#and she enables them both to hell and back while being a complete wild card in her own right

[teamfortresstwo]

Honestly I don’t see Vel as being their daughter at alll-

[mavmax]

Strange Love (Part I) | Maverick & Sooyun

When: Tuesday, January 19th

Where: Somewhere in Ocean Park. 

Warnings: Drugs, Alcohol

Featuring: @sooyunjeong​

sooyun felt exhausted keeping up the appearance of Eric's supposed girlfriend, which was probably why she found herself at a party that was being held just to get away from the annoying questions and looks of her stealing Eric away. In her defense, Lexa should have made a move on Eric instead of beating around the bush. But it was sort of her fault for sending that selfie to her through Eric's phone while he was passed out.  She shot back the shot and cringed at the taste, vodka wasn't her strong suit but it was the only drink that she could rely on that wouldn't give her a terrible hangover. After the performance, Sooyun left the band behind and ended up at this party where she knew no one, everyone clearly were far different from her social circle. The young girl leaned against the wall and felt the vibration against her body, maybe she shouldn't have taken those drugs. Opening her eyes and squinting as she recoginize the face and that smile anywhere.     "Maverick Maxwell!" Sooyun yelled out, pointing at him as she pushed herself away from the wall and grinned cheekily, "What are you doing here?"

Maverick knew not to pass up any party invitation in Santa Monica, although this one, he almost considered passing up to shoot some hoops to get his mind off the stress that Lexa practically radiated the whole weekend. He needed to let loose, and so, he called up a few of his college buddies, pre-gamed and smoked a blunt--or three, and now here he was crossfaded as all hell and taking shots as if they were water. He mingled throughout the party, making casual conversation from everything to crazy ragers in the past to a recent performance that Maverick had zero clue about, but was bummed out that he missed. He always liked local bands performing. As he made his way to grab himself some snacks from the back, he heard a voice that made his whole body whip around. "Well, well, well, what do we have here!" Maverick smiled making his way over to none other than Soo-yun. "The host invited me and a few of the boys. What're you doing here?"

"I got invited as well," she shrugged her shoulders, she don't even remember who it was that dragged her here but they left her behind as she wander off and made friends left and right. "At least now I know someone around here, I kept getting asked questions and I never know how to hold a decent conversation before running away." Sooyun tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear and grinned, "Did you go to the concert? If so, I didn't see you, I can't even see when I am on stage so there's that." Someone tapped her shoulder as they passed by to wave, in turn, she waved back unaware on who they were due to the fact half the time she doesn't even remember their names, might've been one of the parties she went too in the past. "There's talk of the after after party--who knew people can party for so long."

"Damn, looks like you roll deep around here. Small ass world," He chuckled. With Santa Monica being as big as it is, there was no surprise that people's circles would often intermingle, if they played their cards right of course. "I mean shit, that's what I'm saying cause my boys all disappeared within the first hour and shit. And honestly, conversations can be weird. I like to keep 'em light, talk about different parties, ixnay on politics, spot another person, wave and respectfully dip," He explained with a wry grin. "Wait, there was a concert? Shit...no, I didn't go. Had I known, I definitely would've gone. It's been a while since I've seen local bands play with basketball and shit," He responded honestly. She effortlessly mingled well with people and Maverick had to admit he was pretty impressed, well--he wouldn't mention that now with the haze settling upon him. "That's what I was hearing too! Like damn, you guys really want to party til the break of dawn, huh? Pretty fuckin' wild," He laughed. "Are you going to the after after party?" He asked curiously.

"Yeah there was, it wasn't planned but they needed a band to cover and I figured why the hell not, so hence here I am. Lost my band mates but it's fine, good thing a thing called Lyft is available incase I have to somehow hobble my ass home or sleep with someone." She said out loud, the downside of being intoxicated it appeared the things she normally kept shut was coming to surface, "But on another note, I might...I really don't want to go home and I really don't want to answer any more questions about Eric." Sooyun didn't mind questions about herself but when it came to the supposed relationship, she couldn't come up with anymore lies and the fact Eric wasn't helping by shutting out the world in his dream state, Sooyun was left to deal with the domino affect and dodge questions left and right. She quickly grabbed a plastic red cup and started mixing her own drink, something that would numb the stress. "Also you should go bug Eric sometime...he is practically sleeping his life away at this point."

