#and it wouldn't be hard at all to make. the smallest of adjustments

[moo-blogging]

Hi!

Can you please do a smut where Levi comes home after days out on a mission and he comes home desperate for y/n.

All needy and horny for her and just that "I missed you sex " thingie.

Thanks !

Levi was trying his very best not to run back home to you. He had spent almost a week out beyond the walls for another mission, and he was worn out. But his body was burning for you.

Levi locked the front door behind him as soon as he stepped into the house. He pulled the curtains as he called to you. You grinned as you heard your husband calling your name and rushed out to meet him.

You welcomed him home with a deep kiss on his lips. His arms wrapped around you immediately and yours around him. His palms explored your body as if it was the very first time he touched you, hungrily and greedily. You knew what was coming as his hand slipped beneath your dress. You moaned into his lips.

His finger hooked your panties, pulling it to the side. You felt the cool air brushing your opening. Still attacking your lips, Levi pushed you against the wall. You unbuckled his belt, feeling the bulge between his legs. His cock sprung up as you pulled down his pants.

Levi pulled away for a moment, you both panting for air as your eyes locked. Your hair wild and your face blushing. Levi's face was a mess of different emotions, "God, I missed you so much Y/n." He pressrd his face into yours again, kissing you deeply.

With his arm hooking your left knee up, he pushed himself into you. The sudden force lifted you from the floor, pinning you onto the wall. You groaned in pain and pleasure, digging your fingers into Levi's hardened arms. After a few thrusts, the initial pleasure rush left Levi's brain. He gently lifted you down and moved slower and deeper into you.

You squeezed your walls with every push, feeling his member cutting through your wet wall, rubbing heat and pleasure into your nerves. Levi knew how to make you feel good. He adjusted his position and slammed into your sweet spot slightly to the side. Your toes curled, your brain went blank and you cummed. Your hips spamsed. Involuntary moans came out like whimpers from your lips. Levi sucked at your neck, breathing warm air onto your skin.

He moved slow and deep, making sure you cummed fully. "You're so wet, baby..." you felt tiny stings on your neck as Levi left a trails of hickeys on your skin. He slammed into you suddenly, making your legs shake with uncontrollable pleasure. Your hips involuntarily moved on its own to fuck Levi's penis but Levi remained deep inside of you, only more pleasure created even with the smallest friction.

You tilted your head back, breathing hard to slow your heartbeat. Levi hooked his other arm beneath your right knee and lifted you completely off the floor. You knew you wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow, but your hole was begging to be fucked endlessly.

"Kiss," Levi asked for your lips. You swallowed a mouthful of saliva and lowered your chin, catching Levi's opened mouth with yours. Levi attacked your tongue with his. You could taste the alkaline in his saliva. Your brows frown in soreness and pleasure, enjoying yourself as Levi fucked you agaisnt the wall.

Your forehead dotted with beads of sweat while your lips area sticky with saliva. Your bodies warm with sweat and your hole red and sensitive to every little movement. But Levi's movement below was rough and fast, deep and strong. You couldn't tell whay liquid was stained and dripped onto your thighs.

The noise of moans from you, groans from Levi, and wet slamming of bodies echoed in the room. Your fingers in Levi's hair, grabbing harder with every thrust. Levi was turned on with your hands in his hair. He repositioned himself, bending his knees lower and pinning you firm agaisnt the wall, Levi fucked you fast and hard. You threw your head back, whimpering in pleasure. You tried to squeeze your walls to stop this over-the-limit pleasure. You felt like your head would explode in any second. But Levi's penis cut through your walls so fast, so strong your walls were hot and numb with electrifying pleasure. Your eyes rolled back, hips spamsed but held firmly onto the wall.

You cummed and so did Levi. Levi's hips spasmed as he cummed. He pushed himself deep into you, ensuring his seeds wouldn't fall onto the floor. After a few seconds stationary agaisnt the wall, Levi lifted his head from your chest and kissed your salty skin lovingly.

Pulling you sore body up, you collapsed into Levi's chest, holding onto him and he carried you into the bathroom.

You really loved this kind of welcome home ceremony.

[heartfullofleeches]

Ok, but can we talk about Erin with a darling who's just sweet as pie to him? Just, every threat or insult is met with kind words and love and our boi is conflicted. On one hand, he knows they love him, on the other, please just fucking step on him he's this close to begging for it

Imagine him opening up to them and off-handedly making a self-deprecating joke when he hears a snap. The pencil in his darling's hand is crushed and the hand that once held it is now wrapped around his throat "If I hear any more of that talk about my wonderful boyfriend I might just have to beat some sense into you"

is this anything? Fuck if I know, but it was in my head and now it's in yours!

[Male Yan Bully + G.N Reader] (warnings: choking, masochism)

Erin knew he wasn't the greatest guy around.

Petty theft, belittling and fighting with his peers, and his tendency to fly off the handle for the smallest issue already gave him a poor rep with locals. Things only got worse when you came into the picture. Everything about you was the polar opposite to himself. When he insulted you upon first meeting you asked if he was feeling well. When he finally came to accept his feelings and told you the two of you were dating without any previous attempts to win you over, you just smiled and asked him where to meet him for lunch.

Threats towards yourself and others where brushed off with a laugh. They toned down once you began dating, but Erin couldn't help but press you at times out of sheer confusion that you actually seemed to be enjoying time spent with him. It's not let you had many others with him harassing anyone who gets too close, but you never complained- even liking the silence. You patched him up after every scuffle and didn't ask how the began or ended. He doesn't understand you at all, but finds it hard to function without you. He can't wrap his head around it.

"Why do you like me?"

Heart printed bandage in hand, your passive expression scrunches with worry over your boyfriend's words. You place it over his blistered knuckles. "What are you going about now, Rin? I don't just like you and you know that."

Erin chews his lips, shying away from your concerned scare. "Yea, I know, but it just makes even less since if you ask me. It's pretty common knowledge that I'm not exactly a model citizen. For Christ's sake I've been hard on you before and still am. I can't control these things about me and when I see you around other people I just.... You're probably better off with someone else.

"Soooo.. what I'm hearing is you're saying I'm not good at choosing partners?"

"Ugh- this isn't about you, Y/n. I'm trying to be serious for once. Hrk!- "

Spit and a choked string of obscenities fall from Erin's lips as a hand clasps firm around his throat. Your nails stab his beating flesh as his pulse increases. He struggles for a word, but is unable to form his lips to speak as he gasps

"Oh yes it is. If my boyfriend is doubting his position I'm obviously not doing something right. I thought loved me too Rin."

His eyes shoot to the protruding veins of your wrist as your fingers lock in place, pressing down on his trachea. He blinks away tears - broken by you even thinking you're part of the problem. You snap your fingers to regain his fleeting attention.

"Hey!- Eyes up here. It's true you could use some temper adjustments, and you think with your fist but you have a good head on your shoulders and such a big heart. I've seen it when you knocked on every door in my neighborhood because I was out sick and you forgot my address. I've felt it everytime you've kissed and held me. You're my boyfriend, Rinny. Don't make me knock some sense into you - got it?"

Erin dips his head to signal a nod. He longs to take your words to heart, but it's easier said than done with you fulfilling a fantasy he wouldn't confess to even on his death bed. He dreamt about what it would be like to have such caring hands be the cause of his destruction. He couldn't pry himself out of your grip even if he wanted to. It was better than anything this fucked mind could make up.

"Rinny~ I need words. You're gonna make me cry if you keep bullying me like this."

His heart jumps at the playful nickname. " 'm yours....promise... all yours."

Your smile returns - pressed to his cheek as you kiss his skin. "Good. Now that that's over, want some help with that?"

Erin holds his knees together, pulling his jacket over his crotch. "Shut it."

[lunallaa]

||when the cat distribution system strikes||

gotham knights!jason todd x gn!reader

{Not edited/proof read please excuse any errors♡}

Ever since the two of you started dating, your favorite view and time of day consisted of the quite moments you and Jason shared when the city was asleep and everything for once was at peace. Now, you weren't a fan of being woken up in the middle of the night, but you found it hard to remain upset when you could look over at the other side of the bed and see your boyfriend finally have the moments of peace that he deserves for all that he does for the people of Gotham. Recently though, that view of yours got an upgrade. Tonight you had been torn out of your sleep by a slightly unpleasant dream and as you turned over to adjust yourself for sleep again you were met with the sweetest sight. There of course was your boyfriend peacefully dosing away, but with the newest adition of a small little void of a kitten just as peacefully sleeping on his chest. That tiny little thing was an unexpected new member of the little family the two of you had made and you wouldn't change a thing,even if the kitten still remained unnamed after being home for about a month now. You'll probably have to change that soon.

You remember when that furry little angel entered your lives like it was yesterday. You had gone out to the Bodega around the corner from your apartment to grab a few of their home-made pastelillos* for dinner because Jason was home for the night nursing a sprained ankle and craving one of his favorite meals. You remember being in a rush that evening due to the forecast of rain that was supposed to roll in at any moment, and due to that you were meant to be in and out and home within just a handful of minutes. Instead, on your way back home you were stopped dead in your tracks by the most pathetic little meow you have ever heard. Your goal of getting home as soon as possible was abandoned as you made your way to the tattered cardboard box sitting just at the entrance of the alleyway you almost walked past. Strays and pets that simply found themselves outside were no strangers to the neighborhood, not so much abandoned animals, which seemed to be the case as you get Closer to the tattered and damp box. Once you got close enough to get a peek inside you were able to see there in the shadow of the box the smallest kitten you have ever seen in your life. You had wondered to yourself if the poor thing was runt that had been left out here due to the fact you saw no evidence of any littermates or a mom. By then it had started to lightly rain, and you wasted no time in removing the hoodie you wore then gently picking and wrapping up the damp little creature as it cried out at the sudden change of environment.

Anytime you take a little more time than usual on an errand than planned, Jason can't help himself from becoming worried. It also doesn't help his worry when you don't answer you phone when he sends a few texts trying to see what was possibly making you late when it should've only taken you around twenty minutes. After hearing your voicemail message for the fourth time he was almost ready to (hesitantly) call one of his siblings to go look for where you could've gone, not only could you be in some kind of danger but the rain was starting to worry him. He was halfway off the couch when your soaking form finally came through the door. You barely gave him time to sigh in relief, let alone welcome you home and ask what happened as you hurriedly dropped the bag of food into his lap before quickly making your way into the bathroom. That worried him. In the last few years of you dating, you never came home and did not speak to him immediately, let alone rush past him like that. He thought he was worried before, but now he is concerned and almost scared of what's happening that he doesn't know about. Jason carefully got up from the couch and made his way to the kitchen to put your dinner into the microwave to keep warm before he made his way into the restroom to see what you could possibly be up to. The last thing he expected to see was you cradling a small soaking wet ball of black fur while stressfully searching the internet on your phone. While he had already began connecting the dots on what was happening, it wasn't until he had hobbled his way to your side and the furball meowing at him that he was fully aware of what was going on.

“Babe? Everything okay?”

“Oh! Jason! I was on my way back home but then I found this poor thing and I couldn't bring myself to leave it there I had to take it home. I'm so sorry.”

“Baby, no need to apologize. I'm Just glad you're home safe. Now, let me take over you need to go dry off and get warm.”

That night you and Jason had done what you could with your limited supply to bathe and care for the kitten before agreeing that you two would make the trip to the vet clinic in the morning to make sure it had a clean bill of health. You two had also immediately decided that you'd adopt the kitten due to how attached you had become and that Jason has no ability to say no to you when it comes to Stuff like this.

Life with a kitten was certainly new, it felt almost like the next big step in the commitment of your relationship. Thankfully the kitten was perfectly healthy, and your theory of it being a runt that was undesired was spot on. You had also found out that the kitten was a little girl and she fell in love with the two of you. She would constantly follow you around the apartment and was never more than a few feet from your side, if there was a moment where she wasn't with you it was because she discovered that Jason was her favorite playmate and her favorite pillow. You couldn't blame her, with his higher than normal body heat and big soft muscles he was your favorite pillow too. It had slightly worried you at first that a kitten was too big of a change and commitment for the two of you to make so suddenly, but that sweet little furball made you quickly realize that you and Jason were in the perfect spot in your relationship to handle just that.

Now as you lay in bed looking at the two loves of your life, you reflect on that rainy evening and feel so greatful for the universe putting this sweet little thing in your path. You also realize that it's almost been a month and your kitten needs a name.

"Jason. Hey.” He's awake immediatley.

"Yeah? What's wrong baby? What's happening?”

"We need to name her.” Jason relaxes now that he knows there's no danger, just his sweet girl and her late night thoughts.

"Yeah? What do you Suggest?” There's a pause as you think about your answer.

“Hmmm. What about…Midna?”A soft laugh escapes him as he recognizes the name. He wouldn't expect any less than for you to chose the name of your favorite character from one of you favorite video games.

“Hmmm nerd. Now go to sleep.”

"Okay goodnight, love you.”

“Goodnight, love you too beautiful.”

"I was talking to Midna.”

At that he softly moves and deposits the sleeping kitten onto the pillows above your heads before moving himself to softly smother you in his arms for the rest of night. Sleep comes back easily when your little family is all together in this little pocket of peace.

This blurb takes place in the same little universe as my last blurb :)

Read it here!

pastelillos*- basically Puerto Rican empanadas (I have a personal hc that Jason is mixed and half Puerto Rican♡)

Also if you recognize the name I picked for their kitten I love you♡

[merajsblog]

୨♡୧

"this is where the boy's locker room is!" you state, spinning on your heel.

