#and it's so hard to find women i am attracted to on that app 😭😭

[usertae]

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[ruminate88]

How Emotional Abuse affects your mind In Your Next Relationship:

I was ghosted by a guy named Cody who told me he was “bisexual” but I noticed he hung out with men way more than women. After he ghosted me, I sorta stalked his Facebook for a week and noticed there were all these men tagging him in stuff, having their status as “in a relationship with him” and yeah, I felt pretty stupid for thinking cody could want me (a woman) 😓 I felt really bad like I should’ve been a man, maybe then Cody wouldn’t have ghosted me. 💀💀💀

Next, I’m with Andrew for over a year BUT I’ve been traumatized by cody ghosting me SO I fear and doubt my whole relationship with Andrew that he’s gonna hurt me and that I’m not gonna be “pretty enough” or “good enough” for him. The love bomb phase, actually didn’t truly happen till we had been flirting a summer and then dating a couple months. Up until that phase, it had been bread crumbs and intermittent reinforcement!! I was JUST starting to get comfortable enough at that point during the love bombing to think maybe he really DID find me attractive and as somebody he could want to truly be with because suddenly he opened up and started to let me close to him… Of course that didn’t last. Problem is, when Andrew pulled back, I didn’t!! I grappled so hard onto him! I didn’t want the “love bombing Andrew” to go away. I began to question and confront his behavior over and over. Eventually I found proof he was cheating and then when I broke up with him, he was a robot!!! No emotions ☠️

After I’m away from Andrew, I STILL want to find the “love of my life” but I’m so scared!! I matched with my husband on the app “Ok Cupid!” But it took me 4 months to trust my new man enough to be in a “relationship” but then Andrew came back… and well, I wanted Andrew soo bad to be my bf again but I knew he was just a flying monkey who only wanted to attack me. He didn’t come back to “love me again”. Andrew never loved me 😓😭❤️‍🩹

WELL, I blocked Andrew’s number but continued to talk to my new man another 3 months before I would even meet him in person or tell my family about it. I kept expressing to my new man that I had fears from Andrew and Cody. My new man is only patient for those 3 months and then he demands I either meet him and date him for real or stop wasting his time 🥺😭😭😭😭 I didn’t wanna hurt my new man or miss out on any opportunities but I wasn’t sure what I wanted or if I was doing the right thing. I prayed so hard about what to do!!

I meet my man in person and on one of our first dates, we walked around a mall and ended up at sears, sitting on a couch in the furniture section with our feet up and we talked for hours about life and what we wanted out of life… I NEVER got that with Cody or Andrew!! I felt safe with my new man and in less than 3 months later, we were engaged 😳😳😳😳 We only talked about marriage every single day that we dated in person. I wasn’t surprised when he proposed I KNEW it was going to happen. Suddenly I’m caught up in planning the wedding and in the make out phase with my fiancé… It was all so exciting and made me feel soooo special after all I went through.

Now after we’re married, it’s hard work. The “make out” phase ended, we had sex every day for a month or so and you eventually wear that out too!! My husband got comfortable with me so he started playing video games again and I started going out with my mom. During this time, I realize how many women also play video games AND now they’re playing with my husband online. I WAS TRIGGERED and didn’t know it… I got SO DEFENSIVE AND UPSET!! I overreacted to it and told my husband how much that hurt me. (He knew I’ve been lied on and cheated) But he was just playing video games and it was right in front of me. He wasn’t even trying to hide it all but I just struggled to trust him and immediately I worried am I gonna get my heart broken again…. 😝

That wasn’t even the first time I overreacted or cried at the drop of a hat for no reason!! It didn’t take long, I felt so disconnected from my spouse and like a wall is between us and I KNOW now it’s a wall I built. At some point, my husband and I have a talk where he says “I pulled away from him and he doesn’t know why 😳🥺What??!! Me??!!! I didn’t think I was doing that… He also asked me am I talking to other guys and cheating on him. 😭 I truly felt soooo disconnected from him and struggled to understand any of it. I wasn’t excited anymore. I was scared and… MY BIGGEST FEAR???? (My husband sits on his video games all night with guys laughing and giving them all his attention) Is…my….husband….even….straight???? I mean, Cody ghosted me for men. Why wouldn’t my husband? (Comparing relationships)

Why would I make such accusations????? FEAR!!!! Trauma from the emotional abuse… I could not stop thinking of.Andrew the WHOLE time since I got married and it was really bad at first. I felt like a cheater, I beat myself up AND I questioned “was I still madly in love with Andrew???” 😢 Not until I learned about emotional abuse, did I understand myself and my marriage. Wow!! I would obsessively Google “why am I so obsessed with my ex??” AND “am I a bad wife???” 😒😔 I never knew I needed healing and closure from both Cody and Andrew!!!

Now that I’m aware, I’m trying so hard to work on myself and be a better wife… I feel guilty making this blog and this account. I don’t like hiding things from my husband but I also don’t feel comfortable to talk to him about it all. My fear is that he’ll say I still want Andrew and say I’m cheating. 😭😭😭😭😭

It’s crazy healing from trauma bonding when you’re legit in a whole marriage and my husband is super sensitive!! If he knew what was really going on and could truly understand, I believe he would be so upset and probably want space from me because he would feel responsible to heal me and can’t.

This healing journey is about shedding old wounds, habits and transforming myself but I do fail often. I failed today 😭😭😭 but I’m sorry!!!

[leministfesbian]

It is hard to imagine myself with a man. It is easier to imagine myself with a woman. If I had no pressure on my back on who to date, I would love to date women, even if that means my dating pool has become significantly smaller. Now I don't even know who I am attracted to anymore 😭

Hi, sorry for my late response! It sounds like you have attraction to women, if I may say. You might feel pressured to "know" your sexuality, but keep in mind that there is no time frame!

To embrace your feelings/attractions to women you could watch/read lesbian/bisexual movies/books. Or start socializing with other lesbian and bisexual women if you have any opportunities in the area where you live. For me it helped to socialize with other LGB folks when I was coming out! And form lesbian friendships.

You don't have to jump into dating if you don't want to/feel ready. But of course, if this is what you want, you can start to date women (maybe try a dating app or go to LGB events/bars if there are any).

I will add some information about figuring out your sexual orientation. Keep in mind that I'm a lesbian, so I don't know the bisexual experience first-hand.

It seems to me (bisexual women, please correct me if I'm wrong!) that it is sometimes hard for bisexual women to come out, because of the stigma/stereotypes around bisexuality. And because of the pressure to date men and center men in your life, it can sometimes feel like it is not a real option to date women seriously, but it is!

Remember that you don't have to date men if you don't want to, also if you are bisexual and feel attraction to men. It is completely up to you who you want to date.

Bisexuality doesn't have to be a 50/50 split. It could be that you have a preference for women or men, or that it shifts a bit over time periods, but the potential attraction to both sexes is there.

When I was coming out as a lesbian, I came across the theory that coming out as lesbian/gay might feel like some form of grief or loss. Grief for the thought that you could be heterosexual or in a "normal straight relationship".

Consequently, the process can sometimes follow the stages of grief (‎coined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross): denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Especially in the bargaining phase it can feel confusing. You might admit that you have some attraction to women, but still want to deny the reality that you are only attracted to the same sex. So you are still trying to find a way out and "to negotiate" the actual reality.

In this phase lesbians can think they are bisexual or asexual when they are actually not. Or put weird new "queer labels" on themselves. Instead of accepting the reality of being only attracted to the same sex.

It might take time to figure out your truth. This is completely normal and okay. You don't have to rush into "labels". I wish you a wonderful journey, loving women is beautiful!!