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boldlyvoid · 3 years

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New Romantics | Part Three

18+

Summary: She needs help studying for her Case Exercises at the Academy, He needs a date for the annual Banquet... they just so happen to be neighbours who aren't afraid to lend a helping hand, or in this case, a helping kiss.

Categories: Fake dating, neighbours, strangers to lovers, mutual pining, Angst with a happy ending, Smut *as selected by my poll on what you wanted to read*

Warnings: Season 9 Spencer (no Maeve arc), Angst, kissing, drinking, police training mentions, case details, canon typical violence, self-doubt, autistic!spencer, age gaps (24/33), FWB relationships, period mentions, anxiety attacks, crying, misunderstandings,

Word Count: 4.7K

a/n: this chapter covers the whole week from Monday to Friday, thank you @awrfhi for making the gif I used here <3

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five

Monday morning she’s in his arms still, and then again on Tuesday; he basically lives with her when he’s not on a case. They make dinner together at night and they drive in together every morning, and they have had sex all over her apartment… and he loves her but he was tired when he said it and in a post-orgasm haze and he’s her best friend.

But he loved her— just not the way she loved him. She was sure of it.

Tuesday morning at 10:53 am, she cracks her fake case. They’re apprehending the unsub by Noon and then she has the rest of the week off. So she heads to the main Quantico building, she gets a visitor's pass and she takes the elevator all the way up to the BAU.

She walks through the bullpen doors and Spencer is sitting at his little desk with his head buried in a book. Penelope sees her first, wrapping her up in a hug that gets everyone’s attention as she rocks her back and forth while telling her how much she likes her.

“You are so pretty, and nice and cute, and your hair smells so good?”

“Thank you, it’s Spencer's shampoo,” she laughs as she holds her back, “I just wanted to come and see him really quick?”

He’s standing beside her and she doesn’t even know until Penelope releases her from her grasp. He wraps her up next, “why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

She kisses him right on the mouth, holding his face in her hands she has missed him too much to wait till they are alone again, “I caught the unsub.”

“No way?”

She nods feverishly, “yeah remember I found that stray hair on the crime scene? Everyone was fighting over why there wasn’t a sexual aspect and I was trying to convince them she was a women unsub when the hair came back matching our victims best friend, who also knew victim number 1.”

He’s so happy, his smile is the biggest any of his teammates have ever seen, he lifts her and twirls her around and no one can believe the sight. Spencer Reid the uptight, overly smart, always following proper procedure, Doctor at the FBI; was spinning his girlfriend around as he kissed her cheek.

“You are a genius,” he compliments her as he sets her back down and places another kiss on her lips.

“I know,” she laughs, “I beat your score by one day.”

“I hate you,” he kisses her again and by now they don’t realize they have an audience. It’s incredibly convincing to everyone except each other.

“No, you love me,” she whispers, kissing him again before they hear someone clear their throat.

“Do you want to help with ours?” Derek asks, jumping into the moment and reminding them that they’re in public. “We’re just doing non-urgent consults today.”

“Am I allowed?” She lights up.

Derek nods, “I don’t see why not, as long as you just tell your ideas to us and don’t file anything then I think it’s legal?”

So she helps and it’s the most exhilarating thing since having sex with Spencer. She’s in her element, looking at small details and making connections that even leave Spencer humming and ha-ing. She has a younger insight than the rest of the team, she’s exactly why they hired Spencer in the first place and now she was shining brighter than him.

But he loved it.

Every time she made a connection or she had a suggestion that helped one of them on their own train of thought, Spencer would smile at her like she hung the stars in the night sky. He was proud of her in a way she hasn’t seen in many people before, filling her heart with warmth and hope that maybe he can love her for real one day.

—

She was possibly the love of his life and the more he saw her work and the more he knew her mind; the more he fell. She walked around his office and talked to his friends as if she was always meant to be there, and a part of him really wanted her to be.

He snuck away to go talk to Hotch, closing his office door as he sat down, “what’s wrong?”

“Y/N isn’t really my girlfriend,” he whispers. “She’s pretending so I could get everyone to stop bothering me about dating, and I understand it looks like she’s using me to get close to the team but I really do think she would be an excellent asset to the unit even if she was just in the office—“

“Reid,” Hotch cuts him off and a smile builds. “I already sent her an offer to take Anderson's job while he’s out on paternity leave.”

“Oh,” he smiles to himself. “Pretend I never said anything.”

“It stays in these 4 walls, don’t worry,” Hotch smiles back, “but you should tell her.”

“Tell her what?”

“That you’re in love with her.”

“I’m not,” he lies, “really, I do love her but I’m not in love with her, there is a difference.”

“I know,” Hotch reminds him. “Did you know that I only joined the school musical to get close to Haley? I did whatever I could to get her to fall in love with me and didn’t even realize it when she did because I was so worried she didn’t.”

“Oh.”

Hotch nods with another smile, “you don’t have to tell her until you’re ready, obviously, but you should tell her before it’s too late.”

“I will,” he whispers. “Thanks, Aaron.”

“Why don’t you guys head out early?” He offers, “we could all use a day off with the people we love.”

When he walks back down from Aaron's office, Y/N is with Emily and JJ discussing how she caught her fake unsub at school that morning. She doesn’t brag, she loves to mention her classmates by name and verbatim explains how they helped her. She is a team player, a genius, beautiful, kind… she really is the love of his life.

“Hey,” he places his hand on her lower back as he slides into the conversation. “Hotch said we can all leave early if we wanted?”

“Sure,” she smiles, “actually, did you want to come with me to buy a dress for your thing?”

“That would be fun,” he agrees, wrapping his other arm around her so he can rest his chin on her shoulder and hold her. “Remember I’m buying it so don’t stress about the price.”

“You’re too nice to me,” she replies.

“I just love you,” his voice is as low as he can make it but everyone still hears.

She holds him back tighter, in a silent ‘I love you, too’ and they hear JJ and Emily swoon.

They’re quick to get their things and head out, she hands Spencer her keys and lets him drive to the mall so she can relax, she’s done a lot today.

She’s so quiet on the drive, she holds his hand like she always does and she just looks out the window, she’s peaceful and content with the nothingness of spending alone time with Spencer. They were always just quiet together, sometimes they laughed till they cried and sometimes he could make her scream but most of the time they were quiet.

“Have you checked your email?”

She smiles as she turns to him and her grip on his hand tightened, “what did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything, I just told hotch the truth so that he could offer you a job, but he already had before I went in there but he’s a good secret keeper, believe me.”

“Oh,” her smile disappears. “So he knows we’re not really dating?”

He nods, “Is that okay?”

“Yeah, I guess we’re going to have to find a convincing way to break up for them and still be able to hang out all the time,” she worries aloud. “Because I don’t want to stop this any time soon, I hope you know that. I really like spending time with you.”

“I feel the same way,” he agrees. “I promise, we can just tell them we work better as friends and they might believe us?”

“I don’t think they will,” she frowns again. “JJ told me not to break your heart today, but I feel like if we break up I’m going to break all of theirs.”

“We could have a fake ugly breakup, and not talk to each other publicly for a bit and then be friends again?” He suggests, “Penelope and Kevin did that.”

She nods, still frowning. She interlocks their fingers this time and she holds his hand instead of just anxiously fiddling with his fingers. She really doesn’t want to let go, and he’s almost convinced she feels the same way.

The banquet is on Saturday, she has one last week of school before her graduation and then they’re done. He thinks about asking her, about what would be the best time to tell her he was in love with her and ask her to be his real girlfriend.

Maybe he’ll do it after the banquet? Maybe he’ll do it after her graduation? He just really wants to do it before she meets his mom. He wants his mom to meet her as the love of his life and his best friend.

He hated many things, but as he kept glancing at her as he drove he realized he hated one thing most of all. He hated that he couldn’t love her as much as she deserved, at least not yet. He wanted to shower her in love, he wanted to protect her and care for her, he wanted to show her off and make love to her and never leave her side.

It hurts, his heart physically aches as he thinks about that. If he had to feel like this to know his love was real, then the pain was worth it. She was always worth it, and he would hurt as long as possible, forever even, if it meant he could be around her just as long.

He held her hand tighter in the silence which made her turn to him, he had no idea he had been crying until she leans over and wipes his cheeks, “I love you, you know that?”

“I love you too,” he smiles but he can’t keep the conversation there, he’s feeling trapped and so he changes the topic. “What colour dress were you thinking?”

The quick-change makes her laugh, “probably black.”

“Are you sure?”

She nods, “I don’t need to stand out beside you any more than I already do.”

“What does that mean?”

She bits her lip, “some of the people in my class are saying that I’m only doing so well because you’re helping me cheat and that I’m just fucking you to get a job… just like I thought they would.”

“At the end of the day, we have a friendship they will never understand, we have great sex because we want to, you’re smarter than me, and the BAU wants you… so who is the real winner?” He’s always going to be her number one cheerleader.

“You’re right,” she smiles again finally, “as always.”

—

He convinces her to get a red dress.

She hasn’t had a pretty dress like this one since her prom and that was 6 years ago. She hasn’t been to a party or mingled with people in just as long, she didn’t realize how lonely she had been while chasing her dreams until Spencer came along.

He was one of the dreams. She saw him talk once, years ago on a school trip, and she fell in love with him a little, even back then. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to be him or be with him back then, doing everything in her power to get into the criminal psych degree at her local college, she just wanted to be like him.

Now she’s liked by him.

Every night he goes to his home across the hall and he does his own nightly routine before coming back to her apartment for the night. She’s too emotional to sleep with him today, she knows that if she has sex with him she’s going to say something stupid or cry after because being this close to him without being honest with him is killing her.

Something in him has changed too, he’s less scared to initiate contact, he doesn’t jump anymore when she hugs him or when she smacks his bum as she passes him. Now he’s wrapping his arms around her while she cooks dinner, and he kisses her cheek randomly when they’re in public.

He tells her that he loves her.

She’s confused and she has no one to talk to about it.

She lays back against her pillows and closes her eyes, she knows she’s going to cry soon, and she doesn’t know what to do because she doesn’t want to cry in front of him and he would be upset if she told him to not come back tonight.

The stress of the situation just makes her cry more as she stresses herself into another anxiety attack, much like the first night she talked to him. She just lets it happen, the anxiety in her stomach builds and the tears slip past her eyes and suddenly she’s sobbing into her pillow hard enough that she doesn’t hear him come back.

She jumps at the feeling of his hand on her back as he sits on the edge of the bed, “what’s wrong?”

She just sits up and hugs him, and he hugs her back and they stay there like that for a while. When she calms down, she pulls back from him and wipes her eyes, “my period is coming.” She’s not really lying, and he believes her.

“Does it normally make you this emotional?”

He’s never really experienced her mood swings, he has no idea what he’s in for, she nods. “Yeah, and I have really bad anxiety which just gets worse around this time.”

“And you’re not on anything?”

She shakes her head, “I’m waiting to get onto the good healthcare when I get a job with the bureau, I can’t afford to work and go to school, I’m glad I had enough scholarship money left to rent this place long enough to go to the academy.”

“Oh.”

She just nods, “I’ve never had much money like my parents have been saving for 2 years to buy plane tickets to Virginia so that they can see me graduate. They started saving before I even got in. I went to community college on a scholarship and I get a lot of money from applying for bursaries.”

“Are you going to take the CARD job or the BAU offer?”

She shrugs, “I’m not sure yet, but probably CARD.”

“Why?”

“I can’t work with you,” she whispers. “It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to be there like I’m using you and that all my work isn’t that great. I’m just Doctor Spencer Reids girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, imposter syndrome is a leading factor in depression among child prodigies, once you reach a certain age and you stop receiving awards for your work, it’s hard to believe that you’re still doing a good job.”

She knows he gets it, he has probably said the same fact to himself to calm down before. “Thank you.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

She nods, pulling back the covers and moving over so he can snuggle in beside her. She holds him, resting her head on his chest and taking a deep inhale of his cologne, this was the love of her life and if this was as close as she was ever going to be to him, she was going to take it.

He kisses the top of her head and holds her in his arms at just the right pressure to calm her down. She feels so comfortable with him but she still feels like shit, she doesn’t stop crying, and he just holds her through it.

“Do you want to tell me what’s really wrong?” He whispers after a while, he sounds worried.

“No,” she whispers. “I can’t.”

“Is it about me?”

“Yeah,” she cries again, “and I don’t have any other friends to talk to about us and now you’ve told hotch and I have no one to talk to about how this is kinda stressing me out.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” his voice is still scared and she knows he’s going to panic regardless and just send them around in a circle of constant anxiety. But his tone is more apologetic than one fuck up.

“Who else did you tell?” She sits up, “I thought this was just between us?”

“I needed advice, the same reason you are reacting right now, you’re stressing me out,” Spencer finally talks back with passion and she knows they’re about to fight for no reason.

“I never said you were stressing me out. I said our situation was, but I think I need to sleep alone now, Spencer” she’s confident and stern even though she’s crying.

“We can’t go to bed mad at each other. You even said the mornings are the worst, we can’t hate each other for no reason tomorrow,” he starts to cry, not knowing where he went wrong and she can see it on his face.

“I just don’t have what you have, and I’ve always been trying to copy you…”

“What?”

She sighs and wipes her tears, “I have had a big fat, fan-girly, crush on you since I was 18, I came here with my class to watch you do a talk on philias and phobias and then I knew I wanted to get into the academy and I wanted to beat your record and join the BAU, and I just thought; one day I’m going to be friends with this guy and catch bad guys with him and now I am and I’m so alone.”

“You have me?”

“I know,” she tries to smile, “but I only have you and I can tell you almost everything. Like my biggest stressor right now is that if just looking at fake crime scenes for 3 weeks has made me this anxious; what if I’m not cut out for this? What if I get to a real crime scene and I pass out or—“

“That’s only human,” he presses his lips together, awkwardly, and very Spencerly. “If you didn’t feel like this job makes you hate the world and untrusting of everyone around you; then I would think you’re crazy.”

“How do you do it?”

“I open up and let people in, but I typically wait till I’m at my lowest; crying in my friend's arms because I don’t know what to do anymore,” he smiles again, wider and toothy as she smiles back.

“Thank you,” she can’t help but tilt her head and smile as her heart settles and her brain calms down a bit, “I love you.”

“Can I kiss you or is that too much right now?”

She gets in closer to him, laying back down on the pillow and looking at him. They’re closer enough to kiss, and she just takes a moment to look at him, resting her hand on his cheek as he wraps around her waist and pulls her in closer.

“We’re okay?” He asks with his lips right against her, his breath is hot and he smells like toothpaste.

“We’re okay, but no more talking tonight, okay?” She whispers.

He nods, leaning in and kissing her finally. She knows she shouldn’t be kissing him, she knows that she should be mad at herself, but she also knew that even just pretending that he loved her back was good enough.

—

He gets called away to a case on Wednesday morning, he’s too busy to really call her and he doesn’t text back. He feels bad about it but he knows she wanted space to think anyway, what he didn’t expect was for her to reach out to Penelope.

She’s in the office with her on Friday, tired of Spencer ignoring her so she went to the one place he couldn’t avoid her; Penelope’s office.

“How can I help you today, my fine furry friends?” Y/N answers the phone with a smirk, copying Penelope’s line perfectly, they can hear them high five through the line.

“Y/N?” Spencer is the first to catch it, “what are you doing there?”

“I came to meet Anderson and see if I’d like to take his job or not,” she teases, pretending she wasn’t there just to bother him.

Hotch cuts in, asking the question he needed to ask before hanging up, “not sure what’s going on at home but we’re too close to cracking this case for schoolyard games.”

“Yes sir,” he nods and looks away, retreating to the other side of the room to stare at the map and pretend to find connections.

“Crack this and you can go home to her,” Derek whispers with a smile, thinking he’s helping the situation.

“That’s not where I want to be right now.”

“Woah,” Derek catches it, “what happened?”

“Nothing,” he’s quick to get him to stop it but he really wants advice, “she’s stressed out and she took it out on me and I wasn’t very nice back.”

“You said sorry and you pretended you were over it, didn’t you?”

He turns away from Derek with a nod, he wants to come out with it and get it over with and he’s so mad and embarrassed he just starts to cry a little, “I don’t want to lose her.”

“How could you?”

“You have no idea,” he rolls his eyes lightly and scoffs, confusing Derek.

“And I won't unless you want to talk to someone about what’s really bothering you, but you’ve been happier since you met her and I like seeing you happy, and Savannah likes double dates,” he scolds him with a smile, patting his shoulder lightly. “now let's crack this and maybe on the plane you will tell me what’s up?”

