#and it definitely manifests in me too. so much so that i've been told to stop doing it.

[chaisshitposts]

Write A Letter To Yourself To Find The Answers You Want. || 'Dear Subconscious...'

have ya ever had a problem at hand that ya just couldn't figure out a solution to? it's such a deeply perplexing problem that ya just decide to shrug it off and maybe 'sleep it off.' and so, ya do just that... and maybe in the middle of the night, or as soon as ya wake up, or maybe even two days later in the middle of a totally unrelated task, ya get a random idea, a random thought, or perhaps a random solution that was the answer. that was yer subconscious, answerin' that problem ya were so stumped on.

which got me thinkin'... why haven't i considered askin' my subconscious a direct question? ive seen this happen in movies before, usually with— people who have DID or MPD, or perhaps someone who sleep walks, or suffers black outs. I've seen people leave notes and messages to themselves.

why haven't I just written a letter addressed to my subconscious and let it solve everything for me? why haven't I asked my subconscious to show me the answer or give me the answers I need to tap into being in the state of pure consciousness? the letter is personal to me, and my subconscious knows me best, so why the fuck wouldn't I trust what it has to say? i already do muscle testin' to get my yes/no answers, I already do fuckin' tarot readin's on myself— so... why not do this? can't believe I haven't done this yet.

and with that thought, I got my handy notebook, sat down at my dining room table, and got to writin', starting the letter off by saying 'dear subconscious...' I spilled my most vulnerable guts afterwards and the rest was history.

I'm gonna tell ya right now, full transparency, I wrote to my subconscious about how much I want to enter the void state/I Am State and asked it for clear signs in my letter, I told it to give me the answers I want in a way that only I could understand. an experiment worth while... originally, i wasn't gonna post this but then i got my answers and i wanted to share this with ya lovely folks of this lil' dandy community.

I bet you're wonderin' what was the answer I got from my subconscious. I got multiple answers, as terrifying as that is, and I cannot even fathom how I can explain them properly. All I know is that I feel unwavering peace in all aspects of my life. but if yer really curious, I got a message in a tarot readin' video and through the spinoff of adventure time that just came out, not too long ago on max. Fiona and Cake. the shit they say in the show is... I can't even explain how it made me feel, just finished watchin' the entire series today. it was everything I needed to know, I asked my subconscious for an answer that only I would understand and what would ya know... i love musicals and animated shows/movies, and behold, i gotta damn combo. i definitely recommend it to my fellow manifesters!!! they literally talk about how easy it is to create yer own REALITIES in the damn show... that's what we fuckin' do!!!!

how do I write a letter to myself?

address yourself a letter as 'dear subconscious' and then get to writin'. you're literally sendin' yerself a letter, say whatever ya want in it, write yer secrets, write yer fears, write yer dreams. ask yer subconscious whatcha need to do to get yer dream life guaranteed and ya shall receive. some people may not like the idea of this but, what's the harm in a lil' conversation with yerself and findin' out the answers ya need. It can especially help ya if you've been strugglin' for a while, 'specially with all ya folks out there who've been on yer void journey for multiple years. what better way to get yer answers than to speak to yerself through yer own mind... wah, that sounds fuckin' coconuts but I stand by it.

essentially, this is just a combo of commandin' yer subconscious and scriptin', that's not hard at all. and who said ya gotta handwrite it? ya can type it out on yer phone or even yer computer if ya want, do whatever feels good and allows ya to write out yer guts and frustration. after that, ya can relax and see what happens next. that's all in this post! thanks for readin' and I hope ya get the answers ya seek! until next time!~

p.s. this ain't a challenge, it's just another way to get to know what you need to do to accomplish your dreams as the individual creator of yer reality. you'll know when yer answers come. hell, might even come to ya in the middle of the night or even in a random movie in the form of a quote that is far too relatable to yer situation ya decided to sit down and watch one day. kinda like what happened with me... hehe.

[commanderchr1st]

Why I left tumblr suddenly in 2017 at the apex of my blog commanderchrist.

I'm sorry to "break character," but I gotta say some shit as Joe that's been bothering me for years. It is corny, it is personal, it is emotional, but I've recently been facing a lot of personal turmoil, and I gotta say some shit.

I'm not calling anyone out, not trying to start drama, but for quite some time I've had some baggage that has caused me a great deal of mental damage, tbh. More below.

Hey all, 7-8 year old drama here. I've told my friends this story, and I've also kind of hinted at it, but I've never really gave an official response why I left tumblr in April of 2017. It's a really long story, and it's been connecting to a process of grieving multiple friendships, two relationships. I've never really wanted to talk about it too terribly much on an account that is so closely associated with what happened, I mainly spent time venting on private tumblrs, going to see doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. For a half of a decade, I was extremely upset, and honestly, it kinda came back in 2022.

First off, fartdick-supreme was a blog I made a few days after I left commanderchrist. I was obsessed to see a particular user disparage me, make false claims, and I was very, very angry on that blog. So, if you do snoop a little, just know that's a hella mentally ill college kid writhing in pain, not a coherent blog at all tbh.

The above picture was sent to me on discord in November of 2016 before they started telling one of my friends I called them fat (and they knew that person had self image issues and most importantly I didn't), racist, treating Tumblr like a meat shop, telling somebody I had a crush on that I was exploiting them because of their pill addiction (just an insane thing to say tbh), conspiring with an ex that cheated on me to write a callout post about all of this and more lol. I deleted in 2017 because I was unmedicated, going through a pretty severe breakup, was taking more than a full-time load at school, and this former friend was doing shit like this almost every day of the week. I refused to talk about this until I've had a LOT of time to heal because tbh somebody who I considered a close friend doing this kinda shook my mental health. I deleted, but I never left. I really don't want to leave their URL or talk specifically about anyone who was impacted on tumblr, but this has also affected a lot of individuals I used to be friends with. And for a lot of that, I was the scapegoat. I accepted this blame. Even though I didn't do like...any of it. At the most, I was a mentally ill alcoholic who had a really hard time navigating friendships. A good deal of friends also had their own individual hardships, especially this individual who had spread these accusations to myself and my friends.

I think it's important to say that all of this started because I was talking shit behind the friends back. I said they were a sore loser, I said they were impossible to talk to, I said they were bossy when it came to playing games, I said they needed to work on their anger issues. And I denied it to them, which I should not have. I should have told my friend all the problems that I was having with them. I failed to do that, because they were a very defensive person. My friends tried too, but they did not have any luck. So, it manifested as anger, and I did talk shit about them to those friends. Word got back to them, and this is how it all started. I'm not going to point any fingers because MOST of those friends, I am still on good terms with, but there were definitely a few that also seemed to share similar frustrations in a public setting.

Maybe it's because I'm mentally ill, but I refused to confront this. I deleted. I left. I went on medication, I finished my degree. But I did not ever once publicly defend myself.

Fast forward to now, and in 2022 I was faced with a very similar situation. I had broken up with my partner of four years. I REALLY don't want to get into the details of that relationship because it was incredibly toxic. I did a couple things I was not proud of as a response, especially when it came to involving my family in our relationship. Both my ex and my mother tried to drive a wedge between me and the other person, and it was maddening. It was a horrible way to live. Especially since every interaction I had with my mother was her trying to pry me from that relationship. At the time, I thought she was being manipulative and shitty, but everything changed in December of 2021 when my ex went to go visit family and I was left alone after moving several times, being evicted twice during covid, making some dumb mistakes financially, and it all dawned on me.

