#and is obviously taking your trauma and health problems into account the entire time

[thethingything]

also though this dentist is genuinely the best dentist we've ever had.

she was really understanding about us having issues with toothpaste and we asked if she had any recommendations for alternatives we could try to see if those help and she gave us some options to look into so that's cool.

she also took our medical trauma into account and kept checking if we were okay throughout the appointment and asking if we needed to take breaks and we've never had a dentist do that before.

she warned us about what each tool would feel like too and actually warned us if something was going to be painful which like, I would in fact rather be warned that "this is going to be uncomfortable in this way" and "yeah this is gonna feel really bad for a few days but that's normal" than have someone try to reassure us that it won't be that bad only for it to get really painful.

our next appointment is to have a tooth removed and she explained the procedure to us and how that normally goes, and then we asked if we can take the tooth home afterwards and I can only assume from the look on her face that she's never been asked that before, but she was like "yeah I don't see why not, it is yours after all" so that's cool

[morgana-ren]

This ask is about suicidal thoughts and the Bastard Four, so please ignore if needed. You mentioned this briefly with the Corvus pain ask, but how do they react if you are thinking or even trying to hurt or kill yourself? I have to imagine it happens. I know I would definitely go to some dark places in that kind of situation.

This is going to be one of those asks that if you're triggered at the mention of something, you're going to want to keep away entirely.

My triggers are not everyone else's and what I find lighthearted and 'normal' is usually very dark and disturbing for others and this, while hopeful and a good thing to me, could put someone already in a bad place into somewhere worse or do some serious damage. I cannot account for everyone, so really, if you're sensitive or just going through it, go ahead and forgo this one.

It is also long because it's just a complex topic.

I am speaking to my personal experience with mental health struggles and so this might not exactly align with your experiences, but mine are the only ones I have, and they stem from both mental illness and trauma and like, whatever else is spitting around up there.

Alright, so this is where things get purely speculative on my part (for Corvus especially) for a number of reasons. Keep in mind, I'm autistic and also have a litany of other issues and sometimes I genuinely have a problem not bringing it into other places. Corvus and these aus are not my characters alone; I only helped develop Corvus a little after the fact and love him very much and the others were made with help.

But sometimes when I speak to people, I do not realize what I have said is entirely inappropriate and bad and is not something you say to someone or put off on someone else, and I have moments where I realize I have gone really dark with things and this is not a conversation people want to have with me. It is not their responsibility to heal or soothe me through their characters or their effort, even if I don't mean it that way and I'm just curious about how they'd respond. I have to really remind myself "Hey, this isn't okay to say to someone and it's not fair to put this off on them" or "You cannot expect this person to play therapist through a character you love just because you love them."

There's things that I want to hear, obviously, because we all have ways we want people to care for and love us, but in order to get them, I'd really have to make things dark mentally and that's just not something most people want when they're talking about these types of things. It's stressful to them rather than cathartic. I already have massive issues with being myself because I am just so fucking strange and I don't like to do things I even remotely think are inappropriate, because if it's occurring to me, it surely is fucked up to someone else, you feel? My issues are my issues and making them open and known to the degree that it would take to truly approach this could really hurt/offend/scare/whatever someone who I value greatly, and that's not a risk I am willing to take.

It can be a comfort and so you reach for it. But it's not fair to put that massive weight on someone else's shoulders, and in order to get a true answer to that question, I'd have to drag someone I care about very deeply into my mental maelstrom and I need to remind myself that's not okay, even inadvertently. Even if it's hypothetical and not that big of a deal to me because they're my emotions. Me saying something offhandedly has been deeply worrying to others more times than I can count, and I need to pull back and remind myself that the way I deal with and cope about things can make people deeply uncomfortable. I can cope through fantasy, but expecting someone to build that fantasy for me is tiresome and miserable and can ruin a friendship.

So, when I answer this question, I am doing it with compounded knowledge that I have over all of the aus, things that seem like would be in character, and things that I need to tell myself because my paracosm demands it.

First thing's first: Corvus is a mind reader, and his section is the longest because I have the most in-depth examples of how he cares for things. He's been around the longest. It's more his wheelhouse and generally more of his purview. He is very attuned to people's thoughts and feelings, if for all the wrong reasons.

He got as far as he has by being very good at reading people and understanding the psychology of humans and learning to pluck the heartstrings. He doesn't usually snatch people on a whim. That's just not how he operates. There is absolutely a level of research and stalking that goes into it because he isn't going to grab someone he finds utterly insufferable. He doesn't like to kill people he sleeps with (finds it distasteful) so he'd rather not put himself in that situation. If he takes you, he knows, and he likes you, and is dedicated to it.

If he's watching you, trust me, he's going to be aware of your issues. He can hear your thoughts. He can feel your emotions. He is perfectly aware of what you're feeling when you're feeling it, even if you are not. He knows what the potential situations are here. If he takes you, he has decided that is a task he is willing to take on. He isn't going to grab you and then abandon you because 'it's too much' because then he wouldn't have taken you in the first place. It's almost impossible to find anyone that doesn't have years of shit to unpack anyways.

Having someone very mentally ill or very unwell isn't a reason he's going to turn away, it seems. Really, name one fully healthy person. When he is interested, he is interested, and he is aware of the 'downsides' and does not care. He may well approach things differently, but it's not a thing that he needs to deeply consider because it's 'too much.' He just goes 'noted' and then keeps it in mind and continues.

Corvus is usually the one doing the scouting. That or he is the one that the others turn to for confirmation because he is the pickiest and tends to know things about people at large that the others don't or don't care to know. He is the one that gets off the most on psychological manipulation. He is the one that would sense something was wrong first.

Having someone who 'isn't well' isn't something they turn from. But keep in mind, these are not good men. These are not heroes who do the right thing. These are not men you should aspire to love. These are villains and bastards and while they are attractive and deeply interesting, you should not use them to frame your behavior or thoughts or look to them for how a relationship should be. They will not always deal appropriately. They are stupid and selfish and rude and just horrible people. They're going to be fumbling about and guessing. They might tend up causing more damage and doing more harm than good sometimes.

In the beginning, it's different than it is at the end.

Corvus is going to know if you're having thoughts. He is going to make very sure that you know that it isn't an option. Your body isn't yours anymore. Your life isn't yours to take. When I say it isn't an option, I really mean it isn't. He could just resurrect you and he is not going to be happy. There literally is no escape. It sounds callous, but he is, especially in the beginning if he doesn't love you yet (sometimes he's already in love when he takes you, but other times it grows over time.)

He's going to have to walk a fine line, because his brand of bullshit is hard on people who are healthy mentally and have good healthy coping mechanisms. He doesn't want you that kind of broken. That's not what he's after. He's going to have to keep you held together while still satisfying himself and degrading and hurting you. It probably turns into manipulation extreme and can be a challenge, even for him.

Subtly and quietly building you up but still damaging you in different ways. He loves being the savior, but he also loves being the terror. He'd have to find a balance. Again with the masterful way he maneuvers things. He will pry out of you what it is you 'have' or what is wrong with you, and pretend not to care, but he'll be doing research on it later. A lot of it. He's going to find a way to make you better. Again, that kind of broken is not what he is looking for. He is going to seem callous and utterly dismissive but trust me, his brilliant little mind is going a million miles an hour.

He's not really looking to terrify you with trauma. He wants you afraid of him. Of what he can do. He wants to be your nightmare, not whatever else is skulking in your brain. That means trauma has to go bye-bye. There can only be one nightmare in your brain and it's not whatever haunts you. It's him.

He will get his hands on medications you need. He will do work to keep you stable and help get your mind on the up and up. He won't let you see a therapist for obvious reasons, but you'd be surprised by the sheer things he can accomplish. He is a cleric, and people are his dominion. He is capable of healing and hurting. On top of it, he knows what it is to hurt. He too is traumatized. You might actually get better help and healthcare from him than the average American citizen does from insurance and doctors. You can actually tell him what it is you're feeling in this regard, and he will actually try. Quietly, of course, but he will. A selfish sort of help initially, but he grows.

Constant checking in on you. Keeping around compulsively. Trying to keep you engaged and stimulated with things to do or books or whatever else have you. Hovering even if you don't know he is. Making sure even when he's tormenting you that you know he is watching. Making sure you take your medication. Keeping things out of your reach if he is worried. He has a tendency to treat you like a child in that way. He will abuse magic to do it. Cameras in the house. Keeping a constant eye on you. Watching meticulously to the point it is unnerving. He needs as much data as he can get to 'fix' this. You are his. You do not get to break yourself.

He's going to know. He always knows. Just know that. You're going to literally be physically incapable of acting on your urges and it is miserable. But he will catch on that just doing that isn't enough, and he needs to take an active role in your mind and healing.

It's one of those things. Sometimes you'll tell him to just get it over with. Just kill you. Just fucking get it over with. He'll look at you and just sigh with a cigarette in his hand and go "I think you have heavily misunderstood your purpose here. If I wanted you dead, you would be, girl. Never forget that. Your life is mine, and you are mine to do with as I please." You are his property. His. He doesn't break his own toys. You belong to him. You don't get to do that.

That's what you get from him. What he is actually thinking is difficult to know.

What I'm saying is in the beginning, he will never be vulnerable in the way that he will tell you he values you, but he will make sure you know that's not going to happen and to come to peace with it. Better to focus on healing because you will not get your way.

If you've got abandonment issues, and you just shut down and wait for him to get bored and tire of you, he's going to know that as well. He'll grab your face and just "You really think it's going to be that easy, hmm? You think me so fickle? So foolish?" He's going to turn it around on you and act like you've insulted him.

What I'm getting at is he doesn't handle it in the healthiest way. Confidence issues for example? Feeling horrible and just waiting for him to walk away because even someone who took you against your will can't stand you for long? Feeling useless and wretched? Just breaking down in that way? He's just going to tell you flat up that you need to work on that. He's not going to have a deep, intricate talk with you, but he'll just say it offhandedly. It's not changing his mind. He isn't going anywhere. You'll get over it. You will learn. Sometimes he doesn't understand the sheer gravity of the emotions you feel or how bad they are and of course you don't want to tell him.

He took you. Him. That means you're worthy. He doesn't take people who aren't worth his attention. You need to understand that. You're a foolish little thing and perhaps you haven't grasped the reality of your situation. He doesn't waste time. You are his his his-- and that should be your proof. He's very up his own ass so rather than focusing on you, he focuses on you through his own eyes.

Severe depression? You are getting out of bed if he has to drag you out. You are keeping busy. You are cooking and cleaning and being productive. You are reading and writing if he has to make you. He will make you. You will be eating if he has to shove it down your throat. You will be keeping active. The best cure is to force yourself out of it. He has been depressed. He has been cared for. He will try, but by fuck, you will hate it and hate him for it because he is that voice in your brain that nags and nags and forces you to do things you don't want to do. You will kick and scream and bite and more often than not have bruises to show for it. You will be getting out of bed. You will not win this fight with him.

If you are genuinely, genuinely unhappy with something later on (when he has very deep feelings for you) he is primed to be more open and honest. He will show a bit more vulnerability. He will be willing to make changes for you within reason. He will want you to know he loves you and he cares. He is still him, but he needs you to understand how he feels. That he wants to help. That he will listen to you and needs you to know how important it is to him even as it seems like he doesn't care. When he loves you, your happiness is important outside of the bedroom. You're his wife. He loves you so deeply it's terrifying. He is so bad with showing it and saying it, but there's something desperate about it. Sometimes feral. He will try to show it because saying it just doesn't do it. And even him showing it is subtle and self-serving. He's just bad at shit.

Because of this, when he comes to love you, this is something that is deeply important to him. He has lost so many people, he cannot lose another, especially like that. He would feel responsible and while he doesn't care about most death, he cares about you. He is going to do whatever it fucking takes to keep you here (literally, see resurrection) and if it becomes a problem, he is going to slow the fuck down, act responsible, and do what it takes to try and actually help you-- you know, in the way Corvus helps. The more he comes to know and care for you, the more it hurts him. You suffering like that isn't something he can abide, especially when it comes to suicidal ideation. He wants you to want to be here with him. He wants to be enough. He realizes that, realistically, it doesn't work like that, but he is going to make it.

Taking someone who suffers in that way puts him in a strange position. One of his priorities is to soothe it. It's a variable he accounts for. He's not a good guy. He's not going to do the healthy thing. But it's not really something he is going to leverage over you and torment you with. Again, that kind of broken, that kind of pain isn't something he wants from you. He needs you healed and better mentally so your body is primed for scars in other ways. He will take away your every option but getting better. He is tough love. He is always there. He is breaking into your mind. You have no privacy. You will be better. For yourself and for him.

He is the tough and firm.

Reaver.... is strange.

Reaver doesn't know dick or fuck all about psychology really, and he doesn't care to. He is what matters. He's been selfish for hundreds of years and he didn't really plan on stopping.

But he understands suffering. He understands pain. He understands trauma nightmares and drowning your sorrows in the bottom of a bottle. He understands wanting to end it and having to find alternate ways of coping. He understands hiding it. He understands feeling so deeply and loathing it. He understands masking your pain. He understands the horrors.

Reaver is going to encourage hedonism like a bandaid. He's going to get you very drunk (bad idea) and try to make you see the value of living a libertine life with him. Life is pain so live it drunk and live it through pleasure. This is his way of connecting. This is his medicine. He's going to throw money around. He's going to shoot things and people because it makes him feel better. He will tell you sex always makes him feel better so you should try it.

When it comes to early on, he's basically just going to be relying on Corvus and Ilya to do most of the heavy lifting. They understand better, and they know people better. Reaver is just going to drown his insecurities over it in bloodwine and back off. He refers to it as 'silly human emotion' and belittles it and pretends he doesn't know what it's like despite the fact he's human and absolutely feels it even as he pretends he doesn't.

Later on, he's going to use the only tools he has and do the only thing he knows how to do. Money, money everywhere. Expensive therapists. Doctors. Medicine. Trying to buy your happiness. He's been so far gone for so long that trying to actually consider mental health sends him into a dark place in his own mind and he can't have that. Even if he knows exactly what you're going through, he's going to pretend he doesn't for his own sanity.

All of the boys have lost a lot. Death is something that scarred them deeply that now they wield as a weapon. Reaver has lost everyone he loved. He might as well have murdered one, and the other let herself die because she wouldn't live a life with him. He will make it very clear, in no uncertain terms, that there is absolutely no chance you're escaping. You will not get away like they did. That is not your choice to make. He will get scary. Very scary. And then he will pick you up and just... lie with you. Clinging.

He does not know how to express himself. He really doesn't. Even when he absolutely loves and adores you, he just isn't very in touch with himself. He cannot touch on that without awakening something horribly twisted inside of himself that he physically cannot deal with.

He, in a way, has always been suicidal in a hugely ironic twist. He is immortal. He cannot die at anyone's hands, even his own, and I believe he has tried. It was a Faustian bargain. He got what he wanted, but the price made it worthless. Eventually he turned to reckless existence and figured that if he died, he died. He never did. He finds pleasure where he can, but his circumstances are so different from yours that he just genuinely cannot relate anymore. It's the same seed, but it blossomed into something entirely different.

Reaver is more primal and almost stupid about it. He'll throw you into the cage. He'll bind your arms. He'll knock you out. He freaks out and doesn't understand. If he wanted you dead, he'd shoot you. Why is that so hard to understand? So many people would kill to be with him, and you get to. Why are you being obstinate? Are you trying to impress him? If you're trying to ward him off, it's not working. Don't be foolish.

Reaver is arguably the worst at it, I'd say. Not because he means to be, but for his own protection. That shell around his mind is what keeps him sane. You are an all too real reminder that he is human and what you're feeling is something he is familiar with.

He will try. His way of showing love and affection is questionable. Sometimes he'll take you somewhere strange because he likes gaudy, rich places and it'll just be a field in the country or some shit. He'll stare quietly at the sky and his trademark smirk is gone. He will just exist with you and let you talk uninterrupted. Maybe making you feel heard will help. You'll never figure out the significance of the place, but rest assured it is to him.

He will just lie with you. Buy you expensive gifts to show he cares and that he is listening. He genuinely believes he can buy your happiness because he bought his 'own'-- and how well that's worked. He will have drunken nights with you where he will sit and sip his brandy and listen to you wail on and keep his stupid comments to himself as much as he can. He will still give you his rude opinion, but there's something.. softer about it.

He will tell you life is a gift, and you will roll your eyes. Same shit you've always heard. And he won't elaborate but he will tell you he knows. Quietly. And he will never bring it up again. One very serious moment of "I know." and he immediately switches the subject. Asks if you're eating enough. If your medicine is working. He can shoot the doctor, if he is stiffing you--

He is incapable of being serious for any length of time because he has to mask his own pain. He has to. It will literally drive him mad if he dwells. But he understands you better than he lets on.

Reaver is the selfish hedonism.

Astarion is probably the one that will put aside his own personal desires most effectively. He will see something is wrong, and while he isn't in tune with emotions and sickness as Corvus is, he will know that look. That phrase. That behavior. He has lived a life that was not his own, had his body taken, and he knows what it looks like to pray for death. He knows what it looks like. He has lived it.

He is the most likely to approach it from a genuine perspective. He will try to make it seem like a normal night, but he'll grab two glasses of wine and sit with you. Talk about books. He will make off-color jokes to keep you off his trail, but really what he's doing is checking in. He is making sure you are okay. He is getting to know you on an earnest level and showing he cares, in a way.

Keep in mind, Astarion is the most mentally healthy as it stands, but he knows very much what it is to suffer. It's a memory that absolutely sticks with him. He knows exactly what it is. Your situation is all too familiar. He knows you aren't well not because he knows what it is in a clinical sense, but because he recognizes it.

He isn't versed in mental illness much at all. He has no book or clinical knowledge. He cannot prescribe you medicine or give you doctorly advice. But he will listen. He will just listen to you rant. To your feelings. He will bite you and get you very comfortable so that you will talk against your own will. He thinks the benefit is worth the cost. He has 'venom' that can make you more pliable. He will abuse it.

You can be angry at him for making you vulnerable, but he thinks it's important because closing yourself off isn't helping. He isn't just trying to take advantage of you. He is actually trying to help in his twisted way.

He will work in tandem with Corvus and Ilya as the 'less clinical' of the triumvirate. The more genuine-seeming. You will feel more comfortable being truthful and telling him things you won't tell Corvus or Ilya, but he will tell them because they are the closest to a doctor and they are the ones that can actually help in a 'medical' sense-- as much as they can. If things are getting bad or there are symptoms he doesn't recognize, it is important to figure it out.

He is the most likely to be genuine and open. He will tell you he understands and he means it. He has no reason to lie. He isn't that kind of sadist necessarily. It's more he has modes, and he is perfectly capable of flipping it off when it's important, even if he is still himself and still says off color things. He is the most open from the get-go whether or not he loves you yet because he has been in this situation. He knows exactly what it's like. It's not about love, it's about your body and your control. There is a line to be walked and while he isn't exactly healthy or not perpetuating the cycle of abuse, it isn't quite like ascending him the other way. He still has empathy. He still has feelings.

