#and just down from the rice and macaroni

[rainbow-arrow]

some news: i survived

some other news: people really don’t expect the salt to be with the other spices

[adriennebarnes]

Hips Don't Lie part 2

Pairing: Henry Cavill x Hispanic/Latina! Reader

Summary: Y/N invites Henry Cavill to a carne asada after a month of dating

Warning: probably some stereotypical Latina/Mexican things because I'm half Mexican, no translated Spanish, unwanted comments from an aunt about weight (for me it’s with my mom) and about Henry, spelling and grammar errors

After a month of dating, Henry and Y/N were at his place, they were cooking tallarines saltado. Everything was going well and Y/N got a text.

“Give me a minute, guapo.” Y/N said, washing her hands to check her phone. It was a text from her mom. “Hey Henry, how do you feel about going to a carne asada? It’s this weekend, I know it’s a little soon to be meeting my parents, but I really don’t want to go alone.”

“Darling, it’s fine, I’ll go with you to the barbecue.” Henry said. He put the cut up steak into a pan to cook it along with the onions and tomatoes. “Why don’t you want to go alone?”

“Because my mom and my aunts are all going to be like ‘y el novio?’ Like I’m 32, not married or engaged, in their eyes…something is wrong. So please, my handsome British boyfriend, come with me to the carne asada.” Y/N practically begged, having her hands together in a praying motion.

“Yes, my tiny dancer, I’ll go to the carne asada.” Henry said, kissing her forehead and she was pouting with her arms crossed.

“I am not tiny, You’re just big.” Y/N said and her eyes widened at the last part of her sentence.

“In more ways than one.” Henry winked and kissed her. “Do we have to bring anything?” Y/N looked at him in a ‘are you kidding me’ kind of way. “Sorry, what are we bringing?”

“That’s better, and that depends. My mom usually makes her agua de Jamaica which is hibiscus water, don’t ask how it got the name, and red rice. Obviously my uncles bring the meat, um, I’m thinking, someone usually brings dessert which is like fruit salad and cookies, uh, carajo, no puedo pensar. Okay, I got it, we can make alfajores and picarones, mainly because I crave it.” Y/N said,

“What about really food? Should we bring macaroni salad?” Henry asked

“Never in my life have I ever seen macaroni salad at these carne asadas (I’m using my own experiences, obviously). We could make pasta though and like that we could eat some before we go and the rest we take it there.” Y/N said.

“Why would we eat before we go to the carne asada if we’re going to eat there?” Henry asked.

“Ay, amorcito, there’s so much You need to learn. Just in case there’s something you don’t like, and they never really start grilling right when you come in, it’s usually an hour after everyone’s there so you won’t be starving.” Y/N said.

“Alright, I’ll make the list so we can go shopping tomorrow. Now, I know this is going to be a stupid question, but what do I wear?” Henry asked.

“It’s not stupid at all. So again, my mom taught to dress presentable for whatever ‘event’ so like dress semi formal but summery.” Y/N said and Henry looked at her confused. “Just wear your khaki pants your navy or light blue button down.” Henry nodded.

It was the night before the carne asada and Y/N and Henry were in Y/N’s kitchen, their dessert is chilling, her dog Concha laying down in her bed (any breed you want), and they’re going over the family tree.

“Yeimy is my favorite cousin, she’s a music producer, love her to death. Then we have Juan Luis, Yeimy’s brother, kinda mujeriego, me entiendes, very fuckboy, but he’s a lawyer so we’re friendly. There’s my Tia chela, but you have to call her Graciela until she says you can call her Chela. Now Chela comments on my weight, a lot more than my mom does pero eso es otra cosa aparte.” Y/N said, showing pictures of each family member to Henry.

“Okay…who is Veronica?” Henry asked.

“She’s my mom’s friend from church, I don’t think she’ll be here though, she’s in Colombia.” Y/N said, looking for her photo to show him.

“And we’re going to your mom’s house for the carne asada?” Henry asked.

“Yes, I got her a house with a nice yard, my dad has the grill with the charcoal y todo. Now if there’s anything special that you want to drink or eat, get it tomorrow morning, we have to be there at 2.” Y/N said, now cleaning up the kitchen. So are you staying the night so you can help me with everything or are you coming here early in the morning?”

“I got all stuff in my car, I’m staying the night. I’ll just bring it in.” Henry said, he opened the door to leave and Concha got up from her bed to leave with Henry. “Nope, not you, just me.”

The day of the carne asada, Henry was in the driving with Y/N carrying the alfajores and picarones, the pasta in the backseat with Concha chilling so she could see her cousins. Y/N was wearing a sundress with wedge sandals.

“Okay, when you go in your obviously say hello to everyone, depending on whether the women of my family lean in, it’s a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It’s not a real kiss, it’s more of a cheek touch and the kiss sound, and with the men, again, obviously a handshake.” Y/N reminded him.

“Darling, I know everything, please relax.” Henry said.

“I cant relax, they never met any of my partners before.” Y/N said.

“Well i feel very special now.” Henry said.

“You should.” Y/N said.

Henry parked on the street, they go out of the car, Henry helping Y/N with the food as she put Concha on a leash so they could go to the house.

“Mami, ya llegamos!” Y/N yelled as she opened the gate to enter the yard.

“Ay Y/N, mi niña, cómo estás, amor? Y trajiste a supermán! Sabía que tenías amigos famosos pero nunca pensé de esta altura.” Y/N’s mom, Carolina, said.

“Ah mami, él se llama Henry, es mi novio, pero habla inglés, por favor.” Y/N told her mom.

“Oh my god, Henry, it’s so good to meet you. Finally my daughter has a boyfriend!” Carolina said and Y/N looked away to roll her eyes (because who the hell rolls their eyes in front of the their mothers, right?) “Princesa, has subido de peso? Te está saliendo un poquito la panza, no? Bueno, deja toda la comida en las mesa que no falta poco para llegar lo demás gente.” Carolina said and walked away to get paper plates and plastic utensils for everyone.

“What did she tell you?” Henry asked,

“Nothing it doesn’t matter, just put the food on the table, okay? Come on, Concha, let’s take you out your harness.” Y/N said and placed the food on the table to let her dog loose and Concha started running on the grass with Carolina’s cavalier King Charles spaniel, Honey. A few minutes, the cousins came, there was Yeimy, Juan Luis, Fabian (Peluche) and his wife Cecilia (Chiquis), Irma and her husband Erick, María José and her husband Diego, Alfonso (Poncho), and Maite.

“Prima, que bueno verte! Ooh, look at you, love the dress, you look so good.” Irma said, letting her Maltese, Cinnamon, off leash, Cinnamon ran to Concha.

“My mom didn’t think so, que bueno verte.” Y/N said, hugging her and kissing her cheek.

“Ay, no la escuchas, you look Great.” Yeimy said, placing what she brought on the table as well.

“Quien es el güerito?” Peluche asked, letting his german shepherd, Roscoe, off his leash

“Ay Peluche, mira quien habla de güerito. Anyway, everyone, this is my boyfriend, Henry.” Y/N introduced Henry.

“Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you all.” As Y/N told him, Henry greeted the girl cousins with a hug and let them kiss his cheek while shaking hands with the boy cousins.

“You landed Superman? The Witcher? How did you do that?” Maite asked. Y/N was going to answer but the tias and tíos came in as well.

“Hola hola! Carolina, ya llegamos! A ver, gordita, arrímate otra mesa, si?” Tía Chela told Y/N and Y/N did as she was told, she pulled another table to they could also place the food. Henry was saying hello to everyone. “Y mija, segura que es fiel? Como que es muy guapo, ha trabajado con mujeres como tú amiga Eiza, con la mujer maravilla, no sé, me parece raro que esté contigo.”

“Ay mamá, deja de escupir tu veneno a ella, ve con mi papá que está juntado al heladera para las bebidas.” María José said and Chela left reluctantly.

“Thanks, Majo.” Y/N said,

“I grew up with her criticizing me, can’t have her do the same to you. Look at us, we’re in our 30s and we still care about what our mothers say.” Majo said,

“Eso nunca va a cambiar.” Y/N said and she walked back to Henry where he was listening to her Tío Juancho (Juan Camilo) telling a story about his camping trip.

“Hey, pececita, I was just telling your boyfriend about the time I went camping,” Juancho said, hugging and kissing Y/N.

“So glad you’re back, love.” Henry said, wrapping his arm around her waist and kissed her cheek.

“Oye Henry’s ven conmigo un momento, come with me.” Y/N’s dad, Carlos, told Henry, tapping his shoulder.

“Papi, que vas a hacer?” Y/N asked.

“Nada mija, es como male bonding, help me grill, Superman.” Carlos said.

“Papi!” Y/N whined.

“Ve con tus primos, princesa.” Carlos said.

“It’s alright, maybe it’s a good thing.” Henry said, kissing Y/N to ease her worries. Henry went with Carlos to the grilled, grabbing the tray of seasoned meats to cook.

“So, Superman, how long have you been dating my daughter?” Carlos asked, sipping a bit of modelo beer.

“Not long, a month.” Henry answered.

“You think of dating her for longer?” Carlos asked.

“Of course, sir.” Henry said,

“Ah, escucha eso, ‘sir’, mira que respetuoso me salió. Listen, Y/N is a good girl, she worked hard in her music, bought this house for me y mi mujer, and if you break her heart or hurt her in anyway, I know some people.” Carlos threatened and Henry got paler.

Carlos laughed. “Ah, te estoy vacilando, it was a joke, you seem like a good person, you know how to grill?” Henry let out a breath of relief.

“Yeah, yes, I know how to grill.” Henry said.

“Good, pass me the orange container, it has the ribs.” Carlos said. Henry did what he was told and gave Y/N a thumbs up. Y/N gave him one back.

“You think your güero can eat what we brought?” Diego asked.

“Let’s hope so, as long as he doesn’t add salsa, it should be fine.” Y/N said. She looked over to where Henry was grilling with her dad, they’re gonna last, maybe not forever, but they would totally last.

Everyone was eating.

“Mija, te salió muy bien la pasta.” Carolina said.

“Gracias, me ayudó Henry también.” Y/N said, making sure she knew.

“Who knew you could cook, Henry, and with seasoning.” Carolina said, sitting down to eat. Henry looked at Y/N and she put her hands up in surrender. Everyone was serving themselves until.

“Haz platos para sus hombres también, que no se te olvide.” Chelis announced.

“Ay mamá, mas anticuada no puedes ser, ellos tienen manos, que se sirven solos.” Majo told her mom.

“Whats happening?” Henry whispered in Y/N’s ear.

“Do you see why I couldn’t come here alone? Just don’t serve yourself any salsa, the sauces are usually very spicy, the rest should be good to eat. There’s tacos dorados that have potatoes, some are chicken, others are beans, it’s a surprise. Take one of each, I’m sure you’ll like it.” Y/N whispered back to him. Everyone serves their own plate porque así debe ser, and they were all chatting, mainly trying to get to know Henry.

“So Henry, You’re a good looking man, why are you here with Y/N? I’m sure you can do a lot better.” Chela said and Majo states at her mom and mouthed her apology to Y/N.

“Has she been telling you this the entire time? Asking why I’m here with you?” Henry asked Y/N and Y/N just nodded. Henry stood up from his seat. “Listen, Graciela, I fell for Y/N the moment I saw her, I don’t know what you have been telling her since we got here but I have had enough. She didn’t want to come here alone and now I know why. If she shows up alone, you’ll ask why she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she shows up with me, you ask her why I’m here with her, that’s enough.” Henry said, Y/N pulled his arm to sit him back down.

“Perdón, Y/N, que Pena contigo.” Chela said and Y/N just nodded, it was nice to have someone other than her cousins defend her. “I’m sorry to you too, Henry.” Henry nodded his head and everyone continued eating. By the time they were finished, they went their “separate ways”.

In the carne asada, there were 3 sections, where the cousins were talking about their memories, what they’ve been up to. The aunts and her mom were talking about neighborhood gossip and about their kids. And of course the uncles and her dad drinking and talking about whatever.

“How did you and Henry meet?” Maite asked again.

“Well my coworker Eiza wanted to set me up with her, saying she was going to be at the after party. I didn’t want to be set up but when I went to the after party, I saw this beautiful woman dancing like she was the only one in the room, she captured everyone’s attention, including mine. Eiza noticed I was staring at the dancer and it turned out to be Y/N so Eiza called her over and there you have it.” Henry told them.

“Mira eso, prima, lo dejaste embobado desde el primer momento.” Ponchó said, petting Concha that went up to him.

“Así es, I thank our parents for playing Shakira when we were growing up.” Y/N said, raising her beer bottle to toast.

“Speaking of Shakira, how did you dance when he spotted you?” Chiquis asked, connecting her phone to the Bluetooth speaker that Peluche carried. It started playing the song ‘hips don’t lie’ and everyone was cheering ‘oh’.

“Alright, alright, I’ll show y’all.” Y/N said, getting up from her chair, handing Henry her beer. “It was something like this.”

Everyone was cheering, Henry was whistling, they were just having a good time.

“Pero ya, i guess that’s how Henry fell for me.” Y/N said, sitting on Henry’s lap now, taking her beer form his hand.

“You have no idea, sweetheart.” Henry kissed her.

“Mira Que lindo, pero no sé comen delante de los pobres.” Juan Luis said, sipping his beer.

“No que tienes novia, hermano?” Yeimy asked.

“Pero no está aquí, boba.” Juan Luis said.

“Wait Henry, why did you really like my dancing?” Y/N asked.

“You want the really answer or the savory answer?” Henry asked and Y/N hit his chest playfully. “Alright, alright, you were having fun, I wanted to be with someone I could have fun with. That, and the way you moved your hips gave me an idea of how you would be in other activities.” Henry smirked and Y/N laughed.

“Ay, you’re so dirty.” Y/N said, placing her head in the crook of his neck. “How you like my family?”

“I think I could come over more often, if you invite me, of course.” Henry said.

“Of course.” Y/N repeated and they kissed, his hands on her waist.

Taglist: @f10werfae @warriormirkwood @marieksg

[luveline]

hi! i know ur not from the us so pls feel free to ignore this but i think a kbd fic where steve and the girls are doing sparklers for the fourth of july would be so cute! absolutely adore everything u post 🫶🏻

thank u!! sorry i know it isn't the fourth anymore bit I hope u enjoy regardless!! kbd —dad!steve and mom!reader show their daughters how to use sparklers for the first time, 2k

Steve isn't a huge fan of fireworks because of how dangerous they can be, but sparklers are just fine in his book. He buys a box of thirty. The girls can do ten each if they feel like it, though he knows Dove won't be interested, and he guesses Bethie will be too scared to hold them. 