"Ahhhh, okay. Makes sense. Impromptu gigs are the shit. You show up, surprise the audience, do your thing and wow everyone. I mean, that's what's up, you know? As for the rest of your evening, well, there's a bunch of hotties to go around, so..." Mav chuckled as he looked around at the word "hotties". Last thing he needed was to take a drunken L, least he could do was pretend to be slightly uninterested compared to his sober self, although his sober self was currently taking notes now. "Well, you could either hide out at the next party and scope out to see where there'll be less people or wind up at Onyx?" He added with a shrug. He managed to block out the mention of Eric, probably because he eyed the bottle of tequila and as much as he hated the taste, here he was, reaching over for it, unscrewing the cap and taking a swig from it. Future him is going to hate himself tomorrow. At the mention of Eric again, he chuckled at the thought of him sleeping. "Homeboy sleeps like a bear. Plus, his phone's prolly on DND. I'd say Lexa could get to him, but she's been busy with CEO business and shit. When he wakes up though, we'll prolly go get some gimbap or something."

She knew mention Eric was a low blow, she seen those posts on GG, she didn't think Maverick would actually be that interested in her after the many times she shot him down. She figured that he would move on with ease or maybe she just assumed all that due to her ex who in a way was similar to Maverick but standing here before him, realizing they were completely different sure they shared the confidence of flirting but now Sooyun was able to see that Maverick wasn't anything like her ex. "Yeah he does, which I was surprised but hey...everyone has their niche." Sooyun shrugged, her eyes widening at Maverick drinking the tequila, "Uh...you really think that's a good idea? Tequila doesn't sit well with most people. Not that I should be telling you how to act but I really don't want to drag you out of here, I may act strong but I have no muscles."

While the mention of Eric and Sooyun sucked for the time being, he was able to bounce back fairly quickly, as if he were unscathed. The one thing that's swirled in his mind is that Sooyun's rejected his advances prior anyways, so at the end of the day, the sting lessened. However, he was definitely confused as hell now that Sooyun seemed happy to be conversing with him at the moment. It almost gave him some sort of hope. "I'm pretty sure he can sleep through a tsunami warning at this point. I envy his sleeping pattern, that's for sure," He admitted with a laugh. It would be the only envy he'd admit out loud given his state, too. "Oh this? It went down pretty smoothly, so y'know, that won't be too bad. I was gonna grab some food anyways so the effects of the tequila won't hit too hard," He reassured her with a laugh. "You game to grab some food too?" He offered cautiously.

The mention of food made her realize she hasn't even eaten dinner nor lunch, all the nerves enabling her to eat a decent meal without puking. "Depends...are you going to hunt through said kitchen or are we going to grab an uber because I don't know about you...but now after seeing you take that tequila like a champ, I want to one you up on shots." Sooyun knew that this was a terrible choice especially now she realizes she's drinking on an empty stomach but the fact she was high and about to be even more intoxicated, it just didn't mesh well from the first time around she done this. "Let's see...how about...four shots, make it even. Four for you and four for me...make a toast or whatever." She waved her hand as she grabbed mini plastic shot glasses and grabbed the tequila from Maverick, pouring them the shots and set it between them. "Oh we can even spice it up...if you can't take a shot, you have to make a confession. So...eight shots." That math didn't make any sense but at this point, Sooyun didn't care.

"Yeah, I was gonna check the kitchen first and if there wasn't shit, then we'd grab and Uber and go wherever we felt like eating at,"he shrugged. "You really want to challenge me to shots?" He asked, a devious smirk curling on his lips. Maverick knew very damn well that he was playing with fire at this point. Sure, he took a swig without wincing or making a face, but this was about to be torture...but the thing about Maverick Maxwell was that he never backed down from a challenge, especially from someone as gorgeous as Sooyun. "Bet, you're on," He said with a nod. His crossfaded mind tried to do the math in his head as best as he could. Eight shots between the both of them was bound to fuck them up. "Like truth or dare? Okay, I see the vision here," He said as he watched Sooyun pouring the tequila into each of the shot glasses. Taking one of the shots and handing Sooyun hers, he smirked. "Bottoms up," and threw the first shot back.

