#and it was doing so well recently. perfect ringlets and curls up to the roots. wahh

[nametakensff]

The absolute defeat of scraping my curls back in a tight bun because they refuse to stop defying gravity

[tamiddyinyourcity]

6:35pm.

Finally have the stamina to type.

Tuesday, May 12th of 2020.

Life updates:

Feel bad for saying what I said to Cam. (And accidentally removed him from my followers. Oops! Eh, oh well.) A nice guy, but me really loathing getting my hopes up and then kinda dropped with no explanation over something stupid + him doing exactly that = yikes overall.

I accidentally tore paint off the wall tje other night. Imagine spending 3 hours detangling TONS and TONS of necklaces, and hanging them all neatly, color coordinated and organized on a scale from "butch/hippie noise music party" to "feminine/a fancy date", and lining them aaaaall against my walls next to my string lights.... just for ONE OF THEM TO CRASH DOWN ALL MY BRACELETS AND RINGS IN THE UNREACHABLE CREVICE BETWEEN MY BED AND THE WALL.

"It's no big deal, I should probably take these down and gently set them still organized in a box anyway. I can find a safer way to secure them anyway."

I take down two of the racks easily, the next two are simple.... aaaaand the third fucking rips bare paint and wood right off the wall.

The SAME "no cracks, no mess" """grip""" tape that made a rack fall twice???? as if it was scotch tape??? can suddenly rip off fucking plaster and wood from a fucking wall????

I literally got in the worlds worst mood after that. I keep forgetting that I am almost 20, so it's not like my mom is gonna bring out the belt or whatever, but yknow, I didn't want to get chewed out or thrown out of the house either.

Luckily, she treated it as if I said "oh oops, spilled a little water on the countertop as I was pouring it", and not "accidentally ripped a hunk of plaster out the fucking building". So, yay.

Been in a thick depression lately. Hard to get out of bed, focus, or look forward to anything. It's understandable. Insane loneliness, the awkwardness of having a good 1st date just to have a TERRIBLE unexplainably bad 2nd date, taking extremely long showers or washing my hair just to still sweat overnight or get frizzy crunchy hair just a day or two later.... Fuck, man.

Alright, now time for the GOOD positive things happening in my life currently:

Going natural for the time being. Holy SHIT, my roots feel good. Real good. The texture is sexy as fuckkkkk. Lord, my hair is so sexy that it could start an onlyfans. Thank god I'm born black. I get to feel my own scalp all fucking daaaay. The tiny coils and ringlets, the way they zigzag, curl, and twist around my fingers???? Worlds softest bush ever. I love my hair so damn much, god bless finally being the age where I can do it my own damn self. Whew, yes.

My mom surprised me with a trip to the beauty supply today. I got lip glosses, aaaaaaall and almost EVERY single product I wanted to use for myself, (aloe, grapeseed oil, that smellgood hair leave in conditioner i wanted for monthssssss,) and more. Soooo lovely. I can now not worry too hard about what works for my hair, and just indulge in the products that made things look perfect and grow ridiculously long and healthy in my junior year. (Before my hoe ass sister ripped out chunks of my hair when "practicing braids on me", with her stupid 3A hair texture ass not knowing shit about transition styles... fucking gosh, it's really hard not to use the w-word with full intent as I write this. She's just a bitch, you know? But anyways....)

Also, my sister and her girlfriend broke up recently. That's sad to me. I really thought her GF was great. Buuuut lo and behold, a cheater.... how disgusting. (It also makes me think about my ex again, which isn't cool... I've been having lots of unhealthy thoughts or extreme bouts of sadness these days over it. Really not a fan... at all.)

But back to the positive! :)

Stocked up on sweets at CVS recently. After the way I got cabin fever + bitterness over a lack of sugar these days.... Yeesh, not letting that happen again.... The bliss of eating Nutter Butters is dope as fuck. Especially after so long.... is sex gonna be good or worse after a quarantine? Whoever comes next better be dope as fuck, since I'm damn near a virgin again after this.

Glad to not be working with Eli anymore. I shall miss the fat stacks of cash to splurge on whatever I pleased, but, not the very creepy older guy that I felt really grossed out being around. (Mainly just the way he smelled, and talked, acted.... maybe a lot.) But he can't control some of what he does. The shit he could control still was annoying, so he deserves better. A real caretaker, and not just his old 'girlfriend', so...