"thank you for showing us here." states the tall one with black spikey hair. he's smirking down at you, and you can't tell if this is flirty or not.

"i can show you guys back to the gym after you finish." you state. standing to the side. a few minutes later, one with half blonde hair walks out, he looks like he does NOT want to be here at all. he turns and looks at you for a second before immediately looking away.

"so are you a manager for the boys team?" a shaved head boy asked.

"oh no im not! i am actually on the girls team, but my friend needed me to fill in for the other manager since she isn't here right now." you state with a smile. ooo's can be heard, with additional questions like what position you are, and a whisper about how cute the uniform is for girls at the school. swiftly, you lead them back. as you enter the gym, akaashis eyes are already on you, unwavering. you look away, glancing to the opposite side of the net.

"you guys can warm up on this side of the net!" you state warmly.

"thanks for showing us." kuroo says cooly, stepping in front of you.

you hear a smack on the floor, before bokuto is yelling "akaashi, pay attention to the ball, jeez!". you turn around, making eye contact with him again, before he looks away, muttering his apologies.

"your team over there seems to be in shambles without you." kuroo snickers. you shake your head with the smallest smile on your face, before turning back towards their side of the net.

the whistle is blown, signaling the beginning of the practice match. you don't even get to sit down before you hear a cry. one person is crumpled on the floor, crutching his ankle.

"i fell wrong, its nothing im fine!" he exclaims, but is ushered off the court before he can finish arguing.

"dammit, i told you to be careful!" coach is explaining to him. "who wants to sub in for him." coach states, turning towards the warmup bench. you don't seem to notice every sub take a step back, before coaches' hands are on your shoulders.

"thanks for stepping up y/n, but im afraid you can't play." coach says. you look taken aback. "i wasn't stepping up, but why wouldn't I be able to play?" you cock your head. the entire game has their eyes on you. surely, he didn't think you couldn't handle playing in a boy's match. your arms are crossed as you stare defiantly.

he lets out an exasperated sigh before rolling his eyes. "you can borrow one of the smaller uniforms then. go ahead and get changed."

you feel a smile beaming on your face as you skip out the door.

୨♡୧

after changing, and still adjusting the uniform, you step onto the court. akaashi is looking at you, seemly almost concerned and curious as to how you play. you assume your position, back upfront at the net. you're faced off with the tall spikey hair boy again, as he smirks down at you again.

"this doesn't seem very fair..." akaashi murmurs, acknowledging the match up made in front of you. you giggle, hitting his arm. "i'll be fine." you state with determination. as soon as the match whistle blows again, you feel the hunger drifting in the game. everyone is fighting for their chance to showcase their power. including you. as soon as Nekoma serves, your libero receives perfectly, and as the ball glides to akaashi, he effortlessly tosses to bokuto, who smacks the ball down, right to their own libero. you hear his familiar groans of how he shouldn't have hit it there. you don't get much time to think before your instincts are screaming at you to jump. it feels like your stomach is clenching, your legs itching to move. before you even get the chance to fully process it, your legs are bouncing, and you feel the familiar feeling of a hard ball pressing into your forearm. you wince slightly, the ball being harder than usual. that was definitely leaving a bruise. you're met with shocked eyes, as kuroo descends from his peak of where he spiked. its silent for a second before you hear cheers behind you, and the team swarms you. you feel giddy, it was a good hit you blocked. your arm is throbbing, as you assume your position again.

you look down, rubbing your thumb over it. there was already a bruise faintly forming, discoloration setting in. you hear a familiar voice enter your ear, as smooth as butter.

"are you okay?" concern laced in his voice. he is inches from your face, his hand reaching for your arm. you pull away, not wanting to be taken off the court already.

"akaashi, im fine, please.." you say, pleading in your voice a little. you didn't want the chance to be taken away from you like you had now. this game would test your limits, and you were itching for it. his gaze softens before nodding. he assumes his position too.

minutes pass by, leaving you itching for the ball again. akaashi had been so generous with his sets to bokuto. usually you got to hit that much on your own team, but you weren't the ace here. bokuto was getting shut down by the other team, as kuro adapted to him. akaashi looks at you for a second and your stare is burning into him. he opens his mouth to say something, but before he has the chance, you state rather harshly.

akaashi's pov:

"give me the ball." she says, determination dripping out of every syllable. if looks could kill, i'd be dead. she makes my goosebumps prickle and keeps me on my toes. somehow, i'm always aware of her every move. i nod silently. she assumes her position, locked in on the opponents. kenma serves on the other team, giving a lazy serve. immediately i am on the ball, not even waiting for a receive first. i know where she is, and as i look up, seeing her position over the net already. serving perfectly, i shoot the ball rather directly at her. she grimaces, and i assume that its because that is not the type of set she likes, she swings, slapping the ball down, next to the front of the net. there is sliding as their libero tries to receive it. she turns to me, her hair whipping from her face, a smile starting to form, showing her teeth. she had the type of smile to make anyone smile, and i was no exception. i beam back at her, approaching her before she skips over to me, high fiving me with both hands. as soon as our hands slap together, she pulls me closer by my hands, whispering in my ear; "that was amazing but next time keep it a little furthur from the net." she giggles in my ear.

my heart is pounding there is no way she can't hear it. she's looking up at me, through her eyelashes, a slanted smile still suited on her face. our hands were still touching.

"okay, i can try." i say breathlessly. my eyes glance down, seeing discoloration appear on her forearms. probably from the hit she took from kuro. once my eyes lock on it, she is pulling her hands away, backing up.

"lets try again." she says quietly.

pt.3 ?>>??!?!?!

[marshmallowprotection]

I was wondering if I could please request some Saeran comfort please. Some health issues have been getting worse and worse to the point that im now on daily prescription painkillers, and since no ones found a cause yet im scared that no one will. or that even if they do it wont have a fix and ill just be stuck with lifelong chronic pain.

"I've got you, my love," his delicate hands never pressured you in the wrong way when you were having a bad day. He helped you adjust a bit so you wouldn't be laying your body on side that was flaring hard. The pillow he plumped up before scooting it under your form was so soft, no different than his hands. "Let's get you off that side, okay? It can't be helping your pain levels to be laying like you are, so let's try a new position to see if that helps."

With tears burning in your eyes, you did your best to nod. Words were too hard for now, choking on the pain was easier than it was to speak up and explain things at length, but he understood. Unlike everyone else, he understood what you meant at a single glance, even if there was something he got wrong, he adjusted, he learned, and he made changes to show that he could read you like an open book once he'd been given the right tools.

Never in your life had you been more grateful of the fact that Saeran was a good listener, and he knew how to spot the smallest changes in your responses to make a difference in your pain levels. You knew the pain you were experiencing was different than the pain he was forced through as a young boy and at Mint Eye, but pain was something he understood intimately.

That ability to empathize and lock onto pain responses made him an expert at taking care of not only himself, but you as well.

You just wished you didn't have to suffer through this pain the first place.

For what it was worth, the small change in position did take away some of the pain you were experiencing, and while you knew that wouldn’t stop the aches and tremors that came in waves, you were relieved that for a brief moment, you could breathe again without fearing your body causing another shock wave to shoot down your spine. 

Even the smallest nudge of your pinky in the wrong direction made the pain return. It didn't make any sense, and the more you felt the pain take control of your body, the more you felt as though you did something to deserve this. Even if that wasn't true, even if you didn't do anything wrong in the first place, even if you didn't deserve this pain, with no explanation to tell you why it was happening, your brain began to make up all kinds of answers that... more often than not led to blaming yourself.

"We'll figure this out," Saeran whispered. His voice drew you away from the pain once more as he gently settled on front of you. His hand cupped your cheek as he pressed his lips against the top of your nose. "I promise we'll find answers to bring you pain relief as soon as we can... but until that day comes, I'll be right here, taking care of you just like you've worked so hard to take care of me in the past."

"S—Saeran..."

"I've got you," he repeated.

You nodded once again, blinking away the thick tears that taunted you against the comfort Saeran gave. You didn't have to force that. You didn't have to force yourself to be okay when you were wit him. You could cry as much as you needed to and he would never make you think it wasn't okay. He was your safe space, and you knew he would always be.

[secret-rendezvous1d]

hi bestie!! could you write about harry and y/n being broken up and he finds out she went on a date and he goes to her house really upset asking her how she could do that to him and she says she didn’t want too but her friends made her and they make up at the end?

the thought makes me all soft-

"Who was he?"

When YN opened her front door, she wasn't expecting to see Harry standing there.

Dressed like he'd been on a run but barely showing a sweat on his brow-line, t-shirt still loose to his body and still smelling of his Tom Ford cologne, not a hint of his body odour hanging in the air. Stood on the gravel pathway of her home, in skin-tight leggings and a pair of baggy shorts endorsed with Nike on the side, bright pink trainers tied to his feet (which she knew weren't his running shoes and were the first pair he'd grabbed in his haste to leave his home) and paired with white socks that he'd pulled up to his mid-calves. Hair pinned back in one of his tiny butterfly clips, with only the smallest and softest curls hanging down the sides of his face.

"Who was who?"

"That man who people saw you with. Who you went on a date with," he grumbles. His voice dripping with jealousy, barely unable to take his eyes away from her blushing cheeks, "it's all over my Twitter, in my direct messages, my Instagram. Who was he?"

"Just someone from work," YN confesses, a sudden yet small chill running down her spine because she had no clue that she had been photographed in her privacy, "my co-worker wanted to set me up with him because she found out that me and you had recently parted ways. She kept telling him to ask me out, to take me to dinner or for some drinks at the bar down the road, and- well, he wouldn't take no for an answer. I- H, I didn't want to go."

She wasn't technically lying.

She did want to go, because she'd been raving to her friends about going to the newly-opened bar down the road (which sold endless amounts of her favourite cocktails and advertised 'the best pizza in London' which she could never turn down), but she just didn't want to go with him; the guy from work who would always seem to take his break at the same time as her, who would always keep his lunch beside hers, who would make sure he finished at the same time as her so she could ride in the lift down to the bottom floor with him.

She wanted to go with Harry. Not the first guy who offered to date her after she became single.

"You could have told your face that."

"Harry-"

"Am I just that forgetful? Everything we did together? All the good times we have, the funny moments, the sad times. Did you just forget all about that? Did they mean nothing to you?" His demeanour took a change as he broke, his shoulders slouching and the darkness of his eyes seemed to lighten, fingers picking at the hangnails of his thumb, "did I mean nothing to you?"

"Don't be so stupid, Harry. You're the last person I'd ever forget," she shook her head and adjusted her weight and her stance, standing up straighter from her position leaning against the doorframe of her front door, "as for everything we did together... it's impossible to just erase it all. I travelled with you, saw you in your element, watched you do your job. I went on a bloody world tour with you, for goodness sake. It's hard to not remember it all. Even when I want to."

"Why?"

She sighs heavily and runs her hand through her hair, "because it's unbearable to think about what we used to have together. How happy we were, how you were the only person who knew me, who could make me laugh and cry at the same time. How you made me feel so special and loved and like I was the only girl in the world. How you were my best friend, my soulmate and my boyfriend rolled into one person."

He smiles softly, matching the delicately placed smile that sat on her own lips.

"Now? Now you're just a stranger to me."

"I don't want to be," he whispers, "I hate that we became this."

She lifted the handle of her front door and made sure the latch was on - not that it mattered because even if her front door closed on her, she could still see the front door key, that she gave to him as an emergency key, twisted onto the keyring that hung from his forefinger - taking a seat on the bench she had placed on her front porch.

He stood there for a moment, contemplating his own mind, before he took the space beside her.

"I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you go but," he coughs into his fist and clears the ache in his throat, "I was wrong. I wanted you to have a life that I was unable to give you. A partner who was always at home, who you could see whenever you wanted, who was there for everything. Who you never had to see through a screen or hear updates about through social media," his hand reaches up, slowly, adjusting the shoulder of her knitted cardigan that had fallen down and exposed her bare skin, "I wanted you to have the life I wished to give you."

"You never asked me what I wanted. That's what hurt me the most," and her voice was so soft, almost hard to hear, "and I understood but, Harry, I wanted you. I didn't want someone who could be there for me whenever. I wanted everything with you. Life was hard being with you but I coped. I managed to live my life and have you by my side and I couldn't have asked for me," she admits, holding his hand with hers and running her thumb over his knuckles, "I'd take you back in a heartbeat."

"Then do it."

She felt the heat creep up her neck, reaching her cheeks, and she felt like the shy schoolgirl who cracked under the pressure of being near her school crush. Her eyes locked on the pebbles of her flowerbed because anywhere was better than looking into his deep, green, enticingly-beautiful eyes.

"Harry-"

"I love you. I always will. I didn't come here to get back together with you or for this to happen but-" he's cut of by the gentle motion of her head moving up to look at him, "I came here to be the biggest baby and beg for you to come back and not date that bloke. I couldn't see you with someone else and I know I left you so you could but-"

She snorts and shakes her head, the smile lingering on her lips, her body shifting in a way that was more inviting for him.

"Come back to me."

Her arms wrapped around his neck, forearms sitting snugly on his shoulders, lips pressing against his in an instant. Moulding together, fitting like a puzzle, his hands brushing up her back and bringing her just that tiny bit closer to him.

"Is that a yes?"

It was mumbled against her lips but, really, no words were needed. The moment was his answer. x

[julymarte]

Something from earlier on Instagram stories...