Still, he hopes. You're hosting a banquet of food when he arrives, a mixture of things you made and stuff he prepared yesterday. It's a feast of hotdogs and burgers, cupcakes and donuts, macaroni and cheese and chilli with white rice. The table is crammed with plates and the radio is on, playing fun pop music a little too loudly for Dove's taste, her hands over her ears.

You turn down the radio, and ask her where she sits on your hip, "Is that better, sweetheart?" 

"Hey," he says, putting the box of sparklers on the counter. 

"Hey, Stevie," you say, in a rare tone. You always talk to him with love but he adores how you say his name now, like you've never been happier to see him in your entire life. "They had some?"

"Lucky, right? Guess I'm not the only schmuck who forgot to buy some." 

Avery rushes for his legs, a chocolate donut in one hand and a cup of juice in the other. Despite her luggage, she expects to be picked up. Steve grabs her. 

"You're cold, dad," she says. 

"Really? It's not cold out," he says. 

"You need something to warm you up." 

Steve raises his eyebrows. "Sure I do. Give me a hug, but don't get icing in my hair, please." 

Avery hugs him, sticky cheek pressing into his as her arms strain around him. He pats her back, meeting your eyes and returning your happy smile. Steve turns on the spot to see Bethie practically elbow deep in a bowl of chilli. She loves anything that comes with rice, and she eats it like someone's going to take it away from her, chilli staining her lips and cheeks, a grain of rice stuck to her chin.

"Did you get a photo of that?" he asks. 

"Of course I did," you laugh, putting Dove down to brace yourself against the counter. You stretch your neck in a tight circle. 

"Thank you. Beth, that looks so nice! Are you saving any for me?" 

"No!" she says happily, smiling wide as an ocean. 

"Good girl. Alright, you tell me when you're finished, I have something fun for after dinner." 

Dinner gets put on pause. You wipe Bethie's face clean, giggling the whole time and telling her how cute she is in your saccharine mommy voice that melts her, "We should have that more often, huh?" It's always a good day when Bethie eats well.

Steve helps Avery put her shoes on and together they step out into the backyard. It's small considering the house is a four bedroom, but maybe that's why you'd been able to afford it in the first place. You work with what space you have. There's a light wood fence, the perimeter half lined by pansies and the other side with a slim shed full of their bikes and scooters and a small bed where the girls attempted to grow strawberries last year. They didn't take, but Steve has hope for this summer. 

The yard is clean though slightly neglected, and Steve has to work spider duty before Avery will agree to step off of the doorjam. You follow soon, Dove at your shins, Bethie cautious as she steps out in her socks behind you.

"Where's your shoes?" Steve asks her. 

"I told her she didn't have to wear them," you say. "She says they're pinching her toes." 

Steve had Beth's feet measured specifically to avoid that. He assumes it isn't pinching so much as not wanting to wear them. He shrugs. "Okay. Stay on the stones then, Beth, I don't know what's in the grass. You might step on a snail." 

"Ew," she says, sitting down in the doorway.

Steve lights a sparkler for no one first of all, wondering how each girl will react. He hands it to you as the sparks jump to life, white and bright in the shade of the garden, the shadow of their house. You wave it around gently, but when each of your daughters gasps in unhappy shock, you hold your hand under the sparkler and let a spark kiss your palm. 

"They aren't dangerous," you promise. You wave it into a heart, a star, the letter A. "Does anyone wanna try?" 

"Me!" Avery shouts, holding out her hand. The sparkler burns remarkably quickly down to the stem.

"Dad will give you a new one. Hey, baby?" you put the sparkler down on the glass patio table as it sputters out. "Don't you have those gardening gloves?" 

Soon, Steve's outfitted each girl in a glove too big for their hand. He passes Avery a sparkler, and her bravery and subsequent joy prompts some jealousy in Bethie, fighting her fear to take one too. You crouch down to stand with her as she waves it around, her eyes like saucers as white sparks fly. 

"It's so pretty!" you say. 

Dove is interested, but not in holding one. Steve picks her up and lights a sparkler, raising it away from her curious hands to draw her name. Avery squeaks with happiness and proclaims it as magic. "Dad, I'm a fairy!" 

"I can see! Try not to put it by your hair, okay?" 

She squeals some more until it dies in her hand. "Can I have another one?" 

"Ooh," you coo, watching with pride as Bethie draws a circle with hers, "my girl's brave today, I'm super proud of you. Isn't this fun?"

Steve lights another one for Avery and gives Dove a loving kiss, thrilled to see them all this happy. He's really surprised Bethie's enjoying herself, but he supposes it would be hard for her to have a bad time with your hands on her shoulders, your encouragement soft and shining as angora silk. 

They must use up four or five each like that. 

"Daddy," Dove says, imploring as she touches his face. 

"What?" he asks, thinking of tacking 'my little princess' on the end but withholding. Lately every sentence he says has a pet name squeezed in the middle. He has a lot of love to give. 

She looks at him. He pats her small back, wondering if she's going to bless him with a sentence or two. She's old enough now to be talking, but she's quiet like Bethie most of the time. Or, she's not talkative —Dove is far from quiet. 

"Hotdog, please."

Steve laughs loudly. "You want me to make you a hotdog?" 

"And ketchup." 

"Yeah, I can make you a hotdog. You don't want to stay for another sparkler?" he asks. 

"No." 

He laughs again, pressing another kiss overtop the first one he'd laid on her chubby cheek. "Thank you for saying please, sweetheart. You're such a good girl." 

"Can I have a hotdog, too?" Avery asks.

"Sure you can, whatever you want. Beth? Mom?" 

You've sat down on the floor. You're probably cold, but your smile would never show it. "I think me and Bethie are going to have another helping of chilli and rice, aren't we?" you ask hopefully. 

Bethie's sparkler fizzles out. "Can we do more sparklers again?" 

"Yeah. Tell you what, let's go back inside for food and when everyone's full, we'll come outside and do some more before bed. Sound good?" 

The girls head inside, and Steve makes some hotdogs on the stove. Dove falls asleep with a bun in her hand, Bethie with her cheeks painted in sauce. Avery doesn't tire so easily, and while the others sleep, you and Steve take her out to the back door to light another sparkler. You write your names, you draw clumsy constellations. Steve writes 'I love

Avery,' grinning as she sounds out each letter. 

Avery relishes in the delight of having your unfettered attention. She stays up for hours after her sisters with you and Steve, long enough to watch stray fireworks shoot up into the sky over your backyard, her head on your shoulder, her hand in Steve's hand. 

"This is the best day ever," she says. 

Steve wants to cry. Genuinely. He meets your eyes over Avery's head, and you shuffle closer to her without speaking, enveloping her in a hug from either side. 

"Every day is the best day ever with you around, Ave," Steve says. 

"The best. Me and dad tried some fireworks, when you weren't born." Steve and Avery look at you with mirrored interest. He doesn't remember what story you're going to tell. "You would've been very small in me at the time," you say, looking up as a pink and white firework blossoms across the night sky like a peony. "Like a strawberry seed. We… didn't know you were coming. I knew. I knew, but I didn't know. I could feel you right here," —you point at your stomach— "but I had no idea what you were going to be." 

"Hey, you're right," Steve says. He forgets you were pregnant before you knew it. 

"But me and dad lived together already," you say. "We were always going to get married and have babies and stuff, but you came really quickly. You were excited." 

Steve grins. Avery hangs on your every word. 

"But anyway, me and dad lived together. Not here, but somewhere, and we didn't have a yard but there was a little patch of grass and we figured we'd buy some, but he burned a stripe of my arm hair off by accident with a long lighter, and the we didn't have a fence to nail the Catherine wheel down, and he accidentally dropped the firecracker box on the way home so it didn't work anymore, and the rockets wouldn't light." 

"Oh, no," Avery says. "You didn't have any fireworks?" 

"None. But we had a pack of sparklers. We did it just like we did with you. I wrote 'I love Stevie' in big letters, and your dad tried to hug me and jabbed me in the stomach with his burned up one." 

"Your hoodie," Steve remembers finally. "Your white hoodie, I bought it for you the week before at the mall after you threw up in Dairy Queen. I remember." 

"I had it for a week, and he got this huge ash smudge on it." 

"But you wouldn't let me wash it with bleach." 

You give Avery a kiss on the top of her head. "I wanted to remember how happy we were. I thought the smudge was a nice reminder. Turns out I got much more than a smudge." 

"You got me," Avery decodes.

"We got you," you say. "You're a thousand different things, Avery. You're smart, and kind, and pretty, and you're also a really good reminder that your dad loves me." 

"Do you need a reminder?" Steve asks, genuinely worried, and kind of in awe. How you can sit there and say something that romantic off the cuff is beyond him. He really might cry soon. 

"No," you say smugly. "You tell me all the time." 

Not enough, he decides. After this, he'll be sure to tell you more. 

Steve falls in love with you for the thousandth time.

"What I'm trying to tell you, Ave, is that dad is right. Every day with you in it is a really good day. I love you so much," you start to fizzle, which is to say your voice gets tight. You won't cry, but Steve teeters. "I'm really, really happy you had the best day ever, 'cos you make every day the best for dad and your sisters and me." 

"Really?" Avery asks softly. 

"Really," Steve says, rubbing the space between her shoulders. 

A rocket squeals into the air and fractures into a ring of spectral colours. 

Avery climbs onto her feet, and, torn between who to hug, wraps an arm around both of your necks. 

Steve wraps his arms around you both, squeezing your hip. He's gotten used to being loved, to feeling it, but tonight might be an all time high. Sparklers become a Harrington tradition that year. 

[like-apollo]

A Funky Friendsgiving

[I thought it would be fun to include some characters from my last story]

You were laying on your back in Anthony's king size bed, as his tan bubble butt was spread across your face.  “Don’t be shy babe, eat it up” he said as he was grinding on you, rocking up and down your face causing his hole to move from your nose to your mouth, back and forth. It smelled so bitter yet sweet.  “I mean it is Thanksgiving after all.”

The movement was building pressure around his puckered ass and you knew you were trapped.  Not that you minded

BBbbbrrRrRAaaaaPppptt 

“Ahhhh there you go, baby” he sighed as your tongue pressed against his hole and penetrated deep into his anal canal, causing him to realase more heavy gas down your throat. 

PhhFfrttPtt.

“Kiss it for me, babe?”  He kept ripping ass while grinding on your open mouth and up your nose.  You knew it was the only air you would be breathing tonight but you didn’t care.  It was coming from Anthony’s beautiful buttocks and you had no plans to stop…

Earlier that night, you arrived at your friend Christina’s house for a friendsgiving.  You had been looking forward to catching up with some good friends that you’ve known since high school.  It’s tough to get everyone together being in your 30s now, but you always made it work and it was always worth it. 

Even your friend Dante who you hadn’t seen in several months showed up, which was a nice surprise.  He brought his father David.  His dad was extremely fit and good looking for his age and you couldn’t help but to admire him.  Even though he was older, he fit in with everyone and made good company.  You happened to notice that Dante and David seemed very close for a father and son. Their energy threw you off at first, but you tried not to read into it too much.  Everyone was having a good time, after all.

With such a diverse group of friends, there was an exceptional mix of cuisine:  Dante and David brought their delicious Macaroni and Cheese; Noel brought a large platter of brown rice and beans along with a side of cheesy beef empenadas; Anthony brought his home made stuffed shells; Tia made mashed potatoes and a side of brussel sprouts; you brought a broccoli and cheddar fondu; and Christina, being the host, prepared a delicious turkey with a side of gravy and stuffing.  There was way more than enough food for the 7 of you.

Everyone was catching up and having a good time.  You stepped away to get a beer when suddenly you felt a hand on your shoulder. 

“Yo man!  Long time no see.”  You tunred around to see your friend Anthony.  Anthony was tall, handsome guy and he always had your back, even in your earlier school days.  Being an extrovert, Anthony now worked in sales and introduced you to a lot of people throughout the years, both friends and colleagues.  He was charismatic and always made people feel comfortable, but he was also a great friend. You couldn't help but admire his charm. 

“Hey Tony!  I was just grabbing a drink.”  Tony walked with you to the kitchen as you caught up with each other.  You've always had a crush on Anthony, but your friendship never went beyond that.  He knew you were gay from the beginning which helped him open up to you when he began exploring his own sexual identity and thoughts about other men, but it was more platonic.  Plus he had been living with his boyfriend Alex for over a year now and you cared about his happiness more than anything. 

Still, you felt more of an attraction to him tonight and noticed he was talking to you more than any of your friends.   Not that you minded, but it was hard to keep your feelings down - literally as your cock jumped in your pants every time he spoke. 

After a few drinks, it was time for dinner.  You looked in awe at the abundance of a delcious dinner in front of you.  Anthony grabbed 2 plates and handed one to you.  “Look, so there’s something I wanted to tell you.  After my promotion, I was actually able to move out and get a place of my own.  It was rough at first, but I’m making it work.”

You didn’t really understand what he meant.  Last time you checked, him and Alex were doing well together.  “Oh wow. I mean that’s great Tone, but you and Alex already had your own place, no?” 

“Yeah, so about that...”  Anthony was loading his plate up now.  He started with the Mac and Cheese and then added rice and beans. “As you know, me and Alex have gone through our ups and downs in the past.”  He was piling up his plate now with turkey, brussel sprouts, 2 empanadas, stuffed shells and mashed potatoes.  “We were always able to work through them, but we got into a big argument and there’s just no going back.”

You honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand, you were shocked.  I mean, you cared about your friend, but it also low key made you excited knowing that he was single again.  But you also wanted to be there for him.  “Wow Tony, wait so back up, everything was going good between you and Alex, so what happened?” 

“I don’t really know how to tell you man, but“

“Sheesh Tony, the food isn’t going anywhere” he was interrupted by your other good frined Noel, noticing the mountain of dinner on his plate.  “I can’t even see the plate underneath!”

“Relax Noel, there’s definitely more than enough food here.” Christina chimed in.

“Yeah, but we all know what happens to Tony’s stomach when he eats too much.” Noel said grinning.

Noel was great guy and he was part of your inner circle back in the day.  What he was referring to was Anthony’s lactose intolerance, which you all were familiar with.  Even when he took his digestive enzymes, Tony’s gas was heavy and lethal. And dairy just added fuel to the flames.  Tonight his plate was full of different cheesy foods in addition to the turkey.

Tony walked over to Noel: “Life’s too short, man.” he turned his back to Noel.  “Sometimes you just gotta let loose-”

BbbbBBrrRRppPPttt

“…and live a little” he said as he ripped a booming 7 second fart right on Noel’s plate.