“Sure,” he says, but he doesn’t want to.

However, Derek Morgan is good at a lot of things, and one of those things is getting Spencer to calm down enough to tell him anything. Everyone is asleep on the plane, it’s just the two of them at the back together when Spencer finally feels confident enough to say it.

“I lied to you, a long time ago… and it’s just the first one.”

Derek doesn’t look angry, “okay, explain your thought process. I need to know how this pretty brain of yours works.”

He smiles a bit, “I slept with Elle the night before she shot that rapist in Ohio.”

“You did not?” Derek's voice gets a little too loud and they stop to make sure no one woke up.

“I did, but you still always made jokes about finally getting me some lovin’ and it bothered me for a while and I never told you, instead I offered to help my neighbour with her homework if she pretended to date me,” his voice lowers as the words continue and he only stares at the table between them.

“Spencer, I’m sorry,” Derek apologizes first. “I didn’t know I was upsetting you, is there anything else I do that upsets you?”

He shakes his head in a silent no, still not looking at him, he can't.

“What happened between you and Y/N?” He jumps to the main issue, fine with what happened because he feels bad for causing the issue in the first place.

“We started sleeping together.”

Derek sighs, “you have such a big brain, you can remember everything she’s ever said to you and yet you can’t see that she’s in love with you.”

“She’s good at pretending,” he pushes it away.

“No she’s not, because she’s pretending she doesn’t love you right now; the same way you are and you’re both fucking it up for each other,” Derek gives it to him straight. “You have always been loveable, but you have a very hard time accepting it, Spencer.”

“Yeah,” he starts to cry a little more.

“Go home and talk to her and tell her the truth,” it’s the best advice he can give and Spencer knows it. “What’s the worst that can go wrong?”

“She does love me back but in a few years, she realizes I’m too much and she leaves me,” his voice is the saddest Derek has ever heard it.

He gets up from his seat and hugs Spencer, sliding into the seat beside him and wrapping his arms around him, “you have never been too much. You just surround yourself with people who aren’t good enough to love you for who you are.”

“She’s better than me.”

“Which is exactly what I mean, she’s not going to leave you, believe me, once you love Spencer Reid for who he really is, it’s hard to stop,” he speaks from experience, thinking of what could have been between them if either of them had tried harder in the past.

“She’s the love of my life,” he confirms, “I’m never going to love anyone else the way I love her.”

They get the word that they’re going to be landing soon, Spencer wipes his tears and buckles in for the descent, avoiding everyone’s stares and questions on the ride back to headquarters. He’s nervous to see her, he knows his face is puffy and she’ll be there waiting for him with Penelope, but he has to do it.

“Would you wait here, I need to tell her now and she might not give me a ride home if it doesn’t go well,” he asks Derek before heading to Penelope, “she was already mad at me for telling Hotch the truth.”

“Okay, sure,” Derek smiles, reaching out a hand for Spencer, “come to me when you need me next time, okay?”

“Okay,” he agrees with a small smile, heading out to find his fake girlfriend.

She’s not with Penelope, no she’s in the filing room with Anderson and the other temps all talking and laughing, and it sounds far too interesting to interrupt. He waits outside the door and smiles at her laughter until he hears it.

“So be honest,” Agent Camden asks, “are you sleeping with Reid for this job?”

“If I was sleeping my way to the top, don’t you think I would have picked Morgan? Or Prentiss even?” She laughs and it’s like someone stabs a knife through his heart.

He turns around and heads back to Derek, “take me home.”

“Okay,” he doesn’t pry, he just grabs his coat and keys and follows Spencer to the garage.

—

He’s really ignoring her.

She finds out from Emily that Spencer left with Derek, and that he looked rather pissed off when he asked for a ride. It breaks her heart a little and she doesn’t know what to do next, she just drives home and finds herself knocking on his door.

“Let me in, please, Spencer!” She begs from behind his door.

He opens it and looks at her with a puffy red face, tear-stained cheeks and swollen lips, he’s been crying for a while. “What?”

“What did I do?”

“You slept with me,” he whispers, “and I told you I wouldn’t react well.”

“Is it my fault you’re crying?” She asks softly and he nods, “do you want to tell me?”

He closes his eyes and shakes his head, “are we still going to the banquet together tomorrow?”

“I really fucked up,” is all he can muster, crying again as he closes the door and goes to cry in his room.

She just opens the door again and follows him inside. Kicking off her shoes she crawls into bed beside him and wraps herself around him, “you don’t have to tell me but I am here for you, always.”

“I love you,” he says it like it’s the problem before he rests his head in the crook of her neck and holds her back for the first time in days.

“I love you, too, Spencer,” she cries along with him. They cry until he’s asleep and she’s just there holding him in her jeans and she’s really uncomfortable but she loves him too much to let go.

“More than you will ever know.”

Permanent tag list:

@g0lden-cth @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @ssavanessa22 @spookyspence @shemarmooresfedora @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @blanchardsbk @idonotexiste @measure-in-pain @dreams-in-blxck @doc-padfoot @nomajdetective @xoxomgg @mggswhorificlover @dinonuggets1967 @meganskane @gubeskneescrew

New Romantics tag list:

@bunny-script @ficsrecsforhrnybitches @ne--yo-pets @rexorangecouny @valerieweasley @beepbooptoop @coldlilheart @andiebeaword @anonymous-reading

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid request #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #new romantics

385 notes · View notes

swimfuel · 3 years

Text

okay humanstuck thoughts under the cut

i owe a lot of this to @/rhythmic-idealist's kankri/vantasposting bc holy shit theyve got such a big brain (ill link to their individual posts when im on desktop since im using this to keep all my thoughts straight and i agree with most of what they say wholeheartedly)

general status quo stuff:

signless works in an extremely demanding career involving helping others (i'm leaning towards an attorney who works with organizations and does pro bono work), and is also extensively involved in social justice work outside of his job... he is very rarely home

he loves and cares for his children deeply and tries to express it whenever they're face to face, but the couch in his cramped and messy office has seen far too much use over the years for him to have been able to say it enough

his habits of working himself to the point of exhaustion are handily passed down to his kids btw

the kids had to grow up quickly because signless was out of the house so often and so consistently—kankri, who was already pretty high-strung, has to learn to take care of himself and karkat

they grow up near ms firuzeh maryam, who's their pseudoaunt/grandma (she took in a nine year old kavana vantas when she was about twenty), but they just call her ms rosa

they spent a lot of time in the maryam house growing up, with miss rosa's two nieces. porrim is a year older than kankri, while kanaya and karkat are the same age

kankri grows kinda sensitive to people trying to mother him since it rubs against the notion that he's the "adult of the house" and that he can take care of himself and karkat just fine

(and it also kinda underlines the fact that kankri has no idea what he's doing at the best of times)

and ironically enough, kankri becomes overbearing and naggy towards karkat in his own right, which forestalls them becoming close in any brotherly sort of way

they grow up really just... unable to communicate with one another clearly

karkat develops his ornery exterior in response to kankri's constant stream of opinions and frantic attempts at making up for the presence of a guardian in the house

i think there would actually be some really interesting parallels with rose in this au.. maybe i'm drawing from my own experiences as well but i think he'd begin to assume that every time his brother opens his mouth, he's going to criticize karkat

but instead of reacting like rose with the "making yourself more of a puzzle"/passive aggressive stuff, he gets a more defensive/hackles raised/"argue with you before you can argue with me" approach

and the thing is that they do love each other and would take a bullet for the other etc etc etc.. but they don't know how to express it because they've fallen into these shitty patterns

and it really doesn't help that kankri has grown somewhat resentful of signless over the years... that mix of resentment and fear and love gets more extreme and more polar every time signless gets injured during a political demonstration

i think kankri and signless would also be slightly closer than karkat and signless, as signless' job really only started to ramp up when karkat was less than years old and kankri was in his early double digits

kankri autistic btw its word of god (i am god)

karkat has a pet crab. its name is also karkat. he vents his frustrations to it.

i feel like the vantases exemplify both the best and worst parts of their aspects with one another as well... the strength of their bonds keeps them together and grounded, but TOO grounded. [insert Blood rant here]

the Blood rant:

i define Blood as bonds, responsibility, and the "core". if Life is the fertile soil and everything living on a planet's surface, then Blood is the gravitational core of the planet keeping everything together

i also think Blood, Heart, & Mind work in tandem to define a person just as blood serves to connect the pieces of the human body... Heart is the soul and the self, Mind is the application of one's self through active choices (agency), while Blood defines both the self and the choices one makes in greater detail [and, as an aside, Life provides the physical spark of life needed to keep the heart pumping blood]

OKAY wow that got tangential anyways

SO BASICALLY! too much Blood makes you stagnate, so for example:

kankri is split between staying home with karkat or going to college across the country and being truly unbound for the first time in years

another crisis of Blood: signless is caught between his empathy and responsibility to the whole world and his responsibility to his own children

okay so here's more status quo stuff:

the maryam and vantas kids grow up together and its hilarious because you'll see them all together and its just like (girlboss) (girlboss) (physical manlet) (emotional manlet)

the maryam girls are actually miss rosa's nieces but she took them in when they were both pretty young

the pyropes know the vantases well enough considering pyrope senior and sign have known one another from their respective legal practices for years, but they live on the other side of town

the leijons lived in town when kankri and meulin were very young, but they moved and travelled for a long time before coming back and reestablishing their roots

the captors (psii being one of sign's oldest and closest friends) move into town with the peixes family pretty early on though

the condesce is.. a horrible spouse and guardian, to put it plainly. she's very emotionally manipulative and isn't averse to smacking people around, including her own family. she moves herself and her perfect little family into town so she can properly oversee a new business venture close by

feferi is one of the best young swimmers in the country and has a pretty good shot of getting onto the olympic team.. a lot of this drive to be perfect and to be better results from the condesce's unrelenting pressure and thinly veiled resentment throughout her whole life

so yeah psii, )(ic, feferi, and sollux all live together and it's really not great for anyone involved. (meenah ran away years ago, and crashed on aranea's couch for a pretty long while—mituna moved out with latula for college before psii and the condesce got married)

it gets bad to the point of sollux staying with the maryams for two months while the adults try to sort out that absolute clusterfuck and get the divorce proceedings going (meenah finally convinces feferi to get out and come stay with her and aranea for the duration as well)

in terms of relationships i think latula and porrim were really really close in high school, and probably had some kind of unacknowledged thing going on for a while that never actually turned into anything because latula and mituna were going steady

kankri has had a crush on latula for years but never acted on it for similar reasons

meenah still carries a lot of that give no fucks attitude (it's developed moreso as a defense mechanism here) and can't understand why feferi refuses to leave the condesce with her

okay back to VANTAS MANPAIN i also think that karkat feels the weight of a lot of expectations on his shoulders as well

he feels responsible to live up to the example his dad and his brother set, even if it's to his own detriment—and kankri's oblivious rambling about his grades and his teachers and all his clubs certainly aren't helping the matter

kankri is one of those overinvolved kids taking a million AP's while simultaneously shitting on the collegeboard at every single step

hes this super overachiever anal retentive perfectionist type dude and (just as karkat preemptively criticizes others to forestall their criticisms of him only to harshly criticize himself) kankri subconsciously holds the people around him to the same expectations he holds for himself

so karkat also develops this sense of lacking which, in combination with everything else, culminates in self loathing and thinking he has to solve everyone else's problems and getting horribly mad at himself for every little mistake

GOD i have a lot more but lemme post this before i accidentally close out of the app and lose it all

more little details:

vriska's mom and terezi's mom HATE each other like HATE HATE HATE one another it's so bad

karkat wrote a ten page review of my immortal in middle school

jade is one of nepeta's best online friends

sollux can't raise one eyebrow at a time.. karkat gives him so much grief about it

the vantases eat a lot of shitty renditions of persian dishes until karkat learns to cook because literally the only person in the world with a CHANCE of getting KANKRI VANTAS to make an EDIBLE DISH is miss rosa

kanaya is really good at persian dance too but is VERY VERY embarassed to perform in front of people.. however porrim definitely is not

karkat has insomnia while kankri just stays up stupidly late for assignments that really shouldnt be taken that seriously.. but they both have the same rumination/sleep anxiety thing where your brain goes insane with horrible and depressing scenarios as you try to sleep

and more ideas that i thought were interesting but idk how to fit in the context of this au:

signless and disciple getting married pretty late in life after having been in love for years, the vantases move in with the leijons and karkat suddenly has two sisters

nepeta and karkat are both juniors at this point, meulin is probably in her third year at a local college nearby while kankri is about to start his second year at a university pretty far away

the kids in general honestly but ill figure it out

more random hcs this time with kids:

kanaya and rose get into a flame war online that gradually settles into elaborate courtship rituals

also nepeta + jade online besties

also bec can inexplicably still teleport

the first sbahj movie comes out and the next six months of dave strider junior's high school career are absolute hell

actually hc that dave senior goes by d strider professionally. the d stands for a lot of things

aradia and dave frequent a lot of the same forums but never end up really interacting

meanwhile karkat and john frequent a lot of the same forums and DEFINITELY end up interacting. this turns into grudging (at least on karkat's part) friendship after they find themselves fighting for their lives defending an objectively shitty movie together on the same thread

#humanstuck #vantas family #.

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atouchofgreen · 3 years

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Weed & Mental Health (adolescent)