The topic of the hypothetical comic is always a complicated one for me... Even though most people wanted to have proper KoS comics from the survey with h a whopping 30 votes on 37 and the modern au webtoon following closely....

It's highly unrealistic for them to happen, even though the au webtoon would be easier to happen cause I would not handle the writing... I might still not be able to have the time and energy for it if I will be forced to find a "real job" soon

For KoS I'm extremely scared, working on the story would mean to change everything and everyone to adjust all the problems kom had... Not starting it it's like keeping my characters in a stasis where they can exist without causing problems, at least hopefully... Kom flopped hard for several reasons and for kos to exist it means to shoulder all the kom failures, for kos to exist would mean to completely rewrite the flux universe and cut the connection with kom

And I'm not ready to cut this umbilical cord

I don't know how to write something perfect and untainted..no one is able to I believe... But I really don't want to offend anyone or at least if it's inevitable I hope it would be the smallest amount of people possible

Again comic making is a big investment in time and energy and while I know most webcomic artists have a day job, knowing myself and my energy battery I know I would not be able especially with my emotional battery... There are so many expectations on this project, mostly from myself..I'm aware of that...but it's really a lot to handle and I am not afraid to admit that in this time period I am extremely weak

This would be an extremely big gamble...kom went ok at first cause I had a big follow from [redacted fandom] and now I don't so I wouldn't even have a motivation jump start...I'm so sorry for those 30 people who may have looked forward to it

[thr-333]

How did F!Leo get Leo Junior in your AU?

Ahha! you have given me the perfect excuse to share this snippet of the fic I'm working on for this

So Leo wasn’t dead, despite his best efforts. Plus despite his resolve to not think about it™ he was indeed fulfilling his promise to DDT. That happens when you’re looking down at the newly mutated rat version of your Dad and four little turtles in the cardboard box next to him Leo tries not to not linger on. 

Dad at this point is skinny and lanky; he really doesn't look all that different from Lou Jitsu. Leo wonders if he had kept better care of himself would he have had such a hard time adjusting. Probably, in the later days of Dad’s life he had lost a lot of his fat from the virtue of rations and regular fighting for your life-style exercise. Even then Leo didn’t think his Dad ever fully accepted his rat form.

But he looks so young here. Passed out in their old lair, the first one they had before shredder. It looks like he collapsed in a heap of exhaustion the second he found somewhere dry. Rain and bits of sewage muck still clinging to him. He was already so tired, how? It couldn’t have been more than a week since they were first mutated. 

That's another thing when he told Mikey to make a time gateway he didn’t expect his brother to be so extra about it. He really just meant to send Casey back to the day of, if not a few days before so he could get his barings first. The two had discussed it. Leo knew it would take everything he had that Mikey wouldn't be able to hold out long before getting destroyed. Especially in a heat of the moment spell. Which is why Leo knew sending Casey back here was impossible. That and he had already spent days scouring the city for a sign of him.

No, his presence here probably had more to do with the intricate fading orange design lacing up his arms. It had that sort of cracking appearance that Mikey did while making the time gateway. This however was more controlled and purposeful, with letters he couldn't understand woven between the lines. This spoke of a longstanding spell, something that Mikey had made in the event of either of their deaths. It had glowed bright the way their mystic powers did when he first arrived and had steadily been growing duller. Leo hoped they remained, he never got the chance to grab Mikey’s mask, a memento of his last brother.

There was also the chance that the marks fading meant his time here was up. But Leo somehow doubted it. There was nothing really going on around this time. The foot clan hadn't even begun thinking about collecting pieces of mystic armor. Leo had already looked for hide or hair of the key and came up with nada. Their mutation had already happened so that meant Draxum’s lair was destroyed and he wouldn’t be causing problems for anyone anytime soon.

That was the crux of the issue wasn’t it. The four baby turtles. He hovered over the little box. One side was soaked already peeling off at the corner. He knew everyone would be tumbling out the second they were awake enough to test the integrity of their playpen. They were all so small he could fit them all in one hand easily. Mikey was obviously the smallest of them all adorably round and clinging to Donnie’s leg even with the soft shell trying to kick him off in his sleep. It was almost funny if the sight of his twin at any stage of his life didn’t have Leo tearing up. He moved quickly onto the biggest of the lot and had to cover his mouth choking back a sob.

Their exact ages had gotten fuzzy with time. But Leo was pretty sure this little Raph was closer in age to his Raph than Leo was.

He wanted to scoop them up and hug all his brothers again. But he was pretty sure their shells were weak at this age and Leo wasn’t sure he could hold back squeezing them as tightly as he could. Besides, he didn't deserve it.

Raph and Donnie you could call those accidents markers of Leo’s incompetence. Not Mikey, he had looked his baby brother in the eye. The same baby brother that was making a mix between chirping and babbling noises in his sleep. Had looked him in the eye and asked him- told him to die. Had premeditated and planned his little brother's death. Leo wished he had died first, not just before Mikey but before all of them. He should've, they would probably been better off for it.

… Speaking of.

The last turtle he had been avoiding looking at. Simply because it was about to become relevant and Leo couldn’t be one hundred percent sure that this whole thing hadn’t been orchestrated by DDT as petty revenge for Leo dismissing him before. Actually right now that was his top working theory.

Leo had never seen any baby pictures of himself. Dad didn’t have a camera back then. He had no idea his markings used to be lighter, getting more pigmented with age. The light green stripes were practically cat scratches. He was sleeping restlessly trying to roll over in his sleep to find the other tots. Leo put his hand in between him and Raph just before little him could make contact. Their hands touched showing just the sheer size difference between then and now.

“It’s pathetic to be mad at a literal child,”

DDT wasn’t wrong, it did feel ridiculous to have beef with a baby. He picked the tot up, who gave a displeased squeaking sound in his sleep but didn’t wake up. It did make the others stir the sound disrupting their sleep. Surely that was a metaphor for something. Leo’s loud mouth always causing his brother's problems. Raph’s eyes cracked open looking up and zeroing in on Leo. He was pinned under the gaze with wide clear eyes that have never seen the horrors of this world.

Even at fifteen his brother's gaze had never been that unburdened. Since shredder and their first loss in the family Karai Leo had never seen them without a certain tragedy coloring his brothers outlook on life. The soon to follow apocalypse and the countless deaths that followed merely cemented that in his brothers look which Leo had forgotten what he looked like before.

He couldn’t let that future befall his brothers. Any of it. He wanted to keep them safe and sheltered and beg Dad never to let them out of the sewer. 

Oh how they would hate that.

He couldn't protect them from everything. There would always be low level threats and a curiosity that leads to them. All he could do was his best to get rid of some of the bigger ones and make sure the Krang never happened. It also meant he couldn't stay here. He would always be a little piece of the apocalypse a forgotten timeline. It would cast a shadow over his brothers and ruin their childhoods. That was fine he could work from the shadows behind the scenes thats where he did his best work. He just had to guarantee the Krange never happened.

There was one way to do that. He looked at the baby in his hand. Sometimes you need only remove one bad seed.

Raph had stared long enough to realize Leo wasn’t releasing his brother. He made grabby hands and little babbling sounds that were precious in every way. Leo smiled sadly. Moved into the shadows. Raph cried out. He didn’t look back.

[theseventhoffrostfall]

Back to Through Struggle, the Stars, and the second half of the book (yeah, all that prior was the first half) opens with a chapter that's such a marked improvement over all that came prior I was briefly convinced that the author wrote the first half years ago and just kept it as-is when he went on to finish it, or brought on some other military-adjacent friend to ghostwrite it or something. That is to say it rose to the dizzying heights of okay for the most part.

We switch to an Acadamy buddy of our guy Niel, who goes by Rand. Again, accurate, as military personnel are known for using first names exclusively. Regardless, Rand is in the Army as an artillery officer (don't ask why he went to the same academy as some space force navy guy). We get a brief mention that surface-to-orbit laser artillery has a secondary sighting laser for analyzing atmospheric disturbance and adjusting the focus of the main laser. I'm almost 100% certain that wouldn't solve the problem, but hey, it's proof that the author is aware the problem exists.

The war which was declared at the end of the first half has finally broken out proper, and Rand is stationed on a world consisting of one American continent with the rest under Chinese control, which some of you may recall is the sort of arrangement that's common in my primary Sci fi setting specifically for making more sense than every planet being under unilateral control. Randward is forced to ditch his guns as most of his battalion is wiped out. The order comes to surrender, because it turns out it's hard to argue with 70% of a planet plus an enormous invasion fleet that's claimed near-total aerospace superiority so his surviving platoon members link up with the remnants of the local police department to Red Dawn it. I'm as shocked as you are they didn't outright call it Yellow Dawn.

It's even mentioned that the Chinese plan to round up the American colonists and ship them off to an American holding to be repatriated, rather than putting them in death camps or making them into wet market soup or something, so there's even some actual restraint being shown here. Unfortunately, that moment is also what shook me out of that illusion of "Hey, this is so not-bad it might be a different author entirely." The perspective switching abruptly, jarring and completely unmarked and undifferentiated between third person limited and third person omniscient (like, perhaps, a news article switching from an interview to an editorial section providing information and context on the situation around that interview) has been present thus far, but it's just always been the smallest of the vast problems in play. The information about the Chinese plan for the planet comes jammed right in the middle of the narrative of Rand fighting the initial invasion.

Overall, I rate this chapter a GWOT/Y2K. It really is a 2011 time capsule if you know what to look for, to perhaps a greater degree than the rest of the book. Most notably because they're starting a Red Dawn gang and this was not long after they made that terrible Red Dawn remake, but more generally conventional invasions are shown as a swift, brutal, all-or-nothing blitzkrieg that would make sense to someone whose idea of such is Desert Storm, OIF, operations like Panama or even the conventional aspects of Vietnam (yeah people like to forget that basically every conventional engagement in Iraq, Afghanistan and Vietnam were quick and decisive US victories) but makes much less sense in the context of actual peer conflict as we've seen it play out historically, where from Normandy to Korea we see a burst of violence to establish a foothold and opportunistic rushes through breached lines but otherwise a steady, grinding back-and-forth advance. Again, Red Dawn was probably an influence, but it's perhaps interesting to think that we find a guerilla campaign in completely occupied territory to be a borderline romantic notion, as opposed to a strategically besieged, desperate holding action of conventional warfare, which we see as the grim nightmare it is.

Which is the other half of its datedness, in that everyone is shocked and appalled by the notion of the US forces on the planet surrendering, because that's just Not A Thing That's Done. Again, GWOT-era notion where the notion of going back to the negotiating table after a truce was called in a war was largely dead in favor of the idea that every war ends in a regime change and surrender of any kind is tantamount to absolute defeat forever. Everyone in this largely peacetime army that really has no living combat vets is just 100% willing to go to the absolute extremes to fight on for no particular reason (the civilians, everyone apparently knows because this information was once again between two paragraphs of in-character narration, will just be shipped off to American territory unharmed, and "help will arrive" is the sort of notion you get when you know you're in a story and the cavalry will show up grandly at the end, not when you're waging a losing war and just lost a planet) and this is despite the fact that America as the monopolar hegemon hasn't been the case for like a century at this point.

Hell, this dates it to both early in 2011, before America's de facto withdrawal from Iraq, and from I believe a few years later when that US naval vessel accidentally trespassed in IIRC Chinese waters and the crew was detained before being sent along. While this was a bit excessive (typically such incidents warrant the response of just escorting the intruding ship out of your territory, though detention is indeed within the rights of the encroached-upon party) I remember there being some intense backlash and anger at the crew "shaming the entire country" for, I dunno, not dying gloriously at their guns and defying all possible notions of obeying international law and justice just for the vague notion of not surrendering for any reason no matter how valid. This also dates it to before 2022 to present day, when half the country would respond to the notion of a war with China by espousing that China has traditional Christian values and opposing their conquest is a demonic money laundering scheme.

Overall, a standout chapter for being mediocre but interesting to analyze rather than just blandly fascinating but interesting to venomously critique. I don't wanna give anyone the wrong impression, though. This book is not The Devil Calls the Tune. This book is not Guard at The Gates of Hell. This book isn't even Dark Operator. On the seismograph of bad military science fiction this book has yet to shake the needle. It's just bad in a way that makes it interesting to break down rather than bad in a way that makes me want to kill the author with my bare hands. Believe it or not, I still haven't wanted to kill the author once.

Well, there's time for that to change, because the next chapter goes back to Neil. Back to the grind for me.

[sakunataa]

February 2nd (Status Report) + February 2nd (202X Tutorial Update) Review

I wanted to apologize to everyone who is reading this, particularly Dev, for the current absence of reviews. I haven't had the time to truly be online, much less write anything longer than two sentences, because I've been so busy changing jobs and homes. Now that I've found a home and a job that suits me, I can carry on reviewing YanDev's WordPress!

Yes, I'm going back to Feb2, which is when my next review was supposed to be done. Dev is understandably taking a break from working on the game, thus this is as good a time as any to resume reviewing. I'm hoping that he sees these encouraging words and has something to look forward to during the next months.

I'll review everything having seen (almost) all the updates I know now (obviously), and I'll comment about how much better it gets with time, based on how well I think it was done back then. For the sake of lengthening this post and, well, for Dev's sake as well, I'll be examining the two Feb2 posts at the same time. 🩷

I begin.

I'm really happy that Dev finished the tutorial cutscenes! I'm really ecstatic knowing how wonderfully done it is. It's stunning and fluid on top of that. Compliments to the chef! Dev wants to make adjustments to the animations even after they are finished, ensuring their quality and completion. Knowing how much he was going to do at the moment made me so eager for the massive build that was about to be released.