I was being abused. My ex from 2017 had BPD, which is fine, but my ex from 2022 also had this condition. And I was able to see a parallel: I REALLY don't want to go in detail about my relationships tbh and was one of the reasons I didn't want to bring it up, but in both relationships I was put into some fucked situations. In both, any time I had issues with something it was like pulling teeth... 0-10 on the intensity meter. I would bring things up and immediately be disparaged, yelled at, etc. In one of those relationships, they were drunk daily and would call me up and yell at me. They were also sleeping in the same bed as their ex boyfriend for months and not telling me (it was long distance). They also had some sexual exchanges with a pretty well-known tumblr user. The other, long story short, sexually abused me a lot. Put me in a situation of fatherhood when I explicitly mentioned I did not want to be a part of it. They said it was okay. And it was all okay, until all the sudden our bank account was shared and I had moved to a different state. They trapped me financially, and cornered me into fatherhood. The rest of the abuse got a bit more intense when I was left isolated without family in the state I was living in. This shit is hella hard to talk about, but those two are linked. In December of 2021, I realized everything. I was terrified, depressed, isolated, and ruminating. I broke up with my most recent ex in 2022 because...well its complicated but I misinterpreted this grief as me being gay. I thought I was purely attracted to men, and vagina repulsed. It took me longer than this to realize no, I was repulsed by my ex because of sexual abuse. Anyways, when I broke up with them, they threw shit all over the place, some at me. They screamed at me and told me that I was a waste of four years. And they immediately told me I could not be a father anymore and could not see the child. When just month prior I was given a deadline on providing a child for them.

What did this all have to do with 2017?

I've lived long enough to see me make some pretty big mistakes twice in a row. It's not the relationships I regret, despite the abuse. It's the lesson that I failed to learn myself. I need to stand up for myself more, and not accept blame when I did not do anything. I've been diagnosed with (at the very least) minor Obsessive Compulsive Disorder recently, I've had some mental issues in the past. But we are exploring that this may have been derived from PTSD. I think these two scenarios have been a part of it. I've let this get under my skin. In 2022, I lost a couple friendships because I did not explain ANYTHING to them, and my ex spoke to them a day or two after our breakup when I was still grieving, processing, trying to figure all this shit out. I'm ready now. I am a mentally ill person who suffered abuse from other mentally ill people. I have made the mistake of allowing THREE people who have mistreated me and left me with lasting trauma rule my life. They made me run, I've allowed myself to become all the things these abusive people have wanted me to be because I did not stand up for myself, I did not deny anything.... I ran like a coward. I'm sorry for doing that.

To the select people who have heard these rumors from these people in my life, I don't blame you for believing them. As a matter in fact, I'm sorry that I did not explain everything to you.

It will not happen again. And if we have had conversations in the past, or you have considered me a friend. A friend. Not a funnyman, not a "derailer," not anything on this site. If you have talked to me, if you know me as Joe, not Jog. Feel free to DM me.

I've stopped with the anon messages, because tbh I don't want to deal with them. I've had this individual and a couple other send me them throughout the years. If they have anything to say, I'd appreciate them striking a conversation with me via here, discord, whatever. And the same with you if you're curious. Just come to me, ask. I won't yell at you. I won't say anything I won't want to say, either, so if you ask and we were never close or didn't have a friendship in the past, I may not be inclined to share more receipts that I have from this time frame. But I'm an open book.

If you've read this far and you've thought some of my posts are funny, videos, whatever. I just wanna say thank you for sticking with me and appreciating it. And thank you for hearing something out that you may have not had a general interest in. Again, this is not a callout post or anything like that. This was years ago, I'm ready to move past this. I need to heal, and if you were a part of this... even if you were shitty to me, I want you to heal and get help, too.

[nonbinarydeity]

Give Up Control

This is gonna be a lot to read but PLEASE read it, it's so important, I can not stress this enough.

Holy shit. I just completely connected to my subconscious mind. I literally heard them talking to me, saying the nicest things; I realized somewhere deep inside of me that they have my best interests in mind, and I just gave up control completely.

I'm actually in shock writing this. I didn't realize it, but doing this is actually the best thing I could have ever done for myself. In giving up control, I allowed my subconscious to literally Speedrun the process of manifesting, but it didn't manifest things, it manifested feelings and this knowledge that I am a godly being.

I cannot describe to you how good I feel. It literally feels like my trauma, my pain, my fear, etc has been washed away. The moment I gave my subconscious control, it started washing out all of my old programming and it replaced it with love and acceptance. I feel so free like? I'm so much happier than I've ever felt.

How I gave up control

So what happened was, I was trying to get into the void state, and while doing so I was letting go of my outer world. I think I was one step away from it when my subconscious mind popped into my head and started telling me what I good job I was doing, and it told me that all I had to do this whole time was let go of the outer world, thus giving up control of my reality (let go of control, whatever is attaching you to the idea of needing control, let go of it). I literally disconnected from reality while doing this. I could feel and hear it, but I knew that it wasn't nearly as real as me if that makes sense??

Then it asked me what I wanted. And I stg I was gonna say the void state but then I realized that that's what was holding me back. I wanted so much and I had no idea how to get it; trying to get it made it feel farther away so I kept trying and failing and trying and... Let's just say I've broken that cycle.

So anyways, instead of asking it for the void, I just asked what it wanted, and this wave of happiness shot through me, and I knew I did the right thing.

What happened after I let go (why I think everyone should try this!!)

My subconscious mind literally walked me through the process of letting go of my trauma you guys. Like it literally helped me get into the correct states and everything. I felt resistance to some of the stuff (literally my ego was trying to stop it, like the fear and everything yk?), but I let go of that too and let my subconscious do it's work and oh. my. god. I feel so much freer, so much more powerful, so much happier and I can't even describe it fully.

I definitely don't feel done with this process, I know I probably have a few more sessions of this to go before I'm fully healed from everything, but even in one go I feel SO MUCH BETTER (I cannot stress this enough). I know that I'm in control but I also know that when it comes to actually getting what I want, it's a higher part of me that's doing it. Like it's me in the driver's seat, but it's not this earthly me, it's beyond that.

Anyways I hope this makes sense but I swear you all HAVE to try this. Like just lay down and meditate and ask your subconscious to help you let go of your need for control, and let them guide you through everything. Don't ask for anything besides their help and let them give you what you REALLY want (to heal, to love, to be free, etc). It'll be 1000% worth it, I promise 😭💕

[greenfiend]

I've always been kind of skeptical of Will-with-powers theories that give him these grandiose reality-warping powers -- like, that ability does sort of vibe with the Stranger Things universe, since we already have a little girl who can rip open portals to another dimension -- but creating entire universes or people out of nothing still feels a little over-the-top compared to what the show has established as possible.

But I do think the manifestation theory is a good fit for the show, thematically -- Will summoning a girl into existence who perfectly fits the role he thinks he isn't good enough for, both as a hero and as a love interest for Mike.

So I'm thinking... if this is El's true origin, then the power Will used to create her isn't likely to be reality-warping so much as time travel.

Time paradoxes are perfectly capable of creating whole new realities out of nothing -- my pet theory is that this is where the Mind Flayer comes from -- so what if whatever happened to Will in the Upside Down was the origin of the time bullshit that created El?

In regard to the skepticism, I feel you. It does seem very over the top, especially at first. I mean, this is God-level abilities! (Though the Jesus symbolism does exist for Will…) I imagine if I told a GA this theory, they would look at me like I have two heads! If this is what they’re going for, it will need to be executed well and a lot of things will need explanations.

But yes, narratively and big picture-wise… it does have some merit. Will is, and always has been, a major player in the story. Even when they hide him in the background, he’s still important and significant. Plus, there is something more to the connection between El and Will that has yet to be discovered. They are compared and contrasted FAR too often for it to be merely a coincidence. I think the major problem we face when theorizing is often we lack the ability to combine small details with the big picture stuff. Some theorists are exceptional at finding small hidden clues within the show, but miss out on the big picture stuff. And vice versa. But the fact that this show is difficult to predict makes theorizing so much fun. We can run wild with different ideas here!

Ahhh yes time! Time is so important in the story. I like this idea. Time paradoxes fascinate me. I think you’re onto something here. Altering time can definitely create new realities (and people). This can definitely explain the creation of an entire human being. Like in Back to the Future, Marty’s existence was threatened due to the alterations in time. A lot to think about here!

Love your theory post! The mind flayer being a reminder of Will’s future is brilliant and SO fitting! It’s so tragic how much damage homophobia does. The fact that Will is probably worrying he’ll become a monster is just… heartbreaking. 💔 We all know he won’t though. He’ll be able to embrace his true self AND be the hero!

Thanks for the ask. 💕

[natalyarose]

Hello 🤍 hope you are doing well.