Mom and Dad,

In the recent months I have experienced cognitive decline that I attribute to my use of weed cartridges. I started smoking weed cartridges when I was in my senior year of high school, and became addicted. I hated it but for some reason I couldn't stop I smoked daily. Although I took month long breaks often, I continued to smoke in college during my first 2 years. Towards the second semester of sophomore year, I used legal delta 8 carts instead of delta 9 carts. The only negative aspect of using up to my sophomore year was my lack of motivation and any minute cognitive changes went away following abstinence. I should have quit or asked for help. In high-school I asked for help by leaving my stash on the laundry machine and gave a singular puff to mom one time (she thought it was an e-cigg though). In highschool in my AP Chemistry class, I saw a kid at the end of class do a hit from a similar weed cart in front of his friends. It would have been so easy for him to get caught, he was standing up giggling with his back turned but the teacher was on the computer and didn't notice. I recognized then that this kid was so alone with his addiction that he did it in front of his friends at school out of pain and solidarity. He had an expressionless face most of the day and seemed distraught, I knew from the grapevine he smoked a lot. He was like me, addicted, and did a hit in school subconsciously screaming for help. After class I asked coach Jacobs his thoughts on using weed. He said, sitting on his computer desk chair with his hands behind his head, " I think after 25 half a joint does the same damage as having a martini, but before then its really bad for you physically, mentally, and your development as a human being. You should wait until after your brain is fully developed to try anything." I remembered this for the rest of my life. I didnt have the courage to directly ask for help but I needed it and should have asked anyone. I couldn't quit it although I should have had the courage to do so. I tried quitting many times but I was too far down the drain mentally. But now, I am scared for myself. I quit completely following moving jethin in because I was noticing cognitive decline in myself. It was terrible. One morning, I woke up and nothing entered my brain its like I was a zombie. That is why I quit. I hoped I would regain my functionality like before, but to no avail. My iq seems to have dropped 10 points at least. My short term memory has regressed so much that learning new information is difficult for me. Reading is harder and to recall something takes me much longer than before. I have a harder time making long term plans and imagining things. I had a hard time with understanding and expressing English as well though this has been improving. My mind is nothing like it was before. Now, my memory, pattern recognition, recall, imagination, has diminished to a much lower degree. I was fine last year and the year before that, my mental health and cognition were good, but recently it seems like a switch turned off for me. When I walk in the world I don't absorb information the same. I don't abstractify what I am seeing as easily, and my short term memory is really shot. Its like I'm just walking in the world blind deaf and dumb. I am scared I won't be able to pass my classes even though compared to highschool these classes are an absolute breeze relatively speaking to when my brain was sober. I can't do quick calculations anymore and I am acutely aware that my senses are just senses. Seeing touching hearing are just that, I can't calculate the same way i used to to create a coherent experience of what's going on around me. I don't have appreciation for life anymore. I am telling you all of this now because i have really experienced cognitive decline and I am extremely depressed, unhappy, and anxious. I am afraid that my prefrontal cortex and hippocampus is permanently damaged. Weirdly, I've had a dull ache in my head ever since I've quit, in the middle and front of my brain, that's been getting slightly better with time. The slight discomfort or pain is always there its terrible. It also gets better temporarily when I cry, meditate, or sleep for an extended period. I hope that after a few months this dull pain would subside and my mental capabilities would return. Even my dreams are less complex and have less emotion. All of this is what I talked to that therapist about. It's not like I am sad ALL of the time, but a lot of it. But I am pretty sure my mind will never be what it was before. I experienced life to its fullest extent while I was not using any drugs, and now that I've been sober for 2 months now and my mind is not returning close to what it was. I still feel like a zombie when exercising, and I develop a deep sense of sadness right after I work out because i recognize my short term memory and mental capability are weakened which makes it hard for me to make good memories and I get anxious about my future. I am pretty emotionless, even fear is hard for me to experience. When I am unhappy, at times I break out into a sob, but because my emotions have dulled probably from the weed, I only start to sob momentarily and then return to a face of stoicism. This makes it hard to achieve catharsis for my sadness and it gets bottled up inside. I don't really mind the mental health difficulties from quitting weed - that can pass over time with proper behavior - but it's the cognitive difficulties that makes me afraid. I am afraid that I will never be able to view the world the same way that I used to before weed. I am afraid that I won't be able to become a doctor unless my brain heals over time. I have read many studies about the use of marijuana during adolescents. Although there is conflicting research, my experience suggests the worst for me - that what I am experiencing may be permanent. I also read that smoking weed during adolescence can delay prefrontal cortex maturation, meaning I would never be able to absorb information and process it the same way ever again. If only I had read the dangers of early marijuana use earlier and understood I would have quit immediately. It is entirely my fault my life is like this now, I was too weak. Both of you have given me everything and helped me the most you could. Especially Dad. Dad, I feel so bad because you have lowered your expectations of me so much. If I hadn't started smoking, I know I would be a completely different person. Mom and Dad, I have been thinking about committing suicide for some time. I've been thinking about it at least once a day actually for a few months. Its not that I think life and the world is terrible and bad, I actually think the opposite. Before smoking I loved life and loved myself. I could feel the world like a thumping heartbeat or a quivering harp playing soulful music. I feel like killing myself because my current and future experiences will be inorganic. My brain structure/chemistry probably changed forever and I don't want to live with this brain anymore. I cant understand everything going on around me thus I can never understand the world the same way like I used to. I feel like i can't learn new things, everything I do now is because I am just accessing what I learned before starting to smoke weed and during freshman and sophomore year of college. My emotions have waned. I can't calculate complex things anymore and put it into context sufficiently. I can't move my body and think strongly at the same time. Right now, meditation and thinking about my long term memory is my only friend. My short term memory is shot which affects my learning and ability to make meaningful experiences or connections. It's like I have pseudodementia though not as bad. The only joy I get is accessing my long term memory and talking long walks in places and with people that used to bring me joy. I loved Turkey so much and the time we spent I go there in my head all of the time. I love Africa, I love India, I loved my friends at swimming and during highschool. But if that's all I am living for I don't know what the point is. I curse myself everyday for making the mistake of smoking weed or not quitting when I could have. I could've become a beautiful person had I continued developing normally. I am so sorry for being a bad son. I am so sorry that you came from India to America to have a child that fucked up like me. I am sorry for the stress this places on both of you. You both did nothing wrong in raising me, I just fucked up. I am sorry for how this may affect your work dad. And I am sorry for being a liability for the family. While I am drowning I don't want you both to drown with me. Maybe I can get a job somewhere or go into the military. At this point cognitively, unless my brain is capable of rewiring itself (maybe that's what the dull persistent ache is in my head) I don't think I can learn the information necessary to safefully treat patients. My therapist said it would take 3-4 months to a year to feel normal again but I don't know what I will do if I can't return to baseline. I used to live with such a thirst for life and understanding but if that doesn't return I feel like I am dragging life down and owe it to my memory of what life was before weed to take my own. Currently my plan is to wait a year and a few months before seriously thinking of committing suicide if I don't heal because the pain I am feeling is so immense. I want to live life FEELING everything organically regardless of what it is. Also my smarts are gone and that gave me tremendous joy. I know what life was like before using weed and I know how it should feel. But I cannot properly life, my sense of self, empathy, and life around me currently. I am walking around blind deaf and dumb I don't know if I want to live this way for the rest of my life. I would have loved to become a doctor.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to kill myself and I don't think I will have the balls to frankly but that saddens me even more if I can't feel or process what I am experiencing for the rest of my life. Life is too short to waste, any life really even if I'm dumber than what I used to be. I think of people who are paralyzed, people who have cancer, who have nobody left to care for them, people who are homeless and have physical ailments. They don't give up, but their minds are still natural. I am young and the only reason I am thinking of this is because I don't want to go the rest of my life with derealization of the world around me. I don't want to live the rest of my life blind deaf and dumb. No new experiences since the latter parts of my weed addiction have given me any meaning in life compared to what I had learned before smoking weed. I am grateful I got to experience and learn the meaning of life from my perspective and others when I was younger, thank you for that. I love you both so much. I am sorry and don't worry I am not going to kill myself its just that I am angry with myself, angry with my cognitive decline, and angry that I can't experience what life ought to be currently. I am hoping for better in the future though. I just thought you should know.

Love, Your son

Before Weed:

I am telling you this because I am scared for myself although it may be too late. Before I tell you what I've been going through, I want to tell you about my life experience up until junior year of highschool. Although I wasn't exactly extremely smart from your perspectives, I was acutely aware of my surroundings. In school I was more focused on how things were organized and what every single person in the room was thinking and what their plans were rather then what they were teaching. It's like my brain was calculating 20 things at once and i was living existentially all the time. I was incredibly happy just to be alive. I could recall the exact positions of people and things around me, what I was thinking, and the sutle muscle movements of people over a reasonable amount of time. I used to know what people were going to say before they said them, and know someone's personality outlook on life, habits mentality etc. just by watching for 10 seconds to an incredible degree of accuracy. The longer a person was in my focus I learned more about them exponentially. I could learn things very well and had a memory based on the things that I was focused on that was so precise and better than almost everyone I had ever met. People in high school who knew me well knew this and would be shocked how i could know things about them. Some things like sexuality and gender insecurities, presence of autism/ Asperger's as a child, family life back home, and who liked who, I could tell about people after observing them for a little. I had respect from people at school and some teachers because they knew what I could learn about a situation or people just by being in the same room. I could learn new words in the blink of an eye if I heard it just once, I was constantly calculating. With dad, I could not learn what he tried to teach me though just because I was so scared of him that my focus wasn't there and panic was always set in I was scared to be beat frankly (i wasn't scared of the pain but just scared what it meant which was hard for me to fully realize because I would slightly repress the memories and I don't like to do that). But it's from him I learned how to analyze people and the world. But he is one of the only people I've ever met where I could not track his mind to a satisfying degree. For most people I would now what they were thinking, what they were incubating in the back of their head, and their current plan of action in a glance by looking at the eyes and body. I could not do this with dad because his mind is faster than mine it was too hard to keep up. He has mind palaces that are so structured and he can jump around his mind so easily I couldn't keep up with the mind palaces he created and how he navigates them. It was harder for me to do this with people who had a very high iq but I would practice everyday and would cherish analyzing introverts for practice. I walked on a street with a hundred people I would make an observation about each of them and could later recall exactly what I saw and what I was thinking. My kinesthetic sense was very good so physical distances was easy for me to calculate and remember. I truly believed that before starting weed I would become a doctor because all my strengths coincided with it. This ability, although most ppl might be able to do it, peaked for me right before starting weed. I was very much in tune with spirituality and enjoyed reading storybooks, meditation, and socializing. I was never focused on myself but what was around me, I kept my thoughts and feelings in a box in my mind to help me learn as I recorded what others were doing and thinking. I had balls - I asked out girls in highschool, and honestly wasn't afraid of much because both of you enabled me to experience life by taking me everywhere.

#weedsmokers #stoned weed #weed addict #legal weed

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #340

“wash the poison from off my skin / show me how to be whole again”

What is one thing that you took to show and tell as a kid? I have this oddly specific memory of bringing my little Snorlax plushie for one in pre-k. I remember thinking everyone thought I was weird for liking Pokemon as a girl. Do you remember losing your first tooth? I don't. Have you ever been addicted to a game? What game? I think I was addicted to World of Warcraft at a point, but it's honestly hard to tell. My depression was just so abysmal that it was the one thing I got even a smidge of not even joy, but active distraction out of because the options of what you can do in the game are essentially limitless. Are you afraid to pop a balloon? Not really, but it does make me jump because I don't like loud noises. Name one person you’d like to see this month. Bitch we fighting Covid, stay away from me. When was the last time you laughed when you shouldn’t have? I don’t know. Which was better: the first The Lion King or the second? They're nearly tied, honestly, but I prefer the original. Do any of your grandparents have a tattoo? I KNOW my maternal grandmother didn't, and I don't believe any other grandparent did, either. When was the last time you had a bubble bath? Not since I was a kid. What do you usually buy when you go to the corner store? You mean like, a gas station or dollar store? Something small like that? In that case, I'll usually look for a Mountain Dew Voltage sometimes along with something Reese's-related. Do you believe that your pets feel love towards you? My cat, absofuckinglutely. He so obviously loves me. I know my snake doesn't though, considering reptilian brains just physically aren't capable of creating that emotion. She does, however, obviously trust me and definitely seems to enjoy coming out of her terrarium and thus hanging out by me. Bubbles or sidewalk chalk? I loved drawing with chalk, but I like bubbles more. I just love how they catch light and have such beautiful colors to share. What do you use to tell time when your gone out somewhere? My phone. Are you proud of your body? FUCK no. I wish I still was, goddammit. I used to be so fit, and it's funny, because even back then at like, 118 lbs at 5'4'', I thought I was kinda chubby. Like bitch shut the fuck up. Watermelon or cherries? I honestly don't like either, but I'll definitely pick watermelon over cherries. They're disgusting. What is your all-time favourite song? "False Flags" by Massive Attack. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Biiiiiitch guess lmao. I think everyone has, though. What is the band you’ve listened to most lately? Definitely 3TEETH. Love 'em. Favourite brand of cookies? Hm, good question. They've gotta be good at making SOFT chocolate chip cookies, though. I don't enjoy crunchy cookies nearly as much. If you could meet anyone who lived before your time, who would it be? I don't really know. Oh, y'know, chatting with Edgar Allan Poe would probably be cool. Do you pay for your own things? I literally can't. It's embarrassing. Have you ever been rushed to the hospital in an ambulance? No. What is one thing you’d never want your parents to find out? Certain sexual things I've done, probably. When you were little, did you like Dr. Suess books? Of course. Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship? I felt that way in my friendship with Colleen, but no romantic relationships. What would you consider unforgivable? Rape. Like no, go to hell. Do you like eating out at restaurants? Pre-Covid, yeah. What do you dislike the most about being the gender that you are? Probably how heavily judged women are for having ANYTHING "wrong" with their appearance. You could be five pounds over what is "normal" for your height and you're seen as fat. One strand of body hair, and you're disgusting. Bushy eyebrows, you're now manly. I could go on and on. Do you think that weed/marijuana should be legalized? Yes. Rate your typing speed on a scale from 1 - 10? 10. Do you enjoy tanning? Ugh, no. Just sitting there doing nothing but sweating. Have you ever written anybody an anonymous note? I have not. What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Ketchup. Have you ever laid in a hammock? Yeah; we used to have one. It was the best when we lived in the woods. Do you blow dry your hair or do you let it air out? I just let it air dry. Candles or incense? I prefer incense. Can you juggle? No. Your favorite vegetable? Broccoli. Do you catch lizards? No; I don't like terrifying wildlife. I'd much rather just take pictures of the little guys and let them go about their business. If we returned to a world without internet, what aspect of online life would you miss the most? YouTube, haha. It's more unique and personal entertainment than television, imo. Are you craving anything aside from food, and if so, what? I want a new piercinggggg. What was the last change you made to your lifestyle? I'm *trying* to get back into regularly making art, along with reading. I'm also really trying to implement drinking more water into my day. What was the last thing you gave up doing? *shrug* What was the last thing to boost your self-esteem? What sort of things typically make you feel good about yourself? It really, really helped to hear my PHP group enjoy my poem about gay rights so much. I was so terrified and did NOT want my therapist to share it, but it turned out being very beneficial. To answer the second question, it's pretty much stuff like I just mentioned: positive reactions to things I create. When it comes to food, do you prefer crunchy or softer textures? Definitely softer. Do you prefer savory or sweet things for breakfast? Hm. Depends on the day, ig. What is something small that you take extremely personally? I'm blanking. What was going on the last time you couldn’t sleep? I just... couldn't sleep. That's not rare for me. Have you drawn anything recently? I recently drew a picture of a still from Rammstein's "Mutter" music video, and I'm now working on Sara's 'kat Alucard. If you're going somewhere close by, do you walk? No. One simply does not walk in this town and not fear being shot. Do you prefer colorful notebooks over plain ones? I like colorful ones, particularly those with a nice pattern or something on it. What's your most ambitious goal? I'd consider wanting to be a successful freelance photographer to be rather ambitious. Do you know anyone named Alex? Well, knew, by this point. One of my closest online friends that just got a boyfriend and fell off the face of the planet when we used to talk every day. I'm still hurt about it, honestly. What's your favorite kind of pie? I don't like pie because of the crust being so, well... crusty and crumbly. Have you ever chatted someone up and scored a date? No. How far would you go with someone you just met? Not very far at all. All you're getting is a hug, if even that. What's your favorite meal to have for dinner? I mean, it depends on what I feel like having. I don't have a set favorite meal. What do you daydream about? The future, mostly. People I miss. Have you ever known someone online and then met them in person? If so, which website did you meet on? Yes, Sara. <3 We met via YouTube back when it had much more social connection. Have you ever been to the beach? Yeah, a good number of times. When was the last time you were sick and what illness did you have? I don't believe I've been ill in any sort of way since I had that ungodly ear infection a few years ago. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? Yeah, Colleen's house. Mom once tried kicking me out of the car one night otw home, but I didn't listen. Have you ever intentionally trolled? No. How many siblings do your parents have? Mom has two brothers and I think one sister, and Dad has one sister. Who last held your hand? My niece or nephew, dragging me somewhere, haha. Have you seen all the Lord of the Rings movies? No, not interested. What was the last thing you watched on YouTube? I'm watching John Wolfe's playthrough of Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs. It's so funny how like... every let's player I watch doesn't enjoy the game, like they miss the incredible symbolism and shy away from the advanced language, and sometimes it's just frustrating to watch them; I only do because I enjoy the game and want to see more people experience it and relive it vicariously. It's very high on my list of favorite games. What sport do you find yourself best at? I wouldn't know; I haven't played any sports in years. I was pretty good at softball as a kid, though. Do you think makeup on guys is freaky or sexy? My opinion shouldn't matter; a man can wear makeup whenever he damn well pleases without worrying what others think. But anyway, I tend to find it attractive, especially if it's goth makeup. Have you ever been accused of a crime you did not commit? No. Do you like pickles? I love dill pickles. What was the craziest moment of your life? Probably just lying in that hospital bed following my OD, my mom and two best friends just sitting there with me. It was such a weird, weird feeling. Like I was just so done, frustrated beyond what I can say. I remember thinking it was almost funny, just how it all built up and went wrong. Where do you spend most of your time? In my room on my bed. What is your favorite muffin? Chocolate chip. Would you ever get a boob job? I already know when/if I lose the weight I want to, it will be kind of a big deal to me and my atrocious body image to get a breast lift. Being overweight ~does things~ you know, and god knows I want every trace of it that can be erased gone. Would you ever go on a reality TV dating show? That's a massive "no" from me, buddy. Would you rather be inside or outside? It depends on where I am and the temperature outside, but generally, inside. Do you like the current president? Well, I voted for him, so I can't shit-talk much. I don't know the true depths of him as a person and all he stands for, though; when I decided I needed to vote, I just did some research on his core values. I don't have any complaints yet, from what I've seen at least, which isn't a lot. Do you whiten your teeth? I've used whitening strips before, but I don't now because they're not that effective. If it's financially plausible at some point in my life, teeth whitening is another thing I want to have medically done because of my previous horrible self-care. My teeth have a clear yellow tint and I hate it. Do you get cold easily? No; it's actually the opposite: I get hot easily. What was the worst sickness you ever had? Probably this one stomach bug I had where I just threw up relentlessly. Like eventually barely even bile would come up; it was just dry heaving. My stomach muscles were in agony. Was your childhood wasted by something? No, thankfully. Would you rather die during an adventure or die like a normal person? A normal person. The idea of having such a sudden death stresses me out for multiple reasons; I mostly don't want my family to just be suddenly devastated, and I honestly want to come to peace with the fact I was dying. Like, find my life's own closure instead of just having it ripped away. Have your parents ever tried to commit suicide? Jesus, I sure hope not. Do you have a gag reflex? A very strong one. Do you ever fantasize about trying drugs? I've wondered before what the effects of weed would be like for me, but "fantasize" is definitely the wrong word. Would you rather have sex before you’re married or wait till marriage? It'd be up to my partner, honestly, because I'm fine with either. What is the nastiest dare you have ever committed? I never did dares because I thought they were stupid. Like I'm not gonna do dumb shit just to show you I can. Do you know anyone who has been raped? I think I might? Have you ever asked someone for a tampon? Yeah. Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? No. Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer. Do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds. Headphones are just big and clunky and in the way when you use a laptop in bed, plus they irritate my skin. I like how earbuds actually go in your ears for more direct hearing. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? If I wanted children, no, because I don't think I'm capable to give a child like that adequate care, being so mentally ill myself. I wouldn't want to risk worsening their condition. Favorite thing to do with a significant other? Play games together, particularly cute multiplayer ones that are more about the experience of playing together versus getting past difficult obstacles and such. Like for example, one of my favorite memories with Jason is simply playing Little Big Planet together. Favorite ice cream topping? I don't like many toppings on my ice cream, but I do love melted hot fudge. First boyfriend/girlfriend’s name? Aaron. Do you support PETA? Considering they are incredibly self-righteous extremists, no. Do you believe in the Big Bang Theory? Well, I believe in some sort of "god" figure that created the universe, so I don't think so. A condensed ball of nothing exploding to create something so extravagant? It sounds pretty far-fetched to me. But then again, maybe that semblance of a "god" I believe in created the universe through that, idk. It doesn't really matter now, though, does it. What happened happened, I'm not very concerned with it. What insect can you not stand the site of? It's more so larvae that I can't stand the sight of, like maggots and stuff. They make me squirm. Do you like Doctor Who? I've only seen one or two episodes, so I can't say. Do you approve of gay marriage? Of course I do. I'm bisexual and would like to get married, so I might marry a woman. Are you into politics? I'm really not. Do you think the world is ending soon? Nah, even though it sure does feel like it sometimes. Ever been to a mosh pit? No, they don't seem very fun at all. Do you like to debate? NO. NO NO NO. Do you like the band System of a Down? Yeah, I do. Are you German? It's a big part of my heritage. Do your parents like your best friend? Yes. Who’s someone you can act your complete self around? Sara, 100%. She's the only person I feel entirely comfortable around when it comes to being myself. Do you believe in Friday the 13th? I don't believe in there being any supernatural power to it, no. Who is your favorite rapper? Eminem. What age is your youngest aunt? Uhhhh I have no idea. Do you like bowling? Sure, it's fun. Do you like roasting marshmallows on a bonfire? I do. What shows or characters scared you as a child? Ghostface from the Scream series was my worst fucking nightmare. I couldn't even see pictures of him without crying. The King Ramses guy from Courage the Cowardly Dog also gave me a number of nightmares. Something about the way he was animated was very unnatural and unnerving to me.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''castle of glass'' by linkin park