My mom is bonding with me more lately. Moreso just gossiping about how my grandmother is a fake ass bitch and a pathological liar. (My mother keeps trying to say she's just 'naive', but i mean, shes only trying to downplay her own mother's antics in the hopes that I will never get too comfortable checking HER for her shit too....)

Apparently the "dog bite scar" on my grandma's arm, actually came from her hopping a barbed wire fence as she was trying to get away from my enraged granddad, who she stole money from... yikes.

And apparently the narrative wasnt "my grandma was a veteran and a nurse", it was "she helped in the reserves for a few months but has never had a job in her fucking life that lasted past a single week."

And the narrative wasnt "my grandmother hated my granddad, since she got with him since he was rich off selling drugs, but ended with him quitting work and expecting her to be the sole family provider on a whim", it was "my granddad was from a well off family, my grandma was with him but decided to get hooked on drugs nonstop and always steal shit, and got him roped into terrible situations for my mom, her siblings, and him at any given moment". (No offense, but why hasn't my mom pushed my grandmother down the stairs yet? I mean? Why not? You'd spare the world of her dumbass shit.)

And I also found out the context for the sole time in my life my older brother ever had wanted someone dead. (I guess its shocking to learn a sibling has wished death on someone else, but yet somehow surprising to know that it only happened ONCE, im still shocked other people do not often have hyperviolent thoughts very often?????? Damn, what a life to live.)

7:16pm.

I am okay.

Still loathe my ex.

When you date a guy, despite knowing inside yourself that hes a major asshole and naive, a people pleaser to an idiotic or even counterproductive extent, and a total asshole, (yes, i repeated this....)

And then things go shockingly great, to the point where you're at his house and in his arms at night, looking at him, and internally in peril at not knowing what could come out of the blue and hurt a relationship as well as this had gone.....

And it finally happens!

Then, it resolves. Goes back to peace. Christmas Dinner vibing, breakfast dates, great sex. With time, one can forget the bad ever happened.

Until lo and behold, it was definitely too damn soon and he does MANY things out of cowardice and overall shitty explanations.

Things get VERY TERRIBLE.

VERY AWKWARD.

VERY FAST.

A pause happens.

Then terribleness again.

And despite you thinking it should all end.... Oh, look. *He* tells you that he still wants to keep seeing you. *He* reaffirms wanting you apart of his life. *He* makes that move.

You try.

Slow and steady, bumps here and there. But the ice fades, and it goes from short talks in public spaces to longer hangouts on the beach or painting at the library and listening to music.

And somehow, sex. (Not gonna lie, I should've made him pay for my burrito the day we smashed. But the sex was still nice enough, so at least it cured me of the 'my gorrila grip pussy will swallow itself whole unless i have an orgasm soon' dilemma for the present time being.)

And things felt really good.

Until they didn't.

Then, you feel the soreness again. The emptiness behind texts, distance in talks, and how oh look, the 'chase' is gone, and so he is no longer as interested in the tabooness of fucking his mildly nuts ex girlfriend now that hes had the experience once before.

You leave when you realize he's never gonna stop switching between wanting you and dissing you. He sends that stupid text. Gaslighting, and more lies. The shit that made you react so badly when you first left.

Fuck.

......

I really just hate that he did all of that.

ALL of it. The bar was so low. Oh my god. So fucking low. So incredibly low. And maybe I'm just still sad about it, since it was repeatedly him coming back and making me feel like I actually mattered in the life of someone fucking else in a way that I felt actually loved or something.

And now what do I have?

.....

Cool, my face is salty from the tears.

Uh, yeah. Just.... fuck. I bonded really great with him, and worry that I can't find that in someone else.

And he's most likely not worried about the same thing. (Since he's a freaking dumbass, and doesn't acknowledge a good thing when he has one. He's a defeatist loser with no strong sense of reliability, two lame ass friends who he deadass lied to for months and hid me from since he knows they're judgmental as fuck, and hes a sad sack fucking loser. Oh my god, girl, his closest female best friend preferred to online stalk your blog for MONTHS despite you two breaking up, just to mock him, and you. It's pathetic! He's pathetic! Normal relationships would never have this problem. Gosh darn heck.)

I deserve the best.

Best dates, best communication, best talks.

7:37pm.

Gonna shower and buy a wig.

I found a sexy ass wig earlier. Long, flowy and brown like my hair, but with caramel highlights.

Hell yeah bitch, sex appeal so strong that I can get giddy off of just a selfie alone is good.