“Come on Tone, that was right on my food!”  Noel said frustrated as he walked to the living room.  Anthony just gave an evil smirk as he followed behind Noel.  Everyone was laughing about it as they went to the living room – well, everyone except for you.

Aside from the potent stench, his fart didn't really phase you. You stood in the kitchen for a moment contemplating what to do.  You really wanted to tell Anthony about your feelings tonight, and he just disclosed that he was single now, so you had the freedom to speak on it.  Still, as his friend, you wanted to know what happened with Alex. You wanted to talk to him, alone.

Back in the living room, everyone was eating and chatting.  Anthony was enjoying his massive plate while chatting with Dante and David.  You walked over and sat with them, trying to join in the conversation. 

“Man that was a pretty gnarly fart earlier” Dante said with a laugh.  “Can’t imagine how bad it’s going to get after dinner.” 

“Trust me, it’s gonna keep me up all night.” Dante and David gave each other an interesting look, which you never understood to this day. But your mind was occupied about Anthony to think too much about it.

Anthony finished his plate without saying a word to you.  You felt a shift in the energy, as he got up and walked to the bathroom.  As the night went on, you caught up with your other friends.  You tried to talk to Anthony again but it was as if he ignored you.  He was showing you so much attention at the start of the party, so what was going on?

By the end of the night, everyone was saying their goodbyes until it was just you and Anthony.  You both decided to leave together and after saying goodbye to Christina, you walked outside in silence.

“I’ve been trying to talk to you all night Tony” you said breaking the silence.  “You okay?”

“I’m good man, it was just a little bit uncomfortable earlier” he was finally opening up to you.

“Look, Tony, I’m not sure what happened but you can talk to me about anything.”

He looked at you and took a deep breath, then closed his eyes forcefully as he leaned forward.

BBBbbBBBRrrrRRPPPbbBBUUuuUUUMMMPpppPPPFFfffFTttTTt

He let out a loud, chunky 23-second fart that shook the whole street and set off the neighbor’s car alarm.   Even being outside, the smell hit burned the inside of your nostrils as you began coughing.

“Damn Tony, you might wanna check your pants. I was just-“

He interrupted you.  “Look I don’t know how to say this, but here it goes: yes, I have some powerful gas. But it’s not for everyone.  Alex wasn’t a fan of it.  We ended up getting into a huge fight over it.  The reason I left is because he couldn’t take it and he wasn’t open to it.”  he was looking at the ground now.  “He told me it was disgusting…”

“Wow, Tony, I’m so sorry man, I had no idea.  I mean it seems a little extreme to break up over farting.”  You wanted to tell him more about your feelings, but you were just trying to be there for your friend at this point.

“Well it’s not just about the gas.  The thing of it is, I have a kink for farting on other men.  I haven't been able to explore that yet. And I wanted to with Alex.  He seemed so open minded when we first met and I thought that after so much time he’d be willing to try it” Anthony said, now looking up at you.  “And the other thing is, seeing you tonight just made me feel good again.  But I didn’t want this to weird you out.  I mean I saw how Alex reacted…” It was all making sense now as to why he was ignoring you.  

Somehow through the gas, you were extremely turned on.  You had never really tried anything with farts before but just the idea of Anthony being so vulnerable in this moment about his deepest desire was turning you on. You didn't understand it but you were open to it.

“Look Tony I gotta be honest with you man.  It’s always been you.  I’ve always liked you.  Yes, your gas is powerful, but that never really bothered me.  Actually, if you want, we could try it out sometime…”

He grabbed your hand. “Well hopefully Christina doesn’t mind keeping your car overnight.  And we can just tell her you drank too much or something” He said with a laugh. Now Tony was the one getting hard at the thought of farting in your face all night.  “Would you wanna come back to my place?”

You couldn’t say no to him.  The thought of being with Anthony, who you've known for years, and the thought of taking his beautiful ass just felt right.  His stomach was rumbling at this point and he was ready to give you all of his built up gas, and you had no choice but to be there for him. 

You made it back to his car. As he puilled out of the driveway, he locked all of the windows.  

BrrRRrRRMmpppffffFffFt. The first of many deadly farts erupted and he moaned in relief, hand on his stomach.  The smell was intoxicating and you felt your eyes water being trapped in his car.  You honestly weren’t sure if you could take it but that was just turning you on more. Not to mention that it was giving Anthony so much pleasure and fulfilling his desires. Your dick was growing in your pants.

You started giving him a belly rub as he drove back to his place.  You could feel the bubbling in his guts as he was driving quicker.  The combination of all the food he ate was really messing with his stomach.

PffFfFFFFrRUrrrtT His farts kept coming out and shaking his seat.  “Ugh babe I have so much gas tonight.  I hope you’re ready for it.”  The smell was overpowering your mind.  You moved your hand down from his stomach and felt his throbbing cock through his pants, which turned you on even more.  Good thing Anthony’s house was only a few minutes away.

Tthe smell was overpowering, but you were so turned on being inside in Anthony’s fart cloud and breathing in his gas.  It’s like he was conditioning you to fall in love with his funk.  He quickly parked and you looked at each other as he kissed you passionately in the midst of his stink.  You were both precumming now, as he licked your lips and you felt his tongue inside your mouth. You both made it inside to his room, while he ripped as with each step up the stairs. 

You walked in first and he followed, closing the door behind him.  You walked over to his bed and he followed.  “Baby, you know you’re gonna take all of this ass tonight, right?” he says taking his pants off.

He turned around and you saw his bubble butt busting out of his slacks as he threw them to the wall.  He turned around to reveal his 8 inch rock hard cock poking through his underwear.  You were staring in awe, dick throbbing as you began to unbutton your own pants when he pushed you back on the bed. He turned around and stood above you. 

You saw his beautiful ass pointed out getting closer to your face as his legs straddled each side of your torso.  He finished taking your pants off as his ass rested on your face like two firm pillows until he was pressing full weight on your warm face.

Anthony pulled out your dick and jerked you off as he leaned forward .  You gripped his waist and pushed his butt farther down onto your face as his cheeks spread further apart in his underwear.

BbBbBBrRRrRoOommMmpppFffttt.

This was the first of his farts that you ever took directly to the face and the smell hit you instantly. You had no choice but to breathe it in and smell his toxic fumes.  “Ahhhh fuck baby, having your face on my ass is what I've been waiting for.”  Even through his thin briefs, you could still taste the bitter aroma of the enormous plate he ate earlier. 

He ascended up giving you a moment of semi-fresh air with the smell of his farts still lingering and pulled down his underwear to reveal his glorious, tan bubble butt.  It was slightly hairy and his raw, unwashed crack looked delicious. 

You were laying on your back in his king size bed as he spread his bare, tan ass across your face, feeling the rim of his smooth asshole brush up against your mouth.  “Don’t be shy babe, eat it up” he said as he was grinding on you, rocking up and down. It smelled so bitter yet sweet.  bBBBbruuppPppFfT “I mean it is Thanksgiving after all.”

He was moving his butt up and down your face while your tongue was going in and out of his dirty hole.

BBbbbrrRrRAaaaaPppptt 

“Ahhhh there you go, baby” he sighed as your tongue pressed against his hole and penetrated deep into his anal canal, causing him to realase more gas down your throat. 

PhhFfrttPtt.

“Kiss it for me, babe?”  He kept ripping ass while still grinding on your open mouth and up your nose.  You knew it was the only air you would be breathing tonight but you didn’t care.  You were in heaven with Anthony, enjoying all his gas. 

“Fuuuucckkkkk babe, I hope you weren’t tired tonight, because I have no plans of stopping.”  You opened your mouth and planted it around his ass, pushing deeper as he pressed harder on your smothered face. 

BRRRrrRrooOommFfrRRooUUmppttTT

“Mmmhhhhh-ugh” Anthony was moaning in pleasure as your entire mouth surrounded his throbbing hole.  He ripped more and more ass.  You could feel the pressure release from his body as he moaned in relief.  

Even though you could barely breathe, you kept licking Anthony’s hole and taking all of his bitter farts, as you felt his warm mouth surround your throbbing cock. You released loads of thick cum down his throat until it overflowed from his mouth.  “Nngghhh” You heard a faint strain from above before

BBBBBBBbBBbbbrRRruuUuUMUmNnnNNNMMPPPpPpFfftTTTtttTTsss

The strong pressure from his hole released a violent, meaty eruption of farts that lasted more than 60 seconds, with his toxic fumes releasing directly into your face, forcing you to breathe pure gas.  Your vision became blurry until you were unconscious, knocked out by Anthony’s dirty farts.

[randomprose]

“What the fuck are you eating?”

“Uhh,” He Tian looks up from his spread of instant noodles, an unpeeled boiled egg, a half pack of Hot Cheetos, a banana, and two Monster drinks all bought from the convenience store a block away from their apartment. “Girl dinner?”

“A what?” Mo Guan Shan looks at He Tian like he just spoke another language as he puts down the bag of groceries on the kitchen counter.

“You know,” He Tian makes a vague waving motion with his hand that’s not submerge inside the Cheeto packet. “Girl dinner.”

Mo Guan Shan continues to stare at him like he’s gone crazy—which, to be fair, is a look he gives He Tian at least once a day since they’ve known each other.

“Girl dinner! From TikTok! How can you not know what girl dinner is?!”

“You keep saying that like it actually means something.” The condescending look Mo Guan Shan shoots He Tian is enough to put a lesser man to shame. 

But! He Tian is not, and therefore, undeterred. Besides, he gets that look from Mo Guan Shan often enough that he’s built up an immunity. So, he just puts down his chopsticks, licks his hands clean of Cheeto dust, and pulls out his phone to open TikTok.

“Wait. Lemme show you. I can’t believe you’ve never heard of girl dinner. It’s all over TikTok.”

“And what the hell is a TikTok?”

“Ah, sorry. I meant, Douyin. TikTok is just what they call it in the states.”

“If it’s the same then just fucking say Douyin.”

“Whatever. Come here and watch this.”

Mo Guan Shan walks to where He Tian is seated on the couch. He’s pulled up a video and in it, the person is eating…a macaroni and cheese in a wine glass. What the hell. The audio is in English but Mo Guan Shan has taken enough lessons to understand what it says. And then it’s followed by a ridiculous tune singing 'girl dinner' over and over.

He Tian scrolls to more videos and all of them are just food combinations that get more and more appalling to Mo Guan Shan.

A half-eaten sandwich and a glass of chocolate milk, coleslaw and beer, chicken nugget dinosaurs and a couple of cheese cubes. He even saw one that was just a slice of cold pizza and her…anti-depressants.

“What the fuck.”

“See, the idea is it’s not a full meal,” He Tian explains. “Just whatever you have that you can eat because it’s just dinner anyway.”

“Yeah, I got that,” Mo Guan Shan says. “What the fuck.”

“You have to admit though. Infainess to me, I’m eating way better than these people,” He Tian says as he scrolls through his feed, shovelling more Cheetos into his mouth. “I mean, now that I think about it, this isn’t actually girl dinner at all! I’ve got carbs, protein, sugars—hell, I even have a fruit. This is basically a full course meal, yeah?

Mo Guan Shan’s eyes look between He Tian and the spread he has on the coffee table before once again leveling him with a stare that implies he’s gone insane. He’s not sure if he’s being serious or messing with him because He Tian’s relationship with food has always been weird in Mo Guan Shan’s opinion.

“He Tian, you—” He sighs before standing back to return to the kitchen. “Swear to god you went overseas for a couple of years and you got whitewashed.”

“Wha—” He Tian stops mid-chew of his noodles. “Whitewashed? This was how I ate before I met you!”

The pitying look Mo Guan Shan shoots him this time offends him, He Tian’s not gonna lie. 

Mo Guan Shan honestly has no idea how He Tian kept himself alive before he started making him cook for him. He packs away the groceries before starting on dinner prep. A proper dinner. And not that idiotic girl dinner bullshit He Tian is stuffing himself up with. Fucking idiot.

He starts cutting up some vegetables for a quick stir fry after putting on the rice cooker and seasoning some chicken cutlets he plans to grill. He rolls his eyes when he looks up and sees He Tian is still eating his stupid girl dinner meal but at least he’s eating the banana now.

“If you’ve still got an appetite after that junk you just ate you’re welcome to join me for a real dinner.”

“I always have room for your cooking. You know that.”

“Alright.”

“You need help or anything?”

“Nah. It’s fine. This’ll be done quick. Just set the table when I tell you to.”

“Copy that.”

It’s silent then save for He Tian scrolling through his phone and watching videos. Every now and then, something will make him chuckle and Mo Guan Shan will feel his phone vibrate in his pocket which means He Tian has sent those videos to him. Later, they’ll lay in bed and He Tian will watch those videos again with him and laugh all over.

The rice cooker timer goes off just as Mo Guan Shan turns off the stove. He Tian throws his trash and tucks his phone away to set the table.

“Why are you eating that shit anyway?” Mo Guan Shan asks as he scoops rice onto their bowls.

“There wasn’t anything in the fridge I can make. I wasn’t sure what time you’ll be back and you weren’t answering your phone”

“I was in line at the cashier. Couldn’t pick up.”

“Well, you weren’t home and I was hungry. So.”

“Well, I’m here now so quit eating shit like you’re a broke college student. You’re not eating girl meal—”

“Girl dinner.”

“—or whatever the fuck you called that garbage. Not in my fucking kitchen you're not. 

“Alright, alright. Geez. So strict, Little Mo.”

“Tch. For such a picky eater you eat absolute trash. I thought I trained that out of you by now.”

“What am I a dog?”

“Nah. I’ve seen dogs who eat better than you.”

“Oh, like that one lady who has two huskies? Yeah, I’ve seen her videos. Those dogs eat like kings. I mean, prime cut steaks every day? Fuck.”

“Shit. I know, right? And she even cooks them too like—”

The rest of dinner is spent is spent idly chatting. Mo Guan Shan puts more vegetables in He Tian’s bowl which he eats without complaints because he knows it makes him happy. After dinner, He Tian washes the dishes while Mo Guan Shan makes them tea and thinks about dishes he can stock the fridge with that He Tian can just heat up whenever he gets hungry.

They fall asleep scrolling through the videos He Tian has sent Mo Guan Shan throughout the day. 

[angelbirdo]

Weird Human Shit: Neurodivergency Edition

Wow hey so I died for a while and came back with a totally different hyperfixation? Who'd'a thunk it.

I've seen a total of one (1) post about neurodivergency in humans and how aliens react to it, which is like well and fine, it was a good post, but I haven't seen any posts like "some humans chew things. like a lot. it's bad for their teeth but they feel violently compelled to. they don't drink from a cup, they need a rubber straw because the metal ones in space are "icky"." These won't all be about neurodivergency specifically, but I wanted to hop on the band wagon and have it on my mind so here we are.