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mimzy-writing-online · 5 years

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Mourning My Vision- It’s more than depression...

Writing a post at 2 am when I’m absolutely exhausted and starting to lose it? Yeah, okay. This blog isn’t called The Late Night Writing Advice blog for nothing.

Okay, it’s 2 am and there’s something I want to talk to you guys about.

So my blog is known (I think?) as that one writing advice blog run by the visually impaired/blind person who makes posts on how to write blind characters. Those are my most popular posts. But I don’t talk as much about my personal experiences with blindness. So, here’s some of that.

I talk about the mourning period some people go through when they suddenly have a new disability, mourning the life they had before the disability and all the things they could do before but can’t do now.

For a lot of people that mourning period is depression. But saying that depression is the only form of a mourning period is a disservice and it actually hurt me in the long run to believe that.

The mourning period can take many forms, and a lot of it depends on how you got the disability, where you are in your life currently, and what your mental state was like before the disability.

Some forms are: PTSD, Anxiety, physical health issues such as fatigue, insomnia, oversleeping, anger, denial, emotional suppression followed by outbursts or emotional breakdowns. That’s off the top of my sleep deprived mind at least.

My personal experience of the mourning period was developing (redeveloping?) an anxiety disorder.

This is going to get long, but please keep reading. It’s important.

I had (and still would have had even if I never went blind) at least some anxiety. I thought it was social anxiety, but I would say it was more generalized anxiety, it’s just that the social aspect was what I was most concerned with when I got my diagnosis at age fifteen.

Uh, mental health history? I’ve had lifelong insomnia and anxiety and have struggled off and on with depression. I also might have had some PTSD in the past, though it was never diagnosed. I also have ADHD but I didn’t know that or get diagnosed until this past year, 2019.

I started noticeably going blind at the age of 22. I’d always needed glasses, but I was never (in italics) blind. Glasses always corrected to 20/20 until I was 22. I would like to mention that I started showing symptoms of vision issues at the age of 20, and at the time they were of some concern but I didn’t realize how concerning they were until I turned 22.

At age 22 I started getting shuffled around doctors office after doctors office. I wanted a diagnosis and to know if I would lose more vision. My mom wanted to help fix me. I did not want to be fixed. I’m not sure exactly why, but I didn’t want to be fixed. I was fine with it. At least, I thought I was.

Truth be told, I needed a cane when I was 20/21. I’m day blind and it began putting me in danger when I was 20/21, and I would need a sighted guide (usually my best friend) during the day time.

A quick note on day blindness: In situations with bright lighting, mostly outside during the day, as the name suggests, I am at my most blind. My eyes just don’t know how to process light. They take in too much light. Don’t know why. But image it’s like a camera and if it takes in too much light and becomes over exposed, the photograph becomes distorted and almost white. Literally take a photo of outside and use a photo editing app to turn the exposure as high up as possible. That’s me. Try navigating in that. Also bright light causes me awful, intense, never ending pain. I have to wear sunglasses outside to minimize the pain. The darker the better, but even the darkest lenses don’t completely take away the pain.

Back on topic-

And at 22, with enough vision loss, I decided it was “okay” for me to get a cane. I’d needed it for two years, but I waited because medically and legally I couldn’t be considered visually impaired, let alone legally blind, even though I had a whole section of the day, literally half the day every day, where I could expect to be 50-90% completely blind with white vision the second I stepped outside.

Which is why I get so pissy at the idea of “legal blindness” and letting sighted people determine what is blind and not blind and who gets aide and who doesn’t.

I wanted to get a cane. My mom said no. I was giving into my blindness too early. We could still get a doctor to solve all my problems. There had to be some surgery (which terrified me) to make me see normally again. But I didn’t think a doctor could cure what was wrong with me, and I was still terrified to go anywhere alone.

School was some kind of hell that year.

Seven months after doctors noticed I couldn’t see 20/20 with correction anymore, when I was starting to see 20/50 with best correction, I had an accident.

I was walking through a parking lot at two in the afternoon. It was October. It was bright out because I live in Southern California. I was following a friend. My whole method of travel was to walk one step behind and one step to the left or right of whoever I was with and stare at the ground hoping I could see their shoes and to listen for anything important. Not safe. Very bad.

And the world went blank.

I couldn’t see a thing.

I knew where I was. There was a building in front of me and I knew that as soon as I was in it’s shadow I would see more.

But the curb came before the shadow and I tripped.

I fell without seeing where I was falling.

It was terrifying.

I was fine. Ish. Fine-ish. My knees were both bloody and swollen for a week. I had scars from that for eight months. My palms were scraped to hell. I was limping. Nobody saw the blood because I was wearing pants and I still started bleeding at my knees.

I went home less than an hour later. Saw my bloody knees and marched to my mom and demanded I get a cane.

She had already just had a panic attack. I didn’t know that. I don’t know what caused it, but it was good timing because for once she didn’t fight it. I ordered my cane. And two weeks after I ordered it, it finally came. And that first day I noticed that having it made me feel safer. I knew that (finally) I wasn’t completely helpless, at the mercy of whoever was with me and whatever circumstances I was in. I had a bit of safety to help me find all the things I couldn’t see but could get hurt on. Like curbs.

It’s been two years, to the day I think, since I got it. I had just gotten it before Halloween and was still getting used to it and how differently people treated me on Halloween night. Halloween in 2017, and now it’s the 28th of October in 2019 as I’m writing this.

So, what happened to me was I was waiting for the mourning period to be a period of depression.

But instead it was anxiety, and possibly PTSD.

Leaving my house was terrifying. Any time I was out in public I was hyper vigilant of everything happening around me, especially if I couldn’t see it. Loud and sudden sounds made me jump. I would tense up. I couldn’t think. Sometimes headphones was my only way to calm down.

That was my mourning period. But I didn’t understand that until a few months ago when I was writing a chapter from Ulric’s perspective (Ulric is my blind character in A Witch’s Memory, a novel I’m currently editing). In the chapter I was writing about the mourning period and how he experienced it. Depression would be very in character for him. And he already has PTSD and anxiety too.

But then I realized my anxiety disorder (generalized anxiety disorder) was my mourning period.

Actually, a lot of my experience with vision loss snuck into that story. Including Ulric fighting to get his parents to accept that he was blind and that he didn’t want to be cured because the cure had its own cost. And his fight to get his cane and orientation and mobility training.

That was my mourning period. I wish at the time I knew depression wasn’t the only sign of it. It might have led to me getting therapy or treatment earlier. But it’s too late to change that.

Maybe reading this will help someone else.

It’s getting late. I’m going to reread this and check for spelling errors, and then I’m going to post it before I chicken out. Goodnight.

#actually blind #writeblr #blindness #writing community #my post #mine #mental health #anxiety #ptsd #mental health tw #ptsd tw #anxiety tw #blood tw #blood mention #personal experience #okay to reblog #please reblog #blind character #blind writer

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saiilorstars · 4 years

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Rise Up

Ch.3: Lonesome Rogues

Previous Story: It Had To Be You || Current Masterlist

Pairings: Barry Allen x Female OC

Chapter Summary: The Snarts have made their way back to STAR Labs only this time they're in need of help.

Pronunciation of OC: Bell-en. The last syllable has an emphasis so it’s not pronounced like ‘Helen’ would be.

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother @anotherunreadblog

Maritza Palayta knew by now not to expect many visits for her, from anyone. She counted herself lucky if Belén decided to stop by once a month. Having her mother sitting in front of her now was something beyond shocking.

"Mom?" the word tumbled from Maritza's mouth before she could even finished thinking.

Veronica stood on the other side of the glass, her facial features not as readable as they once were. She didn't know what to make of her eldest daughter now. She'd been there for Maritza's sentencing, head held high but nothing but disapproving of Maritza. Never in Veronica's mind did she ever consider her daughter becoming a metahuman and much less a criminal.

"I didn't expect you to visit me..." Maritza said after a minute of awkward silence. "At all."

"Should I?" Veronica's tone was cold, but Maritza knew she deserved it. In her mother's perspective, she ruined their reputation in the police department both in Central City and in Starling City.

"I don't know," Maritza answered honestly. "I don't let Axel visit, and I'm lucky if Belén decides to give me the time of day, so...to what do I owe this visit?"

Veronica closed her eyes, sighing. "If you haven't seen Belén already, I think you know what my situation is right now..."

"Ah," Maritza slightly raised her head. "Are you still bothering Belén about my son's custody? You know I left instructions, written out legally, of who I wanted to look after my son, right?"

"Maritza, we both know that Belén is neither ready nor has the means to sustain herself and a child," Veronica remained adamant in that aspect. She viewed this as logically as she could and it was the simple truth. On her own, Belén was able to pay for herself and do her own things, but having a child was something completely life-changing. "You and I, we had our children at a decent age. At a time where we were physically, emotionally and economically ready to care for a child."

"Well, one of us was," Maritza corrected coldly. "Because I may have gone down the wrong path, killed people, but I was always there for my son no matter what. Can you say the same? Where the hell were you?"

"I accept my faults," Veronica lowered her gaze, surprising Maritza for a second there. She'd never won a small disagreement like that, ever. "And after seeing how each of my children have ended up...I realize I should've been there more. It's why I want to try and get close to Belén."

"Your words are nice but your actions say something else," Maritza sighed. "You want Belén, fine, but on your terms and that's not going to work, Mom. And that's the problem. Mom, I love you, I really do. In your own way I know you love us back but you are making the biggest mistake of your life. You lost Dad, Rayan, me...do you really want to lose Belén too?" Maritza so desired for her mother to see the errors she was making. She would want nothing more than the last remaining family of hers to be together.

Veronica swallowed hard and looked down. "I am trying-"

"No, you're fighting," Maritza corrected her softly. "Mom-" she laughed softly, "-stop fighting and help Belén instead. You think it doesn't kill me to know she's struggling because she has to raise my son? I wish nothing more than to change what I did, but I can't. But you...you still have a chance to mend your errors. You want to have a relationship with Belén? Prove to her that you are committed to seeing her perspective for once."

Maritza hoped her mother would heed her words because she was sure if Veronica kept going forth with her plan, Belén would never forgive her.

~ 0 ~

"So my mother has filed for custody of Axel," Belén sighed as she explained to Barry. The two were sitting on the steps of her front porch. Little by little, they had scooted closer to each other. "Like, she actually filed for it. I thought she was angry and bluffing but she wasn't. And you know she did it because I said 'no' to going back with her to Star City."

Barry was honestly shocked to hear what Veronica did. He never had the pleasure of meeting her and actually talking with her in a full conversation, but this was enough to put her on his bad list. "I'm so sorry Belén..."

Belén sighed and glanced at him with a sad smile. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to spread my depressive news to you."

Barry smiled back for a moment before assuring her everything was fine. He'd come by with the intention of asking her to lunch since they still hadn't had the chance of going on a date since their break up. But as soon as he'd taken a look at her face - which was after asking her to lunch - he saw something was wrong. And boy was he right.

He took her hand and gave it a gentle kiss. "We'll figure something out, Bells."

"C'mon. I'm 26 I don't know the first clue about being a pseudo-mother to a four year old. I'm selling my childhood house to keep up with bills. Maybe, on some level, my mom's right to file for custody..."

"You're doing everything you can, and you know what? If your mother is truly concerned then maybe she could help instead of doing...this!" Barry couldn't help the anger lacing his words the more he thought about Veronica's actions. "If she wants to fight, then let's make sure our fight is a damn good one."

Belén was smiling softly, and he had no idea why. The way he'd automatically joined her side with 'our fight' made her feel...warm. She missed that. A lot. "I'm glad you're around again."

The smile that came to Barry's face was automatic. His hand gripped hers and there was a moment where he thought he couldn't ever let go of her hand. "So am I."

"And...I'm sorry about the whole...date thing...I'm-"

"-I get it Bells," Barry reassured her again. "We can go another time."

"Are you sure?" Belén asked, still mighty guilty. It'd been some time since they technically were trying to be together again and it was rather hard to do when there were no dates involved.

"Yes! C'mon," Barry stood up and, with his hand still holding hers, made her get up as well. "Let's go to STAR Labs. Cisco might be done with the breach search, remember? Portals into another world might be something fun to see, you know..."

Belén dramatically sighed. "For nerds, I guess." Barry deadpanned her until she laughed. "Alright, let's go see this breach thing. I need to pick up Axel anyways."

~0~

Indeed Cisco had finished with the breach search and found quite more than he would've thought. Down in the basement of STAR Labs gathered the group save for Stein, Iris and Joe to look at the biggest breach of them all...which turned out to be out of 53 in the entire city. It resembled a blue, moving blob suspended in air over a small platform.

"Pretty amazing, isn't it?" Cisco couldn't stop looking at the breach.

"It looks like a blob," Belén crinkled her nose. Cisco immediately shot her a look of offence for diminishing the breach's worth.

"Still can't believe what I'm looking at," Jay admitted.

"52 breaches in Central City, and the biggest one just happens to be in our basement," Caitlin remarked, totally unsurprised by the turn of events.

"We need a name for it," Cisco popped a finger in the air.

"It's not a pet, dude," Barry's words meant nothing for Cisco who was already on a brainstorming path.

"No," professor Stein walked in carrying a squared monitor hanging on a strap, "It's a wormhole."

Caitlin immediately turned for the man. "Professor Stein, what are you doing? Your blood pressure is 147 over 82! You could pass out again."