Sooyun knew she was about to die, almost like her body knew what she was about to be put into the next day, she tried to pay much mind to it as she squeezed her eyes tightly together and threw the shot back. Cringing as the taste went down smoothly, with a burning trail as a reminder for what she was doing to herself. "Jesus...I swear tequila never gets any easier," she mumbled to herself and wiped the back of her hand against her mouth, looking up at Maverick and laughed, "Another? Or do you want to use one of your truth or dares already?" She teased him, flipping the shot glass upside down onto the table, the sound around them muffled as her attention was solely on Maverick. To think she managed to hide her attraction to him sober but now that sobriety was out the window, it was as if she was a whole different person.

It was official that both he and Sooyun signed their death sentences tonight. Tomorrow was going to be incredibly brutal and he was already mentally blocking out his hangover stage because it was going to be a bitch. The taste of the tequila was smooth but the familiar back of the throat burn was what nearly threw him off, he had to silently smile at his poker face behind it. "No going back now. Despite the back of the throat burn," He teased with a laugh. He met Sooyun's gaze again and nodded. "You're not getting me that easy," he responded with an eyebrow wiggle as he set down his shot glass upside down. He liked that it was just them two playing their own little game, drowning out the rest of the world with just them and tequila. It was beginning to get harder to pretend that he wasn't as interested in her, but that would be a problem for later Maverick. He took his own shot again, throwing it back with a smirk and flipping his upside down. "Just like water," he bragged with a laugh.

"Here I thought you would be weak," she laughed, making a mental note to drink water before she passes out later, but she doubt she would even remember that simple task. "Another then," she grinned as she reached for the second glass and held his out towards him, flashing him a flirtatious smirk, raising the glass and throwing it back, coughing at the burning taste. Sooyun realized the next round she might have to use one of her own truth or dare at this point, especially because she wasn't taking a break between each shots and the thing about tequila, it was worse than vodka, it will creep up and bite her in the ass. She just hoped no one would report what they see tonight towards GG, it was hard enough to not slip up when she was out in public with Eric, she also knew it was hard for him which was why he stayed home and kept his phone on DND to avoid confrontation.

"You severely underestimate me, Soo," He winked, the flirtation slowly creeping back in on him as much as his sober self tried to reign it back in. At this point, all bets were off. Although, he was beginning to think that the impulsive Gatorade vibe would save his life tomorrow morning. At the second shot, the burn was slightly stronger than the last, a clear warning sign for him to slow the fuck down before things got ugly too soon. When he heard Sooyun's cough, he was relieved. At least now they could truth or dare it out because there was no way both of them in the current states that they were in, that they'd make it out in one piece. He pondered what he could confess about, it had to be something small, yet, somewhat meaningful, but still not enough to scratch the surface. Last thing he needed was to confess he practically shut off all emotion about Sooyun so he could move on quicker. "I guess we're gonna have to use that truth or dare card," He chuckled. "Tequila's getting more bitter by the shot, don't you think?

"More like it's death in each shot I throw back," Sooyun grimaced as she reached for the mix drink she made for herself and took a drink to somehow wash out the taste. Mixing alcohol was probably not the best idea but at the moment it definitely helped. "Okay...I guess since I was the one to tap out, you can ask me the magical words of truth or dare." She caved in, letting Mav take the first round since she practically came up with this stupid game in the first place.

"I'm so glad I wasn't the first to admit that," He teased with a laugh. "You're right though, I'll give you that," Maverick tried not to look at the tequila shots as he tried reaching towards the fruit bowl. Finally, sustenance. Grabbing two apples, he handed one to Sooyun and kept one for himself, taking a bite out of it. "I guess so, huh?" He smirked. "Alright Sooyun, truth or dare," He asked coyly.

Sooyun realized her mistake on the fact she was probably going to have this game backfire in her face now that she could either pick truth and having to say something true from his question or dare where he could possibly have her embarass herself. She rolled her eyes, "Dare...not about to spill any secrets just yet," she giggled, waiting to hear his dare for her.