-some humans talk a lot. like. a lot a lot. sure, most of them talk a lot compared to most alien species, but some of them get really into specific things for very short periods of time and then forget about them entirely for up to a few years before going "I wonder why I stopped thinking about that" and the cycle repeats. If your human starts talking and talking and talking and talking, it's not rude to ask them to slow down.

-Imagine being an alien and most humans expect you to and initiate eye contact when starting and god forbid HOLDING a conversation. You meet another human and think "here we go again", look at them, but they just. won't look at YOU. you worry you've done something wrong until they look at you for a second and go "You're staring, are you okay?" and you remember that human norms are non-existent and that the only consistent thing about humans is the inconsistency.

-Aliens on a ship with a (relatively) strict schedule, at least in terms of work hours. In space, days are irrelevant because, yk, ship, days are very different on different planets. A day on Venus is 5,800 hours. A day on Earth is 24. You get the picture. Human wakes up at random times during the "night" to do god knows what. they're not supposed to be out of the sleeping quarters at night, but honestly, the other crewmates are too afraid to stop them. Eventually, another alien is disturbed by the sound of singing from the bathroom. There's a human bathing in the middle of the night. WHY. are they AWAKE. they're not SUPPOSED TO BE. Go the fuck back to SLEEP.

-Humans will eat anything, right? Except for some humans. Some humans will only eat like... a few different meals. They are picky eaters. They don't like the texture of rice. They love mashed potatoes for some god awful reason. They drown everything in whatever liquid is appropriate to whatever they're eating (gravy for the aforementioned potatoes, ranch for chicken, you even saw a human with KETCHUP on their macaroni and cheese. you've only ever smelled ketchup but you know better than to expect anything less from a human by now) and will not eat it without that liquid. They only eat meals THEY prepare because the way it was made was Not Right. They didn't spread mayo on both buns. They didn't put cheese between the pickles and bun. This food is Inedible and I will Starve to Death before I eat it.

-Some humans make strange noises with their mouths. Talking could be considered a strange noise, to be fair, human language is always evolving, but sometimes the noises mean nothing at all. You're confused because it has to mean SOMETHING, they just don't want to tell you, but repeating the same sound over and over again is just. strange. they do it alone. they do it with a select few crewmates around. They won't tell you what it means. They eventually tell you they just LIKE making the sound, and you leave it at that.

-Humans are social creatures, they enjoy physical contact. What's sort of strange is that some humans will go out of their way to find fake body parts to hug (*cue boyfriend pillow infomercial*). What's even STRANGER is that they will find MADE UP CHARACTERS and print them onto a pillow. Why, you ask them? They're just lonely.

-A human that likes cats so much they sometimes slow blink at other crewmates. Nobody has asked why, but they sort of want to. Humans are just weird, they tell themselves.

-Some humans hurt other humans for fun, especially when they're young and have power over them. This is called "child abuse" and often leads to something called "emotional trauma" and results in even stranger, even more instinctual behaviors from humans, and sometimes even "personality disorders".

-Imagine being an alien and a human crewmate has BPD. You're just minding your own business and they storm in, stomp around the room, then storm back out. You ask what's wrong, they go "nothing im fine" and you just. what are you supposed to do?

It's literally 12:16 AM as I hit post, I hope these aren't totally ineligible lmfao

[missroki]

WELCOME TO THE COOK BOOK (MUTUALS LIST!)

listed down below are all of my beloved mutuals. even if we don’t talk often, i see you and i love you! you pop up on my dash and my day gets just a little bit better. a lot of these recipes came directly from the person they’re linked to while others are based on how I perceive you. if you’re missing from the list, let me know! sorin.

AALI — strawberry danish with a custard filling

NEESIE — brown sugar and cinnamon oatmeal

LORELEI — apple pie with a scoop of vanilla icecream

DIVI — the vanilla ice cream on the side of lorelei’s pie

MELLO — hot chocolate fudge ice cream bar

LOLLY — blackberry cheesecake with a graham cracker crust

NARA — chocolatey brownies with a deep coffee taste

SPONGE — vanilla sponge cake (of course)

SUKI — multi-tier princess cake with pearls

OAK — iced cinnamon rolls

V — peach crisp parfait pops

MASIE — caramel icecream

BRIA — strawberry shortcake with whipped cream

LUMI — peach cobbler

PARADIS — traditional italian tiramisu

LONI — ichigo daifuku

JADE — peppermint fudge squares

LILY — banana nut muffins

VENECIA — tres leches

TAY – juicy red candy apples

ELLIE — cinnamon rolls

VEGAS — key lime pie

CELLA — cinnamon banana bread

TALLULAH — rice and peas with oxtail gravy

DEJA — mom’s pot roast with garlic mashed potatoes

NIKKI — nigiri style sushi

SEL — bibimbap with gochujang-honey-sesame sauce

POOH — samp and beans

DUSA — spicy ramen with a fried egg and bean sprouts

BRI — lasagna

LUNA — classic chicken pot pie

MONTY — bulgogi rice bowl

SAINT — chicken club sandwich

KENDALL — caldo verde with a fresh loaf of bread

DEE — creamy chicken alfredo with broccol

MACARONI — mac n cheese (obviously!)

MARQUIE — classic pan seared potstickers

RHY — a turkey and swiss sandwich on rye bread (get it?)

JEN — jerk chicken and rice

CALLIE — sichuan chicken with broccoli and cabbage

ISLA — sushi

SAE — veggie rice noodle stir fry

ARI — lemon pasta with fish sauce and thai chili

VIOLET — mushroom risotto

[mariacallous]

Of all the dishes I’ve made for my family over the years, chicken and potato sofrito is probably the most popular, especially as the kids were growing up.

Sofrito is a Sephardi dish of meat (chicken, usually with the skin on, or beef chunks, seasoned with salt and pepper) and potatoes. It’s cooked for a long time on low heat with very little liquid. Traditionally, the potatoes are deep fried before they’re added to the meat. The occasional onion or root vegetable, such as carrots; squeeze of lemon juice; or pinch of cardamom and turmeric are added, but that’s about it. The slow cooking produces a concentrated sauce — the perfect example of a dish that’s larger than the sum of its simple ingredients.

And just to clarify: Sephardi sofrito should not be confused with the sofrito sauce of tomato, pepper and garlic that’s the base of many dishes in Latino, Spanish and Italian (where it is spelled soffritto) cuisines. Although, as we’ll see, all these versions are somehow related.

The word sofrito comes from the Catalan “sofregit” and Spanish “sofreír,” that mean to lightly fry something. According to Britannica.com, the origins of sofrito can be traced back to Catalonia, to a dish called sofregit. The dish emerged after new vegetables, such as carrots were introduced to the Iberian Peninsula by the Moors. The earliest recipe for sofregit appeared in the Catalan cookbook “Libre de Sent Soví,” circa 1324, and included onions, leeks, garlic and salt pork slowly cooked together. 

It’s only after “discovering” the New World that tomatoes and peppers were added to the mix, which resulted in the sauce that’s so popular today. But by that time, the Jews had been expelled from the Iberian Peninsula. With the expulsion from Spain, Sephardi Jews emigrated to North Africa, parts of Europe and the Ottoman Empire, bringing the basic dish of lightly fried root vegetables and meat with them.

Some moved to modern day Israel in the 15th century, and even more during the 16th century after the Spanish Inquisition. They settled mainly in Jerusalem, Tiberias (where they called the dish sifrito), Safed (where it was sometimes known as sofrita) and Hebron. More Sephardi Jews arrived in the 19th century, mainly from Turkey and the Balkans. 

“The Beauty Queen of Jerusalem,” a novel (and now a TV show on Netflix) by Sarit Yishai-Levi, follows four generations of the Sephardi Ermoza family in Jerusalem. Sephardi food descriptions are an essential part of the story, and among dishes such as hamin macaroni and biscochos, there is also mention of sofrito. 

“My mother Luna passed away shortly before my eighteenth birthday. A year earlier, while the whole family was sitting around the table for lunch as usual and she was serving her famous sofrito with peas and white rice, she sat down on her chair and said, ‘Dio santo, I can’t feel my leg.’”

Matilda Koen-Sarano includes two sofrito recipes from Jerusalem in her Sephardi cookbook “Gizar kon Gozo” (Cooking with Ladino Flavors, written in Hebrew and Ladino). The first is a simple beef shoulder sofrito with nothing but potato, onion, oil, salt and pepper, which is the most popular version of the dish in Israel today. The second is made with chicken thighs, potatoes and many spices and taste agents, such as tomato paste and garlic.

In another Sephardi cookbook from Jerusalem, “The Cook from Agripas St.” (written in Hebrew), author Aviva Ben-Joseph includes three sofrito recipes. They’re all, in fact, different types of beef stews cooked with very little liquid on low heat; none of them contain potatoes or other vegetables.

Sofrito was also eaten by Sephardi Jews in Egypt. Cookbook author and food historian Claudia Roden includes two Egyptian sofrito recipes in “The Book of Jewish Food” from her own family: one with chicken and one with veal. She writes that the potatoes were originally deep fried before they were added to the pot with the meat, but says that her mother switched to tiny boiled new potatoes when the family moved to London. (The Jewish community as a whole left Egypt after the establishment of the state of Israel.)

In my house, sofrito means warm, satisfying homecoming. My version is as minimal as can be, and really easy to prepare. I use skinless, boneless chicken thighs, potatoes, oil, turmeric, salt and pepper, but you can use any cut of meat and add other root vegetables to the potatoes. Since both the chicken and the potatoes need the same cooking time, about one hour, I can fry the potatoes in the same dish as the chicken, adding even more flavor to the potatoes, and saving a dirty dish. I hope you’ll give it a go; maybe it will become your own family’s comfort dish, too.

[omiyagiri]

Osamu "Glorified Babysitter of Atsumu And Atsumu's Significant Other" Miya

pairing: atsumu x gn!reader cw: swearing word count: 1.6k

Osamu’s a glorified babysitter. Things just work out that way when he’s dumped out of the womb and not long after his dumbfuck twin is vice-gripping his ankle like a lifeline. Then you came along, clutching onto the hem of his shirt, Atsumu in tow, saying: "Osamu? Do I need to boil water for ramen or can I just eat it raw?" — and suddenly he’s your glorified babysitter as well.

It’s the weekend. His one-day weekend. Which he has once a month. He throws his hat on the couch, pushes his fingers through his hair, and sinks into his couch. Before his fingers can even twitch towards the remote, his phone jostles in his pocket. Oh boy. A million different theories come to mind and all of them are in some way related to Atsumu—Because it’s only Atsumu who’d have the audacity to contact him on his weekend.

But when he tugs his phone out of his pocket and thumb-flicks the screen to life, what he sees almost makes him have a heart attack.

You: osa

You: osamu*. how do i make broth

Osamu: what kind of broth?

You: therE are different kinds? :0

Osamu takes in a deep, steadying breath. He then reaches for his cap and shoves it back down on his head.

Osamu: don’t fucking touch anything in that kitchen i’m on my way.

His "Atsumu’s fucked up" senses are tingling before he’s even crossed into the threshold of your apartment. He’s carrying a duffel bag he hasn’t used since High School. It's full of ingredients, because he can't trust you and Atsumu to buy the shit necessary to prepare basic broth. The Inarizaki logo taunts him in the time it takes you for you to crack open the door and peer at him with one wide visible eye.

"Osamu?" you say.

"Atsumu, actually," he says.  

Your mouth falls open and you swivel your gaze from him to something behind you. Osamu blinks.

"No you're not." You squint at him. "Atsumu's been here the whole time."

"Y'know," says Osamu, voice twinged with exasperation, "the two of ya deserve each other."

It looks like his joke flew right over your head. You open the door wider for him and ask for him to shed his shoes in the genkan. He waves you off, not needing you to nanny him on basic common sense and societal norms. Unfortunately you take this as your cue to backseat instruct him on where the kitchen is, where all the appliances are, and the status of the cooking utensils.

Osamu releases a breath. "I have literally cooked in yer kitchen more than you have. I know these things."

"It was just in case you forgot," you say, a shadow riding on his heels. You follow him, invading his personal space as he rifles through cabinets and retrieves the necessary equipment.

"Give me some space, will ya?" He scowls at you, but there's not much bite to it. "Why not go hang out with the inferior Miya?"

You shake your head and sigh. "He's not feeling well. That's why I wanted to make him some soup, but I didn't know how."

Osamu tries not to laugh, but the struggle is real. "Idiots don't catch colds."

Before you can respond, in shuffles a zombielike Atsumu. His face is pallid and there's a feverish haze curtaining his temple. A blanket is wrapped around his shivering shoulders—The blanket he'd stolen from Osamu's apartment the last time he spent the night. Guess it's his for good, now.

Atsumu itches at his mask, pouty and whiney. Essentially he's the same, only his personality is amplified to the nth degree. Osamu clings koala-tight onto his patience because he knows he's going to need it for this.

"'re ya gonna make me some macaroni?" Atsumu asks him, eyes owlishly wide and voice muffled by the mask. He coughs scratchily.

You reach over and rub his shoulders.

"No," says Osamu. Change of plans. "I'm gonna make you some fuckin' rice porridge."

"What broth does rice porridge use?" you ask.

"It's." Osamu rubs the nape of his neck and again, inhales, exhales. He tries again, this time exaggerating the syllables of his words as if he's talking to literal children. "It's porridge. There's no broth involved."

"No broth," Atsumu says. His eyes water and Osamu literally can't tell if it's because of his sickness or because he's about to break into tears because of this news. "Why?"

"Because it's porridge."

"What if we add broth to it," you say. "Since Atsumu wants broth."

Osamu realizes this is an uphill battle. Therefore: It's not one he wants to have. He pretends to acquiesce as he lowers the tip of his cap and focuses on the ingredients laid out on the countertop. "Sure."

Atsumu and you celebrate with a double high-five and a secret handshake. "Yay-ee!"

Osamu dies a bit inside.

For a whole hour Osamu hogs the kitchen and tries to keep the two of you out, but you're like lost children in an amusement park. You both wander around, watching him with awed eyes like he's performing magic tricks with his hands.

"Are you sure there's no broth?" you say. "You're using water."

Osamu doesn't want to get behind the technicalities anymore of what constitutes as a broth, so he bites the bullet on this one and lets the porridge cook in the chicken stock he brought with him. "Yup. It's a broth. Want a taste?"

Atsumu perks up and immediately he's trading places with you and opening his mouth. Osamu rolls his eyes.

"You can feed yerself," he tells him while handing over the spoon.

"Yer not gonna do it for me?" Atsumu sniffles. "I'm sick, though. Ya gotta be all gentle and spoonfeed me."