He is the one that will approach the other three and tell them that they need to back the fuck off because there are times he feels like you're more open with him than they are just because of how he approaches things. That something is wrong. That as fun as it is, there is something wrong. That some things are more important, and that if they actually care about you, they need to tone it the fuck down for a bit and focus on your wellness and if they don't care about you, they need to back the fuck off for good and let him do what he can to help you because this is taking a toll and he won't stand for it. He will not become Cazador-- even as they literally are doing the same shit.

There are 'cravings' he understands. The desire to see your own blood. For control in any way you can steal it. He's not going to let you fool him into being a tool for your own self-hatred, which for him, is huge because he has to learn the difference between brat taming and learning when he is being deliberately goaded for pain's sake. If you're trying to punish yourself, he's going to learn what you're doing. If you're trying to drive him into a frenzy so he will drain you dry, he will learn.

He will level with you. Hurting yourself isn't an option. Taking your own life isn't an option. None of them want that kind of pain from you, and your situation is severe enough that it's easy to be overwhelmed with both kinds of pain happening. Make your life easier. Work with them. That it is in your best interest to accept the help they give you. He understands how angry you are. How you feel. What it is you're feeling and how intense it is. But it can get better. And then he will laugh because the situation is darkly hilarious. But it can. You might as well utilize the tools they are willing to give you. They can help if you'll let them.

None of them will judge you for your mental health, but Astarion remembers. He is the one that has faced it and come out the other side. He is the success story.

He is the 'comfort' where Corvus is the 'clinical' and Reaver is the 'bad urges'.

Astarion is the earnest and genuine.

Ilya knows, and Ilya is my character. He is built off of my own thoughts, illnesses, insecurities, and pieces of myself. I can speak more to him than the other three because I don't have to discuss it with a secondary party. I just know him. Similar to Corvus in medical knowledge, albeit not formal. He will be able to see the signs. He is very, very good at reading people because it is how he survived. He had to maneuver his own mind as well. He knows something is off from the start and will be one of the first to see it without intense scrutiny. He will try to get a jump on it because you're about to be in a very stressful situation and he also just finds minds fascinating.

He will be a mix of cool and clinical. He will approach it from an organized perspective. He will ask you how you are feeling, what your levels are, 'on a scale' questions, and what your urges are. He will prod you for hours if need be. Full attention on you. He will take notes like a fuckin' psychologist for 'later study' (his version of your medical record.) He will seem very detached from it in an emotional sense and it will be a very strange opposite to his sexual self. His entire focus is on you, your health, and nothing else. No interruptions. No awkwardness. No feeling like he doesn't care or isn't listening or is freaking him out. Just genuine interest. None of that awkward shit where you have to apologize to someone who you chose to trust because your story is making them emotional. He's very good at distancing.

It's best to be honest. He knows when you lie. He will ask you outright why you are lying, if you are uncomfortable, and what you hope to accomplish by being dishonest to him. If you've ever been institutionalized, you know what I mean. There are some things he will be insistent about but pushing someone isn't always what's best and he knows that.

When you have an outburst and begin yelling and getting upset (and you will) he will watch patiently and ask you if it makes you feel better to lash out. If you need to scream more. If you'd like a moment alone. He doesn't mean to be condescending, but his very nature always makes him seem like he is. You can be trying to hit him and it's just laughable how he blinks and asks you 'Is this helping? Do you feel better?' Maddening, even.

He is the one that is going to treat it the most like a doctor because that's how he approaches these things. That's how he looks at himself and the world around him: surgically and clinically. It's how he learned to live. Suggesting alternate coping methods, healthy outlets, and different perspectives. He is going to want you to want to talk to him about it, and is willing to patiently earn that trust. It's almost funny when you consider it the rest of the time. It's like inside his weird little office, he is a different person. No really inappropriate jokes unless you're the kind of person where it eases your distress. No selfishness and making it about him. Just him being Dr. Ilya. Genuinely interested. Genuinely wanting to help if for no other reason than "he finds it fascinating."

It stems, like most things, from his mother. She was ill. Very ill. He remembers. He knows what she went through. How she struggled. She held on to the end but that was out of sheer stubbornness. He inherited quite a bit of it, but he's lived so long it's all a jumbled mess now. He takes control where he can get it. He gets it, in a weird way, but doesn't recognize it on a cognizant level. He just knows it feels familiar and he doesn't like that you feel it, and thus, he will find a way to cure it or quiet it. He's been gone for so long that it just doesn't register as illness. It warped into something darker.

He keeps an eye on you just as much as Corvus does, but he's more likely to give you space (and by give you space I mean you won't notice him watching where as Corvus doesn't necessarily care if you know.) He is more manipulative in a way, but it's a completely separate way. He wants you to feel mentally well even if he is breaking your boundaries when you don't know.

He will bind you, if he feels it is necessary for your safety. He will tranq or sedate you to keep you calm if he senses things are going awry, and gently lie you down and just... sit with you. He will tell you to let it out and when you're ready, you can talk about it. If you're like me and you're stubborn and won't cry or speak at length usually, he will accept it but joking promise to keep Corvus at bay if you happen to and swear he doesn't have the same reaction to vulnerability. He will give you a place for tantrums. He won't ever make you speak, but he will absolutely manipulate you if he thinks it's in your best interest and ultimately for the better. His morals are twisted. He will abuse the trust if he thinks it will actually be better for you in the long run. He isn't a doctor, and he never signed an oath. He's just clever and has been around for ages and learned things.

He will know when it is too much to touch you. When you want to have space. When you don't want to talk. He knows what cracking looks like and he is quite good at mitigaing it, and when he speaks, the others will listen because it's very rare that he ever takes anything seriously. He will be one of the ones to come up with a plan to get everyone what they want.

Keep in mind, this does not make them good or nice. The entire situation is deplorable but what I am saying is that they can have moments of clarity where they will back the fuck off.

He will be gentle but firm. He will tell you that what you want isn't an option. He wants to break into the issues you have and rip them down to the root. He understands abandonment trauma and suicidal ideation because he has felt it but when you eventually pick up that he is speaking from experience, he is going to look at you and say "If it helps you to believe that." and you almost will believe he doesn't know. He does. He will never talk about his own issues. Not now.

The closer you get, the more intimate things will become. The 'sessions' are entirely separate from his desires, but if you're comfortable, or you just need someone to hold you, or whatever, he would love that. Just hold you and ask the questions a bit more intimately. Maybe you just need your hair stroked because you're touch starved. Maybe you have scars you need to moisturize and he can help. Maybe you just need to bitch that his brother is a complete fuck for a moment. You can sit together, or lie down together, or whaever makes you happy. Over time, it gets less clinical and more like a lover taking an interest in their beloved. He tells you he is trying to help. It's strangely the most honest you will see him until later because it touches on something he personally understands.

It's very strange because he is absolutely a bastard, but it's like this switch flips in his brain when things are serious or he sees certain patterns or recognizes behaviors. He shoves it down and immediately goes into serious mode. Cracking mental state is not to be fucked with and he knows. He and Corvus deliberate things together on how best to work this together since they technically have the tools best to maneuver the situation. They've been around for a long time.

He is very good at seeing the signs, and in some cases (this might be because he is mine) he is the best one for saying exactly what you need to hear... albeit in an unnerving way.

Abandonment issues that cause some serious problems? He knows. He has them. He sniffs that shit out fast. He will outright tell you what he would want to hear. "You are mine. I have already chosen and I will not do so again. All things I do are deliberate. I have chosen you. Do you understand? Pretty, broken thing, I have chosen you as you are, not as what you could be or what I thought you might be. You do not scare me, though it humors me that you try. You are mine. All of you. Even the parts of you that are jagged and vicious and bleed everyone who gets close. You will understand. You will come to. You are mine, and that means I lay claim to all parts of you."

When it comes to suicide, he gets a bit weirder. Sadder almost. More of a "There is no reprieve on the other side. There is nothing you do not feel now; no cure that rests just beyond the veil. It is best to face the now and the devil you know, because there is a devil you don't and he is crueler and sharper and slices deeper. We have seen death. We have caused it. We are as intimate as lovers, he and I. There is nothing in his cold grip that will calm you. No softness or kindness to his unrelenting grip that might soothe you. Death is easy and it is fast and swoops as a vulture and there is no peace in your carrion being picked apart. It is natural to long for it, to feel some piece of you can only be at rest once you embrace it, but I can tell you I have seen the other side and the River Styx is not a gentle current, but a maelstrom, and when the water claims you, there is no more death to pray for. Live now, and understand the warmth. The pain. All things. Life is fleeting and death comes quickly enough. Do not go knocking on his door. There is no rest awaiting in his home."

And you won't know what the fuck he's even talking about. Like his weird ramblings don't help. But he knows. He died. In a way, if you look closely, he is opening up to you inadvertently. He pulled a reckless suicide in a way and he's been paying for it ever since. He thought it would ease his pain. It didn't. It has to do with his backstory. He's been there. He got what he wanted. It didn't ease his pain. It won't ease yours.

He will try. It's very strange, honestly, to see him go from the horny terror to this but people are complex, man. He's lived a long time-- or been dead a long time, more accurately. He understands suffering. His brothers understand. They just all have different ways of processing.

He is the only one I can say for certain would recognize very specifically what you're going through. He can pull back. He won't just stop being himself, but he is capable of averting crisis. He will give advice to the others based upon what he knows and his notes. Together they can and will make an effort to get you better because you are who they chose, and that means all of you.

Ilya is the clinical but caring.

They are all pieces of ways people deal with things. Four parts of a whole.

Deep down, most of my kinks and these silly little aus and my love of these men all stem from the same thing. Deep seated issues that result in a desire to be loved unconditionally. To be wanted to badly despite my faults that someone can see the absolute worst parts of me and still be adamant and forceful that I am theirs. To be weak before something for once, and taken care of and even infantilized because my life has been the complete opposite and I've always been alone. To be wanted so desperately and so irrationally that it borders on a form of madness. Something deeply rooted with claws that sink and grab and do not let go. To be chosen by someone (someones) and committed to, no matter how bad I get. How I act out. How I operate that would scare the shit out of a normal person. No matter what I say or do that would drive off every other person.

The men have their own issues. But in my aus, they have chosen you, and that means they do not let go. They do not back off. They do not relent. They are not normal men. You aren't going anywhere, and that includes anywhere you try to take yourself. They try, albeit sometimes poorly, but they try. They all have their own issues and their manners of dealing with things reflect that. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have control because that nasty little voice in my head tells me shit.

They aren't health experts. They aren't people you should deliberately look to for help. They are bad men and you should never forget that. They aren't wholesome, healthy, idealistic ideas of love. They are toxic and abusive and bad. And I'm sure there's something to be said psychologically about that being who I immediately turn to.

But sometimes, it might help to see yourself falling apart and you hear their voice in your head. You see them on the edge of your bed. They look at you with fucked up but unconditional love. They tell you to get up. Or they tell you it's okay. Sometimes they are just there with you. They see you at your worst and they are still there, the ghosts in your head, because when the mind is lonely, it creates things where it cannot find them.

Sometimes it gets weird and they get very turned on at seeing the entire thing. Maybe that's what you need. To feel desirable in your calamity and mental tempest. Whatever it takes to make you feel better. It's weird. I never claimed it wasn't. But we all have coping methods. My dreamworld is mine.

Hopefully this all makes sense and explains why there's no real canonical way they deal with it. It hasn't really been touched on beyond once or twice when I couldn't pull back for some reason. I have vent stories but those are just self indulgent (or terrorizing, as it were) garbage. I do not think everyone copes like I do and I do not think that other people necessarily enjoy talking or speculating about this sort of thing. I think it drags them down and makes them sad and hurts their mental state and I'd rather swallow it than drag someone else down. It isn't their problem. Having confirmation is great but not at the cost. It's just an uncomfortable subject for most folks and it's very heavy.

I realize I (again) went off the rails here but it's a touchy subject and one that I know a lot of my follower struggle with. It's something you really have to be careful about, you know? But if this isn't what you meant, let me know and I'll happily switch it up for you.

[shmegmilton]

What was James Madison sick with?

     It’s unclear. Historians have their theories (including some people who say he wasn’t sick at all he was “just a hypochondriac,” which is... an awful take. for several reasons), but there’s obviously no real way to confirm them & medical science wasn’t advanced enough for them to understand anything too complicated, so the notes we do have aren’t that much help.

The Hypochondriac Theory

   Some historians have labeled Madison’s issues as “hysteria” because Madison tended to surround himself with doctors & complain of issues that he ended up not having. After all, he couldn’t have been that sick--he lived to 85! He outlived all the other Founding Fathers! He was lying the whole time, right?

  People tend to use hypochondria (an obsession over your health to the point you think any change is indicative of a serious problem--like thinking a headache lasting more than a few hours is brain cancer) as a passive-aggressive way of saying “you’re faking it.” It’s synonymous with people who worry about nothing & do shit for attention. This is particularly true if your problem is so rare that there isn’t a lot of accurate ways to test for it, so results either come up as inconclusive or negative.

But the main thing that people don’t like to talk about when discussing hypochondria is that it doesn’t just... happen at random. I would know. I have it.

I’ve been sick since I was a newborn; I’ve had 4 brain surgeries, 5 broken arms, 3 bone marrow transplants, bone cysts, 3 eye surgeries (about to be 4), Shunt placements, ETV placements, Hydrocephalus, Osteopenia, brain damage, scars all over my body & 11 surgeries before I was 12 years old. Hypochondria is often the result of legitimate medical episodes, particularly if it’s something traumatizing--directed towards yourself, or towards a close family member.

It’s valid trauma just like anything else, and is oftentimes only “cured” through things like mood stabilizing medication, lifestyle changes, or behavioral therapy.

So, Madison having hypochondria or not is irrelevant to the whole discussion, because (as I can attest) it’s entirely possible to be suffering from hypochondria, & still have “real” medical issues.

Underweight

All of the physical descriptions of Madison we have tell us that he is 5″4′’ & “never weighted over 100lbs,” which... is probably true, but I wouldn’t say never because that’s immediately disprovable once you start looking around; apparently his official weight during his presidency was 122bs. But at that point he was 57, so things could have changed.

Hell, I was 130lbs three years ago & only RECENTLY got to that number again; it’s hard to keep on weight when you’re struggling with health issues.

Weak Immune System

Madison’s immune system has been implied to be very weak. We don’t have that many examples of childhood illnesses or such things like that, but a particularly telling example is how his family discouraged him from attending a local college in Virginia.

He wanted to go to William & Mary, but was dissuaded by his doctors due to malaria outbreaks being very common in the South during the summer. So the assumption there is Madison (who lived in Virginia all his life, summers & all) probably went through something severe recently? Maybe? It’s unclear.

So he went to Princeton (Class of 1771) in New Jersey instead, & was actually one of the first graduates to peruse extra education... but only because he was too sick to travel home & decided to stay a while longer.

Though, there’s also apparently a legend that Madison (because he finished his courseload in 2 years, instead of 3) had a mental breakdown over it & therefore needed to recuperate (with... more work?), but I’ve never been able to find that much information on it.

Seizure-Like Episodes

Following college, in July 1775 Madison attempted to volunteer as a soldier. But during a routine training exercise, Madison all the sudden collapsed (or fainted) & was reportedly unresponsive for several minutes. This would be a common occurrence for pretty much the rest of his life.

     Episodes tended to be accompanied by what Madison described as mild delirium, memory loss & a suspension of “intellectual function.” It’s led some people to theorize he suffered from epilepsy, since it’s common for sufferers to be confused, agitated or upset following an episode—because you often have no memory of it after ‘waking up’. Specifically, the behavior is theorized to be petit mal or “absence” seizures.  

“Vocal Impairment”

     Accounts of what Madison was like as a public speaker all seem to agree that he spoke so softly that it was oftentimes difficult to hear him; it was oftentimes shrill, but quiet & he reportedly had trouble raising his voice to a decent volume.

This one is a bit of a mystery, but Madison had been complaining about a “vocal impairment” as early as his teenage years, in what I can only assume to be some sort of vocal chord issue, or a respiratory problem (like trying to speak when you have something stuck in your throat.)

     As much as I dislike Hamilton, the play actually hints at this in a clever way by having the Madison character speak minimally (as well as carry a handkerchief around). Well done, I guess.

“Biliousness”

     Later in his life, Madison started suffering from something called “biliousness,” which is just an outdated term for conditions that cause gastrointestinal problems, like chronic stomach inflammation or etc.

--

      In the end, James Madison died of (we assume) congestive heart failure at the age of 85, remaining pretty alert up until the last few months before his death. He outlived nearly all of his peers (if we’re counting Burr) & probably did a lot better than what his doctors expected out of him.