I was curious about your opinion on this. I’ve heard astrologers talk about Magha being the “height” of Ketu and comparing it to being “the seat of the throne”

I have a friend who has been told her Rahu in Magha 8th house is a bad axis to have because of Rahu being in a Ketu sign, in the 8th house of secrets.

I actually think it gives… princess of the underworld or unknown vibes. She’s very much deep in the occult and can see things about people before others can.

What is your opinion?

Thanks so much. Love to you

Hey!! 💜

ooh interesting- well from what I'd personally gather & what I've read, the problem with having a Rahu-ruled Ketu & a Ketu-ruled Rahu lies in that the person may become overly absorbed in spiritual/occult matters to the point of it being almost like an addiction. Then the person could feel extremely numb/detached from the material world- almost like what people refer to as a 'spiritual psychosis'.

However, the thing about Rahu & Ketu is while they are very important in a chart, they do stay in the same place for quite some time & I doubt every single person born in that time period is going to have that nature. I love answering questions like these but the truth is, every placement behaves differently when you consider the nuance in the rest of the chart!

For example, if the person directly has Rahu/Ketu (nodal) Nakshatras in their major placements or the nodes themselves (eg. Ketu conjunct Moon), in that case whatever the nodes are up to becomes veryy significant to that person on a more personal level.

That being said, I think that this placement can totally manifest in a healthy way- it really could simply represent someone super interested in and magnetised by the occult like your friend is!!

As for it being in the 8th house- I don't see that as a bad thing necessarily at all, it could just allude to somebody with a veryy inquisitive nature who feels compelled to understand the deeper meanings & patterns behind taboo or mysterious topics 🪷✌🏼💕

edited- just crossed my mind that Rahu in the 8th makes me think of someone who may feel a draw to true crime, or finds themselves very invested in dark topics, other people's trauma or even their own trauma. Definitely once again, a pull towards the occult/unseen knowledge too.

Rahu = absorption, elusive magnetic attraction, at times obsession or desire, daydreaming, addiction etc.

8th house = death, sex, occultism, hidden information, private matters (like large amounts of money, personal & intimate things), sudden events, at times traumatic events, exploration of 'darkness'.

[lackablazeical]

Apologies for the repeat ask, I just think mine got lost in all the others and now that you're answering asks I just wanted to try again so please ignore the first one if you manage to find it (again, really sorry if this bothers you and thanks for taking the time to read all of this). First off, I absolutely adore this AU!!!! I love how dark and angst-filled it is and the toxic relationships and the characterizations as a whole are so brilliantly well-done. You manage to draw me deeper and deeper into this twisted fiction with you and your co-writters masterful ideas and art. Not to mention how refreshing and relieving it is to be able to enjoy all of this angst without having to worry about if the individual(s) behind this truly feel that those kinds of relationships work that way (ie. romanticises/normalises it). All in all, thank you so much for all the time and effort you and your co-writors have put into this, it's greatly appreciated and I can't wait to see more!!!

P.S. I feel like Hateful Ever After by Ellise as well as a bunch of her other songs plus Paparazzi by Lady Gaga work really well in encompassing the vibes Addams Leosagi gives off. Maybe some of Upsahl, Will Wood and Confetti (especially Rob a Bank) songs for Addams Mikey too?

Thank you gain for taking the time to read this huge text dump and I hope you have a wonderful day(s)/week(s)/month(s)/year(s) because you deserve it and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise!!

No worries!!!!! I see every ask I get, I just have like. The lowest social battery ever, and for some reason asks are included in that (yeah, idk either) so I don't answer often. Your words are so, completely, absolutely screamed and fawned over.

We love dark themes and it's nice to see that you agree!!!!! All the dynamics and stuff are always so fun to work on and flesh out, how toxic relationships manifest in loads of different ways and how to portray that correctly. Labor of love, for sure!!!! Sad that some people do romanticize or normalize it, but all there is to do is be better then they are, yk?

Thank you for your kind words!!!!!! They are so so appreciated, you don't even know!!! We have lots of stuff in the works, which is so exciting (and nerve-racking, lol).

Now, song reccs!!!! Hell yeah >:]]]]]

For Hateful Ever After, I think the tone is really Leo, but the lyrics hit me over the head with Usagi. Like, Spot on!!!

Don't tell my brother, please // I know he worries about me // Seen I've been losing sleep 

The ones who told me all I need to know // But, I can't go back even if I want

Four eyes to watch each other cry // Three lies, you whispered to me that night // Two arms to hold my broken trust // One heart for the both of us

AS FOR PAPARAZZI?????? THE FACT ITS SO LEO *AND* ITS GAGA????? LEO WOULD LOVE GAGA OH MY GOD. LOVED THESE LINES.

I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me

But I won't stop until that boy is mine // Baby, you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me

Look at the past blast, I'ma make you fall on your ass // Suck it up and pacify, but it's irrelevant

As for Mikey, I do love those!!!! ESPECIALLY Rob A Bank (hell, I put it on my OWN playlist, it fucking slaps). I also really like Ghost by Confetti for him too!!!! Confetti just seems to be really good overall LOL

I didn't listen to too many songs by each artist, just some of the first that popped up, but I really loved both Drugs and People I Don't Like by UPSAHL for him too! That's really how Mikey approaches his fame and the people he has to interact with because of it. He's there for the drugs and the party, not for the people. And he's aware they aren't there for HIM, but the connections he can give them.

As for Will Wood, Main Character is SOOOO Mikey. Bro really would call people NPCs LMAOOOO. I loved the line "God forbid I'm seen just as an average human being." That alone definitely made it an insta-add to his playlist :]

GOOD LUCK READING MY TEXT DUMP RIGHT BACK!!!!! HAVE AN AWESOME DAY TOO <333 THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR ASK!!!

[numinously-yours]

Hey so recently I've participated in @numinously-yours tarot Giveaway and I was lucky enough to be one of the winners. I received my reading in the video format as I chose the video option and she delivered it to me in just like two days?? Which was just so fast and quick, the reading was detailed and have so many insights and too good to be free. I had chosen the little prince and the other tarot deck which was just as beautiful as she asked me which one i wanted to get my reading done too and for clarification she chose the other one. She was sweet and kind as always and ger energy could be felt even through the screen.

CELTIC CROSS-TAROT GIVEAWAY FEEDBACK; Well definitely I'm a hopeless romantic so definitely a healthy relationship that turns into a marriage is important to me as well but currently I'm not looking for love and definitely taking charge of my life like you said. So yes whatever you said resonated from a pov of both love and life. And definitely i do long for a relationship deep inside. And definitely love definitely has a huge role or part in my life. Like I've always felt this feeling that it's like it's out there for me and I want it. Also you were right on my life and all like people wanting this to be a specific way and mme having those kind of expectations which i clearly don't enjoy because my way of looking and wanting things if very different from people around me when especially my family, also you were right on me having some kind of holdbacks because my parents had a terrible relationship growing up and it would be a lie if i say it didn't affected me so you were right on that as well where you picked up on something related to this and how it manifests into my fears as well, and yes expectations also influenced my life a lot. Also whatever you've mentioned in the reading made sense tbh it was very much more influenced with my life currently along with love ofcourse, and whatever you said resonated and helped me too. Like I've actually been told this that I definitely need to heal a lot and all like you said in order to meet my fs so that it can develop into something beautiful and also "transformations and healing" definitely has always came out a huge role in our relationship readings. Also changing perspective was on point to and it definitely made me realise stuff. I really deeply appreciate you doing this reading for me and i must admit your voice is as beautiful as you are and so is your smile like when in the beginning you welcomed me and in the end you said everything with your energy and smile it just made me feel so great!! Also you don't have to worry about the noises at all because there weren't any and I was able to hear everything. Once again thankyou so much to you, i hope you know your work is amazing and i really appreciate it. The tarot cards and decks were just so beautiful and i was happy to hear that they were your favourite as well. Haha. Have an amazing day ahead sending lots of love and kindness. 🫶🏻🤍✨🧿

Thankyou so much it meant like a lot to me!!

Thank you so much for this feedback! I loved doing this reading for you. There was so much positive energy to channel - even when looking at setbacks/interference, it never felt like I could be brought down. There was only optimism to feel 😊

If anyone is interested in a reading, check out my etsy: Numinously Yours. Stay tuned for more free readings and giveaways!

