#and literally crazy how ive only been thinking abt this for like a week now and its already made me crazy fucking suicidal like actually

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

w last post literally. i got diagnosed w pcos when i was 16 and i was told because i didnt have any visible symptoms i had nothing much to worry about. everytime ive been to the doctor since ive had my feelings on it dismissed, and ive been told because i LOOK healthy that i’m fine and theres nothing they can do except put me on birth control. they can’t give me any kind of medication to help with any symptoms i might experience. 

my first time there i wasn’t given any information on PCOS, they gave me a pamphlet and that was it. like the absolute lack of care or empathy or anything lmfao. i had to find out myself that it could lead to diabetes and cancer. and diabetes already runs in my family so i’m even More likely to get it when i’m older. i didn’t know that pcos was a hormonal imbalance that affects your insulin levels, that it causes inflammation or anything. and half the treatment options recommended for you is to lose weight, but that’s that treatment offered for practically every fucking issue you can have as a woman with a disorder that AFFECTS your weight. and it’s not just oh eat less, don’t have so much sugar or take out. it’s don’t eat red meat, don’t eat bread, don’t eat wraps, don’t eat potatoes, don’t eat gluten, don’t eat dairy, don’t eat anything with a large amount of carbs. which is completely inaccessible for me!!!! 

and maybe some people are totally comfortable with those lifestyle changes but as someone who already has a really really bad relationship with food, it makes eating as a whole so hard and i’ve spent practically the past 10 months every single day thinking about my weight and my body and food and obsessing over it and i thought going into the new year i’d regulate it all by starting to cook more and finding food i enjoy but having all these limits on what i can eat has just completely torn me down. because no i don’t want to eat chicken with every freaking meal i have as a source of protein and i don’t want to eat eggs for breakfast everyday. and is that so fucking bad of me. Diet culture and discussions around food with PCOS make me so unbearably depressed ive spent all day thinking about it and hating myself for not being one of those people who can just suck it up and deal with it. and being sad in general that i have pcos and i have these symptoms and i have to learn to manage them. and its either be upset with my weight forever and risk diabetes which i dont even see the point in trying to prevent when i have all the odds stacked up against me! or be severely depressed w an eating disorder. 

like i can’t say it anywhere for support on it because i know a lot of it would just be like Well suffer then lol. and like You have no discipline etc. like. i Like vegetables dude. I like a lot of things. but oh my god do you know how many fucking recipes i can bear looking at of the same things over and over! and autism already makes it hard enough for me. all i’m saying is i just don’t want to get sick and die of physical illness as much as i don’t want to get sick and die of mental illness. but i feel like no matter what direction i look in Either one is going to happen either way. 

so anyway. i’m just sad that so much of the talk around pcos is weight and diet and exercise oriented. i’m not saying those things don’t contribute, they clearly do. i’m just saying i’m going to have pcos forever and theres nothing i can do to erase it, it’s lifelong. i can do what i can to reduce symptoms if needed, but it’s always going to be there no matter what. and i’m again just so sad that nobody seems to understand my sadness over it. my mother had no thoughts on it when i was diagnosed and my doctors have all been so dismissive about it. i just feel really alone in my struggle lollllllll. 

[thisisegregiouuuus]

GENE!! HEEL!!

i love THE SHINING!!!!!!!!!! literally all week since saturday all ive been thinking abt is watching it again but since school started i made this little tradition that every saturday night id watch the shining on the tv while everyones asleep (im so cool) bc i love watching the shining on the tv (i only watch stuff on my laptop so getting to watch smth i love on the tv is rlly cool to me 😼)

ive come to a point where i dont mind watching the shining every day. like in the beginning it was all just 'oh, i havent watched the shining in a while, i feel like watching it now so im going to' that was like a month and a half ago or smth...ive never rlly had the shining as an actual interest before, but this one by far has lasted the longest, and its kind of different to any other interest i have in a way i cant explain!!!!

anyway, that little 'i wanna watch the shining tonight!" like 2 months ago sent me down a rabbit hole of youtube videos talking abt the making of the shining, theories abt the shining, and a bunch of other stuff, plus reading the actual book (which i love as much as the movie) and now here i am! when this silly little interest first started i was like 'oh i wanna pace myself, i dont want to watch the shining every night' bc i jsut didnt feel like it, but now i dont mind watching it every night or so, but i gotta wait until saturday now. at least it keeps me looking forward to smth!

dude i dont wanna sound crazy or anything, and i dont mean it in a crazy way, like i think im pretty normal abt my interest in the shining, but most of the time in my mind im just thinking abt the shining and waiting for someone to ask me if i know the shining or for someone to merely mention it bc the second they do i can just explode and finally tell SOMEONE how much i love the shining. like i kid u not i was having dinner today and while i was eating i was begging for my family to just ask me 'so are u watching any movies rn?' bc YES. YES I AM!!! and i have a lot to say abt it.... also at dinner i was thinking of all the lines from the shining i knew off by heart, reciting them to myself, i wanna quote them to someone so bad and i would to my closest friend but she wouldnt get it or find it funny, she doesnt like the shining and we kinda only quote things we find funny </3 so idk who to talk to abt the shining. thats why im on here writing abt it!

anyway thats all! im gonna post this publicly, just to try it out--i never post anything publicly but i wanna see what its like, ive been on tumblr for like a year or smth but i still dont rlly know it too well lol, so im still learning. if i like posting publicly i might post more, or ill just take this down. anyway sorry if theres any spelling mistakes or anything, this isnt proofread! :3

(also the title is a quote from the movie evan almighty in case u dont get it 😻)

[slytherinshua]

HELLO!!!!

so ive been dead for a couple weeks (okay im sorry but school is kicking my ass)

BUTTTT IM BACK!!!!

And SO ARE YOU!!!

zanna pls the hao fic 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

idk whether to cry or kick my feet bc wTFFFF

how are you so g o o d (you obviously worked super hard and thats so cool of you)

ALSO

CINEMA PARADISE AND 19.99 CB!!!!!!

okay so i heard good so bad right? amazing song. 10/10 and thEn i watched the mcountdown kill the romeo performance and immediately went wHOA because why did that song hIT SO HARD LIKE?!?!??! Cinema paradise is such a ricky era (to me) bc his aura was off the roof he was so super noticable (even though he was worried bc of the hair dyeing :( he still stood out so much!) Also hao was so super good zb1 keeps getting better!!

OKAY NOW LISTEN

IM NOT THE BIGGEST ONEDOOR AROUND HERE OKAY BUT IVE LISTENED TO THEIR ENTIRE DISCOGRAPHY AND WATCHED ALL THEIR PERSONAL CONTENT AND CAN I JUST SAY DANGEROUS AND NICE GUY ARE SO GOOD LIKE BND NEVER MISSES WHAT THE HECK

Taesans line in dangerous had me actually pulling out my earphones bc wtf why was that so good i was h o o k e d the secomd that song started and then nice guy was just also really good like?!?!?!? H O W do you slay that hard like whoa

ANYWAY HI ZANNA I MISSED YOUUUUUU

im glad you're out of your mini slump!!! (i have so many ideas and i want to write but i have no t i m e!!! i dont like school 😐)

-🌱 (bc you said youd miss this <3)

im sorry i rambled on a bit but yeah !!!