You pluck the spoon from Atsumu, dip it into the broth, and bring it back up to his lips. "I'll feed you, best friend!"

Atsumu pulls a face. "Never mind I fuckin' lost my appetite. Ya gonna pull the friendzone joke on me again?" As an afterthought, and because it's the one phrase he likes to parrot over and over and fucking over again when he's in this state: "I'm sick."

"My best boyfriend," you correct.

Atsumu takes a big bite and yelps when he burns his tongue.

"Alright, shoo. Get outta my kitchen." Osamu herds you both away from the counter and into the living room.

"That's my kitchen, ya dumbass," says Atsumu. You nod your agreement while folding your arms.

"Naw. It's actually mine and ya both are tryna claim squatter's rights. Get out or I'm callin' the cops."

"But I'm siii-iiiiick," Atsumu wails as Osamu shoves him onto the couch.

"He's sick," you say as Osamu then distracts you with a mobile game on his phone and tells you to share with Atsumu.

The two of you huddle together, cheeks pressed, with the phone balanced on your lap. It's a puzzle game. Which means it's a time-consuming distraction to keep the two of you out of his hair.

From his periphery he watches the two of you work together and discuss strategy. He's already made it past level ten and you both are already having trouble in the tutorial stage. God. How the fuck are the two of you still alive? Maybe he's an enabler. But he'd be lying if he said his heart didn't throb in that sickly sweet way when he sees his brother squeeze his arms around you and snuggle into your shoulder.

Or the way you laugh, and tease him for being needy, but still cave to his stupid childlike tendencies.

So he watches, trying to fight the dumb smile off his face, as the two of you lace hands and forget you're being watched—Or maybe, it's the fact he watches that you both felt comfortable enough to lose yourselves in the moment and hold each other impossibly close.

You and Atsumu both lift your hands to win his already-won attention, and beam him shiny, all-tooth smiles. You lift his phone so he could see you've passed the tutorial.

He gives a thumbs-up. "Good job. Now try to get past the first stage."

Atsumu nudges you. "Yer trash at this game."

"Don't be mean I will cough on you."

"I'm already sick!"

"I'll make you cough on me, and then when you're better and I'm sick, I'll cough on you."

Atsumu's eyes glow in that way where he remembers something that no one else gives a shit about. "I watched a documentary yesterday and it said that yer less likely to get sick from the same thing cuz you've already built an immunity towards it."

"That's weird," says Osamu. You both glance at him. "Cuz I've been sick of you for the past twenty-two years."

You and Osamu share an air-high-five while Atsumu yells out a pitched: "'Samu shut the fuck up!" —Before breaking out into a fit of coughs that rends his throat and has you gently rubbing the panes of his back until he's settled.

"Don't get mad at him just because he's right, Atsumu."

Atsumu cringes and coughs on you.

You delete the progress the both of you had made on the tutorial and start from a new game slate. Atsumu shrieks in betrayal.

Yup. Osamu sighs. The two of you deserve each other.

by wobbles a/n: might write more "osamu observes how you and atsumu play hot potato with a singular brain cell and sometimes he's forced to intervene before you two start a fire on accident" that take place in the same universe since these are fun

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

Do you have any one pot recipes? I’m a beginner level cook if you can call it that and I get so stressed out by too many pots and pans and mess

I don't really cook a lot of one-pot dishes the way you might be envisioning. My only one-pot dish is macaroni and cheese, but that recipe uses an instant pot. I think of shepherd's pie as a one-pot dish but it's actually a 3-pot dish (I wash the first two dishes while it's finishing in the oven in the 3rd dish).

If you're okay with two-dish meals, then these might be helpful. About 75% of my cooking these days come from one of these resources:

One Dish Kitchen - single portion meals. Her coq au vin is my favorite. I make it with mashed potatoes.

Cooking For One - from America's Test Kitchen. The beef and broccoli is my favorite here. (I found this book at my library and tried a few recipes first before buying my own copy.) I use microwave minute rice a lot.

I'm a big fan of risotto. Cook the protein (chicken, scallop, shrimp, whatever you like) in the oven and prepare the risotto stove-top in a sauce pan or a skillet. You'll need a second pot for stock/broth, but you can also do risotto in a pressure cooker/Instant Pot to cut down on the dishes.

I also like to do sheet pan dinners, where I roast a protein and veggies on the same baking sheet and then make a sauce stove-top while that's in the oven. I usually do salmon and broccoli with a lemon garlic sauce or chicken, asparagus, and potatoes with a butter sauce.

And it's not a sheet pan dinner, it's a skillet dinner but I love doing a porkchop in a skillet and when the meat is resting, sauteeing veggies in the same skillet with some additional butter or olive oil.

(My recipes for risotto, lemon garlic sauce, and butter sauce were from the internet but I've had them for so long that I can't find them online anymore. If you're interested, I'm happy to write them up and share! I think they're pretty easy - I found them when I was a beginner cook myself, having just moved out on my own 10 years ago.)

I was just gifted Compact Cooking and while I haven't cooked from it yet, all the recipes look good and manageable for a novice who doesn't want a lot of mess! You can find a lot of her recipes on Instagram and TikTok if you don't want to buy the book just yet.

[samantha-and-her-chaotic-desires]

“🖊“

EHUEHEUEHEHE surprise us w any of ur ocs B) SENDING MUCH LOVE UR WAYYY <333

WAHHHH TYTYTYTYYYY TYSM <3333

ALSO ANY OC? BET LOL HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"The Marvelous Mandisa" - Mandisa Sephtis:

FIRST IDEAS:

I wanted to do a Sphinx character for Lackadaisy! But oh my GOD she was so HARD TO DRAW. So WRINKLY. Nonetheless she's one of my favorite designs!

Her suit color palette is faded green and light brown, something subtle and not too flashy. She also has a rose regalia pinned on her jacket lapel.

Heeled boots heeled boots heeled boots heeled boots---

I didn't have much of a process, but she originally had a cane. Didn't like that idea, it made her too...showman-y, and don't get me wrong! I enjoy showmen, but it wasn't the vibe for her.

^This beautiful baby was my main inspiration for her design. I love Sphinxes <3333

I originally wanted to make her have two normal eyes and normal ears, but I gave her a glass eye---mainly for trying to figure out what I wanted to do/something new to try out!

I wanted to make her like...fifty years old, but she's in her thirties now lol plus she has three kids!

I wanted to make her of Persian-Egyptian descent, too!

Her voice claim would be Emily Blunt! Specifically Tempest Shadow from MLP lololol

FACTS/HEADCANONS:

She has three kids! Malachi, Cassandra, and Aziraphale. I honestly just picked names off the top of my head. Though Aziraphale was DEFINITELY because of Good Omens, and how I am not okay after that ending honestly, STILL NOT.

She is divorced: her husband Lorenzo was not kind to her as the years went on. Hence why she has a glass eye and scratches on her right eye. Her youngest son Aziraphale left with Lorenzo, Cassandra and Malachi staying behind with Mandisa.

Mandisa plays the violin: she used to perform with her second oldest, Cassandra, and her last show was in 1922, a month before Lorenzo left Mandisa.

She lives in the same apartment complex as Lacrimosa! Mandisa is also a hired assassin for Lacrimosa, working in the Rose Brigade

Her former occupation was a violinist and performer! Hence why she was called "The Marvelous Mandisa".

She loooooves making koshary for Malachi and Cassandra.

Koshary is an Egyptian dish (down below), and it consists of rice, lentils, macaroni, Vermicelli, tomato sauce, vegetable oil, onions, cumin, and coriander!

Her first name means "sweet" in Egyptian and African descent, and her last name means "eternal death", from Persian descent.

She is most likely to be redeemed.

She is bisexual! <3

ROLE/PURPOSE/OTHER STUFF:

Left hand woman to Lacrimosa! Though she kind of hates her guts most of the time...

She has a lover named James Monroe, a Maine Coon, and he is the SWEETEST THING to her.

She knows how to get her job done, quickly and painlessly, and she is a no-nonsense type of woman. She will NOT stand for lies or cheaters.

She doesn't play her violin much anymore...if anything, she plays it for Malachi and Cassandra. Other than that, she does not bring it out to the public: she fears for her already shattered reputation.

Her song if it were 2023 would be Don't Make Me by Malinda!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS WAS A BIT SHORTER THAN I HOPED, BUT I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS!!! <3333

[wuxiaphoenix]

Worldbuilding: The Quest for Pizza

No matter where in time and space you are, foods that taste like home make life so much better. There are a lot of American comfort foods that might be replicable in 1600s Northeast Asia, if you knew what you were doing. Off the top of my head, some classics include: apple pie, mac and cheese, jambalaya, spaghetti, hamburgers and French fries, and pizza.

Apple pie would be one of the easiest to pull off. Pastries are pretty much a thing everywhere you’ve got wheat flour, sugar’s available, and apples can be found all over given they went in both directions down the Silk Road, travelers knowing a good thing when they bit it. A little cinnamon for spice would be the most expensive part, but it’d be available; the spice trade is up and running all over the place. Give a local cook a good description, or ask for some kitchen time, and a slice of hot apple pie is entirely possible.

Mac and cheese should also be possible, though you may have to get a bit more creative. Noodles, definitely available. Macaroni or shell-style? That, you would have to describe a dough press for. Or just get flat fettuccini-style noodles and go with it. It’s probably easier to get yogurt than milk, but you can get cheese... if you’re in a northern area influenced by the Mongols and related tribes. So, if you’re in or around Manchuria (named for the Manchus), you’ve got it. It won’t be cheddar, not unless you wrangle that off some English traders, but actual water-buffalo mozzarella is a possibility! And if you like a little chili powder to add a hint of heat? So long as it’s post-1520s, you’re in luck. The Portuguese brought chilis along in their galleys. We can date chilis in China to somewhere between 1520-1550s, in Japan by the 1570s, and they were widespread in Korea by 1614; likely brought over by Hideyoshi’s invasion of 1592-1598.

Which leads us to jambalaya. Chilis, meat, rice, sausage, basil, oregano, garlic, onions, cilantro, and a lot of recipes call for tomatoes. Garlic and onions are ubiquitous in Eurasia; oregano and coriander (cilantro) are also in Asia, and basil’s originally from India. Tomatoes... yes, they would be there, European trade brought them in the 1500s too. But most people thought they were decorative, not so much food. You can get them. Convincing other people to eat them might take a bit.

With all those ingredients, spaghetti should be a given. Mangia!

Hamburgers and French fries, though - likely not. Oh, you can do ground meat, ketchup, and pickles, but potatoes didn’t historically get to China until almost the very end of the Ming Dynasty, brought by the Dutch right as the Manchus crashed the party and created the Qing Dynasty. Korean relations with the Manchus were touchy. Which might explain why Korea historically didn’t get potatoes until the 1800s.

But the trickiest of all would be pizza, at least if you like the classic ham, onions, green peppers and cheese. There’s some disagreement on exactly when bell peppers (almost no heat) were created from chili peppers (varying degrees of heat). Jefferson may have encountered a variety in the 1800s. But most people trace them back to Hungary in the 1920s. That’s right, green bell peppers in the 1600s would be historically inaccurate.

...I can guarantee you if Jason ever gets back to modern Earth, he’s raiding a seed catalog. Pizza!

[oddeyevibes]

Chapter 1 - We Only See Each Other At Weddings and Funerals

Summary

30 years ago, a woman named Deidre went into an unexpected labor and promptly gave the baby up. 30 years later, that baby is celebrating the death of the asshole that adopted her.

Warnings? Click here

On the 12th hour of October 1st, 1989, 43 women around the world gave birth. This was unusual only in the fact that none of these women were pregnant when the day first began.

Crown Heights, New York

October 1st, 1989

11:30ish

A young woman in her mid to late twenties sat next to the window of the Caribbean restaurant she frequented. The restaurant’s logo was on the window, blocking her face from the view of any passerby. She sat there patiently waiting for her order of Macaroni Pie with a side of fried rice. The same thing she always ordered.

The shouting of the staff and the music filling providing ambiance was nothing compared to the other world she was drowning herself in through the novel The Queen of The Damned. It was Anne Rice’s most recent work in her Vampire series, detailing the melancholic misadventures of several vampires as they contemplated the meaning behind their eternal existence.

“Deidre!”

A voice called out to her.

The woman--Deidre--looked up from her book to see one of the waitresses with her order, placing the styrofoam container in front of her.

“Thank you.” Deidre said softly.

The waitress nodded with a soft smile before leaving to tend to other customers. Deidre closed her book, leaving a corner of the page bent so she can find her spot later. She smiled down at her food, after a long day at work, she deserved this. She was never one to deny herself a little self-care.

Deidre took one bite and then she started to feel…weird.

There was a pain in her stomach and the intensity just kept building more and more. She looked down to see a sight she wasn’t prepared for, nor was anyone else in the restaurant when they turned to the screaming woman and watched as her stomach grew larger and larger.

It was like witnessing an accelerated pregnancy. Then her water broke. Everyone scrambled to get her comfortable and prepare for the birth of this…miracle child that grew in the span of like 10 seconds. Spare table cloths were used as blankets to wrap the bundle of confusion as she came into the world screaming. The anxieties were only made worse by the lights flickering in the store.

For all it was worth, the baby was healthy in every way. Of course, the news stations flocked to see their local miracle baby. 42 other babies around the world had been born on the same day in similar circumstances.

Of course, it was made even weirder when an old man with a monocle came to the apartment complex looking for the baby.

And there the baby was, swaddled in a soft faded red blanket. Deidre got nervous as the man leaned in closer to inspect the baby.

“A-Are you with the government?”

The man stood up straight. “Heavens no!” he proclaimed. “The child? How much do you want for it?”

“What?!”

“How much? I’m willing to pay whatever amount you wish for the child.”

Deidre looked down at the baby before looking up at the man. She sat there silently for a bit before she spoke again. “Any amount?”

Thus, that child was the 8th baby adopted by Sir Reginald Hargreeves and brought to the Umbrella Academy. When all the children’s powers began truly manifesting, The baby became the most useful to a team unit, being able to heal others with light.

Even though they were all the same age, Number 8 was looked at as the youngest because of her demeanor. To keep it simple, she was a crybaby. One that easily led with a few choice words and harsh stares. It was both a blessing and a curse.

She was later named by their “mom” to be Y/N Hargreeves. Then 17 years later, after the death of Ben, Y/N Hargreeves was the first to leave the academy. In the dead of night, when most everyone slept, she went to her and Ben’s special room and climbed out through the window and was never seen again.

The designated “baby” and healer was the first pillar to fall and soon after, all the others did too.

