basic issue, they branch out and turn into character assassination. Her mom accuses Jukyung of wasting all her time on makeup instead of studying, even when Jukyung clarifies that she got late because she missed her bus, not because she was out buying cosmetics. But her mom doesn't listen and says to her, “What’s the point of looking beautiful with all that makeup on when you’re still ugly underneath?” 

Jukyung’s face after hearing her own mother say that was heartbreaking. Unfortunately, this type of mother-daughter relationship dynamic isn’t something  that is rare. Mothers frequently project their own insecurities on their daughters and put them down. Jukyung’s Mother’s behavior explains her self esteem issues, it gives an insight about where her insecurities really stem from. Sometimes our abuser’s thoughts and image of us start maligning our own self image. Frequently hearing them tell us that we are worthless, and that no one will ever marry us or love us, makes us believe that we are in fact, worthless and incapable of being loved unless we change something about ourselves. We frequently get an insight into how Jukyung thinks of herself throughout the drama. 

“It’s not my fault that I was born dumb” (In episode 7, after finding out that her mother threw away her makeup.)

“You know that I’m messed up” (In episode 2, referring to her face, while asking Lee Suho to keep her bare face a secret)

The drama is yet to end so I don’t want to completely write Jukyung’s Mother off as an abuser. I hope she becomes a better mom in the show, I really do. Because Jukyung deserves a loving mother. And Jukyung's mom does in fact have a few redeeming qualities, however, simply love and caring isn’t enough, you need mutual respect, reassurance and effort in each every relationship. We know that Jukyung’s mother is also often labelled as an ugly woman, and she believes that she could only get by through studying well. (“It’s going to be okay as long as you study well” - episode 1). In a world where a woman either has to a exceptionally beautiful to be considered worthy, or be exceptionally intelligent and professional lest she isn’t blessed by beauty, it’s very easy to internalize self hatred and direct it on to other individuals (especially if those individuals are your children). That is why i genuinely find myself rooting for Jukyung’s mother and hoping for a character development arc -- because i understand where she comes from, and because i can empathize with her. 

-

Fin.

[ketzwrites]

Angst Prompt 33 "I cant look at you right now" #makeitangstyAF

Anonymous said:could i maybe prompt u to write about magnus and alec discussing the uprising and the circle after the lightwood dinner? i kind of need alec to hear about it from another perspective and how horrible time it was for magnus. u r the best!

Here we go, nonnies. I thought those two went well together.

Kind of mature content. As in, they had sex. Available on AO3.

33. “I can’t look at you right now.” + Discussing the Uprising

Magnus closed his eyes, catching his breath. He could still feel the effects of Alec all over his body. There were sweat and cum to be cleaned, but Magnus could only focus on Alec’s taste in his mouth. And that was saying a lot after the dinner they had.

Everything had gone more or less well. Once Maryse left, Alec and he had taken out the dishes. Manually, as if to wrap up the night. There had been a comfortable silence between them, one of a mission accomplished. Alec had been a mess before his mother’s arrival, but Magnus had to admit the whole deal had left him feeling anxious too. A successful night had lifted both of their spirits for sure.

Maybe it had been that rush of sweet relief that lead the night to something more then. Not that Magnus thought they needed a reason to make love. Between morning showers and late-night conversations, Alec and he never sought out excuses. But, this time, the sex felt like it had a celebratory touch to it. Alec had never been so giggly or light. He seemed to glow, a smile never leaving his lips. It touched his eyes and it made Alec want to make Magnus laugh too.

But, now that they were just laying beside one another, hands barely touching, the smile had left Alec’s expression. There was something else there instead, a grievance Magnus couldn’t quite place.

He frowned, growing worried. “What is it, Alexander?”

Alec blinked and seemed to return to reality. He smiled gently at Magnus and nodded, looking young with his hair disheveled and lips pink. “Nothing. I was just thinking, but it isn’t important.”

“It is,” Magnus insisted, arching an eyebrow. “Especially if it makes you frown after what we just did. It is also slightly offensive.”

That made Alec chuckle and he linked their hands together. “No, it has nothing to do with that. I was thinking about something my mother said.”

Magnus arched both his eyebrows then. “Now, that is definitely insulting. You’re lucky you’re very expressive and so I know sleeping with me didn’t bore you into thinking about your mother in bed.”

Alec rolled his eyes and moved to face Magnus. “Gross.” He pulled Magnus’ hand to lay over his own waist. “And dramatic. As if I can think of anything else but you when we touch.” Alec smirked and moved closer, his eyes shining with second intentions.