HI HAFS OMG!!!! omg it has been a while but dw i understand :((( school is out to get us all istg im so tired and its only the beginning of the year... AND LIKE I THOUGHT I WAS GOING CRAZY W THAT WRITERS BLOCK HOLY SHIT LIKE I COULD NOT FUNCTION WITHOUT MY DELUSIONS BEING MY ESCAPE 😭😭😭😭😭😭

BUT AAAA IM GLAD U LIKED IT <333333 thank you ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️ ugh i remember like before i even properly stanned zb1 i was thinking about which members would fit studio ghibli boys and let me see if i can remember all the pairings.... honestly i think these ranged from most accurate (first 4-5) to zanna is running out of ghibli boys to assign

zhang hao as seiji

i think i had taerae as tombo back then but now i feel like it fits gyuvin more :((

NOW RICKY AS HOWL CAUSE WHO ELSE WOULD HE BE

and yujin as sho!!! cause look theyre literally the same skdfjksd could 100% see yujin in an arrietty storyline to me hes just the embodiment of teen youth like coming of age stories rly fit him so well

gunwook as pazu bcuz i have to satisfy my childhood crush and my current crush (also they look the same fight me)

honestly jiwoong as jiro???

taerae as asbel now (literally i don't remember anything about asbel but they look kinda similar so we're going w it)

hanbin as ashitaka bcuz i just think theyre both hot like that 🤕🤕🤕

which leaves matthew as sosuke cause i haven't watched the boy and the heron yet so idk whether that might fit better but yeah... BUT TELL ME WHY THEY KINDA HAVE SIMILAR VIBES ANYWAY SO??

now can we also appreciate how i tried to match the pics as close as i could thank you thank you anyway enough abt zb1 and ghibli boys

YES CINEMA PARADISE WAS SO GOOD!!! good so bad literally their best title track to date AND SAME W BND. i think nice guy is their best to date and ive seen a lot of ppl who like dangerous more than nice guy which is valid i also love dangerous BUT IMO NICE GUY IS PERFECT AND BETTER THAN DANGEROUS???? 👹👹👹

ricky will always stand out no matter what !!!!! even tho his hair was plain it still drew attention to him like the contrast of black hair to his skin is crazy and he looks like a whole prince (when does he ever not) BUT OMG HAO IN THE MV WRECKED ME SOOOO HARD like i think good so bad mv is the reason why hao is #2 in zb1 ranking for me rn skdfjskdfs ALSO CAN WE TALK ABT PURPLE GUNWOOK CAUSE NO IM STILL NOT OVER PURPLE GUNWOOK even tho hes had it for a while now i still look at it and then die skdfjksdhfks

IF THERES ONE THING BONEDO WILL DO ITS RELEASE BANGERS EVERY TIME!!! i swear they always stay true to their sound and concept and i LOVE that about them. every song feels SO boynextdoor but at the same time they try different sounds and tell different stories with each song. i also just adore their storytelling in their mvs and songs its so good every time!!!! and im excited to see what they release next bcuz it seems theyre doing a youth concept now that theyre done their falling in love trilogy

awwww nooo i hope u find time soon 👹 it can be so hard to find time to write sometimes istg.... but you'll manage i believe in u !!! KSDJFKSD I DID MISS IT OMG

[boxwinebaddie]

hi uncle nina!! i hope youre doing okay! i would love a life update. i was also wondering who you think initiates more, jerseykyle or ravenstan? and thats for everything. like kisses, cuddles, and sbst 🤭

eeeee! allo, moya nonneshka! c': <3 xxxx

but before i tornado-type myself into a tizzy and lose my train of thot: thank you so SO much for checking on me, babycakes! :) MWAH!!!

like ( i'm soz ), but the fact that, oof...has it been Several Weeks Now? ( yikes! execute-ive dysfuncle nina strikes again! :/ ) where day in and day out, the only thing i've been servin y'all up is...a big, heapin bowl of: 'go on girl! Give Us NOTHING!,' -- and you were Still willing to take time out of your busy irlife to worry about mine?! tldr; Angel Behavior! heaven wants you back btw, but that's too bad; i'm keeping you. <3

also tysm for the rest of your v precious message as well, lovie~ your... press(h)age? oop...that is,, horrifYINg? ok, what about: thank for your...messcious? ur preshmesh! ya mesh, presh! ...your blessage? you know like *marj vc* your...blessed mess? ( can we tell that i spend too much gd time assisting k-garten and trying to say things like:

'wooooah there, girlpool! no need to get atatudie w/ me, jude-ring! i mean, gee, if i didn't know any better...i'd say it sounds like someone caught...A BAAAD Vibe! uh oh! cowabummer, dude! but thats ok! just be sure to grab a tissue and blow ur nose bc i didnt achoochooocaChoose the rules; i just enforce 'em, booboo kitty!' <3

kssds like...can you tell my skull tell is gettin so soft that you'll prolly be able to stick a straw thru it soon? ( can't lie tho, bbkit is my fav like *me but over it* alr! no cryin in baseball, booboo kitty! Game Time! )

but anyways! onto my life update ( ft. how i've doing for the past few weeks ) which, when i tell y'all i have been waiting for a slow-ment to come along so i can just...catch my breath and catch up, but its been

...A MESS.

sigh.

( alright, fair warning, i HAVE TO ANSWER YOU CANON HC QUES IN ANOTHER ASK BUT I KNOW THE ANSWER!!!! so i will get it done asap, my friend, but i have to seperate them...so this is just nina talks abt skool and how she's been doin...ravesey can go in diff ask. )

but anyways, in essence; i'm busy pretty much every day from 5am in the morning when i am up until probably 4-5pm everyday depending on what prep i have to work out with my lead teacher ( who is a very sweet mid forties early fifty y/old lady who always makes sure i eat breakfast ), as well as getting to and from my job site particularly towards the end of the day...which is not easy when ur a lame, boof, no driving ass bitch like me.

( which, i know talk a lot of shit on myself about it...but oddly enough; i am proud of myself for knowing my limits, valuing my comfort and being the ceo of the bus and slaying on public transport. xx )

but all this to say, i love my job! my lead teacher ( aka educ major slang for the teacher who's class you assist in ) is literally such a nice lady and she has been teaching me so much! i was having a little difficulty getting in the groove because the summer camp kinders aka the children actually taking kindergarten in the fall are pre-kinder basically so they're like...t-k or preschool, almost? which....ooooough.

( i must confess ) i have a age/limit with teaching.

and it's having to do bathroom/mommy anything.

like i’m…ur aunt/unc, your older sister, mom's sbf, but i am noooooot your mom, lol! i am not super maternal. like there was a little girl who on week one was askin for mommy ( which was already driving me NUTS ) but on week three was still doing it and crying i was like...

*me on the playground vc* hEY BATTA BATTA SWING BATTA!!! YOU WANNA GO HOME BB? ME TOO GIRL! YKNOW WHAT? IF U HIT A HOME RUN RN AND YOU CAN GO HOME OTHERWISE! nO CRYIN IN BASEBALL BOOBOO!KITTYGIRL!! STAND UP SOLDIER!!

...but yeah, idk. kindergarten/pre-k has been fun, but i'm more of an older sister-adjacent type teacher who likes to wear crazy outfits, draw you pictures even if i pop a blood vessel in my eye drawing all night bc i think its nice when the kids get excited haha, if you talk while i'm talking, i really will pretend to get my stuff and leave like 'i'm sorry, i thought you were gonna teach the class!', wear all the stickers on my face...all of them especially the really big ones,

will tell u the picture u drew for me is so much better than the baloney pizza whatev that one blue ninja turtle painted, idk, and fall to my knees like ( bonus points if i have no idea what it is ), but if you give me attitude later about putting the toys away and taking your letters out, ill pretend to EAT the sticker i was gonna put on ur work.

( uncle nina stop being a CLOWN, i cannot stop, like omfg so the other day...a TINY five old girl's jacket was brought in for this girl in my class....and tell me why i said! Oh Sorry! That's Mine! ;) AND PRETENDED TO PUT IT ON AND MODEL IT???? HEEELP. my KIDS were dYING!!! my lead teacher was lafffffin, skds. that jacketless little girl was like >:( miss nina thats My Jacket! and i was like, you know what, baby! you are so right...Mine Is Smaller. <3 KLHSLKHKLDSD )

i...did not always use to be like this. i used to be a mousy, nervous gal, who let the sweet, lovely, very loud children walk all over me...BUT! i've been around the block! aka! i've have a block thrown at my head! AND A STAPLER!!!!!! ( that was my favorite kid btw, thx, stink! )

but yeah, a soft-spoken queen in my class asked me if you just 'stop feeling anxious when you're an adult' and i was like N! O! baby! it doesn't get easier when your an adult, but in order to teach you guys things, i have to be brave enough to talk to you and try my hardest! i still get super nervous talking to new people, i get nervous when i think i put my sock on wrong...but that doesn't mean, we should give up! i think you should go right up to a new friend and tell them hi, my name is Blank and my sock feels funny. do u wanna look at it. BOOM.

but also just because...ah, jeez. very cute, the children are...but the nina i was two years ago would be picking kids markers off the floor, packing my kids backups up for them, carrying their things...no, girl. they know better than that. like i specifically have a little girl, who istg, is very stan coded because she wants to do the right thing, but she's a really bad listener, i have to tell her stuff like 749374093 times,

wants me to help her with everything because she's nervous she's gonna mess up ( which, baby i love u but i can't print every letter for you ) and wears impractical things to school, ( which i feel like stan would do...like take 749374930 light up toys and weird pens ) so you know i gotta give her the little 'girl, you can do; i believe in you' and then come back when she's done and go oKAAaY mAdaME??! MISS INDEPENDENT OVER HERE GETS TWO STICKERS FROM ME!!!!!

and conversely, we got kyle coded kids, like, i had a little girl ( my class has had a lotta girls rotate into it idk ) who was smarter than god, but my gooooodness, THAT LITTLE GIRL TRIED IT EVERYDAY! ( she’s a ken n cart too ) i popped my eye blood vessel for that lil lady! bc she RUSHED ME! but no, she was a smart cookie, so she knew that so she used to give to try and cut deals with me, or put stuff on other kids tables or whiiiine and baby, i might have been born at night but...