———✨————

30 years later

Club Galerie

“Well, that was certainly a show you put on, Y/N.” Mother Hera sashayed in your direction as you leaned against the bar, still in your performance attire…sort of.

“What can I say? I was born to dazzle~” You added a bit of flair as you flashed some jazz hands, white light softly emitting from your fingertips.

She chuckled as she patted you on the back. “I thought I told you not to take gift shots anymore?”

“Who am I to deny the people?” You slurred.

“Well, make sure you count your tips for the night before you pass out, sweetie, hmm?”

“Yesssss…mother~”

Hera shook her head with a smile as she walked behind the bar, flicking on the small television. The sudden bright light in a sea of dim had no issue catching your attention as you squinted at the screen.

The words “breaking news” plastered on the screen as a news anchor announced the death of eccentric and reclusive billionaire, Sir Reginald Hargreeves….your dear old dad.

You scoffed. “Holy shit…the bastard finally croaked.”

Hera crossed her arms. “Hmm…how you feeling?”

You were silent. “...I dunno…”

News like this should’ve had you through the roof. You’ve always hated him for how he treated you and the others. Of course, you had heard that the others eventually left the academy minus Luther but that didn’t surprise you.

So why didn’t it feel…good?

Why didn’t something in you feel fulfilled?

The bane of your existence was dead and you didn’t even feel a flutter happening in your soul.

“The fuck is up with that?” You muttered.

“Is there gonna be a funeral? Need some company?”

“Nah, with my siblings, it’ll be awkward as hell for an outsider to be in between that. ‘Specially if a fight breaks out.”

“That happen often?”

“Oh yeah. Mostly between Luther and Diego. No, I should go alone. Someone’s gotta be the first piss on the old man’s grave and I’ll be damned if it isn’t me.”

Mother Hera giggled. She remembers when she first met you. At first, it was here and there. Seeing you sneak into some of the clubs to watch the performers. You had such good etiquette too. Knew to tip them well during their numbers by watching everyone else do so.

Then, she started seeing you more and more. It hit her that you might be homeless, so she offered you a home. Ended up teaching you everything you know now. You never knew how much you needed a parental figure like her.

None of your other siblings would probably believe the amount of progress you made with your powers and their evolution. Hera had a different approach than your dad.

Of course, she didn’t know much about being one of the miracle children but she figured the same approach to parenting would work, and it did.

Now your “new and improved and untraumatized” self would be reuniting with your siblings. Well, minus Klaus who you had already been in frequent communication with AKA you bailed him out of jail, picked him up from rehab, and gave him a place to crash every so often.

Vanya, you called every few months to check on her but nothing more. Everyone else? Nah.

“Hera, I'm gonna be on leave for a bit.”

Mother nodded as she watched you sway out of the bar. She let out a heavy exhale. “Lord, that child needs all the help she can get.”

——✨——

“The world is a cruel place, Number 8! Filled with cruel people! And none of them will care that you’re a wailing child!”

——✨——

You were jolted awake by the cab’s sudden stop. Peering out of the window at the extravagant entrance to the academy. You were so smug about the idea of strutting back in there but now?

Nothing but dread as you stepped out of the vehicle.

“My darling~ Glowbug!”

You smirked, looking over to see Klaus in his usual eccentric attire with his usual walk like the ground was nothing but a seesaw.

Number 4 wasted no time in throwing his arms around you. Surprisingly, he didn’t smell too much like liquor but that was probably because he was intoxicated on something else.

“Klaus, please tell me why the rehab let you out?”

Flashing his signature smile, “I’m drug-free, babe. I was given a second chance at freedom.”

“Second chance? Klaus!” You tilted your head to the side in disbelief.

Klaus frowned. “Don’t give me that look.”

“What have you been on since you’ve been out?” You asked, putting your hands on your hips.

“Everything!” Klaus heard Ben yell.

“Nothing!” He responded, immediately turning around to hush his dead brother which earned an eyebrow raise from you.

“Are you still…talking to Ben?”

The spirit waved in your direction despite knowing you didn’t see him. “Tell her I said hi.”

“No!” He glanced back at Ben and flipped him off. “Just some annoying sidewalk spirit.”

“How’s the club? I miss mother~”

“Mother does not miss you or your unpaid tab.” You told him, walking through the doors with him trailing behind you.

Stepping back into the main hall was like stepping through a time machine. It didn’t seem like a single thing changed since you left all those years ago.

“It’s like…looking at an old picture.” Klaus mused. “Feels weird being in here and not hearing dad yell at us.”

You softly laughed. “I know, right?”

Like clockwork, you ascended the stairs and walked to your favorite spot, Mom’s gallery. A smile formed as you remember the days of just sitting there with mom. Quietly enjoying each other’s company.

She would be cross-stitching and you’d be trying to replicate the paintings on the wall, especially the woman she admired so much. If there’s any good that came out of this place, it’s that mom helped you find your calling.

“Y/N?”

You turned to see Luther standing there with a stunned expression. It wasn’t all that surprising that he seemed to have gotten bigger.

“Hey, bro. Long time no see.” You smirked in his direction.

“Y-yeah, it’s been…awhile. Wow, you look…”

You giggled. “Yeah, I know. I’ve been experimenting with my look, like it?”

He was silent for a moment. “Yeah, it suits you.”

The two of you stood there in silence.

“Is anyone else here?” You asked.

“Just Diego.”

“Oh yeah? And how’s our little *he-rago?”

“Still Diego.”

Luther came closer. “It’s really nice to see you again.” You backed up a bit. Why did you feel weird?

“Yeah…nice to see you too.”

He gave a curt nod before walking past you.

“Oh! Klaus is also somewhere here.”

Luther was about to say something but stopped himself, seemingly already exhausted with the idea of running into him before he continued downstairs.

“Jesus, you too?” A voice spoke to you in a cold tone. “First Vanya, now you?”

It was none other than Diego, decked out in black tactical gear. You scoffed.

“What bank are you about to rob?”

“Why did you even come back here?” He was not amused by your comment. “You were the first of us to leave.”

“Well, it’s nice to see you too, Diego. Thought you’d be happy to see me. After all our last words to each other—well…your last words to me were pretty harsh.”

“So harsh you couldn’t handle it and ran away.”

“Running away is so negative, I prefer pursuing greener pastures than letting that old fart sacrifice me like a goat.” Your words were laced with such hatred that it made Diego a tiny bit proud.

“So why are you here?”

You shrugged. “I figured we were all gonna piss on his grave…and I call first dibs.”

With that, Diego brushed past you and continued downstairs to the house. So far, reuniting with Luther felt weird but Diego felt just right.

When Ben died, Diego blamed you in a fit of grief for letting him die. You remember getting so pissed that you blew out his bedroom lights, leaving your mother to replace them.

Luther wasn’t as antagonistic towards you but you always despised how he chased after your dad’s approval even at the expense of everyone else’s well-being.

Maybe you were feeling empty that Luther wasn’t more pissed off at you? Maybe a part of you was itching to tell him off?

With a moment of quiet, you sat down on the ottoman mom always reserved for you. You’re surprised that your father didn’t order her to put it away. Maybe she waited for you, hoping that you’d change your mind and come back home, back to your chair.

You laughed to yourself. ‘That’s a stupid thought.’

“Y/N…it’s good to see you.” An English-accented voice spoke to you. It was Pogo, your father’s right hand. “It’s been so long.”

You flashed a weak smile. “Hey Pogo.”

He calmly approached you with the assistance of his cane. “I was unsure if you would come.”

You were silent for a moment before leaning back against the railing that the ottoman was pressed up against.

“Yeah well…your shitty dad only dies once…gotta bask in it while you can.”

Pogo sighed. He wasn’t surprised that even you were relieved and enjoying this in some way. Not that he could blame you or your siblings after the way Sir Hargreeves raised you.

“You were still so young when you left. Did you have any hard times?”

“Homeless for a little bit…” That answer hurt his soul. “Then Mother Hera took me in. She’s good people.”

Pogo nodded. “I’m glad to hear that everything worked out for you. I wonder, are you still pursuing art?”

“Yep. Once mom opened that can of worms, there was no stopping me. I’m a cabaret performer. Who knew I shine on stage with a little bit of…razzle-dazzle.” Again, your fingertips lit up.

Safe to say, it was your favorite little party trick. Normal humans ate it up every time.

“That’s good to hear that you found something you can be passionate about. Being a superhero…was always a rough life for you.”

A pair of footsteps were heard ascending the staircase. “Y/N?” You heard. You already knew it was Allison.

You turned to face your sister. She seemed shocked but also happy to see you standing there.

“You actually came?”

You didn’t even give her a chance to continue before harshly brushing past her and heading downstairs. “Later Pogo.”

——✨——

Luther had called a meeting in the lobby. You stood before Five’s portrait as you waited for everyone to file in. Each sibling took a seat while Klaus played in the bar.

“Um…I guess we should get started.” Luther spoke as he stood up. “So I figured we could have a sort of memorial service in the courtyard at sundown. Say a few words, just at dad’s favorite spot?”

You snarked. “Where? in hell?”

Allison looked at Luther in confusion. “Dad had a favorite spot?”

Luther nodded. “You know, under the oak tree.”

There was a brief moment of silence before the big man continued.

“We used to sit out there all the time. None of you ever did that?”

Klaus sauntered over with a glass in his hand. “Will there be refreshments? Tea? Scones? Cucumber sandwiches are always a winner.”

“What? No. And put that out. Dad didn’t allow smoking in here.”

“What’s he gonna do? Rise from the grave to put it out?”

“Is that my skirt?” Allison asked Klaus, this caused you to finally turn to face everyone.

Klaus was, indeed, wearing a skirt.

“What? Oh, yeah, this. I found it in your room. It’s a little dated, I know,” he stood in the center of the room to lazily pose. “but it’s very breathey on the bits.” He joked.

“Listen up.” Everyone’s attention turned back to Luther. “Still some important things that we need to discuss, all right?”

Diego spoke up finally. “Like what?”

“Like the way he died.”

“And here we go.” Diego smirked in disbelief.

You sighed. “Luther, the elderly die from heart attacks every day, dad’s not special.”

Vanya nodded in your direction. “Are you saying it wasn’t a heart attack?”

“According to the coroner, it was.” Luther answered.

Vanya shrugged. “They would know, right?”

“Theoretically.”

“Theoretically?” Allison asked like she wasn’t believing what Luther was suggesting either.

You rolled your eyes. This was the aspect of Luther you hated. Always wanting to do a mile when your dad only wanted an inch.

“I’m just saying, at the very least, something happened. The last time I talked to dad, he sounded strange.”

“Oh, quelle surprise!” Klaus gurgled, earning a look of disgust as you went over and lightly hit him in the arm before sitting next to him.

“Don’t be gross.” You muttered to him.

“Strange how?” Allison questioned.

“He sounded on edge. Told me I should be careful who to trust.”

“Luther,” Diego stood up from his seat. “he was a paranoid, bitter old man who was starting to lose what was left of his marbles.”

“Bold of you to assume he had any to begin with Diego.”

“No. He must have known something was going to happen.” He turned to Klaus. “Look, I know you don’t like to do it, but I need you to talk to dad.”

Allison scoffed while you let out a loud exhale. Klaus groaned.

“I can’t just call dad in the afterlife and be like, “Dad, could you just…stop playing tennis with Hitler for a moment and take a quick call?”

You chuckled.

“Since when? That’s your thing.”

“Not when he's in a bad state of mind…” you let out.

“You’re high?”

Klaus didn’t even try to deny it. “Yeah! Yeah! I mean, how are you not, listening to this nonsense?”

“Well, sober up, this is important.”

You crossed your arms. “That’s now how drugs work, Luther.”

Klaus gestured in your direction, agreeing with you.

“Whatever, there’s also the issue of the missing monocle.”

Diego rolled his eyes. “Who gives a shit about a stupid monocle?”

“Exactly.” Luther turned to Diego. “It’s worthless. So whoever took it, I think it was personal.” He started looking at everyone around the room. “Someone close to him. Someone with a grudge.”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Oh, isn’t it obvious, Klaus? He thinks one of us killed dad.”

A wave of silence filled the room as everyone’s look of realization aimed at Luther, gradually replaced with a look of offense and shock.

“You do?”

There was more silence until you spoke up. “Pretty big claim coming from the one who never left dear old daddy’s side.”

“How could you think that?” Vanya was stunned.

Luther, being put in a negative spotlight, looked like he tried to find the right words.

Diego mocked him as he left. “Great job, Luther. Way to lead.”

Luther’s words were coming out broken. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

Klaus was the next to get up. “You’re crazy, man. You’re crazy. Crazy.”

“I’m not finished.” He tried to be stern with his words but that failed.

“Ok well sorry, I’m just gonna go murder mom. Be right back”

You and Vanya stood up, leaving the room together.

“That’s not what I was saying. I didn’t…”

Finally, Allison stood up and began walking out.

“Allison…”

He stood there alone. “That went well.”

——✨——

At first, you wanted to head right back to mom’s space but instead decided to a special place that you remembered vividly even after all these years.

You and Ben’s special place. Whenever the both of you wanted to just get away from everyone else. You always snuck off here. You stumbled upon it first. It was halfway painted, almost like it was meant to be another room for more students but it had long been abandoned since your father was only able to get eight of you, seven if you discount Vanya having no powers.

You and Ben didn’t even have to have long-winded conversations. You simply enjoyed each other’s company. He sat in a corner reading while you occupied yourself with doodling on the walls.

Sometimes you drew childish stuff like daisies and simple fairies, other times you created something so detailed and beautiful that Ben simply HAD to put down whatever he was reading and take it in.

Your fingers brushed against the wall of art as you strolled past. Finally, stopping at one specific drawing. It was a drawing of 8 crows sitting on a long branch.

“One crow for each of us?”

You nodded. “Yeah.”

“Even Vanya?”

You nodded.

“Wouldn’t it make sense for us to be…umbrellas?”

You childishly shook your head. “I don’t wanna be an umbrella. I like crows.” You continued filling in the color on one of the birds.

“Did you know a group of crows is called a Murder?”

“Really? Why? That sounds scary.”

“It’s because if you see a lot of crows in one place, it’s an omen of death. A lot of people are scared of them. Crows aren’t bad though. They’re smart. You know, they can remember human faces.”

You perked up at that fact. “Really?”

Ben smiled. “Yeah. They’re a part of the corvid family, they’re related to ravens. Also…crows are the symbol of a Celtic goddess called The Morrigan.”

“Did you read that from the library?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You should bring it next time.”

You smiled to yourself. You really did not want to do this to yourself but you never really had anything to remember Ben by. The nightmares that plagued you for 13 years.

Being in this room, it felt like a shell was dissolving from around you.