Stein didn't look the least bit worried over his condition despite the fact he had collapsed a few days ago while giving the group a lecture. "Oh, it's merely a few points above the 140 average for someone my age. Besides, I have some ideas I would like to contribute to this discussion, Dr. Snow."

"And I want to hear them. This isn't just a wormhole. It's my way home," Jay reminded them all. "Back to Earth Two."

"Jay, you really think that we can use this as some kind of bridge from your world to ours?" asked Barry.

"Zoom uses the breaches. Why can't we?"

"We don't know how. Everything I put through just bounces back," Cisco sighed.

Axel, who had been left sitting at a nearby desk looked up from his drawings he was working on. "Can we throw more things!?" he excitedly asked.

Not even waiting for the answer, he grabbed his crayon box and hopped off his chair to run for the breach. He and Cisco had taken turns throwing things into the breach earlier to see if they would come back and he was mighty disappointed when Caitlin came in to tell them not to do it anymore. He liked seeing everything they threw be bounced back at them.

"Cisco!" Belén exclaimed as the boy made a beeline for the breach, his arm already raised to throw the crayon box.

"Got him!" Cisco snagged Axel of his feet as he passed by him.

"Aw," Axel frowned. Everyone laughed at the young boy.

"I can't believe you," Belén shook her head at Cisco for yet again teaching something wrong to her nephew.

"If Zoom's using these breaches to transport people from Earth Two, maybe it takes a speedster," Barry suddenly theorized and gave a smirk.

"Barry don't-" Belén didn't get to finish when he sped out of the room. "He wouldn't…" she dared to think that Barry wouldn't be that impulsive.

But...Jay knew better. "Yeah, he is," he answered with eyes shut.

A second later, Barry sped into the room straight for the breach only to be thrown backwards. He landed in a small roll on the floor and groaned. "Maybe I'm not fast enough."

This time it was only Axel who burst into laughter. "Boom! Barry went boom!"

"Yeah!" Cisco gave him a high-five, missing Barry throwing them a mini-glare as he got back on his feet.

"I don't believe your speed is the entirety of the issue, Barry. It might be the breach's stability or lack thereof," Stein hypothesized more correctly.

"He's right," Jay nodded. "We need to think of the breach as a door, and on Earth Two, there's another door. In between, we have a hallway, but the hallway's constantly shifting, twisting, collapsing upon itself. And the doors keep moving with it."

"So we stabilize the door, we stabilize the hallway," Cisco understood the idea.

"And then I can jump through it," Barry beamed.

"Exactly, it would serve as a kind of cannon," Jay smiled but no one like Cisco.

"A speed cannon. Mm. We should hang out more," Cisco pointed at him, making the others laugh.

"Alright," Stein cut into the laughter. "No more tests today. All of you are leaving now, as am I. Cherish the gift of youth as I will go cherish my much needed nap." He motioned the entire group to get going. "Clarissa's already on her way to pick me up. Why not go get some coffee?"

"That is a fantastic idea!" Cisco agreed, already rubbing his hands together at the thought of some sweet coffee. "Jitters anyone?"

"You paying?" Belén teased.

"Can I get some chocolate milk?" Axel rushed up to Belén with his own hands put together. When Belén saw that she sighed do deeply.

"You have got to stop spending so much time with Cisco, buddy."

The others snickered while Cisco let out a mighty offended gasp with a hand over his chest.

~0~

Iris joined the group for some midday coffee and was excited to hear about the breach discovery, though not so much after she learned there 53 in their city. While Barry went to get their coffee, the others remained at the table chatting. Belén, however, was pulled away from the conversation when her phone started ringing. Seeing it was her mother calling, she dumped her phone into her purse and decided to go help Barry bring back their drinks.

"Need some help?" she asked him.

"Still waiting," Barry motioned to the barista running behind the counter. "You okay?" he noticed her anxious expression.

"Yeah," she said a bit too fast to be convincing. "Mom's calling and all."

"And you're not going to answer?"

"Not if I don't trust myself not to shout."

Barry thought that was fair enough. He pressed a kiss to her temple and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, bringing her closer to him. Belén smiled to herself and got to thinking about the fact they hadn't really kissed either.

What kind of getting-back-together is this? Belén wondered if Barry had thought about it too. If he had, then he was being really good about it.

"Order 20!" A barista slid a coffee on the counter then hurried to continue with other orders.

A blonde woman leaned on the couple's side to reach for her drink then offered a shy smile at them once they could see her clearly. Only a couple days were needed to learn that Patty Spivot was a shy woman.

"Hey guys," she greeted with a wave of her free hand. She seemed far more cheery than when they first met her (separately). It stemmed from the fact she was finally on the metahuman task force at the precinct.

"Hey, Patty," Barry greeted. He looked down at Belén and realized he never introduced them, not that they didn't know each other already. "Oh, this is-"

Belén chuckled and lowered his gesturing hand before he could finish. "We already know each other, don't we?" she looked at Patty who laughed as well.

"Yeah, she's the one that gave me the advice to continue hassling Joe for a spot on the task force."

"I've been meaning to congratulate you, actually," Belén said. "Barry told me Joe let you in. I'm sure you'll be great."

Patty sheepishly smiling. "I'm hoping." Her smile sort of faltered when she noticed Belén's injured arm was...no longer injured. "Sorry, um...how's your arm?"

"Hm?" Belén quickly looked at her perfect arms. Her metahuman abilities kicked in and aided her in healing quicker than a normal human.

"Oh, um, it's fine. It's still a little sore but since the bullet didn't actually hit my arm it healed quicker," Belén cleared her throat and looked at the counter that was being filled with their drinks. Patty seemed to buy it since she gave an 'oh' and smiled about it.

As Barry tried gathering all of the, together, Belén laughed and decided to help. "Bells, it's hot," he said and then motioned to her hands.

"Oh shut up," she playfully rolled her eyes and took at two cups. She glanced back at Patty who was taking a sip of her coffee. "Do you want to have some coffee with us?"

Patty's eyes snapped back to the two. "Hm? Oh, no thanks," she shook her head. "I was stopping here on my way to work. Another day? I owe you for your help."

"Sure," Belén beamed at the idea.

"Great," Patty stepped aside to let the two get on with their coffee.

"C'mon," Belén led Barry away. "I like her."

"I do too. She's lively and she knows her way around a crime scene," Barry said, missing Belén's sarcastic glance.

"Hmm, young, pretty, blonde and a nerd? Should I be worried?"

"Wh-what!?" At that point he nearly did dropped the cups in his hands. "I-I no! That's...that's not at all what I meant, Bells!"

Belén laughed as they approached their table.

"What's with you two?" Iris eyed them.

"Oh, nothing, just teasing Barry on his new girlfriend," Belén said calmly as she took her seat next to Axel.

"She's not-" Barry began rather adamantly before he realized this was just another play of hers. He sighed and shook his head. "That's not funny," he pointed at her with a stern finger.

"Seems pretty funny from my end," she said slyly and picked up her coffee.

"Hey, you guys think Professor Stein is okay, right?" Caitlin didn't even pick up her own cup before thinking yet again on Professor Stein. "I mean, Clarissa would call if there was anything wrong."

"Yeah, of course," Barry said to her, but apparently it wasn't enough to convince her.

She grabbed her phone and started getting up. "All right. I'm just gonna call and check in. I'll be back."

"Uh- I don't see that call going well," Cisco said right before he started imitating Stein. "Young lady, these repeated intrusions are interrupting what should be a speedy recov-" but in the midst of his mockery he bumped into a passing brunette woman. "Oh, I'm so sorry."

The brunette looked up and revealed herself as Lisa Snart who answered in her usual flirty tone. "Don't apologize. You can bump into me any day, Cisco."

"Lisa Snart," Cisco's eyes widened.

"Oh, hell no," Belén said outright annoyed. Meanwhile, Barry tried hiding behind his coffee cup.

"You here to double-cross us again, or are you and your big bro holding up coffee shops now?" asked Cisco.

"Auntie Belén," Axel once again tugged on her good arm. "Who's she?"

"Someone who needs to go," Belén answered loudly for Lisa to get the point. "I would think you and your brother would stay away from places where there's children present."

Lisa didn't respond in her usual snarky tone. "I need your help," she said instead.

"In your dreams, Sister Cold," Cisco nearly laughed.

"I think her brain was finally frozen," Belén stared at the woman. "You do realize we could call in the Flash and the Azalea at any moment, right?"

Lisa nodded. "Call him. I know you two have a thing, so call him."

Barry nearly choked on his coffee while Belén gaped. Iris just smirked - she kinda liked this Lisa Snart.

"Unbelievable," Belén looked away, her face rather warm. "Was it that obvious?"

Her response was a very loud scoff from Iris.

Cisco had been studying Lisa in the meanwhile and had noticed something was just off with her. There was an actual shred of fear sitting in her eyes, and...concern? Was that even possible in a Snart?

"You really want us to call then," he said in realization.

"I need their help too," Lisa confessed. "My brother's been kidnapped."

~ 0 ~

Of course very curious to see what Lisa meant, the group took her back to STAR Labs to get the full story. However, both Belén and Barry made the excuse they had to go take Axel somewhere else - they may have forgotten their excuse as soon as Lisa was gone with Caitlin and Cisco. Instead, they let Iris take Axel and the two beat the trio to STAR Labs to get changed.

"I saw it happen," Lisa swore. She stood in the middle of the cortex, explaining her situation to the group before they would send her off. "Last night, Lenny, me, and Mick were knocking over the cashier's cage at Central City Racetrack-"

"Does it physically pain your family not to rob people?" Belén blamed herself for being so surprised when she knew she was dealing with a family of criminals.

Lisa rolled her eyes. "I never finished the job. After Mick torched through the side entrance, I looked back for Lenny and saw him getting thrown into the back of a van."

"And why didn't you and Mick follow?" asked Barry.

"I would have. Someone hit me from behind and knocked me out," Lisa gestured to her head. "When I came to, Lenny was gone, and Mick already made off with the cash."

"How do we know this isn't some kind of a trap?" Cisco logically wondered.

"If Lenny wanted Flash dead, he would have let Mardon, Simmons, and Bivolo take that honor, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember," Barry mumbled, thinking of it as yet another logical reason not to help them again.

"Good. Then you'll also recall that you owe Lenny a favor for saving your life. Time to make good on that debt."

"Even if we wanted to help, how are we supposed to find him?" Barry asked honestly.

Cisco turned on his feet and walked for the desk. "Not a problem. See, when I rebuilt the cold gun, I didn't have time to place a tracker on it, so I devised a method of locating it by borrowing some military technology." He started typing on the computer. "See, the gun works the same as thermal imaging, only instead of infrared heat signatures, it's looking for ultraviolet cold signatures. Whoa, look at that. The gun's UV thermal reading was last picked up at 5th and Hoyt eight minutes ago."

"All right. Let's see if you're a liar," Barry said to Lisa before speeding out.

"I'm not," Lisa argued but he had already left.

"That's debatable," Belén said under her breath, but not as quiet as she thought because Lisa had heard perfectly.

As it turned out, Cisco was right on where to find Snart. However, they did not account for Snart being with his father. As a result, Barry ended up being nearly frozen to death. Thanks to Cisco's new addition to the suit, the ice melted into nothing and he was able to return to STAR Labs where he had half a mind to tell Lisa Snart off.

"So your brother was not kidnapped. He was pulling a job with your father," he sourly informed Lisa upon arriving.

Lisa was nothing but confused. "What? No, Lenny would never do that."

"Oh, just like he would never try and kill The Flash with his cold gun?" Belén pretended to think. "Do you know your brother?"

Lisa still couldn't get over the confusion. It was the first clue that perhaps she wasn't lying to them. "Are you sure it was my dad?"

Cisco pulled up a reference file of her father. Caitlin walked over to the computer hanging on the wall. "That's him. Lewis Snart. Convicted of larceny, armed robbery, aggravated assault, assault with a deadly weapon."

"You have to believe me," Lisa pleaded. "Lenny would never work with him," she then added, like it was a secret no one in the room knew, "He's a bad guy."

"Did you miss the memo or something?" Belén honestly wondered if Lisa was just pretending she and her family weren't criminals. She was aware she was being ruder than usual but when it came to the Snarts she had no control.

"Why should we trust anything you say?" Caitlin crossed her arms.

Lisa stared at them a minute and then pulled on her jacket and blouse's collar to reveal a long scar running around the side of her neck. "I didn't get this scar being a criminal. I got it being a daughter," she mumbled and walked away.

The others, feeling a bit guilty, meant to follow her and get her back when Cisco stopped them. "Let me go. I got this," he made a gesture and left the room.

"I have to get to work," Belén knew she couldn't last long in the same room as a Snart. She was going to crack. "Every time I see a Snart all I think of is my sister's secret. Maybe the Azalea can take a rain check here."

"Don't worry," Barry said, understanding this wasn't one of her best moments. "We'll call you if something comes up."

Belén thanked him for it and took her leave. However when Barry got to thinking what she was planning on doing at work, he followed her out to the elevators.

"Uh, Bells, hold on a minute," his call stopped her in time. "About that article you, Linda and Iris are doing..."

Belén nodded, already knowing where this was going. She'd talked to him and the others about what they were doing and needless to say he was a little concerned with her decision.

"Barry, it'll be fine," she tried to say but he just couldn't agree so easily.

"I just don't think it's a good idea looking at where we are right now," he sighed. "You wanting to be the Azalea isn't the problem here, you know..."

"I do," Belén agreed, crossing her arms. "But if I live my life in fear because someone from another world decided to hunt me down...I'll never be happy."

"Datura is hunting you down for whatever reason and you letting the city know that the Azalea is alive might just give her more fuel to hurt you."

"Either way, Barry, she's coming to hurt me," Belén stepped closer to him, putting on her best encouraging smile for him. "Might as well let her know who she's dealing with."

Barry's lips briefly quirked into a smile. He loved hearing her so brave and sure of herself. He didn't want to be the reason it disappeared, but he just wished he could stop worrying so much.

~ 0 ~

Belén met with Linda to look over their almost finished draft. Since it was Iris' day off, they wanted to have everything finished for tomorrow so they could just give it another proofread and turn it in.

"This is really good," Linda said after reading some of Belén's lines. "Your perspective on the Azalea's disappearance is really interesting."

"Thanks," Belén felt a little ridiculous for taking a comment about a piece she did about herself. "I just think the city should wonder if this woman was away for so long then maybe it's for a big reason."

"I think they'll believe it," Linda said with absolute certainty. "And you know what, maybe reading this might encourage the Azalea to come back."

Belén smiled at their draft. "I think so."

"Belén?"

Belén inwardly groaned when she heard her mother's voice. "Mom," she turned away from her desk to find Veronica approaching her. "Seriously? You can't do this at my job-"

But Veronica calmly raised a hand to stop her. "I'm not here to argue. I want to talk. For real."

Admittedly this did stump Belén for a minute. Her mother seemed calm, calmer than any time she'd seen her as of late.

"You can talk in the conference room," Linda suggested, nodding her head towards the empty room behind her. "No one will bother you there."

"Thank you," Veronica told her before walking towards the room, leaving not much of a choice for Belén.

"I'll be back soon," Belén promised Linda then followed her mother. She closed the glass doors and readied herself for whatever her mother threw at her.

"Bells, your mother's here…" Caitlin's eyes were widened as a gesture that she was pretty nervous of Veronica's appearance.

"Belén, please. I have a proposition," Veronica came out with it in one go, however Belén had a different idea of what she meant by a proposition.

"If it's me and Axel getting out of the city then you can forget-"

"I want to stay," Veronica surprised Belén so much that for the next minute Veronica had free range in the conversation to say what she needed to. "I've been going wrong about this, and I get it, and I'm sorry. I'm just...I've lost my kids, and not just from the divorce, but from life. Rayan's gone, Maritza's gone, even David's gone. And I thought that staying away was the best thing. I've always done better when I'm alone..."

"How'd that work out for you this time?" Belén crossed her arms, unable to keep her resentment at bay. "Because for us it didn't go too well."

"I was wrong," Veronica knew those three words would become part of her daily vocabulary. "I have never been very good at expressing my feelings and when I do they're always in the wrong manner. But you just have to know that I do love you, okay? You're my daughter, how could I not?"

"I have never doubted that," Belén said quietly, shifting on her feet. "But you have never, ever, tried to see things from another person's perspective. Everything always has to be your way or it just blows up."

"I know, I see that now," Veronica nodded her head. "That's why I want to stay here in the city, and change, so that I can be that mother you need. I know things will never be perfect, but I want to try."