NOT YESTERDAY NIGHT!

she is going to dismantle whatever kindergarten class she gets put into...best of luck. she is probably going to be our president someday. her vocabulary was bigger than mine. sending light out to that girl.

but okay, i have to end this soon but...i am doing a lot! we have a different theme in my class every week: last week was dinosaurs! we did safari animals, bugs, deep sea creatures, next week....*sigh*

Is Sports. ( y....ay! )

so if i am not around...I AM PROBABLY TIRED! like i didn't want to get into it too much bc it's a lot but the week that i lead teach, like...i did not sleep for two days...i was very sick, it was very, very bad. which is not to say that's gonna happen again but...it's like, i want to post and i want to be present, but when i throw all my energy out there to the little people, i come home spent most of the time...so it's hard to get my fingers to crawl across the computer to do an ask meme or be present when i should rly cook dinner or do some dishes, yknow?

all this to SAY...i am here, but i am...There. i also took such a long break from writing, i am a little scared that i don't know...how to anymore? aaaaa??? but i think i should probably sit down and write ONE THING ONLY ( so if u have one thing u really wanna see hmu ),

i'll probably pop in to do updates every so often, maybe an hc ask a bigger ask if i finish it, but i am busy again starting monday. i will try to keep giving u an rm fun fact if i can remember, but please know, i would love to be here and i wish i could write more...but it's a lot all at once...also? i really did enjoy my break. <3 always take breaks. if i am not around, i promise i am okay! i am probably just being teacher nina, trying to better my life or i am a little tired and need a second.

either way don't be a stranger, and send me stuff any time! i am going to try and go back to answering stuff that's in there again.

-uncle teacher nina, ceo of boo boo kitty...

...girls, boys and children....

Everywhere.

p.s. i hope this wasn't too much info, haha! i hope it was fun its nice to be able to tell you guys about parts of my life! if you ever want pictures or have questions, as long as they aren't too invasive, specifically bc of my student's safety, i will answer em! <3

[bluewaterhigh2005]

hii i know this is random but bear with me. ive never read the vampire academy books but i have seen the movie for the first time last week and ive been like COMPLETELY insane about it ever since. the absolute craziness of psychosexual obsessive girlbestfriendism has captivated me and now i live breathe eat roselissa. spent a lot. of time on vampire academy wiki...thinking abt reading the books even but that seems a little excessive plus i dont wanna read about rose dimitri relationship i dont condone it. BUT i am getting desperate ive seen bad fanart on pinterest ive even venturend into some bad fanfic territory theres nothing in the roselissa tumblr tag and your blog is the only light in the darkness. im so obsessed with them its really bad. NOBODY does it like them theyre so insane. okay so-> i was thinking you could use this ask to dump some roselissa opinions/headcannons/notes app essays etc or like literally anything🙏. also sorreee for how long it is & thank you & also should i watch the show? ok ok have a nice day byeeeee❤️

i am so fucking glad that it's 2023 and people are still watching this stupid perfect lesbian camp masterpiece of a film. okay first of all you are soooo real not wanting to read the books because of fuck ass dimitri like what a pathetic flop. *i* love the books like i would love my own children but keep in mind i did read them for the first time as a 12yr old and even now when i reread it's mostly to warmup before rereading bloodlines which i think is the most perfect magical romantic series ever written. heterosexuals won that round.

anyway i think everyone in the world should watch the show it's so much fun and the roselissa necromancy reveal goes soooooooo crazy like it's gay excellence. also a) australian rose hathaway is INSPIRED, b) the rose/dimitri of it all pisses me off significantly less in the show purely because he's like. not even a teacher he's just lurking and hanging around and i find that very funny. no friends no job he's just like me fr, and c) lissa wears funky little hats and that's so special to me she is my baby girl princess sweetie pie forever and ever and ever

okay moving onto actually talking about roselissa it is first of all very important to me that you know the 3rd book opens with rose inside lissa's head during a lissa/christian sex scene and she's very much like "i don't want to have sex with lissa..... BUT-" and it sends me every time especially because that was actually the first book i read so my literal introduction to this series was rose being weird and psychosexual about lissa which kind of coloured my view of them forever. roselissa above everything of course but i AM a roselissachristian throuple truther i think they're very fun and rose and christian best friendisms are very dear to me.

i do keep a running list in my notes app of songs that i would put on a roselissa playlist (like an insane person.) and the #1 entry is mitski's i don't smoke because well literally if you need to be mean be mean to me i can take it and put it inside of me..... that's literally their whole entire thing for a while there like rose spending an entire book like. siphoning off lissa's mental illness and making it her own SOUNDS like a joke but no it's #real and #devastating. bonus i also have a list of lissa songs which is topped by BRUTAL by olivia rodrigo because nobody has ever suffered the pains of being a teenage girl more than my perfect bisexual vampire princess.

my post-series thoughts /headcanons are often pretty depressing on the roselissa front but i don't want to get into depressing shit so i will instead talk about my current favourite idea which is that after they break their bond at the end of the series. you'd think they'd start being normal about each other. but NO they get even more freaky and codependent. i like to picture people coming to court and just sighing when they see them sitting in each other's laps on lissa's throne like not AGAIN. and dimitri idk dies in a fire or something. idk if you've ever seen grey's anatomy but there's this bit where a guy is like "my wife and her friend have sleepovers together in our bed with me in it" and TO ME that is soooo roselissachristian core. he's THEIR third wheel and he knows it.

also sidebar it pisses me off SOOOOOO bad seeing how people on the internet so fundamentally misunderstand lissa and her relationship to rose like for literal years now like they're always out here calling my girl self-centred and saying she doesn't love rose as much as rose loves her which is crazy because hello she brought rose back from the DEAD with her mind powers. her whole flop family was dead in that car and she brought back her girl best friend like what more can you even say about that. she's gay and she's insane and she's so completely Not Normal about rose

[smoosnoom]

hello moonie :] i listened to the songs u gave me and !

i really really luved 'how soon is now?' by the smiths and i definitely need to listen to them more !!! im so obsessed w how he sings certain lyrics it sounds So nice (literally listneing to the song rn as i type lol)

u were right abt me enjoying 'crybaby' by destroy boys a lot as i already know that song and its one of the 2 or 3 songs i know from them lol . its really really good

i Immediately added 'saturnine' to my main playlist once it was over !! the chorus is So nice to listen to i really luved it !

i had forgotten u said u were going for the vibe of floating in the ocean and when listening to 'andromeda' i literally thought 'this song feels like floating down a river or something' . the way she sings 'let me in if i break / and be quiet if i shatter' was So. gah . its good.

as for my recommendations:

summertime - my chemical romance

heaven, iowa - fall out boy

unpunishable - ethel cain (the chorus of this song is Everything)

so far so fake - pierce the veil (1:30-on, but especially 2:25-~3:00 is Beautiful. i . luv guitars .)

and bonus song because its all that stuck in my head currently : bury me in black (demo) - my chemical romance . very different from the other ones lol .

ok that is all i think :> i hope your week is good and not stressful and that any writing block u may have is broken <33 also do not worry about answering this quickly i am So ok w patiently waiting until ur able to answer please do not feel bad if it takes a while ok byebye ily

yes omg ok i am such a fan of the smiths . which is probably my biggest red flag LOL but i cant help it !!!! theyre so good !!!!! and i think half of it is just how morrisey sings some certain words . he is such an asshole but Damn it if he doesnt make his songs unique .

i think u already knowing and liking the song is so crazy but also . i am kind of proud of myself for guessing right on ur taste :D

im honored !!!! and yes i have a whole playlist about just . songs that feel like floating around on some mystical beach, its based on this freaky dream i had but . if u ever want it ...