[airasora]

I don' t think I've ever actually mentioned this, but outside of The Hunchback of Notre Dame being my favorite Disney movie, Quasimodo is also one of my favorite Disney heroes. I think he's close to perfection while still having character flaws like any good character (and a real person) has.

To be totally frank, I crushed hard on Quasi as a child and I can see that is still manifested in me as an adult. I know I talk a lot about "bad boy" characters and villains, but truth be told, while I may enjoy them in fiction they couldn't be further from what I find attractive in real life.

I have always been fond of the sweet, genuine, sensitive guy. The animal lover, the kinda shy guy - the total sweetheart who unknowingly makes your heart melt just by him being honest about how much he likes you.

Like, Esmeralda... I love you, but my biggest gripe with you is that you chose basic bitch Phoebus. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Phoebus, he's just a bit plain. They fixed him HARD in the musical though so if you've ever felt that way about Phoebus too, check out the stage musical! I actually loved them together in the musical, and he's way more interesting.

If I were to change something in the animated movie, it would be to remove the gargoyles' "comedic relief" (and keep it vague whether they are real or just in Quasi's imagination - like in the musical) and replace it with Phoebus' backstory - which could take up 1 goddamn minute of screentime, but mean so much and include just one more scene with Esmeralda and Phoebus to make me actually enjoy them.

Anyway, back to Quasimodo and what this post even is.

I've done these types of posts before where I've just taken a character and changed their color palette just to see what they'd look like with different hair, eye and clothes colors. I suddenly got curious how Quasi would look with blonde hair and blue eyes and so this post came to life. I made a blonde version, a Romani version and a brunette version! While I don't hate the brunette version, the blonde and Romani version are definitely more interesting to look at in my humble opinion. Blonde Quasi is adorable and while I've seen many artoworks with Quasi looking more like his mother, it was nice to make a version myself :D I also slightly altered his skin tone for both the blonde and brunette version, just to have some more variety there as well.

I really need to find someone to ship Quasimodo with. The only reason I haven't done a lot of videos with him already is because of his stupid hair xD Someone give the boy some hair product please!

[cherokeegal1975]

Question

I live with abusive people and I'm financially stuck so that's the only reason I stay. The people I live with are definitely not evil or malicious. They don't know or care about how much stress they put me under.

I will be seeking help sometime next week, but I doubt that I'll get any. I am an adult...some might say I'm old enough to have grandchildren, but I've never married. I'm also mostly ace, so even if I could find someone, nothing more than a platonic friendship might come of it. I don't know, I haven't really had the opportunity to explore that part of my nature. I just know I'm not personally as interested in sex as other people are and would literally have to be in love and in a committed relationship before considering getting down with the man. I'm not gay. Point being, I don't see children in my future.

I'm expected to shut up and do as I'm told. Even when that means losing sleep. Being stressed out. Taken advantage of. Most of the housework doesn't get done unless I do it. Even when there's at least one physically capable person that could take over for me.

I went through a particularly bad case of PMS that started to manifest as being tired, irritable...then irritated with the internet, so I took a break.

Keep in mind that I just had to quit a job after one day because my heart could not take the freezer in the warehouse. Then surprise surprise surprise, I got another job as a housekeeper in a care facility. Okay fine. And this is when things really went wrong.

I kept begging my mom not to irritate me because I knew the depression and the irritability was caused by an unusually bad chemical upset. I didn't look forward to my new job, I wanted to hide from it. So I rested as much as I could, took a break from the internet because I still was irritated with it. No harm there, so I let that one happen.

Then my job started. And things really took a turn for the worse. I would have done fine, PMS, period and all, even the minor cramps, though I did go through one day were they were particularly bad. All I needed was enough sleep. My phone told me to go to bed around 8:30 p.m. I thought that was reasonable. My mother on the other hand wouldn't let me go to bed earlier than 10:30 p.m. and blasted the TV as loud as possible, while her asshole husband refused to wear earphones of any kind on his computer. So there was that added noise. I am also expected to keep a very large dog locked up in my room which on most nights, doesn't bother me.

Four days of almost no sleep. Three and four hours a night. Me begging my mom to let me go to bed sooner. Her telling me I'm acting weird and crazy for wanting to make sure I got enough sleep. Calling me a brat and acting years younger than my actual age because that's what she does when she doesn't get her meek servant she wants out of me.

The night before I quit my job, I wasn't permitted to go to bed before eleven at night. I was due to get up at five in the morning. I managed to sleep until one in the morning and then my mom insisted on letting the dog into my room. Then I had to pee. So I did that, managed to get back into bed and then my mom calls and asks me to get puppy pads from the garage and to make coffee. AT ONE IN THE MORNING!!!

I was naturally pissed. But did as asked and went back to bed. Only it was too hot for me and the dog, so she panted all night, paced and needed to be taken out to pee and get a drink-twice for the drink. The second time, Lilly, the cat decided it was a good idea to pee in my closet.

By the time I cleaned everything up and settled the dog down, it was four in the morning and I really wasn't doing well. Three hours of sleep, if that. After a week of stress and sleep deprivation.

This added on to years of crap I've had to deal with that had been placing thoughts of wanting to die in my head and remnants of that must be lingering because even though I can't suicide because I'm incapable of it, I looked at myself this week and thought, if I was really suicidal, I'd end myself today.

I fell apart at my third day of work, not thinking clearly and quit my job. If I was in my right mind I would never have quit. Because I had quit the freezer job, I really wanted to succeed in this one. There was no plan to go there and then quit.

Every time I came home from work I was almost tears because no one had bothered to take out the trash. Clean up the urine in the basement because that stupid dog that shouldn't be here pees there. Could have also cleaned up the bathrooms and put away the dishes. I know it wouldn't have broke him to do that much.

When I finally caught up with my sleep some and my head cleared of intense emotions...I came to conclusion that it was mostly my mother's fault I lost my job and I was really mad at her. I fully acknowledge that no one really made me quit my job, but I was so upset and stressed out that I couldn't think straight and there was no time to sit and pull myself back together on the spot.

I tried to explain this to my mom to point out that it was her fault I quit, explained that yes, I know she didn't force me to lose my job, but what she did at home was a direct cause of my poor decision. That if she had just let me get enough sleep, then I'd be okay enough to keep going back. And eventually I would have found the words, "Next time I have a job, you better let me get enough sleep so I can function."

She screamed at me to just shut up. Refused to listen and both she and her asshole husband wholly blamed me for losing my job. Like neither of them could've been at fault.

Also, it would have been helpful to stow the dog elsewhere besides my room so she could have access to the water dish and my mom's husband could've taken her out instead of me. It's an uneasy thing to be out alone with a crippled dog at nearly four in the morning.

My mother won't listen to that reasonable request. I am constantly shut down whenever I have something serious to say. I'm not even screaming, only speaking firmly. Trying to be reasonable while expressing why I'm so upset.

I almost cried again when they decided together that it was all my fault. I had a bad case of depression caused by my home life, tiredness, and extra bad case PMS and added stress from home and my job! How is all that my fault?!!!

My peer has recommended that I call the crisis center, only it's closed for the weekend. I've calmed down a lot already, but now it feels wrong to be unemployed and I keep thinking I should still have my housekeeping job. The same one I was dreading, but accepted as needed because of the money.

I could have managed one night with half rations of sleep, but only one. If only my mom's husband were more useful in the house. He mostly just eats, sleeps and stays on his computer all day to the point no one will be surprised to see that he had died there.

I also noticed that I'm like the staff here. Very little gets done unless I do it. I get very little help, get yelled at a lot and then called childish or making excuses to get out of my work if I protest. Not trying to get out of my work, wasn't even looking for a way to get out of my new job. My mother just assumes that and won't believe that she's wrong. Or that when I point out to her that all she really wants is a meek and obedient servant and she denies it, means it, but her actions scream otherwise.

There is in fact very little difference between home and that long term care facility I was working at. That made me even angrier. It was like I was working two jobs and was without pay. I often feel like a slave and I have no ground to stand on because I'm dependent on them for survival. I really hate that, it's driving me crazy...and so are they. I'd rather be independent and I'm not handicapped enough to prevent me from working...just a small heart problem and a sensitivity to certain odors. Allergies...that's it.

