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#and ppl say oh ur so passionate abt what u do. and i go brittle bc it doesnt feel like passion it feels like the symptom of an illness
opens-up-4-nobody
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1 year
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#sometimes i feel like my brain is disintegrating in my head. coming apart like a lump of paper in a pool of water
#it comes with this weird feeling of vertigo. like i turn my head and my thoughts are spinning too fast. they keep going despite my standing
#still. its also a but when you start drinking something and when u stop your thoughts r hazy and ur breathing is heavy
#maybe thats not a universal experience. sometimes when i stop i realize ive slipped half out of my body
#and now im stumbling from day to day trying desperately to remember all the things im supposed to be managing
#but there are these big holes in my brain. like im missing chunks of grey matter. the bits that would let me stop and start things
#i dunno. when im taking measurements i have this image of myself on my knees holding the fragrance pieces of my life together as they
#crumble thru my fingers and my insides shrivle away from the walls that contain them. i go hollow like a gord
#and ppl say oh ur so passionate abt what u do. and i go brittle bc it doesnt feel like passion it feels like the symptom of an illness
#i dont care. im just trying to burn the hours away. make time vanish. and for what? what am i building toward? i have an answer that i give
#interviewers but i dunno i never thought id make it this far. but here we r. unhappy and lacking in purpose. its just that this last year
#was so weird bc about a year ago i burned out so hard that i never recovered and it just got worse and worse. i feel now that ive stopped
#the bleeding at least but the bitterness is still there. still infecting my words and curving my spine around the injury
#and in theory i understand the path to healing but its hard when im just so. i dont even kno. angry? im not mad but the word feels right
#but i dunno what id be angry about. maybe im just sick of empty tasks and not caring. i used to have passion and enthusiasm now i just feel
#fragile and hurt. bracing for pain. and that makes me so sad. i wish i could go out into the woods and wander. just breathe
#but no. instead ill start another day identical to 100 others and hope to keep my head above the surface bc im sick of swallowing sea water
#anyway. itll b fine. hopefully this week i can commit to a program. hopefully. another program halfway across the country. this time
#vertically. landing me still 2 time zones from home. but hopefully there i can breathe a little. maybe. hopefully. well see
#unrelated
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