ohhh i should say . i am in fact an mcr and fob fan LOL . i have already listened to both those songs, summertime is sososoooo good but so is the entire album, and ive been loving the new fob album :D i think my personal favorite is maybe . well ok i have three LOL "love from the other side", "heartbreak feels so good", and "i am my own muse" ofc . i feel like i picked the most popular ones 😭 theyll probably change ! also . completely unrelated omg but ive been . kind of . crushing on a specific white man ok and specifically ethan hawke and then imagine my surprise when i see him on the album ??:W?? what the hell was that . what the he lll . anyway .

ok i listened to unpunishable and i love love loveeeeed the section after 3:30-ish . like it was soo like . metallic sounding with her vocals and the ringing guitar and it was just so everything . it made me want to write something crazy so badly, it was amazing !!! ive only heard a few songs by her but this one is definitely top three for me i think . wow

i did have . a pierce the veil phase for like fiveseconds in middle school LOL but i enjoyed this one !!! i got flashbacks to 2018 but i really did enjoy it :D i think ill always like their sound, its always so . indulgent . i did really like the bit at 2:25-3:00, i didnt even realize u commented on it LOL i was like Wow . wow . it was so so good

oh i loveee bury me in black . that entire era will b so close to my heart forever i think and its just so . good . oh my god . the brash guitar and drums are soooo . i need them permanently playing forever and ever

ok sorry for giving u a whole essay 😭 i just had a lot to say i think LOL

but here are mine !!!!

if u liked how he sings certain lyrics then u would loveeee "a rush and push and the land is ours" by the smiths . the way he sings rush and push . oh boy

are u a fan of p!atd ? i think u would like them even tho i am brendon urie's biggest hater . but ryan ross ... loml . anyway . "new perspective" is so underrated and one of my favorites, very reminiscent of the 2000s pop punk scene !

also a more like . "weird" sounding song but its so so good . "girls & boys" by blur ! its one of their more popular songs but it holds up so so well

and . in honor of me purchasing a radiohead poster . i think u would love radiohead . i recommend . "just" . a popular song but i think u would absolutely enjoy it and My Bad if u have already heard it before . if u have i would not be surprised !!! i think it trended on tiktok for a second ? idk

anyway . thank u so much for being so so patient, it means everything to me :) i adore the songs u recommend me and i was kind of itching to answer this to get some more recs LOL . ok byebye ilyt !!!!!!

[captainaikus]

✨Chapter 2✨ part 1

IM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO GET TO THIS I CANT BELIEVE ITS ALMOST BEEN A WEEK IVE BEEN MEANING TO READ IT AS SOON AS IT CAME OUT BUT LIFE GOT IN THE WAY BUT IM HERE NOW BELLE!!!

OH HO HO WE’RE STARTING WITH THE LETTER??? YESSS I COULDNT WAIT TO SEE WHAT SHE WROTE. *reads the first metaphor and starts sobbing* it’s a diary. ITS A DIARY OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP THROUGH HER EYES IM SOBBING RN. I honestly love the idea that Oliver doesn’t have the best relationship with his family. Adds more spice yknow? WAIT WAIT WAIT. HES READING THIS??? THIS IS HIS POV??? ASDHJHHFJJFFHHHFFF THIS IS AMAZING. Also I love how hurtful the readers love is portrayed in the diary. Making him read your years worth of heartache gives a chance for him to reflect on his actions. Oliver having Viking ancestry??? That’s a yes from me!!!! Not him already unconsciously planning a date to take you to see the northern lights and only being able to imagine your face. BOY YOU ARE DOWN SO BAD. WAKE UP ALREADY. NOOOOOOOOO NOT THE DREAM RELATIONSHIP. BELLE LOVE PLS. You’re killing me rn *sobs*. That scene with her framing abt their future relationship and his hand hosting over here whilst giving him a back hug was written so well I can literally feel it happening adhkhdhkgfjhgf ugh. God reading the diary entries was so painful. I can practically hear the riding and falling octaves of hurt and desperation and hollowness and acceptance. *cries* BELES IM NOT EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH YET HOW CAN I GO ON LIKE THIS???!!? *proceeds to keep reading* NO BUT HIM REALIZING HOW HES MORE THAN JUST A SCUMBAG IN SOMEONE EYES SOBBING SCREAMING CRYING RN BELLE. I really do this that he doesn’t view himself as highly as his ego on the field does. Aside from soccer, I feel like Oliver would have a few self worry issues. You’re making me think abt his character more and this isn’t even an analysts post asfkjgfggiij. I love how you’re exploring him as a person through his relationship with the reader. It’s really hard and tricky to develop a character using a relationship they have with someone else but you’ve done a fantastic job with it love!!! Oh timeskip?? I love your dialogue writing so much, you really make y/n have a personality and Oliver doesn’t just have the 2 traits of soccer and playboy. Uh oh not the mother call. You really know you’ve messed up royally bad of you get a video call from mom with the look. Rip Oliver you will forever be remembered in our memories. WE LOVE MOM IN THIS HOUSEHOLD FINALLY SOMEONE TALKING SOME SENSE INTO THIS MAN SERIOUSLY QUIT BEING AN ASS OLIVER I SAY THIS FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR HEART. I love how the loneliness slowly creeps up on him in the little things tho. The extra groceries the empty bedroom the lack of the faucet running in the morning just ugh yes I love it all. I wanna bet that he hasn’t had a girl over or even thought abt having one over since she left cage she’s all he can think abt. I’m right aren’t I? Yup I was right. FINALLY. ITS ABT DANG TIME. NOW PRESS THE CALL BUTTON OLIVER OR SO HELP ME-. Noooooo not the voicemails. This is a risky so freaking sad to read. He’s hurting so bad but I’m still kinda mad at him so like ugh. THE GASP I LET OUT WHEN I READ THAT HES GETTING A TATTOO FOR YOU *SCREAMETHS* I’m still grinning like a crazy person asdjjfgjkhghh. Maybe not the best emotional decision while drunk Oli BUT THE SYMBOLISM THE SYMBOLIDM IS WHATS GOT ME GRINNING LIKE A FOOL. Belle you’ve got me loving all the angsty stuff *cries*. wait what. did. did I read that right???????? 6 years????? 6???? Six??????? ITS BEEN 6 YEARS SINCE THEYVE LAST SEEN EACH OTHER IM-. *wheezes and continues to furiously scroll* Oliver don’t you dare lie to yourself and say it was a drink regret we all know it wasn’t. The time skip was well place though. Unexpected but understandable. It was really needed and they’ve both grown separately which is what I was really hoping for. But see. Since the time skip was so early. I know there’s gonna be a LOT of drama upcoming. And I for one cannot wait!!! Sobs not him carrying your diary with him in his bag everywhere he goes like a lost wayward lover. That’s so mystical and romantic. Never through I’d use those two words to deserve Oliver of all people but your writing is just that good.