“Ben, I’m so sorry.” You spoke softly. “I should’ve been stronger. You only died cause I was holding you back. I was weak. It…it should’ve been me. You should’ve been the one to finally leave this place.”

Your forehead softly clunked against the drawing as tears began to flow.

Suddenly, you heard music playing. Even through the muffling of the walls, you heard it clearly.

You sighed. “Seriously?” You were unable to suppress the laugh that came out of you.

~Children behave~

You backed away from the wall, awkwardly swaying to the music as you closed your eyes and only focused on the sound. There was no pressure of performance like at the club.

And watch how you play

They don’t understand and so we’re running just as fast as we can

Holdin on to one another’s hand

You spun around the room like you listening to Stevie Nicks, lip-syncing perfectly to the song and having your music video moment in your head as you grooved your way towards the room door, exiting into the hallway with a skip over the threshold.

Tryin to get away, into the night

And then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say

I think we’re alone now

The hallway was completely yours. You were like a whimsical fairy, shuffling through the hall. Your facial expression matched the intensity of the song as you mouthed along with the words before you began strutting along the corridor.

There doesn’t seem to be anyone around

I think we’re alone now

The beating of our hearts is the only sound

When the drum synth came in, you started imitating a drummer’s movement, banging against the air on beat.

Look at the way

We gotta hide what we’re doin’

Cause what would they say

If they ever knew and so we’re running just as fast as we can

Holdin’ on to one another’s hand

Trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me

And we tumble to the ground and then you say

I think we’re alone now

Another spin that might’ve been too soon as you stumbled, catching yourself before easing back into the groove into the song with a run into a sloppy jete.

There doesn’t seem to be anyone around

I think we’re alone now

The beating of our hearts is the only sound

I think we’re alone now

There doesn’t seem to be anyone around

I think we’re alone now

The beating of our hearts is the only sound

*THUNDER CRASH*

The vibes immediately got put on hold as a crash of thunder caught you off guard with a mixture of heavy wind that started rattling the closed windows.

——✨——

All of you ran out into the courtyard to face a shocking sight. A blue ripple in the sky.

“Holy shit!”

“What is it?”

“Don’t get too close!”

“Yeah, no shit.”

“Looks like some sort of temporal anomaly….either that or a miniature black hole. One of the two.” Luther suggested.

“Pretty big difference there, Paul Bunyan.”

Suddenly, you were pushed aside as Klaus ran in front of you all clutching a fire extinguisher. “Out of the way!” He aimed and fired at the ripple before just chucking it.

“Really Klaus?”

“I don’t know. Do you have a better idea?”

Something started forming inside of the ripple causing Luther to push everyone behind him with Diego moving forward beside him.

“Get behind me!”

“Yeah, get behind us!”

“I vote for running!”

All of you watched as an old man appeared stuck in a screaming state. Only made weirder when his body began changing in front of you to that of…

“Five?”

“What?” Allison glanced at you before looking back.

The man…boy fell and the ripple closed. You all inched closer as the boy stood and confirmed what you thought. It was Five. The brother that vanished years ago…and he hasn’t even aged a day.

“Does anyone else see little Number Five or is that just me?”

You shook your head. “No…I see him too.”

Five looked down at himself before looking back up at all of you. “Shit!”

——✨——

All of you stood in the kitchen as you watched in awe as Five moved around making himself something to eat.

“What’s the date? The exact date.”

“The 24th.” Vanya replied.

“Of what?”

“March.”

“Good.”

“So are we gonna talk about what just happened?”

Five didn’t reply, pissing Luther off as he stood.

“It’s been 17 years.”

The smartass scoffed. “It’s been a lot longer than that.” He inched forward blinking past Luther.

“I haven’t missed that.”

It was Diego’s turn. “Where’d you go?”

“The future. It’s shit, by the way.”

Klaus perked up. “Called it!”

“I should’ve listened to the old man. Y’know, jumping through space is one thing. Jumping through time is a toss of the dice.” He finally looked up at everyone, specifically Klaus. “Nice dress.”

“Oh, well, danke!”

Vanya started questioning him next. “Wait, how did you get back?”

“In the end, I had to project my consciousness forward into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time.”

You were at a loss for words. “I didn’t retain any of that.”

“Cause that makes no sense.” Diego chimed in.

“Well, it would if you were smarter.” Five shot back.

Diego quickly stood up but was held back by Luther.

“How long were you there?”

“45 years. Give or take.”

Everyone inched in closer when Five replied.

“So what are you saying?” Klaus started. “That you’re 58?”

“Wow, you don’t look a day over a day over 13. What’s your secret?”

“Y/N, I don’t remember you being such a smartass. My consciousness is 58. Apparently, my body is now 13 again.”

Vanya was lost. “How does that even work?”

“Delores kept saying the equations were off. Eh. Bet she’s laughing now.”

“Delores?”

Five ignored the question and picked up the newspaper with their dad’s death on the front page. “Guess I missed the funeral.”

“How did you know about that?”

“What part of the future do you not understand? Heart failure, huh?”

Both Diego and Luther answered at the same time.

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Hmm. Nice to see nothing’s changed.” The fifth Hargreeves then left the kitchen as Allison called after him.

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

“The circle of life.” He yelled back.

“Well…”

“Nice to see he’s still the same 17 years later.”

——✨——

You had all finally gathered outside in the courtyard. Rain was already pouring as you all were covered by black umbrellas, aside from Klaus and Luther.

The former going with a see-through Umbrella with a fuzzy pink rim and the latter opting to just take the rain as is.

Mom observed all of your sorrowful faces before speaking up. “Did something happen?”

“Dad died. Remember?”

“Oh. Yes, of course.” The expression she made as she was reminded stung.

“Is mom ok?”

Diego wasted no time in answering “Yeah, yeah, she’s fine. She just needs to rest. You know, recharge.”

Pogo came forward, looking up at Luther and giving him the go-ahead. Everyone watched in silence as Luther opened dad’s urn and poured the ashes onto the ground. It was as disappointing as watching a balloon deflate.

“Probably would’ve been better with some wind.”

“Does anyone wish to speak?”

No answer.

“Very well. In all regards, Sir Reginald Hargreeves made me what I am today. For that alone, I shall forever be in his debt. He was my master…and my friend…and I shall miss him very much.”

Everyone soaked in Pogo’s speech before he continued on.

“He leaves behind a complicated legacy—”

You scoffed and Diego had finally had it.

“He was a monster.”

Klaus chuckled.

“He was a bad person and a worse father. The world’s better off without him.”

“Diego.” Allison snapped, taking Luther’s feelings into consideration but also didn’t appreciate Diego’s desire to start trouble.

“My name is Number Two. You know why? Because our father couldn’t be bothered to give us actual names. He had mom do it.”

Almost on cue, mom spoke up. “Would anyone like something to eat?”

“No, it’s ok mom.” Vanya answered.

“Oh, okay.”

“Look, you wanna pay your respects? Go ahead.” Diego stepped out from the lineup, looking back at the rest of you. “But at least be honest about the kind of man he was.”

“You should stop talking now.” Luther warned.

“You know, you of all people should be on my side here, Number One.”

“I am warning you.”

“After everything he did to you? He had to ship you a million miles away.”

“Diego, stop talking.”

This was the anger and rage you had wanted to flaunt when you came back here. And yet, in the presence of Diego and Luther about to get into it, there was a part of you that felt uncomfortable. A part that wanted to shrink away.

You should be agreeing with Diego. Diego was mad at you though. As much as he agreed with how you felt about your father, he was still pissed that you left.

“That’s how much he couldn’t stand the sight of you!”

All hell broke loose as Luther pushed Diego back and swung. The latter ducking just in time. Everyone instantly backed away as Pogo urged the two to stop.

Diego just kept egging him on and on to try and hit him. Vanya pleaded with them to stop but to no avail meanwhile, Klaus had no issue with cheering for the fight.

Pogo shook his head and simply walked off as the scuffle continued.

You rolled your eyes. “Are you guys serious right now?” You spoke under your breath.

“We don’t have time for this.” Five walked off back into the house.

Finally, Luther charged forth towards Diego but the vigilante ducked out of the way, causing Luther’s fist to collide with Ben’s statue, knocking it over and causing the head to break off.

“And there goes Ben’s statue.”

With Luther distracted, Diego pulled out one of his knives. When Vanya noticed she shouted at him.

“Diego no!”

He flung the knife and watched as it sliced through Luther’s coat sleeve, slicing some of his flesh. That’s when the fight halted as Luther was too focused on the cut and stumbled inside, catching Diego off guard.

Vanya approached Diego. “You never know when to stop, do you?”

“…You got enough material for your sequel yet?”

“…He was my father too.”

Diego waited until Vanya went inside to go and get mom to bring her in. Leaving just you and Klaus. You were stuck staring at Ben’s fallen statue. Something to commemorate ruined because of your brothers’ stupid egos. For you, it all came back to your dad again.

The only reason you all were fucked up to this point was because of him. Even if Luther didn’t wanna see it. Diego was right. In your eyes, your father didn’t have a soft spot for any of you buried underneath that thick layer of harshness.

Klaus stood over the pile of ashes on the floor, kneeling down. “I bet you’re loving this. Hmm? The team at its best. It’s just like old times.” He took one last puff before putting his cigarette out in the ashes.

When he stood back up, he walked over to you, throwing an arm around your shoulder to guide you back into the house.

“Come on, Glowbug, let’s get you a drink. Best funeral ever, huh?”

——✨——

You knocked softly on Luther’s room door.

“Hey, Luther? You okay?”

……

“I’m fine.”

“Well, let me take a look at the cut, we don’t need it getting infected.”

….

“No, t-that’s ok.”

“Are you sure?”

“You should probably head home…or to bed, whichever, you can spend the night.”

Another bout of silence.

You let out a defeated sigh. “Alright, if you change your mind, I’ll be in my sanctum.”

You started walking off but the clicking of Luther’s door caught your attention.

“Wait!”

You turned as the door slowly opened. Honestly, the sight of big bad Luther peeking out like a scared puppy was adorable.

“Sorry.” He whispered.

——✨——

“You know, you’d think after all these years, I would be able to get rid of scars.” You joked as you hover your hand over the cut.

“Dad always said it was to remind us of our mistakes.”

“Yeah…I hated it.”

“I know.”

“You don’t have to be ashamed of being hairy, you know?”

Luther gave you a confused look.

“I assumed you didn’t want me to heal you in the first place cause you were ashamed of it. People are hairy dude. I’ve met a ton of hairy dudes and chicks. It’s a part of our biology.”

As much as he wanted to correct you, he didn’t want to potentially reveal his secret, so he sat there, silently watching the slit in his arm close as if that part of his body was being rewinded. He always thought the light accompanied the healing process as a means to hide the work. Maybe some people would be put off by watching their flesh mend in a way they weren’t used to you.

Wanting to move the conversation, Luther spoke up.

“You know…we were all worried about you…when you left.”

“Even Diego?”

“...Yeah, even Diego…in his own way.”

“Well…I managed. Got taken in by a nice lady.”

“That’s good to know.”

More silence.

“You know Allison told me she tried to stop you that night. Are you still mad at her?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? She tried to rumor me into staying.”

“Then you attacked her.”

“Who wouldn’t?”

“You know she was coming from a good place.”

“She was until she tried taking away my free will.” Your light dimmed. “Makes you question everything she’s ever achieved…even her marriage.”

“Hey! That’s a sensitive subject for her.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boohoo Allison and her having to face people not finding her likable. Surprised it took her so long.”

You huffed as you stood up and headed for the door.

“Are you gonna be mad at her forever?”

“Maybe…get some sleep, big guy.”

You closed his door behind you, not even sparing a glance at Allison’s as you walked to your old room, closing and locking the door behind you. You used to get in trouble for doing so back then but with your dad gone, you didn’t have to hear his grating voice give you some dumb lecture.

You looked around your room, nothing really changed since you last saw it. All of your little pictures still hung up on the wall. Your dresser still had the same broken knobs and burn marks from when you took your volatile grief out on it. All of your little trinkets were still where you left them, even your old doll “Lucille” in all her chopped and mangled hair glory.

You picked her up and fell back on your bed, lying down with one leg dangling off the side as you fiddled with Lucille’s hair.

“Well, Lucille…the old man finally croaked…and I don’t feel any better. Why the fuck is that?”

——✨——

17 Years Ago

“This is Jim Hellerman, reporting live for Channel 2 News outside of the Capital West bank at Main and Sixth. A group of heavily armed men stormed the bank not three hours ago and took an unknown number of hostages.”

On the inside, a few of the bank robbers were keeping their attention on the tied-up hostages as their presumed leader entered the main area, ordering them to get the hostages behind the counter as he firmly held the phone to his ear, talking to the hostage negotiator stationed outside.

“Now you’ve put me in a position where I gotta do something I don’t want to do. Hmm?”

None of them seemed to notice the newest addition. A little girl in a school uniform wearing a domino mask. Even more so, no one noticed when she looked up to the lights around the room and held her arms out, a dim light emitting from her hands as the lights flickered out and briefly shut off for a moment before turning back on.

The thieves looked around for any sign of some cop entering the building as the boss spoke into the phone again. It would only be in jail when they realized it was one of the children that captured them that messed with the lights, allowing the others to make their stealthy entrance.

“You pull something like that again, we’ll kill one of the hostages.”

The negotiator justifiably was confused.

The boss of the gang didn’t notice the other little girl approaching him casually, standing next to him without a care in the world. She wore the same uniform and mask as the other one. When the man noticed her presence, he ordered her to join the other captives.

The girl looked down, mumbling something underneath her breath.

“What? What did you say?”

The little girl smirked, he had fallen right into her trap as she leaned in. “I heard a rumor…that you shot your friend in the foot.”

The man’s eyes went white as this new reality set in for him. Like a zombie, he pointed his gun towards his cohort who noticed just a bit too late.

“Hey, dude. What the hell?”

BANG!

The man groaned as the bullet hit his foot, the pain sending him to the floor as he accidentally set off his own gun, bullets piercing the glass window that four hostages took cover under. All of the captives began screaming as the boss of the group stared at his gun in sheer disbelief.

The muffled shots of the gun captured the attention of the cops and onlookers outside, everyone instinctively ducking in case a stray hit them.

“We just heard shots from inside the bank. It’s uncertain if any hostages have been harmed in that.”

The new cameraman’s attention went to the roof after a civilian pointed out someone walking along the roof. Of course, many of the people on the ground couldn’t see the person clearly with the reporter even suggesting that it might be law enforcement.

On the contrary, it was a boy wearing a masculine version of the same uniform that the two little girls were wearing along with the same mask.