But Magnus stopped that by placing a kiss on Alec’s forehead. “Come on, now. I saw the look on your face. Something is bothering you and I want to know what it is.” He didn’t want to bring out Maryse’s punishment, though Magnus assumed that was it. Alec was much too young to have patience and threats to his family took precedence over everything else. Magnus wouldn’t be surprised if Alec couldn’t focus on anything other than finding a way to save his mother.

Pushing his lips together, Alec hesitated. Magnus waited, giving him the time to organize his thoughts. Finally, Alec looked at him. “My mother said she helped Valentine organize the Uprising. She mentioned something about bloody details.”

It took everything that Magnus had not to stiffen at that. With Alec this close to him, there was no way Magnus could pass it as a normal reaction. Still, Magnus couldn’t control his heartbeat. The Uprising had been one of the worst times in Magnus’ memory. So many people had lost their lives in that day, it still hard to comes to term what exactly had happened.

Though, by the look in Alec’s eyes, just the smallest of Magnus’ reactions were enough for him to read. “You were there,” Alec said quietly. He swallowed hard, looking like he was searching for the right words. “I… I don’t know what that means. The Uprising, I… All I know is that it was a revolt Valentine led against the signing of the Accords. He was defeated but the Mortal Cup disappeared. But there is more to it, isn’t there?”

Magnus felt his mouth go dry. Of course. The Clave had done it could to preserve its savior image. That included depriving the new generation of Shadowhunters of learning their history. Magnus knew Alec had only recently found out his parents were former Circle members, but he had attributed that to Maryse and Robert. A family decision to hide their shame from their kids. It seemed the habit of withholding information was institutionalized.

Caught in the moment, Maryse probably forgot that when she talked to her son. But how could Magnus tell Alec what had really happened? The horror he’d seen that day.

Though, how could he not? Alec tried so hard to change things, to even out things. He needed to know the worst part of his culture’s history. In order to fight someone, one must know of it. Magnus swallowed hard. “There is. The Uprising wasn’t just a revolt, Alexander. It was a massacre.”

Alec breathed out through his mouth but didn’t say anything. Magnus took it as an encouragement. “Valentine wanted the Mortal Cup. It would be on display during the signing of the Accords, so he and the Circle crashed the event. They killed everyone that opposed them, both Downworlders and Shadowhunters. We fought back but they had us surrounded.” Magnus stopped to even out his breathing. “Their plan was as coward as it was perfect. The Circle played on the tenuous trust between our two people and let us reunite in one place before they fell upon us with swords in hand. It contemplated all they wanted to accomplish. A violent stand against supposedly lenient Accords, the death of many Downworlder leaders, and a chance at the Mortal Cup.”

Closing his eyes, Magnus pushed the memories away. They still hurt too much. He could feel Alec moving away, laying on his back as if the weight of it all pushed between them. That was nothing Magnus could do but to finish the story. “They’ve succeeded at two out of their three goals. Jocelyn Fairchild stole the Cup from under Valentine’s nose. But the rest… So many people died on that day. The Shadow World was nearly left in ruins.”

The silence that followed was not the comfortable reassurance that usually fell between them. Magnus sat up on the bed, focusing on his own breathing. It seemed like an eternity until he was finally able to calm himself. When he did, Magnus realized Alec had moved again. He had his back at Magnus, shoulders tense.

“Alexander,” Magnus said and moved a hand to his boyfriend’s hair. “Come here.”

But Alec shook his head. “Sorry. But I-I can’t look at you right now. I had no idea…” Alec’s voice was muffled, both in bewilderment and sorrow. More than anything, it was full of shame. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

Magnus nodded. “It’s okay. It’s a lot to take in-”

“No.” Alec inhaled sharply and then turned back. He looked absolutely distraught and he still wasn’t looking Magnus in the eyes. “I’m sorry my mother did that to you. To those people. It was her, Magnus. She organized it.”

Magnus’ breath caught in his throat. He frowned and brought a hand to Alec’s face. Touching it gently, Magnus pulled Alec to face him. “And my father is a Prince of Hell. Alexander, you told me you don’t care who my father is. I don’t care who your mother is either. Or rather, I do now that she is changing. But even if she wasn’t, that is no cross for you to bear. We are better than our parents.”

Alec looked as incredulous as Magnus felt for saying that. Never in his life had Magnus thought it would’ve been this easy. But it was true. For both Alec and him.

Smiling slightly, Magnus kissed the shock away from Alec’s expression. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Alec said and he smiled too. A shy thing, but honest nonetheless.