- ✨ anon

✨Chapter 2✨ part 2 Note: I cant believe it made me divide my ask into 2 parts tumblr do better smh That’s so mystical and romantic. Never through I’d use those two words to deserve Oliver of all people but your writing is just that good. CRIES KNOWING HE PROBABLY THOUGHT HE SAW A GLIMPSE OF YOU BUT IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE EVERY TIME AND HE WAS LEFT SO HEARTBROKEN AND SAD AND DISAPPOINTED EVERY TIME. OOF. Big oof. 6 years and no women huh? You messed up big time bud. Thank your wife Belle that’s she’s kind enough to give you a (probably) happy ending with this fic (I hope). NOT HIM SLOWLY ADOPTING YOUR MANNERISMS AND HABITS AS THE YEARS WENT BY. Seriously you pulled out all the heartache stops for this chapter Belle. Prediction. Why do I think the chapters gonna end with them meeting again? Cries. Yes. Wallow in despair and mistakes Oliver. It’ll be much help in your character development. Oliver honey. You can’t do this to me. Pls I cant take the pathetic heartache. And the strangers wondering what’s got him looking so sad too??? Stan me now why don’t you? UGH BELLE THIS US SO FREAKING GOOD!!!! Shout out to Sendou for being a true friend. I wonder if his relationship will Oliver will be developed a little later on too? Maybe. No. No no no. Ohhhhhhh my God. NOOOOOOOOO IM SCREAMING RN BITING MY PILLOW I SO DID NOT THINK YOU WERE GONNA GO THIS ROUTE BUT I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I JUST ASFJHFGJFFHGDFGFFGGG SHES HERE ISNT SHE???? SHE WANTED TO SHIW THEIR DAUGHTER HER DADDY AND SEE HIM TOO UGH I AM BELLE YOU ABSOLUTE MENACE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. “Staring into the camera wondering if you were watching him” BOY SHES IN THE STANDS WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. Not me slowly losing my mind over this new development don’t mind me asdfjkgggjjj. Ohhhh okay so my prediction for her being in the stands and having their daughter watch the game intentionally was false BUT I MIGHT STILL BE RIGHT ABT THE CLIFFHANGER ENDING LETS SEE. Pshhhhhhhhh Oliver bring bad with kids is actually so hilarious to me. God having a daughter makes so much more sense now with the context of cutting off contact and the little details. You could have predicted but it was a very low chance you did that part so well girl!!!! ASTJFDHKIFFJKUFFGJJUFDFFFF NOT THE OLDER SISTER!!!!!!!???? WILL SHE LET THEM MEET OR NO??????!!!!! AHHHHH I CANT TAKE THIS. AND I WAS RIGHT ABT THE NANES BEING SIMILAR I DIDNT MENTION IT BUT I HAD AN INKLING. LIVI = OLIVIA = OLIVER????? Yessssss give me the parental relationship development and parent-child similarities. I literally speed read the rest of it cause oh my God I couldn’t stop myself. I loved this chapter so much. His resolve to win you back over??? FREAKING TOOK 6 YEARS AND A SECRET DAUGHTER BUT WE’RE FINALLY HERE!!!!!!!! Everything abt this chapter was amazing and I loved it so much seriously you did an amazing job with this!!!! The formatting and borders look fantastic btw!!! I cannot wait for the next chapter but pls pls pls ake your time and don’t overwork yourself sweetheart!!!! And again I’m sorry for the late response and lack of interactions. Life got busy and I’ve been occupied mentally with friendship stuff. Sighs. Anyways. IM GLAD TO BE BACK NOW THO!!!! I wanna catch up!!! How are you love? How’s break been? And uni? Are you feeling better? I hope you are!!! And that you get all the writing inspiration and kudos on ao3 (unfortunately I can’t spam the kudos button or I would have) and much interactions on your blog!!!! ALSO. Question. But would you prefer me writing the reviews for the chapters on your blog or in the comments section of the fic on ao3? *sending many virtual hugs* - ✨ anon

FINALLY. the much awaited reply - I really loved reading every min of this and now I'm gonna talk about every small detail of it so it's gonna be a long ask. So yeah lets dive right into it ! We did start off with her diary. And YES. the story is a dual perspective one so there is developments on Oliver's side as well. The idea of him having viking ancestry came from vinland saga for me as well as the study of vikings - most of them came from the nordic belt so there was a possibility of that and honestly... viking! Oliver? *fans face* Now the whole thing abt the back hug and that scene? That was out of a dream I had a couple of months back that I was talking to blue about. I just love the whole narrative where you're hating him and loving him at the same time ToT

And yes! so one of the issues with Oliver's character (i'm not sure if you're reading the manga or not -) but even as a football player, he does have more addition to his personality than his nature and looks; adults took away his future from him. He wanted to be a striker but because of his coach, he had to give up that dream and become a defender instead. Another thing I like is making (y/n) have a personality as well as strong dialogues. One of the issues with fanfic writing is that the reader is also a if not the main protagonist of the story. Some of the (y/n)s out there (and I'm not saying this to stir anything up) are too soft spoken or give in too easily. Some authors mention that the reader is stubborn either through description or dialogues but they don't show it or show the reader being too dependent on someone. And honestly, I'm glad you brought out the point that the way I characterize people has more to do with stuff that really counts as a personality including Oliver since he has just been restrained to football and being a playboy -smh. Since my stories have less of smut and more of plot, there has to be character development and since I like seeing people blossom, might as well do it with the characters right? and in this case, its to do with time. he does get lonely - and there's an explanation for that in the story. So the story about the tattoo... I was planning on getting an arm tattoo done for him. like a fawn over the shoulder and then adding stuff to it... but Oliver doesn't strike as the type to get tattoos. So he got one on the ankle and...yeah no I'm not giving spoilers for further chapters just yet. |>.<| Ik the time skip seems big... but yeah. 6 years - I can't believe I fell for Oliver, then again. he's practically the only sane one in there and maybe Bachira... or else everyone is either depressed or feral. not in between literally.

6 years and Oliver hasn't had women. And ofc my story has a happy ending! - 'hurt me and put me back together' is my motto atp I'm glad that you're enjoying the angst starry - cause that's where most of my character development is. And there's more drama in the next chapter. So... did no one notice that Oliver didn't pull out? *laughing* well... yes. we did have a daughter. Oliver is actually terrible with babies. I'm happy to hear that i pulled it off well T.T Well... chapter 3 is packing. I already have a title ready And its fine! honestly- its good to take a break from tumblr once in a while So here's my update - I managed to put on weight during my break. 3 kgs/ 7 pounds consistently working out at the gym and uni... is exhausting. but we're working and I also bought a lot of books during break (chainsawman as one of them) and another one that I'm really engrossed in atm, Anything is fine Starry!! I'm keeping tumblr active in case someone wants to tell me something anonymous or discussions for character development. and I saw your comment on my fic on ao3 - i wanna say that I really appreciate it cause that was one of the first comments that fic ever got and I'm happy about it (gonna respond to it soon as well) *sending bear hugs*

Starry his collarbones are catching me off guard -

[1d1195]

ohhh myyy godddd that’s so crazy to me. i’ve been going to weddings since i was a CHILD. i think it’s a culture thing tho bc where im from ppl are always getting married andddd you’re supposed to invite LOTS of people, there’s no such thing as a small wedding😭

but i get being tapped out !! when it’s been too many back to back i get tired and stressed abt it. also funny but i think ive only been to like one funeral ??? maybeee two idk

birthday was fun !! vry simple i stayed home all day im not much of a birthday person, or at least just not my birthday bc i love celebrating my friends. the skincare routine is ???? it’s only been a few days so im not sure yet but ill keep you updated

i was going through dresses with my mom today for the weddings that was fun, always love putting together an outfit. i got a new phone case with one of those cute charms that hang from the bottom and it feels like a whole new phone🤭

I SAW ONE OF YOUR ANONS MENTION SHATTER ME ???? SO FUNNY CAUSE IM READING IT RN (i’m on book 5, anon TRUST when i say things change) im also not a huge dystopian fan at ALL bc it’s just getting too real !!! but i picked this up because my friends were BEGGING me saying i had to read it and I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS DYSTOPIAN 😭😭😭 I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS FANTASY ???? but nope !! its taking me forever to get through them but im pushing thru💪

on the topic of books, have you ever read a court of thorns and roses ??? i spent so long avoiding it for some reason but i finally caved and O!M!G!!!!! i LOVED it. idk if u have or haven’t but i will say i think you’d LOVE rhys😉

wishing you every single good thing in the world cause you deserve it !!!!! tell me how you’ve been <3333

~🎶

The weddings I've gone too haven't been that big either. I think the max was 150 people (but could have been closer to 120). Most of them have really been ~100. It's just so expensive and that's why I'm sick of it. It's a lot to spend on a bridal shower gift, a wedding gift, AND I've been on two destination bachelorette parties so it's just literally been draining my bank account.

I love that you had a lowkey/relaxing birthday! It sounds so nice! I am actually a huge bday fan. It's the only time I want to be the center of attention (or willing to be). What's your favorite kind of outfit? Or your style in general?