Also! My ass has gotten bigger! Aye aye aye. Bars. Like, no, im not even kidding. I have upgraded from Taylor Swift/Ciara level skinniness, to like.... young Beyoncé/mild Normani level thickness. A quarantine full of steak, chicken, beans, kale, and brown rice does that to a girl yknow?

(Eli cash + free Chipotle delivery for all the lifestyle bowls I want + watching Megan Thee Stallion videos + Trina while dancing in my room = damn, where she get all that ass from????)

I miiiiiss getting money. I blow money too easily, in the house or out. I literally spent a huge fuckton of cash at the Beauty Supply.... and CVS.... just cause I knew I had it on me.

Same for me buying sparkly almond oil and whatnot.

Buuut money is money, and happiness comes and goes. So why not use money that otherwise I don't plan to spend, on what I want or would like?

Gonna be out here with grapeseed oil and sweet almond oil, glittery and Froot Loops scented, sexy as hell. (I mixed up the smell of Apple Jacks and Froot Loops, but, aye either way it's good...)

My ass is fat, tiddies sitting, and I have a nice, clean, lavender, vanilla, and coconut scented bed with satin sheets....

I have makeup, shea butter so powerful that the scars on the back of my hand from 2019 have faded away almost entirely, rose water and aloe body wash, lemon scented body wash that makes me smell like a sexy Lemon Starburst, like....

I have my own bedroom, after YEARS of peril. I can sleep. I can sleep whenever I want, for however long I desire. I have finally trusted my bedroom enough to have all the lights turned off again.

I have a jewellery rack of all of my prized jewels and possessions! A cork board with beautiful paper pinned to it, soon to be full of ideas! I found my drawing tablet, my camera equipment, so much more.

I am finding peace and beautiful things in my life that I didn't have before.

Tell me, why be unhappy? I am happy as hell and GRATEFUL for my situation right now.

God bless and amen.

7:54pm. I love myself.

Peace yalls.

[rachelvalente]

15 Beauty Buys I’m Loving Now

Along with several other personal objectives I set for myself at the beginning of the year, I also made some beauty-related goals – I know that sounds strange, but hear me out!  I feel like I was getting pretty lazy with my skincare and haircare routines towards the last half of the year.  Some of that just meant that I got stuck in a rut of always doing/using the same things and, honestly, a lot of it was just a function of my schedule being too busy.

So I’ve resolved to take better care of the tools I have, purchase new items for those that need to be replaced and find new products that will best serve my particular beauty needs.  As part of my mission, I’ve been buying & testing quite a few things and wanted to share the best of the best with you today!

Makeup Brush Shampoo This is one area where I am committed to making a change – it’s slightly embarrassing how infrequently I was washing my brushes and, once I started doing it more regularly, I immediately noticed a difference in how much better my brushes perform.  This cleanser is by far my favorite – it gets my brushes looking brand new & the formula doesn’t irritate my sensitive skin (plus, it’s super-affordable!).

Makeup Remover Cloth I’m not a big fan of cleansing wipes because my skin never feels that great after using them – and, did you know, wipes are the third most wasteful product in the world?  This reusable cloth is the perfect solution because it removes even the most stubborn makeup with just warm water (waterproof mascara included!) and you can toss it in the wash afterwards.  More colors & sizes available here.

Detangling Hair Brush To be fair, I originally purchased this for my daughter because she has such a hard time getting the tangles out of her coarse, wavy hair.  But, when we were in Oregon over Christmas break, I realized I forgot to pack my brush, so I borrowed hers and didn’t want to give it back!  I was amazed by how well this worked – it detangled my wet hair without pulling and, when I used it on my dry strands, I felt like it created less static than the brush I was previously using.

Air Drying Hair Balm At my last hair appointment, my stylist mentioned that I had a lot of breakage & she suggested that I try to minimize using hot tools as much as possible.  So, I’ve been trying to let my hair air dry & embrace my natural waves whenever I can.  This leave-in creme has been a lifesaver in helping me achieve defined curls without the frizz.  I rub it through my strands and then take 1-inch sections of hair & wrap them around my finger, creating a ringlet.  Once my hair is completely dry, I separate the curls & finish with this texturizing spray.

Satin Pillowcase My husband bought me a this silk pillowcase a couple of years ago and I’ve been a huge fan ever since.  Even though it’s amazing for your hair & skin, it is quite pricey, so I was happy to find this more affordable option.  I actually might even like this one better because the material isn’t quite as thin (also, with it being satin, it’s a vegan-friendly alternative to silk).