I've been going to mental health services for about two years and I've talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked....and got nothing for my trouble. Barely any help at all.

My peer recommended Safe Harbor to run away too, but there's a problem with it. I'll have to come back and I'll have to return to the screaming, the demands on my time...I can't go to bed until about 2:30 to almost four in the morning because of them. This isn't my choice. I won't hear the end of it if I leave and then have to come back. So I'm actually afraid to use Safe Harbor's services.

I don't know how I'm supposed to become a successful and independent adult if I can't do what I need to do to maintain myself properly, get to and from a job (because I have no car and never did), and have to live with two mean people that are way too dependent on me to get things done in the house.

I miss drawing. I miss coloring. I haven't had a chance to do any of my drawing projects for the past three years. Mom and Larry have taken up most of my time and energy so I can't have the time I need to draw. So they are taking that from me too. Especially my mother. Not on purpose, but she's doing it all the same.

I'll call the crisis center to see if they can help me, but I doubt it. I've asked and asked for help and got nothing for my efforts except my mother yelling at me to just quit, blaming them for my outbursts that are purely from myself and no one else, threatening to call the police on my peer. Yelling at me, calling my peer my girlfriend or my new mother. Which is hurtful, because even though my mother has become a horrible bitch, I remember there's a good person in there and I still love her. And I know my peer isn't my friend and her job is to come get me and talk. Mom likes to point that out too, as if I can't possibly be aware of that fact.

My step father is an asshole, pure and simple. Not someone I want to know.

Sadly, my mother, who has been my literal hero more than once over the years, has become worse than her husband.

Both are driving me insane. Sometimes I feel like my sanity is slipping away. I don't know how I can cope with their crap and get a job so I can hopefully someday get a small apartment and silence the screaming. I'm so mad at my mother that I keep thinking I'll give her a year's silent treatment once I move out...only I know she wouldn't understand why. She blames everyone and everything except herself. If she breaks me again, it's my fault, not hers. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think, I hate my life and I wish I could do something about it.

[clotpolesonly]

Lean On Me

for @foofsterroonie and the Stiles Shipping Central discord's monthly exchange, the theme for which was Alpha April!! opted for an OT3 option this time, which i don't think i've done before in this event for some reason 😂 | Stiles/Scott/Kira | Gen | 1k | Established Relationship | Alpha Scott | Stiles Gets The Bite | (also on AO3)

.

Stiles stared at the teeth marks in his forearms. Every puncture was distinct. A dentist would kill for this bite print. His dad could probably solve a murder with it—not that Scott had committed any murders, so that probably wasn’t relevant. It also hurt like a bitch, but hey, anything with this much blood and flesh-rending was bound to, right?

The venom hurt too. Its exact composition was a mystery, but Deaton’s alarm when they had dragged Stiles into the clinic and described the creature that had clawed him up had been all the information they’d needed. Whatever it was, it was bad, and even their local guru didn’t have anything to offer them. 

A soft hand on Stiles’ shoulder dragged his eyes away from their hail mary. Kira hosted herself up on the metal exam table beside him, close enough to swap her hand out for her chin and press a kiss to his cheek. 

“Scott will be back in a minute,” she said. "Once he gets Liam’s broken arm sorted out.”

Once he got himself sorted out, Stiles filled in. The look on Scott’s face when he realized that giving Stiles the bite was their best option had not escaped him; they had both known it wasn’t what Stiles wanted. Scott had known that for years, and he had always been wholly in favor of Stiles making the choice for himself.

And, Stiles would argue, he had. The circumstances were not fantastic, and there was definitely an element of coercion in play, but it was not Scott’s coercion. Stiles didn’t want to die, and therefore, he had made the choice to get the bite for himself, but Scott’s guilt had been palpable before the blood was even on his teeth. It was probably for the best that he had let himself be drawn away to tend to his injured beta because otherwise he might have cried on the spot, and that would’ve been awkward while they sat around waiting to see if Stiles survived.

“He can take his time,” Stiles told Kira with faux nonchalance. “I haven’t died yet. If I was gonna reject the bite, I would’ve died by now, right? Spewed black goo all over the place and keeled over? That’s usually a pretty quick process, if memory serv—”

“Maybe try not thinking about death," Kira suggested. "Think living thoughts!”

“Mind over matter?” Stiles said wryly. “Think that works?”

Kira snorted. “God, I hope not. My mind is not a best-case-scenario kind of place. I don’t want to see what it would manifest if given the power.”

Stiles’ laugh was interrupted by a grunt of pain. He pressed his good arm against the bandages around his middle, still contaminated with fucking acid spit or whatever the fuck that thing had secreted into his abdomen. He wasn’t sure what hurt more, the muscle-deep wolf bite or the burning gashes in his stomach. They both fucking sucked.

Kira took his hand gently, carefully not to jostle him and make it worse. “I wish I had the pain drain mojo,” she said with a grimace that made Stiles smile in spite of everything; it was the only thing their resident kitsune envied about the werewolves. “Is it better or worse than before?”

“Hard to tell. You hurt in enough places at once and it all kind of blends together.”

The door flew open before Kira could do more than squeeze his hand in sympathy. Scott was at Stiles’ side in an instant, hands flitting around like he couldn’t decide what he needed to examine first. He had rinsed the blood out of his mouth at some point in the last eight minutes. His eyes, while red-rimmed, were dry.

“Stiles,” he said, a world of care, relief, and worry in that one word alone. “How are you feeling? Has there been any— I mean, is the bite— The venom, is it—”

Stiles pulled his hand from Kira’s to take Scott’s instead. “Deep breath, Scottie. I’m doing fine. So far, at least.”

“No black goo?”

“No goo of any colors,” Kira assured him. 

Scott visibly deflated as the tension left him. The hand in Stiles’ turned to lace their fingers together properly and, with a softly released breath, he let his veins flood black.

Stiles groaned as the burning and the throbbing and the multitude of other pains leached out of him. “Oh, that’s so good, I could kiss you.”

Even with Stiles’ pain in his own veins, Scott smiled. “There’s literally nothing stopping you from doing that,” he reminded him.

Except for Kira’s head still on his shoulder, dislodged when he leaned forward. She pouted about it, but she perked right up when offered a kiss from both of them in apology. Then she shuffled down the table, tugging Stiles gently along with her to make room for Scott to join them. It was a bit of a tight fit for three teenagers, but they didn’t mind.

Stiles, now with his boyfriend on one side and his girlfriend on the other, flexed his hand, watching the muscles of his masticated forearm shift with morbid fascination. “Is it my imagination or does the bite look, like, older than it did before?”

Kira leaned close to examine it, unperturbed by the blood in a way that Stiles still had yet to achieve, at least when the blood was his own. “It definitely does. Does it hurt less?”

“Dude,  I just got pain-drained, I can’t tell.” He turned to Scott. “If this works, you gotta teach me how to do that, first thing.”

Scott put an arm around him, pulled him closed, and pressed a kiss to his temple. “When this works,” he said, “I’m gonna teach you everything.”

That sounded wonderful. Stiles melted into the embrace; the activity and stress of the day was catching up with him. With Scott’s arms around him from one side and Kira’s warmth settled against the other, he let his eyes slip closed.

“Can’t wait.”

[skullhaver]

for athren: lovers, hanged man, death reversed. for adinar: empress, hierophant reversed, hermit reversed

(Athren Dahana) The Lovers: Which of your character’s relationships has been the most positive? (Romantic or otherwise)

Answered in detail here! Short answer: his Trollskull Manor friends <3

The Hanged Man: When has your character needed to step back and look at things from a different perspective?

The obvious answer for Athren is reassessing his narrative about Adinar's "betrayal," in light of learning that his brother was also doing his best to protect their family. 

In general though, Athren gets paralyzed by trying to gather as much information as possible, trying to see problems from every possible angle, etc. (Not that he's especially going at doing that, it's just a manifestation of his anxious temperament lol.) I think he would do well to look more at his life from the different perspective of, "what is the cost of inaction?" or "what is the opportunity cost of taking too long to make a decision?" He's getting better about this.