Isn't it cute how a little detail can change your whole attitude about something? I got a new screen protector and I'm like "I love this phone again" and last week I was ready to go trade it in HAHHAHA

🎀-anon will hopefully see this! I'm not sure I'll ever read it tbh. Like I said, dystopian really freaks me out now. I was firmly in middle school when The Hunger Games came out and Divergent was all throughout high school. On top of that my friend was recommending a whole bunch of zombie apocalypse books at the time too I was just really stressed while reading which is not what I wanted. It's still not either hahahahaha I don't mind a little conflict obviously but reading about governments and people being horrible to each other for the sake of being horrible (essentially)... I'm all set. I would first watch the news 😂😂

I have not taken the leap to read A Court of Thorns and Roses 😭 I think it's inevitable but I have A LOT of reading to do to get through my bookshelf. I've been making slower progress which isn't very helpful either 🙃 The fantasy side of novels never really piqued my interest either but I've seen lots of good things of course about the series! I'm sure I'll read it eventually, but I don't think I will be doing so just yet. When I do, I will keep an eye on Rhys hehehehe

I've been good. I swear the weekends are getting shorter every week. I'm lowkey dreading May and June but hopefully it will go by as quick as possible 🙃 I'm thinking about taking magnesium supplement because my doctor recommended it as a way to help me get out of my funky moods, boost energy, etc. etc. It's also just supposed to be really beneficial overall. Idk, I'll try anything to fix me hahahahaha I'm reading my book and writing part 4 of Ding...I'm not sure if it'll be done in time for tomorrow. I'm hopeful, but nervous it might be a Thursday update this week. Thanks for asking! Hope you have a great rest of your weekend and stellar start to the week!

xoxo

[itsjaywalkers]

omg laurie hi i just saw my tag i love it sm😭😭 (im insane commute nonnie btw)

also, bc i like explaining this, the reason for my two hour commute to class is that im Very Stupid. so what happened is that i did a little two month long internship start of last semester. the office was literally in a whole other town but i didn't have many classes so i decided to just get an apartment in that town and travel for my two-three classes per week. and that was ok. but then the internship came to an end and i found out (get ready for this) i accidentally signed a seven month lease!! idk what even happened but it's not hard to believe that my landlord told me this and i just had my head in the clouds. but anyway i was like ok cool i'll just pay the fine n move out but my best friend said that i should just do the commute this whole semester and get a job at some office again next semester (we're only allowed one internship per sem) and i was like 'ok😝 i'll do that😝😝 with no prior knowledge of my schedule for next semester🤪 im so goofy aha' and then i spent the next two month doing that (which was fun tbh. i didn't have many classes and i used the commute to not have thoughts) but then BAM this sem starts and i don't have the time for interships bc of my schedule!! however. i already lived here for like 4 months now. its like 3 more months. do i really want to just Give Up and let all the time i wasted be for nothing AND give my landlord money??? i dont Think so. which is why. out of sheer stubbornness i take two hour routes to classes 5 days a week

anyways sorry for all the yapping i just think its so funny!! (i live in delusion) but also nothing happens!! ive been thinking about that all the time. im telling you its occupied so many of my thoughts i'd sign another 7 month lease thinking about nothing happens jeggy they're my love<3 i've been talking abt them sm last week a friend gave me her jacket to sit on (was wearing white) and i said "you know who'd do this" n she said "please don't start again"

again sorry for the length of this but also have a great week!!! praying for nothing happens jeggy and the ppl they're torturing (sirius) by being themselves!!! <3

hi darling!! i'm so happy to be hearing from u <3 and i'm glad u like ur silly lil tag hehe u earned it!!

this story is . so very insane to me but at the same time i can't even judge u bc i'd also choose to endure 2 hour long commutes out of sheer stubborness BUT ALSO bc i'd refuse to pay a fine. i made a mistake with the lease and i'm dealing with the consequences but i'm not . wasting any more money . still i'm so sorry u gotta deal with this for 3 more months, just thinking about how much time u must lose on public transport every week is making me wanna cry. ur so very brave babe i swear. at least it's only temporary, and once this semester is over you'll be able to move out and hopefully get a place a lot closer to ur classes so u can chill a little. honestly this feels like something that'd happen to me so u have all my support and appreciation UR DOING GREAT DARLING!!!

don't apologise!! it was very fun to read indeed and i love getting these updates on ur life + ur crazy commutes. and i've been thinking about them A Lot too, both them and oby jeggy have been occupying all of my mental space and i swear they're all driving me insane. AND LISTEN james would. for reg he so would. sorry to ur friend bc she sounds very done but i'm on ur side always and that's definitely very nothing happens james coded!!! IT HAD TO BE SAID!!!

STOP APOLOGISING BABE U AND UR ASKS ARE SUPER LOVELY thank u very much and i'm also wishing u a great week!! u deserve it!! and i'm also praying for all of them bc . they're gonna need it lmao

[videostak]

duuude my living situation sucks so much donkey dick it makes me wish i could like cry :’( srlsy just got cussed out by my dad for not doing things that are supposed to be other ppls chores. i wish i could pinpoint the point in my life where my family started seeing me as their personal maid to yell at whenever anythings a mess. i know it started with me doing the dishes (my family and mom specifcally had stated that we would all help with the dishes and then after like a week no one else helped and it all fell on me and since then theyve just stopped doing stuff that they used to help out w/ so now im like doing everything basically or at the leeast the one whos expected to keep things tidy) probably the closest ive ever been to ssaying fuck you to one of my family members let alone a living person at all. tho i thought things would be crazy dire when it reached the point of being chewed out for things that arent even my responsibility but in reality when i felt like saying it i realized like it would have no impact. like my dad said fucking 600 times while chewing me out and i was like didnt kno he reached that point where he just cusses his own family members out right out the gate. it was literally so insane hes insane and just has such a fkd idea of what like dumbass nuclear family bs. every1 else puts up with his shit and just avoids talking to him and i feel like im the only one who actually takes a stand for myself cause idk i feel like i dont have anything to lose. if he kicks me out ill live on the streets die on the streets idc like just so fucked living like this. every1 expects to clean up after them but if they catch me cleaning up after them thhey act like im babying them and not letting them be adults its so fkd like theres truly no way out the only way out is just like thru with blunt force  i think. like im so sick of my dad theres so many times id put up with his bs and take his side on things but i rly do not wanna talk or even entertain the idea of talking to him to him. literally anytime any1 talks to him he just turns it into a 30 minute lecture and he acts so childish when things dont go his way. like when i got furniture for my room and he was annoyed cause i didnt ask him for furniture (wtf) and  then once when i said i was looking for a round lil table and he takes me to the garage to show me a long rectangle table that doesnt even match the other furniture in my room and when i say its not what i was looking for he goes all silent and just guides me out lol. liek when i was a kid i thought it was so amazing that my mom and dad got married when they were p young (dont remember the ages exactly but im p sure my mom was 19 and my dad was idk how many years older he is but just like a few) but now like i see so clearly how totally much it stunted their growth. they both act like little kids and never listen or behave like adults can never take accountability or give actual apologies like def made me realize u should wait as long as possible to get married. i guess its good they got married or atleast had sex since it means i got to be born (yay) but everything else abt it is a real bad deal. rly dont see myself being able to move out anytime soon but ill honestly just keep at the work and save up money and like some day go back to college and hopefully make connections to finda roommate or smthn.

[withloveajaxx]

for the ask game!! cinnamon, mauve, blush, fuchsia, lavender, umber, razzmatazz, safron YES <3

IVE MISSED U TOO ☹️💗 & TELL YOU EVERYTHING?? OMG OKOK (it’s mainly me being sad tho bc life is unfair)

I’ve been doing alright, the two times I moved blogs tho,, it had to do w personal problems & some people had the audacity to send in asks that they rlly shouldn’t have bc it made me so damn uncomfortable and it was not helping w my current state so I left :,) THE SECOND TIME I LEFT WAS ALSO BC OF MY PROBLEMS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE and everything was going downhill and I needed a break + people were still making me uncomfortable w their asks (turned them off before I left again) I had accidentally deleted my only moots blog which I had to replace but using the same url (@yonayie pls my layla theme was so cool I miss it) I then deleted my other blog and moved here!! away from the trolls!! and weirdos who can’t comprehend the fact that I’m a minor!!