They were better than their parents. That Magnus knew for sure. Or, at least, he was starting to.

[daesungindistress]

1) Different anon here, but there's also that humiliating punishment he was made to endure by standing outside naked. Don't think that can be explained by cultural differences since his neighbour was shocked and tried to help him. After telling that story at D-na, he kinda laughed it off and said he was drained of energy now and wanted to go home. In BB pre-debut documentary, he told a story of being quite young, complaining about some side dishes and his dad punished him by not allowing him to

eat for 3 days. I’m sorry, but so much of what Daesung has revealed over the years about his upbringing is disturbing and sad. It’s what has made me think that his humility and tendency to be easily scared/startled probably didn’t stem from the best circumstances. Also concerns me that he recently revealed that he thinks he would be a strict father bc of how he was brought up - I hope that doesn’t include the kind of pain and humiliation that was inflicted upon him as a child.

Thanks for writing. I’m just gonna go ahead and put my entire reply under a cut, to save dashes everywhere.

I’m glad you mentioned cultural differences. Because I was talking to another tumblr user some time ago about Daesung’s punishment where he was made to stand outside naked, and as much as it pains me to think about, I just couldn’t bring myself to condemn his father for it and, say, start screaming abuse. I definitely don’t like it and do find it disturbing, but even so, I can’t help wondering… though it seems extreme to me, could this perhaps be a matter of perspective? (Although, yes, his neighbor’s reaction might be a big red flag.)

Asian parents are notoriously strict. For example: one of my good friends is Chinese, born and raised in China until moving to the US at 10 years old, and based on some stories she’s shared with me… sometimes things are just… different over there. Right, China is not Korea, but still. Somehow, about a month ago, while with a group of friends, we all got to talking about our parents’ varying levels of strictness with us growing up. She told us of a time she almost got caught in a lie in high school for a fairly minor thing; said her life “flashed before her eyes,” and went on to explain how that’s not just an expression, that it really, truly felt that way. This was coming from someone not easily rattled.

At the risk of getting long-winded, let me explain that last bit. Back in college (which is where we met and became roommates), while visiting her parents for the weekend, their house was burglarized. She was there alone and the men who broke in tied her up and left her on the bed while they took what they could. She said one of them peeked under her skirt and asked how old she was, but otherwise left her alone (she told them she was… I don’t remember the exact age, but made herself out to be a minor, which she most definitely was not. Smart though). We met up at a pizza joint a few days later so she could tell me about it, and I’ll never forget sitting there across the table from her like, “…WHAT?!” I asked her if she was okay, surprised by her nonchalance over it all, and she just shrugged and said, well, yeah, and as far as I can tell it’s never really bothered her since.

Anyway… this is why that recent comment she made about how she feared her parents in her formative years really surprised me, knowing that she’s not easily shaken, and makes me a bit less inclined to think too hard on Daesung’s accounts of how his own parents chose to “scold” him (using his word). FWIW, my friend and her parents have a good relationship today; she meets them for lunch/dinner from time to time and speaks well of them… although she did say that if she were to live with her parents again she would still have a curfew– at 28 years old!

Look, I don’t like it either, these stories Daesung is sharing with us about how his father disciplined him as a child. I would never condone sending any child outside naked to humiliate them for some wrong committed. In a scenario like that I absolutely would have been the neighbor covering him up and ushering him inside. “Beating” him daily, whatever that means, also sounds bad for sure… though I’d like to know exactly what was meant by that since “beat” may have been the fan’s word for it, not Daesung’s. Semantics are important. (And keep in mind he’s speaking in Japanese, not his mother tongue; it’s possible something was lost in translation: from Korean->Japanese->English.) Lastly, while I understand sending a child to bed without dinner for being a picky eater, withholding meals for 3 days is way overdoing it (thanks for sharing, I hadn’t heard that). God, and to think I just reblogged a post a few days ago about how Daesung is “always looking forward to eating”… The thought of him suffering from hunger, of all things, hits me really hard. :(

Also like you, this is giving me second thoughts about how readily he submits to authority. Being well-mannered and respectful isn’t a bad thing at all, quite the contrary! But it’s terribly sad to think that this might have come about as a result of his father quite literally beating it into him. And how he scares when something comes at him suddenly… I’ve known people (my childhood best friend) who were easily startled seemingly for no particular reason, and I’ve always assumed Daesung’s case was the same, but after hearing these snippets I can’t help wondering. It is disturbing. It is sad.