Maverick took another bite of his apple waiting for Sooyun's response. A big smile graced his features as he knew very damn well she was going to play hard to get in this round. "How'd I know that's what you were going to pick?" He teased with a knowing look. "Okay, I dare you to, take off your bra and use it as a hat now, if you don't have a bra...I'm sorry to say, you might have to use your panties as a hat for the night," He challenged.

gaping at him and his words, she assumed he would choose some silly dare not this sort of dare, laughing lightly, "Now what if I wasn't wearing any panties...then what." Sooyun challenged Maverick, of course she was wearing underwear, she wasn't that adventurous and even if she was, she wouldn't admit to anything unless the person she was sleeping with took her clothes off. "Good thing I wore a bra that is easy to slip off," she rolled her eyes as she placed the apple in her mouth to hold and reached behind to unclip it, doing the whole slipping the bra off and out of her sleeve to pull out a soft pink bra and place on her head. "Gotta make sure not to lose this, you know how much bras cost? Which is ridiculous for a tiny piece of cloth.

He couldn't help but laugh at Sooyun's reaction to his dare. Mav knew he wasn't going to make it that easy for her, after all, it wouldn't be him if it was. "The backup plan was charm someone's shirt off to wear it as a head wrap, but that's pretty mild compared to the original," He explained with a grin. He watched the whole ordeal and the one thing he had to admit was girls really had their own tricks on getting bras off without getting their shirts off. He was going to make a note of what Sooyun did--for science. "Don't worry, with a color that pink, it'll be hard to miss," He teased. "Guess that means it's your turn."

[stuprosu]

august 17th, 2017 10:38 PM

this is my first post of 2017. how fucking wild. so much has happened. i can do it by month, i am guessing? but i need to create a record. i need to write down my thoughts. lately, it has become too much, to think. i am angry all the time. 

so, the last post was in november? i guess we’ll start in december, then, dear diary. it’s gonna be a long one.

[december] nothing too wild happened this month. final grades, wild snowstorms driving home. decent grades, no cuts, but they were still healing, noticeable. christmas, coming home for the holidays, almost a month off of school. got a new jacket. things between mom and i were /good/. i splurged on her for christmas. i genuinely loved her then. 

[january] school started back up again. these were genuinely good months. classes were fine. only stresses were grades and finding a job. little luck with applications. hung out with renee and cade all the time, every day. new friends, more board game club. things were genuinely good. came home most weekends to see family. didn’t really notice anything deteriorate. i wasn’t around, though. cuts are healing fine. 

[february] things are still grand. still don’t have a job but it helped me balance what money i had. went without groceries but you don’t need those. i guess the first descent into madness was cade dropping out of school. i love her so much and she left to be with her mom. i understood. but i cried a lot. i missed her so much. i still miss her. but i still had renee. nothing else major went on. nothing on jobs. no new cuts

[march] then, the only thing wrong with march was cade’s absence and the lack of a job. but i wasn’t home to see what was going on. dad got poison ivy really bad. mom’s highly allergic so he slept on the couch. mom started working out heavily. thing about my mom is she’s “disabled”. blames her handicapped on a car wreck 20 years ago that fucked up her nerves and gave her RSD. maybe that part’s true. but we’ve spent the last 10 years taking care of her. well, my brothers, garryck (17) and toby (13) and my dad have taken care of her. fixing all her meals, picking up shit she drops, bringing her her blanket, paying for all of her medicine. waiting on her hand and foot. after her ketamine infusions and her peak of addiction to pain killers, my mom had a commode set up in her room. my father would wipe her ass for her. change tampons. horrendous, awful shit that you only do for the ones you love without hesitation. my father is so in love with my mother. it breaks my heart. but yeah, enough history. march, dad starts sleeping on the couch for poison ivy. march, i apply for a job at a local library. i get an interview. i get the job. i start in april.