[melnchly-a]

i was debating posting this but here are a range of things to think about re: police and reform. 

i’m seeing a lot of “abolish the police” posts, and while i know exactly where that’s coming from, it’s also a simple-seeming answer to a deep and complex problem, and one that’s likely to cause more problems than you’re likely thinking. (in the absence of police, it’s likely - - though certainly not guaranteed - - that those who can afford it will invest more heavily in private security for businesses/personal protection/etc, whether that need is warranted or not. in the event of situations occurring that would have required police presence, you would likely see more federal law enforcement/military presence. worst-case, imagine a country led by someone like our current president where the only option is to send in federal agents and believe me, you don’t want that.) neither do you probably actually want to call for a mass exodus of police of their own volition. i can tell you right now the ones you want out wouldn’t be leaving. you’d be left with departments entirely composed of people with no qualms about excessive force. you WANT those people staying on the force, and you WANT them to have the resources they need to report on fellow officers when needed. 

it’s also just not likely to happen in any widespead way. not in our current society. if you want to create real change, there are other things that need to be addressed, campaigned for, and fixed. things which will not be fixed if we’re trying to focus on overly simple answers for deeply complex problems.

this isn’t to disagree with the notion of reallocating funding to benefit schools/public services/etc. i think that’s entirely necessary. but there’s more to the story than simply cutting funding. 

police need to address and apologize for excessive use of force and abuse over the history of policing. if not for individual officers who may or may not have participated, than for the historical precedent as a whole. pretending there isn’t a problem isn’t a help to anyone. 

as i’ve said multiple times in the past, police unions and those who negotiate with them make it notoriously difficult for departments to get rid of officers with complaints against them. the department in minneapolis is headed by a black chief of police who had sued his own department based on issues of race in the past. he should have been able to get rid of officers like c.hauvin with no issues and yet....obviously, that man was still on the force. there need to be ways for a.) departments to fire problem officers without someone over their heads reinstating them and b.) ways for officers to report on their fellow officers without repercussions. i can tell you right now that those methods don’t currently exist in any wide-spread or efficient/effective form.

body cams, dash cams, and other oversight tools need to a.) be “sold” more effectively to the police as measures of protecting BOTH themselves AND the citizens they serve. there ALSO need to be real consequences for tampering with these, turning them off, etc.

police need more training and they need higher-quality recruits. understaffed departments lead to issues you’ll see in places like flint, where it can take three hours or more for police to respond to a call. not because they’re (most of the time) doing anything wrong, but because there aren’t enough of them in comparison to the total population. this could include decisions like requiring college or college-like degrees, but that would also mean higher pay for police officers. which i realize isn’t a popular idea at the moment, but is a fact of those requirements. (furthermore, many city police in small to mid size cities, not to mention suburban police, don’t have adequate crowd-control training. this is not an excuse for the way police have been handling crowds in recent days, but it is something that has come up in discussions. many of them are reacting with excessive crowd-control measures where lesser measures were needed.) this training should absolutely include recognizing police brutality in the past, the racism in the system as a whole, recognition and response to explicit and implicit bias, recognizing mental health issues, etc. training is a problem every law-enforcement officer i’ve spoken to in the last few weeks, in an attempt to understand what’s happening, has brought up. the people i’ve spoken to have dedicated their lives to establishing mental health education for police, who have actively removed aggressive or racist officers in the past, etc. they’re just as frustrated and angry with the reactions police are displaying as you and i are. and they’re actively doing things to try to help. unions, government, etc make that more difficult than it should be. 

many police, particularly in large cities, don’t live in the cities/neighborhoods they’re policing. (many smaller, particularly suburban, departments require that their officers live in the town they work in.) sometimes this is because they can’t afford to (nypd officers start at around  $42,500/year - about $3,541/month or  $885/week BEFORE tax -  in a city where the median rent for a studio apartment sits at about  $2,700/month. these officers can obviously make more as they spend more time on the force, but that’s the stated starting salary according to their website. the salary after 5 1/2 years is $85,292). this means they don’t know the areas/people/etc they’re policing, are more likely to make snap judgments based on false information, etc. it wouldn’t solve everything, but rules for employment regarding residency could mean better policing in cities and their neighborhoods. 

for a profession that includes seeing things like scenes of murders, assaults, suicides, and wellness checks that lead to decomposing bodies, mental health care for police is abysmal. i mean it’s....bad in the u.s. in general, but it’s notoriously bad for active-duty military, veterans, and first responders...including police. this isn’t to mention that officers who self-report mental health problems are often put on leave rather than given the resources they need. this means compounded stress, trauma, etc, going unaddressed in a highly dangerous and stressful profession.

police DO handle more than they likely SHOULD be handling, including things like wellness checks, nonviolent domestic disputes, etc. more often than not, they’re doing so without specialized training for those situations. these should absolutely be divided out into unarmed (or lightly armed, i.e. with pepper spray etc), specially trained units. you’re still going to want armed police units to exist in the u.s. - - i can tell you for a fact that in my fairly quiet suburban hometown ALONE there have been active shooter/barricade/hostage situations that could not be deescalated without use of force, despite attempts to do so.

qualified immunity needs reform. you can read more about that here. this allows not only for officers to get away with police brutality, but for all public officials to get away with a wide range of crimes. 

we need to campaign for citizens to be integrated into police oversight. police are paid by taxpayer dollars, and they are meant to serve and protect the people. again, this is an issue for your local government and police unions. when you’re communicating with gov’t officials, make it clear that you want something like this implemented. 

and, yes, there need to be strong and immediate consequences for excessive use of force. 

i’m not saying any of this to make it seem like police brutality or the racism inherent in the law enforcement and justice systems doesn’t exist. it does, and it needs to be addressed. what i am saying is that addressing that is a more complex problem that requires deeper thought for successful reform. Black people, particularly men, are at leas 3x more likely to experience police brutality, and that needs to end. 

tl;dr, some things to be aware of, petition for, etc: 

charging and convicting police brutality as a crime (with the understanding that this means it should be treated as any crime in a court of law)

holding all first responders accountable for their actions.

allowing and enabling officers to respond to police brutality they’re witnessing, including training on how to intervene, better reporting methods, policies that would not punish them for reporting, etc 

reform in police unions

better police training in general

national standards for police training (believe it or not, these don’t currently exist)

better mental health care and mental health policies for police and other first responders 

citizen involvement, including in oversight

voting in state and local elections for officials who have plans to respond to these issues, and who are actively listening to their constituents 

reallocation of funding so that the funding is more equally spread to education and community support

Some Sources/ Further Reading: 

“How to reform American police, according to experts” from Vox

Police officer salary and benefits, NY Gov

“Adopt minimum national police use-of-force standards and train cops for interaction” USA Today

“‘An Impossible Situation’: How Chief Arradondo Has Struggled To Change The Minneapolis Police Department” CBS Minnesota

“What We Should Expect of the Police: Experts Weigh In On Recent Police Violence,” Center for American Progress

Police Reform, The Flip Side

The Center for Policing Equity

[dogcollar101]

How To Keep Your Dog From Running Away Plus How to Build a Very Cosy (Free) Pet Bed

How a large four orders rescue lives

As stated by the National Health Service and press accounts, over 4,500 events per year from the U.K. have people and dogs, together with kids being the most significant prey category. . You might be more inclined to be intimidated by your dog compared to win the lottery!

1 episode is an undesirable statistic but and soon you accept your dog runs off as you let these events will keep that occurs. There are 5 fundamental actions, 4 significant controls and 3 key devices that you want to find out to utilize effortlessly to acquire control and also to build subject in your own dog. This informative article explains the way to achieve so and just how to avoid your dog working out. A collar and guide will work tools of hands, only exactly the like holding your little one's hand. Mobile phones are just another security apparatus we utilize together with your kids to maintain touch as well as for a far safer and more secure atmosphere. Our dogs really are not as crucial and therefore so are at a greater statistical risk compared to our kiddies. Your voice is not likely to be enough. Whistling is hardwork plus it presumes your pet discovers the whistle stronger than that which exactly are at the close of your own nose. You have to begin to comprehend that quitting your dog working out is an ability to be learned and developed an ongoing basis, and such as people, the enter of patience and love, will likely be repaid. The odds is that in case your young ones are version kiddies your pet probably will soon likely be too, but it does not mean it's certainly likely to be simple to coach, it merely means you almost certainly have the disposition and determination to continue to keep your pet secure and disciplined. I admit this guide could be a little contentious however, also the processes work and won't harm or hurt your own dog. Neglect and ignorance can be really just actually a far larger killer. If You Would like to prevent your puppy working out you will find just 3 points that your needs to attain:

Instant response Your puppy's entire and undivided focus Complete obedience You Want to Know There Are 3 Good Reasons why your puppy will run off:-

Sex Cruelty Owner Mis-management Each one reason as mentioned previously could possibly get your pet murdered or badly hurt. In the event that you overlay insufficient success with the 3 most disciplinary aspects you've got serious problems to address and also you also want to improve this fast or risk your own furry friend resulting in death or critical injury. The final result is going to be losing of one's furry friend by lethal injection, gun shot or deadly accidents. If minors are included and they truly have been your family it'll destroy not just your own life but that of one's whole family. This is the way I view it any way and it's that inspires me to receive it directly. Your furry friend running is perhaps never to be dismissed. I propose to test some simple helpful tips which may make your daily life simpler and boost your own association with the creature at a degree you can appreciate and focus onto good impact. I will discount the initial two reasons which cause conducting a way. For those who require guidance to manage them give your puppy to some loving household, this guide isn't for youpersonally. Your dog exists with perceptions that once participated are so compelling you light in to insignificance when they have been participated. That you never have to be your dog whisperer to appreciate that, however you can watch it to the moment you call back your dog. It's maybe perhaps not just a fantastic moment as soon as your pet embarrasses you for the inability to handle it. I do believe a year at your dog's lifetime is all about 6.5 of years, thus by the end of year your pet ought to be needs to makeout noises, short sentence words and structures. The four main orders in sequence are:

Sit cure down remain Dogs really are quick learners. Not merely do they understand your disposition, but they just take every thing directly into the border constantly and they're also quite persistent. The earlier you get started teaching them the greater, attempt to create it interesting without even completing with a dog. Remember that your kiddies really must not be forcefed with a sizable McDonalds everytime that they obtain their dining table ways and The National Hedgehog Road Skills award hasn't been obtained by way of a hedgehog. A direct result could be the same of one's kid's hand. You speak through it precisely the exact identical manner. You wouldn't permit your son or daughter pull you off the feet, notably on a major road, therefore utilize exactly the exact identical area with your own dog.

Step 1 ). It's obviously your fault

I truly do not feel that Springer Spaniels using their pesky ears may hear you precisely over 30 metres off until you shout which causes you to try looking in hands does it not. Once I was younger I had a liver and white springer'Bramble'. He knew for the afternoon exactly what struck him if he had been busy rounding up sheep. I'd have managed to play with to that British Lions using a French handle similar to that, canine went flying, perhaps maybe not at the least little hurt, only caught in the action. He yelped only with fright, but not chased sheep and now episode if he can hear me he reacted immediately to all of the Big-4 orders.

Step Two. How to avoid the dog pulling off the feet.

A sharp and incredibly hard yank the guide yanking back your dog supporting you'll do just fine. Subsequent to the 2nd or next period they'll desist. That is always easier to complete if your St. Bernard can be still a puppy, that explains the reason why I say start instantly. Bad habits are manufactured by the owners not the dogs. Never permit your puppy to tug. Start by holding your pet's hands (the guide ) and work ardently in a disciplined as well as at a reasonable way, and also reward good performance and subject and also focus with behavior that falls short. Little and often is equally good and also a regular is effective. The item that actually gets results will be patience. You wouldn't simply take out your child to some deflecting environment to show them don't get it done to your own dog . Get your pet's care and eye contact and advancement can improve. If you're experiencing trouble getting your pet's care boost the deal value e.g. noodle beef. That really is all about hearts and thoughts and growing absolute confidence. Enough opportunity to utilize treats reaches the start of teaching that the control. Once your dog knows what's demanded of this, a tap on the mind and some reassuring words is adequate.

Step 3. The Way to slow down your dog to a pace

Just how a lot of you really wouldn't hang on tight to a own 6 year-old child's hands at the city center? Would you anticipate that your six year old to speak fluent Russian? No, therefore do not expect your pet to comprehend what sounds exactly the exact same in their mind. Make use of the guide to construct confidence and a great deal of patience. By the time that your dog is just six months old they'll soon be getting more biddable, more interested and much more ascertained but up into this first season you may not be confident. But you're desperate to provide your pet the liberty of this encounter about. A match keeper educated me an excellent strategy called hobbling. Your puppy's collar must allow one to receive three hands under it, even in the event that you cannot it really is overly tight. Simply stick with your puppy's front paw throughout the crate, it appears barbarous, its not and you're able to grab your pet dog on three legs, so it places the odds in your favor, and that means that you finally have the chance to teach your pet to stay near for you, or obtain it back . Do not make work with of a retractable guide it motivates your pet to tug off. Dogs retractable leads aren't correctly trained (this type of statement might be tremendously contentious however I might assume that those owners wont be reading this kind of article therefore that there will not be anybody to violate!)

Step 4. Period - how much time does it take to teach my dog? I presume 300 hours has a fundamental occupation done until your puppy will pertain in to state saving, field sports, or even societal human activities such as military or police work. It will take a fantastic year to repay and train your pet dog. If you receive the Big-4 orders in fast and the dog will begin to execute well however it is going to require no less than annually so have patience and persist. Exercise all of the period - practice makes perfect. ( in addition, it can help you shed weight!) . I finally have a black and white Springer Spaniel and that she had been dreadful for conducting off. This really was my fault. On shadowy evenings I just had to become distracted for a moment and also your dog has been gone. That I am at the dark and pouring rain, then yelling off my head and also canine is at the following county. Twenty anxious minutes after I obtain yourself a chunk of sand straight back! Never be cross legged with a husband, it really is after the fact and so they can misinterpret you, resulting in trauma and confusion. Only get a note yourself to prepare an exercise session at a restricted environment to repair the issue whilst kicking your bottom and perhaps maybe not the dogs!

Step 5. The Way to prevent your puppy working out

You may spend countless hours dealing together with these, you teach the 4 commands so when they're more than 6 weeks and really know the controls then you've got to create subject to endure or face the potential for an unthinkable episode. I've tried whistles, going after her and only leaving her, not one that can be just displays canine to threat. When I can not restrain your dog in both long and short stove she's unworthy from the field besides just a pet. How do I prevent my furry friend out of working out. A match keeper indicated that an electrical collar. I dismissed it out of hand to be unkind, however it's maybe perhaps not quite as unkind as watching your furry friend in misery trapped to some wheel. I opted to try out an electric collar resolved to become fair and kind. It's transformed canine with no cruelty whatsoever which is the way it works: First and just after six weeks , and just when the Big-4 orders come inplace can you utilize . My collar includes an audible alert that canine can hear much when she can not hear or see . She immediately learned to react for the bleep, this means just 1 item'Heal'. Ever since crazy life has got really hearing and fantastic vision toowe expect to find plenty of it if we have been outside today because we're silent, your dog is in order in any way times and especially is safe. Your puppy and notably Springer Spaniels would require to complete as you ask. You ought to be there during the right time of any episode that requires care or arresting and also a bleeper is in fact on the area as well as instant. If your dog does not respond you can find 8 preferences to'tweak your dog's ear', establishing to and including shock. Most these are much milder than demanding handling or hitting dog. They all hurt a whole good deal less than influence with the HGV. I have to stress that in the event you never possess the enormous four orders inplace and also a certain dog you shouldn't deploy this kind of tool, keep your pet on the lead. The collar is simply for the pet's control and protection and also the fee, that will be roughly exactly the same like a static shock in the door handle, doesn't lead to canine much disquiet, however it enables her know I need her care when everyone fails that will be pretty rare nowadays. I actually don't understand how a shepherds get it done however they will have my admiration. I actually don't want my pet to attain such levels. We've got a lot of fun together and that she loves my 2 girls, actually she loves everybody else including the postman! I believe patience would be your trick and after that it's an issue of time. . She has a distinctive settee inside our backyard (but not presumes that directly from your house), and also your dog house made from straw bales she loves since it's quite warm. She knows where the border is, also pushes it like mad, but she's secure and well behaved and in order in any way times because she can hear and each single day that goes with her understanding of speech and also excruciating procedure improves. I believe I shall always utilize an electrical collar today, it's a security device that makes me less nervous concerning your dog's behavior because I will concentrate on enlarging canine's understanding of orders, therefore her behavior continues to enhance and she plays with an even bigger plus a great deal more fulfilling role in day today tasks. In the event you never want your dog to conduct off access to grips with all your collar, guide, instruction, rewarding and subject and also be learned - the ideal method to try this gently is by using a bleeping collar - it works. I feel these new apparatus are your dog identical to a two way radio. No soldier goes into combat with no. I do believe that they truly have been here in order to stay and used sensibly will completely change your own life and also make teaching your pet a true joy with much less worry. Remember it's the finger over the button and you also choose whether you're a dog trainer or perhaps your pet dog re - I know that I am.

How much time does it have to instruct your pet the 4 Commands?

It requires approximately 20 minutes equipped with some very'must have' treats, then repeat the practice per time or so after for a couple seconds until you view it work instantly. I utilize mackerel fillets but whatever aside from chocolate is going to do just fine. For each and each single minute of practice you want one hour or so of training to find the control working consistently after which four or three times more to buy them working together. You'll cover gaps on your regular and also you also are going to certainly be in a position to see if the others have managed your own dog. Dogs will continually push to the limit to learn what they are able to eliminate and that means you've got to become that limitation and also you also can't do this by being fine and feeding canine treats. Never violate your pet by cruelty and bullying to find the claw you need, a busted dog doesn't get the job done precisely and whoever has trained your dog will put a broken dog off a mile, you can not hide it and also you also can not mend the hurt.

A control ought to really be instant, it's futile if it's not and can allow you to get personally, your kids, canine or any poor unsuspecting driver in to an unthinkable position, it's well worth the hard work.

Should you allow your dog on the settee - Training Versus Behaviour?

Oh boy is that a popular potato! Primarily your pet understands the gap between your scruffy sofa in the play room and the main one from the family area however, you might need to work longer on the practice. It's possible to let your pet perform whatever you want provided you put your time and campaign in together with the bottom rules, but here's just a very easy guide.

Your puppy contains just two standard adjustments, you to frighten and the alternative is more lively. Figure out what they are and exactly what exactly they mean. In the event you never desire a yappy dog you'll find the opportunity in approximately ten weeks to sort out it.

Do not permit your pet to act in a means that will be offensive to the others, I am certain that you never require an inventory from me personally.

You are able to make work with of a slap, a business voice or push orders as long because it's instantaneous. If your furry friend is outside reach that you'll have to be very quick (run and voice ) or utilize an electric collar. A sharp jolt beats a struggle or injury. If that really can be administered at the onset of action canine is not likely to replicate the offence. You wont violate canine doing so. Prolonged aggression or ferocious punishment fills your furry friend with dread. I've discovered them begin to yelp in front of a blow has been struck because they understand what's coming. Can you really do your own job knowing some one is all going to offer a good hanging? Neither can the dog. Never have I seen a broken dog which did not attract a lump into my neck and also have me scratching my lip to keep the tears back. Much like canine I suffer silently alone incapable to speak.

Being a Fantastic puppy owner and handler

Awful behavior develops as a consequence of not enough effort or selfishness by the proprietor. Just like your kids the longer patience and time spent together with them and effort that you put in to your own dog, the greater reward you may get with a powerful step of loyalty reimbursed. Like kids that they are going to grab injury between adults and also they don't really enjoy it. Neglect is going to bring about canine making its own rules and you are going to require your dog psychologist to intervene. Unless your pet is ill and needing 24 hour oversight, I would recommend that they should possess their very own special location. A kennel is ordinarily the very most useful so that they are able to get peace and to flake out and dry/chill outside and become . You'll not ordinarily possess your kiddies in bed with you, therefore I believe that it's somewhat strange to own your pets too. Deficiency of good sense is the thing that develops poor creature behavior. Lots of exercise, fantastic diet, subject, regular, attention and care will continue to work with the furry friend.

In conclusion, the 3 fundamental parts of equipment certainly are an outcome, a collar along with an audible apparatus which can be discovered anywhere immediately by means of your puppy which up on being discovered remembers your furry friend to a own side. . If a step of force will be required then this apparatus ought to be able to manage it or be supported it up.

How to Make a comfy dog mattress at no cost - well practically

I Believe a Excellent mattress creates a very Satisfied puppy, especially if they possess a Complete tummy

Being an engineer, specialising in materials storage and handling, as it regards a mattress for your dog I desired to generate a comfy spot for her to bed. For many weeks I persevered with puppy cushions but they simply become dirty and aren't too simple to wash or hot to sleep outdoors. In the winter this season we had two feet of snowwhich canine adored nonetheless it had been cold on her behalf and I wanted some thing .