For the intro animation's adjustments? Hauntingly gorgeous. It's a lovely touch to use the glass fragments as a symbol for how truly damaged Ayano feels. The smallest visual enhancements can make an already excellent animation even better, provided the art isn't compromised. There's a perfect balance of everything here! It's good to see him improve on what's already there; I really appreciate the direction he's taking everything in.

The game's update and how long it will be before the next one is released are covered in the following section. In all honesty, I find it hard to see why anyone would think that tutorials are generally a waste of time. I agree that tutorials are important and shouldn't be avoided, but seasoned veterans of all sorts of games wouldn't understand that! But Yandere Simulator is so complex and detailed that I feel a tutorial is very necessary.

Anyway, it is understandable why he might want to put the update off for a little while longer. Imagine creating a game this size and being prepared to add this large update to it. The game is strongly supported and shaped ever so slightly by the tutorial level, which also gives the impression that the game is getting near to feeling and being more complete! Making a YouTube video is a cool idea, but I can also see why he would be torn on such a significant choice as that. So I can definitely support the last listed con.

Making it the "newest" video on the channel would inevitably draw in the wrong crowd. While I consider the game's tutorial to be a significant achievement, the regular trolls and detractors might not agree. It's the fundamentals—something that introduces you to the game and helps you understand its mechanics. YanSim's growth has been a challenging process from the start. Making this tutorial now is entirely justified. Cut him some slack!

This makes a seamless segue into the next post, in which he announces his decision to refrain from posting a video about it to his main channel. Well played, Dev! Moving it to your secondary channel, where all of your other content is posted, is much smarter. It fits in well. (Thanks Cameron for providing the tutorial's audio! You were outstanding in all you did. I'm proud of you. Your work is fantastic.)

As someone who has completed the 202X tutorial, I can tell you right away that I adore it. It's well-designed and a lot of fun to do. Despite the fact that I already knew how to play the game, I found it to be a truly enjoyable experience, especially after a brief break! It was also wonderful to see Kokona in the spotlight once more! She's always been one of my favorite characters, so seeing her again made me quite pleased.

I have always wanted to make a game, with a tutorial to boot. And after being in numerous classes and doing all the research I possibly could to see where I could start out, seeing the tutorial of this game inspires me! Dev couldn't have released this at such a better time. A solid tutorial all around. Easy to understand, control, and finishing it didn't feel frustrating or overly-complicated.

Making a game, with a tutorial to boot, has long been a goal of mine. And after being in numerous classes and doing all the research I possibly could to see where I could start out, none of them truly inspired me the way this game does. This release by Dev couldn't have come at a better time! A strong tutorial overall. It was easy to understand, control, and complete; it didn't feel difficult or needlessly complicated.

(The idea of a custom level maker similar to that of the Final Test sounds like such a great idea. I'd play the hell out of it if that was ever a thing. The possibilities and videos on that would be endless.)

I have gushed about 1980s mode for so long. Still do. The prior rival introduction cutscenes were enjoyable to watch, but I always pondered how it would have seemed with actual cutscenes. I used to constantly experiment in my head with numerous angles and possibilities. And it appears that my wish has finally come true! These brand-new, diverse scenes are all exquisite, with amazing attention to detail! I frequently replayed the mode to see if I had missed anything in these sequences, and I'm always amazed every time I do. The quality and the passion are both present. It's genuinely excellent!

(I'm also impressed with the volunteer's work with the "Senpai meets Amai" cutscene. Feels really good, refreshing, and brilliant. Props to them as well!)

To me, the concept of a small town prototype has always been, well, huge to me. I've always found it fascinating to imagine exploring a town as Ayano and seeing other people interact. Sadly, I am unable to locate any concept pictured that I recall drawing at the time. But? I do recall Dev's post on Feb25 where he had a what-if idea of what it may be like to wander around a small town, and I just melted! I couldn't have asked for a finer picture of what it could be like.

New animations, enhancements, and bug fixes follow from here. For all of which, Dev deserves all the praise! Thanks to his diligence and perseverance, everything feels tidy and well-done. Dev has often demonstrated to us that effort and dedication are crucial, especially with significant updates like this. Congratulations to everyone, including Dev! He gathers everyone and does his share to ensure that everything is well-organized and, in the end, stylish and beautiful.

This update is enormous, magnificent, and wonderfully imaginative! I'm happy I waited since I absolutely adore this game and how it's being developed. I'm excited to go through all the other posts and give it the attention it still deserves. Endless acclaim and appreciation, even for small achievements.

Until next time! It's good to be back.

[puffpasstea]

Satellite

Warnings: mention of drugs.

---

Chapter 9

"So, how's she?" I pressed the phone harder against my ear as if to make up for the thousands of miles between us.

"Good, really good...Yeah. They're letting her come home today. Mum's just gone to pick her up."

"That's great, Harry! I'm so glad!"

"How's...everything on your end?" I knew what he was really asking.

"Stop, Harry. We told you not to worry about work. We've got it covered."

"I just feel bad. Feels like I've abandoned everyone. Chris and Sienna, especially."

"Believe it or not, they're perfectly capable of giving interviews without your irresistible charm to lead them through it."

"you think I'm irresistible AND charming?" I could practically hear the grin in his voice.

"Fuck off."

Harry chuckled, and relief instantly washed over me. I didn't realize that I hadn't heard his hearty laugh in a long time. The high pitched, lilt, almost song-like to my ears was so distinct. I could picture him with a hand on his stomach, his head thrown back, eyes squeezed shut. I missed his laugh.

"Hey, could you turn your camera on? Wanna show you Gemma's room."

"y-yeah, sure." I ran a quick hand through my hair and adjusted my shirt collar, making sure I looked good enough.

Harry walked me through the set up he'd put together. "Do you think this is enough pillows?"

It was sweet how fussy he was being over the smallest of details.

"Like, if it were you, what would you wanna have by your bedside?" He asked, chewing on his lower lip worriedly.

"My thoughtful little brother."

Harry rolled his eyes. "I'm being serious!"

"So am I! Harry- look, it's not about the items within her reach, it's about the effort you're putting into showing her that you're there for her. That's what's going to give her comfort."

"I just- want it to be perfect. Don't wanna miss anything."

Harry had been determined to be more present in his family life since his sister's illness. He didn't want to ignore the wake-up call that these unfortunate circumstances had given him about his relationship to the people in his life. And I could see how hard he'd been trying. As difficult as the decision was, he'd stepped back from promoting the film to go be with his family and support his sister. I was proud of him for recognizing what needed to be done, though I was by no means surprised. He wouldn't be the Harry that I knew if he'd taken this lightly.

"Alright, well, mum's just texted me that they're almost here. I gotta go. Talk soon?"

"Keep me posted on how she's doing!"

"Will do."

***

A week later, just as I was logging out of a virtual work meeting, the landline in my hotel room began to ring.

"Is...this Alice's room?" The voice on the other end of the line asked.

"Yes, this is Alice...sorry, who is this?"

"Oh, it's Jeff! Azoff? Harry's manager?"

"Oh? ohhh! Hi- Hi, Jeff. To what do I owe this...call?"

"Well, umm, come downstairs and you'll find out."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I'm trying to say I'm in the hotel lobby. Would you come down and have a cup of coffee with me? let's chat."

"S-sure, I guess."

"See you in a bit?"

"Yeah."

The phone went silent. I froze in place, listening to the monotonous beep announcing the end of the call as Jeff hung up. It took me a moment to remind myself that I had no reason to feel nervous about this. Unlike Harry, I don't pay Jeff to tell me what to do or not to do. It's not like he can actually do or say anything of consequence to me. But that's exactly what made this whole thing so strange. I couldn't think of a single reason why he and I would ever need to interact. A single good reason, at least. So it must be something bad. The kind of thing that you can't just mention over the phone, or via text. And thus began the longest elevator ride of my life. All the way to the lobby, I wondered if Jeff was here to tell me that Gemma's back in the hospital, or that Harry's been in a plane crash on his way back to LA, or...

A hotel staff member walked me to Jeff's table at the cafe in the lobby, pulling my chair out for me and announcing that he'll be back to take our orders in a second. Jeff opened the menu, glancing at his options.

"Have you had the cappuccino here, yet? oh, you must have the cappuccino, it's to die for!"

Ok, so he's not here to inform me of anybody's untimely demise; surely he wouldn't use 'to die for,' if he were about to tell me that someone's dead.

The waiter returned. "What can I get for you this morning?"

"We'll have two cappuccinos-" Jeff started.

"Actually, just black coffee, for me, thanks."

Jeff waited for the waiter to be out of ear shot before turning back to face me, and, taking a sip of his complementary water, he looked at me. "You don't like me very much, do you?"

"Not even a little bit."

He smiled brightly. "Good. I wouldn't be doing my job right if you liked me."

"So, are you going to tell me why we're here?"

"Of course-"

The waiter brought our drinks over, interrupting the conversation. "One cappuccino and one black coffee. Anything else?"

we assured him that we were all set, and with a courteous smile, he was gone again.

Taking an immediate sip of his drink, Jeff dug his hand into the pocket of his coat and took out an envelope, sliding it across the table to me. "Came here to give you this. Didn't think I should mail it or trust someone else with it."

I took the envelope and began to open it. "What's this?"

"From Harry. The keys to his home and a list of discrete spots inside the place."

Jeff was right. The keyring was hefty, fastening together a number of keys, all attached to a keychain with the signature house logo and "Harry's House" written on it. It brought a smile to my face to think about how clever Harry must have found this. I bet he was impressed with himself for the double-meaning.

I picked up the coffee to warm my hands and began sipping on it.

"Those places are where his, umm, fun pills are stashed." Jeff leaned in closer, lowering his voice, "He wanted me to ask if you'd be willing to go over there and...dispose of all of it for him. He's coming home at the end of the week and he doesn't even want to be tempted by the possibility of their presence, you know?"

I nodded and took a big gulp of my drink, burning the roof of my mouth.

"Of course, he wants you to know that there's no pressure to say yes. He could just ask Mitch, or someone else, if you don't feel comfortable."

"N-no. it's no big deal. I'm happy to do it."

"I can drive you over there, whenever you'd like."

"How about- like, now? after this?"

"Sure."

***

I worked my way through Harry's house, room by room. Jeff remained in the main living room area, informing me that Harry had asked him not to get too involved. Occasionally, if I passed him by, he'd try to strike up a conversation, or provide some context for the pieces of art I saw on the walls, explaining the decorative items, award trophies, or personal photos of particularly sentimental value to Harry. It was clear Jeff knew him very well.

In his bedroom, a sweater was folded neatly and placed onto the bed. My hand reached towards it, taking the hem of the sweater between my thumb and index finger, and feeling it. I knew exactly which sweater this was. I'd seen it on Harry on more than one occasion. He'd even been wearing it the night before his flight to London. The feeling of the fabric between my fingers brought me back to that night, and it suddenly hit me that I've been missing him ever since. It feels like it's been so long. I knew why he had to be gone. I was glad even. Because I saw how hard he wrestled with the decision to walk away from film press, and how guilty he'd felt for leaving his co-stars to cover for him. He was in no shape to carry on with business as usual, and he would've regretted it if he'd stayed. I knew that, but it's been a while since, and I was looking forward to his return.

once I'd confiscated all of Harry's drugs, I made my way back to the living room to ask if Jeff knew of any safe pill disposal locations nearby, but he was on the phone.

"Hang on, she's here...It's Harry; he wants to talk to you."

I took the phone, turning around so he couldn't see my smile. "Harry."

"I wanted to say thank you so much for doing this for me. You've no idea how grateful I am."

"Oh, it's- fine, no worries." His sincerity and intensity were throwing me off.

"No, really. I appreciate it more than I can say. Didn't want have to ask Jeff to do it. I feel like a line needs to be drawn somewhere, you know? don't want him to, like, be my 'handler' or something...Gosh, who am I? my 'handler'? listen to the words coming out of my mouth." Harry laughed, partially out of nerves.

"But you're okay with me being your handler?" I whispered into the phone, walking into another room for some privacy.

"You can handle me any time, darlin'"

"Gross."

Harry chuckled.

"So, I hear you're coming back soon." I blurted out, unable to conceal my excitement.

"Yeah, yeah, in a few days..."

"D-do you, uh, do you want a ride from the airport? I could, like, pick you up? we could grab a bite to eat, or-"

"That's sweet, really-"

"But?"

"Well, yeah...I've been thinking," fuck. What now. Nobody ever says 'I've been thinking,' unless it's bad.

"I think... we might need- some ground rules."

"What do you mean?"

"oh, god. I haven't actually thought about how I want to phrase this yet, but...I think we just need to take things slow, you know? We've skipped a bunch of steps, I think. Jumped in head first into the deep end. Maybe we scale back a little bit?"

"Harry, I don't understand any of the words that are coming out of your mouth right now. What? are you saying you don't wanna be friends anymore?"

"I do! oh my god, I do!! Look, I love our friendship. I think we both know there's something between us that we'd be foolish to throw away. You're one of my favorite people on this planet. And because of that, because you're important to me and I don't want to lose you, I think I've got to, like, get a grip on things. I've been flying by the seat of my pants for a while. And it put us in a tough spot. I want to be more intentional with things. take it slow. Set some boundaries. Please tell me you understand?"

Harry had been the one speaking, but I was the one who felt out of breath. I sighed loud enough for him to hear. "I don't know. Like, what kind of boundaries?"