I spent my Christmas and new years on the verge of tears, it was not fun 😭 my house started flooding on Christmas and it scared the shit out of me!!! & on new years?? i cried bc 2022 was an ass and sm happened it was terrible & we didn’t set off fireworks like we used to so that sucked :,)

school has been a PAIN. I’m a complete loner so that makes everything harder 😭 & my math teacher? literally how did he get hired he cannot teach to save his life he’s so unfair too it’s CRAZY HNGJSJWIJE the only way I get a passing grade is if I self-study and do rlly well on the end of course test in april (which is getting dangerously close im not ready) I dislike my drama teacher 👨‍🏫 I’m okay with my environmental sci teacher + history teacher theyre chill 🤞the workload is manageable so I think I’ll be able to get all of my credits most def!!

oh oh my birthday is on the 27th!! yes this friday pls im not sure if I’ll be able to do anything for it but if not it’s okay <3 (it’d be the 3rd year not celebrating it which is why I’m so chill abt it that’s so sad 😭)

wow omg that’s sm word vomit pls!! why has my life been so depressing I cannot!! i just hope this year doesn’t treat me as badly!! PRAYS 🙏

okay now ur turn TELL ME EVERYTHINGGG <33 (everything that u can ofc 💓)

STOP WAIT,,, I INSPIRE YOU??? HELP WHY DOES THAT MAKE MY DAY WTF YONA PLEASE ILYSM 💗💗

also omg that's a lot that happened in your absence,,, FIRST OF ALL, i will willingly beat up life and people for you i swear,,, those weirdos better watch out for these hands >:((. secondly, i'm sorry that school, christmas, and new year were a pain in the butt :((. i hope everything gets better for you!! and ofc if you need anyone to talk to, i'll do my best to reply mwah 🫶

AND OMG okay what's been happening in my life,,, i'll put this under a cut so ppl don't need to scroll for too long HAHDJXJSJD

OKAY SO FIRST OF ALL... COLLEGE APPLICATIONS. good god those humbled me HAHDJKDKSD LYK I AM ACTUALLY STUPID 💀 the one i recently took was so fucking hard it was not even funny,,, like they put shit i've never learned, heard of, or saw and it was HORRIBLE. i was literally guessing everything math related please pray for my future </33 HAHDJDJKD.

ALSO!! I GOT INTO KPOP MORE AGAIN HEHEHEHE. i recently went to a concert of one of my favorite groups and holy shit. i cried. like so many times. HAHDJCKDF IT WAS CRAZY GETTING TO SEE THEM IRL AND I JUST AAAAAAAAJSKCIISJD 😭😭 i'm also seeing another group next week,,, MY ULTIMATE FAVORITE ONE. and i shit you not i am not mentally or emotionally prepared to see those men up close and on stage HSJFKDKDD

also yea school was a bitch 💀 tons of freeloaders and horrible teachers but yk what,,, i got my report today and i passed so it's okay HAHSJFKKDD. also i'm graduating soon and that's kinda scary n idk how to cope but yes 😭 i'm just hoping for the best and giving it my all HSHDJKKFF

BUT THAT'S BEEN ABOUT IT FOR ME,,, HOPING 2023 IS GOOD TO US <33

also nah i'm making sure your birthday will be somewhat special <33 gonna hold a tumblr party n give u a lil something I SWEAR 💗

[thisisegregiouuuus]

bro 😻

its actually so insane how i used to be so obsessed w the shining. like looking back on all that i was litereally going crazy--and like my interests/phases only last like a week or so but damn that one alsted like 2 months or smth, i thought it would never end so i was kinda surprise when i watched it for like the 5th time or something and i went 'damn...this is getting kinda old'

i genuinely felt sad tho. it always feels kinda sad falling out of a phase/interest kinda thing, especially one youve liked for a while. like with the shining its fine bc i know i still like it but it was just a crazy 2 month-phase, now i still like it but like, in a normal, non-crazed kinda way lmao, like im not silently talking to myself in my head abt the shining and begging for someone, anyone to talk to me abt the shining, i was legit on the brink of madness, i couldt contain myself thats how much i loved it lmao

anyway. for now its not compeltley lost, i still do like it, but idk, the last time i watched it i could jsut tell i wasnt as interested as the previous times, and thats when i was like 'damn it, this is it ig' and it was super sad. it felt like a big loss, but then again im happy i got out of it, like i said. maybe it was for the better! now i gotta find smth else to occupy me and my attention for the next couple of weeks or ill go insane!!!

this whole the shining phase ended like 2 or 3 months ago or smth. now im jsut mucking around. ive been watching th eoffice over and over again bc yeah i do love it but liek theres literally nothing else to occupy my attention with. and i feel kinda bad saying that, like i feel stupid saying i need smth to constantly be keeping my attention or like keeping me entertained, but like otherwise i just feel like i have no meaning or purpose or anything to keep me going, and i need smth! im not depressed or anything tho i swear 🙏

anyway I LOVE THE CATCHER IN THE RYE!!!! in history today my favourite book of all time was like very briefly mentioned and i wanted to explode when i saw it, i so badly wanted to mention it but there was no way id do it in front of anyone so yeah. holden caulfield is fr me, or he was most like year last year when i was like so alone at school and hated everybody. i still dont like most people but its not as bad as it used to be

anyway i feel really stupid writing this whole thing, idkw, but yeah, for now idk what ill do. i am going in an out of different writing projects/little stories that ive made up but i can never commit to just one thing. i am going back to my main project tho, and im really happy for once because im just writing. im not worrying about what other people might think (even tho i literally dont show it to anyone i legit just write for myself i jsut get rlly stupid sometimes,) im honestly just having fun and writing what i like, and i think thats what writings all about. its not about proving yourself to anyone or trying to impress anyone, or trying to make yourself seem all big and idk intellectual and all smartsy fartsy and stuff. its litereally just to express yourself and have fun and put all your amazing ideas down onto paper, i love writing so much, especially when i dont convince myself that my writing is shit and tell myself that it's not good enough and if people were to see it they wouldnt be as impressed as i want them to be

but anyways, thats all! its been a while since ive been on here so yeah. i know no one relaly sees these but theyre still fun to write. i just like expressing myself, i feel like im honestly kind of better off if no one sees these. like it would be nice to have like a tiny little community or some friends on here or smth since tbh even tho ive been on here for like a year and a half i still dont rlly fully understand how this app works </3 im just here for fun! so anyway

thats all folks! ski you later everybody! 😼

(sidenote, yes ik i dont know how to spell 'literally' i keep messing it up😻)

[ramu-ego]

AHHH JEEZ A 2 DAYS LATE REPLY MY BAD, i def wouldve responded sooner but i suddenly got busy, missed camping in this little blog here 💔😭 (yes 2 days is a lot in my book LMAO)

when i saw sir nighteye, i looked at ego and i was like. Yea. Yea that’s a type alright LMFAOO.. IVE MEVER SEEN THE REST EXCEPT DAZAI BUT MAYBE THATS SIGN FOR ME TO OPEN MY TASTES A BIT MORE..

100% agree on the ego paragraph!!..!.!?! EVEN IF I WASNT THE BIGGEST FAN ITS SOO OBVS HE CARES.. one day imma see an ego appreciation paragraph analysis explaining every single detail abt what he did and i wouldnt be surprised if that post is from you LMFAO

god i’ve never heard nikko’s eng voice but i’m def not looking forward to it — i read the nikko post though, GOODD LOORDDD may of changed my perspective of nikko on ruining him but still, gotta stay loyal to my favs (a lie, i’m a whore and would jump around but niko just aint it for me LMFAO)

god yea, my timezones been like .. the direct opposite of most people so i wasn’t surprised to see ours be different, JUST CRAZY HOW KUCH OF A DIFFERENCE IT ACTUALLY WAS .. fuckk guess we can twin in being last to almost everything then huh? the only win i get is just having an asian timezone to be early to actual content LMFAO

i respect liking dubs!!!! i used to watch dubs for like, romance anime? toradora and shit when i was WAYYY younger!! HONESTLY I SEARCHED UP ALL UR RECS AND III THINKKK i may start with mob psycho first since it peaks my interests the most! but i’ll def check fire force since it’s one of ur favs, i’ll tell you what i think abt it when i actually DO start it (chronic procrastinator, i even procrastinated writing this message despite how much i wanted to chat LOL)

I HAVE REALLY BAD MEMORY SO IVE GOT NO IDEA WHICH GUY I WAS REFERRING TO.. curly hair??? black hair??? looked kinda dead inside??? I THINK IT MIGHTVE BEEN W GAGAMARU AND RAICHI.. his hair looked kinda like it hadn’t been washed in weeks ngl

IM HAPPY TO READ YOUR RESPONSES HONESTLY, SUPEPRRR FUN and it feels like im having a genuine one on one convo even if we are like — replying to it like letters or sum LMFAO, guess we going back to the past era for this! BEINNG A HAIRDRESSER FOR 5 YEARS IS SOO COOL?? you’re only 25 now so like — did you pick this job up early on??