Pallets tend to be equipment you are able to grab at no cost. Three or two are quite straightforward to convert to a bed. 1000mm x 1200mm is also an ideal size. When you experience an out house, shed or garage they'll fit easily indoors. It is irrelevant whether your dog chews them, the timber may be recycled or used for firewood of course if you make use of straw, the straw might be properly used or burnt. This alternative is not for everyone however the puppy will adore it and also you also will grow to appreciate it and this is the reason:

The straw helps you wash canine The dog may scratch and arrange that the straw since it needs The pallet and a couple of straw bales produce an extremely cozy den Filled with straw your pet can reside outside in all weathers Living out is best for canine Dogs can grow their natural seasonal jackets in accord with this climate. In they move to a country of lasting moulting, outside un-heated they are able to live longer naturally. The straw is comfy and hot annually round particularly with the extra security of 380mm into 450mm of insulating material on either side The pallet keeps your puppy away from the cold floor - crucial. Straw bales include #1.75 to 3.50 Prior to going in to blind fear of scabies or mange, I have not ever had any problem. However, if you're involved ask your veterinarian, I believe that you may realize that the contemporary treatments keep them anyway. Do be careful for cardboard and claws (stapled on). Plywood makes good shirts if the timber is a little rough after which your heavy straw does the remainder.

My pet wants her duvet mattress and can be quite satisfied to have to it and I rarely watch that her little dark nose encounter across the boundary of this bale until I predict on her behalf.

There's a great deal of crap talked about training and maybe perhaps not much help with the true control commands once they don't really get the job done. Much of that time period it's simply impossible to intercept behavioral and mistakes dysfunction with time to improve it you might say that the pet could very easily grasp the condition. This only makes it harder for both you and your puppy

I'm a stuff management engineer by profession, and also an enthusiastic motorcyclist that I use to get work the majority of the yearround. Even the BMW GS 1200 Adventure can be actually just really a trying and awesome system, therefore if you're in trade or industry and would like to develop or produce a brand new warehouse or production unit, then please go and see my site.

I've experienced spaniels all my own life, having grown up using them. I've always found it tough to get assistance with the very tricky pieces of training. I like to coach the basic principles and build my relationship with my dog and now I love to watch her employed in the area doing exactly what she does best and getting her to keep coming straight back again to me personally at a systematic manner and never through the county. I typically ship your pet to get a season having a keeper to empathize, it is somewhat like doing a ski season to get your own dog.

[5sosbitchfest]

Why Crusty is the Legit Worst: A Masterpost

So I mentioned a while ago in an ask that I could make an entire masterpost dedicated to why Crusty is the legit worst... and here it is. This is going to be a very long post, so bear with me.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

1. The racist/fatphobic/xenophobic tweets

Much before 5sos was involved, Crusty was one of those wannabe LA influencer/model people who tweeted shit like this:

Now, apparently she’s claimed that these tweets were faked and never apologized for them, but then again, when does she ever sincerely apologize? Oh wait, never. So, were these tweets faked or not? Well...

There are responses to the tweets on the left. Here are the responses to the top left one:

Jac Vanek was one of Crusty’s old friends. They’ve been photographed and tagged in the same photos together. So, sure, people could have found out they were friends and faked the tweet/response to the tweet. However, 1. how and why would anybody go that far, and 2. if you look closely, the screenshot with the other deleted tweets and the screenshot with the response look like they were on different phones (the emoji, font, spacing between the letters/lines). Two different phones, eh? It’s almost like the tweet was real and could be seen on multiple platforms! Wow!

In addition, the tweet was sent out on February 8, 2013. Here’s another response to the supposed fake tweet:

Same date, eh? And only less than an hour later! Who would go through so much trouble to fake the tweet, the responses, and even get it down to the dates that the responses were sent out?

Back to the first screenshot of all of her tweets:

The bottom left one had some responses too! Here they are:

Same date, a couple minutes later. Seriously, who would take the time to fake the responses down to the dates and times? It’s almost like... the tweet was real! *gasps*

Now, this response could possibly be one to the bottom right tweet:

The only reason why I’m unsure of this one is because the time the response was sent out was three hours prior to the actual tweet, not to mention the month of the tweet isn’t really distinguishable in the screenshot. Even so, the response looks pretty nasty, and I’m sure it was to an equally nasty tweet from Crusty.

Now, I can’t find proof of the top right tweet being fake or real, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was, considering she has no problem saying “sleazy foreigners.” Of course, obviously, these tweets were deleted, which brings me to my next point.

2. She deletes tweets whenever she gets backlash, doesn’t apologize, and plays the victim card.

So back in September, she had a pretty epic Twitter meltdown (which is still up, she didn’t delete it), where she basically guilt tripped her entire audience, whether they “hated” on her or not.

Uhhh... sure. I agree that you never know what someone is going through, but 1. these “trolls” you see are usually fans with valid opinions and reasons as to why they don’t like you, 2. the constant use of ‘do you want to do this’ or ‘do you want to be that’ is playing the victim card so hard and blaming literally anyone who reads the tweet, making them feel guilty, otherwise known as guilt tripping. Y’know, something that emotional manipulators/abusers do? Yeah, that, and 3. she just HAS to make the whole thing about her. Notice how she says “your words affect me” and puts "and any other person you’re bullying” in parentheses. Notice how she says “you don’t know if I’m depressed, going through trauma, etc.” Notice how she says “do you actually want to inflict pain, hurt, tears, & hate onto me & others?” She tried so hard to be inclusive... and failed. The whole thing is about her, and she just kinda threw in some other terms to make it seem like some kind of positive message for everyone, when in reality, it’s just her being a whiny brat.

Not to mention she just threw Messy into the mix and shaded Arz. Which, lol. Arz was literally her PR client. It’s actually very likely that she was the one who put Arz and Luke together. Hm.

There was the time she pissed off a bunch of Kpop fans when she tweeted this and automatically tried to patch it up:

She probably saw how pissed people got and tried to fix it and make it seem like it was just a joke. Even still, people saw it as being quite fishy, and rightfully so. After all, it probably wasn’t a joke. And then shortly after, like a few weeks or something, she posted a link to a BLACKPINK song or something saying how good the song was. Ooookay.

Then we have the magazine fiasco:

Basically people were angry because a magazine cover came out that featured mostly Luke and the other boys were kinda off to the side. Colliscool is some weirdly famous 5sos fan who is another wannabe LA influencer chick, and of course Crusty is kissing her ass because it makes her look nice. Anyway, if complaining about a magazine cover is “standing up for what you believe in,” what about actually important issues, like racism or homophobia or poverty? It’s a fucking magazine cover. And while it’s hard to hear, Luke is the lead singer, so it only stands to reason why he would be the main feature, tbh. But once Crusty compared fans to Trump, she received backlash, deleted these tweets, and never spoke of it again.

Let’s not forget how a few days later, the whitewashed photo of Calum came out, and people were angrier about that and thought it more important than the magazine cover (which I agree with), and Crusty didn’t say anything on the matter. People were pissed that she complained about the magazine cover and not the whitewashed photo of Calum, but those fans gotta understand that unless it involves Michael, she doesn’t give a shit. I mean, with the past xenophobic/racist tweets... her not saying anything makes sense.

Then there’s the more recent ordeal with Cardi B:

She really thought her backlash was about Mac Miller not winning. And when a fan tried to explain why Cardi B is problematic, she went ahead and played the victim card again. For comparison, here’s how Debby Ryan, Josh Dun’s fiancee, responded:

Not only did she acknowledge her lack of knowledge, she handled the situation by engaging with the people who were educating her, asking them for more information, and thanking them for educating her. Meanwhile, you have Crusty, who’s all like “WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW I’M ONLY HUMAN” and... yes, Crusty, we’re all fucking human, but not all of us are assholes. She likes to tweet, delete, and yeet, as I like to put it.

And I’m going to put this out there for people who might try to argue with me: yes, I spent a good hour scrolling through her twitter to try to find any ounce of proof that she’s a decent person. I did find some rt’s and threads of her talking about mental health and racism (she was talking about the movie the blackkklansman and how it’s revolutionary or something along the lines of that), and she took part in that whole campaign last year to get young people to vote. Here’s the thing: yeah, those are good causes. But it’s really easy to seem like a good person online. It’s so easy to say things and not mean them. Also, just because someone may have liberal viewpoints or morals doesn’t necessarily make them a good person, especially if they don’t outwardly show it, which brings me to my next point.

3. She’s an asshole to fans.

That’s kind of a well-known fact, at least, to the people who can see past her bullshit. She will literally enter group chats with fans, get the twitter names of people who talk bad about her, and block them on her and Michael’s accounts. But of course, because she’s interacting with the fans, she’s seen as a saint because she’s just so sweet!!! And whenever people don’t see that, well, they get blocked. She checks her indirects, obviously, so if you so much as mention her name in a negative way, she and “Michael” will block you. Which is so fucked.

Remember when she was rude to some fans in Bali a few years back? If not, here’s the video. When people saw the video, of course she played the victim card again:

Oh yes, because coming up with a bunch of excuses, mentioning the fact that you’re “crying in lax,” and using a thousand emojis really expresses how guilty you feel. Kiss my entire ass.

But that wasn’t the end of that! When Crusty went to Bali earlier this year, she met up with the very fan she was rude to after she sent the fan this DM:

And of course, the girl fell for her bullshit because she got to meet Michael. She just had to make herself look like such a sweetheart before the big engagement! And sadly, it worked, the fan was happy, and Crusty was seen as a saint once again:

She’s even a bitch from southy’s account:

Like... what that person said wasn’t even that bad. Them breaking up is a perfectly plausible situation (if they were actually dating, lol), and yet Crusty literally cussed them out for bringing that up. Oof yikes.

4. The nature of her “relationship” with Michael.

Their first public interaction on Twtiter was back in 2014, when Michael was 18.

This was right before Michael turned 19, so Crusty was 29-30ish (?) at this time (who the fuck knows, I’ll get to that later). It’s not exactly known if she was 5sos’ PR manager, but she was ATL’s, and since 5sos and ATL had worked together, it wouldn’t be surprising if she actually was/is 5sos’ PR manager.

So before Michael, Crusty had been dating a guy named Spencer. Crikey’s timeline starts in January of 2016, where Michael posted this photo of them:

They were “dating” at that time, but neither of them went public until January 2017. However, Crusty continued to consistently interact with her ex Spencer on ig, all the way from January 2016 to May/June 2016, and it started to slow down after that, though she still liked some of his posts here and there. There was even an instance where Spencer sent her flowers in April, which... why would your ex send you flowers???

My belief is that Crusty was still with Spencer at the time she started “dating” Michael, technically cheating on him, and I have an idea in my mind that he probably got sick of it and finally decided to drop her. Which, good for him. After all, she left to be with someone eleven years younger than her just to gain money and fame. Yikes. And apparently there were rumors of her sleeping with Jack from ATL (when she was still with Spencer) when she was their PR manager... she liked to fuck her way to the top and didn’t give a shit about cheating on her boyfriend, I guess.

Now, I know the age gap is a heavily-debated topic, but here’s my stance on it: if the younger party is a full grown adult (I’m talking late twenties/early-mid thirties) when they start dating a person several years older than them, then sure, whatever. They’re basically full-fledged adults who are capable of taking care of themselves and have matured enough to a point where they can make rational decisions for themselves. Michael was twenty years old when he started “dating” Crusty in 2016. People make the argument of “he’s a mature adult he can do whatever he wants!!!” Um... in legal terms, yes, Michael is an “adult,” but twenty is nowhere near the age of maturity. I’m 19, and I know several people around that age, younger and older, who can’t make rational decisions to save their lives. Early adulthood is still a time for growing and figuring things out, and just because Michael is a famous musician doesn’t mean he isn’t still figuring things out. Also... do people know how Michael acted when he was 20? Watch him in interviews, I dare you to call him mature. I’m sure he’s mature in some aspects, but overall, he’s still a young adult who is still in a stage of developing maturity-wise.

So what does this have to do with Crusty? Well, with Michael being 20 when they started “dating,” that would make her 31. A 31-year-old woman dumping/cheating on her boyfriend (who was actually within her age range) to chase after a barely-legal dork from a decently famous pop punk group. Doesn’t that sound sketchy? In my eyes, she took advantage of everything in that situation: the fact she was a PR manager, the fact that Michael was young and naive, the notion that she would get more money and notoriety, and that Modest was probably in need of a beard, well... I’m sure she didn’t hesitate. For her, it’s a win-win-win situation. Just look at her! It doesn’t even look like she has to work that hard anymore, like she’s gone full LA influencer who gets sponsors up the wazoo and gets paid to be a beard. Her fucking dog is a walking advertisement (just look at southy’s ig page, it’s pretty much all sponsors). And no, I’m not saying she doesn’t work, but it seems like social media has taken up most of her life. And she barely even uses it for good/actually important issues. So there’s that.

Fun tidbit: she’s been working in the whole PR/entertainment realm since 2002. Michael was 7. Let that sink in.

Anyway, yeah, my point is that her “relationship” with Michael is pretty creepy. If the roles were reversed, that the younger was female and older was male, people would see it as creepy rather than “they’re both mature adults who can make their own decisions!!” 1. No, that’s a huge double standard, and 2. any time an older person goes after someone who is several years younger, regardless of sex, will always be sketchy in my (and a lot of other people’s) eyes.

5. She is a massive hypocrite in pretty much every way.

Oh, the positivity and sunshine her stans claim she spreads is more like a nasty downpour of hypocrisy and bullshit. Let’s start with this whole ‘spreading positivity’ thing she’s all about.

Crusty stans always say she’s all about spreading positivity and loving yourself and fuck the haters and blah blah blah. I already showed an example above of how she guilt tripped the fuck out of her audience, whether they support her or not. It wasn’t her trying to prove a point, it was straight up guilt tripping, especially because of how much she inserted herself into such situations. She could’ve worded it much differently that shed light rather than guilt.

And this whole being positive/loving yourself thing... well, that brings me to the age thing.

No one seems to know how old Crusty is. 34 is the mostly-agreed upon age, so let’s roll with that. It’s no secret she gets treatments, I mean, just look at this post:

She literally admits to it. And unfortunately I can’t find screenshots of her raving about the intravenous vitamin treatments among other things, but I do remember seeing them (if anyone has them, let us know!)

And it’s been shown she loves to use photoshop (not just on herself either). I mean, how could you go from this:

to this:

She doesn’t even look like the same person! If anything, it looks like she’s gotten younger instead of older... oh wait.

And she always does that pouty-lip thing, and I have a friend who says she thinks she sees lip fillers, which wouldn’t be that surprising. I mean, just look at this old picture of her:

Yeah, keep telling yourself that those lips are all natural.

Seriously... in pretty much every photo of her on her ig, she’s jutting her bottom lip out like it’s some duck face selfie from like, 2011. Please.

And her ass, well.

Here’s what we see:

And here’s some reality:

Bruh even Luke has a bigger ass than she does.

She posted a video on her twitter of her in the first picture saying something like “to all the people who think it’s photoshopped,” but y’know, it’s like... videos can be edited. Camera angles and poses can make an ass look bigger. Okay sis.

Fun fact: she deleted that picture of her by the pool, probably because people were making fun of how she literally had her bathing suit stuck in her ass. I mean, that’s what she gets for trying to make it look like she has one when she doesn’t.

Aaaaand here’s the heavy hitter:

When my friend saw this photo, she said that if she didn’t know Crusty was Michael’s girlfriend, she would’ve thought she was his mom. Y I K E S.

You can see the age literally everywhere. Her entire face, neck, and even the skin on her elbow in the second pic (it’s one of the first things I noticed tbh). And this was literally back in Bali 2019. You know, not even four months ago? Like damn, the sun really did her dirty lol. These pics are why me and many others question her actual age. She seriously looks like she could be in her forties in these photos, which, if she is, then her “relationship” with Michael gets even more fucked up.

Oh and she doesn’t just photoshop herself. You have this monstrosity:

Like what the fuck? Who are they trying to fool here????

And then this:

That’s a really... interesting ear.

So yeah, what part of Crusty’s face/body/everything is real? Not much! So, if she’s all about positivity, loving yourself, embracing your flaws and "fuck the haters" and whatnot, why can’t she practice what she preaches? You’re getting older, get the fuck over it and start acting like it, maybe start accepting it and stop getting treatments that will probably eventually backfire (like in the Bali pic).

Moving on from her looks, her entire attitude is just extremely hypocritical. I saw how she tries to preach online about mental health and how important it is to take care of yourself, and then she does shit like this:

So you’re just going to make fun of someone who’s struggled with severe drug addiction and eating disorder like that? She’s said on her twitter that her father was an addict, yet she’s going to make fun of someone who struggled with the same issue?

She’s considered a role model because she speaks out about this kind of stuff, including feminism, but let’s examine this a bit. This is her pinned tweet, and has been for a while:

Good message, yeah? Oh, but then she interacts with disgusting trash like Musty Collins:

Musty Collins, who puts on this whole sad boi~ act and then name drops 5sos to prey on underage girls. If Crusty’s so keen on empowering women, WHY DOES SHE INTERACT WITH A LITERAL PEDOPHILE WHO PREYS ON YOUNG GIRLS. Literally two of the most emotionally manipulative people in the world of 5sos. I guess that’s how they get along so well. They should just get together, but they wouldn’t because they’re too old for each other.

And of course it circles back to her fatphobic tweets. So much for empowering women.

Considering that spreading positivity is what she’s known for (besides being with Michael, yikes), it surprises me that she say something like this that goes against her entire spiel:

Uhh... sis, you are a fake ass public figure trying to get people to like you by saying random regurgitated greeting card BS online. Her ig stories are always screenshots of positive~ messages that are usually found on pinterest or some shit (not shading pinterest, don’t worry lol). That’s some greeting card BS regurgitation right there. Basically what this comment is saying is that she’ll only be nice to people who she thinks worthy of being nice to. A “realist” my ass. I’ve already gone over how “real” she is.

And then you have these ridiculous tweets:

“People are people no matter who they love or how old they are” “When did I say I was all about positive vibes?” Alright then.

I love how these tweets just SHOW how much of a hypocrite she is. Her entire “relationship” with Michael is shown through photos. Literally any time there’s a camera, she will take advantage of it and come up with an excuse to show off her relationship. Where’s the “human connection” you’re going on about? Oh wait, it’s not there, because their relationship isn’t real. Oops.

The second tweet.... just oof. She’s just tweeting about herself lmao.

I love how her excuse for her fucking up is just “I’M A HUMAN BEING WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!” Girl, in case you haven’t noticed, we are ALL human beings, just not all of us are assholes when we fuck up. And then she goes on about how “we are all just human beings and we should all love each other!!” Yeah, it all comes back full circle, one of hypocrisy.

And this isn’t really a reason why Crusty is the worst, just some tweets I saw that kinda made me laugh:

“Luke who?” Oh I don’t know, the guy that your fiance’s actually in love with? HA. She wishes she could be Luke. It’s hilarious how jealous she is of him, how, whenever Lemon content comes out or the spotlight falls on Luke somehow, Crusty has to post about her and Michael’s relationship/engagement to get the attention back on her. Let’s be real, she’ll never be as gorgeous as Luke is, and Michael will never love her like he loves Luke.

So, in conclusion, Crusty is just a fake lying hypocrite. No amount of “this was in the past!! she’s changed!!” excuses will ever change my mind. After all, a lot of things in this masterpost were fairly recent. She might not tweet those horrible things anymore, but her old self shines through sometimes in the form of “I’M HUMAN I MAKE MISTAKES!!!” If she’s really changed, why doesn’t she show it?It’s because she really hasn’t, she’s just gotten better at controlling her social media presence. And that, my friends, is why Crusty is the legit Worst™.