Death in Reverse: When has your character tried to fight change?

I was re-reading some Dragon Heist session notes recently because I'm an insane person, and I was struck by a line in the transcribed conversation between him and Fel'rekt where Athren basically said, "A reason I'm not more interested in allying with Bregan D'aerthe is because I'm scared for my safety and my family's safety." I forgot just how much this guy Refused The Call of being an adventurer! I think the "small fish in a big pond" vibes of the early acts of Dragon Heist had me roleplaying Athren as extremely cautious and slow to accept that he really could act like a PC and get away with badass shit.

(Adinar Dahana) The Empress: Who has been a positive female figure in your character’s life?

I'm not fully satisfied by how I've conveyed their relationship in the fics I have so far about them, but his House's Weapons Master has had a massive influence on his life. He spent more time with her than his mom 🥲 Adinar might have learned how to fight at Melee-Magthere, but working with her taught him about leadership and decision-making. In contrast to all the powerful women in his life who have used him, their House Weapons Master demonstrated how to exist within healthy power differences along a chain of command, and was an authority figure who always treated him with respect and dignity. (I'm not saying her name here because I have changed her name a dozen times and I might do it again because I'm still not happy with it lol.)

The Hierophant in Reverse: When has your character’s personal beliefs been challenged?

The decision to start working against their House wasn't easy for any of the Dahanas, but Adinar definitely had the hardest time wrestling with it. At the fateful family dinner where Athren first explains that he was approached to act as a spy, Adinar is ready to dismiss the whole coup plan out of hand. He's quite shocked when his parents take Athren seriously. He has to have a bit of a personal reckoning; he has been trying to ignore and excuse the abusive behavior of the nobles he serves for so, so long. He probably could have done so for longer. But it's hearing his parents say, "No, this is unacceptable, if we can do something to end this, we will" that really jolts him into action.

The Hermit in Reverse: When has your character felt the most alone?

Hnnng literally the Raelyn chapter of "Things Without All Remedy." A quote from the draft:

Matron Vandree told him he wouldn't be killed for his family's betrayal, but Adinar wasn't completely sure he was alive right now. He walked down the same House hallways, but nobody looked at him. He wore the same armor, but nobody called him to fight. He took orders from soldiers he'd once commanded. He was a ghost haunting his old life. That was often the look Raelyn Auvryndar had on her face, too, in the moments she thought no one else was looking her way.

[tantyaa]

Being better

-taken from my blog (https://maggiemaysmay.blogspot.com/2024/06/being-better.html)

There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. - Ernest Hemingway

Obviously, I haven't updated this blog in a while. You might ask "Why?" The simple answer is that I have been working on myself. During this time, I have learnt important things and I am still learning things. So here some tips and lessons I've learnt in the span of 3 months.

 #1: Having a journal

This is probably the most common tip and for a good reason. It allows you to properly articulate and rationalize your thoughts and feelings. At first, I was really resistant to having one and just unmotivated to do it. However, change isn't supposed to be easy or comfortable. I've gotten to the point where I can't go on with my day unless I journal. So what do I do? The first thing I do is write an entry from my 30 day manifestation prompts. It basically just asks what I would do in 30 years or what I would do with a million  dollars. It really gets my gears turning and I always look forward to it. As of June 23rd, I am on day 14 out of 30; almost half way there! After I finish that, I write one word of the day and its definition. I don't think it particularly adds to my mental health but it's always cool to learn new words. The next thing I do is list 3 things I'm grateful for. The first two are always about my health and family and the third one is usually based off my day before. Then I make a "To Do" list. It's all nuance and menial things but it gives me a purpose to the day. Nowadays it's usually cook or go out and tan. Extremely menial. The final thing I do is make a list of around 20 affirmations. You might laugh at that but that is not negotiable for me. These affirmations have helped my confidence immensely. I always put that everything is ok and you know what? My life has been so stress free since. I go to bed with a smile and I wake up with one.

#2: Being outside

Vitamin D does wonders!! Not only am I tan and look like I AM GLOWING, I feel like so good! I've been trying to spend as much time outside as I can (when it's not too hot). I usually have lunch at the beach or I go on walks. I've also spent so much time with friends through this, something I am extremely grateful for. The fresh air and the sun always cheers me up. I've become a lot more rational in my thought and quite articulate because instead of moping around my room, I force myself to pack and beach bag and walk my butt to the beach. If the weather is nice, there is no way I am missing that! 

#3: Finding a hobby 

I have been loving cooking recently. It is so much fun and has so many benefits. I am not just eating my own work but I control everything going into my body. I've been cooking a lot of fish and pasta (with veggies and stuff). I gained back the weight I lost and I'm no longer underweight. But the weight gain is all healthy and my skin has been glowing. My skin is clearer and my hair has gotten so much stronger. Plus, my mom loves my cooking and it has been a way for us to bond!

#4: Not caring about what other people need to say

What other people have to say about you is just straight nonsense. It's a perception and that's about it. It is not who you are because guess what! Only you can determine that! I used to care but honestly it did more damage than good. Whenever someone would say something negative about me, I'd start feeling negatively about myself, and that's what I would put out. I've taken back that power and now I put out what I am feeling : Good. I am at peace and I find that everything around me has become peaceful. Someone told me I was a bad person but how would he/she know that? They didn't know me. They didn't try to know me. And they most certainly weren't me. So the answer to that is no, I am not a bad person. I am not a good person either. I am simply a person and what people think of me shouldn't diminish or give fuel to a preexisting bias against me. I have done a lot of good things. If you sat there and upheld I am an objectively bad person, does that mean I will always be ruled by that? Will my years of charity work and support be diminished to nothing because I have done bad things? The answer to all that is still no. You do bad things; everyone does. That is just how life is.

I hope you enjoyed this post. I know it is a short list but these four things have helped me immensely to overcome my fears and get myself out of an extremely long depressive episode. Much love <3

[gardenerian]

in this post https://www.tumblr.com/gardenerian/706641891291217920/mel-i-am-wondering-when-you-think-ian-told-mickey?source=share you said you wanted a reminder to talk about how depressed ian was in s6 !!! I'd love to read it if you wanna sound off about it!!!!

hey there 💓 you sent this days ago and i have had a time with it - thanks for being patient.

i originally wrote this as an episode-by-episode breakdown like my s8 meta, but it stopped making sense and honestly kinda bummed me out asdkfh so instead, i'm gonna talk about a couple of things that are going on for ian in s6. if you wanna talk about any specific episodes or moments, lmk and we can definitely dive in.

i namely want to get into what mania can do to the brain, what recovery looks like, and how depression manifests in the process. i think these things are under-explored in shameless - and talking out some shameless misconceptions is something i've been thinking a lot about lately.

and so, onwards:

standard disclaimer that i am neither a doctor nor an expert, just a sick person who gets sick. i've done some reading and listening, but others can speak to this a lot better than i can. anyone else is welcome to chime in.

i guess we should begin by pointing out how soon s6 picks up after 5x12. it’s been what? weeks? debs is just confirming her pregnancy, so it hasn’t been too long - but long enough for carl to have spent some time in juvie.

so let’s recap on the last year or so of ian’s life:

manic episode -> depressive episode -> manic episode with psychosis -> hospitalization -> attempt at medication -> arrest -> implosion of personal life and break up -> now we’re at a kind of baseline depression

and that’s where we find him in s6. and i think it’s important to understand what ian’s been through in the lead up to this - not just situationally, but what his mind has literally just been through. 

what goes up must come down, yeah? ian spent much of the previous two seasons manic as all get out. his brain has really been through the wringer. studies show that bipolar disorder may cause physical changes to brain over time, and functional abnormalities during episodes. 

there are also studies that argue that bipolar can cause accelerated decrease of grey matter in the brain - which impacts physical coordination and motor skills, memory, and emotional regulation. there are degenerative health effects associated with illnesses like bipolar. untreated bipolar get worse with each each sequential episode.

this is not to say that ian is suffering from these longterm effects a year into his illness, but his brain has really gone through it. there is more to recover from than just the situational consequences. there’s a physical and neurological recovery as well. severe episodes like ian’s (untreated manic episodes can last 3-6 months) estimate about a 12-18 month recovery. 