However… the fact that he’s sharing these things so openly, on stage in front of hundreds (is that right? I don’t know how many are attending these smaller shows) gives me this nagging suspicion that these kinds of punishments might not be all that out of the ordinary where he’s from (coming back around to cultural differences). It’s possible that he’s doing so with the expectation that the fans in the audience, being almost entirely Japanese, are going to nod along with a kind of “been there, done that” mentality.After all, this is Daesung, who prefers to keep his thoughts and worries to himself and goes out of his way to avoid burdening others with his problems. D na Show is supposed to be a fun environment; I struggle to picture him revealing these things if he thought they would shock and appall, or deemed them too serious for such a setting. So for now I’m sort of… reading, frowning, filing it away, and moving on.

That said, I too am just a little concerned about his comments regarding being a “strict” father; it depends on what he means by that. It’s incredibly difficult for me to imagine him doling out such punishments, but if it’s how he was raised and it’s all he knows… maybe it’s not too far-fetched. At the same time, it’s not really any of my business how he chooses to raise his future kids. Anyway, that other tumblr user I talked with about this, she said something that I thought was beautiful and sad and hopeful all at once, and even though I still hesitate to use the term abuse I’d like to repeat her words here: “The abuse doesn’t always repeat itself. Sometimes it just chips away at love and trust.”

I know this has been all over the place so I’m gonna wrap it up, but if there’s one positive thing to come of this, it’s seeing Daesung’s courage and resilience made evident like never before. The fact that he was able to essentially defy his father’s wishes, not just risking his disapproval but actively working against it, now knowing more about how authoritative and intimidating he could be… Becoming a successful idol/singer in spite of doubts (his own, his father’s, and those of everyone else who didn’t think he had what it took)… is, I think, a testament to just how strong a person he really is.

(Editing to add: anyone who grew up in an Asian household, please feel free to write me to help shed some light on whether Daesung’s comments about his upbringing seem culturally “normal” or not. I’d hate to find that I’m being totally ignorant about this.)

[solvskrift]

beyondimen replied to your post “you know what kills me? gets my goat? rubs me the wrong way? kicks me...”

Who abused him???? Genuine question I missed something

his uncle, aunt, and cousin. the way the books were written (especially the first three) sort of glosses over most of the abuse, in part because they’re marketed toward children, but also because we’re seeing things from harry’s perspective. an abusive home environment is all he’s ever known, so it becomes normalized in his mind and, to a certain extent, acceptable.

the dursleys verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse harry. they force him to sleep in the cupboard under the stairs (which is infested w/ spiders btw) and frequently lock him inside as punishment for incidences of accidental magic (which he isn’t aware he is doing), perceived wrongdoings, or just because they feel like it. when harry is moved upstairs to a real bedroom, they put bars on his window and a cat-flap and several locks on the door.

they often withhold food from him as another method of ‘punishment.’ they show him no affection or love whatsoever, which is crucial for a child’s development. they ignore him. they belittle him, and call him names. they speak to him and about him as though he’s not intelligent enough to understand them or decent enough to deserve better. they lie to him about his parents and his cultural heritage.

a lot of fans seem to disagree on this, but the books also make it very clear that harry was physically abused. in cos, aunt petunia swings a frying pan at harry’s head (this was not half-hearted or for show, harry had to dodge the blow to avoid being hit). harry is genuinely terrified of vernon after the pudding explodes in the kitchen, and is physically dragged up the stairs and thrown into his room. in ootp, harry is actually strangled on-page by uncle vernon when he’s caught listening to the news. he makes a comment in the same book that a ‘good sense of when to duck’ is useful for getting along with his uncle. in hbp, harry considers the fact that ‘long experience’ had taught him to stay out of arm’s reach of his uncle. neither harry nor the dursleys ever act like any of this is out of the ordinary. petunia and vernon also encourage or at the very least ignore harry being hit and attacked by dudley (and occasionally beaten by dudley’s whole gang of friends). it’s stated in the first book that the reason harry’s glasses are broken and taped is because his cousin has punched him in the face so many times. just because harry is never caned or whipped to within an inch of his life doesn’t negate the fact that he was canonically physically abused, possibly quite badly.