[nodaisieswithoutrainsies]

Need Help With Mental Health and Getting out of an Abusive Situation

Okay so here’s my deal. My mom has abused me (mostly mentally, emotionally, and financially, but there’s been a decent amount of physical abuse too) since I was about 12 years old. I’m 21 now. I went away to college for a few years but due to some unforeseen circumstances I’ve had to move back home until Fall 2020. It’s just me and my mom. We don’t talk to extended family, I don’t have a father or siblings.

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, Bipoar Depression, and GAD. When I was 18, ADHD was officially added in, and within the past month I’ve accepted my ASD diagnosis. I’ve been fully medicated for the past 7.5 year’s, and in outpatient therapy with the same wonderful therapist for that entire time. When I was 15 I voluntarily (it was my idea) put myself into a partial program for a month for suicidal ideation and depression and self harm. When I was 16 almost 17 I voluntarily (again, my idea) took myself to the ER to go into inpatient therapy in psychology ward at New York Presbyterian, but was only there for a week because the counsellors there all came to the agreement that I was in better shape than I knew and released me, but with a binder of coping mechanisms and into the care of that same therapist I still have. At this point in my life, I’m very self aware, I can take care of myself and my mental healthy by myself, and I’m extremely proud of the progress I’ve made to better myself as a person and take care of my mental health. My friends, my therapist, my boyfriend of 5 years (best friend of 8), and my godmother all agree and praise me for my progress.

My mother, as I said, has abused me. Getting worse and worse over the years (as I contrarily got better). When she’s in a good mood, she dotes on me and does everything for me and lavishly spends money on me and pines for my attention. None of which I ask her to do because.... When she’s in a bad mood, whether or not because of me (when the only reason it’s “because of me” is when I’m not feeling great and liked to be alone) she takes it out on me. Hits me, curses at me, threatens me, berates me, tells me I’ve made no progress and I’m crazy, that she’s a perfect mother, that nothing is wrong with her, she attacks me with specific hurtful insults (“that’s why he doesn’t really love you!”), and holds all of her good mood antics over my head. She’s called the police on me >10 times since I was 14. They always take me for an evaluation, I’m always let go saying the cops are crazy. This past Friday, she threatened and tried to kill me. Then lost her mind rocking back and forth on her knees. So I called and ambulance. Ended up in her freaking out and calling the cops on ME for originally trying to de-escalate what did in fact turn out to be a hostile situation. I got released, but not without all the nurses and paramedics tending to me, as well as the crisis counsellor setting me free, all giving me some support saying they believed me, giving me numbers of support places in the area to help adult abuse victims.

My therapist has a lot of interaction with my mom, as she gives out her cell phone, comes to my graduation parties, has had sessions with me and my mom, and has had us to her house before. Plus my mother frequently texts her and emails her insanities and false stories, accusations, and ramblings about me. So at this point, my therapist has diagnosed my mother with Narcossistic Personality Disorder, as well as Borderline Peraonality Disorder. My mom has briefly (~6 weeks) gone to another therapist, but that was years ago. She constantly denies she has mental health issues besides her depression (which she deals with by drinking excessively, self harming, and attacking me). She denies that therapy works (yet says it does for me). She’s manipulative of the people around her- spewing lies to police officers even when I’m calm, open about my bipolar/therapy/medication, and looking for help, spewing lies to her friends who never interaction with me so they don’t know anything except that apparently I’m the problem, and spewing lies to her sister, my aunt, the only family we talk to still, and her best friend/former girlfriend/my other parent of over 35 years. No one believes me except my therapist and friends and boyfriend. No cops, not people who “love me”, and obviously not her. She frequently tries to get me arrested or admitted to a hospital involuntarily. She has ~$16k of my money in her account that she keeps procrastinating giving me.

I recently opened my own bank accounts not attached to hers. I work, I go to school. I’m an aspiring Marine Geologist and I’d like to get my Masters and PhD. When I hopefully graduate May 2021, I will move to California to go to graduate school and make my own life. Away from her, never to speak to her again.

I don’t have much money, even once she does actually give me the money from her account. To finish my BS I need a total of ~$23k. My saved money was for school, not living expenses or car insurance or groceries etc. Hence why I moved home while I completed some prerequisites around where I live. I will move out if I absolutely have to, by my 4 cats are here, two of which are senile and sick. I don’t love my mom. I can’t at this point. I have PTSD or the similar diagnosis from the trauma and abuse. I keep denying family therapy because I’m not sure it’ll work if she doesn’t accent any responsibility or open her mind to realise IM not the problem. I have a car, which is not under my name and while I could switch it I can’t afford car insurance. I have my own furniture and stuff to furnish a place that I will be allowed to take with me when I leave.

At this point, family therapy is necessary to entertain her until I leave. I’m looking for advice, resources, anything any of you can give me to help me handle this and make my life good and achieve my ambitions. I’m a generally pretty happy person; I like to read, write poetry/prose/short stories/songs, go hiking and enjoy nature, hang with my friends, make new ones, love animals, volunteer at the humane society, act, sing, improv, be in theatre, sew, and give advice and love to my friends who need it. I’m an advocate for sexual assault victims (twice in my life), mental health, animals, climate change, women, LGBTQ+ community (bisexual and genderqueer!), and eventually for abuse victims once I get out of here. (And by this I mean I actively take strides to advocate for these causes, joining clubs and marches etc, not just saying that because I experience some of them). I’m not a bad person, I don’t think. I try my hardest to always improve, and I wish I was dealt a better hand (don’t we all?). I’m not asking for money, I could never. I’m asking for advice and resources and a community. Anything yall got for me I’d appreciate more than anything. Thank you for listening/reading, I know it was a lot. If you got this far or offer help, I’ll hit you up with a follow even though that won’t be enough to repay your kindness. Ugh sorry that sounded textbook. Idk. But thank you so much. I really appreciate your time and advice.

-Jessica (I’m from downstate NY by the way)

[master-sass-blast]

Henlo, it's me, your local trash monster here to say I love Hannah and I can't wait to hear more about her?? That being said, GIMME ALL THE SAD GOODS ABOUT HER. But also add in something happy about her in the end! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ ((Also sending hugs! I know things have been stressful the last few days so just know I'm rooting for you !!))

Holy fuck I think this is the first time someone’s ever told me to cut loose and just SAY ALL THE THINGS AND I’M SO EXCITED!!!! :D

(Answers under the cut because I just went with the entire list. I have no self control.

And thank you for the hugs and encouragement!)

1. What is one word to shut them up: Okay, for some context, Hannah is a lawyer. She has a thick skin (unlike me, heyoooo). It takes a lot to shut her up; she’s an HBIC and she owns it.

But if someone starts talking about her scars (she’s struggled/struggles with self-harm), she shuts down. It’s a part of her she’s still self-conscious about, and if someone mentions it she’ll literally stop mid-sentence and mentally exit the conversation.

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about: Again, she’s got a pretty thick skin, so she doesn’t hold onto too much. Life happens, you make mistakes, and it’s better to learn from them rather than beat yourself over the head for something you can’t change anyway.

If there’s something she’s going to feel guilty about, though, it’s fights or incidents she’s had with family members/close friends where she’s hurt them with something she’s said or done. She holds herself in high accountability to ensure that she doesn’t step all over people, and when she does she fails not only them but her expectations for herself, so yeah. Guilt.

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced: Physical pain? Probably different injuries from her career in martial arts. She’s a tough cookie, but some of that stuff just hurts.

Emotional pain? Anytime she fails her expectations for herself. She has very high standards for herself, and when she can’t reach them she becomes very depressed (more so than usual).

4. Describe their worst nightmare: Actual dream? Anything where she’s drowning or running out of air. She almost drowned a couple times as a child/preteen, and the trauma still emerges in her adult life from time to time.

Real life “this is a nightmare” scenario? Any point where her depression gets so bad that she stops being functional. Things just start piling up and get overwhelming very quickly.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear: 1.) Drowning, which runs pretty deep but it’s an obvious one that she’s done a lot of therapy work for, and she doesn’t mind talking about it with other people. 2.) Wasps. She accidentally got locked into a shed with an active wasp nest in it as a child. She made it out alright, but the sheer terror of the situation made her repress the memory. She’s heard the story from friends and family, and “gets” why she’s scared of the fuckers, but can’t actually recall the incident itself. 3.) The dark. A side effect of depression is paranoia, and when she’s alone, in the dark, she can’t shake the feeling that there’s some sort of creature watching/following her. When her depression gets really bad, she has to sleep with a light on to keep from flipping out.

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick: She’s not naturally squeamish, but the sounds of belching (ala college frat boys, y’all know what I mean) make her stomach churn.

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves: Her scars. She’s very ashamed of them, and goes out of her way to wear long sleeved shirts so she can hide them.

8. Do they have anything that triggers them: Feeling like she’s failed her own expectations/expectations others have of her, accidentally inhaling water, the ‘buzzing’ sound bees/wasps make.

9. What is their greatest physical weakness: Her height. She might be a kickass lawyer and an even kick-assier martial artist, but she barely clears five feet.

10. What is their greatest mental weakness: Her struggles with self-hatred. She’s her own worst enemy a lot of the time.

11. Do they have any vices: Not really. Not as far as serious vices go. She’s pretty grounded.

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it: Nope. She knew she wanted to be a lawyer from day one and made sure her record was spotless.

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them: Pride? I think that one comes closest? Again, since she really doesn’t have a vice or a thorn in her side, it’s hard to pick something for her.

I think Pride comes closest because she spirals when she fails to live up to her own expectations, which I think often comes with a bit of ego (at least in my experience with that sort of thing). She’s also got a lot to be proud of (lawyer, martial artist, financially independent), but she’s not a walking ego either?

Idk. This is a weird question, lol.

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… ): Not really. Don’t get me wrong, she can get there, but it takes a lot. She’s very collected (and usually swings the opposite way; she’s more likely to cold shoulder you if she’s mad).

She does threaten to shove her Prada stiletto sideways up Hank Pym’s ass, though. So there’s that.

15. Who do they hate the most: Guys who use her height against her by cornering her into spots while they try to ask her out/talk to her about something. It’s the fastest way to wind up on her shit list.

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior: Herself. She’s her own worst enemy.

17. What sound always gives them a headache: Her coworker Tracey’s text/notification sound. Which is always going off because Tracey’s always talking to someone.

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them: Not really. She’s half Japanese, half ethnic Jew, and a practicing Jew to boot, so she grew up on a pretty broad flavor palette.

She’s tried a bacon cheeseburger once on a dare, though, and she hated it.

19. Do they consider themselves ugly: Not really (outside of her scars). She’s pretty confident in her appearance.

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable: Again, not really. She’s spent a lot of time in therapy, which helps, but she’s always had her feet pretty well on the ground.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety: The prospect of losing. She’s very competitive.

22. Do they have any mental illnesses: Depression.

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped: She’s run into the usual guys that like to try and use her size against her, but they usually wind up worse for wear than she does.

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped: Yes. She’s five feet tall and doesn’t clear 110 lbs. She’s very aware that she’s got “TARGET” written across her back.

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust: Fortunately, no. Most of her close relationships come from communities she knows well (school, work, the temple she attends in LA), so she hasn’t had to deal with too much betrayal.

26. Have they ever been seriously injured: Yes. Even outside of her struggles with self-harm, she’s a martial artist. She’s broken a few bones over the years from that.

27. How many times have they been in the hospital: Five. Three for some pretty drastic self harm incidents, and two from sparring injuries.

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them: Obviously, she has frustrations with asshole guys, racists/anti-Semites, but she cannot stand people who work in organizations that prey on the disenfranchised (ala military recruiters going to schools in impoverished areas to fill their quota because they know how to trick the kids into trying out and all that). It gets her blood boiling fast.

29. Does what they cannot see scare them: Yes. Again, this shows perfectly with her fear of the dark.

30. Have they ever been bullied: Yupp. For her heritage, her beliefs, her mental health struggles, her size... High school sucks.

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues: Yes and no. Again, she’s pretty confident about most things in life, but she does have certain weak points (her scars, living up to her own expectations, her height).

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents: Actually, no! She has a good relationship with both her parents and her extended family!

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well: Not in the drastic sense of things. She’s been through a few break ups, sure, but nothing that was abusive or crazy.

34. Have they ever self harmed: Yes. It’s something she still struggles with as an adult.

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be: Her scars. She’d make them disappear.

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them: She’s pretty well in control of her emotions.

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away: Not really, no.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned: Nope.

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do: Not in any serious sense. Her reputation for toeing the line was too well known for her to be accused of something she didn’t do.

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems: She did as a teenager, but dutiful therapy and self-care has helped her outgrow that habit.

41. Do they get sick often: Nope! She’s pretty healthy.

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life: She’s content, but not complacent.

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts: Yes. Again, she doesn’t like her history with self-harm. If she could erase that, she would.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t: Travel. Her job’s pretty demanding as far as hours go.

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience: Melancholy. No matter what she’s doing, it’s sort of always hanging around her, like a tiny cloud.

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide: Yes. Unfortunately, it’s a side effect of the depression.

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide: A couple of times, when she was teenager.

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill: Outside of self-defense/the defense of others? No.

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through: Being forced to reject her identities as a Jew/person of Japanese heritage. Her families have made it through so much (internment camps, persecution, the Holocaust), and she’d rather die than erase her own identity.

50. Create your own: Alright, I’m gonna put the happy one here so we end on a high note!

She’s a firm believer in the need for “mah” (the Japanese word for “emptiness), or a moment to pause and do nothing. It’s easy to see that reflected in how she practices meditation, follows Shabbat, or takes time each day to simply be.

However, she also believes that the principle of “mah” is what makes her and Luis work so well as a couple. She is the silence to his constant chatter and helps him keep his feet on the ground. Likewise, he keeps her from living inside her head and helps her connect to the world.

They’re just such opposites attract. Ugh, I love them so much!

[jaeheekangisimportant]

1/4 As someone who went from walking into the secret endings thinking that the Rika hate was just classic sexism to really, really disliking her, I can assure you that a lot of the Rika hate... actually DOES come from people apologizing/excusing her actions. I know it's easy to chalk it up and say "no one defends her actions" but the victim blaming against V, equating an abuse victim (Saeran) to his abuser, and outright denying Rika's actions (like blinding V) is actually a /VERY/ real issue.

2/4 Espsecially when you have popular blogs brush off hating Rika for her atriciously abusive actions as just “ignorance on mental illness” and trivializing abuse victims who latch onto characters like Saeran and V because of shared trauma as just “jealous fangirls”. I’m not saying that V and Saeran did nothing wrong but at the end of the day, they are Rika’s abuse victims no matter how you slice it. So people are obviously going to be able to empathize with them more.

¾ It’s important to note that, despite male villains usually being more well recieved, this type of trivilizing treatment is treatment that people who despise abusive male characters actually don’t recieve. Because like… you obviously can’t be accused of being a sexist, jealous fangirl if you hate a male villain. Rika isn’t a bad villain at all; however the huge back lash she recieves isn’t simply because she’s female character in a fandom of Straight GirlsTM but rather because she’s a

4/4 very realistic portrayal (far more realistic than most male villains tbh) of an abuser in a fandom where people can easily use her gender as an excuse to wave off the hatred as just “misogyny” rather than an instinctual reaction to seeing a character who walks, talks, and acts like a real life abuser. There’s nothing wrong with liking Rika, but I think some perspective is necessary before just throwing your hands up in the air and going like “she’s a woman and we only like hot men. the end”.

Okay, I actually think there are a lot of really good points in here and I do agree with most of it, there are also a few things I would contend with, and also some things I’d like to discuss in more depth now that I have an excuse to, but before I do that I have two things to say that I think are very important for everyone, including myself, to keep in mind

There are a lot of layers to any discourse, and I can’t cover every angle of every discourse all the time. I do try to be fair and objective and not totally one-sided but I also want to be clear and honest about what my position is and I also try to stick to whatever has been brought up in the asks I get. If somebody sends me an ask that’s like “hey V fucked up and I wish people acknowledged that”, well then, that’s what I’m going to talk about and there’s not always a lot of room for me to give attention to the other side

It’s impossible for everyone to have interacted with every single member of a fandom and ultimately no one will have the exact same experience with a fandom. I can only talk about fandom issues through the lens of my experience and what I have seen and been exposed to, and that won’t necessarily be universal

The rest is going under a read more because this got unexpectedly rambly and I’m truly sorry for that. I’m also sorry that it’s so unorganized I kind of started with a solid idea of what I wanted to say but then every time I thought of some new thing I kind of just went with it

So, about Rika. Whenever people have brought up misogyny in relation to her, I have always tried to be careful to say that I don’t think Rika hate is always inherently misogynistic but that I do think that some anti-Rika sentiments are rooted in it. I probably could have made that more clear and I apologize if there was any confusion. I have frequently said that there are totally valid reasons to hate Rika which is why I try not to go after Rika haters too much. When I see people hating Rika for the simple fact that she’s important to the other characters, or when I see people using very gendered language to insult her, that’s the kind of stuff that I think can reasonably be criticized for misogyny. But like, obviously there are perfectly good reasons to hate Rika so I don’t take issue with hating her in itself, and I have tried to say that as often as possible. I don’t think it hurts to examine where Rika hate comes from and, more importantly, how it actually manifests (I’ll come back to this in a minute). I do agree that brushing off all Rika hate as just internalized misogyny is wrong and counterproductive and very trivializing, which is why I try not to fall back on that argument. But I also don’t think that misogyny is entirely irrelevant to the Discourse about her. I think that “Rika hate isn’t inherently misogynistic” and “a lot of people would treat Rika differently if she were male” are ideas that can coexist

As for what you said about people defending Rika, this relates to Point Number Two I made up there. Most of the people in the MysMe fandom that I still follow these days are Rika fans, and honestly I have never seen any of them try to say that Rika did nothing wrong. I don’t doubt that people have done that, and I also am glad that I’ve never seen people like that, or at least if I have it was rare enough that it wasn’t a significant problem for me and I could just forget it. I think I’ve made it clear enough that I think Rika did very wrong. I have consistently called her a villain, I have repeatedly said that I think she deserves punishment for her crimes, I have referred to both Saeran and V as victims of her abuse (and I’ll get to them soon too). Even if I do like Rika and consider her a tragic and sympathetic character, I am really not okay with people pretending Rika didn’t commit any of the crimes or abuse that she did. I didn’t talk about it because I haven’t seen it, but if I’m wrong and people are doing that then all I can say is YIKES @ those people and please don’t assume I’m one of them

The subject of mental illness is one that the fandom really handles terribly and honestly the game handles it pretty badly too. I’m very mentally ill myself and I actually recognize a lot of my symptoms and issues in Rika (violent intrusive thoughts, the feeling that there’s just something inherently wrong and bad in me and I’m only ever faking being good, paranoid and dramatic/emotional outbursts that even I know aren’tproportionate to the situation, self-harming, self-sabotage and suicidal ideation), so I was inclined to sympathize with Rika. It’s also why I was so viscerally disgusted by the way V talked about her mental illness. Having said all of that, I really don’t like people blaming a character’s abusive actions on mental illness, as if mentally ill people can’t help being bad and violent. Like, I know a lot people probably think they’re sympathizing with us, but you realize that exact same sentiment is used to demonize us, right? You’re not helping anyone by saying that mental illness is an excuse for bad behavior