Once the boy was in position, he jumped through the glass roof, landing right behind one of the thieves standing behind the counter. He grabbed him, slamming his head against the counter surface before effortlessly tossing him towards higher windows where everyone outside watched as the same man came crashing through and hitting the ground way below as everyone screamed.

“Looks like one of the armed robbers has been thrown from the bank.”

Back inside, another child came charging in. “Guns are for sissies. Real men throw knives.” He launched two knives in the direction of the robber and the little girl that rumored him. The thief instinctively puts an arm up as the avoid being stabbed in the face.

However, everyone was shocked to watch the knives turn, piercing through the suit of a thief holding a machine gun, sending him back against the wall.

“I’ve been in many hostage situations like this, and it can escalate very quickly.”

The children had the bald thief cornered as he stood atop the counter, aiming his pistol at the kids. “Get back now!”

“Hey, be careful up there, buddy.” Diego mocked him.

Allison joined in. “Yeah, wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

Suddenly another appeared, quite literally. “Or what?” He was extremely smug as the thief turned to aim the gun at him.

The boy blinked out of view as the thief fired a shot and missed. In frustration, he fired more shots with an angered yell. Five reappeared behind him with his arms folded. The man went to shoot him again however, his gun had been replaced with a stapler.

“Ooh! That’s one badass stapler!” He then pushed the stapler back and smashed it into the skull of the thief, throwing him back.

The thief stumbled a bit before passing out and falling back onto the floor.

“Although there’s been no activity for a few minutes, we’re gonna stay live on location to make sure we don’t miss anything in this hostage situation at the Capital West bank.”

Ben stood there nervous about what he was asked to do. You stood with Allison and Diego as Luther and Klaus urged him to take out the rest of the guys hiding within the vault.

Ben sighed as he entered the room. “I didn’t sign up for this.”

The crowd of onlookers watched on as the captives all frantically ran out of the building.

“Now we see the hostages. They--they’re free. They’re scared, clearly, but they do seem to be unharmed.”

You and your siblings watched through the tempered glass as Ben’s tentacles ravaged all the remaining thieves. The beast inside of Ben letting out an ear-piercing screech as the men inside screamed for their lives. Blood splattered everywhere as you watched limbs fly from side to side.

Finally, the noise stopped as Ben poked his head out, covered in blood from head to toe. His eyes scanned all of you as he let out shaky breaths. “Can we go home now?”

That was how your father decided to introduce the world to the Umbrella academy. You remembered every bit of it. The overwhelming flashes of light and the microphones being shoved in your face, causing your breathing to quicken. The only solace being Klaus and Ben holding your hand. Even though Klaus seemed to be fine, Ben was clearly ashamed of being covered in blood for the interviews.

When one of the reporters asked your father if he was concerned about your wellbeing, it piqued your interest. Your dad’s answer was a curt yes but his worries were overshadowed by the worry for the world. There was something about his answer that never sat right with you.

[bluedalahorse]

Here are some random asks for you! ❄️

What are some of your favourite foods to cook?

How about to eat but not to cook?

What are some of your favourite board game(s)?

Do you have a cherished winter and/or holiday memory that you'd like to share?

Random fact that most people don't know? Can be about you or just something you happen to know!

Happy holidays! 🎄

Favorite foods to cook: macaroni and cheese is my absolute favorite because I don’t have to check recipes to do it anymore, and I can sort of do it on autopilot. I also like lentil soup and vegan split pea soup. Tofu and rice is another good quick meal, although lately I’ve been switching to tofu and quinoa. Bok choy is delicious and fun to cook as is broccolini. Finally, I like roasting vegetables and then putting them on top of hummus or baked potatoes.

Favorite foods to eat but not to cook: eggplant dishes! I love eggplant, especially in Mediterranean recipes, but it’s kinda finicky about being cooked and I haven’t really figured out how to do it well in my kitchen. Veggie tacos (or burritos, or enchiladas) are also fun to get somewhere other than home, because there’s a lot of little pieces that make them good.

Favorite board games: I like Mysterium, where you are a psychic detective trying to solve a mystery based on the dreams a ghost sends you. As a child I liked a game called Enchanted Forest. And while it isn’t a board game, I found the card game Marrying Mister Darcy quite fun. I played as Lydia which meant I got to cause chaos.

Cherished winter and/or holiday memories: Christmas tends to be a weird time in my life when a lot of not-so-great things happen, so I don’t know how many memories I have as far as Christmas. The roommate and I do watch Muppet Christmas Carol and the Community December 10th episode, and we read aloud the Hater’s Guide to the Williams Sonoma Holiday Catalogue every year. Winter overall though, I always liked being able to come inside after playing in the snow, take a hot bath and put on pajamas, and read books or play paper dolls for hours and hours. I liked those things normally but there was something special about doing that after playing out in the cold all day.

Random fact that most people don’t know: Hm let’s see… in one part of my family line I am descended from a guy who fell off the Mayflower. I think he was a teenager at the time? They rescued him and he grew up to have like 15 children, which means actually a significant portion of the American population is related to him. That’s the only part of my family with “blue blood” ancestry though.

So those are my responses! Thank you for the ask so I could talk through these things.

@fan-of-young-royals, I’m still working on your book recommendations ask. I just wrote down too many titles and am thinking about how to organize them…

[tozettastone]

re-reading Kabu atm and im like damn... that sounds like some good soup.... so here I am to ask if you have any soup recipe recommendations!

I feel like my toxic trait might be taking this at face value, even though I know Itachi poisons himself and eats dirt in Kabu LMAO.

Here are my soup suggestions, although I am not sure what quantities or temperatures I really use since I'm more of a home cook than a person who meticulously documents these things. There's lots of other soups to make as well. This is just what I cook at home.

roast pumpkin, garlic and onions until they're soft and then get the flesh from the skins of these veggies and process them with just enough water til they're smooth and then put it on a saucepan and add cream, salt, pepper and nutmeg to taste. then you can just heat it through on the stove so everything's the right temperature to eat.

roasting a bunch of tomatoes and garlic (keep the skin on) in the oven and then adding vegetable stock and a little cream and pureeing it on the stove top. you can add chillies to this and it works well also

chop up some brown onion, cloves of garlic, carrot(s) and celery, put them in a big pot and cook them on low with some butter and pancetta or bacon, ideally not the smoked kind. Cover it with stock and a tin of tomatoes. Add some other vegetables you like at a time relative to how long they need to cook (eg., potatoes must be earlier, but zucchini later, you know) add beans—tinned beans can go in late, dried need to go in early. I think most people serve this with conchiglie pasta, the one in shell shapes. but like. sky's the limit. use macaroni or risoni, what does it matter. if you have coeliac disease use rice.

basically any combination of onion, garlic, carrots and celery cut up very finely and cooked very low in oil or butter for a while will make a good base for. soup. bolognaise. you know. I do this often and then the next step is "add stuff I like" and "cook it until it's cooked".

onion, garlic and bacon also a great soup base. you can saute this in fats like rice bran oil or butter (or use the fat rendered from the bacon) and then just add stock, tinned pureed tomatoes and a heap of chilli and cook it down until it is thick and eat it with cheese. although. this isn't like. health food.

yesterday evening I had leek, carrot, potato, garlic and parsnip soup with lots of black pepper. you have to wash leeks after you cut them up instead of before, sometimes, to get all the dirt out of the layers. you can just saute them, add everything else, add water and a stock cube and puree this too (when everything is tender, obviously). This is a very mild soup, though. If you think potato and leek soup tastes like nothing you won't like this either.

more pureed soup: try 2 carrot, 1 leek and 1 medium potato with a lot of fresh ginger and chicken stock. The carrots are sweet so it has a nice ginger-sweet taste

I like to make sliced red onion, birds eye chillies (or similar medium-hot ones, I guess—habaneros work too), rice noodles, roughly chopped coriander leaves and 2 baby pak choy (like leeks, you have to make sure these are well cleaned because dirt gets between the leafy layers) with a broth that's 1:1 stock (any stock) and water + dash of fish sauce, little bit of vinegar, some sliced ginger. you can add rice noodles and a poached egg.

if you have a tin of coconut milk you can add some of that to the soup above with some lime zest instead of vinegar. the fish sauce kind of subs in for shrimp paste you'd usually use in that kind of coconutty soup. you need to taste it to make sure the coconut/savoury/chilli/acid is working in your favour though.

cook off some diced onion, garlic, carrot and celery in oil at very low heat with some stirring to make sure it won't catch on the bottom, then add a lamb shank, some bay leaves, 2 large potatoes cut into roughly even chunks, and a tin of tomatoes, cover all with water, salt to taste, cover pot and simmer on low until the meat falls off the bone (hours). potato chunks need to be large enough to retain some integrity by the time the meat is done, so if they're smaller or you like smaller chunks add them later. make sure you fish the bony bits and the bay leaves out before you eat it though. you can do this with cheaper, tougher cuts of other red meat that need long cooking. if they don't have the bones and joints in you can add stock

this takes ages, but if you have a slow cooker and a roast chicken or bony bits of a roast you've carved the meat off you can just add veggies for flavour, like, onions, carrots, celery, bay leaves, parsley, peppercorns or whatever other herbs you personally like, cover with water, salt, and leave it covered and plugged in while you're at work or something (obviously don't do this with your oven or a burner if you're going to be out. but that's what slow cookers are good for i guess) and then when you come back you can strain everything out with a colander and have litres your own very good broth for adding to everything so you can just slice up whatever vegetables you like and make whatever fast soup going forward. It freezes well for a few months. It's good value for getting the most out of the meats you eat, if you eat them. you can get something like this out, bring it to a boil, add thinly sliced vegetables and rice noodles and have dinner on the table in like 10 minutes.

I like going to the supermarket and seeing what pre-sliced vegetables they give you in packages. I struggle managing energy. There's a package of finely cut up veggies that my local supermarket stocks. It's 400g carrot, celery, leek, turnip, parsnip, broccoli, cauliflower and parsley. If you rinse it, dump it in a pot, cover it with water, add a stock cube and then bring it to a boil before lowering it to a simmer for, like, 10–15 minutes, you can use a stick blender and add pepper and it's easy and you didn't have to think about anything. adding cream or a chopped potato will make it more filling.

laziest option that still feels like cooking: miso paste, simmering water, rice noodles, fresh chopped chilli. I'm sure it's not how you're meant to use miso paste but they sell it to me at the grocery store anyway.

[rabbitcruiser]

National Noodle Day 

Spaghetti, ramen, ziti, egg noodles…most of the best foods are noodles. Try a new kind today, or go out and treat yourself to one of the world’s favorite dishes.

The steam rising from a bowl of noodle soup floats along and dissipates almost like a thing of magic, with rich aromas and the promise of a deliciously warmed belly. In cultures all over the world, noodles have served as a foundation of comfort food, and National Noodle Day celebrates this long history and the place they play in everyone’s life today.

History of National Noodle Day

It is estimated that the origin of noodles dates back as far as two thousand years, or possibly even further. The first mention of noodles in historical records is in a book from the Eastern Han period that dates from between 25 and 220 BC. This unleavened dough has been prepared in many ways, throughout many cultures, using many different ingredients. But one thing remains the same–noodles are almost always delicious!

Noodles–inexpensive, simple, and rather filling–has been a mainstay of the working class for many years. The instant cup of noodles heated quickly in the microwave during a short lunch period. The mainstay of the poor and college-bound, pre-packaged Ramen noodles are often the foundation of a person’s first culinary ventures, as they try to turn the only meal they can afford into something akin to food.

But noodles aren’t only cheap and filling! Now, consider the rich and flavorful bowl of mom’s chicken noodle soup, full of the rich flavors of chicken and carrots, and floating among them are the obligatory egg noodles, which somehow are just the thing to tie this delicious bowl of nutrition together.

For anyone who was born into Italian family, chances are they’ve experienced every kind of noodle the mind can imagine and a few to boot! Rigatoni noodles, spaghetti noodles served with a rich red sauce exploding with flavor, Asian Rice Noodles, or even Fettuccine noodles coated in a thick heavy Alfredo sauce interspersed with bits of chicken.

Noodles have been with mankind in nearly every culture out of history, and National Noodle Day reminds us that this basic and staple food is still the best way to fill a hungry belly at the end of the day.

How to Celebrate National Noodle Day

National Noodle Day can be loads of fun! Making noodles, eating noodles, and enjoying noodles with friends. Try these ideas for spending National Noodle Day:

Go Out for Noodles

Whether at a fast food joint or a sit-down restaurant, noodles are fairly easy to come by in a variety of restaurants.

Noodles and Company, in the United States, is a fast-casual dining place that focuses each of its dishes all around the noodle. Their noodles are all made by hand, and their menu ranges from standards like Macaroni & Cheese and Spaghetti & Meatballs to more unique offerings such as Alfredo MontAmore with Parmesan Crusted Chicken or Grilled Orange Chicken Lo Mein. They also offer gluten-free and vegetarian options for those with certain dietary needs.

It’s a noodle lover’s dream come true!

Get Clever with Ramen Noodles

Those little rectangular packets of dried noodles with a smaller pack of flavorings inside can be used for more than just making some soup! As it turns out, they’re extremely useful to have around the kitchen for a variety of needs. Try out these ways to use those ramen noodles:

Make “Breadcrumbs”. The hard noodles can be crushed up into tiny granules (with a bit of the seasoning packet included). These work well as a substitute for recipes that call for breadcrumbs, such as schnitzel or meatballs.

Use as a Dessert Topping. This might be surprising but those crispy noodles, when cooked with cinnamon and sugar and then fried, offer a delightful chopped topping that can replace nuts on ice cream sundaes or other desserts.

Make Burger Buns. The great thing about ramen noodles is that, once cooked, they can be formed into almost any shape desired. Some people like to add a bit of egg, salt and herbs, then shape them into buns and fry them. These can be used for hamburgers or veggie burgers.

Add Zest to Salads. Take that boring salad to the next level by adding the crunch of pizzaz of ramen noodles. Simply crush the dry noodles and toss them into a coleslaw and top with an Asian dressing. Delicious!

Try a New Kind of Noodle

In a world of thousands of varieties of noodles, the best way to celebrate National Noodle Day is by reaching beyond your comfort level and trying something new. If your culinary experience with noodles is limited to Instant Cup a Soup and Spaghetti, it’s time to try something new.

Explore the rice or buckwheat noodles from your local Asian store, or discover exactly what a Manicotti noodle is and what it is used for! You’ll find yourself marveling at the sheer variety of noodles and noodle dishes there are, enough to have a different dish every day for years!

Share Noodles with Others

Celebrating National Noodle Day with the community can be loads of fun. Take a noodle dish to the office to share with coworkers. Or invite a few friends or family members over to enjoy a meal with many courses–all of which include noodles!

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