"You say that now but by Sunday you'll be back to your regular self," Belén remarked.

"Not this time. I mean it. I already made calls to SCPD to transfer here."

Belén's eyes widened. "You...you did that?"

"Mhm. I'm hoping to get transferred here, at the CCPD. And look," Veronica went back to her purse where she pulled out a manila folder, "this is something else I think could be good for both of us." She walked up to Belén and held out the folder.

Eyes glued on her mother, Belén took the folder and opened it up. She skimmed a couple of lines which resulted in a contract...and proposition?

"What the hell is this?" she looked up.

"I want to buy the house off you," Veronica declared. Belén's mouth fell open once again. "It's clear you and I can't live together, and maybe it's for the best now. You're a young woman who, as you've said, is trying to make her life now. You're selling the house and I would like to buy it."

Belén's eyes nearly popped out from her head from how wide they were.

"And-" Veronica continued with a gesture that Belén should keep looking through the papers, "-I want you to sign Axel's custody over to me, but-" she raised a finger when she saw Belén opening her mouth to argue, "-with conditions. I honestly don't think you are ready to take on the responsibility of a child. It's not that I think you are incapable. I just think you're too young for this."

"I am-"

"Belén please just stop being stubborn and view things logically for a moment," Veronica pleaded. Belén snapped shut the folder but adhered to the request. "You're at the starting point of your life. You just had an accident, your job is barely beginning, and I even hear you're starting a relationship again, and all that gets complicated when you have a child to look after. Tell me you haven't gone crazy looking for babysitters? Axel goes to school now and that can't be easy when it's only three hours a day. Plus, I can't imagine the sleepless nights you've had trying to look after him. He's four and he doesn't have his mother anymore. I know you're trying, but...it has to be hard for you, right?"

Belén bit her lip, her initial annoyance subsiding when she got to thinking. Of course there'd been days where she just couldn't find someone to look after Axel while she went to train for the aerial show or even just to go to work. There were sleepless nights that often had her nearly falling asleep at work. Then there were moments that she just didn't know how to talk to Axel, especially when he asked about Maritza.

"I'm not trying to take Axel away from you. On the contrary, I want to stay here in the city, live in the old house with Axel where you and I can make plans to see each other more often. I'm going to get old eventually," Veronica smiled lightly, "And when that time comes, you'll probably have a family of your own and then you'll know how to care for Axel and your children. It'll be your decision to have them."

Belén re-opened the folder to look things over again. Her mind was fumbling with different ideas but they were all screaming at her to agree. This was the closest thing her mother had ever done to benefit her and Belén couldn't find it in her to disagree when her mother seemed to be honest. Because in the end, she did love her mom and she did want to form some sort of relationship before it was too late.

~ 0 ~

Returning to STAR Labs (as the Azalea), Belén came to quite a sight. Lisa was sitting on a stool with Barry and Caitlin, the former as the Flash and holding some sort of whirring device in front of Lisa's neck.

"What in the hell is going on here?" Belén walked over to them.

"There's a bomb inside Lisa's that her father put," Caitlin responded then moved on to tell Barry, "Once you hold it steady with the magnet, I can surgically excise it."

Cisco came running into the room shouting for them to stop. "Put the magnet down! This is a really concentrated bomb. It's gonna combust if it's exposed to magnetic friction and an oxidant."

Caitlin and Barry retracted one large step away from Lisa who shared the same confused face as Belén.

"In English please?" Belén asked them.

"Air. Uh, the bomb will explode if it comes in contact with air," Barry replied.

"Scientific minds. Can we confer, please?" Cisco motioned to be followed into a side room.

"Yeah, I'm not scientific but I don't want to be near her," Belén mumbled and flashed an apologetic smile at Lisa. "This time no offence."

For once Lisa smiled back.

"What if Flash speed extracts it?" Caitlin wondered once they were in a separate room.

"Nope, it's too risky," Cisco shook his head. "I'm gonna find a way to get it out. I just need a little time."

"But you could lose track of Snart and his dad," Belén pointed out.

"I wish we knew what he was gonna steal next and when," Barry said, thinking. It only took a moment for an idea to pop into his head. "Maybe I can get them to tell me. Their tech guy is dead, so I'm betting they're gonna need a new one. I should infiltrate Lewis' crew."

Belén burst into a fit of laughter but abruptly stopped when she met Barry's offended face. "Oh, you weren't kidding?"

"No, I wasn't," Barry frowned.

"You're gonna pretend to be a criminal?" even Caitlin was surprised of the idea.

"How hard can it be?" Barry shrugged, not thinking about it too much.

"How do I say it nicely…?" Belén mumbled, thinking for a minute before coming up with, "...you're kind of a dork."

Barry tilted his head at her. Was this the best she could come up with? And she was trying to be nice. "Well, as long as you're being nice."

Belén smiled. "You know I mean that affectionately, but...you just have a thing about you that screams…"

"Nerd?" Cisco finished, or blurted.

Belén laughed again. "That's the word!"

Barry shook his head at them. "Thanks guys, really."

"Oh, c'mon," Belén couldn't stop laughing however and so Barry left the room before they added more to his apparent persona.

~0~

"He actually went through with it," Belén couldn't say she was surprised Barry went through with his idea to pretend to be a criminal and tag along with Snart and his dad.

Caitlin laughed as the two walked for the cortex holding respective cups of coffee in their hands. "I think he might have done it just to prove us wrong."

When the two women returned to the cortex Cisco had devised a new way to retrieve the bomb from inside Lisa. He had fashioned a gun-like device with a fitted clear tube sticking above from it.

"What exactly are you gonna do to me with that thing?" Lisa hadn't stopped staring at the big gun she knew was going to be aimed at her pretty soon.

"Operating pressure on this is over 1,000 PSI. This will easily suck the micro-bomb out of your neck and into the barrel of this with one high-powered sho," Cisco tapped the top of the gun. "There is one slight risk."

"Besides shooting a high-powered weapon directly against my neck? "

"The gun does use compressed air," Cisco admitted and looked at the other two women.

Lisa reached a hand on his arm and softly said. "I trust you, Cisco."

"Maybe that's one thing we have in common," Belén smiled at Cisco. "Do your thing. But, uh...we'll be over here," she gestured to herself, Axel and Caitlin.

Cisco nodded a thanks and moved a bit to the side to finish the last bit of the gun. Almost at the same time, Belén's cellphone went off. She took it and walked to the side to take Iris' call, not that she had much of a conversation since Iris was in a fit.

"Bells? I need you!" Iris blurted frantically, worrying Belén she was in trouble.

"What? What is it!?"

"It's just...my dad told me that...that my Mom was actually alive and-"

"He what?" Belén's mouth fell open. "She's...like...breathing-alive?"

"Oh yeah, the whole thing. Please, I just...I really need someone I can talk to with 'mom problems'. Didn't even know I could have those," she mumbled in the end.

"Y-yeah, don't worry. Are you home?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'll be right over," Belén promised and hung up. "I have to go but I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Is everything alright?" Caitlin asked once she detected something was off in Belén's tone.

"Yeah, um...I hope," Belén pushed herself up from her chair. "I'll be back later, promise."

"We'll handle things," Caitlin assured.

Belén thanked her once more and hurried to find Iris. Like the woman had said, Iris was sitting at home completely alone. She had Axel coloring at the dining table actually quiet. She had pulled up several of her old albums that happened to contain some of her mother's pictures. It was all completely crazy to her. First, she thought her mother was dead and now apparently Francine was more than alive. But then...her father told her that Francine was dying. How was she supposed to think when there was all that behind it?

She nearly jumped from the couch when she heard someone knocking. She opened it up and was relieved to find Belén on the other side. "Thanks for coming, Bells."

"Yeah, of course," Belén walked in but not before giving her a hug. "I can't believe your mom's alive."

"Me neither," Iris said and closed the door. "I didn't have anyone to talk to about this. I mean, I tried getting through to Barry but he wasn't answering-"

"Oh, he's off being a criminal," Belén waved that off and headed into the living room. Iris made a face behind but filed that under 'ask later'.

"Bells, I'm so confused. I saw her today," Iris stopped by the couch, allowing Belén to sit down first. Belén reached for an open photo album with a picture of a baby Iris and her mother. "Like...she was there, and…" Iris shook her head, still unable to believe it.

"How is she?" Belén thought to ask.

"She's...put together," Iris took a seat beside her. "My Dad said that...she used to be a drug addict. She was put together and I told her...to go away. That's what I said to her."

"I think that's completely understandable. I mean, if she left…"

"Oh, she left," Iris said with a bit of resentment in her tone. "She just got up and left and then suddenly decided she wanted to see me again." But even then Iris knew that wasn't the complete truth. "She's...sick. That's what she told my dad. But...I don't know if I can believe her. She's made my dad lie this whole time who knows what comes out of her mouth now."

"Well, you're a reporter, research her," Belén instructed. "You're the daughter of a cop, and a badass of a reporter. This is your perfect talent. Use it."

"And if it turns out to be true?" Iris asked quietly. "If my mom...is dying...what do I do?"

"I can't tell you what to do," Belén shook her head. "I mean, you see the problems I'm having with my own mother, but if Francine came back at this moment...she probably wanted to make amends before she…" made a gesture and sighed. "But you have to be really committed. You can't do it out of guilt. It's okay if you don't want to know her because the truth of the matter is, while biologically she's your mother...she was never A a mother to you. I think she would understand that."

Iris nodded. "Yeah," she mumbled.

Belén stared at her for a minute before reaching over and hugging her again. "Come here!" Iris smiled as she was rocked a bit by the woman. "If you want we could research together."

Iris truly thought about it for a minute but went against it in the end. "I need to do it alone. But thank you so much."

"Don't worry, I understand," Belén nodded her head. "But you also need to understand that I'm gonna hug you for five more minutes."

Iris laughed.

~ 0 ~

At one point in the heist he was being forced to pull, Barry wondered how he would rub it in Belén's face that his plan had gone right so far. She thought he was too dorky to actually play off being a trained techy criminal. She so owed him, that much he knew.

Now as the Flash, he appeared to Snart and his father right at the end of their heist, ready to stop them. Both of them were getting ready to leave the vault with all the diamonds they found.

"Only place you're going is back to Iron Heights, Lewis," Barry spat at the older man he really disliked, and not just because he had shot him five minutes ago.

Snart raised his cold gun at Barry but did not shoot. Lewis, on the other hand, just smiled. "Ah, you wanna bet?"

That was the question wasn't it? Barry raised a hand to his earpod. "Do I wanna bet?

"Do not bet!" he immediately heard Cisco's shout. "Give me a minute."

"Tell me this, what kind of man puts a bomb in his own daughter?" Barry started to ask, hoping Cisco wouldn't be too long.

"A very rich man," Lewis smirked. "Shoot him, son." But as Snart failed to do so, Lewis pulled out a small, silver device that Barry assumed was the controller of the bomb inside Lisa. "Kill him or you'll never see your sister alive."

Barry wondered how this could play out where both he and Lisa got out alive. Thankfully, he didn't have to think for too long before he heard Cisco's 'okay'.

"Lisa's safe," he told Snart. Almost on reflex, Snart redirected his cold gun at his father and shot him square in the chest.

Lewis fell on his knees with nearly his entire body covered in ice. "You're working with The Flash? I thought you hated him?"

"Not as much as I... hate you," Snart responded, almost trembling from the hatred he felt for the man now dead on the floor.

Barry cautiously moved up to Snart and gently pulled the cold gun from his hands - to which the other man didn't even fight for. "Lisa was safe. Why did you do that?"

Snart looked up with cold eyes. "He broke my sister's heart. Only fair I break his."

~0~

With the Snarts' dilemma finished - however badly it was - the rest of the team called it a day. Belén hadn't stopped by STAR Labs anymore due to the time, so she left Iris' place with Axel and returned home. She put Axel to bed, with the promise that things would be looking better for them now. He was certainly excited to learn his grandmother would be staying in the city. His excitement deterred his sleep but eventually, after two or three bedtime stories, Belén got him to fall asleep.

She had to admit, the idea of having her mother around - on good terms - was something that made her smile.

Her thoughts about the new arrangement were interrupted when she found her dining table decorated with candles and dinner she'd most certainly hadn't cooked. (She may or may not have bought Axel take out and called it dinner).

"This is a surprise," she admitted when she saw Barry standing next to the table. He was holding one azalea in his hand and was wearing a nice outfit.

"The many perks of being a speedster means I can basically be a ninja," Barry smirked which just made her laugh. He moved up to her and held the azalea out for her. "I know we didn't have a chance for a nice date outside and I know it's just harder for you right now, so...I thought maybe a house-date might work better."

"House date," Belén repeated with a soft chuckle. "Thank you for that." She took her azalea from his hand and gave it a sniff. "And thank you for my flower. My deadly, poisonous flower."

"Yeah, keep that away from Axel..."

Belén playfully rolled her eyes and gazed at the dinner table. "Thank you for this. All of it. I really love it. I'm just sad I'm not better dressed."

"What are you talking about? You're looking lovely as usual," Barry dramatically gestured at her.

"Barry, stop," Belén laughed but Barry continued on with his compliments, from her hair to her shoes. Eventually she managed to quiet him down only to keep Axel from waking up.

The two sat close to each other at the table and started on their dinner. It was from the same restaurant they visited on their first date.

"Good points, Mr. Allen," Belén pointed her fork at Barry. "Only this time I'm not going to spit anything out."

Barry nearly laughed when he remembered her spitting out a spicy meal she'd ordered on their first date. "I thought it was cute."

"It was awful. I'm surprised you didn't walk out there and then," Belén reached for a sip of her drink.

"Why would I? You were gorgeous then, and now I know you're the best thing that could ever happen to me."

Belén lowered her fork for a moment to smile at him. "You're smooth tonight. Thanks."

"I'm just glad you're smiling again," Barry passed a finger under her chin, widening her smile.

It was then that Belén realized she hadn't told him about her mother's latest visit that day. "My mom stopped by again..."

"Oh, Belén..." Barry figured Veronica pushed her again and was prepared to comfort her.

"No! Um...things actually got better," Belén felt weird just saying that sentence about her mother. She was so used to always having problems with Veronica. "She um, she...she made a proposition. She's buying the house from me. She's going to live here, actually, with Axel."

"She still made you give up custody?"

"No, uuh...I agreed," Belén nodded. She drew in a big breath before explaining her reasoning. "I love my nephew, I do, but I'm fully aware that I'm not ready to take care of him nor any child for that matter. I'm trying my best but if things keep going the way the were...I'm going to drown, Barry. I'm just...I'm not ready for it and I just want Axel to be okay..."

Barry set his hands on her shoulders to keep her from going into a long ramble that would eventually turn her face purple due to lack of oxygen. "I get it. You don't need to explain it to me."

"I don't want you to think I'm giving him up like if he were nothing."

"I would never think that. I've seen firsthand how much you love him. If you're making this choice it's because you're sure Axel is going to be okay. He's going to be good."

"I think he will be," Belén said with absolute certainty. "Mom's transferring to the precinct so she'll be around. Who knows, maybe this is our chance at actually having a relationship."

"I'm really happy for you, Bells," Barry said, taking his hands off her shoulders. "I'm glad Veronica finally came to her senses."

"Well..." Belén cleared her throat. Barry noticed her shifting on her chair and wondered what else she had to say. "She didn't come up with it entirely on her own. Maritza...actually inspired her." Barry's eyebrows raised together in shock. "I know," Belén chuckled lightly. "I was just as surprised as you were. Mom told me she visited Maritza and that Maritza basically called her out on everything."

"I mean...that was..." Barry couldn't even find the proper words to commend Maritza for her actions. It certainly brought a lot of happiness for Belén and that made him see Maritza in a new light.

"I'm thankful," Belén bit her lip nervously. "I'm basically getting a second chance with my Mom thanks to Maritza."

"I'm happy for you, a lot," Barry smiled.

Belén stared at him for a minute with a soft smile. "Yeah, things are finally getting better for me."

She got up from her chair and surprised Barry by sitting on his lap. She looped an arm around his neck and pressed her lips to his for a kiss. It was a much awaited kiss that was filled with feelings - some of those feelings were from the very day they'd broken up. Barry wrapped an arm of his around Belén's waist, keeping her steady as well keeping her close to his body. His free hand came to rest on her cheek and repeatedly stroked circles over her skin with his thumb.

They remained like that for a couple minutes until they felt their feelings for each other had been rekindled.

They gazed at each other with the same dazed smiles until someone spoke up.