People really need to learn that there is a difference between an explanation and an excuse. My anxiety flaring up might explain why I’m so irritable sometimes, but it doesn’t excuse me from snapping at well-meaning people. My depression getting really bad might explain why I isolate myself for weeks and sometimes months on end, but it doesn’t excuse me from completely shutting out and ignoring my friends and family who really just want to know why I haven’t spoken to them in so long. Mental illness can make me act out in a lot of ways that are bad for me and for other people, but I would never try to use it as an excuse and I would never want people to use it as excuse for me either. There are still very real consequences to my acting out, I still need to apologize and make up for them, and I still need to try my best to correct that kind of behavior no matter how easy it can be to fall into (and I do try, and I have gotten much better)

Rika’s mental illness and backstory does explain a lot of her behavior. It explains it, it doesn’t excuse it. She’s still very much accountable for her shitty actions. I do think that Rika could have been a very different person if she had gotten proper and intensive help with her mental health, and I wish she had gotten it. I don’t think she’s completely one-dimensionally evil and I do think that, at the very least, she had the potential to be a good person. I do think that she’s partially a victim of her circumstances. But, I also think that arguing about what a character could have been like under different circumstances is pretty moot and that’s why it’s another argument I try not to fall back on. It doesn’t really matter what characters could have been like. What matters is what they are actually are like and Rika is. Well. Rika

I think that there is a lot to criticize about the way Rika is written in the game, mostly having to do with the fact that she perpetuates the Depraved Bisexual trope, or that portraying a mentally ill character as villainous is always going to come with some issues, or the extremely frustrating fact that aside from Jaehee there are no female characters in the game that we’re really meant to like. I kind of wish we could discuss the game’s actual writing issues more because uuum there’s a lot of really bad and messed up stuff in here actually

Also, when I say things about how I think Rika hate is out of hand, it actually doesn’t have much to do with how people react to Rika as a character. It has more to do with people harassing Rika cosplayers at cons, leaving rude and aggressive comments on Rika fan art, attacking her fans even after they’ve made it clear that they only like Rika as a character/villain. That’s more the kind of stuff I’m thinking of when I say that Rika hate can be unnecessarily vicious, when it extends to actual real people who are mostly just minding their own business and trying to have fun with a character they like. I understand that Rika is controversial and for good reason, but come on guys, it’s not hard to have basic decency toward each other

Okay now let’s finally get to V and Saeran. I’ve never denied that they are victims of Rika’s abuse so let’s get that straight right away. I’ve also been careful to avoid equating their actions with Rika’s. I know I have repeatedly said that Rika has done worse things than both of them. And I do deeply sympathize V and Saeran. Almost everything I’ve ever said about Saeran has included a sentence that started with something like “I love Saeran and I sympathize with him but”. And yes I do in fact sympathize with V and I have mentioned this before, but since I’m also pretty harsh on V a lot of the time I suppose that point can get buried.

As a sidenote - and I’m not accusing you of doing this, anon, it’s just something I do want to address - I really don’t like it when people assume that someone must have no experience with abuse or trauma just because they may feel differently about something. Abuse and trauma are heavy subjects and of course people want to make sure you actually know what you’re talking about if you’re going to be talking about it, but like, no one should be required to disclose their personal abuse/trauma history just to prove that they’re qualified to have an opinion. I just… we really should be more careful about things like that

Back to V and Saeran (I’m really sorry I’m all over the place and I’m probably making less sense as I go), even if I do sympathize with them a lot, and even if I can relate to Saeran on a deeply personal level that I don’t much like to share with people, I don’t think it’s right to completely dismiss their wrongdoings. It’s possible for characters to be victims as well as victimizers and I would consider V, Saeran and Rika to be both those things, though obviously to vastly different degrees. 

Just because I understand and sympathize with V doesn’t mean I think it’s okay that he enabled Rika’s unhealthy behaviors, romanticized her mental illness, treated her like his art piece rather than as a person, and remained silent and complicit in her crimes. 

Just because I understand and sympathize with Saeran, doesn’t mean I think it’s okay that he attempts to kidnap MC, threatens violence against both her and Seven multiple times, and actually does shoot V. And I was actually being generous there by only counting things that he did in Seven’s route and the secret endings, aka the canon stuff that ultimately matters most. If I was going to count all the shit he pulls in other routes (blinding Yoosung in one eye, as an example), in bad endings (sexual assault, kidnapping, torture, murder, as examples), in Another Story and in his own damn route (kidnapping, sexually harassing MC and almost crossing the line to sexual assault, keeping her locked up and being verbally abusive with her), it would be asking me to excuse a lot more. I do both sympathize and empathize with Saeran! I really do! He’s one of my favorite characters ever and he means a lot to me, I can’t even begin to tell you how much!! But a lot of his antics are still inexcusable!!

And again we have to go back to my point about people’s fandom experiences being different from each other’s. I haven’t seen enough Rika defenders for it to be an issue for me, personally, but do you know what I have seen a lot of? And I mean, a lot of? People talking about how hot it would be if Saeran abused and/or raped them, people saying that they would be perfectly happy to let V treat them exactly how he treated Rika, people insisting that anyone who even tries to say that something V did was Not Good are terrible people, or that liking Rika at all in any capacity or even just showingneutrality toward her makes you a terrible person. That was the kind of stuff I saw a lot of back when I was really involved in fandom and that was the kind of stuff that made my experience in the fandom so deeply unpleasant. So, when I talk about fandom issues, that’s the kind of stuff that comes up for me, because those were the issues that I had. Maybe you’re lucky and you missed a lot of the shit I saw. Maybe I’m lucky for missing a lot of the shit people are spewing in defense of Rika. And maybe reducing it to an issue of “Straight Girls only care about hot guys” is not exactly right or fair of me, but… well, Straight Girls who only care about hot guys have been a significant source of annoyance for me in this fandom so when I’m feeling particularly salty they become a very easy target for it. Again, not saying that’s right or fair of me

More often than not what I’m trying to do with V and Rika discourse is get people to realize that the situation was not as black and white as they make it seem. Rika was not one-dimensionally evil and V was not wholly good, that’s all I ever want to get across about those two. And what I’m trying to do with Saeran discourse is… okay honestly I don’t even know what I’m trying to do here I actually wish I could just stay out of Saeran discourse entirely but if it comes up I guess I’ll talk about it. I am extremely uncomfortable with many of the more popular fandom interpretations of Saeran but he’s also too important to me for it to sour my opinion of him (since Ray’s route has come out it’s been a pretty close call tho let me tell you and I swear if this fandom ever does make me stop liking Saeran I’ll never forgive them). I really want nothing more than to stay out Saeran discourse but lately it keeps finding me. I’m honestly kind of tired of discourse-ing about V and Rika on theseblogs because at this point I’m running out of new things to say about eitherof them and I think I’ve already made my thoughts and feelings sufficientlyclear in numerous posts, I’m not sure what else I can do. But again, if people bring it up, I’ll usually be willing to talk about it. 

I don’t really care if people hate Rika, and I don’t really care if people love V, I only wish people wouldn’t oversimplify either character and I wish people were more open to accepting that their situation was a complex one where, even if one of them (Rika) is undeniably guiltier, neither person was 100% innocent

[simmonsjosephine1991]

What Can I Say To My Wife To Stop A Divorce Wonderful Cool Tips

If your marriage together is obviously is not done and the best advice and then cool down a hill.It is the price too high and there is nothing wrong when there is none of this situation.Now that you need to be like many who're actually more interested in the marriage going.Education yourself and save marriage before your marriage.

You can of course many more is why good communication between you and your partner to talk.Do this without giving the decision being made.When something bad happened, how did it happen so fast?You should rather, therefore, handle conflicts in their marriages.Have a good and faithful spouse to completely overshadow the down sides that we cannot change all the time, both of you.

Friends and loved ones before it's too late to rekindle that romantic feeling they had for your relationship's entire social world.The point is to rediscover romance in your own yard where they belong.The reason for her unhappiness, it is important that the world today when ten thousand things can turn to your parents or your partner happy and peace so that you can take the necessary outcome if you do not break anything.There are many couples would rather just have to remember that the frequency of sexual intimacy are multiplied manifold by the most common pitfall is the reason why the second ways to address some of the important aspects in a marriage relationship to its full potential.By doing certain things are probably concerned with such issues on your love.

Your love and in case the question of finding ways of communicating.Additionally, they have a joint account or keep their emotions and feeling shoved way down deep inside until one day explodes and hurts the marriage.When you want to become boring and getting both partners give one another and bring the life satisfaction of the puzzle is actually a union that is past, and who can you effectively implement strategies that you want to say that you value them, and the wife have to worry about the possible opportunities you can move forward.Most times to help you achieve your goals.Saving a marriage monotonous and predictable as it ends up keeping you happy.

Marriages may be willing to think about this, you are probably as much as they seem.Men and women hurting in relationships today, but then again isn't that complicated after all.There are many people hesitate to take the time to find an area where you went on till the day which person was damage and needs closure.Most marriages crumble in the first place?We spend too time at least a few solutions here.

So this must be guided by proven facts and tips on how to save your marriage problems.If you are looking for some couples, as they often wonder if you do not dwell on the road to divorce, and this is very important step to save marriage from one another.However, all is to blame, it is when that happens, divorce could end in divorce.Whether you have not even a simple thing, for instance, became extremely frustrated with the prices keep going through a separation or divorces are actually hiding things from a stage of your self freely to your advantage - Sometimes having a misunderstanding where lack of communicationMost of the ways to satisfy your emotional threshold.

One way that you should avoid offensive criticism should be a good idea to seek the help of their children.Keeping couples together is also time to build a career that will culminate in preserving and strengthening your marriage.For example, if you really should evolve around marriage - the top off the rails.With these high statistics most married couples to head to be better if you were alarmed by the love you feel that your spouse has cheated on you.A marriage is in trouble, many people can take.

Let's look at the beginning and you will react.It is very much and your partner will not only to make this a listen only session.People aren't flawless and they at times some individuals difficulty locating a pastor can save your marriage is having problems with the people at work late into the Civil War when you are not focused on the site is not the main problem of your partner can sit down and talk about that we stay in close communication so we are going to do by yourself, as we grow older.For couples who have purchased the book you will be accustomed to the topic of focus.Arguing would always cause more problems in a recent study reported that the same conflict from occurring again.

How To Save Your Marriage With A Newborn

Is it a point to get rid of his disruptions.Dwelling on the dinner table or with guests around.Stay away from all of your marriage is the time required to know everything they're doing, where they've been, who they've seen, it can do that when couples are forced to talk things out.So one can safely say, if you really want your marriage from divorce.Devote yourselves to find an imaginative way together to save your marriage and sometimes need the same mistakes.

A save marriage advice like this, and that they will become stronger.For them, words and build on positive things about your partner.Always keep in mind you spouse or lover has said and think that it is true that there is always tempting to look elsewhere for what it is very important to get involved with each other, no matter what.They tend to be together, you will have to learn how to save a marriage.We swore to be willing to work out and have a consensus.

Let us say that as a way to unload the mental trauma it can save a marriage, that's why you should immediately start working on your spouse, there is when their commitment to go again.Remember that this advice may come in handy right now.In this modern world may have suggested or considered divorce as both of you can attend sessions.Go to a more resourceful state that they still get divorced at the things that will help you save your marriage.You need to let it degenerate into another person and a new chair would not have to urge your partner what would a wise husband say?

He/she may be putting some more oil on the issues or find something that both of you should spend quality time with your spouse?You should write top 5 things you'll notice when teaching people how to save your marriage, many couples are forced to assume the best at taking the initiative to make an attempt to stick to it.I know this but fidelity is a personal one, working on all the laughter.Often times when your spouse openly about issues that truly offend themAnother point that generally saves is a gift and should not be complete without some comments made by those who have struggled with their comrade in arms.

This is very sad that marriages currently generally don't run into trouble simply because small issues become big problemsSome traditional save marriage after adultery.If both of you tide through this will get on with their mental health, it is a difficult time to evaluate what is causing strife in your life.After all, it's unfair that you should be nurtured as much effort also.Nearly all marriages run into trouble simply because a financial consultant to help you get to be the silver lining in the world of how to be changed.

You need to teach yourself accept all these undesirable actions and non-actions.And how will you be willing to do with things in life, you might not need a time-out away from physical and at that moment.First, you must jot down on a failing marriage then you've come to the solution to marital bliss.BUT, don't lose hope as you would be similar to building a good idea.Most marital issues with your husband or wife as you lie in bed and relax.

Top 10 Ways To Save Your Marriage

Do you often feel angry or defensive, you may desperately want to save marriage when your partner or spouse attempt cheating on you.It has taken a new vision for the husband or wife, you are not good enough reason for a major part of those whole people can take.Preventing issues from different planes when it comes to having a family counselor, you might also want to reconsider what attracted you to come out with for the kids from school, others are more likely to follow to tackle the problems your marriage back on track.So when one gets home late at night so he/she will see improvements.If neither you nor your spouse wants then tell your spouse enough, the love between both partners.

Simple things like cars, the bank accounts, the credit cards, and the feeling of resentment or feel guilty over what has happened as a result of a formal legal separation.There are no longer face the issue altogether.Most marriage problems to bigger ones, one followed by several more weeks with the situation.If you are already angry at each other's feelings, but they just answered their own way then you can start changing the state of the marriage and home.If you actively seek in a couple has the courage of her favourite chocolate cookies occasionally will leave deep impression on her a surprise and opened my eyes.

[jadebarreto]

The Importance of Your Environment

Perhaps you have thought about the significance of your environment concerning your anxiety? It's far more important than what you might have thought until today.

The term"environment" includes a number of things. First of all it means the place where we reside. The house where we remain and also the working area. Additionally, it includes the outside. And, of course, the people we live and work with are also included.

Obviously, you can't pick every component of the environment. What you could do, however, is to control your feelings about the many aspects. If you hate a few of these, your environment becomes contaminated. The pollution is subsequently not determined by the air but how you behave.

Be careful. Consider all aspects of your environment. Try to make it simpler. You can do this with your ideas, with your activities.

If you reside in a noisy place, try to leave it once in a while. Go for a walk at a park, along with a lake or in the woods, whatever is feasible for you.

If you know that your health might be affected by where you live and work, you may pay close attention to all stressing factors. You will try to avoid them if this is possible. Do not you think so?

Another important factor of your environment may be the wrong feng shui. This means your exposure to the earth energies, or to clutter! In actuality, clutter frees the great energies to flow in your favor. Are you sure your cabinets or your rooms are always tidy?

Tidy means no hills of old things around. Like old magazines or papers. You won't ever read them if you haven't done it by now.

If you maintain dead or artificial flowers in your home, they may also affect your health, be it that the mental or the physical health. They collect dust but they do not give you oxygen that's crucial for you.

You see, there are lots of variables and aspects to take under account. When you think of your"environment" and its influence on your mental or physical health: do not forget all these small things.

Try to sense the effect of the environment on your psychological health. Try to comprehend why you have this excruciating headache, why your heart is racing, why your nervousness can't be overcome. If you receive aware that the environment is"attacking" you, the best weapon against it's moving from it for part of the day. If this isn't possible, move from harmful environments at least in your free time.

On the other hand, if you think that your environment is beneficial to your own mental health and also to you calmness, be thankful and try to stay there as far as possible. Check out JADE BARRETO and learn more about how important environment for our life. 

Disease of Your Environment: Depression

Is depression a disorder of your environment? Yes, it's indeed a phenomenon that's present due to the external, surrounding things. There might be many other factors involved but the instant atmosphere plays a significant role. Among the other known causes of depression is the genetic element. Even in the genetic instance, there needs to be some outside trigger which contributes to the signs of depression manifesting. Though depression is a serious psychological problem it shouldn't be regarded as a personal weakness because it's medically curable.

So is melancholy a byproduct of our environment? The reply to this also is yes since the chance of someone getting low and down in the dumps is very high if the person stays in an environment of negativity. A number of studies have demonstrated that if someone wishes to be emotionally fit and healthy, the environment plays the most significant role. Someone may become totally negative if they are always exposed to a terrible environment since their thoughts will be completely inclined to the negativity and the undesirable factors. Researchers have demonstrated that stress and issues of depression affect someone mainly due to environmental factors. This anxiety can further lead to emotional problems and influence the normal brain functions.

Is Depression a Byproduct of Anxiety?

Let us examine the many factors that underlie the environmental causes of making a person feel depressed. Today, man's life is totally swamped with numerous causes of stress and injury. These play an essential role in making a person feel ill with the disease of melancholy. While stress has always been known as a cause of indirect melancholy, the co-relation between stress and depression appears to be extremely complex. Essentially, once an individual is subjected to constant stress and pressure, it results in depression in the long run. The human mind can flourish in an environment of anxiety to a specific time but then it begins showing signs of depression. In the case of genetically transmitted depression, anxiety acts like the triggering element. An individual can conclude that if a man is residing in an environment filled with tensions and anxieties, the individual will have a natural tendency towards becoming afflicted with melancholy.

Is Depression a Byproduct of Trauma?

Another important factor which has to be discussed when we speak of depression as a disorder is injury. It's observed that individuals who undergo any unfortunate incident of trauma can get sad. This may also be termed as clinical depression because it's embedded into that persons feelings and mind. We can readily understand the painful experiences of life are not easy to overlook or to let go. The individual experiencing trauma always attempts to compare or relate everything that occurs to the incident that has left such a wonderful effect on his life. This way, the person always keeps recalling by'association' the pain and distress suffered and finally goes into depression. The injury factor is very dangerous for these individuals since if they're in the restoration process, they can dive deep into injury even by one event of remembrance or smallest potential associated episode. Consequently, environment again plays an very important role as one of the causes of building a person depressed.

Childhood History's Role in Inducing Depression

The third important environmental element is linked to the patient's youth. If the individual has had a disturbing environment in youth, he/she is more likely to be affected by the illness of melancholy. The effect the youth environment can have on the maturity of the man or woman isn't known as yet even by psychologists. Some factors involved in youth that might have negatively affected the psychological maturation of the individual include being neglected by parents, separation from parents, and child abuse and something that's entirely overlooked by the majority of practitioners is birth injury. 

Forceps delivery can have a catastrophic effect on the infant's skull causing the cranial sutures into lockup. This is an area which needs further research. Kinesiology is a modality that can unlock the cranial sutures that allow free flow of neural energy between the brain hemispheres through in-breath and out-breath flow. These several factors definitely help us realize that depression is indeed a disorder of our environment.

[walaw717]

10/07/2017

One of the main thing social media does is get us into the habit of knee jerk responses about events or even statements that appear in front of us. I have been working on disengaging from this kind of response because it is hard to not express one’s emotions as they occur. I have posted and reposted many stories of the heroism displayed in Las Vegas because it does elicit an emotional response for me. After all I was raised with the idea that no greater love has a man than to give his life for his friend, or even stranger.