one of the most insidious ways the dursleys abuse harry is the dichotomy they intentionally set up and perpetuate w/ regards to harry and dudley. they force harry to sleep in a cupboard - at the same time they give their oldest, biological child not one but two full-size bedrooms. they starve harry, and feed dudley all the sweets he wants. they refer to harry as ‘boy’ and ‘you’ and avoid using his name (iirc they use his given name once in all seven books. once.) and frequently call dudley by over-the-top affectionate pet names. they make harry do endless lists of chores while dudley watches tv and plays video games. they ignore harry’s birthdays or give him ‘presents’ like coat hangers, but they buy dozens of gifts for dudley on his birthday and take him on fun trips while harry is left behind at a neighbor’s house. they want to send harry a message: you are worthless. you are nothing. you are not a part of this family. and throughout his childhood, they systematically condition him to believe it. (which profoundly affects his mindset and decisions later on in his adolescence but that’s a different extraordinarily long post)

harry was horrifically abused, but he was horrifically abused in a series of books written for children and young adults so it makes it a little less obvious. but imagine the same things happening to your friend or classmate or nephew or neighbor’s kid and it becomes clear that it’s completely horrifying.

[exysexual]

hs au (part five)

(part one)(part two)(part three)(part four)(read on ao3)

Neil has to get the fuck out of Oakland.

That’s the only thought bouncing around in his brain as he runs home, duffel slapping against his thigh in a familiar rhythm.

Andrew Doe knows too much about him. Has too many reasons to think him suspicious.

Neil can’t believe he fucked up like that. His mom would– well, she wouldn’t be happy. A fucking panic attack? Just because Edgar Allen was mentioned?

Actually, it’s not that it was mentioned. It’s that representatives from there will be at his fucking school tomorrow and that someday Andrew Doe could mention to Kevin or Riko this weird kid he knew–

When Neil gets to the house, he stops himself from spiraling. Kevin and Riko couldn’t possibly recognize him just from Andrew offhandedly mentioning him. And it’s not like they’d be coming themselves tomorrow.

No, his biggest obstacle now is Andrew Doe.

Neil Josten isn’t in the room when Andrew gets to Stats on Tuesday.

He slides into his seat and tries not to watch the door too obviously. The bell rings, though, and Neil still hasn’t materialized.

Andrew spends the rest of class vaguely watching Rodriguez and cycling through wondering where Neil is, being annoyed that he’s curious, and thinking through the game tonight.

The Jamesons had somehow caught wind of the scout situation, so now Andrew is dealing with their excitement and hopes about Exy scholarships. He’s mostly kept up a fake smile, aside from last night, but he has no idea what will happen when the inevitable disappointment comes.

Mac lets Andrew play the entire game, and he gets a shutout, and the Jamesons hug him all at once and he only freezes for a second.

He glances around the stands, looking for Neil before he realizes what he’s doing. He doesn’t see him anywhere, and he barely has time to berate himself before Mac is pushing him to the office, where there’s a line of bored-looking people in collegiate apparel.

Cathleen squeezes his hand in comfort before following him into the room.

Neil skips out on school because he doesn't know if he's even going back. He organized and reorganized his bag, sorted through his documentation, thought about the money he had left, and tried to make a mental pro/con list for sticking around.

Pros: no wasting money on new IDs; no rent or money for the squatting; easy access to the school; knows a few people (mostly on the CC team) who make his days a little less lonely; no figuring out a new place, a new identity

Cons: Andrew Doe knows something is up

For his mom, that would’ve been enough. They would’ve left town as soon as Neil told her about it and she had sufficiently punished him. They would have gone to Montana or Arizona and she would’ve cussed him out the whole way, before her guy in Boise or Mesa got them new digs.

But now, it’s just Neil. It’s just Neil, whose disappearance from school would raise questions, and whose appearance in a new town would raise questions, and whose travel from Oakland to Boise alone would raise questions.

It’s just Neil, who already kind of hates waking up and going bed alone everyday, even with the guys he exchanges ‘sup nods with in the hall.

Being a teenager is a complicated thing, a mixture of wanting not to be quite so alone in the world and wanting everybody to ignore you at all times. Being a teenager on the run, trying to escape notice, with nobody to rely on or turn to– Neil isn’t sure if he wants to scream as loudly as he can or run away from it all.

He slumps into Stats on Wednesday with a plan, but he can hear the echoes of his mom’s constant vitriol as he drops into his seat. He ignores when Andrew Doe comes in, faces forwards and takes the most meticulous notes he’s ever taken. He hopes that he fades into the wall.

Andrew stares at the back of Neil’s head for the entirety of the class. Part of his mind is still reliving the discussions he had last night, when the Jamesons weighed Edgar Allen versus Berkeley versus Penn State, when Mac had grinned and slapped him on the back and said, “Good job, Doe.”