"I need more dates like this," Belén spoke for the two of them.

Barry thought the same thing and went ahead and kissed her again.

Dinner was pushed back for a couple minutes.

#ocappreciation #arrowverseocs #the flash #barry allen #the flash fics #barry allen fics #barry allen imagines #the flash imagines #oc: Belén Palayta #oc: Belen Palayta #oc: datura #fic: rise up

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saltothearth · 4 years

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(2) some random crackhead who were his friend walked in and started doing lines in front of me, and my uncle just let him. I got uncomftable and left. I told my mom n dad (im 15) about it and now i'm not allowed to go to him anymore. He really needs a friend and i don't want to stop being around him. Help?

I'm going to write a lot here because this is kind of close to home for me and it's important I get across something that is kind of difficult to do via text:

First, thank you for coming to me with this question. It's really humbling and I appreciate you looking for perspective. I don't know why you asked me in particular, I don't know to what extent I've spoken about my own family's struggles that is in a similar realm to this, but that's a story for another time.

Let's take a moment to give thanks to God for being a God of mercy and love and grace. You know, He is a father to the fatherless - such as myself -, a lifeline to those that are drowning in life's tumultuous seas, and an answerer of prayers.

My first advise, friend, is to pray. I don't know if you know God, if you do, then you are doing better than I was at your age. If not, let me tell you, this world has problems heavier and wider than my shoulders can hold, and more than likely you'll run into weight that is just impossible to hold up yourself. Now might be one of those times. It's going to be through God that good comes from this, not our strength or wisdom or even our good will.

That is the most important part of this answer. If nothing else, take away that you must pray and be patient.

I hear you, though. I can visualize being in similar shoes - I have been in similar shoes. I have wanted to help people, be with people, hold people up, that I couldn't - at least not immediately and not the way that I wanted to. I see why you want to be there for your uncle, maybe when nobody else is. When he's misunderstood, maybe an outcast, maybe shadowed by things he's done and repented for. You want to be there for him.

I also want to be a father one day. So I can try and imagine myself in, perhaps, in your father's shoes. Looking to make sure that my child is adequately protected from harm. You know, fathers are obligated to do this, protect their families, especially their wives and children. There is no more important a task than to shore up the physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing of one's own household as a man. I can see why a father might reasonably remove their child from an environment where substances are being abused - to me this sounds like where your parents have really drawn a line, and not necessarily being there for your uncle.

Seeing both roles the way I do, it is my opinion and recommendation that you honor your parents because they have made a decision out of an appropriate desire for your wellbeing. That is one thing that you must first internalize, they are not the antagonists in this scenario, they are on your side.

Another aspect of this, which I should maybe have mentioned before, is communication. Have you told your uncle what you've told me, that you want to be there for him? Have you expressed your own discomfort with what happened? (Let me pause here to express that what happened was by all accounts unacceptable. Your uncle, being a man and family, is also subsequently tasked with maintaining your wellbeing when you are in his company. Bluntly, he did not do this by allowing that situation to manifest and unfold the way it did) Communicate your thoughts to those around you. It might not change anything, but it's important. It also shows maturity. You're at an age now where it's kind of a change for your parents. At 15, you are nearly a legal adult. To them it probably feels like yesterday that you were learning to walk. It feels that way with my younger brother so I can only imagine parenthood. If you make a habit of communicating your thoughts and feelings, they'll remember that in the future. Do the same with your uncle if you can. If you're allowed phone calls or texts with him. It's important he understands that you aren't okay with that sort of environment, so it's up to him - if in the future you are allowed in his company - that he respects your boundaries.

This isn't going to be a quick fix, okay? And it isn't up to you to fix it. That's a hard lesson I am still learning. I like to fix. I see a problem, I want to fix it. But not every problem is something for us to fix, but we can help or at a minimum not make it worse. Antagonizing the relationship between you and your parents over this would probably make it worse. Being in a similar situation like the one you described, will probably make it worse. So don't aim to fix, aim to help, if you can, or at least don't make worse.

In summary: Pray. Above all else, pray. Communicate with people. Don't make the mistake of trying to 'fix'.

I hope this helps. If it doesn't, I still appreciate - sincerely - you taking the time to ask. It's truly humbling.

Give God thanks, and he safe, friend.

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jaypelt · 4 years

Text

Cheers for Five Years of Undertale, and its Everlasting Effect on Me

Been a while since I’ve done one of these... I might even be rusty at it! Honestly, what I’ve got right now are more vague thoughts than coherent words in my head. I wasn’t sure if I’d even do this, since I felt it wasn’t entirely necessary. Everybody had so much to say! But spurned on by the display of someone very close to me, the cogs in my head couldn’t help but start turning for me too. So here I am. This isn’t going to be easy, though. Because if you read this, I need you to understand the depth of my feelings. Even if just a little. So I’ll do my best to bare my heart yet again, for the sake of it and everything its done for me. Everything it’ll keep doing for me.

The beginning is usually always one of the hardest parts. A blank space devoid of anything, that you’ve got to somehow miraculously fill with thoughts somebody else could understand. But Undertale is rarely a subject I ever have to struggle so much with. It’s been a long, long five years.

This is re-treading old ground that a number of those who know me are already familiar with, however, I don’t think this would be complete without it. But it will get very, VERY personal. If you’re not comfortable with that, then uh... giving you another warning now. But pushing forward...

Right before UT came out, I hadn’t begun to really unravel quite yet. But I was very close. It was somewhat of a rough transitional period as I moved on from my middle school to high, losing very dear IRL friends and generally continuing to struggle with school, as I had been for years. Untreated ADHD is real nasty. But I’d always had at least some friends, either online, or ones I made throughout the year, to rely on. And I didn’t really think about things. The start of this school year was no different. Even having a... perhaps questionable choice of boyfriend, but, well, he was my first.

I struggled with just about every aspect of school from basically the start, but having a small group, and especially an online partner to come home to everyday, helped me at least get through. In the coming months, however, I’d start to encounter more turbulence. Through aforementioned partner, I met someone who’d come to rely on me far more than he should have. Made even worse by the fact that he was a full grown adult while I was only 14, which will be a recurring trend. And has been for most of my life.

We hit it off pretty quickly, becoming good friends and talking to each other outside of mutual friend spaces. And through that, he started to open up about his problems. Living with a family that treated him poorly, suicidal urges, and particularly, an abusive boyfriend. If you know me well, I’ve probably definitely talked about this at least a little.

My daily routine starting becoming supporting this person through all of his troubles. Sitting in skype calls or exchanging messages for hours at a time on the daily. Rarely did a day go by where I didn’t, slowly sinking into an apathetic pit from overextending myself for the sake of his mental health. I couldn’t even help him improve, all I could do was just try to keep him alive. Which, well, I did. For months.

Everything else fell to the wayside as I was constantly stressed about the life of someone I cared about. Obviously my school life suffered even further. I grew withdrawn from everyone, and kept only to the few online friends I had. However, in the midst of this downward spiral, just before the ball really got rolling, a certain game came out. Exactly a month after it had come out, October 15th, 2015, I’d become interested after all the talk on tumblr about Undertale.

After watching a playthrough on youtube(I didn’t play for myself at first, a pity), It’d personally resonated so strongly and gotten me so hooked that it was something I invested a fair amount of my time into consuming content about. I grew super attached to all these characters that’d made me laugh, smile, cry... just this whole spectrum of emotions. And someone in particular, Alphys, really caught my attention after things had begun to get worse.

She felt so... relatable, though I couldn’t possibly tell you all the reasons. When I think about it, we’re not really the most similar, but something about her just hooked me. Maybe because she had all these things going on that nobody knew about. And that she lied. And felt so anxious interacting with anyone after she’d previously been much warmer and closer. That she was closer to “disappearing” than she seemed.

Whatever the reasons, the months moving further along, consuming content about UT practically became my lifeline. I reblogged heaps and heaps of posts about it, watched videos, listened to the soundtrack, even started drawing because I’d been so inspired. When I was just stuck in this horrible pit of second-hand depression, it was the one thing that still made me happy. I started to really think about why it mattered to me and how. It’s funny, I’d read books obsessively for years before then, but UT was the thing that really got me thinking. It was all downhill from there, I tell you. Now I’m an artist and a writer. Horrific.

But, unfortunately, for all its good... it couldn’t stop what was to come. I was still getting worse and worse, with no end in sight. I’d already been supporting... let’s call him Phil, for a few months. And in December of that year, my boyfriend completely dropped off the grid for a while. I’d see him appear online sometimes and I’d message him, but no response, then right back to offline. Finally, he came back, approaching me with something he obviously was uncomfortable about.

To make a long story short, he’d come to the conclusion that he was straight, and decided to end the relationship. What’s bad is that... honestly? I was already doing so poorly that I had a hard time caring. But we did pretty much stop talking, and I leaned into Undertale all the more. Anyway, time continued to pass. Not without its few ups, and mostly downs. I got used to being called “mature”, usually followed by “especially for your age.” “Phil” told me that if I were legal, he’d date me. I’ve got a crippling fear of screwing up with people that’s stuck with me to this day, after a few occasions involving him. I considered doing some... not so great things to myself. Thankfully, I was always so averse to physical pain that it didn’t become anything extreme.

As for the few ups, there was “Phil” finally managing to leave his abusive relationship, when he’d tried previously and fallen into such a bad depressive episode I had to talk him down. So that was something. He’d even started going to therapy after the second break up.

Not that it did a whole lot. The school year began approaching its end and nothing had really changed. I’d been going through all the same motions for around half a year or more. My sleep was terrible, I was passing almost none of my classes, had practically no friends to speak of, and just felt... tired. All the time. But during this... the minute beginning of a monumental shift started. Another character in UT had begun to clutch me in his grasp. Even more strongly than Alphys. Flowey. Through the posts a singular person on tumblr had made about him and my experience with the geno run, I came to understand the dumb little flower more. Which is also funny, because he was previously my least favorite. Even, yes, after the Asriel reveal.

I’m having a difficult time weaving together this convoluted timeline of events, but it was around... perhaps March or early April that the person whom I’d been supporting for almost a full fucking year completely disappeared. Without a word. The one thing I’d tried to stick to for so long was just. Gone. So I drifted about with, well, no purpose.

By the end of the school year, it probably goes without saying that I was... not doing great. But one those aforementioned acquaintances I’d only just started to become actual friends with came forth to me with a question. That being if there was some way for us to keep contact during the summer. So I gave her my email, which would turn out to be a decision that saved my life. Because things would only get worse before they got better.

This is getting to be way, way, way too long. So to summarize, summertime came around and I’d been in pretty close contact with... I’ll just call her V. She was... well, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Someone who stood out with the intelligence you could just see in their eyes. Outgoing, charismatic, compassionate... all those sorts of things. We were opposites in a lot of ways. Or, at least, it felt like it.

Some things happened, like “Phil” coming back after months of nothing. Me immediately slotting back into my role of being a pillar of support, but then screwing up and hating myself for it. But honestly, that ain’t shit to the rest of the whole shitshow.

For a bit of context, my parents are divorced. So for most of the previous years, I’d been going to my mom’s place during the summer and staying with her the whole time, to make up for how rarely we’d see each other otherwise. That year... she was beginning to run low on money. She lived next to my granny, but still basically alone, compared to how she’d been staying with someone else in hotels for the few prior years.

After learning she didn’t have enough to pay rent and might be kicked out, she tried to appeal to her mom, who said she wouldn’t let her stay. Why? I don’t know. After that, she spiraled into a panic. And, well, the ever faithful little worker bee, I stepped forward to try and console her in any way I could. She seemed to recompose, at least a little. It wasn’t great, and she thought she’d have to do some unsavory things in order to survive, but... I thought that, just maybe, I’d done something.

But... later that night, she started drinking. Which... well, put her in a mood. Exacerbated by the day’s earlier events and the fact that she was taking medication that responded poorly to alcohol. She came over to where I was sitting, my little makeshift desk I’d put together to set up my desktop, with my little sister just in the other room. Just... a warning for this next part, it’s... grim. More grim than anything else in this thread.

She proceeded to tell me she was going to go upstairs and grab the gun my granny kept in her room. And berated me for thinking I’d done anything to help, saying she “wasn’t like my little friends” that I could simply talk to. With that, she walked away, heading upstairs. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crushed in my entire life, to this day. I broke down crying, sitting in that chair.

Yet, somehow, I managed to stop when I saw her coming back down. She walked back over, pointed the gun at her head, and told me to give her a reason she shouldn’t do it. And also to this day, I.... still don’t know if I said what was right. It was all I could think of. I quietly told her that if she did it, I’d pick that gun up and do it to myself. Same as her. And I asked if she wanted to be responsible for that.

It was true, too. By that point, I didn’t care anymore.

And if there’s one thing I can say about her, it’s that she’s always cared about me. In a horrible, twisted way especially, that night. It was enough to make her silently pull the gun down, go back upstairs, and put it away. One last time... she came down, walked past me to the front door and simply said “I love you.” before going out to sit on the porch.

I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over the events of that night. I spoke to V afterwards, as I’d been keeping in regular contact, as I said. And even been speaking to her throughout the day about what was happening. I think she was panicking just as much as I had been, and told me to go find the gun and unload it. So I did. Bawling my eyes out the whole damn time. Afterwards, I took the bullets and threw them in the large neighborhood garbage can.

The rest of the night’s a blur. I don’t recall if anything else happened, I just remember waking up tired the next day. My uncle was in the house, as he’d been staying with my granny for a while, but hadn’t been around the night before. I tried to talk to him, but.. couldn’t bring myself to open up. Even though we were pretty close. I went back to my dad’s.

That wasn’t the end of it, either. For the next coming months, I’d get drunken calls and live in fear of being put right back in the same situation. It got so bad that I stopped answering my phone altogether. I broke contact with my mom entirely. I still hate answering or making calls.

Anyway, a few other things happened in the summer, like my applying for online courses. And the subsequent ridicule from my dad’s side of the family for the decision. Tell you what, the stress of taking a test to try and join that online program, then going to golden corral and having to struggle to not cry in front of everyone there was... not the ideal way to spend a birthday. Happy 15 years to me.

So.... that was that. I still went through with online courses and everything kind of... slowed to a crawl. I tried to do school work, but depression and still yet untreated ADHD prevented me from making any substantial progress beyond a few finished classes. For a while I simply... existed in a limbo. All I did was get up, get on my computer, maybe talk to a few people, and play Overwatch. Maybe look at tumblr, as I remained into Undertale. V and I lost contact after school started back up. I never blamed her for it. In fact, I preferred it that way. She didn’t deserve to have such a burden placed on her, and I still... feel guilty for leaning on her so much.

But I’m very thankful. I hope she’s out there living a good life, wherever she is.

And this! Is where we finally get to the not depressing parts! And only... what, 29 paragraphs in? Sheesh... I know I wanted to really illustrate just how shit things were to demonstrate just how much UT did for me, but this is taking it a bit far, isn’t it? Ah well... already made it this far. In for a penny, in for a pound. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! I’m sorry. Truly. And I love you so very dearly.

Time went by and I kept doing my thing. Playing Overwatch(a practically self-destructive behavior deserving a therapy, frankly), talking to the few friends I had that I kept at an arm’s length, that sort of stuff. “Phil” and I no longer talked, thank goodness. Obviously I was depressed as all hell, not bothering to shower, eat, clean up, or do laundry for days on end. I spent more time asleep than I did awake, on most days. Did I say this was where the not depressing part was? I may have lied a little.

Blah blah “more months go by”, you know the drill. Until... I believe, November of 2016. After cementing my love of Flowey ever deeper, I’d started to follow more blogs putting out content for him on tumblr. In particular, the most important ones being I’lltrytobegood, Flowey-Answers, and later happyflowey and Corruptedflora.

It all started with a stream. I joined an art stream of LLA(Lovelyladyartist) on picarto as he worked on ITTBG. I kept quiet for the first few streams I joined, being too anxious to really out myself in any capacity. But little by little, I was coerced out of my shell. Particularly by one SilverKhaos, who I think at the time went by SilverSlayer or something. Anyway, he got me talking. And through that, I started making friends, bit by bit.

Also through the stream, I was introduced to CC(CuteCatDoodles) of Flowey-Answers. I obsessively read through the entire blog in a single sitting, just... having such a good time with it. And... strangely enough, it... got me feeling oddly better. Like I’d finally started to breath after not being able to for what felt like such a long time. If just a little. The next day, I got out of bed early, cleaned up, took out some garbage, and made breakfast. Just a simple plate of scrambled eggs. A simple, easy morning for most any average person. But for me? It was one of the most special mornings I’ve ever had.