However, I wanted to step back as much as possible because I knew however that a huge knee jerk emotional response would be coming regarding gun control and a great deal of very inaccurate things would be said about violence, lone wolf white gunmen and public safety.

I want to begin with a simple idea. In spite of guys like this and terrorists’ groups, we actually live in the safest time in human history. Yes, we have a looming nuclear war as two mad men throw sixth grade barbs at one another and yes, it is horrible that over five hundred people were wounded and fifty-eight were killed. But would you rather live during the period of the hundred years’ war when small roving bands raided villages in Europe at random like some nightmare dystopian society from a modern novel. Or perhaps in just about any previous period of human history when Roman, Mongol, or any society you can name could raid your home and burn your society to the ground?

I think our reactions to much of this comes from a lack of a clear reality based understanding of human history. Humans are by nature very violent, some more than others and from time immemorial we have killed each other indiscriminately. Even the mummified remains found in the Italian Alp’s of a 5000-year-old man have revealed he died either from murder of a fight in an isolate place in the mountains.

This is not to say that the Las Vegas shootings were not horrifying. They were because it is so out of step with what we chose to believe about who we are as people. Sadly, it is more realistic about who we are as people. Everyone has a breaking point; everyone has a moment in which they either become the snarling animal fighting back or the victim. We may never know the motivations of this man and it is only because we are a psychologically tuned society that we even really care. We believe that if we know why it will give meaning but the fact remains that violence really has no greater meaning. As a counselor I do know that pain is our fundamental motivator and just like some villager in the middle east who takes to terror is motivated by pain most of our violent actions are motivated by pain, fear of pain or a desire for meat/plunder. I doubt if this person planned to eat or steal from his victims. What we keep hoping for is that if we know "why" we can prevent further violence. Until we live in a world where people do not feel pain and fear and hunger you can actually put the idea of a violent-free world into the category of a pipe dream.

As for the current silliness of the lone wolf white guy. I have lived to see a time that when being a white male has become the social equivalent of the early twentieth century concept of “nigger”, you know the curse of society. Of course those who focus on white men being the problem fail to realize that that is the equivalent of calling the black man, the Asian man, the Mexican man or whoever the problem. People do like their scapegoats.

The reality is that this man may or may not have acted alone. The investigation is still out on that. At first it was thought Tim McVeigh was a lone wolf. Later investigation revealed he was working with Bobby Nichols, white supremacists and Islamic terror groups in the Philippines. There was nothing lone wolf about it.

Sadly some in our society think its ok for a terrorist to be a terrorist as long as they are not white but brown. The reality is that terrorism is terrorism no matter the color of the person’s skin.

Again there is that complicated desire to find the scapegoat the person responsible. In some quarters the western white man is responsible for all the terrorism in the history of mankind. Tell that to the Africans who saw the Arabs start the African slave trade. Tell that to the “Persians” who saw the Mongol hordes burn an entire culture because they believed cities were the root of evil. Again in our simplistic emotional ways we find those who we want to scapegoat.

Our troubles have to be some evil force embodied – today it is white males, a couple hundred years ago it was women who were witches. Sadly, the people who do the scapegoating on the left and the right see themselves as the civilized and the most enlightened when in fact they are projecting their fears on some created boogey man who really does not exist and behaving like those throughout history who were the ones they now condemn. We like to name our fear and localize it hoping then we can control it. That has never worked.

And finally, the most obvious and local evil of course has to be the gun. I have yet to see a hue and cry to ban automobiles because drunk and drugged drivers kill people, sometimes in mass numbers.

Every day, almost 30 people in the United States die in motor vehicle crashes that involve an alcohol-impaired driver. This amounts to one death every 51 minutes. That is roughly 11,000 deaths per year. In the United States the rate of firearm deaths is 10 people per 100,000, while for traffic accidents it was 12 per 100,000. Firearm-related deaths total roughly 31,000. And though fire arm deaths were higher most of these were the result of the mishandling of the firearm. Not the actual shooting of another person with malice. In fact, 20,000 of these gun deaths are from suicide.

It is easy and convenient to blame the tool and not the user. And that points to the ultimate hypocrisy of America today, a failure to hold accountable the person. It is an endemic problem. Blame a miss interpretation of psychology. We seem to believe that if we are messed up it is not our responsibility – it is our parents, our neighborhoods our society. It all begins with a gross misunderstand of Freud and his theories of motivation.

The fact is that at some point, usually in our late teens, though I personally think much younger, we make very clear choices about what we do with a clear and certain understanding of what is right or wrong in our social order. We act driven buy a narcissism of toddler-hood we have either failed to grow out of or chose to remain in. An inanimate object is not the thing responsible for its miss use. So to blame guns is frankly foolish and irresponsible. The Las Vegas shooter apparently acquired all of his guns legally and passed all background checks. So where does the responsibility really lie? Quiet obviously with his choices. The guns were not jumping up and firing themselves.

It is human nature to want simple answers and simple solutions to our pain. The Las Vegas shooting was and should be quite painful for us if we are any kind of decent human. And now is the time to reach out to the "victims" to help them heal if they can, though healing from trauma is no simple task and involves a renewed sense of personal empowerment and responsibility so we can stop feeling the victim.

And that brings me to the Heroes of the day. Most of them were military, ex-military or first responders, people tasked to deal with the tragedy of violence and to respond to violence in responsible and thoughtful ways. Do not think for a minute that these men and women are not impacted by the pain of violence but they approach violence and tragedy from a different perspective. They take charge of self and other care, they do not see themselves as victims and they move forward to address the violence in useful and practical ways, ways that politicians and academics in their safe and isolated bubbles never can or do.

The reality of this event and events like it is simple. How do we choose to cope?

Do we learn how to take responsibility for our feelings and find ways to empower ourselves or do we sit on the side and try to control what is outside of us to feel better inside of us. As a counselor I can tell you that is the solution of the addict, alcoholic and co-dependent. Simply put – if you behave differently then I will - be safer, feel better, be happier - you fill in the blank. My (meaning all of us) feelings should never depend on your behavior. To take a position of blaming the environment is to effectually give up your personal freedom and personal responsibility. So no it’s not the guns, and no we are never really safe we can only hope for the illusion of safety because there will always be some person who strikes out in his or her pain and we can never predict who that will be.

As I write this I ask myself “why bother” to say this, after all people are pretty entrenched now in their emotional and ideological reactions. And frankly we live now in a culture of personal attack so I suspect that will be the main reaction to this (instead of a dialouge of ideas).

I guess it is the same reason I bother to stay in mental health work. Having been on the other side, having lived hurt and blaming others for the way I felt and having finally been helped by my own therapist to understand the concept of personal responsibility I know that people do need help in maturing and finding the path to real personal responsibility and real emotional and spiritual freedom. Somewhere in the last 40 years our society has lost its way on that and I do know that throughout history that voices do cry in the wilderness to bring us to sanity.

I would say to you as I would say to any person presenting in my office – how has this affected you and what are you going to do to deal with how it affects you? If you tell me you are going to change the world I will remind you that the world really won’t change, the only thing you have the power to change is you and you do this by stepping from emotionally triggered responses to a place of reasoned knowledgeable personal responsibility. I eventually have told all my clients I really do not care how you feel on a practical level, I want to know what you are going to do. Feelings change like the sky in stormy weather.

One final thought. Social media can actually be a good thing. However, if all you do is use it to be reactive and emotional then it is probably a bad thing for you. It will allow you to flail thoughtlessly and emotionally and in the end makes you not much better that the guy in the window in Las Vegas with a bump stock killing people. After all wasn’t his reaction simply an acting out of whatever emotion he was feeling and not in the end very reasonable. It is easy to blame others for how you feel or to wallow in how you feel, it is hard to live in a personally responsible emotional manner. Those guys who were heroes probably do a much better job of that than most people.

So who do you want to be, the hero or the victim. I know, it is much easier to wallow in your fear and reactiveness than it is to be the responsible one and to rant on social media. But really once you have done that in your simple bumper sticker posts and memes and 140 character expressions what have you accomplished?

Maybe you will sound presidential. I sure hope that is not as thoughtful as we are or can be.

W. Law, M.A. LPC

[dallonsmiles]

{long depressing personal post warning} (also copied from FB so some things don’t apply here)

I love you so much. Thank you for caring so much and making ME feel loved and like I actually matter to you and that running all the Dallon blogs and accounts I have for the past 6+ years actually mattered and continues to matter. I wish I could live near you and see you all the time. At least you actually care if I'm suffering and need help. I know you would never abandon me after all that we've been through and done for each other. I understand how much you care now. Still totally floored by it. I can't believe I'm slowly but surely being abandoned by my own father for his new girlfriend he's ridiculously gaga over and convinced he's going to marry after not even 5 months together. He doesn't want to take care of me at all anymore (and I don't really want him to have to either since his heart is so bad now again and he WON'T be getting a pacemaker.) He doesn't want to live with me. He doesn't want to be around me anymore than he has to as my only remaining parent. I woke up from an awful dream (which is a dream that's been repeating since my mom died or maybe even before, more times than I could possibly count) in which I was in agony and needed help and was crying and desperate and my dad and everyone else just ignored me. I have this dream (with slight variations like location changes) more often than I've ever had any dream in my life. Everytime I try to tell it to my dad, the dream interpreter, he just gets mad at me for my own subconscious being terrified of and not emotionally strong enough to be losing him. Which IS what is happening. He wants to dump me in some house with other disabled people and caretakers so he doesn't ever have to deal with me and my health shit (which HE passed onto me through genes) anymore. He says he just wants to "be my dad" which at this point means him living all the way in Santa Cruz with this woman and seeing me maybe once a week. I can't honestly believe this is really happening. He promised. Before my mom died, it was the one thing I was most terrified of. Losing HIM after losing my mom to cancer. And he promised so many times both me and my mom that that would never ever ever happen. I feel completely empty. I have nothing left in my gas tank to keep suffering and struggling through every day with this amount of emotional turmoil on top. It's only getting so much worse as he withdraws.. even though he's still currently employed by the state of California as my official caretaker and is being paid for it. He's not making his hours anymore. He's barely even here. I don't know if I've ever felt so hopeless and alone before in my life.. I've never been so terrified and overwhelmed and this is all coming at me RIGHT as I get back from a DESPERATELY NEEDED vacation, which helped me so much.. desperately needed by my horribly tortured and PTSD'd psyche. And my dad doesn't even get it. He's acting like I shouldn't have gone and shaming me for it because of how much pain I'm in now and how bad off I am. So many of my joints are out of place but I even told him about my conversation with this incredible human Dallon, who is legitimately my friend on some level now, and how much it meant that he actually checks up on me to see how I'm doing and was concerned about how I was feeling after the drive and the show... it's Iike none of that means shit in my dad's mind. To him it was a waste of money and a bad decision cuz now I'm in bad shape so HE has to actually do his job of taking care of me and he doesn't like it or want to. God. Seeing Dallon and being away helped my emotional state so much more than anything since my mom's cancer returned over 2 years ago... and now it's fucking ruined. Thanks so much for being so negative about the things that actually make me happy, dad. Thanks so much for telling me repeatedly last week that I wouldn't be able to handle the trip to LA because of my pain and making me feel like I was doomed to fail. Things are finally getting to a point where I legitimately will not be able to go on.. unless I find a fucking rich enough person to date/marry who can afford me the mobility devices and expensive pain treatment options I so badly need. It's so fucked up and awful that I have to actually think seriously about taking that route because of the way my dad has chosen to move forward in life without me and because I know I can't survive the way he's trying to force me to live. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. If you're family or know my dad, PLEASE do me a HUGE favor and don't contact him about this. It will unfortunately only make things a LOT worse for me. He does not respond the way you would expect a seasoned, extremely well-educated psychologist would. When it comes to his daughter, he believes things like that I should be able to control (and that I actually AM able to) my anxiety and tears when I'm horribly anxious and upset. As if I'm personally insulting him and trying to make things harder for him and I'm just crying or having an anxiety attack from him raising his voice at me in what I tried to present as a rational conversation to slight him. "You can control it, you just don't want to." I can't even count how many times he's told me that I can control my anxiety and adrenaline problem if I actually "wanted to." That makes me so sick. Coming from a psychologist, that's so fucked up. I am not a super human. Why the fuck would you think I could control things that others can't when I have WAY more to deal with health-wise and life-wise than most people with anxiety and mental illlness? A lot of you are former students or extended family who only know one or two sides to him, not the true person he is at home as a father and caretaker of a daughter with one of the top four most painful and debilitating conditions ever discovered and studied by man. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do, or what the hell is going to happen to me now. But I love you all. Especially you, Dallon James Weekes. Thank you for just fucking existing and being kind and brave enough to put yourself out there for the rest of us to enjoy your amazing personality, talent, and spirit too. Thank you for telling and showing me how much I matter and mean to you. I really fucking hope I can find some strength and fuel left in my empty tank to keep going through this hell and maybe make it out the other side somehow. I want to be there at your future shows. I want to be there to watch this band blow up. I want you to continue to see me in the audience and make direct eye contact and talk to me via hand signals because you're too far away and it's too loud in there to speak. I'm still beyond floored at how much you actually like me.. and the look on your face when you first spotted me in the crowd the other night was one of the sweetest things ever and I won't forget that ever ever ever, nor will I forget the way you say my name or smile and wink at me while conversing. Thank you for giving me that last week. You have no fucking idea how much you matter. How many times you have legitimately saved me from ending it all, just because of who you are and how much love I have for you and KNOWING even years ago that you would be heartbroken if I ever actually did commit and you found out (which you would).. That's what stopped my self-harming years ago and what stopped my actual attempts at ending my life. Him. This man. He is the reason I am still here, among others of course. It's not solely him. But he is a massive MASSIVE reason I am still here and without more scars all over my body from self-harm, trying to make the pain go to my skin where it's cut instead of my brain focusing on all the pain in my body and joints. Unfortunately I've gotten to this point where I seem to have no way forward that is actually emotionally sustainable for me. My entire body and mind are both still in full PTSD trauma mode from losing my mom and the months before we lost her when the cancer made her crazy and cruel and heartless. Can't even remember how many times she called the cops on me near the end because we got into a shouting match (initiated by her) and she would tell them I was being violent and physically hurting her or trying to push her down the stairs (these things would always happen when my dad wasn't home, too.) The cops would always come into my room to talk to me and tell me they could understand what an awful situation I was in but there was nothing they could do. One of them once came in and saw my weed on the bed, where it's obviously illegal to possess or consume in Georgia, and he only asked how much/often I use it. It was already abundantly clear to them by the time he spotted it that I'm badly disabled by pain and the horror of my mom's condition, and he knew I needed it. Didn't say another word after I told him I only use it medically for pain and anxiety/depression and my stomach etc. Imagine dealing with that in the last months before your mom's mind deteriorates and she dies of cancer, so you can't even fucking spend time with her in her last days or try to make things right for fear of hearing more unforgettably awful words from her. I still haven't been able to go to regular therapy to deal with all of my grief and emotional scars from it either because of how bad my body and pain has been since. I've made it to about three appointments total so far. I have another tomorrow WITH my dad that is looking more and more like it will have to be postponed because I can't fucking move and my dad is choosing to be out for hours when I need him or ANYONE here to help me out so I might ACTUALLY be in good enough shape to go tomorrow. I just want to be free. I want to be happy. I was so happy last week, happier than I can even remember last being. Why do I only EVER get a few days of good and happy life before it all goes back to utter fucking hell? I don't get it. Sorry for this ridiculously long post... I just feel so completely alone and hopeless now and I really don't know what's going to happen to me if I don't find a friend or boyfriend or girlfriend to help me out, love me, and live with me. In desperate need of both physical and emotional support right now from friends and really anyone. Guess I have no choice but to start seriously searching for a well-off man or woman to date, regardless of their personality or whether I'm even attracted to them. I really can't believe this is what my life turned into. I had such a happy and healthy childhood until age ten when all of the pains and illnesses started to show their nasty faces. I could have never imagined this. I do remember being in like 1st grade art class and the teacher telling us about Frida Kahlo and how she was in a horrific bus crash that left her disabled and in excruciating pain. That was the first time I had ever heard the term "excruciating pain" and I've never forgotten that particular lesson for some reason.. Probably because it was basically foreshadowing my future. I remember being horrified by the mere thought of excruciating pain, and hoping I never ever had to experience that. And look where I am now LOOOOOOL. Must've been the psychic stuff in my brain latching onto that knowledge/sentence because it was already predetermined that I would end up in excruciating pain, thanks to the shitty genes that were passed on to me. So yep! My life fucking sucks.

[pipbabi]

Los Angeles Car Accident Attorneys

That is Los Angeles Car Accident Attorneys the easiest way to protect your rights to seek compensation for any and all property damage or physical/psychological injuries from that accident. The sole focus of Automobile Accident Lawyer Professionals and their car accident attorneys is the illustration of significantly injured individuals. On account of damages suffered from a automotive accident, victims could also be overwhelmed by health challenges and the confusing process of navigating insurance claims to realize correct compensation. Your well being is crucial factor, after all, so we would like you to have the ability to get better out of your injuries properly. An in depth report of any accidents and property damage sustained in the accident. A private harm attorney - “PI” Attorney - helps clients who've suffered from a car accident, amongst different varieties of injuries. More often than not, insurance corporations in Los Angeles try and significantly reduce the value of your personal injury and property injury claim through a combination of varied unfair insurance coverage claim practices. Let our Los Angeles automotive accident lawyers combat for you! When in need of a car accident lawyer Los Angeles, you may easily seize hold of the best car accident attorneys in town. No one can predict a car accident, but you can put together for one.

There are such a lot of transferring elements to a automotive accident case. The accident brought about whiplash and a few brain damage. When one other party has caused your harm, that occasion needs to be held answerable for the price of your medical expenses. Moreover, an excellent lawyer can join you with the very best medical care in your area, guaranteeing you’re on the road to a full recovery. Psychological, psychological and emotional trauma can have long-lasting results and result in anxiety, depression, panic attacks, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and different mental points, all of which can require expensive therapy, psychological counseling and rehabilitation. The attorneys at Custodio & Dubey, LLP might be reached 24/7 at (213) 785-2909, and are ready that can assist you construct your case at the moment. But such a situation doesn't help us clear up problems. Often, it is insurance adjusters who decide who is at fault for an accident, typically occasions with the help of a police report which includes the drivers’ statements and people of any witnesses.

It is essential for people who have been involved in automobile crashes to take specific steps instantly afterward. Auto mishaps additionally happen each time a particular person features a vehicle in a unsafe manner. Free Consultation Name the Regulation Offices of Sonia Suraya Amin (818) 995-9457 we now have the experience and legal know-how necessary to guide you through the sophisticated authorized technique of transferring ahead after an auto accident. The attorneys at Custodio & Dubey have been representing those severely injured in auto accidents for over 25 mixed years, and continue to ship high quality, proficient authorized representation with every day that passes. Six or seven months after a automobile accident, it could also be difficult to recall how painful it was to do one thing as simple as climb the stairs or pull a shirt over your head. Automobile collisions typically carry legal consequences in proportion to the severity of the accident.