i’ve never watched haikyuu but i could see a lot of people felt differently abt blue lock compared to haikyuu, blue lock kinda increases that competitive spirit that’s rare to find in that. team work stuff?

since i felt as if my replies were kinda ass this time, i got news! just watched blue lock episode 11 and good fucking lord this shit was good — yea i was worried about bad animation but shit POPPED OFF.. and rin itoshi :?/!.?.!?! i screamed creamed probably was thinkign with only my metaphorical dick from that point on because good lord i want this man HELP.. it’s been like a year or two(?) since i first saw rin itoshi in the manga but good lord when i saw him animated and even spoke, i felt sum ROARING DOWN THERE … (excuse my language i only think with my lower region!) this awakened sum in mme.. don’t be surprised once i start sending genuine requests and thirsts

since i even joked about this being like a literal letter, maybe i should start signing off like one!!!

from 💌 anon or something LMFAO

NO NO TWO DAYS IS NOTHING I CAN BE AWFUL AT RESPONDING-

-I am so bad at like focusing to respond so trust me no apology needed bc I'm chronically bad at looking at a message and then giving myself anxiety over it. It's something I'm working on 😂😭

Dazai is mildly the odd man out except for the dude with black 'n white hair they're kinda con losers together but I'd say the over arching theme is "they look like they bite...but not really" I have no sense of danger I want the weird looking men no one wants 😂 but no seriously all the fandoms they're from are really good highly recommend Dr Stone and Fire Force if you enjoy Blue Lock. They are *chefs kiss*

do you know how hard it is to keep my twitching fingers on my keyboard to not rant about Ego??? I could do it I could go on and on about this man but- asdfghjkl- I'm controlling myself! mostly bc i don't wanna share my weird husband shhh that's not the point shhh he's my ugly little greenbean

i blame my friend on the niko bullshit!! she went on about how perfectly he'd fit that pervy hentai protagonist who like- steals panties- and cries when he gets caught and all that bullshit?? now I can't unsee it?? he's so stealing panties and putting under his pillow to sleep with only to make up a loud sob story when he gets caught. He's a perv and now I can't unsee it and I hate it 😩

really you have the problem of conflicting timezones?? I'm genuinely surprised bc like- everyone I talk to is like bare minimum in Europe and further over as I sit my lonely self in the United States. Count your blessings bc at least you don't live in the States we're awful 😂 we can be opposite timezone buddies like long drawn out lovers from two forlorn families writing drawn out poetic letters to each other to be sent by snail mail as we try to survive the black plague! or you know...something like pen pals 😂

my peanut brain suffers with subbed I can't look at the animation and take in what they're saying T^T I did it with Jujutsu Kaisen when it came out and can honestly say I don't recall anything I watched bc I was reading subs. RIP this is why I have to read the mangas </3 Oh but Mob is so good!!! It's one of my favorites and my comfort animes I can't tell you how many times I've watched it?? I think like- seven times? Eight times? Easing your way into the list makes Mob Psycho a good starter. But no seriously I cannot stress it enough how much I love Fire Force. Plus cursed knowledge, English dubbed Ego is Fire Forces main character and he is a cinnamon roll of a good boy and a total 180 of Ego's character 😂 Equal parts blessed and cursed when you hear Ego being a good boy

a lot of them look dead inside but dying so hard at gagamaru being put in the dead eye category?? my wife is in love with him so now I'm dying over the dead eye thing 😂 tbh they're so many characters I still have to look back and know who's who

you will find out I can't keep my mouth shut so if you get me talking I will put in that much effort 😂 But actually sweet I'm not 25 I'm 27 (had to double check with my wife I lost track) So the five years of hairdressing isn't too out there but I did pick it up after two yrs of college when I dropped out bc US education system suuuucks. Love hair but covid made people entitled shitheads and didn't want to spend nine hours a day with jackasses to come home to a baby so I just swapped entitled costumers to an entitled baby XD

haikyuu is...cute. like- ok i dont really do slice of life animes and heavily dont do sports anime (haikyuu and blue lock are literally the only ones) but Haikyuu is definitely not the same as Blue Lock. They spend a lot of time explaining how the game works where as Blue Lock its kinda "you know how soccer works or sucks to be you" which I like bc the one thing I do get tired with haikyuu is the over explanation of things. It's a cute show though! I could only watch it once thru but its fun when you haven't watched it before

UGH IM SO WORRIED OVER WHO IS GONNA PLAY RIN I'VE BEEN CHEWING MY NAILS OVER IT- Their casting director has been so good so?? Like?? I know it'll be good but at the same time?? I'm still so worried?? I mean- They convinced me to love Ego even after knowing who his VA was (and what I watched him previously in was NOT anything like his Ego role) but still- Rin's my baby?? Rin's my little bratty temper tantrum baby i wanna smoosh?? He has to be perfect?? More so than anyone else?? Pleading with the casting gods Rin sounds good or I will sob 😭 And I'm like- Have no idea are they doing 12 episode season or a 24 episode season. I need answers T^T

pls send me Rin thirsts I can't shut the fuck up about him

[dsmposting]

im posting the au b4 i watch any of the lore streems bc Jesus christ iwill NOT be normal. i bet

uuuhh so here is the,summary of it (also only going to b referring to c!dsmp members from here on)

it starts w tubbo acting kinda suspicious and purposefully avoiding talking abt or addressing his feelings (also literally anything about ranboo or michael. i hc that eret n phil usually step in n watch him 4 tubbo) as he walks around the smp kinda aimlessly until he sees tommy and they finally start talking again! and tommys been rlly worried abt tubbo bc they dont see each other as much n tubbo makes a rlly brief comment like "that wont be a problem for very long anyway" and toms assumes its just bc theyre reconnecting n plan on talking more often, but smthn about the way he says it feels wrong. he shrugs it off though

a couple days pass and tommy wakes up to find a note in his chest from tubbo!! and he says he has smthn rlly important and exciting to show him!! so toms takes a while to get ready and at some point stops bc he hears a huge fucking unnatural explosion sound waayyy off in the distance and he's like "oh thats bad. oh fuck wtf" and runs to the spot tubbo told him to meet up at to make sure tubbos okay and then . freezes in fear

bc the community house is blown up Again, but way worse than ever before. shit is on fire, the hole in the ground is way too steep and theres these weird snowy particles stuck in the air that make him feel funny when he touches them. the worst part is that tubbo is standing on a cobblestone tower in the middle of the crater and smiling at him like nothing happened.

tommy stares at him and asks why he looks so happy before tubs notices him and practically starts glowing w/ excitement. "oh my god hi!!! i didnt think youd show up already!! do u like what ive done w the place?? :D" and tommy just starts fucking shaking like "tubbo what did you do. why are you doing this" b4 tubbo does this big monologue abt how he finally finished developing a new weapon All on his Own and that now it could just be him and tommy again, but with no dream or sapnap or literally anyone else to get in the way this time!! and how he's so excited because now everything will make sense again and he doesn't have to think about things that ruin his psyche anymore and they never have to be apart again. at some point during the monologue tubbo starts staring at the sky, so tommy takes the opportunity to start tearing down the cobblestone tower while his best friend is distracted and forcibly interrupts his monologue to just fucking sit there and hug him. tubbo cries, probably for the first time in nearly a year, and tom tells him that he doesn't need to do all this crazy shit to keep them from splitting apart. hes still freaked the fuck out by everything that happened though and tubbo tells him that even if they repair the community house completely there will still be radiation in the area around it for, yknow, possible decades.

tommy realizes they could get caught for this and decides on the spot that the two of them are leaving. when tubbo asks what he means by that he starts spitballing a plan to say goodbye to phil and eret and everybody they still give a shit about and then run from the smp. tubbo takes a lot of convincing but eventually realizes it'd be safer for michael that way, and agrees to move away with him. tommy makes a point to say "if fuckin wilbur can do it, so can we." tubbo asks if they're just taking his orders out of habit again, and tommy reassures him that the decision they're making is their own because if he would never move to Fucking Utah; tubbo adds that he'd probably punch him in the dick if he ever saw him again anyway and tommy nearly cries laughing

they take Maybe a week doing what toms calls a "moving out speedrun" in which they start saying goodbye to the ppl they care about and this is p much where my idea ends. still have no idea how id tackle the ranboo situation at all but fuck it theres real lore now ig

[mistymark]

..

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