"Well, no more spontaneous late night calls, for starters. That's disrespectful and emotionally manipulative."

"It is? I mean, yeah, it is."

Harry laughed. "I'm serious! And we can only hang out alone in public places. At least for a little while. If we must be secluded and indoors, it needs to be with other people."

"What's a little while?"

"Well, we can discuss this, but, at least from my side, I think....a lot of my problems have been resolved now that I've been able to see my family and make sure Gemma's all good. But there's still quite a bit for me to work through."

"Harry, have you met me? I'm not exactly perfect."

"Don't you think that we keep...crashing into each other, though? and making a mess of the aftermath? "

"I just- don't want to lose you." Unexpectedly, I felt my throat tighten. My heart was racing. I thought I'd be used to the abandonment by now. My whole life, everyone and everything I've ever loved has left me behind. I should've known that telling Harry I loved him would be the beginning of the end for us.

"Hey, you are never going to lose me, do you hear me? never!"

"Doesn't feel like it."

"I'll prove it to you. I know change is hard. It's hard for me too. it's going to be very difficult for me not to call, or text, or kiss you every minute of every day. But, I've got to try. To get better."

"I never want to be the thing that keeps you from getting back to your life."

"you are my life."

***

The end of the week came and I did NOT pick Harry up from the airport, but I did get a text from him

I'm backkkk!!! goodnight. see you Monday!

I did, in fact, see him on Monday. The first thing he did upon his return was hand his phone and mine over to Jeff. They'd installed some kind of filter on both of our social media accounts to block certain kind of comments from reaching us, essentially minimizing the gossip from being a constant force. That seemed to make Harry's shoulders lighter, and I can't lie, the number of death threats against me decreased too.

To make up for his conspicuous and very sudden absence from promoting the film, he made several appearances on the covers of magazines, most of them, on his own. It was clear that his team had booked him these interviews as ways to introduce him to the world as a double-threat. This was about his acting AND his music. However, occasionally, he did some interviews with Sienna and Chris, to focus solely on the film, and I tagged along to provide a few quotes about the cast being an absolute pleasure to work with, and even explain the role that the university had played in making this film.

On occasion when it was all of us, we tended to go for drinks or dinner afterwards, so Harry and I saw each other regularly. On some of his days off, he'd go out for a run with his trainer, and then invite me for a coffee or a smoothie afterwards. Although we kept things light and friendly, always in parks, cafes, and juice bars, always around other people, just as our ground rules required, I knew he was making good on his promise that he wouldn't abandon me. I appreciated his effort, genuinely, but I couldn't deny that things were, at first, slightly strange. I felt stiff having to watch my every move, touch, or gesture around him. I couldn't help but wonder, in the back of my mind, if we were going backwards in our friendship.

"Can I ask you a question?" I mumbled one morning, during a lull in our conversation. I wasn't sure Harry could even hear my small voice over the sound of birds chirping, cafe-goers coming in and out as we sat at an outdoor table. Harry's eyes were hidden behind his sunglasses, so I wasn't even sure he was looking at me.

"Of course." He took a long sip out of his protein shake.

"Are you worried we'll never be the same again? with the way things were between us? " I turned side-ways in my seat, so I could face away from Harry, and distract myself by watching pedestrians on the street.

"I hope we never have to be." He spoke without missing a beat.

"W-what?" Are we not on the same page about this whole thing? Had I missed the memo on the future of our relationship?

Harry took off his sunglasses, folding them and hanging them onto the neck of his shirt. His ocean-green eyes shimmered in the bright LA sunshine. " I know it's scary. I'm not particularly a fan of change either. But, I think it would be insane to want to go back to the way things were."

"I liked getting to know you and feeling like you really knew me."

"And you don't feel that way these days?"

I shook my head, feeling suddenly emotional. Admitting this out loud made it inescapable now. I guess there's no way out of this conversation now. "We just talk about the weather, and the differences between London and LA, and food, and all of that's fine, but I still feel like I've lost you."

Harry smiled to himself as he swirled the straw in his cup a few times. "Your favorite flavor of anything at all is vanilla, but you won't admit it to anyone because you think that's boring and might imply that you're vanilla, which we both know isn't true."

"Wha-"

"You know a lot more about architecture than the average person and I'm not sure you're aware that most of it isn't, like, common knowledge. Which I find kind of cute, to be honest; your favorite season of the year is fall; you've never been to Italy but it's your dream to visit one day; if you had to rank my work, gun to your head, you think my first album would go last BUT you also think it's the most underrated. I'm both flattered and confused by that."

I turned back around in my seat to face him.

"I learned all of this about you in the past few weeks! by talking to you about food and the weather and LA and London! I've never stopped getting to know you, Matilda. I don't intend on it."

I was sure my face was red, but I hoped I could disguise it as sunburn. "I just think you don't even know how good "Meet Me In The Hallway" even is. And "From The Dining Table"? I mean, c'mon!"

Harry shook his head and laughed, reaching for his sunglasses again.

***

Harry was right, there was value in the mundane interactions. Besides, the longer we kept doing this, the more I noticed that we'd developed a new kind of ease. It's amazing what can happen when not all of your energy is devoted to trying to decode the mind games or wondering if there was a hidden meaning behind a smile, a hug that lasted too long, or brush of the hand that seemed entirely too intense to be accidental. In fact, the structure and limits around our interactions had injected them with new meaning. I found myself looking forward to our short coffee dates and excitedly anticipating seeing him at group dinners. While things were different now, for the first time in my life, different didn't also feel bad.

***

One night, as I was getting ready to go to bed, I saw my phone light up on the night-stand. It was a text from Harry.

-You doing anything tomorrow night?

-Nope. Why?

-Wanna go to dinner with me? Somewhere nice and quiet. Where we can talk...

-Am I in trouble?

-Guess you'll find out tomorrow at dinner. ;-) Pick you up at 7?

-Sure, 7 works.

-See you then!

What the hell is that about?

[twstinginthewind]

Punch & Juniper: ❝ just stay here with me … by my side. ❞

Softer shippy prompts

"Whoa." Juniper tilted her head back, and took a step backwards, a smile crossing her face. "This setup is AMAZING. When you said your dorm was going all-out for their Halloween Week display, you weren't kidding, huh??"

"A tribute to the best worst Halloween movie there is in Twisted Wonderland cinematic history, Pumpkin Hollow!" Punch grinned, and fiddled with the control panel on the laptop. "We're also doing our own thing, later on at the dorm? Kind of an afterparty for the afterparty. The theme is B-horror cosplay. Makes sense, since Housewarden Shroud probably won't have time to change, you know?"

"It sounds like a blast." Juniper reached forward as a holographic leaf drifted past. The projected particle passed right through her fingers, without her feeling a thing. "Wow... you helped work on the image mapping for this, you said? Soooo totally worth it. It looks realer than the real thing."

"Yeah, the whole dorm worked very hard on it." He rewound the display slightly, placing the projection of the leaf just above her hand. It looked as though it was bathed in moonlight, shining in midair in front of them. "Down to the smallest details."

"Wow," she breathed, eyes sparkling as she leaned in for a closer look.

"In fact, I think the bunch of us really earned that afterparty," he added, absentmindedly adjusting the cuffs of his uniform jacket. "And since we're allowed to bring a guest, I was wondering—"

There was a tiny click, and a slightly louder groan as the laptop, lights, and all the small projectors around the library all shut off at once. In the sudden darkness, Punch swore under his breath.

"Triple damn it! I told them to secure the extra generators, for this kind of output. And I don't even know where the fuse box is in here..." Punch paused, embarrassed. "Or where you are. I'm sorry. Juniper, you're okay, yeah? You didn't scream or anything. Are you still here?" He reached out his arms in front of him, and bumped gently into the coyote girl.

She laughed; a bright, short sound that echoed through the library. "I'm fine, Punch. It's just a little darkness, and that ain't gonna hurt me any." Her hand found his, and she gently patted it a few times before lacing their fingers together. "Don't tell me you're scared."

"More upset than scared." He squeezed her hand gently. "I'm glad this happened during the testing phase, instead of when there were off-campus guests. We can fix it and keep it from happening again. If I can figure out how to get to where I can fix this."

They both flinched as they heard a thump from the other side of the main room. "Orrrr we can wait this out together," Juniper yipped, suddenly sounding nervous. "Until the lights come back? Just stay here with me. By my side."

"Roger that." He leaned a bit closer, letting their shoulders bump together.

"And don't call me Roger."

"Sorry." He stifled a laugh.

Juniper squeezed his hand, seemingly pleased at his reaction. "Anyway, yes."

"Yes? Yes to what?"

"It sounded like you were inviting me to that party, and yes. I'd love to go."

Punch smiled broadly, even though she couldn't see it. "That's fantastic!! Yeah, it wouldn't be much fun without you there. Just make sure to stick to the theme, or you might end up standing out like a sore thumb."

"Like I don't already have a dozen movies I can pick from at the tip of my tongue." Another thump from across the room made them flinch, and they huddled closer together. "Provided we survive this silly incident."

"We can be ghosts and still go, that's a bit of Halloween magic."

"Absolutely not, Punch."

"Fine. No haunting the party, I guess." Just then, the lights flickered back on, and they realized they had been clinging to each other. They quickly separated themselves.

"Right."

"Yeah."

Juniper brushed a loose hair back from her face. "I'll... let you get to reporting and fixing this. I need to go back to my own dorm's display. We need all hands on deck, Ruggie said, haha. I'll show ya tomorrow, what we did."

Punch nodded, his blush just starting to fade. "Can't wait. And if you need help narrowing down that dozen movies? Call me."

"I'll do that anyway."

"Thanks." He grinned like a newly-carved pumpkin. "Happy Halloween, Juniper."

"Happy Halloween, Punch."

[johnradams]

lol spoilers for theatre folks on here but

I'm very sick of how this industry and the people in it treat disabled people. Like genuinely it is awful. And the worst part is folks who claim to understand and say that they're champions of intersectional equality in theatre.

not only do *I* personally feel constantly criticized in a way that doesn't take my disability into account but tonight one of our ushers who is visibly disabled was mistreated by our box office manager who is a FACULTY MEMBER. And that faculty member was not apologetic in any way when I spoke to them abt it.

It's not hard. to learn how to communicate and support disabled people. It truly is not. You really just have to exercise compassion. You just need to sit and think 'Okay - I understand this but this person does not. How can I communicate this to them in a different way do it can reach them?'. And you also need to ask. Is what I'm asking this person to do within their skill set. Is there any way I can divvy up the work further to help them. Are they the right person for this project.

And tbh I do not think that it is wise or necessary for me to continue academic theatre - or at least academic stage management. It does not serve me or any disabled person to push myself to my limits every day and quietly accept that faculty will not adjust their expectations for me based on what I am capable of.

And I've found that that isn't my experience in actual theatre at all. In my experience my professors are so incredibly anal about the smallest detail and that's not been my experience in paid work. If that's the broadway experience I don't want it. I don't. Hold much ill will towards the program, because my prof is very honest from the get go that the stage management taught here is the broadway convention, and many people don't mesh with it and that's okay.

And like. While I'm not sure of Anything going forward whether I want to continue pursuing theatre professionally or if I want to get my interpreting certificate and focus professional efforts on that. I am very sure that this isn't what I want to do. This is not a system I want to support anymore.

Even if professors in this environment are very kind on a personal level. it does not carry into their professional work. And that's probably because of the expectations held by the university or whatever. But I wish we were more upfront about that.

In my interview for this program I asked what would you do if a student were falling behind. and I was told that simply wouldn't happen because professors check in so often it just couldn't. which. totally false. Maybe that was that professors perception but. I haven't ever felt more like I was drowning in my life.

Anyway the whole point of this mf post is that while I'm filled with grief and depression abt leaving this program I need to be somewhere where if I'm not helping other people I'm at least not actively making their lives worse. and I can't do that here.

[sincelastsession]

I'm getting really upset about being in freeze mode and feeling like agoraphobia anxiety when I attempt to even leave my apartment.

I used to be able to go several places.

Now I feel overwhelmed even in the smallest store.

Like I feel like I'm gonna faint or throw up trying to get myself to go.

The last two times I have gone which was a while back I got creeped on but even before that stores were hard.

I get completely overwhelmed even if I have music playing. It's jarring and scary and there too many people and colors and I always have to look at everything and I never feel at ease or safe in the grocery store.

Like Aldi SHOULD be the best store for someone like me to get groceries in but it's just as bad as bigger flashier stores.

I used to have social anxiety but I could really give a fuck less about the grocery store NPCS now except the creepy men. Literally almost every time no fail a creepy man has come up to me while I have headphones in and either sexually harassed me or just straight up is rude or weird at me.

Dad thinks I'm paranoid abt it. Dad has never been harassed by men in public places. He is not there with me when I go places and he doesn't experience it.

Shopping with mom is chaos.

Travis helps when he can.

But no one enjoys shopping with me because despite me trying to turn it into an adventure it's not one for them as I gotta shop in a certain way where I gotta look at every row so I don't forget.

-----------

Today I was able to autopilot to the big Asian markets and it was 3x as expensive as it used to because the cost of living definitely went up again.

I am so goddamn stressed.

I am so goddamn mad.

I didn't get everything I needed.

I can't fucking function like I used to and I'm mad about it and there's not a goddamn thing I can do but stay in hypervigiliant frozen mode.

Because guess what.

I'm not getting to move.