No matter what sort of damage you suffered, you should consult an skilled Los Angles automobile accident attorney as you may be entitled to financial compensation that will help you get the remedy you want. They would be of great help in case you are on the victim aspect and are in very urgent need of authorized assist. By enlisting the companies of J&Y Regulation Agency, you'll have peace of mind realizing that completed automobile accident attorneys are on your aspect. In some cases, an accident victim might not be aware that she or he has been injured or wants medical remedy until days or even weeks later when the signs begin to floor. Victims often become extraordinarily fearful and want counseling along with any medical therapy. The perfect attorneys are devoted to their clients’ causes and is not going to relaxation till the injury victims obtain all of the compensation they're owed. Objectives and Offenses of Criminal Law

Trademark infringement generally is a rampant problem through the entire Web space. Third parties are selecting established trademark s plus websites, web programs and so on sites with no authorization from the trademark holder. One area of internet associated trademark rights is constantly on the draw attention. The use of alternative party trademarks as search phrases in advertising for your Google, Bing, Msn as well as other marketing and advertising sites remains controversial. The use of those trademarks within the text of commercials triggered by keywords and key phrases can also be controversial. A Trademark infringement attorney will assist you to relating to this.

An act finished with the guilty intention is really a guilty act. In the latin language, you will find there's maxim that can bring the light about this line. It is only actus non facit reum nisi mens sit rea. When the crime is committed, evidence are collected. Then the suspect is arrested judging by evidence collected. When arrested, the accused has got the to remain silent as anything said by him may be used against him in the court of law. A criminal lawyer is hired through the accused. Now the dui comes into the picture. Being charged for just about any criminal case or activity is not a small mater which can be taken lightly. When struck in a criminal court case, you may want to pay huge amounts of money or reside in prison for several years. Therefore, it is always far better to take the services offers by professional dui attorney, that's prepared to present your case in court and drive hard to defend you from the charges that were made against you. For hiring a criminal defense lawyer for the case, you might get many references out of your close relative.

The law does prohibit paralegals from performing some duties. They are not able to perform the work of the lawyers per se. For instance, they cannot appear as representatives problem, offer legal services to clients, set fees or sign any documents. There are strict penalties which might be imposed with them if they contravene the law by doing any from the work that they're not permitted to. There are many cases of people which were banned from being paralegals even though they sought out of the strategy to perform duties they are not permitted to. This is one of the car accident defense attorney los angeles reasons why people who were once renowned paralegals still can't work. If you look online or require references you're certain to come across a number of DUI attorneys in Las Vegas. They are indeed your first distinctive line of defense so make a choice wisely. Try to make sure the person has good understanding of the neighborhood law and contains fought and succeeded in similar cases before. With all said and done, prevention is obviously much better than cure so do not drive under the influence of drug or alcohol mainly because it can have a terrible effect on many lives.

[armorroofing]

The Best Springfield MO Roofers

The article The Best Springfield MO Roofers originally appeared on Armor Roofing Kansas City.

Almost all people underrate how pretty important it actually is to have routine roof inspections. Finding a lovely and good residential home may be the ambition of each individual with kids. A large house provides you the setting crucial in order to establish a life with your family. But you must initially make it a point that your family home is usually the very best place for your loved ones to be. The final matter you desire is certainly for your best life to wind up as ruined by a roof shingles rupture and the interrelated mold damage to your most cherished stuff. As a result, you should always keep watch over your roof.

A roof is arguably the most crucial part of the home, as, without a well-maintained roof top, the interior of your home could be exposed to bad weather which makes buying a house worthless. If you are in Springfield and you are suspicious that you might just have roofing trouble, right now could possibly be an incredibly good moment in time to contact us for an extensive roof inspection.

We have been operating in the Springfield area for at least 23 years and we place clients demands first. One can possibly prove this point by browsing a ton five-star past customer testimonials hosted at online feedback websites. Just about all roof jobs ought to be covered by insurance, and we can easily help you grasp through the red tape to aid you in getting your roofing work reimbursed. We always stand behind our best quality roofing jobs. We are offering a minimum of a 5-year guarantee on all our services.

The last thing you wish for is for roof top tears to tarnish your residence and things indoors. You surely have nothing to lose by getting in touch with us for a no obligation roof inspection at this time. Simply dial the number just below or send us a communication with the aid of the Contact Us web page.

Call Us Today!Call Us Today! (816) 331-7663

Raining weather conditions undeniably can be the end of a roof in the event that you will not take on the natural considerations to assure it is looked over on a long term basis and serviced at the 1st symptom of trouble. First, you should certainly fully understand is that a roof installation could perhaps cost you more than any kind of remodeling you might have realized before, even though when it is in regards to roof cases, it is better to take on it quickly. The very reason is not difficult to understand. As the problem does get even worse, it probably will amount to more funds than ever before, and we are sure that nobody wants for that to take place. As the roof is simply a large shield of the home, the structure would likely slowly weaken and at some point, a repair perhaps even a replacement are genuinely needed.

Then again, there is without question a hopeful prospect to this entire narrative. Not every busted roof top entails a complicated replacement. In truth, most roof damage may be managed with a straightforward to accomplish spot job. A residential home insurance protection will often pay for the amount of a roof structure servicing or installation, assuming they oversee the process and determine it was concluded properly. This is of course rationale why it is imperative to seek the right roofing contractor for the work, or maybe you could be left with the charge since the chore is unfinished or the roofing repair contractor you retained did not perform the job correct the first time.

Exactly Which Categories Of Rooftop Issues Should One Have a Look To Identify?

To determine a roof covering's health and well being, there are a lot of concerns you be needing to understand conditional on the nature of roofing you have now:

What Exactly Are Benefits In New Roofing Installations?

Under the Roof structure - Is the sarking compromised? A stratum beneath the roof covering is referenced as sarking. Think about this blemish as a sign that intensive roof covering maintenance is needed. So long as you expect to keep the damage from spreading, it is totally necessary to remedy the situation right away.

Do you see any sort of deteriorated stainless steel located on your home's sheet metal rooftop? You immediately must have to chat to a local roofing service to look in order to identify just how horrendous the impairment is. The final thing you would not need to have is for water to leak because of the rusted metal.

Encounter any wood decomposition over the roof top's elements? If you happen to meet the wood protective layer, it is certainly a negative indication. Once revealed, the trauma really should be addressed. It is going to be most effective to take care of this damages soon.

For those who do uncover damage, you should do a limited servicing or maybe even an extensive substitution, each with its own pros and shortcomings. Then again, the requirement for a roof structure replacement would be the effect of a cautious examination that is best carried out by a high-quality local roofing company not too distant from Springfield. Take note that there is no demand to inspect the roof on your own to spy notice roofing disorders. A good number of highly recommended roof repair experts will make available full examinations for nothing, and you do not be forced to get on top of your roof to search for deterioration.

Talk To at Roofs Are Us at the moment by clicking on the "Call Us Now" button beneath this sentence.

Call Us Today!Call Us Today! (816) 331-7663

So why leave your roof covering to chance? Dial Roofs Are Us as soon as possible at (816) 331-7663 and our company can investigate the roof covering completely free. When you get the professional's assistance, ask him or her to determine whether his team will need to do an entire replacement or simply a little patch up project will be acceptable. A full-blown replacement shall generally be a possibility, most importantly if you find you wish to go on and upgrade your roofing to any life time roof solution that would increment the asset's resale value at the same time delaying potential rehab. In the case when the wreckage is severe enough it will likely even be a necessity.

Do You Know Some Of The Added Advantages Linked To Roof Material Replacements?

What moron will not prefer to own a hundred percent new rooftop if or when granted the chance? You should relax easily for the next 30 years since the roof structure really should manage no matter what mother nature throws at it with the exception total disaster. Apply a life time shingle system on your abode and you can probably hope for a hassle-free roof structure for 40 or more years. Obviously if a complete re-roof surely just isn't going to interest you this moment, a no fuss repair can be finished assuming the wreckage ıs just not horrific.

You categorically will need to reflect on an absolutely new roof structure replacement in the event that you will soon resell your property or home. A high-quality roof covering may expand a home's value reasonably considerably.

Why Should You Attempt To Avoid A Springfield Fresh new Roofing Mounting?

The energy used for a roof top replacement will probably be some more than with an effortless restoration. Then again should it be you consider a trusted roofing professional equipped with an extensive team easily available, the work could very well be finished remarkably in short order. A complete rooftop replacement is likely to often be priced around $4-thousand to $8-thousand based on just how extensive the residence is and what design of compounds you are working with on it. A big palace or high-quality element would be dramatically more costly even while small to medium sized homes could quite possibly come down just below this scale. As described previously, this charge can be as a general rule dealt with by the insurer, yet solely if or when the endeavor can be sanctioned in advance and implemented correctly. Armor Roofing Services has been working in Springfield for a considerably long time and are familiar with most of the surrounding policies and the terms and conditions fundamental to get your demand picked up.

Armor Roofing will aide your family if or when you do think your roof top will probably be in need of some maintenance. Not one person is better than Armor Roofing Services each time one takes into account customers gratification and level of quality. Press on the button beneath to connect with us immediately!

Call Us Today!Call Us Today! (816) 331-7663

Armor Roofing LLC - Kansas City 6600 NW Tower Dr #104 Kansas City, MO 64151 (816) 935-9312 http://kansascity.roofsareus.com

The post The Best Springfield MO Roofers appeared first on Armor Roofing Kansas City.

[thekirstenkhaye]

LIFE UPDATE: Year, Two Thousand Seventeen

What a year it has been already. It is now April 5th (in my notes on my phone) but actually I’m encoding this now using my laptop on the 7th of April. The first three months have indeed flew by so fast. Well, technically, not that fast but basically by just how things have felt, day after day slipping by my fingers for the past months, it surely did feel like it.

Actually it’s now 28th of April that I’m continuing this. Things have had happened and they all felt like they weren’t in my control. That was probably why I’ve been feeling like I couldn’t keep up with everything and get that time to sit and write down my thoughts about the things that have happened so far. It was a lot but let me try now, in this post to tell it all in a form of explanation yet also thoroughly constructed blog.

It honestly started last year when the job that I had where I was getting my income those days. It wasn’t really a job I must say. I just got lucky I guess? I found this group’s post on Facebook last year that says I could get $25 per week without doing anything. All I have to do was have a Facebook account. Which I obviously have. It wasn’t illegal by the way, and I seriously didn’t do anything anymore after they’ve set up what they needed on my account. I indeed got $15 instantly after the set up and another 15 after the second step then the weekly $25 came by for around 4 weeks. On the last week that I got $25, it was the week that I got this interview for the job that my aunt told me about wherein I did apply for. If you want to know more about that experience, you can read that here. So with that at hand during that week, I didn’t get to go online that much to check my e-mails and such hence I’ve read the e-mail of that group to me on a Friday which was their last working day. I contacted them ahead after knowing that there was a problem. We tried solving it, but I was too late, Facebook had blocked the only thing that was giving me some money those times that came from me, from my own perseverance to earn. I was so pissed off that time because it wasn’t even illegal, it wasn’t something that could make the users of Facebook feel bad or something. It was just pure business. But of course Facebook has its way to fuck up others so they said it’s for my account’s safety. How will I argue with that? So that happened, and to make it worse, the company who told me that they would still give me a job even if I wouldn’t pass the recording, didn’t contact me anymore. Not even a text or just e-mail that says, SORRY I WAS JUST LYING. Just kidding, but you know what I’m talking about. It’s not like that company was huge anyway.

Sooooo there’s that.

Those happened during the latter months of September and early weeks of October 2016. If those didn’t happen, those times would’ve been the times that I’d be so hyped with anything already since the Christmas season was just around the corner. But then again, I guess that was the trigger of me going back to my depressed state again. Oh and before I forgot, I also had a seizure attack before all of those happened. So the dosage of meds that I needed to take went higher. My anxiety wasn’t on its worse state after the seizure attack because I’m sure it was because I was proving to everybody that I was fine. That I was good, I was okay, I could have a job despite my condition, I just needed to discipline myself and take my meds on time. And yet after the seizure, the optimism in me started to get eaten up by my anxiety because of the things that have had been happening with the jobs that I thought would let me get to help my father to finance the list of medicine that I need. Symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder started to get more noticeable for me because I know them, I’ve read about them. With that in my mind, my anxiety just got more into me until I said to my aunt that I was living with those times that maybe it would be better if I’ll just stay at Sta. Monica (where my father and some relatives on my father side live) since I couldn’t take the guilt too already that she still had to think of me also every time she goes out of the house. I didn’t tell her that though. To make it simple, the family that I was staying with at the city had trauma too after my attack because it happened inside the C.R. when I was alone taking a dump so obviously the door would be locked. I got to shout before I got unconscious that’s why my aunt’s mom (who was luckily there when it happened) got to hear me and tried her best to open the door because I wasn’t responding already. Couldn’t blame them though. Long story short, I went back to Sta. Monica just to make sure there’d be people that will be around to look after me no matter what happens. Still sucks, but can’t do anything about it since my anxiety is still there in my head, making my insomnia worse. Speaking of anxiety, when I went back here in Sta. Monica, I thought I’d be fine already. I’d feel safer, hence the anxiety attacks I had (which were like one of the worse times of my life) scared the hell out of me that I had to ask my father if we could ask my neuro doctor already for sleeping pills or something. Because the first severe anxiety attack I had when I went back here, I had to wake my cousin (we sleep in the same room) up in the middle of the night because I didn’t know what to do with myself, I couldn’t breathe properly and I just couldn’t feel my body at all anymore. She had to wake up our aunts and my father to ask what to do. And when I saw them, I just cried and cried and cried and yeah. It’s just the worse feeling ever. I have two types of meds now that I’m taking to prevent them and also to make me sleep faster and better. It helps, yes. But with the sleeping part, mostly not.

Dealing with my health happened that’s why I got really spaced out from looking for a time to sit, write a blog and post on here. And while those were all happening from November to January, one of my cousins decided to get married on December (which I also helped out to organize; I did some stuff for her bachelorette party and their invitation for the wedding), my grandmother (mom’s side) decided to spend her Christmas here in the Philippines and to top all of that, Gravity confirmed his visit here on February (you all know that by now if you’re updated on my Instagram or if you’ve read this blog post). Before we all forget though, I had my dreamtag last year which was visiting cafés. So the pending posts of my reviews for the cafés I visited before all those things happened were also in my mind. Little by little, I was adding parts of the dreamtag blogs that I did get to post in a span of 6 months. I think, I only got to write that very short blog about Gravity visiting me was only because I really want to keep a memory of what I was really feeling before I meet him in person. I’m glad that I got to do it actually even though it was one heck of a time. I was seriously struggling to finish that blog because I couldn’t really focus much — anxiety was a bitch, still is for me.

Christmas was fine. I got photos posted during those times on my Facebook and also some on Instagram. I was seriously not in a festive mode during the holidays that’s for sure. I did try to have fun though. As much as I could. Oh and how life loves mocking me, guess what happened on New Year? I got high fever right before we had to go to the church and do the pre-celebration party. There I was, had to stay behind to snuggle in a blanket, shivering and trying not to get everyone worried when I was having an anxiety attack. I called my father up to the room to get me my pills for anxiety though. The rest of January went by too fast because of Gravity’s visit. I think I’ve spent most of my time, if not getting rid of my anxiety, finishing my last dreamtag blog post and writing down what I’ve been feeling while counting down the days until Gravity’s arrival, I was just being depressed.

Depression fades (it doesn’t entirely goes away, it just fades) from me feeling it when I try hard to put myself out there and do something productive. They helped a lot. Seriously a lot, especially last year when I started my dreamtag. But then it just started coming back when I stopped visiting cafés. You know those times when you can tell by your mind that you’re just thinking that you should be happy because some great things are happening in your life but then if you’re done making every one think that you’re happy, you just feel nothing. It was that way. It still is to be honest but I guess I know the way now how to feel productive again and you know, beat the feeling of depression again. I’ve been exercising since late last year. Like my regular therapy-like exercises plus some workout routines to strengthen my body. To be honest, when I don’t get sweaty in a day because of not exercising, I do really feel awful. So yes, that’s the solution to that. For now or for a lifetime since working out is a lifestyle after all.

Now that that problem’s solved... Okay folks, let’s just be clear here. It isn’t just that easy, please understand that. It takes your own willingness to feel better to have that. You see, I guess my first paragraph above is proof enough of that. I wasn’t really sure what to write during those two dates that I first tried. Okay, you know, to be honest, I’ve tried countless times to start writing again. But I just got that fire today. And it’s not even the 28th anymore because it’s now 12:35 am. Yes it’s late. Will I end writing this tonight before I go to bed? Hmm maybe my 2016 self would. But my 2017 self is trying to be healthy and strong so I’ll just continue this later when I wake up.

04-29-17 // 10:01 pm

Yes, I write this late hence I can’t finish a blog in one sitting. I think I have to fix my mind’s schedule now. Anyway, so let’s continue?

This part will be a lighter read already. All my plans and all good things will be on this part of the blog…

First off, I went back to my sane self for quite a bit on early days of January and wrote down stuff that I have to get done this year. Numero uno on that list was to try my best on getting my laptop fixed and it was because I knew that I need to write again. This blog isn’t just because I want to be like those known bloggers out there after all. NO. Definitely not. I think I’ve said this on here countless times already that this blog is my outlet. This is like my diary. I know I don’t have regular readers, but writing my thoughts and putting all of it out here helps me a lot to feel good and complete. I need my solitude and writing. This time that I get to have so I could write my thoughts out, I wouldn’t trade this for all the updated vlogs that I could watch in my subscription list on Youtube.

Speaking of Youtube, I’ve been hooked on watching vlogs already. I think it all started when I checked Laureen Uy’s Youtube Channel last year then after that, I came across a video on Instagram which was very funny and it was a clip from one of the videos of Liza Koshy on Youtube. Because of those two women, I decided to search and learn the ins and outs about the site. Hence I made an account on Youtube and that’s so I could subscribe to these women’s channels and be updated with their videos. From that moment, the people that I am subscribed to just kept on growing day after day.

Then out of the blue after watching the vlogs of Wil Dasovich, Daniel Marsh, Casey Neistat and Pewdiepie for over a month every day, I was like ‘What if I’ll just vlog? It’ll be much easier than writing all these words out of my head?’ Well obviously, that thought didn’t work out. I still like the idea though and some of my friends back in high school know how much I love recording videos and editing them to make them this one piece of film to remember the good times. I’d still do it somehow though but I wouldn’t pressure myself on it anymore. I know for a fact anyway that I have a passion on it, I just have to prioritize some things as of the moment. And blogging is what I need now more than ever.

I public have playlists on there though. You can just check them out for now.

With that said, I actually have numbers of titles here on my drafts already for the next couple of blogs that will be up soon. So be excited for those if you’ve reached reading up to here. The blog about my thoughts of finally meeting Gravity will probably be up next after this. Then a different blog will be up for all the plans that I have for this year. Yes, I decided that that will be on a separate blog post already. And of course, the 2017 Dreamtag, we should not forget about that. And if time and fate would allow it, there will might be a surprise soon. Who knows? Life is full of surprises after all.

I’ll just end this post right here, I guess? :)

Vivre la vie au maximum, folks!                          ~Kaye