[april] i work now alongside my classes. only two weeks of class anyways. work is good, keeps me busy. still clinging to renee. dad is still sleeping on couch, though the poison ivy is gone. they dodge my questions of why. the love i have for my mother is dissipating. that love is such a fragile thing, between my mother and i. my family always took care of her, but i never did. i never did anything for her. she was a burden, a nuisance, and inconvenience and a waste of my time and would eventually die. she manipulated my family into doing things she could do herself. she was enabled. enabled over and over again. but never by me. which is why our relationship plummeted, never was positive. 

i suffered the verbal abuse, the attacks after her highs on pain meds, or lack of, or a combination of those and the bipolar and just our ticking bomb of a fight that we woke with every morning. my dad would defend me. middle school was worst. 2013 was bad. even my sister was dragged in, asking me if i had my headphones on so i couldn’t hear the horrible, awful things my mother said about me. i lied. there was no music playing. i heard it all. i can’t remember what now, but perhaps i’ve suppressed it. perhaps it’s killing tiny parts of me still today. maybe i’m being melodramatic. maybe i’m not being dramatic enough. 

but. this love i accumulated for my mother during those first six months of college. peaking in december. every mistreatment towards my father chips away. chips away, now that i look back, on everything. everything. april, i think, danielle had her mom, mary, ask my mom for danielle’s tablet back, that i had. i never properly paid her. we’re poor and forgetful, and it’s been since 2014 that i’ve had this tablet. danielle is just being petty. i told my mom to tell mary i don’t know where the tablet is. my mom knows i still use this tablet. i don’t ask her what she tells mary. this information is relevant. 

[may] here comes the hell month. the height of my horror. the height of destruction. dear reader, you probably have a guess what is about to happen. everyone is in a tizzy. my dear brother is graduating highschool. he is awarded the alumni scholarship. posts of love and adoration on facebook from not one, but both parents. something i could have never achieved. i think i got a card, a hug. some permission for an ear piercing. regardless, i know the difference. but i love my brother and my father too much to cause a stir. 

my brother has always been my mother’s favorite, but i don’t really care about her opinion. i’ve never held it in high regard. this is why i tell her important things. her thoughts do not scare me; her reactions, her feelings. they don’t affect me as my father or my aunt’s might. anyways. little brother graduates. all the proper family comes and gifts exchanged. all is well. i believe it was may seventeenth. my aunt came up to watch one of toby’s baseball games. my sister was there. it got rained out. we came home with pizza and my brothers, my sister, my aunt and my parents all killed each other. my aunt knew weeks prior. had stayed the night the day before. the night before i told her my worries. my dad had lost his job. we had lost our insurance. my knee hurt to walk on and i didn’t want to go to the doctor because we were so poor and had no money for trivial things like doctors. my aunt, as she always does, always has, reassured me. told me i would always be taken care of, no matter what. she told me she’d always love me, always. 

she loved my brothers and i like her own children. when my mother was at her sickest, my aunt stepped in after she checked out. my aunt was phenomenal despite all the horrible shit she has been through. she has the most amazing and loving and accepting heart. i have never known anybody else in my entire love to love me as openly and as fiercely as she does. as zusak said. she steps on my heart. she makes me cry. but in the best ways. but what did my aunt know, you ask? she knew about my mother’s intentions. she knew why my mother was exercising and losing weight, her newest diets and protein shakes, her sudden purchase of a car. well, my father’s sudden purchase of a car. we didn’t need another car. my mother got her driver’s license. and then my father lost his job. and her sudden revamp on life came to a halt. but, after my brother graduated, she started right up again. and now it is the seventeenth. i wouldn’t get full marks for chronological placement if this were a paper, i’ll tell you that. i don’t care. you get the point. but here’s the bombshell. we are sitting in the living room, us all. my father tells us, “there’s no other way to put this. *good minute of silence* your mother and i are getting a divorce.”

that’s your big reveal? your secret, lex? yeah yeah, shut up. tons of kids have parents that get divorced. my own sister has divorced parents. ashlee, 25 now. half sister, share the same mom. she understands more than the boys. my mom never treated her well, either. blamed my sister, at 15, for wanting to live with her dad. practically abused her. partied during her infancy and dumped ashlee on her ex-husband. things i never knew, things my sister told me. things that watered the gnarly old tree that embodied that feeling of hatred towards my mother. but. we talked about the divorce, us all. my youngest brother and i cried. my mom cried at seeing us cry. i was angry about stupid shit then, and not the actual cause. i was going to miss the nuclear family, the complete celebrated holidays and birthdays and not having to shuttle around on thanksgiving or how to make one parent happy without hurting the other. i knew what came with a divorce and i didn’t want it. i wanted one thing of stability. college wasn’t stable, relationships aren’t stable, few things were. my family, my car, my cat. 