The other part is wondering what the fuck is up with Neil fucking Josten, who has a panic attack and disappears and then reappears without so much as a hello. Andrew may not be the most sociable of people, would ignore everybody if he could, but even he has to admit that Neil is fucking weird.

He’s probably embarrassed, Andrew guesses, thinking back to the panic attack. But to be embarrassed, he has to care what Andrew thinks to some degree, which doesn’t really compute.

At the end of class, Neil turns around and rubs at the back of his neck, his eyes fixed on the wall behind Andrew.

“Um, hey, Andrew,” he says quickly, “sorry about last time. Do you think we could meet today instead?”

Andrew raises his eyebrows and shrugs. “No practice the day after a game, sure. Library 3:30?”

Neil nods and then books it out of the classroom, the opposite of his usual slouch. Andrew watches him go in confusion.

The fuck?

Neil gets to the library at 3:30 on the dot only to find Andrew already sitting at a table in the corner, pushing his chair back onto two legs.

Neil drops into the chair across from him and digs out his Stats notebook wordlessly. No more slipups.

“You feeling better?” Andrew asks as Neil reemerges. Neil bites his lip and nods, then lets out the story he’d been stewing.

“Um, yeah, sorry again,” he replies, putting as much sheepishness into his voice as possible. “My mom made me stay home yesterday ‘cause she was worried about me.”

Andrew nods, studying his face closely. Neil runs a hand back through his hair and tries to look as embarrassed as he can.

“We, uh, think it’s just all the talk about college that’s got me nervous,” he continues. “If it happens again, she’s going to make me talk to somebody about it.”

Andrew nods again.

“Anyway, Stats?”

Despite what Andrew would have expected, Neil Josten appears to genuinely care what Andrew thinks of him. Andrew tries to puzzle this out as he walks home, goes over everything he thinks he knows about the new kid.

He runs cross country and track. He’s smart but freaked out about college (admissions? Tuition? Adjusting to the environment?). He and his mom (no dad mentioned, except once when he said “my parents”) moved houses recently. He dresses horribly. His family has a really shitty car and he doesn’t have a credit card or a cell phone. He continually asks about Exy and Andrew despite claims that he doesn’t care about Exy. He doesn’t appear to notice that half the upperclassmen have crushes on him, but he cares what Andrew thinks.

There’s a few conclusions that Andrew comes to as he climbs up the Jameson’s front steps: Neil’s family is dirt poor; Neil is trying to hide that his family is dirt poor; Neil thinks Andrew might spread around the fact that Neil’s family is dirt poor.

Plausibly, Neil wants to play Exy but can’t afford it, and doesn’t even give a shit about Andrew.

Andrew tries not to feel too disappointed that Neil doesn’t actually care about him, or that Neil apparently judges him so harshly as to think he’d cade about something like his family’s wealth or spread it around.

Regardless, Andrew pastes on a smile as he steps inside, and shares with Cathleen the latest updates on his project.

Neil Josten is nothing.

Neil has another panic attack that night. Alone, curled up under his blanket on the hard, cold floor, he tries to imagine the impression he’s made on Andrew, and it’s nothing good. He realizes he never asked about Andrew’s game and then wonders if he’s really being recruited by Edgar Allen and the next thing he knows he can’t breathe.

He doesn’t know how much time he loses, but he feels bone fucking tired when his breathing is back to normal, even though his mind is still going in circles.

He tries to picture Riko and Kevin and Andrew playing together. Tries to imagine the weight of a racket in his hand. Tries to remember his mom’s smile.

Neil doesn’t get much sleep that night.

Andrew almost stops dead upon entering the cafeteria the next day when he spots Neil sitting with a few of the guys from cross country. He has not once witnessed him in the cafeteria before, although he hardly looks out of place, leaning in and listening to Todd Jiang.

Andrew joins Tekien and Sam Reagan at the table they usually sit at, conveniently beside the cross country table. Andrew alternates between smoking and joining them at lunch, depending on how much he can handle inane Exy bullshit.

He sits as close as he dares to the CC table and can just overhear their conversation as Sam and Tekien continue discussing their defense at the game on Tuesday.

“C’mon, Josten, you gotta get a Facebook,” Jiang says with a grin. “You’re already withholding your cell number, so how else can we contact you?”

“I’m not getting a Facebook,” Neil replies. Andrew can see him picking at his protein bar out of the corner of his eye.

“Can you imagine how many friend requests he’d get, like, right away?” asks another guy who Andrew doesn’t know. “Half the junior class would be on him like that.”

Neil slouches further down in his seat at that. Andrew wonders why he keeps his unpopular act up even around his friends.