and there’s a lot involved in this. it’s medication and vitamins, exercise, vitamin d. it’s financial recovery. rebuilding relationships. confidence. a sense of self and purpose. picking up the pieces of what the episode left in its wake. 

but it’s also cognitive recovery. working on memory, executive function, focus, sleep. i think a lot of people look at ian in s6 and think that the depression largely stems from the breakup and the diagnosis - i see a lot of fics that have ian realizing “what he’s done” with mickey after the meds kick in, and that’s what sends him off on this depressive mood we see. 

and of course that’s part of it. regret and shame are awful things to face. and there is a grief that accompanies recovery. you’re mourning your health, your plans, the future you thought you were building. 

and in a lot of ways, you end up mourning the mania itself - the ideas you had, the power you felt. it can feel like nothing will make you truly special or worthy again. and so you get depressed. it’s all over, and what’s left? what now?

the depression also comes from the ways we are all forced to define recovery. when do you get to declare yourself recovered, and what do you have to achieve first? what are the indicators of progress? for ian, i think the depression deepens when it comes to this aspect of the timeline. there’s no such thing as just bouncing back from an episode like that - and it’s so much more intricate than just rebuilding the social and practical aspects of his life. 

routine is good for us but it’s also boring sometimes. recovery is boring sometimes. when you’ve been going and moving and acting - the monotony of healing can be infuriating. i think ian definitely deals with this. when the progress is slow and largely internal, it can seem like we’re just stagnant. it feels awful. ian is lost, even as he heals. 

there are other studies that argue that existing scales and rating systems for bipolar depression can fail to capture the nuances of bp lows. this is because they are skewed towards unipolar depression (or MDD). so when we talk about bipolar depression, it’s important to really understand what we’re saying - we need to take into account the possible polarity changes within a single episode, we need to remember the greater mood variability. 

i think shameless skewed the fandom perception of what bipolar depression looks like. the first lows we see - monica in s2 and ian in s4 - show us catatonic characters completely unable to function. ian just seemingly wakes up that way. they don’t see it coming. 

and that happens. of course it does. other studies suggest that bipolar depressions might be shorter, but they are quicker to onset and have greater frequency than MDD. but that’s not the whole picture - and i think we do ian a disservice by glossing over the nuances of his experience and recovery. 

there are also cognitive troubles associated with depression that can only be compounded by those associated with mania and medication. it’s all of this that makes ian’s s6 story so remarkable. but it’s those s6 episodes that show us how deep it can settle in the bones, how tiring it is to exist, drifting from recovery milestone to recovery milestone - and then, before you know it, you’re blinking awake a little easier. thinking a little clearer. quicker, sharper. with something to fight for. a life to look forward to ❤️

[objectosexual]

This is a very personal story/reflection but I'm feeling very sentimental today and the main story here is something I don't believe I've ever told anyone before

Content warnings: suicide/suicidal ideation, sexual content

So the year is 2011, I am 15 and a half, and it's time for me to learn to drive. I am given my first car: a silvery-beige 2005 Honda Civic. He's got a few scuffs on him, had over 100k miles, and he slightly smells of cigarette smoke but he was free, and he's mine.

Concurrently, I am discovering some things about myself, mainly connecting some dots that "huh, it's a bit weird that I have crushes on car characters a lot"

Fast forward a few years, skipping over the couple years it took me to get my license due to moving across the country, and skipping the (official) onset of my gender dysphoria... It's now 2015. I know I'm objectum now but it's limited to a couple of fictional characters at this point. No biggy. A friend sends me a video of someone playing the game "Stick Shift" and everything about my sexuality finally clicks: I am gay for cars. Like. Very gay.

This spirals into me making a bunch of car OCs and realizing my type is old boxy red sedans. My car isn't one of those, but that's fine. I am still fond of him! Eventually I get a job at a pizza joint delivering pizzas, so we spend a lot of time together. I don't know exactly when it happened but I did fall in love with him. We were as inseparable as a human and car could be, I guess.

On weekends when my parents were out of town, and I could park my car in the garage, I would experiment with him. The very first time I got brave enough to have sex with him, it genuinely felt so right. Every once in a while we would go on little dates and park out in dark parking lots in the middle of nowhere, using the privacy so I could make out with his steering wheel or try (and fail) to rub one out in the driver's seat.

Despite all this though, I was struggling with suicidal ideation, which manifested itself in me just. Not giving a shit about a lot of things, primarily my safety and well being. I was denied HRT treatment in early 2016. My dysphoria was becoming too much to deal with. Every day I went without starting T was a day I was losing (or at least this was my mindset).

This was around the time a majority of Honda models were getting recalled for airbag malfunctions. If memory serves, I got a recall notice for airbags exploding when deployed. I scheduled an appointment for like a month or two out and that was that. In the mean time though, I was still driving like a total jackass.

One night though, I was trying to fly down one of the back roads on the way home. I usually would go 60 here (bad. dangerous. I should not have been doing this), but for some reason, my car was struggling to go above 45 on the hill. This was never an issue before this night, and it was never an issue afterward. I didn't think much on it until we crested the hill, where I could suddenly see a deer running across the road. Instinct kicked in and I hit the brakes a bit, but had I been going any faster prior to that, I absolutely would have hit it, likely causing my airbags to go off. I kinda just drove home, stunned.

I always say I have mixed views/beliefs on animism and POSIC stuff but I do, 100%, believe that my car saved my life that night. Intentional or not, I will truly never know, but I know if he let me go 60 up that hill, I wouldn't be here.

A couple months later I made a plan to kill myself, just by idling two cars in the garage and letting myself fall asleep in my car, but when I went out to the garage to do that, I saw my car's silly little smiling face and was immediately felt so much guilt that I went back into the house. I wound up emailing a doctor about HRT during a mental breakdown that same day and the rest is kinda history.

It's been about 8 years since all that transpired. I've definitely mellowed out. I'm still alive. 2/3rds of my physical transition are done... What sucks is my car didn't get to see all of this with me. I lost him at the end of 2019 after some bad engine misfires/failing gaskets. At the time it made more sense to get a new car. It's been one of my biggest regrets in life, but unfortunately, I can't change what happened in the past.

I've kinda always felt Ehh about my current car: he is sexy as fuck, and I've done things with him a couple of times but it never felt nearly as good. We never seemingly got along. It's weird. Losing him has been... strange. But I do think I will miss him, he was pretty reliable and we did have a close calls with a couple of drivers/objects on road here in California that he was fortunately good enough handling-wise to get us out of.

This all to say: I wouldn't be who I am or where I am if it wasn't for my objectumsexuality toward cars. Like even my NAME was picked out because of how much I love cars. Cars are why I realized I like other objects. It bums me out that the two cars I've had have met untimely ends, and it reminds me how fragile objectum relationships can be.

I miss my beloved 2005 Civic and I guess I miss my 2019 Civic.

Miles (2005 - 2019) and Lawrence (2019 - 2024)

[bookofmirth]

Do you think SJM will keep Az as a dark character or water him down to sad emo boy who just wants love? I think she’s setting him up as probably the darkest non-villain character she has, I’m just not sure she can pull it off. How do you think his darkness will be manifested/explored, personality wise? He’s definitely nearing rock bottom, bonus chapter basically confirmed it. He’s ready to latch onto literally anyone who shows him a bit of interest/affection.

This is a very interesting question, thanks! Since you mentioned him being dark, I mentioned some dark things (self-harm) just for anyone who continues to read.

I think that she will keep him as a dark character (dark for her), and I agree with you that she's setting him up to be one of the darkest non-villain characters she has, as you put it.

I think she will be able to pull it off mainly because imo she pulled it off with Nesta.

IDK if I see people describe Nesta this way very often, and I don't think that Nesta herself is dark so much as she was in a very dark place, but I think Nesta and Az are fairly similar. They aren't great at expressing themselves, they feel guilt for what they perceive as their failures, they don't feel worthy of the things they really want, they feel like the odd person out in their respective families. I think that they recognized their darker thoughts in one another, too. When I say "dark" I mean self-loathing. The way that Nesta beat herself up mentally, I would not be surprised at all if Az has very, very similar thoughts.