i needed these things. but one of these things i couldn’t rely on. i could no long rely on that whole family unit, the unification of my parents in the hardships of life. instead, i got to ask my father while my mother stepped out to smoke if he wanted the marriage, if this was all mutual. i watched my father choke back his tears and tell me it wouldn’t be fair if he explained. he later told my sister he did not want the divorce and that he was still in love with my mother. he didn’t need to tell me. his tears confirmed it. my aunt held me. but everything was unraveling. everything. and i told them something i haven’t even recorded here in these entries. 

i need to be more honest. college was fun, but i struggled. i struggled a lot. i don’t know why i decided to carve into my thighs with that rusted boxcutter. it wasn’t sharp enough for one solid, smooth cut. i had to drag that point over a cut and over a cut and over a cut and over a cut until it was finally deep enough that it bleed and i could make that trench longer in my own skin. cuts in the shower and in the bathroom and i never allowed them to heal. no, the long scabs came peeling off and i pulled them off despite the pain. but after a while i didn’t notice. i don’t know why i began. it baffles me still. it’s not a coping mechanism. i still haven’t cut myself since december. but. i told my family. and they didn’t know how to deal. my mom suggested therapy. my dad remained silent. he has never spoken about it. never. my sister has a few times. but. i couldn’t remain in that house. i had days off work. 

i went back with my aunt and we talked for a good, long while. about everything. the divorce, the cutting, my depression and religion and past marriages and the future and our lives and how much we fucking loved each other so much that i cried at her words, at being loved so fervently and without hesitation. i love her so much. i don’t know how i’d make it through all of this without her. but i come back home. my aunt has reassured me once more that the divorce will make my parents better people, happier people. i believe her. my mom looks for a place to move. i go to work. dad finds a job. garryck works. mom doesn’t. mom exercises. mom is moody. the 24th of may i get curious. i want to know what happened between my mom and mary, danielle’s mother, and the conversation had about the tablet. my mom left her laptop open and unlocked. i open facebook. i look for the conversation with mary bailey. i cannot find it. all the conversations are only two or so months old. my mom has had her facebook since 2007 and i know she’s kept inboxes. 

i’ve been a filthy snoop before, but never more than 2 or 3 minutes. this is different. the top two most recent conversations are both from men i do not know. one of the conversations mentions my siblings and i. i click on it. they are from a brad letts. he is asking how the kids took the divorce. my mom replied with “my boys are shaken but fine but my girls aren’t talking to me, which is expected.” who is this man and why is he asking about my siblings and i and the divorce? who the fuck? i scroll up to see previous conversations. i see sexts. i see explicit sexts. my mother and this man have been sexting each other for weeks, maybe more. there’s only so much i can allow myself to read. my mother is a filthy cheating whore. my parents have not divorced yet. the vows are still active. i go back to the inbox and click on the other man who i don’t recognize. less tame. but my mother sends him sexual pictures, flirtatious, clearly wanting to go and see him. he lives in california. i kept their names in a memo on my phone. i know these two men’s names and the date i found out. i am enraged. i exit out of facebook. i clear the history. i put the correct window back up. i move the mouse back to its position. 

i let this knowledge fester within me. i am beyond angry. my mother hurt the man i love the most in this world for some shitty fucking guys on facebook. men who know that she is married and has children. my mother is a filthy, cheating, lying bitch who broke the heart of the man who would walk the ends of the earth for her and back and there and back again and again. my mother can fucking die in a hole. as far as i am concerned, she is not my mother. 

[june] i wreck my car on the 12th. some asshole put gravel on asphalt and i spun out and hit a tree. i sell it for 250 bucks. i buy another for 425. it’s dirty and smells but it does the trick for now. this is getting to become a chore to type this all out. but i have to finish. i need to express. i don’t know when memorial day was. i think it was may. oh well, we’ll list it under june. we went down to kansas city, my brothers and dad and i, to visit my grandparents. they asked us how we were handling the divorce. my grandmother is angry with my mom. i am angry with my mom. it is a good combination. we both rant about my mother. i don’t tell her anything major, just what my grandmother already knows. we come back that night. my dad has a vet friend down there that gave us food for our dogs, cats, and ferrets, and even flea treatments. we’re still pretty poor so we accept it. the vet friend is an old friend of dad’s, back in highschool. my dad goes into see my mom. he closes the door. they begin yelling. my mom accuses my dad of cheating with this vet friend. my dad tells her that amy, the vet friend, has never been his girlfriend and never will be. my mom accuses my dad of breaking his vows. my mom knows that romances now are breaking the vows. she is a filthy filthy hypocrite. she can fuck off. i hate her projecting. it was after the 12th that i told my sister about my mom. it was over the phone, casual mention. and i elaborate. and we’re both raging. we’re both angry. we need to tell my aunt. my aunt is the only person on this earth that knows my mom and knows my dad. my aunt is my mother’s sister. her name is shanna, the one that loves me so much. the closest thing i’ve had to a mother. june and july blur together. 