That was BULLSHIT

Even though my doctor is very worried about me.

A grippy sock vacation ain't gonna help shit.

I can't relax. If I don't smoke for pain then I can't do ANYTHING

Grocery shopping has me in bed from one store.

I needed to go 4 places.

I don't have people bandwidth at all.

I can't deal with loud noises at random.

I'm completely overstimulated and hypervigiliant and allllll my other problems are set off.

I know what would fix it all but there's no way to do it.

I'm about to literally ask someone to start taking pictures and manage a fucking onlyfans for me but I REALLY don't want to resort to that. I don't understand how others do it confidently and just sell themselves and it likely wouldn't be good for my cptsd traumas either

How the hell does dad expect me to switch to a phone plan and try to adjust a budget that can't budge

This is fucked.

I also really don't feel like I was advocated for enough or understood and I'm still mad that people keep making assumptions about me.

Why the fuck is it that the shittiest people get away with thier bullshit and me who tries so hard to do good because I want to and I'm not a psychopath gets like the shit end of everything

It really does bother me that people don't take the time to know me.

There was no reset. I'm still getting treated like shit.

There's not going to be a place to move.

I am probably going to lose my temper and get evicted though because I'm so fucking sick of my goddamn rude neighbors.

I can't calm down.

I have been trying to relax and have fun and do things but I can't fucking go outside without a serious panic attack now. WHYYYYY

I'm so angry. You have NO IDEA what the chronic pain I deal with feels like. People fucking judge me because I don't use a mobility device they can't see the pain issue.

They don't fucking care.

I don't even think my partner gives a shit about me.

I'm so sick of people.

I'm fucking sick of crying and asking for help.

I'm so sick of being sick.

I'm so tired of people saying they care and not showing up.

Fuck them.

I understand them. I really do. And I help the best I can.

But people don't even want to be around me and I'm not doing anything wrong.

I didn't mind that you picked my dad to go back first but I don't like the fact that he decided he was going to keep what he told you a secret from me that's not cool when it has to do with my fucking treatment

So now I'm just sitting around trying to figure out what the hell my father told you because he's done this shit before while I was in the ER and I got treated like shit because he went and took the Doctor out in the hallway and told them a bunch of shit that was not true and he's done that multiple times with other therapists privately so I would not like him to see you separately from me ever again in Session please.

I thought it would be okay and I fucked up I should have just chosen both of us to go back at the same time and now I don't know what's going on and he's being weird and secretive

And his presence in that room was completely fake and I was so fucking pissed off because you didn't notice that as far as I was aware

And I'm not mad at you I'm just mad at the fact that he pulled bullshit on you and I just sat there quietly and tried to observe the best I could and then you made the assumption that I checked out and I just had a thought in my head that needed to come out or I was going to end up interrupting and making it worse and

Then after that is probably where I checked out because I was so pissed off about the assumption and it felt like I was having things that I already understand explained to me and it felt like I was running out of time to discuss things that I did need to talk to him about that were important to me in a safe space and then you told me to go talk to him outside and that Did not go well

He yelled at me in the parking lot

Completely took his little bullshit mask off and treated me like shit and he'll deny it next time

Yes I would love to be financially away from everybody and making my own money and able to work but right now I definitely fucking cannot

I don't even know how to do under the table sit without feeling horribly guilty or fucking it up and be my SSI taken away

How am I supposed to play for a fucking phone plan if I can't even pay for Normal healthy Groceries and I couldn't even get all of my Normal healthy Groceries today and I Try to budget so hard and I'm so Bad at math and I've NeVER had a diagnosis of math dyslexia but I can't pass AGED because of that so I can't fucking Go get a degree and anything that might make me be able to make some damn good Money

And then everybody is like well why don't you sell your art but I can't fucking sell my art if I'm not fucking interested in doing it because I'm too stressed out and I have no muse

They just think I can turn things out like a magician or some shit

I don't know what I want to do or what I can do

I think it's pretty fucking unreasonable to expect me to be financially independent so quickly when I have about a million other things I need to work on that doesn't have to do with my parents

Then yes they are big fat triggers and not in the pop culture sense in the clinical sense

I have tons of clinical PTSD triggers and some of them I don't even know what they are but cause I will just be sitting around and all of the sudden I will be having APTSD episode and it sucks

And then I have autistic meltdowns which also suck

And then I have anxiety and panic attacks going on

And then my fucking OCD is driving me insane and I keep repeating myself to the point where I can't remember what's going on presently and I just I'm stuck in this loop of trauma in my brain

And my ADHD is pretty much making all of this worse and I don't know what to do about that

My executive dysfunction is completely out of control. I can do basic things and sometimes force myself to leave the house but I have to have someone with me or on the phone with me to go places and I don't like that I don't like that I'm getting overwhelmed over the dumbest shit

My distress tolerance is broken right now

Also I really need to get laid and I don't know what to do about that and I'm not a one night stand person and my life feels like it's in fucking shambles and I feel like you know maybe some intimacy in an orgasm might fucking fix some of it but I can't even socialize normally enough to get someone to interested in me and I don't even know what I'm doing

Every fucking relationship I've ever had has been some awful fucking man who has used me and treated like shit and cheated on me and almost put me risk for diseases and shit like that

And then the other man that had been intimate with me it was not consensual it was fucking rape it was fucking assault and I can't do anything about that either because I can't prove any of it

And everybody I'm interested in fucking wants a kid and I can't give them kids

And it really sucks to see every person that you've had a crush on or have been in love with meet the love of their life and have kids and have a big happy little family and post all their shit online meanwhile I'm over hereFucking failing at everything

And I'm so tired of people asking me how I'm doing how am I doing I'm rotting in my bed half the time. And the other half of the time I'm just trying to keep it together.

I used to not be like this I don't know what triggered me to be like this I don't know what it was I just wanted to stop.

I mean my whole life has just been nothing but like passive neglectful parenting but also the helicopter parent parenting and that fucked me up and then you know getting molested and being part of pedophilia shit when I was 2 years old really didn't help anything about my development and then my parents just didn't fucking know what they were doing at all and really screwed me up and they didn't care that they screwed me up and oh why is our child doing these major red flags let's just stick her in therapy and tell everybody that she just has an attitude problem and she's a difficult child that'll fix her let's just stick her in therapy and put her on medicine at 12 years old and put her on All these meds till she finally loses her shit because one of them is causing her to lose her shit and then let's send her to a psychfacility that ruins her brain with medications that she was not supposed to get and then let's not help her Sue the psychfacility that really fucked up and broke so many hippa laws.

I don't know what to do anymore

I don't know how to get people to understand me in any way

I feel like I got dropped in another country where no one speaks my language

Everybody is like oh you should join the butt club oh you should just go socialize with people and I don't know how and I don't know how to act and everybody seems to not want to be around me and it's embarrassing

I mean it's not like I didn't hear the people at the metal show talk about how fucking weird I was within earshot and I just ignored it and went on with talking to people that were nice and then I came home and then I cried

Because I'm almost fucking 40 years old I'm almost there and people are still bullies I'm still getting bullied

I don't know the sweet spot that I'm supposed to be in I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do I don't know how to be assertive because my assertive sounds like me being a bitch and then me being nice sounds fake to people and then me being mean is like totally too scary for people and I don't know what to do I don't even know how to dress myself in cute outfits that actually look good but I can do that for other people

I can't get my shit done but I can help other people get their shit done I don't know why my brain needs some sort of loophole but it does

And when I was on medicine for ATHD it wasn't exactly the best time but I was able to function way better than this

I miss being a teenager where I didn't care about how stressful going to a store was or what sort of dumb shit I was getting into like how do I kill the part of my brain that grew up and made me scared of everything

I should not be this stressed out and this worried about my life when I have a heart condition as far as I'm aware that could kill me at any point in time just because it didn't beat correctly

I don't understand why I can't be beautiful and free like my other friends and do sex work or take pretty pictures and not worry about what people think

I wish I could just start over if I can't go Zack and I don't know how to move forward anymore I just feel stuck in this present moment that this doesn't go anywhere

And I can try religious practice but that's not even fulfilling to me anymore right now

And I thought about fostering a dog but then I remembered that I'm in a lot of pain and I was disassociating from that and there's no way that I'll be able to walk by the end of the week if I go and bring a dog home to socialize it and distract myself from everything

I've been really upset because I would love to go to New Orleans to all these events that all my friends go to and be a part of a friend group who fucking cares about me and I can't

I can't see very well to drive at night and I miss out on so much stuff and I cannot afford to Uber there

And I'm sure that Justin would just love for me to come running back because he would take me places and he would take care of me and he would take control but I don't want another fucking man controlling me

And the way I speak is not to mean that I'm trying to be controlling I don't think like that

And I wish people would ask me how I'm feeling and how I'm doing and quit making assumptions about it

I'm not talking about strangers I'm talking about people who know better

And no one owes me anything no 1 has to do anything but it would be really nice if my family would actually learn about what I'm going through

Instead of giving them excuses to tell me to fuck off even more

I feel so isolated and alone and I didn't do it to myself

And I don't have any motivation to do anything and I'm not even de press that's the kicker I don't feel depressed I'm just angry and sad

I miss my old psychiatrist

I miss my dead friends

I miss my grandparents

I miss the moment to my life where I felt free

I miss being loved

And why is it that my sister gets treated so much better than me but also everybody neglects her and when I try to help her she acts like a bitch and I basically raised her ass because my parents didn't teach her a lot I had to and they get mad at me about this but it's their own fucking fault they didn't have any place adopting another child when I was 15 and I needed them most

I fucking lied to the social worker who told me it was all on me whether or not they got a baby

Because they went and took all of the hoarding mess out of the house and put it in a storage unit or something like that and hit it from the social worker

And then they put it all back in the house and they let the dogs piss and shit all over the carpet and I had my cat who never did any of that and then we got more cats and nobody took care of the litter boxes except for me and my dad sometimes

And then as I got older after my mom and sister moved out everything got worse because there's still stuff from my mom after they got divorced in the house and my dad is just letting my sister have it and I can't even get to my stuff and the stuff that my sister has gotten to that's mine she has stolen and I haven't been able to bring anything into this apartment from that house because it smells like pure cat piss ammonia because my dad never got the carpet or the house treated when he could have when he could have afforded it he sat around and acted like a depressed fucking asshole and refused to get help and abuse everybody around him And he has been abusiveIt's awful to me and my mother and even my sister now since I was a child since before I was even born he has been abusive

But that's what happens when your parents don't even date for an entire year and then decide to get married

I wish I wasn't fucking born

I cannot wait to get old and pass away of whatever the fuck

I'm tired of this shit and that above is intrusive thoughts don't you dare put me in a grippy sock land it's basically diet prison and I have severe trauma from it.

I know that people say they care but I don't actually know if they care

Because people will say well if I didn't care then I wouldn't do this they say that I've heard it a million times and then they turned around and stabbed me in the back

I don't know how to fit in with other people and I'm tired of trying I've tried my entire life and I've been rejected so much

Like people don't understand that my entire life has basically been punishment that's all I can remember is just bad things happening

I don't really remember anything good for very long

My brain is so much in flare up that I can't even remember covers scissors I've had with people I really love

But I don't even think that people I really love even care about me anymore

I feel like everyone is just sick of me

Don't feel like I ever got a chance

You don't feel like I got to live my life ever and I don't feel like I'm living it now

My heart feels fucking broken all the time

It feels like a gaping wound

I wish I could just go to like the fucking Mayo clinic and get all of my health stuff figured the fuck out. I don't want to see any more doctors I'm so tired of seeing doctors. I'm so tired of medical shit. I haven't even gotten to sit and read and really actually enjoyed my special medical interest. And having a special interest is kind of like a thing for me and I don't have any interest right now

I have lots of ideas of things I could possibly do or just things to do but I can't execute any of them I can't even get the dishes clean I can't get my room organized for longer than a month or even a week

I can't get this place cleaned up and organized enough to have people over to have a social life of any form

I just want to leave I want to just get in my car fill it with gas and drive in whatever direction and then when the car runs out of gas or explodes or I run out of money I don't know that's what I've been feeling like doing for a long time just running the fuck away from everything

But I can't because it's hell just trying to leave my apartment

I've been wanting to play it's a garden all fucking Spring and summer and I can't even afford to Go get Plants or seeds I can't Work It in my budget to do a garden other than the stupid onions and the aloe plant that I have growing and it's upsetting because like I would love to have something hobby wise to do but I can't Find anything I enjoy I have a million activities that I have bought Myself and I have 0 interest in doing any of them I have interest in doing things I Don't own but I can't do those things Or I would be trying to

I need to join a gym but I don't want anybody bothering me about my weight or talking to me about it but I can't fit in my budget

And no my budget is notebook or a ledger or anything like that it's just I stare at my bank account and I think about how much this thing costs and if it's necessary for me to live or if I can live without it so I can have enough money for the rest of the month and have some reserve emergency money in case one of my therapy cats gets sick

It's speaking of cats my fucking father and sister neglected the cat that I had to take care of that was fucking miserable the entire time that my dad basically forced her to be alive for a few more months on steroids that we're eventually going to kill her and then I finally convinced him it was time to let her go because she's like 19 and miserable and she was not happy and I spoiled her and gave her as much love and attention as I could and I neglected my social life and everything And then I had to use an ice her at the vet I had to be there I had to have Travis and my mom show up because my dad even thoughHe could have driven down the street and faced what he didThe fucking neglect he put that cat through and the work I had to do to just get her Fur clean. They had to cut her nails out of her foot pads. I could seriously stringle him and my sister for promising to take care of her when I notice signs of neglect and then they fucking didn't