Fask Mask Applicator I will never apply a face mask with my fingers again!  This handy tool has a flexible silicone applicator that is perfect for masks, body butters & hair removal creams.  I feel like less product goes to waste because I’m not getting it all over my hands and then having to rinse off – plus, they’re much easier to clean than a brush!

Firming Eye Patches There’s nothing worse than eye patches that slowly slide down your face after you’ve applied them.  These are hands-down the best drugstore eye patches I’ve tried – not only do they actually stay put, but the paraben-free formula is super-hydrating & was gentle enough for my sensitive skin.  I keep mine in the fridge for an instant cooling & de-puffing effect.

Dry Conditioner This is one of those products I didn’t think I needed until I started using it & realized what a HUGE difference it makes.  When I’m trying to extend the time between washing my hair, I often use dry shampoo, but the problem I have (particularly in the winter) is that the ends of my hair look dry & straw-like.  So I started applying my favorite dry shampoo at my roots to absorb any excess oil and then spraying this dry conditioner from mid-shaft to my ends.  I’ve found it to be the perfect combination to keep my hair looking fresh while still feeling soft & looking healthy.

Facial Dermaroller If you’re not familiar with dermarolling, it’s basically a form of micro-needling, where this roller tool creates tiny pricks in your skin to activate your body’s healing response and stimulate collagen.  I’ve been doing this for the last 2 years and have seen such great results.  However, my tool was needing to be replaced so I picked up this one on a recent Target run.  If you’re new to this technique, make sure you wash your face before using & soak your roller in an alcohol-based soak once a week.

Anti-Aging Night Cream I received a sample of this in the mail a couple weeks ago and have been testing it out ever since.  I really love the thick, velvety texture and I’ve noticed my skin is much softer & more dewy since I’ve been using it – which is really saying something because normally I’m so dry & flaky this time of year!  Needless to say, I’ll be buying another jar once my sample runs out.  I’ve been applying this cream after my dermarolling process at night, which really helps the formula sink into the skin deeply for maximum benefit.

Plant-Based Nail Polish As soon as I heard about this new vegan, 16-free polish, I quickly jumped online to order some & I used the in-store pickup option so I could test them out immediately.  I painted my nails on Saturday and I’m happy to report that they still look just as fresh with no chips 5 days later!  The colors I bought: Raw Cocoa, Pink Cardamom & Pomegranate Punch.  I haven’t tried them yet, but there’s also a nail strengthener & top coat in this line too.

Cuticle Balm As most of you know, I can be a little perfectionistic when it comes to my nails – I’m pretty obsessive about keeping them filed & painted and I always carry a little nail kit with me (which includes a file, nail glue, clear polish & cuticle oil).  When I was traveling last month, the cap to my oil came loose and went all over my carry-on bag, which was a nightmare to clean up.  Thankfully, I found this replacement for on-the-go cuticle care, which is much less messy but just as effective.

Leakproof Clear Pouch After the aforementioned airport fiasco with my bag, I decided it was time to invest in a few more clear pouches for storing things in when I travel.  This bag is TSA-approved & has an airtight seal so you can use it for snacks, toiletries or beauty products.  It’s also easy to clean so you can reuse it over and over again – no more spills for me!

Undereye Corrector If you’re like me, the battle to cover your dark circles seems never-ending.  I’ve been using the same concealer for the last few years and, all of a sudden (thanks to my aging skin), it just isn’t cutting it anymore.  I bought this concealer to try after a beauty blogger I follow shared it in a tutorial and I’m really loving it.  I use the shade Blue Corrector 1, which helps to neutralize & color correct my undereye area and then I set it with my favorite brightening powder.  It’s not cheap, but I’m willing to pay just about anything to look less tired each day!  Note: it has a slightly less creamy consistency than liquid concealers, so be sure to use eye cream first before applying.

Coconut Gel Sheet Mask Part of my new skincare routine that I’ve begun this year is to do a mask every Sunday.  I stocked up on a bunch during the Sephora VIB Sale that happened at the beginning of December.  I’ve been rotating through a few different ones based on what I feel my skin needs, but I keep going back to this one because it’s so hydrating (there’s also a brightening version here that I’m anxious to try).  Other honorable mentions include this pore-minimizing mask and this dewy skin mask.

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