“Why don’t you want one, Neil?”

“I already see enough of you idiots at school. Don’t need that messing with my home life, too. ‘Sides, my mom doesn’t want me to get one.”

They laugh at that, and somebody jokingly says, “What a momma’s boy.”

Neil shrugs.

“Doe, what did you think about our third goal on Tuesday?” Tekien asks then, diverting Andrew’s attention.

“It went in the net,” Andrew says flatly. Sam cackles at that as Tekien rolls his eyes.

“Be like that, hoard your Exy knowledge. Just remember not all of us are getting recruited by the Ravens, though.”

Andrew shrugs and starts in on his lunch, ignoring the next table over and instead letting Tekien and Sam’s chatter wash over him.

Neil doesn’t know how Todd found out it was his lunch period, but he’s not thrilled at this development. Sitting on his stoop is weirdly peaceful. Getting ribbed by the CC team is not, especially when they want him to be a normal teenager.

“Oi, Josten, where do you think you’re going?” Todd yells out on Friday, when Neil tries to steer away from the cafeteria and head back to his stoop. He rejoins the CC table resignedly, where Diego offers him a fist bump and Phil gives him a ‘sup nod. God, why is everyone around him such a bro?

“So, Josten, you’re not hooking up with Katherine, are you?” Diego asks immediately.

Neil takes a measured bite of his protein bar and unsuccessfully tries to place the name. “Who’s Katherine?”

Phil laughs and Diego shakes his head. “I think she’s in your Spanish class.”

Neil pictures the blonde girl who tries to talk to him every fucking day. “Oh, Blondie?”

Phil continues chuckling. Diego puts his face in his hands. “Jesus Christ, Neil.”

“I think you can safely take that as a no, Diego,” Todd offers with a smirk. “Then again, maybe Josten is hooking up with her and doesn’t even know her name.”

Neil represses the full body shiver that threatens to break out at the memories of kissing girls in back allies and what followed. He takes another steady bite of his bar and lets them think what they will.

He looks around the cafeteria and catches Andrew’s eye. The other teen stares expressionlessly at him. Neil frowns and wonders if he should’ve left after all.

(part six)

[probablyworried-archive-blog]

✩ :^)

Send ‘✩’ for the following:

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? hayden for sureWho threatens to leave but never actually does? michael bc he’s a lil bitchWho actually keeps their word and leaves? hayden bc he’s a bitchWho trashes the house? probably hayden tbhDo either of them get physical? yeah, but hayden in a more ‘i could kill u’ way>How often do they argue/disagree? ALL the fucking timeWho is the first to apologise? hayden doesn’t apologize so?

Sex: (trigger heavy. tread with caution.)

Who is on top? definitely haydenWho is on the bottom? michaelWho has the strangest desires? hayden for sureAny kinks? idk about michael, but hayden has all of the following (from this list though not all are /extreme/ turn ons): baths, showers, sex in public places, love of pain, fantasizing about someone other than one’s partner, blindfolds, shorter partners, defiling a partner, humiliation of partner, seeing their partner cry, clothed partners, lust murder, frotteurism, blood, blood play, committing acts considered sinful, people who have committed crimes, sexual arousal from the limiting or withholding of oxygen, stealing, domination, BSDM, punishment, being loud, biting, sex with virgins, hate sex, temperature play, pyrophilia, sadism, obscene phone calls, marking one’s own body, teasing, tranformation fetish, group sex, restraints/bondage/etc, watching others have sex, strangers, knife play, gun playWho’s dominant in bed? hayden tbhIs head ever in the equation? possibly. not often?If so, who is better at performing it? probs hayden?Ever had sex in public? not togetherWho moans the most? probably hayden tbhWho leaves the most marks? HAYDENWho screams the loudest? michael bc hayden’s a dickWho is the more experienced of the two? i’d assume haydenDo they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? fuck.Rough or soft? haha rough.How long do they usually last? probably awhile unless hayden’s super hornyIs protection used? if michael forces hayden toDoes it ever get boring? doubtfulWhere is the strangest place they’d have sex? THEY HAVEN’T YET SO

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children?  hayden almost had a kid alreadyIf so, how many children do your muses want/have?hayden wouldn’t let michael have a kid probably ‘ however, if they did:Who is the favorite parent?michaelWho is the authoritative parent?haydenWho is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school?michaelWho lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around?michaelWho turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children?michaelWho goes to parent teacher interviews?michaelWho changes the diapers?definitely not haydenWho gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? again, not haydenWho spends the most time with the children?def michaelWho packs their lunch boxes?lowkey haydenWho gives their children ‘the talk’?probs haydenWho cleans up after the kids?michael bc he’s WEAKWho worries the most?both of them honestlyWho are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from?H A Y D E N