And then they both have the audacity to get mad at me for taking over

And there's another cat that I very much need to go rescue and either rehome or keep with me because he's terrified and he pees and poops everywhere because no one gives him the kind of litter and litter box he needs and he probably has a medical condition of some form or a urinary tract infaction and he needs help and it makes me mad because he should be very healthy and happy and getting love And I am so close to calling animal control on my own family

And my mom my mom keeps a big giant dog in a cage that's probably way too fucking small for him all day until she can get at home to let him out to pee which is cruel

That dog was actually supposed to be mine but she took him and she gave him to alcoholic man and now she says that he's hers and the dog has bitten several people and she's just not getting it trained at all and I hate the way that they treat animals like accessories and alarm systems

I mean I fucking volunteer for the animal shelter and foster because I don't want animals to go to awful ass people

Not only did I experience hoarding when I grew up I experienced animal hoarding

You know what interest that I have that I want to do that it's driving me insane

I want to ride horses again and I can't

I way too much and I can't lose the fucking weight because my metabolism is fucking broken right now probably because of stress and the hypothyroidism that my interchronologist will not treat me for because he's a dumb fuck and I'm angry as hell

I understand that people do a lot of things they don't want to do to earn money and that's been mentioned to me before that people think I just don't wantna work or something and it's like no I do want to work I would probably be better at a lot of people's jobs than they are but currently I'm not in the correct state of mind or physical state to do any of this and it drives me nuts because my brain is going a million fucking miles an hour and I'm not manic This is just how it is

Didn't even go get a fucking tattoo like other people do when they are just trying to deal with stress

I don't even feel like I fit in with anybody or anywhere

I mean that's been my entire life

I don't even know who I would be or if I could even build a character and then act like that like everybody else seems to do

Because people who are neurotypical all look and act like they're sticking to this unspoken script and I feel like an outsider observing them being like WTF WHY DID THAT TAKE 8 STEPS IT COULD HAVE BEEN 2. Or WHY DO YALL JUST ASSUME SHIT AND HAVE CONVERSATIONS THAT MAKE NO SENSE like Why do people ask how other people are doing if they don't want to really know why is it that we have to just go oh just living the dream I'm fine why can't I just tell people what's actually going on why is this a thing I don't understand

I'm also terrified that people are trying to make me somebody I'm not that I probably could never be like

It feels like accounts of people who have gone through gay conversion therapy and shit

Like you can't make a neurodiverget person neurotypical it doesn't work that way and I get so tired of people trying to force neurotypical ideas Unto people who don't think that way

I don't know how to explain this to people anymore I just feel like I'm repeating myself over and over and over and over again and I might as well talk to a fucking brick wall because that might be more intelligent than people just fucking ignoring what I'm saying

I would love to be able to go outside right now in the dark and go on a walk by myself unarmed without having to worry but no I can't do that because shit is dangerous and I'm too scared to leave my apartment half the time

I'm exhausted I'm absolutely exhausted and so fucking mad

And I'm tired of being mad I'm tired of being resilient I'm tired of being everything that I'm not and not knowing who I am

I'm tired of trying to fit in and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere I don't even feel like I'm the logger I feel like it was a mistake that I was born

I want to talk to my schizophrenic uncle so bad and nobody understands everybody thinks that I'm going to ruin his progress or whatever and to leave him alone but he doesn't think of me that way he doesn't think that I'm a bad person that's out to get him or anything like that I've been the only person in his life and he's been the only person in my life that actually understands what I go through And I understand all the shit he went through if he's even still identifying as male because my dad gave me some sort of hint that he was in Transition but I don't know that for sure because no one will talk to me about it and I'm mad as hell and if I knew where he lived I would call him and I would drive there and visit him for a weekend if I could afford it

You know I get tired of this being there for myself all the time

I have been alone a lot of my life I have been isolated and abused and alone constantly and the only piece I get is from now until like 5 AM in the morning I get quiet and peace if there's not some crazy ass shit happening outside of my apartment in the middle of the night

When I set next to my dad on the sofa I could feel his energy I could tell that he wanted to jump across that sofa and hurt me and I could feel it I know that his body language might not have said that but he knows how to do body language and all this other stuff because he doesn't want to get caught and get in trouble

Like you have no idea how manipulative both of my parents are and they say they love me and they care about me but why did they do everything they did to me then and why do they continue to treat me like shit and why do I still love them and feel like I have to fucking make them happy and help them and do all these things that everybody else does for their parents but their parents aren't psychos

And I don't care if my language sounds combative or defensive right now I don't give a single shit

Maybe people should have thought before they fucking spoke

Maybe people shouldn't have molested me or raped me or held a gun to my head or hurt me or made me strip to check me for hickeys and then denied doing it and then admitted to doing it and then denied it again and then admitted and then denied and then said that they didn't remember it all maybe it was super inappropriate for my father to sleep in the bed with me growing up and I don't know if he ever did anything to me or not because I don't really remember much but him and my mother fighting all the time

It was super fucking inappropriate for my mother's father to fucking molest me

Was super fucking inappropriate for everybody to just tell me to get over it because he was drunk

It was super fucking fucked up that I had to be at his funeral

If he had a grave in the ground I would go and piss on it Unfortunately he's in a mausoleum and I can't do anything about that

I can't do anything about the people that raped and attacked me when I was a teenager

I can't do anything about the men that walk past and grope me

I can't do anything about fuck all

Because nobody believes women not until it happens to them do they believe you or even worse they don't believe you and it happens to them and your story is still not important

I had teachers tell me that I was going to go nowhere in life and completely fail at everything

Just because they got annoyed with me Because I didn't understand stuff

Not even just one teacher I had another 1 that literally had me screaming crying shaking under a fucking water fountain when I was in elementary school because she just wouldn't leave me alone because I went to the library during lunch too much and she wanted me to go outside and get some sun and I was not supposed to be in the Sun because of medication I was on and I flipped out at her and I cursed her out and I flashed out and all I remember is My home room teacher coming out and telling the other teacher to back off and leave me alone and even she had to sit with me for a while and I wasn't very nice to her in reactionAnd she's dead now and I don't even remember what her name was but she was the only teacher in school the meeting was that everybody thought was awful to understand that I was having problems at home and she could do anything about it

Every close friend I have ever had has left me behind for other people or died

My father hit me in the face and broke my fucking nose in high school that's why my nose is crooked and I had blood shooting out of it right and my mom didn't call the cops because she didn't see it happened and I got told that everybody would lose their jobs and we would lose the house if I called the police

And I went to school with 2 black eyes because that's what happens when your nose gets hit 13 times your eyes get blocked as well

And I told my teachers you were mandated reporters and I told my friends and I begged for help and no one did anything

No one has ever done anything no 1 has taken care of the problem I've tried I've tried so hard to make everybody stop hurting me

just keep hurting me they just keep hurting me in every way that they can

It's not fair and I know life isn't fair but shouldn't it be just a tidy bit fair it seems to be fair for people that have the money for it to be fair it seems to be fair for people who have well-adjusted families it seems to be fair for people who don't have auto immune disorders

And you know it's probably because of abuse and stress I had as a child that I even developed an auto immune disorder it might never have been triggered but we don't know I can't prove that

And I don't understand why my parents think I'm trying to control them what do I have to gain what do I have to gain from trying to just control them to the point that they act paranoid like I'm gonna ruin their lives or something

I don't understand that I don't understand why they even think that I think that way

My parents fucking think that I have like this evil mindset when they're mad at me they're just like you think this and you think that and you this and you that just gasliding the fuck out of me

And they just act like overgrown children and they act like they have different personalities themselves

And I hate this I fucking hate it

Why was there no Justice for my father hurting me and I got a legitimate injury from that

Why was there no Justice for my sister's bullshit and hurt attacking me and starting the whole thing to where he got up and hurt me

He could think he said he could think and he was fine and then he used the excuse that he was fucked up on meds after he did it and then he apologized to me on text but then several minutes later called my mother and told her that I was a psycho and all this other bullshit crap

They fucking talk out of both sides of their mouths and they talk about me behind my back and they trash me and I know that because my sister has listened to it and I have also caught my sister trash talking me and I don't understand I'm not a bad person I don't do horrible shit to people

I fucking could

Nobody understands that I could ruin people's lives I know everybody's secrets because they all tell me their secret bullshit

Do you know how much powerful information I have about almost everyone I know and even acquaintances and even random people who run the state people who are prominent lawyers people who are billionaires people who live in other countries who are important I know lots of things about all these people because they confided in me about really fucked app shit they did and I'm really good generally at keeping secrets and I could fuck everybody's world up and I choose not to

But I'm getting very tired of being nice

But being mean really isn't fulfilling to me

And everybody is like you should be meaner you should be more assertive you should be a bitch and I'm like no you know I would rather not

I mean I've tried to build my own character to understand myself and explain myself to myself which is such a mind fuck because how am I talking to myself when I'm my brain

I mean why does any of this matter the universe isn't even locally real and I understand what that means and that's pretty wild and I don't think anybody else thinks about shit like that and understands the gravity of everything

And I don't care how insane my journal writing looks I just I don't give a fuck you're getting unfiltered brain thoughts because I've got thousands of them just buzzing around in my head and it doesn't shut up until I can have medicine for my ADHD and then I get complete silence or if I smoke enough weed my brain shuts up and I just have stoner thoughts

I'll give you a stoner thought I had the other day

For instance why in the world canfellen's not own guns but a felon could become president and have nuclear launch codes is it that like you know the biggest gun of all

What the fuck is wrong with this world

Sometimes I feel like I was just a soul that was happy on the other side and got shot into a body and shot down the Earth and born and I don't feel like I belong here at all

I mean it would be great if a medicine would solve all of my problems but I've been on everything we've ruled out every fucking diagnosis except for a associative disorder of some form or a personality disorder not specified because I'm not BPD

BPD is what I was diagnosed at before they figured out I had complex PTSD and BPD is a bullshit umbrella diagnosis that they give women who are hystericalProbably just have complex PTSD and poor emotional regulation and they just have it learned to fix that but they're being treated for something they don't even have so of course the therapies not going to work and they're not going to get better

EMDR helped me but I was always furious after the sessions

I was mad because of the injustice

And I don't like therapists that are super hard on me because I'm really hard on myself and I need someone to be gentle and handle me with fucking kid gloves because that's what I respond to I respond to gentle

I don't respond to patronizing gentle bullshit or being chided or I don't even know how to describe it it's a certain way that every single therapist acts when they think they have you pinned for whatever but it's wrong and you know that they're wrong but they don't think they're wrongI don't know how to explain it at all

I'm really pissed off that I went non verbal

I really hate getting that way

But everything gets so fucking overwhelming

And I just shut down completely

And I can't remember things that people tell me and I can't even make a grocery list today I made a fucking grocery list and I left it at home because I auto piloted myself to the Asian supermarket to get groceries there why I don't fucking know I just did

I mean I got stuff but it cost almost $200 and it wasn't even that much food

I don't even need that much and everybody thinks that I'm lying about that because I'm a big girl but my metabolism is wrecked I had to be on steroids for a large portion of my life

Steroids fucked with everything but it was the only thing that was going to keep me alive and make me build muscle because I don't think you understand that you're mad at my aside as eats peoples muscles your immune system starts to just Nibble away your muscles till they're almost fucking gone

I could not walk

I had to learn to walk again I had to go to speech therapy I had to go to therapy to be able to use my Hands and move in general

I have been through every sort of physical therapy that exists

I've been into huge scary fucked medical studies that Ted Kennedy ran at NIH or he funded it

That's really weird I'm still bothered by that I'm always going to be bothered by that I want my fucking files from all of that I want to know what the hell they did to me

You know I look at pictures of my brain on disks because I've had so many Mr i's and I notice things and I'm not a radiologist so I cannot diagnose myself but there's a lot of stuff if I look at that and then I look at a normal brain it doesn't look right

Like the middle part of the brain that sort of looks like a butterfly and looks like a big empty space yeah mine is huge and not connected in the middle correctly like I'll have to show you it's weird

And I have asked doctors about this and they're like oh sometimes people just have that or people with schizophrenia have that and I'm like oh great wonderful

I don't want another goddamn diagnosis of something that's gonna be on my chart and have doctors be like oh my God what the fuck but I also do want to know what the hell is going on so at least I am aware

And Doctor Todd used to tell me that I was too smart and that I was too observant and that other people didn't like that and were not gonna respond well to me and we're gonna act threatened and he explained all this to me he explained how my life would be if I continued to just be myself if I didn't figure out a way to just act differently and settle with some guy that I could tolerate in order to just get the hell away from my parents because he knew what was going on with meAnd he knew that I am so handicapped that I would need a fucking safety net of money in case me trying to sell art or whatever it is I wanna do failed

And he asked about me what is death bed

And it hurts because I feel like he cared about me more than my own family ever did

I feel like I'm just a giant fucking burden to everybody

And I hate this time of year because I don't know what happened to me this time of year because the body keeps the score and so does parts of the brain and from this point in time till my birthday I am a wreck every fucking year and I don't want to be but I am it's just every year this happens

Every year I just get more and more and more stressed out than closer I get to Birthday

And then most people forget my birthday or they do something shitty

And I just want to celebrate my birthday and have a nice party and it's important to me and people are like why don't you just have a normal day I don't do anything for my birthday well you know you didn't have to fucking fights to survive