[july] the 12th of july i take my brother’s car (i did not purchase my new one yet) and go to leavenworth. the night previously i had told toby that i was going to leavenworth. i didn’t think he would tell my mom, but he did. the next day, my mom asks what i’m going to do in leavenworth. an easy lie. just going to hang out with ashlee, go to dinner, you know. we didn’t go to dinner. we went to my cousin’s breawna’s house, my aunt shanna’s daughter. my sister tells bre what my mom has done. i am going to tell my aunt. we sit down and i tell her. i tell her everything. my aunt is enraged. she knows one of the men. she, my mom, and him have been friends since highschool, apparently. my aunt is angry at herself, for thinking that her sister was genuinely getting better for her own sake, but in all actuality it was just a guy. my aunt has to go outside. she can’t go outside. everytime she tries, she comes back in and says something else about how angry she is. finally she gets outside to smoke. she comes back in and we talk for a while about everything. they tell me how my dad cared for my mom when she was sick, how my aunt cared for her, how everybody was manipulated by her. i cry because it hearts my heart so much, how after everything my dad did, it is just thrown back in his face like it was nothing. seventeen years, down the drain. 

but i have to keep a smile. i have to save face. the plan is for me to confront my mom. to tell her what i know. my aunt will be there to make sure my mom does not verbally or physically attack me. then, i will give my mother an ultimatum. tell my dad about the cheating or i will tell him in my words. we haven’t done that yet, but i need to. christ, i need to. i cannot deal with my mother sharing pictures on facebook, how she’s become a better woman by cutting off the poison, how she’s been horribly heartbroken but now she’s risen from the ashes. all the negativity most definitely directed towards my father. everyone can see it. my aunt and my sister know, even my 13 year old brother has confided this to me. my mother moved out of our house july 28th. a few days before, we drove to atchison together to look at her new house. god, i smile looking back on this. she asks me how i am handling the divorce. i say fine, just dealing with it. she begins to cry. she says she doesn’t know what comes next. she has only been a wife and mother for 25 years, half of her life. she doesn’t know what to be now. she is crying in the seat next to me. she looks at me. she tells me she is afraid that her moving and the divorce will have an affect on our relationship, that she will never get to see me and that what we had will be gone. i assure her that won’t happen and that i’ll always be around. 

i am a good liar.

it brings me solace, knowing how i can completely and utterly destroy my mother’s life after she ruined my father’s and mine. i will make her known. i will stop my father from sending her money. i will keep anybody from giving a shit about her. they’ll know you, liar. i used to regret my actions. but know this now. 

i am relieved.

i have an excuse to cut you away, you're poisonous and wretched. you were nothing but a burden and a blight and you can rot with that dog i bought in that house the government bought. you are the definition of a parasite and a leech. keep your prayers. and you want a relationship with me?

[august] my sister goes to my cousin’s baby shower. my mother is there. the two exchange pleasantries. my mother informs my sister that she believes i am smoking pot. she tells my sister that i am spreading rumors that she is cheating. she heard this from the mailwoman. who the fuck is the mailwoman? i have told nobody besides my sister, my cousin, my aunt, and my two friends, who would not tell anybody. i don’t think you realize how big a secret can eat away at you, at your mentality, on your outlook on life. this burden is going to bury me. but, my mother is already on the defense. i need to hurry it up. i need to get in contact with my aunt. we need to burn this bridge.

my next entry will hopefully have that encounter recorded. no, it will. i won’t make one until i have.

things are changing, dear diary. let’s see how this all pans out.