I've actually had a headcanon for a long time (since 2017 I think?) that Az self-harms physically. I'm not sure if sjm would go there, but he's ripe for it. Where Nesta ended up getting her emotions out, albeit in sometimes destructive ways, I don't think Az has anything like that - as far as we know.

For Az, I hope we get more exploration of his relationships with the IC and with his family. SJM isn't big on flashbacks, but she has written some banger monologues. To me, Az seems like the kind of person who has a lot brewing inside, he just bites his tongue all the time for various reasons. Maybe he feels like people won't understand, like they'll like/love him less if they know what he's thinking, maybe he feels like a weirdo when he finally does talk about his actual feelings. Point is, I think he has a lot of things that he wants to say because still waters run deep etc. Oh, and I think part of the reason he doesn't say things (e.g., 500 years and he's never tried to tell Mor how he feels past the one time???) is because he's afraid of putting himself out there.

IMO, Az's insecurities and fears stem from his relationship with his family, and so I think that's what he really needs to deal with. Just as Nesta thought a lot about her father and then had a breakdown about him, I could see something similar happening with Az, only instead of Nesta saying "I didn't save him", it would be more like Az saying "I should have killed him so that I could have saved her".

I know that in some circles of the fandom, Az's problem is that he doesn't have romantic love, but he was rejected by his blood family a long, long time ago. That's where his conflict stems from. His dad is a dick and he couldn't help his mom. He ended up with a great found family, but I get the sense that he's been questioning the whole time if he really belongs.

I'm aware that some of this is my headcanons about why he is the way that he is, but some of it we've been handed (e.g., his mom in acofas, being jealous of mating bonds in acosf, his anger at being told not to help in acosf, his blow up at the HL meeting in acowar). It's just that imo, Az has 99 problems and his love life is barely a blip on the radar and is actually indicative of much bigger issues.

If she turns Az into the sad emo boy who just needs the love of a good women I will set my book on fire. Luckily, sjm doesn't seem to be that kind of writer. And while I don't think she would write a male character that way, more importantly, I don't think that she would write a female character into the position of having to be Az's emotional dumping ground.

[casspurrjoybell-17]

Heart’s Choice - Chapter 21

*Warning Adult Content*

- Carlos -

I wake up with a raging headache and the uncomfortable feeling of being hungover without being able to remember why.

Gradually, as I stare at the ceiling, memory comes creeping back and I sit up with a groan.

That's right.

John is a vampire and we can't be together because he'd probably kill me, which sucks... no pun intended... because otherwise he's the perfect guy.

I pause and examine my hangover-addled thoughts.

Is he the perfect guy? I mean, kinda.

He's handsome and kind and he likes dogs.

He's hard-working and honest 'apart from the whole vampire thing' and he wants to help people.

Not to mention he's a God in bed.

Most importantly, the attraction seems to be mutual.

Do I want to be the Bella to his Edward?

Honestly, not really.

But it had felt good to be desired.

It had felt good to get fucked, too and I'd been hoping for a second round.

Now it seems like, after a brief and unexpected downpour, my sex life has returned to the parched, barren desert I'm accustomed to.

Sighing, I rest my elbows on my knees and massage my eyes with the base of my palms.

'Figures the guy I fall in love with wants to eat me. That's just my luck.'

I check my wandering thoughts again and frown.

'Fall in love?'

That can't be right. Lust, sure. Longing, yeah. But love?

I search my feelings, testing them carefully and what I find surprises me.

It's not full-blown yet but it's definitely there and it's growing fast.

Great.

I'm in love with the perfect guy, who gave me the best sex of my life, broke up with me before we even got together and now says we can never be a thing because it would destroy us both.

And despite all that, I'm pretty sure I'd risk my life for one more night with him.

How pathetic is that?

********

True to his word, John accompanies me on my quest to contact Kyle.

I select my garage as the site of our 'seance,' for lack of a better word because it's secure, secluded and a place to which Kyle has already demonstrated a connection.

"So, how's this work?" John asks, as I spread a circle of salt on the cracked concrete floor, having cleared the center of my workspace for the purpose.

"It's not complicated," I say, keeping most of my attention on my work. "I'll enter a trancelike, meditative state and invite Kyle to speak with me. It will be easier for him this way. Instead of having to pull energy from this world in order to manifest, I'll use mine as a bridge to his."

"Is it dangerous?"

I shrug.

"Everything has risks. You can drown in a bathtub or fall off a ladder and break your neck. But done right, with proper precautions, the risks are minimal."

"What do you want me to do?"

Circle complete, I walk around it twice, making sure it's even and unbroken.

"Just watch and listen. You probably won't be able to record anything on your phone, electronics tend not to work properly in situations like this but take notes if it helps. I might say things that make no sense and I won't remember what I've said when I come out of the trance. Also... if I get possessed, you'll have to do the talking, to whoever or whatever, is inside me."

"How will I know if that happens?"

I take a deep breath and tie my hair back with a band.

"Trust me. You'll know. And if for some reason I don't come out of it on my own, just do the banishment ritual like I showed you. It's pretty simple. Alright, let's get this done."

I move towards the circle but John grasps my uninjured arm.

"Wait. Are you sure this is a good idea? You don't have to do this, Carlos."

Surprised, I accidentally look directly at him, something I've been trying not to do since he told me to abandon all hope of another tandem shower, much less anything resembling a relationship.

Doing my best to present a mask of stoic determination and not the face of a frightened man in mourning for his love life, I nod.

"Don't worry. I've done this hundreds of times for my aunt. Just, um, don't let me leave the circle until you're sure I'm me and I've finished the ritual. If you have to, just knock me out."

"Knock you out? Did your aunt ever do that?"

I shrug and fidget a little.

"Maybe once or twice. It's no big deal. Come on. Are we doing this or not?"

Reluctantly, John follows me into the circle.

I sit in a cross-legged position and he sits on the floor facing me.

"I'll restrain you if I have to but I'm not gonna hit you," he says.

"You will if you have to. Believe me, you'll know and you'll barely recognize me, anyway. In fact, just try to remember that you are hitting me, if that happens. Aunt Toni..." I trail off and clear my throat.

"Aunt Toni would forget sometimes."

He sighs unhappily.

"Carlos, I know it might not seem like it because it's how you were brought up but forcing you to do something that frightened and could potentially harm you and then adding violence to the mix... It sounds an awful lot like abuse."

I shake my head.

"Maybe it fits the definition but I never felt unsafe with Toni. As a kid, at least. She was always super careful and never made me do anything dangerous. It was only as I got older and she started getting obsessed with tracking down the last demon that possessed my mom, that she started... taking a different approach."

Unconsciously, I rub the left side of my chest.

John notices and frowns.

"I've seen your burns," he says, his eyes fixed on the spot where, beneath my clothes, three parallel scars mar my skin.

They match the size and shape of the hot iron that made them.

"Did Toni do that, too?"

I look away.

"Let's just concentrate on Kyle. We can talk about me and my trauma later."

He frowns but nods.

"Fine. So, what now?"

"Just... be quiet and pay attention," I say, and shut my eyes.

I take a deep breath of the cool, oil-scented air and a sense of calm washes over me.

I always loved working in the garage, bringing my aunt tools when I was barely old enough to walk, helping her fix all the cool cars and trucks.

It was a little kid's dream.

After my mom disappeared and Toni asked me to help her with her other work, I was thrilled.

Of course, I also got possessed all the time, didn't attend regular school, had no friends and didn't even have the internet to distract me because Toni didn't want the electrical energy interfering with her 'work.'

So, did Toni abuse the power she had over me?

Probably.

Did she mean to hurt me?

No... of that, I was sure.

Now she's missing and while I might not owe her love and respect for the way she raised me, I owe her my best effort to find her and to use the skills she taught me to figure out what, if anything, this case has to do with our family and to stop whoever's trying to complete the Ritual of Feasts.

Focusing my mind, I slow my breathing until I'm taking no more than two breaths a minute.

Then, once my mind is still as a pond reflecting a perfect image of a clear sky, I invite Kyle for a chat.