That's why I celebrate my birthday because I am still alive

And there's lots of people out there that have succumbed to the PTSD and not made it out alive and I am still here

I don't want to be here but I'm still fucking here

I hate it here I wish that aliens would come and abduct me and take me far far away

I don't care if it sounds stupid I don't feel like I belong here I don't feel like a person

I just feel like I'm a mirror or a masking and then I don't know What I am or who I am when I'm not doing that I have an extremely poor sense of self and I don't know how to wrap my brain around creating my own ideas of myself and describing myself to other peoples it's a nightmare

I mean I'm still trying to get the diagnosis of BPD removed from our lady of the leg's records

I'm not even changing that that one's funny that typo is funny

I'm sitting here yelling at my phone crying and that was ridiculous

I mean is there such thing as being too smart and aware and logical or whatever is there such a thing is that what is ruining my life and I just over analyzing everything in my worrying too much what the fuck is it that I'm doing that I'm not in control of because it seems like there's something neurologically going on that no one has been able to figure out

And I haven't been able to see the kind of specialist I would need to see to figure that out

I do know that my dad's side of the family has a history of really weird mental issues and not schizophrenic disorder or it's a frontier like my uncle has that one's just out of the ballpark popped out of nowhere because my grandmother and her son of the family didn't have issues like that and neither did my father's side that I'm aware of but it seems to be like there's been a lot of cluster b type disorders

And then on my mom's side there's a lot of cluster b type disorders that nobody will admit to having but it's blatantly obvious

But I had an uncle a great uncle and he had some sort of mental issue and he died early because ofbut and I don't know how or why or what that was about but nobody talks about it

And that's another thing I take issue within the South growing up here being native to hear everybody doesn't want to talk about anything everybody wants to sweep it under the rug and not look at it no one wants to look at what's wrong everybody just wants to Push the weaker people out of the way or the threat out of the way and carry on with their lives like nothing is even going on no one wants to deal with it

And when I was growing up on one side of the family I was to be seen and not heard and that was dad's side of the family and on the other side of the family I was encouraged to do art and to dance and put on a show for everybody

And it was not good for me

And I missed my grandmother's I wish they were still alive I would go live with one of them

Because they understood me they knew they fucking knew that my parents were fucking insane and they tried to talk to my parents and they tried to tell my parents to stop being awful to me and my parents didn't listen because my parents had grudges against their parents so of course they're not gonna listen

My dad before I had my diagnosis where I had my diagnosis and all the people that were adults in my life before I had a diagnosis of the dramatic site as used to tell me that I was just faking it for attention and that I was a liar and being called a liar is one of the biggest triggers I have because I'm not a fucking liar if I want to lie I will but I don't lie like that I have a hard time lying about 99% of things and sometimes my brain makes an exception depending on the predicament and if it's for survival or something

Also on my dad's side of the family there's lots of gay people and it was all covered up my father even experimented in college and everything and I had to hear about that as a child my mom would get angry and just shit talking to me

They should have never gotten married they should have never had me I should exist and I don't mean that in a suicidal way I just I don't belong here

I really just don't feel like I belong here and it's not in a depressed way or I want to die sort of way even though those are interesting thoughts I get sometimes but it's not like anything I experience experience usually

I just feel not human

I feel like I'm in the wrong body all the time like how did I get here why am I in this body

Sometimes I'm like who is this bitch and her family why am I here sometimes I just want to be a little kid and buy toys for myself and stuff and I can't do that cause I can't afford it isn't I get really sad because I have adult money and I should be able to use it for whatever I want and sometimes I remember I have free will and I think about going and just buying an entire birthday cake for myself when it's not even my birthday but I never do that because why it cost you fucking much

There's a lot of typos that say you when they should say other words and I'm not going to fix that I hope that you can understand it because I've done it too many times through Text-to-speech because I can't type as fast as my brain and mouth go

I just I want to go home and I used to repeat that Uber and Uber and Uber when I was young and upset when my parents would be screaming at 1 another I would stick my head between the couch cushions and I would scream for them to stop and I would repeat I want to go home and I would Rock back-and-forth and I would tell them to stop and I would plead with them to stop and they would tell me to fuck off and go to my room and I would sneak out of my room and stand at the hall door and peak and watch them argue because I was terrified that they were going to kill each other

The things that I heard my parents say 21 another growing up is nothing anybody should hear at the age

One thing that my mom used to say as a funny story is that 1 day I was like a little tiny kid and 1 of the first things I said was you old buzzard because my mom was calling my dad a bastard

I mean I don't see how that's funny at all

I don't think it's very funny that some strange man at 1 of their little Christmas parties at 1 of their little friend's houses made me put my mouth on his Dick when I was a tiny child unless that happened somewhere else

I don't think it's too awesome that I was locked in a closet and my mom found a whole bunch of kids wandering around with no adult and me locked into closet gasping for air under a pile of pillows

And those were the same people that did things to me and I can't prove it because she took me to the Doctor to get me checked out and there was no sign of it but I remember it It's something that I can't talk about in detail it's very foggy but I remember things I remember strange men I was 2 years old

And I was secretly hyper sexual growing up as well and it was shamed for it just a point where I was scared to touch myself and then I became hypersexual again when I went to elementary school probably about middle school and it was weird

And then I was not exactly hypersexual in the fact that I would have sex with everybody and any of these instances but in high school was a thing where I would flirt with entirely to many people and full around with people and get myself in situations where bad things happened to me and I guess that's not really my fault that's just the fault of the other people and the adult that was supposed to be watching us

One reason me and Justin didn't work out is because he was the first person that ever went down on me and I was like 15 or 16 years old and the friend's mom who was there encouraged us to go do that she encouraged me to suck another guy's Dick once and sat there and watched

She would take her giant fat tits and lift up her shirt and press her tits against the window when she would like get out of the car right before she would undo child lock and let all of us out of the car because she thought it was funny she was the most inappropriate adult she would make us bring 20 bucks for pizza and then buy us whatever alcohol we wanted if we gave her the money so she could buy herself a carton of cigarettes And then get us like one pizza to share it was fucked up and I should have been out there hanging out with Travis and all the other people on Carlotta street instead of hanging out In a grown adult's home with people who I thought were my friends who were just taking advantage of me

And the thing is my parents thought it was safer for me to be with the person that had their mom

Instead of hanging out with a bunch of people my own age who were just moving out and living on their own and going to college while I was maybe a little bit younger but should have already graduated

I mean I couldn't get homework done because I was always in fight or flight or freeze at home because my parents would be arguing and then I wouldn't be able to sleep and I can't tell you how many medicines and drugs that doctors tried on me to fix me because my parents were unhappy with me I mean it's possible it's completely fucked my brain up and it's not repairable I don't know I'll probably never know I don't know how much can be fixed in how much I am capable of and how much I'm just not capable of

I've never had official testing done for my autism other than doctors going yep you seem to be autistic and it makes sense to me and I think self-diagnosis is pretty fucking valid but I don't know where I am on the scale or range or spectrum I don't I don't know all I know is I have an easy time doing a lot of things in a very very hard time doing other things that should be easy

And I have an easy time helping other people but I have a very hard time helping myself or getting help for myself but I have 0 issues trying to help other people if I have the bandwidth

I mean I don't even feel like I was born to be a daughter and be treated like a daughter I just feel like I was born to be an accessory and then they got bored with me and I didn't grow up and turn into what they wanted and now everybody resents me and tells me what's wrong with me and I have to fix myself but they can't be held accountable for their bullshit and they don't do anything about it they say that they're gonna hold themselves accountable but then they never do anything about it they apologize but they never show me any changes

So why should I be nice to them why should I care why should I even try

Because they pay for my apartment in my phone and my internet and various things

I don't feel like I owe them anything

They've done enough to me

They've isolated me enough I mean I don't know what else they want that they want to lock me up in some long-term facility so they don't have to talk to me or deal with me I mean what the fuck

What do they want to put me in a little studio apartment and then just disown me

It's just fucking I don't know how to explain this

I'm not a spoiled rotten brat I have never asked for all the tremendous amounts of things that my parents have decided to just give me I don't like surprises it actually throws me off big time and I have giant freaks freakouts

Like absolute meltdowns and people always thought that I was having like a spoiled brat tantrum but no it's just I don't do well with changes I don't like changes at all I have things that I'm used to and ways that I do things and I don't like it when people try to control me And the thing is they do they try to control everything they dread a micro manage me and that happened to me my entire life and I don't want anybody coming near me anymore

And they have successfully fucked me up all of this has fucked me up every bad fucked up thing that has happened to me has ruined me

I don't know if I am able to be helped anymore

I don't feel like I belong here.

I want to go home.

I just want home.

I keep thinking I've found home and it's a lie

[marshmallowprotection]

any thoughts on jumin with a blue collar manual labor gf? i do a lot of farm work that i wouldnt necessarily give up just for a rich husband, and i always find it kinda funny when he's showering mc in game with lipsticks and dresses and perfumes and jewelry, meanwhile my rl body watching it happen is almost always sweaty and dirty and sunscreened uP

I'd have pretty rare use for the finer things, but i wouldn't mind a little regular physio slot, as a treat XD

I don’t see Jumin taking any issue with that. If you're the kind of person that likes to get your hands dirty, then you should feel like you can keep doing that no matter what. He would never ask you to do something that you don't want to do. He would never ask you to wear something that you would never wear. If you don't like glitz and glamor, you don't have to like it for him. The only reason why he leans that way is because he's working on the assumption that you might like those things.

If you tell him otherwise, then he's going to adjust and adapt accordingly. He is a reasonable person and it's not hard for him to be swayed as long as he knows what he needs to know. If you don't tell him, then he's never going to know. He can pick up on context clues and figure stuff out, but it's better for you to just tell him outright. He is the king of conversations after all. Talk to him. That’s his main love language. Being able to talk to you for hours is what makes him happiest, it has always been that way.

So, get dirty, enjoy your hard work, and let Jumin support you in whatever way feels comfortable. It's not like he's adverse to physical labor. It might sound a little silly to say but he could be a great help as long as you direct him the appropriate way. He’s worked on his grape farm before. Sure, it wasn’t a lot of hard labor, but he’s been there and he’s taken the time to learn the craft. In his eyes, everything is important when it comes to a task. You need to understand all of the pieces that come together to make it work. You need to know the top to the bottom. The smallest worker to the largest worker, for example.

So, yes, Jumin loves you all the same if you’re covered in mud or if you prefer a shower of rhinestones. He'll support you either way. You don't have to be afraid of him thinking differently of you. He won't. You are already the most important person in his life. 

[defnot-ocean]

"A Rollercoaster Ride from Childhood to Adulthood"

Hey there! It's me, Ocean. I'm 18 years old now, but it feels like just yesterday I was a little kid, running around, playing with my friends, and having the time of my life. Back then, I thought life was all about fun and games, but now I know it's much more than that.

Growing up, life was like a big playground. Every day was a new adventure waiting to be explored. I remember the days of playing hide and seek, bahay-bahayan, and all those other fun games. The hardest decision I had to make was choosing between to sleep during afternoon or go out and play. Life was simple, and happiness was found in the smallest things.

My friends and I would spend hours exploring our neighborhood, creating our own imaginary worlds, and making memories that I still cherish today. Our laughter echoed through the streets, a testament to our carefree and joyful spirits. Those were the days when happiness was found in the smallest of things, and every day brought with it a new opportunity to learn and grow.

But as I grew older, I realized that life wasn't just about playing games and having fun. The world wasn't just a playground anymore. It was more like a big puzzle that I had to figure out. Things started to change, Imean, life itself started to change.

Now that I'm 18, life has become a bit more complicated and demanding. There are responsibilities and expectations that I need to meet. Schoolwork has become more challenging, and there are times when I feel overwhelmed by all the things I need to do. Sometimes, I feel really tired and wish I could go back to the carefree days of my childhood. But I know that's not possible. I have to face the challenges and keep moving forward.

Even though life can be tough sometimes, I've learned that it's all part of growing up. Sure, I miss the old days when everything was simple and fun. But I'm also excited about what the future holds. I know there will be hard times, but I also know there will be good times. I'm learning to adjust through the complexities of life, and even though it's not always easy, I know it's worth it.

In the end, I guess what I'm trying to say is that growing up is a journey. It's about learning, changing, and becoming the person you're meant to be. It's about facing challenges, overcoming obstacles, and learning from your mistakes. It's about finding joy in the journey, even when the road gets tough.

So, here I am, standing on the edge of adulthood, ready to embrace whatever comes my way. I'm excited about the opportunities that lie ahead, and I'm determined to make the most of them. I know that life won't always be easy, but I also know that I'm strong enough to handle whatever comes my way.

As I look back on my childhood, I'm grateful for all the memories and experiences that have shaped me into the person I am today. And as I look forward to the future, I'm excited about the person I'm becoming. I know that the journey won't always be smooth, but I also know that it will be worth it.

My journey from childhood to adulthood has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences. It's been filled with highs and lows, triumphs and challenges, laughter and tears. But through it all, I've learned that life is a beautiful journey, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

So, as I bid farewell to my childhood and step into the world of adulthood, I do so with a heart full of hope and a spirit ready to embrace whatever lies ahead. I know the journey won't always be easy, but I also know it will be worth it. After all, life is not just about the destination. It's about the journey, and I'm excited to see where mine will take me.

And to anyone who's reading this, remember: No matter how tough life gets, never lose your inner child. Keep that spark of curiosity and joy alive, because that's what makes life truly worth living.

Love Ocean, ❤️