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? michael probsWho is the little spoon?lol michael cause he’s an infantWho gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?hayden bc he’s a monsterWho struggles to keep their hands to themself? h a y d e nHow long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?like 10 minutes maxWho gives the most kisses?*stares at michael*What is their favourite non-sexual activity?fighting ( jk probably watching movies )Where is their favourite place to cuddle? the couchWho is more likely to playfully grope the other? HAYDENHow often do they get time to themselves?daily tbh

Sleeping:

Who snores? neither???If both do, who snores the loudest?n/aDo they share a bed or sleep separately?normally separatelyIf they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?michael tries to cozy up but hayden’s a dickweedWho talks in their sleep?haydenWhat do they wear to bed? boxers and t-shirts (though hayden probably wears nothing from time to time )Are either of your muses insomniacs?i think they both areCan sleeping pills be found by the bedside?yeDo they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? tbh, limbs probably get connected at some pointWho wakes up with bed hair?BOTHWho wakes up first?michael bc he likes to runWho prepares breakfast in bed for the other?michael would be the nice one.What is their favourite sleeping position?probably curled up or some shitWho hogs the sheets?h a y d e nDo they set an alarm each night?hayden definitely doesn’tCan a television be found in their bedroom?nahWho has nightmares?haydenWho has ridiculous dreams?michaelWho sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? HONESTLY PROBABLY MICHAELWho makes the bed? neither of themWhat time is bed time? like 1amAny routines/rituals before bed? nah?Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up?hayden for sure

Work:

Who is the busiest? haydenWho rakes in the highest income?haydenAre any of your muses unemployed?michael isWho takes the most sick days?haydeni guess?Who is more likely to turn up late to work?neitherWho sucks up to their boss? neitherWhat are their jobs?hayden steals and sells organs on the blackmarket and is a professional thiefWho stresses the most?michael about haydenDo your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?hayden is 50/50 on it depending on like who employed him and stuffAre your muses financially stable?technically

Home:

Who does the washing? michaelWho takes out the trash?michaelWho does the ironing?michaelWho does the cooking? hayden tbhWho is more likely to burn the house down just trying? WELL.Who is messier?haydenWho leaves the toilet roll empty?haydenWho leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?both tbhWho forgets to flush the toilet? neitherWho is the prankster around the house?Who is the prankster around the house? hayden’s too grumpy so probs michaelWho loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?probably michael since hayden doesn’t have car keysWho mows the lawn? hayden tbhWho answers the telephone? probs haydenincase its a jobWho does the vacuuming? michael while singing obnoxiously loudWho does the groceries? haydenWho takes the longest to shower?PROBABLY HAYDEN GETTING ALL THAT BLOOD OFFWho spends the most time in the bathroom?probs michael

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? nah. not between the both of themHow many cars do they own?oneDo they own their home or do they rent? michael lives with his parents & hayden owns a shitty placeDo they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? it’s deadassinbetweenDo they live in the city or in the country?city/suburbDo they enjoy their surroundings?michael might. hayden doesn’tWhat’s their song?panic lift - temptressWhat do they do when they’re away from each other?live their lives???? michael does sports. hayden is an asshole and kills people.Where did they first meet?the park or street or something????How did they first meet?michael wouldn’t leave hayden alone about being beat up and bloodyWho spends the most money when out shopping?probably michael bc he’s an infantWho’s more likely to flash their assets? DEF HAYDENWho finds it amusing when the other trips over?haydenAny mental issues? hella.Who’s terrified of bugs?hahahahprobshaydenWho kills the spiders around the house? hahaha not haydenTheir favourite place? literally anywhere outsideWho pays the bills?HAYDENDo they have any fears for their future?tbh hayden killing michael or michael leaving hayden are the biggest things they’ve gotta worry aboutWho’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?hayden if he liked being niceWho uses up all of the hot water?tbh they are both awful about thatWho’s the tallest?UM HAYDEN BARELYWho’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?tbh probably haydenWho wanders around in their underwear? haydenWho sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?michaelWhat do they tease each other about? their ATTITUDESWho is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? neither of them honestlyDo they have mutual friends?absolutely notWho crushed first?technically haydenAny alcohol or substance related problems?hayden has alcohol and drug problemsWho is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? definitely haydenWho swears the most?hayden for SURE