Likewise, I did the same with Ding’s happyflowey, of reading through all of it in a single night. My head hurt like a motherfucker, but I tell you, it was worth it. The effect perhaps not as profound, but still very meaningful to me, as well as sowing the seeds of yet more relationships to form. If far off in the future, as far as this timeline is concerned. I still adore all of those dumb, charming little flowers so much. Mania would come to inspire my first ever OC, in fact. Thinking about that blog makes me miss when the UT fandom was more active here, even though I never participated in the fandom at large. But I’m grateful for the memories and incredible amounts of enjoyment getting to read it all brought me. I have way too many cropped images of Hysteria.

I wasn’t immediately better, but it was all the start of something new. I kept up with the streams, also joining in for CC’s. For hours upon hours a day, I’d just hop into them and spend the day talking away. I had something to really look forward upon waking up, starting to adjust my schedule so that I at least didn’t miss TOO much. I was able to really make friends, it felt like. Even though I wasn’t and still am not the most socially adept.

And as luck would have it, because picarto chat was and probably still is pretty unstable to this day, it just happened to go down and that led to... the creation of the discord server! It started off small, but steadily got more and more joiners from the growing population of the streams. LovelyLadyArtist, CuteCatDoodles, BrySkye, Flowers-Without-Pots, SilverSlayer, KRS, Donut, Mr.Quarter, Dragoler, Stilla, Chara, RotmModdy, Rowdy, Dunal, and probably at least a few others I’m forgetting... all names I encountered there and most of which I still see daily.

Through that server, we started keeping up even when there wasn’t any stream going on. Just goofing off and having a good ‘ol time. Already I was... well, doing a helluva lot better than I had before. All because of the gathering of a small community surrounding this indie gem. And even further centered in a niche specifically about Flowey! Who, and I’d forgotten to mention this before, I’d found a surprising amount to relate in. He’d become a big, BIG hyperfocus. Which is why I’d met everyone at all. Truly, it’s crazy to think how possible it is for me to have never come down this path.

From there on, I continued to meet new people, established new relationships. I even got invited to an RP server, creatively named “Flower RP” :p. At first I was hesitant, perhaps not even initially 100% interested. But as people really got into it, I felt an incredibly strong Fear of Missing Out. Leading to the creation of a character still near and dear to my heart.... Zorch. The result of contributions from many friends, from design ideas, to character concepts, and even his name(thanks for that, Rowdy). And... I began to write. It wasn’t great at first. very short form, and I didn’t know how to approach the roleplaying mindset, or even how to properly characterize him.

But over time... I got better. I became more confident. I really got into the nitty-gritty of character writing and discussion. I joined in on hours long discussions about the characters, lore, and narrative of Undertale. I’d wake up just to be there as soon as chat began to move, all the way to the point where everyone was finally asleep. I started to be able to help people again. For months, participating in this RP, in this chat, in this community was what I lived for. The joy that I felt in being among friends all working towards and talking about a common goal and interest is, well, honestly still somewhat unrivaled.

Paci, Pots, Neue, Castor, Silver, Nightmare, Rowdy. Me. All of us joined together in mutual love for a game, spurred on to feverishly create our own content about it. I kept up for months on end, living by the mostly same routine for probably the longest I’ve ever stuck to anything. Eventually... things happened and the server’s gone quiet. We had problems with management, people feeling excluded, targeted, etc etc. It was a very... consequence heavy RP, most of us were almost complete newbies to the roleplaying game, and many came to care rather deeply about the ongoings of it. Perhaps too much. But, well... I’m not sure it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, I still wish I could go back to that point of my life. I know someone else who does too. Even more than me. But I know not to try and emulate the past, as alluring as it may seem. So I push forward. Leading to yet another server with its own events. Clement, myself, Rowdy, Zielo, Neue, Moddy, Vee, Mini, Nappy, Tia, Silver. Some familiar names, some new. All still with the foundation of Undertale, but it quickly became a thing for us to just... chill and talk about anything. There was real love in that place. It was at this time that I even started going to therapy! After some struggling with the family. It helped a lot.

In time, that server, too, went under. For reasons that have long since been buried and forgiven. It no longer exists, after being deleted entirely, but I’ll always remember it. And we did eventually all(mostly) gather back together someplace new, which is still being talked in. Even gaining some new additions recently! If any of you guys are catching this one, I love you!

And we come to the final and most recent group. One I wasn’t actually a founding member of, instead being a late joiner. Comparatively smaller than all the ones before, but filled with just as much love. Pip, Ding, Kink, and Cola. Remember when I mentioned happyflowey sowing seeds, and then didn’t even expound in further detail about corruptedflora? Well congratulations, you’ve reached the payoff.

It all started after I began interacting with the mun of CF, Kinko, and became mutuals with them. We usually just spam reblogged from each other on occasion for a while. That is, until I got messaged, then sent a friend request through Discord. Which, even still, didn’t immediately go anywhere. But eventually... some things led to another, and we joined up in a particular server. Not one I’ll be naming, but times were... turbulent in there. It went under and we lost contact a bit after that.

That is, until completely out of the blue, I just get invited to a server with them and some pals to just join in on Roblox shenanigans. Imagine me, sweating and anxious as hell after getting asked to join a server with two people behind blogs I adore, considering Ding was there too. Cardiac arrest, I tell you. And obviously more than just them too! But the night turned out to be so fun that I forgot I’d ever been so anxious in the first place.

From there on... the rest was history. There’s been many, MANY ups and downs, but I’ve found yet more people I love very, very dearly. And they’ve gotten me to open up about the way I feel the most. In the past years, I could never tell someone I loved them, no matter how much I really wanted to. The words just couldn’t come out, but they... they brought that out in me. And now I can say it whenever I want! Like now! I love you guys!!! So much!!!! And not just you all, but everyone else too!!! And much love to Kink especially for being a driving force behind me making this, as well as just being a goddamn star.

So... as a final ovation... LLA, CC, Bry, Drago/Paci, Pots, Silver, Donut, Quarter, Stilla, Chara, Moddy, Rowdy, Neue, Castor/Skater, Tia/Nightmare, Clement, Zielo, Vee, Nappy, Ding, Pip, Cola, and Kink. As well as some stragglers like Log, Ingrid, and Jai. I’m probably still forgetting some... but thank you all for being my friends. It’s been a long, long five years. And yet, many of you are still in my life. In at least some form. There aren’t words enough to express my gratitude towards every single one of you for the most incredible years of my life and pulling me from what can be called nothing less than the fucking abyss. You all made and continue to make life worth living.

And thank you, Undertale. The game behind all of these relationships. The game that inspired such strong feelings in me when nothing else could. That made me into an artist and writer. The reason I’m still alive. The game that changed my fucking life and will continue to affect me, I believe, for the duration of it. I really cannot overstate just how important you were and still are. There’ll never be anything else like you.

#this is probably littered with mistakes and things that didn't need to be there #Like the sheer amount of context provided for how poorly I was doing #But too late to change things now!#My brain hurts too much to bother proofreading #So take this raw and unfiltered thing and do what you will with it #Or don't #It's a rough read #Don't push yourself through it if you can't #Or simply don't want to #long post

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eeveemasters · 4 years

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hey, all you lovely people! full disclosure i talk a lot and i have thought about this character thoroughly when you look under that read more... oh boy... just a heads up. anywho... guess i’m the last here i see, well, that’s typical. I’m late to literally everything, although this time I do have a good excuse. i’d tell you what it is but you don’t really wanna read about me gettin’ it in all weekend and drew is my bro -like literally. we share blood. we came outta the same womb. 26 hours of labor. 19 minutes apart. our poor mother- so he def doesn’t wanna read about it and that is a swill of information about me before ya even know my name which says a lot, doesn’t it? inst-y-ways, I’m maddie and I’m Jewish, you’ll figure out why i’m putting that out there now. also hello again. i hope y’all are ready to get this party started, cause this is where it’s at! look below & hit that read more and I will tell you all about my baby girl, Eevee.

TW: DEATH, DEPRESSION, STALKER, MURDER, KIDNAPPING

★ ━ ( candice patton, cis-female, she/her ) ━ ★ just to be clear, ya didn’t get this information from me. The person you’re lookin’ for is EVELYN LUCIA MASTERS. also known as EEVEE. Last I heard she was born on APRIL 7TH, 1988 in SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS, but she’s been livin’ in RICHMOND, for about EIGHT MONTHS. Word around the districts is, this doll, EEVEE can be VENGEFUL, SELF-RIGHTEOUS, & A KNOW-IT-ALL, but i gotta tell, ya, alls I seen is good things, like the fact that she’s RESILIENT, CHARISMATIC, & ENERGETIC. I guess that depends on how well ya know ‘em, though. the last thing ya need to know is that she works as an A-LIST ACTRESS & CO-OWNER OF EXCALIBUR COMICS. I don’t know much about what that’s all about but I do know that’s all I can tell ya the rest you gotta find out on ya, own. ━ ( ooc: maddie, pst, 28, she/her )

Evelyn Lucia Masters.

the irony of her name is that it means “wished for child”

she was definitely not.

hence why she goes by...

Eevee.

Yes, like the Pokemon.

No, it’s not a stage name or a gimmick.

She legally changed her name.

It’s on her credit card. ( so are kittens! )

Born in San Antonio Texas.

Jewish, Bisexual & Very Proud.

Collette Rivers

Her mother.

One of the first and few Black, Soap Opera stars.

Had a wildly popular sitcom for a hot minute.

Career was on fire in the 80′s & 90′s.

Transitioned to clothing designer and eventually a reality tv real housewife when she couldn’t get jobs anymore.

Joseph Masters.

Her Father.

a former actor

was very well known for CSI.

was on broadway.

became a sought after director.

it’s a whole family in the biz, so of course...

@ two years of age, Eevee became an Actress™

baby diaper commercials with her mom.

then singing lessons.

then dance lessons.

then pageants.

more commercials.

a bit of child modeling.

more commercials.

reoccurring kid on sesame street.

then a reoccurring (but not staring) role on Gullah Gullah Island.

1998. She’s 10.

lands a role on Broadway opposite Leon Thomas III as Nala in The Lion King.

this is the jumping-off point of her career. where it really shot off

but ignoring that for a minute...

Eevee has 5 other siblings.

4 of them are alive.

when Eevee was 15 she’d just gotten season 1st ( and eventually only ) season of her Disney show renewed and she had a stalker. on her 16th birthday, the stalker snuck into her sweet 16, cornered her when she and her older, brother Elias were alone, stabbed Elias, and kidnapped Eevee. Elias was rushed to the hospital when they found him but died shortly after. They found Eevee, recovered her from the stalker unharmed, but when she asked about Elias... shortly after Eevee sunk deeper into her depression, and also suffered from survivors’ guilt and eventually had to stay in a mental hospital and was released a year later, a few days after her 17th birthday. being in the real world was hard for her and in a few weeks time, became legally emancipated from her parents because her father had taken control of monitoring her finances, her decisions, and became too controlling of her schedule and time out of his concern for her and her mother acted like none of it happened and expected Eevee to pick up where she left off and to get more jobs and keep working. It was an environment detrimental to her health and sanity so she had to get out of that and got her own place and moved away from her parents and unfortunately, her twin sister and younger brother.

Took a break from acting to finish high school.

had to have private tutors

excelled at the school aspect of her life.

had very few friends but she did have a girlfriend.

eventually, Eevee broke up with her

to seize her 5 minutes of fame she outted Eevee as a lesbian to TMZ.

It didn’t take long for Eevee to speak out.

At 17, in 2005, Eevee came out publically as Bisexual.

as a Black 17-year-old girl she was proud of herself.

but it did not go well for her in the media or in magazines.

didn’t help what little career she had left.

but she also kinda didn’t care

Became known for outspoken activism for LGBTQ+ youth.

Started her own charity and outreach program to finance and help struggling youth in the LGBTQ+ community by providing them with shelter, food, and treatment for health issues both mental and physical.

went to college...

Northwestern State University.

joined the Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority

double-majored in theater and business

got married to one of her best friends at one point to help him out with his financial situation.

graduated with degrees.

and real friends in and out of her sorority.

WORKED HER ASS OFF TO GET HER CAREER BACK ON TRACK.

it took a lot of hard work.

a lot of mediocre jobs.

a lot of auditions.

a lot of shmoozing & playing the long game.

she pulled every single string

cashed every single favor

ate a lot of shit.

including going to her mother whom she hadn’t spoken to in six years.

EVENTUALLY ROSE BACK TO THE A-LIST WITH A VENGENCE.

Several Independent Films.

Supporting roles in TV shows.

Supporting roles in a few movies.

Starring roles in a number of pilots that never got greenlit.

Starring roles in 2 tv shows.

one was canceled the first season.

the other had THREE SEASONS.

won an Emmy

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

landed a few ad campaigns

Eevee went back to Broadway a few times over the years.

Bring It On: The Musical

played Danielle

won a tony

Best Featured Actress in a Musical.

Newsies: The Musical

played Katherine.

dream come true.

Hadestown

played Eurydice.

nominated for a Tony.

The Lion King

played adult Nala.

life coming full circle.

Currently stars in her own Netflix show.

season 2 just finished filming which is why she has moved to Portland.

PERSONALITY:

very much a complete dork. loves video games, loves comic books, has a lot of memorabilia all through her house, it’s practically a dork museum, always telling puns. always joking. always been an adorable ray of sunshine. she really likes to be a light and enforce positivity for her friends and others.

talks far too much for her own good especially when she’s nervous.

very kind, generous, and loving, always willing to help a friend.

always willing to cook for someone as a way to comfort them. She’s a well-versed home chef and an excellent baker.

she’s in-between the vodka aunt and the mom friend. she’s the first to suggest doing shots and getting fucked up, but she’ll also make sure everyone’s okay and be responsible.

She’s that friend who if you fuck with one of her friends in any way she will go into protective mamma bear mode and straight-up end that person for you. if you need someone to back you up in a fight, literally, and have your back she is your girl.

she isn’t great at flirting or really being around anyone she finds attractive, she turns into a rambling, nonstop talking, pile of adorable.

up until the end of December last year, she was a virgin. She’s only ever slept with one person so she’s not really the sleep around kind of girl but respects those who do, you do you boo, but also please don’t mistake her for a relationship type girl either. she’s neither. she’s great at fooling around and hookups that usually stop before they get to the sex part. she’s actually just very awkward when it comes to intimacy and feelings and getting close to people in that way. It fucks with her anxiety so she just needs someone who can get her out of her head and that is very hard to find for her.

She’s a feminist and believes women should be there to support each other, but also is aware that feminism isn’t always equal and some women don’t include her as a woman to support because she is a woman of color and because she’s Black and will call someone out on their white feminist or anti-black bullshit.

she’s kind but is in no way a pushover. she’s very opinionated and steadfast and isn’t afraid to reason with someone and argue with them and stand up for herself.

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS:

Friends: people who can put up with her non-stop chatter and find it endearing.

Fake Friends: people who are using her for fame, recognition and what her name can do for them.

Crushes: could be one-sided, could be both-sided, let’s talk about it.

Boxing Friendship: sparing partners, or someone who sees her at the boxing gym in her workout outfits that include but is not limited to color-coordinated custom gloves, that match both her outfit, her shoes, her gym bag and the giant cheerleading bow on the top of her high ponytail, but has never actually stuck around to see her box so don’t believe she can throw an actual punch because they can’t take that seriously, because she’s just a pretty little celebrity what can she actually do, but then one day end up in an argument with her and challenge her to a sparring match and to their surprise kicks their ass and they become sparring partners. I don’t know, clearly I haven’t given that plot much thought.

Step-family member: Eevee doesn’t have a relationship with her mom, but she is aware the woman got married to another woman who has kids when Eevee was 19 or so. She’s never met any of them. Never spoken to any of them. Never been invited to family functions. Knows full well they exist and they know full well she exists and they have actually hung out with other members of her family, just not her. So that sounds like awkward and traumatic fun for all involved right?? Bring the angst.

Fellow Actors: They could be real friends, could be fake friends, could have worked together, could just know of each other, could be a publicity friendship, dude, I don’t know.

Fans / Haters: like her work or don’t like her work???????????? I don’t know I’m just throwing stuff out there at this point.

I don’t know we’ll figure something out, I AM PUMPED AND EXCITED!!

#pb:intro #pb:ooc #death tw #depression tw #murder tw #stalker tw #kidnapping tw

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